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[FLUTTERRAPE] Thread Shorts Volume 6

By Nebulus
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-04-14 16:48:53
Expiry: Never
anonnsfwcomedy/flutterrape/various characters

  1. One of these days I'll have written more words in shorts than actual stories.
  2. Ah well, there are worse things to waste my life doing. I could be a furry. Imagine how horrible that would be?
  3.  
  4. This one is a compilation of two threads-worth of shorts, as the prior thread didn't really contain enough content to warrant a paste.
  5.  
  6. At the very bottom I've included two non-FR shorts I did recently both because they made me chuckle and I can't see the point in creating a separate paste for them. This compilation is still largely FR though, so don't get your mane in a tangle.
  7.  
  8. ---
  9.  
  10. "January 1st, 2022: FR, RGRE, and Yandere all merge to create one super-thread fuelled by sexually frustrated mares. Mark it on your calendars."
  11. - Me.
  12.  
  13. "I'd like to call this council to session."
  14. >Fluttershy's head jerks backwards with a sickening snap, the mare's body crumpling to the floor.
  15. >You sigh, rubbing your eyes with a hoof.
  16. "Eris, would you -please- stop killing Fluttershy."
  17. >Eris, the draconequus languidly floating beside the table, shrugs and takes a long sip from her can of fizzy-pop with an unnecessarily long crazy-straw protruding from it.
  18. >She finishes with a satisfied sigh and smiles sweetly at you.
  19. >"What? Not like she's going to stay dead."
  20. >A blur of ominous green, and the yellow pegasus drags herself off the tiles and back into her seat, her hooves twisting her head back into its proper position with a series of unsettling groans and visceral sounds. She cringes as she does so, a tremor jolting through her entire body.
  21. >"C-can you not do that anymore? I don't know if you've ever died before, but it hurts."
  22. >"Really?" Eris says amusedly, "I'd better look into the heart of the issue, then."
  23. >Eris snaps her fingers and a small beating heart materialises above it, floating in a shimmering gold aura. The beast regards it with faux-curiosity.
  24. >Fluttershy squints at the beating heart, then puts a hoof over her chest. She rolls her eyes and manages to say "for the love of--" before dying again.
  25. "Eris, please put Fluttershy's heart back in her chest."
  26. >"Fine," she shrugs and with a pop the heart disappears, Fluttershy awakening once more with a laboured gasp.
  27. >You sit up in your seat at the head of the table in your private study and try to be as professional as you can, given your company.
  28. "Now, we're here for a noble purpose, I'm sure you all agree, and I was hoping we could put our heads together to make it work."
  29. >"Anon, right?" Eris smiles. "My favourite topic."
  30. >Fluttershy, despite having tasted death seven times already during the meeting - six of them at the hands of Eris and one by sheer accident - nods eagerly.
  31. >"I think we can really come up with something good!" The pegasus remarks, "Maybe an accord? But then... I don't know what you've already got planned, Cele-- um, Princess Celestia..."
  32. "No need for that, Fluttershy," you smile warmly, "we're all friends here."
  33. >"Most of the time," Eris corrects.
  34. "Most of the time," you confirm.
  35. >You clear your throat to deliver an impromptu speech.
  36. "We're all here for a common purpose - we all desire Anonymous."
  37. >The three of you spare a moment to look at the large framed painting of your mutual flame hanging over the fireplace and sigh lovingly. You love how the artist captured Anonymous' natural look of unwashed terror whenever he ran into any of you.
  38. "I strongly believe that a stallion's place is at the home, raising children and tending to the household. For this reason, I want Anonymous. Eris, you love him so much you're willing to brutalise anyone that gets between you both. Fluttershy..." you and Eris look at her quizzically. "What -do- you want, Fluttershy?"
  39. >"Oh, um," Fluttershy fumbles with her hooves, "I-I just really want to bounce on his lap. With or without his consent, I'm not picky."
  40. "Right. So generally, we're all in agreement that Anonymous is the light of our lives and we only want what's best for him. I want him at home where I can protect him and have his babies. Eris, you want him to never leave your sight and if he leaves you'll kill him and then yourself. And Fluttershy, you're just... -really- horny, all the time." Fluttershy nods sagely. "That all being said, we do tend to trip over one-another, so I think if we work together, we can reach an agreement where we all get what we want."
  41. >"Question," Eris raises her hand.
  42. "Yes?"
  43. >"Why don't I just kill both of you and take Anon for myself?"
  44. "Because I have the Elements of Harmony on my side and we'll turn you back into stone."
  45. >"So?"
  46. "And when you get out of prison again Anonymous will have long-since died."
  47. >"Oh, good point," she concedes.
  48. >"I might have a solution to that--" a timid voice ventures.
  49. "We're not desecrating the dead, Fluttershy."
  50. >"Sorry..."
  51. >"So when we get Anon," Eris says, "how are we going to share him?"
  52. "Well, I was thinking that, having the largest thread, I could have him live with me in the castle, and the two of you could visit him on occasion?"
  53. >"What?" Eris narrows her eyes, "That's ridiculous, Yandere is far larger than Reversed Gender Roles."
  54. "Aha, Eris, dear, we have more recurring users. Right now, my thread is at three-hundred posts and seventy-five users, whereas Yandere is at four-hundred and still in the high sixties. I think my thread is more popular."
  55. >"Why should that matter? My threads are more active and produce way more artwork than Reversed--"
  56. "That's -highly- debatable, my threads have a large archive of creative works both greentext and artistic alike--"
  57. >"All your threads ever do is complain about the purity of the content! At least my thread can all agree on what is and isn't Yandere."
  58. "The pathetic bleating of a few bad apples isn't enough to sour the bushel, Eris. My thread is larger and produces more content, therefore -we- get to have the lion's share of Anon. There's no need to get upset, I'll let you visit him three times a week."
  59. >"How about I just turn your pretty little castle upside down and inside out, hm? Maybe that'd suit your fancy, -your highness-?"
  60. "And now you're being petty-- see, this is exactly why Anonymous needs a strong, capable, MATURE mare to look after him. Not some mentally ill pervert that just wants him for his body."
  61. >Eris is about to retort, but pauses and scratches her head.
  62. >"...So are you referring to me, or Fluttershy?"
  63. >You purse your lips and glance at the pegasus.
  64. >She's sat watching you both, shaking her head in condescension.
  65. "Something on your mind, Fluttershy?" You cock your eyebrow.
  66. >"Oh, this thread is larger, -that- thread is more active," she sneers. "You two need a reality check, my thread is the -oldest-. We had Anon first! My threads predate the very existence of the board! We were sampling that hot monkey dock before you two were even conceived! Heck, I'd go as far as to say that my thread is the reason both of yours even exist!"
  67. "Oh keep deluding yourself all you want. You're old news, grandma, Anon needs a thread that doesn't have cobwebs all around its vagina and doesn't smell like a crypt."
  68. >"I do -not- smell like a crypt! And my cobwebs are cleaned regularly, thank you very much!"
  69. >You roll your eyes and look back to Eris.
  70. "The human stays with me. Visiting hours thrice weekly. No more arguments."
  71. >"My HUSBAND stays with me," she counters, "and if you try to take him by force I'll glass this entire planet and then kill myself."
  72. "And she says she isn't mentally ill..."
  73. >"First of all, Celery, I never said I wasn't. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every second of it."
  74. "Wow. That's the best quote I ever heard on a school-filly's social media page. Give me a break, Anon deserves a stability that only I can give him."
  75. >"Not on my watch you're not," Eris snaps her claws and the room fills with giant black metal balls with skulls on them.
  76. "What are--"
  77. >"Novelty cartoon bombs. One more snap of my fingers and this entire castle goes nuclear and takes all of us with it."
  78. "What will that -possibly- solve...?"
  79. >"For one it'll wipe that smug smirk off your dumb horse lips, and for two it'll..."
  80. >She trails off and scrunches up her face, having lost her train of thought.
  81. >"It'll... oh come on I just had it..."
  82. >Eris thinks to herself for a second longer and finally grins.
  83. >"Got it!--" she says, snapping her fingers. She then realises what she did. "Oh fu--"
  84.  
  85. >Amidst the smouldering wreckage of the palace, a bloodied pegasus skeleton dripping with charred gore and dust staggers out from under a pile of rubble.
  86. >She looks back at the obliterated remnants of the once beautiful structure and shakes her head.
  87. "Typical. Youngsters these days have no respect for their elders."
  88. >With that, she staggers limply off into the sunset.
  89. "Flutterrape lives to fight another day."
  90.  
  91. >Her disgusting skeletal appearance wasn't Anon's fetish either, unfortunately.
  92.  
  93. ---
  94.  
  95. "Derpy: legitimately incompetent or just pretending?"
  96. - Anonymous
  97.  
  98. >"And then, and then I took the whole box anyway! I know I wasn't supposed to, but they were just so good!"
  99. >The grey mare before you giggles madly to herself, as you smile patiently.
  100. >Pinkie Pie, stood to your side, laughs along with her.
  101. >"Oh Derpy! You -know- you're not supposed to eat that many oatmeal cookies, are you crazy?!"
  102. >Derpy shrugs, "Well, what can I say, that's me!"
  103. >Pinkie laughs further, as does everyone else in the room.
  104. >A small gathering of about a dozen ponies had assembled for Derpy's birthday party, and at Pinkie's insistence you had been dragged along.
  105. >Pinkie's eyes dart to the clock on the wall and she yelps suddenly.
  106. >"Yikes! I've got places to be!" She smiles sympathetically at the mailmare. "I'm super sorry, Derpy, but I gotta get outta here, there's a thing on at Twilight's, something about an evil wizard, gotta go!"
  107. >In a pink rush, she's gone.
  108. >The other guests at the party gradually remark on the time as well and make their own polite excuses to leave.
  109. >Derpy hastily meanders around the room, eagerly thanking them for coming and wishing them well. On occasion she bumps into something and clumsily apologises for knocking it over, which produces more warm laughs.
  110. >She hugs a final mare, and waves as she leaves.
  111. >Then turns around to find you, the final guest, lumbering over to the door.
  112. >You pause by her just before you depart.
  113. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Derpy, I'll head off as well; thanks for the invitation, even if it was a bit random."
  114. >She laughs airily.
  115. >"It wasn't random! I've wanted to meet you for a really long time!"
  116. "And now you have," you remark as good-naturedly as you can, "still, I must be off."
  117. >"Ohh, can't you can stay a little longer? I need to show you my favourite party trick!"
  118. "I doubt anything can beat the trip-up-and-drop-the-cake-on-the-floor gag you pulled earlier."
  119. >"Ha ha," she laughs deliberately, "it's better than that!"
  120. >You raise an eyebrow. Something was off about that.
  121. >The pegasus slowly but firmly closes the door beside you both, then looks to you and smiles.
  122. >"It's a really, really great party trick."
  123. "And... what might that be?"
  124. >"I think you'll enjoy it." Her voice has lost its floaty, giggling quality.
  125. >Her eyes, which had up until now been adrift from one-another, lock onto you and stay there, unwavering.
  126. >"Might hurt to begin with, but you'll learn to love it."
  127. >You gingerly move back a bit, muscles tensing.
  128. >Derpy moves with you, her movements certain.
  129. >"Funny story, you know..."
  130. "...What is?"
  131. >"I'm not actually cross-eyed."
  132. "Oh?"
  133. >Her wings unfurl and she floats up, draping her hooves over your shoulders and moving her face a breath away from yours.
  134. >"But I'm gonna ride you so hard I will be."
  135.  
  136. ---
  137.  
  138. "Pom Lamb could not only beat Fluttershy stupid, she could also guess your fetish in a cute irish accent and only faint twice from being gouged by human cock!"
  139. - Anonymous, regarding Pom from the game Them's Fighting Herds.
  140.  
  141. >You are tied up in a corner, upset that your evening of watching paint dry and eating cardboard for dinner was so rudely interrupted.
  142. >The pink fluffball before you gloats about how she's going to make a man out of you, intermittently saying "baa" as she does.
  143. >Just before she make good on her promise, your door is blown off its hinges.
  144. >After a few moments of silence, you hear a voice say "S-sorry, that was too rough..."
  145. >Fluttershy steps through the door and locks eyes with your would-be abuser.
  146. >"Pom." It's a statement, not an enquiry.
  147. >"Fluttershy," the fluff responds with a smirk. "I'm afraid your little boy-toy is mine for the evening, and perhaps the next evening as well. Maybe every evening if I like him enough."
  148. >Fluttershy sharply exhales through her nose, a grim smirk stretching across her face.
  149. >"So it's come to this, has it? Guess that deal about us staying off each other's turfs was a load of hot air? Maybe I'll give -your- world a visit later and see if I can snag myself a few cute little puppies. Perhaps I'll take the ones that follow you around. Or maybe that cute older brother of yours instead?"
  150. >The pink fluff scowls.
  151. >"Them's fighting words, Fluttershy."
  152. >"No. Them's Fighting -Herds-™."
  153. >All three of you look at the camera for a second.
  154. >"Well enough of this!" Fluttershy growls, "Time to show you who's the queen bee around here," she takes a step forward, "Pom!"
  155. >Pom's smile becomes malevolent.
  156. >"Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away you're coming right at me?"
  157. >"I can't beat the hay out of you without getting closer."
  158. >"Oh ho! Then come as close as you like!"
  159. "Just before you guys wreck my house in an epic duel of the fates, can I please use the bathroom?"
  160. >They don't let you.
  161. >So you have to watch them rip apart your living room and monologue at each other with your legs tightly crossed.
  162. >At least the combat is fluid and easy to interpret, so it's not the worst fight you've ever seen.
  163.  
  164. ---
  165.  
  166. "Please don’t roleplay with me. I’m too old and it’s creepy"
  167. - Anonymous, in response to a guy trying to do vampire roleplay with him. Poor form, RoleplayAnon, we don't do that nonsense around here.
  168.  
  169. >You're tied to your bed. Again.
  170. >It's been happening a lot lately, but there doesn't seem to be much you can do about it.
  171. >Have you changed your locks? Sure, but she's friends with the local key-master and he keeps unwittingly making her copies of your house keys for free.
  172. >Stronger windows? She just brings a heavier bat.
  173. >Change your sleeping schedule? You're fairly sure she's got an agreement going with Princess Luna where Dear Leader sends her a note informing Shy when you've drifted off.
  174. >Booby traps? Admittedly, those have worked a few times; unfortunately, she has the capacity for lateral thinking and object permanence, which was a shock to you given that she's displayed a remarkable lack of common sense since you've known her. As such, she has learnt to both expect and avoid anything you lay out for her.
  175. >In retrospect, you got probably got lucky with her falling for the garden-rake-to-the-face trick.
  176. >Seven times in a row.
  177. >Alas, despite your efforts, you once more wake up to find yourself strapped against your bed, waiting for the inevitable.
  178. >"Ooh Aahno-on~!"
  179. >Fluttershy saunters seductively from your en suite, just out of your field of view.
  180. "Can we make this one quick? I have work in the morning."
  181. >"I'll take as long as I want, mister. Besides, something tells me we'll be doing this one for a while."
  182. "Tell Something he's wrong, then."
  183. >She titters and finally comes into view.
  184. >...
  185. "What on God's green Earth are you wearing."
  186. >"Ta-dah! I'm a vampire!"
  187. "You look like a child-molester."
  188. >"Hey! This cape took me a long time to make." She gives it a swish. "I think it looks cool!"
  189. "You're the antithesis of cool, Fluttershy."
  190. >"Aww, thank you! You're the Auntie Theseus of being -handsome-, snuggle-bear!"
  191. "...Do you -not- know what antithesis m--"
  192. >"Let's get started!" She hops up onto your chest, beaming at you from on-high.
  193. >The mare leans down, baring her now apparently sharp teeth.
  194. "Watch where you put those things, lady, or you're liable for a lawsuit."
  195. >"That's fine, I don't wear suits very often."
  196. >Your nose wrinkles.
  197. >"So," Fluttershy smirks, "you so foolishly came into my lair, did you?"
  198. "...What?"
  199. >"Ha ha haaa!" She puts as much force into her fake-laugh as she can, "Fool! The den of the vampire is no place for a mere fool mortal, even one as -handsome- as you~"
  200. "...What are you doing."
  201. >"Perhaps I shall sample the pitiful foolish mortal, and taste his foolish blood!"
  202. "Okay you're saying foolish a -lot- and I'm not understanding what we're doing here."
  203. >She ignores you, leaning down to prick your neck with her fangs.
  204. >You yelp, feeling that area of skin suddenly become very warm, followed by the prodding of a wet tongue.
  205. "Wh-- Did you seriously just -bite- me?!"
  206. >"Ooh, the foolish mortal tastes so foolishly delicious! I wonder what else tastes good."
  207. >Ignoring your deeply unsettled expression, she moves down your body, sliding the waistband of your pants down with a giggle.
  208. "Hey-- Hey! You stay the hell away from there! Fluttershy if you lay a fang on me down there I'll beat you to within an inch of your life!"
  209. >"Aww, does the foolish mor--"
  210. "Stop saying 'fool'!"
  211. >"S-sorry, too far?"
  212. "All of this is too far!"
  213. >She pouts, winks, then proceeds to liberate you of your pants regardless, cooing at the sight of your unprotected and very vulnerable family jewels.
  214. >"You can't beat me to within any inches of life; I'm a vampire, I'm already dead." She licks her lips, "My, I can sense such vigorous life-energy coming from you! To sate my vampiric thirst, I simply -must- have it!"
  215. >She isn't fazed as you attempt to thrash your limbs around. She's gotten very proficient at tying knots since you've both started doing this cat-and-mouse thing together.
  216. >"Struggle all you want foo-- um, idiot! It won't stop the inevitable!"
  217. "Idiot isn't much better."
  218. >"Oh, okay..."
  219. >She taps her chin.
  220. >"Struggle all you want, retard."
  221. >You do a double-take. Her hot breath on tender bare skin, focuses your mind however, and you go back to wracking your brains for how you can get out of this mess.
  222. >Suddenly, an idea flashes into your mind.
  223. >Of course! It was so obvious!
  224. "Hey, Count Flutula."
  225. >"A-actually I was hoping my name could be Ebony Ravenmore."
  226. "...Jesus Chr-- Hey, Ebony Ravenmore!"
  227. >"What is it, retard?"
  228. "The power of Celestia compels you!"
  229. >She blinks.
  230. >...
  231. "You're a vampire, Fluttershy."
  232. >"Oh! Right!"
  233. "The power of Celestia compels you!"
  234. >"Arg!" She jumps off the bed and hisses at you, "You can't defeat me with that!"
  235. "The power of Cele-- you get the picture, get out of my god-damn house."
  236. >"O-okay... Same time next week?"
  237. "Do I have a choice?"
  238. >"Nope!"
  239. >With that, she leaves you tied to your bed with your pants down, the mare retreating through your en suite window and leaving it open, which will basically waste all the central heating you had going.
  240. >You realise how old you must be getting that you care more about the heating bill than your current predicament.
  241. >Still, at least you can get some sleep now.
  242. >With that, you yawn and try to get comfortable; you'll worry about the bindings tomor--
  243. >A brilliant flash of light stuns you momentarily, eliciting more than a few curses.
  244. >"I came as fast as I could!"
  245. >Your vision returns. You blink.
  246. >Princess Celestia blinks back at you.
  247. >She takes in your current situation, but her expression doesn't change.
  248. "Uh, hi."
  249. >"...Hello."
  250. >She slowly smiles.
  251. >"Not the most audacious proposal I've ever had, but I'll certainly not denounce the effort."
  252. "Are you going to set me free?"
  253. >She laughs.
  254. >Laughs as she steps onto the bed.
  255. >Laughs as she straddles you.
  256. >Laughs as her considerable weight rests against you, her shockingly warm body making up for the lack of heating in the room.
  257. >"No."
  258. "Damn."
  259.  
  260. ---
  261.  
  262. "That's Lily Lace, and maybe, if it were Sassy she definitely could."
  263. - Anonymous, implying that Sassy Saddles could beat Fluttershy in a fight.
  264.  
  265. >"So really it was cashmere that won out in the end, though I will always be fond of velvet," the mare crows.
  266. "I'm glad you put so much thought into the material you were going to use to tie me up before you molested me."
  267. >"Of course! I'm a professional, Anonymous, not some two-bit mongrel that isn't prepared to put in the effort for her man."
  268. "I don't even know who you are. You strike me as the sort of character that only shows up for like three episodes then gets forgotten about by the writers."
  269. >Before she can respond, your door is blown off its hinges.
  270. >You sigh wearily, and a small voice reaches out through the quiet, "Sorry Anon, I broke your door again."
  271. "That's twice now, Fluttershy, I'm not impressed!" you call.
  272. >She steps through the doorway, avoiding looking at the mess she'd made of the frame, and addresses your latest assailant with a scowl.
  273. >"Sassy Saddles," the pegasus hotly states.
  274. "Oh, so that's her name."
  275. >"Fluttershy! It's so wonderful to see you again!" Sassy coos. She prances over and kisses Fluttershy once on each cheek, much to the smaller mare's distaste. "So! How have you been? How's business?"
  276. >"I, um, I don't own a business?"
  277. >"Oh! Yes, that's right, I do apologise." Sassy smiles at Fluttershy, "I forgot you were a loser."
  278. "Oof, burn."
  279. >Fluttershy glares at the unicorn as she continues.
  280. >"Not too surprising though, you lack the -drive- to really make something of yourself. Are you still prancing around Ponyville as though you own the place? Some of us prefer to move up in the world rather than stagnating in our old stomping grounds."
  281. "I think I preferred the sheep from before," you think back to how nice and soft Pom was as you were carrying her comatose body to the hospital following the Monday melee.
  282. >Fluttershy jabs Sassy in the chest with a hoof. "This is -my- human. Go get your own, Sassy. Don't make me stain your dresses, because I will."
  283. >Sassy laughs mirthlessly, "I don't think I have anything to worry about from you, Fluttershy. You're a washed-up has-been. You used to claim anyone you saw! Now you just linger around chasing the same man!"
  284. >"I wouldn't expect you to know anything about love, Sassy. You hurt the people you love, I don't."
  285. "I mean you kinda do--"
  286. >"Shut up, Anon."
  287. "Sorry."
  288. >"I know -plenty- about love, Fluttershy." Sassy retorts. "Love is intense, and requires dedication. Sometimes, when one party isn't putting in a hundred-percent, they might need some forceful coercion to remind them of their commitments. I'm sure it won't take me long to break Anon in." She gives you a devilish grin over her shoulder.
  289. "I'm getting bad vibes from this one, Fluttershy. Needle-through-condom vibes."
  290. >"Listen to me you tactless hussy," Fluttershy begins as Sassy regards the smaller pony, bemused, "I'm going to give you ten seconds to get out of here before I pull those fake eyelashes off and shove your saddle up your butt!"
  291. "There's no way that saddle will fit up that butt, Fluttershy, it's tiny - be realistic."
  292. >"Ah ah ah," Sassy interjects, "I'm a -lot- more limber than I look, darling."
  293. "Gross."
  294. >"Now," the unicorn straightens up and looks back to Fluttershy, "I believe I was about to take you down a peg--"
  295. >Fluttershy socks her in the jaw.
  296.  
  297. >You drop Sassy's limp body onto the hospital trolley, and the doctors rush her away into the emergency ward.
  298. >Dust your hands off and put them on your hips, then look down at Fluttershy.
  299. >Her mane is a bit out of place, but otherwise she looks no worse for wear.
  300. >She looks up at you with an unamused expression.
  301. "You know, you really do scare the shit out of me, Fluttershy."
  302. >"Just be glad I'm on your side."
  303. "Are you though? Are you really?"
  304. >"If I wasn't, I'd have broken a lot more than just your doors by this point."
  305. "Should I, like, file a restraining order against you?"
  306. >"Oh, Anon."
  307. >She places a hoof against your thigh and smiles sweetly.
  308. >"If locks and chains aren't enough to keep me from you, what good is the law? You'll always be mine, and no interdimensional sheep or tacky skank from Canterlot will ever change that."
  309.  
  310. ---
  311.  
  312. "Aw, she's not rapey. Just kind of insistent."
  313. - Anonymous, regarding Pinkie Pie.
  314.  
  315. >"Anon, I'm really worried that Pinkie's getting a bit too... you know."
  316. "What?"
  317. >"Ugh, come on, don't make me spell it out."
  318. "I'm lost, Dash, throw me a bone."
  319. >"You know, touchy-feely?"
  320. "What makes you say that?"
  321. >"I dunno, she's just been sorta clingy lately, you know? Always spending time with you, dragging you off to places where you can be alone, hospitalising Twilight because she hugged you for too long. That sort of stuff."
  322. "Nah, Pinkie's always been like that, I think."
  323. >"I've known her for longer than you, Anon; she's never been this rough."
  324. "Rough? Well, sure, her putting Twi in a neck-lock until she passed out was a bit 'out there', even for her, but it's all in good fun."
  325. >"Are you sure? She's been going to your house a -lot-, usually when you're getting into bed."
  326. "She just likes to have a bedmate. She gets nightmares, Dash, you know that."
  327. >"I know, but according to her they're all about you saying you don't like her. I kinda feel like it's driven her a bit loco."
  328. "I think you're reaching, you sure this isn't about something else?"
  329. >"What do you mean?"
  330. "Well, Pinkie's not the only pony that's been trying to get close to me, is she, Rainbow Dash?"
  331. >"Aww come on... yeah, I really like hanging out with you, but we're like, partners in crime! You're my number-two!"
  332. "I thought that was Scootaloo."
  333. >"Yeah, but then she started going to therapy and stopped projecting her fear of being alone and not having an adult-figure provide her with validation onto me, so she hangs out a lot less these days."
  334. "That's a shame. But you're still being just as clingy as Pinkie allegedly is."
  335. >"Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have brought this up..."
  336. "Look, Dash, it's fine. I get that you both want to hang out, and sure, Pinkie is a bit more pro-active, but I still like you both."
  337. >"I get that, but I just think she's taking it too far."
  338. "I don't know about that-- hey, Pinkie?"
  339. >Pinkie finishes tying the seventeenth knot in the mass of rope bindings she had been coiling around you, then smiles innocently.
  340. >"Yes, Nonny-wonny?"
  341. "What do you think, are you being too clingy?"
  342. >She muses as she ties her mane back with a band before crawling onto your lap and grinding her crotch against yours through your pants. "I don't think so?"
  343. >"Really?" Dash says, exasperated, from her position on the coffee table next to you, also held down with rope but positioned in a way that her hind legs are standing off the table and spread to provide easy access to her holes. "It's no good asking her, Anon, of course she'll say no!"
  344. >"Quiet, Dashie," Pinkie chides, "once I'm done with Anon I'll be getting my strap-on again to straighten you back out."
  345. >"Aw man..." the pegasus deflates, "I -hate- the strap-on..."
  346.  
  347. ---
  348.  
  349. "SJWs destroy everything they are permitted to touch. No exceptions."
  350. - Anonymous, trying to bring politics into an autistic greentext writing thread.
  351.  
  352. >"I'm just saying, if you let me rim you for thirty seconds you might find you like it, just give it a shot?"
  353. "How have we gotten to the point where you ask me stuff like this and I don't even feel revulsion anymore? How did we get here, Fluttershy?"
  354. >"Years of not giving up on my part, but I also think you're starting to warm up to the idea of being with me? You're a lot more comfortable these days than you used to be."
  355. "Sure, but that's only because you've become predictable. I know to expect the foul and depraved when it comes to you, so when you slip in through my back door then ask to lick my butt I can't really act as disgusted as I used to."
  356. >"We're like an old married couple, aren't we?"
  357. "I'd say that married couples aren't supposed to contain this sort of one-sided animosity, but honestly, yeah, that's kind of how it is a lot of the time."
  358. >"We're husband and wife in all but ceremony."
  359. "If that's really the case, then I want to take a moment to pay my respects to The Honeymooners; now hold still whilst I beat the hell out of you--"
  360. >A loud bang and a torrent of multicoloured smoke erupts abruptly in the centre of your living room, prompting Fluttershy to scream and leap into your arms.
  361. >You clutch her trembling body, the mare's forelegs locked around your neck and teeth chattering.
  362. >A pall of dread falls over you as you feel an ominous tingling all over your skin.
  363. >You smell fresh produce and crisp bank notes; it unsettles you.
  364. >Narrow your eyes as the smoke clears, revealing a bipedal form.
  365. >Fluttershy whispers in your ear.
  366. >"W-what -is- that, Anon?"
  367. "It can't be..."
  368. >The haze has deposited a short, curly-haired man into your house.
  369. >Adorned in a flowing white robe covered in bright depictions of vegetables - tomatoes, cucumbers, and cabbages to name a few - as well as wearing an equally-nutritious skull-cap with a scarf draped around his shoulders, the man stretches his arms to the side, torrents of magical power coursing through him. He grins at you, eyes gleaming.
  370. >"Shalom! I have come to cleanse this world of all life! Imma make the Holocaust look like a Bat Mitzvah!"
  371. "My God. I never thought they'd find me."
  372. >"What is it, Anon?"
  373. "Salad Jew Wizards. Run, Fluttershy. Get as far away from here as you can! If I don't make it, I... I always loved you."
  374. >"Oh Anon!" She says, tears in her eyes, "I love you too!"
  375. "G-go! Get to safety! I don't know how long I'll be able to keep him at bay!"
  376. >She sobs as she flees the scene, your house imploding behind her in a barrage of spells, explosions, and upbeat, whimsical woodwind music with a quick tempo.
  377.  
  378. >Princess Luna watches all this from afar with an expression of deep concern.
  379. >"The human Anonymous certainly has the strangest dreams..."
  380.  
  381. ---
  382.  
  383. Anonymous posted an old TheWeaver image of Rarity sat on Anon saying "I'm done with playful innuendo".
  384.  
  385. >"Perhaps you and I could take this somewhere... private," Rarity bats her eyelashes at you with a coquettish smile.
  386. >You frown and turn on the spot, taking in the silent atmosphere of the boutique.
  387. "It's already pretty quiet, Rarity, I don't think we can get more private than this."
  388. >"Ah, but there are windows around, no? We don't want anyone peeking in on us."
  389. "Why? Don't you want people to know that you're available? It's only eleven o'clock, surely you're not wanting to close up shop already?"
  390. >"I... yes, the shop will remain open for the rest of the day, but I think we might be able to abscond for ten or twenty minutes?"
  391. "Oh, I see, so you just want to take a break."
  392. >"Of a sort, yes."
  393. "Sure," you say with a shrug, "lead the way."
  394. >Rarity prances to the stairs leading up to the living space of the building, her tail fluidly drifting to and fro.
  395. >You ignore this and plod up after her, eyes staring down at the pony-oriented steps so that you don't miss any and break your nose.
  396. >Once ascended, you find yourself in her bedroom.
  397. "Alright, so are you having an early lunch up here? You sure you want me around? I can come back later if you'd like."
  398. >"Oh no, darling," she purrs, "I think a snack like you is just what I need."
  399. "...I'm not a snack though, I'm a man. Can ponies even eat meat?"
  400. >"Uh, w-well no, I'm not... Alright, how about this then." She straightens up and looks you in the eye with all the confidence of a businessmare. "Anonymous, I would like to proposition you for sex."
  401. >You nod slowly, thinking about it, and answer her as boldly as you can.
  402. "But why."
  403. >"Because... well because, dear."
  404. "I didn't think you were into me."
  405. >"Evidently - I have been throwing signals at you all month."
  406. "But ponies and humans can't reproduce, and we're not even married!"
  407. >"You can have sex without wanting children or being married, Anon."
  408. >You gasp.
  409. "But... that's illegal!"
  410. >Rarity silently prays to Luna for strength before continuing.
  411. >"Aha, very funny, Anonymous, now take off your pants and get inside me."
  412. "Inside-- do you want -me- to be your baby?! Rarity, this is getting horribly out of control and I fear for the sanctity of our friendship."
  413. >She stomps a hoof in frustration.
  414. >"Will you -please- just come to bed and fu--"
  415. >Her bedroom door explodes open; something of a common theme here in Ponyville.
  416. >"Freeze! Get down on the ground!"
  417. >You leap back, pointing a finger at Rarity fearfully as three uniformed stallions and a mare rush into the room.
  418. "It wasn't me, officers! It was her!"
  419. >The group wrestle Rarity to the ground, using far more force than is necessary and eliciting terrified wailing from the seamstress.
  420. >One of the stallions currently kneeling on her back bellows in her ear.
  421. >"Horny Police! You have the right to remain chaste!"
  422. >"No!" Rarity shouts, "I'm not going back to Horny Jail! I just got out! You can't send me back!"
  423. >"You were on parole, Miss Belle, you knew the conditions!"
  424. >Ignoring the thrashing pile, the policemare trots over to you and pats your leg sympathetically as you watch the struggling officers drag the screaming mare from the room.
  425. >"Don't worry, son. She's going away for a long time now."
  426. "She nearly got me, officer. If you hadn't come when you did..."
  427. >The officer sighs wearily.
  428. >"It's a mad, mad world out there, son. Too much horny and not enough happy. But keep a cool head and you'll make it."
  429. >She tips her hat at you, "We'll be on our way now, sir. Have a good day."
  430.  
  431. ---
  432.  
  433. Anons were discussing Eris, Noodle of Chaos and Patron Saint of /Yandere/.
  434.  
  435. >Your window slides open.
  436. >You glance over at it, an eyebrow cocked.
  437. >Fluttershy climbs in gracelessly, hooves flailing a bit as she drags her body over the frame to land in an undignified heap on the floor.
  438. >You don't make any attempt to move from your place on the sofa to stop her; it's Friday night and you can't be bothered doing anything other than lying there.
  439. >She likely knows this, and after politely closing your window again she trots over and clambers onto the sofa in front of you, sandwiching you between the back of the seat and the pony, forcing you into being the big spoon.
  440. >The pony finishes by taking your arm and draping it over her. You still aren't motivated enough to do anything about it.
  441. >After a second or so of silence, you shrug and look back at the TV, which is currently playing a scary movie about two young foals saying a bad word and getting sentenced to detention, as that is apparently what passes for "horror" in Equestria.
  442. >A moment later, Fluttershy speaks, her eyes not leaving the screen as she does.
  443. >"So, um, your window was unlocked."
  444. "Yeah, I saw," you say, also not looking away from the TV.
  445. >"Forget again?"
  446. "Probably. I've admittedly given up trying to stop you from getting inside since if you can't find an entrance you usually make one."
  447. >"Sorry."
  448. "You're not."
  449. >"No, I'm not."
  450. >She hums softly, enjoying the warmth of your body pressed against her. To be honest, it's not entirely uncomfortable. She moves her hips a bit, and her tail dock rubs against your crotch.
  451. >You focus on the movie and try your best to ignore her usual tricks.
  452. "So what's up."
  453. >"Well, it's Friday, and I figured you'd want to hang out."
  454. "You figured, or you asserted?"
  455. >"The latter."
  456. "Figured."
  457. >One of the foals on-screen wails about the injustice of being kept behind for thirty minutes whilst his other friends get to go out and play as a harrowing string section screeches in the background.
  458. >"So I had a really weird conversation today and I wanted to talk about it."
  459. "There we are, I knew there was something."
  460. >"Sorry, but I need to bring it up since it might affect our relationship going forwards."
  461. "How long has your delusion of love between us been going on now?"
  462. >"Two months, in a couple of days it'll be our three-month anniversary."
  463. "Cute."
  464. >"I like to think so. But anyway, it's about Discord."
  465. "Has he told you how crazy you are?"
  466. >"No, but he got an idea in his head and I wanted to warn you in advance because it's gonna get really weird and not in a good way."
  467. "Go on?"
  468. >"He thinks he could out-play me by seducing you himself."
  469. "That's insane."
  470. >"I told him that. I said that our love is unbreakable and that you'd never even think about another mare."
  471. "Just to push the envelope, I'm gonna say that I'm thinking about Applejack right now."
  472. >"No you're not."
  473. "I am."
  474. >"Anon."
  475. "Those child-birthing hips and freckles do things to me that you could never hope to."
  476. >"Hey!" She jerks an elbow back into your ribs.
  477. "Oh lord save me from the farm-bound seductress up the road."
  478. >"Applejack's not -that- attractive."
  479. "She's got natural beauty."
  480. >"So do I. Rarity says so, anyway."
  481. "Yeah but AJ has the advantage of not being a basket case."
  482. >"I thought guys liked sticking their thingy in crazy."
  483. "The universal rule is literally the exact opposite of that."
  484. >"Oh. Well that means I have nothing to worry about regarding Discord then."
  485. "Oh yeah, about that, so what's his plan?"
  486. >"First of all we'll need to stop calling him 'Discord'."
  487. "Explain."
  488. >"He wants... o-oh..."
  489. >She shudders, and forces herself back against you even harder.
  490. "You alright?"
  491. >"Sorry, I just remembered I'm cuddled up with you on the sofa and I'm getting kinda wet."
  492. "Oh come on man, not on the fabric again, I just cleaned it."
  493. >She swallows and releases a trembling breath.
  494. >"I'm going to ride you so hard after this movie finishes."
  495. "At least you're giving the courtesy of both an early warning, and letting me actually finish watching the movie this time. So anyway, Discord."
  496. >"Right, sorry-- wait, no, just a second."
  497. >She rolls over to face you and steals a quick, sloppy kiss, then rolls over to watch the screen again.
  498. "Gross," you clean your mouth with a hand and wipe it on Fluttershy's mane.
  499. >"You love it. So anyway, Discord. Yes, we need to call her Eris now."
  500. "What? He's a lady now?"
  501. >"Yup. Apparently that's just a thing he-- uh, -she- can do. It's not that much of a stretch, I mean it -is- Discord. Well, Eris now, but still."
  502. "Huh. Is she hot?"
  503. >"What?"
  504. "Eris. Is she hot?"
  505. >"How am I supposed to know? He's a-- SHE'S a draconequus, I don't think there are enough parallels between ponies and draconequui for me to find attractive. There's not even symmetry."
  506. "To be fair, I don't have anything in common with ponies either but you still find me attractive."
  507. >"That's because I fell in love with your charming mannerisms and loveable personality."
  508. "..."
  509. >"..."
  510. "So basically you just saw my dick one time--"
  511. >"It's the only one I've ever seen and the only one I ever want to see."
  512. "Thought so. God you're sheltered."
  513. >"That just means I'm inexperienced. Hint hint."
  514. "So anyway, your friend genderbent himself."
  515. >"Yes, he did. So um, expect that to become a thing really soon."
  516. "Any tips?"
  517. >"Don't fall in love with her or I'll break your kneecaps."
  518. "That's a bit excessive, even for you."
  519. >"Up until now I've been going easy on you, and I've had a nice time of it since I'm the only mare in town that loves you. If I thought there was any actual competition I'd feel inclined to take extreme measures in order to make up for my crippling self-confidence issues. The idea that another mare could walk into my life and take you away scares me so much I sometimes just start crying when I'm out doing things like shopping. I cry a lot."
  520. "You've got issues, Shy. Serious, serious issues."
  521. >"Yeah, well, no one's perfect."
  522. "No one's perfect, but most people are at least stable enough to handle the idea of competing for someone's affection."
  523. >"But then--"
  524. >Fluttershy disappears.
  525. >One moment she's snuggling against you making yet another stain on the sofa, the next she's gone in a white flash.
  526. >You lazily turn away from the TV to look at the other end of the sofa.
  527. >A slimmer, more feminine version of Discord is coiled up, bouncing her trimmed eyebrows at you suggestively.
  528. "So is this where things get weird?"
  529. >"This is where things get -super- weird, yes," she responds matter-of-factly.
  530. "Can we at least finish watching the movie first? Fluttershy was prepared to let me do that and honestly I kind of miss her because of it."
  531. >"Aha, no, we can't."
  532. "I hate you already."
  533. >"Oh good, because I'm an angry, jealous lover."
  534. "Before we start, is this gay?"
  535. >"Why would it be gay?"
  536. "Because you used to be a man and..."
  537. >Eris' brow creases, and she shakes her head slowly.
  538. >You find yourself shaking your own along with her.
  539. "Yeah better not--"
  540. >"Really strange territory there, best not bring it up--"
  541. "Real can of worms and I just don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it right now."
  542. >"Ready?"
  543. "Never."
  544. >"Good."
  545. >The TV and all the lights switch off with a snap and you feel the considerable weight of a transgender chaos noodle tackling you in the dark.
  546.  
  547. ---
  548.  
  549. "It's like the christmas armistice of ww1, for a day Anon and Fluttershy just hang out with one another, talk and be genuine."
  550. - Anonymous
  551.  
  552. >"...Do you think it'll get better?"
  553. >Five minutes.
  554. >Snowflakes drift from on high, dusting the park and the mare beside you.
  555. >Thankfully, you wear a thick lined coat that keeps out the cold, but even though she wears a scarf and hat she still shivers.
  556. >You drape an arm around her shoulders and pull her close, shielding her somewhat from the white.
  557. >She sighs, faint fog breaching her lips as she melts into you.
  558. >The scene is quiet. Ponyville has retired for the night, leaving only you and Fluttershy on a bench beholding the silent wonderland.
  559. "Probably. The Mayor will sort it out, but whether or not it'll fix things in the long run remains to be seen."
  560. >She nods, and the final topic of conversation comes to a close, leaving you both empty of words.
  561. >You check your watch again after a time.
  562. >Three minutes.
  563. >Fluttershy spies the timepiece as well, and nuzzles against you a bit more. You squeeze her reassuringly.
  564. >"Not long now. It was such a magical day."
  565. "Should be the same everyday."
  566. >"We know that can't happen, Anon."
  567. >You sigh, resting your head to one side against the top of hers.
  568. >She hums contentedly, enjoying your touch and your company.
  569. >A hoof finds your hand, and your fingers curl tightly around it, your thumb rubbing against her chilled fur.
  570. >With your free hand you check the time again.
  571. >One minute.
  572. "A part of me wonders about what could have been."
  573. >"Mm?"
  574. "If things weren't like this. I think I might be able to..."
  575. >"To what?" she whispers.
  576. "To love you."
  577. >"Oh Anon, don't..." her tone is pained.
  578. >Your watch beeps, and midnight passes into the next day.
  579. >Fluttershy rigidly sits up and slides off the bench, leaving your side cold. You miss her presence already, but you know it's useless pining for it now.
  580. >She gives you a morose look, and for a minute the two of you simply watch one another. You see her eyes wandering over you, the mare torn between decisions. Eventually, she grimaces, and swallows the lump in her throat.
  581. >"Are moonlit encounters on a bench in winter your fetish, Anon?"
  582. >You look despairingly at her, trying to find your words.
  583. >She shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.
  584. >"I-It has to be this way, Anon, I'm sorry." She chokes back a sob. "I-I'm so, so sorry."
  585. "I-I... lov--"
  586. >"Don't say it. Please don't make this harder than it needs to be. Please."
  587. "I... It's not my... Flutt--."
  588. >"S-say the line. Let's just get it over with."
  589. "It's not my fetish, you stupid mouth-breathing troglodyte," you feel a part of yourself die as the words leave you.
  590. >She nods, shakily.
  591. >"Th-that was good. I'll see you tomorrow, Anon. Same time as normal."
  592. >You stand and face your companion. She gazes longingly at you, and you try to contain your own emotions as you look into the eyes of the mare who is both so close to you, yet so far.
  593. >But the demands of the universe are absolute. You are both bound to this cursed path, save for a single day in winter where the burden is lifted for 24 hours. You each try to make the most of those hours when they roll around, but it only ever gets harder when it's time to go.
  594. >You both walk in opposite directions, reluctantly ready for whatever tomorrow might bring.
  595. >The breeze blows against your back, and whether its a manifestation of your internal grief or something else, you faintly hear a whisper on the wind say "I love you too".
  596.  
  597. ---
  598.  
  599. "No, Anon. You are the toasters. And then Anon was Anonfilly."
  600. - Anonymous, regarding transformations into Anonfilly.
  601.  
  602. >Fluttershy knocks on the door to your house.
  603. >It swings open from the force of the knocks and she blinks, surprised. Your door is usually locked with at least three forms of latch or chain; that your house is so undefended ironically puts her ill at ease.
  604. >As much as she likes to break in from time to time, she also likes a bit of a challenge.
  605. >Just leaving the door open is like giving up. Where's the sport in that?
  606. >She steps through the door tentatively.
  607. >"Hello? Anon? Are you in here? Your door was unlocked, and no, that's not me using the spare key line this time."
  608. >The mare trots around the ground floor of your home, checking your usual haunts and turning up nothing.
  609. >She huffs in annoyance, then huffs one of your cushions to calm down. Your scent reassures her.
  610. >Fluttershy ascends the stairs.
  611. >"Are you up here? Are you safe?" She calls. "If you've fallen in the shower I'm definitely going to take advantage of that - just letting you know in advance - but if there are terrorists or something up here I know seven different kinds of mare-tial art so I'll protect you!"
  612. >No response.
  613. >She checks each room on the second story but finds nothing, then finally comes to your bedroom door and frowns at it. She cracks her neck in preparation for any impromptu close-quarters-combat she'll need to do in order to protect her love from terrorists, and nudges open the door.
  614. >She finds your bedroom in its usual tidy state, and your bed with a small lump under it.
  615. >"...Anon? Is that you?"
  616. >She creeps over and gingerly pulls back the sheet.
  617. >What she finds isn't her hunky widdle snuggle-bug, but a small green filly with a black mane and tail.
  618. >The filly's eyes snap open, and she(?) screams.
  619. "Ahh! What's going on-- Twilight?!"
  620. >Fluttershy stares in dumb shock at the filly, unsure what to say.
  621. "Oh. Fluttershy, it's just you. God, I had the weirdest dream, Twilight turned me into a filly for some insane reason. So what, did I leave the front door open or something?"
  622. >Fluttershy eventually finds her voice, and lets her thoughts be known:
  623. >"Ew," she states bluntly.
  624. "...What?"
  625. >"Ew," she says again.
  626. "You okay?"
  627. >"Nope. Not doing a filly, that's gross. That's weird, that's gross, and I'm going to find Twilight."
  628. "What are you..."
  629. >You look down at your form and scream again.
  630. "Jesus, that was real?! Fluttershy, help me!"
  631. >Fluttershy glares at you.
  632.  
  633. >Fluttershy glares at Twilight.
  634. >"Twilight Sparkle, what the -HAY- have you done to my mushybooboo?!"
  635. >"Mushy-what-now?" Twilight says, momentarily baffled.
  636. >Fluttershy thrusts you in Twilight's face, waggling your tiny body before her between two outstretched hooves.
  637. >"Is this a joke, Twilight? Is this a prank? Something to rile up ol' Fluttershy?"
  638. >The unicorn sees your frightened young face and smirks.
  639. >"Hah! Well, I thought it would be funny, you know, since Anon hates--" She's interrupted by an incensed Fluttershy.
  640. >"What am I supposed to do with this, Twilight? Can I fondle a filly? Does she have a hot monkey dong? Does she have fingers to trace through my mane and massage my flanks with? Does she have a big fat human tongue? How do I marry and have children with a filly, Twilight? What am I supposed to do with this, Twilight?! Tell me where the FUCKING punchline is, Twilight!"
  641. >"Fluttershy I--"
  642. >"You turn him back -right now- or so help me Celestia I'll break your stupid horn off and stuff it so far up your gross, unwashed cooter you'll give birth to it again in eleven months!"
  643. >Twilight gawks at her friend, stunned.
  644. >Fluttershy unceremoniously drops you and grabs the other mare by the chest fluff, shaking her violently and screaming.
  645. >"FIIIX HIIIM!"
  646. >Twilight is terrified.
  647.  
  648. >In short order, your transformation is reverted, and you find yourself naked on the floor of the library with a sobbing pony stroking your chest and demanding that you never leave her again.
  649. >You're honestly not sure if you should be more afraid of Twilight or Fluttershy.
  650.  
  651. ---
  652.  
  653. "Actually yes, but much older-schooled than that. I can only get aroused by clever, obscure references to DOS CRPGS."
  654. - Anonymous, regarding his fetish.
  655.  
  656. >Soot drifts down from the hollow of your chimney, followed shortly after by Fluttershy crashing into the base.
  657. >She groans, coated in black and speckled with the grey ashes of the long-dead fire.
  658. >You watch this with mild interest, eating another chip from your bag.
  659. "Well you've never used the chimney before. I'm impressed you managed to fit through it with an ass that fat."
  660. >She shakily raises a hoof in victory, still a crumpled mess.
  661. >"Woo hoo..."
  662. >The mare climbs to her hooves and moves to step out, but you hold up a hand.
  663. "Wait. I don't want you getting crap everywhere. You can stay there and do what you need to do."
  664. >"Oh. Okay." She pulls a book from her equally-sooty saddlebag and opens it to a bookmarked page.
  665. >"Alright, um..."
  666. >She clears her throat, speaking in a flat tone.
  667. >"The song I sing, Will tell the tale, Of a cold and wintery day. Of castle walls, And torchlit halls, And a price men had to pay. When evil fled, And brave men bled, The Dark one came to stay. 'Til men of old, For blood and gold, Had rescued Skara Brae."
  668. >After finishing, she looks up at you.
  669. >You stare back.
  670. >"Th-that was from the introduction to the nineteen-eighty-five classic roleplaying game The Bard's Tale. Was it your fe--"
  671. >She doesn't finish as you drag her out of the fireplace, bend her over the coffee table, and plough her aforementioned "fat ass" so hard her howls can be heard by all your neighbours.
  672. >Perhaps it wasn't the cleverest reference, but you'll take what you can get in this godless, DOSless world.
  673.  
  674. ---
  675.  
  676. Anons were posting Daybreaker - arguably the hottest mare in MLP.
  677.  
  678. >You stand at your kitchen counter, quietly slicing vegetables and potatoes for a broth.
  679. >Hum to yourself as you work, largely oblivious to the world around you.
  680. >Carrots are sliced, broccoli and onions follow, potatoes join them. It's a methodical, calming process, and the only sounds you register are the slicing of your knife through the produce and the 'thunk' of the blade against the wooden chopping board.
  681. >You briefly pause and look up, staring out at your Ponyville garden with an unfocused gaze.
  682. >A smile works its way onto your lips. You live a simple life, and don't want for much. You have a decent job, you've been largely accepted by the community, and you have a few friends that like to spend time with you.
  683. >It was rough at first, but you got here in the end. You've done well for yourself, given your situation.
  684. >With a contented sigh through your nose, you go back to chopping with a bit more zest.
  685. >You slide everything into a pot and after covering it with a good amount of water and seasoning, set it to boil.
  686. >Then, you turn around and find yourself staring at Daybreaker - Fallen Princess of the Dawn and Harbinger of the Alabaster Apocalypse.
  687. "Ah," you say bluntly.
  688. >"Good day, Anonymous," she purrs.
  689. "Is it?"
  690. >You glance again outside at the idyllic town.
  691. >Yep. It's on fire and ponies are running around screaming their little heads off.
  692. >If you had a nickel.
  693. >You regard the hell-horse before you again with a frown, then look down at her gold-shod hooves.
  694. >Gesture at them with a hand.
  695. "And did you not think to wipe your hooves," you gesture further at the wide open back door, which you now see is actually no longer a door but the ashen remnants of one, "before you barged in unannounced?"
  696. >"I have arrived at this wretched village to claim what is mine," she hotly asserts. You say hotly both because it's a funny bit of wordplay on account of her arsonist tendencies, and because her breath is actually hot enough to peel the skin off the tip of your nose.
  697. "Am I to assume that I am what is yours?"
  698. >"Correct," her grin is malicious.
  699. "And are you going to continue burning Ponyville until I go with you?"
  700. >"Hah, I think I shall continue tormenting the scum that lives here until I am satisfied. Claiming you is my reason for coming, they are but an afterthought."
  701. "Right." You hold up a finger. "Just one moment, please, before you rape and likely incinerate me."
  702. >"Oh I don't know," she muses as you crouch to retrieve something from under your sink, "I think I could turn down the heat a bit so that I can enjoy you for a bit longer. At the very least you'll have a very fetching tan once I'm done with you."
  703. >Her grin stretches wider.
  704. >"I always did like my stallions tall, dark, and handsome."
  705. >You stand up again and face her at a respectable (and safe) distance.
  706. "Any other lewd comments before we're done here?"
  707. >"Only to confirm that I am a top, and that if you even think about trying to roll me onto my back whilst we have bed-breaking sex I'll bite you as hard as I can. In fact, I may just do that anyway, since I've never tasted human blood before and imagine it's rather palatable."
  708. "I shall be sure to keep my genitals as far away from your mouth as possible, then."
  709. >Her eyes gleam.
  710. >"Oh Anonymous, don't give me ideas~"
  711. "Uh huh. Anyway, you can go now."
  712. >"Hah! Do you presume to order me around, human? Please, do continue, I love it when my consorts have spirit, it makes it all the more satisfying when I break them."
  713. "Guess that's why they call you Day-'breaker' then, isn't it?"
  714. >"Aha, very good," she smirks.
  715. "Very," you promptly reply.
  716. >Then you squirt her with your spray bottle.
  717. >She recoils, visibly shaken.
  718. >"GAH! What in the hells--"
  719. >You squirt her again, right in the face.
  720. >"What is that?!" She shrieks, back-peddling away from you as you follow her, still spraying.
  721. >The mist graces her flank as she turns to flee, and it hisses on contact with her fur.
  722. >The mare howls in dismay and gallops from the scene.
  723. >"You've only delayed the inevitable, Anonymous!" She turns to face you as she monologues, "I will retu--"
  724. >You've already caught up, and squirt her in the eyes.
  725. >She drops to the ground, writhing around and waggling her front hooves in front of her face defensively.
  726. >"Stop! STOP! Mercy!"
  727. >You don't let up, squirting her trembling hooves a few times and then once on her exposed belly. She squeals and lets out a sob.
  728. >"It's not fa-aiiir!" She whines.
  729. >Eventually, she's dripping with water and steam surrounds you both as you relentlessly douse the mare at your feet, who is huddled into herself on the grass in your back garden.
  730. >You continue to spray until eventually a very soggy and upset-looking Princess Celestia pouts up at you, her mane and colour scheme having returned to their usual hues and non-lethal temperature.
  731. >Miraculously, the town is no longer on fire as well, and the screaming appears to have stopped.
  732. >"Th-thanks..." she mumbles.
  733. "I know estrus hits mares hard, but god damn, woman, learn to control yourself."
  734. >"It's easy for regular ponies to complain about heat, Anonymous, but I have the power of the sun coursing through my veins. My heat isn't uncomfortable, it's downright volcanic!"
  735. "Excuses! Now get out of here, I need to tend to my broth."
  736. >"...Could I not stay for lunch?"
  737. "After pulling this crap again? Definitely not. I don't reward bad behaviour, now GET!"
  738. >You squirt her a final time for good measure.
  739. >She wails like a sea lion and staggers to her hooves, wings flapping erratically to carry her into the sky and away from the merciless spray-bottle marauder.
  740. >Shake your head as she goes.
  741.  
  742. ---
  743.  
  744. Anonymous posted Limestone Pie - arguably the limey-est mare in MLP.
  745.  
  746. >"And this is my sister, Limey!" Pinkie proudly presents her sister.
  747. >"Limestone," the mare corrects, a scowl firmly fixed upon her.
  748. "It's nice to meet you, Limestone," you politely respond.
  749. >Her eyes trail up and down you, sizing you up.
  750. >You do the same to her, noting her taut muscles and sharp edges. Hers is a physique that exceeds even Applejack's; a body sculpted by her work into the same form as the rocks that surround her.
  751. >She catches you inspecting her, and a slight smirk replaces the scowl, which you try to match with your own nervous smile.
  752. >"Yeah, I think I could take you on."
  753. "Hah, we'd best stay in each other's good books then, hadn't we?"
  754. >"I dunno, I kinda like a bit of friction."
  755. >Pinkie watches this with beaming glee.
  756. >"This is great! I knew you two would hit it off! Okay, so I'm gonna go see what's on for dinner, see you both later!"
  757. "What? Where--"
  758. >She's already vanished in a cloud of pink and dust, leaving you alone on the outer edges of the Pie family rock farm.
  759. >Amongst the huge boulders that surround you, there is only Limestone.
  760. >The mare cracks her neck and stretches a few limbs, the steel-cords beneath her fur loosening and tightening.
  761. >You fold your arms and try to make conversation until Pinkie gets back.
  762. "So, uh, how long have you run the farm for? Pinkie said you'd taken over operations here sometime after she moved out."
  763. >"Yeah," Limestone shrugs casually, "I've been running the place for pa since I was ten."
  764. "Ten? That's a bit young, isn't it?"
  765. >"For some pathetic citypony, sure, but rock farms breed hard ponies. Hard mares, especially," she says with a wink. "I probably could have started working the place when I was eight, but I needed to finish learning my math before I could handle the accounts."
  766. "Wow, you're pretty much set for life then, aren't you?"
  767. >She shrugs again, her smirk fading back into her usual scowl.
  768. >"Maybe. Life is a long time to spend in the same place though. I don't see many ponies. Or stallions."
  769. >You feel the hairs on the backs of your arms stand on end, and you look around again to confirm that it's just you, the rocks, and Limestone out here.
  770. "Right... so should we follow after Pinkie? I think she mentioned dinner?"
  771. >"Pinkie'll be fine, knowing ma it's just gonna be rock soup again anyway. Besides, I don't think I've worked up enough of a sweat to excuse taking a break yet."
  772. >She grins at you, her eyes narrowing and darting over your comparatively frail form again.
  773. >"Think you can help me with that, Stick?"
  774. "Stick?"
  775. >"Sure. You're tall, thin, and there's nothing to you. I was kinda hoping you'd have a bit more muscle on you so you could help me lug a few rocks around, but I don't think you'd be much good at anything around here."
  776. >She takes a purposeful step forward.
  777. >"That being said, I gotta admit I've always had a thing for lanky stallions. Pair of brothers came by the farm the other year looking to sell us some crap. We didn't buy any of it, but I'd have happily sampled either of them. Maybe both at once, I could probably take them. They left before I could try anything though."
  778. "I-I uhh, I'm gonna check on Pink--"
  779. >"Hey, quick question."
  780. "...Yeah?"
  781. >"How long do you think a mare could stand not having anyone around to scratch her itch?" She corners you against a boulder and your back presses into it, further reinforcing the feeling that you've been trapped. "See, I've got a book. A little book, I got it from a travelling salespony years ago. Full of all kinds of freaky stuff. At first I thought it was gross, but wouldn't you know that growing up changes a girl's tastes. Used to be weird but now it's kind of exciting, can't tell you how many times I've read it through. Of course, I have to hide it from the others, can't be doing having Marble walking in on me with my hoof between my legs, I've gotta be a good rolemodel for her. Still, it's full of all sorts of scenes involving mares and stallions and I'm kinda curious to see if it matches real life."
  782. >She punches the face of the rock just by your hip, regarding you with a hungry gaze as you flinch.
  783. >"How about this: You help me out with a little problem I've been having ever since I saw you wander onto the farm, and maybe I'll go easy on you. I've got a lot of things I wanna try out from my book and something like a decade of frustration to work through. Come on, Stick. Be a gentlestallion."
  784. >A final grin.
  785. >"Who knows, if you do a good enough job maybe the Choosing Stone will pair us up and we can be married. Then I'll really be able to unwind."
  786. "I-I think I'll pass."
  787. >"Aww, that's a shame."
  788. "Yeah," you give an uncertain laugh, "it is, I'm sorry."
  789. >"No, not that. It's a shame that you think you actually have a choice."
  790.  
  791. >"Hiya Nonny! Ma's prepared dinner - it's rock soup! Can you believe that?! It's like, my favourite!" Pinkie cackles as you push through the front door of the farmhouse, then retreats back into the kitchen to continue helping her parents.
  792. >You stagger into the front room and sit down at the dinner table across from Pinkie's sister, Maud.
  793. >She blinks slowly at you.
  794. >You wear a thousand-yard stare, unable to effectively speak.
  795. >"You are covered in bruises," Maud observes in monotone.
  796. >A low whine escapes your lips, but nothing else.
  797. >"You were out at the eastern fields," she continues, "that's where Limestone prefers to work her afternoon shift. You met Limestone out there."
  798. "Hhhh..." you squeak, trying not to move too much on account of the pain.
  799. >"Limestone is a very pent-up pony. I am glad you were generous enough to help her. I can tell that you did because I can smell Limestone's musk on you. It is a very powerful smell that she thinks she can hide whenever she's done reading her book. She cannot hide it. We were starting to worry that she would not find anyone."
  800. >You look away from the wall behind Maud and focus on her somewhat.
  801. >The mare nods in affirmation of something.
  802. >"I think you would be a good husband for her. I will tell mother and father, they will be pleased."
  803. >She promptly leaves, and you slump further into your seat, your every bone and muscle screaming in agony.
  804. >You think your pelvis might be broken.
  805.  
  806. ---
  807.  
  808. "Pinko is disturbingly calm in this part. I don't like it. Almost like it was all planned."
  809. - Anonymous, regarding the Limestone short.
  810.  
  811. "You wanted to see me, Maud? What's the problem?"
  812. >"Hello Pinkie Pie. I am glad you came to visit us in this time of crisis," Maud says without a single inflection in her voice.
  813. "When I saw your letter I knew it was serious - you used an exclamation mark!"
  814. >Maud shuffles in what you can only describe as sheer, unrestrained discomfort.
  815. >"I was worried."
  816. "Absolutely! So what's up?"
  817. >"We need to do something about Limestone. She is getting worse."
  818. "Worse how? You mean grumpier?"
  819. >"No. She is using her book several times a day. It is distracting her from work and causing a smell."
  820. >You cringe - Limestone's book of lewdness was feared within the Pie household. Cloudy Quartz had spied its contents only once before needing to be rushed to the family doctor with a case of the vapours. The rest of you had learnt to let evil lie, especially given how aggressive Limestone had become since blossoming into a mare.
  821. "Several times? H-how many?"
  822. >Maud pauses to think.
  823. >"...Multiple."
  824. "Holy-- that's more than a few!"
  825. >"Yes. It is. Marble is afraid to stay in our bed because Limestone has started groping her in her sleep."
  826. "Poor Marble! Is that why she's cuddling her safety rock?"
  827. >The two of you look over at the corner, where your younger sister Marble is trembling with all four hooves wrapped around a big smooth piece of sandstone.
  828. >"Marble has found it hard to get rested. We need you to find Limestone a husband so that he can breed the angst out of her. Mother thinks only at least four foals will calm her down. I think she may need more. Limestone was always the most hormonal of the Pie sisters."
  829. >You blink.
  830. "A husband? Like, a husband-husband?"
  831. >"No, I mean a husband."
  832. "Oooh," you nod. "Okay! I'll get Anon, he's single and has trouble saying no to people!"
  833. >"That sounds good. But how will you convince him to come here?"
  834. "I'll lure him here under the guise of meeting our family and spending a nice afternoon with us!"
  835. >"That is a good plan."
  836. "Yes, yes it is..." you rub your hooves together in a scheming manner, "but really, what he doesn't know, is that he'll really be spending a nice afternoon with us and meeting our family! It's the perfect trap!"
  837. >"You are very devious, Pinkie Pie."
  838. "Aww, thanks Maud! You always know just what to say!"
  839. >"Yes. I do."
  840.  
  841. ---
  842.  
  843. ">she then realizes that anon can't give her the HMD because the censor is in the way"
  844. - Anonymous, regarding Fluttershy and censorship.
  845.  
  846. >Fluttershy is on top of you.
  847. >She's been here several times in the past, and the outcome is rarely in your favour.
  848. >You struggle, but the rope binding you to the bed holds you fast. Your head flops back against the pillow and you wearily groan.
  849. "Again. The bed trick -again-. How many god-damned times are we going to do this?"
  850. >Fluttershy shrugs as she expertly unbuttons your shirt and pulls it open to reveal your chest.
  851. >"If it works, it works. Stop making your house so easy to break into and I'll stop tying you up whilst you're asleep."
  852. "Why are you making it out like it's my fault?"
  853. >She sighs impatiently.
  854. >"Because at this point, Anon, it sort of is. The first few times? Sure, that's me being pro-active in our relationship--"
  855. "Proactive."
  856. >"--But at some point it's like... come on! Put in a -little- more effort to stop it from happening at least?" She bats her eyelids at you. "It's almost like you -want- this to happen."
  857. "No, definitely not. I suppose I'm just too lazy to do anything more than replace the locks on my doors."
  858. >"And now you're paying the price. Hey, quick request, please could you call me a dirty filly when I'm riding you? It's been a fantasy of mine for a really long time."
  859. "Isn't raping me enough? You have to make me humiliate myself further?"
  860. >She finishes getting your pants down and stares at your crotch.
  861. >"...Uhh," she intones.
  862. "Problem?"
  863. >"I'm not... what -is- this?"
  864. >You raise your head again and look down at yourself.
  865. >Where your genitals were, there is now a large black square. The square appears two-dimensional, and seems to track your vision so that it's always facing you head-on. It even clips over your inner thighs, but you don't feel anything touching you.
  866. "The hell?"
  867. >"This isn't you?"
  868. "No?"
  869. >Fluttershy reaches forward and taps a hoof against it. It sounds like tapping a glass window.
  870. >She is struck with a thought, and looks between her own legs.
  871. >"What!"
  872. >Standing up so she's on all-fours, she turns on the spot trying to get a good look at her own loins. Your brow furrows as you get a full glimpse.
  873. "Yeah, it's on you too."
  874. >"Seriously? What's going on?"
  875. >"Allow me to answer that," comes a new voice. Masculine, and formal.
  876. >A stallion wearing a crisp suit steps out of the shadows of your bedroom.
  877. >You share a look of confusion with Fluttershy, then turn back to the newcomer.
  878. >He adjusts his tie and clears his throat.
  879. >"My name is Buzz Whack. I'm here representing the Equestrian Entertainment Commission."
  880. "What," you deadpan.
  881. >"The, um, who?" Fluttershy seems equally baffled.
  882. >He comes to the side of your bed, not at all bothered by the risqué situation he's materialised into.
  883. >"Your actions have been deemed inappropriate for the audience at home, so you have been censored accordingly."
  884. "What the f*** are you talk--" your curse instead came out as a loud beep.
  885. >You stop mid-sentence and look in horror at Fluttershy.
  886. >She has a hoof over her mouth, her eyes wide.
  887. >"Y-you can't censor Anon! Swearing is his favourite pass-time!"
  888. >"I'm afraid we have to," Buzz replies, "inappropriate language and visuals are to be blocked to protect the sensibilities of the viewers. This struggle-snuggle has been marked with a teen-rating, so at the most you can say "hell" and push each other around."
  889. "Struggle-snuggle? Buddy I'm getting r**** here-- of for f***'s sake."
  890. >He shakes his head.
  891. >"Please try and control your language, otherwise we may be forced to take you off the air."
  892. >He wears an easy smile.
  893. >"Now, please continue doing what you were doing."
  894. >...
  895. >He doesn't move, and Fluttershy glances at you nervously, then back to Buzz.
  896. >"A-are you just going to stand there?" She enquires.
  897. >"I'll monitor you until I can be sure that you're complying with regulation. Please, act like I'm not here," he maintains his smile.
  898. >Fluttershy gulps and looks to you again for reassurance.
  899. >You're lost for words, so you just shrug.
  900. >With much hesitation, Fluttershy moves herself into her usual position over your body, her front hooves on your chest and rear legs spread apart as she guides herself down onto your--
  901. >'Clink'
  902. >As your genitals meet, it makes a sound like two glasses tapping.
  903. >She tries again, a few more hollow taps sounding around your still bedroom.
  904. >"I, um... I can't do anything, Anon," she says weakly.
  905. "So what are we supposed to do now?" You ask Buzz.
  906. >He nods his head.
  907. >"Yes, penetration is also banned, even if it's just implied, so you'll need to pretend."
  908. "How are we-- how is -she- supposed to do that?"
  909. >"I'm sure she'll think of something."
  910. >You both look at Fluttershy.
  911. >She thinks for a moment, then flops forward onto your chest.
  912. >"I give up. Let's just cuddle."
  913. >Buzz seems happy at this.
  914. >"That'll be well within the parameters, I should think. Thank you both for your time, please enjoy the rest of your evening."
  915. >He wanders back into the darkened corner of your room and appears to vanish into nothing.
  916. >...
  917. "So are you going to untie me at least? Not like you can do anything now."
  918. >"I don't know, you have a mouth and I have a tongue."
  919. "...Please don't, that kind of thing was probably censored as well."
  920.  
  921. >It wasn't.
  922.  
  923. ---
  924.  
  925. It was April 1st - arguably the most foolish day in MLP
  926.  
  927. >You wake to the sound of knocking.
  928. >Wiping the sleep - and mane - out of your eyes, you drag yourself out of bed with a wide yawn.
  929. >You didn't catch what the clock read, but it must be early.
  930. >Who could it be? It's not normal that you get guests at this time in the morning.
  931. >You open the door a crack, and then fully as your jaw drops slightly.
  932. "A-anon?" you say in disbelief.
  933. >"Good morning, Fluttershy!" The human is beaming at you.
  934. >He reveals a long, narrow, red lollipop from his coat pocket and points at it.
  935. >"Is licking a lollipop your fetish?" Without waiting for an answer he slides it into his mouth, making a big show of licking it and covering it with spit. He pants and moans as he does so, his tongue enveloping the glistening sweet.
  936. >Your wings have fully unfurled; you watch him unblinking, your breathing shallow.
  937. >All other sounds are irrelevant to you; all that matters is what's happening in front of you.
  938. >Your eyes are locked onto his every motion, refusing to even entertain the idea of blinking lest you miss a microsecond of the display.
  939. >Finally, he finishes with a single long lick from the base of the lollipop to the tip before drawing back and giving you a playful wink.
  940. >"Well~?"
  941. >You swallow heavily, and have to lean against the doorframe to support yourself.
  942. "Yuh..." your mouth is full of spittle, the same way it would be if you were staring at a delicious meal after a day's fasting, "y-yes, oh sweet Celestia yes it is, i-is this happening? A-are you--"
  943. >He crouches down and reaches forward, cupping your face with a hand. A distressed, needy whine escapes you.
  944. >His loving eyes gaze into yours, and your heartrate trebles.
  945. >"April Fools," he whispers into your ear, then he pulls back and grins at you.
  946. >You stare back dumbly at him, body shaking.
  947. "I-I don't know what that is."
  948. >His smile falters.
  949. >"...Don't they have April Fools in Equestria?"
  950. >You shake your head, still yet to have blinked in the last minute or so. Your entire body trembles, sweat building all over your coat.
  951. >"Oh. Uhh, well it's a whole thing on Earth where people prank each oth... er..."
  952. >He studies you with a building sense of unease. Your wings are fully spread to the point of aching, and your eyes have shrunk to pinpricks. The last of his smile vanishes.
  953. >"...I may have made a serious mistake."
  954. >The human yelps as you grab his collar with both hooves and drag him inside, kicking the door shut with a hoof.
  955. >His protests are muffled by your cottage, and no one can hear him scream all the way out here.
  956.  
  957. ---
  958.  
  959. Anonymous posted an image of Fluttershy saying how nice it would be to have a lot of foals together (emphasis on "lot")
  960.  
  961. >"Anon! It's Fluttershy!" Twilight yells directly into your face.
  962. "What's she done -now-?"
  963. >"Remember when you impregnated her last year?!"
  964. "...No? I think I'd have remembered something like that."
  965. >"...Oh, wait, yeah-- no, you were asleep and I helped her break into your house and ride you to climax."
  966. "Twilight what."
  967. >"Come to think of it, I did the same. We both took turns."
  968. "Wha--"
  969. >"You're a -really- heavy sleeper and at some point we both kinda just wanted to see what we could get away with before you woke up."
  970. "Bu--"
  971. >"I was grinding my marehood against your face for like, thirty minutes and you didn't even snort. Fluttershy was taking your entire length up her butt the whole time."
  972. "..."
  973. >"..."
  974. "..."
  975. >"...So anyway! After all that, Fluttershy got pregnant!"
  976. "But you didn't?"
  977. >"Silly Anon, alicorns can't get pregnant!"
  978. >You rub your chin in thought.
  979. "What about Cadence?"
  980. >"She's a collective hallucination! She never even existed!"
  981. "...So when Celestia forced you to become one against your will...?"
  982. >Twilight shivers, her teeth clenching.
  983. >"I-I won't... cry... I said I wouldn't..."
  984. "O-oh my god Twilight, I-I'm so sorry."
  985. >She takes a deep breath.
  986. >"Hoookay! Okay! I'm good! Haha, just had a moment there, sorry! Anyway, Fluttershy just went into labour with your kids! But not me! I'll never be able to have any! None! Ever! HaHA!"
  987. "Kids? Plural?"
  988. >"Yes! But the problem is that she just won't stop having them!"
  989. "Elaborate."
  990. >"She'd given birth to like, eighteen of them before I came to find you! The doctor doesn't know where they keep coming from! I think it's a magical problem, and come to think of it Fluttershy and I did some -crazy- stuff to you and then each other last year so that might have something to do with it, but the point is that you're now the lucky father to probably like twenty-something horrific human-pony hybrids!"
  991. "...Well that's just awful."
  992. >"Worst part is that you'll be expected to pay child support for all of them!"
  993. "This is just a dreadful, dreadful story, Twilight, and I'm ashamed to be a part of it."
  994. >"Haha, aren't we all, Anon!"
  995. >Twilight looks at the camera.
  996. >"Aren't we all."
  997.  
  998. ---
  999.  
  1000. It was Easter Sunday - arguably the eggiest day in MLP.
  1001.  
  1002. >You're sat on a park bench reading a book, since you have nothing else better to do.
  1003. >Then, your vision goes dark as two soft hooves cover your eyes from behind.
  1004. >"Guess who!"
  1005. "The angel Gabriel finally here to put my soul to rest?"
  1006. >"Nope! A little birdy told me that today was a special day for you, so I decided to get into the spirit of the holiday!"
  1007. "By 'little birdy' do you mean Twilight."
  1008. >"Uh huh!"
  1009. "I told her not to tell anyone else about humanity's weird egg-festival."
  1010. >"But it sounded so cute! And I had a bunny costume already so it was easy to get dressed up."
  1011. >She removes her hooves from your eyes and leaps over the bench, coming to land before you and presenting herself with a flourish.
  1012. >"Ta dah! Do you like it?"
  1013. >She's dressed in a black hoodie with blue ears grafted to it, complete with a set of goggles for some reason.
  1014. >You stare at her in dumb shock for a moment, sweat forming on your forehead as she smiles meekly at you, waiting for your judgement.
  1015. >"Do you like it?" she says in a hesitant voice.
  1016. >A trembling hand grasps your chest as you drop your book.
  1017. >Fluttershy cocks her head, ears flopping to the side.
  1018. >"What's wrong?"
  1019. "Hhh... Hnng--!" you collapse to the ground before her, gasping and clawing at the ground.
  1020. >"A-anon!" she yelps, her playful attitude slapped off her face.
  1021. >Her hooves stamp about in a panic, the mare not sure what to do with herself.
  1022. "Y-you--"
  1023. >You can't speak. Your heart thunders in your chest. Breathing has become difficult and your pumping blood has become a rising chorus in your ears.
  1024. >A purple shape shunts Fluttershy to the side, and you find yourself staring up at Twilight's horrified expression, your eyes pleading with her.
  1025. >"No! Fluttershy what have you -done-?! Don't worry Anon, we'll get you to a hospital!"
  1026. >She levitates you off the ground and in a flash you all dematerialise from the park.
  1027. >You're deposited in a sterile corridor and unceremoniously dumped on a wheeled-table. Twilight barks orders at a pair of stunned hospital staff off to one side, and the two leap into action, running you down the hall towards the emergency ward.
  1028. >Twilight canters alongside you, assuring you that everything is going to be fine.
  1029. >You almost start to feel better, but Fluttershy's anxious face - along with her adorable little ears that she probably spent an evening carefully sewing onto her precious little outfit whilst humming to herself - comes into view and your heartrate becomes erratic again.
  1030. >A doctor, having barged into the theatre from another door, growls at the pegasus, gesturing wildly at the exit.
  1031. >"Hell's teeth, get her out of here! She's making it worse!"
  1032. >He points a hoof at Nurse Redheart, who shrinks back from his furious gaze.
  1033. >"Redheart! You too! This was caused by cuteness and cuteness is only making it worse!"
  1034. >She looks at the floor bashfully, a pink blush spreading across her cheeks coupled with an embarrassed smile. She paws at the ground, her head ducking lower.
  1035. >"I'm not -that- cute..."
  1036. >"OUT!" A clipboard crashes into the wall next to her, and she bolts from the room before the good doctor can drag her out himself.
  1037. >He sighs, then leans over your body, placing a steady hoof on your chest.
  1038. >"Breathe, son, breathe. Focus on my face and my voice, it's alright. Clear your mind, don't think about anything cute."
  1039. >You do as he tells you, shuddering breaths blending into calmer motions as you feel your body stepping back from the brink.
  1040. >Twilight speaks up.
  1041. >"Do you need me to leave too, doctor? Am I not helping being here?"
  1042. >The doctor shakes his head.
  1043. >"Don't worry, miss Sparkle, it's only cute mares that can cause this reaction. You can stay."
  1044. >She blinks, then scowls.
  1045.  
  1046. ---
  1047.  
  1048. "Fluttershy teaches Anon how to be rapey enough."
  1049. - Anonymous
  1050.  
  1051. >You rub your eyes with some fingers and try not to sway too much in your seat.
  1052. "Bwuh?" you blearily grunt.
  1053. >"I said, are you sitting comfortably?"
  1054. >You look down at where you're sat in bewilderment.
  1055. >You're crammed into a dated school desk in what seems to be Fluttershy's home.
  1056. "I guess?" you're still too drowsy to be anything other than suggestable at the moment, so you decide to roll with it whilst your brain finishes loading up and re-establishing the correct hierarchy of priorities.
  1057. >"Great!" Fluttershy squees. "So, welcome to Love Questing One-oh-One! I'll be your teacher, Fluttershy. Do you have any questions before I begin?"
  1058. >You shakily raise a hand, still a bit out-of-it, and wait for her to point a hoof at you.
  1059. "A few, if you don't mind, miss."
  1060. >She nods eagerly and motions for you to continue; you clear your throat.
  1061. "How did I get here, why am I here, what possible need would I have for these lessons, and when do we break for lunch?"
  1062. >"I drugged and dragged you here last night; I got lonely and wanted some company; one day you may need to swab a mare's throat with your throbbing human meat - preferably mine - and we'll stop at eleven-thirty for some tea and sandwiches and maybe to practice what you've learnt so far."
  1063. "I kinda had one more question."
  1064. >"Go on?"
  1065. "Does this count as extra credit? Professor Douglas said side-courses wouldn't help."
  1066. >"Yes, yes it will," Fluttershy confidently states.
  1067. >You're happy with this answer, even though you haven't seen or spoken to Professor Douglas in over ten years following your ill-fated attempt at attending college. However, your brain still hasn't finished sorting itself out, so you haven't caught up that far yet.
  1068. >"So!" She flips a sheet over on her presentation board to show a few brainstorm-bubbles and bulletpoints. "We'll start with a scenario for the class: You want to have sex with a soft, gentle, motherly, kind, easy-to-please pegasus mare with wide birthing hips and excellent vaginal muscle control who only wants what's best for you and loves you for who you are in spite of your flaws despite what that hussy Rarity thinks, but she says no! What do you do?"
  1069. "Re..." you squint at the board and rub your chin in thought, "Respect her wishes as a woman and go about your day...?"
  1070. >"Wrong answer!"
  1071. "Ah hell, I knew I'd suck at this course."
  1072. >"The correct answer is to pin her against the floor of her cottage and breed her until she's full to bursting with your hot human cum whilst her pet bunny watches from the corner. Are you writing this down?"
  1073. >Crap. You fumble for a bit and shakily pick up your pencil, messily scribbling down her words on the paper before you.
  1074. >"The thing you must remember when struggle-snuggling, or planning to struggle-snuggle, is that consent is just a concept invented by ponies and has no intrinsic value. Can you repeat that back to me? 'Consent has no intrinsic value'."
  1075. "Consent has no intrinsic value..." Hm, that doesn't sound right. Ah, your brain has finally caught up. "Hey wait a minute! This isn't my college and you're not my Social Studies Professor! She was black, and also not an actual horse!"
  1076. >"Um, th-that's not true, I just had a race-change operation--"
  1077. >You stand up as best you can, the cramped school desk fixing itself around you as you rise and restricting your movements to a crooked hobble bent over at the waist.
  1078. "This is bull, I'm dropping out again and going to bricklaying school like my dad said I should."
  1079. >"But the market is oversaturated with cheap labour!" she protests. "You'll never find a job!"
  1080. "Screw you, Fluttershy, you won't stop my dreams of laying bricks."
  1081. >And so, you hobble out of Fluttershy's cottage/college and make your way to Fillydelphia, where you enrol in a trade school and become one of the finest bricklayers Equestria has ever known.
  1082. >You do all of it with a school desk wrapped around your waist, which only adds to your mystique and employability.
  1083. >Dad would be proud.
  1084.  
  1085. ---
  1086.  
  1087. "Would you let Pinkie Pie suck you off if she asked, "pretty-please with sugar on top?" and gave you the puppy-dog eyes?"
  1088. - Anonymous, posting a picture of Pinkie with absolutely massive pupils.
  1089.  
  1090. >Pinkie sniffs wetly, tears welling as she peers up at you.
  1091. >"P-please, Nonny. I-I just really really like you a-and I wanna do this for you! Please let me do it, I-I'll only be a minute!"
  1092. >You gaze down at Pinkie Pie, who has been stood before you trying to get you to take your pants off so she can engorge herself on your family jewels for the last twelve and a half minutes.
  1093. >You frown as you watch her.
  1094. >Her eyes dilate even further than before, the black of her pupils swelling.
  1095. >You read once that pupils expand when looking at something they like, so from that you can infer that Pinkie must -really- like you.
  1096. >But that's not what bothers you.
  1097. >What bothers you is the fact that her pupils won't stop growing.
  1098. >You watch with slowly building dread as the black overtakes the baby-blue of her irises, then the white of her sclera.
  1099. "Uh, Pinkie?"
  1100. >Her lower lip vibrates even harder, and she emits a whine.
  1101. >At this point both of her eyes are entirely black. But not a regular black. The black of Pinkie's eyes seems to beckon not only you, but the very light around them. It is like the sun's rays hit them but don't escape. With no light reflecting off them they lose all depth and dimension and become like a starless night. Each is an abyss, and as you stare unflinchingly into them you feel yourself become weightless as the world around you ceases to register.
  1102. >Pinkie's eyes are cavernous pits, and the primitive instincts within you paradoxically scream for you to both run in terror from this new unknown, and to delve deeper into the mystery before you. Caught between fight and flight, you are paralyzed into indecision, yet still you can sense that they are drawing nearer.
  1103. >Her eyes yet widen. They encompass the horizons of your sight, but are they truly growing, or are you just leaning closer? You can't tell anymore. You can't feel your hands or feet, and have no bearing on whether you're standing or falling.
  1104. >All you can see is the pink-rimmed black. For a moment you think you see a flicker in the depths, but you realise all too late that your mind is simply trying to make sense of the sheer emptiness devouring you.
  1105. "Pinkie Pie," your words sound deaf in your own ears. Did you even utter them? Or is the darkness before you playing with both your vision -and- your mind?
  1106. >At that point, it is all around you. There is nothing to see, there is only void.
  1107. >You manage to twist yourself away from where Pinkie was standing, but it no longer matters. In every direction you look you can see into eternity, but for every stretch of distance there is naught to behold.
  1108. >Are you upside down? The blood rushes through your ears, but you can't feel the gentle pull of gravity anymore. You float, and despite your best efforts cannot find purchase on any surface. You are adrift in nothing.
  1109.  
  1110. >You suddenly blink hard and gasp like your lungs are empty, your hands gripping your living room rug as you find yourself abruptly regarding the wooden beams running along the ceiling.
  1111. >Your entire body is saturated with sweat, you're completely naked, your heart beats two-hundred times a minute, and a great tremble wracks your form.
  1112. >More gasping, and the world stops spinning, you sit up and try to get your bearings, only to find Pinkie Pie standing up as well from between your widened legs.
  1113. >She wipes her mouth and beams at you.
  1114. >"That was -great-! Was it good for you too? Huh? Was it?!"
  1115. "Wh-wha...?"
  1116. >She bats her eyelids at you suggestively, then giggles at your bewilderment.
  1117.  
  1118. >And that's how you developed a fear of the dark.
  1119.  
  1120. ---
  1121.  
  1122. Anonymous posted an image of the 2014 fandom card game "Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder". Went to check it out just now as I'm typing this. Seems like it died 5 years ago. Damned shame.
  1123.  
  1124. >"It's not -working-, Spike!"
  1125. >Twilight slams her hoof on the table to punctuate her point, startling a still-sleepy Spike out of his daze.
  1126. >He yawns again and looks blearily to the hanging clock on the wall of the library.
  1127. >It's five in the morning, and Twilight has been up since four-thirty obsessing over something she saw in a dream.
  1128. >She does this often - dreams something terrible, thinks it's a vision of the future, then goes about trying to do something about out - but he wishes she'd at least leave him out of it.
  1129. >Unfortunately, he happens to be two things: her 'Number One Assistant', and her little brother.
  1130. >At that thought, he smiles despite himself and covers his yawn with a hand as he stands up.
  1131. >He waddles around to her side of the table and wraps his arms around her chest, sighing into her fur.
  1132. >Twilight blinks a few times and looks down at him, a small smile infiltrating her distress.
  1133. >"Heh, thanks, Spike..." she strokes his spines and enjoys the hug for a moment, "but this is still all wrong!"
  1134. "Can't it wait until morning?" He cracks another yawn into her chest.
  1135. >"It's morning now."
  1136. "Until it's -more- morning."
  1137. >"No, Spike!" She shrugs him off and starts pacing, as she is wont to do when she's allowing her daunting intellect to catastrophise a given situation. "I've had the awful realisation that my efforts to ship Anon and Fluttershy aren't working, I can't just go back to sleep!"
  1138. "Like you've said already."
  1139. >"But Spike, it's never -not- worked!" She opens her secret book, smothered in annotations, sticky notes, and sticky substances Spike dared not think about. "Every ship I've created whilst in Ponyville has come true. Lyra and Bon Bon, Big Mac and Cheerilee, Flitter and Cloudchaser, Scootaloo and her Rainbow Dash dakimakura... Mister and Missus Cake!"
  1140. "The Cakes were already married though."
  1141. >"Yes, but they weren't -properly- married. They weren't acting like two ponies in love -should- be."
  1142. "That... okay," he sighs. "So what's gone wrong with Anon and Fluttershy?"
  1143. >"I don't know! They're the perfect match, but something just isn't clicking between them! I've encouraged Fluttershy to take a more hooves-on approach and she's been doing alright, insofar as Fluttershy is capable of asserting herself, anyway. But Anon has been completely unreceptive. I fear I may have to take drastic action to help this ship set sail."
  1144. "But why do you -need- to do this, Twilight...?"
  1145. >"Because they'll be super cute together! The big scary human and the little shy pegasus. Opposites attract, Spike, they'd be adorable together!"
  1146. "Don't you think meddling in the love-lives of people around here and acting like some freaky puppet master is, I dunno, manipulative?"
  1147. >"I prefer the term puppet -mistress-, Spike."
  1148. "That's not encouraging at all, Twilight."
  1149. >She shrugs and evokes her magic, sending her book back to its imposing chest in the far corner and sealing it once more behind several padlocks and chains.
  1150. >"I have to take action, Spike," she says, determined, "If they aren't going to get with each other then I'll have to do it myself. If this ship won't cast off I'll -make it- cast off, I don't care if the bottle doesn't break against the bow!"
  1151. "...I don't think the whole boat analogy works anymore."
  1152. >She ignores him, rubbing her hooves together conspiratorially and giggling in the same unhinged manner Spike had come to fear whilst they'd been living in Ponyville.
  1153. >She never used to do it, but something about being surrounded by so many unwitting 'test subjects' triggered something Machiavellian in her.
  1154. >Spike was too tired to stop her from scheming though, and instead crawled under the table and curled into a ball, content to sleep through the impending disaster.
  1155.  
  1156. ---
  1157.  
  1158. "There are a pair of Kirin on your front porch who claim that you promised to "teach them the ways of human love", and say they will burn your house down unless you let them in. What do?"
  1159. - Anonymous
  1160.  
  1161. >You sip your water and consider their announcement as you lean against your front door's frame.
  1162. "Alright," you agree after a moment.
  1163. >The two grin at each other, then back at you.
  1164. >"Great! We knew you'd make the right choice," says the lighter mare, Autumn Blaze. "So where do we start?"
  1165. "Well," you finish your glass of water and set it aside before smiling at them, "the two of you know nothing about human mating habits, do you?"
  1166. >"Not a single thing! But you said they'd be easy to learn, so lay it on us! Or lay it -in- us!" Autumn giggles with her friend, who remains silent.
  1167. "Oh sure, it's easy. The first thing you need to understand is that humans are a very strange species compared to ponies or kirin, so a lot of this stuff might not make sense, but if you follow my instructions I'm sure we'll be 'banging' in no time at all."
  1168. >"Banging!" Autumn nudges her still-quiet friend. "That's my favourite activity besides talking to myself. Alright, mister human, let's get this show on the road! So what's first, whipped cream on the teats? Feeding each other strawberries? Passionate love-making under the moon?"
  1169. >She leans in conspiratorially.
  1170. >"...Floor tiles?"
  1171. "Oof, haha, no, nothing quite so scandalous, Autumn. Trust me, you'll be good at it."
  1172.  
  1173. >Autumn's friend, whose name you still haven't been told, merrily dusts away at your mantlepiece, then trots over to your set of china and begins carefully cleaning it with a happy look about her.
  1174. >Autumn herself feeds you another grape as you lounge in your chair reading a book.
  1175. >"...Anon?"
  1176. "Hm?"
  1177. >"Are you -sure- this is how humans do it?"
  1178. "Oh yes, this is what many back home would consider an intense baby-making session."
  1179. >Autumn frowns and carefully plucks another grape off the stem, pushing it between your lips.
  1180. >"If you say so..."
  1181.  
  1182. >In a shocking turn of events, both of them end up pregnant.
  1183. >Perhaps you shouldn't be trying to outsmart Equestria's magic.
  1184.  
  1185. ---
  1186.  
  1187. "How would Ponyville’s finest handle Celestia?"
  1188. - Anonymous, in response to a picture of Celestia stood outside a window.
  1189.  
  1190. >"...Hey Anon?" Fluttershy pokes your arm.
  1191. "What's up," you don't shift from your position on the sofa.
  1192. >"You um, have a visitor."
  1193. >You break from your book on 'Ten-Thousand Useful Tips For Over-inflating Lists' and look askance at your window overlooking the garden.
  1194. >Princess Celestia herself is outside your house, currently licking your window seductively.
  1195. >You're impressed that she can slobber on glass in a manner that evokes feelings of arousal, but then who even knows what dark powers alicorns dabble in.
  1196. >Fluttershy shuffles slightly closer to you, clearly put off by her Princess' raw display of matriarchal dominance.
  1197. >"She's really going at it."
  1198. "That glass will be more horse-drool than fried sand by the time she's done, make no mistake."
  1199. >"Should we tell her to stop?"
  1200. "Why? She's clearly having a great time."
  1201. >"She's drawing love-hearts in her drool."
  1202. "It is what it is."
  1203. >"It's going to stain the glass when it dries, you know."
  1204. "What?"
  1205. >"Didn't you ever learn how to look after a house? It's basic home economics. That's going to leave a permanent smudge on the glass if you don't deal with it quickly."
  1206. "That's bull, glass doesn't work like that."
  1207. >"Technically it's horse, and yes it does."
  1208. "...Huh."
  1209. >You both watch Celestia leave a lingering smooch on your window and finish with a wink in your direction.
  1210. >"You'll have to come out someday, Anon," you hear her say.
  1211. "She's right," you say solemnly, "I need to pick up more strawberries from the market."
  1212. >Fluttershy gives you a worried look.
  1213. >"Oh my, don't let Applejack hear you say that, she has really strong feelings about strawberries."
  1214. "Well what a coincidence, I have really strong feelings about strawberries too, in that I want them in my belly."
  1215. >"I want you in my belly," Celestia's muffled voice says.
  1216. "That doesn't make sense, Celestia," you call in response.
  1217. >"Does too," she pouts.
  1218. >You dismissively wave a hand at her and look back to Fluttershy, who doesn't look any less worried.
  1219. >"I really think you should do something about the glass before it gets worse."
  1220. "If I go over there I risk getting dribble on me."
  1221. >"I'll cover you in more than just my dribble," Celestia quips.
  1222. "See what I mean? She's gonna get freaky as soon as I get near."
  1223. >Fluttershy shakes her head.
  1224. >"I don't think so. If she wanted to do anything she'd have opened the window already and come inside."
  1225. "There's no way a horse with an ass that fat is fitting through that window."
  1226. >"Hey!" Celestia barks, eyes narrowed. She then looks back at her butt and winces. "Alright, you may have a point."
  1227. "Too much cake I think, Princess."
  1228. >"Look me in the eye and tell me you'd be able to resist if you had all the shortbread in the world a mere servant's call away."
  1229. "Better watch out with saying things like 'mere servant', Princess. That's how you get Communism."
  1230. >"No comment on the shortbread?"
  1231. "I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of being right."
  1232. >"Aha, I knew it."
  1233. "So can you please stop licking my window?"
  1234. >"I'll do it when you come and stop me."
  1235. "Promise not to do anything weird if I do?"
  1236. >"I promise."
  1237. >You stand up, walk outside with a broom, and attempt to push her away from your window whilst Fluttershy watches fearfully from within.
  1238. >Push the bristles against Celestia's chest.
  1239. "C'mon. Budge."
  1240. >She calmly takes the broom from your grasp with her magic and incinerates it.
  1241. >Then levitates you and simply wanders off with you floating alongside her.
  1242. >Fluttershy doesn't know how to react, so she calls after you that she'll take care of your garden whilst you're gone.
  1243. "You said you weren't going to do anything weird."
  1244. >"I lied."
  1245. "That's unethical."
  1246. >"I'm a princess, I can do whatever, and whomever, I want."
  1247. "Man, you are just -asking- for Communism at this point."
  1248. >"I'll worry about that when it happens. Come along now, we're going to Twilight's library."
  1249. "Why there?"
  1250. >"I want to bed you in front of my student, preferably in her actual bed. I think it'll be terribly amusing to see her reaction."
  1251. "Sic semper tyrannis, Celestia."
  1252. >"If I can't resist shortbread is it really so surprising that I'd do something like this?"
  1253. "You raise a valid, if ignoble point."
  1254. >"I thought as much."
  1255. >She smiles to herself, humming in bliss as she enjoys her stroll from your house to her student's, nodding at reverent passers-by as she goes.
  1256. >"I love being in charge."
  1257.  
  1258. ---
  1259.  
  1260.  
  1261. Non-FR shorts below.
  1262.  
  1263.  
  1264. ---
  1265.  
  1266. An Anon in /moon/ posted a picture of a red-tinted Luna stood before a blood moon. I was driven to mockery.
  1267. I'm sorry to that one Anon in the thread that didn't approve of the goofs, though I will say that his passionate defence of a fictional horse's honour made me grin, so there's that.
  1268.  
  1269. >Blood Moon Luna.
  1270. >Luna just turns red for the night.
  1271. >Nothing else happens, other than she's now got a red-oriented colour scheme.
  1272. >She absolutely hates it since red is by far her least favourite colour.
  1273. >Celestia will, without fail, make the same "are you upset? why are you so red in the face?" joke every time.
  1274. >She always has the same shit-eating grin whenever she says it.
  1275. >Luna's tried every form of magic to prevent the colour-change from happening, but if anything it just makes the red worse.
  1276. >Anon, seeing her distress and being the gentleman that he is, stoically offers her a glass of cranberry juice in this trying time.
  1277. >At first she's grateful for his support, then remembers what colour cranberries are.
  1278. >It takes Luna about half a minute to figure out that Celestia put him up to it, at which point 'dear sister' emerges from behind a curtain already wheezing.
  1279. >Now both she and Anon have collapsed against each other in a pile on the floor of Luna's bedroom. Anon suggests that Luna change her name to Maroona.
  1280. >They're roaring with laughter so hard they're waking up the castle.
  1281. >A guard bursts into the room, looking panicked.
  1282. >The first thing he says is "Princesses! We heard shouting, is everything alright? We weren't sure what to do so we put the castle guard on red alert!"
  1283. >Celestia is screaming.
  1284. >Anonymous can't breathe or see through his tears.
  1285. >Luna's anger is absolutely biblical.
  1286. >All she can do is shriek about taking her vengeance against her sister.
  1287. >At one point she accidentally goes too far with her metaphors, and says she'll "paint the streets red".
  1288. >By now the laughing-pile consists of Celestia, Anonymous, two guards, and a maid.
  1289. >Luna locks herself in her en suite for the rest of the night sobbing her eyes out until she returns to her regular colour.
  1290. >Celestia tries to cheer her up the following morning by giving Luna cake.
  1291. >She gives her red velvet.
  1292.  
  1293. ---
  1294.  
  1295. "That's absolutely not nice of Anon. He really should make up with her"
  1296. - Anonymous
  1297.  
  1298. >Anon apologises to Luna with a hand-wrapped gift. He even dressed it in black wrapping paper and midnight blue ribbon to cheer her up.
  1299. >She gently takes it with a tearful smile and feels its edges.
  1300. >"A... a book?" She sniffs, "Th-thank you..."
  1301. >The Princess carefully removes the paper and stares at her new treasure.
  1302. >She stares.
  1303. >And stares.
  1304. >And stares.
  1305. >Then looks up at you, lost.
  1306. >Celestia now stands at your shoulder, and you're both looking down on Luna with small, patient smiles.
  1307. >"Why?" Luna whispers.
  1308. "Thought you might like it," you whisper back.
  1309. >She faints, her brand new copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog's Colouring and Activity Book falling to the floor dramatically.
  1310.  
  1311. ---
  1312.  
  1313. "Bloody hell, Anon, that's not how you do it, you are making it worse"
  1314. - Anonymous
  1315.  
  1316. >Valentine's Day
  1317. >To prove that you're sorry, you decide to show Luna how much you appreciate her.
  1318. >You and Celestia spend two weeks secretly gathering cards and gifts from all over Equestria from ponies that adore her (plus a certain human).
  1319. >The two of you steal into Luna's room whilst she's asleep and fill it with gifts and cards so that she'll see them when she stirs and know how much you all love her.
  1320. >Then, you both hide outside her bedroom before she wakes up.
  1321. >At first you think everything's going to be fine, but you hear a furious, guttural howl instead.
  1322. >Poke your heads around the door to see Luna, still wearing her nightcap and crescent-moon pyjamas, glaring at you and Celestia with nothing short of unmitigated hatred.
  1323. >She sits partly-submerged in an ocean of red love-hearts, red cards, red chocolate boxes, and red rose petals.
  1324. >A huge "We Love You Luna!" banner hangs from her wall. Red, of course.
  1325. >You wish you could say it was intentional, but this time you and Celestia really were trying to cheer her up.
  1326. >After hurling yourself onto Celestia's back and yelling in her ear "ride, Shadowfax!", the two of you make your escape down a long corridor with the Princess of the Night (still wearing her pyjamas) thundering after you, launching bolts of ebon death in your direction and screaming bloody murder.
  1327.  
  1328. ---
  1329.  
  1330. "Both Anon and Celestia need to actually make up with her. And teach her to stop [hating] red so much."
  1331. - Anonymous
  1332.  
  1333. >You decide to sit Luna down one day and do some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
  1334. >Obviously you're not a clinical psychologist, so you have no idea what you're talking about, but Celestia seems to think you're the man for the job since you look damned good in tweed.
  1335. >You sit across from Luna with a few cards and a 'mystery box' in your arsenal.
  1336. >She scowls at you. She used to offer shy smiles, but then you became best friends with her sister and it was all downhill from there.
  1337. >Clear your throat in as sophisticated a manner as you can, then begin.
  1338. "Alright, Luna, I want you to look at this card."
  1339. >You show her a blue card.
  1340. >"...It's blue," she states.
  1341. "Very good. That means you're probably not blind."
  1342. >You truly don't have any idea what you're doing.
  1343. "Now, what about this card?"
  1344. >It's a picture of a house.
  1345. >"Just a regular house, I suppose."
  1346. "Mm, quite."
  1347. >You make a few notes on your pad, and by that I mean you draw a stick figure interpretation of you riding Celestia into battle and shooting a magic wand at goblins.
  1348. "And how does it make you -feel-," you continue.
  1349. >"I feel like I'm looking at a house," she deadpans.
  1350. "Good, that's the appropriate reaction, well done. Do you like the house?"
  1351. >"I suppose?"
  1352. >You take a coloured crayon and scribble on the card.
  1353. "The house is now red. Do you still like the house?"
  1354. >"I... would prefer that it wasn't red, but otherwise, sure, I can see myself liking the house."
  1355. "So you would live in a red house?"
  1356. >"No, I -wouldn't- live in the house, but I can appreciate the non-red aspects of it."
  1357. "But if you found yourself living in a house that happened to be red, you would be fine?"
  1358. >"I wouldn't -live- in a red house, Anonymous."
  1359. "Mm. Hmm. I see."
  1360. >You rub your chin thoughtfully, then tent your fingers and point them at the Princess.
  1361. "Suppose I told you that whilst we've been speaking, Celestia went into your bedroom and painted everything red. How would you feel about that?"
  1362. >She stares at you, stock still.
  1363. "Purely hypothetical, of course; we would never do that to you."
  1364. >Over Luna's shoulder, out the corner of your eye, you see Celestia emerge from Luna's bedroom with a huge red-smeared tin, the handle gripped in her teeth, giant splotches of red smeared all over her coat.
  1365. >She catches your eye and nods eagerly, dollops of paint sloshing over the rim of the lid before she tip-toes away from the scene as quietly as a giant horse can.
  1366. >"I... I would be... very upset," she says cautiously.
  1367. "And what if I told you that the only way for you to overcome your staggering anger issues regarding the colour red... was for you to live among it for long enough for you to become accustomed?" Her expression is darkening by the second, so you hastily pull the object out of your mystery box. "T-to that end, would you like to try wearing this red scarf for the day to see how you like it...?"
  1368. >Luna's eyes narrow, and you feel a bead of sweat roll down your forehead.
  1369. >She slowly stands from the table, and trots to her bedroom.
  1370. "L-Luna, ah, maybe don't go in there yet--" you call after her.
  1371. >She kicks open her door and stares through the doorframe at the crimson terror you had wrought.
  1372. >Well, really it was Celestia, so your hands are clean.
  1373. >Luna turns back to you, glacially; intentions of carnage and suffering clear in her eyes.
  1374. >You wet your lips and realise that she's probably not going to care who did it so long as she gets to vent.
  1375. >The mare paws one hard, steel-shod hoof against the marble floor as she fixates on you.
  1376. >It chimes out, like a clock declaring that midnight has come.
  1377. >And indeed it has, for on the twelfth strike she launches herself towards you like a keening banshee.
  1378. >Your mind goes into auto-pilot, and as the table you were sat at is obliterated by the freight-train Princess hunting your blood, you find yourself ducking and weaving around her, desperately trying to drape the red scarf over her shoulders as she passes.
  1379. "Luna really I think if you'll just try it!--"
  1380. >"Shut up! Shut! Up! SHUT! UP!" She seems peeved, to put it mildly.
  1381. >Luna charges in wide arcs around the room, intent on goring you with her horn with each pass, and you side-step her at the last minute every time with a flourish from your red scarf.
  1382. >At some point you inadvertently yell "Olé!"
  1383. >It goes on for a while until Luna is exhausted and crumples to the floor a whimpering wreck.
  1384. >You drop to your knees beside her, gently tying the scarf around her shoulders.
  1385. "Th-there," you gasp, lungs burning, "it... suits you. You look... pretty cute in it..."
  1386. >Luna's chest heaves, and she's hesitant with her answer.
  1387. >"You... think I look cute...?"
  1388. >You give her ass a meaty slap, not really caring how hard you do it so long as it's done, your vision still spotty from the exertion.
  1389. "Hell yeah you're cute, you whack-ass space-horse."
  1390. >You lie with your back against her barrel, using her as a pillow and trying not to pass out from the unwarranted exercise.
  1391. >She doesn't complain, and is content to let you stay there as she catches her breath, still wearing her red scarf.
  1392.  
  1393. >It becomes something she wears quite often, and when quizzed says "well I had nothing else to wear, and I don't hate it."
  1394. >Ultimately, she finds that blood moons aren't so bad, anymore.
  1395.  
  1396. ---
  1397.  
  1398. ">anon, all you've done since getting here is sexually harass every mare by staring at their delicates in town while awkwardly holding your crotch shouting "NUH UH NUH UH NUH UH" when accused of having a boner"
  1399. ">get a fucking job already"
  1400. - A prompt thread, and a lazy one at that. Back in my day prompt threads used to mean something. And by "something" I mean "bans", since they were banned at the time.
  1401.  
  1402. "I can get my boss on the horn if you'd like."
  1403. >"Your boss on the... what? Stop making things up, Anon, you don't have a boss."
  1404. "Ugh, I knew you'd make this an issue. Fine."
  1405. >You reach forward and flick Twilight's horn a few times.
  1406. >She yelps and moves to stop you, but you get her in a headlock and grip her horn in a tight fist.
  1407. >The pony writhes and bats at you with her hooves, wings flapping desperately to get away.
  1408. >Being such a weak, bookish pony without access to her magic, she can do nothing.
  1409. >You flick the horn again, then grip it once more, this time twisting it in place as Twilight tries to yank her head back through your arm.
  1410. >The horn turns in your hand with a series of subtle clicks, and Twilight freezes.
  1411. >"Wh-- did you just -turn- my horn?!"
  1412. "Yeah, now shut up for a minute."
  1413. >You turn it a few more times like a dial, and after a few seconds of lingering silence, a shrill ringing can be heard bouncing off the walls of the Friendship Castle's throne room. Twilight's horn vibrates with each ring, the mare visibly unsettled by this.
  1414. >She blinks in mute shock.
  1415. >"I-I can feel it shaking my skull--"
  1416. "Shh."
  1417. >"The ringing abruptly cuts off, and a tinny voice crackles into existence, echoing around the room.
  1418. >' Hello? '
  1419. "Hi, Celestia? It's Anon, you're on loudspeaker."
  1420. >' Oh, Anon, whatever can I do for you? '
  1421. "Got Twilight here, she doesn't believe me when I say I've got a job staring at ponies' junk."
  1422. >' Ah, alright then. Twilight, dear? Are you there? '
  1423. >Twilight doesn't answer for a while, she's staring ahead at nothing, trying to form words.
  1424. >"Pr... Princess?" she finally blurts out.
  1425. >' Hello Twilight. Yes, Anonymous is the Royal Crotch Wellness Inspector. I tasked him with making sure that the residents of Ponyville are cleaning themselves properly, as I often receive reports from the Tourism Board that visitors to Ponyville remark on the lingering smell the townsfolk carry around with them. I heard from Rarity when I visited there myself the other month that she and a hoofful of others are really the only mares in town that properly wash themselves back there, and I'm afraid you were singled out as one of the worst mares in Ponyville for not frequently washing yourself. When was the last time you had a bath or a shower?"
  1426. >Twilight is mortified, but years of conditioning cause her to answer her teacher truthfully before she can really stop herself.
  1427. >"T-two weeks ago."
  1428. >' Twilight...' The disappointment in Celestia's voice is palpable. ' A mare must wash herself every day to prevent the build-up of muck and other horrible substances, it's basic hygiene! You had a problem with this when you were studying under me, and I had hoped you'd learnt your lesson but you seem to have reverted now that you're living out there. Please promise me you'll wash, and that you'll leave Anonymous alone whilst he carries out his royal duties. On that note, Anonymous? '
  1429. "Yes, your maj?"
  1430. >' You might as well deliver your report now. '
  1431. "Things are getting better. I sat down with the Mayor to talk about a public awareness campaign and we'll be hashing that out over dinner on Thursday. Should do a lot to promote cleanliness around here."
  1432. >' Very good. I appreciate you being so proactive. I'll expect another report in two weeks, but I'm sure you won't forget. Thank you again, Anonymous. '
  1433. "No problemo, Celly-bean."
  1434. >A loud click sounds, and Twilight's horn snaps back into its normal position.
  1435. >She staggers back as you release her from the headlock, and shakes her head a few times.
  1436. >The little alicorn gawks at you, not sure what to say.
  1437. "Just in case I need to spell it out: take a fucking shower, Twilight, you're stinking the place up. Even Starlight smells better than you and she's the literal worst."
  1438. >Twilight nods dumbly and canters from the room, making a beeline for her shower.
  1439.  
  1440. The End.

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