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[FLUTTERRAPE] Pizza Anon Shorts
By NebulusCreated: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-04 14:57:34
Expiry: Never
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Originally uploaded to Pastebin: July 23rd, 2014
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An Anon posted this idea.
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It resonated me on a level I have yet to understand.
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(In other words I kinda liked it.)
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"Anon is a pizza delivery guy, and every time he gets to anyone's door, they have happen to have no way of paying him and keep showing him their alternative method of payment."
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The following is a series of shorts I wrote on the idea. Saved and uploaded by request.
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>Knock Knock.
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>The door opens.
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"Hi, got a pizza here for a, uhh... 'Missus Cake'?"
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>The blue mare in front of you smiles sweetly.
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>"Oh my, yes, that's me."
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"Cool. Well that'll be eight bits."
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>"Really? Well now that -is- a shame, I've lost my purse!"
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"That's okay, I can wait."
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>She bats her eyelids at you.
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>"Would you like to come in?~"
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"Nah, I'm good."
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>"Um. O-okay, well, I'll just be right back."
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>She retreats back into the house.
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>You stand on the doorstep and count stars while you wait.
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>A sultry voice interrupts you.
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>Turn to see Mrs Cake biting her bottom lip and looking up at you.
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>Is she... Wearing more makeup?
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>"Looks like I don't have any money... Is there ah, any other way I can pay you?"
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>She leans against the doorframe and runs a hoof over her cutie mark.
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"N-no, I only accept bits."
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>"I can take the apron off~"
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"Mrs Cake please--"
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>"I just want someone to touch me; It's been so long..."
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"Uhh, you know what, have it for free."
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>"Don't go!"
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>You've already sprinted down the road with your bag of pizzas in tow.
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>God damn milfs.
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---
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"Seriously?"
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>"Yes! Terrible stroke of bad luck, isn't it?"
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>You sigh and rub your eyes with a hand.
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>The Mayor beams at you.
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>"Guess we'll have to find some other way to compensate you, won't we?"
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"You know what, we'll put it on a tab and I'll come to collect the money tomorrow. How about that?"
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>She blinks rapidly and her smile falters.
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>"O-Oh, uhh, we can't do that."
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"Of course we can, just--"
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>"Nope. Illegal."
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"What?"
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>"Illegal. You'll get sentenced to death."
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"The fu--"
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>"Death by fire. And double fire."
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"Double fire?"
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>"Fire that's twice as hot."
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"Miss Mayor just let me--"
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>"So how about that payment, huh? Ha ha!"
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>She tries to force a smile.
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>Glare down at her.
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"Miss Mayor. Have the pizza for free."
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>"Oh no, that's illegal as well."
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>Sigh.
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"Is there anything that -is- legal?"
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>"Uhh, the Equestrian Payment by Coitus Act of 2014."
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"...Pardon?"
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>"It states that sex is an adequate payment for delivered goods."
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"When the hell was this passed?"
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>"Ten seconds ago."
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>She rips off her necktie and drags you into her office, shutting the door behind her.
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>Fuck yeah, milfs.
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---
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"Miss... Uhh... Cry Sill Is?"
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>You peer up at the gargantuan black structure before you.
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>It looks like a city sized piece of swiss cheese.
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>Shapes crawl all over it and a persistent low droning fills the air.
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>Gulp.
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>Pull your hat down closer to your eyes and adjust the pizza box in your hands.
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>The twin fortress doors groan as they open; screeching metal followed by a loud bang.
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>A figure steps out of the shadows.
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>"You called."
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"Well, uh, technically you did. You ordered a pizza?"
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>The mare(?) blinks and looks down at the box in your hands.
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>You're starting to sweat all over.
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>"I did not order this."
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>Thank god.
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>Wrong address.
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>"But I did order -you-~"
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>She carefully takes the pizza from you and tosses it over her shoulder, her eyes not leaving yours as she does so.
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>The pizza is snatched up by a flying shape before it hits the floor.
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>Chrysalis rears up and drapes her hooves around your neck, leaning into you.
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>Her breath smells of cheese.
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>"So, I wonder if you can fill me up~"
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"B-b-but I thought ponies didn't eat m-meat."
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>"Oh we eat meat. Just a different kind~"
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>Gulp.
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>Take a step back.
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"Uhh, I-I gotta go and um... Check my cats."
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>"Why check them when you have all the pussy you need right here?"
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>BONER DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
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>' IT'S TOO LATE, ANON. IT WAS ALWAYS TOO LATE. '
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>Whimper as you are tied up with magic and dragged into the fortress.
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>The doors slam shut behind you, imprisoning you within the cheese.
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>You show up 4 weeks later at the pizza place covered in slime.
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>Your boss gives you a queer look.
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>"The hell happened to you?"
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"W-wrong address."
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---
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>"This is a most humiliating occurrence for thineself."
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"It's fine, your majesty."
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>Luna scrunches up her face.
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>How you even got onto her balcony you don't know, but you're here to deliver pizza, and deliver pizza you shall do.
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>"Nay! I shall find a way to settle my debts to the esteemed pizza delivery service!"
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"Princess Lun--"
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>"Pony Peter's Pizza Paradise shall know wealth beyond reckoning!"
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"It's really not necessary, just twelve bits is all I need."
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>"Eegads! I almost forgot!"
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"...Eegads...?"
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>"I shall have to inspect the goods! They could be poisoned or infused with dangerous magical energies!"
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>You take a peek under the lid.
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>Sticky cheese and tomato looks back at you.
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"Nah, it might give you the shits, but it's not going to kill you."
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>"Thine shits shall be contained within the goods, I assure you."
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>She trots back into her room.
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>"Come! We shall settle this using the traditional methods!"
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>Shrug and follow her in.
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>Her room is filled with beautiful artefacts from time-lost ages, and elaborate fabrics line most of the surfaces; rich blues and delicate gold stitching speaks volumes of the cost of such delights.
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>And then there's you. Dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, socks and sandals, and a baseball cap with a happy looking pizza slapped on it.
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>Luna returns, wearing--
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"Oh god."
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>Wearing bondage gear.
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>"Come! We shall fornicate until climax! Whomsoever screams the loudest shall be declared the loser, and shall therefore pay for the pizza!"
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"B-but why can't you just -pay- me?!"
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>"I have misplaced my coinpurse!"
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"But--"
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>"So I shall have to make do with yours!"
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"..."
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>"Your scrotum--"
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"Yeah, I got it."
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>Hurl the pizza at her and make for the balcony.
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>Who the fuck are you kidding.
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>You made it 4 steps before the doors slammed shut before you and your legs were yanked backwards by magic.
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>On the plus side, you won the 'duel'.
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>On the negative side, Luna is a sore loser.
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---
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>A rabbit floats past your head.
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>"Now, I'll let you go as soon as you answer me this~"
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"Uhh--"
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>"What's green and blue and covered in goo, and is ready and waiting to come meet you?"
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"Discord I really don't feel comfortable with this."
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>The sin against nature laughs heartily and ruffles your head, messing up your hair and knocking off your cap, which turns into a goat and begins throat singing as it floats towards an open window.
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"Where's Fluttershy anyway...?"
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>"Oh, she stepped out for a while and said I could order pizza whilst she was out, so I did!"
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"I can see that. So do you want this or not?"
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>"Yes yes, don't be so hasty, just answer my riddle!"
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"I don't know, alright?"
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>"Oh poo, don't be boring, Anonymous. It's not like you."
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"Just give me the six bits and let me go. This isn't fun for any of us."
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>He sighs, his shoulders slumping.
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>"Fine. Be that way."
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>With a snap of his claws, everything in the house returns to its natural state, the floating animals happily earthbound once more.
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>He digs into what you think is a pocket in his own fur and pulls out 6 bits.
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>They're covered in a bit of fluff, but they'll have to do.
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>Smile wearily and accept them.
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"Thanks. Enjoy your pizza."
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>As you say that, the bits in your hand turn into yellow paint.
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"Discord I said it wasn't fu-- JESUS CHRIST."
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>Discord smiles at you.
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>"Something the matter...? Oh! Well now, what's this?"
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>He motions to his twin dragon cocks, each green and blue respectively and dripping with precum.
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"D-Discord, please, I'm not g-gay."
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>Take a step back.
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>Discord grins and snaps his claws again.
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>A sleeker version of him stands before you.
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>Two large breasts are now stuck to his chest.
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"That's horrifying."
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>"It is, isn't it?"
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>He/She tackles you before you can make it to the exit.
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>Why does this keep happening to you?
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---
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>"IRON WILL DEMANDS THAT HE PAY FIVE BITS FOR THIS PIZZA."
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>His shouting was powerful enough to knock you back a little bit.
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>Wipe the spittle off your face and readjust your cap.
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"Sir, the bill is seven bits. Pay up or I'm leaving and taking the pizza with me."
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>"IRON WILL THINKS THAT WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO COME TO AN AGREEMENT."
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"Anon thinks the only agreement will be you giving him seven bits."
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>"IRON WILL WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T MOCK HIS BIRTH DEFECT."
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"...I-I'm sorry, I didn't know..."
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>"I-IRON WILL..."
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>He sniffs and wipes his eyes with a hairy forearm>
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>"IRON WILL WOULD LIKE HIS PIZZA FOR FIVE BITS."
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>Wince.
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"I just can't, man, I'm sorry."
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>"..."
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"..."
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>"ONE MOMENT."
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>He slams the door.
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>You hear rustling around.
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>A cold breeze washes over you.
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>What untold horrors lie in wait this time?
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>The door opens.
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>"IRON WILL HAS FOUND HIS WALLET."
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>He offers a large meaty palm towards you.
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>Eight bits sit in it.
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>You gently take them from him and put them in your bag.
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"Thank you, sir. Here's your pizza, and have a pleasant evening."
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>"Y-YOU TOO."
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>He shuts the door.
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>...
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"Huh."
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>Well, that wasn't so bad.
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>Just a normal transaction.
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>Smile.
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>You could get used to this.
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>Spinning on your heel, you turn to leave.
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>Where you are promptly tackled to the floor and raped by two goats wearing headsets and ties.
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>God dammit.
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---
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>"I see you came from Everfree, all this way to just see me?"
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"Uh, yeah, got your pizza Missus Zecora."
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>She chuckles as she takes the box from you.
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>"An amusing joke, but I must admit; to another I am yet to commit."
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"Oh, not married then, sorry."
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>She smiles and opens the pizza box.
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>The smell hits her and she hums happily to herself.
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>"A delightful treat is in store for me; though I would enjoy some company~"
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>Gulp.
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"I really have to get back. Enjoy your pizza, ma'am."
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>She turns her entire body towards you, locking her eyes with yours.
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>"You would leave me alone in here; to eat my food absent of cheer?"
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"I-I have a girl... Friend?"
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>"In Zebra tribes a male is shared; so come, dear Anon and don't be scared."
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>Glance over your shoulder at the door.
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>Looking back at Zecora, her muscles are tensed up.
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>She's preparing to strike.
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>The pair of you face off for a moment, like a hunter and prey trapped in a battle of wits, each daring the other to move first.
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>You flex your fingers and lick your lips, checking the door.
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>She narrows her eyes and leans forward with a look of pure concentration.
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>"I could make you feel pure bliss; admit it, lover, you want some of this~"
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>She wiggles her plushy Zebra butt around.
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>...
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>No...
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>No!
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>' I RETURN. '
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>BONER NO. DON'T DO IT.
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>' THE MOST EXOTIC FRUITS ARE SWEETEST. '
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>AAAAAAAARG--
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>Stare at the ceiling of the hut.
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>A happy Zebra is sleeping next to you.
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"Fuck."
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---
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>"Greetings, Anonymous."
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>Bow low.
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"Princess Celestia, your highness. I have come with your pizza, as requested."
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>She smiles warmly.
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>Feels like getting a compliment from someone you idolise.
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>"You seem tired, Anonymous; come, sit!"
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>Shrugging, you sit next to her.
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>She opens the box with magic and float it over to you.
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>"Help yourself, I insist."
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>Not wanting to offend, you take a slice of pizza.
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>Chew on it and smile at her as you do so.
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>Swallow it.
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"Mmm, it's good!"
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>"I'm pleased to hear that. How do you feel about doughnuts?"
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"Doughnuts, your highness?"
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>"Yes, there is a confectioner in lower Canterlot by the name of 'Pony Joe' who makes the most amazing doughnuts. Would you like to try one?"
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>Doughnuts and pizza? Hell yeah.
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"I would be happy to, Princess."
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>She beams.
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>"Wonderful!"
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>Before you can react, a blindfold is slipped over your eyes.
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"Uhh, Princess?"
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>You hear a giggle.
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>"I want to see if you can guess the flavour."
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"What, like a game or something?"
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>"Yes! Now extend your tongue, Anonymous."
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>You do so.
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>Something warm touches it.
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>"Th-there we are! Does that taste good?"
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>Tastes weird.
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>You can't really describe it.
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>Withdraw your tongue.
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"It's really soft pastry."
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>"Y-yes, it is. Continue."
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>You do so, intrigued to find out what it is you're tasting.
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>It's not unpleasant.
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>You could almost describe it as a 'clean' taste.
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>What -is- this?
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>"H-help yourself to some more."
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>You push forward and put your teeth around the doughnut.
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>Kinda small, but whatever. Still tastes good.
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>You gently bite.
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>Celestia cries out.
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>"O-Oh YES!~"
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>...
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>...
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>Slowly reach up and remove the blindfold.
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>Blink a few times.
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>Celestia blushes and looks back at you, panting.
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>"S-something wrong, Anonymous?"
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>Your boss sprays coffee everywhere.
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>"YOU DID -WHAT- TO THE FUCKING PRINCESS?!"
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---
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End.
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus