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[RGR] Food Fight

By MrSkeltal
Created: 18th December 2020 12:49:34 AM

  1. Original Poster: Frostybox (pastebin.com/u/frostybox)
  2. Reason this is posted here is because it's not binned in Frosty's bin.
  3.  
  4. >Ugh...
  5. >"-so that's when I whipped it out-"
  6. >Oh!
  7. >"-It's really hard to do without a whisk, but can you believe that she didn't have a single thing aside from a few forks and spoons?!"
  8. >Ugh...
  9. >"Psh, mares. What would they ever do without us? Right Anon?"
  10. "Ug- oh what? Yeah, right."
  11. >The guys all nod in agreement with you before Time Turner continues, "So it took some doing, but we had some great ice cream sundaes all things considered."
  12. >Just guys talking about guy stuff...
  13. >And you're a guy, so you're here.
  14. >Drinking tea instead of beer.
  15. >Out of a saucer instead of a mug.
  16. >It's not the worst thing ever, but you just wish they would talk about more exciting stuff.
  17. >It's all just clothing, food, and gossip.
  18. >On the bright side, you've got some pretty dope recipes.
  19. >You know that this like "girl talk" here, it's funny to think that when you were a younger lad you often fantasized about what girls did in their little private get togethers.
  20. >"OH did you hear? Carrot's foals have started walking on their own!"
  21. >And now you know...
  22. >Some of the guys squee while you swirl the tea around in your saucer, faster and faster while trying to keep it from spilling over the edge.
  23. >Faster.
  24. >Faster!
  25. >FAST-
  26. "Yaah!"
  27. >The guys pause and look over at you. "Anon? Are you okay?"
  28. >You hiss while licking the space between your fingers where the tea seeped through.
  29. "Yeah, just uh-"
  30. >Eyes.
  31. >There are eyes in those bushes.
  32. >Like six pairs, all of them watching you.
  33. >Only reason you looked over there is because your saucer rolled in that direction when you dropped it.
  34. >All of them except the icy blue ones glance away, looking somewhat nervousl-
  35. “-Uh! S-spilled my tea, that's all!"
  36. >The guys stop in the middle of their turn to follow your eyesight and face back to you.
  37. >"Oh no! Do you need an ice pack or something Anon?"
  38. "No, I think I'll be fine..."
  39. >The other five pairs of eyes turn back to join the icy blue ones that never broke away.
  40. >You suddenly feel very self conscious about continuing to lick the sensitive skin between your fingers.
  41. >"-ou listening? Anon?"
  42. "Huh? I was jus-"
  43. >"What are you staring at over-"
  44. >Oh no.
  45. >Time Turner gasps, "You there! All six of you, come out of those bushes!"
  46. >The magenta pair widens and you hear Rainbow's voice hiss, "They caught us! Bail!"
  47. >"No! W-we didn't do anything wrong... just let me handle this" Twilight voice responds, which matches the slightly fearful look in the purple eyes.
  48. >Four ponies slowly emerge from the bush, Time Turner crosses his forelegs and verbally harrumphs, "I said all of you, creepers."
  49. >Twilight glances around for a moment before looking back into the bush, "Come on Fluttershy, I told you we haven't done any- Pinkie, you too? Did you get caught or something?"
  50. >"U-uh, yes! My tail got caught in a tree branch" Pinkie responds, the ice blue eyes darting side to side as she speaks.
  51. >"But, you're in a bu-"
  52. >Twilight is cut off mid sentence, "Ugh! You mares! Us stallions can't have any space to ourselves can we?!" Time Turner huffs, quickly putting an end to what was likely to be shenanigans before they got started.
  53. >"Your space?! In case you haven't noticed, this is a public park colt" Rainbow responds.
  54. >Time Turner scrunches his muzzle as he stomps closer to the group, and Rainbow responds in kind.
  55. >Twilight quickly steps in between the two of them, spreading her wings to block their sight of each other, "W-wait! Hold on everypony, there's no need to start shouting, I was just conducting important research, and the girls were helping me."
  56. >Oh silly magic science princess you- wait, the guys are all collectively giving Twilight a "yeah right” face.
  57. >Why would- oh! She and the others were probably just peeping on the "girls", you quickly match your boys’ expressions.
  58. >Twilight shrinks a little under the unified look.
  59. >"H-honest! It's my duty as the Princess of Friendship to ensure that Anonymous is integrating well, I've got his permission and everything isn't that right Anon?"
  60. >She is.
  61. >You're still working on getting "caught up" to life in Equestria and Twilight has been a tremendous help.
  62. >That said, you are BORED...
  63. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about!" you respond as fearfully as possible.
  64. >You'll make it up to her later, maybe use the pasta recipe you picked up a little bit ago.
  65. >Twilight recoils, the other girls all begin backing away with their tails tucked, "Told you we shoulda bailed" Rainbow whispers loudly.
  66. >"Ah ha! Shame on you! Trying to pressure poor Anon into justifying you and your herd's sick kinks!”
  67. >Damn Double T, just taking your word for it eh?
  68. >"Twilight?! Ha! No way would she lead any herd of ours right Pinkie?" Rainbow butts in.
  69. >You follow the voice to see her nudging a snickering Pinkie with a wing, Pinkie stiffens up like a board suddenly and begins laughing hysterically, "You are SO right Rainbow... T-t-total bet- I MEAN alphas we are r-right..?"
  70. >Rainbow quirks an eyebrow at her friend, “Chill sis, they're looking at us funny, what is WITH you all of a sudd-"
  71. >The cyan pegasus is cut short by a croissant smacking her in the face.
  72. >She looks completely shell shocked, just standing there with a wide eyed look.
  73. >You follow all the eyes back to see Caramel standing up at the table with a hoof extended.
  74. >A silence fills the air, you can tell that something is about to pop off.
  75. >With a giddiness you haven't felt since you were a child, you stand there drinking it all in.
  76. >Twilight glances between the two heated groups and begins speaking with extreme caution "Girls... let's not-"
  77. >"Ain't nopony gonna diss my friend like that, I don’t care who ya are!" Applejack's voice comes from the other side of the bush.
  78. >With a *whack* you watch a cooler arc over the bush and pop open above you all.
  79. >The food begins falling out almost in slow motion.
  80. >Someone yells "food fight” and thus all the requirements are met for a regulation food fight.
  81. "-IIIGHT!"
  82. >Oh, that was you yelling? If Twilight weren’t running for cover and you hadn’t sold her out for some cheap thrills she might’ve been proud that you internalized a piece of Equestrian law.
  83. >As it is though you'll feel proud of yourself as you dive onto a table, grasping opposite ends firmly and rolling away from the place the cooler is going to land.
  84. >The guys catch on quick, taking cover behind the table.
  85. >"YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!"
  86. >You and the others wince as you hear Bulk's cry of agony, well most of the guys caught on quick.
  87. >"Is it bad?" Caramel asks, shivering.
  88. >Time chances a peek and quickly dips down, clapping a hoof to his mouth as his face turns a light green, “He’ll need a… deep soak” the brown stallion responds somberly.
  89. >"Why in Tartarus did you have to go and throw that Caramel?!" Thunder lane hisses.
  90. >"I-I don't know! I just... I didn't think they were going to do anything back.”
  91. "Dude, why would you ever think they wouldn't do anything?"
  92. >Oh shit, right, “girls”.
  93. >You grab up a handful of jam and heft it over the table.
  94. >”Gonna hafta do better’n that boys!” Applejack shouts.
  95. >”We should just withdraw. Bulk is already out, and I just got my hooves done at the spa” Caramel whimpers.
  96. >The boys all nod with Mac throwing in an extra “Eeyup” for good measure.
  97. “What?! No way! We started this, so we have to see it through to the end!”
  98. >”WE didn’t start anything, if anything Caramel should go since he did it!” Time responds, as Caramel claps his hooves together and makes a begging motion to you all.
  99. “That’s bullshit T-squared and you know it. We’re all bros here right?” you look around to the uncertain faces beside you, “right?!”
  100. >They all nod reluctantly and turn to face Caramel as he gives a tearful smile back.
  101. “Would Rosa- uh, M-Moss Parks have just given up?”
  102. >The guys slowly nod.
  103. >Oh thank god you winged that one right.
  104. >”And what of uh… S-Samuel B. Antoinette? Would he have taken the easy way out?!”
  105. >”NO!” Time Turner responds proudly.
  106. >Either Twilight bugged you about this shit before or you’re getting really lucky, you’ll take it either way.
  107. “You’re DAMN right no! Now let’s go show these fillies how us big boys play!”
  108. >And so continues your quest to entertain yourself in a world without internet.
  109.  
  110. >The battle is… admittedly small scale but- Oh shit! AJ just got the dandylionest tea dumped on her, that’s an automatic out done by Thunderlane.
  111. “Yeah boy!”
  112. >Thunderlane whoops before cutting it short to avoid return fire.
  113. >It wasn’t a clean fight, for everyone of theirs you lost one of yours.
  114. >And you started out with an early loss from Bulk too, so that kept them constantly ahead by one, until you guys just tied it up three to three.
  115. >You quickly catch the grape bolos with a punch bowl that spilled at the start of this fight.
  116. “Gonna have to do better than that! You know what I’m talking about don’t you AJ?” you shout.
  117. >You chuckle to yourself as you hear Rainbow, Pinkie, and Fluttershy try to calm her down and remind her that she is out by regulation standards.
  118. >”NOOO! You bitches!”
  119. >You glance over your shoulder and see Caramel dragging Thunderlane back behind cover.
  120. >Oh shit!
  121. >Carefully darting from cover to cover, you start closing on Caramel.
  122. >”I’ll get you for this you peeping tammies!”
  123. “Caramel NO!”
  124. >He takes a can of whipped cream in his mouth and hops over the toppled table.
  125. >You see the girls lock sights on him, “Fire away girls!”
  126. >Doughnuts and sandwiches are flying in his direction.
  127. >You quicken your pace hoping you can reach him in time.
  128. >With a dive, you manage to halt his assault early, and pull him to the side.
  129. >You both roll on the ground, and he begins batting at you with his hooves, “Lemme go! Raaaape! Ra-“
  130. “'Mel! It’s me you idiot! We have to get back under cover!”
  131. >”A-Anon?! B-but they… Thunderlane he… They got him with chocolate! FROM PRANCE ANON, PRANCE CHOCOLATES! They're so rich, I don’t know how to get the stains out!”
  132. >You drag him in the direction of the nearest bench.
  133. “I know Caramel, but throwing yourself at their fire isn’t going to give you any cleaning solutions! We have to be smart, we- LOOK OUT!”
  134. >Without even thinking about it, you dive back over Caramel again.
  135. >A weight drops onto your back, accompanied by a loud *SPLAT* noise.
  136. >Caramel’s eyes widen to the size of saucers, “NO!”
  137. “Keep going! Get behind cover!” you bellow, as the warmth begins spreading all over your back.
  138. >You stumble along behind Caramel, avoiding their fire as best you both can.
  139. >He drags you the last bit, sniffling and apologizing for messing everything up.
  140. >I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m- Yeouch!”
  141. >He rubs the tip of his nose where you flicked him, you overheard some pony say it ws the best way to calm a panicked stallion, turns out they were right.
  142. “Caramel, this isn’t over yet. You can’t start acting like it is. Got it?!”
  143. >He wipes his eyes and nose with a napkin that he pulled from behind him somewhere, nodding slowly.
  144. >”But it’s me against three of them, what can I possibly do?”
  145. “You? Nothing. WE have one shot at victory.”
  146. >”W-we? But you’ve been covered at least 40% in food, you’re out.”
  147. >You laugh triumphantly.
  148. “You forget little pony bro, I have no coat like you all do.”
  149. >Caramel looks on as you strip your shirt, bringing your food coverage down to about 20%
  150. >”Anon that’s brilliant!”
  151. >Well it’s was really more like happenstance, but if he’s already thinking it...
  152. “Damn right ‘Mel, You know who be schemin’?”
  153. >Caramel bumps your fist with his hoof, “Bastards be schemin’."
  154. >You love the little girly sayings the guys taught you.
  155. >”So… what do we do?”
  156. “Go b- uh, ring deep Mel, they have us at a huge advantage.” Caramel looks fearful, and you rest a comforting had on his shoulder, “but these babies I swiped from that cooler of theirs is going to come in handy.”
  157. >He looks down to the food in your hands, and gasps, “Don’t you think that’s a little too much? It’s not against the rules to use but…”
  158. “Prance chocolates Caramel. Prance.”
  159. >His brows slowly come closer together, his muzzle curls into a mean scrunch, “Let’s do it!”
  160. >You breathe in slowly, and let the breath out even slower.
  161. “Ready?”
  162. >Caramel nods.
  163. >You peek over the edge of the bench and pick your targets, you bite the ends off and spit them onto the floor.
  164. >Moving quickly, you toss the handfuls over at them.
  165. >A resounding, and fearful, “AVOCADOS!” from Rainbow Dash gives you a sense of satisfaction.
  166. >You and Caramel both count it out mentally.
  167. >Aaaand go time.
  168. *KOOM*
  169. >A green mist covers the area the last three mares were at.
  170. >You and Caramel sprint right into the heart of it.
  171. >You snatch up a baguette that was lying on the ground and Caramel takes one of his own.
  172. >Everything is hazy, you can hear dazed moans but can’t quite place where they’re coming from.
  173. >The mist won’t last for long, you both need to press the advantage.
  174. >You happen upon Fluttershy, laying on the ground, covered in green, her eyes look like they’re miles away.
  175. >”P-papa? Pa- Papa? P-p-p-”
  176. >You were aiming for Rainbow, guess you were a little off.
  177. >Your grip tightens on the loaf in your hand and in a quick swing put the poor girl out of her misery.
  178. >Fights, fights never ch-
  179. >”Aah!”
  180. >Caramel!
  181. >You head in the direction of the shout, wafting as much of the delicious smelling mist out of your face as you can.
  182. >Your foot slips out from under you, and you stumble to the floor.
  183. >Looking down at your feet there’s a bunch of pastries strewn all about.
  184. >Another yelp makes you look back up and you can make out three forms out in the mist.
  185. >There’s ‘Mel with the baguette, fuck yeah, he’s batting them away!
  186. >But two on one isn’t fair.
  187. >You see a pair of eclairs near your hands.
  188. >Perfect.
  189. >You whistle to draw attention to yourself.
  190. >The forms all come to a halt.
  191. >Time snatch the V. For victory!
  192. “Suck custard ladies!”
  193. >You deathgrip the ends of your dual wielded eclairs, they engorge with filling at the tip, almost to three times the thickness they were at before.
  194. >The eclairs throb as the pressure builds rapidly, until...
  195. *SPRRT*
  196. >Two strands of off-white cream bullet towards the two mares.
  197. >Rainbow lets out a roar before plummeting to the ground with a muffled thump.
  198. >A deeper moan escapes the other pony followed by a “Not in my mane! Anon! I just had it conditioned!”
  199. >Oh shi-
  200. >You sprint over to the fallen earth pony, stepping over Rainbow as she dizzily mutters something about “finding out if your real stuff tastes as sweet.”
  201. >Caramel is laying on the ground, covered in condiments and cream, breathing heavily as he watches you approach.
  202. “Caramel! Shit bro, I thought you were Pinkie! You had the Baguette!”
  203. >HIs voice is weak, ”Anon...” he sits up and pokes you in the chest, “ First of all, my hips are not THAT wide you hourglass!” he growls
  204. >He lays back down and resumes talking at just above a whisper, ”Second, she... that mare knows her way around a baguette, be careful.”
  205. >You’re aware of her prowess on the field of wasted food, it’s the biggest reason you did this, that and the no internet thing.
  206. >”Anon I’m serious, she’s too much. You have to finish this now, you’re almost invisible here… the haze matches your skin and shorts.”
  207. >And T-Dubs was trying to talk you out of wearing these today, you thank Caramel for the information and rise from your kneeled stance.
  208. >Your hand grips the end of your baguette firmly behind your back as you approach the outline of the mare, glancing around in the haze.
  209. *PAFF*
  210. >Your arms tremble slightly as you bear down, Pinkie reacted almost instantly, blocking your strike with her own loaf.
  211. >She pushes you off and responds with a flurry of swings of her own.
  212. >You move quickly to avoid the first one and watch on from her side as she continues blindly striking at the hazy space you were in.
  213. *PAFF*
  214. >You take another swing, the moment your baguette touches her tail she whips around in the same direction of your swing knocking your loaf further along than you wanted.
  215. >Damn!
  216. >She jabs with her baguette, your waist bends out in a “C" shape just enough to avoid being prodded with the rounded end.
  217. >You’re still learning, but little by little you’re picking up the Space Jam level phys-
  218. >Wait, where’s Pinki-
  219. >In the air!
  220. >You look up just in time to see Pinkie whirling like a pinwheel, coming right down onto you.
  221. >Your other hand joins the one gripping your bread and put all your effort into an upward swing to counter.
  222. *PAFF!*
  223. >The force from the impact causes a ripple to radiate out from the crossed loaves, dispersing the haze completely.
  224. >All the “fallen” ponies are gathered together, a collective gasp escapes the onlookers.
  225. >”Sweet Celestia, so that’s what Twilight’s been livin’ with?!” Applejack muses, by clamping her hooves to her mouth you can assume that she didn’t mean to say that out loud.
  226. >Pinkie is suspended in the air and bearing down on you with leverage that doesn’t make any physical sense.
  227. “I knew it was going to come down to you and me Pinkie, in the end.”
  228. >”Kick his flank Pinkie! Sisters before misters!” Rainbow shouts.
  229. >The fire that shined brightly in her eyes dims suddenly as what seems like fear replaces it.
  230. >Pinkie gasps and in so doing releases her grip on the baguette and drops to the floor with a muffled squeak.
  231. >You catch the bread saber with your foot and toss it up to catch it in your free hand.
  232. >”Aww come on! Don’t just hoof it to him Pinkie!”
  233. >Pinkie looks completely paralyzed before you, not even moving as you bring the two ends closer to her neck.
  234. >Sweat drips down onto the bread, you didn't think she'd wear herself out this much already
  235. >You nudge the bottom of her chin.
  236. “Stand up.”
  237. >She does as you say, her knees quaking and rattling audibly.
  238. >She has to be faking, trying to throw you off.
  239. “I know all about you, Pinkie.”
  240. >She swallows nervously, the bulge in her throat as it slowly lowers just grazes against the tip of the baguettes just apart from her neck.
  241. "The Pink Blurnado, a legend in food fighting history.”
  242. >”What? YOU know about food fighting?” Rainbow asks with more shock than dismissal but some of that is still there too.
  243. "Pinku Waifu, as they call you in the Neighpone circuit.”
  244. >At least that’s what you heard from the stallions who specialize in drawing lesbian porn.
  245. >A cute blush runs through her face, Pinkie’s lips tremble as if they were trying to find a sound to start with, "Y-you just called m-me…” she mutters.
  246. “That’s right, you’re a legend. Undefeated. And I’m not about to just be handed a win like this!”
  247. >You bring your arms up and then strike down on the table Pinkie was leaning back against for support.
  248. >At the opposite end, two pink doughnuts arc over to you.
  249. >Pinkie instinctively snatches them out of the air, donning her edible of preference.
  250. >Perhaps she's just out of practice, you don't think she was faking earlier, but whatever had her all rattled when the haze cleared, she seems to be getting a second wind.
  251. >You take a defensive stance with your baguettes, Pinkie glances between you and the doughnuts equipped on each hoof.
  252. “If Im going to win, I want to earn it” you growl.
  253. >You can see the desire in her eyes, just peeking past the unease.
  254. >Gonna have to warm her up.
  255. >You bring your right arm down on her, with a *paff* she deflects your strike with her “gauntlet”.
  256. >You follow it up with a strike from with your left and again she deflects.
  257. >Elbows draw back and rocket forwards as you do a double stab.
  258. >She catches the tips using her doughnut layered hooves.
  259. >You grunt as you try to push her back but find her resistance more than you expected.
  260. >Using a burst of force you throw yourself into the stab, Pinkie gasps in surprise, her doughnuts begin to give under your force, compressing around the inner ring.
  261. >She gracefully nudges your tips out from the center and immediately closes the gap between you two.
  262. >You feel it before you can even register seeing it, her right hoof connects with your face, the soft sugary pink dough smushes against your face.
  263. >You can hear a moist squishing as your head is forced backwards and your feet throw themselves back to keep you from falling over.
  264. >Dirt is kicked up as you stumble back and quickly right yourself only to find Pinkie in the same place further up.
  265. >She didn’t follow up with anything, wh-
  266. >You can feel something on your lips.
  267. >Keeping your eyes locked on your opponent, you wipe your lips with he back of your hand and bring it further out to inspect it.
  268. >A dark yellow glaze is smeared around your knuckle.
  269. >You lick it up and try to make sense of the powerful taste assaulting you tongue.
  270. >Pinkie and the others are all looking on intently.
  271. >You smirk.
  272. “It’s ambitious, surprisingly delicious even. When all’s said and done, Pinku Waifu, I’d love to have more of your Pink Lemonade doughnuts.”
  273. >You hear a ruffling of feathers off to the side, but you know that looking away from your opponent is a surefire way to lose the fight.
  274. >Down! Stay down damn you!
  275. >Your wings flare out in defiance of you trying to get control of them.
  276. >You hear a scoff come from behind you and take a glance behind you to see Time Turner frowning in your direction.
  277. >Two bodies press up against your side suddenly, a glance reveals it to be Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, “We’ve been where you are before, though that was back when we were fillies” Fluttershy responds to the question of “why” that was hanging on your lips.
  278. >You get a nudge from Rainbow, ”Yeah, you'll figure out ways to keep them tucked back eventually, for me it’s thinking about the time I walked in on my parents. Ughh.”
  279. “Thanks girls” you whisper.
  280. >”Hah!”
  281. >With them helping cover your… excitement from the guys, you return your attention to the fight at hoof.
  282. >Anon is pushing Pinkie back with a flurry of strikes.
  283. >She doesn’t seem to be putting much of fight up at all which is completely bizarre.
  284. >You’ve seen her in action, and this-
  285. >”You can’t hide from me Pinku!”
  286. >Anon dives into Pinkie’s bush, the one she’s using for cover that is.
  287. >This is not normal for her.
  288. >Whistles and cheers come from the guys behind you, “Go Anon! You show her who wears the nothing around here!”
  289. >Rainbow scoffs, “Guys, they hardly know a thing about food fights do they? She’s clearly baiting him.”
  290. >”Oh, do you really think so? I thought so too at first but, the way she just let him pound on her… oh, uh I-I mean, you’re probably right, I shouldn’t doubt Pinkie.”
  291. >Rainbow’s confident look lessens somewhat as you all watch Pinkie and Anon come tumbling out of the bush, his baguettes keeping a constant pressure on your friend.
  292. >Seems even she can’t overlook Pinkie’s change in method.
  293.  
  294. >Shockwave after shockwave ripples up your arms with each clash of your baguettes.
  295. >Pinkie is blocking you at every attempt, not a single strike is getting closer than an elbow’s length away.
  296. >You thought she was just toying with you, picking you apart as a fighter, so you played along too, but surely she must ready for real by now right?
  297. >Momentum flows through your body like a wave beginning at your feet and ending at your hands as they crash the two loaves down onto Pinkie’s head.
  298. *PAF*
  299. >She catches both loaves with her doughnuts, her confections look about as worn as yours do.
  300. >The thick yellow glaze is seeping out freely through the center holes, small gushes come out each time you bear down on her pink rings.
  301. >The glaze trails slowly down the length of your bread, dripping down as the vibrations from both of your strained bodies intensifies.
  302. >Her eyes, they look reserved still, even after all this time.
  303. >Your shoulders burn with the demand you’ve been making of them, you weren’t expecting to have such a slow fight, there’s no way you can keep this up for much longer.
  304. “Pinkie” you grunt.
  305. >Her ears flick a little in your direction, but her face remains still.
  306. “I’m disappointed in you…”
  307. >She blinks once, her eyebrows begin to shift into a more questioning look.
  308. >Either that or sweat is getting into her eyes too.
  309. “Taking it easy on me, just because I’m a guy…”
  310. >You can’t speak for too long, if you let too much air out of your gut you’re going to lose a lot of the force keeping you in place.
  311. “Everypony is held to the same standards in a food fight…”
  312. >Her ears flick again.
  313. “So win or lose… Boy or girl…”
  314. >Your arms are trembling as you struggle to keep her pinned in place.
  315. >Her lips move, just a quiver.
  316. >Then you hear it, the end of her speech from the last fight she entered.
  317. >It’s not much more than a mumble, but you’ve heard this speech so many times while you were studying this that you can fill in for the parts that were too quiet, ”It doesn’t matter, because the important thing is to…”
  318. “Have fun!”
  319. >”Have fun!”
  320. >An immense force launches you back several feet, you curl up and do a cartoonishly rapid spinning roll to recover back onto your feet, baguettes up and ready.
  321. >The sight before you causes you to do the stupidest thing you could do, lower your weapons, but you can’t help but bask in awe…
  322. >Pinkie Pie is bobbing side to side as she shifts her weight from one rearleg to the other, a wide grin is plastered on her face and the fire in her eyes is back again.
  323. >This is what you’ve been waiting for!
  324. >Pinkie lets loose a series of jabs so quick that you could only feel the wind come off of them, all you could actually see was a pink blur out in front of her barrel.
  325. >You quickly rectify your foolishness, raising your baguettes back up to a defensive stance, and give a silent thanks that she didn’t cover you in her lemonade glaze the moment you let down your guard.
  326. "And so it begins” you mutter to yourself, a wide grin spreading quickly across your face.
  327.  
  328. >You watch on as Anon’s smile spreads until it’s as wide as Pinkie’s.
  329. >In a flash, the both of them collide at the center of the space that was between the two of them.
  330. >*PAF*
  331. >You feel the force of their strikes travel through your feathers causing you to shiver.
  332. >”Mmn, don’t I know it Twi, that there’s a boy who knows a thing or two ‘bout hard work…” Applejack exclaims, “Bet he likes a mare who does too” she whisper under her breath.
  333. >The two remaining fighters break apart only to collide again after kicking up clouds of dirt in their commotion.
  334. >”Ohh! I can’t believe you would dirty up those summer shorts I made for you Anonymous!” Rarity huffs.
  335. >”Ha! The fact that you made them so it looks like he’s naked from afar, I can certainly believe it” Time Turner responds.
  336. >Rarity growls back at the colt, “It’s clearly intended to be a complement to the green life all around this time of year” she snaps back.
  337. >”Ha! Look boys, Rarity is trying to tell US how we-“
  338. >Time Turner as well as the rest of you jump in place when a thunderous boom makes itself known right nearby.
  339. >You all turn back around to the actual fight taking place and see Anonymous and Pinkie standing in front of each other.
  340. >His baguettes are crossed and pressed against one of Pinkie’s hooves.
  341. >Behind him is-
  342. >”Whoa...” Rainbow whispers to herself.
  343. >Was, a large bush that now appears to have mostly been blown away from the force.
  344. >What remains looks kind of like Pinkie, balancing a ball on the tip of her nose.
  345. >Anon lets out a loud grunt and launches Pinkie into the bush next over.
  346. >He dashes towards her, swinging his loaves wildly as Pinkie squirrels her way all around the massive bush.
  347. >Anonymous brings the the baguettes high above his head and swings them rapidly down to the ground in a crossed fashion.
  348. >You have to raise a hoof to over your eyes as the dirt cloud kicked up from the power behind his swing whips past you all.
  349. >Not a single one of the guys whines about the dirt, they’re just as enraptured as you are when the dirt settles.
  350. >Most of the bush lays clumped down on the floor, what remains is a spitting image of Anonymous, with one arm curled and the other has three fingers extended out.
  351. >Pinkie’s head pops out of the pile of green, her eyes looping around and around.
  352. >She regains focus when Anon has one end of his baguette pointed just in front of her face.
  353. >”No…” Fluttershy mumbles.
  354. >Pinkie smiles up at Anon and takes the end of his loaf in her hoof, he pulls her back up onto her rearlegs.
  355. >They look into each other’s eyes, their smiles couldn’t be any wider.
  356. *PAF*
  357. >They clash again.
  358. *PAF* *PAF* *PAF*
  359. >And again, several strikes in a row.
  360. >Their grins turn sharper, more wild looking now.
  361. *PAFPAFPAFPAFPAF*
  362. >Anon and Pinkie’s arms are moving faster and faster with each clash.
  363. >”Ora ora ora ORAORAORAORA-“ Anons voice started as a low rumble but quickly becomes a loud series of roars.
  364. >”AtatatATATATATATATATATA-“ Pinkie’s chant thing gets louder, faster and higher pitched with each repetition.
  365. >The dirt, grass, and bush trimmings are swirling around their legs, whipping around faster and faster as their strikes increase in speed.
  366. >Soon they’re like green and pink blurs whipping around wildly between the two standing forms.
  367. >”Sh-should we do something? I’m starting to get worried” Fluttershy states, looking around between all your mystified faces.
  368. >*PAFPAFPAFPAFPAF*
  369. >”ORAORAORAO-“
  370. >”ATATATATATATA-“
  371. >They both come to a dead halt.
  372. >Anonymous and Pinkie take in huge gulps of air.
  373. >Anon’s arms rise as his chest fills.
  374. >Pinkie’s arms lower as she fills her chest.
  375. >”RAAAAA-“
  376. >”AAAAAAH-“
  377. >Anon’s arms swing down, Pinkie’s rocket upwards.
  378. *PAF!”
  379. >The two edibles collide right in the middle, both of their arms are trembling as the shockwave ripples through their bodies.
  380. >You hear it just before you see it.
  381. *Crack*
  382. >Anon begins falling forwards, his face diving directly into Pinkie’s.
  383. *BOOOOOOOM*
  384. >A tremendous force sends all manner of debris flying past you, and then starts taking you along as well.
  385. “AAAH! WHAT’S HAPPENING!?”
  386. >You and everypony else are sent tumbling through the air as a blinding light surrounds you.
  387. >”It feels like one of my sonic rainbooms! But that couldn’t be it! Nopony was even flying were they!?” Rainbow shouts over the roar of the wind.
  388. >She’s right, is this some kind of new threat!? Or maybe… is it possible?
  389. >A Sonic Breadboom?!
  390. >The wind and lights die down and you are finally able to touch the ground again
  391. >You look around to everypony else, all the food you were all covered in has been blown completely off.
  392. >Thunderlane is literally weeping with joy as Caramel rapidly circles around him.
  393. >A glance around the park has you thinking this place looks more like where you had been finished fighting Tirek than Ponyville Park.
  394. >Your eyes follow the blasted field back to its source, and a gasp escapes your lips at what you see.
  395. >You put everything you’ve got into this last swing.
  396. “RAAAA-“
  397. >Pinkie seemingly does the same with her uppercut, “AAAAAH-“
  398. *PAF!*
  399. >Both of your bodies are trembling as they use the last bits of energy they have to meet the demand you’re putting on them.
  400. >You grip your baguettes tight and give one final push.
  401. *Crack*
  402. >The push is getting you further than you thought.
  403. >That is until you realize that you’re no longer pushing but rather falling.
  404. >You tip completely forward now that Pinkie is no longer supporting your body with her sticky pink rings.
  405. >Everything seems to slow down.
  406. >Her face is inching closer and closer to yours.
  407. >You see the fire in her eyes shift into something else.
  408. >Her smile shrinks, shimmery pink lips coming closer and closer together as you are both about to collide.
  409. *BOOOOOOOM*
  410. >A blinding light surrounds you, forcing your eyelids shut tight.
  411. >A violent force sends you tumbling into the air.
  412. >You collide with something hot and moist as you’re being whipped around.
  413. >The wind feels particularly noticeable around your thighs all of a sudden.
  414. >You force your eyelids to part just barely. between the dirt storm and blinding light you can hardly see a thing.
  415. >But you can make out something tumbling around with you, and acting quickly you reach out and take it firmly in your hand.
  416. >Whatever kind of explosion happened just then has finally settled.
  417. >And you’ve found yourself in quite the predicament.
  418. >Pinkie is completely dazed under you, seems being a little pony as she is, she got tumbled around a lot harder than you did.
  419. >Your hand clenches around the broken baguette.
  420. >You nudge Pinkie in the back of the head with it.
  421. >“Mmn… Wha? Did anypony get the number of that train?” she mumbles.
  422. “No, but I did just win t-“
  423. >You follow her eyes, trailing down the length of her body until you find the point at which her eyes have settled on.
  424. >Oh.
  425. “Oh…”
  426. >”PINKIE!” Twilight shouts from across the empty field that used to be a park.
  427. >You look back to see Pinkie’s face rapidly change from her usual lightish red to a very very deep red.
  428. >You turn back to see everyone rushing towards you all, Twilight’s horn is charging up a spell and her nostrils are flaring.
  429. >This looks really bad.
  430. “Wait wait! It’s not what you think!”
  431. >”Sis, time and a place! As hot as it sounds you don’t just take a colt in the middle of a food fight! There’s rules against that kind of thing” Rainbow Dash shouts as she glides in.
  432. >Wait… oh shit, she’s the guy in all this!
  433. “No! Everyone stop! I’m all tucked in so it’s-“
  434. >You can only think one word to yourself as you watch everyone’s eyes widen with horror, phrasing.
  435. >Twilight’s horn is shimmering intensely as you hold your hands you towards her.
  436. “BETWEEN MY LEGS! I MEANT BETWEEN MY LEGS!”
  437. *FOOSH*
  438. >You’re blinded by a purple light.
  439. >You open the door to the room the ponice officers told you she was in.
  440. >Sure enough, Pinkie is sitting in a chair across the room, with her head resting on the table in front of her.
  441. >She’s just staring at you.
  442. >Not an unexpected reaction after Twilight teleported off with her.
  443. “Knock knock” you say as you rap the door twice.
  444. >Pinkie doesn’t react, continuing to stare at you from across the room.
  445. “Heh, probably for the best I’m not very good at knock knock jokes…"
  446. >You stand there awkwardly, wiggling your toes in your shoes as you wait for her to say something, anything to acknowledge you.
  447. >Her icy blue eyes remain locked straight ahead, any emotion in them is completely unreadable to you.
  448. “Y’know the inventor of knock knock jokes wasn’t very good at them either. He was just a big deal in comedy because he won the no-bell prize.”
  449. >Nothing.
  450. “Ehhh?” you say, raising your eyebrows at the slump of a mare.
  451. >Still nothing, can’t say you’re really all that surprised.
  452. >You cross the length of the room and take a seat across from Pinkie.
  453. >The blank look on her face never changes.
  454. “So not in a joking mood huh? I can’t say I blame you…”
  455. >You offer her a smile, but it still does nothing.
  456. “I would’ve gotten here sooner but I stopped by Quills and Sofas, I wanted to get you a card but they didn’t have a “Sorry I got you arrested” card. They didn’t have any cards actually, just quills and sofas. Spike does most of the shopping for us in case you couldn't tell…”
  457. >Wow that was bad.
  458. >You chuckle nervously in a last ditch effort to get anything out of the mare you slighted accidentally.
  459. >Failing one last time you let out a loud sigh.
  460. “Okay, no more jokes. I’m really sorry Pinkie. Like, I am REALLY sorry.”
  461. >She blinks once.
  462. >Progress?
  463. “It’s just- So Twilight has this book, more like a journal really, all your adventures and all this stuff about friendship. It’s really cool, I flip through it now and again, and it’s helped a ton when it comes to adjusting to life here with you all.”
  464. >You chuckle as you recall how many times Rainbow wrote “no homo” in her entry about Daring Do.
  465. “With that I’ve gotten to know a little bit about you all, and I’ve gotten along really well with Twilight and the others, heck, almost everyone in Ponyvillle. But I realized that you and I haven’t really spoken much, the most I think was the little bit when I first arrived in Ponyville.”
  466. >Wait, was that the only time you talked to her? No, there must’ve been other times...
  467. “So, while I was reading about your sister, oh! Did she really eat a rock? Like doesn't that hu-”
  468. >Pinkie doesn’t respond.
  469. >”Okay, maybe a question for later… anyway, I got to thinking that finding something in common could really help us get along. One hop skip and a jump later, and we’re having an epic face off in Ponyville Park.”
  470. >You watch Pinkie’s nostrils flare and relax as she holds her blank look.
  471. “Oh, the fight was forfeit by the way. Since everyone got cleaned up in the middle of the fight, so technically I didn’t win… but you didn’t lose either. So uh, way to keep your record champ...”
  472. >You hold out a fist for Pinkie but when she still doesn’t respond you bring it up to your mouth and clear your throat nervously.
  473. “I uh, cleared everything up… Told Twilight and the others that I was really attracted to you, poofy universe containing manes and tails really get my heart racing and all, and in the heat of the moment I gave in to my boyish desires."
  474. >Not exactly far from the truth, that food fight was absolutely amazing, really living out a young you’s dream.
  475. >You chuckle to yourself.
  476. “I'm probably gonna get a lot of funny looks when word gets out, but this whole misunderstanding is settled now. The ponice are clearing out your record after I explained it to them too, they should be here to let you out once they’re done. Might be a minute though, Chief Wings wanted me to be really detailed about my statement, especially at the end... I guess to make sure I’m not like frazzled or something a guy would normally be.”
  477. >You look down at Pinkie, maybe you're imagining the cold coming form those icy blue eyes or not, but you're feeling it.
  478. “I know this doesn’t make us suddenly cool. You’re probably still pissed, I know I would be, but I really didn’t mean for things to take as harsh a turn as they did. You just seem like a riot from what I read, and then everyone in town said the same kinds of things, the perfect pink party pony…”
  479. >You pause to collect your thoughts together.
  480. “You’re like "Saturday morning cartoons” come to life and I thought to myself “Hey Anon, throw on some pjs, pull up a big bowl of sugary cereal and get in on this.” y’know? Oh wait no, no t.v., right…” you mumble.
  481. >You rise out of your chair and take a few steps back.
  482. “I goofed though, real hard. And I almost got you into some serious trouble and… hey, not everyone is going to like everyone. And I guess after today you probably really have a reason not to like me…”
  483. >You trudge over to the door and open it up, you look back into the room and watch Pinkie watch you, as stoically as she was when you first came in.
  484. “I can accept that… So, I’ll stay out of your hair. Keep my pjs in their drawer, eat oatmeal for breakfast instead. Maybe one day… uh, or no- I’ll just be seeing ya I guess. Bye Pinkie.”
  485. >You leave and shut the door behind you.
  486. >Well you really fucked this all up.
  487. >Time to drown your sorrows in some ice cream.
  488. >A habit you picked up from your boys, surprisingly therapeutic even if it’s not really healthy.
  489. “Maybe we’re going nowhere fast~”
  490. >You and Anon are spinning each other round and around in Ponyville Park.
  491. “And maybe we messed up the park’s bright green grass~”
  492. >You let go of each other and roll away on the ground, laughing as you both tumble.
  493. >You look up to the bright blue sky, but find that it’s blocked up by so many big smiles.
  494. >Hopping to your hooves to join these bright faces, you find that they were actually frowning and you were upside down.
  495. >Oops, seems like they need to be the upside down ones.
  496. “Alright, it’s alright, It’s alright you’ll see~” you exclaim, shooting them a huge smile.
  497. >Twilight, Officer Wings, and everypony else is backing up a little in surprise.
  498. >You’re about to ask them why but a velvety smooth voice answers your question for you.
  499. >”Alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, believe~”
  500. >You flip around and find Anon’s joining in!
  501. “It’s not so bad if you squint a whole lot~” you explain to the grumpy group.
  502. >They don’t seem to respond much to that, so maybe it’s not the park they’re upset ab-
  503. >Anon’s hand brushes through your mane, cutting your thoughts off completely.
  504. >He’s looking down at you with a smirk plastered on his handsome face.
  505. >”Maybe they’re jealous that I touched your sweet butt~” he says poking out a playful tongue at you.
  506. >A heavy blush forms on your face.
  507. >A gasp escapes the group, they look more shocked than that one time you accidentally used the zapapple jam you left on your nightstand because you were too lazy to light a candle.
  508. >Their faces look even more grumpy as they begin marching closer to the two of you, they’re chanting your name over and over.
  509. >Could Anon have been right?
  510. >You’d probably be jealous if somepony else bumped funbits with Anon too.
  511. >”I’m talki-ing to you Pinkie, while you have this dream~”
  512. >You do a double take as you watch Anon walk through a door that appeared in the middle of the park.
  513. >”Hurry-y and wake up or you’ll just want to-o scream.”
  514. >The door shuts and disappears, taking Anon off somewhere.
  515. >You hear the crowd getting louder, you spin around to find them almost face to face with you still chanting your name.
  516. >”Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie-“
  517. “…”
  518. >You blink your eyes.
  519. “AAH!”
  520. >The stiiiing! This only happens when you space out for a long while, or when you were trying to get your side project “lemon pillows” off the ground.
  521. >It didn’t get very far, that was quite the disappointment, and you had all those lemons and nothing to do with them…
  522. >”Pinkie Pie are you okay?”
  523. “LEMONADE! I COULD’VE MADE- AAAAAAAA-“
  524. >A hoof presses over your mouth, you follow the hoof up to it’s source, the body of Ponice Chief Cuddle “The” Wings.
  525. >Her hoof tastes of justice and… paprika?
  526. >”Yup, you’re alright” Chief Wings confirms to herself.
  527. >You look around, the ravaged field you were singing in is gone and a boring nonravaged room has taken its place.
  528. “Huh? Wha-?”
  529. >Ponice Chief Cuddle “Spicy Hooves" Wings is looking at you curiously.
  530. >”You’re free to go Pinkie Pie. Anon cleared “everything" up for us.”
  531. “A-Anon?”
  532. >Stutter? No! Why are you back?!
  533. >”Oh yeah, sounds like you really hooked him good-” she responds with a gentle nudge into your side.
  534. >”What the hay?”
  535. >You look down to see a wide strand of you connecting your barrel to Chief Wings’ elbow.
  536. >You pull out the jar of peanut butter you’ve started carrying around from your mane and begin rubbing the smooth mixture into the Chief’s elbow.
  537. “Sorry, I get all “gummy” whenever I think of Anonymous. I can’t even get near him or it starts happening.“
  538. >The chief grunts in response, pretty much exactly like every other pony you “gummed” onto.
  539. >Maybe you need to start buying name brand peanut butter? That’s probably why every pony gets uncomfortable while you do this, not everypony likes generic like you do.
  540. “I had a bad enough time trying to keep myself solid when i was in the food fight with him, I couldn’t even talk or I was scared I’d turn into goop right then, and the whole time my back hoofsies kept sticking to the ground so I wasn’t as fast as I wanted to be to end it quick-”
  541. >Small talk should help smooth things over while you work yourself out of the chief.
  542. >N-no homo.
  543. ”-And he didn’t let me. Any other pony trying to take my title would’ve taken it then, but Anon kept pushing me along until my love of food fighting overtook my lo-iking him a lot and I forgot about everything except for my doughnuts.”
  544. >Almost done!
  545. ”And then the next thing I know… I was dreaming about singing in a field... and now I’m here.”
  546. >”Sweet Celestia, Boy felt so good he made you forget everything during and after?”
  547. >Wait a second…
  548. >"Didn’t mention that in the smut I- uh, n-notes I took…” she mumbles to herself.
  549. >You make a squinty look with your face as you get riiiight up close to Chief Cuddle Wings.
  550. “What exactly do you mean by “he” and "felt good” and ”during” and “and” and "after” an-"
  551.  
  552. >You are Anon and you are just leaving the Ponice station with an unusual gait for you.
  553. >Tiny horse toilets and giant human butts make for an uncomfortable time.
  554. >The upside is that you usually spend less time just sitting there after you’ve finished since the seats are so small.
  555. >This was not one of those times, you felt really bad for making Pinkie Pie so upset that you just sat there feeling bad.
  556. >You wish there was something you could do, but what?
  557. >How do you come back from accidentally getting someone publicly accused of rape?
  558. >You let out a sigh and walk with your hands behind your head.
  559. >”HE DID WHAT?!”
  560. >The Ponice station and nearby ground rattles from the booming voice within.
  561. >Ooh, somebody’s going to get it.
  562. >”OH CELESTIA! YOU ARE GETTING ON EVERYTHING!” another voice shouts from inside, far less ground rumbly than the first.
  563. "Sounds like somebody’s getting their ass chewed out for being lazy” you muse aloud.
  564. >Oh! Speaking of, you need to get the stuff for dinner, you owe Twilight some pasta for throwing her under the bus earlier.
  565. >Better hurry home and get Spike, that little guy knows the markets like the back of his claw, and he also gets discounts at the ice cream parlor which is perfect, you’ve got a lot of sorrow to eat through.
RGRE Reversed Gender Roles Equestria Anon

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