[FLUTTERRAPE] Pizza Anon Shorts


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: July 23rd, 2014

                                            ---


                                            An Anon posted this idea.

                                            It resonated me on a level I have yet to understand.

                                            (In other words I kinda liked it.)


                                            "Anon is a pizza delivery guy, and every time he gets to anyone's door, they have happen to have no way of paying him and keep showing him their alternative method of payment."


                                            The following is a series of shorts I wrote on the idea. Saved and uploaded by request.


                                            ---


                                            >Knock Knock.

                                            >The door opens.

                                            "Hi, got a pizza here for a, uhh... 'Missus Cake'?"

                                            >The blue mare in front of you smiles sweetly.

                                            >"Oh my, yes, that's me."

                                            "Cool. Well that'll be eight bits."

                                            >"Really? Well now that -is- a shame, I've lost my purse!"

                                            "That's okay, I can wait."

                                            >She bats her eyelids at you.

                                            >"Would you like to come in?~"

                                            "Nah, I'm good."

                                            >"Um. O-okay, well, I'll just be right back."

                                            >She retreats back into the house.

                                            >You stand on the doorstep and count stars while you wait.

                                            >A sultry voice interrupts you.

                                            >Turn to see Mrs Cake biting her bottom lip and looking up at you.

                                            >Is she... Wearing more makeup?

                                            >"Looks like I don't have any money... Is there ah, any other way I can pay you?"

                                            >She leans against the doorframe and runs a hoof over her cutie mark.

                                            "N-no, I only accept bits."

                                            >"I can take the apron off~"

                                            "Mrs Cake please--"

                                            >"I just want someone to touch me; It's been so long..."

                                            "Uhh, you know what, have it for free."

                                            >"Don't go!"

                                            >You've already sprinted down the road with your bag of pizzas in tow.

                                            >God damn milfs.


                                            ---


                                            "Seriously?"

                                            >"Yes! Terrible stroke of bad luck, isn't it?"

                                            >You sigh and rub your eyes with a hand.

                                            >The Mayor beams at you.

                                            >"Guess we'll have to find some other way to compensate you, won't we?"

                                            "You know what, we'll put it on a tab and I'll come to collect the money tomorrow. How about that?"

                                            >She blinks rapidly and her smile falters.

                                            >"O-Oh, uhh, we can't do that."

                                            "Of course we can, just--"

                                            >"Nope. Illegal."

                                            "What?"

                                            >"Illegal. You'll get sentenced to death."

                                            "The fu--"

                                            >"Death by fire. And double fire."

                                            "Double fire?"

                                            >"Fire that's twice as hot."

                                            "Miss Mayor just let me--"

                                            >"So how about that payment, huh? Ha ha!"

                                            >She tries to force a smile.

                                            >Glare down at her.

                                            "Miss Mayor. Have the pizza for free."

                                            >"Oh no, that's illegal as well."

                                            >Sigh.

                                            "Is there anything that -is- legal?"

                                            >"Uhh, the Equestrian Payment by Coitus Act of 2014."

                                            "...Pardon?"

                                            >"It states that sex is an adequate payment for delivered goods."

                                            "When the hell was this passed?"

                                            >"Ten seconds ago."

                                            >She rips off her necktie and drags you into her office, shutting the door behind her.

                                            >Fuck yeah, milfs.


                                            ---


                                            "Miss... Uhh... Cry Sill Is?"

                                            >You peer up at the gargantuan black structure before you.

                                            >It looks like a city sized piece of swiss cheese.

                                            >Shapes crawl all over it and a persistent low droning fills the air.

                                            >Gulp.

                                            >Pull your hat down closer to your eyes and adjust the pizza box in your hands.

                                            >The twin fortress doors groan as they open; screeching metal followed by a loud bang.

                                            >A figure steps out of the shadows.

                                            >"You called."

                                            "Well, uh, technically you did. You ordered a pizza?"

                                            >The mare(?) blinks and looks down at the box in your hands.

                                            >You're starting to sweat all over.

                                            >"I did not order this."

                                            >Thank god.

                                            >Wrong address.

                                            >"But I did order -you-~"

                                            >She carefully takes the pizza from you and tosses it over her shoulder, her eyes not leaving yours as she does so.

                                            >The pizza is snatched up by a flying shape before it hits the floor.

                                            >Chrysalis rears up and drapes her hooves around your neck, leaning into you.

                                            >Her breath smells of cheese.

                                            >"So, I wonder if you can fill me up~"

                                            "B-b-but I thought ponies didn't eat m-meat."

                                            >"Oh we eat meat. Just a different kind~"

                                            >Gulp.

                                            >Take a step back.

                                            "Uhh, I-I gotta go and um... Check my cats."

                                            >"Why check them when you have all the pussy you need right here?"

                                            >BONER DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

                                            >' IT'S TOO LATE, ANON. IT WAS ALWAYS TOO LATE. '

                                            >Whimper as you are tied up with magic and dragged into the fortress.

                                            >The doors slam shut behind you, imprisoning you within the cheese.


                                            >You show up 4 weeks later at the pizza place covered in slime.

                                            >Your boss gives you a queer look.

                                            >"The hell happened to you?"

                                            "W-wrong address."


                                            ---


                                            >"This is a most humiliating occurrence for thineself."

                                            "It's fine, your majesty."

                                            >Luna scrunches up her face.

                                            >How you even got onto her balcony you don't know, but you're here to deliver pizza, and deliver pizza you shall do.

                                            >"Nay! I shall find a way to settle my debts to the esteemed pizza delivery service!"

                                            "Princess Lun--"

                                            >"Pony Peter's Pizza Paradise shall know wealth beyond reckoning!"

                                            "It's really not necessary, just twelve bits is all I need."

                                            >"Eegads! I almost forgot!"

                                            "...Eegads...?"

                                            >"I shall have to inspect the goods! They could be poisoned or infused with dangerous magical energies!"

                                            >You take a peek under the lid.

                                            >Sticky cheese and tomato looks back at you.

                                            "Nah, it might give you the shits, but it's not going to kill you."

                                            >"Thine shits shall be contained within the goods, I assure you."

                                            >She trots back into her room.

                                            >"Come! We shall settle this using the traditional methods!"

                                            >Shrug and follow her in.

                                            >Her room is filled with beautiful artefacts from time-lost ages, and elaborate fabrics line most of the surfaces; rich blues and delicate gold stitching speaks volumes of the cost of such delights.

                                            >And then there's you. Dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, socks and sandals, and a baseball cap with a happy looking pizza slapped on it.

                                            >Luna returns, wearing--

                                            "Oh god."

                                            >Wearing bondage gear.

                                            >"Come! We shall fornicate until climax! Whomsoever screams the loudest shall be declared the loser, and shall therefore pay for the pizza!"

                                            "B-but why can't you just -pay- me?!"

                                            >"I have misplaced my coinpurse!"

                                            "But--"

                                            >"So I shall have to make do with yours!"

                                            "..."

                                            >"Your scrotum--"

                                            "Yeah, I got it."

                                            >Hurl the pizza at her and make for the balcony.

                                            >Who the fuck are you kidding.

                                            >You made it 4 steps before the doors slammed shut before you and your legs were yanked backwards by magic.


                                            >On the plus side, you won the 'duel'.

                                            >On the negative side, Luna is a sore loser.


                                            ---


                                            >A rabbit floats past your head.

                                            >"Now, I'll let you go as soon as you answer me this~"

                                            "Uhh--"

                                            >"What's green and blue and covered in goo, and is ready and waiting to come meet you?"

                                            "Discord I really don't feel comfortable with this."

                                            >The sin against nature laughs heartily and ruffles your head, messing up your hair and knocking off your cap, which turns into a goat and begins throat singing as it floats towards an open window.

                                            "Where's Fluttershy anyway...?"

                                            >"Oh, she stepped out for a while and said I could order pizza whilst she was out, so I did!"

                                            "I can see that. So do you want this or not?"

                                            >"Yes yes, don't be so hasty, just answer my riddle!"

                                            "I don't know, alright?"

                                            >"Oh poo, don't be boring, Anonymous. It's not like you."

                                            "Just give me the six bits and let me go. This isn't fun for any of us."

                                            >He sighs, his shoulders slumping.

                                            >"Fine. Be that way."

                                            >With a snap of his claws, everything in the house returns to its natural state, the floating animals happily earthbound once more.

                                            >He digs into what you think is a pocket in his own fur and pulls out 6 bits.

                                            >They're covered in a bit of fluff, but they'll have to do.

                                            >Smile wearily and accept them.

                                            "Thanks. Enjoy your pizza."

                                            >As you say that, the bits in your hand turn into yellow paint.

                                            "Discord I said it wasn't fu-- JESUS CHRIST."

                                            >Discord smiles at you.

                                            >"Something the matter...? Oh! Well now, what's this?"

                                            >He motions to his twin dragon cocks, each green and blue respectively and dripping with precum.

                                            "D-Discord, please, I'm not g-gay."

                                            >Take a step back.

                                            >Discord grins and snaps his claws again.

                                            >A sleeker version of him stands before you.

                                            >Two large breasts are now stuck to his chest.

                                            "That's horrifying."

                                            >"It is, isn't it?"

                                            >He/She tackles you before you can make it to the exit.


                                            >Why does this keep happening to you?


                                            ---


                                            >"IRON WILL DEMANDS THAT HE PAY FIVE BITS FOR THIS PIZZA."

                                            >His shouting was powerful enough to knock you back a little bit.

                                            >Wipe the spittle off your face and readjust your cap.

                                            "Sir, the bill is seven bits. Pay up or I'm leaving and taking the pizza with me."

                                            >"IRON WILL THINKS THAT WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO COME TO AN AGREEMENT."

                                            "Anon thinks the only agreement will be you giving him seven bits."

                                            >"IRON WILL WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T MOCK HIS BIRTH DEFECT."

                                            "...I-I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

                                            >"I-IRON WILL..."

                                            >He sniffs and wipes his eyes with a hairy forearm>

                                            >"IRON WILL WOULD LIKE HIS PIZZA FOR FIVE BITS."

                                            >Wince.

                                            "I just can't, man, I'm sorry."

                                            >"..."

                                            "..."

                                            >"ONE MOMENT."

                                            >He slams the door.

                                            >You hear rustling around.

                                            >A cold breeze washes over you.

                                            >What untold horrors lie in wait this time?

                                            >The door opens.

                                            >"IRON WILL HAS FOUND HIS WALLET."

                                            >He offers a large meaty palm towards you.

                                            >Eight bits sit in it.

                                            >You gently take them from him and put them in your bag.

                                            "Thank you, sir. Here's your pizza, and have a pleasant evening."

                                            >"Y-YOU TOO."

                                            >He shuts the door.

                                            >...

                                            "Huh."

                                            >Well, that wasn't so bad.

                                            >Just a normal transaction.

                                            >Smile.

                                            >You could get used to this.

                                            >Spinning on your heel, you turn to leave.

                                            >Where you are promptly tackled to the floor and raped by two goats wearing headsets and ties.

                                            >God dammit.


                                            ---


                                            >"I see you came from Everfree, all this way to just see me?"

                                            "Uh, yeah, got your pizza Missus Zecora."

                                            >She chuckles as she takes the box from you.

                                            >"An amusing joke, but I must admit; to another I am yet to commit."

                                            "Oh, not married then, sorry."

                                            >She smiles and opens the pizza box.

                                            >The smell hits her and she hums happily to herself.

                                            >"A delightful treat is in store for me; though I would enjoy some company~"

                                            >Gulp.

                                            "I really have to get back. Enjoy your pizza, ma'am."

                                            >She turns her entire body towards you, locking her eyes with yours.

                                            >"You would leave me alone in here; to eat my food absent of cheer?"

                                            "I-I have a girl... Friend?"

                                            >"In Zebra tribes a male is shared; so come, dear Anon and don't be scared."

                                            >Glance over your shoulder at the door.

                                            >Looking back at Zecora, her muscles are tensed up.

                                            >She's preparing to strike.

                                            >The pair of you face off for a moment, like a hunter and prey trapped in a battle of wits, each daring the other to move first.

                                            >You flex your fingers and lick your lips, checking the door.

                                            >She narrows her eyes and leans forward with a look of pure concentration.

                                            >"I could make you feel pure bliss; admit it, lover, you want some of this~"

                                            >She wiggles her plushy Zebra butt around.

                                            >...

                                            >No...

                                            >No!

                                            >' I RETURN. '

                                            >BONER NO. DON'T DO IT.

                                            >' THE MOST EXOTIC FRUITS ARE SWEETEST. '

                                            >AAAAAAAARG--


                                            >Stare at the ceiling of the hut.

                                            >A happy Zebra is sleeping next to you.

                                            "Fuck."


                                            ---


                                            >"Greetings, Anonymous."

                                            >Bow low.

                                            "Princess Celestia, your highness. I have come with your pizza, as requested."

                                            >She smiles warmly.

                                            >Feels like getting a compliment from someone you idolise.

                                            >"You seem tired, Anonymous; come, sit!"

                                            >Shrugging, you sit next to her.

                                            >She opens the box with magic and float it over to you.

                                            >"Help yourself, I insist."

                                            >Not wanting to offend, you take a slice of pizza.

                                            >Chew on it and smile at her as you do so.

                                            >Swallow it.

                                            "Mmm, it's good!"

                                            >"I'm pleased to hear that. How do you feel about doughnuts?"

                                            "Doughnuts, your highness?"

                                            >"Yes, there is a confectioner in lower Canterlot by the name of 'Pony Joe' who makes the most amazing doughnuts. Would you like to try one?"

                                            >Doughnuts and pizza? Hell yeah.

                                            "I would be happy to, Princess."

                                            >She beams.

                                            >"Wonderful!"

                                            >Before you can react, a blindfold is slipped over your eyes.

                                            "Uhh, Princess?"

                                            >You hear a giggle.

                                            >"I want to see if you can guess the flavour."

                                            "What, like a game or something?"

                                            >"Yes! Now extend your tongue, Anonymous."

                                            >You do so.

                                            >Something warm touches it.

                                            >"Th-there we are! Does that taste good?"

                                            >Tastes weird.

                                            >You can't really describe it.

                                            >Withdraw your tongue.

                                            "It's really soft pastry."

                                            >"Y-yes, it is. Continue."

                                            >You do so, intrigued to find out what it is you're tasting.

                                            >It's not unpleasant.

                                            >You could almost describe it as a 'clean' taste.

                                            >What -is- this?

                                            >"H-help yourself to some more."

                                            >You push forward and put your teeth around the doughnut.

                                            >Kinda small, but whatever. Still tastes good.

                                            >You gently bite.

                                            >Celestia cries out.

                                            >"O-Oh YES!~"

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >Slowly reach up and remove the blindfold.

                                            >Blink a few times.

                                            >Celestia blushes and looks back at you, panting.

                                            >"S-something wrong, Anonymous?"


                                            >Your boss sprays coffee everywhere.

                                            >"YOU DID -WHAT- TO THE FUCKING PRINCESS?!"


                                            ---


                                            End.