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[FLUTTERRAPE] Thread Shorts Volume 5

By Nebulus
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-03-17 12:54:35
Expiry: Never
anonnsfwcomedy/flutterrape/various characters

  1. Another thread, another bunch of one-shots.
  2. I wrote a truck-load, and, at ~19,000 words, it's my longest 'Shorts' paste yet. Just think, I could have spent all the time doing these shitposts instead creating an actual story.
  3. Such is life in FR.
  4.  
  5. ---
  6.  
  7. Anonymous posted a picture of Fluttershy buying a carrot and a cucumber.
  8.  
  9. "That's disgusting, Fluttershy."
  10. >"I don't think I'm -disgusting-, Anon, I wash every day..."
  11. "I didn't say you were, I said -that- is, though the fact you're getting me to look at this is pretty disgusting as well."
  12. >You purse your lips for a moment.
  13. "So yeah, you are disgusting, actually."
  14. >"Are you going to help me or not?"
  15. "Why not take it to Twilight? She's your go-to for your numerous and inevitable screw-ups."
  16. >"She's not answering her door anymore. I think she's going a bit hard of hearing."
  17. "Uh huh."
  18. >"Please could you get it out then?"
  19. "I don't get why you can't just, I dunno, flex, or something. Isn't that how horse vaginas work? They have all that muscle control?"
  20. >"...Why do you know so much about horse vaginas?"
  21. "I don't, I just said--"
  22. >"A-are you interested in them?"
  23. "Fluttershy don't--"
  24. >"Is it your fetish?"
  25. >She trembles, and leaks a bit onto your hardwood floor.
  26. >"I-is me doing this--"
  27. "Your problem is always that you get ahead of yourself as soon as you get the vaguest idea of something. No, nothing about this is even remotely sexy to me."
  28. >"Alright..."
  29. >She wiggles her hips anyway.
  30. >"So can you pull on it?"
  31. "Can't you flex?"
  32. >"I tried, but it's stuck. I need you to tug on it, please?"
  33. "Fine."
  34. >You kneel behind Fluttershy, who had, this entire time, been presenting her rear to you.
  35. >Emerging from between her folds is the head of a large cucumber.
  36. >You watch with unhidden revulsion as she winks around it, her clitoris peeking out for a moment before ducking back inside.
  37. >This prompts you to don a 4th layer of latex gloves.
  38. >After waggling your fingers, you reach forward and grip the object.
  39. >Doing so causes Fluttershy to shudder, a breathy pant escaping her.
  40. "Try - I mean I know you won't - but -try- to consider not enjoying this too much. Don't make it weirder than it needs to be."
  41. >"Okay, Anon, I promise."
  42. "Alright then."
  43. >You give it a slight tug.
  44. >"OH CELESTIA YES DO ME HARDER--"
  45. >You punch her in the back of the head and plant a hand on her back for support as you wrench the cucumber free with your other hand.
  46. >At least, you think you do.
  47. >For the sake of argument, let's say that Fluttershy is 4 feet tall and 2 feet long from chest to buttocks.
  48. >The cucumber you pull free from her eagerly winking hole was at first about a foot in length.
  49. >Only it just -keeps going-.
  50. >1 foot, 2 feet, 3 feet.
  51. >Disgust turns to morbid curiosity as you continue to yank more and more of the glistening cucumber from Fluttershy.
  52. >She's whimpering and gurgling the entire time, overcome with the sensation of it being roughly dragged across her clit.
  53. >"A-Anon, please...!"
  54. >The cucumber is up to 10 feet long now, and with a thud you look back and see that it's come to a stop against your wall.
  55. >With a grimace, you snap it off at Fluttershy's entrance, then resume pulling.
  56. >Whatever your feelings previously were, they have been replaced by the desire to see how deep Fluttershy's non-Euclidean cavern really goes.
  57. >20 feet, snap.
  58. >30 feet, snap.
  59. >40 feet, snap.
  60. >Sweat cascades down your forehead; your eyes are locked on the reddened lips of your least-favourite pony's sex.
  61. >This is longer than you've ever willingly stared at it, but you don't care. You can't back out now; both you and the cucumber have come too far.
  62. >The mare in question is on the verge of passing out, unable to process the constant rush of endorphins battering her feeble pony mind.
  63. >Finally, with an echoing 'shlock' so loud it was probably heard all over Ponyville, you tear the final few feet of the cucumber free from Fluttershy, and you're rewarded by a spray of juices coating your front and face.
  64. >She collapses, her voice even more of a whisper than it usually is.
  65. >You think you can hear her speak, but she's just murmuring nonsense.
  66. >Her expression is beyond bliss, she's in Nirvana.
  67. >You stagger backwards and look down at the multiple lengths of thick cucumber you'd just withdrawn from Fluttershy, as well as the viscous liquid all over your body.
  68. >The smell hits you, and you fight the urge to retch.
  69. >You clean everything up as best you can and open a few windows to air the room.
  70. >The cucumber segments go in your trash can outside, but they're so long they stick out, so you had to rest the lid of the bin on top of them. You couldn't be bothered breaking them down further; you lacked the emotional fortitude.
  71. >Finally, Fluttershy soars from your front door following a very impressive toss on your part. Easily the farthest you've ever thrown her; a real home-run.
  72. >She makes no sound as she hits the earth a distance away, still dazed and deaf to the world, her expression one of utter zen.
  73. >You'll never look at cucumber the same way again.
  74. >Nor will you look at your neighbour Bon Bon the same way, given that she cheerfully informed you later that she'd taken one of the cucumber lengths from your bin and made sandwiches from it.
  75. >She said "there was nothing wrong with it, sure it tasted a bit funky, but veggies always get a bit of zest after they've gone off a bit. I'd have it again!"
  76.  
  77. >Bon Bon's the worst.
  78.  
  79. ---
  80.  
  81. "And now, Britain's entry into the Fluttershy tossing competition..."
  82. - Anonymous
  83.  
  84. >"Arthur Higgins now representing Great Britain; stepping up to the line..."
  85. >"Stretching... always a good start."
  86. >"Shaking his hands out and doing a little run on the spot; a lot of pressure on him following Bulgaria's... strong performance."
  87. >"He grips the pony, performs a mock throw; Fluttershy whispering no doubt sordid and wretched things to the poor man, as is custom... All waiting for the starting pistol."
  88. >...
  89. >"This will be Higgins' third time at the Olympics testing in the Men's Fluttershy... Toss, having managed a silver medal at his last performance, he's one of Britain's hopefuls, though this will be his final time on the team as the years do of course tend to... march... on."
  90. >"..."
  91. >"Final checks from the organisers, a nod from the umpire."
  92. >"That's the pistol; Higgins breaking into a strong sprint, good form, excellent posture as he rears back his arm!"
  93. >"The pony flies-- high angle with a lot of power, more air-time but without the lower angle can the pony fly far enough to beat Bulgaria--"
  94. >"Her wings unfurl at the crest as she attempts to steady herself, hedgerow at the end of the field coming closer, has Higgins done it?"
  95. >"It's a hit! Straight into the hedgerow face-first, confirmed penetration of the head through the other side, that's a throw of fifty-five metres, an incredible performance! Higgins jumps into the lead, beating Bulgaria's forty-nine metres... with that, the Fluttershy Toss is brought to a close."
  96. >"Fluttershy... extracted from the field for the thirtieth and final time today. She does of course do all this for free just so she can make a pass at the contestants... her services are much appreciated, even if the contestants would disagree."
  97. >"Higgins... hugging his girlfriend. Security having to restrain Fluttershy before she can reach him... accusations of infidelity are thrown, as is custom."
  98. >"A powerful finish for Great Britain; Higgins can retire from sporting with a well-earnt gold medal."
  99. >"Well done, Higgins."
  100.  
  101. ---
  102.  
  103. "Character limit upped to 3k."
  104. - Anonymous, reporting on the character limit on /mlp/ posts being increased by 50% from 2,000 to 3,000.
  105.  
  106. "Hrm."
  107. >"Something wrong, Anon?"
  108. "Kinda; you look 'off' today, not sure what your deal is."
  109. >"Oh; well I'm using a new mane conditioner if that's what you're wondering about. Do you like it?"
  110. >She draws a hoof through her luxurious glossy mane.
  111. "Hm... Nope, still hate both it and you."
  112. >"Darn it..."
  113. "Did you get fatter or something?"
  114. >"Anon!"
  115. "I call 'em how I see 'em, Fluttershy. You're rocking a lot more butt, I can sense it."
  116. >"You can 'sense' when I have more butt...? Do you look at my butt often?"
  117. >She gasps.
  118. >"Is that your--"
  119. "Shhhush, no, it's not, but after spending so long around you I've learnt to pick up on subtle differences."
  120. >"Except that I'm using a new conditioner."
  121. "Shut up."
  122. >"Well maybe you'll come to like my newer, bigger butt!"
  123. "In your dreams."
  124. >"Um, yes, actually. Nightly."
  125. "Gross-- look, we'll cut to the chase, have you been messing around with freaky magical stuff again?"
  126. >"Not really?"
  127. "The hell is 'not really', it's a binary question, Fluttershy; "Yes" or "No"."
  128. >"No."
  129. "No?"
  130. >"Well yes, sorta."
  131. "Characteristic of you to be incapable of making a decision between saying yes or no."
  132. >"Alright, I asked Twilight to make me a potion."
  133. "Twilight? Why not Zecora?"
  134. >"Her voice-actress is on holiday so we weren't able to work her into the script."
  135. "You know these stories are just written, right? They're not actually being acted out?"
  136. >"They're not? Then why are we doing this?"
  137. "Because-- no, hang on, we're getting side-tracked; what potion did you have Twilight make?"
  138. >"Oh, right. Yes, I asked her to make me a potion that would make me fifty-percent more attractive."
  139. "Well clearly it didn't work since you're somehow even more repulsive."
  140. >"Fifty-percent more repulsive?"
  141. "Ehh... yeah, yeah I'd say about that number, sure."
  142. >"Then it worked!"
  143. >You squint at her and look her up and down again, carefully.
  144. "Oh, damn."
  145. >"What?"
  146. "You're actually bigger, like, all over."
  147. >"Stop calling me fat, Anon--"
  148. "Not calling you fat, I'm saying you're literally bigger. You've grown."
  149. >"I mean, yes? That's what the potion was for?"
  150. "...Hang on, so when I mentioned you looked weird, your first thought was of the mane conditioner, not the fact that you've been chugging magic potions again."
  151. >"I'm sorry, it happens so often I didn't think it was worth mentioning."
  152. "But the cond--"
  153. >"I haven't changed conditioner in nearly... three? Four? I think four years. It was a big change for me."
  154. "Changing shampoo is a landmark in your life. Christ, you're boring."
  155. >"It's not shampoo, Anon, it's conditioner. There's a difference."
  156. "Dare I ask?"
  157. >"You could, but I need to run something else by you first."
  158. "Go on?"
  159. >"The potion didn't just increase my size, it increased my libido as well."
  160. "...Oh, so you're--"
  161. >"I'm crazy horny right now."
  162. "When are you -not- horny, Fluttershy, really. You're Ponyville's sex demon."
  163. >"Alright, well I'm super-mega-horny, then."
  164. "That's a lot of horny."
  165. >"Yes. Also I think we're at the new character limit now."
  166. "Radical."
  167.  
  168. ---
  169.  
  170. Anonymous posted a picture (that he drew himself, no less) of Twilight wearing a "best friend" t-shirt whilst Anon mocks her for being his "best friend".
  171.  
  172. >"How did you even get this shirt? Did you have it printed?"
  173. "Hah, no way, I made it myself!"
  174. >"...So you bought a shirt just to draw on it?"
  175. "No, I made it, then I drew on it."
  176. >"Hold on, you sewed the t-shirt yourself?"
  177. "Sure did."
  178. >"...I had no idea you could sew."
  179. "I couldn't. Had to learn."
  180. >"How long did it take?"
  181. "Uh, like two weeks-- it's not important, fact is, you look super cute in it Best Frie--"
  182. >"No no no, I'm interested now; so you spent two whole weeks making a t-shirt, how many failures were there? How many discarded attempts?"
  183. "...Like a dozen? I think?"
  184. >"Right. This one's pretty snug as well, fits me perfectly, in fact. Did you get my measurements or something?"
  185. "Yes?"
  186. >"How?"
  187. "I got them off Rarity."
  188. >"And the fabric?"
  189. "Bought it from the marketplace. Why are you so wrapped up in this? Pun intended."
  190. >"Harr harr. I'm just trying to get my head around it-- how many bits did you spend?"
  191. "For the fabric? About fifty bits."
  192. >"You spent -fifty bits- on fabric?!"
  193. "There were a lot of attempts."
  194. >"Only a dozen, Anon!"
  195. "In recollection it might have been more. Might have been three-dozen."
  196. >"And the picture on the front? The lettering?"
  197. "Like I said, that was me too."
  198. >"By hand?"
  199. "What else am I gonna do, wave my head around and say 'abra-kadabra'? Yes by hand."
  200. >"It looks carefully done, really neat and precise. You even spaced the letters out properly."
  201. "I wanted it to look right."
  202. >"Looking right is one thing, Anon; this looks perfect."
  203. "...What's your point?"
  204. >"Let's recap."
  205. "Okay?"
  206. >"You spent two weeks, fifty bits, and Celestia-knows how many actual man-hours, going around getting materials, getting my measurements from Rarity whilst keeping quiet about the whole thing, and literally learning an entirely new skill; all so you could make a comfy t-shirt with your face on it -just- for me?"
  207. "...Yes."
  208. >"...Anon, that's so sweet!"
  209. "What? No, it's a joke, you--"
  210. >"How can this be a joke, you spent so much time and effort on it!"
  211. "It's not--"
  212. >"I knew you liked me!"
  213. "Woah hey let's not get carried away--"
  214. >"Well why else would you do it?"
  215. "A joke! It's a joke, Twilight!"
  216. >"Were you up late a lot?"
  217. "Kinda? A few times I went past midnight sewing--"
  218. >"Why not just accept the first attempt? Why go through so many trial runs?"
  219. "Well I couldn't get the shape right."
  220. >"So? It's 'just a joke', isn't it? Not like I was going to wear this more than once, right?"
  221. "I-I didn't want it to... rub."
  222. >"Rub?"
  223. "...I wanted it to be comfortable for you."
  224. >"It's a little bit baggy as well, just around the chest."
  225. "...I know you like shirts to hang loose a bit to help you cool down. You've said in the past that sometimes clothes chafe the pits of your legs, and sometimes your chest as well, so..."
  226. >Twilight beams at you.
  227. >"You really put your heart into this, didn't you, Anon?"
  228. "...Oh shit."
  229. >"I KNEW IT! I love you too!"
  230. "Shhhit."
  231.  
  232. ---
  233.  
  234. ">Anon attempts to get back at Twilight's ruthless dismantling of his joke by going on an elaborately planned "best friend date" that ends with a "best friend kiss" in increasingly frantic bids to embarrass her"
  235. ">Twilight just thinks Anon's into her"
  236. - Anonymous
  237.  
  238. "Heh."
  239. >The corner of Twilight's mouth curls up slightly, and she tilts her head to you.
  240. >"Hm?"
  241. "I can't believe you fell for it."
  242. >The mare shuffles slightly, adjusting herself in her rocking chair, a tender hoof pushing her spectacles back up her nose.
  243. >"What's that, love?"
  244. >You shift yourself in your own haggard armchair, careful not to move too abruptly.
  245. >The doctor said you mustn't make any sudden movements these days.
  246. "It was all a joke."
  247. >"Oh? Did I fall for another silly prank?" Her expression radiates warmth.
  248. "I--" you pause to clear your throat, "I never -really- loved you."
  249. >Her smile stays put, expectant eyes watching you with a patience only a long life can instil.
  250. >"Go on?"
  251. >You gesture around at your home; the crackling fireplace, the mantlepiece adorned with framed pictures, and the assorted trinkets gathered over many decades.
  252. >Then finally at a large, faded photograph of you stood inside Ponyville town hall dressed a suit Rarity spent the better part of two months crafting. Twilight is beside you in a flowing white gown wearing a smile so wide and untarnished your heart skips a beat just seeing it, as it does every time you reflect on that day.
  253. >She spent most of it crying, and the other half trying to convince herself that she was just dreaming.
  254. "I bet you thought that because I married you and spent the last... um..."
  255. >"Fifty-eight years, dear."
  256. "Thank you-- spent the last six decades with you, that it meant I loved you."
  257. >You point a quivering finger at her.
  258. "Psych! Just kidding!"
  259. >"Oh! You got me good. I sure did fall for it!" She says with faux surprise.
  260. "Heh... still got it..."
  261. >"You sure do."
  262. "..."
  263. >She lies back in her chair, resting her eyes with a serene look.
  264. "...Would you like me to refill your hot water bottle?"
  265. >"Yes please. Shall we have some tea as well? There ought to be a packet of tealeaves left in the cupboard."
  266. "Of course, of course..."
  267. >You shakily get to your feet and shuffle into the kitchen with Twilight's lukewarm bottle, nodding to yourself with a weary, but content grin.
  268. "Got her good..."
  269.  
  270. ---
  271.  
  272. ">she fell for the wedding gag"
  273. "how can one pony be so gullible"
  274. - Anonymous
  275.  
  276. >"...Really? Sorry, um, I-I'm just... Really?"
  277. "Sure, why not? No harm in it for a little while. We'll just see how it goes."
  278. >Twilight's lips quiver, your words setting in.
  279. >"I-I, yes! YES! Sorry, too loud, but yes!"
  280. "Great! Thanks for accepting."
  281. >"I can't believe you... all this time!"
  282. >She laughs nervously.
  283. >"Wow, I um, I -actually- have a coltfriend now. I'm not really sure what to do, is there a book I can read about this stuff?"
  284. "Hah, I'm sure we can get away with making it up as we go along."
  285. >Holy Jesus she bought it hook line and sinker.
  286. >This is gonna be hilarious when you tell it's just a prank.
  287.  
  288. >"...And my brother, Shining Armor."
  289. "It's a pleasure to meet you all."
  290. >Twilight's mother grins at you.
  291. >"And you, Anonymous; Twilight's told us a lot about you in her letters!"
  292. >Afterwards, she pulls you aside when Twilight is in the kitchen helping her father make dinner.
  293. >"She's smitten, Anon; I can't tell you how happy you've made her these last couple months. We were getting worried she'd never find anyone, but now... Well, you just look after her, alright?"
  294. >She wags a hoof at you accusingly, a smirk etched across her features.
  295. "Yes ma'am."
  296. >She's gonna freak when you pull the plug on this.
  297. >This might just end up being the best goof you ever pull.
  298.  
  299. >"Twilight Sparkle, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
  300. >"I do!" Twilight squeaks, tears streaking down her cheeks as her eyes bore into yours.
  301. >"And Anonymous, do you take this mare to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
  302. "I do," you say without hesitation.
  303. >Twilight fights back a sob as the Mayor smiles broadly.
  304. >"Then I now pronounce you husband and wife!"
  305. >The unicorn hurls herself into your arms, much to the joy and laughter of all present as you both lock lips.
  306. >You can feel her wet cheeks press against yours as you hold her.
  307. >She's so gullible you almost feel bad.
  308.  
  309. >"Hah! Ahn~, A-Anon! Ahh!"
  310. >You hunch over her body, hands gripping her hips as you deliver measured, powerful thrusts as deep into her as you can.
  311. >The bed rocks with your motions, the mare beneath you whimpering and writhing on the bedsheets.
  312. >"I-I'm close...!"
  313. >Without skipping a beat you lean forward and reach around her in your arms, holding her down and growling as you pull her into a firm mating press.
  314. >She trembles, her own hooves gripping your sides and mouth hanging ajar as your length grinds into her.
  315. >Finally, she spasms, and you feel her wetness clench around you as a hot rush soaks your crotch; you buck into her, hilting as much as you can to respond in kind.
  316. >"Anon-- Anon I love you so... mu--"
  317. >You cut her off, your lips entwined.
  318. >She's actually falling for it, and you.
  319. >Anon, you sly dog.
  320.  
  321. >"Would you like to hold her, Anon?"
  322. >Twilight's voice is weak, but she refuses to sleep. She can't, not now.
  323. >The mare dares not move, lest she awaken the tiny wrapped bundle in her hooves.
  324. >You sit on the hospital bed beside her, gazing at the sleeping form of your new-born daughter.
  325. >Still trying to figure out how the egg even took, but you dare not question magic.
  326. >With slow, careful movements, you find yourself staring down at the soft peach face of a foal.
  327. >You swallow the lump in your throat.
  328. "Guess we'll have to refer to the checklist for girls' names, then."
  329. >Hey, here's an idea.
  330. >How about Prankella, on account of the fact that this is turning into the most epic prank of all time.
  331. >You smirk, but Twilight mistakes this for simple joy. What a fool she is.
  332.  
  333. >You fondly regard the picture of you, Twilight, and your four children.
  334. >Didn't end up calling your eldest Prankella in the end, but you've had to make sacrifices to ensure that this prank goes off without a hitch.
  335. >Sighing, you lean back in your chair, looking out the living room window over the rolling hills of the Ponyville countryside.
  336. >Twilight saunters to your side, and leans over to plant a tender kiss on your cheek.
  337. >"Thought about how you want to spend retirement yet?"
  338. "Not sure. It's gonna be quiet now that the kids have all moved out."
  339. >"Yes, I suppose."
  340. >You turn and cock your eyebrow at her odd tone.
  341. "Hm?"
  342. >She looks back with an intense, half-lidded expression.
  343. >"No more kids to disturb us."
  344. "...Ah."
  345. >She walks towards the stairs, her tail flicking at you as she passes.
  346. >You undo one of your shirt's top buttons as you rise, chuckling.
  347. >Though not because of Twilight, but because you've kept this thing going for three decades.
  348. >They'll write books about your dedication to the art of comedy.
  349.  
  350. >You stand, hands trembling as they rest on your walking stick.
  351. >A hoof on the back of your leg rubs affectionately.
  352. >"I'll leave you alone for a little while, dad. Just let me know when you're ready to go."
  353. >You nod, and your youngest son trots off to leave you to your thoughts.
  354. >The elegantly carved tombstone before you mocks you with its inscription.
  355. >' Twilight Sparkle - Devoted mother, beloved friend, faithful student, and heroine of Equestria. '
  356. >You fight back tears; you promised her that you wouldn't cry.
  357. >Despite this, a choked sob rocks you, a hand clasping over your mouth in a vain attempt to stop it.
  358. >After all that work.
  359. >All that time.
  360. >You'd always said you were going to tell her that it was a prank at the right time, but now it's too late.
  361. >Instead, you held her hoof as she faded from the world, the last words she heard from you being "I love you so much, Twilight; then, now and 'til the end of time."
  362. >Then she had the audacity to rub the salt in the wound by replying in a voice so faint only you could hear: "You were my sun and moon; my whole world; thank you for blessing my life, Anonymous."
  363. >And then she was gone.
  364. >You idiot, you ruined the prank!
  365. >Now what?
  366. >You sigh wearily, and motion to your son, who returns to help you hobble from the graveyard.
  367. >The trip back to Ponyville is a dour one. You're gonna have to think of something biblical to make up for lost time.
  368.  
  369. >You never get the chance to.
  370. >But as you close your eyes for the final time, you hear a gentle, familiar voice.
  371. >"Took your time, Anon; I was worried I'd have to drink all this tea by myself!"
  372. >You whisper to the dark, empty room, a triumphant smile on your lips.
  373. "Sorry I kept you waiting. Hey Twi, I have the funniest thing to tell you..."
  374.  
  375. ---
  376.  
  377. "Don’t open it, you’ll regret it."
  378. - Anonymous, in reference to someone opening a 40lbs box of rape with Fluttershy lurking inside.
  379.  
  380. >"Peguh-sus Delivery here, pal. You a uhh, Mister Ay-nahn?"
  381. "Anon."
  382. >"Yeah, sure; anywho I gots a whole shipment here, where do yous want me to dump it?"
  383. "Uh, anywhere but my front lawn--"
  384. >"Front lawn? Got it--" he ignores your protests, "Derpy! Drop it all here on his lawn!"
  385. >On cue, the back of the floating wagon above you is wrenched open from within, and a deluge of brown cardboard cubes tumble out. More after more, dozen after dozen, they keep coming until roughly a hundred identical boxes, all dented and deformed in some way, form a battered pyramid of sorts before you.
  386. >All you can do is gape as the gruff, unshaven pegasus nicks a pencil from behind his ear and scribbles on the shipment manifest.
  387. >"There yous go, pal, one completed shipment. Thanks for usin' Peguh-sus Delivery."
  388. >Further dismissing any of your complaints, he leaves; hooking himself up to the front of the wagon and cantering off into the sky. From the open back, you see a cheerful grey mare waving at you as she retreats.
  389. >You regard the pyramid of misshapen boxes and sigh.
  390. "Wonderful. The hell am I gonna do with you?"
  391. >Approaching one that had toppled a bit closer to your feet, you crouch down and place a hand on it, rocking it back slightly to read the lettering.
  392. "Forty pounds of rape? I didn't order any seeds, maybe this was meant for Applejack...?" You muse to yourself as you think about how you're going to get this across town to Sweet Apple Acres.
  393. >As you ruminate, the box shuffles.
  394. >You blink, then shake it slightly.
  395. >It shakes back in response.
  396. >With a muffled squeak, something starts trying to force its way out.
  397. >In a panic, you duck back inside and retrieve a letter-opener to cut the packing tape and a bat just in case.
  398. >Crouch down and use the opener to break the seal so that whatever hides inside can get out.
  399. >With a gasp, Fluttershy bursts forth, a shower of polystyrene nuggets coming with her. She blinks a few times, then sighs happily, her hooves draped over the side of the box.
  400. >"Goodness! I didn't think the ride would be that bumpy!"
  401. >She shakes her head, then gives you a goofy grin.
  402. >"Hello, Anon! Is mail-order rape your fetish?"
  403. "..."
  404. >"...What?"
  405. "How long were you in there." You say it more as a statement than a question.
  406. >"Um, well they said standard shipping was up to two days."
  407. "You've been stuck in a box for two days."
  408. >"Don't worry, I had provisions!" She reaches around in her plastic nest and shows you a thoroughly drained juice-box. "Um, there was also a chocolate bar in here somewhere, but I can't find it. I think I might have sat on it. Didn't have a lot of room to move around, so..."
  409. >You gulp as your eyes drift from the mare to the rest of the boxes.
  410. "So what's in...?"
  411. >Fluttershy beams.
  412. >"Oh! Well it's actually really lucky you opened this box first since I'm the original. Would have been awkward if I wasn't here to explain, actually."
  413. "Explain what," you say softly, already dreading the answer.
  414. >At that moment, one of the boxes near the top of the pile is shredded open from the inside, the pony within chewing on the cardboard gleefully as she escapes her prison. The pony in question being--
  415. >"Ta dah!" Fluttershy says proudly, "I copied myself like a hundred times and mailed myself to you!"
  416. "...WHY."
  417. >"Because I love you!" She says, beaming.
  418. "And the cost of shipping?"
  419. >"Horrifically expensive!" She says, still beaming.
  420. "Right."
  421. >"So, now for the main event." She looks back at the pile. "Operation Four-thousand is a go!" The pony calls.
  422. "Four-thousand?"
  423. >"Yes? You know, forty pounds times a hundred--"
  424. "Alright, I get it."
  425. >"I-I thought it was clever."
  426. "It isn't."
  427. >"It's... like a math joke--"
  428. "Stop talking, Fluttershy."
  429. >The boxes all tremble and shudder before bursting open at random.
  430. >You rise to your feet and heft the bat in your hands as clone after clone tears itself free from its postal bondage, excitement and obvious arousal in their eyes. The same eyes that all fall on you, and seemingly at one either start scrambling down the pyramid or taking flight to get to you.
  431. "Somehow, I always knew this day would come."
  432. >Steel yourself and grit your teeth as roughly over a hundred Fluttershys converge on your position, all salivating at the thought of some sweet monkey action. You charge forward and meet them in the middle of your lawn.
  433. >As your bat connects with the head of the first one to reach you, bedlam reigns.
  434.  
  435. >You find yourself on top of the cardboard pyramid, having just finished beating the final clone into submission.
  436. >Collapse to your knees, gasping, but largely just surprised the the pyramid held its shape throughout all the turmoil.
  437. >"So, um..."
  438. >You glance up to see a Fluttershy hovering above you. Going by the chocolate bar you can see squashed against her right buttock, it's safe to say that she's the original.
  439. >She looks around at the carnage; piles of herself strewn about unconscious.
  440. >"Are you sure none of that your fetish?"
  441. "...No seriously, how much was shipping?"
  442. >"Like, eighteen-thousand bits. I didn't have a freight permit so I had to send them all loose rather than on a pallet, and shipping loose gets exponentially more expensive depending on how much stuff you're sending and how heavy it is. I tried to lose weight before doing all this so it would cost less to ship a whole load of clones of myself, but I don't get all that much exercise since I tend to spend most of my free time in my room practising large-insertions to pictures of you and imagining that it's you doing me instead of a piece of silicone on a lonely Friday night when the rest of my friends are out having fun and being frisky with actual living beings."
  443. "Holy Christ, Fluttershy."
  444. >"I mean, I'd say it was worth it?"
  445. "In what universe was -any- of this worth it?" you gesture to the chaos around you with the bat, still panting heavily.
  446. >"You're really tired now."
  447. "So...?"
  448. >"So now you can't fight me off."
  449. "..."
  450. >"..."
  451. "Well I'll be damned."
  452. >"No, you'll be mine."
  453. "Same difference."
  454. >She dive-bombs you, but unfortunately you lack the strength to do anything about it.
  455. >At least she's clearly had a lot of practise riding something, so it's not a -complete- farce.
  456.  
  457. ---
  458.  
  459. ">Is ice cream your fetish, Anon?"
  460. - Anonymous, posting a picture of Fluttershy licking a cone.
  461.  
  462. >You watch two birds fighting in a nearby tree. You've been doing so for the last several minutes.
  463. >It started out normal enough, but things got real after one of them revealed that they knew Jeet Kune Do, and things only escalated from there.
  464. >As the pigeon drops the crow through several rows of branches and starts going all 'Enter the Dragon' on his feathery ass, you watch, enraptured.
  465. >Slowly, you lick your ice cream; the flavour seemingly enhanced by the presence of avian martial arts.
  466. >Fluttershy, who had also been watching the scene, albeit with a look of horror, samples her own sweet treat.
  467. >"I should be breaking them up, but the pigeon scares me."
  468. "Best keep a safe distance, I think."
  469. >She turns to you.
  470. >"So are you enjoying your ice cream?"
  471. "Yeah, it's nice."
  472. >"Do you... like licking it?"
  473. "Fluttershy, are you about to ruin another nice summer afternoon?"
  474. >"Maybe?"
  475. "Please don't."
  476. >"Okay." ... "But I mean if you were being honest--"
  477. "Yes, Fluttershy, I like licking ice cream."
  478. >She turns back to watching the birds, her expression more thoughtful.
  479. >"Huh..."
  480.  
  481. >You cross your kitchen on the way to your basement to get some ice out.
  482. >The days are getting hotter; you're not sure whether to blame the pegasi or Celestia, though the pegasi are less likely to smite you for your hubris.
  483. >As you reach your freezer, it rattles before you can open it.
  484. >You frown; is the motor acting up again? The stallion that came to look at it last week said it would be good for a while longer.
  485. >Grip the handle and try to lift the lid.
  486. >Only for the lid to explode wide open on its own, knocking you back and to the floor.
  487. >A hideous, malevolent gurgling sound fills your ears as a titanic beast made of yellow sludge rises out from the depths of your freezer, bellowing your name in an uncannily familiar voice.
  488. >You shriek in the most dignified way you can and scramble to get away.
  489. >A frigid, slimy fist grips your leg as you try to retreat, and roughly drags you back to the freezer.
  490. >"AANOOON!" howls the creature.
  491. >All you can manage are high-pitched screams and curses as the beast drags you into the freezer with it.
  492. >"NOW YOU CAN LICK ME FOREVER ANON. BE ONE WITH MY CREAMY ESSENCE AS I BECOME ONE WITH YOU."
  493. >Your terrified vocalisations are cut short as your body is yanked back into the cool box and the lid slams shut after you.
  494. >The room is silent once more, save for the gentle humming of the motor.
  495. >Summers are the worst.
  496.  
  497. ---
  498.  
  499. "She really thinks you're not going to beat her at this."
  500. - Anonymous, posting a picture of Fluttershy dressed up in armour and a lance ready for a jousting match.
  501.  
  502. >You peer out of the great striped tent you find yourself in.
  503. >Crowds of ponies are lining huge stands beside a jousting arena, the buzz of excited chatter omnipresent.
  504. >"Y'all sure you're okay with this?"
  505. "I'm more okay with this than I am with you using 'y'all' to refer to singular entities."
  506. >"You just be watchin' your mouth there, partner, I ain't speak good."
  507. "You're perfectly capable of speaking properly, Applejack, you just put an accent on to make people think you're dumb for reasons unknown."
  508. >"Bwuh?! Now just hold on a darned minute--"
  509. "I've heard you reciting classic literature from memory when you think you're alone. You even do voices for each character. Come to think of it, I should tell the girls sometime, hah, Dash'll think it's hilarious--"
  510. >Applejack looks around as you speak, then glares and grabs your collar, wrenching you down to her eye-level.
  511. >Her voice is now debonair, but her tone sharp.
  512. >"I shan't be blackmailed, Anonymous. I trust you are intelligent enough to keep any fanciful daydreams of 'getting one over' on me to yourself, hm? It would be a frightful shame were you to find yourself suspended from a hospital scaffold with each and every bone in your misbegotten body rent asunder, wouldn't it? Or perhaps you might lose your job, your house, or any number of things you find precious should you dare to cross the most powerful family in Ponyville. Do I make myself clear, -partner-?"
  513. "Y-yes, ma'am."
  514. >"Wonderful. Good boy."
  515. >She lightly brushes her lips against yours to complete her impromptu domination, then lets you go and clears her throat.
  516. >"Now, y'all ready to go tussle with the best of 'em?" Her southern twang has returned.
  517. "...Sure, sure."
  518. >Applejack shunts her flank against your leg, and you straddle her, perching awkwardly on her back.
  519. >You'd think you'd crush her, but her pint-sized pony body seems more than capable of carrying you around like a gorilla on a rocking horse.
  520. >"You'll need a lance, Anon."
  521. "Right," you grab one from a nearby rack and hold it with the point towards the roof of the tent.
  522. >Applejack walks into the sun with you on her back. The mare heads in the direction of the arena; the crowd cheers at the sight of her.
  523. >At the other end of the track you can see--
  524. "Oh that's just silly, come on."
  525. >Fluttershy sat on Rainbow Dash, the fairer pegasus clutching her own lance, her cerulean steed smirking at the sight of you atop Applejack.
  526. >"Hey AJ!" She calls out to you both, "Ready to get stomped?!"
  527. >"Y'all just wait until we get over there, Rainbow! We'll lay you out yet!"
  528. >Applejack's voice drops lower so that only you can hear her.
  529. >"Don't be lettin' me down now, Anon; you knock that Fluttershy off'a Dash or I'll never hear the end of it."
  530. "Yes'um, having a hard time believing this is actually a thing, though."
  531. >"Pony joustin' goes way back. You said you had it where you're from though, right?"
  532. "Sure, but the horses are bigger, and the humans are wearing full armour plating. I feel like I'm gonna get skewered on this thing," you test the weight of your lance again.
  533. >"Nah, it's made of foam."
  534. "...Oh."
  535. >"We ain't monsters an' murderers like you folks."
  536. "Noted."
  537. >"Just give 'er a good poke and you'll knock Shy off Dash. It'll be easy, an' I'll win my bet."
  538. "You made a bet on us?"
  539. >"'Course I did! I got six bits on us winnin', so again, don't let me down."
  540. >Her voice shifts to its darker, more elegant side.
  541. >"Or shall I remind you once more of the potential consequences for crossing me?"
  542. "N-no, I'll be good, I'll stab Fluttershy right in the head if I have to."
  543. >"Good boy~, I'll be sure to reward you should you perform satisfactorily."
  544. "You get... weirdly sexual when you use that voice."
  545. >"But of course, seduction is a large part of life in the upper class."
  546. "Right. But you're not -actually- making moves on me, are you? It's just an act?"
  547. >She doesn't respond, and instead takes her position at the end of the track, her hoof pawing at the ground and body tensing in preparation.
  548. "...Applejack?"
  549. >The announcer for the event calls out over the din of the crowd, presenting the contestants and the stakes for all to hear.
  550. >If Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash win, you have to take Fluttershy out to dinner and spend the night in a sleazy motel room with her, and Rainbow Dash gets to watch whatever happens next from the closet whilst wearing her unofficial Wonderbolts uniform.
  551. >If yourself and Applejack win, you win a coupon for fifteen-percent off on your next purchase from select Ponyville market stalls. Applejack doesn't win anything, since she apparently doesn't need any further incentive beyond wiping the smile of Rainbow Dash's face. Also winning a bet, but it's mostly about bringing Dash down a peg for her.
  552. >The announcer's voice reaches a crescendo, and with a final yell he commences the match.
  553. >Your legs tighten around Applejack's body as she launches herself into a gallop; you struggle to stay balanced, but manage to lean closer to her and point your lance down range at your adversaries.
  554. >Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy rush to meet you, the athlete's face flushed with the joy of competition, whilst her rider's is flushed with stark terror.
  555. >As the distance closes you hear Applejack's laboured panting, her steely muscles flex and contort with each stride; beads of sweat run down her face and back from the exertion of running as hard as she can, whilst carrying someone twice her size and body-weight.
  556. >You narrow your eyes and focus on the yellow target before you.
  557. >Fluttershy is clearly having trouble holding her lance up, and it wavers the closer she gets to you.
  558. >So much so that she isn't able to even strike you as you use your superior human reach to jab the lance forward and hit her square in the chest.
  559. >She yelps; your foam lance bends sideways from the impact, and the pegasus is launched from her steed.
  560. >Said steed veers off and comes to a grinding stop, glowering at you as Applejack passes her by with a cheer.
  561. >"Yee-haw! That's it, Anon! That's how we do it!"
  562. >She performs a victory lap around the arena for the cheering crowd as Rainbow Dash sits on her haunches and folds her front legs, fuming.
  563. >Fluttershy lies on her back, legs splayed out at odd angles and staring in a daze up at the sky.
  564. >"O-ouch," is all she can say.
  565. >Applejack trots merrily back to her rival, you still hunched over on top of her.
  566. >"How'd you like -them- apples, Dash?"
  567. >"No fair!" Dash retorts, "Anon has long arms, he had an unfair advantage!"
  568. >"I don't know, Dash, seems to me like you were talkin' up a storm before today, what was it you said? You'd beat us in ten seconds flat? Only flat I can see is Fluttershy flat on her back!"
  569. >She chortles as Dash grinds her teeth.
  570. >"Y'all okay down there, Fluttershy?"
  571. >"Um. No?"
  572. >"Ah, you'll be fine, walk it off. Come on, Anon! Let's go get your prize!"
  573. >Still carrying you, she prances off to find the officials, leaving Rainbow Dash to grumble and Fluttershy to reflect on the shock of being bludgeoned before a cheering audience.
  574.  
  575. >"There we go, Anon, one discount coupon! Pretty good, right?"
  576. >You and AJ are sat under a tree away from the arena, the crowds having dispersed, leaving you both relatively alone.
  577. "Yeah, it's great..."
  578. >"Somethin' up?"
  579. "Uh, yeah; you were just joking, right? About all at that upper-class seduction stuff?"
  580. >"Huh? Oh, yeah, don't worry about none'a that, I was just pullin' your leg."
  581. "Hah, good, you sort of had me worried."
  582. >"Heh, sorry for spookin' you with all that fancy-talk."
  583. >She smiles warmly at you.
  584. >"I obviously don't need no fancy accent to seduce you. I don't even need your consent."
  585. >...
  586. "Oh shi--"
  587. >Applejack tackles you.
  588. >Turns out a frail human can do little to stop a powerful farm pony.
  589. >You'll take this over a date with Fluttershy, though.
  590. >No matter how much your pelvis hurts once Applejack's finished with you.
  591. >Unfortunately, she has a farmer's stamina.
  592. >Meaning it's a long, long time until she's finished.
  593.  
  594. ---
  595.  
  596. "Now I know you're high. Rarity is a classy lady, not one of them hoo-ers."
  597. - Anonymous 1
  598. "She probably runs an escort business as a side gig."
  599. - Anonymous 2
  600.  
  601. "How the hell did you put this together so quickly?"
  602. >"Aha, a seamstress never reveals her secrets, Anonymous!"
  603. "I'd ask if you're some kind of wizard, but that remark doesn't really work on a planet full of actual unicorns. So, Christ, a full three-piece suit tailor-made to my exact specifications; how much do I owe you?"
  604. >"Oh, for this little thing? I'll knock a bit off just for you, let's say a thousand bits?"
  605. "A thous-- Rarity I don't have that kind of money!"
  606. >"You don't?" She cocks her head.
  607. "No! Oh hell, if I'd known that's what you were gonna charge me I wouldn't have asked you to do this!"
  608. >"But what about that stipend you receive from the treasury? Will that not cover it?"
  609. "Celestia sends me ten bits and a lollipop each week, and Luna sends me porn magazines she's already 'used'! That's not enough to cover something like this!"
  610. >"Ah, well, that does put us in a bind, doesn't it?"
  611. "I can't pay for this, Rarity. L-look, how about you keep it in the back, and I'll figure out a way to drum up enough money for it eventually. Would that work?"
  612. >"I suppose it could... though there are -other- ways to pay, Anonymous."
  613. "...Oh, like helping out around the shop?" You nod slowly, "Yeah, yeah I could do that! I'd be happy to earn the suit if that's what you want?"
  614. >"Ahh, no, darling, no. I meant something more unorthodox."
  615. "I don't follow."
  616. >She ponders how to answer you for a moment before developing a small smile and assuming a more relaxed posture.
  617. >"Well, as you know, I run the most glamorous shop in Ponyville."
  618. "I think that's fair to say, sure."
  619. >"A lot of effort goes into keeping up appearances, including my own; it's somewhat of a drain on the old purse-strings, as I'm sure you can imagine."
  620. "Sure?"
  621. >"Suffice to say, I'm afraid that merely selling dresses isn't enough to keep me afloat."
  622. "Really? But you overcharg--"
  623. >"Bite your tongue."
  624. "UHH-- You're so generous with your talents and have so many loyal customers!"
  625. >She sighs dramatically.
  626. >"It is true that I have a large clientèle, but alas it simply isn't enough to cover the expenses of running such a fine establishment. I am forced to run another business by moonlight, though it isn't, let's say, 'appropriate'."
  627. "Where are you going with this, Rarity?" She studies you acutely before taking a careful step forward with a half-lidded look.
  628. >"Anonymous~," she purrs, "you're a well-liked fellow around town, are you not?"
  629. "I, think so?"
  630. >"I certainly hear whispers about you when I'm measuring clients. A few from mares, and even one or two remarks from one or two stallions."
  631. >You're not sure how to respond, so she continues, her tone less conversational and more interrogatory.
  632. >"Do you like ponies, Anonymous?"
  633. "Sure, you're a hospitable folk."
  634. >"Yes, but do you -like- ponies...?"
  635. >She plants a hoof on your leg, rubbing it up and down, then flicks her tail and sashays her hips a bit. Her eyebrow raises expectantly, and you gulp when you catch on.
  636. "O-oh."
  637. >"Mm?"
  638. "I've never really thought about it."
  639. >"Never? Oh darling, you wound me. So you've never watched me from the corner of your eye and thought to yourself how -alluring- I look?"
  640. >Her hoof leaves your leg and reaches back to draw circles over her cutie mark. You note how the hard edge of the well-treated hoof sinks into her fur, her toned cheek giving under the pressure.
  641. >"I do a lot of yoga, you know. Keeps me in shape. Helps to shed any unwanted pounds. Means I'm awfully firm back there, but not so much that I'm as hard as certain pegasi."
  642. >She shakes her haunches, and you watch, mesmerised, as both cheeks bounce.
  643. >"Firm as I may be, I try not to go too far. It's nice to have a bit of cushion, you see? Helps absorb the shock of any -thrusting-."
  644. >You tug at your collar, feeling rather warm.
  645. >"Have I made a believer out of you?"
  646. "You're... definitely something."
  647. >"I should think so. But you; I've heard quite a number of ponies fawning after you, Anonymous. Not too many, you understand. Most of the town is ambivalent towards you, and would never imagine themselves indulging in the more exotic things in life. But there are a hoofful that are a bit more -adventurous-; willing to try something new."
  648. "I-I see."
  649. >"Suppose I found a way to facilitate their inclinations; it would be a generous thing to do, no?"
  650. >A gulp is your only answer.
  651. >"Those ponies might even be willing to pay a great deal to spend a few relaxing hours with the object of their desires."
  652. >You stare with uncertainty into her azure eyes, her own gaze self-assured.
  653. >"And you -were- just saying you would be happy to help me around the shop, weren't you? This would be a different sort of help, but it would so -very- much help me. Especially since you are, ah, indebted, to me."
  654. >Your suit hangs in a levitation aura off to the side, but is brought closer to you both to emphasise Rarity's point.
  655. "What... would you want me to do?"
  656. >"I should have thought it was obvious, darling. I accept the solicitations of my more daring clients for a night with the resident human, and you work your magic in any way they desire. Much like my boutique, my other business has a reputation for high standards, so you would be expected to perform."
  657. "...And this will pay for my suit?"
  658. >"But of course! I like you a lot, Anonymous, so we'll cut a deal. Let's say that sixty-percent of each payment for your services will go towards paying for the suit."
  659. "How much is the average payment?"
  660. >"Depending on how many hours they pay for, it could be anywhere between fifty to two-hundred bits."
  661. "That much?"
  662. >"Prestige is my modus operandi, Anonymous. So what do you say?"
  663. "What if I say no?"
  664. >"Then I shall be sorely disappointed, and will have to dispose of this lovely suit that you needed for... oh, was it an engagement in Canterlot? Something about meeting the Princesses? You wanted to look your best, and it wouldn't do for you to greet Princess Celestia in a t-shirt and jeans. Not to mention that Princess Luna places a great deal of weight on the importance of proper etiquette. To embarrass them by not dressing up in your best, why, they might even be inclined to dock your stipend!"
  665. "You're, um, really manipulative, Rarity."
  666. >"Fashion is a cut-throat industry, Anonymous; you either sink or swim and sometimes that means letting blood to distract the sharks."
  667. "But we're friends, aren't we?"
  668. >"Of course! Oh my dear Anonymous I am -deeply- fond of you. Which is why you're the first and only one of my friends I'm telling about this. None of the girls know, and definitely not Sweetie Belle. It'll be our little secret. Don't you like the idea of working with me? We'll be partners! Think of it less as 'coercion', and more of a 'business arrangement'."
  669. "How do you know I'd even be good at this? I-I've never been with a pony!"
  670. >Rarity's casual smile broadens and immediately becomes predatory.
  671. >"You know, that must have slipped my mind."
  672. >Her horn flares, and you hear curtains pulled to and the key in the shop's front door firmly locking.
  673. >"I suppose I'll have to provide training in preparation for your employment."
  674. >She shudders, and you become conscious of the amount of sweat under your arms.
  675. >"Not to worry, Anonymous. I am a -very- patient teacher, and I shan't rest until you are -thoroughly- educated in the art of pleasing a mare."
  676. >Your clothes vanish in a burst of magic, and in an instant you find yourself on your back.
  677. >She steps over your nude form and whispers in your ear.
  678. >"For the next six hours, I'm going to desecrate you in ways you can't even imagine. I'm not going to pop your cherry, Anonymous. I'm going to destroy it."
  679.  
  680. ---
  681.  
  682. "Her brain’s like a sponge, she just absorbs whatever she hears."
  683. - Anonymous, in reference to Fluttershy.
  684.  
  685. "Again, -why- are you doing this."
  686. >Fluttershy sighs in exasperation, placing her life-sized replica doll of you - only wearing a cheap wig and lipstick - on the floor. She speaks impatiently.
  687. >"You said, last month, that you'd only sleep with a human, so I made you one!"
  688. "Fluttershy it's literally a DOLL."
  689. >"So?! I have lots of dolls and I do stuff with them all the time! Isn't that what they're for?"
  690. "What the fu-- no! Not even remotely! Dolls and toys are things of innocent childhood fancy, not sex toys!"
  691. >She seems genuinely confused, "Yes! So I'm using them exactly as I did when I was a filly!"
  692. >...
  693. "Okay wow, there's a -lot- to unpack there, but we'll start with the first implication--"
  694. >"Ugh, you always do this! You try and steer us off topic, this is -just- like last July!"
  695. >You blink.
  696. "...What happened last July?"
  697. >"Do you not remember? We were all at Sugarcube Corner, it was me, you, Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity. Rarity was talking about how she and Sweetie Belle were trying to be better sisters to each other and Applejack told that story about her and Applebloom, you remember, the one with the apples?"
  698. "Do you have any idea how vague that is."
  699. >"Alright, the apple story where Applejack and Applebloom had to go out into a storm to fix the gutter on the side of the barn before it snapped off in the gale winds and hurt someone, but they noticed that the apple trees looked kind of weird? She mentioned that she was wearing that red overcoat, the one that Rarity made her the previous month for her birthday, you know, that was the birthday where Applejack tripped over that bucket Rainbow Dash left out because she didn't do as she was told when Twilight asked her to move it because someone was going to 'break their neck' - her words not mine - and we all had to take Applejack to the emergency room? You and I stayed overnight until the doctor came in early wearing that awful green tie with the cloud-pattern and kicked us out because it was half-three in the morning and we weren't supposed to be there?"
  700. >Fluttershy looks at you, waiting.
  701. "...Uh, no, I don't remember that. At least not all of that, specifically."
  702. >"Seriously? Do you even pay attention to anything that goes on around you, Anon?"
  703. "No, hang on," you're frowning at her, "something's up here. So you remember -exactly- what happened last July?"
  704. >"Yes?"
  705. "...Huh."
  706. >"Is that a problem?" She narrows her eyes, "Are you going to use that an excuse to go off on another tangent not related to the doll I worked -very- hard to make for you?"
  707. >You aren't listening as she speaks, instead you've picked up a sheet of paper from your table and are writing on it.
  708. "Fluttershy..." you say absently, then finish writing. "I want you to look at this sheet of paper for me."
  709. >You show Fluttershy the paper, upon which you had written a string of 30 single-digit numbers separated by commas.
  710. >She glances at it, uncertain, then looks at you.
  711. >"Okay?"
  712. "Have you read the numbers?"
  713. >"Um, yes?"
  714. "Alright," you pull the paper back and look at the digits yourself, "now repeat back to me the numbers on the paper."
  715. >"...Uh, why?"
  716. "Just do it."
  717. >"Fine; two, seven, nine, one, one, three, four, seven, eight, one, seven..."
  718. >She goes through every single number without hesitation and without missing a single one.
  719. >As she finishes, she huffs and glares at you.
  720. >"Now can we -please- go back to the doll?"
  721. "No, this is more important."
  722. >"It's not more important! Stop distracting us!"
  723. >You're ignoring her, and instead are feverishly working out an equation using a calculator.
  724. >Finally, you straighten up and look at Fluttershy again.
  725. "Alright, Shy?"
  726. >"-What-." She doesn't sound impressed.
  727. "What is seven-hundred and fifty-four squared, divided by two."
  728. >She stares at you for a second, then knits her eyebrows together.
  729. >"If I do these stupid tests will you please talk about the doll with me?"
  730. "I'll give that a hard maybe."
  731. >"Fine. The answer is two-hundred and eighty-four thousand, two-hundred and fifty-eight."
  732. >You stare in dumb shock at the answer you'd circled a few times.
  733. "Holy shit, Fluttershy."
  734. >"Happy?"
  735. "Alright." You look down at your string of numbers again, "Would you mind reciting those numbers I showed you earlier again?"
  736. >She blurts them out three times faster than she did before without tripping over her tongue or missing any of them.
  737. >In a hurry, you dart to a cabinet in the other room and retrieve a picture from a private box you had hidden under a pile of documents. You speak as you wander back to Fluttershy.
  738. "Four years ago you and I went on a camping trip with Dash; at the end we took a picture together. What was I wearing, and where was the photo taken?"
  739. >She smiles, "Oh! You were wearing those olive-green pants Rarity made you after you first got here, also your shirt was chequered-blue, but you'd torn it on a bramble bush the morning we took that photo; you were really upset - you liked that shirt. We took the photo next to that really big tree overlooking the lake that you pointed out when we'd first arrived. You guessed it was a hundred feet tall, but Dash measured it and it was actually a hundred and eighteen."
  740. >You stare in silence at the blue-and-green-bedecked human leaning against a tree smiling back at you from the photo.
  741. >All you can do is look up in bewilderment at her.
  742. "I, uh. Shy, are you aware that this isn't normal?"
  743. >"What isn't?"
  744. "This. Being able to remember random details from years ago, or huge string of numbers straight from memory; being able to perform complicated sums in your head without even thinking about it. That's not even remotely normal."
  745. >"It isn't?"
  746. "...No, it's not. What sort of grades did you get in school?"
  747. >"Nothing great, I was always distracted."
  748. "Huh... Fluttershy, I'll be blunt. I think you might be a genius."
  749. >"Oh. Is that your fetish?"
  750. >You look down at the throbbing tent you're pitching.
  751. "Uh, yes, I believe it might be."
  752. >"Yay!" She clops her hooves together joyfully, her earlier frustration forgotten. "Well, thanks Anon! I'll see you later?"
  753. "Wait, aren't you going to do anything?"
  754. >"Hm? Like what?"
  755. "Uh, act on my fetish? Do weird lewd stuff?"
  756. >"No? Why would I do that? I just wanted to know what your fetish was."
  757. "...You've spent the last five years guessing it!"
  758. >"Yeah, and now I know. Mystery solved!" She giggles. "I'll see you at Pinkie's next week? She's got that thing for her second-cousin's best friend's brother's girlfriend's aunt's husband's first wife's son. It'll be a ten-thirty."
  759. "..."
  760. >"I'll take that as a yes; bye Anon!"
  761. >And she's gone.
  762. >You look down at the almost painful erection you're nursing.
  763. "Well... shit."
  764. >You glance at the doll of yourself wearing a wig and lipstick, then give a resigned shrug.
  765. "If you build it, they will cum." You say as you drag the doll upstairs to your bedroom.
  766.  
  767. ---
  768.  
  769. Fluttershy and Anon talk about stuff. What? No Anonymous prompt this time? You betcha. Sometimes I'm capable of writing things -without- stealing ideas from other people. See? I'm not a -complete- fraud.
  770.  
  771. >A cloud passes overhead.
  772. >You pay it no mind. You're more focused on the warm presence curled up next to you.
  773. >You didn't ask her to be there, of course; you never do. But Fluttershy does what Fluttershy wants, so your otherwise relaxing afternoon spent staring at the sky waiting to die of old age has been ruined by Ponyville's resident pervert.
  774. >She sighs dreamily and nuzzles her face against your side.
  775. >"You're so warm, Anon..."
  776. "..."
  777. >"Are you warm for me? Are you warm-y? Warmy? Hormy? Horny? Are you hor-- I was trying to make warm sound like horny but I don't think I made it work. Did it work? I think it kinda worked, sort of..."
  778. "..."
  779. >"...I'll work on it some more, then."
  780. "Question," you say a bit too loudly.
  781. >"Is it about my word play?"
  782. "More important than that."
  783. >"The spare keys you keep finding around your house? I keep losing them whenever I come over. Please could you send any you find back to me? They're sort of expensive to make and the guy at the hardware store won't make anymore for me unless I have a good reason."
  784. "..."
  785. >"...It's not about the keys is it."
  786. "Not about the keys."
  787. >"Alright, then what?"
  788. >You suck in a deep breath, then release it.
  789. "You ever screwed a bear?"
  790. >...
  791. >Fluttershy doesn't answer for a while.
  792. >You can tell from the way her head moves against your body that she's staring at you, but you don't have the energy to look down at her and confirm it, so you keep staring at the sky.
  793. >"Um. No, I've never screwed a bear, Anon."
  794. "What about a dog."
  795. >"Wh-- no! That's horrible!"
  796. "Why?"
  797. >"...What do you mean -why-? It's bestiality!"
  798. "So is nailing a human, technically."
  799. >"No it's not, humans pass the Heartstrings Test."
  800. "The what?"
  801. >"The Heartstrings Test. When Lyra Heartstrings was studying in Canterlot at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, she did her master's thesis on when it was and wasn't appropriate to have sex with non-ponies. It made a huge splash when it was published and Celestia even gave her a commendation for her work. Twilight was upset."
  802. "This was before I got here, I take it."
  803. >"Yup."
  804. "So Twilight was mad?"
  805. >"Super mad."
  806. "Did she cry?"
  807. >"A lot."
  808. "Fart a little?"
  809. >"Once or twice."
  810. "Make an ass of herself in public at one point?"
  811. >"Three points."
  812. "Nice."
  813. >"Super nice."
  814. "God she's a nerd."
  815. >"Totally."
  816. "So go on, what's this test then."
  817. >"Well, Lyra figured out three axioms to determine whether or not a creature was do-able. The first was pony-like intelligence, then whether or not it can communicate with language, and finally if it's of sexual maturity or not. Only if a creature checks all three boxes does it pass the test, making it okay to be lewd with it."
  818. "So I pass all three then. Nifty."
  819. >"You sure do. So, with that in mind, do you maybe want to pin me against the grass and breed me a little bit? Biologically speaking I'm at my most fertile during the spring and early-summer."
  820. >...
  821. "A donkey."
  822. >"...What about a donkey."
  823. "Have you ever done a donkey."
  824. >"Um, no."
  825. "Why not? I thought you were into freaky stuff."
  826. >"I am, but only freaky stuff with you--"
  827. "Then what about a changeling."
  828. >"Ew! No way, that's gross!"
  829. "But they -do- pass the test."
  830. >"I... I guess they do?"
  831. "...I wonder what it's like, then."
  832. >"What, to do a changeling?"
  833. "Sure."
  834. >"Um. Sticky, I think."
  835. "How do you figure?"
  836. >"When they attacked Canterlot the other year, there was green goo -everywhere-."
  837. "That's kind of hot."
  838. >"Anon! ...You think so?"
  839. "Hell yeah, I'm all about goo."
  840. >"...Huh. I'll... have to make a note of that, then."
  841. >She shuffles against you and you're both silent for a little while.
  842. >"So would -you-, you know, bang a changeling?"
  843. "In a heartbeat."
  844. >"That's so revolting!"
  845. "No one's around, Fluttershy, drop the act."
  846. >"It's not an act! Changelings are disgusting-- they're unponyish!"
  847. "So am I."
  848. >"But you're different!"
  849. "How am I worse than a changeling. At least changelings are actually from your world and kind of look like you. Same goes for donkeys. There are plenty of four-legged animals around here for you to chase after, heck, go get some wood from a timberwolf even--"
  850. >"Definitely not a timberwolf!"
  851. "Again, why not?"
  852. >"...Splinters."
  853. "...Oh, hell, I didn't think of that."
  854. >"You know the worst part? It happens a lot."
  855. "Get out, seriously?"
  856. >"I'm not joking; mares that go into the Everfree get um, well they get mobbed, let's say. Timberwolves don't seem to be interested in killing mares, only stallions. The mares they claim for themselves."
  857. "..."
  858. >"Don't say that it's hot."
  859. "I mean it's a -little- bit hot."
  860. >"Anon it's -awful-. The poor mares have to spend days in the hospital getting work done on them with tweezers."
  861. "Speaking from experience, Fluttershy?"
  862. >"Thankfully not, but I've heard stories."
  863. "Well, again, back to my point, at least timberwolves are pony-ish in stature. I'm completely alien around here. Two legs, hands, huge brain, bare skin, omnivorous; makes me genuinely wonder why some ponies are into me. It doesn't make sense; I'm not into any of you."
  864. >"Not even a little bit?"
  865. "Were you not listening? We're not just different species, Fluttershy, we're not even from the same dimension."
  866. >"But the fact that we can sit here talking about sex and that we're both adults means that on some level the Heartstrings test holds true. That we can have this conversation and both understand the notion of consent means that it's okay to do it."
  867. "Alright so I'm gonna walk that back and say that you specifically have no idea what consent is--"
  868. >"Well whatever, my point still stands."
  869. "Mph, if you say so. I still think it's weird that the attraction is a one-way thing. Maybe I haven't been here long enough. I look at all of you and I'm just reminded of stumpy little Shetland Ponies from back home. Dopey looking buggers, they are."
  870. >"Are they cute?"
  871. "Yeah they're cute. I always wanted to pet one. Instead I got you people, with your freaky over-sized eyes."
  872. >You both go back to sky-gazing.
  873. >It's peaceful, staring into the deep blue beyond.
  874. >Another bird passes you by, and you have a thought, speaking it aloud absently.
  875. "Griffon."
  876. >"...Yes."
  877. "You'd do a griffon?"
  878. >"I think I would."
  879. "Reason being?"
  880. >"I dunno. I have a thing for larger animals."
  881. "Aha, so you -would- do a bear!"
  882. >"No, because it doesn't pass the test! This isn't hard, Anon, if it passes the test, it's fair game, otherwise it's off the table."
  883. "Fine... but really? Larger animals?"
  884. >"I like um, I like..."
  885. >She mumbles something to herself, and you nudge her with an arm.
  886. "Speak up."
  887. >"I said I like feeling helpless."
  888. "Not even remotely surprised."
  889. >"I can't help it; pun intended--"
  890. "Nice."
  891. >"--but something about being trapped under a huge beast that's able to eat me but instead wants to rut me just drives me wild."
  892. "Ooh, so because I'm larger and can eat meat--"
  893. >"Yeah, you're kind of a hunk to me."
  894. "That explains it then."
  895. >You frown, then ruminate on something for a moment.
  896. "Hang on, time for the big one then, you ready?"
  897. >"Go on?"
  898. "Dragons."
  899. >She tenses up with a squeak.
  900. "Would you, or would you not, bone a dragon."
  901. >"I-I don't think I'd be in a position to do much boning myself if it came to it, but... maybe? I mean I guess it would be what I want."
  902. "They pass the Heartstrings test, they're big, they want to eat you, and they're literally horny all the time."
  903. >"I never thought about them like that. I could never get around how scary they are."
  904. "So what about Spike?"
  905. >"...Anon, I'm not bedding Spike. Twilight would kill me."
  906. "Yeah bu-- wait, -that's- why you're not doing him? Christ, woman, I was going to agree that he's just a kid!"
  907. >"I-I know! I meant that too! But he's off-limits until he's older!"
  908. "Right, so when he -is- older, then...?"
  909. >"Then... I don't know. Maybe. If he grows up to be nice and strong, like you."
  910. "So really, I'm just a stand-in until Spike's balls drop."
  911. >"I mean... you're a human, which is great, but he's a -dragon-."
  912. >You watch a cloud drift across the cerulean ceiling above.
  913. >...
  914. "...Did I just get cucked by Spike?"
  915. >"Aww, it's okay, Anon. If it makes you feel any better, it won't be for a few years yet."
  916. "Feel kinda weird now."
  917. >"Yeah?"
  918. "Yeah. Like I need to defend my manhood, or something."
  919. >"Is... that good?"
  920. "Kinda feel like I need to prove that I'm better than him."
  921. >"Would that involve hot, frothy, angry sex?"
  922. "Yes. I'm thinking it would."
  923. >"R-right n-now?"
  924. "Yes."
  925. >You rise to your feet abruptly, shunting the pony to the side.
  926. >She breathes shakily.
  927. >"O-oh my goodness, um, well whenever you're ready!"
  928. "I'm ready now. I'll see you later, Fluttershy."
  929. >"...What? Why? Where are you going?"
  930. "I'm going to find Rarity."
  931. >"Why?"
  932. "I've got a score to pre-emptively settle against a ten year old."
  933.  
  934. ---
  935.  
  936. Anonymous posted an image of Fluttershy on the phone, talking about how she's not wearing anything.
  937.  
  938. >The phone rings.
  939. >You jump, and your nervous trembling intensifies.
  940. >Glancing at the clock, you can see that it's 8:30, right on the dot.
  941. >He said he'd call now, and you don't want to disappoint, so you gulp down as much air as you can manage and shakily accept the call.
  942. "H-hello...?"
  943. >"Fluttershy? It's Anon."
  944. "Hello-- uh, hi, I mean. Sorry, I don't do this sort of thing often."
  945. >He laughs softly on the other end of the line.
  946. >"So where are you right now?"
  947. "Just at home."
  948. >"No animals nearby?"
  949. "N-no, I asked them nicely to leave my bedroom whilst we, um, did this."
  950. >"Hah, yeah, my doors are all locked and my curtains are drawn. Currently sat in the bathtub."
  951. "Really?"
  952. >You imagine Anon bunched up in his tiny bathtub, his knees up to his chest, and smile.
  953. "That's kinda funny," you giggle.
  954. >"Yup. So um, are you still down to do this?"
  955. "S-sure. No one will ever know, right?"
  956. >"I mean how could they? Do they have wiretaps in Equestria?"
  957. "Uh, no, just regular water taps."
  958. >"...Right. Well, I guess we should just... get started?"
  959. "The magazine said to go with the flow, right? Just see where the conversation takes us, and, um, just a second..."
  960. >You open the magazine at your side open to the article about lewd phone-calls.
  961. >On the other end, you can hear Anon shuffle a bit in the tub.
  962. "It says," clearing your throat, "'Have the stallion take the lead and start you both off with a few personal questions, such as 'what are you wearing' or 'how are you wearing your mane'. Then, see where you go!'. I guess just do that then."
  963. >"Alright then. So uh, let's get started."
  964. >The line goes quiet for a moment, and you shuffle back on your bed so that you're leaning against the headboard.
  965. >"...So what are you wearing?"
  966. "Nothing."
  967. >"Right."
  968. >...
  969. >"...You sure?"
  970. >Glance down at yourself to make doubly-sure you're not accidentally wearing a sock.
  971. "Yup, pretty sure."
  972. >"Well alright then. How are you wearing your mane?"
  973. "Rarity calls it 'au naturel'. I think she's just being polite about my constant bedhead, though."
  974. >"You brush it though, don't you?"
  975. "A little bit? I don't really have time. I wake up in a morning and have time for a quick shower before I have to take care of the animals."
  976. >"That makes sense. I don't get a lot of time to do my hair either."
  977. "...You don't have hair."
  978. >"Yup. Feels good, man."
  979. >You snicker and fondly twist a lock of your mane with a hoof.
  980. "What are -you- wearing?"
  981. >"Pajamas."
  982. "The ones with the teddy-bears on them?"
  983. >"The very same. It's either this or go nude."
  984. "...Maybe you should take them off?"
  985. >"Nah, then I'll be cold. This tub is freezing."
  986. "Right, sorry, I forgot."
  987. >"That's okay."
  988. >...
  989. >"So. You feeling frisky yet?"
  990. "No more than usual."
  991. >"How much is 'usual'?"
  992. "Not very."
  993. >"Yeah, same."
  994. "Do you think we're doing this wrong?"
  995. >"I dunno, I think we're having a nice conversation."
  996. "But it's supposed to get l-lewd at some point..."
  997. >"Well what does the mag say?"
  998. "Umm..."
  999. >You read through it again.
  1000. "It says to think sexy thoughts whilst we talk to try and get into the mood."
  1001. >"Okay. Do you want to think sexy thoughts now then?"
  1002. "Sure! Ready?"
  1003. >"On your marks, get set, go!"
  1004. >...
  1005. "..."
  1006. >"..."
  1007. "..."
  1008. >...
  1009. >"..."
  1010. "What are you thinking about?"
  1011. >"You."
  1012. "Anything specific?"
  1013. >"Nah, just you in general. Did you get that lump under your hoof looked at yet?"
  1014. "Oh! Yes, the doctor said it was just a cyst."
  1015. >"Does that happen often?"
  1016. "Kinda. I know my mom is prone to them so I guess I inherited it."
  1017. >"I know how you feel, I get bruises really easily, and I get that from my dad."
  1018. "Really? I've never noticed."
  1019. >"If I ever knock myself when we're together I'll show you. No lie, I can go from clear skin to a black bruise in under five minutes."
  1020. "That's so weird!"
  1021. >"Right? They look way worse than they feel though."
  1022. "Well that's good, at least."
  1023. >"...I'm not feeling all that frisky, Shy."
  1024. "Me neither."
  1025. >"Any other useful tips in the article?"
  1026. "Uh, just says to have fun."
  1027. >"Well I've been having fun. I always like talking to you."
  1028. "Aww, you're sweet! So do you wanna meet up tomorrow?"
  1029. >"I have a thing at Junebug's, but I can be right over after? Wanna go for lunch again?"
  1030. "Sure! So um, should we call this quits?"
  1031. >"I think so. Not sure what the appeal was, really."
  1032. "Yeah, I'll tell Rarity the magazine wasn't much help."
  1033. >"Okie doke. I'll see you later then, Shy. Love you!"
  1034. "Love you too, Anon!"
  1035. >Click.
  1036.  
  1037. "So I don't think it really helped. Are you sure that sort of thing is good for couples to do?"
  1038. >"Darling, I... Did -neither- of you get into it? What did you talk about?"
  1039. "Well Anon was wearing his pajamas in the tub and I mentioned that I'd gotten another cyst. Is that what we were supposed to do?"
  1040. >Rarity covers her face with her forelegs and screams in frustration.
  1041.  
  1042. ---
  1043.  
  1044. "Never tell me Rarity is not a whore ever again."
  1045. - Anonymous, daring to besmirch the good name of FashionHorse.
  1046.  
  1047. >"Am I weird, Rarity?"
  1048. "Oh shush, I'll not hear any more of this self-defeating nonsense, Fluttershy. You're a mare in love! It's only natural to feel the way you do, and sex is of course one of the most intimate expressions of love you can convey to a stallion."
  1049. >You steal a quick sip from your teacup.
  1050. "Or 'man', in this case."
  1051. >"That's reassuring, thank you. But what do you think I can do? I was hoping you might be able to share some tips for getting males into bed... if that's okay with you."
  1052. >You smile ruefully at her.
  1053. "Well, I'm hardly the pony to be asking about that sort of thing, my dear! Though I hear Pinkie Pie tends to play things more 'fast and loose', so perhaps she can help?"
  1054. >Fluttershy cocks her head, curious.
  1055. >"You're... -not- the pony to ask?"
  1056. "Of course not," you say with a good-natured laugh, "why would I be?"
  1057. >Fluttershy blinks, clearly blind-sided by what you've said.
  1058. >"O-oh. Um. N-no reason."
  1059. >You frown and gently set down your cup with your magic, the delicate teacup clinking against the saucer.
  1060. "Something the matter, darling?"
  1061. >"No, it's nothing, I'm sorry."
  1062. "Clearly it isn't, is it something I said?"
  1063. >"I-I should just go, I'll see you later--"
  1064. "Tell me!" Your voice strains to more of a whine, "Come now, Fluttershy, we're close friends are we not? We share everything!"
  1065. >The pegasus has gone pink and refuses to meet your eye.
  1066. >"I just thought you might know how I can get Anon into bed since you, um, sleep with... so many... stallions?"
  1067. >She develops a cringe the longer she speaks, ending on a whisper.
  1068. >You stare at her, shocked.
  1069. "I-- oh."
  1070. >Blink and shift on your cushion.
  1071. "You think I...? Darling I'm, ah, well, I tell you this in confidence... but I'm still a virgin."
  1072. >Fluttershy's eyes bulge.
  1073. >"What?!"
  1074. "Shushushush!" It's just you and Fluttershy in your bedroom, but you still feel the need to quieten the already soft-spoken mare. "Yes; I've yet to meet the one, so I haven't done anything of that sort yet! Not that I'm not aware of how it all... works, but I've yet to cut the ribbon, as it were."
  1075. >"But... how?"
  1076. "What do you mean how? Do you not recall my daydreaming leading up to the Grand Galloping Gala? I would like to one day meet my Prince Charming and after he has swept me off my hooves, I will give him my virginity! It will be a fairy-tale romance for the ages, let me tell you!" You sigh wistfully at the thought of how beautiful your wedding will one day be.
  1077. >Fluttershy's brow is creased as the gears whir in her head.
  1078. >"But... surely you've heard the rumours!"
  1079. "...What rumours," you state flatly.
  1080. >"Um. Okay, well, if we're coming out with it everything, basically all of Ponyville thinks you're the town bicycle."
  1081. >You gawk at her as your stomach flips.
  1082. "Wh-WHAT?!"
  1083. >"I'm sorry! Th-that's what I've heard, please don't yell at me!"
  1084. "I'm not... how? How in Equestria did -this- start...?"
  1085. >"W-well you know, you're really um, prim, and you bat your eyelids a lot, and stallions drop everything to do what you ask them, including -Anon-, so I guess this sort of gave the impression that you... raise your tail a lot."
  1086. >She gives you a fearful grin, sweating.
  1087. >You're stuck for words, so you sit back and stare a wall for a bit.
  1088. >Eventually, you reach out with your magic for your teacup, necking its contents and ignoring the scalding sensation.
  1089. "Clearly I've not been paying enough attention to town gossip if -this- has slipped past me."
  1090. >Fluttershy looks shamefully at the floor.
  1091. >You give her a weak smile and reach over, patting her shoulder.
  1092. "Oh, it's alright, Fluttershy, I don't blame you for this. I suppose some jealous mare who wanted to bring me down a peg must have started a vile rumour at some point. It's not true, so that's what matters."
  1093. >She tenses and swallows, nodding bashfully and playing with her mane as she still refuses to look at you.
  1094. "Though it makes me wonder if what I know, or rather, what I -think- I know, about Pinkie Pie is true as well--"
  1095. >Your bed rocks as Pinkie Pie herself makes her grand entrance from beneath it in a shower of confetti and what sounds like a kazoo-orchestra.
  1096. >"Surprise!--"
  1097. >Yourself and Fluttershy both scream in terror; Pinkie continues, oblivious.
  1098. >"--Hi girls! Are we talking about butts and stuff? That's like my favourite topic! Rarity, I promise not to tell anyone that you're a prude, and Fluttershy, I promise not to tell Rarity that you accidentally started that rumour. So, who wants to know about how to get Anon in the sack? Because I've banged him a -ton- of times! I even kept notes!"
  1099. >She pulls a notepad out of her mane and flips over a few pages before stopping to look gleefully between the two of you.
  1100. >...
  1101. >Your head slowly turns back to Fluttershy, your eyes narrowing as you do so.
  1102. >She faints.
  1103.  
  1104. ---
  1105.  
  1106. "Nice try, Neb. We all know Rarity flaps her lower lips as much as her face ones."
  1107. - Anonymous, who should know better at this point than to goad me.
  1108.  
  1109. >"Anon, I don't mean to alarm you, but I've been cursed," Rarity says gravely, without moving her lips at all.
  1110. >You raise your eyebrow - the voice clearly came from her, but her mouth didn't move, even slightly.
  1111. "You uh, taking up ventriloquism there, Rarity? Gotta say, you're good at it."
  1112. >"Don't be ridiculous," you stare hard at her, trying to find the slightest hint of a twitch from her mouth, "Discord has done something to me, and I'm not sure what to do. Please could you help me?"
  1113. "Not sure what you want me to do to you."
  1114. >Rarity's tongue slips out of her lips slightly, then back in.
  1115. "...Did you just stick your tongue out at me?"
  1116. >"N-no. Look, do you know where Twilight is?"
  1117. "Haven't see her much this week, want me to get her?"
  1118. >"Yes please. I can't leave my house looking like this."
  1119. "Looking like what? You look fine."
  1120. >Once again, her tongue slips past her lips, then back.
  1121. "Why do you keep doing that?"
  1122. >"I don't!" The voice disembodied of Rarity cries, "It's automatic!"
  1123. >Your ear picks up on an inconsistency in the direction the voice is coming from, and you lilt your head to the side, looking at Rarity's rear.
  1124. >"Anon?" Her tongue 'bleps' again.
  1125. >You walk around to Rarity's rear and go down on one knee.
  1126. >"Y-you don't need to look there!" She tries to turn around, but you grapple her barrel under an arm, her butt facing away from you.
  1127. >Her tail attempts to pull closer to hide what's between her legs, but you use your free hand to pull it to one side, then stare at her vaginal lips.
  1128. "Rarity."
  1129. >"..."
  1130. "Rarity; speak."
  1131. >"I don't want to." Her lower lips move as though they were her actual lips.
  1132. >...
  1133. "Oh. Oh my god."
  1134. >"Fine, yes, my lips have been swapped around, happy?"
  1135. "...Wait then why are you doing that with your tongue-- are you -winking-?!"
  1136. >"N-no!"
  1137. "You are! Oh Christ, why? I thought that a sign of arousal!"
  1138. >"I-it can happen unbidden, I swear to you."
  1139. "Like hell it can, I remember my horse-lessons with Twilight."
  1140. >You lean back to look at Rarity's head, her vacant, unblinking expression not acknowledging you.
  1141. >Instead, her tongue goes 'blep' again.
  1142. "Oh that's just gross, why are you doing that so much?"
  1143. >"This is hardly the way I wanted you to find out that I rather like you, but I suppose now's as good a time as any."
  1144. >You give her an experimental squeeze with your grappling arm.
  1145. >Blep--
  1146. "Stop that."
  1147. >Blllllllep.
  1148. >You release her from your grasp and stand up again, looking uneasily at her back legs.
  1149. >"So are you going to get Twilight or not?" Rarity's vagina flaps at you.
  1150. "I am. Then I'm going to find Applejack."
  1151. >"Applejack? Why?"
  1152. "She's the only pony around here that can reliably hold her alcohol as much as I can, and I intend to drink like a horse tonight. If that doesn't help, then the next time I see Discord, I'm going to ask him if he can forcibly remove memories. But before then I'm going to punch him as hard as I can for doing this."
  1153. >...
  1154. >Rarity bleps.
  1155.  
  1156. ---
  1157.  
  1158. Anonymous posted a .gif of Celestia with the caption 'I will hug everypony'. I'm glad he did, as I spent the next 20 minutes thinking about how nice it would be to hug Celestia. One day, boys. One day.
  1159.  
  1160. >You're watching Twilight from across the library antechamber.
  1161. >Her eyes are locked onto yours, her form still.
  1162. >Your can hear the subtle thumping of blood in your ears as you try to match her stillness.
  1163. >A rhythmic chiming echoes from the other room, steadily getting louder.
  1164. >"I know you're both still in here somewhere! I can see books and ink-pots, were you both working again?"
  1165. >The sound of heavy horseshoes against the polished, tiled floor of Royal Canterlot Library is a bell toll; a countdown to your doom.
  1166. >You swallow, and try to push yourself farther back under your table, which is pressed against the wall and draped in an ornate cloth that almost reaches the floor and largely shields you from sight whilst providing a letterbox view from behind it.
  1167. >Twilight trembles involuntarily, her position on the opposite side of the room under her own table only a dozen paces from yours.
  1168. >She raises a hoof to her lips in a gesture for silence, her pleading expression prompting a nod from you.
  1169. >"Come along now, I'm not going to bite!" A gentle laugh floats into the antechamber, and you tense as a set of gold-shod white hooves strides into your limited vision.
  1170. >The thumping in your ears grows louder when you see them.
  1171. >You try to control your breathing; the hooves pause, not proceeding further.
  1172. >"Hmm. I'm sure I checked in here already..." she mutters to herself.
  1173. >Each second is ten as you wait for her to move on.
  1174. >"Or perhaps I..."
  1175. >There is a light.
  1176. >The sound of arcane energies being invoked.
  1177. >Your heart is in your mouth.
  1178. >A mad scrambling of hooves scraping futilely against a smooth surface is heard, along with a panicked scream.
  1179. >"-There- you are, Twilight! I knew I'd find you eventually!"
  1180. >"AGH! No! Anon, RUN!"
  1181. >Without hesitation you burst forth from your hiding spot and sprint from the room.
  1182. >As you do so, you see an overjoyed Princess Celestia sat on her haunches; nuzzling and hugging her favourite student, her face one of utter contentment as Twilight squawks and attempts to wriggle free from her indomitable clutches.
  1183. >"Princess, p-please!" You hear Twilight's complaint as you flee the scene, "Your hugs are too warm!"
  1184. >You stop running and turn to watch in horror as Twilight's eyes slowly close, the animal panic in them quickly dying.
  1185. >"Y-you're too... soft..."
  1186. >The little purple unicorn collapses into her teacher's grasp, and Celestia coos; rocking her precious protégé to sleep.
  1187. >"Nothing like a good hug from a friend," Celestia says softly as she levitates a sleeping Twilight beside her in a golden aura.
  1188. >Then, like a predator turning to see fair game, her magenta eyes fall upon you.
  1189. >You know you should have been running, but you can't tear your gaze away. You're frozen; a lamb before a lioness.
  1190. >Instead, all you can manage is a rigid step back.
  1191. >"Anonymous," she relishes your name, "I do believe you've yet to be hugged whilst you've been staying with us, is that right?"
  1192. "S-stay back, Celestia. I have things to do today."
  1193. >"Oh?" She stands and begins carefully walking towards you, your unicorn colleague hovering alongside her.
  1194. "I have errands to run, a-and a schedule to meet. I want to be productive!"
  1195. >"Productive?" She laughs joyously, "Oh no, Anonymous, there is to be no productivity today. Only cuddles and naptime."
  1196. "Damn it Celestia, I'm an adult! I don't need these- these infantile affections!"
  1197. >"Oh dear," she pouts, "someone's grumpy."
  1198. "Of course I am! Twilight and I were working on an important report, but now we'll only be able to finish it tomorrow!"
  1199. >"Now there's no need for any aggravation. Why don't you come here and we can talk it out, hm?"
  1200. >You force yourself to back away, her gentle, motherly eyes are enrapturing, like that of a basilisk.
  1201. "I, am a grown-ass man."
  1202. >You grit your teeth.
  1203. "And I will not be hugged like some -child-!"
  1204. >With that, you almost trip over yourself as you sprint from her.
  1205. >You don't hear further words from Celestia, but you do hear movement; the horribly quickening sounds of a mare in full gallop.
  1206. >Praying to the primal gods of humanity, you hope that your long legs and favourable evolution are enough to carry you from this horror.
  1207. >But as you feel a great weight tackle into the back of you, you can only whimper.
  1208. >Your world is a mess of arms and legs for a short while as you tumble to the floor in the confused grip of a horse princess roughly the same size as you.
  1209. >At one point you manage to stand, only to be brought low again.
  1210. "N-no!" You shout in a panic.
  1211. >A pair of great white wings unfurl and wrap around your back, sealing you away from the world, with powerful hooves pulling you against the breast of an overly-affectionate mare.
  1212. >Her body isn't just warm; it's a specific kind of warm.
  1213. >To be enveloped in Celestia's embrace is to be tucked up tightly under a duvet on a cold winter morning. Her scent is of freshly-baked cookies and warm laundry. Her nose nuzzling your ear triggers some kind of automatic reflex in you, and you feel your eyelids become like rocks.
  1214. >The fear that once fuelled you is ebbing away, becoming duller and more distant until it is nothing.
  1215. >She nickers inaudibly, and kisses your forehead and cheek a few times, all the while hugging you close.
  1216. >You can see nothing but white. Feel nothing but safety and an irresistible, doting love. You are lost in a world of unparalleled comfort.
  1217. >Despite having downed several cups of coffee earlier, you yawn unbidden.
  1218. "Da... damn you... Celest..." you whisper before trailing off.
  1219. >"Shh, no upset; only dreams. I love you very much, my little human."
  1220. >A dopey smile is all you can manage as your eyes close.
  1221.  
  1222. >You wake up with a start six hours later, Twilight now clinging to you and kicking a back-leg in her sleep as she drools on your chest.
  1223. >You're lying on a pile of cushions in a corner of the library.
  1224. >An old stallion is stood over you - his horn illuminating the darkness - regarding you with pity. It's the head librarian.
  1225. >"Did she get you both, son?"
  1226. "I... yes, I think she did."
  1227. >"Was this your first time?"
  1228. "I've managed to evade her up until now."
  1229. >He sighs, heavily.
  1230. >"In time, you will learn the secret places around the castle where you can hide. But you ought to know better than to attempt to be productive on a Sunday. In a way, you were tempting fate."
  1231. "I see that now."
  1232. >"She's a different mare on a Sunday." He continues, speaking more to the room than to you. "We're not sure why, only that it has been this way for generations."
  1233. "What about the guards? Luna? Does she get them too?"
  1234. >"Oh yes; none are safe from her. If you are working, she will look for you; she -will- find you." He whispers his last words, "And she will hug you."
  1235.  
  1236. ---
  1237.  
  1238. "Dang, now I want to read about Anon getting stuck in a bunker for an indeterminate amount time with a handsy (hoovesy?) pony."
  1239. - Anonymous, and also some other guy who posted a picture from the old Rainbro threads. Shout-out to Rainbro; they're either all dead or in AiE, but we're keeping their spirit alive.
  1240.  
  1241. >The earth trembles, staggering you a bit as you sprint over the grass.
  1242. >You hurl open the flimsy wooden door to your garden shed and tear the piece of worn carpet covering the floor back, revealing an imposing metal slab.
  1243. >Your hands fumble with the keys in your hands to find the large iron one you're looking for.
  1244. >It slots into the lock, but needs a bit of strain to twist.
  1245. >As you struggle, there are distant rumbles, and you feel the ground shake again.
  1246. "Come on, come o-on..."
  1247. >Mercifully, you hear the mechanism give, albeit with a great deal of protest.
  1248. >At least it's not easy to get into, which is the point.
  1249. >The trap-door unlocks, and you heave it open, sliding your legs into the hole and onto the ladder before reaching for the interior handle to pull it shut.
  1250. >A shrill shout begs you from outside before you can do so.
  1251. >"Anon! Wait!"
  1252. >...
  1253. >You grip the handle and attempt to pull the heavy door shut even faster.
  1254. >Not fast enough, though, and a multi-hue blur surges down into the hole ahead of you.
  1255. "God dammit."
  1256. >"Hurry! Close the door!"
  1257. >You groan and yank one final time, the slab falling back into place with a reverberating slam, blocking out the world.
  1258. >After twisting the key in the other side of the lock, you descend the short ladder into your private underground bunker.
  1259. >It's a cozy little abode with only the bare necessities; a bed, a table and single chair, a shelf packed with dry and non-perishable foodstuffs; a deck of playing cards; writing supplies; games-for-one; and whatever books you could snag before the disaster struck.
  1260. >There is a passage leading off to one side with a toilet and shower that draws from a subterranean tank of rainwater, and a few regenerating light-bulbs hang from the low ceilings in each room.
  1261. >It's the perfect spot for a man to wait out unpleasant world-shattering cataclysms.
  1262. >Unfortunately, you now also appear to have a rainbow-maned pegasus sat on your bed smiling at you.
  1263. >"Cool bunker, Anon!"
  1264. "Rainbow Dash. I thought you'd be shacking it up with the others."
  1265. >"I was gonna, but then I thought about you and didn't want you to be lonely."
  1266. "Appreciate the thought, but I'll be fine. I'm sure if I let you back out you'd be able to make it to Pinkie's Special Friendship Bunker across town in time."
  1267. >"No offence to Pinkie, but I don't really wanna spend time cramped with like fifty other ponies underground. I'd go kinda nuts. Also I saw Pinkie packing it with a -lot- of drugs. I think she was planning on throwing an end-of-the-world surprise party and I didn't wanna be anywhere nearby when she started snorting the Zebrican Panpowder."
  1268. "Right; so spending it cramped underground with me is way better," you say flatly.
  1269. >"Totally!"
  1270. "Well move over then, that's my bed."
  1271. >"-Our- bed now, roomie!"
  1272. "Great."
  1273. >She shuffles over and eagerly pats the mattress, and you slump onto it.
  1274. >Rainbow wastes no time shuffling up next to you, resting her head against your arm and looking sidelong up at you.
  1275. >"So how long do you think it's gonna last out there?"
  1276. "No idea, I've never been in an apocalypse before."
  1277. >"But you were super prepped for it! I remember when you first ran around town screaming about how the current generation was coming to an end and everyone laughed at you."
  1278. "A -few- ponies laughed at me, Rainbow Dash. Most of it came from you, though."
  1279. >"Ch'yeah, you were waving your arms around and everything, it was hilarious."
  1280. "I'd just seen a vision of the future, of course I was waving my arms around."
  1281. >"So what's gonna happen?"
  1282. "From what I saw, life as we know it in Equestria will be wiped clean, and from the ashes of our civilisation a new breed of pony will emerge. One with -extra dimensions-."
  1283. >"Woah, what does -that- mean?"
  1284. "I'm not sure, but I don't like the sound of it. I'm perfectly happy with my current number of dimensions, thank you very much."
  1285. >She nods in agreement even though it's obvious she has no idea what she's agreeing with.
  1286. >"So now we just wait it out? What do we do after it's over?"
  1287. "Well from what I saw from documentaries and educational materials back on Earth; we just need to stay down here for about two-hundred years, and sooner-or-later our great-great-great grandkids will emerge to reclaim the surface world. Also they might need to fight over a hydro-electric dam at some point."
  1288. >"Do we have enough food for two-hundred years?"
  1289. "Uhh--" you look over and check your shelf, "I'd say about three weeks. We may need to ration it."
  1290. >"'Kay."
  1291. >...
  1292. >The ground moves again, and the magi-light bulb dangling from the ceiling sways.
  1293. >"So... Um, what now?"
  1294. "Now, we wait."
  1295. >"For two-hundred years?"
  1296. "Well, maybe Judgement Day will be over by lunch-time, who knows."
  1297. >"What will we do until then?"
  1298. "Read books, I guess."
  1299. >"Do you have any Daring Do?"
  1300. "I have..."
  1301. >You drag yourself off the bed and squat down by your box of reading materials, looking through and calling them out.
  1302. "'Foal's First Feeding: A Guide to Breastfeeding Your Newborn', 'Equestria's Top Garden Ornaments', 'Yaks: Why?', 'The Pony Sutra', and 'How I Plan To End All Life In Equestria And Introduce Extra, Mostly Unwanted Dimensions - An Auto-Biography by Discord'."
  1303. >"Is that it?"
  1304. "That's it, yeah."
  1305. >"-That's- what you brought underground?"
  1306. "Hey, I was in a rush, and Twilight wasn't doing me any favours. She was busy trying to stop this all from happening," you snort, "as if she could stop something like this. The ride never ends, Rainbow Dash, it just slows down from time-to-time."
  1307. >"Well what's 'The Pony Sutra'? That sounds quirky."
  1308. "It's uhh..." you pluck it out and read the blurb, "One hundred sex positions you and your partner can try to invigorate your bedroom activities and foster a closer emotional bond. Foreword by Princess Cadence."
  1309. >You sniff.
  1310. "Sounds dumb; I'm sure you'll love it."
  1311. >You carelessly toss it at Rainbow, who snatches it out of the air with her hooves and greedily starts reading its contents.
  1312. >You retrieve 'Yaks: Why?' and settle back down on the mattress, turning to the first page.
  1313. >"Hey, um, Anon?"
  1314. "Yo."
  1315. >"Where's the bathroom?"
  1316. >You gesture off to the side without really looking, and Rainbow darts off, taking her book with her.
  1317. >As you read, you ruminate on the surprisingly engrossing subject matter of the book.
  1318. >' [...]but why does Equinekind tolerate the Yak? The Yak is a dirty, obstinate, destructive creature that does not create works of fine art or literature. Equestria would be a better place were they all to be culled[...] '
  1319. >You find yourself nodding along; this Lowset Hurdles guy was really onto something.
  1320. >After a good hour, Rainbow re-emerges; a powerful smell accompanying her.
  1321. "What took you so long; you fall in?"
  1322. >She doesn't answer.
  1323. >You glance over the top of your book at her and blink.
  1324. >The mare wears a zen-like expression, her mane is stuck to her face from sweat, and she holds the book aloft in a hoof as though it's the Holy Grail itself.
  1325. >"Anon. I have seen the light."
  1326. >You glance up at the light-bulb, then back at her.
  1327. "Yeah? Well don't break it, it cost me a fortune."
  1328. >"No, this book; do you have any idea what this stuff is? The whole thing, it's like... like a prophecy!"
  1329. "Ooo, big word. Do you know what it means?"
  1330. >"I'm being serious."
  1331. "That's rare; should I be scared?"
  1332. >"You mentioned before that our grandkids would need to inherent the planet, and now I understand."
  1333. >She draws in a deep, shuddering breath.
  1334. >"Celestia herself brought us here, Anon. I can feel it. Me and you have a sacred duty to raise the next generation of ponies, and it all starts here, in this bunker!"
  1335. "I can assure you that nothing you just said has any bearing on reality."
  1336. >"The Pony Sutra has shown me the way; I know now how to truly please a stallion, and I'll use what I learned to foster our offspring!"
  1337. "Damn, you really did learn something from that book. Never heard you use the word 'foster' in my life."
  1338. >"It's on the back of the book, Anon, you -just- read it."
  1339. "Oh yeah; forgot."
  1340. >She marches over to you and jumps onto the bed.
  1341. >You're reclining against the wall, your knees pulled up slightly.
  1342. >Rainbow wriggles between them and stares into your eyes.
  1343. "Uhh--"
  1344. >"We have to do this, Anon. It's our duty."
  1345. "Heh; doody."
  1346. >"And it all starts with a kiss. That's what it said in chapter one, at least."
  1347. >She lunges forward and presses her lips against yours.
  1348. >As she does so, a particularly loud explosion above-ground rocks the bunker, and Dash steadies herself by wrapping her hooves around your chest.
  1349. >Rather than continue making out with a horse, you decide to push her away and wipe your mouth in disgust.
  1350. "Christ, Dash, knock it off; if I'm going to be spending possibly up to two-hundred years down here, I'd rather not do so knowing what your tongue tastes like."
  1351. >"You'll taste a lot more than my tongue, come here!"
  1352. >Rainbow Dash attempts to make love to you.
  1353. >It is a one-way endeavour, and not something you're terribly keen on reciprocating.
  1354. >With a pony attempting to ram her tongue down your throat, you ponder the teachings of Lowset Hurdles and consider if they might be applicable to pegasi.
  1355. >Rainbow's hoof then rigorously rubs your crotch through your pants.
  1356. >Unfortunately, she is in fact - an equine.
  1357. >One would assume that, being squishy colourful marshmallow ponies, their hooves would be soft and gentle and lovely and all sorts of other nice things.
  1358. >One would be wrong. The outer wall of a horse hoof is made of a keratinised structure and, though slightly elastic to accommodate for concussive forces, is very hard.
  1359. >Meaning that having something like that rubbing against your balls, specifically the testicular tubes, hurts.
  1360. >A great deal.
  1361. >Which is why you are now on the floor by the bed, screaming.
  1362. >Rainbow's ears fall flat against her head, and she tries to force a grin.
  1363. >"C-come on, Anon, it's not that bad, right?"
  1364. >You answer her by howling and cursing her name.
  1365. >She gulps and taps her front hooves together gingerly.
  1366. >"Maybe we could try again later?"
  1367. >You whimper, hands clutching your family jewels and trying not to cry from the pain.
  1368. >"Um. I'm... sorry?"
  1369. >Your efforts are futile, and you blubber.
  1370. >The mare sits on your bed and tries to look at anything other than the human writhing around in genital-based agony on the floor.
  1371. >Eventually she clears her throat and motions to the ladders at the far end of the room.
  1372. >"So-oo... I kinda think I actually might be needed in the other bunker? Pinkie'll need help doing all those drugs, so..."
  1373. >She slides off the bed and delicately takes the set of keys from the table.
  1374. >"I'll throw the keys back down before I shut the door. Good luck down here, Anon. Sorry about your, uh, balls."
  1375. >The mare hesitates before she leaves, and after a second thought, takes 'The Pony Sutra' with her.
  1376. >"Best take this, I might need it for the party, you know how they can get."
  1377. "...Guhh..."
  1378. >"...Right."
  1379. >Rainbow vanishes, and you hear the plink of keys hitting the floor at the base of the ladder before the metal door slams shut again.
  1380.  
  1381. >The good news is, there wasn't any permanent damage to your balls.
  1382. >The bad news is, there was definitely permanent damage to the surface world.
  1383. >Now you're chilling with some 3D mare called Izzy Moonbow, and honestly? You don't care for her tennis-ball shenanigans one bit.
  1384.  
  1385. ---
  1386.  
  1387. Anonymous posted a picture of Fluttershy as a loaf of bread.
  1388. Yes, I know. I'm not kidding.
  1389.  
  1390. >You turn to the next page in your edition of Marecock Monthly.
  1391. >Nod slowly as you browse its lurid contents..
  1392. "Man, these mares have -massive- cocks."
  1393. >You whistle at an impressive photograph of Applejack in all her glory.
  1394. >She grins at the camera, boasting a chunky rooster under her arm with a 'Best in Show' ribbon pinned to its feathered breast.
  1395. >Equestria's premier chicken and rooster subscription may be marketed to females, but that didn't stop you from reading it. Some of the articles were downright inspiring.
  1396. >Your chicken-centred meditations are rudely cut short as a flash and a bang happen before you.
  1397. >Lower the magazine slightly and glance up at Discord, who now towers over you as you relax in your favourite armchair.
  1398. >He looks very distressed, which usually means either a pox or ill fortune is to befall your household imminently.
  1399. >You make a mental note to stop by the store later to buy more salt and quartz crystals.
  1400. >Glancing away from the beast's worried face, you consider the large loaf of bread he's clutching between two trembling hands.
  1401. >"Hello Anon!" Says the bread.
  1402. "Oh."
  1403.  
  1404. >Discord paces around your kitchen as you regard the bread now sat on your kitchen table.
  1405. >The bread, complete with a pink mane and two bright blue adoring eyes, beams at you and extends her tongue.
  1406. >Her stubby pink muscle waggles around in the air before her, desperately trying to lick you.
  1407. >You are perturbed.
  1408. >"It was a knee-jerk reaction, that's all!" The draconequus exclaims as he does another lap, "She told me she once wished she could be a tree and I told her that that was as ridiculous as being a loaf of bread; then she thinks on it for a moment and says 'oh!'," Discord mimics her voice perfectly, "'well, I think I'd like to be a nice warm loaf of bread too!', so then I just... well, look!"
  1409. "...Just turned her into bread."
  1410. >"I turned her into bread!"
  1411. "But -why- did you turn her into bread."
  1412. >"What good is it asking me that? I don't pretend to know what I'm doing at the best of times, Anonymous."
  1413. "Really? I thought you always had a grand plan."
  1414. >"Only because I'm able to improvise!"
  1415. "So why is this any different?"
  1416. >"Have you ever tried to transmogrify bread back into a pony?"
  1417. "No?"
  1418. >"Well if you had, you would understand why that's such a stupid question."
  1419. "So you can't magic your way out of this one?"
  1420. >"No! We'll need the Elements of Harmony!"
  1421. "Then why not go and get them?"
  1422. >Discord looks at you despairingly, then gestures a splayed claw at the Flutterloaf on your table, currently attempting to shuffle and jump its way closer to you.
  1423. >You gently slide the loaf back away from you with a hand and a grimace.
  1424. "Won't work because you went and turned one of the elements into bread."
  1425. >Discord looks miserable.
  1426. >"It's not even -nice- bread. Perhaps I could have made her into a baguette, or a ciabatta. Instead, she's a borodinsky."
  1427. >He sighs.
  1428. >"I don't even know what a borodinsky -is-..."
  1429. >"Anon?" the Flutterloaf chirps.
  1430. "...Yes?"
  1431. >"I'm really soft on the inside!"
  1432. "Okay?"
  1433. >"You should thrust yourself deep inside me! I'm still super warm! Then when you cum you can eat a slice of me with your man mayonnaise spread all over!"
  1434. >Slowly, your head twists to Discord.
  1435. >He looks between you and the bread, his expression neutral.
  1436. "You're fixing this."
  1437. >"But it's not--"
  1438. "NOW."
  1439.  
  1440. >It took time, patience, tears, a quick trip to a mystical cave in Zebrica, a climactic duel atop an ancient pyramid, twenty-seven chapters of world-building, an unnecessary love-triangle between you, Applejack, and a seductive mare you met at the Sao Quada Black Market, as well as more blood than you can reasonably assert was necessary, but Fluttershy is eventually turned back into her regular self.
  1441. >Discord swore himself off polymorphing anything for the rest of his life. You give him a week, tops.
  1442. >Meanwhile, you'll never touch another slice of bread as long as you live.
  1443. >Which turns out to be a good thing, since you would later discover you have a gluten allergy.
  1444. >You're not sure what shocks you more; that you're gluten intolerant, or that gluten intolerance wasn't actually a meme made up by bored valley-girls on Facebook.
  1445.  
  1446. ---
  1447.  
  1448. "Oh yeah? Well how's this for content!"
  1449. - Anonymous, posting a tiny picture with that anti-trans copypasta on it, only the picture is too small to read. If you're gonna shitpost, Anon, at least make it legible.
  1450.  
  1451. >You squint at the paper.
  1452. "Just hang on a spell; you made this hard to read."
  1453. >Fluttershy paws at the ground nervously.
  1454. >"Can you really not read it?"
  1455. "Can you? I know pony eyes are huge, but damn, if you can read this then I'm missing out."
  1456. >"Do you want me to read it to you?"
  1457. "Sure," you hand it back to her and she clears her throat.
  1458. >"You will never be a woman," she starts.
  1459. "No, I don't imagine I will, unless there's some sort of freaky gender-bending magic in Equestria. Is there?"
  1460. >"Uh, Twilight tried some a while ago when Trixie came back. Then again I think that was a trick to get her to leave..."
  1461. "Who's Trixie?"
  1462. >"A travelling stage magician who has a grudge against Twilight."
  1463. "Twi always did have a habit of making the strangest rivals. That's so like her, to start a feud with a gypsy."
  1464. >"What's a gypsy?"
  1465. "Travellers from my world; they try to make out like they're some noble, oppressed group of mystical wanderers, but really they just squat on people's land and start fights with the cops whenever they show up to remove them."
  1466. >"...That sounds a -lot- like Trixie."
  1467. "Perhaps Equestria and Earth are more similar than we thought."
  1468. >"Maybe."
  1469. >She blinks.
  1470. >"What were we talking about again?"
  1471. "I think you were guessing my fetish."
  1472. >"Oh. Uhh," she looks around, then sees a rock with some moss on it, "is that your fetish?"
  1473. >You purse your lips and study the rock.
  1474. "A cautious no, but I -have- been wrong before."
  1475. >"Darn."
  1476. "Better luck next time, Fluttershy."
  1477. >She nods glumly and wanders off, seemingly forgetting about the weird diatribe she'd written on the paper.
  1478. >You wipe your forehead with a shaking hand.
  1479. >Then grab the mossy rock and dart back inside, locking the door as you go.
  1480.  
  1481. ---
  1482.  
  1483. Remember that Twilight-best-friend short from earlier? An Anon followed it up with a picture of a shirt that glorified Twilight and told Fluttershy to back off. What followed was the thrilling, action-packed conclusion.
  1484.  
  1485. >Fluttershy steps past the tree-line and into the circular clearing.
  1486. >Twilight stands beside you, wearing a confident smirk.
  1487. >Your brow furrows as you watch Fluttershy steadily approach, and a sense of foreboding suggests that Twilight ought not make the situation any worse by taunting her.
  1488. >"So it's true, then," Fluttershy calls out. She comes to a stop two metres from you, her eyes locked onto your chest.
  1489. >You can see her keen pegasus eyes reading the text on your shirt even from this distance, and her fur bristles as she does so.
  1490. >"I'm sorry, Fluttershy; in the game of love there are only winners and losers." Your purple companion says, seemingly incapable of keeping the smugness out of her voice.
  1491. >"A loser, am I, Twilight?"
  1492. >Twilight gestures at you, "The evidence is undeniable."
  1493. >The pegasus retorts with a smile laced with cynicism, "I have denied so-called 'evidence' in the past, Sparkle."
  1494. >Twilight huffs, her tail flicking with frustration. "You're upset, I get that, but I called this meeting to settle the argument. Anon chose me, not you."
  1495. >Fluttershy's eyes only offer a courteous glance to Twilight as she speaks; her gaze mostly remains fixed on you.
  1496. >"After all we've been through, Anon? You'll choose -her- over -me-?"
  1497. "She respects my personal space," you hesitate, "mostly. She's just better, Fluttershy. Better for me than you ever could be."
  1498. >Fluttershy's body tenses, her muscles rippling under the surface of her coat.
  1499. >"Better?" She spits, "Some bookish nerd from Canterlot is better than -me-?"
  1500. "Less prone to neurotic fits, at least. But only by a little."
  1501. >Fluttershy nods slowly; carefully.
  1502. >"Then the course is set," she mutters.
  1503. >Your hands clench, and Twilight steps ahead of you, glaring at Fluttershy.
  1504. >"Don't do anything you'll regret, Fluttershy," she warns.
  1505. >The other mare's eyes dart between you both, but settle on Twilight and narrow. You see her size the unicorn up, judging the distance between the two of them.
  1506. >"Oh Twilight," the mare grins malevolently and her wings flare, the grass nearby shivering, "I won't regret a thing."
  1507. >Fluttershy launches herself forward from a standing position, her hooves leaving shallow grooves in the earth as she closes the gap between herself and Twilight.
  1508. >A hoof crushes against Twilight's jaw, making the unicorn reel backwards, the sound echoing around the glade; you take a stunned step back, gawking in shock.
  1509. >As she stumbles, Twilight's horn ignites, a corona of angered magic the herald of her considerable arcane might.
  1510. >Fluttershy follows through with her punch, bringing her other front hoof to bear.
  1511. >Before she can land it, a ripple of force further shunts you back, and the grass of the field lies flat as Fluttershy is hurled from Twilight, the mare's body flailing through the air as her wings struggle to find purchase on the chaotic eddies formed by Twilight's outburst.
  1512. >The unicorn further retaliates with a brilliant spear of purple magic, aiming for her skyward opponent.
  1513. >Recovering far quicker than you would normally expect from her, the pegasus furls her wings and drops like a stone for a short while, narrowly evading the violet beam. Using her gaining momentum to her advantage, she unfurls them once more and transitions into a smooth curve, carrying her over the ground and back to Twilight, who conjures a forward-facing shield to defend herself.
  1514. >Fluttershy nimbly rolls sideways in the air, shooting around the shimmering oval.
  1515. >Twilight doesn't respond fast enough, and is caught between dropping the shield and addressing the new threat as Fluttershy twists sharply in the air and delivers a bone-breaking kick to Twilight's shoulder with her rear hoof.
  1516. >You wince as you hear Twilight's shoulder give, and the unicorn screams from the jolt of pain. She is thrown back from the impact and rolls on the grass. Fluttershy drops onto the green and prepares to strike again, but you are watching Twilight.
  1517. >Her eyes have shrunken to pinpricks; her breathing is heavy. You stagger away, not because you don't want to intervene, but because you feel the air become close, and the hairs on your bare arms stand as though in the presence of a tesla coil.
  1518. >Twilight's scream becomes a roar, and her eyes glaze over with a flaming white haze.
  1519. >Fluttershy springs forth again to deliver more blows, but abandons the plan in favour of evasion as a searing beam of neon violet slices the ground where she had been standing.
  1520. >The beam carves a deep, smouldering gouge through the meadow, travelling up and dissipating in the woods, but not before cleanly slicing several trees in half.
  1521. >Twilight, her powers fully realised, rips great chunks of the earth free from beneath her and throws them in Fluttershy's direction.
  1522. >The clods of dense soil and rock almost entirely disintegrate in flight from the sheer force behind them, but the pegasus moves with an agility you've never seen, deftly evading the barrage and only taking a few hits as stray shards of rock score her coat, leaving bloody trails.
  1523. >She dances into the coming storm, her natural grace proving to be her saviour and allowing her to side-step and duck the projectiles in a display that would be beautiful were the circumstances not so dire.
  1524. >Twilight growls in frustration and changes tactics, her entire body glowing with violet light.
  1525. >She leaps from her position to meet Fluttershy, a hoof wreathed in purple fire drawn back and ready to strike.
  1526. >The better of the two combatants, Fluttershy effortlessly dodges Twilight's telegraphed attack and delivers a series of blows to the unicorn's ribs, only to dance away before Twilight can respond.
  1527. >You watch in silence; Fluttershy's hooves smoulder where she had touched the unicorn, and you see her grit her teeth as the burns she'd suffered from the ethereal fire make themselves felt.
  1528. >Twilight then disappears in a flash, appearing behind Fluttershy and kicking her square in the ribs with an empowered rear leg, a sound like two great boulders smashing together reverberating through the area.
  1529. >The wind is forced from Fluttershy's lungs, and she is thrown back to the outer-edge of the clearing.
  1530. >She wheezes as she staggers to her hooves, limping and clutching her side. A trickle of blood escapes her lips.
  1531. >Twilight watches her, daring her to move, more chunks of the ground carved up and made into a waiting arsenal of earthen punishment should Fluttershy attempt to come closer.
  1532. >Instead, the pegasus throws back her head and shrieks.
  1533. >Her cry pierces the air, and you wince. Twilight does the same, her eyes narrowing.
  1534. >Fluttershy points a shaking hoof at the unicorn, and another scream rends the air, though this one bears not just a mere word, but a -command-.
  1535. >"HER."
  1536. >From all around the clearing, a previously unseen horde of woodland animals bursts from the undergrowth. Twilight is surrounded on all sides by wolves, badgers, and even a few bears; the animals howl as one and thunder across the grass towards her, murder in their eyes fuelled by an anger directly solely towards the one that would hurt their mistress.
  1537. >She grimaces, and turns her intimidating arsenal on them instead.
  1538. >You drop prone and stay low to avoid the tempest of dirt and rock-shards as Twilight turns the area into a nightmare of screaming animals and howling winds that carry her deadly ordinance.
  1539. >The lesser creatures - wolves and badgers - are made into petty ragdolls; their forms ripped apart and cast aside in the hurricane of magical winds and the bludgeoning force of high-velocity earth.
  1540. >Your body is stained as droplets of animal blood are drawn from the unfortunate creatures, a mist of red joining the circling wind.
  1541. >A surviving bear, the largest of his group, is undeterred by the rocks shunting against his sides. Stubbornly refusing to be dragged into the air by the groping winds, he powers through the fury, reaching the unicorn from behind and grabbing her, lifting her towards him in his crushing grasp.
  1542. >She yelps, her shock apparent, and turns her attention to try and deal with the beast.
  1543. >A second too late. He clamps his jaw around her neck and clenches just as her magic encompasses his entire body and -pulls-.
  1544. >Where there was once a bear is now several bloodied chunks of one; the animal's whole body having been haphazardly ripped into a dozen mismatched lumps of brown-capped gore that now litter the ground surrounding her.
  1545. >The damage had been done though, and the great ugly teeth had torn into Twilight's throat.
  1546. >She gasps for air, her body wracked with shuddering breaths.
  1547. >The mare collapses to the grass, wheezing, her flickering magic desperately trying to stem the flow of bleeding.
  1548. >Fluttershy approaches from Twilight's front, her eyes focused on the mare.
  1549. >One of her wings is bent in an unnatural way, and her limp has worsened. Her entire body has been scoured with detritus from the arcane storm; there is scarcely an area of her body not coated crimson.
  1550. >You now see her coughing; flecks of blood ejected with each gurgling sound.
  1551. >Her own breathing is ragged, more-so than Twilight, and you recognise that the unicorns kick must have snapped several of her ribs inward, puncturing a lung.
  1552. >Fluttershy stops short of Twilight, and her legs give out, the pegasus no longer having the strength to stay standing.
  1553. >Twilight gasps for breath, the once vivid halo of magic nursing her horn weak and sparking.
  1554. >Her eyes roll into the back of her head, and she gives you one last pained look before her body crumples against the blood-soaked grass, still.
  1555. >Fluttershy attempts a short laugh, but only manages to cough up more blood.
  1556. >She gazes at you, a small smile on her lips.
  1557. >"W-was that... your... fe..." The mare is unable to finish, and sags to the side, her chest rising one final time before coming to a silent rest.
  1558. >You stand, trembling.
  1559. >Looking around at the clearing, it's a scene of butchered forest animals, and mounds of displaced earth strewn about amidst great wounds inflicted upon the glade.
  1560. >All is awash with blood; the scent of death hangs in the air, a stillness hangs over the area with not even the wind making itself known.
  1561. >You survey this carnage in silence, then look once more at the two motionless ponies not far from you.
  1562. >Only a few hoofsteps apart, they look almost peaceful.
  1563. >Eventually, you nod, the shock wearing off; tears form and cascade down your mud-streaked cheeks.
  1564. "You're god-damned right it was, you funky yellow horse."
  1565.  
  1566. The End.

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