[FLUTTERRAPE] Hearths Warming Eve


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: December 14th, 2012

                                            ---


                                            >Day Hearths Warming Eve in Equestria

                                            >Or, as normal people call it: Christmas

                                            >Or, as cynical fucks call it: Material Wealth - The Holiday

                                            >Or, as you call it: Friday

                                            >Wake up and groan when you realise what day it is

                                            >You always hated Christmas, it's just an excuse to give spoiled little shits expensive toys and lie to them about the "true meaning of Christmas"

                                            >Seems like Ponies have their own version of it here

                                            >Damn this world and it's uncanny similarities to Earth

                                            >Get out of bed and immediately start suffering from Frostbite

                                            >Shiver profusely and run into the shower

                                            >Turn it on and let the scalding water wash over you

                                            Aaaahh...

                                            >Warmed up and wide awake, you walk downstairs and into your kitchen

                                            >Get out some bread and toast that shit

                                            >While you wait for the bread to inevitably burn, you read the paper that was pushed through your door

                                            >Frontpage reads: "IT'S HEARTHS WARMING EVE!"

                                            No shit.

                                            >Turn the page to page 2

                                            >"I KNOW, RIGHT? IT'S ACTUALLY HEARTHS WARMING EVE!"

                                            >Flick through the paper quickly

                                            >Every single page reads something along the lines of "HEARTHS WARMING EVE OH MY GOD!"

                                            >Growl and scrunch up the paper

                                            >Open the door and throw it outside

                                            >"Ouch!"

                                            >Realise you just threw it at Fluttershy's face before she could knock on your door

                                            >She's dressed in the most sickeningly adorable outfit ever

                                            >All red n' shit.

                                            >Nice description, brain

                                            >No problem, bro

                                            >"H-happy Hearths Warming Eve, Anon!"

                                            >She smiles sweetly then flies up to your face

                                            >She leans in to kiss you and you stop her with your hand

                                            >She decides that this is good enough and starts getting intimate with your right apendage

                                            >Fucking Hands

                                            >You hear the toaster beep and run back inside, Fluttershy still attached to your hand, sloppily making out with it

                                            >You put the toast on the plate and start eating it, all with one hand

                                            >After a while you feel your skin start to go pruny from Flutterslobber

                                            >Shake her off and let out a short laugh as she flies into the wall

                                            >These ponies. Lighter than air

                                            >Fluttershy gets up and trots over to you, taking a seat opposite you from across your kitchen table

                                            >"So what are you going to do today, Anon? Are you going to spend it with... umm..."

                                            >She bats her eyelashes, resulting in a very convincing imitation of an epileptic fit

                                            >"The ones you... Love?"

                                            Nah.

                                            >"Oh..."

                                            >You sit there and eat your toast with you best "I dun giv a fook, niga" face on

                                            >She sits there and watches you with her best "I wan to giv u a fook, niga" face on

                                            >Seeing this you roll your eyes and finish eating

                                            Look. I'm gonna go into town, check out what's happening, then come back, ok? I don't care about this holiday of yours

                                            >"B-but Anon! This day is all about love!"

                                            Yeah, I've heard that one before

                                            >"N-no, really. If we don't love each other the sky demons will come and freeze everything!"

                                            You fucking what?

                                            >"Umm... N-nothing... Please spend the day with me"

                                            >She gets off her seat and trots over to you, placing her hooves on your lap and gazing up at you with her best puppy eyes

                                            >"Pleeeaaaase?"

                                            >You can't say no to that face

                                            >...

                                            >Oh wait yes you can

                                            No.

                                            >Kick her out the house and get on your boots

                                            >Open the front door and look at all the snow n' shit

                                            >Score 2 for Brain

                                            >Today is going to be a cold day

                                            >Pass Fluttershy's legs sticking out of a pile of snow waving in the air frantically while you walk down the road

                                            >Chuckle to yourself

                                            >The snow promptly explodes and Fluttershy runs after

                                            >She catches up and wipes snow off her face

                                            >"Oh Anon, thank you for saving me from that scary snow!"

                                            You really need to get laid.

                                            >"I know..."

                                            >You both enter Ponyville and start looking around

                                            >You spot Applejack selling Apples

                                            >Pinkie Pie partying

                                            >Twilight reading about the holiday

                                            >Rainbow Dash throwing snowballs at Rarity

                                            >Who looks mad as hell about all the snow on her clothes

                                            >So it's a normal fucking day, but with snow instead of mud.

                                            You seriously dragged me out here for THIS?

                                            >"B-but can't you see the love in the air, Anon?"

                                            >Watch the Cutie Mark Crusaders run by

                                            >Scootaloo is dragging along a giant candycane with her tongue and swearing profusely

                                            >Applebloom and Sweetie Belle laugh at her

                                            Nope.

                                            >"Oh... Ok..."

                                            >YOu carry on walking

                                            >See a shadow over you

                                            >Hear snickering

                                            >Look up and see Rainbow Dash

                                            >She's holding mistletoe over you and Fluttershy

                                            You've got to be fucking kidding m-

                                            >Fluttershy lunges at you and attaches her mouth to yours

                                            >You flail around and try to pry her lips off yours

                                            >Her mouth is like a suction cup

                                            >You can only imagine the damage she'd do if she got near your manhood

                                            >Shudder

                                            >Fluttershy thinks you're getting into it and crams her tongue down your throat

                                            >Eventually get her off by slamming her body against a tree

                                            >She releases your now sore and swollen lips with a loud pop

                                            >"Wow, Anon. That was amazing! W-was kissing under the mistletoe your fetish?"

                                            >Glare at her

                                            >Kick the tree you're stood next to

                                            >A large pile of snow falls from a branch and covers her

                                            >Hear a muffled voice from underneath it

                                            >"W-was that a yes?"

                                            >Grumble and complain to yourself while you head back home, nursing your poor lips

                                            >Unlock the front door and walk inside, stomping your boots on the mat on the way in

                                            >Everything is dark

                                            >Why are the curtains shut?

                                            >OH FOR-

                                            CAN I PLEASE JUST GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET?

                                            >Lights on

                                            >Music blares

                                            >Streamers everywhere

                                            >Beer and red plastic cups suddenly everywhere

                                            >Pinkie literally tears herself out of your sofa, getting stuffing everywhere

                                            >"HEARTHS WARMING EVER STAAAAG PAAAARTY!"

                                            NOOOO-

                                            >3 hours later

                                            >You, Pinkie Pie, and half of Ponyville, who all somehow fit inside your house are sitting/sleeping/puking on the floor of your house

                                            >Pinkie Pie looks at you, completely fucked out of her head

                                            >"H-hey, Anon... Don't l-look now, but"

                                            >She giggles and snorts

                                            >"F-fluttershy is trying to slip something into your drink"

                                            >Try not to shit yourself laughing at this simple statement of hers

                                            >Look towards where Pinkie is pointing

                                            >Fluttershy, who is also utterly shnozzled, is trying to empty an entire bucket of pills into a tiny plastic cup

                                            >You can't handle the absurdity

                                            >Your drunk mind shuts down and hands over the controls to your ineberated sense of humour

                                            >You and Pinkie Pie laugh for a long time, causing the passed out party-goers to moan and groggily get up

                                            >Rest your head on the torn up sofa with Pinkie Pie and look up at the ceiling

                                            >There's a pony hanging from your lights

                                            >Stifle a giggle

                                            >Pinkie Pie gets up and offers you a pill

                                            Wuzzit?

                                            >"It's a pick me up! Cures everything from Hangovers to Depression!"

                                            >Seems legit

                                            >Swallow it

                                            >Your mind becomes every colour ever.

                                            >Rise from the sofa with renewed vigor

                                            >Pinkie Pie bounces to your front door

                                            >"I gotta got to work! But thanks for the party, Anon!"

                                            >Look around for a clock

                                            >Find it

                                            >12:00

                                            >You had a party, with alcohol, at 9 in the morning

                                            >These ponies party hard

                                            >Watch and make sure the other residents wake up and are sent about their days

                                            >Some of them thank you, others mistake you for a coat hanger and try to pull off your pants

                                            >Fluttershy tries this about 15 times

                                            >Eventually they're all gone and it's just you and Fluttershy

                                            >"H-hey, Anon. Want a drink?"

                                            >She hands you a cup filled with nothing but pills

                                            >Laugh for a full minute

                                            >Ruffle her mane

                                            You so crazy, Fluttershy

                                            >"Are crazy mares your fetish?"

                                            >Walk outside into the freezing cold

                                            >Fall forwards into a pile of snow and just lie there

                                            >Your lips are sore, your head is pounding, your house is trashed, you've ingested 4 different kinds of illegal substance in the last 3 hours, you're lying face down in the snow and you're not wearing pants

                                            >Forget what you said this morning, this holiday is fucking radical.

                                            >Get up and grin

                                            >Feel the sunlight burn your eyes and you clamp them shut

                                            >Oh yeah. That's the stuff

                                            >Walk back inside to put some pants on, refreshed by the facefull of snow

                                            >Fluttershy is passed out in your hallway

                                            >You nudge her with your foot

                                            >"D-did we have sex"

                                            Hell no

                                            >"Oh. Can we?"

                                            Hell no

                                            >"Oh.

                                            >Walk upstairs and pull on some pants

                                            >Turn to your door but Fluttershy is blocking it, a determined look in her eyes

                                            >"Look here, mister. I want to make your first Hearths Warming Eve something to remember."

                                            You want me to remember? Do you have any idea how many drugs i've eaten this morning? I'll be lucky to remember my name after today.

                                            >She growls

                                            >"You WILL go with me to my cottage and we WILL drink coco and we WILL have a lovely time!"

                                            Fuck that. I'm gonna go find Pinkie and get some more of those "pick me ups"

                                            >Fluttershy tackles you to the floor and pins your down while stood over your chest

                                            >"HAVE A MERRY HEARTHS WARMING!"

                                            NO! I WANT TO EAT DRUGS!

                                            >She grabs your collar and starts shaking you violently

                                            >"I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME!"

                                            9 PONIES BEAT YOU TO IT IN THE LAST 3 HOURS. MY DICK IS SERIOUSLY SORE.

                                            >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH"

                                            >You both start wrestling on your bedroom floor

                                            >Fluttershy forgetting the whole "cottage" thing and skipping straight to the sex

                                            >You trying to crawl to the kitchen to get something to eat

                                            >20 minutes later you're sat at your kitchen table with a glass of water and an icepack on your forehead

                                            >Fluttershy is unconcious on the table

                                            >You sigh and pull on a jacket

                                            >Pick up Fluttershy and carry her upstairs

                                            >Lay her on your bed

                                            >Write her a note and lovingly place it on her nose before kissing her on the forehead

                                            >It reads: "If you raid my fridge, I'll break your spine."

                                            >Walk out the door and head towards Pinkie Pie's Place

                                            >Heh. Alliteration

                                            >Score 3 for Brain

                                            >Walk through the entrance to Sugarcube Corner

                                            >Pinkie Sees you

                                            >"Heya, Anon! Great party, right?"

                                            It was awesome. We have to do it again sometime!

                                            >You and Pinkie spend some more time together before you decide it's time to go

                                            >She stops your just before you leave

                                            >"Wait! Anon, do you... Have somep0ny to spend time with today? Nop0ny should be along on Hearths Warming Eve!"

                                            >She looks at you with big eyes, drooping ears and a trembling lower lip

                                            >This pony.

                                            Pinkie...

                                            >She beams at you

                                            Do you want to hang out?

                                            >"YES!"

                                            >She leaps over the counter and hugs you

                                            I don't get it though, shouldn't you be hanging out with Twilight and the others?

                                            >"Twilight is passed out in the back room, Applejack is busy selling Apples, Rarity is in her basement creating a new dress out of Manticore skin and Rainbow Dash is asleep."

                                            What happened to Twilight?

                                            >"She can't hold a drink, Anon."

                                            >She shakes her head sadly

                                            >"It's sad, really."

                                            I can imagine. Well, lets go then!

                                            >You and Pinkie Pie enjoy the festivities and whatnot for the rest of the day and get back to your house at nightfall, laughing like idiots as you fall through the front door

                                            >"Ohhh Anon. You're such a crack up!"

                                            >You both get up and walk into the kitchen

                                            >Fluttershy is waiting for you

                                            >"Hello, Anon. Hello, Pinkie Pie."

                                            Woah, hey there, Flutters. You feeling better?

                                            >"Oh. I'm quite fine. I'm just confused as to why you would prefer spending the day with Pinkie Pie and not me"

                                            Well, the thing about that is-

                                            >"Am I not good enough for you, Anon? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? HUH?"

                                            Ok, calm dow-

                                            >"IS IT BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACHIEVED MUCH, ANON? BECAUSE I'VE ACHIEVED PLENTY! LOOK!"

                                            >She pulls out a massive sack from under the table

                                            >A massive brown sack full of medals and framed certificates

                                            >"LOOK AT IT ALL, ANON! I CAN BE A WINNER TOO!"

                                            >She starts hurling medals at you

                                            >"HOW ABOUT MOST ADORABLE SMILE? I GOT THAT!"

                                            >Turn to Pinkie

                                            We should get out of here

                                            >"Okie dokie lokie!"

                                            >You both run out the front door

                                            >Fluttershy follows, carrying her sack

                                            >Turn to look over your shoulder

                                            >"LOOK, ANON! I EVEN MADE MYSELF A COSTUME ONCE!"

                                            >She pulls on a costume identical to that of Santa Claus

                                            >Now she's flying overhead throwing certificates at you

                                            >You narrowly avoid a Nobel Prize for Adorableness and run towards Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie

                                            >"HO HO HO! LOOK AT THESE FUCKING MEDALS!"

                                            >You're being chased through a village by a talking horse dressed as Santa Claus who's throwing awards at you

                                            >How is this your life?

                                            >"TIS THE SEASON TO WIN CONTESTS, TRA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA"

                                            >A medal for worst throwing arm hits you in the face as you look over your shoulder

                                            >The irony hurts

                                            >You slam open the door to Sugarcube Corner and throw Pinkie in first by her tail before following her and locking the door from the inside

                                            >You sit with your back to the door

                                            >Look at Pinkie, who's grinning at you and bouncing on the spot

                                            >"What's up, Anny?"

                                            I feel like I've done this before

                                            >Before you can explain you hear a thud on the roof

                                            >Hear footsteps pace all over it

                                            >Stay quiet and motion for Pinkie to do the same

                                            >She thinks you want to play Charades and starts imitating a cinema reel with her hooves then runs on the spot

                                            >Look towards the chimney in the corner

                                            >You don't even remember it being there

                                            >See a bit of soot fall from inside

                                            >Sweat forms on your forehead

                                            >Look back at Pinkie frantically

                                            >She's miming an animal roar silently

                                            >Hear a grunt from the chimney

                                            >You're sweating buckets

                                            >A yellow hoof appears

                                            >Your clothes are now soaking wet and your shoes are filled with sweat

                                            >Fluttershy gracefully lands at the chimney

                                            >And by that you mean she crashes to the foot of it and the sack of accolades follows her, squashing her

                                            >Try to get up

                                            >Slip on the floor, as you are now ankle deep in sweat

                                            >Pinkie is wearing Scuba gear and imitating a chicken

                                            >You try and open the door

                                            >It's locked

                                            >Who the fuck locked it?

                                            >Panic and start hammering your fists on the door as Fluttershy starts slowly wading through the now knee deep sweat towards you, dragging her sack

                                            >You throw yourself against the door, then turn around and fearfully stare at Fluttershy, who is now chest deep.

                                            >"Well well, Anon. Looks like you're trapped. Now, you've had this coming for a long time"

                                            >She reaches into her sack and pulls something out

                                            >OH SHIT OH SHIT

                                            >Slam your eyes shut and prepare for the worst

                                            >"Here you go!"

                                            >Open them

                                            >Fluttershy is smiling at you behind her fuzzy white santa beard

                                            >She hands you a small award

                                            >It's a small statuette of a human striking a pose on a stand

                                            >The stand reads: "Nicest Human"

                                            >Blink

                                            >Look at the Pony, now neck deep in your own sweat at you, who's looking awfully proud of herself

                                            >Look at Pinkie Pie, who is waiting for you to guess what she's mimicking

                                            I don't know what it is, Pinkie Pie.

                                            >"UGH! It's Dramatic Conveinience, of course!"

                                            >On cue, the weight of all the sweat behind it causes the door you're led against to burst open outwards

                                            >You, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie ride the sweat tsunami out of Sugarcube Corner and sit in the snow

                                            >Fluttershy is still grinning from ear to ear

                                            >"S-so are nice awards your fetish?"

                                            >Look down at her

                                            Sure, why not.


                                            The End