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Fracture: Anon in Zoo-Land

By Greggums
Created: 2021-10-24 09:34:11
Expiry: Never

  1. Originally Published November 30th, 2012
  2.  
  3. >Blackness surrounds you, floating in a void which seems composed of an infinite depth of ink.
  4. >You are still Anon, only unconscious from pain and morphine.
  5. >sweetmorphine.exe is running with 99.9% efficiency
  6. wheeeeeeeee.
  7. >You’re slowly drifting downwards, caught on an unseen current which whisks you deeper into the carbon abyss.
  8. >Three feet above the ground, you drop.
  9. >You hit hard.
  10. AHRRHGHRHGHRHGHRHGH.
  11. >Timetogodeeper.jpg.
  12. >”Anon. What’s the matter?”
  13. >Look around and see your lifelong friends, Superego, Ego and Id.
  14. >Superego is white and funny looking.
  15. >Ego is black and bald.
  16. >Id is Asian, but you’re still not sure which kind.
  17.  
  18.  
  19. >RUNNING ZOOLANDER OS…..
  20. I don’t know. I’m pondering things.
  21. >”You know who you should ponder? Fluttershy.”
  22. >”That’s gross.”
  23. >”Earth to Superego, I was making a joke.”
  24. >”Earth to Id, I knew that.”
  25. STOP IT!
  26. >Everyone stares at you.
  27. >Even the ridiculously good-looking pictures of the four of you.
  28. Don’t you think there’s something more to life than discussing whether or not to fuck my stalker?
  29. >Blue_Steel.gif
  30. I never did like that picture.
  31. >Ego looks confused. ”Who are you talking to Anon?”
  32. >Id open-hand punches Ego in the crotch, then quickly jabs him in the forehead.
  33. >”I meant to do that.”
  34. >Right. Superego starts speaking.
  35. >”Look guys, Anon is confused, and you know what would help him get through these troubling times?”
  36.  
  37.  
  38. >Their three voices cry out in manly unison:
  39. >”ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!”
  40. >dothejitterbug.mp3
  41. >There is much manliness in the man-wagon as you and your three hetero-life-partners make their way to the gas station.
  42. >While your friends are having a gasoline fight, you walk over to a trashcan.
  43. >An old bastard threw out a paper that had your beautiful face on it.
  44. >Avoid the used condoms. +10 dexterity.
  45. >On the cover of the magazine is a clumsily photo-shopped picture of you dicking Yellow Quiet.
  46. >It reads: Anon. A horsefucker.
  47. Anon: A horse, fucker.
  48. >You glance in your pants, a confused look on your face.
  49. Well, I wouldn’t say “horse”…
  50. >Look up and see Spike staring at you with the beddiest of bedroom eyes.
  51. >Did he just hear that?
  52. >Ohgodnightmares.jpg
  53. >Turning around, it looks like the guys are done with their gas fight full of non-erotic-subtext.
  54. >You put on a big smile, and see Id fumbling around in his pockets, then bringing something up to his mouth.
  55. >Is that a cigarette?
  56.  
  57.  
  58.  
  59. >Yup.
  60. >Like the beautiful (no homo) dumbass that he is, he pulls out his lighter.
  61. ID!
  62. >A massive explosion of flames, mocha, and homo-erotic subtext launches you back into the black void of your unconscious mind.
  63. What the hell is wrong with me?
  64. >I don’t even know man, and I’m the narrator.
  65. Hey, your voice sounds familiar…
  66. >No it doesn’t.
  67. No…I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it before…
  68. >Listen. Let’s just forget about it and move on wit-
  69. YOU’RE THE NARRATOR FROM THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
  70. >FUCK YOU IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!
  71.  
  72.  
  73.  
  74. >SYSTEM REBOOT IN PROGRESS…
  75. >”A-anon, are you alright?”
  76. >Dammit. You’re on a sofa in Fluttershy’s cottage.
  77. >You slowly move your head around, stopping in front of the big, fuzzy, pink&yellow monster in front of you.
  78. weherermi?
  79. >”What?”
  80. werahmy?
  81. >”I c-can’t understand you An-”
  82. WHERE AM I?!
  83. >”eep!” Fluttershy jumps up into the air, crashing into one of the support beams and falling to the floor.
  84. >In your blurryvision(tm), you can see a white blob shaking its head.
  85. >You remind yourself to put Angel on your “Do not steal from” list, and watch as Banana Hush pulls herself off the floor.
  86. >”Well, Dr. Stable transferred you to my cottage because I have better knowledge on how to fix this.”
  87. I saw you bribe him!
  88. >”Well, how else would I get to take care of you, my little baby-kins?”
  89. >Oh god, she just said ‘baby-kins’.
  90. >Angel has a similar expression of disbelief on his face; you’re liking this rabbit more as time goes on.
  91. >Ignoring you, Flutterbutt goes upstairs. “Now you stay right there while I go get your medication.”
  92. Florence Nightingale Syndrome isn’t my fetish!
  93. >You should try and get out of here man.
  94. Smart thinking, Brain!
  95. >*clank*
  96. >Every limb is chained to the couch…even your penis, for some weird reason.
  97. AND NEITHER IS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!
  98.  
  99.  
  100.  
  101.  
  102. >Later that evening…
  103. >You’re not chained to the sofa anymore, but you are now chained to the fridge.
  104. >Life’s just getting better, huh?
  105. >”…alright, thank you Doctor Stable.” Silent canary hangs up the phone.
  106. Oh sure, the ponies are advanced enough to have telephones, but I get sent to a rapist for “medical expertise.”
  107. >”If loving you means that I’m a rapist, then I guess I’m the biggest rapist of all!” Her pupils turn into hearts as she’s saying this.
  108. >The innocence of the ponies is enough to drive you insane sometimes.
  109. >Granted, they do have massive and thriving Red-Light districts, but the terminology is just a little different than Earth’s.
  110. >”Anyways, the Doctor says that you should be fine in 4-6 weeks…”
  111. WHAT!?
  112. >Bug Butt blushes a slight shade of orange, and begins fiddling with her hooves “I accidentally dropped you a couple times on the way over.”
  113. Dumbass.
  114. >”But that you shouldn’t attempt to masturbate or have sex before your cast disappears.”
  115. Well, that makes sen…disappearing cast? Is this a ‘magic’ cast?
  116. >She nods.
  117. >”The Doctor said your stitches and cast should disappear when you’re…”
  118. >She’s biting her lip. Why is she biting her lip?
  119. >”…Back in working order.”
  120. >The emphasis she put on “working” sends shivers up your spine.
  121. >But at least there’s no sponge baths! For 4-6 weeks…

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