[ANON IN EQUESTRIA] Policemanon


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: November 25th, 2013

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                                            Well this sure as hell ain't Flutterrape.

                                            It's something that cropped up during a late night video game session between me and two other guys you've probably never heard of.


                                            :3c

                                            ---

                                            >Day Enforcement in Equestria.

                                            >Wake up.

                                            >Jump out of bed and begin your morning stretches.

                                            >Walk downstairs and crack open a few eggs into a glass.

                                            >Stare at it.

                                            >Frown.

                                            >Empty it in a bin.

                                            >Reach into your cupboard and instead pull out the only food you'll ever need.

                                            >Doughnuts.

                                            >Stuff them down your gullet and stomp back upstairs to have a shower.

                                            >Clean yourself, brush your teeth and get dressed.

                                            >On your way out the door, you pluck your trusty hat from the stand and attach your baton to your belt.

                                            >Fling open the door and squint as the sun hits you in the face.

                                            >Step onto the front step and and put your hands on your hips, staring at the townsfolk.

                                            >One of them catches your eye and freezes.

                                            >"Oh Celestia. Not again!"

                                            >He takes off running.

                                            >Loosen your baton and wrap your fingers around it, the handle providing a good grip.

                                            >Point it at the fleeing stallion.

                                            "STOP! IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!"

                                            >You are Anonymous.

                                            >Law Enforcement Officer.


                                            >Sprint after the stallion, who is galloping away as fast as he can.

                                            >Thunder down the road after him, your arms and legs pumping, fuelled by the oncoming storm of justice you're about to deliver to the pony.

                                            >Hurl your baton after him.

                                            >It slams into the back of his head, causing him to crumple to the ground, groaning and clutching his noggin.

                                            >Waste no time in body slamming him.

                                            >He moans in pain, muttering under his breath.

                                            "Alright, sunshine. Let's take you down to the station."

                                            >"But I didn't do anything!"

                                            "Likely story."

                                            >Grab him by the scruff of his neck and start dragging him towards the Ponyville police station.


                                            1/?


                                            >The ponies watching gawp at you.

                                            >Tip your hat at them.

                                            "Remain calm, citizens. The individual has been dealt with accordingly."

                                            >The stallion mutters something under his breath.

                                            >You take this as a dangerous verbal assault and crack him over the head with your baton.

                                            >He goes limp.

                                            >Sling him over your shoulder and carry him the rest of the way.


                                            >"Sergeant Barred! It's the human again."

                                            "Oh for the love of all that is holy. What NOW?!"

                                            >"He's arrested a citizen on charges of... uhh..."

                                            "Well? What? Spit it out, boy!"

                                            >"I don't know, sir."

                                            >Grumble and slide out of your chair.

                                            >That human has been nothing but trouble since he got here.

                                            >It was great at first, he cleaned up the streets real nice.

                                            >...Of innocent civilians.

                                            >Step into the front of the station and glare at the towering ape looming over everyone else, wearing a stupid looking paper hat.

                                            >An unconcious pony is slumped over his shoulder.

                                            "Well? How do you explain yourself this time?!"

                                            >Anonymous clears his throat.

                                            >"I caught this one making menacing remarks in public, Sergeant. He was no doubt plotting something against the Mayor, and is most likely in league with the South Equestria drug runners."

                                            >Your jaw goes slack.

                                            "Wh-wh-WHAT? What did you just say? DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF SPEAK!?"

                                            >He motions for your to calm down with a hand.

                                            >"Sir, if you don't back off, I'm going to have to arrest you for murder."

                                            "WHAT?"

                                            >"Right. That's it!"

                                            >He grips his baton and points it at you.

                                            >"I'm taking you down to the station."

                                            "WE'RE IN THE STATION, YOU FUCKING IMBE--"

                                            >THWACK.


                                            2/?


                                            >Dust off your hands and grimace at the room of broken and battered ponies.

                                            >Such a shame that they all turned out to be part of a terrorist cell seeking to undermine the economy and supply arms to religious fanatics stationed in Canterlot.

                                            >But the law is the law, and they had to be taken down.

                                            >Pick up the closest body and drag it to the cell block.

                                            >Once all the ponies are locked up and secure, you fill out the necessary paper work.

                                            >Thirty seconds later, you behold your handiwork.

                                            >'Sergeant Barred : Was a cunt. Smacked him one.'

                                            >'Other ponies: Partners in cuntery.'

                                            >Nod in satisfaction.

                                            >No time to waste in here though, the streets are teeming with crime, and you won't stand for it.

                                            >Glance out the windows at the filth ridden streets of Ponyville.

                                            >Foals play in the sun and parents chat without a care in the world nearby.

                                            >Shake your head in sadness.

                                            >Times were once simpler. You could walk down the road without watching your back.

                                            >Stand up, making sure your trusty baton is affixed to your side.

                                            >It's saved your life more times that you can imagine.

                                            >When you first got here, you were viciously assaulted by three crack-addicted midgets raving about "Goo-dey Narks".

                                            >Luckily, your baton was at hand to deliver justice.

                                            >And freedom.

                                            >Can't forget about freedom.

                                            >Stroll out of the station, your eyes scanning for any suspicious activity.

                                            >A ball lands at your feet.

                                            >Look down at it.

                                            >Doesn't appear to be an IED.

                                            >Pick it up and look around.

                                            >Feel a tug on your pants.

                                            >"E-excuse me? Could I have my ball back?"

                                            >Peer down at a colt, who must be no more than five years old, nervously eyeing the ball in your hand.

                                            >Narrow your eyes at him.

                                            "You have a permit for this ball?"

                                            >"A... What?"

                                            "A permit. Don't mess me around kid, this is a potentially dangerous weapon. I need to see a permit."

                                            >You squeeze the ball, making it do a funny squeaking noise in response.


                                            3/?


                                            >The colt doesn't know what to do.

                                            >"I don't... Ummm. Please? Could I have my ball?"

                                            "Why so eager? What's the ball to you? Are you hiding something?"

                                            >Suddenly, it clicks.

                                            "Oooh. Now it all makes sense. What's in the ball, kid? Speed? Kush? A bit of 'Special Sauce'?"

                                            >The foal starts crying.

                                            >All you hear is a criminal cracking under pressure.

                                            "Alright, tough guy, you're coming with me."

                                            >Grab him by his head and carry him into the station.

                                            >Label the bright pink star-covered ball as 'illegal substance' and throw the kid in a cell with the other crooks.

                                            >Damn. The cells sure are filling up quickly today.


                                            >Walking back to the streets, you notice a commotion near the town hall.

                                            >Murder? Arson? Terrorists?

                                            >Your palms are sweaty just thinking about it.

                                            >Making your way towards the crowd, you hear cheering.

                                            >A fight ring? In Ponyville?!

                                            >You never thought you'd see the day.

                                            >Looking over the top of the crowd, you see a much larger, more regal looking pony smiling and waving at the others.

                                            >Your eyes widen.

                                            >Her beauty is paramount, mane shimmering in the morning sun and coat as pure and white as chiselled marble.

                                            >A serene laugh escapes her lips, though the context of it matters not. The voice of an angel follows, her words meaningless to you but her calm, kind, yet authoritative tone fills you with reverence.

                                            >This pony is the single most majestic creature you have ever laid eyes on, and you find yourself staring unblinking at her. Studying her every little movement and utterance with intense concentration.

                                            >This must be the one they worship so readily. This must be whom the residents of Ponyville regard above all others.

                                            >This must be Celestia.


                                            4/?


                                            >Pushing aside those around you, you walk towards her, the crowd moving out of your way.

                                            >Their movements cause Celestia to lay eyes on you.

                                            >Those eyes hold secrets that you cannot possibly fathom. A deep wisdom instilled after a long rulership that--

                                            "You got a licence for that horn?"

                                            >She blinks.

                                            >The crowd goes silent.

                                            >A wry smile appears on her lips.

                                            >"I don't believe we've met. My name is Princess Celes--"

                                            "Don't dodge the question, sweetheart. You got a license for that?"

                                            >You tap her horn twice with your baton.

                                            >The crowd gasps, and Celestia's entire body shudders as you tap her horn.

                                            "That's a dangerous weapon, that is. Must be at least fifteen inches long. You could do some harm with that. Come on, permit. Let's see it."

                                            >"I'm... Sorry if I have offended you--"

                                            "Come on, sunshine, I haven't got all day."

                                            >Tap her horn again.

                                            >Several ponies in the crowd gasp.

                                            >Celestia shudders once more.

                                            >"Please, d-don't do that."

                                            "What. Tap it? What's the problem?"

                                            >Another tap.

                                            >She quivers in return.

                                            >Oh god.

                                            >The coked up druggy must be addicted to it.

                                            "Oh, I get it now. It's a--"

                                            >"Here! Just look!"

                                            >To your honest surprise, Celestia pulls out an extremely worn looking slip of paper.

                                            >You take it from her and look over the details, looking up every now and again at the princess.

                                            >She shuffles uncomfortably under your judging gaze.

                                            "This photo doesn't match your description."

                                            >"I-it's an old photograph. My mane has changed colour since then."

                                            "How old, exactly?"

                                            >Celestia gulps.

                                            >"Th-three thousand years old."

                                            >Pull out a notepad and start writing her up.

                                            "Identification must be kept up to date at all times, and photo ID must be updated every two to five years."

                                            >Put away your notepad and grip your baton.

                                            "I'm taking you down to the station."


                                            5/?


                                            >The crowd is completely gobsmacked.

                                            >Like you just insulted a god, or something.

                                            >"I... You cannot arrest -me-!"

                                            "Ooooh really? What is this, Lethal Weapon? Got diplomatic immunity, have you?"

                                            >"Well yes, actually--"

                                            "I'm not the fucking mood for jokes, darlin'. Just come with me or we can do this the old fashioned way."

                                            >"I don't think you understand! I'm Princess Celestia! I raise the sun!"

                                            "Raise the sun?! Ohhh I'm writing you up for drug abuse as well, young lady."

                                            >"YOUNG?! I AM FOUR THOUSAND YEARS OLD!"

                                            "Yeah and I'm the Queen of England. Come on. Station, now."

                                            >"I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED!"

                                            "An officer of the law cannot be put under citizens arrest without sufficient reasoning. You're not getting out of this, kiddo. The law is absolute."

                                            >"You don't understand- I AM THE LAW!"

                                            "Woah there 'Dredd'. Simmer down."

                                            >Grab Celestia by the leg and start dragging her through the crowd.

                                            >They don't make any attempt to intervene. They're just too flabbergasted.

                                            >Celestia splutters and protests as you drag her to the station, throwing all manner of excuses at you.

                                            >"I wrote the book on Equestrian law! I literally wrote it! My name is on the cover!"

                                            "Keeeep talkin'..."

                                            >"You can't do this! I'm above the law!"

                                            "We'll see how that holds up in court, love."

                                            >"I -AM- THE COURT!"

                                            >Shake your head and sigh.

                                            >The things they'll say to get out of trouble.


                                            6/?


                                            >Drag the Princess kicking and screaming into the station.

                                            >In her rage, she fires off a bolt of magic.

                                            >"UNHAND ME!"

                                            "RIGHT. I WARNED YOU!"

                                            >Clobber her with the baton.

                                            >It breaks over her horn.

                                            >You both stare at the half-baton in your hand.

                                            >Fighting back tears, you continue to pull her inside the building.

                                            "I'LL DO YOU FOR DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY AS WELL!"

                                            >Celestia just screams.

                                            >She doesn't stop until you've thrown her in a cell with the drugged up kid and the traitor sergeant.

                                            >Slam the door and lock it, leaning against it to take a quick breather.

                                            >"YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!"

                                            "Keep it down, sunshine. Some of the other prisoners are trying to sleep."

                                            >Walk down the corridor and sit in the seat at the front desk, putting your feet up on it and opening the morning newspaper.

                                            >Nine arrests in one morning.

                                            >Not bad.

                                            >Sip your coffee and chew on a doughnut as the self proclaimed "Goddess of the Sun and sovereign ruler of all of Equestria" screams every insult under her sun at you.

                                            >Fucking criminals.


                                            7/7

                                            The End.