[REQUEST] Anonymous - Fake Limbs


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 13th, 2013

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                                            By the 14 dicks of Slaanesh. This one is a weird one.

                                            Got this request and spent a while thinking about how I could make it work.


                                            "I have a request:

                                            >Anon is a quadriplegic and Lyra keeps stealing his prostheses.

                                            Anon is tired of it and decides to go ask his friends to help him find suitable replacements.

                                            Rarity tries to sew new limbs for anon, AJ tells him he should use apples,...

                                            Eventually he asks Fluttershy out of desperation. She gives him dragon dildos.

                                            It's the best solution that has been offered and he goes with it.

                                            Bonus points if you make it a ponyzord story."


                                            Eventually settled on drinking a massive dosage of Mouth Wash and letting my inebriated mind handle it.

                                            Well, Anonymous. I hope you're pleased with yourself. Because I have absolutely no idea what to make of this one.

                                            Enjoy.

                                            ---


                                            >Day 90 in Equestria

                                            >You are Anon

                                            >Strutting down the road into Ponyvile

                                            >Sigh happily

                                            God damn I love being able to walk


                                            >Day - in Existence

                                            >You are God

                                            >It's so Youdamn boring up here.

                                            >Watching the other universes do their thing

                                            >Wars here

                                            >Peace there

                                            >Oh, that universe just broke reality

                                            >Watch as it sucks itself inwards because it's inhabitants amplified the gravity holding everything together

                                            >Cringe as everything condenses into the size of a grape

                                            >Pick it up

                                            >Glare at it

                                            Fuck you, Universe 4005.

                                            >Throw it in the bin

                                            >Growl and rub your temples

                                            >Decide to look at universe 7325520

                                            >One of the latest ones

                                            >Pick a random point in it and zoom in

                                            >Sit there with a bored expression on your face while you let everything just zoom in

                                            >A planet comes into view

                                            >It's a Small one

                                            >Zoom in through the clouds

                                            >Watch as a human struts down the road

                                            >First of all, he's not allowed in this universe. You'll have to correct that later on.

                                            >Ahh well. You're a bit miffed about Universe 4005. But as long as nothing else goes wrong-

                                            >"God damn I love being able to walk"

                                            WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS, MOTHER FUCKER.

                                            >With a glare and a grunt you remove his legs

                                            >Smugly look at him screaming and trying to get back up

                                            >"OH THE PAIN... Well... At least I still have my arms..."

                                            Nah mate.

                                            >Gone.

                                            >"WHY GOD, WHY?!"

                                            Deal with it, nerd.


                                            >You are Anon

                                            >WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIMBLESS

                                            >You roll around in the dirt for a few minutes

                                            Shit.

                                            >Try and waggle your way along

                                            >Manage to move your stumps and shift a few inches

                                            God Dammit...

                                            >A nearby bird takes flight and shits on you

                                            >You think you hear laughter coming from somewhere, but it might be the wind.

                                            >Lie there for about an hour, coming to terms with your new problem

                                            >The bird shit hardened, so that's some good news.

                                            >All you need to do now is scrape it o- Oh yeah. No hands.

                                            >Sigh

                                            >You someone trotting up the road

                                            >Look around and see a purple pony walking up to you

                                            >Twilight frowns and looks down at you

                                            >"Uhh. Anon? Why do you not have arms or legs?"

                                            I have absolutely no idea.

                                            >"Oh... Are you sure this isn't a human thing?"

                                            Twilight, how can this POSSIBLY benefit me in any way? What reasons can you think of that made you came to the conclusion that this is normal for a human to do?

                                            >"...Reproduction?"

                                            Please help me.

                                            >"Fine."

                                            >She levitates you onto her back

                                            >Without your arms or legs you're a squirming piece of profanity spewing meat.

                                            >An empty shell of a man

                                            >Your god is an angry and merciless god

                                            >Another bird shits on you

                                            >Twilight gets you to the hospital and unceremoniously dumps you infront of a doctor

                                            Ow.

                                            >The Doctor peers at you

                                            Heya, Doc. Any clues?

                                            >"Hmm..."

                                            >He takes a blood sample

                                            >Asks you to cough

                                            >Gives you a mental and physical endurance test

                                            >Listens to your heartbeat

                                            >Tells you about his mother's dementia

                                            >Chats up Twilight

                                            >Secures a date with Twilight

                                            >Remembers you were in the room

                                            >Prods you with a stick

                                            >Scribbles down some notes

                                            >Stands back and takes a good look at you from different angles

                                            >And finally sits back down

                                            So waddya reckon, Doc?

                                            >"I'm afraid to say, in some tragic cosmic event of unparalleled misfortune, you've lost all your limbs. I'm sorry"

                                            >Stare at him, your mood getting fouler with each second

                                            I know that... Doctor... But what can I do about it?

                                            >"Oh. Just use these."

                                            >He picks up a box that was just underneath the table you're sat on

                                            >The box is full of fake limbs

                                            >Human fake limbs

                                            Why do you even have these?

                                            >"I don't know."

                                            >You both stare at each other for a second

                                            >"Do you want some?"

                                            ...Sure

                                            >He affixes an arm to your stump and hits the joint with a shot of magic

                                            >Suddenly you can move the limb

                                            Oh my god, this is amazing!

                                            >You notice some writing on your forearm

                                            >Squint

                                            >"Say my name in vain again and I'll crucify you like I did with my deadbeat son"

                                            Woah.

                                            >10 minutes later you stroll out of hospital, grinning.

                                            >Look up at the sky

                                            Thanks, God.

                                            >A bird shits on you


                                            >Later that day you are walking around, showing off your new limbs

                                            >Pinkie Pie thinks it's the coolest thing ever

                                            >"Ohmygosh! They're like, the coolest thing ever!"

                                            Yeah, they are. And best of all, they're all mine! The Doc said I could have the box since I'm the only creature that needs them.

                                            >"Cool! Wanna eat cupcakes!"

                                            Yes. Yes I do.

                                            >You both indulge in cupcakes and laugh about your new limbs.

                                            >The door to Sugarcube Corner opens

                                            >Think nothing of it

                                            >Hear someone mouthbreathing near you

                                            >Turn around

                                            >A mint-coloured pony is staring open mouthed at you

                                            >"Are those... Fake hands?"

                                            Uhh. Yeah?

                                            >"D-do you have more?"

                                            Sure. Got a whole box of them. Why?

                                            >"Oh g-good. So you won't miss this one"

                                            >She grabs your arm with her mouth and before you can do anything, tears it off

                                            >You scream in pain, the magical link severing violently

                                            >Magical residue drips from where the arm was once stuck to, like glowing blue blood

                                            >The Mint-pone giggles with the arm in her mouth and runs out the door

                                            >Pinkie Pie is staring at your arm

                                            What was her problem?

                                            >...

                                            Pinkie Pie?

                                            >"Bluh... Blood..."

                                            It's not really blood, it's-

                                            >Pinkie Pie falls over and slams her head on the table, followed by her slumping off her chair and onto the floor

                                            ...Magic.

                                            >You sigh, pick her up, and carry her up to her room with one arm

                                            >At least fake arms don't get tired.

                                            >Rest her on her bed and stroke her mane, thinking of your lost arm

                                            >Decide that there's no point wallowing around in self-pity, and you hope that Minty has fun with the arm.

                                            >Walk back downstairs and out the door, grunting to the shocked looking Cake family on the way out

                                            >Ponies stare at where your arm should be, blue ooze trickling out from it

                                            >Oh well. Thank god you can at least walk again

                                            >You lunge to the side at that thought and watch as a bird shits in the place you once were

                                            AHA! SUCK IT, GOD!

                                            >An Eagle divebombs out of the sky and with a shriek, tears off your other arm

                                            >You stand there, drippling blue stuff out of your stumps.

                                            Yeah... I deserved that.

                                            >Walk home and use your mouth to open the door

                                            >Thankfully you didn't lock it

                                            >Walk upstairs and equip a new set of arms

                                            >Smile at yourself in the mirror

                                            >Stare at yourself, your hands on your hips

                                            >Lose the smile

                                            Wait, how the hell did I even do that?

                                            >You try and ponder this when a knock on the door sounds

                                            >Plod downstairs and open it

                                            >Minty.

                                            Uhh. Hi. Enjoying the arm?

                                            >"Yeah. I guess. But it's missing something."

                                            What?

                                            >"THE REST OF THE SET!"

                                            >Before you can stop her she runs through your legs and up the stairs

                                            >While you're trying to figure out what happened your upstairs window explodes and your box of fake-limbs falls out

                                            >Minty faceplants after it

                                            >She hastily picks herself up and gathers everything in the box

                                            >She looks back at you, breathing heavily

                                            >You're just so fucking confused you can't even speak

                                            >She runs off down the road, taking one look back at you

                                            >You're still holding the door open and staring slackjawed at her

                                            >She thinks for a second

                                            >Then you feel magic tear your left arm off

                                            FUCKING SHIT.

                                            >Minty runs away, cackling madly

                                            >You sigh and head back into Ponyville

                                            >Maybe Rarity can help you


                                            >"Moi? Make arms? Ahh. I suppose I can give it a shot. Though Twilight would be the better Unicorn for the job., really."

                                            >She trots off, you following her into her 'creativity' room

                                            >She takes some measurements and one musical number later has crafted a stuffed humanish looking arm

                                            >She stitched it to your stump as well

                                            >You didn't even realise it while she was singing about the "Art of Fake Limbs"

                                            >She stands back and smiles at you

                                            >"There we are, darling!"

                                            >You look at it

                                            >Try to move it

                                            >It wiggles a little

                                            >Good enough

                                            Thanks, Rarity. I appreciate it.

                                            >You walk out while Rarity carries on singing

                                            >You realise as you walk towards Applejack's farm that you are now a patchwork abomination of Flesh, Plastic and Cloth.

                                            >How horrifying.

                                            >Applejack sees you walking up her farm, looking like the bastard child of Frankenstein and Discord.

                                            >"Uhh. Anon? That you?"

                                            Yeah. You got anything to eat?

                                            >"S-sure... You want apples, right? Not pony flesh or nothin'?"

                                            Nahh. Though I haven't had meat in a while...

                                            >You pretend to think hard about it

                                            >Applejack takes a step back, a fearful look in her eye

                                            >Laugh

                                            Relax, AJ. I'm not going to eat you.

                                            >She breathes out a sigh of relief

                                            >"Whoo! Sorry, Anon. Can't be too careful. Plus ya' don't exactly look foal-friendly."

                                            I can imagine. Now how about that food?

                                            >She smiles and kicks the lid off a nearby barrel

                                            >"Apple?"

                                            >30 seconds later you're on the floor screaming in pain

                                            >Your limbs are on fire

                                            >Applejack's hat has gone missing

                                            >The corpses of a hundred slain mole-people lie around the farm

                                            >Applejack is breathing heavily, holding a bloodstained pitchfork

                                            >"AH'M SORRY, ANON! AH DIDN'T SEE THEM COMING!"

                                            >The general of the mole-people glares at you both

                                            >"WE SHALL RETURN, PONY! STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE! AND THIS TIME, YOU AND YOUR PET PATCHWORK HORROR WON'T BE HERE TO STOP US! THE WORLD WILL BE OURS!"

                                            >He scrambles back underground

                                            >Applejack looks down at you sorrowfully

                                            >"Ah'm so so sorry..."

                                            It's... Fine... I need help, though...

                                            >"W-where do you need to go?"

                                            Hospita-

                                            >"AH KNOW! FLUTTERSHY!"

                                            Fuck.

                                            >She picks you up and runs towards Fluttershy with you balanced precariously on her back

                                            >After a bumpy ride and several falls off Applejack's back, you're dumped at Fluttershy's feet

                                            >"FIX 'IM!"

                                            >"O-oh my..."

                                            Can you people PLEASE stop throwing me on the floor?

                                            >Fluttershy smiles down at you

                                            >"S-so what do you need help with, Anon?"

                                            I HAVEN'T GOT ANY FUCKING LIMBS, YOU GODDAMN AUTIST.

                                            >A nearby bird flies off it's perch near Fluttershy door and shits on you

                                            FUCKIN-

                                            >Fluttershy gets an idea

                                            >You can tell because her face lights up, she gasps, and she quivers slightly, followed by the sound of something splashing against the floor

                                            >"I-I'VE GOT IT!"

                                            >She flies upstairs, Applejack tries to wipe the bird shit off your face

                                            >Fluttershy returns with a box full of absolutely massive dildos

                                            >They're the size of limbs

                                            >OH GOD

                                            You must be fucking joking.

                                            >"N-now hold s-still, Anon"

                                            >She takes out some superglue and starts pouring it on the bases of the dildos

                                            APPLEJACK! SAVE ME!

                                            >"It's fer ya' own good, Anon. I'm sorry. But you need limbs."

                                            >Fluttershy begins pressing the glue-covered dildos where your limbs were

                                            >The magical link reaches out from your stumps and grabs onto them, securing them in place

                                            >You move your foot, now a giant black stallion dick

                                            >The flat end of the dick serves as the foot

                                            >As for your arms, well, you'll have to get used to hooves.

                                            >Fluttershy stands back and admires her work

                                            >"T-there. Now why don't you try it out?"

                                            >She turns around and presents herself

                                            >Hell naw

                                            >You turn and run out that door with your new dildo limbs bending like normal limbs

                                            >They're also surprisingly bouncy

                                            >You have a natural spring to your step now

                                            >Maybe this won't be so-

                                            >"HUUUUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

                                            >By god

                                            >Bird shit hits your face

                                            >You turn around and see a legion of mole-people, along with a new army of Diamond Dogs, all carrying planks of wood with nails in them

                                            So. It's come to this, has it?

                                            >"MY PEOPLE CRY OUT FOR YOUR BLOOD, HUMAN. AND THEY SHALL HAVE IT!"

                                            >You feel the dildos pulse

                                            >Raise an arm towards them

                                            >Concentrate

                                            >And fire

                                            >The dildo fires a large stream of white hot plasma

                                            >At least you hope it's plasma

                                            >Whatever it was, it completely dissolves the Mole General

                                            >At that, both armies charge, and the battle Equestria begins

                                            >Plasma flies everwhere

                                            >Screaming and cries of "SQUAD BROKEN" fill the air

                                            >You stand on a pile of dead Diamond Dogs and Moles, blasting anything that tries to move you like some kind of erotic Doom ripoff.

                                            >You punch a Dog in the face, the dildo going straight through his skull

                                            >You quiver at the sensation and more plasma shoots out of the arm that went though, melting the Mole behind the now dead Dog

                                            >Watch as the armies scatter and run before you, fleeing to their holes and filling them before you can go down there and purge them like the filth that they are.

                                            >Raise a limb to the sky

                                            VICTORY!

                                            >Ponies cheer and clap

                                            >Fluttershy hugs you

                                            >"Oh Anon! You saved us! How can we ever repay you?"

                                            Just doing my duty, Fluttershy.

                                            >With that, the dildos speak to you

                                            >"We are ready"

                                            >Nodding, you point your arms at the floor, a steady stream of white stuff propelling you skyward

                                            >You soar through the clouds and towards the stratosphere

                                            >You leave the planet's orbit and drift through space, searching for another planet to liberate from the forces of evil

                                            >Your duty is fulfilled, and the cycle is complete


                                            >Back on the ground, Applejack takes off her hat and tearfully watches you leave for outer-space

                                            >"God bless you, Anon."

                                            >Bird shit hits her in the face


                                            The End

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                                            Fucking Requests.