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Anon's Saucy Adventure Pt. 1

By Greggums
Created: 2021-10-24 10:15:20
Expiry: Never

  1. Originally Published October 18th, 2018
  2.  
  3. >"Didn't I tell you to stop making tulpas?"
  4. Didn't I tell you to I stopped making them like four years ago? Be a bit more of a jerk, why don't you?
  5. >The Princess Librarian takes her glasses off, setting them on the table with a sigh
  6. >"I don't know what you expect me to tell you, Anon. You've been living here for what, six years now?"
  7. >You nod
  8. Give or take, yeah.
  9. >"And you expect me to believe, despite having shown no prior magical affinity, that you've suddenly manifested the ability to use magic?"
  10. Trixie did!
  11. >"Trixie is also a unicorn, Anon."
  12. >Twilight floats a kettle of tea from the kitchen, refreshing her cup and pouring a new one for you
  13. >"But that aside, not only do you expect me to believe that you have magic, but that it also has a physical form only you can see, and the only thing it can do is make food?"
  14. >You rub the back of your neck
  15. Well, when you put it like that it sounds dumb, but it's the truth!
  16. >She looks at you with an expression that could make Costanza blush
  17. Don't you shiggy me, horse! I can prove it!
  18. >You plunge your hands into your pockets and rip a handful of saucy noodles and meat out of your pants
  19. >"That doesn't prove a thing."
  20. >You can almost smell the shape of a baseball bat cradled in her hooves
  21. What?! I'm literally pulling it out of nowhere!
  22. >You throw the pasta down and grab two more handfuls from your pockets
  23. >"You're literally pulling it out of your pockets!"
  24. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!
  25. >"Because you made it at home and shoved it in your pants before coming here!"
  26. >Pasta begins to rise out of your pants seemingly of its own accord
  27. SEE!?
  28. >"Why would magic make something so pointless?!"
  29. I DUNNO TWI, HOW ABOUT WE ASK YOUR MOM?!
  30. >You fling a handful of noodles into her face
  31. 1/
  32.  
  33. >The room falls silent
  34. >For a brief moment, you see her mane erupt in flame
  35. >And then, you find yourself outside
  36. >Ten feet above the ground
  37. Fuck!
  38. >A croaking noise fills your ear, and a wave of pasta rushes out of your pants, forming a cushion on the ground
  39. >But, being made of pasta, it does little to cushion the impact
  40. >Shakily, you stand up, groaning and clutching at your bruised ass
  41. Ahh, that's gonna hurt for the rest of the week.
  42. >From behind you, you feel a gentle pressure helping you to stand up
  43. You're a real fucking pain, you know that?
  44. >The creature moves to your side, a humanoid frog in a greying hoodie
  45. >It croaks at you, looking somewhat pleased with itself
  46. Yeah yeah, I know. But I'm not implying shit when I'm stating a flat fact.
  47. >With a bit of focus, the frog fades out of sight
  48. Still got to think of a name for you though, I guess. But I'll do that tomorrow.
  49. >Your hands find their way into your now spaghettiless pockets, and you make your way home
  50.  
  51. >After you leave Twilight's, the bushes nearby begin to rustle, and a young pony tumbles out of them
  52. 2/
  53.  
  54. >Your ass was sore well into the next morning after Twilight dropped you outside, and you massage at your bruised cheeks as you make your way downstairs
  55. Fffft!, you hiss on every step
  56. Last time I go to her for help. Dumb bi- horse.
  57. >You rip a bowl from the cabinet and dip a hand into the pocket of your pajama pants
  58. >With a PLAP, you set your noodles inside the bowl and place them inside of your oven to warm up
  59. >While you wait for your pasta to warm up, you sit down at the table and scribble a large "t" onto a piece of paper
  60. Okay, so in Twilights favor: If I had magic, it should have manifested long before now...
  61. >A line goes below the left branch of the "t"
  62. Plus, there is a good chance that making all those tulpas did fuck with my head.
  63. >The pencil scratches a second line by the first
  64. But I do know for a fact that I am not making pasta and then shoving it into my pants pockets like some kind of psycho.
  65. >You make a line on the right side of the chart
  66. >Tap tap tap
  67. >A gentle knocking from your door pulls you off your train of thought
  68. Coming!
  69. >Pulling yourself out of the couch, with your pencil tucked by your ear, you make your way to the door
  70. >Knock knock knock
  71. Yeah, Yeah I heard you!
  72. >The sun blinds you for a second as the door opens, but color vision quickly returns to you
  73. >And with it, you see no sign of the pony who knocked on your door
  74. “Hello?”, you call out, scanning the horizon
  75. >”Down here.”
  76. >The voice draws your eyes downward, and you see a pinkish filly sporting a violet mane tied into loose pigtails
  77. Damn, is it the Filly Scouts time of year already?
  78. >”No, I’m here to kick your butt.”
  79. >Wow, the sales pitch is more aggressive than last year
  80. I bet you are. Can I get two boxes of Samoas before you do that, though?
  81. >You pull ten bits from your pocket and try giving them to the filly
  82. >She glares at you in response
  83. >”Don’t patronize me, jerk. Put your money back and take your lumps like an adult.”
  84. 3/
  85.  
  86. You can’t go around giving out cookies for free though. Here, just take the-
  87. >You wave the cash at her to entice her into taking it and she snaps are your hand, narrowly missing your fingers
  88. Jeez! You just lost yourself a customer, young lady!
  89. >”I’M NOT EVEN SELLING ANYTHING.”
  90. >Stepping back from the screaming filly, you lock the door and make your way to the kitchen
  91. Hopefully my spaghetti is warmed up by now.
  92. >The over door creaks as it opens, and you retrieve a warm bowl of pasta from the inside
  93. >The faint smells of tomato and garlic tickle at your nose
  94. Well, you may not be cookies, but at least you’re f-AH!
  95. >Glaring at you from your kitchen window is the terrible Filly Scout from before
  96. >You set your pasta down on the counters and glare back at her
  97. You almost gave me a heart attack, you cretin!
  98. >”I’m going to give you a lot worse than that in a second!”
  99. >She drops down from the windowsill, and you quickly move to lock your kitchen door
  100. >The bolt slides into place, and you can hear the filly grumbling to herself
  101. That’s right! Now go home before I call your mom on you.
  102. >Her silence is instant
  103. >Your empty threat worked, and you smile
  104. >”ORA!”
  105. The fuck?
  106. >Your house shudders, and you can hear the sounds of creaking and popping as the wood in your walls resists against an unknown force
  107. >Your cabinet doors jostle themselves open as the house continues to spasm, and the bowl of pasta shatters and spills across the floor
  108. What the hell are you doing to my house?!
  109. >With a loud crack, you feel the floor begin to shift
  110. >"ORA!"
  111. >Time slows to a crawl as the floor races up your legs and launches you skyward
  112. >Your house rotates around you as you float in the air
  113. >With a drawn out croaking noise, your stand manifests in front of you, and spaghetti courses out of your pockets and around your body
  114. >A heavy crash fills your ears as your house hits the ground, roof first
  115. >And time snaps back to its normal rate as you fall onto your ceiling with a saucy 'SPLAP'
  116. 4/
  117.  
  118. >"All right, mister!"
  119. >A powerful blow rings out on your kitchen wall, and your spaghetti dinner falls from your floor to your ceiling
  120. >You try to sit up, but can only manage to lift your head from your spaghetti cocoon
  121. >A second blow hits, and the wall explodes into wood splinters and drywall chunks
  122. >The filly from before steps through the hole she made, flanked by a strange bipedal figure
  123. What the hell is wrong with you?
  124. >"...wrong with me?"
  125. >The figure raises an oversized hand and punches the wall, making the house shake
  126. >"What's wrong with me," she growls as she advances on you, "is not a dang thi-!"
  127. >In a scene almost from a children's cartoon, she steps onto your floor/ceiling spaghetti and slides headfirst into your flatware cabinet
  128. >>"Guhh...", she grumbles as she falls over
  129. >The figure she entered your house with fades out of sight when she hits the ceiling
  130.  
  131. >A few minutes later, you find the strength to pull yourself out of your pasta armor
  132. >And, after flipping your couch and balancing the legs on your ceiling-turned-floor, you gently set your attacker down on it
  133. Well, this wasn't like my chinese comics at all.
  134. >You plop onto the couch by her head, which probably isn't a good idea since she's unconscious, and look her over
  135. >She's young, probably not much older than Applebloom, with a cutie mark of a hedgehog
  136. >Her mane, now that you look closely at it, is fairly messy with small twigs and that oily sheen that comes from not washing it for a long time
  137. >And her build isn't much better, being slight to the point of barely being there at all
  138. Fucks sake...
  139. >Standing up, carefully, you climb towards your bedroom and start digging through the mess
  140. Where is it...aha!
  141. >Wedged under your mattress is a hand-sized piece of wood, with purple runes carved into the surface
  142. >Heaving a sigh and swallowing your pride, you bring the magical object to your ear
  143. Heeey Twilight, I know you're probably not in the mood to talk to me right now, but I need a favor...
  144. 5/
  145.  
  146. >And so, after an hour and enough ass-kissing to make Rikishi blush, your house has been set back the way God, Celestia, and The HOA intended
  147. >The inside of your house, however, is still as much of a mess as it was before
  148. >Furniture is scattered through all the rooms of your home
  149. >Pasta sauce drips off the ceiling as you move around your kitchen, setting the table and chairs upright
  150. >Your work done, you sit down and summon your stand, which sta-...appears beside you
  151. Okay. She should be waking up any minute now. With all the crap blocking the front door, the only way she'll have to get out is through the kitchen door behind us.
  152. >You gesture at the gaping hole in the wall behind you
  153. All I need now is for you to look intimidating.
  154. >Your stand flips its hoodie up, hiding the top half of its froggy face
  155. Perfect.
  156. >"Ugh, my head", groans the young filly in your living room
  157. >You hear a thump as she falls off your couch, and heavy hoofsteps follow as she makes her way towards the kitchen
  158. >As she passes through the doorway, her eyes go wide when she sees you
  159. >"Why are you still here?"
  160. Well, this is my house.
  161. >"But I tipped your house over."
  162. That doesn't change the fact that it's my house."
  163. >"No, I mean...ugh."
  164. >She growls as she climbs into the empty chair
  165. >"Why am I still here?"
  166. Oh, that!
  167. >You lean across the table towards your guest
  168. It's because you tipped my house over.
  169. >She glares at you in response, and her stand manifests behind her, giving you your first clear look at it
  170. >And it looks like the unholy spawn of Pippi Longstocking and Metal Knuckles
  171. >"Stop joshing."
  172. No joshery here. You flipped my house over and messed up all my stuff, so you have to help me fix it up and get replacements and stuff.
  173. >"Why should I have to help YOU fix YOUR stuff?"
  174. Because YOU'RE the one who broke it. Plus, I'd be willing to give you room and board until all the work is done.
  175. >You can hear her stomach roar at the thought of food, and her stand disappears
  176. 6/
  177.  
  178. Of course, it's up to you if you want t-
  179. >"Okay, I'll help fix your house."
  180. -oo staaay.
  181. >Damnit, you had a whole speech prepared and everything about the value of work
  182. >Your stand goes to the oven and removes two warmed bowls of pants spaghetti from inside
  183. By the way, what do you call your stand?
  184. >"Stand?"
  185. "Yeah, you know. These guys.", you say as you gesture at your own Stand
  186. >The bowls clink on the table as they are gingerly set down
  187. >"Banished. What about yours?"
  188. Me? Oh, I named it...
  189. >You scan you stand, drawing deep into the wellspring of your being to find a suitable name
  190. Green...sleeves. Greensleeves.
  191. >Your stand shakes its head in dismay and disappears
  192. >"That's lame. Even your stand thought it was lame."
  193. Yeah, well it beat you didn't it? Now eat your pasta; starting tomorrow, we'll have a lot of work ahead of us.
  194. >The filly picks at her bowl for a moment, darting glances between you and her food
  195. Well?
  196. >As if you said a magic word, she mashes her face into the bowl and dines in earnest
  197. >You chuckle at her as you twirl some noodles onto a fork and raise them to your lips
  198. >It takes all you can do to resist vomiting
  199. "This pasta tastes like ass and soda!", you cry as you hurl your fork into the wall
  200. >How is she stomaching this?
  201. >"YOUGONNAEATTHATNOOKAY"
  202. >Banished's arm rockets toward your bowl and rips it back towards its user
  203. >The wind from its arm is strong enough to knock you to the floor
  204. >As you rub your bruised ass yet again, you try to look at the positives
  205. >If you are crazy, at least you've met someone who shares your delusions
  206. /7
  207.  
  208. Stand Stats
  209. Stand Name: Banished https://youtu.be/xFgdIBW180k
  210. User: Lily Longsocks
  211. Power: S
  212. Speed: A
  213. Range: D
  214. Durability: D
  215. Precision: B
  216. Potential: C
  217.  
  218. Stand Name: Greensleeves https://youtu.be/XCspzg9-bAg
  219. User: Anonymous
  220. Power: D

c: April Fool

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