You Rock My World (Archive 2014)

 

Regardless of her horrible hormonal errors, Rainbow Dash flew through the sky happily, content with the beauty of the day. Unfortunately, some of that dreaded adrenaline-piss throated to explode outward from her loins, and while Rainbow Dash wasn’t exactly a lady-like pony, she knew better than to just piss while flying. That’s how lawsuits happened.

 

Her gaze dropping groundownward, the pegasus spotted a nice bush for her to do her business behind. Swooping low through the atmosphere, Rainbow glided towards the ground at breakneck speeds. The force of the air pushed her eyelids back, her cheeks stretching to comical lengths behind her. Sliding onto the grass with expert precision, Rainbow smiling.

 

“Oh yeah!” she gloated, strutting her stuff. “Who’s awesome?”

 

The universe decided that it was not to be her, for at that moment, her careless hoof nicked a rock, sending her off balance.

 

“W-woah!” Rainbow hollered out as she began to fall. Time seemed to slow down, her remaining three hoofs lifting from the grass blades in slow motion, throwing up bits of dirt with them. Rainbow cocked her head to the side as her voice traveled thickly through the air, the sound deepening as time slowed. Flecks of spittle flew from bitchpone’s mouth as she traveled towards the ground sluggishly, her limbs all a flippity-floppity.

 

A poor ladybug, unable to escape the localized apocalypse, screamed in a tiny, cute voice as Rainbow’s shadow loomed over her. In an instant, her world was over, but to her, it felt like an entirety as the heavy pegasus slammed into her, crushing the poor insect into a faint smear upon Dash’s coat.

 

“Oof!” grunted Rainbow Dash as she collided with the ground, her cheek mashing into the dirt. Her mouth, still open, was thrust into the gritty surface. Her tongue was smooshed into nature’s floor, forcing Rainbow to give the soil a passionate kiss.

 

“Ugh... who did this?” Rainbow moaned unintelligently. Blinking wearily, she contorted about, looking for the offender. Spotting it sitting not but three feet away, her eyes narrowed.

 

“You son of a bitch,” Rainbow spat at the rock, which nefariously lay in the grass, unmoving. “You’ll pay for making me make out with the ground!”

 

The rock almost seemed to giggle maliciously, but it didn’t because it as a rock. This only made Rainbow more infuriated than she had been before.

 

“You asked for it!” she yelled, setting her wings into full throttle. Zooming up into the sky, the pegasus rocketed to the upper layers of the stratosphere, rocketing up higher and higher. The wind rushed past her, blowing her mane back almost completely parallel to the rest of her body. Just as she reached the cold, cold part of the air, the pegasus dropped back down, zooming to breakneck speeds, enjoying gravity’s helping hand in her quest.

 

About five hundred feet above the ground, Rainbow Dash fucked physics in the ass, and generated a sonic rainboom. A ring of color shot out from behind her in all directions, while a prismatic color tail trailed behind her. She shot out a hoof, tears being sucked out of her eyes, and aimed for the rock.

 

Just before she collided with the god-damn mineral, time slowed down yet again. Blinking her eyes slowly in disbelief and slight annoyance, Rainbow watched as a figure rose from the ground, right before the rock.

 

“M-maud?”

 

Maud Pie blinking a single time at Rainbow Dash. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do this, Rainbow Dash.”

 

Rainbow’s mouth fell open as she drifted gently over to Maud, who was moving in a completely normal fashion despite time having an aneurysm for the rest of the world. She lifted up a deep grey hoof, and held it up to Dashie’s outstretched one.

 

A curious and absurdly painful sensation washed over Dash, one only able to be described as though somepony were sucking out all her internal organs out of her anus with a bendy straw, as Maud’s hoof touched hers. Maud pulled her hoof back, now glowing with a white light.

 

“I stole your momentum, Rainbow Dash,” Maud said calmly as Dash floating to the ground like a freshly-plucked feather. “You will not harm any rocks today.”

 

Thrusting her hoof back at Dashie, the momentum was completely reversed, shoving itself back into Rainbow’s body at triple times the usual speed of momentum. Physics is a dirty whore, she loves getting fucked in the ass over and over.

 

Needless to say, Rainbow Dash expelled all of her adrenilurine.

 

In a brilliant, blinding instant, Rainbow Dash was incinerated by the pure momentum coursing through her supple body, her entire being blasted to bits. With a universal groan, physics orgasmed, sending a huge shockwave through all of Equus. The planet gave a mighty heave, and split in two, looking from space as though someone had cracked a planet-shaped egg in two.

 

Moral: physics is a tricky mistress, who is best left without satisfaction.