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Moonwalker

By ArchiveAccount
Created: 2023-09-17 21:12:59
Updated: 2023-09-17 22:00:16
Expiry: Never

  1. Written by Smudgey
  2.  
  3. >You are Anon.
  4. >Currently receiving the only ounce of peace you're afforded in this horse world.
  5. >Sleep.
  6. >Beautiful, wonderful, sleep.
  7. >It's the only time you have where you can relax and forget about your worries.
  8. >More than anything, you cherish any precious amount of time you can spend away from those blasted pastel horses.
  9. >The Egyptian slave orgies also help.
  10. >Currently, you were resting sideways on a lavish throne in the middle of a royal banquet as female attendees fawn over you.
  11. >Right as you're about to partake in the grapes one is offering you, you hear and abrupt knocking on your chamber doors.
  12. >The sudden sound startles you and breaks your concentration, your luxurious surroundings fading from existence.
  13. >Instead they are replaced with the cold stone walls of a palace dungeon.
  14. Son of a... what the hell is this?
  15. >With a quick glance you can see you're locked in one of the prison cages.
  16. >You look around aimlessly, meagerly trying to find means of escape.
  17. >It didn't make sense, this is -your- dream, nothing should be able to interrupt your alone time.
  18. >Not unless--
  19. >Suddenly, the sound of hooves clopping on stone floors echos in the distance.
  20. >You turn to the direction it came from, a shadow slowly creeping over the poorly lit wall leading up to the staircase.
  21. >Even in the darkness, you could tell what it was.
  22. >The sight causes you to start mumbling in a panic.
  23. No, it's not possible, how could they get in here as well!?
  24. >Dread fills you as it becomes terrifyingly clear that this is no longer your welcoming safe space.
  25. >Before the being becomes aware of your position, you rush to the corner of the room.
  26. >Reaching around the wall from between the bars, you pry the keys out of a guard's cold dead hand and fumble with the lock on your door.
  27. >Despite how flustered you are, you manage to open it.
  28. >Unfortunately, your sudden actions alert the intruder as well.
  29. >For a brief moment you spot the wall shadow's face turning toward you, looking in your direction as if its hollow eyes could see you clearly.
  30. >Not wanting to linger any longer, you turn around and run down the seemingly endless hallway.
  31. >At the same time, you hear the nameless creature behind you kick off and take chase.
  32. >Holy shit, how is it so fast?
  33. >Realizing outrunning it would only delay the inevitable, you do an instant turn and hide in a different seemingly inconspicuous open cell.
  34. >Tumbling to a halt, you hide beneath the bed and carefully listen for the sound of hoofsteps coming towards you.
  35. >It takes a few moments, but you finally manage to catch a glimpse of four legs as they run past and disappear.
  36. >Finally able to relax, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in.
  37. >Crawling out from underneath the bed, you stealthily sneak out and turn around, heading back towards the staircase.
  38. >But the instant you let your guard down, you suddenly feel yourself pinned face first to the floor.
  39. >"ANONYMOUS, DO NOT BE ALARMED, WE HAVE COME TO SHARE WORDS WITH THEE."
  40. >You knew it, it was that fucking moon horse!
  41. No god damn it! This is my special time, you can't take that away from me!
  42. >Struggling under her immense pressure, you manage to wiggle your arms out from underneath you.
  43. >"PLEASE ANONYMOUS, WE WOULD JUST LIKE TO SPEAK WITH THOU AND THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD BE AN AMPLE OPPORTUNITY!"
  44. Ample my ass! Being asleep is the only time I don't have to deal with you chuckle fucks!
  45. >You realize now the reason your subconscious led you to a prison must have been because that's how it feels whenever you're near these blasted ponies.
  46. >Using your free upper body, you strain and try to pull yourself out from underneath her.
  47. >Seeing your clear frustration as you struggle, the blue princess takes a deep breath and tries to be more amiable.
  48. >"Anonymous, our business is of a serious matter and we would wish for you to spare us your attention for this evening."
  49. >Your reply is immediate.
  50. No.
  51. >Though you can't see her expression as she's currently standing on your spine, you can feel her lean back slightly in surprise from your blunt answer.
  52. >You don't know what she wants, but it is most certainly some contrived horse problem you don't need to deal with.
  53. >With a great deal of effort, you roll yourself over so you can look her in the face.
  54. Luna, I put up with a lot of shit during the day, I refuse to let you take my night as well.
  55. >Gripping one of your thumbs firmly with your free hand, you ball that hand into a fist and chuckle menacingly.
  56. You know, I knew this day would come, and to think they thought I was crazy.
  57. >Confused by your actions, Luna questions you.
  58. >"Anonymous... what is thou doing?"
  59. >You throw back a smug grin in her face.
  60. A "get out of jail free" card if you will. A little trick I taught myself back in 'Nam.
  61. >You were never in 'Nam, hell she probably didn't even know what "'Nam" meant, but it felt cooler than saying you learned it from watching The Magic School Bus when you were five.
  62. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows you know, sometimes there's emergencies, life throws you a curve ball and the last thing you want is to be caught sleeping on the job.
  63. >Clearly not understanding where you're going with this, the blue alicorn simply tilts her head as she looks down on you with puzzlement.
  64. >Letting out a cheeky sigh, you shake your head and shrug at her mockingly.
  65. Tell me Luna, did you know one can condition themselves to wake up from sleep whenever the need arises?
  66. >Finally understanding what your plan entails, Luna panics.
  67. >"ANONYMOUS WAIT! IF THOU FORCETH THINE SELF OUT OF THE DREAMSCAP--"
  68. Later 'bater.
  69. >Having decided you've already had more than your fill of her shenanigans, you snap your metaphorical thumb in half.
  70. >The sense of realization that you felt no pain from this action confirms that this is in fact a dream, cuing your body to do its thing.
  71. >In an instant you feel your dream-self fade from existence, forcing the world around you to collapse.
  72.  
  73. >You open your eyes and blink for a moment.
  74. >You're back in the real world... well the "Equestrian" world anyway.
  75. >Looking out the window, it seems to still be slightly dark out, probably close to morning.
  76. >Going back to sleep was probably a bad idea, but you definitely did not want to get up yet.
  77. 'Meh... five more minutes.'
  78. >Groaning to no one in particular, you try to roll over and get a few more minutes of shut eye.
  79. >Only then do you notice a problem.
  80. >As you turn over, your arm grabs hold of nothing as you do a full 180 spin, coming face to face... with Luna.
  81. >'We hope thou art proud of thine actions.'
  82. 'JESUS!'
  83. >Flailing in a panic, you feel yourself float a few inches away from... yourself?
  84. >Looking down, you see both your own body resting in bed, along with a ghostly looking Luna who is currently staring daggers through you.
  85. >If looks could kill...
  86. 'Wait a minute.'
  87. >You bring your hand up to your face and find it's completely see-through.
  88. >Waving it back and forth, all you see is a ghostly trail left behind, reminiscent of shaking a glowstick.
  89. 'Ohhhhh no, no-no-no this is not cool at all.'
  90. >Are you dead? You can't be dead, your body is right there, it's even snoring!
  91. >Your mouth is in fact hanging wide open as drool leaks from your face.
  92. >God, do you always look that gross when you nap?
  93. >Shaking that thought from your head, you ignore Luna and float back down to try and force yourself back into your body, but all you manage to do is phase right through it.
  94. >The ghostly princess beside you rolls her eyes.
  95. >'That will do thou no good Anonymous, we are stuck like this for the time being.'
  96. >You wince at her words and the other worldly feel they have laced on them.
  97. >Dear god, it feels like her voice is echoing in your head.
  98. >Floating back up to eye level with her, it's your turn to glare at her.
  99. 'Explain right fucking now.'
  100. >As she sits up, she allows herself to drift up above your bed as you reluctantly join her.
  101. >'We tried to warn thou, but thine actions speak for thine selves. Simply put, we are now umbral projecting.'
  102. >All you can do is give a look of complete and utter loss.
  103. 'Simple? What the hell does that even mean!?'
  104. >'It means that our sleeping thoughts are being magically forced into the waking world.'
  105. 'Well then fix it!'
  106. >'We cannot.'
  107. >You're taken aback by her immediate refusal.
  108. 'Buh- What do you mean you "cannot"? Just use some of your damn alicorn magic!'
  109. >Looking at you, she lets out a mild huff of distaste.
  110. >'We would love nothing more than do so, but we have no power in this current form.'
  111. >You close your eyes and pinch the bridge between your nose in frustration.
  112. 'I... I can't even deal with you right now; why not?'
  113. >Seeing she's getting no where, she lets out a deep sigh.
  114. >'Then allow me to explain in greater detail. When one sleeps, they allow their subconscious to take precedence over themselves. We on the other hoof, use our full consciousness to enter subjects dreams via magic. When we are done, we cast our spell once more and simply leave.'
  115. >She points a ghostly hoof at you.
  116. >'However, thou's actions have disrupted this chain of events.'
  117. 'Meaning?'
  118. >You just barely catch her furrowing her brow in annoyance as she takes slightly longer with her words, making a show of speaking to you like you were a child.
  119. >'Meaning, both of our actual consciousnesses are now currently sleeping in your dreamscape. With no where to go, our thoughts now end up here.'
  120. >She waves a hoof as she gestures around your room, her arm leaving a eerie trail as it goes.
  121. 'Well then what do we do?'
  122. >Settling back down, she returns to a more dignified sitting posture, despite how odd it looks that she's sitting on nothing but air.
  123. >'The only solution would be to instruct a pony knowledgeable enough to reverse the effects. Our sister would be able to do so, but a new day has begun, and if she has not taken notice of our absence then that may not be an option for quite sometime.'
  124. >All you can do is stare at her.
  125. 'So what you're saying is, all we can do is float around like goldfish and hope for the best?'
  126. >She simply nods, as if it were the obvious answer.
  127. 'Okay-okay-okay, d-don't panic! Someone will eventually come find me right? I mean I'm super popular right? Right! Twilight, yeah she can fix this, she can fix anything!'
  128. >You rapidly nod as you try to convince yourself that everything is just peachy, Luna opting to just keep her eyes closed and patiently ride this whole mess out.
  129. 'We just have to sit back and hold out until someone notices I'm missi--'
  130. >Right in the middle of your sentence your jaw drops.
  131. >Your sudden silence is enough to grab Luna's attention again, prompting her to sneak a look at you through a barely open eye.
  132. >This would be because you're left speechless as you watch your body slowly sit up on its own.
  133. >Eyes still shut, your body lets out a huge yawn, before wrenching off the covers and slowly standing up.
  134. 'What the fuck? No, NO GET BACK IN BED!'
  135. >Genuinely surprised, Luna chimes in with a voice that's far too chipper for the current dire situation.
  136. >'Oh my, it would appear the situation is more complicated than even we had anticipated.'
  137. >It kind of pisses you off that she's being so calm about this.
  138. >Seemingly unable to hear either of you, your body meanders over to your dresser and starts pulling out random clothes that all scatter on the floor.
  139. >Floating over to Luna, you gesture towards your body.
  140. 'What the hell is happening?'
  141. >Putting a hoof on her chin, she looks mildly lost in thought for a moment.
  142. >'It would appear with your consciousness out of commission, your subconsciousness has taken over the reigns as it were.'
  143. >She says it in a dry tone like it's someone else's problem.
  144. >You guess that was technically true, but it still annoyed you anyway.
  145. >After emptying what would appear to be your entire wardrobe collection from the dresser, you watch as your body pantomimes putting on new clothes before wandering off to the bathroom still wearing your pajamas.
  146. >Following him, you phase through the doorway only to see your body wandering around the bathroom aimlessly.
  147. 'What the hell is he doing?'
  148. >A voice from behind you makes you jump slightly.
  149. >'If one were to guess, we would venture that your subconsciousness is mistaking the current dream you're having for reality, or perhaps vice versa.'
  150. >Still standing in your pajamas, you cringe as your body pulls out his dick and start pissing in the bathtub.
  151. >The mare grins cheekily at you.
  152. >'How is one to tell after all?'
  153. >You audibly growl from a mixture of embarrassment and frustration.
  154. >Letting out a sigh of relief, your body then goes the sink and turns on the tap water before pulling out the toothbrush.
  155. >You can only groan in frustration as he dips the toothbrush along with his whole hand under the running faucet before immediately trying to shave his face with it.
  156. 'Fucking... no stupid the other one.'
  157. >"Should thou really be wishing for that?"
  158. >You glance at her, confused at what she means.
  159. >With realization, the answer comes to you immediately.
  160. >Fumbling around, your body finally manages to pick up the razor, but your sense of accomplishment is immediately followed by panic.
  161. >After dousing it with water, you watch as he opens his mouth with another yawn and gets ready to stick the blade inside.
  162. >All you can do is freak out helplessly and cover your ghost mouth in terror.
  163. >Just before it reaches however, the wet grip he had on it causes it to slip from his fingers and plop in the sink.
  164. >Despite that, your body still does the jerking motion like you had a fucking invisible dick in your mouth.
  165. >Luna lets out a gentle giggle beside you, causing your ghostly self to flush with embarrassment.
  166. 'Shut the fuck up, you didn't know that was going to happen.'
  167. >She looks back at you with a calm sense of superiority.
  168. >'Perhaps, but thou would do well to remember that this is all thine fault to begin with, we are merely along for the excursion.'
  169. >Grumbling, you turn away from her and pout.
  170. >At this point you were just thankful you weren't gonna require razor blade stitches anytime soon.
  171. >After your subconscious was seemingly "satisfied", he leaves the bathroom, not bothering to clean up any of the mess he had made.
  172. >The two of you spent the next few hours just following yourself around as you sleepwalked around your house aimlessly, Luna casually chastising you whenever she felt like it.
  173. >Thankfully, there wasn't anymore close scares like earlier, it seemed like he was capable of basic motor skills at the very least.
  174. >The morning sunlight was finally starting to shine through your windows, if the rest of the day went like this, you just might be okay.
  175. >As if to spite you, you hear a knock at your front door.
  176. >For once, Luna actually seems a bit surprised.
  177. >"Hmmm who could that be at this hour? We didn't imagine thou to be the type to garner many visitors, especially at this time of day."
  178. >Ignoring her, you watch as your body twists its neck towards the sound in an extremely painful looking manner before slowly wobbling towards the door.
  179. >Unable to stop him, you follow along, thankful that someone might be able to help.
  180. 'But who the hell would be here at the crack of dawn?'
  181. >It takes a moment, but it dawns on you.
  182. 'No... no anyone but her!'
  183. >Luna gives you a confused look as you exclaim your terror.
  184. >Reaching the door, your zombie self fumbles around with the door handle for a good solid minute before finally managing to open it.
  185. >There in front of you is Fluttershy, bright and early like always.
  186. >Luna looks at you once more.
  187. >'Kindness, of all the deep terrors this world has to offer; she is the one you fear so deeply?'
  188. >Closing your eyes, you shake your head in dismay.
  189. 'You wouldn't understand, none of you would.'
  190. >But at this point you had no choice, swallowing your pride, you try begging the yellow devil for help.
  191. 'Fluttershy, you gotta help me, go find Twilight and--'
  192. >Before you can finish, Luna puts a hoof in front of you.
  193. >'Thine actions will do no good Anonymous, only ponies versed in arcane magics would have any chance of distinguishing thou from your corporeal form.'
  194. >True enough, Fluttershy doesn't even take notice of either of you as she fumbles her attempt at making conversation.
  195. >"H-Hello Anon, I mean good morning, I mean... I was wondering if-"
  196. >To both of your surprise, before she can even finish her sentence your body lurches down and picks her up, immediately bringing her into a bear hug.
  197. Shhhoft teddy~
  198. >You hear Luna stifle another laugh beside you.
  199. >'Oh Anonymous, thou should show thine softer side more often, we are sure it would be quite the "hit" as it were.'
  200. >Unable to do anything, you throw your hands up in defeat.
  201. 'Yeah yeah, laugh it up you four legged blueberry.'
  202. >Still as smug as ever, she brushes off your insult like it was nothing.
  203. >'We do not see what the problem is, surely thou must relax once in a moon, at least Kindness seems to be rather enjoying herself.'
  204. >Gesturing to the yellow pegasus, you see a look of shock and pure elation is written all over her face.
  205. >Unable to process what is happening, Fluttershy simply begins to laugh and hug back.
  206. >"Ha... hahaha! It's happening, it's finally happening!"
  207. >She doesn't seem to notice his eyes have been closed this whole time, or if she does she doesn't care.
  208. >You try to force them apart, but accomplish nothing.
  209. >With nothing left in your repertoire, you pointlessly float circles around the two of them while firing off mean gestures.
  210. >Unfortunately, Luna is the only one currently able to appreciate them.
  211. >All you can do is watch as your body squeezes the mare affectionately.
  212. 'This is some straight up bulllllshit.'
  213. >But before long you start to notice Fluttershy's blush turning into an uncomfortable shade of red in her face.
  214. >"Um, Anon honey? C-Could you let go just a teensy bit? Pretty please?"
  215. >Despite her pleas, your body instead doubles its efforts, squeezing the ever living hell out the mare.
  216. Fwuffyyyy~
  217. >As your death grip begins to grow tighter, her pleasure soon turns into terror.
  218. >She tries to wiggle her way out from his grasp, but that only makes him do it even worse.
  219. >"Hrrrk!"
  220. >Starting to go blue in the face, she begins tapping your shoulder, seemingly losing her ability to speak.
  221. >It isn't long before she finally blacks out, going limp like a wet noodle.
  222. >You notice your body's brow suddenly furrow in disappointment.
  223. Awww...
  224. >No longer rigid, your body soon loses interest in the helpless pegasus and plops her down on the floor without any tact or care, much like one would treat a used sock.
  225. >With another loud yawn, your body looks out towards the town.
  226. >You and your princess escort both look down at the now unconscious mare.
  227. >Her leg twitches a little, the only sign she shows of life.
  228. >'Anonymous, we hope thou knows killing an Element of Harmony is a crime punishable by death.'
  229. >You roll your eyes and blow a raspberry.
  230. 'Yeah well so should being a waste of time and space, but you don't see -me- pressing charges.'
  231. >Flailing your arms around in an exaggerated manner, you go out of your way to make sure she knew that jab was directed at her royal highness specifically.
  232. >All she does is huff indignantly and turn away from you.
  233. >Satisfied, it's only now that you realize your body has escaped the confines of your home.
  234. >Turning your attention back to him, you watch as he sways back and forth, leering at the direction that leads to the town.
  235. 'No, no no no, you get back in that house this fucking instant!'
  236. >As if responding to your complaints, he begins slowly but surely shambling towards Ponyville.
  237. 'Fuck you... me? Fuck everything!'
  238. >Chanting your curses, you try to stand in his way and force your body to turn around, but your ethereal form is worthless and accomplishes nothing.
  239. >Luna simply drifts past the both of you.
  240. >'Thou truly does not learn from anything, does thou?'
  241. >Turning around and looking over your shoulder, you watch as Luna floats alongside your body as he listlessly continues onwards unopposed.
  242. >It's going to be a long fucking day.
  243.  
  244. >Through sheer luck, your body had made a straight beeline through town without bothering anyone.
  245. >On the downside, your loose pajama bottoms he had failed to change out of were currently experiencing gravity's unrelenting strangle hold and slowly but surely slipping down his waste line.
  246. >You drag a hand down your ghostly face in desperation.
  247. 'Dude what are you doing? Fix that shit already!'
  248. >No matter how much you protest, your lumbering self makes no effort to hide his ass crack from the public eye.
  249. >Every mare you pass by turns their head and gets a good look at you.
  250. >When they turn away and giggle, all you can do is whine like a little school girl.
  251. 'Nooooo! Don't stare at me damn it!'
  252. >Luna was already past the point of telling you the obvious, so she just kept floating along.
  253. >'Let it go Anonymous, just think of it as taking a pet out for a walk.'
  254. 'Ya right, I'm sure you'd love it if your body was the one being paraded around for all to ogle.'
  255. >'Oh hush, the common folk do not heed such things.'
  256. >Stopping in your tracks, you take a moment to look around.
  257. >She was actually right, despite the giggling here and there, none of them seem to mind the overall "view".
  258. >Some ponies even go out of their way to say good morning to you, but your body simply replies with a disinterested sleepwalker's yawn every time.
  259. >As your body repeats this cycle with each pony he passes by, you notice a couple mares next to yourself whispering to each other as your body gets out of "hearing" distance.
  260. >It's then that you tentatively realize you can take advantage of your ethereal form for once and decide to eavesdrop on the two of them.
  261. >"Did you see Anon just now? He's showing off so much more skin than usual, I thought he hated doing that."
  262. >The mare's companion simply shrugs with mild disinterest.
  263. >"Who knows, and besides why question a good thing? Maybe it's just a human thing, don't think too much about it."
  264. >"It's kinda sexy though don't you think?"
  265. >Her friend pauses drinking her morning coffee mid sip, looking over at her with a look of puzzlement on her face.
  266. >"Sexy? Anon? I don't see it."
  267. >The more affectionate mare tilts her head from side to side in a cheery manner, her morning obviously having been brightened by the encounter.
  268. >"The way he just ignored us like that, as he struts around through town without a care in the world, I don't know why but I think it's kinda hot~"
  269. >Choking a bit on her coffee, the mare's companion blows a raspberry and smirks childishly.
  270. >"Puh-lease, you think everything stallions do is hawt."
  271. >The mare slaps her chiding friend on the shoulder in an attempt to hide her embarrassment.
  272. >"Shut up, no I don't~!"
  273. >The two mares start giggling to each other as they walk away to do whatever business they came here to do in the first place.
  274. >You stare in disbelief as they go.
  275. >Honestly, at this point you weren't sure what you should take away from this whole situation.
  276. >Probably your dignity, yeah that sounds about right.
  277. >Deciding not to dwell on it, you turn back around so you can continue haunting "yourself".
  278. >However when you do, your expression goes blank.
  279. >Gone.
  280. >Your body is gone and Luna along with it.
  281. >You blink a couple times, in the misguided hope that you were going blind.
  282. >When you don't reappear, your face twitches as panic mode engages.
  283. 'aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'
  284. >Luckily for the townsfolk, no one could hear you, or else everyone would run in fear as the specter that is currently -you- screams in terror as you speed your incorporeal self throughout the town.
  285. 'Where is "he", where am "I"!?'
  286. >You proceed to shout this mantra over and over as you look down every street you can think of.
  287. >This must be how a Pac-Man ghost feels whenever he gets the power pellet.
  288. >You continue running in circles, but to no avail.
  289. >How the fuck did they cover so much ground in such a short time?
  290. >After a good twenty minutes of searching with no luck, panic starts shifting into full blown mental breakdown.
  291. >Curling up into the fetal position, you float just above the buildings in mid air as your mind attempts to shut down.
  292. 'What do I do? I took my eyes off of him for a second and now he's gone!'
  293. >Your mind begins to wander into further despair.
  294. 'What if he got kidnapped, what if I never find him? What if I'm stuck like this forever?'
  295. >As that sudden realization dawns on you, only silence follows.
  296. >...
  297. >*Thump*
  298. >In that moment of quiet, you finally notice something.
  299. >*Thump*
  300. >Bringing yourself right side up again, you listen for the distant sound carefully.
  301. >*Thump*
  302. >It's the sound of something loudly hitting wood, kind of like someone knocking on a door, but it's too slow and clunky to be that.
  303. >Drifting back down to ground level, you follow the sound until you find yourself heading towards Rarity's boutique.
  304. >And when you finally get there, you also find "yourself" as well.
  305. >A desperate sigh of relief wafts over you as you watch your body stand in Rarity's doorway, Luna still accompanying him like some kind of ghostly prom date.
  306. >Floating over to her, she notices you staring daggers at her.
  307. >'Is something amiss Anonymous? Thou seems rather distraught.'
  308. >Distraught is a god damn understatement.
  309. 'What the hell Luna? Why did you just leave me behind? I've been searching the whole damn town for you two!'
  310. >All the mare does is offer you a disinterested shrug.
  311. >'Thou seemed quite intent on eavesdropping on what those supple young mares had to say, we did not wish to interrupt.'
  312. >You barely notice a faint grin on her lips.
  313. >Conversely, your lips purse in barely controlled rage, but eventually you decide to let it go.
  314. >If you let her see she's getting to you, she's already won.
  315. >Instead you try to focus on what your body is currently doing.
  316. >Every few moments your body lists backwards, then tries to walk forward only for his head to clunk uselessly against the door impeding its path.
  317. >That can't be good for your brain juices.
  318. >This doesn't continue for long however.
  319. >Just as you float back over to your escort, the door opens up.
  320. >Rarity is there, her hair and face done up in an odd fashion, probably the prep work she does every morning to look presentable.
  321. >For some reason your body greets her with a weak wristed salute.
  322. >You look at yourself and see your pants are now at thigh height, giving her full view of your underwear.
  323. >She yawns in an undignified fashion that's unlike her as she attempts to rub the sleep out from her eyes.
  324. >If she noticed anything different about you in her sleep addled state, she didn't care enough to show it.
  325. >"Anonymous? Good heavens dear, what are you doing here at this hour? Why morning has barely even--"
  326. >Taking no heed of her words, your body continues to do what it was doing up till now.
  327. >With the door no longer in the way, your body lurches forward and begins to invite itself in to the mare's humble abode.
  328. >This catches her by surprise and startles her slightly, she only just manages to step out of your way before you collide into her and give her a face full of dong.
  329. >Having been thoroughly woken up now, she closes the door behind you in a slightly disgruntled manner.
  330. >"I'm sorry dear, but is there some important business you have that -simply- couldn't wait until a more reasonable hour?"
  331. >Of course, your body doesn't reply to her and simply continues to walk toward her living room.
  332. >Right as it reaches the entrance way, your body comes to a full halt.
  333. >With a large yawn, he stretches his arms above his head as far as possible.
  334. >In the process of doing so, your pajama top shifts upward and becomes disheveled.
  335. >One of his arms gets caught in one of the sleeves and the rest of the top gets stuck covering half his face.
  336. >Caught in this uncomfortable position, your body attempts to escape like he's trapped in some child's attempt at a straight jacket, all the while grumbling as he struggles in discomfort.
  337. >During all this, Rarity is looking less than pleased.
  338. >Your ghostly companion decides to chime in once more.
  339. >'Tell us, does thou think he shall hurt himself? How much would thou like to wager he trips and falls?'
  340. >You seriously want to smack talk her, but in the face of all this adversity all you can do is stare at your body as he struggles like a toddler and shake your head in disappointment.
  341. 'Seriously dude?'
  342. >Eventually he manages enough coherence to pull the whole thing off and toss it on the ground like a gross slob.
  343. >You turn around to see Rarity with pursed lips and sporting an expression of mild annoyance while she grumbles something you probably don't want to hear beneath her breath.
  344. >When you turn back around, your body is attempting to make his way to Rarity's couch, but as it does so, one of his feet steps on and catches a loose pant leg beneath it.
  345. >Paying it no mind, he continues walking forward, with each step your pajama bottoms falling off more and more.
  346. >By the time he's taken three steps, your pajama bottoms are wrapped around his ankles.
  347. 'Come on man!'
  348. >You try to cover your eyes, but you can see through your hands.
  349. >When you look back over at Rarity, you see she's now wide eyed and sporting a slight blush to compliment her look of irritation.
  350. 'Oh don't you start giving me that look as well. I already get enough of that shit from your friends!'
  351. >A lithe chuckle comes from behind you.
  352. >'Well at least thou knows of an opportunity in adult entertainment if thou is ever in a pinch.'
  353. >Even though you say nothing, she continues to chuckle with mirth from her own jab at your dignity.
  354. >This is hell.
  355. >You've died and gone to hell.
  356. >Like some elaborate ballet of bullshit, your body trips over the pants now wrapped around his ankles, landing face first onto the couch.
  357. >During the process as he falls, he manages to fling the pajama bottoms off, somehow managing to place them squarely on Rarity's horn, hooking on them like a sad game of Horseshoe.
  358. >You watch the mare's supple coat of white turns into a shade of furious red as she grinds her pearly whites together like sandstone.
  359. >Floating around the scene in helpless despair, even your attempts to facepalm yourself to curb the sting of embarrassment amount to nothing as your hand goes through your face instead.
  360. >As she begins walking towards you, you notice she's stomping down each one of her delicate hooves with every step along the way, livid rage plastered across her face.
  361. >Ah, so this is how you die.
  362. >You always thought it would be from losing a high stakes game of strip Russian Roulette.
  363. >Well, one can only dream for so long.
  364. >Drifting over to the mare, you try to get in her line of sight in a weak attempt to stop her.
  365. >You know by now it's pointless, but you still try.
  366. >Unable to do anything more, you watch as Rarity pushes right through your ethereal self as steam seemingly pours out from her ears.
  367. >Right as she's literally inside of you, you sigh and whisper.
  368. 'Rarity I am so sorry.'
  369. >Like all the others, these words go unheard as well of course.
  370. >Stomping straight over to your zombie of a body, she looks like she's about to wring your god damn neck and pop your head off like a cheap lego man.
  371. >However, just when she looks like she's about to pop her top, something seems to stop her.
  372. >Both you and Luna look at her in surprise.
  373. >After a moment, the less than pleased mare takes a deep breath and seems to choke something down.
  374. >Instead, in its place is a charming fake smile that she must have practiced over the numerous years of running her business.
  375. >Removing your pants from her face and picking up your shirt off the floor, the mare straightens and folds your clothes with her magic.
  376. >"A new set of clothes then? Fine, I had been thinking you were past due for a change for the fall season anyway."
  377. >Still stunned at this sudden turn of events, you drift alongside her, curiously following her as she carries your clothes and makes her way to the hallway.
  378. >"But I'm afraid you're going to have to make yourself comfortable dear, it's going to take a while to get started and I haven't even had time to make myself look presentable today."
  379. >She touches her mane lightly, making sure the rollers that give it its curve haven't been misplaced.
  380. >"I know you're not much for fashion, but do you at least have any design requests by chance?"
  381. >Your body continues to rub his face against the couch cushions, even drooling on them a little bit.
  382. Shhhoft~
  383. >The mare rolls her eyes at your "reply".
  384. >"Yes yes I'll make them as cozy as can be, just remember that I -will- be expecting compensation this time. No more freebies, not after -last- time."
  385. >Thinking back on it, you vaguely recall the incident where Fluttershy stole your only set of clothes.
  386. >You ended up sneaking into Rarity's home in the middle of the night to try and ask her for help.
  387. >She thought you were a burglar and cold-cocked you with a frying pan.
  388. >Good times.
  389. >Just before she leaves, she looks at "you" with a stern expression.
  390. >"Even the element of generosity needs to make a living darling, understood?"
  391. >The only answer your body gives is a single lethargic wave, probably attempting to bat at something in his dream.
  392. >She takes this as her cue to leave and turns around in a huff.
  393. >Being so close to her, you manage to catch her parting words she mutters under her breath.
  394. >"I swear, the nerve, if he wasn't so handsome I'd..."
  395. >Not wanting to catch wind of anything more, you sigh and drift back over to Luna.
  396. 'What the hell just happened?'
  397. >Luna looks at you in an odd fashion, as if questioning what you were referring to.
  398. 'You saw that, she heard what I said!'
  399. >'Doubtful, perhaps as a unicorn her weak magic allowed her to somewhat perceive your feelings of remorse, but even that is grasping at straws.'
  400. >She gives you another cheeky smile.
  401. >'It is far more likely that she is simply smitten and plans to let thou off with a mere slap on the rump later this evening.'
  402. >You immediately brush off her joke before she can change the subject.
  403. 'Be serious damn it, maybe I can communicate with her, tell her to take us to Twilight.'
  404. >The princess offers you a mockingly weak shrug.
  405. >'Unlikely to say the least, but thou is welcome to waste thine time trying like thou seems compelled to do.'
  406. >You groan in frustration.
  407. >It's like pulling teeth with this mare, you'd think she'd be more concerned with fixing your current predicament.
  408. 'FINE, I GUESS I WILL THEN!'
  409. >Floating up towards the ceiling, you start phasing through the floor into Rarity's workshop on the next floor.
  410. >'Do enjoy yourself, we will make sure your body is kept company while you amuse yourself with thine futile endeavor.'
  411. >Just before your head goes through the ceiling, you look down to see Luna slowly waving goodbye as she rests on your body like some kind of overgrown house cat.
  412. >Yeah, thanks for nothing.
  413. >Popping up into Rarity's workplace, you see she already fixed up her appearance and is working on what you assume to be your "order".
  414. >Despite what she said earlier, she's working on it quite meticulously.
  415. >Gotta hand it to her, mare is good at what she does.
  416. >But that's not why you're here, peeping on Rarity's work ethic can wait for another day.
  417. >Floating over to Rarity, you start trying anything you can think of to get her attention.
  418. >Cat calling.
  419. >Poking her.
  420. >Saying sweet nothings to her.
  421. >Making spooky ghost noises.
  422. >Picking her nose.
  423. >You try everything, but as far as she's concerned you might as well not even exist.
  424. >Floating through her work table, you lethargically stare Rarity in the face.
  425. 'Maybe Luna was right, she's always fucking right.'
  426. >Of course, your would-be listener makes no effort to hold a conversation.
  427. >All she does is continue to sew.
  428. >Resting your disembodied head on the table, you keep staring at her face as she continues to work in silence.
  429. >With no more ideas, you let out a sigh and grumble.
  430. '...That shade of eye shadow makes you look decrepit and old you know.'
  431. >As soon as the words leave your lips, the mare's head shoots up in surprise, startling the ever living shit out of you in the process.
  432. >As you fumble backwards, the mare glances over her shoulder, looking behind her as if expecting someone to be there.
  433. >When she sees nothing but her empty space, she turns back around and looks into her mirror.
  434. >She brings a hoof to her cheek bone, stretching the skin beneath her eyelids.
  435. >"What in blazes..."
  436. >Not caring to let her finish her sentence, you shout in triumph.
  437. 'Woooooo! I fucking knew it!'
  438. >You hold out both your middle fingers and point them towards the floor vindictively.
  439. 'Eat shit Luna!'
  440. >You're not sure if the princess even heard you, but right now you couldn't care less.
  441. >Turning back to Rarity, you try to get her attention.
  442. 'Rarity you gotta help, it's an emergency, yes I fucked up but long story short; forget the clothes and go find Twilight.'
  443. >The white mare puts her head in her hooves and sighs.
  444. >At first you think she's answering you, but it soon becomes clear that's not the case.
  445. >"Blast it all Rarity, you are far too old to be letting your own vanity get to you, work must be taking a greater toll than I imagined."
  446. >It felt like your hopes just sucker punched you in the gut.
  447. >"But I wouldn't want to leave a job unfinished..."
  448. >She drops one hoof in the other and nods firmly.
  449. >"Alright it's settled, once I'm done with this I'm going to clear my schedule and book a "me" day."
  450. >You groan in frustration and put on your game face.
  451. >You're not giving up that easily.
  452. >...
  453. >It took Rarity several more hours to finish your clothes, but other than that one fluke, she made no hints of noticing your presence at all.
  454. >At this point you were floating around the room lifelessly like a corpse drifting in a river.
  455. >"There!"
  456. >The sudden sound in an otherwise silent room catches you off guard, causing you to fumble around as you try to get right side up again.
  457. >"All finished, deary me that took a dreadfully long time, but I must say it was quite worth it."
  458. >Lifting up the set of clothes with her magic, she scrutinizes it carefully.
  459. >"I just hope that lummox appreciates all my hard work... although."
  460. >Staring at it a bit more closely, a light twinkle shines from her eyes.
  461. >"It feels like it's missing something. Aha, of course! I know just what this needs for the final pièce de résistance."
  462. >Standing up, the titular tailoress wanders over to one of her numerous shelves and steps up a small ladder.
  463. >As she reaches the top, she drags a specific box over to her and sticks her head inside.
  464. >"Now I know I had some of it left around here somewhere..."
  465. >This is gonna take a while.
  466. >With your arms crossed, you sigh and decide to see how your caretaker is doing.
  467. >Floating down, you stick just your head through the floor.
  468. 'Hey Luna is everything--'
  469. >As soon as you get a chance to open your eyes, you see the room is empty.
  470. 'Oh come the fuck on. One job Luna, you had one j--'
  471. >At that moment the workshop door bursts open, your body standing in its wake, his head leaned back as he openly snores; wide jawed like some kind of gross mouth breather.
  472. >The sudden slam startles Rarity, causing her to flail around in a panic as she grabs hold of the nearest shelf before gravity decides she needs an intimate date with the floor.
  473. >"Heavens Anonymous, you frightened me nearly half to death!"
  474. >Somehow he had managed to kick the door open without damaging it, luckily for her; Rarity must have forgot to close it all the way.
  475. >"No matter, I was just about finished your order anyway, just give me five more minutes and you can be on your way."
  476. >Having calmed back down, she sticks her head back in the box.
  477. >As your body starts wandering over to Rarity, Luna floats over to you.
  478. >'So did thine undertaking yield any results?'
  479. >You frown at her as she smiles smugly.
  480. 'Shut the -fuck- up Luna.'
  481. >'Such vulgar language, thou really are an inhospitable one.'
  482. >Despite her complaints, she doesn't actually seem to mind all that much, her words almost teasing you with their subtle lace of warmth.
  483. >They still tick you off though, so you raise your hands and yell at the ghost mare anyway.
  484. 'I'm the inhospitable one? At least I'm trying to get us out of this mess!'
  485. >She smiles at you, calm and smug as ever.
  486. >'Perhaps if one were to stop and smell the metaphorical roses once in a moon, thou wouldn't panic like a small foal at the slightest upset.'
  487. >You roll your eyes in an insulting way.
  488. 'Oh right, and I'm sure you're just having the time of your life.'
  489. >You raise your hands up and shake them around in an exaggerated fashion to emphasize your point.
  490. >Pausing a moment to think, she gives you a firm nod.
  491. >'In fact, we do believe we are. It has been quite some time since we've partook in such a day of leisure.'
  492. >You're about to say something when she cuts you off.
  493. >'We do not know how you truly feel on the matter, but we've come to rather enjoy this time spent together, perhaps it could even be described as pleasant.'
  494. >She closes her eyes and offers you a gentle genuine smile you did not expect to see ever come from her in this lifetime.
  495. >This sudden change of tone comes from out of left field and takes away all the wind from your sails.
  496. >As you recollect your thoughts, you're about to refute her when a noise catches your attention.
  497. Hnnngh...
  498. >For some reason your body is groaning and holding his stomach.
  499. >A barely audible growl comes from his gut, confirming your suspicions.
  500. >Rarity seems to notice this as well as she inquires into the problem, though still keeping her head deep in her box.
  501. >"Is something the matter Anon? I'll be done in just a moment."
  502. >Still groaning, your body steps right up to the mare and starts sniffing the air.
  503. >Wait a minute, he wouldn't--
  504. >Drool starts rolling down his chin.
  505. Maaarshmallow~
  506. 'Don't you FUCKING DARE!'
  507. >Paying your words no mind, Rarity continues digging through her box of various seamstress goodies.
  508. >"Terribly sorry Anon, but I don't usually keep any sweets in my workspaAHHHAAAA!?"
  509. >Wrenching her neck out of the box so fast that a few random items spill onto the floor, she cranes her head around to see you nose deep in her muff.
  510. >"ANONYMOUS! When I asked for compensation this is -NOT- what I had in muuuhiiiiind~!"
  511. >One of her legs involuntarily kicks out from beneath her as your zombie-self grabs hold of her rump and starts lapping at her insides.
  512. >She desperately holds onto the shelf to make sure she doesn't fall.
  513. >"S-S-Stop this instant you... you ruffian!"
  514. >All of her protests fall on deaf ears.
  515. >Not like it truly matters, she seems to be enjoying this turn of events much more than she lets on.
  516. >You groan in defeat as you watch the madness unfold.
  517. >Looking over at Luna, you find her eyes are seemingly glued to the scene.
  518. >When you force her to make eye contact with your scowling face she suddenly comes back to her senses and makes a half-assed attempt to pretend to be looking away.
  519. >Squinting your eyes, you glare at her.
  520. 'You're enjoying this aren't you?'
  521. >With seemingly great effort she manages to pry her attention away from the spectacle, despite Rarity's girlish screams demanding more.
  522. >'Come now Anonymous, intimate relations are a perfectly natural; healthy thing.'
  523. 'How 'bout next time we take your body for a joy ride instead?'
  524. >The princess smiles mischievously.
  525. >"Thou would enjoy that immensely we presume? For one so adamantly opposed to the idea, thou sure does entertain the thought quite often."
  526. >You growl at her.
  527. 'Go fuck yourself.'
  528. >Despite her earlier snarkiness, the blueberry princess answers you in an oddly melancholy tone.
  529. >'Trust us, such activities get dull after the first century or so.'
  530. >She looks down and lets out an uncharacteristic sigh.
  531. >Tight lipped, you're not sure how to reply to that.
  532. 'I'll... take your word for it.'
  533. >Now you had two uncomfortable scenes to be apart of.
  534. >Honestly, you're not sure which awkward situation you'd rather be forced to endure at this point.
  535. >Fortunately, divine intervention alleviates the need to pick the lesser of two evils.
  536. >"Yes, yes, I'm almost--"
  537. >"Rarity what are you doing?"
  538. >The unexpected foreign entity immediately brings Rarity out of her own world of bliss.
  539. >"SWEETIE BELLE!?"
  540. >As she accidentally shouts out her sister's name, the lapse in concentration causes her to finally slip off the ladder, the box she attempts to hold onto tipping over and dumping her supplies on her head.
  541. >"Sis are you okay? What's going on?"
  542. >Tossing the box off her head, she stands up in a hurry, taking no notice of the bits of string and thread caught in her mane.
  543. >"Um, nothing dear, I was just sending Anonymous on his way; isn't that right Anonymous."
  544. >As they both look over at you, they see your body has now got his head stuck between the ladder.
  545. >"Well then that's all the time we have for today, busy-busy-busy you know how it is."
  546. >Saying that last bit in a slightly more rushed serious tone, she uses her magic to free you and forcibly dress you in your new clothes.
  547. >Spinning you around, she weakly maintains a fake smile for her sister as she turns around and starts shoving your lanky body past the filly; out into the hall.
  548. >All the while, your body is moaning in disappointment from having his "treat" taken away from him.
  549. >Your shirt is also on backwards, but Rarity doesn't seem too concerned with it as she pushes you straight through the hallway and out the front door.
  550. >"Ta ta dear, oh and don't expect to get off that easy, we'll discuss further payment in the ~near~ future."
  551. >As you and your companion float outside, you can just barely spot a confused Sweetie Belle looking over Rarity's shoulder from the doorway trying to figure out what's going on.
  552. >With a dainty wave goodbye, Rarity slams the door before "you" can even reply.
  553. >Your body is left standing on her doorstep, staring absentmindedly at the town with a thick layer of mare juices dripping down his chin.
  554. >'Well that was quite an exhilarating turn of events, would thou not agree?'
  555. >You scowl at the princess so hard you're almost afraid you're going to break your own face.
  556. 'No, I wouldn't.'
  557. >The both of you are interrupted by painful sounding groan.
  558. >Your body is clutching his stomach and moaning like a child, obviously not having been actually satiated from that event whatsoever.
  559. >'This could pose to be an actual problem. Tell us, how long can a human normally survive without receiving any sustenance?'
  560. 'Not fucking long, I can tell you that much.'
  561. >The two of you look at each other with worry.
  562. >Before you can think of any solutions, you hear your body sniffing the air again, only for him to start wandering back to the center of town.
  563. >Odd, where is he going this time?
  564. >A thought comes to mind.
  565. 'Hey Luna, about what time would you say it is right now?'
  566. >She takes a second to think before she turns her head up and stares directly at the sun.
  567. >You wince and close your eyes as you attempt to do the same.
  568. 'Gah damn it.'
  569. >'Judging from the sun's current position, we would say it is just past noon, so long as dear sister is not slacking off as she is wont to do.'
  570. >Rubbing your corneas in pain, you still try to sound smart as you tell her your epiphany.
  571. 'Of course, the lunchtime rush should be just wrapping up right about now.'
  572. >Luna gives you a confused look as you blink until your vision returns.
  573. 'Everyday I go to Sugarcube Corner after the lunch rush and order all the cinnamon buns they can't sell.'
  574. >'All? Thou means to say you eat pastries no matter how much they have to offer?'
  575. 'Usually throughout the day yes, they need the support.'
  576. >She cringes and has to cover her mouth at the thought of you stuffing your face with stale sugar for an entire evening.
  577. >'Thou reminds us of our sister at times.'
  578. 'Don't judge me woman.'
  579.  
  580. >"The usual then?"
  581. >Pinkie's voice is as chipper as ever.
  582. >Somehow your body had made it all the way to Sugarcube Corner just from scent alone.
  583. >Shit must be burned into your brain by now or something.
  584. >In no time at all, the pink pony has brought up a bag that might as well be the size of a backpack from below the counter.
  585. >"Heeeeeere ya go! Covered in my special sauce just the way you like 'em!"
  586. >To her bewilderment, your body groans in dissatisfaction, most likely from the stomach pains.
  587. >"Wha? You don't want them, but they're your favorite!"
  588. So hungyyy~
  589. >She scratches her head in confusion, that can't be sanitary.
  590. >With a shrug, she tosses the massive bag over her shoulder behind her and perks up again.
  591. >"Well what do you wanna eat then silly, we still got plenty of the regulars if you'd like; except for the super chocolate mega poppers, those sold in a snap!"
  592. >With one hand getting slobbered on as it hangs loosely from his mouth, your body lazily lifts his other hand and points.
  593. >Straight past all the tarts.
  594. >Straight past all the cakes.
  595. >Even past that mystery item that no one ever dares even contemplate purchasing.
  596. >Directly at the pie.
  597. >Pinkie Pie to be exact.
  598. >In fact, your hand is so close she goes cross eyed as she stares at the tip of your finger.
  599. >A moment later she blushes and lets out a giggle before waving you away dismissively.
  600. >"Oh come on Nonny, you can't eat me, I'm too sweet for your diet!"
  601. >Expecting you to laugh along with her joke, your body keeps silently pointing at her until an uncomfortably awkward amount of time has passed.
  602. >Her giggling begins to slow down just as much as her blush increases.
  603. >Eventually she becomes completely quiet, her shoulders rubbing back and forth as she fidgets nervously.
  604. >"C-Come on Nonny, you know I take jokes super seriously."
  605. >Your body unflinchingly continues pointing at her, letting out an almost inaudible snore as Pinkie distractedly fiddles with her hair without looking directly at you.
  606. >"It's just that, you've always said you'd never ever EVER even consider being with a pony; so suddenly changing out of nowhere would be a real super duper shocker don'tcha think?"
  607. >She awkwardly takes a glance up to gauge your reaction, but despite no longer drooling on your free hand, you're still silently pointing at her like a statue.
  608. >For some reason your head weakly bobs forward and then pulls back up, if you didn't know better you'd almost think it was a nod.
  609. >"Right? I mean nopony would be surprised if you were to just suddenly be all like "Haha just kidding Pinkie!"
  610. >She lets out an uncomfortably nervous laugh.
  611. >"It's not a good joke if no one is surprised right?"
  612. >She looks around.
  613. >No one is laughing with her.
  614. >Her eyes go a little wider before she looks away again, she's starting to sweat even though she's the one doing the interrogation.
  615. >"I-It's not nice to tease you know, come on Nonny every joke needs a punchline, you forgot to say "Gotcha!" ehehe..."
  616. >Her voice trails off into an even weaker chuckle.
  617. >No matter what she says, your finger doesn't move an inch.
  618. >No wait, it actually is moving slightly, you can tell because it just booped her in the nose.
  619. >You can't help but think about how stupid you'd look right now if she had just stepped to the side so you ended up pointing at the lamp behind her.
  620. >Looking back at Pinkie, you notice she's now visibly shaking, as if trying to hold something in.
  621. >It isn't long before you get your answer.
  622. >"Nnnnnnghhhh I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
  623. >Turning around, she shouts towards the kitchen.
  624. >"MRS.CAKE!"
  625. >The blue co-owner of the establishment pokes her head out from the doorway, bits of some kind of mystery batter speckled on her face.
  626. >"Yes Pinkie?"
  627. >Before she can even reply, Pinkie rushes by her as she drags your body along with her towards the staircase.
  628. >"Heavens Pinkie, what on earth has gotten into you?"
  629. >Already halfway up the stairs, Pinkie leans her head back and yells up at the ceiling without even looking back at Mrs.Cake.
  630. >"Friendshipemergencypleasecoverformekaythanksbye!"
  631. >And just like that both Pinkie and your body are gone as you and Luna are left alone; floating in the dining area.
  632. >'Well, is thou not going to throw another one of thine conniptions?'
  633. >Luna looks over at you expectantly.
  634. 'Honestly, I think I'm about done for the day.'
  635. >For the first time today, your ghost pal frowns.
  636. >'Well that's hardly any fun at all.'
  637. 'Crazy right?'
  638. >The ghost of blueberry's past lets out a dejected sigh.
  639. >'In that case we shall take a look around in the meantime, perhaps we shall find something noteworthy.'
  640. >This comes as an actual surprise to you.
  641. 'What, not gonna watch the show this time?'
  642. >As she's leaving she looks over her shoulder at you, a smile drawn on her lips.
  643. >'Anonymous, -you- are the show.'
  644. >And with a giggle she floats outside the building, leaving you more confused than ever.
  645. '...The hell did she mean by that?'
  646. >You were starting to think the princess had an eye for you.
  647. >As if you didn't have enough problems already.
  648.  
  649. >Floating up the stairs, you start phasing through rooms looking for Pinkie's.
  650. >Baby room.
  651. >Supply closet.
  652. >Hidden compartment that leads to what looks like a full on S&M dungeon.
  653. >The cakes are into some crazy shit yo.
  654. >Note to self, never EVER buy the mystery item.
  655. >Finally you find Pinkie's room, along with her and "yourself".
  656. >She's wearing a party hat along with a tacky looking party blower in her mouth.
  657. >Your body's face is already going to town on her underground.
  658. >"Does-haa-Does that taste good Nonny? It's my special sauce, just the way you like it."
  659. >It takes a moment for you to connect the dots, followed immediately by the urge to hurl up your non-existent lunch.
  660. >Your zombie-self moans out a muffled reply.
  661. >"Ahhh d-d-don't talk, I can't take it!"
  662. >A gush of fluids splatters on his face and he licks it up like he's gulping down water at a god damn oasis.
  663. 'You know, at this point I'm not even surprised anymore.'
  664. >Letting out a depressed yawn, you stretch and wait for things to run its course.
  665. >Oddly enough, someone you weren't expecting comes first.
  666. 'Well look who decided to show up, changed your mind after all?'
  667. >Phasing through the wall, Luna grins at you mischievously.
  668. >'No, but we believe thou will be pleased with who we've retrieved instead.'
  669. >Before you can ask who she's referring to, a familiar voice shouts from across the room.
  670. >"ANONYMOUS! There you are!"
  671. >There in the doorway stands your saving grace, Twilight Sparkle.
  672. >It makes you so delirious that the sunlight shining from behind her almost makes her seem like some divine angel sent to take you away from this hell.
  673. >You turn back to Luna who is shifting her eyebrows up and down at you insinuatingly.
  674. 'Whu-But how!?'
  675. >She shrugs.
  676. >'We did the obvious solution and simply went looking for her, a recluse who stays holed up in their homestead studying is not a difficult mare to find.'
  677. >Your face twitches, if you were made of flesh and blood right now something might have burst in your brain.
  678. 'You mean you could've done that THE WHOLE TIME!?'
  679. >She looks at you in surprise, you can't tell if she's faking it or not.
  680. >'Well of course, honestly we were unsure of why thou didn't come to this conclusion first.'
  681. >The gears in your head stop churning.
  682. >You had been so scared of leaving your body alone at the whims of horses you hadn't even considered the option.
  683. >As you cover your face in your hands and groan for what feels like the hundredth time today, Twilight interrupts you.
  684. >"Anonymous please, there will be plenty of time for that later."
  685. >Before you can reply, Pinkie's voice answers her instead.
  686. >"Oh hey Twilight! Sorry but um... me and Nonny are kinda in the middle of something here, I mean if you wanna join in that's a whole different story, after all; the more the merrier!"
  687. >For a moment Pinkie tenses up and goes cross eyed as a particularly strong orgasm hits her.
  688. >Relaxing again, she continues on like nothing happened.
  689. >"Watching is fine too, but just standing there talking to yourself is a liiiiiittle weird don'tcha think?"
  690. >She says this as she blows her party favor, unfurling it and shooting confetti everywhere while she's still getting eaten out.
  691. >Twilight dusts the paper and glitter out of her mane.
  692. >"Pinkie I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to Anon."
  693. >Pinkie looks down, then back at Twilight.
  694. >"I don't think he'd be much for conversation, he's kinda got his mouth full at the moment."
  695. >Twilight rests her face in her hoof and groans.
  696. >"Not that Anon, the other-- you know what here."
  697. >Charging up a magic spell, she zaps Pinkie's head.
  698. >When it's finished Pinkie's eyes are glowing a faint blue.
  699. >"OoOoOo, pretty!"
  700. >After she blinks a few times she finally notices you.
  701. >The real you, ghostly you.
  702. >"Wowie zowie! Two Nonnies!? That's twice the fun!"
  703. >When she spots the princess as well, she waves enthusiastically to her.
  704. >"Hi Luna! Geez, if I knew there was gonna be so many guests I would've sent out invitations!"
  705. >The princess of the night chuckles.
  706. >'That won't be necessary as we will not be intruding for long, unfortunately we will however have to take your guest of honor.'
  707. >The pink mare deflates like a sad balloon.
  708. >"Aww but the party was just getting started."
  709. >She says this as another wave of her cotton candy fluid splatters on your face.
  710. >"Another time perhaps, we're sure Anonymous would be more than delighted to continue the fun at a later date."
  711. >Luna turns to you with her smug grin making its grand return.
  712. >You look away and scoff.
  713. 'Not fucking likely.'
  714. >When you turn away from Luna, you inevitably end up looking at Pinkie instead.
  715. >Upon hearing your answer, Pinkie wraps herself around your body's head and starts making sad puppy dog eyes at you.
  716. >"Please?"
  717. 'What? No, stop that!'
  718. >She holds on even tighter, biting her lower lip as tears well up in her eyes.
  719. >"Pretty Pllllllease?"
  720. >Her grip is beginning to leave marks on your skin.
  721. 'I said no damn it!'
  722. >"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"
  723. >You look back and forth between her and your body as you start to panic.
  724. 'For fuck-- Okay alright we'll make a play date or something!'
  725. >In an instant, the pink pony lets go of your body and cheers.
  726. >"Yay! You really are the best Nonny!"
  727. >She tries to kiss you, but instead she phases right through you and faceplants into the wall.
  728. >All you do is sigh in annoyance as Luna chides next to you.
  729. >'See? Thou really art softer than thou lets on.'
  730. >You grumble like a bitter old man.
  731. >It wasn't that you felt bad for Ponk.
  732. >You were actually more worried that the death grip she had on your skull was gonna cause your body to suffocate.
  733. >There's no way in hell you could face your mom in the afterlife if you had to tell her you died choking on cotton candy pone vag.
  734. >Although, dad would probably laugh and ask if you got your money's worth.
  735. >Fucking weirdo.
  736. >As you're pondering these thoughts, Twilight hits your body with a spell of deep sleep and encases him in a magic purple bubble before anyone else can get off track again.
  737. >"Alright there's no time to waste, we're taking Anon back home okay Pinkie?"
  738. >The pink pone's face is still mashed into itself like she was some kind of new breed of pug, but she waves your crew off anyway.
  739. >"Okie dokie, see you tomorrow Nonny!"
  740. >All you offer back is what barely even resembles a wave goodbye.
  741. >You didn't have the energy; nor the will to care anymore.
  742. >And in the next moment, the three of you pop out of existence.
  743. >When you come back to reality, Twilight is resting your body back down on your bed.
  744. 'So how do we do this?'
  745. >You see Twilight smile in anticipation and know immediately you'd rather she just do it instead of explaining.
  746. >"Well it's actually rather simple, all you need to do settle down back into your body, then I'll tie your consciousness back where it belongs."
  747. >She's about to go into full on lecture mode about how this is possible when you manage to cut her off.
  748. 'Just lie down, got it.'
  749. >Ignoring her disappointed frown, you move yourself into position.
  750. >"Alright get ready Anon, just stay still, this might feel a little weird."
  751. >As Twilight charges the spell, Luna decides to give her final farewells.
  752. >'Well Anonymous, for better or worse we did enjoy amusing ourselves with your antics today.'
  753. >She blows you a kiss from her ghostly lips.
  754. >'Perhaps we shall do this again sometime.'
  755. >You stare at her without blinking and speak in the most deadpan tone you can manage.
  756. 'Not a chance in hell.'
  757. >In the next moment you're being zapped with purple pony magic as you lose consciousness.
  758.  
  759. >After a while, you finally wake up.
  760. >Everything's black.
  761. OH GOD I'M BLIND!
  762. >"Open your eyes stupid."
  763. Oh... right.
  764. >For the first time all day, you actually open your eyes for real.
  765. >What you see is your bedroom ceiling, along with a certain purple someone leaning a bit too close to your face.
  766. >You gesture to her and she makes room for you as you try to sit up.
  767. >"Looks like the procedure went off without a hitch."
  768. >You look at your hands and flex your fingers.
  769. >Immediately afterwards you punch yourself in the face, causing Twilight to panic.
  770. >"What did you do that for!?"
  771. Had to make sure I was solid this time, being a ghost gets to you after a while.
  772. >"Actually you weren't a ghost, you were a manifestation of coherent thoughts."
  773. Wow, I totally don't care.
  774. >She grumbles at you in annoyance, but you do what you do best and ignore her.
  775. >You look around the room for the princess, but see she's nowhere to be found.
  776. So what happened to moonbutt, she okay?
  777. >Twilight frowns at your nickname but does her best to explain anyway.
  778. >"Since she's no longer trapped in your psyche, she'll be able to extricate herself from your domain."
  779. >She looks over at your bedroom clock.
  780. >"If I were to guess, she should be waking up at the castle any minute now."
  781. >You let out a sigh of relief.
  782. Phew, well that's good to hear.
  783. >Twilight turns back and eyes you curiously.
  784. >"Oh, I didn't think you'd be so concerned with her well being."
  785. >You blow a raspberry and scoff.
  786. Of course not, I'm just glad to know she's out of my hair for good this time.
  787. >The purple mare rolls her eyes at you skeptically.
  788. >"Suuuure you are, good old Anon; spends a whole day in the company of royalty and doesn't even bat an eye."
  789. >She says this in a sarcastic tone, but you cross your arms and nod enthusiastically anyway.
  790. Yup, sounds about right to me.
  791. >Sporting a rare smirk, she turns around and starts to leave.
  792. >"Well alright then tough guy, I'm going to head out now and let everypony else know you're okay."
  793. >As she opens the door, she turns around to offer one last piece of advice.
  794. >"Just do me a favor and get some rest, your body hasn't actually slept in over a day."
  795. >A sudden yawn catches you by surprise, finally making you realize just how exhausted you actually feel.
  796. Yeah... I think I just might do that Twi.
  797. >Laying back down, you pull the covers up and roll on your side facing away from her.
  798. Night Twi.
  799. >With a parting smile, Twilight excuses herself, most likely heading back to her own home for the evening.
  800. >And then, for what seems like the first time in ages, you were alone.
  801. >Laying there in silence, you lethargically smack your lips a few times.
  802. >...
  803. Hmmm, so that's what Pinkie tastes like...
  804. >As you finally fall asleep, you don't even notice Twilight groan as she's forced to carry the still comatose Fluttershy home.
  805.  
  806. >A young cabin boy busts through your doorway, wheezing fiercely as if he'd been running for days.
  807. >"Captain!"
  808. >Wrenching your lips away from your woman, you growl at him in anger.
  809. What is it boy, can't you see I'm busy? You're supposed to be pillaging the enemy right now, you'd best be bringing good news or I swear I'll slit ye throat!
  810. >"But Captain! The intel was fake, we were set up!"
  811. WHAT!?
  812. >"The creatures, they're already on board, we need to--"
  813. >Some unseen force knocks the boy's legs out from underneath him.
  814. >As he crashes to the ground, whatever has a hold of him starts dragging him away.
  815. >"No NO! Kill me, KILL ME!!!"
  816. >What follows is a disturbing sloshing noise you can't even distinguish.
  817. >That does it, no one fucks with your crew, not even unholy fiends.
  818. >Tossing your wench aside, you pull out your cutlass and head up deck.
  819. >Despite your bravado, what follows utterly shatters your mind.
  820. What in the bloody hell?
  821. >The entire deck is already swarmed with equines, all copulating with your crew, defeated and unable to defend themselves.
  822. >All of your bright young men, your companions, your blood brothers.
  823. >Reduced to nothing more than a writhing mass of sex and disgust.
  824. >You puke up your rum on the deck floor.
  825. THIS IS MADNESS!
  826. >As if answering you, the enemy leader appears from behind your ship's helm.
  827. >"This is Equestria~"
  828. >You shout out in rage.
  829. Ye'll never take me alive swine!
  830. >As you rush up at the beast and wrench your cutlass down upon her, she swings her horn up and parries your blade, deflecting it and sending it careening off into the drink.
  831. >"But Anonymous, we already have."
  832. >You're so angry that the shade of blue your face is changing almost resembles her own.
  833. >"Come now, surely thou did not think escaping us for a single night would actually accomplish anything. All must come to rest eventually."
  834. >You ball your hands into fists and yell at her like a child.
  835. What the fuck are you doing here Luna!?
  836. >Seeing that the game is now over, the princess drops the act.
  837. >"Isn't it obvious?"
  838. >You growl at her bitterly.
  839. It never is with you.
  840. >"We have decided it is in your best interests for us to schedule routine sessions every night to help thou acclimate to more socially acceptable pony standards."
  841. >It takes a moment for her words to sink in.
  842. >You turn around and look at your devastated ship and crew mates.
  843. Sweet merciful mother of god.
  844. >Without hesitation you attempt to flee, but immediately feel as if you were bolted in place.
  845. >Looking down, you see your ankles have literally been shackled by figurative ball and chains.
  846. >Luna easily walks up to you and offers you a motherly smile.
  847. >"Now Anonymous, we trust thou has learned a valuable lesson from thi--"
  848. >Twilight Sparkle lets out a disgruntled sigh of disappointment as she wearily stares at the two specters hovering over her bed.
  849. >"Seriously guys... again?"

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