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[FLUTTERRAPE] Thread Shorts Volume 16

By Nebulus
Created: 2024-11-12 06:31:52
Updated: 2024-11-12 17:03:17
Expiry: Never
anondarknsfwcomedyflutterrapevarious characters

  1. Hey, check it out, shorts! Thought I was dead? Nah, only on the inside. Hope you like them.
  2.  
  3. ---
  4.  
  5. Bugs.
  6.  
  7. "So, shape-shifting," you say to her out of the blue.
  8. >She looks up from her scrolls -- plans, you think.
  9. >"What about it?"
  10. "Do you have to read my mind to figure out what I want, or...?"
  11. >"Have I not explained this before?"
  12. >You shake your head.
  13. >"I listen to your emotions."
  14. "I don't get it."
  15. >She flares her thin nostrils, tosses her mane away from her face, and gazes at the gramophone across the room for a moment. A string section on low volume drifts from the horn.
  16. >"When you hear a record playing," she begins, "you can't read the sounds coming out of it, can you? You can neither touch, taste, nor smell them. You hear vibrating air, but that's not enough. You might sense that there is music playing, but your brain must interpret the sounds further to determine whether it's a happy piece or a sad one, and if there are lyrics you may even be able to hear what the singer is moody about. Does that make sense?"
  17. >You purse your lips at your gramophone as well, absently scratching an itch in your neck stubble with a finger.
  18. "Huh," you say after a while. "Never imagined it like that."
  19. >"All changelings can do it from birth. But just as it takes years of experience and exposure to make a pony -- or man -- into a connoisseur of music, young changelings must be educated to hear emotions properly so that they can interpret the specifics and subtext of what their target wants."
  20. "Interesting. And how--"
  21. >The far wall implodes.
  22. >Sunlight pours into your dim front room and Queen Chrysalis hisses from her spot on your sofa, holding up a pillow between her and the offending glow.
  23. >"Anon!" comes an unwanted intruder, "stay where you are, we're here to save you!"
  24. "Sparkle, you son of a bitch," you bellow. "I have a -fucking- door!"
  25. >Twilight Sparkle and her Disciples are gathered around the hole in your lounge, only wide enough to allow a single pony at a time.
  26. >Just behind her is a quivering mess.
  27. >"There-- there she is, Twilight!" Fluttershy squeals, her hoof pointing accusingly at Chrysalis, whom returns the gesture with a withering glare.
  28. >"Queen Chrysalis!" Twilight stomps into your home, her squad following her lead.
  29. >Rainbow Dash barges in second after Twilight, and leaps into a stupid pose as if she's a secret agent.
  30. >"Area clear!" she says, ignorant.
  31. >Pinkie Pie follows her lead more for the fun of it, babbling a hodgepodge of military and culinary jargon and giggling.
  32. >The others -- Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy -- stay huddled near their leader.
  33. >"I didn't want to think you'd returned, but Fluttershy's diligent reconnaissance alerted us. We're here to stop you!"
  34. >Chrysalis doesn't move from her spot on your sofa. If you couldn't get her to budge then you don't see how Twilight could manage it.
  35. >Instead, she settles the pillow she'd clung under her leg and leans on it. She then yawns, widely and deliberately, making sure all present see her bone-white fangs. When she speaks, it's in a bored drawl.
  36. >"Stop me from doing what, foal?"
  37. >"You're using Anon! Draining him of his love! You're--"
  38. >"His love isn't yours!" Fluttershy squeaks.
  39. >"Yes, thank you, Fluttershy, Chyrs--"
  40. >"It's mine!"
  41. >Twilight shushes her friend with a hoof and scowls at the visibly amused Queen of the Changelings.
  42. >"Ever since we defeated you in Canterlot, I've wondered when you'd make your next move. I first considered--"
  43. >"Sparkle," Chrysalis interrupts, "I'm sure you had a lovely speech you'd been preparing in your tiny, unevolved brain when you were sauntering over here, but I haven't the time or patience to listen to it. Do you want to have a fight, yes or no?"
  44. >Her gaze flicks to Pinkie Pie, who's wandered off to root through your things in the dim corners of the room as the others are talking. No one else pays this any attention, other than you.
  45. >Twilight digs her hooves into your carpet and paws at it, her hackles raised.
  46. >"I guess if you don't want to talk, we can restrain you. I'm sure Princess Celestia will appreciate getting answers out of you herself!"
  47. >"Restrain me. Really, now."
  48. >Chrysalis' gaze flicks again, this time to Rainbow Dash, who is stood off to the side presumably trying to play the part of the cool lone wolf.
  49. >She looks back to Twilight. She smiles.
  50. >"That sounds like a bore. Perhaps we -should- try diplomacy."
  51. >"Let Anon go!"
  52. >At this, you flop onto the sofa and, with both hands, shove the Queen further over so you have room to slouch. Her patchy tail slaps you in the face to show her displeasure, but she doesn't look away from the unicorn.
  53. >You rest your cheek on a fist, watching things unfold.
  54. >"But what about our agreement?" Chrysalis holds a hoof to her chest with cloying innocence. "I'm only fulfilling my end of a bargain."
  55. >Twilight opens her mouth, but you speak over her before she can begin.
  56. "I've got a thing going with her, Twilight."
  57. >Fluttershy goes rigid, eyes wider than you've ever seen them.
  58. "She drains my 'love'," you say with finger air-quotes, "and I get to enjoy Mariah Carey dressed like a Christmas elf."
  59. >"She... what?"
  60. "That or an eight-foot tall naked Galadriel who kicks me around and calls me worthless. Depends how kinky I'm feeling on a given day."
  61. >"I do enjoy the Galadriel one," Chrysalis mutters, nodding.
  62. >Twilight goes red. As always, anything sexual derails her completely.
  63. >You look away from Twilight to the queen beside you.
  64. >She's more interested in Rarity, stood at the back of the huddle.
  65. >You turn your head to check on Pinkie and Rainbow.
  66. >But they're gone.
  67. >Chrysalis' smile seems wider and more at ease.
  68. >"Perhaps you would be interested in joining us for an evening, Sparkle? We changelings are ever so flexible."
  69. >She relishes the final word, afterwards running her forked tongue over her grinning teeth.
  70. >Twilight stammers, but before she can get a word in, Fluttershy shunts her aside.
  71. >"I knew you'd be corrupting him, you hussy!"
  72. >The queen quirks an eyebrow, saying nothing.
  73. >"Give me back my human!" the pegasus demands.
  74. "Give me back my personal space first, you fucking weirdo. Reason I'm cooped up in here with the curtains shut to begin with is because you hound me the moment I step outside."
  75. >"You don't mean that, Anon, you like our walks!"
  76. >Applejack makes a strange noise like a cough and a squeak.
  77. >You look over the heads of the others in time to see a pair of orange legs disappearing into the ceiling.
  78. >Regarding Chrysalis sidelong, she bobs her eyebrows at you.
  79. >You slap your knees with your palms.
  80. "Fuck it, I'm bored. Let's just have a fight instead."
  81. >You stand up, looming a good couple of feet over the much littler ponies.
  82. >Twilight backs away. The threat of imminent danger reminds her of her priorities. She points her horn at you.
  83. >"Okay, girls, Anon's in league with the enemy. I hate to do this, but we'll need to take them both down. Ready? Charge!"
  84. >She yells and runs straight at you, horn glowing.
  85. >Quick as a flash, you slap her across the point of the bone, and the light flickers out.
  86. >She yelps. You grab her. And in a beat have her grappled.
  87. >You sit on the carpet, the pony held against your chest with one arm and free, firm fist closed over her horn.
  88. >She thrashes against you for a few seconds, then slows.
  89. >"Where are..." she trails off.
  90. >You all watch as a pair of changeling drones drag a furiously writhing Fluttershy, her mouth and wings blocked with green slime, eyes reflecting sheer animal terror, into an abyssal hole in your carpeted floor.
  91. >As this happens, more drones skitter from holes all over the room, from above and below, chittering amongst themselves. With a curt nod from their queen, they begin industriously sealing the hole in your wall where the Elements entered.
  92. >Using a mixture of stray wall-debris, bits of wood, and liberal helpings of the ubiquitous, multi-purpose building material you've come to call "goop", they plaster an opaque membrane over the hole, more concerned with blocking it now than making it look good.
  93. >Before long, the sunlight fades, and the familiar indoor gloom descends once again
  94. >Chrysalis pretends she's checking her hoof as this goes on, and as Twilight redoubles her efforts to break out of your iron grip, shakes her head sadly.
  95. >"Such a pity," the queen muses. "All your friends are gone, and here you are... -restrained-."
  96. >As the sun's rays are banished for good, she locks eyes with Twilight. A slow, vicious grin spreads across her obsidian features. In the exaggerating low light, even you have to admit it's unsettling.
  97. >Her horn flares in sickly green, and the queen vanishes in baleful fire.
  98. >In her place, Princess Celestia lies resplendent on the sofa, and in a soft, perfect mimicry:
  99. >"My faithful student. I have several very personal lessons I want to teach you."
  100. >Twilight swallows, trembling.
  101.  
  102. ---
  103.  
  104. ">All these Anons submitting to ponies."
  105. - Anonymous, posting a picture of an angel worried about sacrilege.
  106.  
  107. >God taps his pen on his desk.
  108. >A steady, rhythmic double-tap of burnished steel on stone.
  109. >You try to keep still in your chair, but you're trembling all over.
  110. >The Almighty leans back and rubs his eyes with a forefinger and thumb.
  111. >"Anonymous," he says at last.
  112. >As always, his booming voice is accompanied by a faint angelic chorus and a light breeze.
  113. >The chill atop the holy mountain isn't helped by the additional draft. God's office is really more of a desk centred on a plateau, the mountain's tip sliced cleanly off as though a knife had passed over it. All around is an ocean of orange clouds, their colour cast by the setting sun.
  114. >Ordinarily you'd be elated to be receiving his attention, but he's wearing a look he only reserves for troublesome heaven-dwellers.
  115. >"You have served myself and the Heavens well, and I am ever grateful for your continued devotion."
  116. >Yet, he's frowns down at you.
  117. >You peer up at him, towering over four times your height from behind his great marble desk.
  118. >"The Equestria mission has been difficult for you, hasn't it."
  119. "I'm doing my best, Lord, I only need time to work on it."
  120. >"Would you like assistance? A companion or two? I'm sure some of your brothers would enjoy travelling with you."
  121. "I can handle it on my own, Lord, I promise. Please don't send anyone else, they'll just get in the way of a delicate process."
  122. >He hums. It vibrates in his chest, deep booms inside a hollow chasm.
  123. >"Eight times I have sent you into that world. Eight times I have had to pluck you from it lest you fall to its corrupting influence."
  124. "Ninth time's the charm, Lord," you try a laugh. Your divine creator's frown deepens. You see starlight and miraculous visions swirling in his eternal eyes.
  125. >"Is it not a land of peace and harmony? Is it truly so difficult to do what you've been sent to do?"
  126. "It's a land of peace, Lord, but the residents are, uh, licentious."
  127. >"So you have claimed."
  128. >You swallow a lump in your throat.
  129. >"And what of my counterpart, Princess Celestia. Have you managed to gain an audience with her?"
  130. >You wriggle in your seat.
  131. "Not... not as such."
  132. >God spreads his hands.
  133. >"As you are aware, there is little I cannot do, but I cannot redeem Equestria until I am granted access."
  134. >You raise your hand as if you were in school, your downy wings clenched tightly against your back.
  135. >God's brow raises.
  136. "But you are, of course, omnipotent, Lord, so you--"
  137. >"In this universe," he calmly interjects.
  138. >Your mouth hangs open.
  139. >God tilts his head slightly.
  140. >"You understand I am the divine shepherd of... -this- universe, and not Equestria?"
  141. "That... I do now, Lord."
  142. >"Hence why I cannot intrude. I must send my angels." He gestures a fatherly hand down at you. "My purest, most dependable angels."
  143. >Your heart swells.
  144. "Thank you, Lord. But if you didn't create Equestria, then, uh, who did?"
  145. >"She was called Faust. I know naught else."
  146. >His steady gaze lowers, his creased face becoming more-so.
  147. >"But she is gone. I cannot find her light. It is... saddening."
  148. >He glances up. You're holding your hand aloft again.
  149. "So is that why we need to ask Celestia instead?"
  150. >"Princess Celestia, yes. In Faust's absence, she has become the de facto god of her world. We must bring her and all others into the fold. Our purpose is to bring light to all places."
  151. "Question: what do I do if she's the one that's been raping me?"
  152. >God stares at you.
  153. "Like, repeatedly. As soon as I show up."
  154. >He stares.
  155. "And she's really, really, -really- aggressive about it. Super pent-up. Insatiable. Just a complete animal."
  156. >"Then she would be a fallen god," God says after a pause, "and the Equestria project becomes more difficult."
  157. "They're all like that."
  158. >God's frown is on the verge of becoming a scowl.
  159. "I first came down from the heavens and found a pony resting on a cloud. Yellow fur, had the whole..." you gesture around your hip, "you know. She looked at me for maybe a few seconds before trying to pull my toga off and grab my genitals."
  160. >God leans back and tents his fingers, waiting for you to finish.
  161. "That was when you first pulled me out. Then for the next few times I was floating around trying to find a resident that wouldn't fondle me on sight and bumped into Celestia."
  162. >"This would be the fifth time."
  163. "Yeah, the fifth."
  164. >"I did attempt to retrieve you, Anonymous, I sensed something was amiss, but you understand that my powers in foreign universes are greatly diminished."
  165. "I figure she knew something was trying to pull me out, but she stopped it."
  166. >"Because she was fornicating with you."
  167. "I'd more say fornicating ON me. She likes being on top."
  168. >"Did you get a word in, at least?"
  169. "Not really. I tried introducing myself, but she just shut my mouth with magic and went to town. Kept saying 'where have you been all my life'."
  170. >"A curious phraseology."
  171. "I was more concerned about the other stuff than what she was saying."
  172. >"In your professional opinion, Anonymous, should we abandon the Equestria project?"
  173. "O-oh, uh, no, I think we should try for as long as we need to, hah."
  174. >You smile up at the Creator, sweat building on your brow and under your pits.
  175. >The Creator frowns down at you.
  176. >His frown crosses the threshold into a paternal scowl.
  177. >As with most things, he sees straight through you.
  178. >"Oh no you don't. No universe is worth the soul of an angel. We will not venture there again. We will find another universe to influence. You are forbidden from returning to Equestria."
  179. "What? Come on, God, you can't just stop now--"
  180. >"-Forbidden-, Anonymous. Do not test me."
  181. "I was so close to making a breakthrough, I'm sure of it! Just one more time-- uh, maybe three or four, at least!"
  182. >"I wasn't born yesterday, Anonymous. Report to the infirmary for dehornification."
  183. >You do your best not to sulk as you trudge down God's cloud-smothered mountain.
  184. >He shakes his head as you leave.
  185. >Once you're gone, he motions with his hand and looks thoughtfully through an opened portal.
  186. >Beyond, he sees starlight and a dreamy valley. A winding river. A sleepy town. A white city.
  187. >He sighs, lamenting what could have been, and closes the portal for good.
  188.  
  189. *
  190.  
  191. >Celestia sits pert on a balcony overlooking the moonlit Canterhorn valley. She's wide-awake, buzzing with caffiene, and quivering with excitement.
  192. >Luna sits beside her, periodically checking the time and yawning.
  193. >"Are you sure he's coming back?"
  194. "Luna, this last week has been the best sex I've ever had, I promise it'll be worth the wait. He normally shows up about now." She points a hoof at an unassuming bit of sky. "Right over there. Same entrypoint every time. We'll snag him when he comes through, he's putting up less and less of a fight each time."
  195. >Luna surveys the prepared stockpile next to her sister.
  196. >"Do we need so much lubricant? And is that a whip?"
  197. "Oh-hooo yes, believe me, we'll need it. We'll need you, too. Something keeps yanking him back to wherever he came from, so with you here we can anchor him once and for all."
  198. >She clops her front hooves like a foal and looses an uncharacteristic squeal.
  199. "You'll love his wings, trust me, they're almost his best feature."
  200. >"His best being?"
  201. >Celestia gives Luna a coy smirk.
  202. >The two of them wait, even as the moon crosses the sky.
  203. >And, God willing, they always will.
  204.  
  205. ---
  206.  
  207. ">"Are emo mares your fetish?""
  208. - Anonymous, posting an emo mare
  209.  
  210. >You're writing poetry.
  211. >Ordinarily you wouldn't be caught dead doing it, but you're exploring alternative avenues towards getting Fluttershy to fuck off, so here you are in a secluded part of Ponyville's main park.
  212. >Just as Fluttershy routinely appears to show you equine-made horrors well within your comprehension, you're trying to meet her halfway with your own man-made retorts to get the message across that you don't want to fuck or start a family with her.
  213. >So far, you've both been failures, but you're starting to get into the creative rhythm of parrying her ceaseless molestations with your own unique witticisms.
  214. >You understand now how Fluttershy keeps it up -- once the creative juices start flowing it's hard to plug them.
  215. >You pause mid-stanza, sudden disgust making your toes curl in your shoes.
  216. >'Juices' shouldn't be anywhere near thoughts involving Fluttershy.
  217. >You chew the end of your pencil and squint at your notepad.
  218. >You've got something epic in mind. Something grand and dramatic, like an opera.
  219. "Should this be an ode? Or a ballad?"
  220. >For a while you doodle a little drawing of Fluttershy hanging from a tree, then get an idea.
  221. >You scribble out the words you'd written earlier and start again on a new line.
  222. "Enter an equine of excretory existence... it's a start..." you mumble.
  223. >Someone nearby sighs loudly.
  224. >You don't look up. Ponies will sometimes pass through even here, but there's nothing you can do about that.
  225. "Her end is nothing her friends would mourn? Too clumsy..."
  226. >Another sigh, this time closer, and a minute passes before you nearly leap out of your skin.
  227. >There's an unknown slate-coloured pony sat on the grass beside you.
  228. >You can't see her full face behind the mass of forward-thrown jet black hair covering her eyes, but she seems downright miserable; shoulders hunched, head tilted down.
  229. >As though the universe wishes to drive the point home, her cutie mark is even a black heart with a pin stuck straight through it.
  230. "You good?" you say after a moment watching her.
  231. >She sighs again and tosses her mane.
  232. >"I'm never... no, forget it..."
  233. >She sighs once more, doing nothing more than staring at the distance. Or into the mass of hair. You don't see how she can tell what's in front of her.
  234. >You shrug and return to your notepad.
  235. >If this is to work, you need to capture Fluttershy's purest essence. Just who -is- she? What is she to you and the world? How can you capture her mareish spirit in a single word? Does such a word even exist? It's no pity if there isn't...
  236. >You gnaw more heavily on your pencil, vaguely registering the mulching wood splintering on your tongue.
  237. >Poetry is not for the slow of mind, and son, you're the slowest mind in the West.
  238. >Your new companion shuffles closer to you. You can feel her staring, so you turn again.
  239. "So what is this, exactly?" You motion between the two of you. "Is this your spot, or something?"
  240. >"I never thought I'd meet someone else that liked poetry..."
  241. >She tosses her mane.
  242. >Come to think of it, you might have seen her around before, but you can't fathom where.
  243. "I think a lot of people like poetry, actually."
  244. >"No, they don't... Not like me."
  245. >She sighs. Your jaw clenches involuntarily.
  246. >The mare looks up, tosses her bangs aside, and gazes into your eyes. You don't know how your eyes look to ponies around here, but hers are pink and framed with huge bags like she hasn't slept for a year. Though it could be liberally applied mascara.
  247. >"Poetry is a window to the soul," she whispers with gravitas.
  248. "...Yeah, kinda," you say bluntly.
  249. >She nods slowly, her expression expectant.
  250. >"A window to the -soul-."
  251. "...Yep. Sure is."
  252. >"Do you... like that line? I thought of it myself. I put it in one of my poems. It's no big deal..."
  253. "A lot of people have commented on things being windows into souls. It's cliché at this point. Are you sure you're good? You look depressed."
  254. >She heaves in a deep breath, but before she can let it out you raise a hand.
  255. "Don't."
  256. >"What?"
  257. "Don't sigh. Stop sighing."
  258. >She frowns.
  259. >"It's just... that's just how I feel."
  260. "Going up to strangers in the park and sighing at them is a good way to get punched where I'm from."
  261. >She shrugs.
  262. >"Then beat me. Hurt me. Tear at me. Make me bleed. Dig needles into my veins and score glass over my heart, you can't inflict any pain greater than the sort I feel every day."
  263. >She sighs and turns away from you.
  264. >A chill runs up your spine. Memories of high school surge up like a geyser within you, haunted by the whining vocals of Gerard Way -- the voice of a subculture you'd long forgotten.
  265. "Oh god, you're an emo."
  266. >"Is that it? Another rejection? Put in a little box and pushed under the bed with all the other broken toys? Guess I'm just another fool who thought she'd found a kindred spirit... another tender heart to keep close, keep warm..."
  267. "Lady, you gotta snap out of it. There are better ways to make friends than being angsty and gay."
  268. >"Aren't you the one writing poetry?"
  269. "So?"
  270. >"Doesn't that make you a little bit angsty, and a little bit gay?"
  271. >She taps the paper you're working on.
  272. >"Little skulls and knives, a heart wrapped in barbed wire... are those the drawings of someone society welcomes with open arms?"
  273. "Hey, get out of my head, man, I'm not one of you."
  274. >"What's your poem about?"
  275. "It's about Fluttershy," you try to say it as gruffly as you can. "You know, her."
  276. >"Oh... do you... love her?"
  277. "Jesus, no, I want her to die. But murder's illegal, so I have to settle for hurting her feelings so badly she'll take herself out. I'm in arms race: if she wins, I'm fucked six ways from Sunday, if I win, she's buried six feet under."
  278. >The emo sniffs and tosses her mane.
  279. >"That's so dark," her eyes drift down your body and back up. "You're hot."
  280. >You leap to your feet.
  281. "Don't go getting ideas, lady, I've already got one mare ruining my life, I don't need another."
  282. >"Then we're both ruined. Two barren lives meeting on a night like this..."
  283. >She gives you a shy smile, but even that's performative. Just about everything she does is obnoxiously deliberate.
  284. >"It's fate."
  285. "It's four in the afternoon, you spastic."
  286. >"Yeah, but it's winter, so it'll be dark soon. Do you like the dark? It's the only time I feel at peace."
  287. >You do like the dark, actually, but you're not telling her that.
  288. "I don't want you trying to drag me into any emo shit."
  289. >She tosses her mane and smiles, then gestures at the pad you're crushing in one hand.
  290. >"I don't need to. You're already in it. I'll guess see you later... Anon..."
  291. "How do you know my name?"
  292. >The mare flashes a mysterious smile.
  293. >"You're... still wearing your uniform from Pone Mart. I saw you there today... I'll see you tomorrow, too, kindred."
  294. >And she shuffles off, eyes firmly directed at the ground.
  295. >You watch her go, stunned.
  296. >Then look at the poetry in your hand.
  297. >You stuff the entire notepad in the nearest trash can and sprint home.
  298. >Tomorrow morning you're quitting your job and taking up woodworking. No emo ever tried woodworking, and if Fluttershy sees how much effort you put into a statue of you kicking her in the cunt she'll surely leave you alone.
  299.  
  300. ---
  301.  
  302. "Shes too powerful for you to stop."
  303. - Anonymous, posting a picture of GlimmerGlammer doing a PelvicSlammer
  304.  
  305. "So it all started about a hundred-million years ago. You had this race of super advanced aliens called Necrontyr, but they evolved on this irradiated hellworld that made them have really short lifespans..."
  306. >The guy at the bar is too polite to ask you what you're talking about.
  307. >You don't care.
  308. >You're five pints in and haven't spoken to anyone about anything Warhammer-related in over a year, so tonight this guy's going to be your sounding board.
  309. "...Then they find out about this even older race called -- get this -- called the Old Ones, and they're basically perfect, but they're also immortal, and the Necrontyr are desperate to be free from their tragically short lives. Anyway, then the Ne--"
  310. >You vanish in a flash of light.
  311. >The stallion staggers back in his seat, trying to banish the black spots dancing in his eyes.
  312. >He looks around the bar, expecting to see you hidden behind a table.
  313. >He frowns.
  314. >"Aww. I wanted to know more about aliens..."
  315.  
  316. *
  317.  
  318. >You reappear in the air over a rug, landing on it with a wheeze.
  319. >Your head swims in discombobulation both alcoholic and regular.
  320. >A room comes into focus. One that in your daze appears familiar.
  321. >The décor is angsty and purple, and for a moment you fear you've arrived in Twilight's domicile.
  322. >"Nice of you to drop in, Anon."
  323. >The voice doesn't fill you with scientific dread, so you unclench your sphincter.
  324. >It takes a few tries to roll over onto your back and sit up, your head pounding all the while.
  325. >None other than Starlight Glimmer is sprawled on her bed, lying on her side, her head resting on a hoof, eyes half-lidded.
  326. >"Heard you were alone on a Friday night. Me too. How about we--"
  327. "I wasn't alone. I was at the bar talking to a dude about Necrons."
  328. >She stops, her mouth ajar at a gormless angle.
  329. >"What dude? What's a Necron?"
  330. "I don't know, some guy. Can you send me back?"
  331. >She scowls and sits up a bit.
  332. >"Can't, it's one-way only. Listen, we're both alone now, and it's Friday, and I've been doing a lot of--"
  333. "Why is it only one-way? I thought you were good at magic."
  334. >"I... I'm -very- good at magic, thank you! Now if you'll just shut up for a moment I have something to say."
  335. "No, no no, you can't just take me out of something like that, it's unethical. Either you send me back, or you're going to be my new drunk-talk buddy."
  336. >She starts to speak, but collects herself first, even managing a smile.
  337. >"I can be your buddy, if that's what you want. Like I said, we're both single and alone on a Friday, and I was doing a lot of thinking. Maybe it's time we cut a deal? You scratch my back, I scratch yours? Go from being friends to being friends with... benefits, if you catch my meaning?"
  338. "I'm thinking I trade you Warhammer lore, and you trade me sitting still and listening to me ramble about Warhammer lore. Anyway, I'll start from the beginning. First of all, do you know anything about the Emperor? Actually, bad question, I'll walk you through the golden age of Humanity first since it's important for understanding the... No, actually, I'd better just go back to the Necrons since really this whole thing is their fault. So, you had this super advanced alien race--"
  339. >Your mouth clamps shut. Blue magic envelops you. You rise from the rug.
  340. >Your world spins, and before you know it you're thrown back on Starlight's bed.
  341. >She straddles you, the most forced, manic smile you've ever seen on her face.
  342. >"Okay! Great talk! Ha ha! Now listen, I think you and I need to get more familiar with each other, you understand? I'll walk you through my situation since you're being so kind as to be quiet."
  343. >She puffs out her cheeks.
  344. >"All the girls have boyfriends. Even -Trixie- went and found a partner," she speaks through gritted teeth: "Don't know how -that- happened."
  345. >The mare takes a moment to run a hoof through her frazzled mane. You now realise the curtains are shut, there are tissues all over the bedspread, and the air reeks of musk.
  346. >"So, you and me are the last ones standing. We held out to the last, my friend! Ha ha! We're both single and about the same age, so I think we're perfect for each other, don't you? I like my theories on magic and economics, you like your, uh, human history studies, I guess."
  347. "Technically it's a history of the entire galaxy, and humans only play a very small part until about the twenty-third millennia when shit goes off the rails because of artificial intelligence--"
  348. >"Exactly! That's right! Artificial whatever!"
  349. >She presses her nose against yours and bloodshot eyes glare into your own.
  350. >"Take your clothes off," she growls.
  351. "Listen, Spangles," you say carefully, "you have to take it easy. So your stupid village failed because your politics were dumb. Big deal. Happens to everyone at some point, that's no reason to rape a man."
  352. >You see the neurons firing in her head as she tries to make the connection between what's happening and whatever the fuck you're going on about.
  353. >Eventually, she just bluntly answers you.
  354. >"Own Town didn't fail because of politics, Anon, it failed because Twilight showed up and derailed everything."
  355. "Spangle, please, don't kid yourself, there's no way what you had going had any sort of long-term validity."
  356. >"We're not getting into this now. Get naked or I'll -get- you naked."
  357. "Socialism is dumb."
  358. >...
  359. >The bedside clock ticks innocently away as though nothing was happening.
  360. >Starlight's expression contorts from neutral to serious.
  361. >"No it's not."
  362. "Yes it is."
  363. >"No, it's -not-."
  364. "It's a stupid political model and it goes against human nature."
  365. >"Okay, first of all, it's not just a political model, it's economic as well. Secondly, there aren't any humans here so that point of argument is invalid, and additionally, there are plenty of places where it's worked--"
  366. "Name five."
  367. >"Own Town was a fantastic experiment!" she shouts directly into your face. There's alcohol on her breath. That's another thing you have in common. "I did more for Equestria than your stupid human history will ever do!"
  368. "Warhammer lore is a legitimate area of study! They've written a whole library on the subject! A black one!"
  369. >"Holy sun, will you just shut up and fuck me already! I'm so bored of being the one without a boyfriend! Every time the girls and I go out nowadays it's always "my partner" this, or "marriage" that; what, am I just expected to suddenly have a partner just because I'm in my thirties?! Is there a spell to magically make one appear?"
  370. >She laughs in an off-kilter way.
  371. >"Well surprise, looks like there is! Remote teleportation was the answer the whole time!"
  372. >She slams her hooves on either side of your head and presses her nose against yours again.
  373. >"Put a FUCKING foal in me, Anonymous!"
  374. "No child of mine is growing up with a god-damn Communist for a mother!"
  375. >You punch her.
  376. >She punches you back.
  377. >And like the War In Heaven once raged across the galaxy a distant universe away, so too do you and Starlight Glimmer drunkenly brawl on her bed, yanking hair, bludgeoning legs and ribs, even strangling each other before you tumble off her bed.
  378. >Then you're both on the floor, then up against the bedside cabinet, then on the rug, then against the wall, then the door, then back on the bed, then against the headboard, then again against the headboard, and again, and again and again against the headboard until the wall plaster starts caving in from the hammering.
  379. >It started out with split lips and biting, and ended very much the same way but in a wildly different context.
  380. >You're not sure where you lost track of what you were meant to be doing, and by Christ does your head hurt.
  381. >But at least you're not single anymore.
  382. >And at least you're not--
  383. >Fucking... Twilight?
  384. >Eh, good enough.
  385.  
  386. ---
  387.  
  388. "No die
  389. No rape"
  390. - Anonymous
  391.  
  392. >One day, you have an epiphany.
  393. "Hang on," you say to the mare about to hand you a carrot hotdog, "she can't rape me if I kill myself!"
  394. >The hotdog mare stares at you.
  395. >Then, very slowly, sets a sign on the counter that says "Out to lunch" before backing away, never breaking eye-contact with you.
  396.  
  397. *
  398.  
  399. >Mister Waddle adjusts his glasses and clears his throat.
  400. >"If, uh, if the audience could please compose itself..."
  401. >The audience is perfectly composed, save one.
  402. >Fluttershy has shed her body weight in snot and tears; the pony is a blubbering, wailing shambles.
  403. >The high ceiling of the funeral hall echoes back the din.
  404. >The rest of the gathering is silent, watching Fluttershy writhe on the floor before your casket. They've been doing so for at least five minutes.
  405. >She again rises, sodden and howling like the creature from the black lagoon, and drapes herself across the closed lid a decorative pervert.
  406. >Being in close proximity to you, she naturally tries humping you a little bit, but there's two solid inches of mahogany separating you both, and she's too deranged to get a proper thrust going, so she once more unleashes an ear-splitting wail and covers yet more of your already soaked casket with pony slobber.
  407. >Twilight's forelegs are crossed and she's slouched in her seat in the front row.
  408. >The rest of the Elements look to her, and she shakes her head.
  409. >Instead, she prods Applejack in the belly.
  410. >"Your turn."
  411. >Applejack sighs and gives Rainbow her hat. Then, approaches Fluttershy, gently-but-firmly grips her, and drags her back to her seat, where the pegasus will remain for perhaps thirty seconds before sliding off and wriggling back to you in a marvellous impersonation of a bereaved worm.
  412. >Your detached spirit observes this with elation.
  413. >If you'd known dying would have caused her this much grief, you'd have done it months ago.
  414.  
  415. *
  416.  
  417. >Ghosts are meant to move on.
  418. >Ever since you sat up from your corpse -- sprawled in an exaggerated pose like a naff swastika having done a quintuple backflip off the town hall roof -- you've felt compelled to disappear.
  419. >The compulsion comes as naturally as breathing, all you'd need to do is let go and allow your spirit to depart.
  420. >But you're intrigued by life in Ponyville.
  421. >You can be forgiven for your new voyeuristic habits insofar as you're not from this planet.
  422. >These are still aliens you're watching, so you think of yourself as a nature documentarian.
  423. >You follow a pair of young lovers into a bush, your spectral hands in your ghost-pockets (apparently, clothes come with you to the afterlife).
  424. >The young mare giggles as her boyfriend nuzzles her ear then licks at her tail dock. Her tail flags. He unsheathes.
  425. "The male approaches the female in the pony's most natural mating ground: the bush behind the schoolhouse whilst class is in session," you say in a wizened, dry voice. "There, they will consummate their affection in the hopes of having what the youth call, 'A good time'."
  426. >After a few failed thrusts, the stallion finds his mark and the mare gasps.
  427. >"Ohh, Grand Sprout!" she gasps.
  428. "Nothing 'grand' sprouting from him, lady," you snicker at the stallion's length.
  429. >The two go at it with you watching the proceedings with a wry smile.
  430. "Hah, this is so gross, what the fuck."
  431. >Suddenly bored, you wander off in search of novelties.
  432.  
  433. *
  434.  
  435. >A few days roll by like this.
  436. >You've been taking your time, meandering from house to house, spending a few hours watching each family go about their business, listening to clandestine conversations, catching up on missed gossip.
  437. >"Lily's pregnant-- again!" hisses Roseluck.
  438. >"Shut up, she is not! Who was it this time, Big Mac?" Daisy hisses back, shooting a worried look at an oblivious Lily Valley, who is snipping dead leaves off a sunflower at the other end of the shop.
  439. >"Nope. This time it's -Cloud Dancer-."
  440. "God, what a slut," you and Daisy say in unison.
  441. >There's only so much gossip you can hear without being able to pass any of it on before you get bored, however, so a week or so later you find yourself stood in Ponyville square with your hands stuffed in your hoodie, brooding.
  442. >The afterlife calls, but you were hoping there'd be more to do.
  443. >You wanted to go to Canterlot to spy on Celestia -- perhaps confirm the rumours that she's hiding what Rainbow Dash once drunkenly called a "fuck obelisk", but the farther out of town you walk, the harder it is to proceed.
  444. >A force like a breeze against your face builds and builds until you're bend at the waist pressing your hands against a hurricane. Before long you're sent tumbling back the way you came like a plastic bag in an eddy.
  445. >You're bound to Ponyville, it seems.
  446. >And in your wanderings there's only one place you haven't visited yet.
  447. >An evil place where even the dead fear to venture.
  448.  
  449. *
  450.  
  451. >Fluttershy's cottage looks calm enough, but within that painted shell lurks a demon.
  452. >One that can no longer harm you.
  453. >Encouraged by sheer boredom and nothing else, you walk with pocketed hands through the wall and--
  454. "Oh."
  455. >And you stop dead.
  456. "Well, fuck."
  457. >From a beige rope wrapped and tied a dozen times around a thick roof beam, Fluttershy's body is pendulous.
  458. >There are no animals inside or even out. Possibly they've all fled or were told to leave beforehand.
  459. >Beneath her swaying limbs on a table dragged over is a pile of papers a good foot deep, neatly stacked in a block.
  460. >You peer down at the top-most sheet, glad for once that you can't interact with the physical world.
  461. >"My Suicide Note And The Circumstances Of My Depression And Ultimate Self-Destruction, by Mrs Fluttershy Anonymous."
  462. >"Book 1, Volume 1, Chapter 1: New Beginnings."
  463. >Fluttershy's body doesn't seem as though it's been dead for very long. You checked out the Ponyville morgue yesterday, and the bodies there have a distinct bloat to them that indicates how long it's been since they kicked the bucket.
  464. >Perhaps there's a chance someone will find her and--
  465. >"GUUHHUUAH!"
  466. >You shriek like a filly and leap away.
  467. >From the corpse's interior, a translucent hoof emerges and waggles around, followed by another, followed by a head gasping for air.
  468. >The Ghost of Kindness Past flops gracelessly out of her former body and faceplants the floor.
  469. >She drags herself to her hooves, spins to look at her body, and watches it for a moment.
  470. >"Oh... my," she touches her face. "Was I always that fat?"
  471. >The pony studies her swaying vessel for a while long before turning -- and freezing.
  472. >You stare down at her unable to move, sheer terror gripping the place where your heart used to be.
  473. >Her eyes slowly widen with recognition. You'd only set foot in this hell-hole twice in your former life, so it's understandable she'd be so unused to seeing you within her lair.
  474. >"An... on? Is that you? Were you... waiting for me?"
  475. >Her worried face shifts into a smile, then a full-on beam.
  476. >"You were waiting for me! Watching over me!" her tail wags. "Oh my goodness, I knew I could hear your voice! I knew I wasn't crazy! Now we can be togeth--"
  477. "NOPE."
  478. >Without a single second of further hesitation, you spread your arms, allow the light at the end of the tunnel to break through the walls of the world, and go gleefully into sweet oblivion.
  479.  
  480. ---
  481.  
  482. Fluttershy ain't too good at hearing.
  483.  
  484. >You watch your house burn to the ground.
  485. >The flames are such that any attempt to save any of your belongings is suicide, so you sit on verge across the way as your material wealth turns to ashes.
  486. >Fluttershy is sat next to you, having landed a little while ago without a word.
  487. >You've not spoken for a few minutes.
  488. >The top floor collapses inwards, becoming one with the bottom floor.
  489. >"Are you hard yet?" she inquires.
  490. "Why would I be hard," you say in dull monotone, refusing your lift your chin from its place in your cupped hands or take your eyes off the inferno.
  491. >A few pegasus ponies are doing their best dragging clouds over to douse the fire. The local fire department -- really more of a loose mob of volunteers -- is thundering up the road with a wagon loaded with a water drum and hoses.
  492. >Fluttershy screws her face up.
  493. >"Because... pyrophilia is your fetish. Isn't it your fetish? That's what you said yesterday."
  494. >You gaze transfixed at the cleansing fire. It is beautiful, in a sense. The way it burns away impurities. Fluttershy could benefit from a good fire. You should lock her inside her cottage and share this gift with her.
  495. >You shake your head.
  496. "Fluttershy," you begin slowly. "I said pygophilia. Py-GO-philia."
  497. >"I've not heard of that."
  498. "It's butts. My fetish is butts."
  499. >"...Oh. You mean like... mine?"
  500. "Like Applejack's. Or Rarity's."
  501. >"I think I have a nice butt."
  502. "Applejack's is nicer. As is Rarity's."
  503. >She frowns.
  504. >"So I burned down your house for nothing?"
  505. >You let out a long, long sigh through your nose.
  506. >You already knew, of course. The timing was too sudden, and Fluttershy has no comprehension of subtlety.
  507. "You did. You took away everything I had for nothing. Now I am homeless and destitute because you're a deaf sociopath."
  508. >"I'm not dead."
  509. "Deaf, you fucking..." you trail off, giving up early.
  510. >You say all this still with your elbows on your knees, and chin resting in your hands.
  511. >There's no fight left in you today. All your energy was spent in the initial blaze, but fires and wooden-frame houses with thatched roofs don't mix, so it was over as soon as you'd found that it had started.
  512. >A low growl vibrates the skies, and a dark bank of cloudrolls overhead, courtesy of Rainbow Dash and the weather patrol. It parks above your house, bringing a veil of shade with it, and a single fat raindrop hits the top of your head.
  513. >And then it's a downpour.
  514. >Fluttershy extends a wing over you and holds it there as the rain drenches everything in the vicinity: the fire, the firestarter, you, your life.
  515. >You neither push her away nor thank her.
  516. >Too tired for that. Too fed up.
  517. >"You can live with me if you'd like. Maybe we can find out if zoophilia or xenophilia are your fetishes too?"
  518. >She either doesn't understand the implication of zoophilia, or does. Either one scares you. The latter maybe more.
  519. >You don't answer her. You just sit. After the fire is fully dead a clear voice reaches you.
  520. >"Anonymous!" you allow a smile. "I saw the smoke-- your house!" Rarity is there, dressed in a raincoat and levitating an umbrella above her.
  521. >In the midst of a murky downpour she looks absolutely radiant. She turns to the side to stare agog at the ruins of your home, and your eyes trace her body, staying on her back end. Fluttershy follows your gaze and fumes.
  522. >Meanwhile, Rarity hovers her umbrella over you. It does a much better job keeping you dry than Fluttershy's wing. Rarity turns back to you.
  523. >"Don't say a word, my dear, we'll get you sorted out. You can tell me all about it back at the boutique. Come along now! You'll be living with me from now on -- Not a word! I'll not take no for an answer. Come along!"
  524. >You rise, smile at Rarity, and motion for her to lead the way.
  525. >She trots off, but you hold back to look down on Fluttershy.
  526. "I suppose I ought to thank you."
  527. >"My butt's way nicer. It's got more cushion."
  528. "Whatever you say, gluteous minor."
  529. >Life's about perspective, in the end.
  530. >A man can lose everything and still have all he needs.
  531. >You trail Rarity down the road, your eyes on her swaying flanks all the while.
  532. >And your life could be far worse.
  533.  
  534. ---
  535.  
  536. Nightmare Night!
  537.  
  538. >Three knocks on your door and you prepare for war.
  539. >At least that's what Pavlovian conditioning has done to you whilst living in Ponyville.
  540. >With a bike chain in your hand (no idea where it came from) you approach the door, ready for violence.
  541. >Dark nights harbour dark deeds.
  542. >You throw it open and--
  543. >"Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!"
  544. >Three small children are on your doorstep, wearing costumes and underdeveloped toothy smiles.
  545. >You blink at them, dumbfounded.
  546. >"Cool!" says one of the colts, a knight. "You're like, a murderer, or something!"
  547. >Dressed in your stained, white under-shirt, black gym shorts, two-week old beard, and clutching a bike chain, you can understand the assessment.
  548. >"So do we get anything?" asks a little princess filly.
  549. "Uhh. Sure."
  550. >You hold out your chain and drop it into the centre colt's bucket.
  551. >The three of them peer at it in silence for a moment.
  552. >"...Cool!" the colt exclaims again. "A real murderer's weapon!"
  553. >"I'm gonna use it to kill my big sister!" yells the filly.
  554. >"I'm gonna give my bully what he fricking deserves!" says the other colt -- a jester.
  555. >"Thanks, mister!" they cry, and with that, they tear off into the night, laughing.
  556. >You watch them go with a tired smile.
  557. "You did a good thing tonight, Anon," you say, nodding, then close the door.
  558.  
  559. *
  560.  
  561. >Another knock.
  562. >You open the door again.
  563. >Full-sized ponies this time.
  564. "Yeah?"
  565. >"Nightmare Night!" says a pony disguised as a mummy. "Come on, Anon, pay up!"
  566. "Oh. This is a thing, then. I don't have any candy."
  567. >"Boo-oo. You're boring. Give us something else, then."
  568. "Like what? I already gave my bike chain to some kids."
  569. >One of the ponies flips up her ski-mask.
  570. >"You did what," Cheerilee says in a low voice.
  571. "I don't have any food or whatever, so you'll have to try the next house."
  572. >"Oo-or, you could give us some of -this-!" says the mummy, and she gropes your balls through your thin shorts.
  573. >"Oh my god, Lyra!" squeals one of the ponies, batting her friend on the shoulder, and the two laugh.
  574. >Cheerilee doesn't join them. She's still glaring at you.
  575. >"What bike chain," she intones again.
  576. "I don't have shit, girls, now leave me alone."
  577. >"Fine," says Lyra, "but I'm telling everyone you're giving away hornjobs."
  578. "What? Why?"
  579. >"Serves you right for not getting candy! Later, alligator!"
  580.  
  581. >And she prances off with the other mystery mare.
  582. >Cheerilee stays on your doorstep a while longer, squinting at you.
  583. >Before she can speak, you slam the door on her.
  584.  
  585. *
  586.  
  587. >You let the knocker knock several times before you haul yourself out of your warm, plush seat and lumber to the door.
  588. "Fuck my life, -what-?" you say as you open it.
  589. >"No way, Lyra wasn't kidding! You girls heard that, right?"
  590. "That you, Rainbow?" you squint at her.
  591. >"Pfft, no," says Rainbow Dash, wearing a pirate hat and false parrot and nothing else. "I could be anyone."
  592. "Uh huh."
  593. >"So you're giving out hornjobs? Nice. Do you give wingjobs as well?"
  594. "I don't have candy."
  595. >"Who needs it when they can have a snack like you?"
  596. >The other ponies with Rainbow all laugh.
  597. >Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy by your guess.
  598. >Pinkie raises her hoof and waves it around, "Question!"
  599. "What."
  600. >"I don't have a horn or wings, do I still get a job?"
  601. "If you want a job you can clean my toilet."
  602. >"Awesome! When do I start?"
  603. "Right now. Stuff's in the closet under the stairs."
  604. >"Suh-weet! Move aside, ponies, your girl's a salarymare now!"
  605. >She squeezes past you and starts rooting around under your stairs for the cleaning supplies.
  606. >Applejack seems worried, but then she always does whenever Pinkie does anything.
  607. >"Anon?" Fluttershy is also raising her hoof.
  608. "I don't have anymore jobs. Or candy. Or bike chains."
  609. >"Um, I was hoping maybe I could give -you- a job? One that involves blowing?"
  610. "I was sacked from my last leaf-blowing job for negligence, sorry."
  611. >"N-no no, I meant--"
  612. >"What's that about a bike chain?" Applejack says bluntly.
  613. "I've got nothing else, please spread the word," you start closing the door. "Good bye, good luck, whatever the fuck."
  614.  
  615. *
  616.  
  617. >You watch Pinkie bounce around your front room, dusting here and wiping there.
  618. >You don't own a maid uniform, but she's wearing the hell out of one anyway.
  619. "Are you just, like, going to clean my entire house as a joke?"
  620. >"Yeppers!"
  621. "Huh. If I told you to do my taxes for a giggle, would you do that too?"
  622. >"Yes indeedy!"
  623. >You tease your fingers through your beard like a wizard and ponder the implications of this.
  624. >But before you get very far, there are further knocks.
  625. >You groan, get up, and answer it.
  626. >Only a single pony this time.
  627. >It's Luna in a trenchcoat.
  628. >You can tell, because it's obviously Luna. In a fucking trenchcoat.
  629. >"One hears this is the place for certain... services."
  630. >You stick your head out the door and look around for anyone else.
  631. >You're alone.
  632. "I have two garden gnomes stuffed with poison joke if you're interested."
  633. >"Gnomes?"
  634. "Guards never check gnomes, Princess."
  635. >Luna scowls.
  636. >"That's illegal, citizen; you forget who you're talking to. Besides, I'm here about -other- services, if you understand me. Of the horn variety."
  637. "Oh, that. No, I'm not doing that. It's a dirty lie being spread by a mummy that groped me."
  638. >She huffs.
  639. >"So even you are being granted sexual favours-- by mothers, no less. Whilst I'm left with nothing. Fine. Very well."
  640. >She turns to leave, but pauses.
  641. >"Actually, I will have a gnome."
  642. "Hundred bits."
  643. >"Ten, and I won't throw you in prison."
  644. "Deal."
  645. >"Marvellous."
  646.  
  647. *
  648.  
  649. >Your house is now spotless, and you're eating caviar.
  650. >You hate caviar, but you feel inclined to eat it since it was presented to you on a silver platter with hummus and other side dishes along with freshly baked bread.
  651. "Really committed to this bit, aren't you?" you ask Pinkie, now dressed as a moustachioed waiter.
  652. >"Oui oui, monsieur."
  653. "Ni hao to you too, you zany fuck."
  654. >More knocks.
  655. "Can you get that for me?"
  656. >"Non. Zat ees imposseebley."
  657. "Trust a Frenchman to never do any bloody work."
  658. >You open the door, still holding your entire platter.
  659. >"Nighmare Night! What a frigh--"
  660. >You tip the entire platter into the front-most child's cauldron.
  661. >She stares at the mass of reeking caviar, savoury dips, and moist bread.
  662. >She looks up at you, traumatised.
  663. "Bone apple tea, my dude."
  664. >You slam the door.
  665.  
  666. *
  667.  
  668. >By now, Pinkie's just slouched on the sofa next to your chair reading a comic book.
  669. "Does this Nightmare Night thing happen every year?"
  670. >"Uh huh."
  671. "Can I expect to be groped every time?"
  672. >"Uh huh."
  673. "Are you going to deliver the punchline to this bit before long? I want to go to bed and you're not sleeping with me."
  674. >Pinkie smirks at you. You didn't think she was the type to smirk, and now you feel betrayed by someone you thought was a sincere pony.
  675. >Something hard and heavy hits your front door three times.
  676. "If that's Luna she's not having the second fucking gnome."
  677. >You open the door and wish you hadn't.
  678. >The Grim Reaper looms before you, its shadow reaching over you, through you, and into your house.
  679. "Oh. This is for the bike chain thing, isn't it?"
  680. >The Reaper says nothing.
  681. >Then pulls her hood back.
  682. >"What bike chain thing," says Princess Celestia coolly.
  683. "Uh, nothing, I misspoke. Can I interest you in a garden gnome?"
  684. >Celestia scrutinises you for a moment, then puts her hood back up.
  685. >"I'm here undercover."
  686. "That's..."
  687. >You take in the clearly giant white pony wearing a black cloak that doesn't even cover her hooves, which are still bearing golden sollerets, and raise your eyes to the white horn protruding from the top of her head.
  688. "Yeah? Anyone see through your disguise yet?"
  689. >Celestia grins.
  690. >"Not a single soul. Not even the alluring blue pony in a trenchcoat I saw earlier. Now, listen to me, Anonymous, I've been hearing rumours..."
  691. >You pinch the bridge of your nose.
  692. "About what," you say with your eyes closed.
  693. >"I heard you were..."
  694. >Celestia looks over her shoulder.
  695. >"...Giving away free caviar and hummus."
  696. >You purse your lips.
  697. "I ran out. Sorry."
  698. >She narrows her eyes. "I didn't leave Canterlot just to be denied, Anonymous."
  699. "You're like... god, or something. Can't you make some up with a bit of hocus-pocus?"
  700. >"Hocus-pocus magic was banned six centuries ago for inciting the fourth mage war. No, I shall certainly -not- be doing that. If you cannot give me my caviar, I'm going to have to take alternative payment from you."
  701. "Payment for what? It's a public holiday, isn't it?"
  702. >"I want my fish eggs, ape."
  703. "I can give you a garden gnome."
  704. >"I'll take the gnome, but I want more."
  705. "What else can I give?"
  706. >Celestia smiles at you.
  707. >Just then, Pinkie appears at your side and prods your butt.
  708. >You look down at her.
  709. "Yeah?"
  710. >"Punchline."
  711. "What does that--"
  712.  
  713. *
  714.  
  715. >You're in your bed, trembling.
  716. >On your right, Pinkie Pie is snoozing, cuddled up against you.
  717. >On your left, Princess Celestia is drooling in your ear.
  718. >Nightmare Night.
  719. >What a fright.
  720.  
  721. ---
  722.  
  723. "Watch yourselves out there tonight. Nightmare Moon is on the prowl for human men."
  724. - Anonymous
  725.  
  726. >"I'm so sick of being single."
  727. "Stop being a whiny faggot, Timber."
  728. >Timber glares at you, but you ignore him.
  729. >Instead, you lean against the stone statue in the town cemetary and sip your beer, surveying the rows of low stones with adolescent disinterest.
  730. >You gesture at your friend with the glass bottle. It sloshes up and coats your fingers.
  731. "You're too obsessed with what mares think, that's your problem."
  732. >"So? I want a wife. Few kids. Maybe it's different where you're from, but out here stallions are expected to start families. I'm just... useless."
  733. "There you go again, being a whiny faggot."
  734. >"Fuck off, man, stop saying that."
  735. "I'll stop saying it when you stop being one. It's real easy, look."
  736. >He's sat on his haunches between two graves, staring miserably at a tombstone opposite him, his ears flattened against his cobalt mane.
  737. >Even so, he raises his frustrated expression again.
  738. "Just stand up. Go on, stand up. That's it. Now puff your chest out, make eye contact with me-- yeah, there, now say: 'I don't give a shit'."
  739. >"This is stupid."
  740. "Do it."
  741. >"I don't give a shit."
  742. "Say it like you mean it."
  743. >"I don't give a shit!" his voice cracks.
  744. "There you go. You're halfway there. See? Feels good, yeah? Don't you feel bigger, like you wanna break some shit? That's literally all you do. Just stop caring what mares think. You have your weird nerd hobbies and that's your call. Fuck what some girl thinks, if she doesn't like you, that's her problem."
  745. >"It's easy for you to say all this, you're human."
  746. "What's that supposed to mean?"
  747. >He turns his head away and snorts.
  748. >You step away from the statue, still clutching your beer. The world sways a bit.
  749. >The graveyard is empty save the two of you. You didn't used to come here, but one night you both realised it was a good place to shoot the breeze for a few hours after dark with no one around.
  750. "Got something to say?"
  751. >"You're a human. You've got... I don't know. Mares like whatever you've got."
  752. "I'm a lanky nineteen-year-old monkey and you're all horses, the fuck would I have that you don't? I don't do magic or fly."
  753. >"You're tall and..."
  754. "Yeah? What?"
  755. >He shrugs.
  756. >"And you don't give a shit."
  757. "Exactly!" you jab a finger at him. "And it's the lack of shit giving that's important, not being tall. Timber, man, I'm worried about you. You're getting so worked up about this shit but it's just not worth it. I get mares coming up to me all the time asking me shit, trying to get my attention..."
  758. >Timber glares away again, disgusted.
  759. "And I don't want it. I want a woman, man, not any of this freaky alien pussy, it's gross."
  760. >You swallow some beer. A third of it slops from your lips and down your chin.
  761. "No offense or nothing. Know you're trying to get up in there."
  762. >"Mares can be rough, you know. Some day they're gonna stop asking and just drag you off somewhere."
  763. "Like fucking hell they will, I'll go apeshit if they do. Fuck all these pony sluts, I don't give a fuck what they think."
  764. >"You've had too many of those."
  765. "Yeah? You've not had enough, come on, I'm not drinking this whole pack myself."
  766. >"I hate it, it tastes like gasoline."
  767. "I don't give a fuck about ponies. I don't give a fuck about anything. Not you, not the world, nothing. Why should I? I can never go home again anyway so what the fuck do I care what happens?"
  768. >You stride out into the open, away from the graves, and spread your arms wide.
  769. "I will stand here surrounded by the dead and declare it to the world."
  770. >"Anon, just... don't..." he looks away, embarrassed despite there being only the two of you out there.
  771. "Here I am, Equestria!" you shout at the cloudless night. "I'm a single man and I don't give a shit! Come and get me! I'm a young buck with no women to fuck!"
  772. >Your voice echoes. The wind picks up suddenly. A billowing draft rolls through the cemetary, carrying your voice off into space.
  773. >Timber shivers with the passing draft.
  774. >He's studying the six-pack you'd brought with you, stolen from your job at the corner store, lying on its side by the statue.
  775. >He shuffles his legs. Stands up and walks over to the pack, prods it with a hoof's edge. Then he cranes his neck back and peers up at the figure on the podium.
  776. >The baleful, petrified visage of Nightmare Moon glowers down at all within her shadow, her hatred clearly cast in the immaculate stonework.
  777. >"Look," Timber shakes his head and shivers again. "I'm tired and cold, I'm gonna go home. What do you..."
  778. >He turns to you.
  779. >"Anon?"
  780. >A bottle of beer rests on flattened grass in the shape of your shoe.
  781. >"Anon?" He raises his voice. "Yo, did you leave?" It cracks again.
  782. >He approaches the clearing and looks down at the bottle.
  783. >A defined trail of footsteps under the moonlight shows your path from the statue to the clearing.
  784. >But nothing else. No steps lead away from where you were.
  785. >"Anon?"
  786. >The wind rolls by again. Timber shivers. Previously unnoticed clouds drift across and smother the moon, darkening the lonely scene.
  787. >Timber backs away from the bottle. Looks again at the snarling features of the dread princess.
  788. >A flicker of moonlight illuminates her fanged smile.
  789. >He runs, never returning to the cemetary, and never again saying your name.
  790.  
  791. ---
  792.  
  793. "Nightmare Night Ends
  794. NNN Begins"
  795. - Anonymous
  796.  
  797. >The General goose-steps to the front of the audience, his hands clasped behind his back.
  798. >The hall is packed to heaving with men, most of them sweating from the heat, the rest from social proximity. The smell of sweat and fear is thick enough to taste. With every seat taken, those left unseated line the walls at the back or recline in the gangways between seating blocks, refusing to budge unless shoved aside.
  799. >The General stands to attention, clipping his heels with a snap so loud it wakes a few of the more slothful attendees with a start, but not all.
  800. >With a slow pan he takes in the room, glaring at each and every man in it.
  801. >"Alright, you vile, subhuman pieces of shit, wake up. Wake -up-, Simpkins!"
  802. >Simpkins, who you think is from /g/, snorts awake.
  803. >He blinks at the man in whose shadow he's slumped, the general now before him and leaning down, his moustache almost touching Simpkin's face.
  804. >"Huwha?" the sleepy man slurs, and the room chuckles for a second or two before an acidic look from the General shuts everyone up.
  805. >He swats Simpkins over the head with his crop and marches back to his stage.
  806. >"Halloween is over, gentlemen," he says gruffly, "which means only one thing."
  807. >"It's only 3 months 'til Crimmus," says the guy in front of you to another ripple of nervous laughter.
  808. >"No, you stupid bastard," spits the General, "that means it's November!"
  809. >On cue, a shaky slideshow whirs to life from an old, battered projector at the back.
  810. >A greyscale slide showing a man with no face proudly wearing a chastity belt flickers into view.
  811. >"As we're all aware, No Nut November is time-honoured tradition--"
  812. >"Actually," a guy you know for certain is from /his/ lazily raises a hand, "it's only been a thing since about 2010. Hardly long enough to be considered a tradition--"
  813. >His head rocks back from an orange hurled with bullseye precision from the General.
  814. >"The next smartass gets range-banned from life," he barks. "It's an ancient tradition by internet standards, and seeing as that's where we're all from I'd say it's one close to our fucking hearts. Of course, as nice as it would be to practice our culture in peace, the world beyond has other plans."
  815.  
  816. *
  817.  
  818. >"Alright, ponies, settle down, please! Thank you."
  819. >Princess Cadance smiles warmly at the assembled crowd.
  820. >A few ponies whisper, but quickly stop. Carts giving out tea and biscuits roll quietly up and down the neat aisles, the kindly mares pushing them beaming at all comers.
  821. >"Now, I'll try not to ramble, though many of you know how much I love a good speech!" the room laughs with the grinning Princess.
  822. >With a flick of her horn, a near-lifelike hologram blossoms to life in a glow of magic. It depicts a faceless man, his arms folded, glaring down at a weeping mare.
  823. >"The No Nut November period has now started, and the Anons of Humania will be doing their best to practise abstinence."
  824. >Whispers pass through the crowd like a breeze through a wheat field, and the Princess allows a moment of disquiet before motioning with her hoof.
  825. >"Of course, this is unfortunate news for the mares of Equestria, who have become used to the freely available services of men to scratch those itches our beloved stallions can't quite reach."
  826. >Nods in the crowd. Worried glances exchanged. Cadance's brow furrows.
  827. >"What's worse, this year, the November abstinence coincides with one of our bi-annual heat seasons, meaning we're looking at a whole month without being able to access our regular doses of manhood."
  828. >The crowd breaks out into frenzied shouts of horror.
  829. >By which I mean a few mares gasp and quickly apologise for making too much noise, but each and every pony in the room is thoroughly unsettled.
  830. >"Remain calm, ladies," Cadance says sternly. "I am your Princess of Love, and I've not been idle. In order to ensure the mares of Equestria don't lose their minds this month, I declare--"
  831.  
  832. *
  833.  
  834. >"The horses are galloping for your cummies, gentlemen, and they won't be merciful," the General grunts.
  835. >An Anon in the front row raises his hand.
  836. >"What," the General seems impatient.
  837. >"Yeah, hi, I'm from /an/. Why exactly is this a bad thing? Half the faggots in this room spend all year trying to get laid."
  838. >The General turns his head and hocks a wad of phlegm at the floor in disgust.
  839. >"I've never heard such bullshit. No man in this room has ever had sex with anything other than his hand, as well he should if he has any god damn self respect."
  840. >In a flurry, the General lunges at the Anon and holds a gleaming bowie knife to his throat.
  841. >"Or are you some kind of animal-fucker? You a furry, son? You like yiffing cubs, you walking abortion?
  842. >"Wh-what? Me? Of course not, sir--" the Anon is visibly sweating.
  843. >"Oh yeah? Who's your waifu?"
  844. >"I-It's Rei, I swear!"
  845. >"Rei?! You son of a bitch, I ought to kill you right now!"
  846. >He doesn't, much to the audible disappointment of all present, and the General returns to his slideshow.
  847. >"Let's be blunt. We're expecting a full-frontal pony offensive. Humania is a small island in vast ocean of pastel-coloured shit, and that shit's about to come crashing down on us from all sides. This information comes from our most valuable source. We need to be ready to protect our homeland and our homeboys from the coming storm."
  848. >"What if we all locked our doors?" says a voice from behind you.
  849. >The General nods.
  850. >"Whilst they've been effective in the past, the ponies have somehow discovered ways to bypass doors. Reports have come in from Anons working in nearby pony towns that sometimes mares will let themselves in using duplicated keys. Sometimes they pose as delivery drivers and trick Anons into opening their doors before jumping in. There've even been reports of ponies forcing their way into the houses beyond the town wall."
  851. >A rumble of discontent passes through the room.
  852. >"The fuck? Forcing themselves in? Can they do that?"
  853. >"It's true. A guy from /k/ had to go innawoods to escape."
  854. >"/k/fags -live- innawoods, that's nothing new."
  855. >"I heard a pony once came down the chimney."
  856. >"I heard one lived under the floorboards for a month like a Vietcong."
  857. >"Or a Jew."
  858. >"Shut up, /pol/."
  859. >"I keep saying it, man, they're in the fucking walls, they're watching our every move!"
  860. >"Take your meds, /x/, Jesus Christ."
  861. >"All right, all right! Shut up!" The General bellows. "We've all heard that house-entries are becoming more common. Fact is, we've been lazy. We've relied on front doors as the ultimate form of defence for so long the enemy has figured out ways to bypass them. We can't count on the ponies' innate politeness as a means of dismissing them anymore. With each passing day they're getting bolder, and they've gotten to the point now where many of them feel entitled to our superior monkey dicks. Worst of all, our best intelligence suggests this year's No Nut November will clash with the pony mating season. They're going to get worse, and we can't allow this to continue."
  862. >The General draws himself up to his full height.
  863. >"Gentlemen. I fear it's time we became violent."
  864.  
  865. *
  866.  
  867. >"Your average human male is between five to six feet tall. There's a lot of weight and muscle there, so if we're going to bring down a man safely, we'll need to attack in groups of three."
  868. >Cadance is gesturing at an anatomical hologram of a man using a levitating telescopic pointer.
  869. >"Many are ticklish here, here, and here, so we can use that to help incapacitate them and bring them down. Yes, Miss Heartstrings?"
  870. >"Can we use magic?"
  871. >"That was going to be my next point. We're prepared to allow magic users of sufficient skill and strength to operate in teams of two. I know many of you will be eager to prove yourselves in the coming weeks, but it's too dangerous to attempt to bring a man down on your own. Your fellow mares are there to support you, so please stick to the buddy system in all circumstances. If any of you are overwhelmed, your buddy will need to escort you back to safety where we can recuperate you."
  872. >A few ponies raise their hooves.
  873. >"Recuperation will involve soft drinks and doughnuts and ten minutes in a wet sauna - free of charge, before any of you ask."
  874. >The ponies lower their hooves, except for Rarity.
  875. >"Yes?" Cadance smiles at the seamstress.
  876. >"When can we expect to begin the operation, Princess? I must apologise for my hastiness, but I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to visit Humania to, ah, request the services of a man. As such, it's been several weeks and I fear I may start unravelling!"
  877. >Her immediate neighbours lay hooves on her in reassurance, muttering encouragement.
  878. >"I appreciate how difficult your situation must be, Rarity. I'm pleased to announce that we've been preparing this operation for some time, and we'll be ready to go tomorrow. You'll all have a program under your seats. Please report to the local expedition chapter listed there for your uniforms, group numbers, and supplies. Now, before we close, I'll go over the anatomy again since I know many of you are keen..."
  879.  
  880. *
  881.  
  882. >"Sir, has it ever been done before?"
  883. >It's someone from /b/, clearly a tourist. You roll your eyes.
  884. >This entire meeting has been a waste of time in your opinion. You've spent it with your arms folded, only half-listening to the discussion.
  885. >There's a bed at home calling your name and several gigabytes of gooning material you're intending to get back to.
  886. >Your door's been reinforced with locks and offensive signage that no pony would ever dream of crossing. You've got nothing to worry about.
  887. >The General tilts his head at the person speaking.
  888. >"In the past there've been several recorded instances of a man assaulting a pony, yes. Usually we'd frown on such behaviour, but we're about to enter times of extreme duress. In the interests of national and spiritual security, citizens of Humania are being given full permission to defend themselves with every available means."
  889. >"I'm not convinced," says a deep voice.
  890. >At the back, a robed figure with a huge beard stands and adopts a power stance. His thumbs are tucked in the waistband of his bathrobe, like he's in the CIA.
  891. >"This guy glows," mutters the Anon next to you.
  892. >"I'm from /r9k/. I'm thirty-two years old."
  893. >"Fuck, he's senile, too," the Anon mutters further.
  894. >"I've spent my life cultivating my wizard powers, and now we're facing our greatest ever threat. If I'm raped by a -- and I apologise for using this word -- 'Female'," he shudders, "I'll lose everything. A lifetime of careful study wasted in an instant. What assurances do I and my fellow wizards have that some pony won't take everything from us?"
  895. >Other robed and bearded Anons in the audience nod in agreement. A couple of them are giving the speaker dirty looks for saying the F-word.
  896. >"We're all aware of the threat to our chastity, wizardfag," the General says, "but I'm confident we can get through this. I myself hailed from /v/ before I was /k/. I was there during the Shazbowl and Gamergate. I know a thing to two about ad-hoc strategy and making shit up as I go along."
  897. >"So then what's the plan, retard?" shouts a voice.
  898. >The room descends into shit-flinging and the most dire racial epithets you've heard in a while.
  899. >One of the wizards throws a fireball at a guy.
  900. >You didn't even know they actually did magic, you thought they were LARPing.
  901. >Order is re-established after a time, and the General slaps his smouldering hat to get rid of the fire on it.
  902. >He jams it back on his head and smacks the projector display with his riding crop.
  903. >The slide turns over.
  904. >"This is our plan, newfags. Read it and weep."
  905. >The room leans forward and reads it in silence.
  906. >Many weep.
  907.  
  908. *
  909.  
  910. >A day later, teams of mares from several towns meet up in the Galloping Glade, a small town on the border of Humania.
  911. >All told, there are about two-hundred of them, dressed in clean pink uniforms bedecked in hearts that show they mean business.
  912. >Cadance looks out over the crowd and nods.
  913. >There will be similar bands gathering at other towns around the border, ready to charge in at once.
  914. >A register is conducted, and with all in attendance Cadance takes flight to hover above the assembled.
  915. >"Alright, ponies," she calls out over their heads. "In five minutes we'll begin. The other teams will converge on the humans' town around the same time, and with our numbers we'll overwhelm them. It's a simple pony-wave strategy used in many previous wars that's never failed us before. Remember what we discussed about not engaging without your buddies, and you will be satisfied by the end of the day. We're all going to make it, ladies!"
  916. >The crowd cheers and begins excitedly talking amongst itself.
  917. >Cadance watches her gold-chain timepiece with mounting nervousness.
  918. >A lot hinges on the humans not knowing what's coming, but she's certain they'll have been thrown off by the false information she instructed be planted.
  919. >She's told Ponyville put their best pony on the job -- a mare named Ditzy Doo -- and that there's no way anything could have gone wrong.
  920. >The second hand creeps towards the twelve on the clockface. Cadance's nerves mount as it does until with a thrill in her heart, her watch pings.
  921. >"Now, ponies!" Cadance shouts with the royal Canterlot voice. "With me! Follow me to glory!"
  922. >She flies ahead, crossing the border with two-hundred mares at her back.
  923. >The fields roll by. It's only a short distance to their destination, about fifteen minutes at a dead run. Rather than take the winding road through the plains, it was determined to be faster to gallop over them in a straight line.
  924. >Ponies, being natural plains-dwellers, excel at closing distances on such terrain.
  925. >The group crests a hill. In the vale below, nestled against the crook of a river, sits the only settlement in Humania: Cloverleaf. It's a circular town divided into four segments with four main gates serving as its only entrances.
  926. >Ringed by a respectably high wood and stone wall, every roof within the town is festooned with what the locals call 'solar panels', the mysterious shining blue plates apparently used to power their curious technology.
  927. >Curiouser still is the method by which the population retains its exclusively male demographic and even replenishes it, a method that remains unknown to Equestria.
  928. >Her mind wanders once more to the strange appearance of the humans overnight, many years ago, as well as their bizarre, quasi-religious caste system, but she doesn't dwell on it.
  929. >At almost the same time, distant crowds appear all around the vale, great dark pink masses converging on the isolated town.
  930. >The last count had roughly a thousand humans living there.
  931. >By Cadance's measure, she's brought six-thousand ponies.
  932. >Seeing the equine mass thundering across the plains, she worries now that there won't be enough men to go around, but that's a problem for later.
  933. >As the walls come closer, Cadance narrows her eyes.
  934. >She flies higher, seeing over the barricade to behold the streets. Empty streets.
  935. >Something doesn't sit well with her, it all appears too peaceful, but she has six-thousand desperate mares in motion, and reining them in at this point would be near impossible. Inertia is a stubborn force, especially when fuelled by estrus.
  936. >She looks down at her own pony platoon.
  937. >They've hit a level of arousal that's caused hearts to manifest in their eyes, a phenomenon specific only to ponies.
  938. >What's been started cannot be stopped, but Cadance can at least guide her ponies to victory.
  939. >She flies low, staying near to the ground, still slightly above and ahead of her vanguard.
  940. >But as she comes under the shadow of the wall, it all happens at once.
  941.  
  942. *
  943.  
  944. >"Dicks out for Harambe, boys!" the General roars in your earpiece. "CHARGE!"
  945. >From the concealed positions in your Vietcong-inspired dugouts, you and your fellow men burst like water from a dam.
  946. >The incoming horde of mares reels at your clearly unexpected appearance, those at the front coming to a scrambling halt, their peers at the back forcing them on heedless.
  947. >And as one, the men of Humania leap into the fray, meeting their eternal adversaries with secret weapons.
  948. >You swing your weapon at the head of the first mare you encounter, a minty-looking unicorn, and a look of stunned bewilderment crosses her features as the XXL dragon dildo knocks her tooth out.
  949. >For every man in the army now bears a super-sized dragon dildo, courtesy of overnight shipping via portal.
  950. >The ponies struggle to process the sudden aggression, many dropping to the ground in sheer fright, many more struggling to coordinate and fight back. Against the onslaught of frustrated single men channelling their social anxiety into misogynistic battle fervour, the ponies buckle.
  951. >Princess Cadance is above it all, yelling orders and using her magic to restrain many of your comrades, but there aren't enough free magic users and pegasi to take advantage of it.
  952. >You watch a man get tackled by an earth pony. He staggers back, but the pony is alone, so he's able to rip her off himself and use his bright-purple ribbed penis to bludgeon her.
  953. >Two ponies run at you, openly yelling their plan to each other, but a friend has your back and you quickly overpower them.
  954. >A few men are carried aloft by winged ponies, but they don't get far as many other men leap to grab onto the ascendant Anon's legs to drag him back down to earth.
  955. >You beat some terrified yellow and pink feathery mess into submission and stand straight, looking out across the battle.
  956. >It's a rout. Ponies are fleeing in every direction and dust hangs in the air as thick as the sounds of chaos. The few isolated men that are set upon by mares are in turn swarmed by Anons.
  957. >And at the crux of it all, Cadance flies too low.
  958. >A man grabs her, then another. She screams, shouts "No!", blasts three men clean off their feet with magic, and is wrestled to the grass.
  959. >A dozen men descend on her and batter her senseless with floppy weighted silicone replicas of dragon dicks.
  960. >The bodies of unconscious mares litter the battlefield, and around the wall of the town you're able to see, a great mass of ponies is rushing too and fro, unsure of itself as the humans stride amongst them sweeping at everything that moves with their dildos.
  961. >You nod.
  962. >The General wasn't full of shit after all.
  963.  
  964. *
  965.  
  966. >"I'm damned proud of you all, gentlemen. Damned proud."
  967. >You're all gathered in the centre of town, celebrating.
  968. >The General stands atop a wooden stage, pacing this way and that, energetically waving his hands, making fists and pointing at the sky like the spirit of the Fuhrer lives on in him.
  969. >You think he looks a bit gay doing so, but concede he's allowed a bit of LARPing for his victory.
  970. >"Yet this was only the first day. We've got a whole month of this to endure still, but endure we will. Plus, we've already bagged one of their leaders!"
  971. >The crowd yells and jeers at the pink pony chained to the stage.
  972. >Upon her horn is skewered a tennis ball -- a long-established method of dulling magic -- and the Princess of Love doesn't react to the wall of noise directed at her.
  973. >She seems broken, defeated. Good.
  974. >"She will remain our prisoner until this nightmare is over. On weekends we'll wheel her out so you can throw eggs at her, but not too many, we need those to eat. Even so..." he becomes morose, "this victory wasn't without its costs. On the south side of Cloverleaf, Delta Force suffered more than our other three units. We expected as much; there weren't as many of them over there, and there were more ponies gathered around that side than our intelligence suggested. They were outnumbered. Cut off. Yet they fought on like cornered lions until they were relieved by Charlie Force. We honour their sacrifices now."
  975. >He stands back, his cap taken off and held over his heart.
  976. >A /mu/ Anon comes forward on the stage and raises a bugle to his lips. There he plays the mournful reprise, Taps. You all hang your heads in silence as the thin tune echoes around the square.
  977. >Off to the side, away from the gathered crowd, a field hospital has been erected. Within, dozens of men lie shell-shocked, their dignities and chastity cruelly taken from them in the heat of battle.
  978. >Among their number is the bearded wizard from /r9k/, caught unawares by, some witnesses say, eight mares at once. His powers have abandoned him. They will never return.
  979. >"Such is life in this cruel world," the General says heavily. "A man must be aware of the dangers that face him every day in this Equestrian hell. Yet, we press forward because we must. We must hold to our traditions and culture, for they are what define us. We are humanity's bulwark in this land, and we must not give ground against the alien hordes."
  980. >Princess Cadance has raised her head and, despite her bruises and swollen lip, is giving him a look as if to say "Are you kidding me?"
  981. >"Good luck out there, gentlemen. No Nut November is a trial, but a necessary one. If you lean on your brothers, draw strength from their strength, you can make it through. God be with you."
  982.  
  983. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Xrlf3taEo [Embed]
  984.  
  985. ---
  986.  
  987. Someone likes making deals.
  988.  
  989. >A quiet week was the early warning sign.
  990. >Such a long time without any moves or molestations from your fellow Ponyvillians had your back up by the third day, and by the Sunday you were jumping at shadows.
  991. >Your paranoia had grown to the point where you were walking around the marketplace and park with a crowbar, the hand gripping it developing white knuckles when a mare walked by.
  992. >The stallions are no help. They made a token effort to hide you at the beginning, but they're outnumbered two-to-one in these parts, and most employers are mares.
  993. >It's a matriarchy on this horrid little planet, and you hate every day you have to live in it.
  994. >You were walking home with your shopping, feet moving faster as your abode drew nearer, when everything came to a head.
  995.  
  996. *
  997.  
  998. >"Hey Anon!" Pinkie Pie explodes from a nearby bin, a banana skin in her mane and ill-intent in her eyes.
  999. >You lunge away from her and hold your crowbar before you.
  1000. "Back. Back! Don't even try, Pinkie Pie."
  1001. >"Wow, that rhymed! I love rhymes! So does my sister Maud. Isn't that right, Maud?"
  1002. >"Yeah," says a voice right behind you.
  1003. >You jump again, thoughts racing. It should be impossible for a pony to sneak up on you so easily, yet there stands Maud Pie barely a foot from you.
  1004. >"I heard stallions like a mare that can tell jokes," she says as flatly as ever. "Would you like to hear one."
  1005. >She stares at you.
  1006. >Your eyes dart between her and Pinkie.
  1007. >Pinkie waits, elbows resting on the side of the bin, apparently happy to wait until her sister says her piece.
  1008. "...No?"
  1009. >"What's the difference between hyaloclastite sideromelane and basaltic trachyandesite?"
  1010. "I... have no idea."
  1011. >"The differences are profound and would take a very long time to explain. Please remain where you are standing."
  1012. >A net flops over you.
  1013. >"The joke is that there is no joke, and I would like to have intercourse with you," she concludes in monotone.
  1014. >"Hah! Classic! You're so funnny, Maud!" comes Pinkie from behind you.
  1015. >"I think you're supposed to restrain him now, Pinkie Pie," Maud comments.
  1016. >"Oh right, I knew I'd forgotten a step!"
  1017. >Pinkie grabs you.
  1018. >You thrash around, sweeping your crowbar before you to keep Maud away.
  1019. >She makes absolutely no effort to move, even as the bar brushes past her nose.
  1020. >You struggle and heave, making animal grows and any other noises that might unnerve your assailant, who isn't so much trying to restrain you than ride your shoulders and hoot like a cowboy riding a mechanical bull.
  1021. >But the net comes free, and so does Pinkie. You hold her at arm's length and almost consider bashing her with the crowbar, but you glance at Maud and decide it's not worth your life.
  1022. >Instead, you throw one pony at the other and run.
  1023. >Two sets of hooves beat behind you.
  1024. >Or rather, one set of steady hooves and one set of bouncing hooves.
  1025. >"This is great! It's so rare we get to spend time together these days."
  1026. >"I also enjoy our conversations, but I think we will have to save our breath and focus on restraining Anonymous."
  1027. >"What an incredible idea!"
  1028.  
  1029. *
  1030.  
  1031. >You lost them at some point -- you think somewhere around the Rare Minerals And Brightly Coloured Edibles shop on Bridle Street.
  1032. >A convenient store if ever there was one.
  1033. >You take two steps out of an alley when multiple pegasi collide with you.
  1034. >On your back, you stare up at several elated faces.
  1035. >"Good hustle, girls!" crows Rainbow Dash. "Now for the spoils!"
  1036. >"Um, could I maybe go first? Only if you're okay with it," says Fluttershy.
  1037. >Flitter, Cloudchaser, Blossomforth, and several other pegasi whose names you don't know, start bickering about who gets to go first.
  1038. >"I saw him first, so I should get him!" argues a mare you don't know.
  1039. >"It was my idea to ambush him here in the first place!" Rainbow shoots back.
  1040. >The argument escalates until someone throws a chair, and then it's chaos.
  1041. >Fluttershy drops to the ground, covers her head, clamps her eyes shut, and whimpers as her pegasus sisters brawl over you.
  1042. >You do a convincing army-crawl out of the melee and run again.
  1043. >Your crowbar is gone, and the shopping long forgotten.
  1044. >Good. They were weighing you down. One two legs you're the fastest thing in town.
  1045. >Is what you'd be saying if Applejack wasn't currently keeping happy pace with you.
  1046. >"Howdy!" she grins at you.
  1047. "Not you too," you say sadly, still hauling ass down the street.
  1048. >"Aw shucks, you know I'm not gonna pass up the opportunity for a bit of rough-housing, Anon. How about you and me go back to the farm and spend some alone-time with each other?"
  1049. "How about--"
  1050. >You don't finish. You're dragged off your feet and pulled diagonally upwards by an unseen force.
  1051. >You find yourself dangling by your ankle, upside-down over the lip of a flat-top roof.
  1052. >"And that's how you fish for a man, ladies!" says a cultured voice.
  1053. >You rotate enough in the air to see who it is.
  1054. >Rarity laughs middle-classishly, and her associate unicorns, all gathered on the roof with sun loungers and an inflatable paddling pool, laugh too.
  1055. >"Why spend all that effort running around when we can simply use our talents to snap up our target when he draws close? Work smarter, not harder."
  1056. >The unicorns titter, and their combined magics start tugging your clothes off.
  1057. >One of them gets your shoe.
  1058. "You can't do this, I have rights!"
  1059. >The titters become full-on laughs, and the sound of conjoined feminine laughter directed at you gives you flashbacks to college.
  1060. >"Let's get those silly clothes off," Rarity says. "It's time we got what we were owed!"
  1061. >Her magical aura gets to work on your shirt buttons, and she undoes the third one down before something orange dropkicks her into the pool.
  1062. >Applejack, having clambered up the side of the house, fumes at the dozen-or-so unicorns around her.
  1063. >"Applejack?" Twilight Sparkle blurts. "We're on the same team!"
  1064. >"Like hell we are! I've been trying to get that man in wedlock with me for longer than any of ya'll!"
  1065. >"But, the plan!"
  1066. >"Nuts to the plan, I'll take you all on!"
  1067. >Applejack hurls herself into the group and things start exploding.
  1068. >Errants bolts of panicked magic blast chunks out of the roof, and a smokescreen soon forms that gives you the cover to escape.
  1069. >You spare one last look at Applejack, strangling Lyra with a lasso whilst gripping Twilight in a headlock and trying to yank the mane out of Amethyst Star using her teeth.
  1070. >It's enough to bring a tear to your eye, though that might be the smoke.
  1071. >You all but fall off the side of the house and land in a dumpster.
  1072. >Ponyville has gone mad and there's nowhere to hide.
  1073. >So what else can you do?
  1074. >You grip the lid of the dumpster and slam it shut over you.
  1075. >You wriggle and squirm deeper into garbage, the darkness and the filth consuming you fully.
  1076. >There in the muck you wait, distant explosions above telling of Applejack's battle.
  1077. "This sucks so much dick it's unreal," you say to a discarded, stained, fluffy toy, lying on its side.
  1078. >"Indeed it does," says the toy.
  1079. "What."
  1080. >The toy, a teddy bear with one eye, grins with a stitched mouth at you, but otherwise remains still as its mouth moves.
  1081. >The black bead eye develops a golden sheen, becoming the sole source of light in the filth.
  1082. >"What to do, what to do?" its voice is melodious; regal. "Very undignified for a man of your stature to be reduced to this."
  1083. "Is that you, Satan?"
  1084. >"Do you enjoy your life, Anonymous?"
  1085. "Not really. I think I'm sitting on a used diaper."
  1086. >"Wouldn't you rather be living in the lap of luxury?"
  1087. "Sounds pretty good right now, I won't lie. Is this the part where you ask for my soul?"
  1088. >"Soul? Heavens, what would I do with a soul?" the teddy bear says. "What about your hand in marriage? Would you be willing to do that?"
  1089. "I've never married a teddy bear before."
  1090. >"It's an amusing vessel, but I myself am quite a bit more substantive than a stuffed toy."
  1091. "I'm waiting for you to drag me to Hell."
  1092. >"I can't offer you Hell, but how about this?"
  1093. >The golden eye shines like a sun, and your vision becomes white.
  1094. >Before you, you see a feast set on a balcony overlooking a glade. Pillows serve as seats. A warm breeze brushes past the gossamer drapes and caresses you.
  1095. >"Would you not prefer this to lying in darkness and decay? Fearing for your safety day by day?"
  1096. "You make one hell of a deal. All I'd need to do is marry you?"
  1097. >"Such a simple thing, no? An eternity of bliss, and all I'd need from you is your simple consent."
  1098. >A huge explosion outside rocks the dumpster, and what you assume is brickwork from the house lands on the dumpster with a hellish bang.
  1099. >"Time is running out. They'll find you soon. They can smell you."
  1100. "Well, Satan, you're creepy as shit, but I'll take cushions and grapes over whatever the fuck this is. Promise this isn't a play for my soul?"
  1101. >"I promise, with every ounce of my honour, that I do not want your soul. Only your companionship."
  1102. "Fuck it. Deal."
  1103. >The teddy bear's grin stretches so wide its stitches split.
  1104. >"What a wonderful day this has been."
  1105. >Its eye shines again. Bright, brighter, until you feel weightless.
  1106. >And vanish.
  1107.  
  1108. *
  1109.  
  1110. >You appear before a feast; set on a balcony, overlooking a glade.
  1111. >Before you comment, you lift an arm and sniff yourself. You almost gag.
  1112. >"A foul smell, I must admit, but we can do something about that," says the same voice.
  1113. >In a rush of golden wind you find yourself naked and spotless.
  1114. >Your hands rush to cover your shame and you turn.
  1115. "Ah. Shit."
  1116. >Princess Celestia beams at you.
  1117. >"Thank you for accepting my proposal. Better here than down there, wouldn't you say?"
  1118. "That was manipulative and immoral."
  1119. >"Oh, don't say things like that, it'll get us off to a bad start in our marriage."
  1120. "I fully intend to divorce you as soon as I can."
  1121. >"Ah ah ah, you gave me your consent for eternal companionship. Magical contracts are not so easily broken."
  1122. >A scroll of pure light appears by her head with two signatures on the bottom. The one beneath hers being your own recognisable scribble.
  1123. >...
  1124. "Fffuck."
  1125. >She laughs deep in her chest.
  1126. >"I've always wanted my own little boy-toy prince. I hope you're able to keep up, but we have an eternity to work on that."
  1127.  
  1128. ---
  1129.  
  1130. "where are the actual rape greentexts?"
  1131. - Anonymous
  1132.  
  1133. >Around lunchtime, Fluttershy knocks on your door.
  1134. >"Is eldritch, world-ending magic your fetish?"
  1135. "Nope."
  1136. >"Thank goodness; I'm not very good at that sort of thing."
  1137. >She puffs out her cheeks.
  1138. >"So... want to get milkshakes?"
  1139.  
  1140. *
  1141.  
  1142. "But what I don't get is that she uses real magic to do fake magic."
  1143. >Fluttershy sips her milkshake (her usual strawberry cheesecake blend) and absently kicks her back legs.
  1144. >They dangle off the edge of the wooden decking at the rear of the milkshake joint, an outdoor seating area where a few ponies are chattering and enjoying the sun.
  1145. >"I... suppose that is what she does, yes."
  1146. "But -why-?"
  1147. >"I don't think anyone really knows why Trixie does anything."
  1148. >You sip your own 'shake. Fluttershy suggested banana cream, and you definitely don't hate it.
  1149. >A short silence becomes several minutes, but neither of you mind.
  1150. >You're content to sit side-by-side watching the world go by.
  1151. >"Please can I borrow your hedge trimmers?" she asks unprompted.
  1152. "Sure. They're in the shed, take them whenever."
  1153. >She gives you a nod and another long silence begins.
  1154. >As you sit with your thighs lightly pressed against Fluttershy's sitting rump, you come to the abrupt realisation that you're entirely happy.
  1155. >You reflect on that for a while.
  1156. >Fluttershy doesn't interrupt you. She's not even looking your way -- seemingly distracted by a family of ducks waddling around near an unkempt pond.
  1157. >You'll have been in Ponyville for seven years now. The antagonism between you and your apparent best friend long since passed.
  1158. >Casually, you rest a hand on Fluttershy's head, right between her ears, which flick around at the sudden contact.
  1159. >She turns to give you a quizzical look.
  1160. >You bring the hand down her mane in a long, slow stroke. Then, you do it again a few times before returning your hand to your lap.
  1161. >"What was that?" she says after a beat.
  1162. "Just felt like it."
  1163. >She huffs. "I'm getting a lot of mixed signals from you lately."
  1164. "Don't think about it too hard, butterball."
  1165. >"How's the banana cream?"
  1166. "It's great, thanks."
  1167. >"I've got my own banana cream if you want any," she says in a low tone.
  1168. >You stop mid-sip and pull the straw from your lips in slow revulsion.
  1169. "Thanks for ruining it, Fluttershy."
  1170. >She smiles sweetly and goes back to watching the ducks.
  1171. >At some point you give her your unfinished drink and she slurps it down whilst making eye contact with you.
  1172. >You call her weird, lightly bop her on the shoulder, and decide to head out.
  1173.  
  1174. *
  1175.  
  1176. >You're walking her back to her cottage when she drifts nearer and bumps your legs.
  1177. "What's up?"
  1178. >"I have a random dark question."
  1179. "These are always fun. Go on."
  1180. >"What would you do if I raped you?"
  1181. >You don't stop walking, carrying on as normally as you were.
  1182. "Hell, Floot. What level of rape are we talking here: rough sex or the full back-alley experience?"
  1183. >"Full back-alley. The blood and bruises kind. No kinkiness, just power and violence."
  1184. "As a hypothetical, right?"
  1185. >She flashes you a grin.
  1186. "Do your friends know we have these sorts of conversations?"
  1187. >"No, and you're not going to tell them or else I'll rape you."
  1188. >You snort and bump her with your own leg good-naturedly.
  1189. "You're the Element of Kindness, I don't think you have it in you."
  1190. >"Suppose I did?"
  1191. "I guess I'd fight back."
  1192. >"What if I hit you in the head with a bat?"
  1193. "Then I'd probably be dead."
  1194. >"You think so?"
  1195. "Head trauma's no joke, especially if you come at me from behind, and I don't think you're into necrophilia."
  1196. >"No... are you?"
  1197. "Floot."
  1198. >"Just checking. Okay, so how -could- I rape you?"
  1199. "You're a big girl, you've got enough weight to tackle me."
  1200. >She nods slowly, then pauses and shoots you a look.
  1201. "I'm not calling you fat, though you did have one and a half milkshakes back there."
  1202. >"That's grounds for a raping."
  1203. "Maybe you could tackle me, but I'd be fighting you every second of it."
  1204. >"Would you hurt me?"
  1205. "If you're attacking me I'll assume all cards are on the table."
  1206. >She walks on for a while, quiet.
  1207. >"I've never been hit before," she says at last.
  1208. "Really? Not even on an adventure?"
  1209. >"No. I've had magic aimed at me, and I've fallen off clouds and run into stuff... but I've never had anyone just... hit me."
  1210. "Wanna do it?"
  1211. >You both come to a stop in a wooded area before her home. It's just past the bend, there's a sleek mossy rock that's a good marker.
  1212. >"What do you mean? Punch me?"
  1213. "Sure."
  1214. >She frowns; looks unsure.
  1215. >"I-I don't know, it'll hurt."
  1216. "Sure it would, that's why people punch each other."
  1217. >Fluttershy chews her lip.
  1218. >"Only if I get to punch you back."
  1219. >You eye her hooves. That keratin could be painful.
  1220. "No, you're right, it's a stupid idea. Let's forget about it," you move to approach her house.
  1221. >"Wait."
  1222. >She's stepping in place, clearly nervous.
  1223. >"Do it. Punch me."
  1224. "Come on, Floot, I'm not gonna punch you."
  1225. >"I want you to do it," she's nodding, breathing quickly and psyching herself up. Soon she's doing little bounces in place with a determined expression. "Hit me as hard as you can."
  1226. "I don't want to."
  1227. >"Just once, then we can forget about it. Promise."
  1228. >You put your hands in your pockets. Turn in place to survey the woods and check for any watchers. You take your hands back out again and squeeze your fingers into fists, flexing them.
  1229. "You sure? Really sure?"
  1230. >She nods a few times.
  1231. >"Hurry, before I back out."
  1232. >You approach her. She's breathing quickly and shallowly, muttering to herself.
  1233. >"Ready. Do it!"
  1234. >You reach back, giving her plenty of time to wimp out and say no.
  1235. >She doesn't. She tenses, but holds her eyes on you, glaring and hyperventilating.
  1236. >You hold your fist in the air, aware of how silly you must look.
  1237. >And then you...
  1238. >Well. Punch her.
  1239. >Your balled fist slams into her cheek and she reels to the side. She loses her balance, her hooves scrambling beneath her, and she collapses onto the grass by the side of the path.
  1240. >She blinks, stunned. All over she's trembling, hooves unsure if they should be trying to stand her up or stay curled against her body.
  1241. >"Wow," she breathes. Tears well in her eyes and run channelled down the creases on her face. "That -hurt-!"
  1242. "Yeah, I'll bet," you're kneeling beside her, stroking her face with a hand and frowning. "I wish I hadn't done that. I'm sorry, Fluttershy."
  1243. >"I'm not."
  1244. >Your brow raises.
  1245. >"That was... cool! A real punch, like in the movies!"
  1246. "Well, not -exactly- like that, it was a bit less cinematic."
  1247. >"But I really felt it! It was like... pow!"
  1248. >She rubs her cheek, moving her jaw like she's trying to yawn.
  1249. >"That -really- hurts!"
  1250. "Yeah? Agree never to do it again?"
  1251. >She's grinning, which you're happy to see instead of her crying, but you're taken aback. This wasn't the reaction you were expecting.
  1252. >"Can I punch you now?"
  1253. "Hah, well, hold on, let's not--"
  1254. >Stars.
  1255. >Spots and stars flash across your vision as your world reels and you find yourself suddenly slumped across the verge as well.
  1256. >Fluttershy is stood over you, covering her mouth.
  1257. >"Anon! No no no, I didn't mean to do it that hard! Are you, oh... ohh."
  1258. >She sways, goes pale.
  1259. >Your fingers touch the ridge of your skull, above your left eye, where she struck you. They come away warm and red.
  1260. >Blood streaks from the cut where a sharp edge of her hoof keratin tore the skin.
  1261. >Fluttershy still sways, her queasy expression locked onto where your blood is coming down your face.
  1262. >"Anon, I don't feel good."
  1263. "Yeah?" you manage, clenching your eyes shut and opening them again to try and relieve the spots and throbbing vision. A dull pain like your head's in a vice is throbbing across your skull from one ear to the other. "Maybe I should hit you again to even the score a bit."
  1264. >Fluttershy stares, then turns and vomits into a bush.
  1265. >You watch her from where you are, sat in an awkward position and frequently touching your cut with a tentative finger.
  1266. "Fuck me, that hurts."
  1267. >She spits out bile and pulls her head back from the bush, the ordinarily graceful pony shivering and wretched with vomitous smear on her chin. "Are you going to die?"
  1268. "Nah, but it'll sting for a while. Will need to wash the cut and stick some gauze over it at the very least. Mind if I use your bathroom?"
  1269. >She nods dumbly, and you help each other stagger the last stretch to her house.
  1270.  
  1271. *
  1272.  
  1273. >You're cleaned up and feeling much better, though the cut still throbs and will do for a while.
  1274. >Fluttershy sits on the edge of her bed, looking sorry for herself.
  1275. >"I'm sorry," she says miserably as you emerge from her en suite. "I don't know my own strength."
  1276. "Floot, it's fine, don't worry. I brought it up to begin with, it's on me."
  1277. >"But you went down so quickly, and there was blood so I thought..."
  1278. >You sit beside her, throw an arm around her shoulders, and pull her in for a firm side-hug.
  1279. "It's fine, trust me."
  1280. >She leans into the hug and deflates somewhat.
  1281. >"You went down so... quickly. I didn't think it would be like that. I always thought you were, you know. Tough."
  1282. "Hah, humans are more about brain than brawn, you know that."
  1283. >"And you didn't die."
  1284. "No? Clearly, unless I'm a zombie right now," you laugh.
  1285. >She's quiet.
  1286. >But then, something changes.
  1287. >She sits up straighter.
  1288. >She turns herself to you, a strange look in her eye.
  1289. >Fluttershy watches you closely, searching your face, studying your details.
  1290. >A small, detached smile curls on her lips.
  1291. >"It really was that easy to take you down, wasn't it."
  1292. >Your arm is still around her, and you don't remove it as your own smile fades.
  1293. >She's relaxed. Unusually so.
  1294. "What's..."
  1295. >"If I raped you, I don't think you could stop me."
  1296. >You stare at each other.
  1297. >In that moment, the birds outside either fall silent or are no longer heard.
  1298. >There's no noise in the room, just the steady breathing of its two occupants.
  1299. >Man watches pony, and pony watches man.
  1300. >Both very closely.
  1301. >Both with building adrenaline.
  1302. >A tension forms.
  1303. >Seven years of intimate knowledge of each-other's capabilities are being rapidly reassessed and remeasured on both sides.
  1304. >You have reach. She has strength. You are taller. She has a lower centre of gravity.
  1305. "Fluttershy," you say calmly.
  1306. >Then she is upon you.
  1307. >Fluttershy forces her lips against yours. She throws her hooves around your neck and presses against you bodily.
  1308. >In your positions on the bed, she has the advantage, and she presses you back against the mattress, sitting on your stomach so as to pin you with her weight.
  1309. >Her tongue writhes against your closed teeth, and you keep them gritted as you grab and heave her to the side, breaking the kiss.
  1310. >She wrestles you back the other way, and for a minute the two of you are locked in a struggle.
  1311. >All over your body you feel a hot flush, sweat building on every inch of you as your entire musculature is called to sudden, drastic action.
  1312. >She pants in turn, her eyes narrowed nearly to slits, moist breath against your face.
  1313. >At one point you roll her over, but she scrambles to get back on top and once more forces your mouths together.
  1314. >With her front hooves she grips your shirt and pulls it apart.
  1315. >Buttons pop and fabric tears. You shout and shove her as hard as you can.
  1316. >She shoves you back, and her harder hooves hurt a lot more.
  1317. "Fluttershy just-- fuck off!"
  1318. >You punch her in the ribs. A Rubicon is crossed.
  1319. >She retaliates.
  1320. >One moment she's trying to wrestle with you, the next she's thrashing at you like a wild animal.
  1321. >Her hooves strike and score you all over. She lunges for your shoulder, clamping on with her teeth and clenching.
  1322. >Your shout becomes a scream.
  1323. >Your hands find her head, thumbs find her eyes, and you press them in, hard.
  1324. >Fluttershy shrieks and releases you instantly, scrambling away from you and holding a hoof over clenched eyes.
  1325. >You move to get as far away as you can, intent on getting downstairs and out the door, but she looses a roar of a kind you could never have imagined her making.
  1326. >"No! It's been too long!"
  1327. >She's on you again, and this time she draws back and crashes your foreheads together.
  1328. >Once more you're seeing stars, stunned.
  1329. >Her skull is apparently thicker than yours, as she recovers far sooner.
  1330. >You're tired and dazed, sore all over and bleeding from your shoulder.
  1331. >Fluttershy rips away your shirt and snarls as she wrenches off your pants.
  1332. >You try pushing her away, but you're weak, suddenly lethargic. She shrugs off your efforts and, her work done, stands above you on all fours.
  1333. >She pants, her eyes reddened and bloodshot but still very much able to see what lies before her.
  1334. >Naked, bruised, and bleeding; you're on her bed, hands protectively held above your face, lower body turned slightly as if expecting further blows.
  1335. "Flutters--"
  1336. >"Shut up. Shut up, or I'll... I'll hurt you again."
  1337. >You nod. She smiles in a way she's never smiled before.
  1338. >"That's it. Open your legs. We're doing this my way, no more mixed signals, no more stupid dates and guessing"
  1339. >You do as she asks but turn, closing your eyes.
  1340. >She tugs your chin back towards her.
  1341. >"Open your eyes. LOOK at me when I'm touching you!"
  1342. >She slaps you. Punches you in the sternum and you wheeze.
  1343. "Please--"
  1344. >Another hard slap, hard enough to jar your neck and throw your head over to the other side.
  1345. >"I said don't talk!"
  1346. >She presses the frog of her hoof against your genitals and rubs. It hurts; she catches your testicles and you wince, moaning and shaking your head.
  1347. >She ignores this, eyes darting between her own rotating hoof and your agonised expression with a peculiar look of wonder.
  1348. >"See? Wasn't this easy? Always was, hah. Just do what I say and we can have a lot of fun together. Doesn't that feel good? Look, you're getting hard, you must be enjoying this."
  1349. "Please," you whisper. She punches you in the ribs. The edge of her hoof catches your skin again and it splits. More blood spots her mangled bedspread. Fire burns in every open wound.
  1350. >"You're loving this. Feel how hard you are, do you like mares dominating you? Is this your fetish? It must be."
  1351. >She positions herself over you.
  1352. >"Unless you're going to say something nice, don't you dare talk. Just stay where you are."
  1353. >Her sopping entrance meets your cock and you're forced in. She hisses, back legs trembling. A deranged laugh bursts from her mouth and then she's laughing hysterically.
  1354. >"Fin-- finally! Finally finally finally! I've done it! We've done it! Oh Anon, Anon!"
  1355. >She's bouncing in an uncomfortable, unnatural way. She's inexperienced and unsure of what exactly she's doing, but all she cares about is that your cock is inside her and she's feeling a euphoria she never dared imagine.
  1356. >The mare rises and falls as you lay there despondently, watching her. A sensation seizes you like watching through a window in time. The man on the bed isn't you, and Fluttershy isn't herself. It's a perverted film you have no part in, yet you're fully conscious that you do.
  1357. >Her face and muzzle are smeared with reddish brown. Her eyes are shot and mane wild with sweat and exertion.
  1358. >There is no trace of the soft-spoken friend you shared a milkshake with.
  1359. >You try closing your eyes again.
  1360. >You don't want your memories of her to be corrupted forever by what you're seeing, but when you try to block out the world she forces your eyes open with more blows to your body.
  1361. >She rides you until you climax. It comes on suddenly and without fanfare, and she only stops when she realises you're shooting loads into her. Disgust and shame fight for dominance and you feel sicker than you did when she punched you.
  1362. >"Our first orgasms. Did it feel good?"
  1363. >You don't answer her.
  1364. >She looks down on you pitilessly.
  1365. >"I love you."
  1366. >There's an unfeeling hardness in her voice. She moves away and drifts into the bathroom, where she stares at herself in the mirror for a long time, touching her face and staring without any expression. She touches her mane and leans in closer, her lips nearly touching the reflection, and still she doesn't emote, just stares and stares and stares.
  1367. >You still don't answer. You only close your eyes and sob as quietly as you can as her gentle smile fades from your mind.
  1368.  
  1369. ---
  1370.  
  1371. Twilight is a good friend.
  1372.  
  1373. >Twilight Sparkle is about to tear a book in two.
  1374. >Someone knocks on the library's locked front door. Spike knows not to answer it.
  1375. >Twilight is hunched over, glaring at the pages, eyes not moving over the words and instead fixated on the gutter.
  1376. >She doesn't move from her position, sat silently seething.
  1377. >Someone knocks on a downstairs window.
  1378. >Twilight has maintained this position for the last ten minutes, shortly after the knocking started.
  1379. >Someone knocks on first-storey window.
  1380. >"Twilight? Can you hear me?"
  1381. >More knocks.
  1382. >"Twilight? Are you reading? Can you hear me knocking? Twilight?"
  1383. >Twilight sucks in a long, deep breath and holds it.
  1384. >A few seconds of silence. She still doesn't look up from her book.
  1385. >And then, quite abruptly, she does.
  1386. "Oh no."
  1387. >"Twilight!" The voice is right behind her. "I'm sorry for coming inside, but I saw your balcony window was open and thought you might have left it open for me."
  1388. >Twilight clenches her eyes shut and curses herself.
  1389. >"Are you okay?"
  1390. >Twilight turns to her friend.
  1391. "Good... morning. Fluttershy," she says haltingly.
  1392. >"Hello... am I interrupting you? If so, I'm sorry."
  1393. "Yes, actually, you are. I'm in the middle of very important research for the Princess and need to get it finished."
  1394. >She doesn't show Fluttershy the book, and is banking on her not trying to read it, as it's actually an adventure story about a talking pumpkin.
  1395. >"I'm sorry," she looks apologetic enough, but Twilight's found that's how she gets you. "But this is really important, I need your help with--"
  1396. "Is there a magical emergency?"
  1397. >"Not really... but I--"
  1398. "Is one of your animal friends in trouble?"
  1399. >"No."
  1400. "One of -our- friends?"
  1401. >"Not exactly..."
  1402. "Then I suppose I won't be much help, haha! Sorry, Fluttershy, I'll just be here reading if you need anything magic-related."
  1403. >"Please could you explain to me what hydrophilia is?"
  1404. >Twilight's right eyelid involuntarily twitches.
  1405. >She read recently that it's often caused by stress, tiredness, or certain medicines. Her body's been showing a lot of unusual symptoms lately.
  1406. >'I can't imagine why I might be feeling stressed,' she thinks as she looks rigidly at Fluttershy.
  1407. >Her eyelid twitches again.
  1408. "Hydrophilia would be having a certain affinity for water."
  1409. >"Oh. Does it not have anything to do with sex?"
  1410. "No, Fluttershy. No it does not."
  1411. >"Okay... I was hoping it did, then I could use it with--"
  1412. "Anon? You want to work it into a thing with Anon? Is that what you were going to say?"
  1413. >"Yes, actually! Can you think of anything else I could use? I know you're always really busy, but I can't think of anyone else I could trust with this sort of thing. I don't really want to tell any of the others because I'm afraid they'll laugh at me... but you never laugh at me, Twilight. You always listen, and that's why you're maybe my best friend in the whole world."
  1414. >Fluttershy beams at Twilight with naked adoration.
  1415. >Twilight thinks about murder for the eighth time that week.
  1416. "Maybe you should give it a rest with Anon. It's been a long time, with zero progress, hasn't it? Say, did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?"
  1417. >"It's not been that long. Only nine months, three weeks, two days and... four hours."
  1418. "Really! Wow, a blink of an eye. Well, as I said, I'm very busy with important pumpkin research, so I'm afraid I won't be able to help you today--"
  1419. >"Do you think there's a book in here we can look at together to help me? I think I might be onto something with water, but I don't know if Anon likes water... do you know if humans like water?"
  1420. "I have literally no idea he's legitimately the only human that has ever existed in Equestria-- WHY, would I know if humans like water?" something like mania was almost creeping into her voice there, but she managed to contain it (this time).
  1421. >Her eye twitches.
  1422. >"Oh... well, you're really smart so I thought you might know."
  1423. >Twilight purses her lips so hard she fears she may pull a muscle.
  1424. "Have you tried asking him?"
  1425. >"That's a really good idea, but he doesn't like talking to me very much... he sort of runs away whenever I get close these days."
  1426. "I wonder why."
  1427. >"So is there a book?"
  1428. "I don't think giving you a book would be a good idea. I don't think enabling you is a good idea."
  1429. >"But what if--"
  1430. >"Yo Twi, you in here?"
  1431. >Fluttershy's pupils shrink and she begins breathing very fast.
  1432. >"I-is that him? Oh goodness, I have to hide! I'm not ready!"
  1433. >Twilight offers no comment. Twilight doesn't want to enable her. Twilight doesn't want to enable any of this.
  1434. >Fluttershy scrambles up a nearby bookshelf, several items getting knocked loose and falling to the floor -- further intensifying Twilight's neurotic complex -- and curls into a ball on top of it behind a low wall of books that couldn't fit on the shelves.
  1435. >Twilight watches the obvious trembling pink blob with a neutral expression. Instead of commenting, she turns her head to her bedroom door in time to see a man emerge from it.
  1436. >"Sorry," he jerks a thumb back over his shoulder, "the front door is locked and I figured your balcony might be open."
  1437. "Did you climb up?"
  1438. >"Yeah," he waggles his fingers. "You know, monkey."
  1439. >He sniffs and walks in, trying to look casual.
  1440. >"You uh... got any books on... poison?"
  1441. >Twilight stares at him.
  1442. >"You know, just out of curiosity."
  1443. >Her machine mind weighs pros and cons.
  1444. >"I wanted to, um, work on a project--"
  1445. "Downstairs, on the right, second bookshelf from the kitchen. Grey tome, gold spinal lettering, Yorrick's Remedial Maladies, second edition. Chapter four, pages sixty through ninety-two, pay close attention to the footnotes and refer to the table in the glossary for further details and a cheat-sheet on assembly and components. Ask Spike for the key to the restricted chest and have him check out Yorrick's Supplementary Guide To Unaliving as well, then say I'm allowing you to keep both indefinitely. Don't return either of them until you've exhausted all options."
  1446. >Anon blinks a few times.
  1447. >"That's... yeah, okay, thanks."
  1448. "Good luck, have fun, get out."
  1449. >"Right, yeah, sure. Thanks agai--"
  1450. "Out. Out out out. Now."
  1451. >Twilight levitates Zecora's gifted ornamental spear off the wall and holds it trembling by her arcane grip.
  1452. "NOW!"
  1453. >Anon trips over his feet running downstairs a second before Twilight launches it at him.
  1454. >Then she turns it on the pair of huge blue eyes watching her over a low wall of books atop a shelf.
  1455. "And you."
  1456. >"Has Anon always been into poison? Is that his feti--EEP!"
  1457. >The spear buries itself into the wall just beside her head and she scrambles for the balcony window.
  1458. >"I'm sorry! I'll let you get back to your pumpkins! Sorry, Twilight!"
  1459. >Hurried wing-flaps tell of her departure, and Twilight once more finds herself surrounded by peace and quiet.
  1460. >She takes in a deep breath, holds it, and lets it out again.
  1461. >Then turns the page in her book and allows a strained smile.
  1462. >Pumpkins are nice.
  1463. >Talking pumpkins especially.
  1464. >They don't do strange things, like ask her for advice on how to cure rectal prolapse. Or whether humans like slave roleplay. Or what the secret to a man's crotch is.
  1465. >Twilight has read fifty-six children's stories in the last two weeks.
  1466. >But all the childhood whimsy in the world can't seem to solve her predicament.
  1467. >She turns the page.
  1468. "Heh, Pumparella, you can't go to the ball dressed like that..."
  1469. >Perhaps Anonymous can.
  1470. >Whoops, did she enable him? What a terrible mistake. She'll have to make a note to do better next time.
  1471. >She turns the page. Her eye twitches.
  1472.  
  1473. ---
  1474.  
  1475. Gimmer is very smart.
  1476.  
  1477. >The door to the Castle of Friendship's map room slams shut. A click tells of it being locked.
  1478. >Onto the map itself jumps Starlight Glimmer, victory written in her eyes and manic grin.
  1479. >"And the prey blunders into the trap!" she announces.
  1480. >You blink slowly at her, then nudge Fluttershy.
  1481. "You uh. You invited us here."
  1482. >"She smells kind of funny," Fluttershy whispers. "Like stale yoghurt. I don't think she's been showering."
  1483. >"I can hear you, Fluttershy," Glimmer says, far less enthused.
  1484. >"Sorry..."
  1485. >You step forward with your arms outstretched.
  1486. "So what's new, Glimglam? Got any whack-ass magic cooked up for us? Twilight became significantly less fun when she became royalty, so I'm banking on you bringing the excitement from now on. Don't let me down. Give us the really crazy shit."
  1487. >"Oh, I'll give you crazy, Anon. I'll give -both- of you crazy!"
  1488. >Her horn charges up.
  1489. >"You could say, I'm going to give crazy to you both!"
  1490. "Awesome. Knew she wouldn't let us down. Also wow, yeah, her goose is cooked," you remark to Fluttershy.
  1491. >"She was always teetering on the edge, I'm surprised it took this long," she replies.
  1492. >Glimmer's horn is so infused with power it's causing energy to arc from it like a tesla coil, and a persistent rumbling like thunder fills the map room.
  1493. >"Say goodbye to your eternal friendship problem!" she yells over the noise.
  1494. "I wonder what she means by that," you rub your chin.
  1495. >"Maybe she's talking about how I'm always trying to suck your dick," says Fluttershy.
  1496. "Son of a gun," you say, snapping your fingers, "I think you're right--"
  1497. >Glimmer's horn explodes with magical violence and you lose consciousness.
  1498.  
  1499. *
  1500.  
  1501. >You sit upright and put a hoof to your head.
  1502. >For a while you try to spit out the pink mane in your mouth, waving your head in every direction.
  1503. "The-- fucking, what even--"
  1504. >Eventually you just grab all the hair you can and pull it up and back, away from your face.
  1505. >Across from you, a human sits up.
  1506. >You both watch each other, confused.
  1507. >Then look down at your respective bodies.
  1508. "Oh, okay," you say in Fluttershy's voice.
  1509. >Fluttershy, or rather, your human body being piloted by Fluttershy, gets up on all fours, frowning.
  1510. >"This doesn't feel right," she says.
  1511. "You have to stand up."
  1512. >"But I'll fall over."
  1513. "You won't."
  1514. >Fluttershy stands up.
  1515. >She falls over.
  1516. "Huh, yeah you might have to learn, I suppose."
  1517. >An insane cackling echoes around the room.
  1518. >"Am I not Equestria's greatest magical genius?" Glimmer crows. "Welcome to your new bodies! Now you'll be able to experience the world from each other's perspectives! You won't need to fight anymore since you'll become closer through mutual experience! It's the perfect solution to the ultimate friendship problem!"
  1519. >She laughs like an insane person.
  1520. >"I solved the unsolvable! I succeeded where Twilight failed!"
  1521. "I'm 99% sure Twilight's done something like this before."
  1522. >Starlight ignores you.
  1523. >"So what will you both do now, hmm? Anymore aggression? Anymore using Ponyville as your personal battlefield? Annoying the residents? Perpetuating a tired drama that's been going on for literally -years-?"
  1524. >You study your lanky human body.
  1525. >Fluttershy looks back at her curvaceous pegasus form.
  1526. >And after a few seconds.
  1527. "I'm gonna rape the -shit- out of that man."
  1528. >Starlight looks dumbfounded, "What."
  1529. "I am going to do things Fluttershy could never have dreamed of."
  1530. >"Oh no you don't, mister," your own voice says sternly. "I'm not letting our first time be ruined like that. When we have sex we're going to do it in our own bodies, as Celestia intended!"
  1531. "Like hell we are. I don't know what kind of ludicrous chemistry's going on in my horsey-brain right now, but I'm looking at that body and I want every inch of it inside me."
  1532. >Starlight looks disgusted.
  1533. >"But that's... you!"
  1534. "Don't matter. Want dick."
  1535. >"That's... well I don't know if that's homosexuality or narcissism."
  1536. "Both."
  1537. >"Yeah, both," agrees Fluttershy.
  1538. >"No! You're not supposed to just carry on as before, this is supposed to build bridges! Open avenues of new understanding! You're in each other's bodies, this is a unique chance to learn more about each other!"
  1539. >You look once more at Fluttershy (in your body).
  1540. >Then lock eyes with her, plant your hoof against your crotch, and go hog wild.
  1541. >"EW!" Starlight covers her eyes. "Ew ew ew, stop it! Fluttershy th-- Anon! That's disgusting! Knock it off!"
  1542. "God himself couldn't stop me from getting that monkey dick," you pant as you mash your moistening mare mound.
  1543. >"Are you even -listening- to yourself?!"
  1544. "Come here, tall and handsome, I got a womb that needs filling!"
  1545. >You lunge forward, but flop uselessly to the floor.
  1546. >Your legs aren't completely coordinated, so walking is proving a technical challenge.
  1547. >Fluttershy scrambles away from you on all fours, complaining about the crystalline surface hurting her hands and knees.
  1548. >You drag yourself after her like you were paralysed from the waist down.
  1549. "Slow down, boy, I'ma get me that dick!"
  1550. >"Leave me alone, you weirdo! It's not right! We're supposed to be in each other's bodies!"
  1551. "Damn right we're gonna be inside each other--" you shake your head, "girl WHAT is going on in your brain, I can't even function right now."
  1552. >"It's just hormones! Everyone has them!"
  1553. "Lady, what I'm feeling isn't even close to normal, you've got some kind of omnisexual complex going on here that I can't even begin to fathom."
  1554. >Starlight watches you chase Fluttershy around the map table with an upset pout.
  1555. >"I worked so hard on that spell..."
  1556. >"Please could you cast it again?" Fluttershy whines, her voice (your voice?) desperate. "I miss my old body and I -really- don't like the faces Anon's making at me."
  1557. >You don't so much answer as make strange grunting squeals in place of articulation.
  1558. >It's the only way you can convey just how incomprehensibly horny you are, or Fluttershy is.
  1559. >The farce continues for another half-minute before Starlight sighs and charges her horn again.
  1560. >Just as you grab hold of your real body's leg and get a firm hump going, your consciousness fails you again.
  1561.  
  1562. *
  1563.  
  1564. >You sit up, fully clothed and groaning.
  1565. >Your own hands greet you and you sigh with relief.
  1566. >Fluttershy is flopped over your leg, and you feel a dampness there.
  1567. >She grumbles as she comes to and glares at you.
  1568. >"Nice going, Anon, I'm all worked up now because you couldn't control yourself."
  1569. "-I- can't control myself? Woman, you've got a mental issue so profound I don't think therapy can touch you."
  1570. >"Well you're not so great yourself, you know. Why do you feel so hollow?"
  1571. "That's the depression."
  1572. >"It's awful! I wanted to crawl in a hole and die!"
  1573. "You get used to it, but drinking helps."
  1574. >"Can you two please leave now," says Starlight. She's slumped in Twilight's chair at the table, looking more miserable than you've ever seen her.
  1575. "You okay, champ?"
  1576. >"You two are self-destructive. There's no fixing what you have going on between you. Twilight was right, you really are unsolvable."
  1577. >"Nope," Fluttershy says simply. "So, um, do you want to come get burgers?"
  1578. >"Burgers?"
  1579. "We've started getting burgers after anything crazy happens. Helps settle the mood."
  1580. >Starlight shrugs.
  1581. >"Sure, whatever. Should we get Twilight?"
  1582. "Hahaha."
  1583.  
  1584. "No."
  1585.  
  1586. ---
  1587.  
  1588. "You look like you were made to fuck stallions."
  1589. - Anonymous, regarding Fluttershy
  1590.  
  1591. "It won't go how you think it will."
  1592. >"She'll be fine, it's one date."
  1593. "She doesn't do dates, she's a rapist."
  1594. >Rarity whacks you in the stomach.
  1595. >"Stop being rude, she needs this to... ah, realign her priorities."
  1596. "To stop being a rapist," you grunt, rubbing your belly.
  1597. >Rarity scowls, but forces a smile when hoofsteps pass through the door behind you.
  1598. >"Thank you for coming, Big Macintosh," she says primly to the nervous stallion checking his clumsily-done bow tie. Rarity casually undoes and reties it properly with magic as she speaks. "Fluttershy should be here in a moment, if you'll just come with me."
  1599. >He follows her through to the back-most room of the restaurant, rented for a single night at great expense to both you and Rarity.
  1600. >You wait in the antechamber and tap your foot, arms folded.
  1601. >An attendant comes through with a hurried expression.
  1602. >"Mister Anonymous? Fluttershy is here now, should I send her through?"
  1603. "Please, thank you."
  1604. >A moment later, Fluttershy slinks into the tight room.
  1605. >She moves like a cautious cat up to no good, checking her corners and exits before grinning at you.
  1606. >"Just... us? Anon, what's going on?"
  1607. "I've planned an evening for you, Fluttershy."
  1608. >"An evening just for us? Goodness, if I'd known I'd have worn something more, um, sexy."
  1609. "It's meant to be a surprise, in fact..."
  1610. >You nod at the hovering attendant and she slips out the door, shutting it behind her. The soft click of the lock is loud enough for you both to hear.
  1611. >Fluttershy's ears perk up and her grin widens.
  1612. >"-Goodness-. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but a nice cozy little room at the back of a place like this is really naughty. How do you want me? Am-- am I fine like this?"
  1613. >You hear hoofsteps stop short beyond the curtain separating the antechamber from the back room.
  1614. "I'll stop you right there." You clear your throat loudly.
  1615. >Rarity glides through with a flourish.
  1616. >"Fluttershy! So glad you came, we were getting worried you weren't going to arrive."
  1617. >Fluttershy blinks at her friend.
  1618. >She looks between you and Rarity, cocking her head.
  1619. >"A... threesome? Um, okay, I guess I'm fine with that if it's Rarity."
  1620. >Rarity laughs a bit too loudly.
  1621. >"Aha! Oh, you're so funny, Fluttershy."
  1622. >She draws herself up to her full height, runs a hoof through her mane, and flashes the slightly smaller mare her most winning smile.
  1623. >"Now, dear. I've been watching your efforts for quite some time, and whilst I'm sure you have plenty of plans for Anonymous here, I thought it might be better for you to start off easy."
  1624. >Fluttershy remains clueless.
  1625. >"Do you mean, like, um, blowjobs and stuff? I've already practised a ton, Rarity, I don't need any help--"
  1626. >Rarity's overly loud laugh interrupts her.
  1627. >"Not quite!" she says, "Not exactly, it's more that Anon here is, ah..."
  1628. >She looks you up and down. You quirk an eyebrow at her, arms still folded.
  1629. >"Well he's an awful lot of human, don't you think? And you're such a small pony."
  1630. >"Oh, I know," Fluttershy says happily. "I like that he's so much bigger and I was hoping he could maybe use his fat human dick to rearrange my intestines by fucking my asshole until I'm screaming."
  1631. >Rarity stares open-mouthed. You pinch the bridge of your nose and inwardly thank God no one else is here to overhear this.
  1632. "Remember what we said about phrasing in public, Fluttershy."
  1633. >"Sorry... I figured since we were alone and about to have a threesome I could be more candid."
  1634. >"We're not... having a threesome, darling," Rarity says weakly.
  1635. >"We're not? Oh, is it cuckqueaning? Is Anon going to pound one of us and have the other watch?"
  1636. "Fucking kill me," you whisper to the ceiling.
  1637. >"Darling," Rarity sounds firm now. "I don't want your feelings to be hurt when Anon rejects you again, and I think after so many months of failing it might do you some good to branch out."
  1638. >"What does that mean," Fluttershy asks with suspicion.
  1639. >"Why not, rather than charging straight into the deep end with Anon--" she halts when she sees Fluttershy's expression become more lurid. "N-no, not like that, sorry-- look. Come with us, please?"
  1640. >The three of you pass through the curtain and walk down a short hall to a crimson-padded door.
  1641. >"I thought," Rarity continues, gesturing her friend to walk in front, "it might be better for you to try your luck with someone..."
  1642. >She pushes the door open, making sure Fluttershy is first with you and Rarity blocking her escape.
  1643. >"Else?" Rarity says, her voicing pitching with a note of hope.
  1644. >Fluttershy freezes at the scene beyond the door.
  1645. >Big Mac is perched on a highback seat at an intimate table, the place set for a quiet meal between two. He smiles in his usual hospitable way and gives her a small wave.
  1646. >"Howdy, miss. You're looking lovely as ever."
  1647. >You can't see her face, but you imagine Fluttershy has gone bright red.
  1648. >You instinctively widen your stance and hold out your hands like you're about to catch a football.
  1649. >Fluttershy launches herself backwards like a startled goose, wings flapping in panic.
  1650. >You grab her out the air and wrestle her back in the room.
  1651. >Rarity lends her magic, the little pegasus restrained in both a blue aura and a set of arms and it's still only barely enough to restrain her thrashing.
  1652. "It's just--" you grunt.
  1653. >"One date!" Rarity finishes.
  1654. >"I don't like stallions, I don't like stallions, I DON'T LIKE STALLIONS!" Fluttershy's voice becomes progressively hysterical.
  1655. >Big Mac seems to deflate somewhat, and Rarity yanks Fluttershy from your arms and secures her in a chair.
  1656. >"Of--" she pants, taking a moment to catch her breath. You didn't realise magic took so much out of a pony. Twilight makes it look effortless. "Of course you do! You speak to Big Mac all the time!"
  1657. >"Eeyup," says the clearly wounded Mac.
  1658. >"But this is a date! It's not outside!"
  1659. >Fluttershy starts hyperventilating.
  1660. >You grab a paper bag from your cupboard of emergency supplies in the corner and cram it over her face and mouth. She calms somewhat as the carbon dioxide flows back into her system.
  1661. >"Everything will be fine, dear. Just talk to Mac as you would a regular pony."
  1662. >"Why are we doing this? Can we please just have a threesome instead?"
  1663. >"A whatnow?" says Mac.
  1664. "Ignore her, she's delusional. Fluttershy, you need to start going out with, you know, your own kind. This thing you've got for me can't continue." You gesture a hand at Big Mac. "Mac here is one of the gentlest, kindest, most eligible bachelors in Ponyville. Shit, in Equestria, probably. Most mares would burn villages for a chance with him, and here you are with an all-expenses paid evening with him all to yourself."
  1665. >Fluttershy looks at you like you've gone insane.
  1666. >"Please can I go home and hide under my bed and cry?"
  1667. "No. You're going to eat spaghetti and socialise like a normie."
  1668. >"And we'll be right here in case anything goes wrong, isn't that alright?"
  1669. >You and Rarity start backing away from the table, eyes locked on the trembling pegasus.
  1670. >The moment you inch the door open, Fluttershy bolts from her chair so fast it causes a microscopic sonicboom that has the table quaking and Mac scrambling to keep the bottle of wine from falling over. The glass nearest to Fluttershy flies clean off, spilling water on the carpet.
  1671. >You once more wrestle her back to her seat and Rarity retrieves the coil of rope from the emergency supplies.
  1672. >Fluttershy is bound to her chair, the mare wriggling every now and then in discomfort.
  1673. "Mac, only let her out once the door's shut."
  1674. >He nods glumly and you depart once again with your partner in crime.
  1675. >You shut the door behind you and look down at Rarity.
  1676. >"Well. That wasn't so bad," she says somewhat bravely.
  1677. "Can you do the spell?"
  1678. >"Oh, yes."
  1679. >She lights up her horn and a circular disc shimmers over the door.
  1680. >Beyond, you can see the same scene, Fluttershy still bound to her chair.
  1681. >You were very concerned that Twilight had a spell like this, and even more so that she had it memorised.
  1682. >"And now we watch as nature takes its course," Rarity whispers.
  1683. "Do we need to whisper? I thought they couldn't hear us?"
  1684. >"In theory no, but let's not take chances."
  1685. >You sit cross-legged on the floor and put your head closer to Rarity's to watch.
  1686. >Fluttershy struggles again in her bindings.
  1687. >Big Mac wipes his forehead and reaches for the wine.
  1688. >"So, um. Do you... like food?"
  1689. >Fluttershy stops squirming.
  1690. >"I-I guess?"
  1691. >He nods.
  1692. >"That's um... good."
  1693. >They look at each other for a few seconds, then break eye-contact.
  1694. >Fluttershy keeps trying to break out, and Mac keeps dabbing his sweaty brow.
  1695. >"You know, I could let you out of that if it makes you more comfortable, Miss Fluttershy."
  1696. >"...Please."
  1697. >He rises and does just that, and the moment she's free she scrambles for the door and begins wrenching on the handle. You can see the panic and fear in her eyes through the portal.
  1698. >Mac watches on from behind, downcast.
  1699. >"Am I really that bad?" He asks, his tone wounded.
  1700. >Fluttershy stops dead. She turns to him, shocked.
  1701. >"What?"
  1702. >"I get it if you want to leave. Reckon Anon and Rarity'll let you out if you ask enough, but... figured we could enjoy a meal at least. It's a nice place and they spent an awful lot of money to set this shindig up."
  1703. >Fluttershy lets go of the handle and plays with her mane.
  1704. >"I didn't... you're not bad, Mac, I um, I've just never done this before."
  1705. >He shrugs and gives a half smile.
  1706. >"Me neither. We're both kind of bad at this."
  1707. >Fluttershy manages her own fleeting smile. She remains still for another few beats, then cautiously approaches the table.
  1708. >"Are we really having spaghetti?"
  1709. >"Yeah. Are you... okay with that?"
  1710. >"Oh, yes, I like spaghetti. Spaghetti's great."
  1711. >They fall silent.
  1712. "The poets weep," you grunt.
  1713. >"Oh hush," Rarity nudges her head against yours. "This is progress for her, give it time, I'm sure they'll have a pleasant evening together."
  1714. "Do you really want us sitting here for the next few hours?"
  1715. >"If that's what it takes to break Fluttershy out of her mania, then I'd sit here for a week!"
  1716. "...Great, but do -I- have to--"
  1717. >"Yes of course you do now shut up things are happening," she says all at once.
  1718. >A hatch from the ceiling opens and two plates of spaghetti descend like gifts from the heavens, aided by levitation.
  1719. >You cringe from how much all this cost you.
  1720. >Fluttershy sniffs the food and gives Mac a small smile.
  1721. >"This... this smells nice."
  1722. >"Yeah," he nods. "Real nice."
  1723. >The two gaze at each other for a while, wearing tender expressions.
  1724. >"Aww," Rarity squeaks. "How romantic!--"
  1725. >Then the two ponies beyond the door lunge at each other.
  1726. >Bangs and crashes. The wine bottle smashed. A plate of spaghetti swept off the table and against the far wall leaving tomato smears dripping down the expensive wallpaper.
  1727. >Mac and Fluttershy thrust and grind at each other making sounds like frenzied animals, tongues spitting and sliding over each other's faces.
  1728. >Mac slams his hooves against the table and it splits in two, the couple falling to the ground amidst wine and bolognaise, the sheer white table cloth all around them absolutely ruined.
  1729. >With a hoof he grabs a mass of red sauce and smashes it against Fluttershy's asshole before lining up his gravid length.
  1730. >"In! Push it all in!" she snarls at him. "Fucking ruin me!"
  1731. >He does just that, his titanic cock bulldozing past her ring and hilting inside her with the tomato sauce acting as lube.
  1732. >Fluttershy throws her head back and roars like a lioness as the farmer assumes a firm position and begins sawing his cock in and out of her insides like a machine.
  1733. >He bites the back of her neck and clenches, holding her in place like a ragdoll and pistoning against her lithe frame as though he intends to break her.
  1734. >You and Rarity watch in transfixed horror.
  1735. >She doesn't make a sound. Her entire body is locked up, muscles tight and still.
  1736. >You can't believe what you're seeing, but you can't believe what you're hearing even more.
  1737. >The noises coming from the pair are unearthly. The allegedly most gentle ponies in Ponyville snapping and grunting like rabid beasts.
  1738. >Mac hilts and cums, then pulls out and keeps thrusting, a sheen of red and milky while splattering all over the ruins of the table and Fluttershy's back end.
  1739. >She slams her hips against him uncaring that he just filled her, she only groans "More!" and Mac is all-too willing to oblige, apparently unaware of any refractory period males are supposed to have.
  1740. >Rarity leans against you.
  1741. >"I-I think we... we should leave."
  1742. "Should we unlock the door first?"
  1743. >She watches the pair hammer against each other for a few more seconds.
  1744. >"No, I think we'll let the restaurant staff worry about that."
  1745. >You each nod, stand up, and flee the scene.
  1746.  
  1747. >The good news is, Fluttershy now has a new boyfriend.
  1748. >Isn't that nice.

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