[FLUTTERRAPE] Divine Intervention


                                            Some Anons were talking about eggs. It was wild.

                                            ---


                                            >"I suppose this story ends predictably?"

                                            "He threw me out, though I didn't land in a puddle this time, at least."

                                            >"So you walked through all of Ponyville covered in egg yolks?"

                                            "Yes," you say with a sigh.

                                            >"Perhaps landing in a puddle might have been the preferable option to smelling like... that."

                                            "It's not that bad, is it?"

                                            >"Mm, something about the midday sun and egg never mixed terribly well. You smell, how shall I put this: foul."

                                            >You look glumly at the floor of your cottage.

                                            "Thanks for being honest I guess, Discord..."

                                            >Discord, the draconequus himself, is settled in your living room.

                                            >Not -on- anything, as such; he's opted to float this time, yet stretches and reclines in thin air as though it was a plush cushion, crossing one scaly green leg over its furry hoofed counterpart.

                                            >"Fluttershy, you know that I've grown terribly fond of you of late, so I won't demean you by lying to your face when you smell like rotten eggs. Which you do. However, I must say I am -very- surprised to hear of all this."

                                            "Is me being in love really that hard to believe?" you give him a quizzical look.

                                            >He scratches his chin, dragging two digits through his beard in thought.

                                            >"I never took you for the romantic type; I thought animals and that rabbit you own were satisfactory enough. How long has this been going on for?"

                                            "A few months; I'm sure I'll be able to get him, but I just need to discover his fetish."

                                            >"And that's all you've been doing? Cracking eggs on yourself?"

                                            "Not just that, I've been doing all sorts of things! I've been dressing up, dressing down, wearing funny hats, playing musical instruments, singing, cooking him things, cleaning his house--"

                                            >"Fluttershy really," Discord states with an unamused look, "this all sounds very interesting, but I doubt cleaning someone's house is going to inspire 'love', whatever that even is. Unless your goal is to simply be as servile as possible?"

                                            >You give him a small smile.

                                            "Ooh, come on, you know what love is, surely?"

                                            >"I've had brief contact with the stuff; as far as I remember it burnt a hole through my roof."

                                            >You roll your eyes, amused.

                                            "Love is more than that, Discord. It's about... sharing your life with someone! About waking up with them every day, sharing your troubles and worries; it's about commitment and building something together."

                                            >He nods, thoughtfully.

                                            >"Sounds utterly boring; little wonder you're so enthralled."

                                            "Maybe to someone like you it is, but to us regular ponies love is the most wonderful thing in the world."

                                            >"And this 'Anonymous' character; when did he show up? Last time I was here you were spending all your time watering plants and running around with your friends doing Chaos-knows what."

                                            >You sigh as you recall your first meeting with him.

                                            "One day, he just dropped out of the sky and into my life..."

                                            >As you launch into your tale of how Anonymous appeared and swept you off your hooves, and how your life was never the same again, Discord slowly dons a pair of glasses with fake eyes behind the lenses.

                                            >His jaw goes slack at one point and he starts drooling.

                                            >You don't notice and carry on for a good fifteen minutes.

                                            >It's a joy to revisit your fonder memories, and you share tales of your exploits thus far to court the mysterious human.

                                            "...So really, it's never been about the fetishes; it's about seeing him each day and doing something new to brighten his mood, even though it kind of only annoys him, but still! So, um, what do you think?"

                                            >Discord floats unevenly, an unbroken string of drool stretching several feet from his mouth to the floor, coiling at the bottom like a long piece of rope.

                                            "Um, Discord?"

                                            >"HACK-- ah! Yes, yes, very good, Fluttershy, very good." he whips off his glasses and casts them back over his shoulder where they take flight and flap out the open window.

                                            >"Your tales and trials are both moving and exciting, and I'm sure this Anonymous person is as tremendously fun as you make him out to be. Now, onto more important matters."

                                            >He drops onto the floor, standing normally before you.

                                            >"When are we going on that trip to South Springs? You said we could go and look at the waterfalls, and frankly, having spent the last seven months on vacation in my own realm, I could really do with a holiday. Doing nothing is tiresome work, as I'm sure you'll agree."

                                            >You giggle and shake your head.

                                            "Sorry, Discord, I have plans for the foreseeable future."

                                            >"Oh, what are 'plans' anyway, just make new ones when you get back!"

                                            "I'm sorry, but I need to be here to make Anonymous mine."

                                            >Discord rolls his eyes in as exaggerated a manner as he can muster.

                                            >"Are we -still- on that? Look, just tell him you'll win his heart when you get back, and we can take a few days off starting today. Besides, I have some new card tricks I wanted to show you, and they only work underwater."

                                            >He spawns a fish-bowl full of water with a snap of his fingers.

                                            >You regard the deck of playing cards floating around within, currently on fire, with curiosity.

                                            >"Bet you've never seen Anonymous do -that-, have you?" he confidently asserts, banishing the bowl with another snap.

                                            "Maybe not... but he has the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard; oh, you should hear him sometimes!" your voice drops lower as you attempt to impersonate him, "We're no strangers to looove, you know the rules, and so do I--"

                                            >"Yes yes, I see," Discord dismissively waves his claw.

                                            >He frowns down at you.

                                            >"So you refuse to do anything -fun- until you've secured this creature's hand in marriage, or something to that effect?"

                                            "W-well maybe -marriage- is a bit too early to think about, but um, maybe? I'll happily go with you later, Discord, but this is something I really need to do. I-I love him!"

                                            >The draconequus sighs heavily.

                                            >"Fine, fine. Fine! Alright, have it your way."

                                            >He swipes the air before your face with his lion paw and every egg and shell splattered on you lurches off and onto the floor, amalgamating together to form a gooey egg-slime chicken-approximation that totters unsteadily out the door and towards your chicken coop around the back.

                                            >He then grabs a handle that you hadn't noticed was fashioned to your wall and pulls, revealing a doorway to a multicoloured swirl.

                                            >"I'll be in touch to go over the details of our holiday together. I shouldn't be too long."

                                            "Oh, um, okay? Well what are you doing now?"

                                            >The beast gives you a long look.

                                            >"Networking."

                                            >And with that, he enters the prismatic miasma and shuts the door behind him.


                                            >You wake up and stretch your body under the covers.

                                            >Feet are cold again; you really need a larger blanket.

                                            >Sitting up in bed, you look around at your new room; walls and floor bare of anything, not even rug or strip of carpet.

                                            >It's now day... you've honestly lost track, in Equestria.

                                            >Must have been months, you're certain.

                                            >The days tend to blur together when you lack a clear plan and have to tolerate no shortage of headaches.

                                            >Namely a yellow one called Fluttershy who's taken a liking to you.

                                            >It was rather cute when it first started; a longer than usual look here, a friendly pawing at your leg or arm there.

                                            >You climb out of bed and go about your morning routine, thinking about what fresh Hell she'll subject you to today.

                                            >As things developed, it only got weirder.

                                            >Yesterday it was eggs.

                                            >Just eggs.

                                            >Just slapped eggs all over herself, shrugged at you, and said "this? I guess?"

                                            >An admirable attempt, but you had to decline.

                                            >Followed by hurling her out the door again.

                                            >You don't feel too bad about doing so; as you discovered early on, pegasi are much lighter than the other two types of pony, so she never hits the ground all that hard.

                                            >Didn't manage to get her in a puddle this time, which was a shame, since for once she actually needed to land in one.

                                            >You look at yourself in the mirror.

                                            >Haggard, and tired; your eyes reflect your weariness at the shenanigans of this world.

                                            >After taking a quick shower in your cramped, pony-sized bathtub, you dry, dress, and wander into your silent, musty kitchen for breakfast.

                                            >You chew your lip as you look at the selection on offer in your fridge.

                                            >Leftover noodles from the nearby fast-food joint, or...

                                            >Your eyes wander over the other, empty shelves.

                                            >...Starvation.

                                            >Tough call, but you go for the noodles.

                                            >Plucking the carton from the fridge, you straighten up and turn around clutching your meal.

                                            >Then promptly drop it on the floor.

                                            >Or at least you would have done, if the carton had fallen down.

                                            >Which it didn't; it fell up.

                                            >You watch with growing concern as your breakfast ascends to the ceiling and comes to a stop, bumping against the wooden beams above in a manner similar to a balloon.

                                            >Gulping, your eyes return to your kitchen table.

                                            >And the baffling creature sat there.

                                            >A eclectic mix of seemingly random body parts fashioned together in a vaguely humanoid shape regards you with something akin to boredom.

                                            >Mismatched horns atop its head, floppy ears, a scruffy black mane leading down its slender back.

                                            >A long face with a single fang jutting from its lips, and you see a bright red scaled tail lazily waving about behind it.

                                            >It looks like a child's drawing made manifest.

                                            >The creature is watching you with an unenthused expression; a set of searching yellow eyes trailing all over your body.

                                            >It sips from the mug it had in its claw; the face of it engraved with the phrase 'I ate Mondays', along with a depiction of what looks like the creature itself eating a calendar.

                                            >Finally, it gestures to the seat across from it and speaks in a calm, well-mannered tone.

                                            >"Please, be my guest."

                                            >You hesitantly sit, perched on the edge of the chair prepared to jump out of it at the first sign of trouble.

                                            >It watches you for a little while longer, then sighs wearily, as though already fed up with the circumstances.

                                            >"Well, after Fluttershy's description of you I was hoping for something a -bit- more interesting."

                                            >You don't answer, unsure what to make of it.

                                            >"I have to say though, the big head is a cute novelty."

                                            >It snaps two digits on its free hand, what seems to be a cat's paw, and a garishly pink magnifying glass covered in glitter appears in a flash of light.

                                            >Pointing the glass at your face, it peers through with an expanded eye; the other one closed.

                                            >"Large brain, too. I do hope there are some fun secrets tucked away in there."

                                            "A-are you going to eat me?" you ask, a creeping fear taking hold.

                                            >It laughs humourlessly.

                                            >"Ha! No, but I would like to pick your amusingly oversized brain for a moment."

                                            >It drops the glass, and it floats away much like your noodles.

                                            >The mug it was holding also drifts off, and begins to orbit the room.

                                            >The creature knits its fingers together and sets its elbows on the table.

                                            >You grip it suddenly, as it, along with your chair and by extension you, seems to abandon its commitment to gravity; rising off the floor.

                                            >Finding yourself now hovering in the air, you hang onto the table out of fear of falling.

                                            >The creature continues in a drawl, completely unfazed by the development.

                                            >"What is a draconequus to do when his only friend refuses to spend time with him?"

                                            >You struggle to answer him.

                                            >"What is he to do when his only friend, whom he thought would always be happy to spend time with him, has instead decided to start wasting what little time she has in this coil running around after what seems to be..." he cocks his head for a moment, "a mutated... gorilla?"

                                            >He continues, "I'll tell you what that draconequus does; he takes steps to remedy the situation."

                                            >You swallow the lump in your throat.

                                            "You, know Fluttershy?"

                                            >"Yes, I do. She and I are very close. Closer than you are to her, I'll have you know", he narrows his eyes at you.

                                            "Uh, well that's fine with me, I don't really like her all that much."

                                            >He clasps his hands(?) together.

                                            >"Wonderful! Well that's excellent then; you can leave her alone, and she can leave you alone, problem solved!"

                                            "...W-well it's not that s--"

                                            >"No, it isn't that simple, is it?"

                                            >His eyes probe your face again, trying to read you.

                                            >"So come on, out with it. What sort of magic is this? Why is my Fluttershy so infatuated with you? What spells do I need to start unravelling?"

                                            "I-I don't know! She just latched onto me-- sorry, are you her boyfriend or something?"

                                            >The draconequus utters another mirthless laugh.

                                            >"I should think not! As close as I am to the little butterball I hardly think she'd be able to keep up with a partner of my calibre; no, no, we are not an item, but we -are- friends."

                                            >He gives you a smile, but it does little to ease you.

                                            >"Very good friends. And I'm the sort of friend that has a tendency to fix her problems for her behind her back. Problems like you."

                                            >You become aware of the sweat under your armpits.

                                            >"So it isn't magic then?", he squints at you, "No, nothing in you. Rather unmagical, actually."

                                            >He sniffs the air, a forked tongue snaking from his mouth and testing it as well.

                                            >"-Very- unmagical. How very intriguing; usually everything has a magical spark, but not you. Why is that?"

                                            "I ah, came from a place where magic, doesn't exist." you say carefully.

                                            >"Really! That sounds positively wretched, so how did you get to Equestria?"

                                            >You give him a helpless shrug.

                                            >"Not very clued in, are you? I suppose I can cross 'brains' off the list then."

                                            >He does just that; a notepad appearing next to his head with a crude drawing of you at the top with various bullet-points listed under it including 'spandex' and 'eight limbs'.

                                            >A floating pencil scribbles out 'brains', and the two items abruptly vanish.

                                            "So are you, like, a god, or something?"

                                            >"Whatever gave you that impression?"

                                            "I dunno, you're floating around, making stuff out of nothing. I've never seen Twilight do anything like this."

                                            >"Twilight? Twilight -Sparkle-?!", he throws his head back and cackles, genuinely this time, "That purple plebian couldn't magic her way out of a paper bag! No, I am no god, Anonymous, but I -am- a god to the ponies around here. Well," he grumbles under his breath, "other than when a certain centaur enters the mix..."

                                            "Then I'm sorry if I offended you or anything. I don't want anything to do with Fluttershy, so you don't need to feel, I don't know, threatened, or anything."

                                            >He gives you a flat look.

                                            >"Threatened."

                                            "Uh, sure? I'm interrupting your dynamic with Fluttershy; getting between the two of you, isn't that what you're worried about?"

                                            >"Of course I'm worried about how much time I spend with Fluttershy, but am I -threatened- by you?"

                                            >He looks around at your kitchen, then back at you with a resoundingly unimpressed expression.

                                            >"You are to me as a grain of rice is to a volcano."

                                            >He reaches out a claw and catches his mug from its orbit as it passes the table, then takes a long sip.

                                            >"Virtually nothing", he finally says.

                                            "So what, you came here just to flex and show off your powers?"

                                            >"Hm? Oh no, not at all."

                                            "Then what's all this, if not an effort to make an impact?" you gesture at the floating furniture, and only now notice that a flying pig wearing a lacy blue apron is scrubbing away at the washing up in your sink that you had neglected to do the previous night.

                                            >It turns around and oinks at you once before returning to its task.

                                            >The draconequus raises a bushy eyebrow.

                                            >"I assure you that all this is perfectly natural. I just have an -electrifying- effect on the world around me." he flashes you a smile before setting his mug back into orbit.

                                            >"Now, here are the facts as I see them."

                                            >He leans forward, suddenly business-like.

                                            >"For whatever reason, Fluttershy is rather smitten by you. It isn't magic, brains, and certainly not looks, that has caused this, so I can only assert that she must be losing her mind. Whilst I would normally approve of madness, I don't think it really 'fits' my Fluttershy."

                                            "All... right?"

                                            >"She desires you quite strongly, and providing she has you, I imagine that she'll probably return to her old ways, since going without you has left her distracted and bereft of any reason to spend time with me."

                                            >You nod, though you don't really see his point, and he catches on.

                                            >"Since you clearly don't understand, I will spell it out for you: you will accept Fluttershy's advances and become her mushy-cuddly disgusting romantic playmate, otherwise I will simply dispose of you."

                                            >You feel a sudden chill, and movement below catches your eye.

                                            >In a panicked start, you grip the table again and try not to fall off your chair as you see that your kitchen floor has fallen away to reveal a sweltering pit of bubbling magma.

                                            >"See? It's just like that volcano thing I said earlier! So those are your two options, Anonymous. You will accept Fluttershy's hoof in whatever gross romance she has planned for you, or I'll simply annihilate you and she'll lose any reason she had for being distracted from me."

                                            >He gives you a winning smile.

                                            >"I know which one I'd pick," he bounces his eyebrows and nods his head towards the fiery hell beneath you with a grin, "though do be quick about it; I have a holiday I need to get back to planning."

                                            "I-I..." you're at a complete loss for words, and as you gaze into the cold, calculating eyes of the creature across from you once more sipping from his 'I ate Mondays' mug, you know that he's completely serious.


                                            "W-what?", you say, stunned.

                                            >You stick a hoof in your ear and jiggle it around a bit to make sure you didn't mishear him.

                                            "Please could you repeat that?"

                                            >"I, umm, I accept your proposal.", the human states again.

                                            >You stand stock still and stare at Anonymous.

                                            >He looks jittery, and scared.

                                            >But here he stands on your doorstep, nervously looking over his shoulder then back to you.

                                            >"I want to, uh, hang on--" he pulls out a piece of paper and reads from it in a steady voice, "Share my life with you. I want to wake up with you every day, share your troubles and worries, commit to you, and build something together."

                                            >You slowly smile, the elation building.

                                            >With an excited burst of energy, you yelp and punch the air victoriously.

                                            "So the eggs -did- work! Oh Anonymous, I -knew- I was onto a winner!"

                                            >With that, you smash an egg on your forehead and drag Anonymous into your cottage.


                                            >And you both lived happily ever after.


                                            >South Springs was lovely as well, in case you were wondering.


                                            The End.