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[FLUTTERRAPE] Hearths Warming Eve

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 05:26:47 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: December 14th, 2012
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Day Hearths Warming Eve in Equestria
  5. >Or, as normal people call it: Christmas
  6. >Or, as cynical fucks call it: Material Wealth - The Holiday
  7. >Or, as you call it: Friday
  8. >Wake up and groan when you realise what day it is
  9. >You always hated Christmas, it's just an excuse to give spoiled little shits expensive toys and lie to them about the "true meaning of Christmas"
  10. >Seems like Ponies have their own version of it here
  11. >Damn this world and it's uncanny similarities to Earth
  12. >Get out of bed and immediately start suffering from Frostbite
  13. >Shiver profusely and run into the shower
  14. >Turn it on and let the scalding water wash over you
  15. Aaaahh...
  16. >Warmed up and wide awake, you walk downstairs and into your kitchen
  17. >Get out some bread and toast that shit
  18. >While you wait for the bread to inevitably burn, you read the paper that was pushed through your door
  19. >Frontpage reads: "IT'S HEARTHS WARMING EVE!"
  20. No shit.
  21. >Turn the page to page 2
  22. >"I KNOW, RIGHT? IT'S ACTUALLY HEARTHS WARMING EVE!"
  23. >Flick through the paper quickly
  24. >Every single page reads something along the lines of "HEARTHS WARMING EVE OH MY GOD!"
  25. >Growl and scrunch up the paper
  26. >Open the door and throw it outside
  27. >"Ouch!"
  28. >Realise you just threw it at Fluttershy's face before she could knock on your door
  29. >She's dressed in the most sickeningly adorable outfit ever
  30. >All red n' shit.
  31. >Nice description, brain
  32. >No problem, bro
  33. >"H-happy Hearths Warming Eve, Anon!"
  34. >She smiles sweetly then flies up to your face
  35. >She leans in to kiss you and you stop her with your hand
  36. >She decides that this is good enough and starts getting intimate with your right apendage
  37. >Fucking Hands
  38.  
  39. 1/10
  40.  
  41. >You hear the toaster beep and run back inside, Fluttershy still attached to your hand, sloppily making out with it
  42. >You put the toast on the plate and start eating it, all with one hand
  43. >After a while you feel your skin start to go pruny from Flutterslobber
  44. >Shake her off and let out a short laugh as she flies into the wall
  45. >These ponies. Lighter than air
  46. >Fluttershy gets up and trots over to you, taking a seat opposite you from across your kitchen table
  47. >"So what are you going to do today, Anon? Are you going to spend it with... umm..."
  48. >She bats her eyelashes, resulting in a very convincing imitation of an epileptic fit
  49. >"The ones you... Love?"
  50. Nah.
  51. >"Oh..."
  52. >You sit there and eat your toast with you best "I dun giv a fook, niga" face on
  53. >She sits there and watches you with her best "I wan to giv u a fook, niga" face on
  54. >Seeing this you roll your eyes and finish eating
  55. Look. I'm gonna go into town, check out what's happening, then come back, ok? I don't care about this holiday of yours
  56. >"B-but Anon! This day is all about love!"
  57. Yeah, I've heard that one before
  58. >"N-no, really. If we don't love each other the sky demons will come and freeze everything!"
  59. You fucking what?
  60. >"Umm... N-nothing... Please spend the day with me"
  61. >She gets off her seat and trots over to you, placing her hooves on your lap and gazing up at you with her best puppy eyes
  62. >"Pleeeaaaase?"
  63. >You can't say no to that face
  64. >...
  65. >Oh wait yes you can
  66. No.
  67. >Kick her out the house and get on your boots
  68. >Open the front door and look at all the snow n' shit
  69. >Score 2 for Brain
  70. >Today is going to be a cold day
  71.  
  72. 2/10
  73.  
  74. >Pass Fluttershy's legs sticking out of a pile of snow waving in the air frantically while you walk down the road
  75. >Chuckle to yourself
  76. >The snow promptly explodes and Fluttershy runs after
  77. >She catches up and wipes snow off her face
  78. >"Oh Anon, thank you for saving me from that scary snow!"
  79. You really need to get laid.
  80. >"I know..."
  81. >You both enter Ponyville and start looking around
  82. >You spot Applejack selling Apples
  83. >Pinkie Pie partying
  84. >Twilight reading about the holiday
  85. >Rainbow Dash throwing snowballs at Rarity
  86. >Who looks mad as hell about all the snow on her clothes
  87. >So it's a normal fucking day, but with snow instead of mud.
  88. You seriously dragged me out here for THIS?
  89. >"B-but can't you see the love in the air, Anon?"
  90. >Watch the Cutie Mark Crusaders run by
  91. >Scootaloo is dragging along a giant candycane with her tongue and swearing profusely
  92. >Applebloom and Sweetie Belle laugh at her
  93. Nope.
  94. >"Oh... Ok..."
  95. >YOu carry on walking
  96. >See a shadow over you
  97. >Hear snickering
  98. >Look up and see Rainbow Dash
  99. >She's holding mistletoe over you and Fluttershy
  100. You've got to be fucking kidding m-
  101. >Fluttershy lunges at you and attaches her mouth to yours
  102. >You flail around and try to pry her lips off yours
  103. >Her mouth is like a suction cup
  104. >You can only imagine the damage she'd do if she got near your manhood
  105. >Shudder
  106. >Fluttershy thinks you're getting into it and crams her tongue down your throat
  107.  
  108. 3/10
  109.  
  110. >Eventually get her off by slamming her body against a tree
  111. >She releases your now sore and swollen lips with a loud pop
  112. >"Wow, Anon. That was amazing! W-was kissing under the mistletoe your fetish?"
  113. >Glare at her
  114. >Kick the tree you're stood next to
  115. >A large pile of snow falls from a branch and covers her
  116. >Hear a muffled voice from underneath it
  117. >"W-was that a yes?"
  118. >Grumble and complain to yourself while you head back home, nursing your poor lips
  119. >Unlock the front door and walk inside, stomping your boots on the mat on the way in
  120. >Everything is dark
  121. >Why are the curtains shut?
  122. >OH FOR-
  123. CAN I PLEASE JUST GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET?
  124. >Lights on
  125. >Music blares
  126. >Streamers everywhere
  127. >Beer and red plastic cups suddenly everywhere
  128. >Pinkie literally tears herself out of your sofa, getting stuffing everywhere
  129. >"HEARTHS WARMING EVER STAAAAG PAAAARTY!"
  130. NOOOO-
  131. >3 hours later
  132. >You, Pinkie Pie, and half of Ponyville, who all somehow fit inside your house are sitting/sleeping/puking on the floor of your house
  133. >Pinkie Pie looks at you, completely fucked out of her head
  134. >"H-hey, Anon... Don't l-look now, but"
  135. >She giggles and snorts
  136. >"F-fluttershy is trying to slip something into your drink"
  137. >Try not to shit yourself laughing at this simple statement of hers
  138. >Look towards where Pinkie is pointing
  139. >Fluttershy, who is also utterly shnozzled, is trying to empty an entire bucket of pills into a tiny plastic cup
  140.  
  141. 4/10
  142.  
  143. >You can't handle the absurdity
  144. >Your drunk mind shuts down and hands over the controls to your ineberated sense of humour
  145. >You and Pinkie Pie laugh for a long time, causing the passed out party-goers to moan and groggily get up
  146. >Rest your head on the torn up sofa with Pinkie Pie and look up at the ceiling
  147. >There's a pony hanging from your lights
  148. >Stifle a giggle
  149. >Pinkie Pie gets up and offers you a pill
  150. Wuzzit?
  151. >"It's a pick me up! Cures everything from Hangovers to Depression!"
  152. >Seems legit
  153. >Swallow it
  154. >Your mind becomes every colour ever.
  155. >Rise from the sofa with renewed vigor
  156. >Pinkie Pie bounces to your front door
  157. >"I gotta got to work! But thanks for the party, Anon!"
  158. >Look around for a clock
  159. >Find it
  160. >12:00
  161. >You had a party, with alcohol, at 9 in the morning
  162. >These ponies party hard
  163. >Watch and make sure the other residents wake up and are sent about their days
  164. >Some of them thank you, others mistake you for a coat hanger and try to pull off your pants
  165. >Fluttershy tries this about 15 times
  166. >Eventually they're all gone and it's just you and Fluttershy
  167. >"H-hey, Anon. Want a drink?"
  168. >She hands you a cup filled with nothing but pills
  169. >Laugh for a full minute
  170. >Ruffle her mane
  171. You so crazy, Fluttershy
  172. >"Are crazy mares your fetish?"
  173. >Walk outside into the freezing cold
  174. >Fall forwards into a pile of snow and just lie there
  175.  
  176. 5/10
  177.  
  178. >Your lips are sore, your head is pounding, your house is trashed, you've ingested 4 different kinds of illegal substance in the last 3 hours, you're lying face down in the snow and you're not wearing pants
  179. >Forget what you said this morning, this holiday is fucking radical.
  180. >Get up and grin
  181. >Feel the sunlight burn your eyes and you clamp them shut
  182. >Oh yeah. That's the stuff
  183. >Walk back inside to put some pants on, refreshed by the facefull of snow
  184. >Fluttershy is passed out in your hallway
  185. >You nudge her with your foot
  186. >"D-did we have sex"
  187. Hell no
  188. >"Oh. Can we?"
  189. Hell no
  190. >"Oh.
  191. >Walk upstairs and pull on some pants
  192. >Turn to your door but Fluttershy is blocking it, a determined look in her eyes
  193. >"Look here, mister. I want to make your first Hearths Warming Eve something to remember."
  194. You want me to remember? Do you have any idea how many drugs i've eaten this morning? I'll be lucky to remember my name after today.
  195. >She growls
  196. >"You WILL go with me to my cottage and we WILL drink coco and we WILL have a lovely time!"
  197. Fuck that. I'm gonna go find Pinkie and get some more of those "pick me ups"
  198. >Fluttershy tackles you to the floor and pins your down while stood over your chest
  199. >"HAVE A MERRY HEARTHS WARMING!"
  200. NO! I WANT TO EAT DRUGS!
  201. >She grabs your collar and starts shaking you violently
  202. >"I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME!"
  203. 9 PONIES BEAT YOU TO IT IN THE LAST 3 HOURS. MY DICK IS SERIOUSLY SORE.
  204. >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH"
  205. >You both start wrestling on your bedroom floor
  206. >Fluttershy forgetting the whole "cottage" thing and skipping straight to the sex
  207. >You trying to crawl to the kitchen to get something to eat
  208.  
  209. 6/10
  210.  
  211. >20 minutes later you're sat at your kitchen table with a glass of water and an icepack on your forehead
  212. >Fluttershy is unconcious on the table
  213. >You sigh and pull on a jacket
  214. >Pick up Fluttershy and carry her upstairs
  215. >Lay her on your bed
  216. >Write her a note and lovingly place it on her nose before kissing her on the forehead
  217. >It reads: "If you raid my fridge, I'll break your spine."
  218. >Walk out the door and head towards Pinkie Pie's Place
  219. >Heh. Alliteration
  220. >Score 3 for Brain
  221. >Walk through the entrance to Sugarcube Corner
  222. >Pinkie Sees you
  223. >"Heya, Anon! Great party, right?"
  224. It was awesome. We have to do it again sometime!
  225. >You and Pinkie spend some more time together before you decide it's time to go
  226. >She stops your just before you leave
  227. >"Wait! Anon, do you... Have somep0ny to spend time with today? Nop0ny should be along on Hearths Warming Eve!"
  228. >She looks at you with big eyes, drooping ears and a trembling lower lip
  229. >This pony.
  230. Pinkie...
  231. >She beams at you
  232. Do you want to hang out?
  233. >"YES!"
  234. >She leaps over the counter and hugs you
  235. I don't get it though, shouldn't you be hanging out with Twilight and the others?
  236. >"Twilight is passed out in the back room, Applejack is busy selling Apples, Rarity is in her basement creating a new dress out of Manticore skin and Rainbow Dash is asleep."
  237. What happened to Twilight?
  238. >"She can't hold a drink, Anon."
  239. >She shakes her head sadly
  240. >"It's sad, really."
  241. I can imagine. Well, lets go then!
  242. >You and Pinkie Pie enjoy the festivities and whatnot for the rest of the day and get back to your house at nightfall, laughing like idiots as you fall through the front door
  243.  
  244. 7/10
  245.  
  246. >"Ohhh Anon. You're such a crack up!"
  247. >You both get up and walk into the kitchen
  248. >Fluttershy is waiting for you
  249. >"Hello, Anon. Hello, Pinkie Pie."
  250. Woah, hey there, Flutters. You feeling better?
  251. >"Oh. I'm quite fine. I'm just confused as to why you would prefer spending the day with Pinkie Pie and not me"
  252. Well, the thing about that is-
  253. >"Am I not good enough for you, Anon? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? HUH?"
  254. Ok, calm dow-
  255. >"IS IT BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACHIEVED MUCH, ANON? BECAUSE I'VE ACHIEVED PLENTY! LOOK!"
  256. >She pulls out a massive sack from under the table
  257. >A massive brown sack full of medals and framed certificates
  258. >"LOOK AT IT ALL, ANON! I CAN BE A WINNER TOO!"
  259. >She starts hurling medals at you
  260. >"HOW ABOUT MOST ADORABLE SMILE? I GOT THAT!"
  261. >Turn to Pinkie
  262. We should get out of here
  263. >"Okie dokie lokie!"
  264. >You both run out the front door
  265. >Fluttershy follows, carrying her sack
  266. >Turn to look over your shoulder
  267. >"LOOK, ANON! I EVEN MADE MYSELF A COSTUME ONCE!"
  268. >She pulls on a costume identical to that of Santa Claus
  269. >Now she's flying overhead throwing certificates at you
  270. >You narrowly avoid a Nobel Prize for Adorableness and run towards Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie
  271. >"HO HO HO! LOOK AT THESE FUCKING MEDALS!"
  272. >You're being chased through a village by a talking horse dressed as Santa Claus who's throwing awards at you
  273. >How is this your life?
  274.  
  275. 8/10
  276.  
  277. >"TIS THE SEASON TO WIN CONTESTS, TRA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA"
  278. >A medal for worst throwing arm hits you in the face as you look over your shoulder
  279. >The irony hurts
  280. >You slam open the door to Sugarcube Corner and throw Pinkie in first by her tail before following her and locking the door from the inside
  281. >You sit with your back to the door
  282. >Look at Pinkie, who's grinning at you and bouncing on the spot
  283. >"What's up, Anny?"
  284. I feel like I've done this before
  285. >Before you can explain you hear a thud on the roof
  286. >Hear footsteps pace all over it
  287. >Stay quiet and motion for Pinkie to do the same
  288. >She thinks you want to play Charades and starts imitating a cinema reel with her hooves then runs on the spot
  289. >Look towards the chimney in the corner
  290. >You don't even remember it being there
  291. >See a bit of soot fall from inside
  292. >Sweat forms on your forehead
  293. >Look back at Pinkie frantically
  294. >She's miming an animal roar silently
  295. >Hear a grunt from the chimney
  296. >You're sweating buckets
  297. >A yellow hoof appears
  298. >Your clothes are now soaking wet and your shoes are filled with sweat
  299. >Fluttershy gracefully lands at the chimney
  300. >And by that you mean she crashes to the foot of it and the sack of accolades follows her, squashing her
  301.  
  302. 9/10
  303.  
  304. >Try to get up
  305. >Slip on the floor, as you are now ankle deep in sweat
  306. >Pinkie is wearing Scuba gear and imitating a chicken
  307. >You try and open the door
  308. >It's locked
  309. >Who the fuck locked it?
  310. >Panic and start hammering your fists on the door as Fluttershy starts slowly wading through the now knee deep sweat towards you, dragging her sack
  311. >You throw yourself against the door, then turn around and fearfully stare at Fluttershy, who is now chest deep.
  312. >"Well well, Anon. Looks like you're trapped. Now, you've had this coming for a long time"
  313. >She reaches into her sack and pulls something out
  314. >OH SHIT OH SHIT
  315. >Slam your eyes shut and prepare for the worst
  316. >"Here you go!"
  317. >Open them
  318. >Fluttershy is smiling at you behind her fuzzy white santa beard
  319. >She hands you a small award
  320. >It's a small statuette of a human striking a pose on a stand
  321. >The stand reads: "Nicest Human"
  322. >Blink
  323. >Look at the Pony, now neck deep in your own sweat at you, who's looking awfully proud of herself
  324. >Look at Pinkie Pie, who is waiting for you to guess what she's mimicking
  325. I don't know what it is, Pinkie Pie.
  326. >"UGH! It's Dramatic Conveinience, of course!"
  327. >On cue, the weight of all the sweat behind it causes the door you're led against to burst open outwards
  328. >You, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie ride the sweat tsunami out of Sugarcube Corner and sit in the snow
  329. >Fluttershy is still grinning from ear to ear
  330. >"S-so are nice awards your fetish?"
  331. >Look down at her
  332. Sure, why not.
  333.  
  334. 10/10
  335. The End
/FLUTTERRAPE/

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