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1244 7.29 KB 169
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Transferred from https://pastebin.com/84TwK4Lx
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Originally published DEC 4TH, 2015
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This isn't anything original, just a straight-up translation of Russian 'Lieutenant Rzhevsky' jokes with Pinkie as the brilliant Russian officer (that is, until I get an original idea).
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>"Pinkie, how do you become friends with stallions so fast? What's your secret?
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>"I just fuck them silly. It really breaks the ice!"
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...
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>"Pinkie, how do you manage to bed stallions so easily?
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>"Oh, that's easy-peasy. I just walk up to the colt, and say:'Hey handsome, wanna fuck?' "
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>"Pinkie, you can't just say that to a stallion! You can get slapped for this!"
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>"Yeah, but usually we just fuck."
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...
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>"Pinkie, what do you think of love at first sight?"
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>"Great stuff! Huge time-saver!"
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...
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>"Pinkie, tell me something... Have you ever truly loved?
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>"Of course, I fuck all the time!"
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>"No, Pinkie, no! I mean, something, something above it all..."
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>"Well I fucked pegasus mid-air once"
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>"Heavens, Pinkie, no! I meant something clean and pure..."
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>"Like in a sauna?"
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>"No! A love that lasts, something for life..."
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>"Hey, you know I don't have any foals yet!"
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...
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*knock-knock*
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>"W-w-who's there?"
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>"It's me, Pinkie Pie!"
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>"Oh n-n-no, you are going to tell me dirty things and m-molest me all night!"
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>"uuu, duh."
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>"O-okay, I'll open the door~~<3"
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...
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>"Excuse me, ladies, does anypony know where I can get a proper fuck around here?"
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>"What are you talking about! You can't do this, this is the Great Galloping Gala, you are in polite society!"
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>"Of course I am, I assumed I could get a proper fuck here.
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...
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>"Pinkie, what was your favorite act?"
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>"Oh, I really liked the juggler"
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>"But the juggler didn't perform today!"
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>"I really-really liked him, and that's exactly why he didn't perform today."
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...
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Bar.
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>"Hey Pinks"
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>"Yes, Dashie"
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>"What do you think, this stallion, will he lick it?"
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>"Which one?"
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>"At the counter. Dark-brown coat."
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>"Yep!"
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>"And what about... that one! 10 o'clock, gray mane."
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>"I can't tell from behind."
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>The stallion turns around, scanning the crowd
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>"Yipperonie! He does."
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>"Pinkie, how do you even know?"
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>"Easy. They have mouths."
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Twilight is chatting up Time Turner (that fucking slut! fucking skank) at a party. All is well, until..
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>"Hey, Timey... may I.. may I have a kiss? <3"
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>"No! What even posessed you to think I would want that?"
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>"But...but... I just saw Pinkie Pie kissing you earlier... <\3"
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>"Well she didn't ask!"
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>"Pinkie! What you just did was inexcusable, and I can not overlook it, even for my friend! You have insulted a stallion's honor, and so insulted me! I demand satisfaction!"
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>"Satisfaction?~~ Ok, geez, like you even have to ask~~"
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...
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>Be Dirty Ponko
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>Visiting Canterlot for some official element horseapples
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>Being a strategic asset feels bad, girl.
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>At least you can get a friendly visit with the foremost horses
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>And the guards are all top sex, unf.
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>you even have a friendo in the guard
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>pfft, of course you do, you have a friendo in all major cities
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>[spoiler]for fucking emergencies[/spoiler]
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>So, still being Punke, you shoot the horseapples with Luna-Buna and the girls
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>"...and the gifts!. Sometimes I feel like some mob mare that ponies have to pay off."
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>"I don't want to sound ungrateful, but ponies usually deliver them and run off, as if I'm going to throw them in a dungeon if they misbehave!"
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>"Or that sprouting wings turned me into a monster or something..."
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"Oh, Twilight, don't be sad. I bet you'll nail down the motherly vibe soon and have ponies eating out of your hoof in no time!"
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>"All I do now is swoop in to kick flank and collect valuables. Should I order ponies to talk to me or something? I wonder where all this fear comes from..."
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>"Thou speak truly! As much as it delights me when the common folk acknowledges our efforts, it seems that a kind word said not to get into good graces is as scarce as gold."
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>"I know better than to presume the folk afraid, they are merely humbled, but so far only the little ones had the strength of will to engage us."
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"Come on Luna-Buna, you don't mean that nopony ever talks with you?"
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>"Certainly not, but this is a rare occurence."
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>Luna picks up one of the candelabras from the table
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>"Last week, as I was exploring the merchants' quarter, I came upon a fine establishment of Wax Light the candle-maker"
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>"The mare seemed unfazed by our presence. I was, however, amazed by her craft."
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>"In the old days, no pony bothered to decorate a disposable light source, but, as she explained, evershine crystals replaced a great lot of candles used for lighting."
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>"The decorative and aromatic candles, however, could not be replaced. I procured fifty hoof-carved candles from her, specifically for friendly affairs as this"
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>"But now I face a conundrum. I have seven matching silver candelabras for seven candles each."
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>"This leaves me with one candle, and I have no idea where to put it in..."
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>>"... no idea where to put it in..."
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>>>"...where to put it in..."
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>>>>"...put it in..."
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>Twilight tenses up and yells
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>"Pinkie, shut up!"
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>your dirty horny face when (Pinkie can't keep silent jpg )
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>"Ya know, Dashie... it feels like we're family now"
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>"What, like sisters?"
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>"Oh no you silly~~ we were sisters since forever! But now I think of you as my filly!"
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>"Pinkie, seriously, why the buck??"
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>"Oh nothing Dashie, I just fucked your dad."
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>Element bearers sans Ponka are chilling at Twi's place.
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>Rarity stands up and proposes:
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>"Girls, we're having such a delightful time, but as soon as Pinkie appears she will lewd everything up! Let us ask her to leave our company for today!"
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>Everypony agrees.
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>Several minutes later the door opens, and in comes none other than Pinkie Pie.
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>Twilight immediately grabs her and throws her out the window.
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>"Twilight, what took over you? We could have just asked her to go outside!
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>At the same moment Pinkie climbs inside through the window.
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"Hey I like outside, outside is good, yesterday a stallion fucked my ass so hard I peed, but we did it outside so no cleanup required!"
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>"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy! But here's my cooter - so mount me, maybe!"
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>"Pinkie, sug', I'm quite sure you're skilled and all, but the next time you be bobbin' for apples, please use your mouth instead, ya hear?"
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>"Oh, Pinkie! It's so stuffy in here! We should open something--"
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>"Sure dearie, I've got boarbon, chompagne..."
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>Party. Pinkie needs to take a leak, so she just goes outside, lifts hr tail and starts pissin'
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>A stallion sees her.
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>"Pinkie Pie, this is an outrage! What are you doing?"
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>"Oh, don't be like that, Pokey. Look at the stream, look how it glistens in the moonlight, how the droplets race down the blades of grass, as if a wizard sprinkled magical diamonds everywhere in a fit of whimsy..."
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>"Oh, this is so romantic..."
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>"Oh now you sing a different song, fucker, much better than 'lewd, lewd' "
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Pinkie comes to a travel agency
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>"Oh, all this government business is just sooo boring, I'm pooped! I really need to get away from it all."
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>"I can look up some nice healing resorts for you. Are you interested in half-board or full-board?"
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>"Oh... I think I can fuck half the stallions on board good, but not everyone, I'm planning this need to recover after all!"
by hotkinkajou
by hotkinkajou
by hotkinkajou
by hotkinkajou
by hotkinkajou