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[FLUTTERRAPE] Thread Shorts Volume 11

By Nebulus
Created: 2022-03-17 18:06:42
Updated: 2022-03-17 20:38:18
Expiry: Never
anonnsfwcomedyflutterrapevarious characters

  1. Somehow, more shorts. I keep finding them stuffed behind the cushions on the sofa. Some of them smell kind of dank, got that 'pickled onions' vibe to them, but they should still be good.
  2.  
  3. ---
  4.  
  5. Twilight and Fluttershy ponder life.
  6.  
  7. >"You ever reflect on why?"
  8. >Twilight has stopped her scribbling and mumbling before the blackboard and is looking right at you, her eyebrow arched in the manner it always is when she asks a question she knows you're going to have to press her on.
  9. >You lean back in your seat and away from the open book on primate habits, ready to humour her.
  10. "Why what?"
  11. >"Why we're still doing this?"
  12. >Again she gives you that look, and given your instinctual impatience you can tell you're not in the mood for one of her philosophical ventures at this hour.
  13. >Night fell some time ago and neither of you have made any significant progress since she flung open your door that afternoon and set up shop in your living room.
  14. >You give a half-hearted shrug and rub at your eye.
  15. "Anon needs figuring out. We're the only two still stubborn enough to try."
  16. >"Would you call us stubborn? That implies what we're doing is futile."
  17. >The clock on the wall is approaching eleven. You're usually in bed by now, but Twilight, annoyingly, still seems perky.
  18. >Your drowsy eyes drift to the coffee pot beside the blackboard. A thin pool of solid black remains. She's had the entire thing.
  19. "Feels like it sometimes... Should we call it a night?"
  20. >"I'm not tired."
  21. "You'll crash."
  22. >"Not the first time. Coffee is a harsh but fair mistress."
  23. >She grins toothily, her manic look jarring to you.
  24. >You have to repress the urge to scowl. She can be irritating, but the same can be said for all your friends. You still love her, even if she rubs you the wrong way sometimes.
  25. >Such as tonight.
  26. >You look over your shoulder to the staircase.
  27. >An exhausted rabbit sleeps on one of the upper steps, long since having given up trying to drag you upstairs, he opted to waiting with folded arms and a tapping foot until you gave in.
  28. >You didn't, so there he still is, mouth wide open and gentle snores carrying in the silence between you and Twilight.
  29. "I think I'm going to bed, unless you have any breakthroughs you want to share?"
  30. >"You still haven't answered my question."
  31. "Why are we doing this? Heck, Twilight, why do I keep feeding Angel up there when he kicks medicine out of my hooves and refuses to say thank you for his meals? I love him. I love Anonymous too, so I endure. That's my reason, at least."
  32. >She nods a bit too much; caffeine and unicorns are a worrisome mix.
  33. >"Oh sure, I totally love him too. Anonymous I mean, not Angel. I guess he's alright too, though."
  34. "Then there we are."
  35. >You stand up and stretch, arching your back like a cat and first wincing at something popping in your spine, but enjoying the subtle euphoria that follows.
  36. "I'm heading upstairs, you're welcome to the sofa or you can come up with me and we can sleep together, I don't mind."
  37. >"Come on, that's not enough."
  38. "Sofa or bed, I've not got a spare room."
  39. >"No, the reason for still doing this."
  40. >You rub your eyes again and fail to stop a laboured sigh.
  41. "What other reason can there be? Me and you are the only ones of the group left that still care."
  42. >"Maybe that's it. It's a competition."
  43. "With you?"
  44. >"Why not? Maybe we're both driven to be the last mare standing. The winner gets the prize."
  45. "Anon isn't going to fall for whoever's still annoying him when everyone else has given up. If anything I think he'll hate you even more if you're still the only one trying in a year."
  46. >"I think he'd appreciate my tenacity."
  47. "After two years? If he was into tenacity we'd have both won already."
  48. >"Sure, but maybe he's waiting for the last mare to give up."
  49. >You're staring at each other, and you wipe your eyes again.
  50. "So... what? Is that your new plan, just to stick it out until I give up?"
  51. >"I'll keep trying other stuff too, but this is like a side-project. Something else to work towards. I've even added it to my check-list, see?"
  52. >Her check-list had previously consisted of two items: '[Find Anonymous' fetish]' and '[Win his heart]'.
  53. >A messily-scribbled '[Outlast Fluttershy]' had been sandwiched between the two articles.
  54. >Twilight tips the coffee pot over her open mouth and savours the last drops of coffee.
  55. >"So, that's what I've come up with. What about you?"
  56. >You regard your book on primate habits dumbly. You've read half of it this evening, but on reflection you can't remember any of it, only that your eyes ran over the words and you turned the pages. You shake your head.
  57. "No, it's too late. Too late, Twilight. I'm going to bed."
  58. >"Can we still sleep together? Even though we're in a contest?"
  59. "Of course we can. Unlike you I don't see my friends as rivals or enemies to overcome."
  60. >"I never said that," she chirps from behind as you ascend.
  61. >You scoop up Angel as you go.
  62. "It's sort of implied by you wanting to 'outlast' me in a 'contest'."
  63. >"Maybe it's just the coffee talking. If I still remember I even wrote it down tomorrow it'll show I was serious."
  64. "Do you think you are?"
  65. >"I tend to lose my grip on reality around this point in my studies. I'm usually most productive during the first hour or so."
  66. "Then why did we keep going for this long? Why not call it quits around six?"
  67. >"Because," she gives you a small smile. "I like hanging out with you. It's fun working together on a project."
  68. >Through the adamant wall of your weary impatience, she's pulled at your heart yet again.
  69. >And that's why it's difficult to stay upset at her.
  70. "So that's what we have to show for... how long?"
  71. >"Seven hours."
  72. "Seven hours and all we came up with was 'potential betrayal'."
  73. >You slide into bed, Twilight gets in across from you and you shuffle up against each other.
  74. >You deflate against the mattress and pillow, yawning.
  75. >Twilight's eyes are still as wide as ever and she shows no sign of actually sleeping, sat up as she is under the sheets looking down at you.
  76. "Maybe just read until you fall asleep?" you say over another yawn.
  77. >"Nah. I learnt a spell years ago when I was still with Celestia. I'm good."
  78. >Her horn sparks, a spasm rocks her body, and her eyes roll back into her skull.
  79. >She's asleep before she hits the mattress.
  80. >You roll over and reach for the switch on your bedside lamp.
  81. >Your hoof lingers for a moment and you blink blearily at the framed picture of Anonymous, looking as mad as ever and reaching for the camera.
  82. >That was a great day out.
  83. "Good night, Anon," you whisper.
  84. >The light flickers out.
  85.  
  86. ---
  87.  
  88. Anonymous posted an image of Fluttershy saying "I can be your angle... or yuor devil"
  89.  
  90. >Her audacity is matched only by her stubbornness.
  91. >"But why not?"
  92. "You say it like you're commenting on the weather; this isn't what -normal- people ask from others, were your parents perverts as well?"
  93. >"That doesn't answer my question."
  94. "I'm not doing it because it's disgusting, I don't like you, and -why- won't you get off my property?"
  95. >You place your foot under her barrel and lift your leg, shifting her up and further towards your door.
  96. >She pumps her wings and floats out of reach of your leg, so you take to - reluctantly - pushing on her chest to nudge her along. She presses herself against your hand as you do so, consciously or otherwise taking advantage of your touch.
  97. >"Just please explain to me what's so disgusting about me sitting on your face and you using your tongue to bludgeon my winking pussy so I can fill your oesophagus with my creamy mare juice."
  98. >She says it with the same mild confusion she says everything else that makes your skin crawl, with the same naïve expression that implies that you're the villain in all this.
  99. >Like she's simply requesting a cup of sugar from a neighbour.
  100. "If you're incapable of understanding why that's awful and something you shouldn't be asking anyone then I can't help you. You'll have to bug Twilight or Rarity, someone who can tolerate you."
  101. >"You know, I spend an awful lot of time being nice to you, Anon. Most ponies would at least reciprocate my generosity."
  102. >She'll have heard that line from Rarity, then.
  103. "Nice? Nice people don't hoard spare keys for their neighbour's locks."
  104. >"I worry about your safety, what, am I at fault now because I care for your well-being?"
  105. "Stop making yourself into the victim, I woke up this morning with my cock in your mouth!"
  106. >"And we were both -clearly- enjoying the arrangement so why are you pretending it's so bad? I thought you'd appreciate my forwardness!"
  107. "What... -planet- do you live on? Do I have to take this up with the Mayor -again-? She's getting really sick of seeing me in her waiting room, she'll come down on you like a ton of bricks eventually."
  108. >"If she didn't after the first few times she's not going to now. She realises, like any sane pony, that what I'm doing is just neighbourly wellness checking."
  109. >You're both at the door. You fold your arms and glare.
  110. "Really. Then why don't you do this for your -other- neighbours?"
  111. >"I... I do."
  112. "Oh?"
  113. >You stab a finger at the distant figure of Rusty Hops, the overweight, elderly stallion with a smell that precedes him.
  114. "Suck off Rusty lately by any chance?"
  115. >She visible recoils at the sight of him and mental image no doubt hammering at her psyche.
  116. >"N-not recently..."
  117. "Not ever. I'm the only person you do this to. If you do it again, I'm going to the Mayor again, after that I'm gonna start getting violent, I'm already well past being sick of it."
  118. >"I've been getting p-peeved off too, you know!"
  119. "What, because your insane breaking, entering, and molestation isn't bearing fruit?"
  120. >"Because I'm trying to be super nice! I don't have to be, Anon. I can be your angel or your devil. You want to see me be your devil?"
  121. >You try to imagine the soft-spoken rodent before you acting anything like a devil.
  122. >Her expression wrinkles and her lower lip trembles as you laugh in her face.
  123. "Go on, try me. Unleash the 'scary edgelord' you have lurking within you. You get bonus points if you start growling like a wolf and speaking in a fake deep voice."
  124. >Fluttershy fumes and for a moment you think you might see something approximating hatred in her eyes.
  125. >In a flash of feathery yellow she launches past your head and back into your house, her wing clipping your cheek as she passes.
  126. >You shout and flail, hurrying after her in time to see her pick up your glass of water from the kitchen counter and fly into the lounge where she tilts it slightly and pours a dribble onto your couch.
  127. >She smirks.
  128. >"Oh, I'm sorry, did I do that?"
  129. >She sets the glass down on the fireplace mantle, flinching and steadying it when she does it too quickly thinks it might topple.
  130. >Then she flies to your armchair, pulls the cushion off it, and drops it on the floor beside the seat.
  131. >"Oops!"
  132. >She darts to your potted plants on the windowsill.
  133. >At this point you're scratching your clipped cheek in a sense of confusion.
  134. >Fluttershy uses the mini watering-can you keep next to the plants to water one of them.
  135. >She goes on for a bit longer than you ordinarily would have liked, then sets it down again, gently of course.
  136. >"Looks like your plant's going to drown now!"
  137. >She surges past you, fury evident in her every movement, in the curled snarl of her lips, and in her closely knitted eyebrows.
  138. >She opens the fridge a crack and leaves it there, then takes the dirty plate you'd used to have lunch on and puts it back on the plate rack without cleaning it.
  139. >A moment of pause; she turns in the air, wings still flapping at awkward, angry angles, the mare meandering rather than hovering from the unaligned movements.
  140. >She finds her next target and moves.
  141. >Your broom topples dramatically from its position leant against the wall in the corner to a 'deafening' crash on the tiled floor.
  142. >An apple is bitten exactly once and put back on the fruit bowl.
  143. >A lightbulb is slightly unscrewed and left in the socket.
  144. >A bespoke rubber washing up glove has a hole nibbled in one of the fingers.
  145. >Her chaos realised, she drops to her hooves, panting with a sweat-sodden brow.
  146. >"Th-there! Happy now? Happy now that I've ruined your life you... you NINNY?"
  147. >Her chest heaves. She locks eyes with you, daring you to move. Daring you to retaliate to her feminine rage.
  148. >...
  149.  
  150. >She squeals as she lands in the bush at the end of your garden, her legs waggling helplessly around upside down.
  151. >You dust your hands off and go back inside to lament the loss of your washing up glove.
  152. >They don't just make those for anyone, you know.
  153.  
  154. ---
  155.  
  156. Anonymous posted an image of Fluttershy talking to Rarity on the phone. Rarity is being thirsty and Fluttershy is having none of it.
  157. Mood, Fluttershy. Mood.
  158.  
  159. "Nothing. Well, I had the special of the day. Something the chef called, I think it was oaken delight? It was nice. Had that squishy cheese from Prance I know you like. Brie?"
  160. >"And? And? What did -Anonymous- have?"
  161. "Um, he went with... I think it was the spaghetti? I can't remember."
  162. >"But how can you not remember! He was right -there-!"
  163. "Yes, but we were talking and it's easy to forget."
  164. >"Oh but of course, you were lost in his eyes, weren't you?"
  165. "Sort of? Maybe?"
  166. >"And what did he say? Anything naughty?"
  167. "Not really. He was really cordial."
  168. >You smile to yourself, still trying to hide your blush despite being reclined on your downstairs sofa back at the cottage.
  169. >Rarity titters on the other end of the line.
  170. >"'Cordial', my dear? Sounds like code for 'your loins were on fire'!"
  171. >You mouth "loins?" with a scrunched brow.
  172. >"So perhaps he contained himself during the dinner, but what about after that? Did he take you home-- Oh! Did he claim you on your own bed, or did you not even wait until you got that far?"
  173. "Uh. He was actually really gentlecoltish."
  174. >Your meek smile returns. You toy with the phone cord and reminisce.
  175. "He was... nice."
  176. >"A ruse, no doubt. Come -on- Fluttershy, tell me the details! What did you do after the dinner? Was it your place or his?"
  177. "We went for a walk in the park, it was kind of stuffy in the restaurant."
  178. >"Oh ho ho, the -park-, Fluttershy? My my, I didn't take you for a voyeur. A little 'woodland fancy' in the park bushes, I suspect?"
  179. >You frown.
  180. "We... went for a walk, Rarity. A-a walk. Like... well, a walk."
  181. >"Psh, you're just being timid with me. There's no need to be gentle with the details, Fluttershy, you're speaking to a well-travelled mare, I know my way around these sorts of things.
  182. >You bite your tongue before you blurt out something very unkind, settling for a cheeky grin instead.
  183. "I know you are, Rarity."
  184. >"Quite, so please don't think I'm prudish about this sort of thing. Did he slap your bottom at all? I always like it when stallions do that."
  185. >You bet she does.
  186. "Rarity, really, we just went for an after-dinner walk, nothing after that. We walked to the crossroads down by Smokey's Snack Shack and I came home."
  187. >"-Really- really?"
  188. "I promise."
  189. >She sighs and, despite how uncomfortable she's making you, you almost feel sorry for letting her down.
  190. >"So a pleasant meal and a nice walk afterwards. That's very... standard, of you."
  191. "Is standard so bad?"
  192. >"Standard is fine. Nothing wrong with standard it's just... well, not terribly adventurous."
  193. "It was only the first date, Rarity."
  194. >"And? I don't wait around and neither should you. If the stallion's going to go through the trouble of taking me out and paying for my meal I'm going to pay him back twice over in the most generous way I can."
  195. >You purse your lips, restraining another unFluttershyish comment.
  196. >"Frigid first dates are a waste, my dear. Be bold! Let your stallion know you're a mare with needs."
  197. "How many, um, stallions have you dated, Rarity?"
  198. >"Oh, I lost count."
  199. >You nod. Figures.
  200. >"Enough to know how these things work. Still, it just means you can go all-out on the second date. Normally I only stick to oral and vaginal on the first date," she says matter-of-factly, as if discussing interior decorating, "oral if the dinner was only so-so or if the stallion's manners weren't up to par, but I always do my duty and make sure they leave with something. Plus it means I get dessert even if I didn't ask for one at dinner, if you catch my meaning."
  201. >She giggles. Your nose wrinkles in disgust.
  202. >"So. Do you know how big he is? I trust you at least copped a feel in the park?"
  203. "I... just talked. I didn't do anything else."
  204. >"Have you not been listening to -anything- I've been saying? We had all those lessons in preparation!"
  205. "And I enjoyed them, honest!"
  206. >You both went to the spa a few times and whilst she prattled on about whatever degeneracy she gets up to on the weekends you fell asleep on the massage table.
  207. >Aloe and Lotus have taken to wearing ear plugs during your sessions, and you don't think it's because they're being polite and trying not to eavesdrop.
  208. "I learned a lot about what to wear and proper table etiquette. It was very helpful."
  209. >Another melodramatic sigh down the line.
  210. >"Small victories then, I suppose. Well, I expect to hear a full report after your next date."
  211. "Oh, uh, sure, I'll do that."
  212. >"There -is- going to be a second date, isn't there?"
  213. "I hope so? I didn't ask, I didn't want to assume..."
  214. >A long, beleaguered groan made tinny by the landline's speaker.
  215. "Sorry..."
  216. >"You're hopeless, darling. But never fear, I'll whip you into shape yet. Spa tomorrow?"
  217. "Oh, um, I think I'm busy tomorrow..."
  218. >You look at your utterly blank wall calendar.
  219. "...Yup. Booked up. Sorry, Rarity."
  220. >"The universe conspires to deprive me again. Then I shall love you and leave you, darling. Good night! Mwah!"
  221. >Before you can ask if she literally just kissed the phone, she puts it down.
  222. >You pull your own receiver back and regard it cautiously.
  223. >...
  224. >Better not use the phone whenever you're over at Rarity's place in the future; you don't want to know where it's been.
  225.  
  226. ---
  227.  
  228. Anonymous posted an image of Fluttershy dressed up in a carnival game stand outfit.
  229.  
  230. >"Step right up sir and win incredible prizes!"
  231. >You were trying to look as unapproachable as possible, hence your hands stuffed in your pockets and most violent glare fixed on your face as you stormed through the Ponyville Fair.
  232. >Even so, something unknowable tells you the voice is directed at you.
  233. >You direct your glare in turn to find Fluttershy dressed in a red-white carnival get up.
  234. >Unfazed by your withering aura, she waves you over.
  235. >You consider ignoring her.
  236. >Then consider the repercussions Twilight will bring down upon you if she finds out you were being unfriendly at the fair.
  237. >You grit your teeth. Princess of Friendship, more like Princess of Coercion. You approach the counter.
  238. >"Welcome, ma'am! Would you like to try your hand at our exciting games? There are big prizes in store for you!"
  239. >You don't grace her with a response and survey her "games".
  240. >A single wooden bucket bearing a label with "Applejack's Apple Bucket, NOT YOURS, RAINBOW DASH" sits alone on the grass.
  241. >"Just get the ball in the bucket and you can win!"
  242. >She pushes a bright red ball across the counter.
  243. >"Boy, it sure looks difficult. I'll tell you what, little boy, I'll give you the first throw for free!"
  244. >You hurl the ball at the back of the stall and out the other end of the cloth backing without taking your other hand from your pocket.
  245. "Whoops. Missed. Oh well."
  246. >"O-oh, uh, th-that's okay! You can have another free go! The first shot never counts, right?"
  247. >You lob the second ball over your shoulder. A distant voice yells "my leg!"
  248. "Damn. Wrong direction. Guess I'm a loser."
  249. >Fluttershy purses her lips and you see her eyes flit to something behind you and back without a word.
  250. >You glance in that direction hesitantly.
  251. >Far beyond the crowd, Twilight Sparkle sits atop her 'carnival throne', where she's taken to lecturing all who approach her and explaining the rules to every single game at the fair and a load of other games that aren't even available to play.
  252. >Though she's over a hundred metres from you and barely a purple smudge on the horizon of your vision, you feel her eyes upon you as the proverbial Sauron.
  253. >A cold bead of sweat runs the length of your spine and your sphincter clenches.
  254. "N-nevermind, I'll get it this time," you twist back to Fluttershy with a laugh. "Give me another. Now. Please."
  255. >She gives you one and you make an attempt to underarm toss the ball about three feet into the wide apple bucket.
  256. >It lands, obviously.
  257. "Woo hoo," you say half-enthused, half-terrified of incoming magical punishment from behind.
  258. >"You did it, Anon! You really did it! Oh my gosh that looked so difficult! I-I'm so proud of you!"
  259. >Fluttershy grabs your head between her hooves and lands a wet, lingering smooch on your lips.
  260. >There is plenty of tongue. Seems she had tomatoes for lunch.
  261. >"Now you can choose a prize!"
  262. >She lays three cards on the counter as you wipe your mouth in disgust.
  263. >The first card says "Breed Fluttershy and live happily ever after with her."
  264. >The second card says "Breed Fluttershy and live happily ever after with her [EXTREME FETISH EDITION]"
  265. >The third card says "Fluffy stuffed shark toy".
  266. "I'll take the shark," you say, planting a firm finger on the last card.
  267. >Fluttershy frowns.
  268. >"A-are you sure? The first two prizes are super rare and one-of-a-kind. Especially the second one."
  269. "I was given a choice, and I choose the third."
  270. >"Please pick the second."
  271. "Do I have to call shenanigans--"
  272. >The word has barely left your lips before a scream of wind, several yelps from onlookers, and a freight train of invisible force nearly knocks you off your feet.
  273. >Heavy breathing behind you erects every hair on your body.
  274. >"Are you having a problem with a fairground game, Anon?" says a low, measured voice.
  275. >You gulp and turn, forcing a smile at Twilight, whose face is a centimetre from yours, a parted sea of stunned ponies in her wake picking themselves off the ground.
  276. "I-I'm just having a slight disagreement about my prize, Twilight."
  277. >Twilight spares a look at the three prizes for half a second.
  278. >"Wow Anon," she says with no hint of mirth or wonder, only the cold, resolute tone of a mare roughly one minute from shattering every bone in your feeble human body, "those are some great prizes. Which one are you going to take?"
  279. "I-I was thinking the stuffed shark--"
  280. >The stuffed shark card turns to ash and the hot remains blow away on the breeze.
  281. >"The...?"
  282. "Actually I," swallowing is hard with a dry throat, "I think I'll skip the prize. The delight of competition is enough for me!"
  283. >Silence between the three of you.
  284. "H-haha."
  285. >"Fluttershy," Twilight intones, "which prize do you think Anon should take."
  286. >"Um, the second? Please?"
  287. >"Looks like you're taking the second prize, Anon. You wouldn't want to ruin the festive spirit of the fair, would you?"
  288. >You swallow again.
  289. >"You're not being," she puts her mouth to your ear and whispers over the din of the fair, "-unfriendly-, are you?"
  290. "No, Princess."
  291. >"Great. That's great, Anon. Really great."
  292. >Fluttershy is plucked off the ground in an irresistible violet grip.
  293. >She's pressed into your arms.
  294. >"Now take your prize home and enjoy her, Anon. Do it for friendship."
  295. "Yes ma'am."
  296. >"Fluttershy, take pictures."
  297. >"Yes Twilight."
  298. >"Great!" Twilight clops her hooves together, her fury vanished and the familiar cute dorky expression everyone knows and loves back once more. "Have a great time!"
  299. >With that, she flaps back to her throne, waving at passersby.
  300. >You look down at your unsharklike prize.
  301. >It grins up at you, unsharkishly.
  302. >These games are rigged.
  303.  
  304. ---
  305.  
  306. "A horny, drunken mare is actually a Keter-class SCP."
  307. - Anonymous.
  308. (Skip this one if you're not into SCP Foundation stuff, I know it's not for everyone.)
  309.  
  310. SCP-9877
  311. 'Always The Quiet Ones'
  312. Object class: Keter (Previously Euclid (Previously Safe))
  313.  
  314. >Special Containment Procedures
  315. SCP-9877 is to be contained in an eight metre cuboid cell made from five-inch thick tempered steel. The cell is to be suspended via cabling attached to the walls of a broader subterranean cavern beneath site [][].
  316. The cube is only accessible via a suspended catwalk that stretches between the wall of the cavern to a two-stage airlock fixed to the cell. The outer surface of the cell is to be padded with a metre of soundproofing foam, and the walls of the cavern are to be lined with both steel plating and soundproofing. The containment area is to be inspected every two weeks, and repair teams must be female only. Security cameras are to be placed within the cell and on the cavern walls to monitor both the inside and outside of the cell from all angles at all times.
  317. The cell's interior is to be fitted with appropriately-sized furniture carved from softwoods and decorated with floral and faunal designs, preferably in pastel colours, and the subject is to be fed meals of fresh produce and simple carbohydrates (potatoes, rice, etc) three times a day and provided with whatever entertainment she requests pending review by the on-site director.
  318. As of incident-044, all personnel at site [][] must be female. All delivery drivers, visiting personnel, and voice recordings played on site must also be female. Voice recordings especially are to be monitored, as following incident-198 it is known that even the voice of a male originating over [][][] miles away is enough to trigger a 9877-Activation-Event.
  319.  
  320. Following initial acquisition by the Foundation, and prior to incident 9877-001, SCP-9877 was allowed free reign of site [][] providing she didn't leave the site's perimeter or interfere with Foundation work. SCP-9877 was provided with on-site room and board, and broadly treated as a sort of site mascot. Following incident 9877-001, SCP-9877 was moved to the current containment area and further 9877-Activation-Events saw the subject's classification change first to Euclid, and later Keter when it became apparent that containment was proving increasingly difficult and costly in both resources and lives.
  321.  
  322. Following incident 9877-013, all personnel entering the cell must do so in groups of four. All personnel are to carry stun batons and field-applicators with multiple doses of tranquilliser potent enough to subdue an adult bull elephant. Whilst each dose is sufficient to incapacitate SCP-9877 in its passive state, an indeterminate number of doses are required during a 9877-Activation-Event. Excessive doses do not carry the risk of death owing to SCP-9877 anomalous resilience, and personnel are encouraged to apply as many doses as possible during a 9877-Activation-Event.
  323.  
  324. During a 9877-Activation Event, mobile task force Epsilon-7 “Friendship Police” are tasked with tracking and pacifying SCP-9877. Since lethal force has proven ineffective, excessive use of tranquillisers is authorised. If a 9877-Activation-Event is successfully carried out by SCP-9877, it is to be escorted back to its containment with a black-out bag over its head and sound-cancelling earplugs to prevent further accidental 9877-Activation-Events. The body of the victim is to be disposed of and a cover story fabricated. Class A amnestics are to be administered to eye-witnesses if necessary.
  325.  
  326. >Description
  327. SCP-9877 is an extra-terrestrial, three-feet tall, 105lbs female winged mammal tangentially related to the genus equus with a bright yellow coat and pink mane. SCP-9877 is capable of flight by use of two feathered wings folded against the torso behind the shoulder-blades, something that doesn't coincide with our current understanding of physics as the subject's wings do not have the span, shape, or aerodynamic properties that would ordinarily facilitate flight on Earth. Even so, SCP-9877 has been known to fly at speeds of up to 20mph during its passive state, and up to 825mph during a 9877-Activation-Event. Maximum altitude is still affected by typical constraints, and the subject is incapable of flight beyond 7000m due to the risk of oxygen starvation, which has proven to be an effective countermeasure to 9877-Activation-Events. Research into the use of high-altitude evacuations to negate 9877-Activation-Events is ongoing.
  328.  
  329. A distinctive marking depicting three butterflies is present on each hip. These marks seem to be colourations of the fur itself, and if removed the fur will eventually grow back in an identical pattern and colouration, down to the hair follicle. The biology behind this is not understood and is assumed to be anomalous. Research is ongoing.
  330.  
  331. The individual's eyes are of an unusual size, covering much of the subject's head. Despite clear equine, and thus herbivorous 'herd animal', heritage, the eyes are forward-facing similar to that of a predator. The head itself is disproportionately large in comparison to the rest of its body, accounting for an estimated 25lbs of the subject's overall weight. The subject's brain is appropriately large, measuring just below the size of an average adult human brain, which helps to explain SCP-9877's notable human-like intelligence.
  332.  
  333. While the proportions SCP-9877's body are recognisably equine, they are exaggerated and shaped in a way commonly seen to be aesthetically pleasing to humans. The body is covered in a uniform layer of soft fat, giving the subject an approachable, 'huggable' appearance. This is further emphasised by SCP-9877's abnormally high body temperature. Female researchers have noted that SCP-9877 is both pleasant to hug, and seems to enjoy giving and receiving them. The large eyes and expressive face have in the past been described as 'disarmingly cute', though in concert with SCP-9877's now known habits this is most likely an evolutionary advantage designed to lull victims into a false sense of security prior to a 9877-Activation-Event.
  334.  
  335. The subject's musculature seems to be anomalous, able to support her proportionally oversized head effortlessly with no strain on the rest of the body in defiance of conventional biology, but whilst she doesn't appear to possess any inherently potent strength in her passive state, an 9877-Activation-Event will see a increase in potential strength by several orders of magnitude despite no apparent difference in muscle size or density. Research into SCP-9877's muscles are ongoing albeit more slowly following incident 9877-001.
  336.  
  337. SCP-9877 is capable of fluent English, and will regularly and eagerly converse with female researchers. SCP-9877 is noted to be shy, and will rarely speak when confronted with new researchers, but will open up if encouraged by researchers she is familiar with. Female researchers are encouraged to build a good rapport with SCP-9877, as it is hoped that on-site personnel may be able to dissuade SCP-9877 from escalating to a 9877-Activation-Event. There have been 3 recorded instances of this occurring, and [][][] instances of it not. Female researchers note that SCP-9877 is overwhelmingly hospitable to them when entering her cell, often apologising for the state of her 'home' and eager to share tea and on-site gossip. SCP-9877 cooperates fully with researchers and staff personnel that deliver meals and restock her amenities.
  338.  
  339. SCP-9877 is effectively invulnerable. Repeated testing and close monitoring of activity during 9877-Activation-Events have seen SCP-9877 endure traumas and impacts that would ordinarily annihilate any non-anomalous entity. Kinetic impacts that ought to have torn limbs from the body or otherwise scarred them instead leave either blackened patches on the fur or bruising. No amount of physical trauma seems to leave permanent damage on SCP-9877’s body.
  340.  
  341. If SCP-9877 acquires sight, or comes within earshot of a human male, the risk of a 9877-Activation-Event begins to exponentially rise. Starting a 5% risk within the first 10 seconds, escalating to a 40% risk at 30 seconds, to finally a 100% risk at 60 seconds. Should SCP-9877 not be removed from the scene or otherwise brought out of sight or earshot range of the male, a 9877-Activation-Event will occur, and the human male that triggered the event is henceforth referred to as the 'victim'.
  342.  
  343. SCP-9877 will rapidly approach the victim at escalating speeds, employing the use of wings in most circumstances. The longer the victim remains out of reach of SCP-9877, the further her strength and speed escalate. Victims that are aware of SCP-9877 could theoretically escape for a time until MTF-Friendship Police arrive to pacify SCP-9877. If the victim moves out of sight or earshot of SCP-9877 following a 9877-Activation-Event, SCP-9877 will become supernaturally aware of the victim's location at all times, often 'sensing' them through walls or seeing them in pitch-darkness. SCP-9877 will ignore all other males encountered during the event, focusing solely on the victim, and will return to a passive state once an event has concluded. An event cannot occur again for at least 24 hours following the successful conclusion of a prior event [review pending].
  344.  
  345. As the event continues without resolution, SCP-9877's strength becomes such that it is capable of overcoming ever more formidable obstacles in order to reach the victim. As of incident 9877-101, SCP-9877 has been known to withstand a direct hit from a 75mm anti-tank shell without any apparent loss of momentum or physical harm. As of incident 9877-153, SCP-9877 has been known to 'punch' her way through two-metre thick steel-reinforced concrete. As of incident 9877-222, SCP-9877 has been known to exceed flight speeds of Mach 1 en route to a victim.
  346.  
  347. If the victim is reached, SCP-9877 will attempt to [][][][] them. This will be done through a variety of ways, often employing the use of nearby objects that could be used in place of a phallus. SCP-9877 will continue to [][][][] the victim until she is satisfied, which results in the expiration of the victim in all cases. Events will last anywhere between 10 minutes to 8 hours, and though this is largely dependent on the resilience of the victim, the victim’s expiry has not been known to always stop the proceedings. It is noted that SCP-9877 has only grown more violent with each 9877-Activation-Event, employing ever-more sadistic methods of reaching climax.
  348.  
  349. The Foundation is not aware of any particular reason why SCP-9877 chooses to do this, especially in so violent a manner, and female researchers have been unable to ascertain a motive from SCP-9877 whilst in its passive state. Attempts at questioning are often met with confused shrugs claims of lapsed memory.
  350.  
  351. >Addendum, 13/02/2016
  352. "She's getting hornier.
  353. I wish I could phrase that more scientifically, but I can't. Conversations with SCP-9877 have become increasingly strained by her stated 'needs'. At first it was easy to brush off, but she's started saying she can hear voices through the walls of her cell if she goes a long time without what she calls ‘release’, and the longer she goes without an event the more clearly she can hear the voices.
  354. But that's impossible, it has to be.
  355. She's isolated in a steel cube within a cavern a hundred metres below ground. The nearest male would be in a town ten miles away. How can she possibly hear them? She keeps telling me she's excited to meet them and when are we going to introduce her, does she not know? She claims complete ignorance of incident one, but we were all there in the cafeteria, we all saw what she did to Jeff. Christ, Jeff...
  356. If she's able to hear men from all the way down there we need to review the containment procedures. Bury her deeper. Pack more steel outside the cell, soundproof it even more, I don't know. We can't let her hear the men, if she does then there's nothing we can do to protect them. She's becoming more resistant to the tranquillisers, we're up to sperm whales now and the technicians are scratching their heads over how to administer an even more potent dose. I don’t think there is one.
  357. The walls of her cell are more of a formality at this point, it's not like they can stop her after an event has been happening for more than a minute. That's all we have, a minute. One minute to get to the cell, restrain her, then pump her full of enough tranqs to kill a hundred people before her anomalous strength rises to the point where those five inches of steel might as well be sugar paper.
  358. We were too late during the last incident and she burrowed through the ceiling of the fucking cavern like a... like a demonically horny mole-horse. I've submitted a request to the 05 council but I doubt they'll listen, something like this isn't worth their attention for now.
  359. But I work with her. I know the cold facts and can see where it's going. She's getting hornier.
  360. The time between incidents is lessening, it’s no longer 24 hours, and the range of her impossible hearing is widening. How long until she's able to hear a nearby town? A city? How long until she's completely resistant to our tranquillisers? We already know that high explosives run off her like rainwater, and following the Haiti incident we know she's willing to swim through lava to get to her victims. We're running out of time to find the portal she came out of and throw her back through it, so the intelligence branch need to hurry the fuck up because containment will soon be impossible.
  361. I fear for the men on the surface when that day comes. They're not ready for her. None of them will be."
  362. - Rachel Banks, Site Researcher.
  363.  
  364. ---
  365.  
  366. Anonymous posted a still from Look Before You Sleep.
  367.  
  368. >The skies roil with dark clouds and darker omens.
  369. >"Some storm, huh?" says the mare beside you at the library window.
  370. "I've seen worse," you say distractedly, not looking away from the bowing trees. "New Orleans, 2005. It was the storm to end all storms. A thousand people died. It's how I got the scars on my legs."
  371. >Twilight regards you with a troubled expression.
  372. >"R-right. Well, this one has been scheduled a month in advance, bu~ut even so they always come around so fast. You ever find that? That dates just come and go like that?"
  373. "Do we have supplies and a bunker?"
  374. >"Uh, if by 'supplies and bunker' you mean 'smores and fun-ker'!" she chirps and nudges your arm.
  375. "No. I mean supplies. Canned food, flashlights and batteries, toilet paper."
  376. >You lean closer, whispering conspiratorially.
  377. "Is Spike the uhh, 'emergency rations'? During Katrina I ate the neighbour's dog. I can do the deed if you don't have the heart, it's fine. I know how I'd do it. Snap the base of the n--"
  378. >"Okay! So Applejack and Rarity should be here soon and then we can get started on our super fun sleepover!"
  379. "Doubt I'll be able to sleep with the storm around us. Never slept right since that cold August evening--"
  380. >Your shirt collar and tie are yanked down to eye-level with Twilight, her forehead pressed to yours.
  381. >"Super. Fun. Sleepover," she growls through clenched teeth.
  382.  
  383. *
  384.  
  385. >The girls arrive, introductions are made, pillows are fluffed, lights are turned down, Spike retires early.
  386. >You sit beneath blankets in a circle round a jolly candle, the innocent flame doing little to curb your fear of the building gale circling the tree house like a patient hunter.
  387. >Twilight begins, a book at the ready, as is custom in the Sparkle household.
  388. >"So girls, and Anon, I thought we could start by playing... truth or dare!"
  389. >Applejack clops her hooves together.
  390. >"I love that game! I ain't never backed down from telling the truth, so you girls better be ready."
  391. >Twilight titters. "Rarity, you go first!"
  392. >The unicorn across from you sits up straighter than she already was - somehow - and clears her throat.
  393. >"Applejack, I dare you to tell us who your crush is!"
  394. >The girls all giggle. You remain transfixed by the flame. Such a delicate bloom. So easily snuffed.
  395. >"I ain't afraid to admit it. I have a thing for our Anon here," she reaches over and pats you on the leg. "He's got that strong silent type thing going and I'm a sucker for it."
  396. >You don't respond.
  397. >"See?"
  398. >Applejack glances at the others and bounces her eyebrows. They all watch you for a while. You don't blink, captivated by the precious little light.
  399. >You jump when a hoof prods your face and the girls leap in turn, then laugh.
  400. >"You okay there, Anon?" Applejack squints at you. "You're looking pale. Well, paler than usual, I mean."
  401. "I'm fine."
  402. >"Bet you are, you stoic stud," Applejack mutters and bites her lip.
  403. >"Do -you- have a crush, Anonymous?" Rarity flutters her eyelids.
  404. "Sure, I had a crush once."
  405. >"Ooh! Tell us about her!"
  406. >You gaze into the flame.
  407. "It was in the living room. The roof came down before I could make it to the basement with the others. I was trapped under a timber support weighed down by shingles when the rest of the house collapsed. I stayed there for three days until the emergency services found me and pulled me out. I had to survive by drinking moisture that dripped onto the floor by my face."
  408. >Twilight and Rarity share a concerned look.
  409. >Applejack looks thrilled.
  410. >"Tough old boy ain'tcha? I knew I liked you, Anon!"
  411. >"Um, maybe we should do a dare. I dare... I don't know. I'm not very good at this. Rarity? Help?"
  412. >"Not to worry, darling. I dare Applejack to wear a lacy dress!"
  413. >"Wha-- why me? Why not Twilight?"
  414. >"Twilight is our esteemed host. It would be rude to force her into a dress."
  415. >"Actually, I'd like to be involved if at all possible--"
  416. >The girls bicker.
  417. >You stare into the flame and remember the creaking timbers as the roof threatened to cave in. Rain lashes the windows like clawed fingers trying to scratch the thin glass away.
  418.  
  419. *
  420.  
  421. >"And so, the spo~oky pumpkin zombie grabbed the filly, and ate her whole!"
  422. >Rarity shrieks and clutches your waist.
  423. >Applejack yelps and grabs you from the other side.
  424. >Twilight snickers and flicks the lights back on with magic.
  425. >"Pretty scary story, right? I'd like to see you guys top -that-!"
  426. >You frown at her.
  427. "That was... scary, Twilight. I am very spooked."
  428. >"Hah, I knew it. Scarier than your Noo Orrlees?"
  429. "Sure."
  430. >"Oh Anonymous, you... you're terribly brave!" Rarity barely calms from her panting, a hoof on her heaving chest. She paws at you and flutters her eyelids again. "Not a squeak from you that entire story! I bet you aren't worried about this dreadful storm at all, are you?"
  431. >She hugs your arm and looks fawningly at you.
  432. >Applejack huffs and hugs your other arm more firmly.
  433. >"Yeah, well, I'm sure Anon ain't gonna start claiming heroics anytime soon. You take it all in stride, don'tcha Anon?"
  434. >You haven't looked away from Twilight.
  435. >She narrows her eyes and slowly shakes her head as if reading your mind.
  436. >You wet your lips, parting them to speak.
  437. >She shakes her head with vigour, knowing what you intend.
  438. "Saw a young boy abandoned on the side of the road after Katrina. Mother and father claimed by the storm that claimed so many. Voracious bitch had appetite enough to rob a child of his parents but not the courtesy to finish the job. So many broken homes and lives after that day, so many ruined neighbourhoods. A community of light and warmth brought low by naught but a bellow from Mother Nature. A crueller mistress there never was. I took the boy back to my home and fed him cold beans from a tin I opened with my knife. Not many supplies left, see, and the basement had caved in during the storm and killed my friends. Three beautiful souls, just like the three of you, crushed and suffocated by the roof caving in. He sat in that dark hole just eating his beans and I looked at him. I just looked at him. Shivering as he was in his Spiderman t-shirt and no shoes on. Asking me where his ma and pa were. I didn't have the heart to tell him they weren't coming back. You have to understand the services were stretched thin. No one knew what was happening, and what was one more dead body beneath the rubble? I still had the knife I'd used to open his beans and his back was turned. All I saw was another broken soul, bent out of shape by the ethereal whore that had already taken so much from him. It was... mercy. It was mercy."
  439. >Twilight blinks. Blinks again. Blinks a third time. Then faints.
  440. >Rarity nods slowly, then does the same.
  441. >Applejack shivers.
  442. >"Y-you ain't got a problem making tough choices, have you, Anon? Just do what you gotta do, right?"
  443. >She's grinding against your arm and fingers, shivering.
  444. >You feel nothing, save the dull reverberating hate like a heartbeat beneath your skin.
  445.  
  446. *
  447.  
  448. >You wake up and put a hoof to your head.
  449. "Wh-what... Anon?"
  450. >The tree house is dark and freezing, and you can hear the screaming wind and other harrowing shouts.
  451. "What in Celestia's name--"
  452. >You stumble over Rarity's comatose body, when did she get there?
  453. "Anon?!"
  454. >Upstairs you find your balcony door wide open.
  455. >Anon stands naked with a fire poker in one hand and a terrified Spike in the other.
  456. >He bellows at the storm, arms and legs spread wide in a power stance, hair and genitals flapping sideways.
  457. >"Take me! Take me you heartless bitch! I'm ready for you this time!" he roars.
  458. >Applejack is clinging to his leg, thrusting with everything she's got, her hat long gone and unbound mane thrashing in the gale.
  459. >Above the din you can just about hear her hoarse voice announcing her climax.
  460. >You stare at the scene for a few seconds longer.
  461. >Then slowly close the door and lock it from the inside.
  462. >This is why you never invite Anon anywhere.
  463.  
  464. ---
  465.  
  466. Anon bothers Twilight at 2:10 in the morning. (I'm sorry to that Anon that was posting a story at the time I posted this, I am a retard.)
  467.  
  468. >The crystal by your head vibrates; it's tilted against your horn and you can feel each tremble reverberating around your skull.
  469. >With undignified groaning and a phase of gracelessly disentangling yourself from your bedsheets and other limbs, you slap a hoof on the offending hoof-sized chunk of lavender rock and hold it your ear.
  470. >The dim light of the magic within it vaguely reveals your bedside clock - 2:10 in the morning.
  471. "Hwha," you drawl as coherently as possible.
  472. >"Sparkle. Wake up, you fat slob, I've got a problem," comes the harsh whisper on the other end.
  473. >You wipe your eyes and sit up, back against the headboard.
  474. "Anon? It's," a yawn-filled pause, "late."
  475. >"Actually it's early. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one?"
  476. "What do you want, I told you not to call unless it was an emergency."
  477. >"As much as I'm sure you were enjoying mashing your gross horse twat with your own crystal, you're going to have to use it for something productive for once."
  478. >You glare at the far wall.
  479. "What do you want, Anon."
  480. >"Your fucking teacher is in my home again."
  481. "What?"
  482. >"The white one with the wings and the face. That one."
  483. "Princess Celestia? Wait, -again-?"
  484. >"Jesus should I be calling Rarity? I think she's the second-smartest in this town, or it might be Derpy, I forget--"
  485. "Is Princess Celestia in your home right now?"
  486. >"Yes she's in my fucking home you deaf purple slut, that's why I'm calling you! I need you to get over here and get her out, or something!"
  487. "First of all I'm not a slut, don't be rude--"
  488. >"But you -are- purple, and that's arguably worse. Are you actually going to help or do I need to hang up and call Rarity and or Derpy?"
  489. >You sigh unbidden and rub your eyes, glancing again at the faintly-lit clock.
  490. >You consider the communication crystal. You could just turn it off? Would that help or hinder you in the long run?
  491. >As you're thinking, Anon swears.
  492. >"She's coming upstairs. If she finds me in the closet I'm dead, I'm calling Rarity since you're fat and useless."
  493. >A pause.
  494. >"And purple."
  495. >The line dies and you slide further down your bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark.
  496. >As is often the case with Anon you have to ask one question:
  497. >Drunk, or Serious?
  498. >It's incredibly hard to tell a lot of the time, and you've been hoodwinked into the wrong answer more than once, so at least he keeps you on your hooves in that respect.
  499. >For a while you lie there, waiting for him to call back.
  500. >He might or might not, usually you give him ten minutes. If he gets bored or distracted he won't call back and you can return to your whimsical dreams of calculus.
  501. >Unfortunately, your crystal vibrates again, and for the briefest moment you resent every magician and engineer that conspired to bring the wretched things into being.
  502. >You press it to your ear and activate it.
  503. "Yeah?"
  504. >"Rarity won't answer. Well, I mean, I got through, but all I could hear was really muffled squishing and moaning. Not sure what to make of it."
  505. >Your nose wrinkles.
  506. >"Derpy probably ate hers again, so you're my plan C."
  507. "Speaking of C, is Celestia still there?"
  508. >"Yeah, she's lurking around."
  509. "Any idea why?"
  510. >"She wants my fat human hog."
  511. "What? Like a pig?"
  512. >"Like my erect shaft, you utter virgin."
  513. "Oh. Why would she want that?"
  514. >"Probably to study it or make conversation-- what do you think? She's been seduced by my passive human seductions. Not surprised, I am if anything an Adonis."
  515. "Uh huh."
  516. >"Was only a matter of time until she wanted to sample the goods again. Last time I was able to fend her off with my suave charms and a crowbar."
  517. "You were at Canterlot earlier this week."
  518. >"Yeah?"
  519. "Did you steal anything?"
  520. >"I'd never steal anything, Twilight, stealing is a crime and crime is for--"
  521. "Did you steal anything?"
  522. >"She said I could have a sugarcube in my tea and I took two, does that count?"
  523. "I'm trying to narrow down reasons why the Princess of the realm would possibly want to visit -you- of all people."
  524. >"Hey, that sounded hurtful."
  525. "That's because it was meant to be, now what did you do?"
  526. >"I didn't do shit, don't make me into the villain, you're supposed to be saving me."
  527. "Am I? When was that agreed?"
  528. >"When you answered the phone and I told you that your teacher is creeping around my house trying to rape my tender mancheeks."
  529. >Your brow furrows at "phone" but don't comment.
  530. "And how exactly am I supposed to save you?"
  531. >"By coming over here and stopping her! What the hell do you think?!"
  532. >The breath catches in his throat.
  533. >"Shit. That was too loud. Shit shit shit--"
  534. >"There you are!" comes a slightly distanced but very clear, melodious voice.
  535. >Your eyebrows raise in surprise.
  536. >Guess this time he was Serious. Another point to Anon.
  537. "Princess? Is that you?"
  538. >"Stay away, you alabaster asshole! Let me sleep in peace! Twilight, any time now!"
  539. >"Oh, are you speaking to Twilight? Hello, Twilight! I've come to visit your human!"
  540. "He's not mine, Princess!" you say in a louder tone, not sure if she can hear you.
  541. >"He isn't? Wonderful! Then I'll be able to have my fun with a clear conscience."
  542. >"Back off you-- hey, hey! Let go of my pants-- Twilight! For the love of God!"
  543. "Uhh, Princess?"
  544. >"Ngh, fucking magi-- Twilight she has me! God have mercy she's going straight for my ass!"
  545. "P-Princess Celestia?"
  546. >"She's going in! Have the decency to use lube at -least-! No don't laugh it's not funny!"
  547. >You listen intently with a slackened jaw.
  548. >Muffled scrambling and the occasional thud can be heard, an obvious struggle.
  549. >You hear a deep, horsey snort. Several, in fact. Each is punctuated by a cry from Anon.
  550. >You glance at your bedroom door.
  551. >Spike's staying with Applejack tonight.
  552. >The pained, rhythmic cries continue.
  553. >You glance at the window, the curtain pulled back to reveal the wondrous night and moon.
  554. >With a flick of magic you tug it shut.
  555. >Then recline against the headboard, get comfy, and put your hoof between your legs.
  556. >"Twilight! Holy fuck-- Agh! Twilight help me!"
  557. "Don't worry, Anon! I'm on my way!"
  558. >Celestia's background snorts become huskier and harder.
  559. >Her voice begins to catch, half-utterances and breathless pants reaching the crystal.
  560. >You press your own device to your ear so hard it starts to hurt, intent on hearing everything.
  561. >A piercing, triumphant whinny rips through you and you pull it away with a start.
  562. >Anon screams. You mouth the words "holy shit" at the mental image of what must have happened.
  563. >"Twi... T-Twilight she..."
  564. >You don't respond.
  565. >"Oh God... Twilight she's not d-done. She's still-- no more, please!"
  566. >You nod slowly and wet your lips.
  567. "Stay strong, Anon. I'm coming!"
  568. >He wails.
  569. >You smirk.
  570. >Serves you right, you belligerent chimp.
  571.  
  572. ---
  573.  
  574. Fluttershy gets a loan from the bank.
  575. (High-octane stuff, I know.)
  576.  
  577. >The morning's hype session didn't matter in the end.
  578. >Despite spending an hour flexing and snorting in front of the mirror with Angel Bunny screaming high-pitched motivational quotes at you, now that you find yourself here again your legs are jelly.
  579. >You swallow for the third time and will yourself to go forward. This time, you manage a few more steps.
  580. >Just enter, find him, and do what you needed to do.
  581. >Not like he's going to say yes anyway, but it's the attempt that counts. The girls are counting on you.
  582. >The door beckons, seeming to expand with each moment you stare at it until it looms above you a pastel-painted, judgemental, wooden obelisk.
  583. >A stallion in a tie and hat trots past you, whistling.
  584. >He passes through the door with no issues, and before you can rationalise yourself into going home for the fourth day in a row, you dart in after him before it closes.
  585. >You stand in the atrium and stare up at the vaunted ceiling, the low murmur of confidential voices all around you, hooves ringing across the polished marble.
  586. >An attendant drifts to your side, apple-cheeked with a generous smile.
  587. >She seems undeterred by your shaking legs and constant glances at the exit.
  588. >"Welcome to Ponyville Bank, miss. How may we help you?"
  589.  
  590. *
  591.  
  592. >The stallion across from you is wearing an impeccable half-suit and tie.
  593. >With Anon's arrival you have to wonder why ponies only seem to wear the upper half of a suit when humans apparently go around with both ends covered.
  594. >Either stallions need to start dressing up properly, or Anon needs to drop the pants.
  595. >You cross your legs and try to force the concurrent mental image out.
  596. >You fail.
  597. >"I'm sure we can help you with whatever you need, Miss Fluttershy. Now, what sort of loan are you looking for?"
  598. >This is it. Just like you practised.
  599. >You can almost hear Angel bellowing in your head.
  600. >"Be the change you want to be," he'd shrieked. "Better a lion than a sheep; bang-pow straight to the moon, Alice; drink your Ovaltine."
  601. >Some of the slogans didn't make much sense but you appreciated the spirit behind them.
  602. >You suck in a deep breath, fix your eyes onto the patient, genial expression of the bank manager, and recite what you've been meaning to say for a month.
  603. "I'd like to take a loan out for five-thousand bits so that I can build a fetish-guessing machine that will ultimately get me laid."
  604. >The manager narrows his eyes and leans back with an appraising look.
  605. >You tremble in your seat and sweat.
  606. >"Let's start from the beginning, then."
  607. >You nod, shakily.
  608. >"This machine. What does it do?"
  609. "It guesses fetish."
  610. >"Define 'fetish'."
  611. "Something that arouses sexual desire."
  612. >"Care to give an example?"
  613. "Um. Your suit."
  614. >"My suit arouses sexual desire in you?"
  615. >Your cheeks flush and you toy with your mane.
  616. "N-not in me, but some mares might find a stallion in a suit attractive. It's a power thing, probably."
  617. >"I see. And why would the bank be willing to part with five-thousand bits for the construction of such a device? It sounds utterly perverse and an affront to public decency."
  618. >At the mention of perverse affronts to public decency, Rarity suddenly pops into your mind, wearing lace and fishnets as usual.
  619. >You've never been totally certain why Rarity shows up looking like that whenever you think about her, you suspect you may have unresolved feelings, but still, there she is, reclined on her bed rubbing her body as always.
  620. >"Fluttershy," she whispers huskily, "whenever you speak to lawyers, aristocrats, and bankers, remember to bring everything you say back to money. They don't care about anything you say unless it makes someone a killing."
  621. >She brings her hoof down hard on her flank and moans.
  622. >You swallow the lump in your throat.
  623. "Once I'm done with it... I, um, I could sell appointments with other lonely ponies and start making revenue to pay off the loan?"
  624. >In your mind, Rarity winks and calls you a good girl. A tremor passes through you.
  625. >Thanks, Rarity.
  626. >The manager nods slowly.
  627. >"So you build this hypothetical machine and use it as a source of revenue to pay off the loan, alright, I think I understand. Where will this machine be? Can it be transported?"
  628. "Oh no, it's quite large. I was going to build it in my shed."
  629. >"So it can't be moved."
  630. "No."
  631. >"Do you think ponies would be willing to travel to make use of its services? How are you sure it will work?"
  632. "I ironed out the blueprints with Applejack and Twilight Sparkle. Applejack will help me build it, Twilight worked out the theory."
  633. >"Twilight. It's a magical device?"
  634. >You nod.
  635. >"Is there a risk of danger to ponies' safety? Sparkle doesn't have a good track record with experimentation."
  636. "Not at all, it uses a simple enchantment to match a pony's desires to an applicable real-world fetish."
  637. >"And why would ponies need to know their own, ah, fetishes? Surely they already know?"
  638. "No, it would be used to guess someone else's fetish."
  639. >"Explain."
  640. "Well... if I was to use it on, um, someone else..."
  641. >"Let's say Anonymous the Human, for instance."
  642. "Yes! Let's--" you blink.
  643. >He remains leant back in his chair, wearing a smirk.
  644. >"You're hardly unknown around here, Fluttershy."
  645. >You slouch slightly, not meeting his eye.
  646. >"So how would you convince him to use the machine?"
  647. "I'd, um, you know. Trick him."
  648. >The manager purses his lips.
  649. "A-and then once I know for sure, I can use that against-- -for- him. He'll love me forever and then I can sell the machine's services to other ponies and make my money back?"
  650. >"Your money?"
  651. >Rarity shakes her head in a frantic panic.
  652. "Th-the bank's money! Sorry, I mean the loan."
  653. >"How do you know the machine will cost five-thousand bits to build? That's a very large sum."
  654. "There are rare ingredients and components involved that we would need to request from Canterlot. Some of them are sanctioned."
  655. >"I don't like the word 'sanctioned', Fluttershy. It calls to mind sanctimonious lawyers."
  656. "Twilight said she can get them because she's the Princess' student."
  657. >"I see. So why -exactly- would other ponies want to use it? How does it benefit them beyond the questionable assertion that they would want to know?"
  658. "I was thinking couples could use it. You know, to spice things up in the bedroom?"
  659. >His brow furrows, but you can see him chewing on the idea, testing it.
  660. >"Like a form of couple's therapy," he glances at a framed picture on his desk and the furrow deepens. "Only it actually works."
  661. "Yes! Exactly."
  662. >"Not many couples in Ponyville, commercially speaking. How do you know they'll have five-thousand bits to give?"
  663. "We could use the leftover bits for marketing, bring more ponies in from further afield."
  664. >"Do you have an example of your marketing?"
  665. "Uh, we were just going to ask Rainbow Dash to fly around trailing a banner."
  666. >The manager clicks his tongue and stands up. He paces his office, regarding his certificates and awards with mild interest.
  667. >"Build a machine to help couples find their respective kinks so they can spice up their boring sex lives. That's got potential, even if it -does- come from a place of unfathomable depravity."
  668. "Do you... do you like it?"
  669. >"Whether or not I like it is irrelevant. What matters is that it's not a waste of the bank's loan."
  670. >He stalks about his office in silence, head low and scrutinising the dust-free corners.
  671. >"You're an Element of Harmony so I won't ask for collateral," he says at last. "Five percent interest, three year clause," he comes to his desk and sits down. "Three-thousand."
  672. "But the budget is--"
  673. >"I know what the budget is. The bank would be willing to part with three-thousand for your project."
  674. >You chew your lip.
  675. >Some of the materials aren't -completely- necessary, are they? Admittedly you budgeted for a -lot- of coffee and biscuits, you suppose you could drop them, at least.
  676. "A-alright. Alright, I'll accept that."
  677. >"Wonderful. I'll have Daisy Chain drum up the paperwork and we can finalise it."
  678. "Could I, um, ask a question?"
  679. >He cocks an eyebrow.
  680. "I'm really, really glad you're helping me with this, and I'm not trying to be rude, but I kind of expected you to say no immediately."
  681. >"So what's your question?"
  682. "Well, why are you agreeing to loan me the money? It's not exactly, um, one-hundred-percent family friendly."
  683. >Rarity slaps a hoof on her face in your mind.
  684. >He gives you a wry smile.
  685. >"If the bank abided by morals, Fluttershy, we'd never make any money."
  686. "Oh... oh!" you smile. "That's good!"
  687. >"No, my dear, it's morally grey."
  688.  
  689. *
  690.  
  691. >Anon sits strapped into the machine with a wary look about him.
  692. >"You're -sure- this thing will cure my sleep paralysis demon? She's getting -really- horny and I swear she's starting to look like Luna."
  693. "Uh, sure, totally."
  694. >You throw the switch.
  695. >Anon screams as arcane contraband melds with earth pony genius to burrow into his brain and tear out his most lurid secrets.
  696. >You nod as the contraption thrashes and whines.
  697. >The walls of the shed shake and the cramped space fills with lemon-scented smoke.
  698. >You nervously chew on a biscuit and sip some coffee. Decaf, obviously. The budget wouldn't allow for the proper stuff.
  699. >Finally, a kitchen timer 'dings'.
  700. >Anon slumps in his seat, eyes glazed and smoke rising off his singed clothes.
  701. >The machine vomits a paper read-out and you squint over it.
  702. >Finally, you let out a short, unimpressed "huh".
  703. >Turns out, Anon's fetish was Rarity dressed in lace and fishnets too.
  704. >You look at Anon's unresponsive body.
  705. >You look at the read-out again.
  706. >You ponder the amount of money you'll have to pay back to the bank.
  707. >You ponder Rarity, who's bouncing her eyebrows at you on her bed.
  708. >You ponder a lot of things.
  709. >Then angrily stuff a biscuit in your mouth and speak over the chewing.
  710. "Well that was a waste of fucking time."
  711.  
  712. ---
  713.  
  714. Celestia makes a proposal.
  715.  
  716. >You're washing the dishes when a member of the Royal Guard slams into your kitchen window.
  717. >He staggers back - wings flapping to adjust his skewed position - and shakes his head.
  718. >For whatever reason, pegasus ponies can't quite fathom glass windows.
  719. >You've never understood it so you take it for granted as one of Equestria's laws of nature.
  720. >The guard gestures in the direction of your door and you drop your plate back into the warm suds with a sigh.
  721. >To think you almost went a full week without capers, misadventures, or shenanigans.
  722. >He awaits you on your porch step, and you emerge just in time to see him fix his tilted helmet.
  723. >He snaps to attention and salutes.
  724. >"Anonymous the human. Announcing the arrival of Her Highness, Princess Celestia, and her delegation. They are currently setting up camp and will be with you shortly. Please do not leave the premises until they are ready for you."
  725. >He stands aside and you gawk at the scene.
  726. >Your front lawn, which is by no means small, quite generous, in fact, is now the site of an encampment.
  727. >Bell tents and pyramid tents, all of which stand at least twice as tall as you, are arranged on the grass, and a contingent of ornately dressed soldiers hurry to and fro.
  728. >At least two dozen ponies of an aristocratic air scurry in the soldiers' wake or on their own missions, draped in fineries of rich purple and red, and baubles of silver and gold.
  729. >One or two pause to glance at you, then hasten their efforts and rushed conversations.
  730. >You take a step forward, but the guard at your side crosses a poleaxe in your path.
  731. >"You are to remain here until summoned. Her Highness is not yet ready."
  732. "Am I under arrest?"
  733. >"No, sir."
  734. "Are you going to tell me what this is?"
  735. >"No, sir."
  736. "Do you know?"
  737. >"Not exactly, sir."
  738. >You watch the scene for a moment longer, then shrug and dip back inside.
  739. >Perhaps they just decided that your lawn was the most agreeable in Ponyville to set up a camp in.
  740. >You doubt it's as important as washing your dishes.
  741.  
  742. *
  743.  
  744. >As you polish off the final mug and set it on the rack, a brisk knock calls you back to your door.
  745. >Beyond, parallel lines of guards stand in immaculate order from your doorstep to the camp; poleaxes pointed skyward and each hardened gaze fixed rigidly on the opposite's helmet plume.
  746. >An aged stallion with a grey beard and dressed in pristine robes similar to a priest's vestments stands at the end of the line.
  747. >Beside him, a guard raises a bugle and toots a few toots. The aged stallion speaks.
  748. >"Will the human Anonymous acknowledge the arrival of Her Majesty, Princess Celestia of Equestria!"
  749. >The rest of the delegation wait behind the speaker, all eyes on you.
  750. >You wet your cracked lips.
  751. "Uh, yeah?" you call back.
  752. >The stallion nods and unfurls a scroll, reading from it in a clear tenor.
  753. >"It is with profound jubilation that I announce that Her Highness has selected Anonymous to be her lawfully wedded husband, and that the newly betrothed may readily anticipate the ruling of the realm from the high capital and throne city of Equestria, Canterlot. Anonymous is to present a dowry to Her Highness no later than Saturday at noon, and upon receipt the wedding shall be held the morrow aft."
  754. >A foreign blend of confusion and animal panic takes hold.
  755. >Already you can feel your fight or flight response stirring.
  756. >"Failure to deliver the dowry before the scheduled date will qualify Anonymous for immediate arrest under charges of gross offence to the Crown, followed shortly by severe punishment to be determined by Her Highness."
  757. >He rolls up his scroll.
  758. >"You are to spend the rest of the day preparing your dowry. Good morning."
  759. >He departs and you nod a few times in dumb understanding before venturing inside again. You close the door as gently as you can with your trembling hands.
  760. >You lean your back to it and stare blankly at your silent hall, listening to the steady ticks of the clock and noting the stark difference between it and your furious heartbeat.
  761. >You take a deep breath.
  762. >Then make a mad scramble for the back door.
  763.  
  764. *
  765.  
  766. >"The Princess wants to get hitched to you?"
  767. "Yes."
  768. >"And your first thought was to come to -me- of all ponies?"
  769. >You wet your still-cracked lips and nod shakily.
  770. "I felt like you'd be the one to know how to get out of a sticky situation. Also after that whole Rainbow Dash thing the other month you're the only pony in this town I can actually trust."
  771. >Pinkie Pie's nascent smile grows.
  772. >"Awesome! I've never helped an alien get out of marrying a princess before! Don't you worry, Nonny, your Auntie Pinkie Pie'll get you outta this jam, no problem!"
  773. >She reaches up and pats your cheek like a doting grandmother.
  774. >"Your trust is safe with me."
  775. >You pass your hand through your hair and lean forward on the counter.
  776. >Sugarcube Corner is empty; Pinkie kicked everyone out when you announced a 'friendship emergency'.
  777. "Thanks Pinkie; knew you were the right choice."
  778. >"First things first, let's see if we can sort out this dowry."
  779. "Why? Aren't we planning an escape?"
  780. >"Sure! But we need a dowry for my super-duper master plan, it'll be great, I promise!"
  781. "Alright? Well what sort of dowry would we need for a princess?"
  782. >"I dunno about 'princess', but something really nice, and definitely more expensive than someone can buy on a baker's salary. Sentimental too, ponies are big on sentiment. How about Rarity's mother's earrings?"
  783. "That's... weirdly specific. Would she be willing to part with them?"
  784. >"Heck if I know, hopefully, otherwise she'll be mad as a wasp I have them."
  785. >She reaches into her mane and sets a velveteen jewellery box on the counter.
  786. >It pops open, and inside are a pair of flawless emerald stones nestled in coiled silver.
  787. "Are we gonna get in trouble?"
  788. >"Not as much as you will if we don't stop this wedding! So, step two, we need to gently explain to the Princess that you can't marry her because reasons."
  789. "I was thinking more I get on a train and ride as far away from Equestria as I can get."
  790. >She shakes her head resolutely.
  791. >"No can-do, Nonnerpuss. That's just impossible."
  792. "Why?"
  793. >"Because then you won't be in Ponyville anymore and my birthday's coming up."
  794. "...But I have to escape the Princess."
  795. >"Yeah, but if you escape the Princess you'll be too far away from me to attend my party. I've tried long-distance partying before and it just doesn't work. The logistics are wacko. You ever tried it? I tried it once. Set up a huge megaphone and shouted 'Happy Birthday Applejack!' through it as loud as I could, then I waited to hear from her and I couldn't."
  796. "Where was Applejack?"
  797. >"Appleoosa. Turns out the megaphone couldn't quite reach her. I wanted to follow her and set up a party there, but that would have meant moving half of Ponyville to Appleoosa in time for it and it was just a headache. Can't do it, Anon, I'm sorry."
  798. "Maybe I could miss your party?"
  799. >Pinkie Pie is still. Her eyes are fixed on you. Her smile fades, and her mane slowly wilts.
  800. >A chill passes through the shop, the hairs on the back of your neck raise.
  801. "I mean, just kidding!"
  802. >Her hair bounces back into shape with an audible 'poof' and she laughs.
  803. >"Ohh, you! Nearly got me! You joker!"
  804. >She laughs again, then puts a firm hoof on your shoulder and laughs more forcefully until she's just saying "ha" with no inflection.
  805. >You gulp. She strokes your shoulder.
  806. >"Never," she whispers. You understand her implicitly.
  807. >She then leaps the counter, snatching the earrings as she goes.
  808. >"Now let's go save you from the wrong marriage, Nonners!"
  809.  
  810. *
  811.  
  812. >The central tent of the camp is almost as large as your house, and ponies duck into and emerge from the opening flaps continuously.
  813. >Pinkie Pie nudges your leg.
  814. >"It'll be fine, just go in, explain your decision, and she'll accept! If not, we'll initiate plan B."
  815. "There's a plan B?"
  816. >"I -always- have a plan B, Non-non."
  817. >She rears up behind you, puts her hooves on your back, and pushes you ahead, walking on two legs as she pushes.
  818. >"It goes like this, if she says no to plan A, then I'll-- oh look, we're here already!"
  819. "Pinkie, what's plan B--"
  820. >"No time! Quick!"
  821. >She darts inside and you trail after her.
  822. >The guards posted at the front give you both an odd look, but say nothing.
  823.  
  824. *
  825.  
  826. >The mother of all cushions dominates the centre of the tent.
  827. >Circular, it must be the length of your sofa and as high as the sofa's back.
  828. >Upon it, a dozen mares crawl about over Celestia, touching up her wings, mane, coat, anything they can reach.
  829. >You assume it's Celestia, anyway.
  830. >She's shrouded from view behind an orange satin veil that obscures her enough that she and her attendants are mere blurs, but the large white shape can only be Celestia.
  831. >Pinkie bounces on the spot between two guards that flank her, the stallions not entirely sure what to do with or make of her.
  832. >The aged stallion from earlier raises his eyebrows as you enter.
  833. >"Ah, earlier than expected. Very good. Have you come to present the dowry already?"
  834. "Uh, sort of."
  835. >You clear your throat and struggle to remember what you were supposed to say for a moment.
  836. "I have come to pay my respects and present a dowry, but must unfortunately reject the proposal. I have..." you look at Pinkie for help. She mouths the next few words and winks. "Coeliac disease, combustible blood, and chronic retardation. I am unfit for marriage. That's uhh, that's it. Yeah."
  837. >The stallion's brow goes from surprise to a deep frown.
  838. >"Rejecting the Princess' proposal is considered a dire offence, Anonymous. I would implore you to reconsider before you make a mistake."
  839. "I, um."
  840. >Pinkie nods at you.
  841. "That's my decision."
  842. >"Is that so?" comes a melodic voice.
  843. >The shape behind the veil rises, and the attendants scatter.
  844. >Princess Celestia strides through and poses before you; your jaw drops.
  845. >Her coat shines like diamonds, not a feather on her wings is out of place. Her mane glitters like a spring beneath sunlight and her scent carries to you like the early blooms of summer.
  846. >"I'm afraid I cannot accept that, Anonymous. I have already chosen you to be my husband and... yes?"
  847. >You weren't sure how else to get her attention so you'd raised your hand.
  848. "Why?"
  849. >"Why do I want to marry you? Why indeed..." she taps her chin in mock thought. "Oh yes, I would very much like to feel your turgid manhood between my glistening petals before I lose my mind and burn this entire nation to ashes out of sexual frustration."
  850. >You glance at the aged stallion for half a second.
  851. >He's nodding sagely, as though this was some deeper truth of the universe.
  852. >"I might also mention that you are the only creature in Equestria that could 'reach' me, so to speak, without aid of a bucket. That is a very big selling point. I don't know if you realise this, but I am quite a bit taller than my subjects. It makes mating difficult and awkward, but you? You wouldn't even need to bend over. By my estimates, I would be able to simply back into you, and you could start thrusting, which sounds wonderfully convenient. All that being said, I must have you. I haven't had a proper orgasm in eight hundred years."
  853. >Your mind is blank. You have no response.
  854. >Pinkie Pie waggles her own hoof in the air, seemingly undeterred.
  855. >The Princess smiles at her; it's strained.
  856. >"Yes, Pinkie Pie?"
  857. >"What if Nonners was already engaged?"
  858. >"Ah, but he is not, is he?"
  859. >"But if he -was-?"
  860. >"Then I would be unable to marry him, and that would be a frightful shame."
  861. >"Awesome!"
  862. >Pinkie leaps into your arms and you stagger back a few steps.
  863. >"Quick Nonny! Plan B!"
  864. "What--"
  865. >In a blur, Pinkie dons Rarity's mother's earrings and shouts.
  866. >"Oh Anonymous! Thank you so much for this -engagement- dowry! Yes I would -love- to be your wife! Because that's what we were discussing on the way here! You marrying me and not the weirdly tall Princess who probably doesn't even know all that many positions and wouldn't be able to satisfy you!"
  867. >Celestia starts and the aged stallion make a noise like a sputtering basset hound.
  868. "Pinkie what the f--"
  869. >"Yes! Say yes and seal the deal forever with Celestia as our witness!"
  870. "Uhh--"
  871. >You glance from Celestia to the stallion, the stunned guards, attendants in the room, and back at Pinkie, draped in your arms and wearing the earrings she stole.
  872. >On closer inspection, the earrings aren't actually hooked through her ears, they're mashed on with blu-tack.
  873. "Y-yes?"
  874. >Celestia deflates.
  875. >"Drat," she says, "foiled again, Jervais."
  876. >The aged stallion - Jervais, apparently - pats her on the leg.
  877. >"Perhaps next time, you majesty. I believe the minotaur Iron Will is still touring southern Equestria. You may be able to snag him before he departs for his homeland."
  878. >You stumble (or more accurately are ejected) from the tent, and in a flurry of magic and military efficiency the camp is packed up in under a minute and teleported away to places unknown.
  879. >You stand on your wrecked lawn, still holding Pinkie in dumb silence.
  880. >She smiles fawningly up at you.
  881. >One of the earrings drops off her ear.
  882. >"We did it, Nonny! We saved you from marriage with the Princess!"
  883. "...Huh, so we did. Well, thanks a lot, Pinkie, I knew you were the mare for the job."
  884. >You frown at her.
  885. "You're gonna give those earrings back, right?"
  886. >"Why would I do that? They're my wedding dowry."
  887. "Yeah, kind of," you laugh, "but not anymore, so you'll need to give them back."
  888. >Pinkie's expression becomes set.
  889. >"They're my wedding dowry, Anon. For our wedding."
  890. >You watch her carefully and she watches back.
  891. "You..."
  892. >"We're engaged, Anon. You said yes."
  893. "It was a joke--"
  894. >"It was plan B."
  895. "But Pinkie I--"
  896. >She strokes a hoof over your lips.
  897. >"No, Non-non. No. You're mine now. You belong to Pinkie."
  898. >She grins.
  899. >"And our wedding night's gonna be -legendary-."
  900.  
  901. ---
  902.  
  903. Starlight Glimmer is bad at seduction.
  904.  
  905. >The puzzle you've gone and trapped yourself in is cruel.
  906. >Half an hour of squinting at it and chewing your pencil has gained you nothing.
  907. >Though you have chewed your way through two pencils like a beaver gnawing on sticks.
  908. >A waste of a morning, and for what?
  909. >' 3 down: domesticated house pet from the genus Felidae. '
  910. "This is bullshit," you mutter.
  911. >Someone gingerly settles into the seat across from you.
  912. >She waits for a good minute, watching you watch your crossword.
  913. >A light cough. You don't look up. A harder cough. You nibble some more pencil. The taste is growing on you; the beavers might be onto something.
  914. >The mare coughs so harshly you jump, but she also triggers a sort of convulsive response which has her dry-retching and gasping for air.
  915. >She settles, at last, and grins.
  916. >"Oh, hey Anon, what are you doing here?"
  917. "I live here," you grunt and return your attention to your puzzle. It starts with a C, you know that much.
  918. >"Really!" she rests her head on an elbow. "You don't say? We have -so- much in common!"
  919. "What do you want, Starlight Glimmer."
  920. >"I was just checking out the library. You know how it is."
  921. "Twilight not around to bother?"
  922. >"She's on a friendship... thing. Anyway I thought I'd drop by and check on you!"
  923. "I thought you were checking on the library," you say, not looking up.
  924. >"Well, sure, but also you! So~oo, you doing anything this afternoon?"
  925. "Got it!" you shout.
  926. >"Uh, is that a yes?"
  927. "What? Whatever you said, no, I mean this," you tap your crossword with the mulched remnants of your pencil and triumphantly enter 'COD' as your answer.
  928. >Sometimes, you're unsettled by your own intelligence.
  929.  
  930. *
  931.  
  932. "I don't think you're understanding me."
  933. >"Go for it," says Bon Bon, wearily.
  934. "This candy is called hundreds-and-thousands."
  935. >"Right."
  936. "But there's clearly not even a single hundred-thousand in this bag."
  937. >"Right."
  938. "So what, am I being ripped off or something?"
  939. >Bon Bon sighs a heavy, defeated sigh.
  940. >"If I give them to you for one bit you please leave my store?"
  941. "I think that would be agreeable."
  942. >"Fine, great. There you are, then. Now go away."
  943. "Thanks! Same time tomorrow?"
  944. >Bon Bon settles her chin on the counter, covers her eyes and does her best to not cry.
  945. >You pivot on your heel, take a step forward, and trip over Starlight Glimmer.
  946. >You yelp and a wave of magic prevents a hasty kiss of the floorboards.
  947. >Your paper bag of hundreds of thousands isn't so lucky, and explodes all over the shop.
  948. >"You're not getting a refund for that," calls Bon Bon from behind.
  949. >"Woah, nice trip see you next Fall, am I right, Anon?" Starlight laughs.
  950. "Why were you stood right behind me?"
  951. >"Pssh, I was -not- stood behind you!"
  952. >"She was," Bon Bon deadpans.
  953. "What, are you stalking me to the shops now?"
  954. >"No, why would you say that?"
  955. >"She is," Bon Bon deadpans again.
  956. >You stride out the door with Starlight almost stepping on your heels from how close she is.
  957. >"I was just in town and saw you were checking out Bon Bon's shop, that's all. I -love- her candy, what do you think? Do you love it too?"
  958. "It's alright."
  959. >"Yeah, I think it's really mediocre as well. So what are you up to now? Wanna hang out? I know something cool we could check out together."
  960. "Is it your room at the castle?" you grumble.
  961. >"Don't mean to brag but I may have bought a new board game that's back at the castle-- yeah, that's right! Wow, we're so synced up!"
  962. >She beams at you.
  963. >You glower at her and march away, clutching the handful of hundreds-and-thousands you were able to rescue in your bare fist.
  964.  
  965. *
  966.  
  967. >You lie in starfish on your back on the map in the castle's central chamber.
  968. >It's perfectly level and smooth, so you've found it makes an agreeable slab bed of sorts.
  969. >Twilight's on a friendship quest, so you don't need to worry about her barging through the doors and whining at you.
  970. >The doors barge open, and a whining voice reaches you.
  971. >"Anon, can you help me with something?"
  972. >You wish Spike was here, but Twilight dragged him along on this particular venture. Something about him needing to be a stand-in if Twilight ever abruptly died.
  973. >Starlight hops up onto the table and peers down at you. Her face is flipped and you almost think she's frowning until your mind corrects the angle and informs you that she's grinning from ear-to-ear.
  974. >"No way, -you- like sleeping on the map too? Agh! Anon, we're like, spiritually bonded or something! So what were you dreaming about? Twilight? Me? It was me, wasn't it. Or was it Twilight? -Was- it Twilight? I-I can understand if it is, I know you and her are close--"
  975. "What do you want, Starlight," you more breathe than say.
  976. >"I was just wondering if you could help me with a spell."
  977. "Is it a safe spell?"
  978. >"Sure!"
  979. "I don't believe you."
  980. >"Hah! You kidder," she ruffles your hair, "all my spells are safe."
  981. "Maybe for you."
  982. >"You'll love it. So, you ready?"
  983. "Do I get a choice?"
  984. >"Of course! As long as the choice is," her voice deepens, "yes Starlight Glimmer I'd love to help you with your magic studies so Twilight doesn't think you're procrastinating, and because I want to see you succeed I'll--"
  985. "Just do what you gotta do, but if I grow an extra limb I'll use it to beat you to death."
  986. >"Hah, well, you'll definitely be beating -something-, that's for sure."
  987. >You blink, and are about to deliver a firm "what", but she fires her horn off at your chest.
  988. >A fire lights beneath your skin, or at least it feels like it.
  989. >A searching burning, following every nerve ending in your body.
  990. >From the point the spell hit you, it surges throughout your nervous wiring like an errant bolt of lightning.
  991. >You would scream, but your jaw is clenched shut.
  992. >It lances down your legs and into your toes, and the pain ends suddenly. You gasp and gulp down air.
  993. >"Oh wow, it worked. Oh -wow- did it work."
  994. >You sit up, trembling, and gawk at what Starlight is making no attempt to tear her gaze from.
  995. >A mammoth bulge in your pants. You don't need to ask what it is, you can feel it with each pulse of blood rushing from your heart straight into and up it.
  996. >"Well, better take a look to make sure nothing bad happened, right?"
  997. >Your pants vanish and Starlight whistles.
  998. >"Now -that-, my human friend, is quite the equipment! No no, don't thank me. Or maybe you can? I can think of a way we can?"
  999. >She bounces her eyebrows.
  1000. >"If we can, can we please do it in Twilight's bed? It'd be -so- hot!"
  1001. "Wh-- is this permanent?"
  1002. >"Aha, well, no, it'll die down in like an hour, but we'd better make the most of it!"
  1003. "Oh thank God," you collapse back against the table.
  1004. >"So you like it?"
  1005. "I am -so- telling Twilight about this."
  1006. >"Uh, about the spell or about us doing it in her bed?"
  1007. "About the spell, you jackass. Hopefully this is the final straw and she'll kick you out for good."
  1008. >"What! I did you a favour!"
  1009. "You gave me a literal elephant dick!"
  1010. >"Well it's a heck of a lot more impressive than your -regular- junk, I'll tell you that much!"
  1011. >You flip her the bird, slide off the table, and power-waddle from the room in search of pants.
  1012. >Unfortunately, your new shlong drags along the floor.
  1013. >You'd think that would be awesome, but feeling the end of your shaft gather grit and dirt isn't great.
  1014. >Not to mention you step on it twice going upstairs.
  1015.  
  1016. *
  1017.  
  1018. >There's a knock on your bedroom door.
  1019. "That you, Spike? You can just come in."
  1020. >The door opens and your good mood evaporates.
  1021. >"Hi..."
  1022. "This you saying goodbye? Twilight give you the boot?"
  1023. >"No, but she said I have to apologise."
  1024. "For augmenting my body against my will."
  1025. >"For -improving- your body..." she mumbles.
  1026. "Do you do this for every guy you like?"
  1027. >You think for a second.
  1028. "Is -this- why Sunburst won't talk to you?"
  1029. >"Hey, I just have a hard time socialising, that's all!"
  1030. "So does Twilight, at least -she's- high-functioning. I don't know what the hell you are. You don't have any ethics, I know that much."
  1031. >"I have plenty of ethics!"
  1032. "Starlight, you're stabbing pins into my teddy bear right now."
  1033. >She looks down at your skewered teddy bear in her magical grip and flings it over her shoulder.
  1034. >"Besides the point, and teddy bears aren't ponies so they don't have rights, look, I want to say sorry."
  1035. >The door shuts. Then disconcertingly locks.
  1036. >"I want to say sorry because I wasted your time. Both our times, actually."
  1037. "...Say what now."
  1038. >"All this time I was trying the casual approach, trying to be your friend."
  1039. "Oh God."
  1040. >"When really I should just learn from the lessons of the past and use my talents to -take- what I want."
  1041. "Oh God not again."
  1042. >"Anon," Starlight glares at you. "I'm only gonna say this once. Give. Me. Your. Di--"
  1043. >You roll off your bed yelling "Code GlimGlam!" before she can finish and slap the plate-sized panic button under the frame, then slam a pillow over your ears and curl into a ball beneath the bed.
  1044. >A siren blares, lights flash, and the familiar sound of several teleports precedes a startled scream.
  1045. >"This is the horny police!" an amplified voice roars right above you, "Down on the ground!"
  1046. >"No, no!" Starlight screams.
  1047. >A blast rocks the room and you hear a wall crumble.
  1048. >"I won't go down like Rarity did! I'm not going to horny jail!"
  1049. >"Restrain her!"
  1050. >More screams, more yells, more dull explosions and vague concerns of the crystalline ceiling of the castle collapsing on you.
  1051. >Twilight's voice is heard over the din, bellowing at Starlight to surrender for her own good.
  1052. >A tiny form shuffles under your bed and curls up next to you with his own pillow.
  1053. >"Well that was overdue," says Spike. "You got any snacks under here?"
  1054.  
  1055. *
  1056.  
  1057. >All said, Starlight got five years in horny jail.
  1058. >And your horse-virginity lived to see another day.
  1059.  
  1060. ---
  1061.  
  1062. "Bump. Also requesting Nurse Redheart green."
  1063. - Anonymous
  1064.  
  1065. >You sit on a cold metal table wearing neither shirt nor pants, pining for the comfort of the waiting-room chair you'd taken for granted not twenty minutes past.
  1066. >Nurse Redheart enters and kicks the door shut in a practised motion. She looks mechanically at the clipboard in her hoof and seats herself on a high-chair next to you. She pats her mane down and looks off to the side distractedly before speaking.
  1067. >"Hello Anon, welcome to the hospital. I am here to make you feel good. I mean better. Now, why don't you tell me your problem."
  1068. "I have a..." you clear your throat and glance at the medicine cabinet before trying again. Redheart's patient look is strained, it's obvious she's at her limit. "I have an addiction to mare pussy and I need to get off it."
  1069. >Redheart breathes through her nose and nods in understanding.
  1070. >"Well, that sounds like a terrible problem."
  1071. "Is there any way you can help me get over this addiction. Is there an injection I can have," you say flatly.
  1072. >"Oh yes, I can think of an injection you can have that will help you get off."
  1073. >She unfolds her legs, and a massive erection flops out to greet you.
  1074. >It's impressive how she's able to go around hiding that thing in public, mares like Redheart are hardly common.
  1075. >"When you're done..." her lips flap uselessly for a second and you give her an encouraging look. "When you're done sucking the cum out of my balls, you can fuck a foal into my sopping wet... nurse pussy."
  1076. >She leans back and spreads her legs, a hoof parting the set of dry vaginal lips beneath her sack that belie her assertion.
  1077. "Wow, look at that," you say with utter indifference. "You don't see that every day. Is that real?"
  1078. >Redheart's face goes a natural tinge of rose and she doesn't respond.
  1079. >You watch her. She still doesn't speak. She's not going to, it's too much for her.
  1080. "Redheart?" you say softly.
  1081. >"I-I can't--"
  1082. >"Ugh, are you -kidding- me?"
  1083. >The doors of the medicine cabinet burst open and Fluttershy climbs out looking as cross as she did the previous three times - her right hoof is damp and the other clutches a set of papers.
  1084. >"It's a simple script! Anon is hesitant, Redheart pins him down and fucks his face with her rock-hard futa shaft against his will, then Anon gets really into it, realises his love of marecock, and rails her on the table whilst giving her a reach-around. How is that hard?"
  1085. >"I feel like an object!" Redheart blurts out. "I-I get that we have an agreement, but--" her lip trembles and she hides her face behind her hooves. "This-- this isn't me! I can't just show myself off like this!"
  1086. >You touch Redheart's shoulder and glare at Fluttershy.
  1087. "This is abuse. Can't you just make us clean your house or make you dinner like a normal fucking person?"
  1088. >"The terms of the game were clear--"
  1089. "It was a poker game and you've taken it way over the line--"
  1090. >"Did you both sign the contract?"
  1091. "To hell with the contra--"
  1092. >"Did you both sign the contract with Princess Twilight bearing witness?"
  1093. "She was -drunk-, Fluttershy--"
  1094. >"I remember, very clearly, that we all signed contracts saying that whoever lost the game had to do whatever the other pony said for one full day. This is what I want to do. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have signed the contract!"
  1095. "It's degrading! You know how self-conscious Red gets about herself!"
  1096. >"She's a nurse, she should be used to it--"
  1097. "Being a nurse doesn't mean you fuck your patients, you actual sociopath. It means she -helps- people."
  1098. >"Yes, and here she's helping you discover your fetish for marecock."
  1099. "I don't -have- a fetish for marecock!"
  1100. >"Exactly! You're completely oblivious to it! All you need to do is have her take you now and you'll get into it."
  1101. "Wrong as you are, why the hell do we need to do it in a public hospital? There are kids out there man, are these walls even soundproofed?"
  1102. >"Do you really think I'd be silly enough to try this if I didn't know the walls were soundproofed?"
  1103. >You and Redheart share a look. Fluttershy scowls.
  1104. >"Just do what you're contractually obligated to do and we can be done with it."
  1105. "And what happens if we just don't do it? What then?"
  1106. >"Then you'll have to face the wrath of Princess Twilight!"
  1107. "I don't know," you shrug, "Twilight's pretty chill when she's sober. I don't think she'd be wrathful."
  1108. >"Do you -really- want to take that risk?" Fluttershy insists.
  1109. >You look to Redheart again and you each nod after a moment's hesitation.
  1110. "Sure, that sounds fine with us."
  1111. >Fluttershy stamps her hoof.
  1112. >"But that's not fair! I won the poker game fair and square!"
  1113. "Yeah, well, contracts aren't worth much when there's nothing backing them up except Scout's Honour. Sorry, Flutters, but we're done here. Keep your weird perversions to yourself."
  1114. >You dress yourself with the clothes you'd neatly folded and left on the counter as Fluttershy alternates between grinding her teeth and whining.
  1115. >She can't do much to stop you leaving, so you leave her behind and depart the hospital with Redheart at your side.
  1116. "You knew her before I came here, was she always like this?"
  1117. >"Kind of. Just became bolder when you showed up."
  1118. "Great. Sorry about all that--"
  1119. >"Nothing to apologise for, Anon. We know now not to get drunk around Fluttershy and poker games."
  1120. "Or Twilight."
  1121. >"Especially Twilight--"
  1122. >A blast of purple before you makes the both of you yell.
  1123. >Twilight Sparkle totters about on the spot, seemingly unable to keep her head balanced atop her shoulders.
  1124. >She swallows heavily and turns to you both, one eye blinking and a delirious grin stretched across her deep-red cheeks.
  1125. >"H-hey guys, guys there you are--"
  1126. "Oh Jesus," you intone.
  1127. >"So Abblejag let me try some of the -spicy- stuff at her place, a-and I remember that we did a contract thing the other night!"
  1128. >"Oh Celestia," Redheart whimpers.
  1129. >"So, so, s-so I was thinking!"
  1130. >She hiccups.
  1131. >"Do you guys wanna come bagg to my place'n fugg on the map room table? I found a spell that'll make me -huge- if you catch my drift. Huge like Redheart. A big ol' dong. Is good. Verr good."
  1132. >Poker was a mistake.
  1133.  
  1134. ---
  1135.  
  1136. "another day, another failed attempt"
  1137. - Anonymous
  1138.  
  1139. >The phone rings, each tone tightening your anxiety like a coil under pressure.
  1140. >Are they closed? The advert said they closed at five but it's only just after four.
  1141. >Maybe you should give up and try again tomorrow--
  1142. >"Hackme Industries, you're through to Early Song, how can I help you today?"
  1143. >You freeze and stare rigidly at Angel Bunny.
  1144. >He shakes his head and thumps his foot against your tensed leg and you nod.
  1145. >"Hello?" comes the voice.
  1146. "U-um, yes, hello? Can you hear me?"
  1147. >"I can hear you miss, how can I help and can I take your name?"
  1148. "I'd like to file a complaint. W-well I mean I don't really -want- to, but I feel like I should, maybe, I'm Fluttershy by the way, and not really -should- file a complaint--"
  1149. >"What is this complaint regarding, Fluttershy?"
  1150. "It's, uhh," you look to Angel for help.
  1151. >He holds up the flyer and slaps a hoof against the bold picture of a peculiar machine - a sort of drill crossed with a blimp and an alarm clock.
  1152. "I bought the Easy-Mole Drill Engine from you a-and it didn't work."
  1153. >"I'm sorry to hear that, Fluttershy, was there a technical fault with the product?"
  1154. "N-not exactly, it was more like it just didn't... you know, -work-."
  1155. >"Hm, I'm not sure I follow you. Would you like us to send a technician out to you to take a look at it?"
  1156. "Oh no, that won't be necessary, the machine does what it's supposed to, it, you know, drills big holes really, really quickly."
  1157. >"Alright? So what seems to be the problem?"
  1158. "Well I wanted to use it, or really the hole it made, for something, but the thing the hole was for didn't work out so I was thinking maybe I could..."
  1159. >You bite your lip. Angel thumps your leg again.
  1160. "Ask for advice or make a complaint or whatever?"
  1161. >A pause. A voice, distant from the phone on the other end, sighs.
  1162. >"Okay, Fluttershy, what would you like to ask about the Easy-Mole. Did it drill the hole as advertised?"
  1163. "Oh, um, yes."
  1164. >"A great big ten-foot-deep hole with little to no effort on your part?"
  1165. "Yes, it did."
  1166. >"Please describe the process so I can get a clearer picture of what the problem with the Easy-Mole might be."
  1167. "There's not much to say, I filled it with diesel like the instructions said."
  1168. >"Alright."
  1169. "And then I placed the markers in a square spaced five feet apart from each other."
  1170. >"Good?"
  1171. "And then pushed the 'go' button. Then it trundled about digging the hole within the marked area."
  1172. >"Great. Fantastic, isn't that a good thing?"
  1173. "Sure, the machine worked as far as that goes."
  1174. >"So then what's the complaint about?"
  1175. "W-well I'm still not married."
  1176. >A longer pause. One so long you wonder if the line has dropped. You push the speaker further into your ear, straining to hear anything on the other end.
  1177. >Early Song speaks very slowly, a hopeful lilt to her voice.
  1178. >"Fluttershy, is this a prank call?"
  1179. "No? The hole was supposed to help me get married, but it didn't work out and I'm not, so I'd like to file a complaint that the machine didn't work as far as advertised. Th-the advertisement said it'd solve..." you take the flyer offered by Angel. "All my hole-related problems lickedy-split. That's the flyer that said lickedy... you know, not me. I'm not saying that specifically that's more of an Applejack thing. Do you know Applejack? You kind of sound like her. Southern, I mean. Not saying all southerners sound the same though, I-I'm not prejudiced."
  1180. >A faint whimper trembles over the line.
  1181. >Why is it that whenever you call customer services you get the rude ponies that don't seem to understand your problems?
  1182. >Ponies are supposed to help each other, aren't they?
  1183. >When Early Song speaks, she sounds fatigued.
  1184. >"Please explain to me how marriage is in any way related to a hole-drilling machine."
  1185. "Oh!" you perk up. "Well that's easy, it all started five weeks ago when this new resident moved into town..."
  1186. >As it happens, Early Song is a very good listener; you were wrong to think her rude.
  1187. >Not once during your retelling of your favourite story did she interrupt, only offering confirmatory grunts at each pause in your speech.
  1188. >You glance at the clock as you finish and are surprised to see it's almost five.
  1189. >How fast things move whenever you talk about him.
  1190. "So anyway, that brings me to the machine. I saw the flyer and thought 'If I can trap Anon in a big hole, he won't be able to run away like all those other times, and then he'll -have- to listen to me, and I'll have to look after him whilst he's in there since he won't be able to get out, and then he'll fall in love and marry me! I'd have dug the hole myself but I'm not very strong and can never hold a spade as well as my friend Applejack, plus I only had a single night to get it dug before Anon went on his morning jog. The machine worked really well digging the hole, but when I put a tarp over it to cover it Anon just ran around it, he didn't even stop on his jog. Then when I came by to see about filling the hole back in later I found a whole bunch of ponies stuck in the hole. Lyra was there, and Big Mac, and Scootaloo, and the Mayor..." you trail off.
  1191. >Early Song clears her throat in the lingering pause.
  1192. >"Is... is that it? Are you done?"
  1193. "Oh, and Filthy Rich too! And Sweetie Belle, and Ditzy Doo as well. That one confused me since Ditzy is a pegasus pony, but I guess she forgot she had wings again which happens a lot if I'm being honest--"
  1194. >"I'm -very- sorry about this, -miss-" she almost spits the word, "but I'm getting close to the end of my shift and the offices close in a little while. Could you summarise briefly what the complaint is?"
  1195. "Um. The hole didn't secure my marriage. Can I have my money back, please?"
  1196. >"No."
  1197. >You blink, giving Angel an uncertain look. He quirks an eyebrow.
  1198. "P-please?"
  1199. >"No. From what you've told me, there's no fault with the machine. No refund unless there's a provable fault as assessed by one of our technicians."
  1200. "Oh... okay. Well, I'm sorry for bothering you, Early Song. It -was- Early Song, wasn't it? I hope I didn't get your name wrong, or that I didn't take up too much of your time."
  1201. >You've been on the phone for nearly an hour, but it's fine. You had a nice chat, or at least you think you did.
  1202. >"Are... are we done, then?"
  1203. "I think so. Oh! You were such a good listener earlier, would you like to hear more about Anon--"
  1204. >The line goes dead.
  1205. >You deflate and give Angel a resigned shrug.
  1206. "Maybe they drop the line as soon as it's home time."
  1207. >You stroke Angel's head.
  1208. "Next time we'll get him, Angel. There's gotta be -something- out there that'll get him."
  1209. >Angel hands you another flyer with a quizzical chirp.
  1210. "What's this? An industrial fan? I guess we could work with that... -Also- from Hackme? Wow, they make everything! Hey, do you think if we call to ask about it, we'll get to speak to Early Song again? I kind of liked her. I know! We'll call first-thing tomorrow morning, that way we won't get cut off again."
  1211.  
  1212. *
  1213.  
  1214. >In the city of Baltimare, on the other side of Equestria, Early Song shivers unbidden as she prepares to leave the office.
  1215. >She glances at her desk phone, now dead with the cord pulled out the back, and swallows the sudden lump in her throat.
  1216.  
  1217. ---
  1218.  
  1219. "We do not play games, Anonymous. Surrender thine loins to me and prepare thy hips for a pounding!"
  1220. - Luna. Nah, it was Anonymous. Fooled you proper good.
  1221.  
  1222. >The grass pressed against your back should be cold and hard, but you take no notice of it.
  1223. >Luna stands above you, panting and triumphant once more. Clouds of frosted breath pass from her to be swallowed by the night.
  1224. >"Concede yet?"
  1225. >She'll want an answer soon, her impatience much like her anger is easily drawn.
  1226. >Yet you don't respond. You stare past her, eyes vacant and wandering.
  1227. >Her tongue darts across her lips. Her feelings are always written on her surface, in contrast to her sister, and it's easy to tell when she's taken offence by the creasing on her brow.
  1228. >Her brow is very creased.
  1229. >"Are you mute, now? Answer!"
  1230. >She stamps a hoof. It lands inches from your head but you take no notice.
  1231. >"Very well then, be that way. I shall have my fun with or without your comment."
  1232. >Luna steps back and flourishes herself. Her mane's sparkles swell and she cleanses the dirt she'd gathered across her coat and hooves with a flush of magic.
  1233. >"For your sake I hope you are ready. I shall do things to do that no mare would ever dream of, let alone speak."
  1234. >The sky should be beautiful. It has all the characteristics of beauty, but its gentleness washes over you unaffecting like a current over granite.
  1235. >Luna is speaking, but her words don't register.
  1236. >Futile thoughts tug at you. Is any of this worth it? In the face of all that up there, why should any of this matter?
  1237. >"Thunder!"
  1238. >That caught your ear, though without context it doesn't make much sense.
  1239. >For a moment your gaze refocuses on Luna, whose face bears all the fury one would expect from a scorned princess.
  1240. >"Still deaf? We shall see how deaf you are when my cries pierce your ears as you pierce my depths!"
  1241. >Do ponies find her attractive?
  1242. >They must do. Rare is the teenager or even stallion who doesn't have a pin-up or some other Luna-centric idol in their room.
  1243. >If Equestrians are fond of anything, it's creating pornography of their two beloved princesses.
  1244. >Is Luna aware of the effect she has? Is Celestia? Do they condone it? Celestia doesn't seem to be a narcissist, though you've been wrong before.
  1245. >Perhaps Celestia is an even bigger freak than Luna.
  1246. >As desirable as Equestria finds them, they do nothing for you. Never will, though never is a long time, so perhaps you should be more careful with your words.
  1247. >Luna seems troubled. She settles on her belly beside you, her face close to yours.
  1248. >"Are you alright, Anonymous? I'm explaining how I'm going to crush your primate cock between my royal folds and you aren't even stirring. Do you want to struggle some more? I'll let you take the first swing?"
  1249. "What's the point, Luna."
  1250. >She watches you, then nods as if solving some calculation.
  1251. >"Oh, so it's one of -those- nights."
  1252. >She rolls onto her back and watches the sky with you.
  1253. >"Normally you'd at least punch me a few times before I had my way with you. Swear a bit, struggle, that sort of thing. I should have realised something was wrong, I apologise."
  1254. "Why bother with any of it when there's all that up there?" You gesture skyward.
  1255. >"What, stars? The existence of stars doesn't temper my raging heat, Anonymous. Only the throbbing rods of the unwilling can do that."
  1256. >She grins sidelong at you, but it vanishes.
  1257. >"Truly nothing? Tartarus, you must be very, ah, down in the dumps, I think I've heard it called."
  1258. "Just hard to find a reason why I should struggle, or you should act the way you do, when there's so much vastness. There's a universe out there and we're stuck in the mud doing... this. Like animals. Same thing night in and night out."
  1259. >"Well, I'm having fun at least. Aren't you?"
  1260. >You tilt your head to frown at her.
  1261. "You've raped me every night for two weeks."
  1262. >"And it's been a ball, hasn't it?"
  1263. "For you, maybe."
  1264. >"For me definitely, but surely some part of you has taken small comfort in the proceedings? A lot of stallions would love to be where you are. Wrapped up warm and tight, your glans prodding the entrance to my womb. You know," she says conversationally, "a lot of mares don't like that, actually. Womb-prodding, I mean. It does actually hurt quite a bit, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised I like it when it hurts. I've always been somewhat masochistic."
  1265. "We'll all be dead someday," you mutter.
  1266. >"You and I? Oh, I don't know about that. I made you immortal the moment I fell in love with you."
  1267. "...What?"
  1268. >"I cast a spell on you whilst you were sleeping. Spell is reductive, actually. It was a ritual. Several ponies were involved, including Celestia. You were kept asleep for a full day whilst we worked, but eventually it was done. You are immortal, just as I am."
  1269. >She shuffles up next to you, her shoulder to yours.
  1270. >"Now we can be together forever. Isn't that grand?"
  1271. "No..." you say slowly.
  1272. >"Oh come off it, you'll learn to love it eventually. Even if you don't I'll only love you more. I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a serious kink for rape."
  1273. "No, I mean you're not immortal."
  1274. >Luna frowns in turn.
  1275. >"I can assure you that I am. We are. I have lived for thousands of years, and you will too."
  1276. "The planet is billions of years old, though. The universe is. At some point this world will disintegrate and we'll go with it."
  1277. >The Princess looks baffled.
  1278. >"Where in -Equestria- did you get that idea from?"
  1279. "Entropy. The most fundamental law of--"
  1280. >"Fundamental nothing, you don't know what you're talking about! Entropy? Entropy was dealt with the moment magic was born!"
  1281. >Your confusion must be obvious because she continues.
  1282. >"It was... oh now what was her name, it's been... aeons. Glorianna, I believe she was called, that first discovered magic. She wasn't a pony, her kind have long since ceased to be and only immortals such as Celestia and I even know she existed, but she was the mother of magic. Magic's purpose, Anon, is to negate entropy. That's what magic -is-. It is anti-entropy. It is endless creation, endlessly reinforcing itself and endlessly pushing back the void."
  1283. >You turn back to the night and after a moment let out a long "huh".
  1284. >"So all this nonsense about the planet fading to dust is just that."
  1285. >She shakes her head and narrows her eyes at her moon.
  1286. >"A universe doomed to extinction by the passing of time. Is that how things are in your universe? No wonder you came here. If I knew everything around me would one day end for good I should go insane."
  1287. >She looks to you again with a motherly gaze.
  1288. >"Is that really why you were so upset? Oh, you're a sensitive one, aren't you, Anon? My little Anon, worried about the end of time. Time won't end, Anon. Nothing in Equestria ends so long as magic exists. And Glorianna ensured that it would -always- exist. She bound it to the very molecules of our world. It is in everything. Every sigh of the wind, every brush of the waves, every ponderous tectonic tremble."
  1289. >She plants a delicate kiss on your cheek.
  1290. >"So don't worry. We'll be together for eternity, just you watch. And I'll be there every night to make sure your cock is pumping load after load into me, with or without your consent."
  1291. >Another kiss.
  1292. >"Because I love you very much."
  1293. >She drapes herself across your chest, listening to your heartbeat.
  1294. >"We're going to have so many foals..."
  1295. >You continue to look past her and into the abyss, your mind wrestling with revelation.
  1296. >Luna seems content to lie there listening to your body, her form shifting in time with your breaths.
  1297. "Forever?" you say at last.
  1298. >"Forever," is the soft response.
  1299. "...Shit."
  1300. >"I know." She sighs happily. "You're so fucked it's unreal."
  1301.  
  1302. ---
  1303.  
  1304. Anonymous posted a picture of Luna reclined on a bed pulling some sort of duck-face.
  1305.  
  1306. >You enter - more stagger into, really - your bedroom, the bed before you a beckoning respite in the hell of your exhaustion.
  1307. >Alas, a figure lies atop it.
  1308. >She wears a cocky smile and naught else, even her regalia is gone.
  1309. >"Good evening, Anonymous. Are you ready for bed? Come to me, let us share in each other's warmth, I yearn to feel your skin against my fur."
  1310. >You stand in the doorway swaying, trying to reconcile the purity of your bed with the newly acquired bane of your existence polluting it.
  1311. >Your tiredness is absolute, so your decision isn't hard.
  1312. >You stumble back downstairs and pass out on the sofa.
  1313.  
  1314. *
  1315.  
  1316. >The cereal tastes like cardboard, probably because some of it is.
  1317. >You dragged yourself off the sofa this morning in need of food, and if you had to literally tear the box of Cheerilee-Os apart to get to it, so be it.
  1318. >The box was a necessary sacrifice, and maybe the wood-pulp and chemicals are fulfilling some trace nutrient you weren't getting.
  1319. >Luna strides into the kitchen and seats herself at your table.
  1320. >"I decided to let you sleep on your own last night, Anonymous. It would be rude of me to intrude on your personal space. If I may add, your bed was very comfortable."
  1321. >You chew your cardboard and grunt.
  1322. >"May I have some breakfast as well?"
  1323. >You swallow the last of the cardboard and leave her sat where she is.
  1324. >She watches you go with a frown.
  1325. >Then shrugs and helps herself to some cereal and cardboard box with milk.
  1326.  
  1327. *
  1328.  
  1329. >"Anon? Customer for you."
  1330. >Your boss' call pulls you from the kitchen.
  1331. >Mrs Cake gives you a strained smile and jerks her head at the counter.
  1332. >Luna stands beyond it, smiling at you as you emerge.
  1333. >"I was hoping I might find you here!" she declares. "I had to ask around about where you worked since you wouldn't tell me - you do love your secrets, don't you? - but I found out eventually!"
  1334. >You grit your teeth and shoot at look at Mrs Cake.
  1335. >She shrugs guiltily and scooches past you to check on the ovens.
  1336. >"Now, I would like to commission a cake. The largest you have, please. Upon it I would like the words," she gestures the following with a hoof, as if writing it in the air: "Luna and Anonymous, together eternally!"
  1337. >The other customers in the shop look from her to you.
  1338. >Some of the stallions look so jealous as to be outraged.
  1339. >"How much would that cost? Do I get a lover's discount?" she adds after you don't respond.
  1340. "More than the entire treasury."
  1341.  
  1342. *
  1343.  
  1344. >"...Never let it be said that Crystal Glass didn't know her decanters, though. The decanter she created was renowned for its beauty, so much so that it now sits in the Canterlot Vault all these centuries later! Isn't that amazing?"
  1345. >Twilight beams at you.
  1346. >You furrow your brow at the paper before you.
  1347. >You were meant to be taking notes on historical figures but you'll be damned if you could keep up with half of what was being said.
  1348. "Uhh, yeah?"
  1349. >"Okay! So now since we're moving into the third century we'll need to go off on a li~ittle tangent and discuss Droogle. He's a little bit controversial but I think it's necessary to study his heresies in under to understand the direction society was heading at that time and how it lead to the rise of--"
  1350. >"Droogle was a knave--"
  1351. >Twilight leaps off her cushion with a yelp like a startled dog.
  1352. >You flinch too, but are mostly annoyed.
  1353. >"--and a pervert, do not speak of him."
  1354. >Luna - having suddenly appeared - lies on her own set of cushions behind Twilight, chewing an apple.
  1355. >"Princ-- Princess Luna?!" Twilight's jaw hangs open in a very unladylike manner.
  1356. >"The same."
  1357. >"What are -you- doing here? N-not that I mind, just-- why?"
  1358. >"I have been here the entire time. Invisibility is a trifle when one is mostly stationary, and I wanted to keep an eye on my Anonymous to make sure you weren't trying to seduce him."
  1359. >"I-I wasn't-- I would never!--"
  1360. >"What, -never-? Not even a little bit? Are you implying my beloved is ugly?"
  1361. "I'm not your beloved, you fucking maniac--"
  1362. >"I didn't say he was -ugly-, just that I wouldn't try to seduce... hold on, are you -dating- Anon?"
  1363. "No. No she is not. Don't encourage her."
  1364. >"I am!" Luna says with a broad smile. "Anonymous and I fell in love at the Gala the other week. Isn't that right, darling?"
  1365. "I loathe you."
  1366. >"See? He loves me!"
  1367.  
  1368. *
  1369.  
  1370. "What gives?"
  1371. >"I'm just, uh, busy today, dude."
  1372. >You frown up at the cloud and the nervous blue face peering off it.
  1373. "You're never busy in the morning." You offer a helpless shrug. "Come on, Dash, you like our morning jogs, don't you?"
  1374. >"I-I do, sure, but I'm uh, busy today, and tomorrow, and all this month."
  1375. "Doing what?"
  1376. >"Stuff! You know, stuff. Big stuff, really big. And blue, and horny. You wouldn't get it."
  1377. >You narrow your eyes.
  1378. "What do you mean 'blue and horny'."
  1379. >"N-nothing! I didn't say anything!"
  1380. >She looks at something far above her, yelps, and vanishes in a chromatic blur.
  1381. >You crane your head back and shield your eyes from the sun.
  1382. >Way up past Dash's cloud sits another. Darker, angrier; a storm cloud.
  1383. >An ethereal starlit mane wafts off the side of it.
  1384. >You glare at it with all the force you can muster.
  1385. >A pair eyes glance over the rim of the cloud, then dart back as soon as they see you looking.
  1386. >You hear a faint giggle.
  1387.  
  1388. *
  1389.  
  1390. >"S-so um, this is all to say, um, Happy Birthday..."
  1391. >Fluttershy kicks a pebble and nudges the sizeable box before her closer to your doorstep. She avoids looking at you.
  1392. >You wearily smile down at her, the only pony in town wholly incapable of annoying you.
  1393. "That's really sweet of you, Fluttershy, I'm flattered you remembered. What is it?"
  1394. >"Oh, it's just a sweater I knitted."
  1395. "A... sweater?"
  1396. >You squint at the box.
  1397. "Box is a bit big for a sweater, isn't it? What, did you pack it with other sweaters to keep mine safe?" you laugh and Fluttershy manages a meek smile of her own.
  1398. >"Not at all, I just didn't have a smaller box. Will... that be a problem?"
  1399. "Not even remotely. Again, thank you."
  1400. >You lift the lid off the box and stare into it.
  1401. >Your smile slowly fades.
  1402. >Instead of a sweater, there's only a note stuck to the bottom that reads "Japed!"
  1403. >You look up at Fluttershy.
  1404. >She grins at you, and in a flash of azure magic your most-favourite pony is replaced with your least-favourite.
  1405. >"Aha! Deceit from under your very nose! You never suspected a thing, did you?"
  1406. "Wh-what," you manage.
  1407. >"There was never a Fluttershy, it was I, Luna!"
  1408. "We've been talking for twenty minutes!"
  1409. >"A convincing performance, was it not? And I appreciate you confiding those more 'private' matters with me, Anonymous. I shall have to impersonate Fluttershy more often! It seems she brings out the more sensitive side in you."
  1410. >Her eyes narrow.
  1411. >"You'd better not be thinking of doing anything risqué with her, I hope? Nor she you?"
  1412. >Luna nods as if confirming a thought.
  1413. >"I had better pay her a visit to be safe... Even so, Happy Birthday! I got you a gift."
  1414. >Her horn flashes and her form is suddenly bound tight in ribbons.
  1415. >"I am the gift! Isn't that a treat? So, would you like to untie me? Perhaps in the bedro--"
  1416. >You slam the door.
  1417.  
  1418. *
  1419.  
  1420. >"Once again, I apologise for all this, Anonymous."
  1421. >You grunt.
  1422. >"Luna is... still adjusting to modern life, I'm sure you understand."
  1423. "Sure."
  1424. >Celestia gives you a weak smile.
  1425. >"She's always been somewhat... intense, in her fixations. In many ways this makes her superior to many. Her resolve is often unshakeable. You ought to see the artworks she's created, she's a peerless sculptor, you know."
  1426. "I'm sure she is."
  1427. >"Yes..." Celestia nods her head to the side a touch. "Even so... I'm sorry things transpired like... this. It's not how I wanted to meet you for the first time. I was hoping we could do so at the Gala, but I suppose Luna took up all your time, didn't she?"
  1428. >You both look at Luna.
  1429. >She's on your bed, bound in radiant golden chains, her face a mask of unfettered rage.
  1430. >The mare squirms again and tries to speak, but the chains bind her every movement.
  1431. >Her horn flares impotently, the magic dissipating before it can manifest.
  1432. >"I'll take her back to Canterlot and explain, again, that doing what she's been doing is highly inappropriate in today's society, and that if she wishes to court you she'll require your consent first. Does... she have your consen--"
  1433. "No."
  1434. >"I see. Well, I apologise unreservedly for the inconvenience this has all caused."
  1435. "S'fine. Just get her out of here."
  1436. >"Yes, quite. I suppose you're not fond of alicorns now, are you? -Are- you?"
  1437. >She watches your expression closely. You don't respond. She clears her throat and nods.
  1438. >"R-right."
  1439. >Celestia rises and levitates her sister. Luna growls as she's floated alongside her elder as Celestia turns to go.
  1440. >"Oh, one other thing, just a shot in the dark..."
  1441. >You stomach knots as Celestia faces you again with a hopeful look.
  1442. >"You... wouldn't happen to be free on Saturday, would you?"
  1443. >It never ends.
  1444.  
  1445. ---
  1446.  
  1447. This one will be -some- deranged lunatic's idea of a good time. But not I.
  1448.  
  1449. >Fluttershy is raping you.
  1450. >She's assigned to do so on a Tuesday, though exceptions are made for public holidays and family visits.
  1451. >Last week she skipped out because her parents were in town and Lyra had to pull double-duty.
  1452. >You're past complaining. It's been half a year, and doing so doesn't change anything and just makes the whole situation feel worse, like you're being oppressed. Which you are, but that's unimportant.
  1453. >The Stoics argued that happiness is a matter of perspective, that even a labouring slave could find peace in their circumstances.
  1454. >You weren't quite there yet, but you could see where they were coming from.
  1455. >Mondays were Rainbow Dash and were the quickest sessions. In and out in ten minutes flat. She always had places to be, and was similar to Lyra in that respect, though she has a lot more enthusiasm for the event and had a penchant for shouting at you to go faster. If Saturdays were a marathon, Mondays were a sprint.
  1456. >Wednesdays were harsh - those were Applejack's days.
  1457. >As one would expect from a farm pony she worked you hard, and it had to be cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, strictly one of the two. Any deviation from the norm and she'd get uncomfortable and quickly revert to one of the two.
  1458. >A brief foray into doggy-style the other month ended in tears and she was straight back to riding you "as Celestia intended".
  1459. >Thursdays and Fridays were Lyra then Derpy, they tended to be the milder days, neither mare tended to treat the event with any sort of celebration, and Lyra saw the whole thing as a chore keeping her from her music.
  1460. >You liked Thursdays because they were over quickly, like a business transaction. Weekdays were a trial, but Thursdays were like picking up coffee from Starbucks. Routine, nothing special, no hard feelings.
  1461. >Derpy's just happy to be with someone. You've decided not to hold any unpleasant feelings towards Derpy.
  1462. >Saturdays were the worst. Twilight Sparkle. You'd come to expect long, drawn out sessions with half a dozen positions then half a dozen more 'experiments'. She'd recently developed a thing for ball-gags, so you spend most of the time unable to voice your discontent beyond pained muffled shouts, not that it would matter.
  1463. >Anything that could conceivably be interpreted as a kink would be deployed and explored; most of the time they were benign, but sometimes she'd cross a line and force you to promise not to tell anyone and that neither of you should ever speak of it.
  1464. >Like you ever spoke about anything that went on in Golden Oaks.
  1465. >Sundays were your off day, though it wasn't uncommon for the Mayor to swing by and "check in on you", which more often than not would end in a creampie in one of two holes. The third was off-limits.
  1466. >Sex was once something treasured; precious, even.
  1467. >You look back on the Earth days with increasing detachment, wondering about the contradictions of inserting innuendo into everything but pretending sex is some great taboo not to be talked about. Referenced, but never discussed.
  1468. >Equestria saw things differently.
  1469. >With the staggering ratio of mares to stallions, males were a comparative rarity, and as such were 'rationed' out to the populace.
  1470. >A male, once 'of age', would be assigned a weekly rota of mares he had to service. There was a lot of overlap. The mares with more free time tended to be a part of more rotas.
  1471. >They called it servicing. You called it what it was.
  1472. >Fluttershy is trying to bounce on your lap, wings ineffectually flapping to balance her. She's never been very good at this even if she does seem to enjoy it.
  1473. >Her movements are awkward and you keep slipping out of her, followed by her apologising and fumbling to get you back in before repeating the cycle again.
  1474. >You've taken to reading a book during your days with Fluttershy. She doesn't seem to mind, though she does keep asking you "if it feels good".
  1475. >You'll grunt, and that'll be that for another minute.
  1476. >You turn to the next page.
  1477. >Without ceremony you fill her up and she quivers, thanks you, then goes about cleaning both herself and you with her prepared cleaning supplies she'd set aside in a neat wicker basket on the chair.
  1478. >Fluttershy and Twilight are the only two that care to clean things up after a session, most mares are happy to let the results stain wherever they were. A curiously disgusting habit, but you've been here for long enough now that it doesn't bother you anymore.
  1479. >Equestria smells a lot like sex. Most households reek of some form of musk to the point where you don't actually smell it. You acknowledge it, and that's about it.
  1480. >From what you're able to gather, the whole arrangement is supposed to facilitate breeding, since the amount of times insemination results in pregnancy is actually extremely low.
  1481. >The goal is the production of more stallions to maintain the population, but all it ever seems to produce are fillies with the odd colt thrown in.
  1482. >A baby girl is a dull matter, of course. A ticked box and a hastened maternity leave. A baby boy is a street party and popped champagne. It's like every birth of a boy is the birth of Christ.
  1483. >There was a story in the papers for four months about two colts being born on the same street in Canterlot.
  1484. >Celestia called it "a sign that things were finally getting better", which you found quite sad.
  1485. >It's strange, given how the colt will grow up to be treated.
  1486. >You'd think that with how precious the males of the population are they'd take better care of them.
  1487. >But that's not how they see it.
  1488. >A stallion is assigned a group of mares to 'service', which wouldn't be so bad except if he doesn't perform the mare has the right to sue for emotional neglect.
  1489. >This is made worse by mares getting aggravated if their assigned stallion doesn't pump a foal into them eventually. The stallions can't be blamed, though. Biology is biology.
  1490. >Stallions get taken to court a lot, so you're essentially forced to smile and perform as best you can.
  1491. >Except with Fluttershy, and sometimes Lyra when she was feeling particularly distracted by some new rhythm.
  1492. >You could get away with being distant. Rude, even.
  1493. >It's a small luxury.
  1494. >As a reward for your services, you don't go to prison for treasonous neglect of your duties, which is nice.
  1495. >You'd think that, being human, you wouldn't qualify for any of this since you can't get any of them pregnant, but "the law must upheld", the Mayor often tells you as you rail her from behind.
  1496. >The Mayor prefers anal. Says pregnancies interrupt her work so she's gotten used to taking it in the backdoor. Apparently it feels better. You think it feels loose, and that the Mayor needs to do more kegel exercises.
  1497. >Fluttershy dabs your forehead with a cloth and offers you a drink.
  1498. >You grunt your approval and turn to the next page.
  1499. >Might as well enjoy what relaxation you can get before tomorrow.
  1500. >Applejack has broken three bones so far, all of them in your hands. She's not quite wrapped her head around how delicate your fingers are but you're hoping she'll get it before she's broken every finger at least once.
  1501. >Fluttershy mumbles something and you know she's trying to assert dominance and intimidate you into going for another round. It's not her fault, that's what mares are instructed to do. They're meant to 'take control to secure the future of Equestria'.
  1502. >You nod without looking and she thanks you before getting back to it.
  1503. >Her legs are shaky as she tries yet again to emulate her friend's preferred method.
  1504. >She's better at missionary, frankly. Better at lying back and watching you with those massive, naive eyes.
  1505. >Two weeks ago she said she loved you.
  1506. >She apologised for it later and that's why she doesn't do missionary anymore, too many feelings well up in that position.
  1507. >Such a strange world.
  1508. >Celestia's coming to town on Sunday, some royal visit.
  1509. >Twilight's been babbling about it all month, and sessions with her have become even longer as a result. More 'experiments'.
  1510. >You've decided you're going to tell Celestia exactly what you think of her deranged country.
  1511. >Maybe it'll go well.
  1512. >Maybe she'll break more than your fingers.
  1513. >Who even knows what goes on in the mind of a leader that encourages things like this to happen.
  1514. >Fluttershy shudders around you. You turn to the next page.
  1515. >Who could have imagined that sex could be so mind-numbingly boring.
  1516.  
  1517. ---
  1518.  
  1519. Fluttershy is fren :)
  1520.  
  1521. >"Are trampolines your fetish?"
  1522. >Fluttershy doesn't wait for an answer and flings herself onto the bounce mat, plunging down and up, down and up.
  1523. >She whoops and giggles as she goes.
  1524. >You watch her go, sipping your coffee as you do.
  1525. "Is it even about sex at this point?"
  1526. >"What do you mean?" she says, bouncing.
  1527. "Last week it was pogo sticks. You were having a great time with that one, too."
  1528. >"Yep!"
  1529. >Some sort of attempted half spin ends in an elbow drop, then back into the air.
  1530. "Before that it was a spa date for two. You mumbled something about fetishes before we went through the door, then we just spent three hours at a spa."
  1531. >"Wasn't it great?"
  1532. "Sure, my nails have never been cleaner," you inspect your smooth still-shining keratin. "But I don't see how it's supposed to win me over."
  1533. >"Uhh, it was about... something."
  1534. >Fluttershy performs a flawless double front-flip and flops onto her back, bouncing a few more times before coming to rest, panting.
  1535. >You lean an arm on the side of the trampoline and sip again.
  1536. "What's next week?"
  1537. >"Mountain bikes."
  1538. "Didn't know Equestria had bikes."
  1539. >"Why wouldn't we?"
  1540. "You're horses?"
  1541. >"So?"
  1542. >You frown and gesture at the frame on your front lawn.
  1543. "You're gonna move this, I hope?"
  1544. >"Maybe. You can keep it if you want it."
  1545. "Never been my thing."
  1546. >"Never too old to try."
  1547. "Already did, broke my arm when I was seven, these things are a death trap."
  1548. >"Suit yourself. Is that no to mountain bikes?"
  1549. "I think you're only doing this so we can hang out."
  1550. >"Why'd you think that?"
  1551. "You haven't actually mentioned or attempted to initiate sex in two months."
  1552. >"Has it really been that long?"
  1553. "Yeah, think so."
  1554. >"Are... we friends now, then?"
  1555. >You shrug.
  1556. "Sort of. Wouldn't say we're super good friends, but yeah, we're hanging out a lot more and you've not been ruining it by getting weird. I think it's been three months since I've seen your vagina close-up."
  1557. >"Oh. Is that your fetish?"
  1558. "No it is not."
  1559. >"So you -do- want to--"
  1560. "Don't."
  1561. >"Sorry."
  1562. >She stares at the sky, chewing the inside of her cheek.
  1563. >You sip your coffee and rap your perfectly manicured nails on the stainless steel frame.
  1564. >"So do you still want to do mountain bikes?"
  1565. "We can do mountain bikes."
  1566. >She claps.
  1567. >"Woo hoo!"
  1568.  
  1569. ---
  1570.  
  1571. Anonymous posted a Fluttershy picture done by a Japanese artist. I think they were Japanese, anyway, or I'm gonna look like an asshole. Or a bigger one than usual, rather.
  1572.  
  1573. >"Nishi-washi Tokyo Drift."
  1574. >You stare into your tomato soup and contemplate the croutons bobbing around on the surface, fluffy vessels of meaning adrift atop the viscous depths of meaninglessness.
  1575. >One rotates too far to one side and is swallowed by the soup.
  1576. >Another victim of an incoherent universe.
  1577. >You look up at Fluttershy.
  1578. "What?"
  1579. >"Uh, nicky tacky wishu wishu. Desu sempai namaste?"
  1580. "Are you having an aneurysm? Dug, is she having an aneurysm?"
  1581. >Dug Tracks, the stallion behind the counter of the soup truck you're huddled next to in your thick jacket and woolly hat, leans on his elbow and squints at Fluttershy.
  1582. >"Think she might be one'a them wheelie-boos, son."
  1583. "Is it contagious?"
  1584. >"Maybe. If she offers you pocky, don't do it."
  1585. "What's pocky?"
  1586. >"Allegedly food. I'm not so sure."
  1587. "Noted."
  1588. >"Waka waka bang bing wahoo. Suzuki."
  1589. >Fluttershy, in defiance of winter, isn't wearing boots or a scarf or anything that would keep out the icy chill.
  1590. >No, she's wearing some sort of amalgamation of assorted oriental dresses.
  1591. >There's bits of a sari, a school girl's uniform, exactly one wooden sandal from a geisha outfit, and a katana across her back. A plethora of other designs you can't fathom are merged in an unthinkable crime against fashion.
  1592. >Rarity, God rest her tortured immortal soul, would turn in her grave if she could see this.
  1593. >Worst thing is, the katana is clearly plastic.
  1594. >She bows to you, sniffs once through her bright red, congested nose, and mumbles some more exotic phrases.
  1595. >"Mitsubishi Hong Kong."
  1596. "I... see."
  1597. >"Do you, um, want some pocky?"
  1598. >Dug grunts. You press yourself further against the cart, both to keep out of the arctic wind and away from the suspicious pack of alleged food she's drawn from the depths of her avant garde costume.
  1599. "You keep that where you are, missy. So what's this about? Some new idea as to what my kink is?"
  1600. >"I-It's..." she gets down on her belly and draws her hooves closer to her belly. Her entire body shakes uncontrollably. She sniffs again. "G-g-g... cold..."
  1601. "Should we give her some soup?"
  1602. >"We can, but she's paying for it."
  1603. "Hey Fluttershy, you want any soup?"
  1604. >"Think she's getting hyper thermal, boss," Dug nods.
  1605. "Hey don't go getting hyper thermal, Fluttershy, that's not good for you probably." You tilt your head to Dug, "What's hyper thermal mean?"
  1606. >Dug shrugs.
  1607. >Fluttershy doesn't answer.
  1608. >A polystyrene cup of tomato soup appears on the counter.
  1609. >"Best give it to her now before she uh, dies."
  1610. "Is it safe?"
  1611. >"What, you mean the pocky?"
  1612. "The everything. I don't wanna become a nerd, Dug."
  1613. >"It'll be fine, just keep telling yourself you want a job and the respect of your peers, that should keep it offa you. You're wearing gloves too so that should help."
  1614. >With chivalry in your heart and respect for women in your soul, you trudge over to Fluttershy's rapidly-freezing body and drag her back to the safety of the cart by her mane, her rigid form leaving a deep groove in the snow.
  1615. >You remind yourself that you're a productive member of society as you do; it makes you feel protected.
  1616. >Soup is applied and a spare kitchen towel that isn't completely soaked in grease and Dug's other assorted fluids is tossed onto Fluttershy's head.
  1617. >Draped in a smelly rag and clutching her cup, Fluttershy sits sipping her soup as you and Dug stare down at her.
  1618. "Better?"
  1619. >"Mhm..."
  1620. >"That'll be three bits," Dug grunts.
  1621. >Fluttershy nods.
  1622. >"Anon-senpai can pay for me. Now that he's saved my life he's responsible for me, k-kyah..."
  1623. "Maybe in Communist China, but not out here, lady."
  1624. >"...Do you think my sword is cool at least?"
  1625. >You glance at her sword. Her half-sword.
  1626. >Another quick look and you see the other half in the snow quickly disappearing under the falling flakes, the brittle plastic having snapped in two.
  1627. "Sure, it's great."
  1628. >"So are we married now?"
  1629. >Dug shakes his head.
  1630. >"Wheelie-boos, Anon. They're all whack," he whispers.
  1631. "Fluttershy-Chan, I... cannot look after you. My parents would never--" you stop.
  1632. >You run your tongue over your lips and shoot Dug a concerned look.
  1633. >Dug always looks unimpressed, but now he's wearing a deeper shade of unimpression. A refined unimpression.
  1634. >"You just gab about 'chans' or something, Anon-sama?"
  1635. "Wh-- Dug-sama, you too!"
  1636. >"By the nine-tailed fox's voluptuous tits, Anon, she got us."
  1637. "Uwah!"
  1638. >Dug 'tssks' and throws his suddenly thick, glorious and shiny spiked mane.
  1639. >"So pathetic," he mutters.
  1640. "God dammit, Flutterchan," you say pre-pubescently and with plenty of angst. You fold your arms and glare at Fluttershy and her suddenly inexplicably alluring outfit.
  1641. >"Anon! Y-you're staring at me when I'm half dressed!" she yelps. "D-do you... like me?"
  1642. >You make a strange, startled inward-gasping sound.
  1643.  
  1644. >It takes four weeks to recover from whatever Nipponese meme-virus Fluttershy gave you.
  1645. >God damned weeaboos.
  1646.  
  1647. ---
  1648.  
  1649. Anon posted an image of Fluttershy and Moon Dancer together under an umbrella.
  1650. I would later discover that Fluttershy and Moon Dancer (in Safe For Work stuff, those kooky weird sex pictures you like looking at don't count) is an almost non-existent pairing.
  1651.  
  1652. >There are days where it takes everything you have not to rush him on sight.
  1653. >Days where the sight of him - hairy pale legs on display, stained white t-shirt stretched across his chubby chest and jorts barely containing his generous cheeks - compel you to do things some might consider unkind.
  1654. >And today, at the height of summer and your heat, your personal Tartarus, is one such day.
  1655. >Here in this bush you're protected, not only from the judgemental gaze of the townsfolk, but from him.
  1656. >The thin barrier of dried and dying leaves wilting under the imperial sun wouldn't be able to stop you if you surrendered to the primeval voices screaming at you to continue the equine race.
  1657. >But each curled leaf prodding your fur reminds you to cling to the last vestiges of your self control.
  1658. >A shudder rocks you. You swallow a wad of spit and dread.
  1659. >Beyond the floral veil, Anon scratches his butt. Really digs his fingers in there. Grips a cheek and gives it a good scratch.
  1660. >He doesn't think anyone is watching, but you are. You can see everything.
  1661. >Oh Fluttershy, Celestia above, control yourself.
  1662. >You touch your chest and hold the hoof high in ancient prayer to your goddess for strength and guidance.
  1663. >She isn't listening. If she was you wouldn't be here.
  1664. >And in the void of the divine your soul is laid bare to the demons of temptation-- Wait.
  1665. >You look past Anon.
  1666. >You squint.
  1667. >You see another bush at the other end of the park, and a stupid raised manestyle done up in an even stupider hairband peeks out the top of it.
  1668. >Your eyes widen and your illusions of private peeping are shattered.
  1669. "Oh for fu--"
  1670.  
  1671. *
  1672.  
  1673. "--uck's sake," you hiss.
  1674. >You see her there, hidden in the dead bush at the other end of the park.
  1675. >It's barely concealing her stupid pink mane. You read in a reliable source once that she has mane extensions, which would explain why it's trailing out the bottom of the plant, and the written word has never led you astray before.
  1676. >Is she even aware how easy to spot she is? If she was smart she'd have picked a bush near the sprinklers like you did. One that wasn't literally dead.
  1677. >What kind of bush is that, anyway? Viburnum Plicatum? Hard to tell since it's browning all over; none of the white buds characteristic of the strain can be seen.
  1678. >You adjust your thrice-repaired glasses and strain your eyes.
  1679. >No, there's still one or two buds visible.
  1680. >You nod to yourself.
  1681. >Right again, Moon Dancer.
  1682. >Still, she's over there perving on your muse, again.
  1683. >You tear your scowl from the interloper and to the majestic hunk of human doing squats on the grass.
  1684. >Anon heaves, gasping like a dying elephant and rivulets of sweat cascading down his gelatinous form.
  1685. >Blessed Celestia the amount of stories you've written about that ass.
  1686. >You're on your seventh journal now. When you started it was just a paragraph of observations at a time, but now you're writing a thousand words a day just on the way his ass cheeks hang from his jorts and the ghost-white skin catches the sun in a way that's blinding if caught at the wrong angle.
  1687. >In your peripheral vision, the dead bush stirs.
  1688. >You reluctantly glance at it again.
  1689. >She's on the move. Looking for a better hiding spot no doubt.
  1690. >Perhaps the larger Winged Euonymous at the far end?
  1691. >Oh, you bitch, that was your next spot.
  1692. >Be damned if you'll let her get there first, that's where you were going to relocate when Anon commenced his lunges.
  1693. >It's got just enough leg-room for you to stretch out on your back and get started between your own legs.
  1694. >Not today, you animal-humping virgin.
  1695.  
  1696. *
  1697.  
  1698. >Not today, you book-humping virgin.
  1699. >Ever since she moved to town she's been trespassing on your hobby.
  1700. >Anon Watching was always your thing, it made you unique around here.
  1701. >Starlight had her kites, Twilight had her books, Rarity had her gloryholes in the bowling alley toilet stalls.
  1702. >And poor old Fluttershy had her darling and his ever-failing fitness routines in the park.
  1703. >He's been at it for seven months and hasn't lost a pound.
  1704. >Likely because all he ever does is a few stretches and twenty minutes of what he calls 'exercise' before bailing to the diner down the street and packing another two-thousand calories down his gullet.
  1705. >His relationship with commitments to healthy living is best described as 'needs work'.
  1706. >Just like you!
  1707. >He's a compulsive eater, you're a compulsive masturbator. Your bond was forged by the fates themselves.
  1708. >All you needed was a few more weeks, maybe months, then you'll have told him how you feel.
  1709. >That was before Ponyville's newest nerd rolled into the neighbourhood and decided she was too much of a plagiarising hack to come up with her own hobby, so she had to muscle in on yours.
  1710. >You knew what she'd do next. She'd move into the nice green bush overlooking the clearing, its leaves catching burnt red with the turn of the season. The one with all the leg-room for when you're feeling frisky, which granted was every time you did this.
  1711. >That was your bush, she has no right to it, so you're making the first move for once.
  1712. >Doesn't Ponyville have enough unhinged unicorn prodigies, anyway?
  1713. >The thought makes you pause and frown for a moment as you're wedged half-way between a tuft of tall grass and a forsythia.
  1714. >Come to think of it, there's an -alarming- correlation between unicorns and psychotic behaviour.
  1715. >Twilight and her experiments, Starlight's propensity for violence, Lyra's fixation with small animals.
  1716. >You're not racist, but unicorns scare you.
  1717. >You shake your head suddenly and see Moon Dancer rustling at speed through the shrubs towards your chosen bush.
  1718. >Like hell she's beating you there.
  1719.  
  1720. *
  1721.  
  1722. >You've never noticed it before, but pegasi are quite predisposed towards stubbornness.
  1723. >Spitfire, the captain of the Wonderbolts, is renowned for her bar brawls and refusal to back down.
  1724. >Rainbow Dash wouldn't concede a point if you beat her over the head with it.
  1725. >And Fluttershy is incapable of seeing that you're far better at Anonymous Observing than she is.
  1726. >How many books has she written on the subject? How many tens of thousands of words?
  1727. >Photographs? Research papers?
  1728. >You're working on a theory right now about how Anon's sweat is a powerful pheromone. You're eighty-thousand words in and frankly it's gone from scientific inquiry to pure smut in the last fifty-thousand, with characters and a plot and all the bells and whistles.
  1729. >But you're committed to it, so you'll see it through.
  1730. >And that's what Fluttershy lacks. Commitment. Apparently she's been doing this for far longer than you. But so too were the Cloudsdale engineers of old committed to outdated methods of architectural design before the newer city of Las Pegasus refined the old techniques and reinvented cloudscaping, outpacing centuries of established wisdom in a few decades.
  1731. >The old must make way for the new, 'twas ever thus.
  1732. >You break through the last bush with a final sparing glance at Anon.
  1733. >He's onto his on-the-spot running. He'll be at it for a minute. Maybe a minute and fifteen seconds if he's having a good day.
  1734. >Better get started, you've wasted enough time on musings as it is.
  1735. >You push through the barrier of burnt-red and green leaves to your familiar hollow.
  1736. >The ground even has a pony-shaped crater in the grass.
  1737. >As if it was grown for this very purpose.
  1738. >There's poetry in that somewhere. You'll have to think about it as you tend to yourself.
  1739. >Just as you settle down, spread your legs, and drag a hoof over your eager lips, you hear an angry rustle to your left.
  1740.  
  1741. *
  1742.  
  1743. >You shunt through the leaves and scramble onto the startled nerd with the stupid manestyle before she can cast one of her dumb spells or escape your wrath.
  1744. "Poser!"
  1745. >"Philistine!"
  1746. >You grab her and slam her head against the grass, or at least you attempt to.
  1747. >There's no room in here for a single fully grown mare, let alone two, so instead you grapple her head and flail madly.
  1748. >Strangled screams and pained yelps accompany the violently rustling bush.
  1749. >Inward-facing twigs scratch your bodies. Anything that can be grabbed and bitten, is, and anything that can be yanked or pulled is done with prejudice.
  1750. >"You don't appreciate him like I do!"
  1751. "I appreciated him before you even knew he existed!"
  1752. >"Irrelevant! My philosophies are superior to your inconsequent--"
  1753. "If I wanted to hear a lecture full of desperate coping I'd ask Twilight why she was still single!"
  1754. >"Hoof-dragging protopony!"
  1755. "Bone-headed dork!"
  1756. >The showdown to end all showdowns continues, and the gods will surely weep at the passion on display.
  1757.  
  1758. *
  1759.  
  1760. >You watch, your hands at your sides, chest still heaving, as the nice reddish-green shrub at the end of the park thrashes about and screams.
  1761. >You know there's some whack-ass magic around here, but this is surreal.
  1762. >Maybe the park doesn't like you coming here and doing your routines.
  1763. >Maybe you should stop exercising completely before you piss off some elder god or fey spirit.
  1764. >You nod resolutely.
  1765. >That's definitely a good idea and you aren't even going to consider a counterargument.
  1766. >You shrug as though there was really nothing more to be done about it all, pivot on your heel, and march off down the road towards the diner.
  1767. "Burgers today, I think."
  1768.  
  1769. ---
  1770.  
  1771. "There are plenty of other rapists in the sea."
  1772. - Anonymous
  1773.  
  1774. >The advert would be controversial on Earth, illegal even, but in Equestria this sort of thing is unsurprising.
  1775. >What is surprising is your finger tapping it in a weekly subscription, specifically the phone number listed beneath.
  1776. >The depths to which desperation drives men. Or perhaps boredom; to read one magazine is to read them all, and you're quite tired of public flash-mob musicals and nature walks.
  1777. >You need something harder. Something less family friendly. And here you find it squirrelled away at the back of 'Home & Family'.
  1778. >The irony isn't lost on you.
  1779. >'Hot Rapists In Your Area!'
  1780. >The moment you'd seen it you'd reached for the landline. It hadn't been given thought, it was an instinctual response like gasping for air after being suffocated.
  1781. >You need release, and by God you'll get it.
  1782. >There's small-print, but who in history ever read the small-print?
  1783. >All you have is a simple need, complications be damned.
  1784. >The phone rings tinny and crackling in your ear. You mutter and fidget with the cord.
  1785. >The voice that answers is low, husky, perhaps slightly forced in a way that implies it's not the proper voice of whomever's on the other side.
  1786. >"Hey, sugar, you're through to The Rape Line, how can we use you tonight?"
  1787. "I'd like to use your... service."
  1788. >A seductive laugh. A tinny, distant, put-on seductive laugh.
  1789. >"Came to the right place, sugar. Just keep it up and make sure you keep cumming in the right places. What sort of... service... are you looking for?"
  1790. "The, uh," a quick squint at the advert and its poorly-printed text. The one at the bottom in the outrageous typeset looks attractive. "Premium sex doll."
  1791. >"The sex doll? So you want a mare to throw you around and use you like an object that only exists to satisfy her? Is that what you want?"
  1792. "Y... yes?"
  1793. >A shivering gasp on the other end. You frown.
  1794. >"Where and when, sugar?"
  1795. "Ponyville. Tonight?"
  1796. >"Mm, too soon, sugar, we'd need to prepare..."
  1797. "Tomorrow, then?"
  1798. >"Better, and where might we find you in... Ponyville?"
  1799. >You give her your address, needing to repeat yourself a few times when the line goes especially crackly.
  1800. >"And you're -sure- you want this, sugar? Once it starts it isn't going to stop until we're -completely- satisfied..."
  1801. "Yeah, I'm sure."
  1802. >The voice on the other end flips like a switch. Gone is the husky seduction, now a tone still recognisably of the speaker, but frank and clear, chimes down the line.
  1803. >"By law, I'm required to advise that your verbal consent will be taken as written consent for these proceedings. Payment will be requested upon completion of the services, and our staff will provide an invoice with payment details and contact information for our accounts department if you wish to make an enquiry. As the customer you are still entitled to your rights and these rights are not affected by our terms and conditions. The contract will be considered valid once this call ends. Do you agree to these terms as specified in the advert?"
  1804. >You glance at the magazine on your lap.
  1805. >What you thought was a stylistic gradient shading towards the bottom is actually text in the lowest possible font size.
  1806. >You'd need a telescope to read it.
  1807. "Ye~es?" you drag out.
  1808. >"Just pushes my love-button to hear that, sugar," the husky voice returns. "Is there anything else we can do to you?"
  1809. "Yeah, when will it start?"
  1810. >"That's the fun part, sugar. You won't know when it'll come. One of our mares will find you when you least expect it..."
  1811. >You smile. Uncertainty, excitement; this is precisely what you were looking for.
  1812. "Okay. Okay, great. Well, thanks."
  1813. >"Mm, no problem, sugar."
  1814. >The line drops before you can ask her name.
  1815.  
  1816. *
  1817.  
  1818. >The morning is spent looking over your shoulder.
  1819. >On your routine walk through the fields surrounding Ponyville each rustling bush draws a flinch, then a tingling of gleeful anticipation.
  1820. >In the marketplace you pay for your groceries and hold the shopkeeper's eye longer than you ought to have done. She smiles politely, but there's nothing ulterior there.
  1821. >Each mare in town potters about paying you no mind. You see one look away in time, and when she looks again she waves at you.
  1822. >You go to wave in turn, but a stallion trots past you and waves to her instead. The two meet and walk off chatting happily.
  1823. >The sun arcs across the sky and your nerves won't settle.
  1824. >You haven't paid them a penny and you're already feeling the adrenaline.
  1825.  
  1826. *
  1827.  
  1828. >The knock comes at night.
  1829. >You practically drop your magazine - what it was is irrelevant, you have so many of them they're interchangeable - and scramble for the door.
  1830. >A quick few breaths in and out, then a check in the mirror to fix your tie. With zeal you throw open the door.
  1831. >Fluttershy stares up at you.
  1832. >You're not acquainted, she's just the sort of pony everyone knows of around here. In any case, you deflate. False alarm.
  1833. >She, however, looks terrified.
  1834. >Eyes bulging, chest still - she's not breathing.
  1835. >She glances down at the stapled sheets of paper in her hoof and flips the top sheet over.
  1836. >"Oh. Oh dear. I think I might have the wrong address again."
  1837. "Fluttershy, isn't it? Can I help you?"
  1838. >"Y-you, um. Are you Anonymous? You are, of course you are, oh gosh, that's um, okay. O~kay."
  1839. "What is--"
  1840. >"C-could you just confirm your address, please?"
  1841. >You do, she checks her notes again, and sways as if about to faint.
  1842. >She steadies and hums anxiously, scrutinising her notes, then you, then back again.
  1843. >She makes several false starts and gives up.
  1844. "What?"
  1845. >"Did... did you happen to maybe accidentally call a certain hotline recently and accidentally place an... order?"
  1846. >Your eyes widen.
  1847. >Fluttershy? Demure Fluttershy? Element of Harmony Fluttershy?
  1848. "There must be some mistake--"
  1849. >"Yes! Yes I totally agree, this is, um, must be a..."
  1850. >She checks her notes again, glances at the house number fixed to the side of your house, back to her details, then you again.
  1851. >She swallows heavily and tries to smile.
  1852. >"N-no. It's not. I'm uhh," she runs a hoof through her hair, her brow shines in your hallway light. "I'm here with the, you know."
  1853. >She looks over her shoulder, shuffles closer, and whispers behind a hoof.
  1854. >"The r-rape line."
  1855. >You lean against the doorframe not so much to look casual, but so you don't collapse. There's the urge to laugh, but it's mixed with sheer bafflement. You'd have sooner expected a filly scout. A geriatric. A griffon. But -Fluttershy-?
  1856. "-You-? Aren't you a vet?"
  1857. >"Vet work doesn't really pay, so..." a shrug as though she's apologising for not being able to make ends meet.
  1858. "Well then. I guess this is it."
  1859. >You wanted a surprise. You can't say you've not been given what you wanted.
  1860. >Fluttershy paws at the dirt and meets your eye from behind her mane.
  1861. >"May I please maybe use your phone for a bit?"
  1862.  
  1863. *
  1864.  
  1865. >You sit on your sofa with your elbows on your knees, fingers locked.
  1866. >Fluttershy is behind the wall in the hallway, blurting her sentences in hushed tones.
  1867. >It's an empty hall with no carpet. Sound echoes. You hear everything.
  1868. >"Coco? Coco it's me. Fluttersh-- Y-yes I'm at the house. No, it's not. He's -huge-! No, not like that, I mean actually huge! H-how am I supposed to overpower him? I don't think so. No, he's twice my height, I-I don't think I can-- no, no, I understand that. No, it's just that I was hoping that for my second-- yes, but this is only my second time, I was hoping for something... easier? I don't want to--"
  1869. >She's quiet for a while. You retrieve Home & Family and squint at the rape advert in an attempt to decipher the smudged legalese at the bottom.
  1870. >"Would you? I'd really appreciate that, Coco. Th-thank you. I'm sorry-- I-I know, but I'm sorry I did it again... yes... Do you -really- have to tell Marble? And will she tell... Alright... Yes. Yes, I'll wait, thank you. Thank you. Okay, bye bye, see you later."
  1871. >There's a click, and she trots back into the lounge.
  1872. >"Okay, um, just had to make a quick call to uh, sort something out."
  1873. >She sits on the sofa opposite and smiles at you. Smiles -up- at you.
  1874. >She fiddles with her mane.
  1875. >"Do you... come here often?"
  1876.  
  1877. *
  1878.  
  1879. >Half an hour of awkward small-talk later and there's another knock at the door.
  1880. >Fluttershy leaps off before you can move and canters into the hall.
  1881. >You hear her fumble with the handle.
  1882. >"You're here!" she cries. "Oh thank you so much, I-I didn't know what to do and it's only my second night so--"
  1883. >She backs into the room and another pony appears.
  1884. >The new pony, another pegasus but one you don't recognise, takes one look at you and balks.
  1885. >"Celestia's dripping teats," she says bluntly.
  1886. >You give a strained smile and a lame wave.
  1887. >The newcomer swallows much like Fluttershy had before and glances at her colleague.
  1888. >Fluttershy's eyes dart between you and the newcomer.
  1889. >The newcomer clears her throat and pulls Fluttershy aside.
  1890. >"So what do you think?" Fluttershy whispers harshly.
  1891. >"Yeah, we're gonna need more mares," she whispers back.
  1892. >"You really think so?"
  1893. >"Been doing this for three years. No way we can pull a job like this with just two of us, and he ordered the premium sex doll too, Tirek's dick."
  1894. >"I-I didn't want to try alone--"
  1895. >"Shy, it's fine, really, you were right to call Coco. I'd have done the same."
  1896. >"Thanks, Blossomforth."
  1897. >"It's fine, call Coco again."
  1898. >Fluttershy retreats to the hallway and Blossomforth turns back to you with a grin; the professional emerges.
  1899. >"So, think you're a funny guy, don't you?"
  1900. "I'm sorry?"
  1901. >She perches on your sofa, lying to the side on one leg and tilting so her bottom and cutie mark are on display.
  1902. >"Big guy like you orders the most violent package we have. Thinking of making a game of it, right?"
  1903. "I didn't really know what I was in for. I'm just looking for a good time."
  1904. >"I bet you are," she looks you up and down and winks. "We're gonna have some fun with you."
  1905. "More of you?"
  1906. >"You bet."
  1907. "Can I ask why?"
  1908. >"I think you know, but I'll spell it out for you. Big customers need big efforts. Think you can take on four of us at once?"
  1909. "I'll, uh, do what I can?"
  1910. >"You won't be talking tough when we bring a unicorn in," she blinks, clears her throat, and speaks more loudly. "When we bring a -unicorn- in here!"
  1911. >You hear a pause in the hasty mutterings in the hall, then it quickens again. You catch the word "unicorn".
  1912. >"Oh yeah," Blossomforth appraises you, a wolf sizing up a lamb. "We're gonna make sure you get your money's worth."
  1913. "And when's that going to happen?"
  1914. >"When the... time's right."
  1915. >You arch an eyebrow and she tilts her head.
  1916. >"Bit weak, that one."
  1917. "Just a bit."
  1918. >"Just give it maybe thirty more minutes, we'll sort this out for you."
  1919. "Thanks, I think."
  1920. >You jerk your head at the wall, behind which Fluttershy is chattering on the phone.
  1921. "Second night?"
  1922. >"She's..." Blossomforth looks to the hall and gives an affectionate smile. "She's doing her best. Not the sort of pony we'd normally hire."
  1923. "It's good of you to give her a chance like that."
  1924. >Blossomforth grins again.
  1925. >"Don't go being sweet or I might start pulling my punches."
  1926. "If it's going to be thirty minutes, would you like some tea?"
  1927. >She shakes her head, still smiling.
  1928. >"We'll be talking about this job for months. Yeah, I'll take tea. Two sugars, Shy'll have it with one."
  1929.  
  1930. *
  1931.  
  1932. >You're sat around chatting about cooking classes and other things you could be doing to take an edge off your boredom when the door is knocked for the third and hopefully final time.
  1933. >Fluttershy sets her teacup down and trots to the door.
  1934. >She seems calmer now. It's nice to see her relaxed.
  1935. >Blossom gives you a look and bounces her eyebrows.
  1936. >"Prepare for the mauling of a lifetime, big guy."
  1937. "I expect you to do your worst, Blossom."
  1938. >A pony on muted earthen tones follows Fluttershy into the lounge and nods once at you, unlike the others, she's unfazed.
  1939. >"I see," she says flatly after a quick assessment of you, then nothing more.
  1940. >The next enters with a bit more spectacle.
  1941. >A puff of smoke and a loud, proud voice boom about the house.
  1942. >"Tremble, pathetic stallion, for you are about to be molested and abused by the Great and Powerful--"
  1943. >A unicorn mare appears amidst the smoke.
  1944. >"Trixi-- Celestia's dripping shaft he's -massive-."
  1945. >Trixie blinks several times, seemingly at a loss, and her companion steps forward.
  1946. >When she speaks, all the energy is sucked out of the room, but despite this she commands the wholesale attention of the others.
  1947. >Clearly she's crisis management. You know the type, though they don't tend to be so monotone.
  1948. >"Trixie, you'll bind his arms and legs with magic. I'll take first shift with Fluttershy, Blossomforth you're on second also with Fluttershy. We'll alternate for an hour then take a quick rest, Trixie, you're on the crescendo and you can do that with Fluttershy so she knows what to expect."
  1949. >She turns to Fluttershy.
  1950. >"I'm sorry to put you on triple-duty, but you'll need to learn a lot tonight about group work. It's for your training. We should be able to wrap this up in two hours. Blossomforth, watch your shoulder."
  1951. >"It's fine--" Blossomforth starts, but the mare continues.
  1952. >"Trixie, you can be liberal with magic, I think this one can take it, just watch the china in the cabinet. Fluttershy, do as I instruct and don't panic, we've got everything under control. All clear?"
  1953. >"Yes, Maud," the other three say in unison.
  1954. >Maud turns to you and twists her neck.
  1955. >A single, deep crack reverberates through the house, a strike of thunder to mark the coming storm.
  1956. >She locks eyes with you. You can't look away. This one knows exactly what she's doing.
  1957. >"I'm gonna rock your world before I break it."
  1958. >It was a statement, not a threat.
  1959.  
  1960. *
  1961.  
  1962. >When you wake up, you regret it.
  1963. >There isn't a single part of you that doesn't hurt.
  1964. >Every muscle you have, everything capable of being stretched, from your face to your core to your toes, aches.
  1965. >You try to raise your arm, but it won't respond.
  1966. >The images of the evening, the two hours that felt like two minutes, colour everything you look at.
  1967. >A figures stirs to your right.
  1968. >Maud is lying in bed with you, propped up against the headboard reading your copy of Home & Family as though there's nothing amiss.
  1969. >She looks to you and blinks slowly.
  1970. >Everything she does is slow unless she's 'on the job'.
  1971. >"Good morning. I hope you enjoyed your time with Rape Line. We apologise for the delays and inconvenience at the beginning, there hadn't been sufficient preparations or vetting done to ensure enough mares were sent to provide the premium sex doll package. We hope we made up for it in due course."
  1972. >A thin whine escapes you, but no words. Your jaw aches like someone's crushing it against concrete beneath their boot.
  1973. >"Please find enclosed your invoice and a coupon for ten percent off your next service with us." She whips a closed envelope out of nowhere and places it on the covers atop your chest. "We hope you choose us again."
  1974. >She finishes by pushing her lips to yours and exploring your mouth with her tongue for a half-minute. Even your tongue hurts.
  1975. >She pulls back, licks her lips without the barest hint of a smile, and slips out of bed. You hear her hoofsteps down the stairs and through your front door, which closes with a soft click. Silence.
  1976. >You lie there for the next half-hour, waiting for your body to start responding to your commands as your mind struggles to cope with the rapacious maelstrom it was subjected to.
  1977. >Eventually you open the envelope and find the final total to be agreeable.
  1978. >You rest your eyes on the coupon for a good minute, then nod to yourself.
  1979. >You got your money's worth, at least.
  1980.  
  1981. ---
  1982.  
  1983. The trouble with clones.
  1984.  
  1985. >Rare is the morning without a scheduled visit from Fluttershy.
  1986. >Always one to keep you wondering what she'll do next, today she stands accompanied by a doppelgänger.
  1987. >Her exact double blinks dumbly at you as if not comprehending your concept. Perhaps you're too tall for her. Too clothed, maybe.
  1988. >Fluttershy presents her double with a practised flourish, this is not the first time such a presentation has been made and she has become accomplished at introductions. How far she's come in such a few short months.
  1989. >Though her manner today is somewhat confused, unsure.
  1990. >"Today it's... me. Am I your fetish?"
  1991. >She purses her lips, possibly coming to the same conclusion as you that this whole exercise might have been redundant.
  1992. >Her doppelgänger takes this as an opportunity to speak, and you wish she hadn't.
  1993. >"G-g-good morning, A-anon!" she stammers. "D-do you w-want to... to..." she squeaks, rather than finish her sentence, and cowers behind her mane trembling as though expecting a strike.
  1994. >You blink at her and then turn to her original.
  1995. "What even," you say evenly and whattishly.
  1996. >Fluttershy shrugs loosely.
  1997. >"I'm spit-balling at the moment, seeing what works."
  1998. >You both look back to the doppelgänger.
  1999. >The doppelgänger recovers her wits after several deep intakes of breath.
  2000. >"A-a-a-a-anon," that was four false starts. It would be impressive if it weren't so tedious. "D-do you want to g-g-go t-to the b-bedroom? I-if you want, if you don't mind, if you wouldn't mind, I mean, I-I don't want to... to..."
  2001. >Competent speech degenerates into mewling, like an agitated kitten.
  2002. >Fluttershy frowns.
  2003. >"I don't really speak like that... do I?"
  2004. >You waver a hand laterally and dither.
  2005. >"-Really-, though? As bad as that?"
  2006. "You have good days and bad days. Were more like this at the start though not nearly so linguistically debilitated."
  2007. >You each watch the doppelgänger, who is cowering behind her mane again and appears to her wetted herself. Your porch smells of hot urine.
  2008. >Your nose wrinkles and Fluttershy steps away in mute, disgusted shock.
  2009. >"Should I get rid of her? I think this one's been a dud."
  2010. "How does one 'get rid' of a duplicate?"
  2011. >"Mirror pool."
  2012. >You grunt.
  2013. >"Pinkie said not to, but..." she shrugs. "I have to try everything."
  2014. "You don't have to try anything. We've established that our chemistry is flatter than decade-old soda."
  2015. >"But even flat soda is sweet and tasty."
  2016. "With none of the fizz that makes it interesting. If I wanted to drink something sweet I'd swallow sugar and water."
  2017. >Fluttershy rubs her chin and you admit the metaphor got lost.
  2018. >"Got any feedback, though?"
  2019. >You regard the trembling, mumbling, dampened copy of your neighbourly molester for a moment.
  2020. "She makes you look good by comparison," you admit at last.
  2021. >"Good enough to take to bed and, you know, start a family with?"
  2022. >She studies your unimpressed glare the same way she'd study a rabbit's health, then nods as if coming to a conclusion.
  2023. >"Okay. I'll chalk this one up as a failure."
  2024. >The doppelgänger squeaks and breathlessly tries to speak, but wets herself further and hyperventilates instead. The smell intensifies.
  2025. "Can't be much else you can try after this. I thought we'd peaked at voyeurism."
  2026. >"I liked that one."
  2027. "Anything that makes me cum in you in public is a win in your book."
  2028. >"I won't say no there."
  2029. "Was it worth the fine?"
  2030. >"Every bit."
  2031. "The community service?"
  2032. >"Every hour."
  2033. "The tarnished reputation?"
  2034. >"Never had one to begin with."
  2035. >You grunt again and look to the doppelgänger.
  2036. >She's recovered enough to peer at your shoes through her mane, and with a voice a single decibel above a whisper says,
  2037. >"I-I-I would v-very much l-like to k-kiss you..."
  2038. >She moans fearfully and collapses to the ground and self-made puddle beneath her, newly-wet hooves covering her eyes and ears flattened against her head.
  2039. "Good God almighty," you mutter.
  2040. >Fluttershy can only wince. She scratches her head and looks about, then picks up the doppelgänger's tail in her mouth and begins dragging her down the path.
  2041. >You watch her go then note your sodden porch step.
  2042. >With resignation you go to retrieve your cleaning supplies, the mop just as much a veteran of Fluttershy's often revolting escapades as you are.
  2043. >Tomorrow will bring more horror, but that's a tale for another time.
  2044.  
  2045. ---
  2046.  
  2047. Anonymous posted a picture of Fluttershy looking absolutely precious and cute and oh my god she's a delicate flower who needs protecting at all costs.
  2048.  
  2049. >She hasn't knocked on your door yet, but she will.
  2050. >You look down at her unseen from your second story window.
  2051. >She's rooting around in her wicker basket, its contents veiled beneath a tartan kerchief.
  2052. >Seemingly satisfied, she pulls her hoof out and checks her mane. She's smiling. She's always smiling.
  2053. >She knocks on your door.
  2054.  
  2055. *
  2056.  
  2057. >"Good morning!" she chirps.
  2058. "Good morning, Fluttershy," you say patiently.
  2059. >Your routine has been amended of late. Now you made time to reflect on the words of Marcus Aurelius.
  2060. >'I shall meet with the busybody', he said. You preferred 'pest'.
  2061. >It helped ground you. Prepare you for the day ahead. It made only a small difference, but a difference still.
  2062. >"Would you like to go on a picnic today?"
  2063. "No thank you, I have other plans."
  2064. >"Oh... maybe I could tag along?"
  2065. "I would prefer my own company."
  2066. >Most would be put off by now. You made a point to be cold, rude even, but not vulgar.
  2067. >Something about her didn't invite vulgarity. She was an annoyance. Something to be waved away.
  2068. >Yet despite her persistence she always had that sense of innocence to her. You would encourage her to leave the same way you would encourage a wayward butterfly intent on settling upon your nose.
  2069. >Dissuade, but never harm.
  2070. >You hate the idea of seeing her harmed.
  2071. >"In that case, I'll see you later. Here, I made you lunch," she pushes the wicker basket to you. "It's got your favourite, raspberry jam!"
  2072. >Your clench your teeth and nod.
  2073. "Thank you," you say with restraint.
  2074. >She made it difficult, but you need to be consistent. If you give her mixed signals she'll only be encouraged.
  2075. "But I'll have to decline," you nudge the basket away with a foot.
  2076. >Her implacable smile doesn't shift, she still watches you with those adoring eyes. The eyes of a young girl with her first crush. Of someone who has never known love before and finds themselves in love with both their beloved and the idea of love. Simplistic, childish love.
  2077. >"Okay! I'll do better next time," she takes her basket and flies away without another word.
  2078. >If only she'd grow up.
  2079.  
  2080. *
  2081.  
  2082. >"Hello Anon, are you enjoying your book? Do you mind if I join you?"
  2083. >Ambushed again, this time by the stream.
  2084. >Were it not for your daily meditations reinforcing the inevitability of your encounters with her, you might be shocked.
  2085. >Instead, you lower your book and watch across the mellow water at a red butterfly meandering its way to places unknown.
  2086. >Dissuade, never harm.
  2087. "I'd prefer to be alone, if that's alright, Fluttershy."
  2088. >"I've been thinking about that, actually."
  2089. >She settles down beside you, her body resting against your crossed leg.
  2090. >Her touch enrages you, but you don't show it.
  2091. >You focus on the stream, on the current running over a polished granite stone resting in the bed.
  2092. >The stone is unmoved in the face of the ever-present forces acting against it.
  2093. >If it can survive, so can you.
  2094. >"I'd like to be your friend."
  2095. >She speaks earnestly, and you don't doubt a word.
  2096. >"I think you might be lonely being the only human in Ponyville. Surely you have some room in your -busy- life for me?"
  2097. >She grins up at you and her eyes gleam in the afternoon sun, that tender expression radiating such joy and hope that you have to look away.
  2098. >"And I hope that, if you'll be my friend, maybe we could be more than that, someday."
  2099. >She holds for a moment, then lets out a breath and laughs giddily.
  2100. >"I can't believe I said it! I've been wanting to say that for weeks! I, I hope you'll forgive me, it's just that I've never actually felt this way about anyone before. So... what do you say? Do you want to be friends?"
  2101. >You snap shut the book and rise, she watches you, smiling still.
  2102. "No thank you, Fluttershy."
  2103. >Without another word, you leave.
  2104. >You don't look back. If you did it might give mixed signals.
  2105. >The short distance between you isn't enough to dilute the happy sigh that reaches after you.
  2106. >From that sound alone you can imagine the love-drunk look on her face.
  2107.  
  2108. *
  2109.  
  2110. >"Good evening!"
  2111. >You push your fingers against your eyes and rub.
  2112. >Your hand is still holding the knife and for the briefest of moments you imagine...
  2113. >You imagine a butterfly. And you could never hurt something so delicate.
  2114. >Fluttershy has climbed onto the seat opposite you, and the outdoor cafe around you hums with the background white noise of conversation.
  2115. >Waiters dart between tables like dolphins chasing fish, snapping up empty plates and tips with hardly a second glance before dashing back to the kitchens or to the next impatient customer.
  2116. >You look up from your half-eaten salad and hummus. You place the hummus-smeared knife to your tongue and drag.
  2117. >Fluttershy grins over the single lit candle at you, then she checks over her shoulder for waiters before leaning forward conspiratorially.
  2118. >"I told the matradee that you were waiting for me! I hope you don't mind, you just looked lonely when I was walking past just now. So, what are you eating? Is it any good?"
  2119. "Fluttershy, please leave me alone." Your grip tightens on the table knife. "Please," you stress.
  2120. >She shakes her head.
  2121. >"I've been thinking about you more and more, and I've decided to be... proactive! Rainbow Dash told me to be firm, so that's what I'm being. I think you need a friend, and-- and I can be that friend. I'd -like- to be that friend. I -want- to be. It could be fun! I'm not sure if you're much into the same things I am, but we could do lots of things together that neither of us are much into, just to see if we like them, I mean. We might find a shared interest!"
  2122. "I don't want to be your friend, I want to be left alone," you keep your voice low and steady.
  2123. >"But why? Don't you want friends?"
  2124. "I have friends, I just don't want to be -your- friend. I thought I made that clear."
  2125. >Another shake.
  2126. >"You just seem grumpy. I work with a lot of grumpy animals and you, mister," she wags a hoof in tender admonishment. "I know that humans are social creatures just like ponies, so you'll perk right up if we spend some time together! We could fly kites? I don't know if you're into that? I'm not, but we could try it--"
  2127. "I don't know how much clearer I can be. You've been hounding me since the first day you saw me. I was nice about it to begin with, but I'm running out patience. Leave me. Alone."
  2128. >Your knuckles are white around the knife.
  2129. >For the first time her smile fades in place of a scowl.
  2130. >"And I've been nice too. And I'll continue to be nice, because I like you. I want to be your friend, and no amount of pouting or glaring is going to stop that. I want to spend time with you, and I want to get to know you."
  2131. >Her smile returns, that special smile that speaks of unfettered adoration.
  2132. >Some inner wellspring of hope or gusto replenishes her, and she collars a darting waiter to order what you're having.
  2133. >You remain frozen in your seat, aghast at her boldness.
  2134. >Drawing upon your own reserves, you settle your knife and stab at a leaf with your fork.
  2135. >She can eat with you, but you'll not make conversation.
  2136. >Unfortunately, as with everything you do, she finds this delightful, and spends the rest of the meal talking to herself with you trying to lose yourself in the background conversations.
  2137.  
  2138. *
  2139.  
  2140. >"I had a wonderful meal yesterday. Did you like it? I thought the hummus was great! I prefer mine with more mushrooms, but it was still nice."
  2141. >She's inside your home, your sanctuary.
  2142. >You ducked back inside to shut the door but she took it as an invitation, and in the second or two between you stepping back and gripping the handle she leapt past your legs.
  2143. >Instinctively your hands had reached out to grip her, but visions of butterflies and steams and knives stopped you.
  2144. >Now she's perched on your sofa with you, draped on your lap.
  2145. >You stare rigidly at the lounge window, at the outside world and all its gentle rural novelties, and you wonder how to get rid of her.
  2146. >"There's a fair coming to town in a few months, have you heard of it? We could go there and get cotton candy! I know there's a stall that sometimes comes around here that sells it too, and Pinkie makes nice cotton candy, but I always thought it tastes better at carnivals, I think it's the occasion that makes it taste better. What do you think?"
  2147. >You draw on your reserves of patience, that have sustained you all this time.
  2148. >And to your horror you find them empty.
  2149. >You swallow the lump in your throat and your hands tremble.
  2150. >Fluttershy carries on, speaking in soft tones about everything and nothing, weaving some tapestry of your life together. Planning out the weeks and months without your consent.
  2151. >Nothing you do stops her. Nothing you say deters.
  2152. >You are a rock, but she is no mere stream. She is a torrent of sand and salt water, eroding your time and will with her presence and insistence that you be closer.
  2153. >But you don't want to be.
  2154. >Nor do you want to remove her to make that clear.
  2155. >She enrages you, but each glance at her only reinforces her innocence. Her true naivete that you can be friends, or 'closer' as she puts it.
  2156. >You raise a hand over her head and imagine yourself gripping her mane.
  2157. >You imagine her shocked expression, her scrambling to free herself.
  2158. >You imagine her pained cries, her tears, her look of betrayal.
  2159. >Your hand wavers.
  2160. >You imagine your life, dominated by her. Dominated by her kindness and inability to comprehend your contempt.
  2161. >You bring your hand down upon her, and for the first time make rude contact with her.
  2162. >She yelps in surprise.
  2163. >Your heart stops.
  2164.  
  2165. *
  2166.  
  2167. >You drag your hand back across her mane slowly, each strand of glossy hair running across your calloused skin like silk across leather.
  2168. >She hums and looks up at you, her eyes shimmering even in the sparse light coming through the window.
  2169. >You don't look at her, you remain glaring at the outside world as you make your reluctant repetitions over her head, neck, and winged back.
  2170. >In your mind, a boulder is reduced to fragmented stones, then grit, then nothing.
  2171. >Marcus Aurelius shakes his venerable head.
  2172. "Fine," you say at last, "you win."
  2173.  
  2174. ---
  2175.  
  2176. "Fluttershy, trying to figure out how to mime, "Are mimes your fetish?"
  2177. - Anonymous, with a picture of Are Flutts in a fetching mime ensemble.
  2178.  
  2179. >Today's costume is masterfully-applied pastel face paint in a flowing eastern style that elevates her contours. A form-fitted pink and teal bodice that leaves her haunches uncovered. A broad teal bow tie, button-up boots, and her mane drawn back into twin buns.
  2180. >You keep your face blank for your own protection.
  2181. >You'd never say this to her under any circumstances, but Fluttershy looks better in dress than any other mare in Equestria.
  2182. >You've seen Princess Celestia arranged in her full gala ensemble and it didn't look half as good as Fluttershy does when she deigns to put the slightest effort into making herself look anywhere near publicly decent.
  2183. >She has grace like a woodland nymph. The fey beauty of a moonlit priestess. The most elegant courtesans of Babylon couldn't match in a day what this four-foot technicoloured talking horse can rock if she spends more than ten minutes brushing her knotted animal-reeking hair in a morning.
  2184. >But of course, you'd never say that to her under any circumstances.
  2185. >If you had, she wouldn't be on your doorstep, and you'd already be an unwilling father of eight. Possibly nine.
  2186. >In your experience, the longer you stare at her, the larger the expected number of children you'll fuck into her grows.
  2187. >As such, you try not to stare too hard.
  2188. >Fluttershy waves at you as if seeing you from a distance and you wave back uncertainly.
  2189. >She stretches a hoof out to one side then swipes it before her. She bows, makes a show of tapping her chin, then points and you and puts on a broad smile.
  2190. >You squint at her charades, expression twisted in thought.
  2191. "Uhh, you need to shave?"
  2192. >Fluttershy cocks her head with a frown, then does a light tap-dance. With a clip and a clop she puts on a half minute flourish of movements you weren't aware she was capable of, partly because she's a horse and shouldn't be able to bend like that, partly because this is a mare who spends most of her time pining after your genitals and presumably doesn't have the spare time necessary to learn tap-dancing.
  2193. >Even so, she dances away and ends with a celebratory pose.
  2194. >You pick at your lower lip, elbow resting on your folded arm.
  2195. >You snap your fingers.
  2196. "You're John Wilkes Booth on his way to cap Lincoln."
  2197. >Fluttershy deflates.
  2198. >She jabs a hoof at her own chest, jabs the same hoof at her shapely flank - which is accentuated by her dress in a way that makes your internal counter rise to ten - and jabs the hoof at last to you.
  2199. >You stare at her, face shifting as it dawns on you.
  2200. >Her own expression becomes hopeful, eyes widening, a slow nod.
  2201. "Jesus Christ, terrorists are about to bomb the town hall?!"
  2202. >Fluttershy slaps and drags a hoof down her frustrated face.
  2203. "We have to tell the Guard! This is serious!"
  2204. >Before she can mime any further you've vaulted over her and are sprinting down the garden path.
  2205. >She watches you go, blinking.
  2206. >She looks back at your house and its inviting, wide open door.
  2207. >Secrets and forbidden baubles - mostly used underwear - beckon to her.
  2208. >She resists, amazingly, and trails you instead.
  2209.  
  2210. *
  2211.  
  2212. >"And where are these terrorists going to hit?" the guard with the five o'clock shadow barks.
  2213. >You never knew before, but horses can have beards. Quite magnificent beards, too, for that matter.
  2214. "They'll be at the town hall, I have it on good authority."
  2215. >"How good?"
  2216. "Element of Harmony good."
  2217. >He shakes his head.
  2218. >"To think... and on a Sunday!"
  2219. "We should-- oh, here she is now. Officer, this is Fluttershy, our source."
  2220. >Fluttershy, now having caught up, gasps for breath - silently - and rests heaving against you.
  2221. >The guard nods.
  2222. >"I see you're undercover, Miss Fluttershy. Very clever. What have you learned?"
  2223. >Fluttershy looks between you and the guard, bewildered.
  2224. "Tell him what you told me, Shy."
  2225. >She points at herself with wide eyes.
  2226. >"Yes, everything, miss. We'll need to know what you do to stop these terrorists."
  2227. >She shakes her head frantically and motions with a hoof as if to reassure him.
  2228. >"There... -aren't- terrorists?"
  2229. >She nods.
  2230. >"There -are-?"
  2231. >She shakes her head.
  2232. "Christ, Shy, stop talking in riddles, are there terrorists or..."
  2233. >You trail off and catch the guard's eye.
  2234. >He nods slowly, clearly on your wavelength.
  2235. >"It's not just terrorists," he says, "they have help on the inside. Fluttershy, you'll get a medal for this."
  2236. >Fluttershy looks panicked and attempts to block you from striding past her.
  2237. >She fails and is shunted aside. You march down the road with the guard.
  2238. "What are you thinking?"
  2239. >"This needs to go higher," he intones.
  2240. >Fluttershy chews the end of her hoof and sweats.
  2241.  
  2242. *
  2243.  
  2244. >"Thank you for seeing us on short notice, Miss Mayor."
  2245. >"No, please, Silvershod, if there's a threat we'll need to take this seriously. What can you tell me?"
  2246. >You're all in the Mayor's office.
  2247. >You and Silvershod of the Royal Guard stand on one end of the wide oak desk, Silvershod holding his helmet under one leg.
  2248. >The Mayor sits on the other, leant forward with tented hooves and a grim expression.
  2249. >Silvershod continues.
  2250. >"About a quarter hour ago we received credible intelligence of a terrorist plot targeting the town hall. What's worse is that we suspect they'll have inside help."
  2251. >Fluttershy stands to the side of the desk, waving her hoof to try and get everyone's attention.
  2252. >She doesn't say a word, however, so no one looks her way.
  2253. >"Inside help, you say?" the Mayor nods. "I -have- seen some strange behaviour of late."
  2254. "Where?"
  2255. >"The mail room. We hired two new staff and one of them just... doesn't sit well with me. It's in the way he acts, always looking over his shoulder, moves around quietly, that sort of thing."
  2256. >You and Silvershod share a look.
  2257. "That might be our guy."
  2258. >"It's worth a look," he agrees. "Let's move."
  2259. >Fluttershy follows you from the room with increasing agitation. Her make-up is starting to run from her sweating.
  2260.  
  2261. *
  2262.  
  2263. >The two mailroom workers have their backs to you as they work.
  2264. >The leftmost sorts the paper mail. He is dressed in a shirt and tie with slicked back greased hair.
  2265. >The rightmost sorts the larger parcels and is bedecked in ceremonial robes as black as treacle. When he turns to ask his colleague for a box cutter you see his face is as pale as bleached bone and a snake's tongue lashes out of his mouth over lips the colour of gore.
  2266. >The Mayor calls him over.
  2267. >He shuffles to your group by the door and mutters a strange demonic reverie before he arrives.
  2268. >"Good morning, Sunny Gumdrops," says the Mayor.
  2269. >"Morning, boss," says Sunny Gumdrops.
  2270. >"Sunny, have you noticed anything particularly off about Storm Cloud this week?" she nods at the other worker, still with his back turned to you all.
  2271. >Sunny scratches his armpit beneath his robs and scrunches his pale face.
  2272. >"Nothing super unusual, though he has joined an out-of-work group of late that he won't shut up about."
  2273. "What sort of group?"
  2274. >"Some sort of outdoor pursuits, lots of teambuilding and planning. Emphasis on chemistry, apparently."
  2275. >Silvershod's eyes narrow.
  2276. >"He tell you about any of these plans?" he asks.
  2277. >Sunny reaches into his robes and withdraws a pamphlet.
  2278. >"I'll do you one better, he invited me to their next thing. I'm not going to go, I've got, uhh. You know. My own thing going on." He clears his throat and squints at you all suspiciously.
  2279. >The pamphlet is clear.
  2280. >' Radical Anarchist Chemical Explosive Recreational Society '
  2281. "Dear God."
  2282. >"And their next meet is this afternoon!" the Mayor exclaims, reading over Silvershod's shoulder. She shoots a look at Sunny. "Sunny, don't let him suspect a thing, he can't know we have this."
  2283. >Fluttershy tugs on your pant leg.
  2284. >You'd completely forgotten she was there.
  2285. >You look down and she gives you a weak smile, then a resigned shrug.
  2286. "What's up, Fluttershy?"
  2287. >You kneel to face her as Silvershod and the Mayor discuss your next move in hastened whispers.
  2288. >Fluttershy's face is close to yours, she glances at your lips and darts her tongue across her own.
  2289. >She makes a cryptic gesture and lashes her tail, then bats her eyelids seductively.
  2290. >You watch her carefully, nodding.
  2291. "Of course..."
  2292. >You rise.
  2293. "Change of plans. We're going now."
  2294. >"What?" says Silvershod.
  2295. "Fluttershy tells me their plans are going into motion now, we don't have time to waste."
  2296. >Fluttershy mouths a gasp and urgently tugs on your pant leg, frantically shaking her head.
  2297. >The Mayor draws a sharp breath.
  2298. >"Is it really that urgent, Fluttershy?"
  2299. >Fluttershy shakes her head harder.
  2300. >Silvershod steps forward and places a gentle hoof on her shoulder.
  2301. >"She can barely speak from the horror of it all. Alright, that settles it, we're going now."
  2302. >Fluttershy's mascara is streaking.
  2303. >It would be distressing to see her distressed if Fluttershy with running mascara and a form-fitted bodice wasn't so bewilderingly hot.
  2304. >By now it's eleven kids.
  2305.  
  2306. *
  2307.  
  2308. >They're hanging out at the skate park.
  2309. >It was the last place you would have suspected, but then that makes it the perfect spot for such a meeting.
  2310. >A group of about half a dozen stallions zip around on skateboards and listen to scratchy music though a boombox with a blown out speaker.
  2311. >You, Silvershod, the Mayor, and Fluttershy with her running mascara (twelve kids) all emerge from the treeline, and Silvershod steps forward.
  2312. >"Halt! In the name of Princess Celestia, you're all under arrest for conspiracy to commit terrorism!"
  2313. >The stallion closest to you, a hooligan in baggy knee-length cargo shorts and a flame t-shirt, cries out.
  2314. >"Woah! It's the five-oh, dudes! We gotta bounce! Quick, everypony for himself!"
  2315. >They take off on their skateboards and Silvershod gives chase, screaming into some magic crystal he keeps around his neck under his breastplate for backup.
  2316. >The Mayor, now wearing the pony equivalent of knuckle-dusters, bounds after him.
  2317. >Fluttershy steps into your path before you can join the hunt.
  2318. >She looks furious.
  2319. >Which only makes her hotter.
  2320. >Thirteen.
  2321. >She jabs a hoof at you, stamps the grass, clenches her teeth, and launches into an utterly confusing series of pirouettes, invisible doors, and pretending she's riding a bicycle.
  2322. >When she stops she's gasping for breath, still silently.
  2323. >You straighten up and frown, all hype and momentum evaporated.
  2324. "Wait, all this was just about some stupid fetish guess?"
  2325. >"YES!" she shrieks. "Holy Celestia, YES, now will you PLEASE just PLOUGH ME!"
  2326. "Oh." You sniff. "Well that's disappointing."
  2327. >Then, behind you somewhere in the distance, the townhall explodes.
  2328. >Great work, Fluttershy.
  2329.  
  2330. ---
  2331.  
  2332. "Is speed running your fetish?"
  2333. - Anonymous
  2334.  
  2335. >"Are you ready?"
  2336. "Yes! I'm ready!"
  2337. >Rainbow Dash slaps you across the cheek so hard you're crying before her hoof has even left your fur.
  2338. >"Shut up! I said are you -ready-?!"
  2339. >You move your lips at her uncertainly like a bubbling fish.
  2340. >"Uh, alright I didn't mean -completely- shut up, you can still talk."
  2341. "I-I'm ready! Super ready! Please don't slap me again!"
  2342. >"It's about getting -hyped-, Fluttershy! Gotta get the blood -pumping-!"
  2343. "It's pumping!"
  2344. >"Feel the burn!"
  2345. >Your cheek is stinging like it's on fire.
  2346. "I'm feeling it!"
  2347. >"Gonna do this in ten seconds flat!"
  2348. "...M-maybe not that fast--"
  2349. >"--Yeah no that's unrealistic--"
  2350. "--But I'll still go as fast as I can!"
  2351. >"That's the spirit!"
  2352. "Yeah!"
  2353. >Rainbow Dash slaps your other cheek.
  2354. >Now you're openly weeping but neither of you care.
  2355. >Well, you care, quite a lot actually, but your emotions are just fuel for your journey.
  2356. >"Sound off! Anon House Raid, hundred percent completion, no tool assist, what do you do!"
  2357. >You waver for a moment, mind racing to reassemble the to-do list you've burned into your skull deeper than Rainbow burned her hoof into your cheeks. Both sets of them.
  2358. >She likes spanking you. You're not sure how to tell her to stop and aren't entirely sure you want to since you're developing a thing for it and don't like the implications one bit.
  2359. >A matter for another time. You swallow and bark out the list.
  2360. "Key! Door! Fridge! Stairs! Bathroom! Bedroom! Socks! Underwear! Kiss! Crotch! Window! Complete!"
  2361. >"Yeah!"
  2362. >She slaps you. You face is raw and your tears won't stop but you can consider yourself adequately hyped.
  2363. >"We've trained for weeks, Fluttershy, tonight's the night! Are. You. Ready?!"
  2364. "I'm ready, Rainbow Dash!"
  2365. >"Heck yeah!"
  2366. >Slap.
  2367.  
  2368. *
  2369.  
  2370. >You jog on the spot, eyes locked onto Anon's front door.
  2371. >Rainbow tests her stopwatch and pulls her cap further down her brow.
  2372. >She runs a hoof along your back, rubbing along the ridge of your spine and along your tail dock.
  2373. >"You know your mission."
  2374. "I know my mission."
  2375. >"One thing at a time. Total focus. In and out. You got this."
  2376. "One focus. Thing total. In you. Got out."
  2377. >You nod.
  2378. >"I'm ready."
  2379. >Dash slaps your ass. You quiver.
  2380. >"I believe in you," she whispers in your ear and nibbles it.
  2381. >Mare has issues and you'll really need to speak with her after this is over.
  2382. >Dash stands back and glares at you.
  2383. >"Three."
  2384. >You suck in a deep breath.
  2385. >"Two."
  2386. >You let it out."
  2387. >"One!"
  2388. >You coil your muscles, each one a spring ready to launch.
  2389. >"Go!" she bellows.
  2390. >You leave grooves in the dirt as you explode forward like a cannon shot, the forward snap of your wings creating micro-sonic booms and knocking Dash's cap back off her head.
  2391. >She shrieks and punches the air.
  2392. >"Come on, Shy!"
  2393. >You shoulder barge Anon's front door - it's faster to hit it straight on to stop rather than slowing down before you reach it.
  2394. >The key should be under the stone to the left.
  2395. >No, it's not. He's moved it. Check the one on the right by the weird garden gnome with the handlebar moustache he's so fond of.
  2396. >There.
  2397. >Door open, you hurtle inside in time to see a light flick on atop the landing.
  2398. >"God dammit, not again!" comes a shout from above. He's awake.
  2399. >You thunder down the hall and into the kitchen. Beeline for the fridge. Large puddle on the floor. Pink. Spilled milkshake. Accident, or a hazard there to waylay you? You leap over regardless. A whisper of regret tugs at you - any other time you'd happily lap it up like a dog.
  2400. >What you'd give to be his bitch in heat.
  2401. >You're at the fridge, focus. You all but tear the door off its hinges. Cold air blasts you and your eyes lock onto the top shelf.
  2402. >Half-eaten sandwich covered in Anon germs. Perfect.
  2403. >You stuff the whole thing in your mouth, including the toothpick skewered through an olive stuck in the middle, and chew it as you run to your next target.
  2404. >The bathroom.
  2405. >You turn from the fridge, not bothering to close the door, and your eyes bulge.
  2406. >You lean back in time to avoid losing your head as the frizzy mop end grazes your chin.
  2407. >Anon roars and hurls the mop at you again. He twists his entire upper half into the swing, knuckles white around the handle, biceps swollen with potential energy.
  2408. >He's onto you now, though sooner than expected. He's getting faster in his response times. Have to keep him behind you until the end. You've got this.
  2409. >You flow around his berserker swings like a housefly evading a rolled-up newspaper. He yells incoherently. Something about breaking and entering and not treading on him.
  2410. >You make for the stairs with him hot on your hooves.
  2411. >The mop head passes through your tail once, slightly clipping your dock, and Anon snarls.
  2412. >"Not again, not tonight, you little shit!"
  2413. >Your wings snap open and you clear the stairs in under two seconds.
  2414. >It puts distance between you and Anon, whom has to lunge up them three steps at once.
  2415. >Those trace seconds are precious since you'll need to double back on yourself after hitting the bathroom milestone.
  2416. >You burst through the door and identify his toothbrush by smell alone before you've even seen it.
  2417. >You swallow the remaining chewed pulp of bread and pick and stuff the brush behind your ear.
  2418. >It's still damp and minty from when Anon used it earlier.
  2419. >"Fuck's sake, stop stealing my toothbrushes!"
  2420. >He stands spread across the landing, knees bent and hands wide in a low stance ready to grab you.
  2421. >You leap high with open wings.
  2422. >He swipes the air, but it was a feint.
  2423. >You drop low and roll between his open legs, indulging in a quick sniff as you pass below him.
  2424. >It's that, above all else, that keeps you coming back. That smell. That rush of excitement.
  2425. >The other girls don't understand why speedrunning appeals to you. Only Dash partially understands, but she's only in it for the records and the glory.
  2426. >You're in it for the philosophy.
  2427. >It's not about just barging into Anon's home, stealing his stuff, then scampering off into the night.
  2428. >It's about doing it so efficiently, so masterfully, that the very act of doing so is artistic.
  2429. >There is beauty in the weaving between his frenzied blows, elegance in swiping a crusty sock with absolutely minimal economy of movement.
  2430. >Expending the least energy possible in the pursuit of mere indulgence.
  2431. >Athletic Hedonism.
  2432. >The bedroom door falls open before you to the furious yells of its owner.
  2433. >The drawers are where they always are. You open the top and the third drawer one after another, taking a clean pair of socks and underwear, the flood of detergent smell a comforting blanket around you.
  2434. >It's the same detergent your mother used when you were little, and now Anon uses it too. In a way, he's hijacked your childhood memories. You think back to when you were a filly and you see only Anon. Anon picks you up from school. Anon takes you to the movies. Anon goes to your parent-teacher conferences. Anon bends you over his knee and lays a hand against your rump whenever you do anything bad.
  2435. >These are the things Dash could never understand. Your connection to Anon isn't superficial, it's fundamental. He's done more than shaken your world, he's become it.
  2436. >You duck without looking. You already knew to expect the swipe of the mop where your head was. You've done this so many times you know where Anon is based on proximity of smell and the volume of steps alone.
  2437. >Time for the finale.
  2438. >You dive over a low sweep from the mop, roll, and bounce. Your wings flare, you ascend to his eye-level, and before he can reel back or raise the mop to defend himself, you plant a wet kiss on his lips.
  2439. >Your tongue slips through his defences and prods his tonsils, then snaps back out just before he can guillotine his teeth shut.
  2440. >Your hoof presses firmly against his crotch as you do this, enough to feel his bulge through his nightwear.
  2441. >Ah, someday you'll hold it with his permission. A distant day, but inevitable.
  2442. >He shoves you back with a disgusted retch. You allow him to. His shove pushes you towards his bedroom window, meaning you don't need to spend as much energy. Economy of movement.
  2443. >The window slides open as easily as always and without another glance at your flame you soar away into the night.
  2444. >He comes to the window and shakes a fist after you, bellowing curses and vengeance into an uncaring void.
  2445.  
  2446. *
  2447.  
  2448. >You touch down on the grass and catch your breath just enough to yelp "Time!"
  2449. >Rainbow Dash almost crushes the stopwatch and beams at it.
  2450. >"Two minutes five seconds! It's a new record!"
  2451. "Ya--"
  2452. >Rainbow locks lips with you and pushes you onto the grass, her hooves trailing your sides.
  2453. >Lying on your back, eyes wide open in contrast to her own, you stare past her at the stars in shock.
  2454. >Oh, yes, that was something you needed to talk to her about.
  2455. >You sigh wearily into the kiss. She takes it as an excuse to deepen it, but you're just fed up.
  2456. >You wish she'd stop doing this.
  2457. >She just doesn't understand that you're not interested. No means no, but not to her, apparently.
  2458. >Honestly, some ponies just have no concept of consent or personal space.
  2459.  
  2460. ---
  2461.  
  2462. Anonymous posted a picture of Celly and Lulu talking about having fun.
  2463. Pack your towel and toothbrush, we're going back in time for this one.
  2464.  
  2465. >As you are every morning, you're sure to step over the crossed sunflower and white lily flowers left at your chamber door.
  2466. >If you pick them up they'll know. If you glance at them for too long they'll know. If you acknowledge them beyond the trace thought that they are in fact present, they'll know.
  2467. >They're not terribly good at enchantments yet, but they're keen to test what they've learnt in the field.
  2468. >In the dining hall the braziers on the wall cast exaggerated shadows across the room with their ever-burning fires.
  2469. >The daunting five metre-high drapes are still pulled across the windows and blocking out the night. You seldom wake after dawn.
  2470. >Three figures sit at the long table. From end to end it's about ten of your own paces.
  2471. >Starswirl sits at the far end, scribbling at a parchment and grunting as you enter, but nothing beyond that.
  2472. >Celestia and Luna sit bolt upright the moment you plod through the archway. Their grins tell a tale of mischief and they immediately relocate from the middle of the table to the two seats on either side of where you tend to sit.
  2473. >Luna pulls your chair back and pats the padded seat encouragingly.
  2474. >"A most pleasant morning, Anonymous. Might you have spied anything special about your chamber door?"
  2475. >You walk right past them without a word and slump into the seat beside Starswirl.
  2476. "Morning."
  2477. >He grunts again.
  2478. >You pluck an apple from the nearest bowl and chew on it, squeezing your eyes shut and opening them again to try and wake yourself.
  2479. >Starswirl doesn't look up, nor does he stop writing as he speaks.
  2480. >"You're up early."
  2481. "Same time as I usually do."
  2482. >"Ten minutes earlier than normal."
  2483. "Is that right."
  2484. >"You sleeping well?"
  2485. "About as well as can be expected."
  2486. >"Trouble?"
  2487. "Sleeping is easy. Resting not so much."
  2488. >His quill ceases its relentless journey and he scowls at you.
  2489. >The scowl is then directed at the end of the table.
  2490. >Luna's shoulders raise as she lowers her head.
  2491. >"Luna," Starswirl growls.
  2492. >"T'isn't true! Anonymous slept like an undisturbed foal!" she cries.
  2493. >"And how would you know how he does or doesn't sleep?" Starswirl shoots back.
  2494. >The lithe blue mare, barely older than a filly, looks away and glares at her breakfast.
  2495. >"We didn't touch him," she says to the oatmeal.
  2496. >Celestia retains her posture and clears her throat.
  2497. >"For what it may worth, I would never intrude upon Anonymous' chambers as he slept. T'isn't the sort of thing a princess does."
  2498. >She smirks at her little sister, Luna grits her teeth.
  2499. >Starswirl doesn't miss a beat.
  2500. >"Semantic games don't impress me, Celestia; you won't -become- a princess if you persist."
  2501. >Celestia shifts in clear discomfort.
  2502. >"I -shall- become a princess, you promised me so!"
  2503. >"I promised you nothing. Your destiny is to be a princess only if you -obey- destiny. Acting like a rut-crazed filly in her first heat won't endear you to your subjects anymore than it will build your character as a leader. Control yourselves. Both of you."
  2504. >"Y... yes, Starswirl." Celestia prods her breakfast with a fork and eats it in cowed silence.
  2505. >Luna holds her glare on her elder sister for a little while longer, then does her best to skewer a tomato with a well-aimed knife point.
  2506. "What'll it be today?" you say to Starswirl.
  2507. >"Arcane studies at eight. We'll need these supplies."
  2508. >A list is thrust at you with magic and you tilt it towards the nearest light to read.
  2509. "Thistles and Daggerseeds?"
  2510. >"Botany again. They need to learn more about magic plants."
  2511. "Huh. And Luna?"
  2512. >"Luna will be fine if she does what I tell her."
  2513. "I'll prepare the chamber now, then."
  2514. >"See that you do. Don't touch anything you're not supposed to, either, I'm onto you."
  2515. >You raise your hands in a pacifying gesture. Being a pony, he probably doesn't know what it means.
  2516. "I haven't touched anything."
  2517. >"The scrying basin was moved an inch. I could see its path in the dust. Dust that ought not to have been there anyway if you'd stuck to your task and cleaned the floor like you were supposed to."
  2518. "Can you blame a guy for trying to peek home?"
  2519. >Starswirl's upper lip curls back over his teeth, meaning it's time to disappear.
  2520. >You make the mistake of glancing up at Luna before you go. She quickly fixes her mane and sits up straighter, pretending to ignore you.
  2521.  
  2522. *
  2523.  
  2524. >"It doesn't hurt."
  2525. "Then stop moving."
  2526. >Luna sits trembling and you yank out another enlarged thorn stuck in her leg.
  2527. >She whimpers.
  2528. >"You did that on purpose!"
  2529. "So did you."
  2530. >"I am not to blame for the behaviour of a plant!"
  2531. "But you are to blame for giving it the capacity to behave in the first place."
  2532. >Luna scowls.
  2533. >"Starswirl said I should experiment with my magic."
  2534. "Bullshit he did, he said you of all ponies should be as careful as possible."
  2535. >You yank out another thorn and rub the salve into the weeping hole. She winces but doesn't make a sound. You rub your fingers around the wound until the salve has been worked in, then move to the next thorn.
  2536. >"And why only me? Why not Celestia?"
  2537. "Celestia..."
  2538. >You look over your shoulder.
  2539. >The older sister is at the far end of the testing chamber being lectured by Starswirl. He's not prodding her with his oaken staff so it's not a punishing lecture, more one of his many rambling ones.
  2540. >To her credit, Celestia is staring right at him and nodding attentively, so she's at the very least putting on the guise of paying attention.
  2541. >Or perhaps she really is listening to the old coot. She's full of surprises.
  2542. "Celestia's better at controlling her magic than you are."
  2543. >Luna looks so incensed as to come to tears, but you motion for her to be quiet.
  2544. "She's better at magic, but your magic is stronger. Far stronger."
  2545. >Luna's ears flick. Despite her obvious pain, she smiles.
  2546. >"Truly? Does Starswirl say so?"
  2547. >You nod, but jab her in the chest with a hard finger.
  2548. "Do -not- go bragging about it. Your magic is apparently a lot more potent than hers, God knows I've seen it myself and I barely understand this stuff. But that means that until you can control it, you need to be more careful with it. Otherwise giving a porcupine plant self-awareness will be the least of your problems."
  2549. >Luna's smile develops into a smirk.
  2550. >"And do you observe me so closely very often, Anonymous?"
  2551. >Your hand wavers over her next thorn.
  2552. "You know I could push these in rather than pull them out, right?"
  2553. >She shrugs.
  2554. >"I simply state the obvious. You looked at me at breakfast, I saw you."
  2555. >The young mare, a fair bit younger than you by Starswirl's reckoning, leans forward.
  2556. >Your body blocks her from view of the others, so they won't be able to see how close she is to you. Her breath heats your exposed chest through your open shirt.
  2557. >"You want me, don't you? You appreciate my power."
  2558. >She darts forward the final distance and places a kiss between your pectorals.
  2559. >"You shall not be the only one. Mark my words, Anonymous, I shall become the most powerful pony this land has ever seen. And I would like you to be there by my side."
  2560. "You're not even past being a teenager, you don't know anything."
  2561. >She huffs.
  2562. >"That will change. I am to be immortal once I become a princess, you know."
  2563. "Good luck with that. Sounds like it'd get boring."
  2564. >"Perhaps to a mortal such as you. I shall adapt."
  2565. >She looks at you again, as if only just seeing you.
  2566. >"Or Starswirl could make you immortal too? I shall ask him."
  2567. "Don't bother, I'm not interested."
  2568. >"Truly?"
  2569. "I fulfil my side of the bargain and the old bastard sends me home. That's the deal. I'm not sticking around here any longer than I need to."
  2570. >"Do you not enjoy our company?"
  2571. "The novelty of talking equines and magic wore off fast, and sugarcube, I miss the internet like you wouldn't believe."
  2572.  
  2573. *
  2574.  
  2575. >Celestia corners you in the library.
  2576. >As always, she makes it seem as though she was just passing through, but you've been hearing her pacing about for the last few minutes looking for you.
  2577. >Sadly your hiding spot, squatting down behind an assortment of reagents and their relevant tomes, wasn't sufficient.
  2578. >"Is Luna alright?"
  2579. "You don't care about Luna."
  2580. >She looks away surveys the empty library, chewing her lip.
  2581. >"I do too."
  2582. "The fact you hesitated like that says otherwise."
  2583. >"She's the only family I've got, why wouldn't I care?"
  2584. "If you cared you wouldn't overlook her as much as you do, nor would you laugh whenever she makes a mistake and gets Starswirl shouting at her. She hurt herself this morning. You could've helped."
  2585. >"I did help."
  2586. "Could've done it sooner."
  2587. >Celestia studies you, developing a smile you've come to dislike.
  2588. >She's taken a fancy to diplomatic reading materials whilst you've been here, and thinks it makes her more approachable to smile as she does.
  2589. >She's not figured out yet that a smile is more than just lips, and that the eyes have to reflect it. Her smiles are hollow.
  2590. >She'll make a terrible leader.
  2591. >"She makes mistakes, yes, and I laugh because they're funny. But she's still my sister. Besides, Starswirl gave her instructions and she ignored them, just like she always does. She deserved it."
  2592. "You just watch yourself. She won't let herself be a punching bag forever, trust me."
  2593. >"She's not a punching bag, she's my--"
  2594. "Your sister, I get it. What do you want?"
  2595. >"I was just around. Looking for a book."
  2596. >She steps closer and runs a hoof along your squatted leg.
  2597. >"What are -you- looking for?"
  2598. "Demystifying Demons and Figuring out The Fey. Should be around here somewhere. Or were you trying to do something weird again?"
  2599. >"What's weird?" she doesn't remove her hoof. You remove it for her.
  2600. "This. That husky voice you're putting on doesn't work, by the way, it makes you sound ridiculous."
  2601. >She steps back and clears her throat.
  2602. >"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just concerned about you, is all."
  2603. "Really."
  2604. >"Are you not alone here?"
  2605. "It's a library. I prefer it when it's empty."
  2606. >"I mean here as in -here-. The castle."
  2607. "I've got company."
  2608. >"But no other humans."
  2609. "So what?"
  2610. >"So. No human mares to keep you warm at night."
  2611. >You snicker at her and she checks her mane unconsciously.
  2612. >"What?"
  2613. "Women. 'Human mares' sounds horrific."
  2614. >"Well fine, women. But you don't have any, do you?"
  2615. "There are plenty back home, which is where I'm going once you and Luna are done with your training."
  2616. >"That won't be for many, many more years. Starswirl said it could be decades before we're ready. Do you not think you'll get even more lonely?"
  2617. >She approaches you again, expression half-lidded.
  2618. >"We could accommodate you, Luna and I."
  2619. "Now you want to involve Luna, do you?"
  2620. >"She and I have an agreement. Or... were you more interested in me? She doesn't have to know."
  2621. "You're a cruel bitch, Celestia."
  2622. >Her smile broadens.
  2623. >"You'll learn to love it. We'll be around each other for a long time, so you might as well get used to me. The sight, sound, and -feel- of me."
  2624. >She turns and moves her tail to the side.
  2625. >You look away, but not fast enough to avoid getting a glimpse of what she wanted you to see.
  2626. "Christ..."
  2627. >She hums.
  2628. >"Enticing, no? There are more than a few books in this very library that go into -very- specific detail about the more carnal side of life."
  2629. "You could read every book in the library, wouldn't make you any wiser."
  2630. >"Books are repositories of wisdom. They could educate the world if only more knew how to read."
  2631. "Maybe you can put that on your agenda when you're the queen bitch of horseland."
  2632. >She's unfazed as always by your harsh tone. Direct insults run off her like water.
  2633. >"When I am princess, I shall take students under my wing. I shall educate them. I shall mould them. They shall learn everything I know."
  2634. "You'll raise them to be neurotic bookish loners."
  2635. >"I sincerely doubt that."
  2636. >She smiles that half-soul smile at you again.
  2637. >"But I shall need a consort when I am princess. Perhaps you would like to consider a proposal?"
  2638. "Sorry, I aim to be gone before then."
  2639. >You find the book you were looking for and heft it under your arm. Then, you stroll past her and speak over your shoulder.
  2640. "Besides, I like your sister more."
  2641. >That'll have riled her.
  2642. >Good.
  2643.  
  2644. *
  2645.  
  2646. >Three weeks later, Starswirl stirs his tea.
  2647. >More accurately, the spoon he'd enchanted stirs it. The stallion splays on a bed of downy cushions by the fireplace and reads, as he always does.
  2648. >"They're making quick progress," he says without looking at you.
  2649. "Celestia more than Luna, though."
  2650. >"They'll even out. It's more important to teach them the fundamentals, that way they'll be able to parse the more difficult subjects at their own pace."
  2651. "And what about me?"
  2652. >He looks up.
  2653. >"What -about- you?"
  2654. "When am I getting sent home?"
  2655. >He eyebrows knit together.
  2656. >"When Princess Celestia and Princess Luna ascend to the throne and lead Equestria into the future."
  2657. "Where's Equestria?"
  2658. >"This land is Equestria, or it will be when they take over. It's the name the land will be given."
  2659. "Take over. You make it sound like a coup."
  2660. >"It is a coup."
  2661. >You frown.
  2662. >"Anonymous, beyond these castle walls ponykind is tearing itself to pieces. Pegasi wage war on anything that looks at them askew, Unicorns think the bit of bone on their heads means they're entitled to the universe and everything in it, and Earth Ponies are too stubborn to compromise, but too scared to stand up for themselves. The whole race needs uniting."
  2663. "And you're going to entrust the fate of the land to two horny recluses who've never been outside?"
  2664. >"They will grow, and they will mature. Soon, they will ascend. The final gift of the alicorns is theirs once they are ready. It is destiny."
  2665. "Your destined leader got hugged by a porcupine plant today."
  2666. >"In time!" he snaps. "It will take time. And I need your help because I can't trust anyone else. I can't trust ponies. They'd fear what is to come."
  2667. "So... what. I'm just stuck here until they're old enough?"
  2668. >"To be blunt, yes. I will help you get home, Anonymous, I promise you that much, but if I don't have you helping me they won't grow as quickly. And all the while, the world out there goes to Tartarus. I fear the Windigoes may yet return."
  2669. >You look down into your own teacup and sigh inwardly.
  2670. "We'd better work fast, then."
  2671.  
  2672. *
  2673.  
  2674. >Six months later, your eyes snap open to pure black.
  2675. >It takes a while for them to adjust, but as you do you see a form sat on your bed.
  2676. >You growl and fumble with the oil lamp on the floor beside you as the form shifts about and giggles.
  2677. >The light reveals not just Luna, but Celestia too.
  2678. >"A most pleasant evening, Anonymous," says Luna, grinning.
  2679. "Get bored poking around in my brain, did you?"
  2680. >Celestia cocks her head and looks at her sister.
  2681. >"Brain?" she says.
  2682. >Luna puffs out her chest.
  2683. >"I have been visiting Anonymous in his dreams. Why, haven't -you-, dear sister?"
  2684. >"But how?" Celestia seems at a loss.
  2685. >You want to take their confusion as an opportunity to leave, but as you shuffle close to the edge to get out a band of magic wraps your legs and drags you back to the centre of the bed.
  2686. >"A moment, Anonymous, we would speak with you," says Luna.
  2687. >"Luna and I have been discussing recent developments," says Celestia.
  2688. "You mean your studies?"
  2689. >"In a way," she says coyly. "We have been getting stronger."
  2690. "I know. Starswirl and I are happy with your progress."
  2691. >"But whilst we may have progressed in our studies, we haven't progressed as mares."
  2692. "You two are barely mares as it is."
  2693. >"I have just had my twentieth birthday," Celestia says with unwarranted pride. "Luna is now seventeen."
  2694. "And?"
  2695. >"We have yet to know the touch of a stallion. We have never even been beyond the castle grounds. How can we be expected to rule if we don't even know what it feels like to be loved?"
  2696. "I agree completely. So why don't you walk yourselves off out of the castle and down to the village. There are plenty of strapping stallions there you can annoy. Or better yet, keep it local, go bother Starswirl, I reckon he's got a few dry nuts left in him somewhere."
  2697. >Luna covers her mouth and gags and even Celestia's borderline sociopathic façade wilts.
  2698. >"That... no, thank you, we'll not be doing that," she manages. "We'll be having you instead, please and thank you."
  2699. "Well at least you remembered your manners. The answer is still no."
  2700. >"That..." Celestia smiles again. "Was what we were discussing."
  2701. >You sit up a bit and look between the two sisters.
  2702. >They sit on either side of your legs, perched like cats, watching you intently in the orange glow of the oil lamp.
  2703. >"We've grown quite a bit both physically and magically. And we were discussing at great length what happened on Tuesday night."
  2704. >You remember. You hadn't put a lot of thought into it at the time, but given fresh context it's setting off warning sirens in your mind.
  2705. >"Dropped off a ladder like a stone, you did. Straight down, down, down, and oh! What happened?"
  2706. >Celestia looks at you expectedly.
  2707. "Luna caught me."
  2708. >"Luna caught you. But not only that, she guided you around for a bit, and you were quite helpless. I thought the look on your face was terribly funny, but the more I thought about it, the more... arousing, I found it. Luna is quite keen as well, aren't you, Lulu?"
  2709. >Luna nods, her cats eyes focused on a cornered mouse.
  2710. "Lu," you swallow dryly, "Lulu?"
  2711. >"Do you think it's cute? You told me I needed to be a better sister to Luna, so here we are. Bonding. Like sisters."
  2712. "And what are you planning to bond over, exactly?"
  2713. >"I don't think we need to bother dancing around the issue, Anonymous. You know why we're here and what we want. We're going to take it whether you like it or not, and it's in your best interests to play along unless you want us to accidentally break anything. Not that we -want- to hurt our favourite human, do we, Lulu?"
  2714. >"Hurt our Anonymous?" Luna says, mirroring her sister's tone in a way that's downright unsettling. "Never. We love you, Anon, I thought that was obvious."
  2715. >"We love you so much," Celestia moves forward and drapes herself beside you. Luna does the same. "Do you love us?"
  2716. "I think you're making a huge mistake. Starswirl won't forgive you."
  2717. >"Starswirl doesn't have any choice but to forgive us," Celestia says sharply.
  2718. >Your blood chills.
  2719. >"He's locked into his creed about destiny, and with no more surviving family we're all he has. We've been his project since we were dropped on his doorstep two decades ago, so he can't give up on us now, his ego won't allow it. No, what will happen is he'll make a show of being angry, perhaps he'll punish us, no more desserts for a year, boo hoo. But the morning after? We'll be right back to studying. Because Starswirl knows we're the only hope this land has. He knows we're his ace in the hole. And we know that he knows."
  2720. >You don't look away from Celestia as she speaks. The very sight of her, such a pretty face and alluring eyes, saying such hideous things, unsettles you more than any demon or monster from the deep.
  2721. "You're a fucking psychopath."
  2722. >"I love your dirty talk, Anon."
  2723. >She moves forward and kisses your cheek. Luna follows suit, oddly quiet beside her sister.
  2724. "Luna?"
  2725. >She looks at you, then to her sister, then looks down.
  2726. "You don't really want to do this, do you?"
  2727. >Luna studies you, and a reassuring nod from Celestia has her smiling and nodding.
  2728. >"I... I do. We're going to be -princesses-, Anon! We're going to be royals, and we'll rule the land equally with firm but fair hooves. The ponies will love us."
  2729. "And this will help you get there, will it?"
  2730. >"You don't get it, Anon," Luna says with a tinge of regret. "You're all we think about. It's hard to study when you're... -there-. In the background, watching us, following Starswirl."
  2731. "You've been cooped up in here too long. Keeping you both isolated and kept from socialising was a mistake."
  2732. >She shrugs, "Maybe."
  2733. >Celestia's horn ignites, and your nightwear starts to unravel at the seams.
  2734. >"We'll all enjoy ourselves, Anon. You, me, Luna. Then we'll go right back to studying, and Starswirl won't be any the wiser."
  2735. "He'll know."
  2736. >"Possibly. But as I said, even if he does..." she winks.
  2737. >"Just try to enjoy it," Luna says. "It'll be fun!"
  2738. >"Double the sisters, double the fun," Celestia quips as she takes her position atop you. Atop your groin. Her heat pressing against you.
  2739. >Luna plants a kiss on your cheek. Then another. Then she cups your chin with magic and forces you to face her as she kisses you.
  2740. >"It'll be fine," she whispers, "I promise."
  2741.  
  2742. *
  2743.  
  2744. >Celestia stands atop her balcony two thousand years later, watching her sun set. She'd been there for a while. Her breathing was shallow.
  2745. >An ancient memory had resurfaced, and rather than fading away again like a wisp of fog in the night like countless other echoes of the past, this one solidified and punched her in the gut.
  2746. >She'd forgotten the faces of her parents. She'd forgotten Starswirl's voice. She'd forgotten entire lifetimes of knowledge in her immortal journey.
  2747. >But apparently not this.
  2748. >Tears dripped off her chin, but she remained rigid and staring at the sun.
  2749. >Luna came to her side, frowning.
  2750. >"Tia? I saw you from my tower, what's wrong?"
  2751. "I--" her voice caught in her throat. "I just remembered a mistake."
  2752. >Luna shrugs. Not dismissively, but with a sense of resignation.
  2753. >"Our lives are full of them. I thought you'd be out of tears. Is this one recent?"
  2754. "No. It's a very, very old mistake. Even older than... older than -that- night."
  2755. >Luna grimaces and steps closer to Celestia. Celestia drapes a wing over her little sister's back.
  2756. >"Then, what?"
  2757. "...I remember Anonymous, Lulu."
  2758. >Luna stiffens.
  2759. >For a moment she doesn't speak. She stares ahead much like her sister, eyes meandering slightly as if following something in the far distance.
  2760. >"Stars above, I... How long... Celestia?"
  2761. >She looks stricken, and stares in bewilderment at Celestia, at her streaking tears, her quivering jaw.
  2762. >Luna slumps against her, the elder taking her weight and sagging to the floor of the balcony with her.
  2763. >The two lie there in silence for a while. Celestia doesn't take her eyes off the sun.
  2764. >"I thought I'd forgotten him, but I suppose I'll never really forget."
  2765. "We're cruel ponies, Luna."
  2766. >"It was long ago--"
  2767. "We were sadists."
  2768. >"We were young!"
  2769. "Why should that matter?"
  2770. >"Because we were -young-!"
  2771. >Celestia wipes her eyes and glares at the sun, face contorted in disgusted anger.
  2772. >"We were -young-, Celestia. We didn't understand the power we had, we didn't know what boundaries were! There was only the castle, and Starswirl, and books, and... and then he was -there-."
  2773. "I can still see the disappointment in his eyes."
  2774. >Luna sighs and leans her head against Celestia's neck. She nuzzles her elder sister, but to little effect.
  2775. "I would give so much to have him back. If only for a moment. If only to say I'm sorry."
  2776. >"We can't change the past."
  2777. "Don't we know it."
  2778. >The two sisters fall silent again and watch the setting sun.

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