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BiE 71: Pot to Kettle.

By Mandroid
Created: 19th December 2020 12:55:52 PM
AIE Safe Anon OC Rainbow Dash Slice of Life

  1. =BiE 71=
  2.  
  3. >Year 2 in Equestria.
  4. >Hour 3 in Canterlot.
  5. >"How about this one?" Lotus asks.
  6. >You look the building over.
  7. >"It's kind of big for a spa, don't you think?"
  8. >Lotus trots up to you. "Dear, half of our current spa is underground."
  9. >"And most of this towers above the street. The old spa worked fine with one story, why does this one need two?"
  10. >Lotus huffs and walks down the street. "You just don't want to have to walk up stairs."
  11. >You follow Lotus.
  12. >"My sloth aside, isn't a two story spa a bit extravagant for our second location?"
  13. >Lotus stops in the street and turns to you. "We have to make our mark here. We need something that these big Canterlot spas can't compete with."
  14. >You raise your arms and silently flex your fingers. "Something else dear."
  15. >"Oh, I see how it is. You've had your fill of my awesome fingers, so now we have to buy a building."
  16. >"We need something, some sort of hook, to get p0nies to come to our spa. You're good, but you're not -that- good." Lotus says.
  17. >You throw your hands behind your head.
  18. >"I blame my teacher."
  19. >"Yes, this is clearly her fault."
  20. >"If she had spent less time with her tongue down my throat, I could compete with these heavy hitters."
  21. >Lotus stops in her tracks and glares at you.
  22. Might have taken this a bit too far...
  23. >You roll your eyes.
  24. >"Sorry."
  25. >Lotus silently turns back and continues down the street.
  26. Great...
  27. >Silent treatment...
  28.  
  29. >You followed Lotus a few feet back as she continued not talking to you.
  30. >"I thought this move was a long while away, why are we here now?"
  31. >Nothing.
  32. >"You're acting like a filly."
  33. >Lotus continued to stare straight ahead.
  34. >"I find your mother attractive."
  35. >Lotus stops in the street and stares at you.
  36. That got her.
  37. >"Can we talk now?"
  38. >Lotus's eyes narrow. "No."
  39. >She then continues trotting down the road.
  40. >Goddamnit.
  41. >"Babe. This is ridiculous."
  42. >Lotus mumbles something as she puts distance between the two of you.
  43. >"What?"
  44. >"I said I don't care and to stop following me!" Lotus shouts from down the road.
  45. >What!?
  46. What is this?
  47. >Is she-?
  48. She's ditching us here!
  49. >You were more than a bit annoyed, this was stupid.
  50. >You cup your hands around your mouth.
  51. >"Those fritters you ate on the train are going to your ass!"
  52. >Lotus flicks her tail at you as she turns onto another street.
  53. >You stand there for a moment before you notice that you are surrounded by p0nies staring at you.
  54. >"What!?"
  55. >The p0nies snap back to their own business and continue walking.
  56. >That's what you thought...
  57.  
  58. >You stomped through Canterlot, ignoring the looks you were getting.
  59. >Eventually, you decided the take a seat on a park bench.
  60. Why's she leave like that?
  61. >She's probably PMS'ing, p0nies do that, right?
  62. Makes the most sense.
  63. >It's not like we lied or anything.
  64. We didn't! If we had spent less time making out, we'd be better at massages!
  65. >You sit and stew for a little while.
  66. >You're still trying to wrap your head around what you did.
  67. >You were always a bit rude, but that had never bothered Lotus before.
  68. >You weren't acting any differe-"Alone in the park?" A voice asked.
  69. >"GAH WHAT THE FUCK."
  70. >A shrill laugh resonates from behind a nearby tree as an enormous stark white p0ny steps out from behind it.
  71. >"Cunting hell, Celestia. Do you just stalk Canterlot in the off chance that I show up? The citizens are going to talk."
  72. >The monarch recomposes herself and speaks. "I happened to be taking a stroll through the city when what did I hear but my favorite human shouting about fritters and rear ends."
  73. >Fuck your life, she heard that.
  74. >You turn your head away as she continues. "I decided to follow you to see if I could gather any clues, but I'm afraid I came up emptyhoofed."
  75. >You dismissively wave a hand and walk down the path out of the park.
  76. >"Good. Stay out of my damn business."
  77. >The clinking of golden horseshoes tells you that isn't going to happen. "Oh come now, Mous. I have been alive for over a thousand years, you couldn't ask for better advice."
  78. >"I could ask somep0ny who isn't trying to stick her nose in my damn business.
  79. >Celestia trots up next to you. "That doesn't sound like you telling me what happened." She sings out.
  80. >You sigh. Can't hurt...
  81. >"Okay, what happened was..."
  82.  
  83. >You walked with Celestia for a while as you both recanted what had happened and answered any of her inane questions.
  84. >"Was she annoyed when you came here?"
  85. >"Did you actually call her fat?"
  86. >"Did she catch you looking at other mares?"
  87. >Eventually you reach your admittedly short limit.
  88. >"No. I did not piss her off and home, or call her fat, and stop projecting your problems on me."
  89. >Celestia chuckles. "Then it sounds like she simply got tired of you being an ass."
  90. >"What? I wasn't being an ass!"
  91. >"Mous, you always act like an ass."
  92. >"Fuck you. I am not."
  93. >Celestia cocks an eyebrow. "Yes. Clearly."
  94. >"That's because I'm annoyed right now!"
  95. >You turn away and lean on a nearby wall.
  96. >Celestia walks up to you. "It's true Mous."
  97. >"Then why has nop0ny said anything?"
  98. >"Perhaps they have. Mous, think to yourself, how many friends do you have?"
  99.  
  100. >You turn to face the monarch. "What is this?"
  101. >"Answer the question." She says.
  102. This is stupid.
  103. >"Anon, Lotus, You, Rainbow...Derpy, Aloe?, Uhh...Applejack...Twilight...Blueblood..."
  104. >"You don't sound too sure about some of those." She says.
  105. >"Piss off, I'm sure about the first four."
  106. >"So, your best friend, his wife, your special somep0ny, and me. We are all the friends you have?"
  107. >"Have you never wondered why?" Celestia asks as she orbits around you.
  108. >"I'm not a p0ny person."
  109. >"That aside, it's because you're an ass. You have four friends because you're a horrible jackass."'
  110. >"Then why they hell has nobody ever said anything?"
  111. >Celestia sighs in exasperation. "I told you. because they're either your best friend, his wife, or your special somep0ny."
  112. >You glance at her. "And you?"
  113. >Celestia chuckles. "I am incredibly old and incredibly patient, I can tolerate some rudeness."
  114. >Tch.
  115. >"You forgot to mention humble."
  116. >"Celestia releases a laugh. "Especially when that rudeness is entertaining."
  117.  
  118. >You stood outside the hotel room you were staying at.
  119. >"This is a bad idea."
  120. >Celestia nudges you forward. "That's never stopped you."
  121. >"She's probably not even here."
  122. >"You won't know until you check."
  123. >You have your hand on the door knob.
  124. >"You should talk to-
  125. >A flash of light and a popping sound interrupts you.
  126. >You look back to see Celestia has made herself scarce.
  127. >"...You bitch."
  128. >You take a deep breath the open the door.
  129. >Lotus turns to look at you as you silently stomp into the room, drop yourself onto the couch, and cross your arms.
  130. >Lotus glares at you for a moment before returning to what appears to be her choice of spa locations.
  131. >"So..."
  132. >Lotus remains facing forward. "So...
  133. >That's good. At least she's talking to you.
  134. >"So, I talked to a friend."
  135. >"Anyp0ny I know?"
  136. >"Uh...an older one."
  137. >Lotus silently nods. "And?"
  138. >You throw our arms into the air and lean back on the couch.
  139. >"And I found out that I'm apparently a gigantic asshole all the time and that you should probably break up with me."
  140.  
  141. >Lotus turns to you. "You found out exactly that?"
  142. >You look at her out of the corner of your eye.
  143. >"I may be paraphrasing."
  144. >She goes back to her list. "It's true, you are an asshole."
  145. >You snap your fingers.
  146. >"See? I knew it."
  147. >"Almost all the time."
  148. >"Preach."
  149. >"Your constant complaining is one of the most grating things I've ever experienced." She says.
  150. >"It makes sense."
  151. >"And any mare with more than half a brain would leave you in the dust."
  152. >"I always knew you were smarter tha-oof!"
  153. >You lean forward to see Lotus's head in your lap.
  154. Uhh...
  155. >"Am I missing something?"
  156. >Lotus turns her head to you. "I'm a twin, sweetheart. I had to split a brain."
  157. >"So...you're not mad at me?"
  158. >Lotus stretches in your lap. "Oh, I'm still mad. But you'd be amazed at how much having to walk around an unfamiliar city all day looking a buildings makes you long for some company."
  159. >Your hand falls from the couch and runs through Lotus's mane.
  160. >"Sorry...That I was an asshole."
  161. >"Anything less wouldn't be you." She says.
  162. >"Wouldn't that be better?"
  163. >Lotus giggles. "Dear, you're an incredible amount of fun to be around. It just has to be in doses sometimes."
  164. >Doses?
  165. >"Uhh...I can work on that, if you want."
  166. >Lotus looks up at you. "All for me?"
  167. >Your eyes dart around the room.
  168. >"Yes?"
  169. >Lotus pulls herself up and rests her head on your shoulder. "I'd like that..."
  170. >Your arms loop themselves around her.
  171. >"How much of a reduction were you looking for?
  172. >"A you who is half as much an asshole would be spectacular."
  173. Hmm...
  174. >"I can give you 75%"
  175. >Baby steps.

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