Zoomer in Equestria


                                            >Be zoomer

                                            >Finishing up bench day in the gym with the boys

                                            >Doing the optimum five sets of one, twelve minute rest in-between

                                            "Ayo turn the tunes up"

                                            >The cloudrap on the bluetooth speaker has reached 100 dB

                                            >You unrack the bar

                                            >Back arch: fully engaged, you're essentially doing a bridge

                                            >Let the bar bounce off your ribcage and rack it

                                            >This was a heavy day

                                            >55lbs total

                                            >"Wow man, 8 hours of chilling on the bench and 20 minutes benching, a new record!"

                                            "Yea cuh. We fucked it up"

                                            >As you make your way to the showers for brojobs your entire body begins glowing white

                                            >"Mike what the hell? You on creatine or somm bruh? Always said stay away from that shit"

                                            >The glowing ramps up, it's so bright you have to close your eyes

                                            >Suddenly, Pop!

                                            >You open your eyes and look around

                                            >You're in a fucking cow pen

                                            "What the hell? This shit is so not bussin.Sheeeeesh."

                                            >You pull out your cellular telephone

                                            "No siggy for my niggy?"

                                            >Looking closer, these cows have been staring at you since you arrived

                                            "Whatchu lookin at cuh? This bussy's for my girl (male) and my girl (male) only"

                                            >"Bussy? Young minotaur, why are you in our field at night?"

                                            >"Methinks this one might be a frisky one, ay, mary-anne? Here for some fun, young one?"

                                            >"Oh, hush, Marabel!"

                                            "Ah shit I been smoking too much of that k2, hallucination cows fucking talking again god damn it."

                                            >"Honey, I can assure you we are real. Here, calm down."

                                            >"Heh, how's this for real?"

                                            >One of the two cows sticks her face into your crotch and huffs like a madwoman

                                            "FUCK THIS I'M OUT"

                                            >Once again you sprint away from your demons. Why must you self sabotage yourself always? Is your self-inflicted punishment deserved, or something you enjoy? You have no answer except, once again, to flee.

                                            >"God damn it Marabel, why do you always have to sexually assault the cute ones? This is why we never score."

                                            >"Haha, that's me! Sexual assault! haha! Rape! Hahahaha! It's what I do! Lol I just can't help it!"

                                            >You hear a drawn out sigh behind you

                                            >Hopping the fence of the cow pen, you stop to catch your breath

                                            >After a few minutes you stand up and examine your surroundings

                                            >You can see a dimly lit town in the distance

                                            >Shit looks straight out of Disney

                                            >Disney, man, shit

                                            >Brings you back to your childhood last year

                                            >You fapped to that Instagram influencer's Disney trip for hours

                                            >Consigning yourself to a walk, you head towards town

                                            >>38984469

                                            >Be time

                                            >Be two hours later

                                            >Be ZIE

                                            >Just walked the farthest you've ever walked, approx. 2 miles

                                            >Suddenly, a pink blur shoots into your vision

                                            >"Hey, it's me Pinkie pie andnowI'mgonnatalkreallyfastbbecauseIguessnooneknowshowtowritemeandeveryoneflanderizesmyfuckingcharacter! Ooh, are you new? I should throw you a party! A "Welcome to ponyville party"! And a "Green man" party, too! I love being a three dimensional character and I'm really glad that the one party I throw isn't going to be the last time I'm relevant to the plot! Whipee!"

                                            >Before you have a chance to get a word in edgewise she's zipped away

                                            "Wait, was that a fucking pony? Like from that show fat men watch?"

                                            >Suddenly, twilight walks up

                                            >"Hello! what species are you?"

                                            "My name is-"

                                            >"DID I FUCKING ASK? LET ME REPEAT: DID. I. FUCKING. ASK?"

                                            "n-"

                                            >"Hold that thought, I'm getting a magic signal. Hmm something about you being a deadly poison to Equestria that would rot it from it's very core? And something else, about wanting to wrap a story up?"

                                            >Suddenly, twilight turns around and bucks you in the head

                                            >Your skull instantly caves

                                            >And everyone lived happily after the end