Mail Order Husband One-shot


                                            >Be Fifth Wheel, an earth mare with mediocre looks and crap talent.

                                            >That would be a recipe to spending rest of your days struggling to get accepted into even least picky herds, however one day you stumbled upon this mail-order husband thing.

                                            >Normally you'd brush it off as an obvious scam, but you were desperate at that point.

                                            >You filled that dumb personality test for best match and sent it.

                                            >When you actually had your 'package' arrive you just plopped down on your tushie in surprise.

                                            >Instead of meek and subby husbando you wished for you got a towering slab of muscle, with several scars and even some strange tattoos.

                                            >There had to be some kind a mistake...

                                            >But... It's not like-

                                            >It's not like you could send him back, right?

                                            >He spoke in broken equish and often got into angry rants about something called 'Chechens', whatever that might be.

                                            >On the other hoof, he kinda grew on you. Daily pets and snuggling were divine and he was a rather inventive cook.

                                            >The dishes weren't exquisite in the slightest, but by Celestia, he could turn practically anything into a serviceable meal.

                                            >In a week you moved from junk food to healthiest diet you've had in decades!

                                            >However your husband takes special pleasure in spoiling you every now and then.

                                            >Today was one of these days, and he's been hard at work in the kitchen for the last half-an-hour, teasing your olfactory senses something fierce.

                                            >Sudden ruckus rips you from your daydream.

                                            >"HAY!"

                                            >That's a mare's voice! Some clit-for-brains is trying to steal your husbando right from your kitchen!

                                            >"NO! BAD! NO TOUCHING BLINI!"

                                            >*BWANG!*

                                            >You buck the kitchen door open but there are no perpetrators in sight.

                                            >Anon grumpily looks out the window that is swung wide open. There's a slightly dented pan in his hand.

                                            >"So this fast blue dog comrades warned me about."

                                            >There are some cerulean feathers on the floor, which he promptly cleans up and dumps into the trashcan.

                                            >Well that's a problem that took care of itself! You'll have to keep a closer eye on the windows from now on, though...

                                            >But what's more important, you're getting treated to pancakes with honey today!


                                            >Meanwhile, be much more purple and stern.

                                            >Be Tempest the Traumatized Plum.

                                            >You gave that stupid mail-order husband thing a shot and look how it turned out.

                                            >Thin as a rail, easily spooked with barely any spine to him.

                                            >To his credit he was really conscientious, whatever you ordered he carried out, or tried to, to the best of his ability.

                                            "Upsies. Now."

                                            >"Yes, ma'am!"

                                            >You're picked up and held against warm and cozy chest.

                                            >Even though you can hear your husband's heart picking up the tempo, he maintains perfect composure.

                                            >Colt like that definitely needed a strong hoof in his life.

                                            >You're going to forge him into a battlespouse that the most elite guardsmares can only dream of...


                                            >Be Peetzer Pony, Princess of Pink, Pairings and Preoccupation, scrying on your two latest clients.

                                            >Despite letting this mix-up happen - a major blunder on your part - it seems to be working out, somehow.

                                            >Love truly is a powerful force.