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Originally Published September 27th, 2018
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Then republished for some reason on February 25th, 2020
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No.
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>"Oh wouldst thou quit acting like such a foal?"
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I'm not acting like one.
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>"Anon c'mon! This is the third rewrite you've turned down!"
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It's hardly a rewrite when they're all the same thing with a different name.
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>"N-no, it's fine girls. I'll just head home and work on it some more...."
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>"NO."
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>"NO!"
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>"No no really, it's fi-"
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ALRIGHT GOD, STOP WITH THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SHIT. HERE'S HOW WE'RE DOING THIS-
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1/
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>"AND THERE WE ARE,” the dragon booms as he admires the object he sets before you, “ONE LIFE-SUSTAINING VESSEL.”
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>You, that is Twileer, and Jean De Lune gaze silently as he sets a coffin-shaped device on the cave floor in front of you
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>Jean De Lune taps her sword-hilt on the coffin-lid, and it sounds off with a metallic ringing
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>"This seems a bit morbid, my love. Are you sure you can’t re-animate Anonymous yourself?”
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>"YES, I SUPPOSE IT IS FUNNY IN A DARK WAY,” He chuckles heartily, the laughter echoing off the depths of the cave
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>”BUT SADLY I CANNOT, FOR EVEN NECROMANCY HAS LIMITS TO WHAT IT CAN RESTORE.”
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>You touch the coffin yourself, trying to soak in some knowledge of how it functions, and gasp as the information floods into you
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Th-this is powerful chronological magic! Where did you collect this from?!
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>The thought of knowledge untapped makes you salivate, and drool drips down your chin
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>"ACTUALLY, I INHERITED THIS DEVICE FROM MY TEACHER, MASTER DETRITUS. HE LEFT OUR PLANE SOME TIME AGO IN THE PURSUIT OF LOFTIER PLANES OF RESEARCH.”
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“Darn,” you spit as you wipe the drool off on your sleeve. ‘So, is there anything we should know about its functions? I’d hate to turn our friend back to ashes by mistake.”
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>The dragon raises a mighty claw to his chin and scratches thoughtfully at the scales
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>"THE COFFIN WILL WORK IT’S MAGIC UPON ANONYMOUS FOR AS LONG AS IT REMAINS CLOSED WITH HIM INSIDE. PROVIDED YOU KEEP IT CLOSED UNTIL YOU RETURN TO YOUR INN, YOU SHOULD FIND YOUR FRIEND ALIVE AND READY TO CONTINUE YOUR ADVENTURES.”
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>Jean de Lune claps her hands excitedly
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>“Excellent! Then we shall be back tomorrow with Anonymous! After all, he needs to officiate our w-wedding…”
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>The bard blushes furiously burying her face into her hands, and the dragon seems to turn a slight shade of red underneath his scales. Gross.
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2/
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Well, let’s strap him to the wagon and get going, Jean. I’m itching to test out these legs your new husband gave me.
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>You bend and pick up the coffin, but a burning like fire races up your arms and you drop it to the ground
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Some assistance, please?
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>With the same ease he used to set it down, the Dragon lifts the coffin up and sets it on your wagon. With no further business there this day, you and Jean de Lune head into the woods that lead back to town
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>The sun is high on the trail, breaking through the treetops in bright columns and lining the packed dirt pathway
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>Jean de Lune plays a lilting song on her lute as your wagon trundles through the woods, a mournful song of two lovers kept apart by fate
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Jean, you do know we’re going to see him again tomorrow right?
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>”I know,” she sighs wistfully. “But I can’t bear to be separated from him a moment longer.”
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>She raises a hand to her forehead, letting her instrument fall to the wagon floor
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Oh please, you’ve solicited dozens of men before him. You’ll be fine.
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>”I have done no such thing! I am very discriminating in who shares my bed. Besides, I’ve never felt a touch like his before…”
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Jean. Every inn we stay at, you cast a silence spell before going to sleep.
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>”So? I prefer to wake after sunrise, and the spell prevents me from hearing the roosters in the courtyard.”
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And every time you cast it you get the last word wrong. Which means that I get to hear every little purr and whimper you and your guests make from my cot across the room.
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>”I-I have no idea what you mean Twileer. Surely you must be mis-”
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“Oh Jeffery, what big strong hands you have! Care to show me just how strong they are~?”
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>”…”
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For fifty copper I’ll teach you how to wipe my memory.
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>”Forty.”
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Fifty. We’ll need some guide-dogs to practice on, because this is not a spell you where you can safely mess up the wording.
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>”Fine. You can be a real demon, Twi-Twileer get down!”
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3/
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>Jean pulls you down by your collar, and your hat is whisked away by the arrow which narrowly misses your scalp
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>You and Jean hit forest floor with a thud, and the wood creaks as you press against the wagon for cover. The air around you is quiet
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*TINK-TI-TI-TINK*
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>A dozen arrows embed themselves into the opposite side of the wagon
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Thanks for the save, Jean.
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>”You can thank me later. Do you have any potions to help us?”
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Some in the wagon, maybe. But they’re all liable to set the forest ablaze. Damnit I should’ve thought ahead.
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>”I do wonder who could be following us, though.” Slowly, Jean straightens herself up to peer over the edge of the wagon
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>Her nose presses against the wooden panel as she peers into the trees and you turn your gaze backwards to Anon’s coffin, which rests on a small cart hitched to the wagon
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Just our luck, huh Anon? How’re things lookin’ up there?
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>”I don’t see anyone, but I doubt they’re gone. How is our horse?”
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>You look to the front of your wagon. Your horse, a chestnut-colored mare, snuffles silently as if to ask when you would be moving forward
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The horse is fine. That’s good. Means there’s a chance we can talk our way out of this.
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>”A chance I can talk our way out of this, you mean.” Jean pulls herself down to meet your eye
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Well who else do you recommend? Anon?
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>”He is better at negotiating than I am.”
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Yes, but he’s also dead.
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>”Resting. He’ll get better at the inn.”
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Yes but I doubt our robbers will be so patient with us.
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>”We could ask them.”
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Oh really? What, we should just stand up and go “Hey, our Paladin’s a bit dead at the moment. Would you mind waiting an hour for him to come back before you resume your robbery?”
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>Jean pouts and flicks a pebble by her feet. “Well when you put it like that…”
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>”We can’t do hour. Five minutes okay?”, a nasally scratching voice perks up beside you
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>You and Jean look away from each other and towards the dozen or so kobolds with drawn and ready bows pointed at you
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Fuck.
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4/
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>”No armor friend, hmm?”, comes the scratching voice again
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>It belongs to older kobold standing at the front of the group, leaning a staff to support its weight. His face has a slightly more menacing look to it, considering kobolds aren’t very menacing to begin with
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>”Harem-scouts tell me he gave mercy. Very big fool. Should have killed.”
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>”Damned horndog,” Jean mumbles
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>The kobold hobbles forward again, limping heavily on his right leg
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>”Kobolds who can’t protect group don’t deserve to live. But I am fool too. I come back with them to give chance to redeem themselves. Right?”
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>The kobolds behind him let out an affirmative grunt
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>”And very lucky we find you, they can stay alive, warm my den tonight.” The word tonight comes out as a throaty chuckle, and you can see a kobold behind him grimace a bit.
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>“But you two,” he gestures at you and Jean with his staff, “must make choice.”
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>”Don’t worry Twileer, I’ll handle this.” Jean scoots forward on the dirt and flashes her friendliest smile. “So, what are our choices?”
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>He points his staff towards the coffin Anon is resting inside of, and croaks “Give us treasure box and die quick, or we take treasure box and you die slow.”
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>”I see…Any chance we can just, mosey along and pretend we never saw each other?”
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>He rubs the base of jaw with his staff. ”No.”
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>”What if I give you all the cash in our purses right now?”
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>”We can take purse when you’re dead.”
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>”What if-“
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“Enough!”, you bellow, and swing your foot around to kick him as hard as you can in his right leg.
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>There’s a loud *POP* when your boot connects with his hip, and he drops to the dirt in a screeching heap
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>”Shoot them!”
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>You dive back into the wagon to grab your potion bag while Jean rolls underneath the wagon to take cover on the far side
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>From you bag and through a hail of arrows you throw three vials into the crowd, covering the ground with a slick layer of grease
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>While this happens, the slime creature finishes enveloping the coffin with Anon inside
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5/
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>"Anon what the hell?!"
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What? What did I do?
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>You are Anon, it is D&D night, and Twilight Sparkle is staring daggers at you across a plate of sub sandwiches
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>”Having a slime devour Fluttershy’s helpless character? Really?
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“And?” You shrug. “If you didn’t want him to get eaten, you should’ve done something about it.”
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>The furrow in Twilight’s brow deepens. Luna clears her throat through a mouthful of a hay hero
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>”Anon, how many turns would it take for a slime to engulf an object of that size?”
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Uh.
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>You run the numbers in your head, cross-checking with your reference sheets
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Three. Should take three turns at the least.
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>”Right. Now, how long has that slime been in combat for?”
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“He’s been there the whole time, purp for brain. Look,” you speak calmly in an effort to defuse the tension, “I know you think I’m picking on ol’ Fluffernutter with this, but I’m just trying to keep the game in-“
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>”N-no it wasn’t.”
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>You turn to look at Fluttershy, who has been quiet since the start of the evening
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>”I-it wasn’t. You n-never mentioned a slime before the last t-turn”, Fluttershy states, and Luna “”MM”’s in affirmation.
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What? No, I’m sure I mentioned it…
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>You pore through the notes you’ve made of this session, mumbling as you trace the party’s adventure from the dragon’s cave through the forest path
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>Sure enough, there’s the stat blocks you put together for the kobolds, and even one for the slime currently devouring Anon the Just
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>But nowhere in your session notes do you mention when it entered combat
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Fuck.
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>Twilight’s smug grin greets you as you lift your head up from your papers
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>”You can be such a foal sometimes, Anon.”
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6/
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I already told you I’m not picking on her! I just forgot to introduce the slime with the kobolds. The staff that the gimpy one had was a wand that controlled it.
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>”So let’s just start over from when the kobolds first jumped us and properly introduce the slime.”
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Ew, no. No retro.
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>”Oh come on. Princess Luna, you agree with me right?”
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>”Anonymous is correct TwECH” Luna coughs through her sandwich, sending a cascade of moistened crumbs and spittle into Twilight’s face
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>”Sorry. As we were saying, Anonymous is correct. Doing so would give us an unfair advantage in combat.”
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Precisely. Besides, I just thought of a fix.
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>You grab your trusty d20 and roll it behind the GM screen
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Okay. Shy, I need you to roll a Con and an Int saving throw. Con first, please.
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>”Okay.” Fluttershy scoops up her teal d20 and rolls it, calling out the number when it stops. She then repeats the process
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Good. Now take your seats ladies, and let’s continue.
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>Struggling to stand on the slick ground, the kobold archers begin to slip and fall
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>You pull another bottle from your bag, one with a swirling green flame dancing inside, and angle it threateningly at the lead kobold
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Now then, would you rather die quick, or pretend you never saw us today?
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>He responds with a pained laugh and spits your feet
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>”No. But you,” he points to your left, “my pet make you die slow.”
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>Confused, you turn your gaze in the direction he is pointing in, and see a large green slime at the end of your wagon. Churning inside its body is the golden casket, and Anon’s half-restored corpse
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Anon!
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>The creature continues churning the two together, and Anon’s form is quickly lost amongst the green jelly of the slime’s body. Within a moment, he is gone
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7/
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>Forcing back your anger you turn to the kobold, who is quietly and painfully laughing as he steadies himself on his cane. Many of the fallen kobolds have moved into the trees, steadying their slick feet by gripping the branches with their tails
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>If you tried throwing the flask now, you would be shot, and then Jean would be in danger from the flames. But you keep your hand up, hoping for a safe window of time to throw it
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>”Now, pet! Eat them!”, the kobold screeches, and his archers in the trees cheer as the gelatinous green form begins to slide its way to yourself and Jean
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>But after moving only five feet, it quivers and comes to a stop
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>The kobold laughs again. “Hah! My pet is thinking of who to eat first! Vicious! Come, choose!”
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>The kobold gestures between you and the slime with his staff. The slime, for its part, remains still, the coffin inside of it slowly turning around
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>”Slime!” Clearly agitated, the kobold hobbles over to the slime and begins striking it with his staff
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>The other kobolds still have their bows trained on you, so you don’t dare make a move. You need to wait for the right moment to throw your potion
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>*WHAP* “Slime!” *WHAP* “Kill them!” *WHAP* “Bad slime! *WHAP* “Kill!”
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>*SQUELCH*
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>In an instant the slime moves its ooze a few feet away from the kobold, leaving behind a vertically oriented, quite unstable, and quite heavy magical coffin where it once stood
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>He can barely mutter out an “Oh” before the coffin crushes him, snapping his staff and killing him instantly
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>The other kobolds go into shock from the death of their leader, falling from the trees and feebly slipping on the oily ground as they try to escape. A perfect opportunity to set them ablaze in revenge for Anon
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Eat this, you scaly rats!
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>You cock your arm back far, ready to put your entire being into throwing the flask into the trees. But as you go to throw it, something stops you. Something warm, and slimy
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8/
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>You turn and see the slime holding your arm still, while Jean stabs it to make it relinquish its grip
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>“Let go of my companion you ooze!” She yells as she continues stabbing the mass with her rapier
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>”JEBBHRRT”, the slime responds. Its body changes shape to deflect the rapier assault, and you feel the grip on your hand tighten as a result
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Jean stop, you’re making it worse!
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>”TWBBLRR” The slime changes shape again, keeping its grip on your hand as its ooze redistributes and shifts into a somewhat humanoid form
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>”twwwiler?” It speaks in a voice that is familiar but tired
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You narrow your eyes at the creature holding you. “Are you…”
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>”hhhow long have I been out?” The slime’s grip on your hand loosens, and it stumbles backwards into Jean and falls on the floor with a *SPLAP*
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>”the llast thing i remember, we were going to fight a dragon, and then it goes dark.” The slime shudders on the floor, its shape becoming more defined
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>The torso molds into a proper chest and waist, and the arms and legs stretch and thin out into digits at their ends
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>The head smooths and contours to look like a human’s head, gaining features similar to eyes, a nose, and lips
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>A mark of raised slime like a question mark appears on its face, ever so similar to the brand given to the acolytes of Anon’s order
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>A slight ripple goes through its body, and various finer features detail themselves on the crests of the small waves before they spread outward and the body is still
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>The slimy effigy of a man lays on the ground, blinking quietly and smacking its lips before turning its head to look at you
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>”Did you put sleeping potion in my food again, Twileer? I thought we talked about this.”
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Anon? Is that really you?
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>”I hope so,” he replies with a grin.” Why, should I be someone else?”
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9/
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>The slime Anon sits himself up, and with Jean’s help, stands up on his feet
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>”I do have to say though, this is one of the strangest dreams I’ve had in quite a long time.”
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“Anon, this isn’t a dream.” You reach out and place your hand on his slimy shoulder. “I’m afraid this is all real.”
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>Anon laughs. ”Listen Dream-friend, I’ve been experimented on you enough to know the difference between a normal dream and a magic drug dream. Jean! Tell her it’s a dream! You always back me up in my magic drug dreams.”
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>”Twileer is right, Anonymous,” Jean responds in a solemn tone. “But a few short moments ago, you were dead. Killed at the hands of my new husband.”
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>”Pfft! Jean getting married? And you mean to tell me this isn’t a dream? And pray tell,” Anon swivels his head to face Jean, “if I was in fact killed by your new spouse, then why am I still alive?”
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Because he gave us a magical artifact to restore your life as an apology for murder-raping you!
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>“I’ll be sure to congratulate your waking self on this new soporific, Twileer,” Anon sighs gelatinously, “but I would rather much like to wake up now. Excuse me.”
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>Anon steps to move around Jean, but she follows him to block his path
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>When he turns around to walk the other way, you hop down from the wagon to stop him
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Anon, this is no dream! You’re already awake!
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>”Nonsense! I’ve been in enough of your magical drug dreams to know how to wake up from them, Twileer. Any moment now, the kobold orgy is going to start, and once I satisfy them all I’ll be right back in the waking world.”
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>The kobolds, who had been screaming and scrabbling until now, go silent at the words “kobold orgy”
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>”Perfect timing,” Anon shouts as he pushes past you and races to the oily defenseless kobolds, who begin to scream as he gets closer
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Anon, no! This isn’t a dream!
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10/
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>You, Twilight, and Princess Luna sit around the table quietly as Fluttershy continues to describe, in graphic detail, the pleasurable qualities of Anon the Just’s slime tentacles as they thrust in and out of the kobold harem
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>You tried getting her to stop, all three of you tried at some point, but that feels like hours ago now
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>It must have been hours ago, because it was evening when the game started and now the faintest rays of sunshine are tickling your kitchen floor
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>You survey the damage as Fluttershy begins talking about cervical penetration
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>Luna’s jaw is agape, full of half-chewed sandwich that a few flies are helping her to eat
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>A beam of sunlight burns into Twilight’s left eye, but her right eye is the one twitching in response to the pain
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>You can feel a callous forming on your ass, and one of your legs is getting that fuzzy feeling like it’s about to fall asleep
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>You should’ve never left Discord’s LARP group
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>Fucking kobolds
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11/11
by Greggums
by Greggums
by Greggums
by Greggums
by Greggums