I'm Not Proud of This


                                            Based on a prompt from a RGRE thread.


                                            >It had been years since that terrible stormy night.

                                            >The royal weather pegasi were asked to take a break and somepony had taken advantage to create cover in the darkness.

                                            >Like putting a sheet over a dead body, because a part of her died that night.

                                            >Twilight Sparkle was pacing in the Canterlot palace halls.

                                            >Brainstorming a way to fix everything that went wrong so long ago.

                                            >When IT showed up.

                                            >Dropped off directly in Celestia’s bedroom past all the guards and defense spells.

                                            >Placed in her bed, under her sheets, that dastardly genius it would take to pull off such a feat astounded Twilight.

                                            >It was a baby, scientifically male, with a six pack you could grate cheese on.

                                            >A baby that somehow cursed Celestia or brainwashed her, or maybe it was some kind of changeling trick.


                                            “Either way I had to stop him and save my teacher.”


                                            >The guard stallions, concerned, glanced over at each other.

                                            >They were used to Celestia’s manic rants to herself.

                                            >But now Twilight too?

                                            >They stood stoic in the face of schizophrenic rambling.


                                            “I remember everypony fawning over him and his hot baby body. How they disgust me.”


                                            >She finally stopped trotting in circles and left.

                                            >Leaving for the royal kitchen.

                                            >Doing her best she snuck through crawling on the marble floor.

                                            >The sound of her hooves echoed while the chef mare watched.

                                            >Twilight did notice she had been spotted and cast the only spell appropriate for a member of the royal staff.

                                            >Using her magic she picked her up and turned her around.

                                            >The chef mare was scared out of her mind and let it happen, remaining still when she was put down.

                                            >Twilight returned to her mission.

                                            >Inside a cabinet, on the top shelf, higher than most ponies could reach.

                                            >Ponies without a massive and impressive understanding of magic anyways.

                                            >There it was, the menace’s source of power.

                                            >A half open bag of protein powder.

                                            >Twilight was swapping it with powdered sugar and flour.


                                            “Ahhh, with this I’ll finally be able to weaken him enough to break his hold on Princess Celestia.”


                                            >She cackled to herself, rubbing her hooves in front of her narrowed crazy eyes.

                                            >The chef mare was getting concerned and coughed hoping to scare off Twilight.

                                            >It worked.

                                            >Startled, Twilight galloped off with her plan set in motion.

                                            >She was going to watch her prey to witness the fruits of her labor.

                                            >Watch his perfect physique, bulging muscles, and juicy butt.

                                            >Watch it all crumble.

                                            >He should be out in the gardens, working on himself while mares and stallions alike fawn over him.

                                            >The hopeless fools she would soon be saving.

                                            >She approached the garden windows hunched over.

                                            >There he was, practicing his sewing while three noble mares waited with bated breaths just off to the side.

                                            >The ultimate threat to Equestria and harmony.

                                            >The adopted son of HER teacher Princess Celestia.

                                            >Anonymous.


                                            >She watched him from afar.

                                            >And watched and watched.

                                            >He's still just stitching together that stuffed bear.

                                            >The thirsty mares didn't seem to mind.

                                            >They *ooh* and *aww* at every flick of his wrist, the flex of his perfect forearms.

                                            >Twilight, however bored she is, doesn't move.

                                            >She must witness Anonymous's downfall.

                                            >When he drinks it he'll become nothing but skin and bones.

                                            >Too weak to fight even a child.

                                            >He'll trip every step he takes, gasp for air, and when he falls Twilight will be there.

                                            >And she'll laugh.

                                            >These vivid thoughts pleased Twilight.

                                            >Too bad they were all in a dream.

                                            >The obsessed mare had fallen asleep waiting.

                                            >When she looked out the window Anonymous was gone.

                                            >Twilight was panicking.

                                            >She rushed back to the kitchen to look for traces of her plan.

                                            >There was a mountain of dishes being attended to by more royal staff.

                                            >It was Friday.

                                            >Anonymous would be drinking from the plastic blue bunny cup.

                                            >He always drank from the blue bunny cup on Fridays.

                                            >Always.

                                            >Twilight pushed past the humble cleaning pony and searched through the dishes.

                                            >Her prize was there.

                                            >The cup smelled like cake batter.

                                            >Holy Celestia, he drank the whole thing.

                                            >Funny though, it also smelled like milk.

                                            >There wasn't any in the refrigerator.

                                            >Neatly organized, Twilight left after putting every dish back in its place.

                                            >That is, in a chaotic pile for the cleaning pony to deal with.

                                            >She started teleporting around the castle, tired of using her hooves.

                                            >Library, no.

                                            >Garden, no.

                                            >Embroidery and crocheting room, no.

                                            >All the places a stallion mind find himself in Anon was not.

                                            >Twilight groaned to herself.

                                            >If he's not in any of those places there's one he definitely would be.

                                            >With Princess Celestia.

                                            >Just the thought of them in the same room causes Twilight to gag.

                                            >She teleports just outside the throne room.

                                            >But a peek inside reveals no princess and no sculpted piece of trash.

                                            >Oh no, she thought.

                                            >There was one last place.

                                            >Twilight casts her spell one more time, taking herself to the entrance of Princess Celestia's bedroom.

                                            >Before she even tries spying through the right door keyhole, she's had experience, giggles and other playful noises can be heard.


                                            >Normally the sound of her teacher’s laughter would make her happy.

                                            >Now it makes her stomach turn.

                                            >Twilight peeps through the door to see the two of them.

                                            >The disgusting act they were committing together was almost too much to witness.

                                            >A pillow fight.

                                            >Celestia was of course letting Anon win as she fainted onto the bed dramatically.

                                            >Twilight examined him through the door and to her shock he seemed even better.

                                            >His six pack has become a whole damn party pack of twelve.

                                            >Every inch of him was more defined in his stupid pink speedo with white flowers.

                                            >Was he taller too?

                                            >She didn’t understand.

                                            >He drank baking batter.

                                            >He probably did two scoops, at least.


                                            “Come to bed dear.”


                                            “Yes mother.”


                                            >Twilight threw up in her mouth a little.

                                            >Celestia was cradling Anon and rocking him to sleep.

                                            >She galloped away before having to see anything else.

                                            >It wasn’t right.

                                            >SHE should be the one getting rocked to sleep in her teacher’s loving embrace.

                                            >Not that muscled freak.


                                            —----------------------------------


                                            >Life sure was good.

                                            >Everypony in Canterlot loves you.

                                            >Your mother loves you, your friends love you.

                                            >You’ve got a ton of family and friends who are all just the best.

                                            >At this very moment your perfect and beautiful biological mother Princess Celestia was rocking you to sleep.

                                            >She knows you sometimes get nightmares unless she does this.

                                            >So every night you slept in her bed.


                                            “Mother, tell me a story please. Tell me about the time I was born again.”


                                            “Of course my sweet little baby.”


                                            >Celestia went on about the beautiful, immaculate, virgin birth of her son.

                                            >It was a beautiful day full of sunshine and rainbows.

                                            >Where her perfect and incredibly attractive son Anonymous was born.

                                            >Created from the pure love Celestia had for him before he was even alive.

                                            >And without needing surgery or destroying her “private pony place”.

                                            >So as to leave both of them unspoiled virgins.


                                            “You are my biological son and perfect in every way. I love you, sleep well.”


                                            “I love you too mother.”


                                            >Truly there was no other pony more blessed in all of Equestria.


                                            —----------------------------------


                                            >A few days go by.

                                            >Twilight was working on a new plan to defeat Anonymous.

                                            >If she couldn't attack his stomach she'd go after something else.

                                            >His weights.

                                            >With a simple transfiguration spell she could change the density inside them to be weightless.

                                            >Like lifting paper-mache.

                                            >Eventually he'll lose his strength.

                                            >And there was no way it could go wrong this time.

                                            >Twilight was tearing around his room looking for them.


                                            "I swear he keeps them in hear somewhere."


                                            "Keeps what in where?"


                                            >Her head shoots up at the voice.

                                            >She whips her head around so fast she nearly cracks it.

                                            >It's Prince Blueblood.

                                            >Officially related to Celestia and Luna but so far removed his ancestry is laughable.

                                            >Even worse was that he and Anonymous acted like best brothers.

                                            >Despite the fact that Anon would be some sort of crazy removed cousin uncle thing.

                                            >Not that either of them were intelligent enough to comprehend any of this.


                                            "Oh I was just… looking for…"


                                            >Her eyes darted around the room for something inconspicuous.


                                            "This!"


                                            >With her magic she lifted a random teddy bear.

                                            >Anonymous made them by the dozen for some strange reason.


                                            "Aren't you a little old for stuffed toys?"


                                            "Uhm yeah I guess. Kinda embarrassing right? So you shouldn't tell anypony about seeing me here."


                                            "I suppose I could. After all how could a low born pony comprehend growing out of foalish things."


                                            "Yup that's me. Just can't help myself."


                                            >Blueblood and Twilight stared at each other in silence.

                                            >Almost simultaneously to break the awkward tension, Twilight laughed while Blueblood turned up his nose in a sigh.

                                            >She awkwardly backed out of the room before quickly trotting off.

                                            >Trying to reevaluate her plan as she threw the bear at a random mare trotting the halls.

                                            >Said mare was ecstatic to receive a coveted Anonymous "handmade" stuffed animal.

                                            >She jammed it into her nostrils and took a huge whiff.

                                            >Twilight was thinking of a new angle.

                                            >Sneaking into his room seemed a no go.

                                            >Kind of suspicious for a mare to be sneaking into a stallion's room anyways.

                                            >Perhaps instead she could change them while he was in the middle of using them?

                                            >Yes, that's perfect.

                                            >He definitely won't suspect something is wrong if he uses them first.


                                            >She’ll just have to stalk him again to catch him in the act.

                                            >But a mare following a stallion around will attract attention.

                                            >Some jumped up mare might even try to “defend his honor” and lay out Twilight.

                                            >Better to have Spike do it for her.

                                            >She started calling out to him galloping around the palace.


                                            “Twilight?”


                                            >She moved in on the sound of his voice.

                                            >Hiding in her room he was reading comics under her bed again.

                                            >He’s always so ashamed of his feminine hobbies.

                                            >Way more mares would like him if they knew how much of a tomgirl he was.

                                            >Maybe dragons are different or something, like Saddle Arabia.


                                            “Spike, I need you to spy on Anonymous for me.”


                                            “Aw give it a rest Twilight. If you like him so much why don’t you just talk to him? What’s the worst that could happen?”


                                            “That’s not what this is about Spike and you know it. He’s a threat to harmony everywhere!”


                                            “Because he took your spot as teacher’s pet?”


                                            >Twilight sighs at Spike’s attempts to annoy her.

                                            >Nothing could frustrate her in her pursuit however.


                                            “What do you want for it?”


                                            “I want a fake ID.”


                                            “No way! You’re way too young to drink. I think.”


                                            “Come on Twilight. It’s so I can buy R-rated comic books.”


                                            >The thought that Twilight could just buy them for him never crossed Spike’s young mind.

                                            >Twilight wasn’t really sure how to get a fake ID for a dragon of all things.

                                            >Maybe she could just find a spell for it.

                                            >Or maybe Spike would just forget.


                                            “Either way it’s a deal.”


                                            “What do you mean either way?”


                                            >The schizophrenia strengthens its hold.


                                            “Never mind. Just go find Anonymous and hang around him until he starts working out. Ya know, lifting heavy stuff.”


                                            >Spike crawled out from under the bed and gave Twilight a mocking salute.

                                            >She stifled a giggle and pushed him out the door.

                                            >There’s no way anyone would suspect a little dragon.

                                            >All Twilight had to do was bide her time and strike that toned snake in the grass.

                                            >She flung herself onto her bed snickering to herself and levitated a book over to read.

                                            >Oediponus Rex, one of her favorites.


                                            —----------------------------------


                                            >Spike waddled through the castle on his short stumpy legs.

                                            >He didn’t hold much love for Anonymous either.

                                            >Despite being a non pony male he was treated without special treatment.

                                            >Unlike the perfect Anon.

                                            >Couldn’t go two steps without mares drooling over him.

                                            >But even Spike was old enough to know that jealousy makes anypony look unattractive.

                                            >He found Anon in the kitchen.

                                            >Practicing his baking and cooking skills, surrounded by mares as usual.

                                            >They were supposed to be teaching him how to make a cake.

                                            >Although they were thinking of a different kind of cake.

                                            >Anon came up from his squatting position with the baked goods in mitten hand.

                                            >It was burnt to a crisp.

                                            >One of the mares tried a bite and almost instantly gagged.

                                            >Despite the vomit filling her mouth she managed to smile and swallow it all back down.


                                            “It’s so good. Great job Anon!”


                                            “Thanks, I’m probably the best chef in Equestria.”


                                            >All the mares circled around nodding while the taste tester broke away to find a bucket.

                                            >Spike thought to himself how he’d never become this deluded if a mare paid any attention to him.


                                            >He planted himself on a nearby stool and waited around, watching Anon.

                                            >Who in question made several more attempts at pastries, biscuits, and other baked sweets.

                                            >Except none of them were sweet and every single mare who tested them nearly gagged to his face.

                                            >But each one told him they were great with a fake smile smeared on their face.

                                            >This went on until every teacher reached the limit on their gag reflex.

                                            >They told Anon they were just too full.


                                            “I guess the lesson is over then?”


                                            >The mares gave affirming groans in unison.

                                            >Feeling accomplished in his lesson, Anon put up his apron and oven mitts.

                                            >They were the only things he was wearing besides some shorts and sandals.

                                            >He left the kitchen and Spike followed.

                                            >It was slow going.

                                            >Everytime Anon passed a mirror, window, or some spilled reflective puddle on the ground he stopped to flex at himself.

                                            >What should be a five minute walk turns into an hour.

                                            >Spike starts sleepwalking from boredom.

                                            >Before he notices it he walks straight into Anon.


                                            “Perfect timing Spike. I need a spotter and I can’t find Blueblood.”


                                            >Anonymous is laying underneath a massive bar with several massive disks on both ends.


                                            “Uh, I don’t know about that.”


                                            “Nonsense you’ll be fine.”


                                            >He grips Spike like a squeaky toy.

                                            >Placing him directly on the bar, Spike is too short to reach the ground.

                                            >Instead he hangs on the bar.

                                            >Not much of a spotter it would seem.

                                            >Anon doesn’t notice or care, he starts getting to work.

                                            >Spike, remembering his task, gets off the bar and waddles as fast as he can to go find Twilight.

                                            >Pacing himself through the halls he finds her still in her room.

                                            >She appears to also have dozed off waiting.

                                            >There’s some book about moms on her face.


                                            “Hey, wake up.”


                                            “A SQUARED PLUS B SQUARED EQUALS C SQUARED!”


                                            “Oh boy, what were you dreaming about?”


                                            “I was being forced to teach deaf foals geometry.”


                                            >Spike giggles.


                                            “Well I’m here. Anon’s started doing his thing in the gym.”


                                            “We have a gym?”


                                            “Yeah I bet you wouldn’t know.”


                                            >Spike snickers and pokes at Twilight’s belly.

                                            >It’s a little extra, pudgy even.

                                            >She swats his hand away.

                                            >Twilight starts to leave the room while Spike whines about getting his part of the deal.

                                            >She dismisses him with a wave while galloping off.

                                            >Before coming right back.


                                            “Where is the gym?”


                                            >Spike sighs and gives her the directions before she abandons him again.

                                            >He could wait, thought Twilight.

                                            >She slows her pace as she approaches to avoid making noise.

                                            >While poking her head through the door she spots him.

                                            >The smug bastard was laughing and reveling as more mares cheered him on.

                                            >He had asked for more weight so they were holding onto his arms.

                                            >”Oh you’re so strong for a stallion Anon,” they cheered.

                                            >Twilight cringed in disgust at them.

                                            >But now was the perfect time to sabotage him.

                                            >Twilight’s horn lit up as she started transmuting all the equipment and gear around Anonymous.

                                            >He didn’t even seem to notice, lifting at his same rate.

                                            >Twilight growled but this would be a slow victory.

                                            >It will take some time.


                                            “Are you spying on Anonymous again?”


                                            >The voice belonged to Luna.


                                            “I don’t see the appeal personally. He’s a little old for me.”


                                            "Princess Luna? I don't have any sort of attraction to that thing."


                                            "Then why do you dream of him every night?"


                                            "The same dreams where I throw him off the tower balcony?"


                                            "Yes well they are still dreams of him. This obsession with Anonymous is unhealthy Twilight Sparkle."


                                            >Twilight continues destroying the weights.

                                            >She ignores Luna's plea and continues to obsess over Anonymous.

                                            >Destroying him that is.

                                            >For Celestia's sake.

                                            >Anonymous still hasn't seemed to notice.

                                            >He hasn't noticed much of anything actually.

                                            >He sets the bar down and sits up.


                                            "Thanks for the help Spike."


                                            "I'm not Spike."


                                            >Anon turned around to see a pony in fact was spotting him instead of a dragon.

                                            >She was shredded with bulging veins.


                                            "Oh well thank you miss."


                                            "I'm a stallion."


                                            "I'm sorry I must have mistook you with your soft silky mane and huge crotch breasts."


                                            "Thank you but those are my balls."


                                            >The stallion turns away from Anon.

                                            >Scratching at his back acne before leaving Anon.

                                            >As he trots away Celestia comes in.

                                            >She's being accosted by some dignitaries from some province or city.

                                            >She wasn't really paying attention and just trying to get them to wait outside for a moment.

                                            >She just wanted to see her precious Anon.


                                            "Yes of course your Honor. Thank you your Honor. I will send some royal aid to help your famine."


                                            >She finishes saying after nearly pushing them out.

                                            >Their nagging could still be heard through the door

                                            >With that taken care of Celestia's face instantly brightened as she saw Anon.


                                            "Mother!"


                                            "My sweet precious little foal!"


                                            >She gracefully flutters over to him.

                                            >Everypony in the room stops what they're doing to ooh and aah at the princess and her son.

                                            >They are all struck, smitten by the purity of her love and affection.

                                            >As a mother obviously.


                                            "What are you doing here?"


                                            "I made time to come see my favorite son in the whole of Equestria."


                                            "You really mean that? I'm your favorite son?"


                                            >She giggles at him, nodding and hugging him in a winged embrace.

                                            >Twilight still spyi- watching rolls her eyes.

                                            >She doesn't have any other sons, you idiot, Twilight thinks to herself.

                                            >How thick can he be?


                                            "Oh wow! Look how strong you are."


                                            >Celestia gestures to the bench Anon had been using.

                                            >She sits in front of it and moves to raise it with her hooves.

                                            >Perfect, thought Twilight, this was even better than she could hope for.

                                            >The princess gets the bar settled on her royal hooves.

                                            >She goes to lift it.

                                            >And she struggles, struggles hard.

                                            >Huffing and puffing but she doesn't even nudge it.


                                            "WHAT?"


                                            >Twilight involuntary yells.

                                            >But neither Celestia or Anon react, seemingly enamored with each other.


                                            "My goodness Anon. You can lift all that?"


                                            "And I don't even break a sweat. Feels like I'm lifting nothing at all."