[REQUEST] Anonymous - Presenter


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: June 16th, 2013

                                            ---


                                            Anon is a presenter on a kids tv show. Like most of them, he's trying to hide his assorted plethora of vices from the public and the camera.


                                            Enter Fluttershy, his new, rookie co-presenter, who seemingly has no qualms with attempting to put Anon in compromising situations involving both of their crotches, and often the fillies and colts that join them on the show.


                                            I request a story about the most sordid of these episodes. Possibly the one that finally gets Anon fired.


                                            ---


                                            >"Goodbye Mister Anon!"

                                            >The audience starts clapping enthusiastically as you smile and wave

                                            >Walk off the set as the show ends

                                            >The lights dim, cameras go off and the audience is escorted out for refreshments and backstage autographs

                                            >A feeling of relief

                                            >You are Anon

                                            >And your job is to entertain fillies and colts

                                            >It's a small little business, but successful.

                                            >When you first arrived here, you found that you had a knack for entertainment.

                                            >It was weird.

                                            >No matter how hard you tried to tell the kids to fuck off, they kept coming back.

                                            >It didn't take long for the kids in the area to love you

                                            >Parents would leave their little ones with you and you'd entertain the FUCK out of those little bastards. Even taught some a few new curse words while you were at it.

                                            >"Mister Anon? Could you sign this for me?"

                                            >You look down and see a colt offering you a Wonderbolts cap

                                            >You sign it in black marker and look to the group of foals nearby

                                            Next?

                                            >"Sign my shirt!"

                                            >"Sign my ball!"

                                            >"Sign my sister!"

                                            >"Sign me!"

                                            >You scribble your name over everything handed to you

                                            >Put down the filly you were holding and she runs off, giggling with delight

                                            >Your name adorns her butt

                                            >Heh.

                                            >Reach your room and nudge open the door

                                            >A picture of you and the staff greets you on your table

                                            >Pick it up and glower at it

                                            >It's you with the 4 other unlucky bastards that make up the crew running this show

                                            >There's you, Mister Waddle the Camera Pony, Snowflake the PR guy, Bon Bon your personal assistant, and finally Jurgen.

                                            >Jurgen was... Odd.

                                            >He was a griffon, firstly. Could barely speak English/Equestrian and was only here because he needed a job

                                            >But he became a part of the family soon enough. He's much more gentle than he looks

                                            >He's as big as Snowflake, who you swear eats steroids for breakfast.

                                            >The oversized chicken mostly just helps out with cooking and looking after the kids before and after the show

                                            >Hear a knock on the door

                                            Enter.

                                            >Bon Bon pokes her head around the door

                                            >"Hey there, Anon! Great show, as usual. No complaints from anyone.

                                            Fuck. So we have to do another one tomorrow?

                                            >She giggles

                                            >"Oh Anon, you're hilarious! There's something else, though."

                                            >Root around in your draw for some chewing gum

                                            Yeah? Go on, I'm listening, just gotta... Where IS that gum?...

                                            >"She's been trying to get in contact for a while, but we've just been so busy that she hasn't had chance to meet you

                                            >Find the gum

                                            >Happily pop a stick in your mouth

                                            >Offer some to Bon Bon

                                            >She bites her lip then grabs one

                                            >"You're not helping my diet, Anon..."

                                            >She's smiling anyway

                                            You were saying, about this mare?

                                            >"Oh yeah. She wants to join to crew. Remember that add you put out for a co-host when you were drunk and high at the same time 3 weeks ago?"

                                            Uhhh, didn't we like, take that down?

                                            >"Nope. To be honest I'm surprised anyone could read it, let alone take the job offer"

                                            What did I say the salary would be?

                                            >"Back rubs and hoof massages."

                                            >Stare at her

                                            >"You were REALLY drunk, Anon"

                                            I'm more amazed that someone still took the job offer. What kind of mentally unstable fuckwit would want to be paid in back rubs?

                                            >God fucking dammit.

                                            >It's the next day

                                            >You stare down at the mare

                                            >She hides behind her mane and remains perfectly silent

                                            So, Fluttershy, is it?

                                            >"Um. Y-meammum-..."

                                            >She trails off and starts mumbling

                                            Uhh, what makes you think you're right for the job, Fluttershy?

                                            >She gets a small smile and looks up at you with a shadow of confidence

                                            >"M-my friends said that I'm good with kids once! A-and I love taking care of little creatures."

                                            >Well, at least she agrees with you that all children are uncivilised animals.

                                            Alright, you DO realise that you won't actually be paid anything, right?

                                            >"Of course! I have enough money as it is. I'm the town vet you know!"

                                            You serious?

                                            >She nods

                                            >You've been here for a year and yet you'd never even seen her

                                            No, I mean, -really-? I've been here for a while. How come we've never met?

                                            >"O-oh... Um, well... I was too shy..."

                                            >No kidding

                                            >Sigh

                                            Well, Fluttershy. This is just a temporary position, so don't cross your fingers just yet.

                                            >She cocks her head in confusion

                                            Hooves then.

                                            >She smiles

                                            >"W-when do I start?"

                                            Right now.

                                            >"What?"

                                            Mister Waddle! Are the cameras set up?

                                            >The senile pony hobbles over to a camera and sits down on his comfy seat

                                            >He taps a few switches, and mumbles to himself

                                            >He takes off his glasses, cleans them, then puts them back on

                                            >Then chuckles when he realises that the "Camera" was actually Jurgen

                                            >"Sorry, sonny!"

                                            >Jurgen looks down at the little pony with a face like thunder, that is, his default face

                                            >"Da."

                                            >He picks up Waddle and places him on his seat behind the camera

                                            >Satisfied, he walks out the room to collect the kids

                                            >Waddle fumbles around for a second, then you see a light flash on top of the camera

                                            >"Ready and waiting, Captain Anonymous!"

                                            >Huff and walk over to the set, Fluttershy skulking behind you

                                            >"W-w-we have to do this now? Without... Practice?"

                                            They're just kids, Fluttershy. Think of them as cute little balloons filled with blood and unshattered dreams.

                                            >You look towards the camera, Bon Bon is stood next to Waddle and gives you a nod

                                            >Show time.

                                            >The show tune rings out through the small room, and the 15 or so foals sat on their wooden benches cheer

                                            >This seems to have a positive effect on Fluttershy, and she perks right up at the sound of them

                                            >You, on the other hand, die a little on the inside

                                            >Force a smile onto your face and drown your rapidly growing insanity in happy thoughts

                                            Welcome! Welcome all to another episode of Rise And Shine! I'm your host, Anonymous!

                                            >The foals cheer

                                            >1 minute down, 29 to go. You can do this, Anon.

                                            Today we have a very special guest! I'd like to introduce our new co-host, Fluttershy!

                                            >The kids cheer again

                                            >Shudder

                                            Fluttershy, why don't you introduce yourself?

                                            >She steps forward, empowered by her audience

                                            >"Hello, little ones! I'm Fluttershy!"

                                            >"HIYA, FLUTTERSHY!"

                                            >She giggles

                                            >"I'm going to be helping Anonymous with the show! Doesn't that sound like fun?"

                                            >"YEAH!"

                                            >She's a natural

                                            >How horrifying.

                                            >The show progresses and Fluttershy practically takes the lead, jumping on any questions asked with a flair that you struggle to match

                                            >Every single foal in the audience is captivated by her gentle voice and serene grace

                                            >You, on the other hand, are trying to work out how you'll trick her into taking the lead role on the show so that you can get the fuck out of here for good

                                            >As everything winds down, you and your new co-host wave to the audience

                                            >The closing jingle sounds, the cameras go off, and the foals are escorted out

                                            Holy shit.

                                            >Turn to Fluttershy

                                            That was awesome.

                                            >She blushes

                                            >"I-I couldn't have done it if you weren't there for me, cheering me on..."

                                            >Nigga what

                                            I didn't actually do any of that, but I don't care. Saaay, how would you like to... Shall we say... 'replace me'?

                                            >She gasps

                                            >"Oh no! I couldn't do that!"

                                            Are you sure? You're better than this than I am.

                                            >"I could never..."

                                            You'll get paid actual money

                                            >"No thank you..."

                                            You clearly enjoy doing this-

                                            >"N-no"

                                            You'll be famous!

                                            >"No-

                                            TAKE THE JOB!

                                            >"NEVER!"

                                            >Bon Bon enters the room and looks towards the stage

                                            >What she sees is a human grappling with the new recruit, trying to force a written contract down her throat

                                            >"SIGN THE FUCKING CONTRACT!"

                                            >"I NEED AN ADULT!"

                                            >"YOU ARE AN ADULT YOU GOD DAMN RETARD"

                                            >Bon Bon sighs

                                            >Shakes her head

                                            >And goes to fetch Snowflake

                                            >You've managed to get half of the contract into her mouth

                                            >She's a fighter, though

                                            SIGN IT. RELEASE ME FROM THIS PRISON!

                                            >"GUUURRRGLLLUURRRGL"

                                            >Feel a pair of oversized hooves tear you off the pegasus

                                            >Twist your head to behold a slightly more irate pony, who is boring a hole into your soul with his red eyes

                                            >"ANONYMOUS. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING."

                                            Trying to end my suffering?

                                            >"THAT WAS HILARIOUS. BUT YOU CAN'T GO AROUND FORCING PIECES OF PAPER UPON INNOCENT MARES. NOT EVERY PONY IS INTO THAT KIND OF THING"

                                            Please stop shouting at me, Snowflake

                                            >"I'M NOT SHOUTING. THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE."

                                            >Sigh

                                            >Break free from his grasp

                                            So... We have to do another show tomorrow then? No chance of the show being cancelled due to horrible ratings?

                                            >"ACTUALLY THIS SHOW WAS THE BEST WE'VE EVER DONE. YOU'RE A GENIUS FOR FINDING THIS NEW MARE, ANONYMOUS. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP. THE RATINGS WERE THROUGH THE ROOF"

                                            Fuck.

                                            >"SAME TIME TOMORROW?"

                                            If I don't die on the way to work, sure.

                                            >You dust yourself off and stroll out the building to go home and brood

                                            >Pass a group of foals

                                            >"Mister Anon! Can we have an autograph?"

                                            >Spit at them

                                            >A filly jumps up with the agility of a panther and catches the spit on a wad of tissue

                                            >"Real life Anon spit! Yaaaaay!"

                                            >What the fuck, man.

                                            >It's the next day

                                            >Stare at yourself in the mirror

                                            Why do you hate me, God?

                                            >Sigh

                                            >The condensation forms the words "You didn't donate enough at church" on the mirror

                                            >Blink

                                            >It's gone

                                            >Fucking mysterious ways

                                            >Finish your routine and drag yourself to the studio where your overly friendly crew, adoring fans and eager new partner await you

                                            >The blackest hells don't compare to your life

                                            >Push open the doors and lumber onwards to your dressing room

                                            >To your surprise, Fluttershy awaits you

                                            Mornin'.

                                            >"Hey there, handsome."

                                            >...

                                            >Open your mouth

                                            >Close it

                                            >Try again

                                            >Nope

                                            >...

                                            What?

                                            >"I-I said, hey there, handsom-"

                                            I know what you said, but what?

                                            >"Well when you were grappling with me yesterday..."

                                            >She walks past you and closes the door

                                            >Then turns to you and leans in uncomfortably close

                                            >"Those strong hands... Those toned muscles... That-"

                                            >She sniffs the air around you

                                            >"Scent. It got me thinking. Maybe we can have some fun before we go on screen? You still need to pay me for yesterday, after all"

                                            >Your brain shrugs

                                            >"I got nothin', man."

                                            >Well shit

                                            Uhh, no. I'll say no to that.

                                            >Fluttershy pouts

                                            >"Please?"

                                            No.

                                            >"Pleeease?"

                                            No, and we aren't doing this back and forth "no" thing, either. Now get the hell out of my room and let me prepare for another day hell, please.

                                            >Fluttershy lets out a frustrated sigh and flies out of your room, giving you one last hungry look before shutting the door behind her

                                            >Weird horse, that one.

                                            >You prepare accordingly for the daily show

                                            >4 shots of Canterlot Whiskey

                                            >Wipe your mouth and slap yourself

                                            >Nod a few times

                                            >Stretch your face into a smile

                                            >Ready to go.

                                            >Step out of your room and towards the studio

                                            >Bon Bon is scribbling down a few notes, and nods as you walk in

                                            >"All set?"

                                            Yup.

                                            >She nods again and trots out of the room

                                            >She returns shortly with Jurgen

                                            >The griffon turns to the kids

                                            >"You sit here. Go. NOW!"

                                            >The foals scamper past him and take their seats

                                            >"You all be quiet. You do not laff, you do not smile, you do nah'ting oontil Jurgen tells you so. Da?"

                                            >The kids all eagerly nod

                                            >"Good. You can now all laugh and smile. Jurgen must go to prepare lunch for puny leetle pohnies."

                                            >The foals cheer as he waddles away

                                            >Waddle pats the camera and smiles at you

                                            I'm over here, Waddle.

                                            >He stops waving at the chair and turns to you

                                            >"Oh yeah. Ready to go, Captain!"

                                            I told you to stop calling me that you senile old f-

                                            >"Anonymous!"

                                            >Turn to see Fluttershy on set

                                            >She pats the seat next to her

                                            >Then smiles sweetly

                                            >Groan and trudge over

                                            Let's get this over with

                                            >Her smile widens

                                            >"This is going to be... Fun."

                                            >Bullshit.

                                            >You had fun once

                                            >And it was nothing like this

                                            >The camera's light goes red

                                            >The lights come on

                                            >The show jingle resounds

                                            >The kids cheer

                                            >Notice how repetitive that was? Try to avoid saying 'The' each new line, dear reader.

                                            >See? These stories can be educational as well!

                                            >Take a deep breath

                                            Welcome! Welcome to another exciting instalment of Rise and Shine! I'm Anonymous and this is my lovely assistant Fluttershy!

                                            >Fluttershy chirps along after you without missing a beat

                                            >"Today we're going to be learning about intimacy!"

                                            Exactly! Intimacy is a- wait, what?

                                            >"When two ponies love each other very much, they become intimate! Cheer if you have a mummy and daddy that love each other!"

                                            >The audience cheers

                                            >A orange foal with purple hair starts crying

                                            >Fluttershy continues merrily while you stare at the side of her face in horror

                                            >"Now, when your mummy and daddy loved each other enough, they all made you!"

                                            >The audience 'oooohs'

                                            Fluttershy, what are you doing?

                                            >"Who wants to learn where foals come from?"

                                            >Each and every foal start saying "Me"

                                            >And also Mister Waddle for some reason

                                            >Creepy bastard

                                            >Frantically look around for Bon Bon

                                            >She's stood watching this with a look of panic on her face

                                            >Jerk your head towards Fluttershy and shrug

                                            >She doesn't respond

                                            >Instead, she faints

                                            >Oh shit.

                                            >Fluttershy places a hoof on your arm, startling you

                                            >"Myself and Anonymous love each other very much! So we'll demonstrate!"

                                            You what, mate?

                                            >Fluttershy glues her lips to yours

                                            >Flail around madly and fall backwards off your chair, Fluttershy's face still pressed against you

                                            >She makes creepy moaning noise while she cleans the inside of your mouth with her tongue

                                            >Jesus fucking Christ this is horrible

                                            >Pry her off and gasp for air

                                            >The audience is laughing maniacally

                                            >Fluttershy returns to her seat and smiles

                                            >"And that is just a small part of what makes a foal! Why don't you all try now!"

                                            WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY- OH DEAR LORD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

                                            >Every foal in the audience is sloppily making out with each other

                                            >Colts with Fillies

                                            >Fillies with Colts

                                            >Colts with Colts and Fillies with Fillies

                                            >The rational part of your brain turns off while it processes the influx of data

                                            >You stare slack jawed as your audience of 6 year olds devolves into prepubescent sexual debauchery

                                            >Fluttershy starts stroking your dick through your pants

                                            >"Maybe we can have some fun as well, Anonymous? We still need to show the world how foals are made"

                                            >She tackles you off your seat again and pins you down

                                            >"I want you inside me, you sexy beast"

                                            OH NO

                                            >"OH YES!"

                                            OH NO.

                                            >A nearby wall explodes as Snowflake rampages through the brickwork and sends debris into the audience, colliding with several foals and knocking Mister Waddle off his perch

                                            >"OOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHH"

                                            >He charges over to you and bucks Fluttershy right in the face

                                            >The force of a 2 ton musclebound mega-horse kicking her sends the poor pegasus reeling backwards and into the audience, where she is then crushed under a pile of foals trying to "make babies" with her

                                            You reap what you sow, you son of a bitch

                                            >Snowflake pats you on the back

                                            >"THAT WAS A GOOD ONE LINER, ANONYMOUS. BUT I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE."

                                            No kidding?

                                            >"NO. NO KIDDING AT ALL. ALL OF PONYVILLE NOW WANTS YOU DEAD FOR SEXAULLY MOLESTING THEIR CHILDREN"

                                            Fucking A. What do we do?

                                            >"MOUNT ME, ANONYMOUS. I SHALL TAKE YOU TO SAFETY"

                                            >Jump on the flying protein shake's back and hold on tight as he launches himself into the air, his little wings buzzing away

                                            >Down below, a horde of angry mares and stallions converge on the studio, most likely brutalising any unfortunate ponies inside

                                            >As for you, you take a deep breath and rest your weary head on Snowflake's back

                                            Where do we go now, Snowflake?

                                            >"WHERE EVER THE WIND TAKES US, ANONYMOUS"

                                            >He looks towards the horizon with a stoic look on his face

                                            >"WHERE EVER THE WIND TAKES US."


                                            The End