Pinkie Pie channeling Lt. Rzhevsky


                                            Transferred from https://pastebin.com/84TwK4Lx

                                            Originally published DEC 4TH, 2015


                                            This isn't anything original, just a straight-up translation of Russian 'Lieutenant Rzhevsky' jokes with Pinkie as the brilliant Russian officer (that is, until I get an original idea).


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, how do you become friends with stallions so fast? What's your secret?

                                            >"I just fuck them silly. It really breaks the ice!"


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, how do you manage to bed stallions so easily?

                                            >"Oh, that's easy-peasy. I just walk up to the colt, and say:'Hey handsome, wanna fuck?' "

                                            >"Pinkie, you can't just say that to a stallion! You can get slapped for this!"

                                            >"Yeah, but usually we just fuck."


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, what do you think of love at first sight?"

                                            >"Great stuff! Huge time-saver!"


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, tell me something... Have you ever truly loved?

                                            >"Of course, I fuck all the time!"

                                            >"No, Pinkie, no! I mean, something, something above it all..."

                                            >"Well I fucked pegasus mid-air once"

                                            >"Heavens, Pinkie, no! I meant something clean and pure..."

                                            >"Like in a sauna?"

                                            >"No! A love that lasts, something for life..."

                                            >"Hey, you know I don't have any foals yet!"


                                            ...


                                            *knock-knock*

                                            >"W-w-who's there?"

                                            >"It's me, Pinkie Pie!"

                                            >"Oh n-n-no, you are going to tell me dirty things and m-molest me all night!"

                                            >"uuu, duh."

                                            >"O-okay, I'll open the door~~<3"


                                            ...


                                            >"Excuse me, ladies, does anypony know where I can get a proper fuck around here?"

                                            >"What are you talking about! You can't do this, this is the Great Galloping Gala, you are in polite society!"

                                            >"Of course I am, I assumed I could get a proper fuck here.


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, what was your favorite act?"

                                            >"Oh, I really liked the juggler"

                                            >"But the juggler didn't perform today!"

                                            >"I really-really liked him, and that's exactly why he didn't perform today."


                                            ...


                                            Bar.

                                            >"Hey Pinks"

                                            >"Yes, Dashie"

                                            >"What do you think, this stallion, will he lick it?"

                                            >"Which one?"

                                            >"At the counter. Dark-brown coat."

                                            >"Yep!"

                                            >"And what about... that one! 10 o'clock, gray mane."

                                            >"I can't tell from behind."

                                            >The stallion turns around, scanning the crowd

                                            >"Yipperonie! He does."

                                            >"Pinkie, how do you even know?"

                                            >"Easy. They have mouths."


                                            ...


                                            Twilight is chatting up Time Turner (that fucking slut! fucking skank) at a party. All is well, until..

                                            >"Hey, Timey... may I.. may I have a kiss? <3"

                                            >"No! What even posessed you to think I would want that?"

                                            >"But...but... I just saw Pinkie Pie kissing you earlier... <\3"

                                            >"Well she didn't ask!"


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie! What you just did was inexcusable, and I can not overlook it, even for my friend! You have insulted a stallion's honor, and so insulted me! I demand satisfaction!"

                                            >"Satisfaction?~~ Ok, geez, like you even have to ask~~"


                                            ...


                                            >Be Dirty Ponko

                                            >Visiting Canterlot for some official element horseapples

                                            >Being a strategic asset feels bad, girl.

                                            >At least you can get a friendly visit with the foremost horses

                                            >And the guards are all top sex, unf.

                                            >you even have a friendo in the guard

                                            >pfft, of course you do, you have a friendo in all major cities

                                            >[spoiler]for fucking emergencies[/spoiler]

                                            >So, still being Punke, you shoot the horseapples with Luna-Buna and the girls


                                            >"...and the gifts!. Sometimes I feel like some mob mare that ponies have to pay off."

                                            >"I don't want to sound ungrateful, but ponies usually deliver them and run off, as if I'm going to throw them in a dungeon if they misbehave!"

                                            >"Or that sprouting wings turned me into a monster or something..."

                                            "Oh, Twilight, don't be sad. I bet you'll nail down the motherly vibe soon and have ponies eating out of your hoof in no time!"

                                            >"All I do now is swoop in to kick flank and collect valuables. Should I order ponies to talk to me or something? I wonder where all this fear comes from..."

                                            >"Thou speak truly! As much as it delights me when the common folk acknowledges our efforts, it seems that a kind word said not to get into good graces is as scarce as gold."

                                            >"I know better than to presume the folk afraid, they are merely humbled, but so far only the little ones had the strength of will to engage us."

                                            "Come on Luna-Buna, you don't mean that nopony ever talks with you?"


                                            >"Certainly not, but this is a rare occurence."

                                            >Luna picks up one of the candelabras from the table

                                            >"Last week, as I was exploring the merchants' quarter, I came upon a fine establishment of Wax Light the candle-maker"

                                            >"The mare seemed unfazed by our presence. I was, however, amazed by her craft."

                                            >"In the old days, no pony bothered to decorate a disposable light source, but, as she explained, evershine crystals replaced a great lot of candles used for lighting."

                                            >"The decorative and aromatic candles, however, could not be replaced. I procured fifty hoof-carved candles from her, specifically for friendly affairs as this"

                                            >"But now I face a conundrum. I have seven matching silver candelabras for seven candles each."

                                            >"This leaves me with one candle, and I have no idea where to put it in..."

                                            >>"... no idea where to put it in..."

                                            >>>"...where to put it in..."

                                            >>>>"...put it in..."

                                            >Twilight tenses up and yells

                                            >"Pinkie, shut up!"

                                            >your dirty horny face when (Pinkie can't keep silent jpg )


                                            ...


                                            >"Ya know, Dashie... it feels like we're family now"

                                            >"What, like sisters?"

                                            >"Oh no you silly~~ we were sisters since forever! But now I think of you as my filly!"

                                            >"Pinkie, seriously, why the buck??"

                                            >"Oh nothing Dashie, I just fucked your dad."


                                            ...


                                            >Element bearers sans Ponka are chilling at Twi's place.

                                            >Rarity stands up and proposes:

                                            >"Girls, we're having such a delightful time, but as soon as Pinkie appears she will lewd everything up! Let us ask her to leave our company for today!"

                                            >Everypony agrees.

                                            >Several minutes later the door opens, and in comes none other than Pinkie Pie.

                                            >Twilight immediately grabs her and throws her out the window.

                                            >"Twilight, what took over you? We could have just asked her to go outside!

                                            >At the same moment Pinkie climbs inside through the window.

                                            "Hey I like outside, outside is good, yesterday a stallion fucked my ass so hard I peed, but we did it outside so no cleanup required!"


                                            ...


                                            >"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy! But here's my cooter - so mount me, maybe!"


                                            ...


                                            >"Pinkie, sug', I'm quite sure you're skilled and all, but the next time you be bobbin' for apples, please use your mouth instead, ya hear?"


                                            ...


                                            >"Oh, Pinkie! It's so stuffy in here! We should open something--"

                                            >"Sure dearie, I've got boarbon, chompagne..."


                                            ...


                                            >Party. Pinkie needs to take a leak, so she just goes outside, lifts hr tail and starts pissin'

                                            >A stallion sees her.

                                            >"Pinkie Pie, this is an outrage! What are you doing?"

                                            >"Oh, don't be like that, Pokey. Look at the stream, look how it glistens in the moonlight, how the droplets race down the blades of grass, as if a wizard sprinkled magical diamonds everywhere in a fit of whimsy..."

                                            >"Oh, this is so romantic..."

                                            >"Oh now you sing a different song, fucker, much better than 'lewd, lewd' "


                                            ...


                                            Pinkie comes to a travel agency

                                            >"Oh, all this government business is just sooo boring, I'm pooped! I really need to get away from it all."

                                            >"I can look up some nice healing resorts for you. Are you interested in half-board or full-board?"

                                            >"Oh... I think I can fuck half the stallions on board good, but not everyone, I'm planning this need to recover after all!"