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Dash Gump

By SuckingSocks
Created: 2023-04-10 20:22:19
Updated: 2023-04-24 23:41:51
Expiry: Never
anonromancesafecomedyrainbow dash

  1. Based on a prompt thread. Original prompt: >"Hey, Anon, so uh..."
  2. >"What are we?" https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/39810147/
  3.  
  4. >Rainbow Dash was hiding in a cloud.
  5. >Hiding from her orange friend.
  6. >An orange friend who absolutely knew she was in that cloud.
  7.  
  8. "Darn it Dash. Ah know you're in there and know ya been skimming cider."
  9.  
  10. >Dash who was in denial about being caught quietly slurped some sweet apple cider.
  11.  
  12. "That there is mah private supply you're takin'."
  13.  
  14. "But I'm distreeeeeeessed."
  15.  
  16. >Dash revealed herself with a foamy cider stache.
  17. >After wiping herself clean she came down with a mug still in her hoof.
  18. >Applejack snatched it from her and took a swig, then sighed.
  19.  
  20. "'Distressed'? About what?"
  21.  
  22. "About uh... Mare?"
  23.  
  24. >AJ doesn't seem anymore interested.
  25. >But if it'll stop Dash moping around the farm stealing she'll put her best hoof forward and listen.
  26. >Rainbow explains how there's this "mare" who she likes that and she doesn't know what to do.
  27. >She tried being straight forward, asking "What are we?"
  28. >Her response was the worst thing possible.
  29.  
  30. "And what was that?"
  31.  
  32. "She called us BEST FRIENDS!"
  33.  
  34. >Dash reared up on her hind legs for dramatic effect and fell on her back.
  35. >AJ scooted over, craning her neck down to look at her friend.
  36.  
  37. "What's so wrong about that? You 'n' I are best friends and ya don't see me complainin'."
  38.  
  39. >Rainbow gets up and turns her back to AJ.
  40. >She flips her mane and pulls her hoof close to her chest.
  41. >AJ blows air scoffing, preparing for the hogwash she's about to hear.
  42.  
  43. "You wouldn't understand Applejack. What it's like, liking somepony who doesn't like you the same way."
  44.  
  45. >AJ takes another big, big sip from the mug.
  46. >Then trots next to her friend and offers the cider.
  47. >Dash without looking up to break character takes it from her and quickly downs the last of it.
  48.  
  49. "What's this mare's name anyhow?"
  50.  
  51. "Uh she's from outta town. Her name is uh... Noon Mouse?"
  52.  
  53. >AJ giggles.
  54.  
  55. "No really. Her name is Noon Mouse and she's foreign and she does, well I don't know what she does."
  56.  
  57. "Okay sugar cube. Ya want some advice on how to get a 'mare's' attention? Invite 'em to meet your family. That's all that really matters anyhow. Cause she don't get along with the clan then she ain't joinin' it."
  58.  
  59. —------------------------------------------------------
  60.  
  61. >Rainbow Dash was taking AJ’s advice to heart.
  62. >Maybe if she brought “Noon Mouse” to meet the folks then “she” might realize you’re serious.
  63. >Just need a safe way to have somepony without wings stay up there.
  64.  
  65. “Hey Anon! You wanna see my parents with me?”
  66.  
  67. >That dumb idiot was feeding oats out of his bag to some foals.
  68. >If he keeps doing that they’ll keep expecting it and never fend for themselves.
  69. >Also it’ll ruin their appetite for dinner.
  70.  
  71. “Hi Dash! Sure I’d love to come with you.”
  72.  
  73. “Cool cool, but see the thing is that they’re up in cloudsdale so we’re gonna need to get you-”
  74.  
  75. “Floaties!”
  76.  
  77. >Anon pulls out two bright yellow water floaties.
  78. >He starts blowing them.
  79. >Rainbow Dash opens her muzzle to talk but no words come out.
  80. >When he finishes getting them blown up and put on he says he’s ready to go.
  81.  
  82. “Are you sure that’ll work? I mean, those are for water you knucklehead.”
  83.  
  84. “Aren’t clouds just water?”
  85.  
  86. “I… You’re technically right but like there’s SO much more that goes into it. Take it from a weather pony.”
  87.  
  88. “Don’t worry. Just trust me.”
  89. >Dash shrugs and decides to just play along.
  90. >Worst case Anon falls through a cloud she can just grab him before his eyes even see the ground.
  91. >Neither of them had bits for a balloon.
  92. >So Dash would just have to carry him up to Cloudsdale.
  93. >It was probably a good idea to see if she can carry him anyways.
  94. >Anon grabbed onto Dash’s front hooves as she flew lopsided.
  95. >He was deceptively heavy.
  96. >Where did he store all that weight?
  97. >Still Dash was confident she could handle him, no sweat.
  98. >After a slightly strenuous and sweaty flight to Cloudsdale Dash was about to set Anon down.
  99.  
  100. “You sure about this?”
  101.  
  102. “Uh huh.”
  103.  
  104. “Alright, on three. One, two, three!”
  105.  
  106. >She let the sack of a green man down and he… stood just fine.
  107. >The floaties worked.
  108. >No wait Anon was sinking.
  109. >Dash dives to grab him but Anon re-inflates his flotation devices.
  110. >And he rises back to standing on the clouds.
  111. >They just lost some air on the trip up.
  112.  
  113. “How did you know that would work?”
  114.  
  115. “Honestly I was fifty/fifty on it. Though I trusted you if it didn’t work out.”
  116.  
  117. >Dash blushes a soft pink.
  118.  
  119. “Well come on, my parents’ place is just past this cumulus.”
  120.  
  121. >The green and blue pair strolled and hovered down Cloudsdale’s fluffy moist roads together.
  122. >Rainbow hadn’t warned her parents she was coming.
  123. >Celestia, she hoped they weren’t in the middle of something…
  124. >Eh, they’re too old for that sorta stuff anyways.
  125. >Her dad wasn’t out front.
  126.  
  127. “Hey, stay off the lawn. My dad fluffs this thing like it’s another kid.”
  128.  
  129. “No problem Dash.”
  130.  
  131. “And uh why don’t you wait here for a second. They don’t even know I’m coming. They might be ya know.”
  132.  
  133. >Dash mimicked a gagging motion with her hoof, tongue, and cheek.
  134. >Anon smiled at her with vacant eyes.
  135. >Dash wasn’t sure who to be more disappointed with.
  136. >Herself for doing that or Anon for not getting it.
  137. >Rainbow went through the front door while Anon stood outside, blowing into his floaties again.
  138.  
  139. >Only seconds later could Anon hear from outside,
  140.  
  141. “IS THAT THE NUMBER ONE DAUGHTER IN THE WORLD?”
  142.  
  143. >Dash opened the door and motioned for Anon to come inside.
  144. >She didn’t look at him though, had to stay aloof.
  145. >Her parents, Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles, were trotting up and down in place.
  146. >They were full of excitement.
  147.  
  148. “Mom, Dad I’d like you to meet Anon my…”
  149.  
  150. >She looks to Anon for some sort of confirmation, as if it wasn’t obvious at this point.
  151. >He has that same vacant smile.
  152.  
  153. “Well he’s Anon.”
  154.  
  155. “So nice to meet you Rainbow Dash’s parents. I love your daughter. I'm a huge fan. I go to all her shows”
  156.  
  157. >Dash looks at Anon when he says “love”
  158. >Bow is almost squeeing like a schoolgirl, Windy is.
  159. >They both shake Anon’s hand at the same time.
  160. >They shake it so hard they knock his floaties loose and almost drop him.
  161.  
  162. “Our Rainbow Dash is just the most wonderful thing in the world isn’t she?”
  163.  
  164. “She’s the best, she invites me to all her shows and we hang out afterwards and she even asks me to come join her in the locker room when no pony else is around.”
  165.  
  166. >Dash’s parents' excited smiles turn to nervous ones.
  167. >Windy pats Anon on the back with a little force to move him along.
  168. >Offering him something to drink or eat from the kitchen, in another room, away from Dash.
  169. >While Dash’s father turns to talk to her.
  170.  
  171. “Now Rainbow you know I love you and I think you’re a total awesome rockstar. But is this your coltfriend because that’s something you could tell us?”
  172.  
  173. “No he’s not my “coltfriend”. That’s the whole problem. I mean why else would I invite a stallion, I mean Anon, to meet my parents? He’s just a little, kinda, a bit… slow?”
  174.  
  175. >Bow embraces his daughter in a hug that squeezes the air outta her.
  176. >Oh great, he's crying.
  177. >Windy hearing the commotion comes rushing from the kitchen with a plate of microwavable calzones.
  178. >She drops them on the floor and joins in a three-way hug.
  179. >Now Windy is crying too.
  180.  
  181. “What’s the matter Bow?”
  182.  
  183. “Our little Dashie i-is is turning into a mare!”
  184.  
  185. “Oh I’m so happy!”
  186.  
  187. >Dash struggles to breathe while her parents squeeze the life out of her.
  188. >Anon eats the food off the ground.
  189. >After a few minutes of lung crushing and tears Bow trots over to Anon and slaps him on the back.
  190. >Anon almost spits out the food in his mouth it was so hard.
  191.  
  192. “Welcome to the family son!”
  193.  
  194. “Are you freaking kiddin me? I get to be Rainbow Dash’s brother?”
  195.  
  196. >Bow and Windy were so excited they didn’t hear that.
  197. >But Rainbow did.
  198. >She repeats her dramatic fall onto her back from Sweet Apple Acres shouting, “OH COME ON.”
  199. >Meanwhile Bow is dragging Anon around the house as they talk about how cool and amazing Dash is.
  200. >Bow also talks about grandkids and Anon pictures a dozen mini Rainbows all running around her.
  201. >Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing, he thinks, if Dash had a bunch of kids?
  202.  
  203. >Windy picks her daughter off the ground and starts grooming her mane.
  204. >She’s so chipper as a million thoughts race through her head.
  205. >How soon will she be a grandma?
  206. >How many foals will they have?
  207. >Can they have foals?
  208. >And what sports will they be good at?
  209.  
  210. “Mooooooom, what are you doing?”
  211.  
  212. “I want you to look great when we snap a picture when your boyfriend proposes.”
  213.  
  214. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
  215.  
  216. “Wait, he’s not going to propose to you then?”
  217.  
  218. >Rainbow breaks free from her mother and ruffles her hair back to its usual state.
  219. >Really just digging her hooves into her scalp to fix it.
  220.  
  221. “No. I thought making him meet my parents would change his mind though. About the boyfriend thing not, ugh, marriage.”
  222.  
  223. >Windy was somewhat disappointed at hearing that but still hopeful about her daughter finally having a boyfriend.
  224. >With an only child she thought she’d never be a grandmother at this rate.
  225. >It’s a start.
  226. >But she wasn’t really getting the problem.
  227. >She was under the impression that it was already a done deal.
  228. >After all, what young buck wouldn’t want to date her daughter?
  229.  
  230. —-----------------------------
  231.  
  232. >Dash was lounging on Fluttershy’s couch.
  233. >Eating all her oats and snacks.
  234. >Whining about her relationship problems or lack thereof.
  235. >Flutters was annoyed about her friend eating all her food but wouldn’t say anything.
  236.  
  237. “And then the three of them just looked at baby pictures while my parents kept hinting at when he’s gonna have kids. HE STILL DIDN’T GET IT!”
  238.  
  239. >She stuffs another hoof-full of oats into her mouth.
  240. >Despite her deep seated frustration Fluttershy refills dash’s oats.
  241.  
  242. “Maybe he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of your mom and dad. I know I always felt that way.”
  243.  
  244. “You feel that way around everypony.”
  245.  
  246. “Oh. Yeah.”
  247.  
  248. “Ok Flutters. Try to imagine you’re me. I know it’s hard because I’m so great but humor me please. How would you get the attention of a stallion you liked?”
  249.  
  250. >The yellow mare thinks about it while continuing to attend to all her critters.
  251. >Feeding them and bathing them and giving them treats.
  252. >Petting them and praising them.
  253. >This goes on for a bit.
  254. >Dash is getting a little impatient but waits for her friend to think.
  255.  
  256. “Well I’d probably pamper them nonstop until they felt obligated to do what I say.”
  257.  
  258. >Dash looks at her friend disgusted having heard something so manipulative.
  259. >Fluttershy pays no mind and keeps showering her pets with attention and gifts.
  260. >But maybe she had a point.
  261. >What she was really saying was to be super super SUPER nice to Anon until he can’t help but love her.
  262. >She just said it the worst way possible.
  263.  
  264. >Dash thanked Fluttershy for the advice and took one last mouthful of oats before bolting.
  265. >Flutters sighed and started a shopping list.
  266. >Rainbow was out looking for Anon from the Sky.
  267. >It was the middle of the day and he could usually be found fishing around this time.
  268. >He was out on a dinghy in the middle of a lake when she spotted him.
  269. >She called out from afar.
  270.  
  271. “HEY ANON!”
  272.  
  273. “HEY DASH!”
  274.  
  275. >They waved at each other.
  276. >Rainbow crashed into the little boat and subsequently knocked every fish from a bucket Anon had caught out.
  277. >He just laughs.
  278.  
  279. “Oh. Sorry.”
  280.  
  281. “That’s a shame. Guess I get to fish longer now. Oh no.”
  282.  
  283. “You want more fish? You got it.”
  284.  
  285. >Rainbow quickly shot from the boat high into the sky where she could see her prey.
  286. >Like an eagle she dove to the water and snatched up a trout with her teeth.
  287. >She dropped it onto the boat.
  288. >With a loud *plap* the fish nearly exploded on impact.
  289. >She worked on another one.
  290. >Anon seemed upset at the grizzly nature of her fishing style.
  291. >But he was also amazed how good she was at it.
  292. >Dash finishes up with her dive fishing and gets back on Anon’s Dinghy.
  293.  
  294. “Thanks buddy you didn’t have to do that.”
  295.  
  296. >The two of them were covered in fish guts.
  297. >Dash chuckles and wipes some bloody scales off Anon’s cheek.
  298.  
  299. “You got a little something there.”
  300.  
  301. >Anon thanks Dash without breaking his smile.
  302. >She’s happy to see him happy.
  303. >He’s just happy to be around Dash.
  304. >He moves his hand to start cleaning and collecting the fish when Dash jumps to stop him.
  305.  
  306. “OH don’t worry I’ll take care of that.”
  307.  
  308. >Dash starts wiping up everything with her wings and hooves.
  309. >Anon’s dinghy was clean.
  310. >And Dash was covered in chum.
  311. >He stared right through her with a smug expression.
  312.  
  313. “What are you looking at?”
  314.  
  315. “Somepony who needs a bath.”
  316.  
  317. >He pushes her into the water.
  318. >After flopping about for a second she composes herself.
  319.  
  320. “Me too!”
  321.  
  322. >She rocks the boat and grabs Anon with her wings, yanking him in with her.
  323. >They both splash around at each other.
  324. >Dash dunks him.
  325. >He grabs her from behind and throws her up and over his head.
  326. >When she comes back up he’s looking right into her eyes, into her soul.
  327. >With his beautiful featureless face.
  328. >That irresistible question mark face.
  329.  
  330. “Lets go dry off pal.”
  331.  
  332. >And she’s taken out of the moment again.
  333. >But they do get back on the boat and return to shore.
  334. >Anon had some towels ready and safe for just such an occasion.
  335. >He takes his clothes off down to the last article.
  336. >Wouldn’t want to catch a cold from wet clothes.
  337.  
  338. “Here let me help you.”
  339.  
  340. >Dash is quick to seize an opportunity.
  341.  
  342. “That’s alright Dash I can handle it, but I can get your flank for ya.”
  343.  
  344. “That works too.”
  345.  
  346. >After a quick and one sided drying session Dash loads the boat on Anon’s wagon without being asked.
  347. >She also pulls it without being asked.
  348.  
  349. “So is there anything you’re doing later today? I thought maybe we could do a spa day or something.”
  350.  
  351. “Oh that sounds great Dashie, I just need to grab some bits after we drop th-”
  352.  
  353. “I don’t think so. It’s my treat.”
  354.  
  355. “Oh okay. That’s awful sweet of you.”
  356.  
  357. >Anon smiles, Dash blushes, he doesn’t get it that’s the state of things right now.
  358. >But she does feel like progress is being made.
  359. >Should have gone to Fluttershy first obviously.
  360. >On the way to the spa the flower cart is spotted.
  361. >Dash zips over and slams her bits on the counter for a bouquet of roses.
  362. >Promptly given to Anon, who thanks her and tells her how awesome she is for doing that.
  363. >Then a carrot stand.
  364. >Ponies selling sweets, hats, life insurance.
  365. >Dash buys them all for Anon and each time he tells her thank you.
  366. >And she’s awesome.
  367. >Frustration was setting in.
  368. >If he keeps saying the same thing every time then is it working?
  369. >They reach the Day Spa.
  370. >Aloe and Lotus Blossom greet the pair as they enter with smiles and their fake accents.
  371.  
  372. “Can I get two full experiences? Everything, the works, whatever you got I want it.”
  373.  
  374. “Of course of course daahling. That’ll be six hundred bits.”
  375.  
  376. “Wow… Ok. Let me just,”
  377.  
  378. >Dash was completely out of money.
  379.  
  380. >Every last bit was spent buying frivolous gifts for Anon that he didn’t even like.
  381. >She could ask Anon to pay for it.
  382. >Though, she’s not even sure he has a job.
  383. >She’s never seen him working.
  384.  
  385. “Hey so I know you said it’s six hundred bits but how about instead YOU get the honor of attending to Equestria's greatest, most incredible, and ‘appreciative’ Wonderbolt?
  386.  
  387. “No.”
  388.  
  389. “Well how about all those times I saved Ponyville or Equestria as a whole?”
  390.  
  391. “No.”
  392.  
  393. >The other Spa pony sister was now staring from behind her sister.
  394. >Rainbow was sweating from nervousness.
  395. >She was going to look extremely lame in front of Anon now.
  396. >Honestly thinking about whether jumping from her house would be enough or would her instincts kick in and save.
  397. >A pony calls from the other side of the room.
  398.  
  399. “Rainbow Dash darling?”
  400.  
  401. >It’s Rarity.
  402. >She did her fancy fruity trot over to greet her friend.
  403. >One hug and two cheek pecks later and Rarity noticed her friend was about to lose it.
  404. >Dash ducked her head behind a nearby potted plant and pulled Rarity down too.
  405. >They whispered.
  406.  
  407. “Okay so I wanted to try pampering Anon here so he would do what I say and feel indebted to me but then I spent all my bits on hats and insurance for him and he didn’t seem to like any of it and now I don’t have enough bits for the Spa.”
  408.  
  409. “That’s quite the mouthful. Don’t worry I can cover for you.”
  410.  
  411. “But it’s-”
  412.  
  413. “Pish posh. Anything for a friend in love.”
  414.  
  415. >The two mares came up from their hiding spot.
  416. >The spa sisters were still staring at them, waiting.
  417. >Anon was enjoying his new hat and reading his new life insurance contract.
  418. >Rarity whispered something to Aloe and Lotus.
  419. >They smiled, spoke, and waved their arms all in sync.
  420.  
  421. “Right this way!”
  422.  
  423. “Are you sure this is alright Rarity?”
  424.  
  425. “Darling, I have boutiques all over Equestria. I don't know why I even work here in Ponyville anymore.”
  426.  
  427. “Thanks Rarity.”
  428.  
  429. >Dash turns away to go back to Anon when something jerks her back.
  430. >It’s Rarity.
  431.  
  432. “Oh Nonny dear, why don’t you go start without us. I just wanna have a little mare time with Rainbow here.”
  433.  
  434. “Okie dokie!”
  435.  
  436. >Anon walks off with Lotus while Rarity and Dash go with Aloe.
  437. >Dash is grumbling to herself but can’t say no to her friend.
  438. >After all, she did just nonchalantly drop a fat stack of bits on her.
  439. >Flutters was right, this does work.
  440.  
  441. >Aloe pulls out a box of needles, jars of seaweed, moose urine, and unicorn horn shavings.
  442. >Dash looks horrified, she usually just got the basics.
  443. >Rarity is excited.
  444.  
  445. —------------------------------------------
  446.  
  447. >In the other room Anon is holding up his mud bath and hooficure.
  448. >Trying to find a place to put all his gifts was proving too much.
  449.  
  450. “And then she bought me money for when I die.”
  451.  
  452. “You must be really lucky to have somepony like her.”
  453.  
  454. “Yeah. Dash is my best friend. We do everything together. I see her at all her shows, she introduced me to her parents who are super cool, we have dinner and lunch and breakfast all the time. This one time we went camping and shared a tent and sleeping bag because Dash only had one. That was a lot of fun.”
  455.  
  456. “Yes yes, you two must be very happy.”
  457.  
  458. >Lotus didn’t seem very interested.
  459. >But Anon just kept rambling on about how great of a friend dash was.
  460. >All the things they do together, all the time with each other.
  461. >But then he gets a little somber.
  462. >Looking over at all the gifts he’d received.
  463. >While Lotus mixes her spit with gold flakes on her hooves.
  464. >Even Anon wasn’t so slow to not realize what happened at the front counter.
  465. >Also he could hear Rarity and Rainbow talking.
  466.  
  467. “Do you ever feel bad when a pony is nice to you?”
  468.  
  469. “Oh all the time. This job is full of… very friendly ponies.”
  470.  
  471. “Rainbow Dash got me all these things, and I didn’t ask for them. I’m happy to accept anything from her but she seems upset that I’m not happier.”
  472.  
  473. “Well you have to have rainy day to enjoy sunny day.”
  474.  
  475. “What does that mean?”
  476.  
  477. >Lotus begins massaging Anon’s scalp.
  478.  
  479. “It mean that maybe you spend less time around your marefriend so you can appreciate her more.”
  480.  
  481. “Oh she’s not my marefriend.”
  482.  
  483. “What are you, how you say, colt cuddler?”
  484.  
  485. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about cuddling a colt but it sure does sound fun!”
  486.  
  487. >Lotus hates her job.
  488. >She continues to rub the gold and saliva like a true professional.
  489.  
  490. —------------------------------------------
  491.  
  492. >Rarity is getting up to speed with the problems of the blue mare.
  493. >She is also berated for taking Dash away from her would-be mate.
  494. >The last needle is pulled out from them and Aloe prepares fish baths and hot coals.
  495.  
  496. “And I don’t think anything’s changed after all the stuff I got him, or this spa day.”
  497.  
  498. “Oh darling you’ve got it all wrong. The way to a stallion’s heart isn’t through expensive things. They wouldn’t even know how much they cost anyways. You’ve got to make yourself irresistible. Tease him, touch him, but not too much.”
  499.  
  500. >Rarity rears up on her hind legs.
  501.  
  502. “You’ve got to make him boil like a hot kettle and when it’s too much he’ll whistle all over you.”
  503.  
  504. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”
  505.  
  506. “Oh just let me give you a makeover and then you can rub up against him or something.”
  507.  
  508. “Rubbing against him doesn’t sound so bad. Are you sure just acting like a slut is what he wants?”
  509.  
  510. “Sluts put out Rainbow. You’re just teasing him until he can’t take it anymore and BEGS you for it.”
  511.  
  512. “Isn’t that kind of manipulative?”
  513.  
  514. “So was Fluttershy’s way and you were fine with that.”
  515.  
  516. >Dash contemplates on the morality of her friends.
  517. >But she does want Anon to like her more.
  518. >Rarity is ecstatic at her offer being accepted.
  519. >Stylish ideas flow through her, she’s got so many looks in mind for her friend.
  520. >Rainbow is starting to regret opening her mouth.
  521.  
  522. —------------------------------------------
  523.  
  524. >After a long and intensive relaxation session everypony, including Anon, met back at the lobby.
  525. >Despite the cruel and unusual methods employed on them they do feel amazing.
  526. >Could be a placebo though, it was six hundred bits after all.
  527. >Dash is already trying to work on her sultry aloof temptress, pouting at Anon.
  528. >Ironically, so was Anon.
  529.  
  530. “Oh hey Anon. You look… delicious.”
  531.  
  532. “Huh? Yeah I guess.”
  533.  
  534. >Neither of them can look at each other.
  535. >Opting instead to stare at the ground.
  536.  
  537. “So Rarity wants to hang out with me for a bit. Do some saucy filly stuff, but no dudes allowed.”
  538.  
  539. “Yeah that’s cool. I was gonna blow this place anyways.”
  540.  
  541. >Dash is hurt.
  542.  
  543. “Oh ok… I mean, Ta ta.”
  544.  
  545. >They both try to leave at the same time and bump into each other at the door.
  546. >Anon chuckles and Dash blows a raspberry while smiling.
  547. >And Rarity clears her through from behind to remind Dash.
  548. >She can’t play into him, she must remain stoic, unattainable but chase-able.
  549. >He clears the door for Rainbow and she and Rarity leave together.
  550. >The green man follows and waves goodbye with a smile.
  551. >He catches himself and pretends he was high fiving himself.
  552. >Dash giggles and Rarity turns her head.
  553.  
  554. “Don’t look at him, just sway those hips. He IS watching.”
  555.  
  556. >Inexperienced as she is, Rainbow rocks her hips too much and knocks into Rarity.
  557. >Hopefully he wasn’t watching that.
  558. >They head off together towards the Boutique.
  559. >When they walk through the front door Sweetie Belle comes galloping out.
  560.  
  561. “HI RARITY BYE RARITY.”
  562.  
  563. >The big sister raises her hoof in protest but the filly is long gone before she can say anything.
  564. >She shrugs and leads Rainbow to her studio.
  565. >Dash plants herself on a stool while Rarity manically searches through closets, cabinets, buckets, etc.
  566. >Then she reveals a pair of shears.
  567. >Sweat drips down Dash’s face.
  568.  
  569. “Now you’ll never be able to do what I do. It’s not a bad thing you’re just not me. We can’t make you look and act like a mare of my caliber. We’ve got to make you the sexiest and sultriest you YOU can be.”
  570.  
  571. “What does that mean?”
  572.  
  573. “I’m thinking mohawk punk.”
  574.  
  575. >Dash zips into the corner to hide.
  576.  
  577. “Whoa! You are NOT touching my mane with those things.”
  578.  
  579. “Darling you’ve got to cut the grass to get the oats.”
  580.  
  581. “My hair is not oats!”
  582.  
  583. “Doesn’t Spitfire your boss have a mohawk? You think she’s… cool, don’t you?”
  584.  
  585. >Rarity grabs Rainbow Dash with her magic and places her back on the stool along with a hair cloth round her neck.
  586. >Dash sniffles a bit and rubs her eyes.
  587. >So far she was zero for two on romantic advice from her friends.
  588. >But making ponies look good was Rarity’s whole life.
  589. >What are the odds she messes up this?
  590.  
  591. >It was not going well.
  592. >Rarity was sure that she could make this work.
  593. >Rainbow had the right attitude to pull off something so brash.
  594. >But Rarity had overestimated her inspiration not ability.
  595. >Obviously she has all the know-how, the technique, the resources.
  596. >But maybe she was just going through a phase after she went to that retro concert.
  597. >It might also have something to do with the amount of drinks she had that night.
  598. >Among other things.
  599. >And now her friend Rainbow has become a horrific, impulsive, guinea pig.
  600. >Of course one piece at a time she looked fine.
  601. >It was a great mohawk, a great outfit, outstanding jewelry and piercings.
  602. >Perhaps it was just the combination of these things that made the jewelry look tacky, the mohawk misshapen and off center, the clothes look homeless and not by choice.
  603. >She pulled a mirror up to Dash to see for herself.
  604. >There was concern on her face.
  605.  
  606. "It's uh… nice."
  607.  
  608. "It's so you! Just look how great you are in it."
  609.  
  610. "Really? Because I think-"
  611.  
  612. >You must fake it till you make it thought Rarity.
  613. >Or Rainbow will be crushed.
  614.  
  615. "It's simply marvelous. Absolutely wonderful. Stallions will be lining up to talk to you now."
  616.  
  617. >She's not convinced.
  618.  
  619. "Really?"
  620.  
  621. "Yes yes yes, now go out there and make that man your colt!"
  622.  
  623. >Rarity shoved Dash out the door before she could respond.
  624. >What a travesty she thought.
  625. >She could add this next to plaid with stripes and the keyboard tie.
  626. >Rainbow meanwhile was already feeling not as awesome as usual.
  627. >Trotting through town to show off her new look instead of flying.
  628. >There were a few ponies whispering around her.
  629. >A few staring.
  630. >They were probably just too nervous to say anything to her face.
  631. >About how AWESOME she looked, not ridiculous.
  632. >Yeah that had to be it.
  633. >With her confidence boosting she started strutting more than trotting.
  634. >Biting her tongue at others and smirking.
  635. >She even started dancing a little as she moved.
  636. >Now the ponies were smiling as they watched.
  637. >Time for a finale, she thought.
  638. >Dash took to the air and pulled off a double corkscrew backflip into a power slide.
  639.  
  640. "And don't you forget it!"
  641.  
  642. >The onlookers were outright laughing now.
  643. >Rainbow either didn't notice or told herself they were cheers.
  644. >She felt hot and that's all she knew.
  645. >Time to go show herself off to Anon.
  646. >A fake earring fell off as she rocketed away
  647.  
  648. >It’s the evening.
  649. >The sun is just about set by now.
  650. >If you were to look at Rainbow in this twilight sun you might think she doesn’t look ridiculous.
  651. >Celestia was doing a great job to make Dash look good.
  652. >And she needed it.
  653. >Anon was probably home by now.
  654. >She wasn't sure what else he would be doing.
  655. >It's a little cottage just on the outskirts of Ponyville.
  656. >Or more like a trailer without wheels.
  657. >But to his credit it was homey inside.
  658. >Rainbow landed gracefully just outside the door.
  659. >She spit into her hoof to tidy up her mane best she could.
  660. >With a deep breath she knocked on the door.
  661. >There's no answer.
  662. >She knocked harder.
  663. >Still no answer.
  664. >Is it even locked?
  665. >The answer is no.
  666. >Dash let's herself in all the time, this is no different.
  667. >Anon wasn't home.
  668. >Well, Rainbow thought to herself, he has to be coming back soon.
  669. >It is getting late.
  670. >She'll just hang out till he does.
  671. >Rainbow prides herself on being able to take a nap anywhere but here, in this abode, it was especially easy.
  672. >Little shut eye probably wouldn't mess up her makeup and hair.
  673. >Forty minutes tops.
  674.  
  675. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  676.  
  677. >Rainbow woke the next morning still in the same bean bag from last night.
  678. >By herself.
  679.  
  680. "Where in the FUCK is Anon?"
  681.  
  682. >She went outside and there was no pony around.
  683. >She shouted in frustration.
  684.  
  685. "Ugh."
  686.  
  687. >The pegasus flew high to head back into town.
  688. >Hopefully she would catch a glimpse of the green jerk.
  689. >Back on the ground there was a disturbance.
  690. >A bush came to life as it started moving.
  691. >Except it was just Anon coming out from hiding.
  692. >He'd been there the whole night.
  693. >Laying here in the brush to avoid his friend.
  694. >The advice he received from the Spa pony didn't seem to be working.
  695. >Dash only seemed angry that he was avoiding her.
  696. >Also sleeping in a bush sucks.
  697. >Especially when the alternative was to sleep in his own bed talking about Daring Do with Rainbow.
  698. >She'd tell him about new stunts being planned for her routines.
  699. >And they would go to sleep together.
  700. >Like at the same time.
  701. >Anon on the bean bag and Rainbow in the bed.
  702. >Although strangely she would always sleep trot and trip on the bean bag.
  703. >He should go find her and apologize.
  704. >Anon turned towards the direction she flew off.
  705. >He'll catch up eventually.
  706.  
  707. >All through Ponyville she looked for Anon.
  708. >He was just too far behind chasing her.
  709. >Watching her as she got more frustrated.
  710. >Seeing him like a sack of potatoes on legs trying to keep up.
  711. >It's a wonder Rainbow sees anything in him.
  712.  
  713. "What are you trying to say Twilight?"
  714.  
  715. >Rainbow was taking a break venting again to one of her friends.
  716.  
  717. "Honestly he doesn't seem like your type at all."
  718.  
  719. "Aren't you supposed to be all about accepting unlikely friendships?"
  720.  
  721. "Uh yeah, but the keyword here is 'friendship'."
  722.  
  723. "I like him. I really like him, that's why this sucks so much."
  724.  
  725. "But why? I don't get it."
  726.  
  727. >Rainbow leans back to think.
  728. >She takes another bite from Spike's pancakes.
  729. >He groans and leaves to make more.
  730.  
  731. "He's always there. Every Wonderbolt show I do. Every time I competed. Everytime I won he was there."
  732.  
  733. "So he's a big fa-"
  734.  
  735. "When I was dealing with my broken wing and leg. Every day he took care of me and when I was all healed he still took care of me. He's not just there when I win, he's there when I lose."
  736.  
  737. >Spike returns with a fresh stack of flapjacks.
  738. >Dash, without looking away from Twilight, slides the plate over.
  739. >She also doesn't stop talking to chew.
  740.  
  741. "He's hohal."
  742.  
  743. "What?"
  744.  
  745. "He's loyal."
  746.  
  747. >Twilight rolls her eyes.
  748. >Of course someone as narcissistic as Dash would want somepony like her element.
  749. >But she could do a lot worse than somepony who's loyal.
  750. >For Twilight knows the pain and suffering of betrayal by somepony you love.
  751. >It wasn't so long ago whe-
  752.  
  753. "Twilight you listening?"
  754.  
  755. "What? Oh yeah. Well maybe he's just not into you like that."
  756.  
  757. "Well I am not a quitter. I'm a winner!"
  758.  
  759. "You can't win at relationships Dash."
  760.  
  761. "Spoken like a true quitter."
  762.  
  763. >Spike, visibly angry, comes back with a third stack of pancakes.
  764. >Sitting away from the girls so he can finally eat.
  765.  
  766. "I just don't know where he is right now. Which is weird because usually he's usually always in the same place. With me."
  767.  
  768. "And no pony could ever get tired of that."
  769.  
  770. "That's what I'm saying!"
  771.  
  772. >Spike snickers.
  773.  
  774. "Well why don't you ask Pinkie to throw a party or something? That always sniffs out ponies from hiding places."
  775.  
  776. "That's a great idea. We'll have a big party to show off my new moves."
  777.  
  778. "Just make sure it's a costume party."
  779.  
  780. >Twilight motions her hoof towards all of Rainbow.
  781.  
  782. "But then I'll have to change."
  783.  
  784. "I think you'll be fine."
  785.  
  786. >Dash just looks confused.
  787. >By this point she is completely delusional about her new look.
  788. >She thanks Twilight for listening and Spike for the food.
  789. >They both wish her luck although once is a little grumpy.
  790. >Rainbow flies off towards Sugar Cube corner.
  791. >Not too far away is Anon.
  792. >Huffing and puffing along.
  793. >He almost made it to Twilight before the blue pegasus took off again.
  794. >Not deterred one bit though, but he was tired and took a break.
  795. >Anon sat down on a bench next to a conveniently placed bush.
  796. >And out of it popped Pinkie Pie.
  797.  
  798. "Hi Anon!"
  799.  
  800. >He slowly turns his head, still catching his breath.
  801.  
  802. “Hi Pinkie Pie.”
  803.  
  804. “Want a cupcake?”
  805.  
  806. >Anon stares at the delectable, glazed, moist, mouth watering, strawberry frosted pastry.
  807. >There is nothing he wants more than to eat that cupcake.
  808. >But he can’t loaf around all day eating sweets right now.
  809.  
  810. “Sorry Pinkie not today. I’ve gotta talk to Rainbow Dash.”
  811.  
  812. “So why aren’t ya?”
  813.  
  814. >He stares at the pink clown mare.
  815. >Wheezing and gasping for air.
  816.  
  817. “Too slow.”
  818.  
  819. “Well why don’t you take a break and come to my party later? She’ll be there!”
  820.  
  821. “How do you know she’ll be there?”
  822.  
  823. “Because she’s going to ask me to put it together!”
  824.  
  825. >Anon doesn’t understand a lot of Pony culture and their weird ways.
  826. >The magic of unicorns, of friendship, of Pinkie.
  827. >Pinkie’s pupils dilate.
  828. >Her hair deflates and she goes limp, falling into the bush.
  829. >Anon is horrified having witnessed this.
  830.  
  831. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  832.  
  833. >The door to Sugarcube Corner flies open and Dash barrels in.
  834. >Using her new patent pending “roll” technique she causes minimal damage to herself and surroundings.
  835. >The Cake family is terrified.
  836. >Still dressed like a punk circus clown Rainbow attempts to laugh off their concern.
  837.  
  838. “What’s up Mrs. C. You seen Pinkie?”
  839.  
  840. >The thick mom mare points towards the stairs to Pinkie’s bedroom.
  841. >Rainbow mock salutes her in thanks.
  842. >For a split second before she gets all the way up Dash could have sworn she say Pinkie laying limp on the floor.
  843. >Within a blink though she’s her normal upright self.
  844.  
  845. “Hey Pinkie Pie. I need a favor.”
  846.  
  847. “You need me to throw a party to attract Anon so that he can finally see you in a light that will make him realize he’s always loved you and wants to get married and have lots and lots of foals?”
  848.  
  849. “How about just the first part. The rest is a little, yeesh. How did you know anyways.”
  850.  
  851. “Oh Dash…”
  852.  
  853. >Pinkie wraps a hoof around her friend and smiles at her.
  854. >Just smiling.
  855. >Then she starts pushing her out.
  856. >Dash is only slightly weirded out.
  857.  
  858. “But what time is it gonna be?”
  859.  
  860. “Oh you’ll know.”
  861.  
  862. >Pinkie closes the door on Dash’s backside.
  863. >Little rude but whatever.
  864. >Dash is just happy that at least one of her friends is actually helpful.
  865. >There’s a thud from the other side of the door.
  866. >Rainbow is already leaving though.
  867.  
  868. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  869.  
  870. >Anon was cradling the limp lifeless body of Pinkie.
  871. >Crying over her.
  872. >She was so young.
  873. >He thinks.
  874. >Big, fat tears paint his face.
  875. >Pop.
  876.  
  877. “Hey Anon how would you like to be personally invited to a party thrown just for you!”
  878.  
  879. >He can’t even comprehend what just happened.
  880. >Anon wipes the tears from his eyes.
  881.  
  882. “I’d like that.”
  883.  
  884. “Okie doke. You’re invited. BAM!”
  885.  
  886. >Pinkie plants her hoof right on Anon’s forehead that leaves a big stamped “RSVP” and a green check mark.
  887. >Or well at least there would be a green check mark if you could see it.
  888.  
  889. >It stung a little too.
  890. >Everything was happening so fast.
  891. >Wait, what time is the party at?
  892. >And where?
  893.  
  894. “Pinkie you haven’t told me anything about the party.”
  895.  
  896. “When the time comes, you’ll know.”
  897.  
  898. “Huh?”
  899.  
  900. >She recedes into the bush again.
  901. >Anon decides against looking again.
  902. >His heart couldn’t take seeing his friend like that again.
  903. >So Rainbow Dash will be there?
  904. >Maybe I should get something to say I’m sorry, he thought.
  905. >A peace offering or gift of some sort.
  906. >He didn’t have a lot of money to buy anything.
  907. >Trading work for something might work, just need to find a pony that needs help.
  908. >Having finally caught his breath he started walking around town.
  909. >None of the flower ponies needed anything.
  910. >Neither did any other pony.
  911. >Not the clockmaker, not the bakers, not the insurance salespony.
  912. >Time was flying by and Anon had nothing to show for it.
  913. >He was also getting hungry.
  914. >Big Mac was around doing his usual deliveries.
  915. >An idea popped into Anon’s mind.
  916.  
  917. “Hey Big Macintosh. Fine day we’re having.”
  918.  
  919. “Eeyup.”
  920.  
  921. “Say, you wouldn’t have something you need help with? Some chores maybe?”
  922.  
  923. >He nods.
  924.  
  925. “Could I help you in exchange for some apple cider?”
  926.  
  927. >Mac touches his hoof to his chin.
  928. >He strokes it.
  929.  
  930. “Eeyup.”
  931.  
  932. >Anon smiles gleefully and Mac gestures for him to follow.
  933. >At first it was just following Mac around while he finished deliveries.
  934. >That lasted until the mid day.
  935. >Then they finally made their way back to Sweet Apple Acres.
  936. >Anon was riding in the cart and Applejack was there to greet them.
  937.  
  938. “Howdy Big Mac.”
  939.  
  940. >AJ is not as pleased to see the green one.
  941.  
  942. “Hello Anonymous.”
  943.  
  944. “Hi Applejack!”
  945.  
  946. >Mac unhooks himself from the cart and trots right up to his sister.
  947. >He whispers something in her ear.
  948. >AJ looks at him annoyed and he gestures towards Anon.
  949. >A scoff comes out of her mouth before she comes towards the cart.
  950.  
  951. “Big Mac tells me he promised ya some, Cider, in exchange for a hard day’s work.”
  952.  
  953. “Yes ma’am.”
  954.  
  955. “Well you’re kinda scrawny and ya can’t fix anything.
  956.  
  957. “Yes ma’am…”
  958.  
  959. >Applejack keeps staring at Anon.
  960. >He thought there was going to be some sort of follow up to that statement.
  961. >But Mac comes in to save the day with a light jab to his sister.
  962.  
  963. “Ow Mac. Well sometimes when Ah buck trees the apples miss the bucket or bounce out. How about ya just follow me around and grab the strays so Ah don’t have to?”
  964.  
  965. “You got it!”
  966.  
  967. >She grumbles at his enthusiasm.
  968. >Like her brother she starts to trot away gesturing for Anon to follow.
  969.  
  970. >Walking through the orchards AJ doesn’t say anything.
  971. >If Anon were a smarter man he might notice AJ wasn’t talking to him purposefully.
  972. >Instead he just enjoyed the beauty of the apple orchard.
  973. >They go to work silently.
  974. >His work is pretty easy but appreciated.
  975. >Normally catching stray apples took up a lot of her time even if it wasn’t intensive.
  976. >Applejack was thankful to have some help even if she didn’t want to admit it.
  977. >But she was taking his silence as some sort of psychological warfare.
  978. >And she felt like making the first move.
  979.  
  980. “So why do ya want to work for me all of a sudden?”
  981.  
  982. “So I can get an “I’m Sorry Gift” for Rainbow Dash.”
  983.  
  984. >AJ’s ears perk at that.
  985.  
  986. “Oh really now. What did ya do to make her mad?”
  987.  
  988. “I don’t know really. She was being really nice to me and I was happy but then she was upset that I wasn’t happier. So somepony told me to ignore her to make her happier because it would make us appreciate each other more."
  989.  
  990. “Ah think you should double down. Ya just need more time.”
  991.  
  992. “Are you sure?”
  993.  
  994. >AJ looks at his sad, featureless face.
  995. >She doesn’t think Anon is good for Dash.
  996. >But how could she do that to somepony?
  997. >She groans and sighs.
  998.  
  999. “Oh uh, nah. Ahm just pullin your chain. Ah think getting her some cider is a great idea.”
  1000.  
  1001. “I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.”
  1002.  
  1003. “Quit worryin’ so much for starters. Rainbow is obsessed with you.”
  1004.  
  1005. “Well yeah, she’s my best friend.”
  1006.  
  1007. “That’s not what Ah mean ya thick skulled colt. She’s ya know, infatuated with ya.”
  1008.  
  1009. >An apple falling from a bucked tree strikes Anon’s head.
  1010. >He should wear a helmet.
  1011.  
  1012. “Sorry ‘bout that.”
  1013.  
  1014. “It’s ok I don’t use it very often.”
  1015.  
  1016. >Applejack laughs sincerely.
  1017. >She even wheezes a bit, running out of air.
  1018.  
  1019. “Yeah I bet.”
  1020.  
  1021. >Anon doesn’t realize what he said was funny but laughs anyway.
  1022. >He’s just happy to see AJ smile.
  1023. >They finish their lollygagging and get back to work.
  1024. >With his help AJ is able to finish her apple harvesting with time to spare.
  1025. >Chasing all those strays really did eat her time.
  1026. >She considered having him come back next time.
  1027. >If she were to ever warm up to him anyway.
  1028. >Chores go by fast when you’ve got someone to do them with.
  1029. >When the last apple falls they wipe the sweat from their brows.
  1030.  
  1031. “Alright partner, deal’s a deal. Ah’ll get you a good batch. Just since Ah know it’s for Dash.”
  1032.  
  1033. “Thank you Applejack. That means a lot.”
  1034.  
  1035. >She groans at Anon’s endearing obliviousness.
  1036. >But she does get a good bottle, great harvest and a better taste.
  1037. >When she gives it to Anon they both feel a cold feeling creep up their spines and necks.
  1038.  
  1039. “Uh Anonymous, do ya want to go to Pinkie Pie’s party?”
  1040.  
  1041. “How did you know?”
  1042.  
  1043. “Ah don’t know…”
  1044.  
  1045. >Neither of them wants to talk about what just happened.
  1046. >With her work done for the day and Anon compensated they both head off for the party.
  1047. >Somehow they knew where to go.
  1048.  
  1049. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  1050.  
  1051. “And so I told her, ‘Cheesed to meet you’.”
  1052.  
  1053. “Yeah yeah… Hey look the party!”
  1054.  
  1055. >AJ’s patience wearing thin was relieved to see the flashy lights and streamers for Pinkie’s Love Party.
  1056. >She had planned it in the center of town and everypony was there.
  1057. >Though no pony remembered getting invited.
  1058. >Still, they were all having a great time.
  1059.  
  1060. >Applejack was looking all around for Dash so she could ditch Anon.
  1061. >She spotted her and contemplated her place as a wingmare.
  1062. >As long as Dash is happy.
  1063. >She jabbed Anon a little harder than necessary and pointed her hoof at the blue mare.
  1064.  
  1065. “Ow AJ. What do you…”
  1066.  
  1067. >He hadn’t got a good look at her before.
  1068. >Hiding in the bushes stalking her in his own home.
  1069. >But now that he could really see her.
  1070. >It was just…
  1071. >She’s trotting over.
  1072. >Rocking those hips.
  1073. >Flashing those eyes.
  1074. >Dropping another piercing.
  1075. >Even Anon says to himself,
  1076.  
  1077. “What a mare.”
  1078.  
  1079. “Really? She looks like a clown.”
  1080.  
  1081. “That’s not a nice thing to say about our good friend Applejack.”
  1082.  
  1083. >AJ groans for the last time and trots off.
  1084. >Right as Rainbow finishes her strut towards Anon.
  1085. >She strikes a pose and rears up and flashes her front hooves over her eyes really fast.
  1086. >Finished with a stuck out tongue.
  1087.  
  1088. “Bleh!”
  1089.  
  1090. >Once again, even Anon is capable and giggles at her.
  1091. >Dash stomps her hooves and pouts.
  1092.  
  1093. "I'm sorry Dash. I can't help it. You're too cute."
  1094.  
  1095. "You think I'm cute?"
  1096.  
  1097. >Anon wraps his arm around her neck and gives her a little noogie.
  1098. >She lightly protests thinking it'll mess up her mane.
  1099.  
  1100. "The cutest little punk in Equestria!"
  1101.  
  1102. >She sighs and just enjoys being held.
  1103. >Other ponies whisper around them while they linger like this.
  1104. >Until Anon remembers his gift.
  1105.  
  1106. "Oh! I got you something. You seemed mad at me so I wanted to apologize."
  1107.  
  1108. "I could never be mad at,"
  1109.  
  1110. >She swallows her fear and gets ready to say something damning.
  1111. >But the words escape her.
  1112. >It's not the right time.
  1113. >It's not the right place.
  1114.  
  1115. "Friend…"
  1116.  
  1117. "I think you mean BEST friend, check it out!"
  1118.  
  1119. >He pulls out the fermented apple juice.
  1120. >It was a good bottle that Dash would love it.
  1121. >And not just because it's from Anon.
  1122.  
  1123. "Thanks Anon."
  1124.  
  1125. "So I'm sorry. Are we cool?"
  1126.  
  1127. >She sighs.
  1128.  
  1129. "Yeah. We're cool."
  1130.  
  1131. >He gives her another squeeze.
  1132. >Another pony calls out to Anon.
  1133. >Some stallion who says he's got someone who wants to meet Anon.
  1134. >There's a little back and forth about who's a bigger crotch sniffer and thus who should come over to who.
  1135.  
  1136. "It's alright Anon. Go say hi. I'm gonna get something to drink anyways."
  1137.  
  1138. "Okay okay, just don't get too messed up."
  1139.  
  1140. >One more quick noogie for good measure and he walks away.
  1141. >Talking with the stallion and some butch mare with an aquamarine coat and mane.
  1142. >Dash couldn't watch.
  1143. >She pulled the cider's cork out with her teeth and took a swig.
  1144. >She was going to find a spot where she could just drink the whole thing.
  1145.  
  1146. >About half the bottle was empty and Dash was stumbling a little.
  1147. >Her friends called out to her.
  1148. >They were all seated around a table chatting and waved her over.
  1149.  
  1150. "Whoa there cowfilly. How much of my cider have ya had?"
  1151.  
  1152. >Another big sip from the bottle.
  1153.  
  1154. "Not enough."
  1155.  
  1156. "Oh darling, I'm sorry did things not work out with mister Anonymous?"
  1157.  
  1158. "Yeah. No thanks to any of you. The outfit, the gifts, 'takin him home ta meet the clan'!"
  1159.  
  1160. >That last bit was done in a poor impression of Applejack.
  1161.  
  1162. "Oh uhm… I'm sorry. It works with all my little critters and Discord."
  1163.  
  1164. "Well of course that wouldn't work Fluttershy. Anonymous isn't an animal despite his lack of intelligence."
  1165.  
  1166. >Trixie chimes in with her condescending voice.
  1167. >She crawls out from under the table.
  1168. >Scooting close to Rainbow and wraping a hoof around her.
  1169.  
  1170. "If you wanted advice to lock down a stallion you should have come to Trixie first. See she's learned from the master herself, Princess Cadence!"
  1171.  
  1172. >Trixie raises her free hoof parallel with her muzzle and makes slight cutting motions as she talks.
  1173.  
  1174. "All stallions are the same really. Wear some flashy jewelry to distract them. Then you gotta find them all alone and say something degrading to them. This will make them feel vulnerable and too self conscious to stop you."
  1175.  
  1176. >The six friends all stare at Trixie in disgust.
  1177.  
  1178. "What? You've got to think about this logically Rainbow. It's simple psychology."
  1179.  
  1180. >Twilight stomps her hoof on the table.
  1181.  
  1182. "That's terrible advice! Also why were you hiding under there? And when did you meet my sister in law?"
  1183.  
  1184. "Trixie was waiting for you all to leave so she could scavenge your food and drinks."
  1185.  
  1186. "But they're free!"
  1187.  
  1188. >Trixie's eyes narrow.
  1189. >She throws one of her smoke pellets and gallops away.
  1190. >Twilight gives chase.
  1191.  
  1192. "And what about Cadence!?"
  1193.  
  1194. >They disappear into the crowd.
  1195. >The rest of the friends shrug.
  1196. >Rainbow is still looking for help at the bottom of her bottle.
  1197. >Pinkie Pie closes the vacant space between her and Dash.
  1198.  
  1199. "You want MY advice?"
  1200.  
  1201. "Not really."
  1202.  
  1203. "Stop taking our advice. You should do what you would do. 'Cause at the end of the day you're the only pony in control of yourself and the one he's gotta love. Just look deep, DEEP inside your heart and show it to him!"
  1204.  
  1205. >Dash was muzzle-deep in her drink.
  1206. >She didn't hear a word from Pinkie.
  1207.  
  1208. "You know what? I'm gonna stop taking all your advice. I'm gonna do what I would do."
  1209.  
  1210. "I think that's a super duper idea Dash!"
  1211.  
  1212. "Well duh. It's my idea after all."
  1213.  
  1214. >Pinkie lightly twitches her right eye.
  1215.  
  1216. "I'm gonna go get what's mine. Cause I don't quit!"
  1217.  
  1218. >Rainbow slams the last of the fermented cider and throws it on the ground, shattering.
  1219. >First she tries to fly off but gets two feet off the ground before losing balance and tumbling face first.
  1220. >Only a few paces away from her friends she has her back turned while coughing and wheezing.
  1221. >Fluttershy trots up behind her when Rainbow vomits.
  1222. >Immediately after she fell over again into her side, barely avoiding her own little puddle.
  1223. >The yellow pegasus lays a wing over the blue one to comfort her.
  1224. >After a microsecond mental breakdown Dash composes herself and stops wobbling away again.
  1225. >She was off to find Anon, again.
  1226.  
  1227. “So then I said “Cheesed to meet you!”
  1228.  
  1229. “Hahahaha, Anon you’re so funny!”
  1230.  
  1231. >The unicorn from earlier was still talking with Anon, laughing at everything he said.
  1232. >This did not please Rainbow.
  1233. >After everything she wasn’t about to lose to some bonehead skank.
  1234.  
  1235. “Hey!”
  1236.  
  1237. >Dash was swaying as she moved.
  1238.  
  1239. “Get your dirty hooves away from him.”
  1240.  
  1241. “Whoa my gosh. We’re JUST having a conversation.”
  1242.  
  1243. “I will slap the shit out of you.”
  1244.  
  1245. “Celestia jeeze. Yikes. I’ll talk to you later Nonny!”
  1246.  
  1247. >Rainbow gets in her face and flaps her wings aggressively at her.
  1248. >The unicorn mare trots off after scoffing.
  1249.  
  1250. “Dash are you ok? You were being rude to that pony.”
  1251.  
  1252. >Rainbow Dash blinks one eye at a time.
  1253. >Still swaying.
  1254.  
  1255. “No, I’m not fine.”
  1256.  
  1257. >A little tear starts to well up in her eyes.
  1258. >Anon kneels down and hugs her.
  1259.  
  1260. “You sound like you’ve had a lot more than you should.”
  1261.  
  1262. “I uh, might have accidentally drank the whole bottle by myself.”
  1263.  
  1264. “You should probably sleep it off.”
  1265.  
  1266. >Rainbow looks at her hooves scraping the ground.
  1267. >There’s a little sniffle.
  1268.  
  1269. “How about you crash with me? Since I can’t fly you up to Cloudsdale.”
  1270.  
  1271. >Rainbow doesn’t say anything.
  1272. >Instead she just nods.
  1273. >Anon picks her up slowly with one arm holding up her flank and the other her chest just below her neck.
  1274. >If she wasn’t so dizzy she might enjoy this more.
  1275. >But she enjoys it enough.
  1276. >She also tries her best to not get sick again while Anon walks.
  1277. >From a distance some of her friends were talking.
  1278.  
  1279. “See, all she needed to do was act like a lady and put on that feminine charm.”
  1280.  
  1281. “What are ya talkin’ ‘bout? All she did was almost get in a fight and fall over again.”
  1282.  
  1283. “Oh my sweet Applejack, there’s nothing more feminine than being vulnerable and that’s exactly what she is.”
  1284.  
  1285. “What I, vulnerable? She can darn near stay up straight!”
  1286.  
  1287. >Rarity flips her mane at the orange tomboy.
  1288. >AJ is about ready to clock her.
  1289.  
  1290. “You’ve got a lot to learn about what stallions want darling.”
  1291.  
  1292. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  1293.  
  1294. >Not wanting to set Rainbow down just yet, Anon fidgeted with his front door using his foot.
  1295. >He was taking so long Rainbow opened it herself by wing.
  1296. >Clumsily, he shuffled into his small home but still making sure to not bang Dash against any walls and such.
  1297. >Carrying her to the bed, he set her down well enough so she didn’t rock back and forth or hit it too hard.
  1298.  
  1299. “I’m gonna get you some water. Just try to rest ok?”
  1300.  
  1301. >Her only response is an agreeing grunt.
  1302. >Anon quickly flys through his trailer to get things ready.
  1303.  
  1304. “Did you eat anything? I’ve got eggs and whatever you left here last time.”
  1305.  
  1306. “Yeah that sounds nice…”
  1307.  
  1308. >Her head was hurting by this point.
  1309. >She rolled around in discomfort as the headaches started.
  1310. >Meanwhile Anon was making her little pick me up meal.
  1311. >Made just the way she likes it, eggs over easy on oats with a little hot sauce.
  1312. >It’s not the first time he’s made it for her.
  1313.  
  1314. “Alright be careful. It’s hot.”
  1315.  
  1316. >Anon brought over a plate and sat down next to the intoxicated mare.
  1317. >She was a little out of it still so he grabbed a fork and decided to help her eat.
  1318. >It wasn’t a ploy at all on Rainbow Dash’s part.
  1319. >There was a smile on her face as she munched down.
  1320.  
  1321. “Hey Anon?”
  1322.  
  1323. “Yes Rainbow?”
  1324.  
  1325. “Are you gonna sleep in the bed?”
  1326.  
  1327. “No it’s for you. I’ll be fine on the bean bag.”
  1328.  
  1329. >He starts to sit up.
  1330. >She stops him with a hoof.
  1331.  
  1332. “We can share it if you want.”
  1333.  
  1334. “That’s alright Dash I’ll-”
  1335.  
  1336. >She pulls him back down to the bed.
  1337.  
  1338. “Stay in the bed you damn knucklehead.”
  1339.  
  1340. >Anon doesn’t fight her.
  1341. >What’s sharing a bed between such good friends after all?
  1342. >He grabs the covers and puts them over Rainbow while getting on top.
  1343. >Rainbow groans and lets out a sigh.
  1344. >Pulling the blanket out from underneath him and throwing them over.
  1345. >Now they were both under the blankets and sheets together.
  1346. >Anon blushed.
  1347. >The least he could do was turn his back to her.
  1348. >But Rainbow was getting tired of his shit.
  1349. >She rotated him back so they were face to face.
  1350. >Pulling his arm over her she leaned in close to him.
  1351. >Inches away from her his mouth.
  1352. >She could feel his breath.
  1353. >And he could smell hers.
  1354.  
  1355. “Rainbow you’ve had a lot to drink.”
  1356.  
  1357. >She stops moving forward.
  1358.  
  1359. “Yeah. I have.”
  1360.  
  1361. >They both laid there.
  1362. >Fully clothed even, Rainbow still in her silly punk get up.
  1363. >Ponies in a ten mile radius could physically feel the awkward tension in their own homes.
  1364.  
  1365. “Could you just hold me?”
  1366.  
  1367. >There is an instant of silence.
  1368. >It feels like a thousand years.
  1369. >He doesn't say anything.
  1370. >Then pulled her closer.
  1371.  
  1372. >The words she wanted to say filled her belly, her throat, choking her on every breath.
  1373. >It might also be the bile from drinking earlier.
  1374. >She felt hot.
  1375. >The stuffiness, the heat, the sweat all swirled around her.
  1376. >Tossing and turning in his arms, groaning from the pain.
  1377. >Dash pushed away from Anon to cool off, mentally and physically.
  1378. >Rolling off the bed to escape the situation and her feelings.
  1379. >She trots slowly to the door, Anon sits up, she closes the door behind her.
  1380. >The cool night air felt like ice on her coat.
  1381. >She was still too dizzy to fly, but not too much to get on the roof.
  1382. >She wanted to look at the clouds.
  1383. >Sounds of the door opening again.
  1384.  
  1385. “Dash? Are you ok?”
  1386.  
  1387. >Instead of replying she turns away from him.
  1388. >The act of which made enough noise to catch his attention, entirely by accident.
  1389. >He climbs up to join her.
  1390. >It takes him a second longer than most.
  1391. >He plants himself down next to Dash.
  1392. >Placing his arm around her they gaze up at the sky together.
  1393.  
  1394. “What’s the matter pal?”
  1395.  
  1396. >Rainbow is shaking violently.
  1397. >She explodes away from Anon knocking him off the roof.
  1398.  
  1399. “I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR PAL!”
  1400.  
  1401. >She sees him writhing on the grass below.
  1402. >Quickly she dives to make sure he’s ok.
  1403.  
  1404. “Oh my gosh I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
  1405.  
  1406. “I’m alright, but why would you say something so hurtful?”
  1407.  
  1408. “That’s not what I meant.”
  1409.  
  1410. “Well what do you mean? You’ve been acting up so much lately.”
  1411.  
  1412. “How? How do you not get it already?”
  1413.  
  1414. “I really don’t know what this is about Dash. You’re my best friend, you can tell me anything.”
  1415.  
  1416. >Go for broke.
  1417.  
  1418. “I love you!”
  1419.  
  1420. “I love you too Dash.”
  1421.  
  1422. “No Anon.”
  1423.  
  1424. >He’s still lying on the ground.
  1425. >Rainbow looms over him.
  1426. >Her back hooves pressed firmly against his hips.
  1427. >Front hooves against his shoulders, she cranes her neck down to look right into his eyes.
  1428.  
  1429. “I don’t mean like two friends. I love you like a mare and a stallion do.”
  1430.  
  1431. “But I’m not a stallion.”
  1432.  
  1433. “I KNOW!”
  1434.  
  1435. >His face turns away as she yells at him.
  1436. >Tears start to form in Dash’s eyes as she watches.
  1437.  
  1438. “I’m sorry I don’t mean to yell. It’s just that, you can be so thick sometimes.”
  1439.  
  1440. “Is this about my weight?”
  1441.  
  1442. “Oh my fucking Celestia.”
  1443.  
  1444. >Dash leans all the way down and kisses Anon.
  1445. >It’s sloppy, it’s sweaty, it’s cold and it’s hot.
  1446. >The alcohol in her bloodstream, the stress and anxiety, the wind blowing and the heat shared between them.
  1447. >It all culminates in that kiss.
  1448. >She pulls back to look at his reaction.
  1449.  
  1450. “That’s how I love you.”
  1451.  
  1452. >He’s speechless.
  1453. >But then something terrible sneaks up.
  1454. >Rainbow starts gagging and falls off Anon.
  1455. >She vomits again.
  1456. >All the tension and jumping around got to her stomach.
  1457.  
  1458. “I’m sorry…”
  1459.  
  1460. >The words eek out of her muzzle while she groans on her side.
  1461. >At least she didn’t hit him with any of it.
  1462.  
  1463. “No no, it’s ok. Are you ok?”
  1464.  
  1465. “Yeah I’m totes fine just, ya know.”
  1466.  
  1467. “Why don’t we go back inside?”
  1468.  
  1469. >Rainbow is rolling around on the grass but nods yes.
  1470. >Anon picks her up wedding style and walks back through the front door.
  1471. >Back inside he lowered her onto the bed again.
  1472. >He started walking over to the bean bag.
  1473.  
  1474. “Where do you think you’re going thick head?”
  1475.  
  1476. “Right right.”
  1477.  
  1478. >Anon turned around and climbed into the bed with Rainbow.
  1479. >On the same level of blankets and sheets this time too.
  1480.  
  1481. “Rainbow?”
  1482.  
  1483. “Yeah?”
  1484.  
  1485. “Can you kiss me again?”
  1486.  
  1487. “Yeah.”
  1488.  
  1489. >They both scoot around on the mattress to get closer.
  1490. >He leans forward half way, she goes more than half.
  1491. >Another big fat smooch right on the lips.
  1492. >Anon pulls back though.
  1493. >He’s gagging.
  1494. >Running to the sink he starts washing his mouth out with water while Dash freaks out on the bed.
  1495. >The realization dawns on her, what she just did.
  1496. >She forgot to wash out her mouth.
  1497. >She almost knocks the nightstand and everything between the sink and her over rushing.
  1498. >Joining Anon in rinsing her mouth and brushing her teeth.
  1499. >There was a brush she kept here anyways, good time to have it.
  1500. >They gargle and spit and at the same time down the drain.
  1501. >Rainbow looks at Anon.
  1502. >He looks down at her.
  1503. >She expects him to ask her to leave.
  1504. >They stare a little bit then break into laughter.
  1505.  
  1506. “That was fucking gross Dash.”
  1507.  
  1508. >She jabs his side.
  1509.  
  1510. “You know you loved it.”
  1511.  
  1512. “Well, maybe part of it.”
  1513.  
  1514. “The part where I kissed you?”
  1515.  
  1516. >He turns his head away from her and twiddles his fingers.
  1517. >She places her hooves on his hands.
  1518.  
  1519. “What do you say we go back to bed and try again?”
  1520.  
  1521. >A little blush starts to show on his face.
  1522. >And he picks up Dash for what feels like the hundredth time tonight.
  1523. >She laughs and smiles as they lay down one more time.
  1524. >Finally having a moment that isn’t ruined for them.
  1525. >The two of them share their third kiss and it really is the charm.
  1526. >Rainbow finally feels able to enjoy it.
  1527. >Anon thinks he’s finally getting it, connecting the dots.
  1528. >With arms wrapped firm around Dash, but not her stomach to be safe, Anon holds her close and tight.
  1529.  
  1530. “I love you too Dash. Like a mare and a stallion.”
  1531.  
  1532. “You’re such a knucklehead.”
  1533.  
  1534. >They stayed together all night.
  1535.  
  1536. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  1537.  
  1538. >The next morning was only slightly awkward.
  1539. >Anon woke up first while Dash continued to sleep off her hangover.
  1540. >He made her more eggs and oats.
  1541. >When he tried getting dressed she asked if he had somewhere to be.
  1542. >He didn’t.
  1543. >And she demanded he get back into bed.
  1544. >They couldn’t spend all day like this though.
  1545. >At some point they did get up.
  1546. >Dash finally had a good look at herself with her new look.
  1547. >Wow, she thought, what was I thinking?
  1548. >A ruffle here, spit in her hoof to slick it back there.
  1549. >Rainbow removes all the fake piercings or at least the ones that hadn’t fallen off yet.
  1550. >Her mane is still a little shorter than before, when she doesn’t have it up in a mohawk she kind of likes it.
  1551. >It would probably be more comfortable when she wears her uniform at least.
  1552. >Suddenly from behind, Anon sneaks up and wraps his arms around Dash’s torso.
  1553.  
  1554. “I love you Dash!”
  1555.  
  1556. “Yeah I know. I love you too. You’ve said it like a thousand times by now.”
  1557.  
  1558. “I can’t help it. I love you.”
  1559.  
  1560. >Anon’s got his head down next to her’s.
  1561. >She gives him a noogie while they laugh.
  1562.  
  1563. “So I’ve gotta help with some weather duty today, probably check in with my friends after last night. I was kinda mean.”
  1564.  
  1565. “I need to check in with my job too.”
  1566.  
  1567. >Dash’s ears perk up.
  1568.  
  1569. “You have a job?”
  1570.  
  1571. “Of course I do. How else could I have gotten this cozy trailer?”
  1572.  
  1573. “I always thought you stole it.”
  1574.  
  1575. “You silly filly. I bought it with my hard earned bits from professional belly rubs.”
  1576.  
  1577. >As he says it Anon starts vigorously rubbing Dash’s underside.
  1578. >She melts a little in his grasp.
  1579. >They nuzzle their cheeks together and give each other a quick peck.
  1580.  
  1581. “One day I will report you to the authorities for the theft of this place.”
  1582.  
  1583. “Good thing it’s mobile. They’ll never catch me.”
  1584.  
  1585. >After freshening up from wearing the same thing for three days Rainbow took off.
  1586. >Of course not before receiving another barrage of love and affection from Anon.
  1587. >And reciprocating.
  1588. >The day slowed like a broken wing.
  1589. >She spent most of it daydreaming about her new relationship.
  1590. >She hopes anyway, there’s no way he is so slow that he doesn’t realize it by now.
  1591.  
  1592. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
  1593.  
  1594. >It’s been a couple weeks since the night Rainbow confessed her feelings.
  1595. >She had been spending a lot of time around Anon.
  1596. >Her friends were trying to get her to spill the details.
  1597. >Rarity had met her at the Spa again.
  1598.  
  1599. “So did you play hide the horn with him?”
  1600.  
  1601. “Yeah right. If I’d asked him that he’d say he wasn’t a unicorn.”
  1602.  
  1603. “You know what I mean darling. Did you two knock hooves?”
  1604.  
  1605. “Heh. Once again Rares you fail to understand how thick I can be. I mean he can be.”
  1606.  
  1607. “He must be rubbing off on you.”
  1608.  
  1609. “He didn’t do that either.”
  1610.  
  1611. “I just can’t believe for somepony who loves going fast THIS is what you decide to go slow on.”
  1612.  
  1613. >Despite Rarity’s interrogation techniques she couldn’t get a straight answer from Rainbow.
  1614. >Neither could Twilight and Fluttershy later at Flutter’s cottage.
  1615.  
  1616. “Um, have you tried doing things to him while he’s sleeping?”
  1617.  
  1618. “Flutters, what is wrong with you?”
  1619.  
  1620. >They were having a little pet playdate for Tank and Owlowiscious.
  1621. >For Fluttershy it was more like she brought a zoo.
  1622.  
  1623. “Well Rainbow I’m glad you finally got what you wanted.”
  1624.  
  1625. >Twilight’s snarky attitude was lost on Rainbow Dash.
  1626.  
  1627. “Would you say that being aggressive and attacking Anon was your path to a successful relationship?”
  1628.  
  1629. “Are you taking notes?”
  1630.  
  1631. “Yes, there’s a lot of research to be done on the friendship between ponies and non ponies.”
  1632.  
  1633. “I’d say I had no choice. Even now he still doesn’t get it sometimes. He STILL calls me buddy or pal when we’re in the same bed doing, ya know.”
  1634.  
  1635. “No I don’t know. Please be completely transparent. This information could be incredibly useful when I publish it.”
  1636.  
  1637. “Oh there is no way I’m putting any of this on record Twilight.”
  1638.  
  1639. >She continued to fend off Twilight’s attempts to get her to spill.
  1640. >Fluttershy continued her off putting remarks about how to get ponies to do what you want.
  1641. >Pinkie and Applejack were the only ones who weren’t prying Dash about her intimate side.
  1642. >Instead they had just assumed.
  1643.  
  1644. “So what are you gonna name your foals? And how many are you gonna have? And-”
  1645.  
  1646. “Pinkie slow down. Dash’ll have foals on her own time.”
  1647.  
  1648. >Rainbow let out a sigh of relief.
  1649. >At least one of her friends wasn’t jumping the gun about this whole deal.
  1650.  
  1651. “The real question is when are y'all getting hitched?”
  1652.  
  1653. >Dash was blushing bright pink through her coat.
  1654. >All this sort of stuff was just fantasy to her.
  1655. >She was still figuring out how to get her wings comfortable sleeping in a bed with someone else.
  1656. >Much less things like getting married with foals.
  1657. >Is she gonna have to leave Cloudsdale or will Anon deal with getting stuck in the clouds?
  1658. >How does her health insurance premium change if they do get married?
  1659. >She WAS flying to Anon’s place instead of hers.
  1660. >But this wasn’t a permanent solution.
  1661. >She had hoped talking with her friends would help settle her mind about all this.
  1662. >Instead it made it worse.
  1663. >Landing just outside she could smell something cooking.
  1664. >It smelled delicious.
  1665. >Dash opened the door and saw Anon in his dumb “Boop the Cook” apron.
  1666. >He smiled when he turned his head and saw her.
  1667.  
  1668. “Hey budd-, hun. Hope you’re in the mood hayburgers.”
  1669.  
  1670. >Rainbow chuckled.
  1671. >She thought about all the things troubling her mind.
  1672. >And none of them mattered right now.
  1673. >Just being together.
  1674. >That was good enough.

Writing For Yourself

by SuckingSocks

Only and Always Her

by SuckingSocks

Nether Zone of the Night Bone

by SuckingSocks

Mac 'n' Cheesy Marble

by SuckingSocks

Untitled Battered House Anon

by SuckingSocks