Invader Luster

"Oh, wow! Being chosen to be the tenth alicorn in your service is such an honor!" Luster Dawn bows to Celestia. "I'm surprised you were able to build an entire armada for me so fast!"

"Yes, about that." Celestia smiled sweetly. "Your armada is only five ships, one thousand ponies and one thousand girffons."

"What?" Luster Dawn looked up. "But what kind of planet can I conquer with that?"

 

>The next day.

 

>Luster Dawn sat in the largest Yak city. Half the city is rubble and the other half is on fire. Lust Dawn didn't even have to open fire. They were destroying their own city when she got here!

"S-so I'm from the stars!" Luster Dawn called out to them over a megaphone.

"Haha! Yak Smash stars!" One yak squinted an eye and looked at the sky, pressing his hooves together like he was crushing them. "Yak invidible!"

>Luster Dawn cringed.

"Y-yeah anyway! Yo no one's surprise I can offer you a better alternative to a house that's on fire!" She looked around but there were no takers. "You know, I'd threaten to destroy your city if you don't comply but..."

The tallest building in the city collapsed behind her.

"But you seem to have that covered." Luster Dawn sighed, wondering what she was even supposed to do in this situation. She turned around to the mages standing behind them. "Look, just start throwing them in cages or something."

>Luster Dawn spent ten years in college for this! For fucking THIS!

 

 

 

 

>The yaks were still in the copper age, meaning they had countless tiny kingdoms of just a few thousand each. You’d think going through them all would be the hardest part of brining the yaks into proper submission befitting and inferior race, but no.

>The main problem was they were STUPID. Luster Dawn wanted to invent a new word just to define their immense stupidity. Maybe ‘splerg’ was appropriate.

>So far, 12 yak kingdoms new about Luster Dawn and the pony empire’s plans to invade and enslave. Their reaction? Attack EACH THEMSELVES for the honor of fighting the Pony Empire, believing the winner could destroy Lusters spaceship fleet with a single punch. Not even like, the kingdoms attacked the other kingdoms, but the members of their armies went into a massive free for all, pillaging their own homes.

>Their cities, farmland, mines and armies were already destroyed and Luster Dawn felt like she had nothing to do with that. They seemed to just randomly burn down their own towns for no reason from time to time.

>Oh, but there was this one genius yak that got all hyped up. Yalvo the schemer, they called him. A ‘tactical genius beyond the dreams of a pony’ they said. To be fair his plan was better than the standard ‘destroy your own city’ gambit of the other kings.

>His plan was to take his army and attack Luster Dawn.

>Wow!

>Only flaw was that right now Luster Dawn was sitting in a spaceship looking down at him, casually sipping her tea.

>Yalvo’s warriors jumped up and down below, trying to reach the spaceship. Some of them waved their spears at her or threw rocks. One of them climbed onto a box before jumping up at the spaceship.

“Okay, that one’s clearly the smartest here.” Luster pointed to Box Yak on the screen. “Abduct him.”

>Box Yak was immediately teleported into their holding facility.

“Now give me the microphone.”

>Her imperial wizard handed it over.

“Attention yaks!” The announcement rang out for miles. “We may look closer than we actually are because of how big this spaceship is, but we are currently 75,000 feet above the ground. For frame of reference, the tallest mountain on this planet is 31,000 feet. Birds can’t fly over 40,000 feet. You could stack the two tallest mountains on top of each other and still not get here. It’s completely impossible for you to reach us at your current technology level. Please stop before you hurt yourselves.”

>A cloaked drone was a few feet away from King Yalvo so Luster could see his reaction to this borderline divine revelation.

“Heh.” Yalvo smirked like he was just about to declare checkmate. “All according to plan. The pony underestimate yak plan! Pony not know true strength of yak! Not know true terror! But will!”

>Yalvo turned to his right hand yak.

“Bring…. IT!”

>The right hand of Yalvo’s eyes widened in terror and he shook his head. Yalvo let out a yell of range, took out his sword and decapitated his own right hand.

“Who else questions Yalvo?!”

>A few other yaks ran off to a nearby cave to go fetch… whatever.

“Yak posse ancient knowledge pony cannot fathom!” Yalvo began stroking his beard, looking up at Luster Dawn’s spaceship. “It be one thousand years since yak unleashed ultimate weapon of war. Ultimate tool of destruction need be locked up. Too powerful. But today finally an enemy worthy of seeing utter terror and destruction!”

>Luster leaned toward the screen, genuinely curios what this ultimate weapon was.

>The four yaks came out of the cave carrying something covered in a linen tarp.

>They set it down next to Yalvo.

>They pulled the tarp back to reveal…

>…

>A catapult.

>It was a catapult.

>Not even a very big one.

>Yalvo’s soldiers saw the thing and began screaming in terror, running in every direction to get away from the catapult.

“You mad, Yalvo?!” One of them grabbed him and shook him. “What if catapult destroy whole world?!”

“Then Yalvo die amazing death!” Yalvo Punched the yak with enough force to crack his skull. “Fire catapult!”

>Needless to say, the stone didn’t get even 1% of the way there.

>They loaded a yak on next, who got just high enough to die on the way back down.

>Luster Dawn let her head fall forward and plant into the keyboard.

“Celestia fucking dammit.” Luster waved a miserable hoof to her imperial mage. “Look, just blow up the catapult before they kill any more of their own guys.”

>A single shot from the ship vaporized the catapult just after is shot off its second victim.

>And that was how Luster Dawn won her first battle as an admiral.

 

 

>Luster Dawn decided that, with 50,000 yak kingdoms across the planet, at least one of them had to do that thing where you became leader if you defeated the leader in single combat.

>Despite their bravado, yaks were actually incredibly terrible fighters who defeated themselves before the battle half the time. Luster Dawn could take down thousands of them by herself.

>She had drones fly down to the planet and her computer analyzed countless conversations until she got a hit.

>’Can’t Think of Namia’ it was called.

>She took Imperial Wizard and two other guys down to the city state. The yaks immediately attacked but again, half of them tripped over themselves or just stabbed other yaks on the way over.

>Luster waited a few moments before a yak finally amanged to get to her and she threw it off into the distance with her magic.

“Attention yaks!” Luster called out to them. “I’m here to challenge your leader in single combat to show my dominance and superiority! I demand the trial of doom!”

>The yaks stopped their attack right then, stunned that Luster would take this risk on.

“I yelgo, second best dancer in kingdom.” A yak stepped forward. “You really think you can handle trial of doom?!”

“Yes, well as you can see I’m vastly more powerful than all of you combined.” Luster held her hoof out to the

“But trial of doom not fight competition,” said Yelgo. “Trial of doom dance off! To become leader you must dance better than current leader Yelga. No yak brave enough to risk ‘getting served’ in dance battle.”

“So you choose your ruler based on who the best dancer is?” Luster Dawn asked.

“Yes! All politics resolved with dance. To pass policy must outdance opponent. To collect taxes must out dance citizen. To own home must out dance current owner. To get job must be best dancer who wants it. To get married must out dance yak priest.”

“I’d say that’s the dumbest government system ever but I’ve been on this planet for six months now and can think of fifteen worse examples so never mind.”

“Yak acknowledge system is horrible,” said Yelgo.

“Y-you do?” Luster Dawn’s eyes widened in amazement of even that much.

“Yes! Dance based government not work. Lead to many hardship. Decline of yak society.”

>Luster had a hard time imagining yaks managing to do better than they were right now.

“Then why don’t you change the system?” Luster asked.

>Yelgo and his homies laughed.

“No way to change government! All yak know this! Government is what government is!”

“No, you can change the government whenever you want. Especially if your leader is just a good dancer, she’d be totally easy to overthrow.” Luster put her heart on her chest. “Then I can be your ruler and we can get rid of the giant pile of manure in the middle of your town!”

>Luster pointed to the giant pile of manure in the center of their city, stanching up the place. It was clear this was their waste disposal method.

“See, my plan is to move the manure OUTSIDE of the city.”

“That just crazy enough to work!” Yelgo gasped. “Yak think it impossible to move manure for 10,000 years! But cannot follow your plan unless you leader.”

“Fine! Then I’ll have a dance off with this Yelga character.” Luster Dawn rolled her eyes.

“You know not what you get into!” Yelgo declared. “Pony will be served! It eternal shame!”

 

>The dance off begins!

>Yelga began her ‘dance’, jumping up and down in the same spot repeatedly.

“Jump! Jump! Jump!”

>For a brief moment, Luster felt like she had this locked down. But then again the yaks were so incredibly stupid maybe this was the greatest thing to them. Like an actual dance would be too rich for their blood.

>Luster called her soldiers over for a huddle.

“Okay! Here’s the plan.” She looked to the two nameless guys. “The three of us will do an actual dance routine. If that doesn’t work then it’s up to you to flail around like a total retard, Imperial Wizard. They seem to like that.”

“I went to imperial mage school to ‘flail around like a retard’.” Imperial Wizard bemoaned his fate.

“Hey! I went to princess school to end up here! We all gotta do what we gotta do to get Celestia the empire she deserves!”

“Yes, ma’am.” Imperial Wizard saluted. “I will do whatever it takes to serve Celestia.”

“Alright! Let’s do this!”

>As Yelga’s dance concluded, one of Luster’s soldiers brought out a boom box.

>The music began to play and the three of them danced.

>And it looked a little something like this:

“Ah yeah! How you like that burn, Yelga.” Luster threw down her gang-hoof at the end of it.

>Yelga stared forward in total silence.

“Ah! Did I burn your tounge?” Luster asked. “Did getting served stun you into silence?”

>Yelga stood motionless, eyes dead staring off into the distance, drooling slightly.

“Uh.” Luster waved a hoof in front of her face. “Is she dead? Did she literally die because my dance was that good?”

>Imperial Wizard cam over to investigate, shinning a light into her eyes and running a brain scan.

“I don’t think she’s dead.” He concluded. “Her mind was just blown away by that dance so much she’s effectively braindead. You must have overloaded her senses to the point her brain fried.”

“Whoa!” Luster stepped back.

“I guess yaks just aren’t used to… quality?”

“It true!” Yelgo declared. “This dance beyond comprehension of yak! Not qualify!”

“What do you mean?!” Luster pointed to the comatose Yelga. “My dance was so lit that it destroyed the mind of your leader! I can’t even imagine a way to win a dance off harder than that.”

“Yes. But yak not sure if that make dance good or bad.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever say this again,” said Imperial Wizard, “but he might have a point. If a dance is so good it destroys your mind, then it’s kind of looped back around to being bad again, right?”

“Indeed! Yelga still ruler of yaks!” Yelgo declared.

“But Yelga is brain dead!” Luster gave her one last poke. “Both her neurons are fried!”

“Yak just have to be ruled by brain dead leader.”

“As if that wasn’t already the case.” Luster sighed and turned to Imperial Wizard. “Alright! You’re up! Impress them with something completely stupid.”

“Uh!” Imperial Wizard stalled for a moment. “Oh! I have an idea.”

>He put a hoof under his armpit and did that thing that made farting noises.

“Wah!” All the yaks stepped back in amazement. “Greatest dance of all time! True art!”

“That guy new leader!”

>The yaks all cheered and stomped their hooves.

“Hey I guess I-“ Imperial Wizard lifted his head with pride.

“Am immediately giving your title over to me!” Luster jumped on his back. “In accordance with your place in the herd.”

>Imperial Wizard sighed.

“Yes, princess. I cede the throne to Luster Dawn.”

“Then Luster Dawn new ruler of ‘Can’t Think of Namia!’”

 

>Later that day the yaks all gathered around to cheer for their new leader.

“Hail Luster Dawn! Smoothest dancer!”

“Thank you! My first act as your ruler!” Luster announced to them. “Is to make all of you slaves! You no longer have the right to own property or any rights at all for that matter. In fact you are all now my property and I will treat you as such! I expect total obedience at all times and will immediately implement a eugenics program on all of you.”

“Yeah!” The yaks cheered.

>They cheered just as loudly as they might if she’d announced free drinks.

“That announcement went over better than I thought.” Luster shrugged. “But I’ll take it!”

>That was one kingdom down, 49,999 more to go!