Cuddle Pie: Side stories

>The TV went over to the H-TV, but Apple Scythe turned it off and slowly rolled out of bed. That was an automated message, but getting one from Twilight herself was fairly rare. Twilight knew better than to make herself the pony that woke you up every day, but if she only did it every once in a while… it was like a treat then.

>One of the first things the ponies did after taking over was renaming everything, including the people. Those living in the Midwest were all put under the supervision of the Apple Family and given Apple or farming related names at random.

>You could hypothetically use your old name, but if a pony caught you doing so it’d be a demerit. That’s why Apple Scythe only used his new, pony name. Scythe was kind of a cool one, at least.

>Scythe was from Beta Gen, the youngest human generation who could remember the time before the ponies took over. In some ways, things felt a lot like they did before only with the Apples replacing the Bezos as the local rich overlords.

>Things were worse in some ways, but in others they were better.

>Scythe got way more breathing room when he was 20, for one. His current room was a luxurious 250 square feet, way more than he’d ever expected to get before the ponies showed up.

>He used to sleep in a room with no windows, heating or AC. It was a ten by ten foot room he shared with four other people, making the room little more than four bunkbeds stacked on top of one another.

>There was a camera that recorded everything you said and did in your room, but that was the sort of thing only a very old zoomer might take issue with. No one else could remember a time when everything they did wasn’t recorded.

>Apple Scythe got dressed and washed up before the second alarm bell rang, signaling breakfast time. The line was to the cafeteria was nice and orderly. The ponies hated disorder and wanted you to act like you were part of a herd instead of an individual. Trying to rush to the front or disrupting the line meant a demerit or solitary confinement. After 20 years everyone knew that.

>The ponies didn’t trust you with a kitchen, so instead of one of those you went down to the cafeteria to get your food. Food was one of the big things they liked to control. Their argument was that humans just couldn’t control themselves and would get fat if they got to eat however much they wanted. You absolutely needed a pony to control your diet for you.

>To be fair Scythe had been 270 pounds before the ponies came around. He’d lost a hundred pounds under their meal plan, was fairly lean and muscular and was probably healthier now than he was when he was 20.

>But still he liked to think his weight issues hadn’t been entirely his own fault. When he was a kid, the ‘Freedom of Food Act’ got passed, giving Bezos 2 the freedom to put anything he wanted in your food and the freedom to not tell you what it was. Everyone knew tons of sugar and addictive chemicals in everything, it felt like your brain was just melting if you went a day without the 2000 calorie Amazon Honey burger and you felt hungry again an hour after eating one.

>Nearly everyone had diabetes and weight issues in his high school class, but there was just nothing you could do about it. Bezos 2 controlled the entire food industry. The zoomers who ran everything only cared about the increased food sales boosting the economy.

>Eventually he got his meal. He did generally like the foods ponies gave out better than all that drugged crap he used to eat. They gave you a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. His only real complaint was that as an E rank he was purposely given less protein than he actually needed. Apparently low protein diets made you more docile.

>Scythe felt docile these days. But it was only 200 merits till D rank, then his life would improve significantly.

>At least he wasn’t an F rank any more, or worse an F rank in contempt. A lot of F ranks went through cycles of refusing to work. When they weren’t working all they got to eat was the nutritional paste most humans were stuck eating before the ponies enslaved them.

>On the TV, the most popular H-TV show was playing. ‘The Ice Mines’ a reality TV dedicated to humiliating Earth’s old elite and letting you feel better about your life compared to how bad the people in the ice mines had it.

“See, they underestimate us,” said X AE X-12, “they think the only reason the six of us became trillionaires was because our parents had hundreds of billions of dollars. But in reality it was our epic brains that got us where we were! Each of us is worth a billion humans because of how incredible we are. We found a way to talk without them knowing, that proves our incredible genius. This plan is sure to work!”

>The morbid irony was that this conversation was being broadcast live. Everyone knew what they were planning. The ponies were letting them put together their little escape plan just so they could crush it for the entertainment of the masses.

>He had to admit, cruel as it was, seeing those bastards get their just deserts was totally worth it.

>Scythe remembered his old job working for Amazon. They never repaired their robots to save money, letting them malfunction and kill a few people now and then because replacing a person was cheaper than replacing a machine.

>He’d gotten into an accident where his foot got cut off and saw three other people die. Bezos 2’s response when he asked for a day off to recover was still burned into his brain…

“We here at Amazon care deeply about the safety of our workers and you have our deepest sympathies in this difficult time for you. However you shift starts at 7:00 AM tomorrow. If you’re late you will be fired and evicted from your home and will simply have to starve to death. The medical bill is 50 million dollars which will be garnished from any future waves. Please don’t allow our machines to malfunction again, this is your final warning before being sent to solitary. With love from everyone here at Amazon! :)”

>There was no way to fight something like that. The ‘Freedom from Tyranny Act’ gave Bezos 2 the freedom to sue you for any reason, effectively allowing him to take all of your money. You simply couldn’t say one bad thing about him without losing everything. The ‘Freedom from Oppression Act’ gave people the freedom to put workers in as unsafe conditions as they wanted so Bezos 2 technically did nothing wrong in the eyes of the law.

>Thank Celestia the ponies invaded the next day. Scythe wasn’t sure if he could keep using the machine he’d just seen kill 3 people.

>After breakfast, the slaves were all loaded onto trucks and shipped out to the fields to work. Every once in a while

>One thing he could give the Apples credit for was that they actually spent all the money he made for them, which really did make it a bit less depressing.

>Bezos 2 used to brag about how he ‘couldn’t even think of anything to spend a quadrillion dollars on’ and yet the near slave labor of the masses went no where but slowly changing that one in his bank account to a two.

>The ‘Freedom in Democracy Act’ gave Bezos 2 the freedom to directly buy senators, presidents and judges and tell them how to vote. The ‘Freedom of Property Act’ gave anyone who wanted to the freedom to buy out and monopolize every business they wanted. But once he’d bought every senator and corporation there was simply nothing left but to watch all the infrastructure he didn’t need crumble to dust.

>The Apples, meanwhile, constantly reinvested their money into making things more efficient. They’d covered the entire Midwest in farmland, covered the entire Arizona and Amazon deserts with solar panels, built hundreds of thousands of windmills, filled the sky with satellites, rebuilt the entire American infrastructure, built hundreds of fusion reactors on the moon, built fleets of spaceships and asteroid mining systems.

>Scythe got driven out into the fields where he worked. The entire Midwest had been converted into a gigantic giga-farm called ‘New Apple Acres’ where they grew surprisingly few apples. To make revolt less possible, they mostly only grew hay for the ponies to eat. Nothing grown in this place was edible to humans, making them completely reliant on their pony overlords to eat.

>The places was just fields and fields of hay as far as you could drive. Thanks to earth pony magic and weather control, they were able to get multiple harvests each year and never had to leave the ground fallow.

>Today there wasn’t much grass growing in the fields, this patch had been harvested recently. Today’s task was picking up the leftover bits of grass and grain that were left behind by the harvest machines.

>It was a mercifully easy task. You got a laser pointer kind of thing with some magic crystal inside it. You ran the laser from that over everything and it’d teleport all the plant matter to the nearby truck.

>Scythe knew full well that he was feeding an army hellbent on destroying every other civilization just so they’d get to be the only one.

>He used to feel a lot worse about it but over the course of decades you just sort of… got used to it.

>The ponies expanded and conquered. That was just normal.

>Scythe felt like he was in between two extremes right now. On his right side were a bunch of kirin. Those were becoming more common these days. As the older humans died out, kirin were brought in to replace them instead of the younger, Equestrian-raised humans. Those were being shipped out all over the empire, humans quickly becoming a minority on their own planet.

>The kirin were humming a happy tune as they enthusiastically worked. Working for the ponies was simply the greatest thing in the world for them.

“I’m so stoked Twilight woke us up today!” One of them cheered. “She’s so incredibly nice! All ponies are! I know I’d never wake up without a pony taking care of me!”

“You know that was just a recording, right?” a second kirin reminded her. “Twilight is way too important to come talk to a bunch of slaves directly.”

“Huh?” The first kirin looked surprised, like she hadn’t pieced together that the recording she’d heard before was a recording. But then she laughed. “Well that sort of thing is why I let the ponies do the thinking for me!”

“Ponies should think for everyone!”

>The group of kirin laughed.

>Then to his left was an F ranked kid, 17 years old, R45. He’d been raised in Equestria but was too much of a troublemaker and too smart to ‘reform’ so he got shipped off here as punishment.

>He didn’t usually work, was anti-social enough to be able to just eat his nutritional paste and watch TV in his room without going crazy. But even people like him needed to get out once in a while…

>R45 was still doing the bare minimum amount of work, one hand in his pocket and only moving when the pony supervisor was looking. As usually he was looking for some trouble he knew he could get away with.

>Usually he liked making the kirin cry, an easy enough task as all you had to do was say something mean about ponies. He did that last time Scythe saw him outside, but he also got warned that doing so again would have ‘serious consequences’.

>Instead he decided to try messing with Scythe.

“You know, your generation was the absolute most retarted in all of history,” he said flippantly enough. “You had more wealth than any other time in history abut all you managed to do was willingly sell yourself into slavery? I wish you’d just blown all of your own brains out, it’d be as smart. I wish the ponies just killed all of you bastards. Slowly.”

“I can’t say you’re wrong, Kid,” said Scythe.

>R45 stared daggers at him, clearly pissed Scythe hadn’t gotten angry at that comment.

“Then why not kill yourself now, old guy? Do something right for once?” he asked.

“Well for one I want to live long enough to see Bezos Jr. die,” said Scythe. “He’s pretty old now so maybe we’ll both get what we want soon. What’s your excuse?”

>R45 was smart enough to realize his current game wasn’t going to work out for him and started looking for something else to break.

>But leaving it at that didn’t sit well with him.

“But man, I seriously don’t understand you old shits,” R45 went on. “America was a bastion of freedom. Why the hell would you assholes give that up to be slaves? Taking what little freedom I can is the only thing that makes me feel alive, you know? Am I seriously the only one who cares?”

>Scythe wasn’t sure how to explain his ambivalence towards freedom to this kid.

>The ‘Freedom of Worship Act’ let anyone with enough money copyright religions and sue you for practicing one too similar to theirs without paying them. The ‘Freedom of Choice Act’ gave you the freedom to dump any kind of pollution anywhere you wanted, making the cities smog-filled and the rivers black with ooze, all the drinking water quickly turning disgusting.

>The ‘Freedom of Protection Act’ gave you the freedom to own your own personal army and to use it against anyone you wanted. The ‘Freedom of Security Act’ gave you the freedom to lock anyone you wanted for as long as you wanted in your private supermax jail. The ‘Freedom of Privacy Act’ gave you the freedom to use your mass surveillance system to constantly watch anyone you wanted without their consent.

“I guess my own parent’s generation was obsessed with freedom in a way that we always hated,” said Scythe. “We learned the hard way that giving everyone freedom can take it away in some ways… But I guess the zoomers hated the generation before them for being too politically correct too. Maybe the real American legacy is that each generation leaves things a little worse for the next and we always hate our parents.”

>R45 didn’t know what to say to that.

“But I’ll say this- I don’t know if we did the right thing and I am sorry. I understand if you hate us.”

>Before they could say anything else, a Kirin ran up to them teary-eyed.

“Y-you weren’t saying anything bad about the ponies, right?” The kirin looked like she seriously might cry.

>Scythe knew the kirin wasn’t going to snitch, she was just legitimately hurt by the thought of them talking bad about the ponies.

>If you tried talking to one about how the ponies had conquered and enslaved their race they’d merely roll their eyes at you and tell you to let the ponies do the thinking.

>Pointing out any flaw with a pony to them was like pointing out that someone’s mother was technically whore because she was a sex worker. Even if it was true, they didn’t want to hear it.

“Of course we weren’t.” Scythe gave her a pat on the head.

“Great! Then we can get back to work!”

>They didn’t get far into their work before a limousine pulled up nearby. That was certainly a curious sight.

>He knew who this was immediately… Applejack!

 

>The griffons prowled the area for a moment.

>Griffons were a race you didn’t want to deal with if you weren’t a pony. They were almost eager to die for the sake of whatever pony they were assigned to, or any random pony really. To everyone else? Hyper aggression.

>Most of the races were bred to be as docile and submissive as possible, but the griffons had been bred to be the ultimate combat race. They always looked at you like they were waiting for you to give them an excuse to fight you. And an unarmed griffon could likely kill hundreds of unarmed humans…

>Already they were giving Scythe ‘that look’, but were soon looking over the other humans as well. He was glad there were a ton of other slaves around.

>The human with the gun looked much less threatening. You could tell at a glance that he was timid, nervous to be carrying the thing. Scythe wasn’t convinced he would fire it even in an emergency.

>That was how the vast majority of male A ranks were. The ponies tended to favor meek, timid ‘beta males’ as they would have been called back in the day. Only now they were the alphas. Shy, obedient guys like him were the only ones allowed to pass on their genes anymore.

“No need for y’all to worry!” Applejack called out to her livestock. “I’m just here teaching my sister about the family business. You can just relax and keep up the good work!”

>Everyone knew better than to disobey the Apple family. Even R45 kept his head down for the moment. The kirin took the longest to get back to work because they had to stop squeezing over the presence of such a powerful pony.

>It was insane to think that the Apple’s wealth and power dwarfed that of even Bezos and yet they weren’t nearly the richest or most powerful ponies. There really was no hope against them.

>The youngest Apple, Applebloom, came out of the limo next followed by her kirin pet. The kirin kept an umbrella over her mistress while Applebloom loudly sipped iced tea from a cup with a straw.

“Do I really have to have this gun, Mistress?” The A rank asked, clearly comfortable enough to raise an object. Scythe knew no E rank human would speak up to Applejack.

“Which one of us is a pony?” Applejack asked bluntly, no doubt not wanting to appear soft in front of the lesser slaves.

“You are, Mistress.” He bowed his head. “Forgive me.”

>Applejack lead her sister around, explaining what the slaves were up to. Applebloom was already carefully eyeing the slaves in the field one by one as they passed.

>This kid had a bit of a reputation. She loved ‘playing’ with humans, going on little power trips and playing jokes on them, especially when her friends were around to impress. She liked making you dance for her amusement, casting some crazy spell on you or forcing the gruffer humans to play dress-up with her, reveling in their embarrassment.

>But she was also known for giving out huge rewards to any human who just rolled over and took her abuse. She’d given out one-year vacations or over a hundred merits at a time. The only other way to get a hundred merits in a day was to take down a terrorist organization or something. So most people secretly hoped the kid would mess with them whenever she showed up.

>Scythe glanced over at R45, who was glancing over at the filly. These two trouble makers in the same place… it was like a lit match sitting on a firecracker.

>Applebloom was perfectly happy to trot out among the low-ranking slaves. Maybe ten years ago Scythe would have thought this was a security problem but he knew how hopeless it was now.

>There’d been dozens of assassination attempts against this kid over the years. None of them came close enough for her to even be a little scared of humans. If anything the filly looked like she was hoping someone would attack her just to get some smug amusement out of it.

>Even if it did work, killing or hurting her wouldn’t do anything but maybe give a tiny bit of satisfaction to the F rank slaves.

“When it comes to slave races that ain’t been quiet domesticated yet,” Applejack was explaining as they got closer to Scythe, “the key to controlling them is to humiliate them just the right amount. If you don’t keep em humble enough they start thinking they’re your equals or some such. They might think it’s possible for them to compete or defeat us and slaves thinking thoughts like that ain’t good for them or us.”

“But on the flip side, you humiliate them too hard and suddenly they feel like dying is better than working hard for the Celestia and then they’ll fight you to the death! That’s one reason we let the older humans keep their old, false religions. We gotta give them some concessions so they keep their heads down while we reeducate their kids and take control of their breeding. Their blasphemy will die out with ‘em.”

>They were really close to Apple Scythe right now. Applebloom looked up at him, sipping her drink very loudly. Scythe looked down at her and the two

>The second he looked at Applebloom she stopped sipping her drink, as if that was some kind of warning. His heart skipped a beat and he turned back to his work, faster than before.

“Heh!” Applebloom smiled at her tiny victory. “But how do I know where the line is, sis? I tried crushin’ the spirits of one of Dash’s humans but Twilight said I went too far.”

“It’s a bit of an artform you gotta learn over time,” said Applejack. “But one tip I can give you is that the little things are a sure bet to go for. If you try to crush something big that can backfire, but going in an controlling all the little things? Well that creates an air of total domination in their lives! Can you think of anything like that?”

“Um! Like how Dash dyes the hair of all of her slaves rainbow colors and only lets them wear the same color as her fur?” Applebloom guessed. “Actually I think Twilight does the whole hair-dye and cloak thing too. A lot of ponies are doing that now aday.”

“Yep! That’s one clever idea that’s spreading. Lets everyslave know where and to who they belong! You gotta dominate as many little things in your slave’s lives as possible from their bedtime to the food they eat to when you let them have sex. As earth ponies, we got a responsibility to be stewards of the land besides, take care of these animals and help them evolve into a proper herd species.”

>Applejack stopped in front of Scythe.

“There! That one!” Applejack pointed up at Scythe. “How about you try putting him in his place? It’s about time you start learning to emotionally manipulate slaves.

“Applesauce! Applejuice!” Applebloom called out to her kirin and human pet. “Whichever one of you gets me that hair dye thingy first gets a treat!”

>Her kirin looked absolutely elated to get to do something for her mistress. The human tried to follow suit, but the kirin was just so fast her didn’t stand a chance. She gave a spell scroll to Applebloom who immediately used it on Scythe, changing his hair to be the same color as hers.

>He knew it wasn’t just dye either, it would actually grow that color from now on.

“Now bow down and thank me for displaying dominance and all that!” Applebloom pointed down at the ground.

>Scythe knew he couldn’t disobey or he’d lose years of hard work trying to get to rank D.

>He knelt then bowed to the filly.

“Thank you for keeping me in my place, Mistress.”

“It was my pleasure! Oh! And your new name is uh… Apple… Apple… uh…” Applebloom tried to think of a random word. “Scythe? Yeah! Apple Scythe!”

>Scythe blinked, unsure if it was a good idea to embarrass a member of the Apple family. He decided to just roll with it.

“Yes, Mistress.”

“See, that’s the kind of attitude we need from humans!” Applebloom smiled. “I’m givin’ fifty merits, big guy!”

“You are incredibly generous, Mistress,” Scythe actually meant it in the moment. That was more than he got in the past six months!

“There! Good work, Sis!” Applejack ruffled her sister’s hair. “You’ll be a professional slaver in no time! Another thing that’s important to remember is that while our mansions and stuff are nice, we’re not doing this cause it’s profitable. We enslave other races cause it’s the right thing to do, so they can know the joy of serving ponies and-”

>Applejack’s holophone went off. She tapped her earpiece and a screen with Twilight on it came up. Scythe couldn’t hear what Twilight said, but Applejack decided it needed immediate attention.

“Just give me a few minutes,” Applejack told her sister, then ran off back to the limo.

>While her sister was away, Applebloom went straight to R45. The kid had been glaring daggers and disgust at Scythe and the way her rolled over for the ponies. It looked like Applebloom noticed that too and decided he’d be fun to play with.

>She started following him close behind, sipping her drink as loudly as possible, staring a hole in the back of his head.

>This got on R45’s nerves almost instantly.

>R45 glared down at her and Applebloom smirked.

“You need something?” R45 asked.

>The griffon immediately grabbed him

“Don’t you dare talk to our mistress so causally you ape!” The griffon put its talons against his neck.

“Now, now, Guile! I’ll let that one slide.” Applebloom gave the enraged griffon a pat. “Now uh, well your name ain’t important, I saw you giving my new friend Scythe a dirty look back there. How come? Scythe’s a real good boy.”

“I was just thinking of how pathetic he was.”

>Scythe was… impressed he actually said it. It was rare anyone talked back to the ponies these days.

“Well of course he’s pathetic! All humans are pathetic and weak, right?”

>R45 didn’t answer.

“Well?” Applebloom looked like she as getting giddy. “Are humans pathetic, stupid, weak inferior creatures who should be thankful us ponies even let them grovel for us or not? And don’t just say yes or no, I wanna hear the whole thing!”

>R45 bit his tongue and glared down at the filly. She was so tiny compared to him and yet wielded so much power.

“How long you think I should give him?” Applebloom looked at that A rank human.

“Um! I- ten seconds?” He guessed.

“Alright! You start counting down!”

>And the human did start counting down.

>That was a long ten seconds as the two troublemakers stared one another down.

>Applebloom kept sipping her drink, not a care in the world.

>R45 clenched his fists.

>The griffon opened his claws.

“You know what?” R45 lifted his head. “Fuck it! Fuck all of you! Just cause you’re strong enough to enslave other races doesn’t mean your good! I hope some other alien race shows up and kills all of you fucking monsters! I don’t even care if I die!”

>Then R45 kicked as fast as he could, trying to punt Applebloom.

>Trained assassins failed with much better plans so of course it didn’t work.

>The griffon was far faster and swiped at R45’s leg, cutting it clean off. He fell onto his back, clutching the stump and trying hard not to scream.

“Uh oh!” Applebloom glanced back at where her sister was. “Sis ain’t ever happy when the livestock got limbs missing. Applejuice! Go give him one of those injections then have one of these other kirin bring him back to their barn. I’ll let him off with just a few months in solitary.”

>Applejuice, the human Scythe now knew, ran off to get some medicine. The kirin, Applesauce, looked at her mistress with absolute adoration. That kirin always looked at Applebloom like just seeing her mistress made her happy.

“Wow! You really are kind, Mistress!” She cooed!

“I know it!” Applebloom gave R45 a pat. “If it makes you feel better, I got a forcefield amulet so you couldn’t have hurt me either way.”

“F-Fuck!” R45 managed to say.

“Could have had a whole fifty merits too!” Appelbloom shrugged, then looked out at the rest of the slaves who very quickly went back to work.

 

 

Exposition in Spaaaaaaace:

 

This takes place a few years after Cuddle Pie is born

 

>Twilight sat in her carrier ship, The Element of Magic, the newest planet in the pony empire far below her as she happily sipped tea.

>She’d successfully completed the first phase of the friendship assignment Celestia gave her and forced humanity into submission. There was still a long road ahead of her, teaching the humans about friendship, getting them to accept the pony way of thinking and become totally assimilated into the herd, but the most dangerous part had passed.

>Other than a few terrorist groups desperate to reject friendship at any cost, humanity had mostly submitted itself to Twilight for rehabilitation. Your average human kept her head down and went to work to help pay for their enslavement and the empire’s expansion into what once was their territory.

>Pretty soon she’d have the resources to start ponifying the rest of the planets in this star system and then it would be no different than all the other star systems in the empire, in total submission to Celestia like it should have been from the start.

>Of course, it was always important to keep looking ahead. Even once humans were just another slave race, unable to imagine or desire freedom, there would still be countless more friendship assignments, endless more races to bring the magic of friendship to.

>Twilight was reviewing a few prospects for future conquest. Ponies had satellites monitoring 375 planets with intelligent, but preindustrial life inhabiting them. These planets didn’t warrant immediate conquest. If no other portal-capable species showed up by then and Twilight did a good job with the humans, Celestia would give her the honor of requesting which species she conquered and enslaved next.

>Twilight’s armada, the sixth imperial armada, would be big enough to handle maybe two of three of these planets at once by then. It was hard watching them being alone with nopony to teach them about friendship. She wished she didn’t have to choose or wait, that could help all of them submit to Celestia at once, but sadly even the pony empire only had so many resources.

>Domesticating this star system was a huge project. Literally 100% of her fledgling armada was committed to this. She likely couldn’t even spare any ships if a serious threat appeared, but that was what the other armadas were for.

>Twilight just had to grow for now… could make serious impacts in the world later.

>Her favorite slave, Vellum, came in with the cookies she asked for. Twilight liked her tea bitter, but with something sweet to eat alongside it.

“Is this another one of your planets?” Vellum asked her, curious about the holograms.

>Even among wild animals, there were still some people like him who knew their species would be better off as part of a galactic empire than some disharmonious, polluted, backwater planet the couldn’t even unite among themselves.

>Obviously, humans like him who collaborated got special treatment!

“Hm?” Twilight looked up at him, then back at the hologram. “No, these are future expansion prospects. These little octopus looking guys are actually an intelligent race. Very few underwater species manage to get to metal tools, but these ones developed them recently.”

>Twilight zoomed out the hologram to instead show the entire star system, its ten planets blown up out of scale.

“Getting to help integrate them into the herd is only one of the perks of reclaiming this star system, though,” Twilight explained. “The planet they’re on has 500 times more water than Earth. The entire solar system has millions of times more water than yours. Can you imagine how satisfying it’d be to get to bow down and present this asset to Princess Celestia?”

“But won’t it be some other alicorn doing the bowing?” Vellum asked. “I was under the impression that every species got an alicorn to oversee our assimilation.”

“I doubt Celestia is going to create an alicorn just for this species. They’re still tiny.” Twilight chuckled at the idea. “You don’t exactly have the right idea, though. Each lesser alicorn, like Cadence and Sunset Shimmer, Celestia creates is given her own armada. These are the six imperial armadas! We move in to star systems chosen for assimilation, assert our superiority, then oversee the ponification of its planets and species before leaving to help a new species.”

“So eventually you’re going to leave us?” Vellum asked, somewhat teasingly. “But we’ll be lost without you.”

“It’s not like I’m going to throw you all back into the wild after I make you dependent on us.” Twilight waved away his concerns with a smile. “It’s more like eventually humanity will be all grown up- a fully evolved herd species that won’t need any more help from me. You’ll be like the kirin or diamond dogs. They don’t need indoctrination because obeying us is instinct to them.”

“It really is hard to imagine the kirin fought against you at first.” Vellum looked over at a nearby kirin, scratching his head. “They’re just so… passive. Like they’d never fight back no matter what.”

“It’s true they used to be totally different. Looked different, even.” Twilight brought up a holographic image of an old world kirin. “This is what kirin used to look like, before their domestication.”

>Its fur was black. It had sharp fangs. Its mane and eyes burned with a gentle, magical fire. Its eyes glowed white.

“Believe it or not, kirin used to be short tempered and often resorted to violence.” Twilight beckoned for a passing kirin slave who quickly rushed over to enthusiastically receive a pat on the head from her mistress. “Now look at how affectionate they are! Since they were our first slave race, we really bred a lot of docility into them. A herd kirin wouldn’t fight back no matter what you did to them. Isn’t that right, Autumn?”

“Absolutely mistress!” Autumn agreed like it was a reflex. “Fighting is scary to me. If someone’s being mean I just go get a pony. I don’t think I could ever fight…”

>Autumn hid behind Twilight, shy at just the topic of violence being brought up. There really was no way for this species to live outside of a herd anymore. Just the way it should be!

“Which is exactly why they’ll never be free again!” Twilight declared, giving the kirin a reassuring nuzzle.

>She regained her confidence, happy at the idea of staying submissive and dependent on Twilight.

“And you really are happy being like this?” Vellum asked her.

“Of course!” Autumn smiled and cheered. “I love working for the ponies! I can just do whatever they tell me and not be stressed out with all this heady stuff you humans seem to worry about. The ponies will take care of everything for me, so knowing they control my life makes me feel safe and happy. Being a cog in the herd is the best possible thing!”

“I can’t deny your kind certainly look happier than most humans.” Vellum shook his head. “I remember going online and everyone talking about how miserable their lives were… how they just wanted to kill themselves. I’m not sure if I ever met a single human who would say their life was happy.”

“Well thanks for helping. You can run along now.” Twilight shoed the kirin back to her work. “So are you convinced

“I was already convinced, mistress. You just seem to like proving it despite that.”

“Well you seem to like having it proven.”

“Though now I’m curious if humans will look different in the future.”

“Maybe something like this?” Twilight suggested, pulling up another hologram, this one a projection of what humans might look like in the future.

>The human wasn’t too different from what you had now. It was shorter with larger eyes, had small breasts for a female. The clearest different was pony-like ears

“Most species gain neoteny when domesticated, they look a bit more childlike. Men will stop growing beards, women will likely only have enflamed teats when breastfeeding. The main thing we want to change is altering your currently under evolved ears. If you’re going to be largely a pet race, you’ll need to be able to express your emotions better.”

“I’m getting a sense of uncanny valley from this hologram,” said Vellum. “But I suppose they’d think the same of me, right?”

“The important thing is that they’ll look more pleasing to ponies,” Twilight concluded. “Your species is our property so we get to decide what you look like.”

“So the pony empire has six lesser alicorns and six imperial armadas,” Vellum mused to himself. “Does that mean you can only assimilate six races at a time.”

“WE can only domesticate six races at a time,” Twilight corrected him. “Remember that you’re part of the herd now too. But we’re already building a seventh imperial armada, your species is helping with that actually. The rate at which Celestia creates new alicorns is accelerating and there are a few corporations that are getting big enough to enslave some smaller, weaker races themselves. Heh, don’t look so worried about that. Pony corporations prioritize serving Celestia, not making money.”

“I have to admit, that’s one area where I can’t deny your superiority on any level.” Vellum bowed his head. “Human rulers tend to be so much more… selfish than ponies. They’re willing to burn the entire planet for money they don’t need. Maybe there are some things I don’t fully accept about your species yet, but you have a stronger sense of duty to even those you enslave than Bezos ever did to his own species, to supposedly free people.”

“If I were a human in my position, I might be tempted to ‘go into business for myself’. Heck, the society you came from favored people who’d be tempted into the roles that would tempt them. I mean, I have my own armada, a small collection of planets off on a branch of the empire, an entire species at my disposal.”

>In reality, Twilight’s branch of the empire was still the smallest, newest and weakest. But it was still more than a non-pony race could muster.

“But that’s just not the sort of thing ponies do. We have a much stronger herd instinct than the inferior races and absolute devotion to our princess! There’s never been a major revolution against Celestia or Luna because that just doesn’t make sense in our heads. Even now, as an alicorn, I see myself as only existing for Celestia’s convenience just like you exist for mine. I’ll give you that your race did very nearly unite against us, the griffons actually kept fighting each other even during our invasion. I feel like that’s a good sign for your future as a herd species!”

“So those octopuses just get to be free for now?”

“HAVE to be free.” Twilight gave him an annoyed look. “This poor species is suffering without us there to control them. I really do feel bad for them but only species that manage interstellar travel, like yours, warrant our immediate attention before they hurt anypony. I feel terrible about it… but they do have to be left alone for now.”

>Twilight closed her eyes in a moment of silence for all the races she couldn’t enslave. She hated thinking about how lonely this entire species must be, how terrible their lives were devoid of harmony and friendship, things she could bring to them if only she had more to work with. In a better world, she’d have all the resources she needed to help every intelligent species get assimilated.

>But creating that better world was why Celestia made her an alicorn in the first place!

“Even if we can’t spare enough forces to invade right now, there are ways we can start grooming them until it’s finally their turn to become enslaved. We monitor them closely and if they start industrializing or something, well a meteor will just happen to hit their planet and start a short ice age to keep them pre-industrial and unable to resist our advances.”

>Twilight returned the hologram to the squid planet, to a satellite feed of one of their changeling slaves in disguise talking to some of the other squids.

“Changelings infiltrate their society, perform a few ‘miracles’ with our advanced technology and magic and presto! You got a new religion. We teach them to worship the sun and moon, that the group is more important than the individual, that slavery is a good thing, that sort of thing. Makes it easy for them to convert to our way of thinking when we finally show up.”

“Couldn’t you just have the changelings take over?” Vellum asked. “Have them become the leaders of these worlds, running things behind the scenes like that old lizardman conspiracy. Then when you come around they’ll just hand everything over.”

“That would be more efficient, but we have to think about the moral cost of something like that. Becoming a slave race is like a contract with us. You give us absolute submission, giving up your old culture and devoting your lives to serving us and making our lives comfortable. In exchange we guide your evolution into a herd species and make sure you never have to be free or rule over yourselves again. Letting a human or changeling rule something now that they’re under our care would be… obscene. Cruel.”

>Vellum became pensive for a moment at that explanation. Twilight knew what that meant.

“Hm?” Twilight raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you disagree with something? I’d be happy to explain why you’re wrong.”

“Sorry, I still struggle to understand your mindset sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I still think being part of your herd is for the best. I just can’t help but see giving up our autonomy as the price we pay for that.”

“It’s because you were raised in a cruel, backwards society.” Twilight shook her head sadly. “But don’t worry. When you get reincarnated you’ll get taught proper pony values. Then you’ll understand.”

“Reincarnated?” Vellum smiled, a bit playful. “I thought I would get to go to heaven, though. Am I not your pet?”

“You are.” Twilight lifted her hoof and Vellum bowed down to let her pet his head. “and I love you very much! But being born outside the empire means you’re too impure to enter the divine realm. You’ll just have to be patient. But I’m sure a good boy like you will get to be a comfy pet in your next life!”

“I already feel like a comfortable pet.” Vellum laughed. “I suppose dogs really do have it better, now that I’ve lived both lives.”

“You’re welcome,” said Twilight. “But you’re happy because you’re in your proper place. The second a pony shows up your basically are just a dog that we need to train, so of course you’d be happy living like one. It’s just the natural order.”

“Hasn’t there ever been a race that managed to give you a hard fight?” Vellum asked. “Or have you really managed to just steamroll everything you’ve run into?”

“There was one.” Twilight nodded. “Actually only one species that ever forced us to use the divine armada, the largest one Celestia and Luna command. We had to use all four of the ones that existed back then, even.”

“My first guess is dragons, but that doesn’t actually make sense when you think about it.” Vellum shook his head, then thought for a moment. “I suppose the changelings have something like a hive-mind, right? That’s similar to your herd thing. Maybe it was them? I can see some sort of zerg-like swarm being a problem.”

“See? You are smart for an inferior being!” Twilight felt so proud for him. “You’re right. Changelings were another assimilator species like us. You have predator species who do the assimilating, like use, then you have prey species who get assimilated like humans. The changelings had already assimilated several species when we found them, though they did it a bit differently.”

>Twilight brought up a wild changeling, not extinct. They looked nothing like the modern ones, who looked similar to ponies. One of them looked much like a beetle and another like a giant wasp, both still keeping the large holes they had inside them.

“They would devour the other species and assimilate their DNA, creating a new morphological form within their hive. They had massive ones twice as big as this carrier that could funnel them to new planets and eat every living thing there. They could reproduce at a massive rate, too. A single queen could make over a billion of them in a single year. One changeling queen can land on your planet and end all other life in just a few years.”

“That’s…” Vellum frowned at the bug monsters. “Well knowing there are things like this in the universe makes me even more glad we’re under your protection now.”

“Ha! No need to look worried, I’ll protect you.” Twilight gave him a pat. “They did manage to kill billions of ponies, that’s where the modern pony-looking form came from. “But we eventually managed to disrupt their psionic communication network and overtake them. Domesticating them only took like 20 years thanks to how fast they reproduced. Now the changelings work for us with the same mindless devotion they once worked for their queens. If we’re even in a real bind we can just unleash our pet swarm on an enemy, hundreds of billions of changelings suddenly flooding them. We call that tactic the ‘changeling rush’ though we never had to use it before.”

“Yeesh. We never really stood a chance at all, did we?” Vellum shook his head.

“No one does!” Twilight smirked. “I absolutely loved the look on that general guy’s face when I told him this was only our smallest armada invading your planet. But thanks to the hard work of our newest slaves mine will be a proper armada soon! Then I can expand the empire even faster for Celestia!”

>Twilight sipped her tea, thinking happily of the planet she now owned and the species she was assimilating. Expanding felt great! It was good to be a pony.

 

 

 

>We interrupt your planet’s communication infrastructure to bring you a message from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Communications on your planet will not be restored until ponies are in your are.

>Twilight stands before a beautiful landscape in Equestria.

“This is the Pony Empire! The Pony Empire is at the forefront of science, ours is the greatest technology and magic. We have completely eliminated pollution, cured nearly every disease and have obtained near unlimited resources from interstellar travel!”

“Every member of our empire is seen as valuable in their own way. Those who are too sick or weak to work are always given the help they need to be able to contribute to society again. Those who only do tasks you might find menial aren’t looked down on or forced to live in squalor, but their contributions are appreciated and they are allowed to feel like they have a purpose. All life has a purpose in the Pony Empire and that’s glorifying our princess!”

“Over 150 planets and 60 species are now part of our empire. The newest member of our happy family? Surprise! It’s you!”

>Twilight pointed to the screen.

“That’s right! Your lucky planet has been chosen to be integrated into our empire! You’ll get to enjoy all the benefits I mentioned and more! Effective right now all of your governments are no longer legitimate. Feel free to disobey and non-pony authority you encounter. Those in power- we ask that you humbly step down and work with us to take over your planet. Continuing to act as rulers will be considered treason and will be harshly punished.”

“As for the rest of you, I can assure you there’s no reason to resist. Despite claims of democracy you were never really in control in the first place. Can any one of you claim that your ‘representatives’ only represent the wealthy elite who bought them out? That your few democratic rights and freedoms have already been eroded to dust? The only difference for you is that a new, more competent driver will be driving the bus from now on.”

“Your planet is being strangled by pollution and your leaders are too incompetent and greedy to correct this. The majority of you live in untold squalor, working hard all day long only to be told that your work is meaningless and pathetic and to be given just enough to live. Nihilism and a sense of doom pervade your lives.”

“There’s no need to feel ashamed. Underevolved species with intelligence but no true herd mentality always fall into the same trap. But I can offer you hope! I can offer you freedom from your nihilism by giving you a purpose. I can offer you freedom from poverty by guaranteeing a basic standard of living for all who obey. I can offer you friendship!”

“How do I know I can help you?”

>Twilight smiled wide.

“Well I’ve personally done it all before with another species known as ‘humans’!”

>Twilight brought up an image of a wild human on the screen. A beady-eyed, nasty looking fellow in retrospect.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much the life of the average human has improved since I added them to the empire. So why don’t I show you?”

>Papyrus, Twilight’s current pet ran in and eagerly hugged her mistress, rubbing her cheek affectionately against Twilights’. She’d been waiting patiently for the chance to run up and hug Twilight this whole time.

>Twilight had watched over Papyrus’s family for generations, taking care of each one their whole life through, making sure they lived the happiest life a pet could have.

>But Papyrus didn’t look too similar to Twilight’s first pet human, Vellum.

>Humans had split into two tribes by the time they were domesticated. There were the laborers who worked diligently with their dexterous hands. They looked a lot like the humans of old.

>Then there were the pets, satyrs they were called, like Papyrus.

>From her waist down, Papyrus looked very much like a pony on her hind legs. In fact, if she bend over and put her hands on the ground she’d look nearly identical to a pony from behind. Satyrs could easily and comfortably hold that position which was something stallions tended to appreciate as it made them much easier to mount pony style.

>There were a few other differences too. Her eyes were much larger, her chest was nearly flat despite being a grown woman as in satyrs they only inflamed when pregnant, her ears were pointy and flexible like a pony’s and she was much shorter. The average satyr rarely got over 5 feet, Papyrus herself being maybe 4’6”.

“As you can see, they look a bit different thanks to selective breeding and genetic engineering to infuse them with some pony DNA.” Twilight pet Papyrus back. “As you can see, they’re exceptionally cuddly, happy folk. The perfect pets! Look how happy she is! I wonder how many of you can claim to be this content with your place in life.”

“Being a pet is the best possible thing,” Papyrus assured the audience. “It’s all of the luxury with none of the work. I just get to cuddle with my owner and play and be happy all day long!”

>Papyrus looked at her mistress with total adoration. Satyrs were always happy so long as they were near their owner.

“The average human used to have to work long, soul crushing hours for nothing but their own existence in a tiny, cramped room. But now, as our pets, they live lives of luxury just like Papyrus said.

“That’s not even close to all. Humans used to be a violent, warlike species quick to aggression and constantly at war with each other. Can you imagine going to war, Papyrus?”

“Well one time I did get so mad at somebody that I made a mean face at them!” Papyrus tried making a mean face now, but quickly broke into a laugh at how silly the idea of an aggressive human was to her. “I felt kind of bad afterwards. I don’t think I could ever do more than that, mistress.”

“The only thing her ancestors ever did with their supposed ‘freedom’ was posting pictures of some frog on their neural network in a ritual they themselves called ‘shitposting’. I kid you not. They developed a neural network and never did more with it than that.”

>Twilight gave her pet a pat on the head, much to the satyr’s delight.

“But now she has a clear sense of inner peace and belonging. There’s no need to take her frustration out on strangers. Of course, not all of you will be pets. You species seems more suited to labor, actually, but there’s no need to fear! The second tribe of humans are now perfectly suited to repetitive work.”

>Twilight brought up a screen of a row of human diligently working to assemble

“Repetitive work used to be soul crushing for humans. Nearly 15% of humans suffered from depression and their suicide rate was sky high! Today, shutting their brains off to go get some work done is their favorite thing. Suicide in either type of human is now unheard of.”

>Papyrus applauded her fellow humans as the image vanished.

“We offer you respite from your poverty, your mistakes, your nihilism and your greed. All we ask is that you present your planet to us like a blushing maiden presenting herself to her lover. I promise we’ll be gentle!”