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[FLUTTERRAPE] Thread Shorts Volume 7

By Nebulus
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-06-20 18:49:13
Expiry: Never
anonnsfwcomedy/flutterrape/various characters

  1. 20,000 words of shorts. This is getting out of hand.
  2.  
  3. If you would like a short to be written and added to the next Flutterrape Thread Shorts Archive, please call 0800 858 008 and ask for 'Elanor Mackelmore', but not between 12:00 and 1:00 because that's when she takes her lunch, and not on Fridays because she's off work doing god-knows what at the community centre - I don't ask questions and neither should you. Please have your credit or debit card to hand so that we can take payment. Shorts start at $15.00, prices may vary depending on current caffeine-blood content and/or horniness.
  4.  
  5. If your call is redirected to Equestria and you hear heavy breathing on the line, hang up immediately and make plans to stay with a trusted friend or relative, as it is likely that you'll only have 24 hours to get to safety before you are found. If the heavy breathing was interspersed with murmurings of "party", then you'll instead have 6 hours, and may God be with you.
  6.  
  7. ---
  8.  
  9. "what's with the dearth of AJ greens. is she tough to write or legitimately overlooked"
  10. - Anonymous
  11.  
  12. "Getting sick of all this, Thunderlane," you say to your companion outside a bar on Saturday. He snorts.
  13. >"You're exaggerating."
  14. "Like hell I am, I've been accosted literally every day this week."
  15. >"Bull."
  16. "Think so? Try me."
  17. >"Monday."
  18. "Twilight jumps me when I'm collecting the morning paper, I have to swat her with said paper until she gets off me. The only way I can get her to stay away is by threatening to set my own book collection on fire."
  19. >"Alright. Tuesday."
  20. "Tuesday. Rarity corners me at the market. I end up walking home shirtless as she literally tore the clothes off my back in an effort to 'study them'."
  21. >"That could just be explained as aggressive market research, you know how seriously she takes her business."
  22. "Licking my belly isn't research, Thunderlane."
  23. >"Fair point. Wednesday?"
  24. "I'm pouring a bowl of cereal but instead of oat-based deliciousness there was only Pinkie Pie."
  25. >"Pinkie is kinda delicious though, not gonna lie."
  26. "Maybe to other horses, but I'm a man of God and I don't abide pony-flavoured breakfast. I had to whack her on the head with my spoon to get her to stop hugging me."
  27. >He sips his drink, a vacant look in his eye.
  28. "Stop thinking about Pinkie Pie." He shakes his head as if coming out of a daze.
  29. >"Sorry. So, Thursday."
  30. "Rainbow Dash breaks into my house through my bathroom window."
  31. >"Brazen."
  32. "Whilst I was in the shower."
  33. >"Twenty percent brazener."
  34. "I have t--"
  35. >You shoot him a dirty look; he grins.
  36. "I have to fight her off whilst naked and sopping wet. She's laughing the entire time and won't stop yelling "mortal combat". Honestly I think she forgot about molesting me half-way through because eventually we were just punching the hell of each other."
  37. >"That explains your shiner, then."
  38. >You rub your black eye and grunt.
  39. "Surprised you didn't bring it up beforehand."
  40. >"Didn't seem polite, I figured you'd tell me in your own time."
  41. "Thanks, Thunder."
  42. >"Friday?"
  43. "Fluttershy."
  44. >"Fluttershy Fridays. Has a nice ring to it. I figure it was the same as usual for her?"
  45. "Yep. On my doorstep eight o'clock sharp, wanted to see if cock and ball torture was my fetish."
  46. >"How did that pan out?"
  47. "She used a feather duster to tickle a rooster and a bowling ball. The rooster couldn't handle it but the ball took it like a champ."
  48. >"Yeah, bowling balls are tough as hell."
  49. "So that was my week. Five straight days of aggravation. Next week they'll all try again, no doubt."
  50. >Thunderlane frowns and tilts his head.
  51. >"That's only five days, wouldn't there one more?"
  52. "What for?"
  53. >"For today. What about Apple...jack..." he trails off, seeing something behind you.
  54. >...
  55. >Oh no.
  56. >Your hand tightens around the mug you were holding. Thunderlane's eyes widen, and he backs away from the table, his drink forgotten.
  57. "Thunder."
  58. >"Anon."
  59. "She's..." you jerk your head back, not willing to look.
  60. >He nods once, jaw set. The other patrons are evacuating, casting fearful glances at whatever Thunderlane had seen.
  61. >You lift your trembling mug to your lips and take a sip. Possibly your last for some time.
  62. >"I-I'm sorry, she--"
  63. "Just go. I'll handle it," you're surprised by how confident you sound.
  64. >You turn in your seat, expression grim.
  65. >At the entrance to the small table area stands the mare herself. She lifts her hat and smirks. She knows she's got you cornered.
  66. "On a weekend, Applejack?"
  67. >"Farmers don't take days off, Anon."
  68. "Figures."
  69. >"Forget about me, didn't'cha?"
  70. "Can you blame me? You never do anything like this."
  71. >"Course not. The others can mosey around doin' Celestia knows what, but I ain't got time to waste durin' the week. In fact, I gotta get back Sweet Apple Acres in the next hour, so we'd better make this quick."
  72. "And if I resist?"
  73. >"Partner, I really hope you do."
  74. >You use the interlude to swallow down the rest of your drink and wipe your mouth on the back of your sleeve as you stand.
  75. >Applejack's smirk twists into a toothy grin.
  76. >"I'll give you a minute to get limbered up."
  77. "You're too kind."
  78. >"Heard from Dash you got in a tussle. Looks like she won."
  79. "I like to think I got a few good hits in as well."
  80. >"Glad to hear it, I like my stallions with a bit of fight in 'em."
  81. >You fixate on her unblinking emerald eyes. She licks her lips and lowers herself, muscles coiling beneath her fur.
  82. "Shame about all this," you pluck the empty mug from the table, "it was looking to be a nice Saturday."
  83. >She opens her mouth to retort, but you've already hurled the mug at her.
  84. >The mare leaps to the side and bolts forward, manic glee written across her face.
  85. >You swing a foot at her head. The mare parries with a hoof, the jarring impact vibrating up your leg.
  86. >She forces herself past your reach and guard, powerful legs launching her off the floor and into your chest.
  87. >Firm hooves grip you and, in a way, you already know it's over.
  88. >A desperate flurry of punches to the mare's back draws a grunt with each strike, but she holds firm.
  89. >Applejack squeezes, the air forced from your lungs.
  90. >You look to the bar, desperate for salvation. Thunderlane and the other patrons watch from the window inside, horror clear on their faces at seeing your much-vaunted strength and reach overcome so easily.
  91. >The farmer growls and, with a final clench that forces the air out of you, one of your ribs gives with a dull crack and a lance of pain.
  92. >You drop to your knees, gasping. Applejack leaps off for but an instant, then bucks you in the chest.
  93. >Spots and stars flash before your eyes, the ground adding to the concussive nausea, the sky above mocking you with its serenity.
  94. >Applejack stands over you, smiling down at her catch.
  95. >"So, here's what we're gonna do, partner." She removes her hat and plops it on your head, then pulls the bands out of her mane, shaking herself to release her dusty golden locks. "I'm gonna ride you like a rodeo bull, and milk you like a prized cow."
  96. "If-- if you're so into bovines, why not stay on the farm and help yourself there?" you spit.
  97. >She leans her head next to your ear.
  98. >"Who said I haven't already?" she whispers, then gives a throaty chuckle at your disgusted expression. "Aww, I'm just pullin' your leg. Don't worry, Anon, I'll be gentler than Dash, but remember that this'll be a marathon, not a sprint. We've got a whole hour to kill, after all. Ready?"
  99. "Go to hell."
  100. >"Be hard doin' that when you're busy takin' me to heaven."
  101.  
  102. >It's a rough hour.
  103. >More than anything else, you're just surprised she didn't say "yee haw" a single time during it.
  104.  
  105. ---
  106.  
  107. "Interested to now see a street fighter tournament of Anon going through arcade mode defeating each pone that's gunning for his junk to get them to leave him alone. Maybe Celestia is the unfair final boss character."
  108. - Anonymous, in reference to the previous short
  109.  
  110. >The throne room doors slam against the walls.
  111. >You stride through them and past the momentarily stunned guards.
  112. >They swiftly rally and round on you, spears suddenly inches from your neck.
  113. >You stop out of mere courtesy, and glare ahead at the figure lounging on the throne.
  114. >Celestia rises from her seat. She regards you dispassionately.
  115. >"Stand down, guards. I've been expecting him."
  116. >They do so, and you march on without sparing them a look.
  117. >You come to the foot of the dais and glower up at the Princess.
  118. >She holds your gaze, a shadow of a smirk breathing past her otherwise flawless mask.
  119. >"I suppose congratulations are in order."
  120. "Something like that, yeah."
  121. >"That you're standing here now tells me that the Elements were not enough to stop you."
  122. "Stop me from doing what, living my life? All I ever wanted was to eat my paper and read my damned cereal."
  123. >"You got that backwards."
  124. Your eyes narrow. "I'm a bit tired, as I'm sure you can appreciate."
  125. >"I can," she makes no effort to hide her smile now. "Am I to assume by your tense posture and impotent glaring that you intend to tick me off your list as well?"
  126. "It's not 'ticking a list', Celestia, it's about settling a score. You sicced your band of incompetent so-called heroes on me-- and I know it was you, too, don't try to deny it."
  127. >She holds a hoof over her chest and gasps. "Me? Oh but I would never do such a thing," she grins. "Yes, I thought it would do well for you to make a few new friends and put Twilight up to the task. I can hardly be blamed for her more physical approach, but I was always proud of her ability to push new frontiers."
  128. "She stole all my clothes and hid my housekeys from me."
  129. >"She's a pony who understands what motivates others. A fine quality in a future leader."
  130. >You make a disgusted noise in the back of your throat.
  131. "Alright, well before I was just gonna slap you and be done with it, but now I'm gonna beat the hell out of you."
  132. >"Truly? Anonymous, you tease," she winks.
  133. "This isn't a game, Celestia. I fought each Element of Harmony in honourable combat and prevailed over all of them. It was hard fought, and they all had their own tricks, but I still won through sheer will." She continues to grin that insufferable grin. "Your sister couldn't stop me either."
  134. >It vanishes. Her expression hardens. Did you make a mistake?
  135. >"Anonymous," all mirth from her voice is gone. She takes a single step towards you, and the hairs rise on the backs of your arms. "Did you lay a hoof on my sister?"
  136. >You force down the urge to back away from the advancing Princess and hold your ground, finding your voice.
  137. "Maybe not at first, but she became part of plan. She had to go down as well. In fact, I've just come from her bedroom. It was close, but I still beat her. I might have made a mess of the décor by tossing her around so much."
  138. >Celestia's eyes bore into you, her lip curling into a sneer.
  139. >"Then this is a bit more personal now, isn't it."
  140. "It became personal the moment Twilight tried to stab my prostate with a magic shlong. Luna was fair game, as far as I can see."
  141. >Celestia stands a dozen steps from you now.
  142. >"Leave us," she calls to the guards, and with a nod they march from the room.
  143. >The slam of the doors echoes around the high chamber. You're on your own.
  144. "You have no right to be angry. You threw the first stone."
  145. >"I'll throw a lot more than that if you're not lying about hurting Luna. Or was I wrong? Did I mishear you? There may yet be a chance for you to walk away from this unscathed." She looks at you expectantly.
  146. >Through gritted teeth you spit your answer.
  147. "She went down like an old mule."
  148. >Celestia's mane ignites.
  149. >Where there was once a gentle aurora, an inferno wreathes her head.
  150. >The pastel banners of Equestria hanging from the walls wrinkle and turn to ash, and the flower arrangements by the windows and throne wilt in an instant. Stray fibres on your clothes smoulder.
  151. >You undo your top button and loosen your tie, both from the sudden flash of heat and in preparation for what's coming.
  152. >Your opponent snarls, the last ghosts of civility banished.
  153. "When I beat you," she narrows her eyes, "this ends. The Elements go back to their day jobs. Luna gets out of my dreams. You end this madness once and for all."
  154. >"When you fall, I will claim you as my own. Perhaps I shall even share you with Luna to make up for what you did to her."
  155. "I'd have thought you above mere lust."
  156. >"This is no longer about lust. It's about revenge."
  157. >You crack your knuckles and neck.
  158. "I could say the same."
  159. >A pregnant pause hangs between you both, the electric tension in the air so thick it practically tingles your nose hairs.
  160. >Celestia twitches, and you lunge.
  161. >You bring back a fist and take aim at her face, a guttural roar forcing its way out of you.
  162. >And then, you stop. Rather abruptly.
  163. >You hang slightly off the ground, suspended in a golden aura.
  164. >Your eyes dart this way and that, your head unable to move.
  165. >You expect a blow. Nothing comes.
  166. >Celestia purses her lips, her previous grin breaking out again.
  167. >She snickers, and all tension evaporates.
  168. >"Oh come on, Anon, you didn't seriously think you had a hope in Tartarus."
  169. "I'll... beat this..." you manage to blurt, straining against her grip. It's like trying to push a mountain with your bare hands.
  170. >"Go ahead then."
  171. >She relinquishes her hold on you, and you leap at her once more to take first blood-- aaand you're levitating.
  172. >Celesita succumbs to a very unprincessly fit of giggling.
  173. >"You have such a serious look on your face! Oh that's hilarious, I love this!"
  174. >She chuckles, her mane returning to its cheerful glow and the temperature in the room dropping to a safe level. She trots through the doors and into the hallway, carrying you alongside her and chatting away like you're an old friend.
  175. >"That was a hoot... Anyway, let's go back to my room."
  176. "Wh-what--"
  177. >"Have you ever been to Day Court? Horrible business, and I have to do it every day, even on Sundays! Suffice to say, I'm bored and horny. You're going to help me with that."
  178. "B-but the fight--"
  179. >"There was never going to be a fight, Anon. You knew deep down there wouldn't be, really now."
  180. "But, Luna!"
  181. >At that moment, Princess Luna rounds a corner, chewing on an apple and regarding a book on 100 Facts About Chimpanzees with mild interest, apparently no worse for wear.
  182. >"Hey, Tia. Hey, Anon. Go easy on him, Tia. Good luck, Anon." she says airily in passing.
  183. >You watch her go, despair taking hold.
  184. >"'No longer about lust'," Celestia chuckles to herself. "Sometimes I tickle myself," she casts you a warm look.
  185. "Y-you'll go easy on me, right? This was hardly fair."
  186. >"Ohh, Anon," Celestia coos. "Oohh, the things I'm going to do to you."
  187.  
  188. ---
  189.  
  190. "Maybe he forgot Neb only does Maud lewds."
  191. - Anonymous, regarding another Anon being disappointed with the previous short, but still being wrong
  192.  
  193. >"Please guard the stairwell for the next two hours," the Princess instructs the guards posted outside her bedroom.
  194. >She trots through the door, a spring to her step and humming as she goes.
  195. >You follow, or more accurately are forced to follow, still hovering in the golden field, unable to find purchase on the ground despite your wriggling.
  196. >"There we are," the door shuts after you with a firm click.
  197. >The world spins momentarily, and you drop onto Celestia's spacious bed.
  198. >You scramble away from your captor, your back coming to rest against the headboard.
  199. >"Still think you can get away?" her mellifluous laughter is muted by the thick stone walls. The lack of an echo makes the room seem smaller. Your sense of isolation deepens.
  200. "Look, we can just agree to stay out of each other's way, can't we?" You struggle to control your wavering voice. "Surely we can come to agreement that doesn't involve this!"
  201. >"But why would I want to do that?"
  202. "Because it's wrong, plus, you're a princess, don't you have an image to maintain?"
  203. >"Of course I do, which I why I brought you up here and didn't simply take you in the throne room. Even if we -were- alone there, sound carries in places with high ceilings, especially moaning," she bobs her eyebrows suggestively.
  204. "And what about when I tell the press about what you've done?"
  205. >"The press? Anonymous, why would the press report on anything the palace doesn't want them to?"
  206. >You gulp, and your eyes dart around the room, there must be something in here you can use, anything! A distraction, a weapon, even a window to throw yourself out of.
  207. >You can't allow your well-guarded virginity to be taken from you, not now, not when you're so close to unlocking your wizard powers!
  208. >The bed shifts, and your head snaps to find Celestia sliding next to you, lying on her side. Her every movement betrays her intentions.
  209. >"Comfortable? Or perhaps you were looking for a means of escape?"
  210. >You edge away, simply being near her is to stand before a fire.
  211. >She grins and closes the gap, overextending and pressing her chest against your right arm, her mouth inches from your ear.
  212. >A faint glow binds your lower half, preventing further movement, and the heat on your arm is like harsh sunlight on bare skin, even through your jacket.
  213. >"Mm, this is cosy, no?" she murmurs.
  214. "Celestia--"
  215. >"Tia, please. Though, where you're going, you won't be speaking much," she titters softly.
  216. >She rubs her hind legs together, grinding them in ponderous circles. A soft moan escapes as she does so, the tantalising smell of mint and chamomile on her breath. The smell and the heat is overpowering, your internal roar to flee fading into the back of your mind.
  217. >"It's been such a long time since a stallion attended to me. Perhaps you would you be so kind, Anon?"
  218. >The glow envelops your left hand, and she places it on her barrel, dragging your palm down her body at a glacial pace.
  219. >She coos at your coerced touch. Your fingers press into her pristine coat and the contours of her Amazonian physique, the unexpected firmness telling stories of her strength, always there is the heat, and it only intensifies with your touch. She allows your hand to leave and leans in.
  220. >"I'm glad you overcame your little trial," she whispers an hair's width from your face. "This way, I can have you all to myself. Would you like that? To be mine?"
  221. >You can't answer. She closes the gap.
  222. >Velvet softness traces along your jawline, your heart leaping with each tender peck.
  223. >Like her magic, her heat envelops you, your mind awash in the heady scent of her tealeaf breath and earthen sex.
  224. >She lingers at her goal, body stretched across you, your chests pressed together.
  225. >"Enjoy this," her mouth barely moves for her sotto voce words, as though noise will break the spell. "Enjoy me."
  226. >Hesitation gives way to indulgence. Her magenta gaze closes to savour the moment your lips meet.
  227. >Her motions belie her prior bravado.
  228. >She breathes into the kiss, a slight tremble taking hold of her.
  229. >Her hooves worm around your midsection and she plants her body the rest of the way onto you, her barrel atop your lap, with her hind legs spread either side of your own.
  230. >Bewitched, you follow her lead. The instinct to escape now a distant echo.
  231. >Each drift in direction is matched, each murmur answered with a murmur.
  232. >Breath mixes, cheeks flush.
  233. >She dares to venture with her tongue, finding yours, and they writhe together in silence punctuated only by sultry gasps and wordless sounds.
  234. >Bodies pressed together, you feel her heart beat with yours.
  235. >She draws away, just far enough to break the lock.
  236. >"Say my name," she pants.
  237. "Tia,"
  238. >She squeezes you closer to her, delving again into your embrace.
  239. >Her magic has long since faded. She won't need it anymore.
  240. >Your arms venture behind her neck, hands groping and feeling the taut muscles and the faint dampness building on her coat.
  241. >No matter where you touch, the heat is ever present, like her blood is on fire.
  242. >Another shift; she straddles but one of your legs.
  243. >The mare pushes her body back, then drags it forward.
  244. >As she does, hot moisture seeps through the fabric of your pants and she loosens a vibrating gasp.
  245. >She does it again, and her voice trembles.
  246. >"I," Celestia shakes with another motion.
  247. >You each pull away, attentions locked to one another.
  248. >"Lie with me? Please?"
  249. >Wordlessly, you pull her to the side, laying the mare on her back.
  250. >Her mane is chaos behind her, spread across the pillows in an aurora lake.
  251. >Hooves pulled against her chest fidget, and oceanic eyes search your face for intent. She's allowing herself to be put at her most vulnerable for you.
  252. >You reach for your belt, not willing to look away from the divine beauty at your fingertips for even a moment.
  253. >"Wait," you freeze.
  254. >She wets her lips, eyes clouded with uncertainty.
  255. >"Just one... one thing, before we go on."
  256. >You need not speak, your focus is singular.
  257. >"I feel like a damned fool, but, it's been so long, and the nights get so... lonely. Could... you hold me close? Promise not to let go for even a moment? Make me feel safe?" Tears well. "Could... you pretend that you love me?"
  258. >A hand cups her cheek, you lean in with a whisper.
  259. "I won't need to pretend."
  260. >Just then, the bedroom door is thrown open to the sound of rock music.
  261. >You jerk your head back and stare at it in shock.
  262. >"You!" Celestia sits up and glares at the newcomer.
  263. >"Me," says Maud Pie with characteristic flatness. "Now get off my man," she intones with all the excitement of a cardboard salad.
  264. >Celestia's horn flares, but Maud disappears in a muddy-grey blur.
  265. "She-- she's fast!"
  266. >An invisible force hurls you from the bed, and you turn from your new position on the floor in time to see the still-sitting Celestia pummelled further into the mattress by a single crushing blow from the re-materialised Maud.
  267. >She does not get back up; a drawn-out groan her only response.
  268. >Maud stares down at her adversary.
  269. >"There can only be one," she remarks with as much energy as a glass of water.
  270. >She hops down from the bed, looking at your bewildered expression the same way a cow looks at an oncoming train.
  271. >"I hope I was not too late. I got here as fast as I could."
  272. >You release the breath you didn't know you were holding and run a hand through your hair.
  273. "Thanks-- thanks for the save, Maud. I... nearly did something I'd have regretted."
  274. >She helps you to your feet, noting your unbuckled belt.
  275. >"It is a good thing you wear clothes, otherwise there would have been nothing to stop it."
  276. "Yeah, this belt has saved my ass more times than I can count by this point."
  277. >"You should not own an ass. Slavery is illegal in Equestria."
  278. >She holds your gaze unblinkingly, regarding you with an expression with the same aura as damp newspaper.
  279. >"Unless you want to own me. I would like to be your slave."
  280. "...We should probably leave before the guards show up, Maud."
  281. >"Okay."
  282.  
  283. >One month later, it's your 30th birthday, and you awaken thrumming with arcane might.
  284. >Thanks, Maud.
  285.  
  286. ---
  287.  
  288. "Not a mare but probably Gilda."
  289. Anonymous, in response to a post asking about the least-written FR characters
  290.  
  291. >"Wow, Anon! I can't believe Princess Celestia sent us both on a diplomatic mission to Griffonstone in order to build closer ties with the griffons and learn more about their culture!"
  292. >Twilight beams at you.
  293. >The rhythmic clattering of the train's wheels overlaps the hanging silence between you both.
  294. >You stare back at her, your expression troubled.
  295. "Are you... are you alright, Twilight?"
  296. >"Sure am! Why wouldn't I be?"
  297. "Twi, you've been completely silent for the last two hours."
  298. >"And?"
  299. "...So then what the hell prompted--"
  300. >The train lurches and you nearly go flying off your seat.
  301. >"Hey look, we're here!"
  302.  
  303. *
  304.  
  305. >"Wow, Anon! I can't believe how much of a dump this place is! To think that it was once such a beautiful city!"
  306. >Your chest heaves, a shaking hand wiping your sweat-soaked forehead. You spare a glance at the dishevelled entrance to the city.
  307. >Twilight is no worse for wear, having used her wings to fly up the mountain.
  308. >You, on the other hand, are not so blessed - or cursed, depending on your inclination.
  309. "What... what is -wrong- with you today?" you gasp.
  310. >"The city state of Griffonstone," she ignores you. "Once, it was a jewel in this part of the world. Did you know that the loss of their most treasured relic - the Idol of Boreas - is what led to the collapse of their proud civilisation, and is directly responsible for the state of destitution it exists in today?"
  311. >You extend a hand and stroke her face. Her plastic smile doesn't fade even slightly as you stare into her distant eyes.
  312. "Twi, I'm getting really worried about you, have you been taking your medication like the doctor said--"
  313. >"Hey!" a harsh shout interrupts you.
  314. >A figure slams into the hay-speckled ground beside you both, all beak and talons and apparently indignation.
  315. >"Who said you could just walk on in here?" demands the griffon.
  316. "I, uhh," you look to Twilight, who's still staring into space, smiling. "I'm Anon, and this is Twilight Sparkle--"
  317. >"I didn't ask -who- you were, dweeb, I said who gave you permission to trespass in our city!"
  318. >Her beak is inches from your face, though she does need to stretch herself to reach chin level.
  319. "We've been sent by Princess Celestia to act as envoys for Equestria, hasn't your leader been informed?"
  320. >"Leader? We don't have a leader. And I don't care if Princess Whoever sent you," a sharp digit jabs your chest, "we don't want any tourists, so get out!"
  321. "What-- look, could I at least have your name first?"
  322. >"I'm not telling some two-legged freak my name." She scowls at you, eyes darting all over you. "How are you not falling over anyway? Griffins, and I guess ponies too, need four legs to balance."
  323. "Well, if you let us in I could tell you all about it."
  324. >She snorts and appears to think it over for a moment.
  325. >"Alright, maybe I could let you in, just as a one-off..." she glances off to the side before giving you a sly grin, "but it'll cost you some bits."
  326.  
  327. *
  328.  
  329. >It cost more than a few.
  330. "You have a lovely... home."
  331. >She only has two full walls remaining, so it's really more of a corner. The roof, if it ever existed at all, is gone, open sky all around you letting the griffon's nosier neighbours glare in at you from their own barely-standing houses.
  332. >Every window frame has been scoured of glass, and being this high on the mountain the drafts cut right through you.
  333. >You withdraw deeper into your jacket, thankful for the wind-resistant mesh Rarity hooked you up with.
  334. >The griffon wanders back into the main room from beyond what was once a partition wall.
  335. >It too had been reduced to a mere shin-high barrier, but the griffon still drifted around it like it was a formality to do so.
  336. >You sit cross-legged before a table - probably the only fully intact piece of furniture in the entire city.
  337. >She sets a tray of creamy-yellow cakes down as though they were made of thin glass. A cloying scent drifts from them, and your stomach gurgles. The griffon notices and smiles for the first time.
  338. >"You like? Griffon Scones, old family recipe. Try one, you'll love it."
  339. >You take one, albeit tentatively, and venture a bite.
  340. >The firm outer shell gives way to a fluffy middle, delicate on the tongue and bursting with moist sweetness. You wolf the whole thing down in two bites, and the griffon's smile broadens.
  341. >"See? Said they'd be good. Will she want one?"
  342. >You both glance at Twilight, who stands rigidly next to you, still frozen in a sort of vacant serenity.
  343. >"Griffon scones are a delicacy found in Griffonstone!" she chirps. "Milk, eggs, caster sugar, butter, salt, and of course self-raising flour, they are a must-have for any traveller to the Griffon's home state!"
  344. >You turn back to your host.
  345. "She'll... be fine, thanks."
  346. >The griffon shrugs and seats herself across from you.
  347. >"So. You've come to Griffonstone, you've breathed the air, seen the peaks, and had the scone," she rolls a claw as she speaks. "You'll be leaving now, right?"
  348. "Oh come on, I was just starting to like it here. I thought we were cool, I even told you about balancing on two legs."
  349. >"Yeah, and that was kinda neat, but that's all I wanted to know. Two bits for the scone, by the way."
  350. >You grumble and stuff a hand into your pocket.
  351. >Then you try the other one.
  352. >You sigh.
  353. "I got nothing left. Twi, you got any bits on you?"
  354. >"In ages past, unicorns used to value gold more than anything else! Many aristocratic mares use to store their coin pouches in their vaginal tracks, both to hide them away from would-be pickpockets and to prevent any unwanted insertions! Rumour has it that members of the Canterlot Elite still practice 'pussy-pouching' to this day, though it's dismissed by many as nothing more than a salacious rumour."
  355. >The griffon's eyes move from Twilight to you, your host as lost for words as you are.
  356. "...I don't think we have any more money on us."
  357. >She huffs, and stands up.
  358. >"Then looks like I'm dragging you outta here. Come on, let's move it, up and at 'em."
  359. "Surely there's -some- way I can pay you? What about stories? Aren't you interested in hearing about where I came from?"
  360. >"You think I care about stories? I get enough of that crap from Uncle Griff. If you want stories, go check out the library."
  361. >She gestures over one of her missing walls, and you note the ruins of what was once a sizeable structure past it. Bits of paper float about on an eddy, and the ravaged remnants of books are scattered all about.
  362. >For once, you're glad Twilight isn't all 'there'.
  363. "What about favours then? Chores? Anything? The Princess was keen to get a report on griffon culture, and we don't want to let her down."
  364. >"Not my problem."
  365. "Come on, man, work with me here! I scratch your back, you scratch mine, you know?"
  366. >At this, she blinks. A claw wanders up and rubs her beak, the griffon lost in thought.
  367. >Cocking her head, she scrutinises your fingers, eyes narrowing.
  368. >"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
  369. "Okay?"
  370. >"Yeah, we'll do that. Scratch my back."
  371. "Alright, perfect! So, what do you want me to do?"
  372. >She frowns.
  373. >"Are you deaf? I said scratch my back."
  374. >Ah.
  375. "That's... oh."
  376. >"You backing out?"
  377. "No no, I can do it, just wasn't expecting you to be so literal."
  378. >She shrugs again. "Uncle Griff once said the simplest answer is always the best." She grunts. "Then again, he also said a silver tongue is worth its weight in gold, so who the heck even knows what his principles are."
  379. >The griffon turns, presenting her back to you.
  380. >You spare another glance at Twilight.
  381. "You gonna get in on this, Twi?"
  382. >"Griffons are aggressively materialistic creatures. When one griffon has something another griffon wants, disputes will inevitably emerge. This is the case for gold, land, even mates!"
  383. >"Right now all I want is for your loud-mouthed idiot to shut up. Think you can do that, too?" your host growls.
  384. "Twi, just... let me handle this and try not to say anything that'll get us assaulted, alright?"
  385. >You shuffle around the table and sit behind the griffon, unsure what to do for a moment before raising your hands.
  386. >Your fingers lightly touch her coat, and her whole body tenses.
  387. >"Go on," she reassures.
  388. >You're doing this for knowledge and diplomacy, Anon. Stay strong.
  389. >You begin by kneading her muscles, your fingers working into the hard fibres under her skin.
  390. >It's easy to appreciate the power at her disposal. Her whole being a predatory blend that your imagination doesn't need to work very hard to envision hunting animals both large and small - perhaps even humans.
  391. >The feline part of her flexes, her body stretching out before you in a familiar manner.
  392. >Her wings unfurl and spread out, coming to rest on the detritus-addled floor.
  393. >"Mph, that's... good. That feels good, keep doing that."
  394. "Don't you people do this yourselves? You have fingers too."
  395. >"We have talons. Ever tried getting a massage from talons? 'Sides, no one around here's gonna do anyone else a favour. We did for a bit after Dash and Pinkie showed up, but it didn't last."
  396. "Dash and... hold on, is your name Gilda?"
  397. >"You know Dash? Yeah, I'm Gilda, I guess. Suppose I should have told you anyway if I was gonna let you do this."
  398. >She groans and you feel a knot of muscle give way, loosening beneath your fingers.
  399. >"Oh wow, that uh, yeah that's nice-- C-cool, I mean. It's cool. Keep going."
  400. >Her leonine tail swishes back and forth.
  401. >You progress from her back to her neck, interested not only by her reactions, but the difference in sensation from her bodily coat to the feathers on her neck and head.
  402. >Short, bristled fur is overtaken by downy feathers, the softness of which is surprising. For such a hardy creature, she's very soft in places.
  403. >Gilda coos, but catches herself and tries to mask it by clearing her throat.
  404. >Movement catches in the corner of your eye.
  405. >You glance to see Twilight still standing where she was, watching you with disassociated interest, but beyond that she doesn't move or say a word.
  406. >But across the street you see griffons.
  407. >They are assembling, shamelessly watching you tend to Gilda.
  408. >More appear on rooftops and emerge from houses, a few close enough to whisper to each other, but most spaced far enough apart that they merely watch in silence.
  409. >You pick out a few streets and alleyways that could serve as escape routes, then frown at the intrusive thought.
  410. >It won't come to that, they're just interested to see what you're doing. Like Gilda said, this sort of thing isn't common around here.
  411. >The griffon herself is putty in your hands, undulating sounds gurgling from her throat.
  412. >She rolls onto her back, presenting her belly, and you proceed to scratch the exposed, thin fur out of instinct.
  413. >"Haah," she breathes, "y-you're pretty good, do you do this kinda thing a lot?"
  414. "I owned a cat back on Earth--" you snap your mouth shut.
  415. >She lifts her head from the ground wearing a dangerous look.
  416. >"I'm not a cat," she says curtly.
  417. "Sorry, I didn't say you were, but I just meant that I'm used to giving back-scratches and belly rubs."
  418. >"Well," she sets her head back down, "I guess I can keep you around then."
  419. >She sighs, melting into the floor.
  420. >A hard crack accompanies a gust and an accusatory voice.
  421. >"What are you doing?"
  422. >Both you and Gilda flinch, startled.
  423. >A griffon has entered her home, and is glaring down at you.
  424. >Gilda flips back to her front and jumps up, coming beak-to-beak with the intruder in an instant.
  425. >"Who said you can come in?! This is -my- house!"
  426. >The intruder's plumage expands slightly, the griffon raising herself to her full height.
  427. >"I don't care if it's your house. I'm staking a claim."
  428. >Gilda snarls and her own plumage inflates, her wings flaring to their full span.
  429. >"Staking a claim on -what-."
  430. >A talon is stabbed in your direction.
  431. >"Whatever that thing is."
  432. >Gilda moves between you and the digit.
  433. >"That thing is -mine-, not yours. MINE."
  434. "Uh, Gilda I'm not--"
  435. >"Shut up, uh, whatever your name was," she interjects.
  436. >The two griffons circle each other. You back away, coming to Twilight's side and leaning down to her ear.
  437. "If we need to get out of here, can you teleport us?"
  438. >She turns to you, and for a moment you think she might be lucid again.
  439. >"Griffons settle their disputes via physical contests. They are notoriously violent."
  440. "Twi--"
  441. >A claw grabs your wrist and wrenches you away from her.
  442. >Gilda has you, and holds your arm as high as she can.
  443. >The griffons you saw from earlier have surrounded the house, many of them daring to step over the threshold, much to Gilda's evident consternation.
  444. >"I found him! He's MY back-scratcher!" she declares to all present, showing you off like a prized piece of game.
  445. >The first griffon doesn't back down, a deep growl vibrating in her throat.
  446. >"If he's yours, why can't I smell him on you?"
  447. >"I hadn't got that far yet, I was about to!"
  448. "Smell me...?"
  449. >"Until he has your scent, he's fair game, Gilda."
  450. >Gilda is livid, and her animalistic eyes turn on you.
  451. >Her grip tightens, and you're thrown to the ground before her.
  452. "Gilda?!"
  453. >She mounts you, her considerable weight pressing you down. There's no fat on the griffon - hers is the body of an apex predator. The soft coat and snowy plumage just barely conceal the steel muscles and brutal strength.
  454. >Perhaps wandering unarmed into an entire city full of the creatures was a poor decision, though you can't be blamed for assuming that Twilight would at least attempt to protect you.
  455. "Twilight - little help?!"
  456. >She stares down at you, a whisper of a smile on her lips. She addresses you in an calm voice wholly disconnected from the situation.
  457. >"Griffons are known to have a powerful libido. Though they may only last up to half a minute at at time, their mating sessions can last as long as five hours, packing in as many efforts as they can to ensure that the eggs take."
  458. "Twilight...?" your salvation watches you dispassionately.
  459. >Gilda's claws shred your clothes, drawing blood in places, and a murmur of approval rumbles through the assembled audience.
  460. >The intruder paces restlessly, her eyes locked onto you and Gilda.
  461. >"Hurry it up, Gilda, if you're not done in twenty seconds I'm having my turn."
  462. >"You won't get a turn," Gilda snaps back, "I already said he's -mine-!"
  463. >You'd ask if you get a choice in the matter, but a hundred kilograms of muscle and razor edges pressing down on you dissuades the thought.
  464. >"Wow, Anon."
  465. >You turn to Twilight again.
  466. >She's looking down at your prone, bloodied form with something approaching pride.
  467. >"Princess Celestia will be delighted at your proactive approach to learning about griffon culture first-hoof!"
  468. >Hot wetness envelops you, and Gilda shrieks in triumph.
  469.  
  470. *
  471.  
  472. >The train rocks.
  473. >Twilight is beaming at you, again.
  474. >Your arms are folded, and you haven't stopped glaring at her since you stumbled naked and raw into your seat back at the station.
  475. "...Say it."
  476. >She doesn't respond, still smiling.
  477. "Go on. I know you're going to say something."
  478. >Nothing.
  479. "Just--"
  480. >"Wow, Anon!"
  481. "You son of a bitch."
  482. >"I can't believe you mated with every single female in Griffonstone! You're gonna need a whole -bottle- of shampoo to get the smell off you! One thing's for certain, now that you've solidified your position amongst their people, we can consider our diplomatic mission to be a complete success!"
  483. "You--"
  484. >"I stopped taking my medication -weeks- ago!"
  485. "I fucking hate you, Twilight Sparkle."
  486.  
  487. ---
  488.  
  489. "Incredibly lewd dictators"
  490. - Anonymous, posting a picture of Nightmare Moon and Daybreaker getting mugshots at a police station.
  491.  
  492. >You are sat reading by candlelight when Celestia saunters into the room.
  493. >"Luna-a!" her sing-song voice already betrays mischief, and you glance up from your book.
  494. "Celestia? I thought you had already retired for the night, is something the matter?"
  495. >"Something most certainly is."
  496. >Your eyes are about to narrow, but a previously-concealed bottle and two generous glasses floats from behind Celestia, and you set the book aside with a half-smile.
  497. >The bottle bears no label, but even if it did you wouldn't be able to see it beneath the jacket of dust.
  498. >"See, I happened upon the deepest, darkest, most guarded vault at the heart of Canterlot Mountain - I really just sort of wandered down there, not sure how that happened..."
  499. "Of course."
  500. >"And I found this old bottle of Cyline Pinot Noir, hardly something worth being stuffed in amidst all those scrolls and dangerous artifacts, I'm sure you'll agree," her grin contrasts your wide-eyed astonishment.
  501. "Cyline...?"
  502. >You take the bottle from her, using only the barest touch of magic to do so lest it unexpectedly shatter or dissolve into sand.
  503. >It shouldn't exist, and yet it's here right before you - the signature mountain crest hallmark stamped on the bottom of the aquamarine glass is unmistakable, even through the grime.
  504. "Cyline was erased an eon ago, I was there when the Sacrilege of Dour breached the city walls!"
  505. >"Indeed. The land still hasn't recovered, you know. The whole valley's still arid, nothing can grow there. You can't even breathe the air."
  506. "I see. Even so..."
  507. >"Yet somehow, the final memory of that secretive little state found its way here."
  508. "Over a millennia..." you turn the bottle over in your aura, still not quite believing what you're looking at.
  509. >"Something like that should only be opened for the most extraordinary of occasions, don't you think?"
  510. "If it should even be opened at all. This is a relic beyond value, Celestia."
  511. >"It is. It's the only surviving memory of a city the world forgot," the sparkle in her eyes dims, her smile fading as silence reigns, momentarily reliving the past in the presence of a simple bottle. "We're the only two who still know it existed. Not even Discord found Cyline."
  512. "Then why bring it here?"
  513. >"Because I believe something sufficiently extraordinary has happened that would warrant opening it."
  514. "Oh?"
  515. >She smiles at you, and the shoe drops.
  516. "Oh! W-well, I don't think I'm worthy of something like this--"
  517. >"Being reunited with my sister is more than enough of a reason to crack it open," she takes the bottle from you and admires it. "I'd say leaving it to sit for fifteen-hundred years should have aged it well enough, what about you?"
  518. "Providing the enchantment on the bottle held that long,"
  519. >"Come now, Luna, you sensed the magic inside it the same as I did the moment you held it."
  520. >You nod sheepishly.
  521. >"Besides, we'll keep the bottle once we're done with it. Then it can go back into the vault, safe and sound."
  522. "I never was very good at holding my liquor."
  523. >"Neither was I, but I'm sure we'll manage."
  524. "I recall our previous bouts of mutual drinking ending in disaster, actually."
  525. >"We were young and foolish, now we are old and wise."
  526. "Not -that- old."
  527. >"No, definitely not by our standards, but you know what I mean."
  528. >You try to hesitate, but her eagerness is infectious.
  529. "Very well, just one drink."
  530. >"One? Luna, we're going to empty it." You balk.
  531. "Wh-- We can't waste it all on me!"
  532. >Celestia's brows knit together, her expression hardening.
  533. >She lies down next to you, her body pressed against yours.
  534. >Her muzzle nudges yours in the age-old form of affection amongst Equestrians.
  535. >"Nothing is wasted on you, Luna. I've made that mistake before. I will not make it again."
  536. >Your cheeks warm, and you look away from her in search of a distraction.
  537. >Her magic takes your chin and draws it back to her.
  538. >"I love you, Luna," the warmth intensifies.
  539. "I underst--"
  540. >"No no, I want to hear you say it back to me."
  541. "I... love you too, Celestia."
  542. >Mollified, her wing unfurls and drapes over your back, raising memories of your much younger self huddled under that same wing listening to bedtime stories an epoch ago.
  543. >Just as you did back then, you nestle closer to her and rest your head against her shoulder, relishing her eternal body heat.
  544. >There is a muted 'pop', and a rich, if slightly musty scent wafts out of the bottle. It will be the last time anyone ever tastes the legacy of Cyline.
  545. >"Now," Celestia first fills your glass to the brim, then her own, "let's get absolutely hammered and let loose like it's 550BCE."
  546.  
  547. *
  548.  
  549. >"Stars above this is good."
  550. "How much is left?"
  551. >"More than enough."
  552. "Oh good."
  553. >"Still just want a single drink?"
  554. "I did when I couldn't remember how well Cylinians made their wine."
  555. >"Bottoms up then, Loony!"
  556.  
  557. *
  558.  
  559. >"No no, no no no, that's not what Starswirl said at all--"
  560. "He-ee told me that he was from Abyssinia!"
  561. >"He was -not- Abyssinian, he was a Freefield thoroughbred!"
  562. "Lies!"
  563.  
  564. *
  565.  
  566. "Hey, hey, what's the deal with the guards these days?"
  567. >"What do you mean?"
  568. "They all look the same!"
  569. >"What?"
  570. "It's like they've all been cloned, honest truth."
  571. >"No-oo, they've not..."
  572. "Shall we check?"
  573. >"No... yes."
  574.  
  575. *
  576.  
  577. "See! They're the -exact- same!"
  578. >"Oh my sun they are! Hey! Hey you two! Do a little dance! I want to see if you act the same as well!"
  579. "They're actually doing it holy Tartarus."
  580. >"They'll do anything you tell them, it's a riot-- Oh-- OH! Loony, have you seen the alien yet?"
  581. "The -what-?!"
  582.  
  583. *
  584.  
  585. "I-I shouldn't be flying drunk..."
  586. >"It's fine! You're going in a straight line, kind of, as long as you're going generally towards Ponyville you're fine-- no, dip down a bit you're going at an angle."
  587. "Wee-ee!"
  588. >"You ever wonder what clouds taste like?"
  589.  
  590. *
  591.  
  592. "I don't get it, where are all the ponies?"
  593. >"It's the middle of the night, they'll all be asleep."
  594. "What if it wasn't night?"
  595. >"No, that would be silly..."
  596. "But you could make it day! I've seen you do it like, a dozen times at least!"
  597. >"Ohh! Oh yeah, I -can- do that! Hey, hold the bottle."
  598. "Ah. Sweet ambrosia. Come to Luna."
  599.  
  600. *
  601.  
  602. >"And that's how Equestria was made!"
  603. "You're shouting like, a -lot- right now."
  604. >"Well I can SHOUT EVEN LOUDER TOO! PONYVILLE MUST KNOW THEIR TRUE ORIGINS!"
  605. "I don't remember there being so much cheese at the founding."
  606. >"Mare, there was a -ton- of cheese."
  607. "Hey, so where's the alien?"
  608. >"Oh yeah!"
  609.  
  610. *
  611.  
  612. >"Anon! Anon wake up!"
  613. "Is it in there?"
  614. >"Is -he- in there, and yes, he's always asleep at this time."
  615. "But it's the middle of the day now!"
  616. >"He's so lazy, let's wake him up."
  617. "Is his door open?"
  618. >"No, Loony, what did Starswirl say about doors?"
  619. "...When fate does not provide, create?"
  620. >"Exactly! Now step back, I'm gonna blow a hole in the wall."
  621. "You're smart... I love you, Celly."
  622. >"Love you too, Loony!"
  623.  
  624. *
  625.  
  626. "Woah! He's so ugly!"
  627. >"He's -not- ugly, he's cute!"
  628. "I... yeah I guess he kind of is, actually. Looks super scared, though."
  629. >"He's just cranky because he woke up in the middle of the day. Hey! Anon! Do you still have a weird-shaped thingy? Show Loony, she'll freak!"
  630. "Was your mane always on fire, Celly...?"
  631. >"Huh? Oh yeah, it -is- kind of flamey. You like my fangs too?"
  632. "I wish -my- mane was on fire..."
  633. >"It doesn't have to be! Do that thing you did way back when, you know, with the long night and all that?"
  634. "Oooh!"
  635.  
  636. *
  637.  
  638. "Anon's really fast at running, isn't he?"
  639. >"Uh huh, he is. Not faster than us though!"
  640. "I mean he is when we're both a bit sozzled..."
  641. >"We're not -that- sozzled."
  642. "Mare there's like, the sun -and- the moon in the sky right now."
  643. >"I think it's kinda pretty."
  644. "It totally is. Hey where's he going now?"
  645. >"I dunno, but he's getting all sweaty. Have you ever licked him? He's super salty."
  646. "Salty?"
  647. >"Oh. Loony, you have no idea."
  648.  
  649. *
  650.  
  651. "We should do this more often."
  652. >"Get drunk, or lick Anon?"
  653. "Um. Both? I think?"
  654. >"That's a great idea! You're amazing, Loony. I love you."
  655. "Aww, I love you too you, even if you do have a fat butt."
  656. >"My butt's not f... well sure, it is, but stallions like it!"
  657. "...I like it too."
  658. >"Oh ho ho, do you now? But the question is, does -Anon- like it."
  659. "Hey Anon, do you like Celestia's fat butt, or my tiny butt?"
  660. >"Hey Anon, do you want a closer look? Maybe you'll be able to tell if you're up close."
  661. "Wow he is screaming a -lot- under there."
  662. >"I-I know, the vibrations feel -amazing-."
  663. "Unf."
  664.  
  665. *
  666.  
  667. "Who's that?"
  668. >"It's Twilight! Hey! Twilight! Twilight I found a bottle of the good stuff, do you want some?!"
  669. "No! Don't give her our nectar!"
  670. >"Oh heck you're right-- Actually, Twilight, go away! This is ours! No nerds allowed!"
  671. "Oh stars, you wrecked her, she'll never recover."
  672. >"Hey Twilight! Why don't you go back to the library and be a nerd over there!"
  673. "Is she -crying-?!"
  674. >"She is! Oh she's such a wimp. I love her though."
  675. "I love -you-."
  676. >"I love you too, Loony."
  677. "I might love Cyline more though."
  678. >"Alas, poor Cyline, may she rest in peace as she warms our bellies with her mythical sauce."
  679.  
  680. *
  681.  
  682. "AH!"
  683. >"W-what?"
  684. "Th... The bottle!"
  685. >"What's the... oh."
  686. "It's empty."
  687. >"All of it? Maybe there's some moisture left."
  688. "No... it's all gone."
  689. >"O-oh. That's... oh."
  690. "Celly, I'm sad."
  691. >"I'm sad too. But also I love you."
  692. "I love you as well... Where did we leave Anon? I want his face between my legs again to cheer me up."
  693. >"I'm still sat on him."
  694. "Oh. Is he still breathing?"
  695. >"Just about. I can feel his breath on my vulva."
  696. "The heck's a 'vulva'?"
  697. >"I don't remember, but it sounds funny to say. Vvvulva."
  698. "Vul-verrr."
  699. >"Hey Anon, can you say 'vulva'? Anon? ...Anon?"
  700. "...Uh oh."
  701.  
  702. *
  703.  
  704. >"Twilight! You came back! I'm sorry I called you a nerd, but you are kind of a nerd, for serious."
  705. "Ooh, she's got a crown on!"
  706. >"Hey she does-- Do you wanna be a princess too, Twilight?! I could totally make you one! I could make you the Princess of Virginity!"
  707. "She so ugly when she cries."
  708. >"Right?"
  709. "Are those her friends? I forget what the yellow one was called."
  710. >"Butterpie."
  711. "Oh yeah. Hello, Butterpie! I like your necklace!"
  712. >"Aw, she's so shy."
  713. "It's adorable. I love her."
  714. >"I love her too. Almost as much as I love Cyline. And you."
  715. "Wow, the necklaces are glowing, that's so chic."
  716. >"So is the crown!... Actually, I think I recognise those?"
  717. "...Oh bugger."
  718. >"Oh bollocks."
  719.  
  720. *
  721.  
  722. >Your lids are entombed in sleep, your eyes burn like you've been staring into the sun, and your head is full of woodpeckers trying to break out.
  723. "Oh... damnation... Celly? Where--"
  724. >A large weight shifts against you, and you feel a leg draped over you from behind squeeze you against the unseen form.
  725. >You force your eyes open and blink at the uniform grey before you.
  726. >Are you in a cell?
  727. >You sit up - with great effort - and note Celestia drooling on the cramped bed next to you, as well as the thick metal bars sequestering you both away from the outside world.
  728. "Where in Tartarus..."
  729. >"Mph, Anon?"
  730. >Celestia stirs, a dopey grin smeared across her face. It fades somewhat when she sees you.
  731. >"Oh, sorry Loony, I thought you were Anon." She hisses through her teeth and slams her eyes shut, a hoof going to her temple. "Oh, -hells- that hurts."
  732. "Are we in prison?"
  733. >"Probably? At least they gave us the same bed."
  734. "I'll try and call a guard, see if we can get this misunderstanding cleared up."
  735. >"Ask for some ice as well, my plot hurts as much as my head. I feel -really- raw down there."
  736. "Ugh, I do as well, now that you mention it. The hell did we do?"
  737.  
  738. *
  739.  
  740. >You stare at the twin mugshots on the front page of Canterlot Herald.
  741. >The glowering visage of Nightmare Moon is joined by the arrogant smirk of someone whom Celestia reluctantly told you is called Daybreaker. You'll have to ask her about it sometime.
  742. >The same shot is plastered on every single newspaper, tabloid, and minor release in the country as well.
  743. >A copy of each is stacked high before you, even taller than you are.
  744. >You glance out the window and into the valley below.
  745. >Ponyville can be seen, much of it still smouldering, columns of smoke smudging the skies above it.
  746. >Raven Inkwell glares at you, her fury evident and probably warranted.
  747. >She glares even harder at Celestia, whom sits slouched in her seat with packs of rapidly melting ice on her head and between her legs.
  748. >The dining hall is silent, save for the subtle grinding of Raven's teeth.
  749. >"Well," Celestia ventures after a moment. "It was one hell of a way to honour Cyline's memory, at least."
  750.  
  751. ---
  752.  
  753. ">Flutterrape is a collection of stories about ponies trying to have sex with Anon, the only human in Equestria."
  754. "They wouldn't do that. Ponies are friendly and would ask for consent."
  755. - Anonymous, questioning the validity of the sacred texts and posting a picture of Trixie
  756.  
  757. >"Very well, human, Trixie will acquiesce."
  758. "The f-- who are you and how did you get in here?"
  759. >"She has heard your cries for help, and she will be merciful."
  760. "Did I leave a window open or something?"
  761. >"She will generously have sex with you. No no, you don't need to thank her, but Trixie certainly won't stop you."
  762. "Lady, I don't know who you are, but I don't have any money, if that's why you're here."
  763. >"Hah! Such humour! Trixie is fond of you. Come, let us ignite the powder keg of our lust!"
  764. >You plant a hand on her head and stop her from coming any closer, casting fleeting glances around your living room.
  765. >There's a draft coming from the hallway, and if you crane your neck you can see the backdoor wide open.
  766. >You can't quite tell in the dim light, but the handle and lock look like melted wax from here.
  767. >That solves that mystery.
  768. >Look back to "Trixie" and try your best to give her a reassuring smile. Probably looks more like fearful constipation.
  769. "Alright, lady, let's get you back to the hospital so you can get your morphine shots, or whatever."
  770. >"Hospital? The only injection Trixie needs is your hot meat between her luxurious folds."
  771. >You squint at her.
  772. "Hang on, you're not a porn star, are you? Am I getting punk'd"
  773. >"Bwa-- The Great and Powerful Trixie is a legendary magician of worldly renown! She isn't a -porn star-!"
  774. "Well I mean, the name, the ego, the horrendous dialogue. You sort of tick all the boxes. All you're really missing is a plethora of STDs, but I'd be willing to bet you have those covered already."
  775. >"How dare you! Trixie is clean, her doctor told her on Thursday! Do not make her regret extending her generosity to you! Now take her upstairs and worship her marehood and she -may- forgive your insolence."
  776. "Gonna say no to that one."
  777. >"Impossible! None can say no to Trixie, especially after she gave you her consent. She is far too beautiful to be dismissed."
  778. "Maybe in horse land, but to me your breath smells like hay and I feel like you're gonna take my eye out with that thing," you flick her horn.
  779. >She shudders involuntarily.
  780. >"D-do that again."
  781. >You stare at your hand, horrified. Looks like you'll need to sanitise the whole arm after this.
  782. "Right. Come on, we're leaving," you nudge the confused invader towards the door.
  783. >"For the bedroom--"
  784. "For the hospital, we'll see if we can find this 'doctor' of yours."
  785. >"Trixie is not an invalid, she is a mare with needs and those needs are love and a hard rutting!"
  786. "Anon's needs are personal space and consent."
  787. >"She has given you her consent!"
  788. "Do you not know how consent works, or something?"
  789. >"Of course I d-- Trixie does. She gives you permission to ravage her and you do it."
  790. "Wrong, though I suppose I shouldn't have expected brainpower from a porn star."
  791. >"Trixie is never wrong. In fact, Trixie consents to giving herself permission to indulge!"
  792. "What--"
  793. >A violet detonation and you're knocked on your ass, stars glittering in your vision and a throbbing ache like you've pulled every muscle in your body.
  794. >"The Great and Powerful Trixie cannot be resisted. It simply isn't possible."
  795. >She stands over you, smirking.
  796. >"She is glad to see that you are in your proper place before her. Now, kiss Trixie. She expects you to use plenty of tongue."
  797. >Trixie leans her head down, eyes closing and lips parting.
  798. "Don't even--"
  799. >She misjudges the distance, and her horn skewers your eye. You shriek.
  800. "AH! JESUS--"
  801. >"Wh-what--"
  802. "Oh god! My eye!"
  803. >"I-- what did you do--"
  804. "You stabbed me in the god damn eye!"
  805. >"I-I'm sorry! Are you alright?!"
  806. "I said this would happen! This whole thing was foreshadowed like twenty lines ago!"
  807. >"O-oh god, you're bleeding, y-you're actually bleeding-- wait here! I'll get help! Starlight? Sparkle?! Anyone!"
  808. >You clutch your bloodied eye, howling, as Trixie scampers off into the night, also howling.
  809.  
  810. >This is why unicorns are the literal worst.
  811.  
  812. ---
  813.  
  814. "anon the question isn't whether you will let her, but whether you will stop her"
  815. "you won't"
  816. - Anonymous, regarding Nurse Redheart
  817.  
  818. >"Hell of a scrape, Anon. You're lucky you still have all your ribs."
  819. "And my blood, doc?"
  820. >"We managed to replace most of it, had to make up the difference with fizzy pop, but I'm sure your freaky alien superpowers can handle it."
  821. "I don't have superpowers, doc."
  822. >"Like hell you don't, I've seen what fingers can do to a pony; you're a walking weapon of mass psychological destruction, you are."
  823. >The doctor places a bottle of green and purple capsules on the table beside your hospital bed.
  824. >"You'll be on these for a month as well. One a day, if you wouldn't mind."
  825. "Thanks, doc."
  826. >"Now you rest up. No sudden movements or exertions, you hear? Don't wanna hear from the matron that you've been wandering about at night, either."
  827. >You glance down your body at your legs, the shins bound in air-tight casts.
  828. "I'll do my best not to."
  829. >"Good stallion. Man. Stalliman. I'll check up on you in a week."
  830. >The doctor takes his leave and you recline in your bed, sighing through your nose and gazing at the opposing wall.
  831. >Hopefully Pinkie's alright.
  832. >She's tough, but she ate her body weight in mints and cola; they'll be cleaning up the town square for days so you dread to think what it did to her.
  833. >You occupy your time by reading the description on the back of the capsule bottle.
  834. >Pony medicine seems to have the inverse problem as medicine on Earth.
  835. >Whereas back home the drugs and their contents were veiled behind indecipherable words like 'methylisothiazolinone', 'sodium benzoate', and 'dehydroacetic acid', pony drugs are veiled behind simple phrases so esoteric they'd only make sense to doctors and the criminally insane.
  836. >For instance, the bottle in your hand claims that its contents are made from 'that white creamy stuff you get from poison joke', 'some kind of powder you get when you squash clouds super hard then blow on them for like ten seconds', and 'salt but without the salty bit'.
  837. >Somehow, the doctors and medical establishment in Equestria being so opaque reassures you. Their madness must mean they know what they're doing.
  838. >It doesn't take long for you to exhaust your light reading material, so you begin the time-honoured process of counting the ceiling tiles.
  839. >You're up to 103 when a pony scampers into the room and slams the door behind her.
  840. >She presses her back to it, eyes locked onto you.
  841. >You pause in your counting and watch her in return, taking in the sight of the rigid mare looking momentarily like a garden statue.
  842. >She glances back through the small glass panel, watching something you can't see in the corridor.
  843. >Whatever it was, she's satisfied, and makes her way to your bed at speed, almost tripping over herself in her haste.
  844. "Something the matter, doctor?"
  845. >"Nurse. N-Nurse Redheart."
  846. "Nurse Redheart, then. What's up?"
  847. >"I-I heard you were here, and had to see for myself," she speaks as if pressed for time.
  848. >You give a weak shrug and an uncertain smile.
  849. "Just about. Not sure how the surgeons managed to find all my ribs, I was sure the beholder got at least four of them, but yeah. All... all here."
  850. >As you speak, her eyes bore into you.
  851. >She doesn't blink, the corners of her mouth twitching up but never quite breaking into a smile.
  852. >You're not sure you want to see her smile, though. Her heavy breathing and enlarged pupils are giving off a bad vibe.
  853. >"So you're," her tongue flicks across her lips, "you're here long term? For more than a few days, I mean?"
  854. "...Two weeks, I was told." You rattle your bottle, "got some of these too. Hoping they taste as good as they look, you know?" you give a weak laugh. The mood doesn't lighten.
  855. >Redheart hops up onto your bed and leans across you, still staring hard into your eyes.
  856. >You freeze, unsure of what to do at the sudden contact.
  857. >"You've got superpowers," she whispers.
  858. "I've got hands, if that's what you mean."
  859. >She shudders.
  860. >"W-we had a minotaur come through here once. Years ago. He only stayed in town for a few days, but while he was here..."
  861. >Her gaze wanders, distracted by a memory.
  862. >"It was... transcendent. Only other creature in town is Spike, but he's off limits. Sparkle," she spits the name, "keeps him all to herself, the whore."
  863. "I-I don't-- what's happening? Since when were there minotaurs in Equestria, should I be worried?"
  864. >She takes your arm in trembling hooves, raising your wrist aloft as if it was the Holy Grail.
  865. >Your limp, curled fingers gleam in the sunlight coming through the window.
  866. >"I only experienced them once. The minotaur blessed me, but only for a minute. Just a single, fleeting minute. I..."
  867. >She looks to you again, uncanny fondness writ across her features.
  868. >"When I heard you were here, I couldn't do my work. I just couldn't. I couldn't properly check on patients, read charts, I-I couldn't even write a damned prescription."
  869. >A shaking hoof strokes your cheek, the mare oblivious to your expression of blatant terror as you sink further beneath your sheets.
  870. >"But you're here now. I'm here now. We're here together, alone." She laughs, "I-it's almost like a gift from Celestia herself! Maybe she transported that beholder to Ponyville. Maybe she gave Pinkie all those mints. All to bring us together."
  871. "I... I have no idea who you are. Are you even a nur--"
  872. >"But I know you! Oh, sweet Anonymous, precious Anonymous," her hoof is stroking your face so hard it's starting to feel sore. "The few mares in Ponyville who have experienced the... -nirvana- of fingers know you. But you're so distant. You're so far away. None of us work with you, or drift in the same circles. We have to content ourselves with watching you from afar."
  873. >She licks her lips again, but this time she savours it, leaving them glistening.
  874. >"If they knew you were here, h-hah, if they knew, they'd be here now, but they're not here! I am! Only I know you're here! They all think you're at home!"
  875. >She giggles an unbalanced, wavering giggle.
  876. >"All mine! All -mine-!"
  877. >Redheart's stroking ceases along with her words, the mare bordering on hyperventilation.
  878. "...So yeah about those harassment laws, pretty crazy, right?"
  879. >She ignores you and raises your hand to her face, drinking in the sight of your fingers.
  880. >A strand of drool leaks from her slackened jaw, and before you can say another word, she stuffs your hand in her mouth.
  881. "What the fu--"
  882. >"Mph! Oh-hh!" Redheart slobbers and writhes her tongue against every digit and inch of skin in her mouth, the whites of her eyes visible as they roll back in her skull.
  883. >Her moans fluctuate in volume, the mare clearly trying to indulge herself, but not so much as to draw attention to your room.
  884. >With that in mind...
  885. "HELP--"
  886. >She stuffs a hoof firmly into your own mouth, not pausing in her borderline mastication of your fingers.
  887. >You take the distraction as a moment to reflect.
  888. >So this is life. Just a pair of freaks sucking each other's limbs. Father warned you of this, you're sure of it.
  889. >Never let it be said that people who work in medicine are mentally well-adjusted.
  890. >From the humble orderly to the genius brain surgeon, they're all mad as hatters. Just one minotaur visit away from lunacy.
  891. >Redheart rips your hand from her mouth with a trembling gasp.
  892. >"Ngh, okay, I-I'm ready, oh Celestia, I'm ready."
  893. >She leans back, resting against you slightly, her hind-legs spread wide.
  894. >You can't help but stare at her soaking wet folds, dribbling a viscous clear liquid onto the sheets.
  895. >"W-we're gonna be so close to each other. Connected. Do you want that? To be connected to me?"
  896. >Your eyes dart between the hoof still lodged in your mouth, and Redheart.
  897. >"Oh, yes," she gulps, "y-you just stay quiet now, okay? Wouldn't want anything to happen, right?"
  898. >With her free hoof, she reaches into her hairbun and withdraws a syringe, full to bursting with a milky substance. Your eyes widen. She's not playing around.
  899. >You nod, and she pulls her other hoof from your maw.
  900. >When you don't yell, she strokes your sore cheek again with the soggy article, and sets the syringe on your chest. It's positioned with the needle pointing straight at your neck. All she would need to do is knock it forward and God only knows what would happen then.
  901. >Your own free hand lies still. You know better than to tempt fate, especially in your position.
  902. >Redheart grabs your wet hand with both hooves, directing it towards her sex.
  903. >There is no foreplay or gentle grazes - she forces as much of your hand into her as possible.
  904. >The mare lets out a strangled scream, covering her mouth as best she can to stop herself.
  905. >The velvet walls around your digits and most of your palm clench.
  906. >A moist warmth grips you, and the shock of both the gooey welcome and the tightening grip causes your fingers to spasm in reflex before forming a fist.
  907. >Redheart gasps, her pupils enlarging to an impossible degree, her words raw and husky.
  908. >"Y-yes! Yes! Do that again! Please, I'm begging you!"
  909. >Her tunnel crushes, and in another surge of excited energy she grabs your arm and drags more of your hand inside herself until you're wrist-deep.
  910. >It's like wearing a glove full of hot Vaseline, and you'd be lying if you said the sensation was entirely unpleasant; snug, even. You're reminded of those old gameshows where contestants have to stick their hands into a 'mystery wall' and figure out what's inside.
  911. >Were there any horse vaginas on those things? You're sure you saw one in a Japanese show once.
  912. >Curiosity gets the better of you, and you unfurl your fingers from their tight fist and feel around inside her.
  913. >The mare sags against you, limbs splayed out, no longer trying to fill herself anymore.
  914. >Her head lolls back, tongue hanging from her mouth. The pony pants like a dog in summer, lost to whatever she's feeling at your slightest movement.
  915. >You draw your hand back out, but her walls react violently, locking your wrist in a vice grip and drawing you even deeper than before.
  916. >The sudden thrust jostles the entire pony, a euphoric groan escapes her.
  917. >Her walls loosen, then tighten again, repeating the previous motion.
  918. >You watch in amazement as the mare fucks herself with your hand, not needing any input from either you or her hooves.
  919. >A glint catches your eye, however.
  920. >The tip of the needle pointing at your neck flickers in the light, and you glance at the mare, who is still in her own little world, then at the syringe.
  921. >Careful, now.
  922. >You bring your free hand to it, fingers gently pinching the instrument and rotating it to a position where you can use it, eyes watching Redheart the entire time.
  923. >Redheart shudders, her hind leg kicks out at the air.
  924. >"N-nearly there, oh Celestia, please! Yes!" she breathes.
  925. >A final titanic clench, so hard it sends a jolt of pain through your wrist and up your arm, drags your hand as deep as it will go within her.
  926. >To emphasise it, you extend your fingers and lock them, the tips stabbing her innermost spot.
  927. >She reacts as though electrocuted, and Redheart makes no attempt to mask her elated howl.
  928. >As she rides the wave of her own ecstasy, you drive the syringe into her neck and depress the plunge.
  929. >She squawks in shock, giving you a stunned look before her hoof knocks away the needle and presses against the small hole, a trick of blood marring her white coat.
  930. >"Wh-what-- what did you-- no!"
  931. >Her entire body is wracked with erratic trembles, and she stumbles from the bed.
  932. >The mare's legs give out from beneath her, whether due to the shock of her orgasm or the effects of whatever drug you'd just pumped into her, you don't know.
  933. >She whines, dragging herself along the sterile floor in the direction of a locked cabinet marked "staff only".
  934. >She doesn't make it.
  935. >Redheart lies still, halfway between your bed at whatever freedom was in the cabinet.
  936. >You lie back and sigh, raising your utterly sodden hand and gazing at it in unwashed disgust.
  937. >Unwashed being exactly right, how the hell are you going to clean this up?
  938. >The room stinks of mare. The stench so thick you'd give your tainted arm just to open a window.
  939. >Hell of a first day.
  940. >You lie back and try to remember how many tiles you were up to on the ceiling, but the door bursts open.
  941. >"I heard yelling--"
  942. >The pony - whom must be the matron, judging by the outfit - balks at the unconscious body of Redheart, a stream of blood and marecum marking the path the rogue nurse had dragged herself along. Her nose wrinkles, no doubt the smell hit her.
  943. >"What in Equestria happened?!"
  944. "Nurse Redheart used my hand as dildo so I stabbed her with a needle."
  945. >The older mare blinks, looking between you and her subordinate.
  946. >"...Well why the heck did she do that?"
  947. "You're the medical professional, you tell me."
  948. >"Where is the needle now?"
  949. "On the floor somewhere, I'd get out and check, but both my legs are broken."
  950. >"Right, right, of course, I saw your file earlier..."
  951. >She sucks in a deep breath and steps into the room.
  952. >"Okay, well."
  953. >She shuts the door and pulls out her hair-band, giving you a sultry look.
  954. >"I'd better not make the same mistakes she did, then."
  955. >You click your tongue.
  956. "Saw it coming a mile away."
  957. >"And soon you'll see me cumming up close."
  958. "Son of a bitch."
  959.  
  960. ---
  961.  
  962. "What a mare."
  963. - Anonymous, like, posting a picture of Treehugger?
  964.  
  965. >"...It's like, giving back to the universe what it gave to you, but also, learning to let go of your hate by taking control of what destiny laid out before you, you know? Flow with the river of life, but don't let its currents throw you around like a stalk of wheat. Just embrace the demons, purify your chakras, and become one with the world by opening your third eye to the possibility of loving what you hate and hating hate itself, but even when you hate hate, don't let hate consume you or you'll ruin your own aura and totally disrupt your path to enlightenment."
  966. >You take a long, slow sip of your coffee, then lower the cup and smack your lips.
  967. "Between 'tripping balls' and 'seeing pink elephants', how high are you right now."
  968. >The mare at your kitchen table laughs like a Youtube video set to 0.50x playback.
  969. >"You're funny! Your aura is like, totally green right now!"
  970. "Should I see a doctor or a radiation physicist?"
  971. >"No way, dude, doctors aren't qualified to help you with healthy living, you should just revel in your own uniqueness!"
  972. "Doctors aren't qualifie-- okay! Well, this has been a lovely, if wholly unexpected visit, Miss...?"
  973. >"Like, call me Treehugger?"
  974. "...Is that a question?"
  975. >"No, that's my name?"
  976. "Then why are you inflecting it like a ques-- doesn't matter. It was lovely seeing you, Treehugger, now please leave the way you came before I call the cops."
  977. >"Why bring the establishment into our chill zone, dude? They'll, like, ruin the vibe."
  978. "You entered into my house and won't leave."
  979. >"There's no such thing as 'houses', Anon, they're just mental constructs designed to keep us from each other."
  980. "They're also designed to keep me safe from wandering lunatics who go on about demons and third eyes."
  981. >"Wooah, don't conflict my chosen path! It's, like, my most personal thing!"
  982. "Kind of like how my privacy is a personal thing, but you didn't care about that when you picked my lock and broke in."
  983. >"A faulty lock is destined to break, dude. It's fate, and none of us control fate."
  984. "Suppose you gave 'fate' a friendly push in the right direction though, right?"
  985. >"The only friendly thing you should give fate is a hug. Embrace it!"
  986. "Think you can embrace the concept of leaving? Not joking about calling the cops. I have them on speed-dial."
  987. >Well, not really 'dial', you've just gotten really good at leaning out your kitchen window and bellowing at the top of your lungs at the police station five doors down.
  988. >"The only concepts I'm open to are the concepts of free love and no borders."
  989. "Those borders include things like consent?"
  990. >"No way, dude, consent is like... sacred. If you don't have consent, you're killing a person's free spirit..."
  991. "I'm sensing a but."
  992. >"But fate sometimes moves in mysterious ways."
  993. "Theeere it is."
  994. >"And fate brought me here. I was drawn by your soul, it shines like a star!"
  995. "Uh huh."
  996. >"Like... it's so bright and colourful, and tasty!"
  997. "Right."
  998. >"I knew the moment I saw it I had to find you and become one with you!"
  999. "No kid-- wait, hold on."
  1000. >You frown, and roll your hand a few times.
  1001. "Just walk that back a bit, did you say my soul was 'tasty'?"
  1002. >"Totally! Your soul tastes like mortal life essence, and that's so aligned with my chakras!"
  1003. >Your eyes narrow, and you peer at the mare sat across from you with more critical intent.
  1004. "...Something's not right."
  1005. >Treehugger smiles, her yellowed teeth on display.
  1006. >But her smile is too wide.
  1007. >And there are too many teeth.
  1008. >For the briefest of moments, so brief that you'd have missed it if you weren't looking, her eyes flicker crimson.
  1009. >You recoil immediately, throwing yourself off your chair and to the kitchen drawer.
  1010. >Quick as a flash, you point a knife at the pony.
  1011. >She blinks, not at all put off by someone waving a weapon in her direction.
  1012. >"Like..."
  1013. >Her lids close, and a second or two later they open.
  1014. >Eyes as black as pitch gaze at you, her uncannily large smile broadening to reveal too many rows of jagged splintered teeth.
  1015. >Just to drive the point home even further, a third-eye opens on her forehead.
  1016. >"Guess I need to just, sort of take you by force, you know?"
  1017. >She launches herself across the table at you, whinnying like an actual bona fide pony, and you briefly reflect that this is the first time since you've been on this hellplanet that you've heard a pony make a noise that sounds genuinely horsey.
  1018. >Despite this charming development, you still have a demonic being gunning for your mortal soul.
  1019. >She latches onto you with supernatural strength, and you drive the knife deep into her chest.
  1020. >The blade turns to ash on contact, and she whinnies again.
  1021. >"Like, unconsecrated blades won't hurt me, they're not aligned with my chakras."
  1022. >She nuzzles your chin, still all teeth and void-born eyes.
  1023. >"We're gonna make such sweet music together, and then I'll drink your blood in glory of my dark lord! All hail Satan! Prince of Darkness--"
  1024.  
  1025. *
  1026.  
  1027. >"No."
  1028. >Fluttershy scowls at you.
  1029. >You lower your hands a bit from your climactic pose and give her a guilty shrug.
  1030. "Alright, maybe she didn't say -that- exactly."
  1031. >"Anonymous," she says in that tone she puts on whenever she's scolding one of her animals, "I don't think Tree Hugger did any of the things you said she did."
  1032. "She totally broke into my house though."
  1033. >"You probably left the door open again. You do it a -lot-, how do you think the geese keep getting in?"
  1034. >She has a point. The geese get in far more than they should.
  1035. >"Tree Hugger is my friend. She's a nice, gentle pony with a good heart and is wise beyond her years. I bet you were super rude to her, weren't you?"
  1036. "Maybe a little bit, but I had my reasons."
  1037. >"Those being?"
  1038. "She kind of smells."
  1039. >"Anon, -you- kind of smell," she deadpans.
  1040. "See, that's just harsh."
  1041. >"So is implying that my friend is a creepy demon pony!"
  1042. "Are you telling me that all that talk about chakras and other voodoo trash isn't spooky? Come on. No one who talks about magic and supernatural stuff that much is innocent. Witchcraft is a sign of devil-worship."
  1043. >"Anonymous, a third of the town are unicorns. They -all- cast magic."
  1044. "A third of the town are going straight to Hell, God willing."
  1045. >"I can't believe you sometimes. I thought Tree Hugger would help straighten you out, and instead you're sat here telling lies about her!"
  1046. "Yeah, well maybe stop siccing your hippie cohorts on me and I'll be more receptive to playing nice."
  1047. >Before she can retort, the cottage door swings open.
  1048. >Fluttershy turns and smiles.
  1049. >"Oh! Tree Hugger! Just in time!"
  1050. >"Like, you said to come as soon as I could?"
  1051. >The dreadlocked pony saunters over and seats herself next to Fluttershy, regarding you with the same half-lidded sleepy countenance she always seems to wear.
  1052. >"Heyyy, Anon! It's so great to see you again, I feel like we got off on the wrong hoof earlier, are we chill?"
  1053. "No."
  1054. >"But I helped you with that goose!"
  1055. "...You did, I'll concede that much, but then you tried to lick my face. We're about as chilly as the sun."
  1056. >"Bummer."
  1057. >"That's alright, Tree Hugger," Fluttershy pats her friend on the back. "Anonymous has just had some tea, so it'll all be fine soon."
  1058. "Why would me drinking tea make everything fine?"
  1059. >The pegasus watches you patiently.
  1060. >You glance at your empty cup, then at her untouched one.
  1061. >A wearied sigh breaches your lips, and Fluttershy grins.
  1062. >"Outplayed, Anon."
  1063. "Outplayed," you echo, then flop off your seat, limbs paralysed.
  1064. >"Woohoo! Okay, I'll lock the door and shut the curtains, Tree Hugger? You get first dibs since Anon was so rude to you earlier."
  1065. >A great fuzzy mass of green coat and unwashed mane shuffles into position on your chest.
  1066. >"We're gonna be like, so aligned once this is done?"
  1067. "Think I'd prefer to be murdered by a demon, to be honest."
  1068.  
  1069. >It's a sweaty afternoon.
  1070. >You smell like unwashed mare for a week.
  1071. >Ever heard a horse whinny when it cums? You did. Twelve times.
  1072.  
  1073. ---
  1074.  
  1075. "I think it's just a matter of not being able to keep your guard up 24 hours a day."
  1076. - Anonymous
  1077.  
  1078. "You in there, Anon?" you call as you hammer on the door again.
  1079. >Applejack wipes her brow and readjusts her hat into a better position, squinting up at the sun with a frown.
  1080. >Beads of sweat roll down your own neck and you eye the stetson, nodding at it when you catch Applejack's eye.
  1081. "Not got a spare, do you?"
  1082. >"Sorry Dash, just the one."
  1083. "Ugh."
  1084. >"Don't you go complainin', you're the one that sets the darned weather around here. A couple'a clouds wouldn't go amiss, you know."
  1085. "Hey, we have a schedule to stick to."
  1086. >"Like you've ever stuck to a schedule," she chuckles.
  1087. >You punch her in the shoulder with a grin, then go back to slamming a hoof on the door.
  1088. "Anon, we know you're there, no one's seen you all week. What's up?"
  1089. >A muffled voice replies from inside, but you don't catch it.
  1090. "What?"
  1091. >More mumbling, and you sigh before raising your voice.
  1092. "Hey, we're coming inside, alright?"
  1093. >"How in the hay are we gonna do that?"
  1094. "Think Fluttershy mentioned there was a spare key around here somewhere... one of these rocks, I think?"
  1095. >The two of you nose around Anon's front yard, lifting every rock and wilting flower pot.
  1096. >A loud bang joined with a yelp from Applejack has you leaping out of your skin.
  1097. >Your head snaps around to see your friend with a soot-stained, shocked expression, her hoof holding a small smouldering rock.
  1098. "What--"
  1099. >"Booby-trap. Booby-trap!"
  1100. >She hurls the rock at the earth and marches back to the door with a snarl.
  1101. >"Hey!" her hoof crashes against it, and you see the wood crack on impact. "What kinda maniac plants traps where folks might stumble on 'em?!"
  1102. >A few muted words answer her, but again neither of you can hear them.
  1103. >"Oh for the love of--"
  1104. >Applejack drops down, points her rear legs at the door, and kicks as hard as she can.
  1105. >The door, its hinges, and much of the frame buckle inwards, much to the occupant's terror.
  1106. >"S-stay back!" you hear Anon stammer.
  1107. "We're com--"
  1108. >"We're comin' in, you good-for-nothin' rodent!" Applejack yells.
  1109. >You follow after her furious entrance to find the farmer stood in the front room, towering over a whimpering human wearing several blankets as a sort of ghillie suit.
  1110. >"Leave me alone, I-I'm armed!" a plastic fork is waved menacingly at Applejack.
  1111. >He jabs her in the chest. The fork snaps in two as though he'd stabbed a steel wall. Applejack narrows her eyes at him.
  1112. >"So help me Celestia, Anon, I'm at my wit's end already with this heat, I don't need you actin' up as well."
  1113. "What gives, Anon?" you come to her side, regarding the human warily. "Why are you dressed like an unmade bed?"
  1114. >"Gotta stay alert. G-gotta keep my eyes open. They'll get me."
  1115. "Who?"
  1116. >"Everyone!" he practically shrieks. "They're always looking, always waiting to strike, but I'm watching them! I'm watching you!"
  1117. >Another plastic fork emerges from the depths of the blankets. You can just about make out some fearful eyes staring out at you and Applejack amidst the fabric.
  1118. >Applejack calmly but firmly takes the second fork from him and snaps it as well, drawing a deranged giggle from him.
  1119. >"I-I can do this all day, I have a whole packet of them! T-two for one at the market!"
  1120. >Applejack sucks in some air through her nose, and exhales slowly.
  1121. >She turns to you.
  1122. >"You talk to him. I'll break his neck if he carries on."
  1123. >The mare steps away to sit down on the dusty sofa with a huff, and you move closer to Anon, squinting to try and better see the face shrouded by the blankets.
  1124. "Heeey... buddy? So who's trying to get you again? Everyone?"
  1125. >"Everyone."
  1126. "And why are they trying to get you, exactly?"
  1127. >"They want my hot human body."
  1128. "...Uh huh."
  1129. >You look back at Applejack. A flat expression is all you get from her.
  1130. "Care to elaborate?"
  1131. >"Ever since I got here. Mares. It's all mares. Except when it's stallions. Stallions and mares. Mostly mares though. They're always staring at me. Always whispering. They're trying to get me."
  1132. "Y'know, I don't wanna make you self-conscious or anything, but you're not exactly normal, Anon. Ponies are gonna look at you when you're around, you're kind of the only human in Equestria."
  1133. >"Doesn't matter. They're still plotting."
  1134. "Plotting -what- though."
  1135. >"They want to have sex with me! All of them!"
  1136. >You straighten up and give a despairing look to Applejack.
  1137. >She's smirking, for once.
  1138. >"Hate to burst your bubble there, bucko, but you ain't really prime breedin' material neither. Mares tend to prefer a bit'a meat on their stallions."
  1139. >"Y-you're wrong! I see the way they look at me! Especially Fluttershy!"
  1140. "You--" your mouth snaps shut and you frown.
  1141. >A glance at Applejack has her rubbing her chin in thought. You both nod at each other.
  1142. "Yeah, no, we see your point with Fluttershy at least, but she's kind of a one off."
  1143. >"Not a one off," he spits, "a two off. A ten off. A thousand off! Every day it's something new, every drink is spiked, every wall painting has a hole cut into it, every lock has a spare key! I can't go anywhere or -she'll- be waiting!"
  1144. "So, because Fluttershy is kinda nuts you think every mare is out to get you?"
  1145. >"They have to be!"
  1146. "Anon, look at me."
  1147. >Two terrified eyes lock onto you.
  1148. "Do me and Applejack -really- strike you as the sort of ponies that'll go after you? Really? Like AJ says, you're not really our type. I like my stallions athletic, or at the very least to be -ponies-. AJ likes 'em rough, rodeo types, that sort of thing, you know?"
  1149. >"...Could you stand a bit closer and say that?"
  1150. "Huh?"
  1151. >"Just a bit closer."
  1152. "Anon, you're not stabbing me with a plastic fork too. I don't think those things are able to stab -anything-."
  1153. >"Not the fork. Just come closer."
  1154. >You sigh and drag your hooves a few inches toward the huddled human.
  1155. >"Bit to the left?"
  1156. >You do as he asks, giving him your most unimpressed look.
  1157. >"Perfect."
  1158. >The wind is punched out of your lungs as a suspended log drops from the ceiling and rams into you, launching you clear across the room and against the opposing wall.
  1159. >How you didn't notice it beforehand is beyond you, but if anything you're more worried about Anon than your own well-being, as your companion roars.
  1160. >"That does it!"
  1161. >Applejack descends on the now-screaming human with bloodlust in her eyes.
  1162. >You cough a few times as you suck air back into your body, a tentative hoof against your side draws a hissing wince.
  1163. >Meanwhile, Applejack is tearing apart Anon's improvised blanket shelter to get to the hysterical human within.
  1164. >A barrage of exceptionally diverse and impressive invective pours from the ordinarily polite mare, and if nodding wasn't currently so painful you'd be doing so in appreciation of her vernacular talents.
  1165. >A writhing, panicked, unwashed man is dragged across his living room floor by his legs to the hole where his front door used to be.
  1166. >Applejack will not be deterred, no matter how much he struggles.
  1167. >She drags him out into the sun, then sits on his chest and starts beating the crap out of him in broad daylight.
  1168. >"Sneaky, booby-trappin', cowardly, egotistic, extra-dimensional--" are among some of the words you catch over the wails of the freshly-evicted hermit.
  1169. >To be fair to Applejack, her methods are blunt, even blunter than your own, in fact, but they get the job done.
  1170. >Eventually he's too dazed to wriggle about anymore, and doesn't resist as she hauls him back inside.
  1171. >She ends up bathing, clothing, and brushing his teeth, all whilst grumbling and sometimes shouting any harsh words she can think of. Clearly the heat had been getting to her more than she let on.
  1172. >You watch all this unfold in silence, more impressed by Applejack's ability to wrangle the human - who is easily twice her size - as though he weighs no more than a sack of flour than you are by the endlessly creative insults she seems to have for him.
  1173. >Finally, after a good thirty minutes of this, Anonymous stands in a dazed confusion in his front yard, washed, combed, fully-clothed, and a hand shielding his eyes from the sun.
  1174. >"There," Applejack sits herself down next to his legs, still scowling but with the same healthy pink to her cheeks she gets after an honest day's work, "you're all better. Now go into town and go to work, your boss has been askin' after you all week."
  1175. >"R-right. Job. Yeah. I-I can do that."
  1176. >He stumbles ahead and down the road leading into Ponyville.
  1177. >You both watch him go. Applejack turns to you with concern.
  1178. >"How're the ribs?"
  1179. "Eh, they're fine. It was a soft log, I guess."
  1180. >"Alright. Good," she nods.
  1181. "So..."
  1182. >"So?"
  1183. "You totally groped him in the bath, right?"
  1184. >"Rainbow Dash!"
  1185. "What?"
  1186. >"...'Course I did. Can't wait to tell Shy, she'll be mad as a bull that I got so close to him."
  1187. >You both snicker as the human retreats into the distance.
  1188.  
  1189. ---
  1190.  
  1191. "No pony could rape me. My instincts would pick up on any attempt."
  1192. - Anonymous, the Übermensch
  1193.  
  1194. >"Come right on in, Anon, I've got something special to show you."
  1195. >Twilight winks and retreats into her library.
  1196. >You follow, smirking at her attempt at subtlety.
  1197. >She'll never get it right. Not that she could ever fool you, even if she honed her acting for a hundred years.
  1198. >You're simply on another level than she is.
  1199. >"So I've been practising with a new spell that... um... makes ponies rich!"
  1200. "Oh? And does that extend to humans?"
  1201. >"I-- well, yes, ponies -and- humans, but to do it you just need to step into this circle I've drawn on the floor."
  1202. >You cock an eyebrow at her creation - a large white chalk circle, indecipherable runes lining its circumference.
  1203. >Well, indecipherable to a layman, perhaps.
  1204. >But not you. Your knowledge is supreme. Your instincts unrivalled.
  1205. >You saunter right to the edge of the circle, but hesitate before stepping into it.
  1206. >Twilight's eyes dart between your face and the circle. A bead of sweat rolls down the side of her face.
  1207. >"A-aren't you gonna step into it? It'll make you super handsome!"
  1208. "I thought you said it would make me rich?"
  1209. >"Uhh-- yes! Yes, that's what I mean, rich! Just step into the middle and you'll be super, mega wealthy in no time at all!"
  1210. "Have you used this on yourself?"
  1211. >"Yes?"
  1212. "Are you sure?"
  1213. >"W-well, I made the spell, so I know it works, but I thought I'd offer it to you since you need it more than I do! You know, generosity and all that..." she trails off with a nervous laugh.
  1214. >You snort and fold your arms.
  1215. "Please, you think I wouldn't recognise an entrapment sigil? It was one of Astral Mane's greatest contributions to magic."
  1216. >Her jaw drops open.
  1217. >"How...?"
  1218. "As soon as I step into it I'll be bound in place and unable to move until the creator of the rune allows me to. That'll probably give any rapacious unicorn librarians in the area ample time to have their way with me, wouldn't it, Twilight?"
  1219. >Twilight's eyes waver on you for a moment, and she drops her head with a sigh.
  1220. >"Darn it..."
  1221. >Another laugh, and you're on your way to the library door, hands in your pockets.
  1222. "Better luck next time, Twiggles."
  1223.  
  1224. *
  1225.  
  1226. >"I'll need to take very precise measurements today, Anonymous, so would you be a dear and, ah, dress down?"
  1227. >You nod along with Rarity's little charade and remove your jacket and shoes on the podium in Carousel Boutique.
  1228. >Stood below you, Rarity has a prime view of your body as you disrobe, her eyes growing wider with each article of clothing you remove until you stand before her in naught but your boxers.
  1229. >"A-and the, ah, final piece, dear. I-if you don't mind."
  1230. "Oh, but I do. Humans can't do with being naked, Rarity, it just isn't done."
  1231. >"Perhaps on Earth, darling, but this is Equestria! It's nothing I haven't seen before, and I won't be able to take the... -intricate- measurements I need if you aren't fully nude."
  1232. "I'm sure you'll manage. You're a peerless seamstress, after all."
  1233. >"Why thank you! But there's no point putting inane barriers in the way of my work, is there? Please take off your boxers, Anonymous."
  1234. "I'll leave them on, perhaps you could do with a challenge."
  1235. >"I..." she frowns at you, "very well, I shall have to make do without perfect measurements, but don't blame me if your pants don't fit properly!"
  1236. "I don't know about that, I think you've got every measurement you need. You -did- take my full measurements when I first got here and have been making my clothes perfectly ever since. In fact, I saw you referring to your notes when I first got in. You put them in that drawer over there," you gesture off to a cabinet at the far end of the room, and flash Rarity a grin.
  1237. >She flaps her lips like a fish gasping for air.
  1238. >"W-well--"
  1239. "You didn't need my measurements at all, did you? You're just trying to see the goods."
  1240. >Leaning down, you speak in a low voice to her.
  1241. "I'll not be outdone by horny unicorns," a flick to her horn and she winces, a heavy blush settling on her cheeks, "pun intended."
  1242. >With that, you redress and swagger from the room, leaving her fuming at her own failure.
  1243. >They're just too easy.
  1244.  
  1245. *
  1246.  
  1247. >Fluttershy wants you to shovel dirt and spread manure over her back garden; the first speck of dirt that lands on your shirt has her tugging on your arm towards the bathroom for a 'deep clean'.
  1248. >She hides beneath her mane and refuses to look at or even speak to you after you put her in her place.
  1249.  
  1250. >Rainbow Dash wanted to try a 'different' kind of workout with you, and you explain as delicately as you can that yes, humans are aware of what sex is as well, and that her attempts to get you into a bush in Ponyville Park are as unmissable as her mane.
  1251. >She tries to laugh it off, but you can see that she's shaken by your keen eye and implacable resolve.
  1252.  
  1253. >Pinkie Pie brings you to her room in Sugarcube Corner to give you a present. When you step through her door, you find her on her bed with her legs spread. A present placed over her crotch and dressed in ribbons accompanies her knowing grin.
  1254. >She's thunderstruck when you inform her that you've already seen that trick before, and that you'll not be fooled again.
  1255.  
  1256. *
  1257.  
  1258. >Hands in your pockets, you wander up the road to Sweet Apple Acres.
  1259. >Applejack wanted help clearing out the southern fields, but if today has been any indication you already know what to expect.
  1260. >A smile crosses your features. What excuses will she come up with? How obvious will her intentions be?
  1261. >You can't help but chuckle, and it isn't long before you find her hauling a cart to the top of a hill, her body lathered in sweat and dust.
  1262. "Tough day, Applejack?"
  1263. >"Huh?" She turns, and beams when she sees that it's you. "Anon! Aw, I'm mighty happy to see you, I've been waitin' all day, what took you?"
  1264. "Sorry, I had a few errands with the girls but ran into issues, and I'm thinking something similar might be about to happen here."
  1265. >"That right? Well I ain't sure what the others were peddlin', but I hope you're all limbered up 'cause it's gonna be hard workin' this afternoon!"
  1266. "I'm sure it will be. So, where do we--"
  1267. >Your legs are taken from under you.
  1268. >Your shoulder slams into the grass, the impact cushioned somewhat by the soil.
  1269. "What--"
  1270. >Applejack drives her hoof into your shin, the bone giving and ripping a scream out of you.
  1271. >You shuffle away from her, hyperventilating and eyes wide, but she's on you in an instant, binding your limbs with rope and hog-tying you in a blur that leaves a dozen bruises all over your body.
  1272. >With many a grunt, she hauls your writhing form into her cart and hooks herself up to it with a happy sigh.
  1273. >"Sorry about that, Anon," she treks back down the slope and speaks glibly, "never really been one for playin' around or deceivin' folks."
  1274. "MPH!" you yell over the rope gagging your mouth.
  1275. >"Ain't that the truth. Ponies are too... I dunno, indirect these days. Nothin' wrong with just lettin' folks know your true feelin's, right? Why do ponies have to beat around the bush all the darned time? Anyway, we're goin' back to my room at the farmhouse, an' I ain't gonna lie to you, I'm probably gonna break your pelvis. I ain't had anyone scratch my itch in years at this point an' I'm feelin' more pent up than the garden hose after Big Mac sat on it."
  1276. >You gulp, mind racing to come up with a way out of this.
  1277. >Hog-tied and still wincing from the deeply concerning throb from your shin, there isn't anything you can do.
  1278. >"You okay back there?" she calls over her shoulder, "I know I hit you in the leg real hard, but the way I see it, you keep goin' around usin' that big ol' brain of yours to get yourself out of trouble, so I just figured I'd cut to the chase and stop you from runnin' away or talkin'. Easier that way, right? Can't run away if your legs don't work, can't talk your way outta things if you can't speak. Simple."
  1279. >You can't disagree, not that you could if you wanted to, what with being gagged and all.
  1280.  
  1281. >And so, Applejack takes you home, waving to Granny Smith as she enters the house and drags you upstairs.
  1282. >All in all, she broke the headboard, the bedframe, -and- your pelvis.
  1283. >Though Granny Smith made you carrot soup afterwards.
  1284. >So that was nice of her.
  1285.  
  1286. ---
  1287.  
  1288. "(You) finally wrote Fluttershy a letter."
  1289. "What does it say?"
  1290. - Anonymous
  1291.  
  1292. >Dear Anonymous,
  1293. >Thank you very much for the gift last week. I cleaned it as best I could and wandered down to the carpenter in Ponyville the other day to get a custom-frame built for it. The frame should be ready by the end of this week (I was told he had a lot of other orders to get through), but once done it will look very nice on my wall, and I think it will definitely bring the room together.
  1294. >How are your kitchen renovations coming along? Last time I was over it looked like you were making good progress, I really liked the choice in wallpaper you went for. Rarity and I often talk about interior design, so maybe I could come over again sometime and we could talk about it? I have a lot of ideas that I think you'll really appreciate.
  1295. >Angel Bunny is being fussy at the moment, he won't eat any of the broccoli I get him. I think it's because it's being imported from a different region of Equestria and he can smell the difference. I'll work on him though; he's stubborn, but not totally unreasonable.
  1296. >Hope you are well.
  1297. >Lots and lots and lots of love,
  1298. >Fluttershy.
  1299.  
  1300. *
  1301.  
  1302. >Dear Fluttershy,
  1303. >If there is a silver lining to be had, I suppose I should at least be happy that you're taking care of the underpants you stole.
  1304. >I'd ask you not to frame them, but trying to talk you out of doing ridiculous shit is a useless endeavour, and I'd have better luck trying to teach Rainbow Dash words with more than four syllables.
  1305. >The kitchen renovations are only taking place because you destroyed it in your psychotic break. I must once again implore you to take your meds. The table and chairs have had to be scrapped - there's no saving them, the cracks in the walls took a full tub of grout to fill, and the pipework under the sink is still a wreck.
  1306. >I've not been able to wash anything up in there since I'm waiting for the plumber to free up his schedule. I've had to resort to washing my dishes in the bathtub. Thanks for that.
  1307. >Please do -not- come to my house again for any reason, not just interior design. The Mayor's office is stalling in letting me book a meeting with her to talk about a restraining order, but you can bet your ass one is coming your way.
  1308. >Angel Bunny is a smart rabbit. I wouldn't eat anything you give me either.
  1309. >Go to hell,
  1310. >Anonymous.
  1311.  
  1312. *
  1313.  
  1314. >Dear Anonymous,
  1315. >The frame arrived today and your underpants look very fetching on my bedroom wall. I positioned them so that they're the first thing I see when I wake up in a morning, and they're already doing wonders to lift my mood.
  1316. >Rainbow Dash is an intelligent pony, she just has a different way of learning. Try taking her for a run and going through the words with her that way, she has a cool knack for learning on her hooves and I think if you try that you'll make a lot of progress. If you do choose to take her out running, please invite me along, as I would very much like the opportunity to see you in shorts again.
  1317. >I spoke to my doctor about my medication, and he told me that I'm totally fine and don't need to take them anymore. I have thrown them in the bin and set the bin on fire, as I didn't like the idea of leaving drugs out for any of my animals to find.
  1318. >The Mayor is a very busy pony, and I don't think it is a good idea to bother her with silly things when she's already got a lot on her plate with running Ponyville. That being said, my ass is fully ready for you to come my way, but please bring lube if you do, as dry insertions are very painful.
  1319. >I know you said not to come around, but I have some ideas that I'm positive you'll love. I don't know when I'll be free this week, but I'll swing by as soon as I get the chance!
  1320. >Angel is eating his broccoli now. I had to plead with him for a few hours but we got there eventually. As in most things, persistence pays off!
  1321. >All my love now and forever,
  1322. >Fluttershy.
  1323.  
  1324. *
  1325.  
  1326. >Dear Fluttershy,
  1327. >I've given the police a statement, and I managed to get three of my neighbours to give their own statements regarding your unwanted intrusion into my home. You didn't need to bring oil-based lube with you, and it's proving to be an absolute cow to clean out of the carpet.
  1328. >A part of me regrets hitting you as hard as I did with that old vase, but you left me no other choice, so I'm not sorry.
  1329. >The Mayor has finally pencilled me in for a visit, so I'll be hand-delivering your restraining order with the greatest of satisfaction soon.
  1330. >Dash and I went for a run yesterday. It was a lot of fun and we had a great time, we actually hit it off far, far better than I thought we would. We've got a lot in common and she's got a softer side that I've never seen before, so thanks for suggesting we meet up. We went back to my place after and had a -very- enjoyable evening together. She told me to say hi as I'm writing this; she's lying in my bed watching me. Gonna go join her once I'm done.
  1331. >Cry about it,
  1332. >Anonymous.
  1333.  
  1334. *
  1335.  
  1336. >Dear Anonymous,
  1337. >I'm sure you're as upset as I am about the tragic case of arson at the Town Hall. I hope they find the pony who dumped seven gallons of gasoline in the Mayor's office and set it on fire, because setting fire to public buildings is not a nice thing to do, though I'm sure whoever did it had her reasons.
  1338. >My head still hurts from being hit with the vase, but I know you didn't really mean to do it, and also know how passionate you can get. I forgive you.
  1339. >The police don't need to do any investigations, as it was all a terrible misunderstanding. Please tell them to drop the case.
  1340. >I am pleased to hear about you and Rainbow Dash spending time together. I assure you that any tears that have landed on this page were tears of joy over how HAPPY you are together.
  1341. >I love you I love you I love you I love you,
  1342. >Fluttershy.
  1343.  
  1344. *
  1345.  
  1346. >Dear Fluttershy,
  1347. >Hope they're treating you well in prison. Kind of amazed things escalated as much as they did, but hey, life is weird.
  1348. >Dash and I are moving in together, just feels like the smart thing to do what with all these rapacious bandits going around these days, you know how it is.
  1349. >We're looking after Angel Bunny whilst you're in there. You were right, he's a stubborn ass of a rabbit, but I just gave him some whiskey and now he's way more chilled out.
  1350. >Twilight says we're all supposed to visit you each month, but I'm gonna get a doctor or something to write me a note saying I can't be anywhere near you due to emotional trauma.
  1351. >Then again I might swing by anyway because you'll be on the other side of the glass and there'll be guards to protect me if things go south.
  1352. >Amazed the judge gave you such a short sentence, but I'll take what I can get.
  1353. >Don't pull a Shawshank,
  1354. >Anon.
  1355.  
  1356. *
  1357.  
  1358. >Dear Anonymous,
  1359. >I have been making a lot of new friends here in prison and they're all really nice once you get to know them.
  1360. >I spent my first day looking for and talking to the biggest mare I could find, and she and I have become fast friends. She's called Thick Thighs, and it turns out her brother Bulk Biceps works at the Ponyville spa! She's also the leader of her own gang, and she and her friends now protect me from the meaner inmates. All I have to do in return is talk to them about their problems and share a bed with Thighs.
  1361. >I won't lie, she's a bit 'hooves-on', and I can't say I'm fully comfortable being with a mare, but I suppose we all have to make sacrifices to survive prison. I'll fully admit I wasn't expecting another mare's flower to taste quite as good as it does, though I have been encouraging them to take better care of themselves and to shower more often, so that might have something to do with it.
  1362. >They're going to take me to get a tattoo at some point, I asked if I can have a bunny and they said that's fine.
  1363. >Been talking to the warden as well about doing more prison duties so I can work towards getting out on good behaviour sooner. He said he'd be happy to give me things to do.
  1364. >See you soon! Love you forever,
  1365. >Fluttershy.
  1366.  
  1367. *
  1368.  
  1369. >Dear Fluttershy,
  1370. >By now the warden should have received a note explaining that you're a menace to society and should, under no circumstances, ever be let back out into the world.
  1371. >Totally unrelated, but I've started hitting the gym a lot more. Dash is psyched about it and she's been a lot more intense in the bedroom lately as a result of my more frequent workouts.
  1372. >Angel Bunny is doing well. He tends to drink whiskey far more than anything else, and honestly he spends most of his time drunkenly tottering about picking fights with his own reflection. It's funny to watch. Who knew he just needed a bit of booze to straighten him out?
  1373. >The Mayor's temporarily set up an office in the back of a laundromat. It smells like detergent. Going back for a second meeting tomorrow to finalise the restraining order.
  1374. >Please could you stab an inmate for me? Should extend your stay there for a few years.
  1375. >Thank you,
  1376. >Anonymous.
  1377.  
  1378. *
  1379.  
  1380. >Dear Anonymous,
  1381. >Exciting week! Warden told me that after reviewing my file and sending it to the judge for re-evaluation, my sentence had been extended for another five years.
  1382. >Thick Thighs was happy because it meant I'd get to spend more time with her, and whilst I've come to enjoy her company, and the feeling of her warmth on the colder nights, I couldn't just sit by whilst you went without me in the outside world.
  1383. >As such, I organised a prison break.
  1384. >I'm actually really good at noting guard rotations and memorising routines - never thought I had it in me! I know you'd be proud.
  1385. >Anyway, that was two days ago, and now I'm out with Thighs and her gang. Currently sat in a train station in Whinneyapolis waiting for the train to Manehatten to arrive, so this letter should reach you before I do.
  1386. >Please could you go out and buy some chamomile tea for when I visit? It's been a very long time since I've had it, and honestly the only thing I can taste these days came from between Thighs' thighs. I need a palette cleanser.
  1387. >All my love,
  1388. >Fluttershy.
  1389.  
  1390. *
  1391.  
  1392. >From the desk of HRH, Princess Celestia of Equestria.
  1393. >To Mr. Anonymous Incognito.
  1394.  
  1395. >Dear Anonymous,
  1396. >Please allow me to extend my apologies for the frightful events of the last couple of weeks, and the trials you had to endure as a consequence. It is the solemn duty of my office, as well as the office of the Royal and National Guard, to ensure the safety of all citizens of Equestria.
  1397. >The moment the Royal Guard was made aware that you had been kidnapped by a gang of butch lesbianic convicts from Whinneyapolis, they did not rest until you had been secured, but we can only extend our heartfelt condolences for what must have been a harrowing week for you whilst the gang was on the run from the law with you in tow.
  1398. >Captain Flash Sentry of the 5th Cloudsdale Battalion would like to personally apologise for failing to apprehend the gang on two occasions, which would have only prolonged your no-doubt arduous experience.
  1399. >I personally hope you are recovering well. The Crystal Empire is renowned for its state of the art rehabilitation and readjustment facilities, and I have been assured that you will make a full recovery both physically and psychologically. Princess Cadance has offered to visit you as well on my behalf, though you may have already seen her by the time this letter finds you.
  1400. >I hope that once you are better you would consider returning to Ponyville, I am told that Twilight Sparkle and her friends miss you terribly. To that end, please find enclosed one feather from Ms. Rainbow Dash. She wanted you to have it with her love.
  1401. >Fluttershy and her gang are now being held at Canterlot Maximum Security Penitentiary, and you have my full assurances that they will not escape before their new life sentence is up.
  1402. >Your sincerely,
  1403. >Princess Celestia.
  1404.  
  1405. ---
  1406.  
  1407. "I have never seen a Vinyl Scratch green before. Thought she was popular enough"
  1408. - Anonymous
  1409.  
  1410. >The shop's bell rings, so you sit up with a snort and pretend to work.
  1411. >A unicorn mare comes to your counter, but you ignore her for a moment and ponder the socket wrench you're holding aloft.
  1412. "Hmm, yes."
  1413. >You tap it on the counter a few times and nod pensively.
  1414. "That's definitely a wrench."
  1415. >Chuck it over your shoulder - ignoring the worrying smash behind you - and nod at the mare.
  1416. "Sorry about that, miss, I was checking the wrenches. How may I help?"
  1417. >She smiles at you, her head cocking slightly.
  1418. >Your eyes bounce from her to the red pull wagon she'd dragged into the shop.
  1419. >A sordid mess is heaped inside it, all cables and sharp edges and god knows what else.
  1420. "Ah, scrap metal? Our prices depend on the value of the base metals, I'm afraid, so you might not get the price..."
  1421. >You trail off; she's shaking her head.
  1422. >She taps the 'We repair anything!' sign on the counter, then gestures to the chaos.
  1423. >You can't see her eyes, veiled as they are behind a pair of giant neon-purple glasses, but her smile alone conveys her hope.
  1424. "You want me to fix -that-?"
  1425. >An eager nod.
  1426. "Well, first of all I'll need to know what it even was, do you have an instruction--"
  1427. >A tome is dumped on the counter. It's worn, torn, and covered in brown coffee rings.
  1428. >'Mark 3 Uni-horn Sound System' is printed on the front, along with a simple diagram of what you assume is what the wreck in the cart used to be.
  1429. "Christ, lady, what the hell did you do to it?"
  1430. >She tilts her head again and shrugs.
  1431. "Right, so this is a hell of a job. It'll take me... God, I don't even know how long to fix. Not that I'm averse to the business, but why don't you just buy a new system?"
  1432. >She levitates an unattended bit lying on the counter and shakes it.
  1433. "Cheaper to fix? If you say so. Leave it with me, I'll see what I can do, but I don't want to promise anything. I can't even give you a time-frame or quote until I know exactly what I'm working with. Uni-horn is a brand I know about though, so can I assume that there's magic involved in its operation?"
  1434. >A toothy grin and another nod.
  1435. "Fair enough, I'll need to dust off my magi-tools then. Alright miss, swing by in a couple days and I'll give you an update."
  1436.  
  1437. *
  1438.  
  1439. >You lie sprawled on your back in the workshop connected to the front building.
  1440. >The sliding double-doors at the end are wide open to allow a draft; today has been hotter than most this summer.
  1441. >You have a well-chewed pencil in your mouth as you fiddle with a bit of wiring underneath the project.
  1442. >The main body has been fixed, but the intricacies of the mechanisms in the device are proving troublesome.
  1443. >You've used so much adhesive and electrical tape at this point that you're sure it's more glue than metal.
  1444. >Still, it's coming along.
  1445. >You hear the loudening clop of hooves on concrete and glance up from your position to see your customer smiling down at you.
  1446. >Never did get her name, but it's hard to mistake her electric blue mane and perennial smile.
  1447. "Oh, hey. We're getting there, but I'm just trying to suss out the inner workings. Should be done by the end of the day though unless something comes up."
  1448. >She sits herself down, watching you intently.
  1449. >You sniff and go back to work, keeping your eyes on the underside of the system.
  1450. "Don't need to wait for me if you don't want to, I'm happy to come find you, or you can come by tomorrow morning and pick it up?"
  1451. >She doesn't answer, seemingly content to watch you.
  1452. "Alright," you mutter.
  1453. >Minutes pass in silence, save for the occasional grunt on your part when you have to tighten a reluctant screw or yank on a stubborn wire.
  1454. >You're not even remotely sure of what she did to this thing to get it in such a state, but you prefer not to ask questions of your clients, and for the most part they appreciate that.
  1455. >Though in light of this you might need to revise the 'can fix -anything-' part of your advertisement.
  1456. >A dull green crystal sits tucked away behind a hidden hatch, and you huff through your nose.
  1457. >That'll need empowering again.
  1458. >You feel around your belt for the magi-lens, but it's not there.
  1459. >Your hand gropes around your pants a bit more, and you hear a giggle.
  1460. >The mare covers her mouth to snicker at you, and you quickly move your hand away from your crotch with a mumbled apology and warming cheeks.
  1461. >A familiar tool floats into view from behind her, and she wiggles it playfully.
  1462. >As before, her glasses make it hard to tell exactly what she's thinking, but her widening grin is all you need to know.
  1463. "Hah, very good, miss. Please could I have that?"
  1464. >You hold out a hand, and she hovers the tool over it.
  1465. "Thank you--"
  1466. >She pulls it back before you can grasp it.
  1467. >Her lips purse, and she offers it again.
  1468. >You snatch at it; your fingers barely graze it.
  1469. >Her snickering becomes a throaty laugh, and it only gets louder when she sees your disapproving look.
  1470. >The mare balances the tool on her hoof and offers it to you with a mischievous smile.
  1471. >You hesitate before taking it, but nod when she allows you to pluck it from her outstretched appendage.
  1472. >As you do so, her hoof curls and strokes your retreating hand.
  1473. >You can just about make out her eyebrows bouncing from behind the glasses.
  1474. "Uh, thanks," you say haltingly.
  1475. >She stands, apparently satiated with annoying you for now, and nudges your leg. With jerk of her head and a wave she wanders off and out the workshop.
  1476. >You watch her go with a frown, but turn your focus back to your work.
  1477. >It's only after she's gone you remember you hadn't given her a quote. Ah well, she's probably good. Everyone around here is.
  1478.  
  1479. *
  1480.  
  1481. >The sun is setting, so the heat has died down a bit, but the doors remain open to allow the draft.
  1482. >Your hands are aching. The job has been the worst blend of meticulous and cumbersome, and by now you're itching to get back inside and amend that sign to expressly forbid sound systems.
  1483. >Despite it all, the offending item stands before you whole once more.
  1484. >Myriad scratches and depressions plaster the body, but there's nothing you can do about them. It works, and that's what matters. If the client doesn't like how it looks, she can bloody well take better care of her stuff in future.
  1485. >Speak of the devil, you hear hoofsteps behind you, and then a gasp.
  1486. >You turn with a cocked eyebrow to see the mare gawking at the system.
  1487. >Give it a half-hearted gesture and cover an unbidden yawn.
  1488. "It all works, but there's not much I can do about the dents and scra--"
  1489. >You wheeze and stagger back, a hand awkwardly coming to rest on the head of the mare as she crushes you in a bear-hug.
  1490. "Good... job?" you manage.
  1491. >She nods fervently, her cheek squashed against your chest.
  1492. >You pat yourself down as she releases you and bounces around the system, inspecting it from every angle like a foal with a new toy.
  1493. >It's hard not to find the single-minded excitement endearing, and she hasn't even bothered to correct her skewed glasses.
  1494. "So that's that. You can give it a try if you'd like, but once you're done we'll need to talk about payment."
  1495. >She nods, but it's clear she's not really listening.
  1496. >With a practised motion she flicks everything on, the system vibrating as the magic-driven mechanism whirs to life.
  1497. >She giggles, clopping and rubbing her hooves together.
  1498. >A rhythmic baseline erupts from the speakers (by far the hardest thing to actually fix) and the workshop echoes with the beat.
  1499. >She plays for a minute or two, tweaking the sound and adding a keyboard thrill or a whining violin on top of frequent synthetic squeals.
  1500. >Just as you're about to speak up, she kills the tune, switching everything off and trotting around to you.
  1501. >She gazes into your eyes, beaming so brightly it's like you've just saved her life.
  1502. >Going off her appearance and evident joy at playing around on the system, you probably did.
  1503. >Clearly she thinks so, as she once again rears up and wraps her hooves around your waist in what is either a hug or an attempt to break your lower ribs.
  1504. "G-glad you like it, so about payment. It'll be seventy bits--"
  1505. >She gasps and lets go of you, nodding frantically.
  1506. >Her horn bursts to life, and a sizeable purse with her cutie mark emblazoned on it shoots from nowhere.
  1507. >You squint at it, trying to determine where it came from.
  1508. >Both it and its owner ignore you, the latter turning the former upside down and shaking it around.
  1509. >A single bit covered in lint drops to the concrete, rolling around in the dust.
  1510. >You stare down at it, then at the mare.
  1511. >She paws a hoof and gives you a sheepish look.
  1512. >Internally you're kicking yourself for not making sure she could pay sooner, but outwardly maintain your composure.
  1513. "Right, so if you're not able to pay at the moment I'll need to keep hold of this until you can."
  1514. >She stiffens, standing straight up and regarding you with slack-jawed horror.
  1515. "Oh come on, you know how this sort of thing works..." she scurries to the system and drapes herself over it, hooves gripping it as though you're about to smash it up again if she doesn't pay.
  1516. >You'll do no such thing, of course, not after the work it took to repair in the first place.
  1517. "Unless you can pay in some other way, I'm gonna need to keep it. We can work out a payment plan if you'd like, but I'll need a down payment in order to do that."
  1518. >She's chewing her lip, looking between you and the sound system in growing agitation.
  1519. >And then, suddenly, she relaxes.
  1520. >Her head cranes to glance at the doors.
  1521. >You watch where she's looking and shoot her a glare, tensing to grab her.
  1522. "Don't even think about--"
  1523. >The doors slam shut.
  1524. "...It?"
  1525. >You look at her confusedly.
  1526. >The mare takes a moment to judge your size, then reaches up and removes her glasses, setting them on the table gingerly.
  1527. >A pair of admittedly captivating cerise eyes lock onto you, complimenting the return of her playful grin.
  1528. >She approaches you, a saunter to her hips.
  1529. >You watch this with unease - it was only a matter of time until something like this happened, you suppose.
  1530. "Look, miss, I don't do that sort of thing--"
  1531. >Her horn flares, and your legs are yanked forward.
  1532. >At the same time, the sound system blares to life, the beat filling the workshop in time to your pulse.
  1533. "Lady what the f--"
  1534. >With a mix of magic and brute force, she wrestles you to the ground just beside the set-up with no shortage of further cursing on your part.
  1535. >You attempt to stand and are pressed back down by the mare straddling you.
  1536. >She's hefty for a unicorn, and your attempts to shout are cut off by her mashing her lips against yours.
  1537. >A hoof rubs over your pants in circular motions, your body duly betraying you.
  1538. >More magic is invoked, and the lights in the workshop flicker out, replaced by the neon strobes built into the sound system.
  1539. >At least it all works, you can be sure of that.
  1540. >Her off-white face lit by the epileptic flashes of colour, chest heaving with a bass that punches your eardrums, and a growing heat between her legs pressed against your belly, she's in her element.
  1541. >The mare surges to you again, hooves pressing against your cheeks and forcing your lips together, her flat tongue breaching your mouth and writhing against yours.
  1542. >Her horn hums with magic, remotely manipulating the music without needing to even look at it.
  1543. >Between her sweaty, musky scent, the disorientation of the dark riddled with schizophrenic bursts of light, and the hypnotic, all-encompassing driving of a beat so loud it's coming from inside your skull, you lose yourself, and your hands find her flanks in the dark.
  1544. >She gasps from your touch and pulls away from you, only to move her mouth next to your ear, whispering over the thunder.
  1545. >"Fuck me."
  1546.  
  1547. *
  1548.  
  1549. >She wanders away from the workshop, towing her system in her faithful red wagon.
  1550. >At the end of the road she turns to give you a cheerful wave, and you return a shaky one.
  1551. >You stagger back through the doors, staring in dumb amazement at the mess before you.
  1552. >It was hard to tell in the dark, but with the lights turned back on you now see that just about every surface in the shop bears evidence of you being there.
  1553. >Neatly arranged paperwork is strewn on the floor, a rack of tools lies discarded to one side, and any surface that could have supported the weight of an insatiable unicorn is stained with sweat and other juices you don't really want to think about.
  1554. >More than anything though, you're annoyed.
  1555. >She still owes you seventy bits.
  1556. >You're definitely changing that sign.
  1557.  
  1558. The End

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