The R.A.P.E. Team


                                            Originally Published March 26th, 2018


                                            For the original and much better series of greens that inspired this, check out The Boner Police by https://pastebin.com/u/_Leaf_

                                            ___

                                            >Water splashes behind you as little fillies and colts play in the fountain

                                            Come on, come on....

                                            >You are Roseluck

                                            >You've been pacing back and forth for what feels like hours now

                                            They were supposed to be here two minutes ago!

                                            >The splashing behind you is setting you on edge

                                            >You weren't exactly waiting for something legal here, after all

                                            >"Um, excuse me..."

                                            >A soft voice pipes up next to you

                                            GYAHA!

                                            >You fall backwards into the fountain, and a filly hops off your stomach

                                            Oof! Ughh

                                            >"Oh no, are you okay?"

                                            >The voice belongs to a stallion with a slight build, a long pink mane, and a black mustache

                                            >And feet like a cat, because damned if you didn't notice him at all before then

                                            I'm...fine. Mind telling me why you're going around scaring ponies?

                                            >The stallions face makes an O of surprise

                                            >"Scaring ponies?! Oh my no, I was just trying to get your attention since you didn't see me when I waved."

                                            >You feel the tinge of pasta at the back of your throat

                                            >How long had he been there?

                                            >You push the thought and the pasta down

                                            >You can do this, Roseluck

                                            I, uhh, I heard you could put me in touch with

                                            >You drop your voice to a whisper

                                            the R.A.P.E. team.

                                            1/


                                            >The stallion narrows his eyes at you

                                            >"Maybe I can. What seems to be your problem?"

                                            >So far so good

                                            It's these timberwolves. They've been comimg into my garden and ripping up my hydrangeas!

                                            >He raises an eyebrow

                                            >"Isn't this a p-problem for your Mayor to handle?"

                                            I tried talking to Mayor Mare, but all she keeps telling me is "They're endangered creatures, we can't go around killing them." But I don't want to kill them, I just want them gone!

                                            >You grasp his shirt collar and yank him towards you

                                            >He opens his mouth to speak, but you shake him before the words come out

                                            DID YOU KNOW TIMBERWOLVES DON'T SHIT? IT'S JUST SAP! YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO CLEAN UP?

                                            >The stallion lets out a hearty laugh

                                            WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!

                                            >"D-don't worry, Roseluck."

                                            >He grabs his mustache and pulls gently on it

                                            >His features seem to soften as it loosens

                                            >And then, his yellow fur and pink mane suddenly make sense

                                            ...Fluttershy?

                                            >"T-that's right. And The R.A.P.E. Team is at your service."

                                            2/


                                            >Be Fluttershy

                                            >You just made a customer!

                                            Yay!

                                            >Roseluck gave you directions to her home, and even paid in advance!

                                            Woohoo!

                                            >"Sir? Will that be cash or check?"

                                            >The sales clerk wags her hoof in your face

                                            O-oh. Cash please.

                                            >You drop some bits in her hoof and take your groceries

                                            >Flipping up your collar, you duck out of the store

                                            >The road is quiet as you walk down to the marina

                                            >The warehouses are all closing for the night

                                            >Except the one at the end, which has long been abandoned

                                            >Or at least, that's how it looks from the outside

                                            >Approaching the door, you do the secret knock

                                            >Knock-knock

                                            Eep!

                                            >You wait

                                            >From behind the door comes a response

                                            >"C'mon in Shy, I told you we don't need a secret knock."

                                            >-BZZZZ

                                            Oh...

                                            >You liked the secret knock

                                            >Picking up the groceries, you walk into the door

                                            Ow!

                                            >"Open it when I buzz, not after!"

                                            >-BZZZZ

                                            3/


                                            >The inside of the abandoned warehouse is sparsely furnished

                                            >Lyra is on the couch, practicing her harp

                                            >Rainbow is probably off in the garage, working on the van

                                            >Wallking into the small kitchen, you set the groceries on the counter

                                            >They're gonna be so excited!

                                            Girls?

                                            >Harpstrings and metal clanging

                                            Girls!?

                                            >More noises...

                                            >Sighing, you take out a bag of cheez-y-curls

                                            >-POP

                                            >"Hey Fluttershy! Whats with the groceries?"

                                            AH!

                                            >You fling the bag in the air, and Lyra catches it with her magic

                                            W-we got a job, Lyra! The r-R.A.P.E. Team is needed in town!

                                            >"Whoo!"

                                            And they paid in advance!

                                            >"WHOO!"

                                            >Curls fly across the room as Lyra flings the bag into the garage

                                            >"WHAT THE HELL, LYRA?!"

                                            >"Oh can it! We got work!

                                            >"AWW YE-THUNK"

                                            >The metal clang sounds throughout the warehouse

                                            >"FUCKING OW"

                                            4/


                                            >Cheez-y-curls and your friends gather at the table

                                            O-okay girls, our c-client is Roseluck. She

                                            >"Eww, pass." Rainbow crunches a curl

                                            >"I mean, I get we rape ponies, but"

                                            No!

                                            >Your hoof pomf's onto the table

                                            She has a timberwolf p-problem and wants them taken care of.

                                            >Lyra brightens up

                                            >"I've never raped a timberwolf before."

                                            W-what?

                                            >"Yeah, Lyra. Timberwolves have splinters and shit."

                                            >Oh dear, not this talk again

                                            I t-thought we decided we weren't raping anypony anymore...

                                            >Lyra and Rainbow look at you counfused

                                            >"Then why are we called "The R.A.P.E. Team"?"

                                            >Lyra nods "Yeah, I thought it stood for "Rape All Ponies Equally"

                                            A-actually, it's "Remove All Pests, Efficiently."

                                            >"I thought it was "Rape Anon, Preferably Everyday" Rainbow adds

                                            >"Not that we can even get near him nowadays..."

                                            >Anon...the love of your lives

                                            >Everypony goes quiet for a moment

                                            >"Well, anything's better than sitting around with this damn harp all day. What non-rape thing do we have to do, Shy?"

                                            >Lyra leans across the table towards you

                                            >"And I've been itching to test out the new mods on the van!"

                                            >Rainbow drapes a hoof around Lyra

                                            >Feelings of Anon get pushed away by the smile growing on your face

                                            W-we need a driver.

                                            5/


                                            >The air is cold outside the Ponyville Rehabilitation Center

                                            >And inside its walls is the best darned driver that Equestria has ever known:

                                            >Berry Punch

                                            >You and Lyra are currently crouched in the bushes, waiting for the center to open

                                            >Lyra passes you a thermos of coffee

                                            >You take a nice, warm sip and hand it back

                                            S-so, how do you plan to get Berry out?

                                            >Lyra was always good at greasing up ponies

                                            >"Just leave it to me."

                                            >She stretches and pops her joints

                                            >With a wink, she grabs your disguise bag and heads towards the office

                                            >From the bushes, you see her pull out a clipboard and pen

                                            >And then she sets the bag into the bushes

                                            N-no!

                                            >What is she doing?!

                                            >Where's the rest of her disguise!?

                                            >You watch in horror as Lyra steps inside

                                            >...And five minutes later, she is walking out with Berry Punch

                                            >She drops the bag into your hooves

                                            H-how did you do it?

                                            >"She tapped her clipboard and said 'I need to borrow Berry Punch for a few minutes.'" Berry articulately comments

                                            >"Basically, yeah. Now have some coffee, Berry." Lyra chatters while handing her a different thermos

                                            >Berry takes the thermos and and sips it

                                            >And grimaces

                                            >"...Hot Kahlua ish grossh, but I'll take it."

                                            6/


                                            >You swing by the warehouse to pick up Rainbow and the van

                                            >And with Berry severely inebriated to be able to drive properly, you race across town

                                            S-so girls, you remember the plan?

                                            >Rainbow raises her hoof "I cover myself in timberwolf pheromones to draw them out of the garden since I'm 20% faster than anyone here."

                                            R-right. Lyra?

                                            >Lyra nods "Me and you keep the van doors open so Rainbow can dive inside when we get to The Everfree."

                                            Very good! And you, Berry?

                                            >"SSSSHHUT UP AH'M TRYIN TA DRIVE HERE!"

                                            Great!

                                            >You put your hoof out

                                            We s-should be getting close to Roseluck's by now. Is e-everypony ready?

                                            >A minty green hoof touches yours

                                            >Then a light blue hoof

                                            >And then a mulberry hoof

                                            Let's g-g-wait.

                                            >The three ponies sitting in the back of the van stare back at you in anticipation

                                            >1...2...3...

                                            ...B-berry?

                                            >"WAHT?"

                                            Who's d-driving the van?

                                            >You, Lyra, Rainbow, and Berry stare at the empty drivers seat

                                            >Then at Berry

                                            >"IT'SH GOOD. I SHHET THE CROOSHE CONTROL."

                                            7/?


                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Wake up

                                            >Do the Triple-S

                                            >Sit down at the table for a bowl of Appleslaps

                                            >"Appul"

                                            >Today is gonna be a good day

                                            >You had a date with Roseluck later

                                            >She seems really excited to show you how her hydrangeas have been doing

                                            >And no ponies have tried raping you all week!

                                            >Lifting the creal to your mouth, you hear a noise outside

                                            >knoCk-THUCK-CRASH

                                            >A black and red van crashes through your front door

                                            WHAT THE FUCK!

                                            >It hits your coffee table and sends its occupants crashing into your couch

                                            >Four ponies: One yellow, one blue, one green, and one mulberry

                                            >Oh god, it's them

                                            WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?

                                            >"R-relocating timberwolves?" Fluttershy sheepsihly responds

                                            >-POOF-

                                            >A green gas fills the room before you can reply

                                            >"Oh no, the timberwolf pheromones!" Lyra yells

                                            What?

                                            >You hear a howl in the distance

                                            >Then two, and then more

                                            >Your bowl of Appleslaps vibrates its way off the table

                                            >And then the Timberwolves pour in through the door

                                            THE FOLLOWING SECTION OF THE BROADCAST IS REMOVED DUE TO THE FOLLOWING: SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.

                                            >The timberwolves, finally satisfied, flood out of your house towards the woods

                                            >"A-another job well done!" Fluttershy cheers as she cimbs in the van

                                            >"YEAH!" The ponies have a sap-covered group hug

                                            >Then the van backs out of your house and drives off

                                            Whyyyyy.....

                                            >You pass out, hoping Roseluck will forgive you for missing your date

                                            8/?


                                            >In 2013, a crack pirate crew was sent to prison by a military court for impersonating Boner Police, >rape, and multiple moving violations. These mares promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ponyville underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The R.A.P.E.-Team."


                                            https://youtu.be/_MVonyVSQoM

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