BiE 71: Pot to Kettle.


                                            =BiE 71=


                                            >Year 2 in Equestria.

                                            >Hour 3 in Canterlot.

                                            >"How about this one?" Lotus asks.

                                            >You look the building over.

                                            >"It's kind of big for a spa, don't you think?"

                                            >Lotus trots up to you. "Dear, half of our current spa is underground."

                                            >"And most of this towers above the street. The old spa worked fine with one story, why does this one need two?"

                                            >Lotus huffs and walks down the street. "You just don't want to have to walk up stairs."

                                            >You follow Lotus.

                                            >"My sloth aside, isn't a two story spa a bit extravagant for our second location?"

                                            >Lotus stops in the street and turns to you. "We have to make our mark here. We need something that these big Canterlot spas can't compete with."

                                            >You raise your arms and silently flex your fingers. "Something else dear."

                                            >"Oh, I see how it is. You've had your fill of my awesome fingers, so now we have to buy a building."

                                            >"We need something, some sort of hook, to get p0nies to come to our spa. You're good, but you're not -that- good." Lotus says.

                                            >You throw your hands behind your head.

                                            >"I blame my teacher."

                                            >"Yes, this is clearly her fault."

                                            >"If she had spent less time with her tongue down my throat, I could compete with these heavy hitters."

                                            >Lotus stops in her tracks and glares at you.

                                            Might have taken this a bit too far...

                                            >You roll your eyes.

                                            >"Sorry."

                                            >Lotus silently turns back and continues down the street.

                                            Great...

                                            >Silent treatment...


                                            >You followed Lotus a few feet back as she continued not talking to you.

                                            >"I thought this move was a long while away, why are we here now?"

                                            >Nothing.

                                            >"You're acting like a filly."

                                            >Lotus continued to stare straight ahead.

                                            >"I find your mother attractive."

                                            >Lotus stops in the street and stares at you.

                                            That got her.

                                            >"Can we talk now?"

                                            >Lotus's eyes narrow. "No."

                                            >She then continues trotting down the road.

                                            >Goddamnit.

                                            >"Babe. This is ridiculous."

                                            >Lotus mumbles something as she puts distance between the two of you.

                                            >"What?"

                                            >"I said I don't care and to stop following me!" Lotus shouts from down the road.

                                            >What!?

                                            What is this?

                                            >Is she-?

                                            She's ditching us here!

                                            >You were more than a bit annoyed, this was stupid.

                                            >You cup your hands around your mouth.

                                            >"Those fritters you ate on the train are going to your ass!"

                                            >Lotus flicks her tail at you as she turns onto another street.

                                            >You stand there for a moment before you notice that you are surrounded by p0nies staring at you.

                                            >"What!?"

                                            >The p0nies snap back to their own business and continue walking.

                                            >That's what you thought...


                                            >You stomped through Canterlot, ignoring the looks you were getting.

                                            >Eventually, you decided the take a seat on a park bench.

                                            Why's she leave like that?

                                            >She's probably PMS'ing, p0nies do that, right?

                                            Makes the most sense.

                                            >It's not like we lied or anything.

                                            We didn't! If we had spent less time making out, we'd be better at massages!

                                            >You sit and stew for a little while.

                                            >You're still trying to wrap your head around what you did.

                                            >You were always a bit rude, but that had never bothered Lotus before.

                                            >You weren't acting any differe-"Alone in the park?" A voice asked.

                                            >"GAH WHAT THE FUCK."

                                            >A shrill laugh resonates from behind a nearby tree as an enormous stark white p0ny steps out from behind it.

                                            >"Cunting hell, Celestia. Do you just stalk Canterlot in the off chance that I show up? The citizens are going to talk."

                                            >The monarch recomposes herself and speaks. "I happened to be taking a stroll through the city when what did I hear but my favorite human shouting about fritters and rear ends."

                                            >Fuck your life, she heard that.

                                            >You turn your head away as she continues. "I decided to follow you to see if I could gather any clues, but I'm afraid I came up emptyhoofed."

                                            >You dismissively wave a hand and walk down the path out of the park.

                                            >"Good. Stay out of my damn business."

                                            >The clinking of golden horseshoes tells you that isn't going to happen. "Oh come now, Mous. I have been alive for over a thousand years, you couldn't ask for better advice."

                                            >"I could ask somep0ny who isn't trying to stick her nose in my damn business.

                                            >Celestia trots up next to you. "That doesn't sound like you telling me what happened." She sings out.

                                            >You sigh. Can't hurt...

                                            >"Okay, what happened was..."


                                            >You walked with Celestia for a while as you both recanted what had happened and answered any of her inane questions.

                                            >"Was she annoyed when you came here?"

                                            >"Did you actually call her fat?"

                                            >"Did she catch you looking at other mares?"

                                            >Eventually you reach your admittedly short limit.

                                            >"No. I did not piss her off and home, or call her fat, and stop projecting your problems on me."

                                            >Celestia chuckles. "Then it sounds like she simply got tired of you being an ass."

                                            >"What? I wasn't being an ass!"

                                            >"Mous, you always act like an ass."

                                            >"Fuck you. I am not."

                                            >Celestia cocks an eyebrow. "Yes. Clearly."

                                            >"That's because I'm annoyed right now!"

                                            >You turn away and lean on a nearby wall.

                                            >Celestia walks up to you. "It's true Mous."

                                            >"Then why has nop0ny said anything?"

                                            >"Perhaps they have. Mous, think to yourself, how many friends do you have?"


                                            >You turn to face the monarch. "What is this?"

                                            >"Answer the question." She says.

                                            This is stupid.

                                            >"Anon, Lotus, You, Rainbow...Derpy, Aloe?, Uhh...Applejack...Twilight...Blueblood..."

                                            >"You don't sound too sure about some of those." She says.

                                            >"Piss off, I'm sure about the first four."

                                            >"So, your best friend, his wife, your special somep0ny, and me. We are all the friends you have?"

                                            >"Have you never wondered why?" Celestia asks as she orbits around you.

                                            >"I'm not a p0ny person."

                                            >"That aside, it's because you're an ass. You have four friends because you're a horrible jackass."'

                                            >"Then why they hell has nobody ever said anything?"

                                            >Celestia sighs in exasperation. "I told you. because they're either your best friend, his wife, or your special somep0ny."

                                            >You glance at her. "And you?"

                                            >Celestia chuckles. "I am incredibly old and incredibly patient, I can tolerate some rudeness."

                                            >Tch.

                                            >"You forgot to mention humble."

                                            >"Celestia releases a laugh. "Especially when that rudeness is entertaining."


                                            >You stood outside the hotel room you were staying at.

                                            >"This is a bad idea."

                                            >Celestia nudges you forward. "That's never stopped you."

                                            >"She's probably not even here."

                                            >"You won't know until you check."

                                            >You have your hand on the door knob.

                                            >"You should talk to-

                                            >A flash of light and a popping sound interrupts you.

                                            >You look back to see Celestia has made herself scarce.

                                            >"...You bitch."

                                            >You take a deep breath the open the door.

                                            >Lotus turns to look at you as you silently stomp into the room, drop yourself onto the couch, and cross your arms.

                                            >Lotus glares at you for a moment before returning to what appears to be her choice of spa locations.

                                            >"So..."

                                            >Lotus remains facing forward. "So...

                                            >That's good. At least she's talking to you.

                                            >"So, I talked to a friend."

                                            >"Anyp0ny I know?"

                                            >"Uh...an older one."

                                            >Lotus silently nods. "And?"

                                            >You throw our arms into the air and lean back on the couch.

                                            >"And I found out that I'm apparently a gigantic asshole all the time and that you should probably break up with me."


                                            >Lotus turns to you. "You found out exactly that?"

                                            >You look at her out of the corner of your eye.

                                            >"I may be paraphrasing."

                                            >She goes back to her list. "It's true, you are an asshole."

                                            >You snap your fingers.

                                            >"See? I knew it."

                                            >"Almost all the time."

                                            >"Preach."

                                            >"Your constant complaining is one of the most grating things I've ever experienced." She says.

                                            >"It makes sense."

                                            >"And any mare with more than half a brain would leave you in the dust."

                                            >"I always knew you were smarter tha-oof!"

                                            >You lean forward to see Lotus's head in your lap.

                                            Uhh...

                                            >"Am I missing something?"

                                            >Lotus turns her head to you. "I'm a twin, sweetheart. I had to split a brain."

                                            >"So...you're not mad at me?"

                                            >Lotus stretches in your lap. "Oh, I'm still mad. But you'd be amazed at how much having to walk around an unfamiliar city all day looking a buildings makes you long for some company."

                                            >Your hand falls from the couch and runs through Lotus's mane.

                                            >"Sorry...That I was an asshole."

                                            >"Anything less wouldn't be you." She says.

                                            >"Wouldn't that be better?"

                                            >Lotus giggles. "Dear, you're an incredible amount of fun to be around. It just has to be in doses sometimes."

                                            >Doses?

                                            >"Uhh...I can work on that, if you want."

                                            >Lotus looks up at you. "All for me?"

                                            >Your eyes dart around the room.

                                            >"Yes?"

                                            >Lotus pulls herself up and rests her head on your shoulder. "I'd like that..."

                                            >Your arms loop themselves around her.

                                            >"How much of a reduction were you looking for?

                                            >"A you who is half as much an asshole would be spectacular."

                                            Hmm...

                                            >"I can give you 75%"

                                            >Baby steps.