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Derpy Shorts by Anon

By kqaii
Created: 2021-08-29 03:45:51
Expiry: Never

  1. *original author is Anon*
  2. ----------
  3. No.37323819
  4.  
  5. >wash day in Equestria
  6. >you're hanging out with your pal Rainbro Dash
  7. >drinking a beer, watching the big hoofball game
  8. >suddenly you notice
  9. >her wings are missing
  10. >you ask
  11. >they're in the wash, she says
  12. >every Saturday pegasi wash their wings
  13. >she points out the window
  14. >all over Ponyville you see pairs of pastel colored wings hanging on clotheslines
  15. >you scratch your head
  16. >you thought they were permanently attached, you tell her
  17. >that's silly, she says
  18. >unicorn horns are detachable for cleaning too
  19. >and the Princesses are modular, their limbs and heads snap off and on and stuff
  20. >just last month some kind of big monster attacked Baltimare
  21. >and the Princesses had to assemble all their body parts into one enormous eight-legged, two-headed, four-winged abomination to fight it
  22. >you stare at her
  23. >you would once have been inclined to call shenanigans on such a story
  24. >but since you came to Magic Pastel Tiny Hoers Land you've seen weirder things than that
  25. >you're telling me, says Cranky Doodle
  26. >he's a big hoofball fan too
  27. >two days ago, he says, something came out of the Everfree Forest
  28. >Rainbro and the purple nerd and their friends had to disassemble their bodies and reassemble themselves into a flying six-headed pony centipede thing to fight it
  29. >damn, this place is weird
  30. >you wonder if Gilda and a manticore could exchange heads, as you watch a beer commercial with minotaur dancing girls
  31. >it was just another day
  32.  
  33. Repoastin always fun, I totally didn't forget to work on a thing
  34. >Walking to the store after work.
  35. >Another unmemorable ten hours wasted away. At least you made some commission pay instead of just hourly today.
  36. >Walking past the happy couples and the hyperactive little fillies and colts running off the day's extra dose of sugar your thoughts are mostly on the mundane.
  37. >What to make for dinner? Do you have enough lime for gin and tonics? Why do they call it Hearts and Hooves Day?
  38. >Your mind casually compares it to Valentines Day and the origins as you walk on autopilot, arriving at the store.
  39. >You continue to veg out, filling the cart with a twelve pack of Hoofweiser, red wine and some unfortunately vegitarian spaghetti fixings plus garlic bread in your arms, you walk home.
  40. >Ahead you see the mailmare finishing up her rounds she gives a friendly wave before flittering over. Popping out of your post work daze you wave back back as she approaches.
  41. >One, if not the only genuine friends you can claim since arriving here. She was the first to help you in acclimatizating to your new life. Also, she has an endless supply of dirty jokes. A rare commodity here indeed.
  42. >"Hiya Anonner! How's yer Hearts n Hoovsies day been big guy?" Her hoof raised for a bump as she lands.
  43. Tapping her hoof with a fist, "Fixin shit, getting paid. You?"
  44. >Hefting the bulging mail sack with a grunt she drops it with thud at your feet. A few pink cards and letters sealed with a kiss pop out and drift to the ground like falling leaves. "About this good."
  45. "Damn, good luck with that."
  46.  
  47. >With a snort and a smile she scoops up the fallen mail and slings the sack back over her side before jumping up and hovering at your eye level. "At least it's not catalog day bud. Anyways, I gotta get back to work. See ya round big fellah!"
  48. "Kay, have fun."
  49. >With a flap of her wings she resumes her route. Watching her for a moment before resuming the trek home.
  50. >Arriving at the doorstep you set one of the bags down and reach in the mailbox. Pulling out the wad of envelopes and a coupon book or two you shove it in the grocery bag before unlocking the front door.
  51. >Setting the bags down you fish out the mail. Bill, bill, junk mail, Neighgerian prince has an amazing offer, more junk mail and a new issue of Bows and Arrows. Popping the tab on a beer you drink deep, finishing half.
  52. >Tossing the junkmail in the trash you empty the bags and lay out the spaghetti ingredients.
  53. >With a start, you realize what your subconscious has done as you were zoning out in the store buying dinner. You used to make this every Valentines Day for your wife.
  54. >An annual tradition long before the accident took her. Your heart aches as memories of the last time together bubble up.
  55. >You've made your peace and moved on but the occasional unbidden reminders will alway sting. Focusing only on the happier times helps drive off the shock of these.
  56. >With a deep breath and a heavy sigh you relax, easing the tightness welling in your throat. Setting down the tomatoes and mushrooms you wipe the moisture from your eye with a knuckle.
  57.  
  58. >Another calming breath, a freshly cracked open bear and you set to work making dinner.
  59. >A couple hours later the sauce is bubbling away gently. Light music coming from the record player as you relax with a book and a drink. Occasionally rising to stir the sauce and adjusting the heat as needed.
  60. >With a glance at the clock you set the book down and head to the kitchen. Another stir and you decide it's time.
  61. >Clicking the burner up to max under an already steaming pot of water you go for the noodles when your doorbell rings.
  62. >Placing the box back down you turn the sauce down and cover it before heading to the door as the bell rings again.
  63. "Coming, coming. Jeez, keep your pants..., saddle on will ya?"
  64. >Opening the door you're greeted with misaligned golden eyes and an envelope filled smile. "Spefull deliferyy!", she happily mumbles around the letter before motioning you to take it.
  65. >Plucking it out you flip it over, noticing no address. She smiles as you step back, inviting her inside. She trots in, sniffing the air. "Oh wow hey, that smells good!"
  66. "Makin sketti So, you off work for the day then?"
  67. >Making her way to the sofa she hops up and nods. "Just this one left. You gonna open it?"
  68. >Tearing the envlope you pull out a Hearts and Hooves day card. On the front it says, To Anon, from Derpy. Glancing at her she smiles wide. Opening it, you read aloud
  69. "When I delivered your mail this morning I couldn't help notice you didn't get one card this year. Nopony, nohuman? What is the right right word anyway?" Glancing up to her, "Nobody." you tell her. She nods and you continue.
  70. "Nopony, let alone my bestest friend is gonna be left out if I can help it. I was also worried this might be tough time for you too. Just remember, I'm always here if you need to talk or need cheering up about what got you feeling blue or just want to hang out! So anyway, have a happy hearts and hooves day Anon. Your friend, Derpy.
  71. >She looks away shyly as you finish reading.
  72. >Standing the card up on the end table, you walk over and kneel down in front of the sofa and pull her into a hug. Rubbing your back with a foreleg she squeezes you tightly.
  73. "Thank you Derps.", you whisper.
  74. >Holding on a few moments longer before releasing each other you rise. Walking towards the kitchen you turn back you see her wipe away a happy tear.
  75. "So uh, hey. You want to have some spaghetti with me tonight?"
  76. Her bubbly smile is all the answer you need.
  77.  
  78. ---------
  79.  
  80. No.37292553
  81.  
  82. >be Anon
  83. >be in Earth, strangely enough
  84. >since the portals opened a few years back pones have become an occasional sight in the larger cities
  85. >mainly they come here for trade
  86. >pones love Earth's consumer electronics, humans love magical stuff and rubies the size of a man's head
  87. >there are less obvious things traded
  88. >Equestria never had nuclear power or nuclear weapons, so all the steel they make is low-background steel, which is bought eagerly to manufacture certain specialized equipment
  89. >Earth has antibiotics and anticancer drugs the pones never developed
  90. >pones have medical magic that can cure some disorders instantly, without side-effects
  91. >some on Earth pay handsomely for food produced in a world where pesticides were never invented
  92. >griffons love cheap beef from Brazil, guaranteed non-sentient
  93. >some pones come over for specialized work
  94. >lots of pegasi take very lucrative weather control contracts, for example
  95. >they're making rain over northern Africa to reverse desertification
  96. >other teams work at the poles to increase glacier growth and reduce global warming
  97. >a few really bold ones come to Earth for vacation
  98. >most pones shy away
  99. >Earth's cities have a reputation for violence and disorder, by their standards
  100. >but a few of them come, either brave or oblivious
  101. >and today
  102. >you're an American visiting Amsterdam
  103. >not for what some people might immediately think of
  104. >you're interested in the art museums mainly
  105. >it's a beautiful cloudless late spring day
  106. >you've met the most charming blonde pegasus in the Rembrandt museum
  107. >she's got a grey colt and golden eyes that point in different directions
  108. >but she's quite charming, and her enthusiasm for the city is infectious
  109. >she has an adorable unicorn daughter back home
  110. >relatives are caring for her while she works to send money back home
  111. >she keeps talking about her "Muffin"
  112. >she also laughs at your jokes as you walk together among the lengthening late afternoon shadows
  113. >you wonder if she's just being polite, as you've never been a funny guy
  114.  
  115. >and she blushes when she shyly asks you to go to a coffee with her
  116. >you are utterly charmed and can't help but agree
  117. >as you walk with her and make small talk, you notice you're walking through one of the red-light districts
  118. >as you approach the coffee shop
  119. >you notice a certain smell
  120. >oh. it's one of THOSE "coffee shops."
  121. "Are you sure about this, Miss?"
  122. >"Call me Derpy. And I've heard it's very popular and lots of fun."
  123. "Well, okay."
  124. >you walk into the bar with her
  125. >and sit at a table with an enormous hookah in the center
  126. >you sit there drinking espresso across the table from her
  127. >you know, the espresso here isn't bad at all
  128. >she goes to work with a will, once a waiter shows her how
  129. >you watch her taking horse-sized toke after horse-sized toke
  130. >she pauses for a moment to eat a hash brownie, then it's back to the hookah
  131. >"Are you sure you don't want some of this? It's great!"
  132. "I'm pretty sure. Thanks, though."
  133. >half an hour passes, and it gets dark outside
  134. >you get a bit hungry and order a "zebra sandwich," cream cheese and green onion on rye bread
  135. >her eyes are really red and she's giggling continuously
  136. >she asks you to dance
  137. >you're not much of a dancer but you do your best
  138. >she sort of hovers impossibly in midair, wings barely moving, like pegasus pones do
  139. >while she wiggles her butt with an enormous sleepy smile on her face
  140. >she asks to see your hotel room, as it's closer, and she's not up to a long flight
  141. >well, okay
  142. >you walk her back to your room
  143. >she asks to come in and lie down
  144. "Are you okay?"
  145. >"It's fine. I think I need you to help me get to bed, though."
  146. >this seems a little odd to you, but okay
  147. >you accompany her into the bedroom, and she sits on the bed, her face a bit flushed, then gestures with a wing for you to sit beside her
  148. "Is everything okay, Derpy?"
  149.  
  150. >and her forehooves go onto your shoulders wings go around your back, and her lips are on yours
  151. >her mouth tastes of hashish
  152. >but, you know, she's a really good kisser
  153. >you start to get into it a little
  154. >she pushes you gently back onto the bed
  155. >she gets on top of you
  156. >she weighs less than you anticipated
  157. >which makes sense, I guess
  158. >she can fly, after all
  159. >she kisses you again, nibbling gently on your lower lip
  160. >she breaks off the kiss and mumbles something
  161. "Hmm?"
  162. >she rolls off you, her eyes glassy
  163. >folds her legs up underneath herself sort of like a cat
  164. >her eyes close
  165. >and in a moment she's snoring
  166. >well, then
  167. >you suppose this is going to be an awkward conversation in the morning
  168. >after looking out the window and watch the city lights for a while
  169. >checking your emails and watching a bit of TV
  170. >huh, they have the BBC here
  171. >you stretch out on the room's couch and go to sleep, wondering if she'll still be there when you wake up
  172. >the next morning, just after first light
  173. >you quietly shower and get dressed, then down to the hotel kitchen and get a cup of black coffee and a single sugary stroopwafel
  174. >and come back to the room
  175. >she's hovering there in midair just inside the door
  176. >blushing brilliantly
  177. >"I just don't know what went wrong."
  178. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."
  179. >"Maybe next time you should be the one to get stoned instead."
  180. "Oh, Derpy."
  181. >you hand her the stroopwafel
  182. >it was a sweet day

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