[FLUTTERRAPE] Medical Advice


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: August 17th, 2014

                                            ---


                                            >"Doctor? I'm sending in the next patient."

                                            "Thank you, Redheart."

                                            >Clear your throat and pat down your uniform so it looks more presentable.

                                            >Twilight Sparkle trots in, looking nervous.

                                            >Smile at her and offer her a seat on the other side of your desk.

                                            "Miss Sparkle, how can I help?"

                                            >"Oh, well, umm, I would normally diagnose myself, but uhh, I have a little problem that I can't work out."

                                            "Care to describe it?"

                                            >"W-well, it's umm, kinda embarrassing..."

                                            "Miss Sparkle, I assure you, I'm a trained professional; I can handle whatever you'll throw at me."

                                            >"Okay then..."

                                            >She stands up and turns around.

                                            >You stare blankly at her horsegina.

                                            >"Can you see it?"

                                            "Yes, I can. What am I looking for, exactly?"

                                            >"Oh, you might need to come closer."

                                            >Frowning, you put your glasses away in your top pocket and walk around to her.

                                            >Kneel down and inspect her more closely.

                                            "What am I looking for?"

                                            >"Can't you see the swelling?"

                                            "I'm afraid not."

                                            >"It feels so sore..."

                                            "Have you ingested any strange substances lately?"

                                            >"No, but I think I know a strange substance that might soothe it..."

                                            >Look up at Twilight.

                                            >She stares back at you over her shoulder, biting her lip and blushing.

                                            "Miss Sparkle, I..."

                                            >"Y-yes, doctor?"

                                            "...Want you to leave."

                                            >"Oh. O-okay."

                                            >She scurries out the door and closes it behind her.

                                            >Sigh and get back into your seat.

                                            >Check the clock.

                                            >8:05am

                                            >Nurse Redheart knocks and enters.

                                            >"Doctor Anonymous? There's another patient here to see you."

                                            >Give her a worried look.

                                            "How many are out there?"

                                            >Nurse Redheart looks out at the corridor filled with practically every pony in Ponyville.

                                            >"...Lots."

                                            "God dammit."


                                            >"I'm tellin' you, doc, there's something wrong with my shlong!"

                                            "Mister Thunderlane, your penis is functioning normally, now please stop stroking it in my office."

                                            >"I can't, it's my condition."

                                            "Out."

                                            >"I need an injection--"

                                            "OUT."


                                            >"O-oh my, I'm so sorry, did I spill your coffee on you?"

                                            >Glare at Fluttershy.

                                            "You just flew in and dumped it on me."

                                            >"Oh dear, that's not good, get out of those clothes or you'll catch a cold!"

                                            "OUT."


                                            >"Mister Doctor Anon sir?"

                                            >Peer over your desk at the young colt, who looks very distressed.

                                            >Smile at him.

                                            "What's the problem, kiddo?"

                                            >"My mommy keeps touching my special place..."

                                            "O-oh, uhh, you'll want Mrs Feel Good next door."

                                            >"B-but Missus Feel Good -is- my mommy..."

                                            "Ah."


                                            >"How can I tell when a stallion likes me?"

                                            "I'm a doctor, not an agony aunt."

                                            >"But seriously, how can I?"

                                            >Sigh.

                                            "I don't know... Is he acting more compassionate towards you? Always trying to spend time with you?"

                                            >"No, he just keeps sending me pictures of his dingus."

                                            "Yeah. Okay. Get out."


                                            >"Oh! Aren't -you- a catch~"

                                            "Uhh, sure. Can I help you?"

                                            >Sunset Shimmer winks at you and relaxes in her chair, spreading her hind legs.

                                            >"I don't know... -can- you?~"

                                            "What are you trying to get out of me?"

                                            >"I dunno... Maybe we can work something out and you can help me pass my blood test~"

                                            "...Miss Shimmer, I think you've seriously misinterpreted the 'blood test'."

                                            >"I-I've been in trapped in a high school so long I don't know how to function anymore..."

                                            "Uhh--"

                                            >"Can I feel your hands on my body? I can't live without the touch of fingers!"

                                            "You might want to go see our resident psychologist on floor two."

                                            >"Is he single?"

                                            "No... He's married with three kids."

                                            >"Even better~"

                                            "THAT'S NOT--"


                                            "Can I help you, sir?"

                                            >"YEAH!"

                                            "Jesusfu-- ah, great! What with?"

                                            >"YEAH!"

                                            "...Do you have any medical problems?"

                                            >"YEAH!"

                                            "...Can you articulate them through language?"

                                            >The hulking stallion shudders.

                                            >"N--YEAH!"

                                            >...

                                            "Mister Biceps... Can you say anything other than the word 'Yeah?'"

                                            >His eyes well up with tears and he shakes his head.

                                            >"Y-yeah."

                                            "O-oh..."


                                            >"YOU NEVER FUCKING LOVED ME, BON BON."

                                            >"FUCK YOU, LYRA, YOU ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH GOLDEN HARVEST NOW. AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

                                            >"YOU WERE ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, BUT YOU ACT SO DISTANT NOWADAYS THAT I HAVE TO FUCK OTHER MARES!"

                                            >"WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP ON ME, LYRA?!"

                                            "What kind of doctor do you ponies think I am...?"


                                            >"Hello again."

                                            "Oh god dammit."

                                            >"Yeaaah, that psychiatrist wasn't in... So I came back to you."

                                            "Did you skip the line or something?"

                                            >"Sure did!"

                                            "Ugh..."

                                            >"So umm, I think it all started back when I was a filly, I was Celestia's protégé you know!


                                            >"I have this really bad rash on my belly..."

                                            "Just fu-- wait, really? You have an actual medical problem?"

                                            >"Y-yeah?"

                                            >Lunge over the desk.

                                            "Show me."

                                            >The mailmare flinches but lies on her back.

                                            >A huge red mark is on her tummy.

                                            "...Miss Hooves, this is red paint."

                                            >"A-are you sure?"

                                            "Quite sure."

                                            >Poke it.

                                            >Now you have wet paint on your finger.

                                            >She giggles at your prodding.

                                            >"D-do that again!"

                                            >Shrug and do it.

                                            >She moans.

                                            >"Again~"

                                            "I thought you were different."


                                            >"...So Celestia decided that we should move onto the 'next stage of my studies' and that's when she took me to the darkest sections of the royal archives and sodomised my anus but I was only nine so I don't really remember it that well but I think it might be the reason I'm into anal so much nowadays anyway when I got older..."


                                            >"Hey uhh, doc? I keep getting wingboners around Rarity... Is this normal?"

                                            "I think you might be attracted to her, Miss Dash."

                                            >"Wh-what? Pfft, n-no! Rarity is so dumb and into really girly stuff like dresses!"

                                            >Raise an eyebrow.

                                            "I thought you liked dressing in style."

                                            >"Shut up that was one time and Rarity never even found out!"

                                            >Stare at her.

                                            >"...S-so is there a cream I can use?"


                                            >"...An' Ah reckon it's been at least six days since my last fuckin', so waddya say?"

                                            "Miss Jack, did you book a doctors appointment just to offer me sex?"

                                            >"Sure did!"

                                            "...The answer is no."

                                            >"Huh, that's funny!"

                                            >She shuts the door and barricades it with a chair.

                                            >"That's what my last partner said!"


                                            >"Doctor Anon? How can I get my cutie mark?"

                                            "I don't know, Scootaloo. Cutie marks aren't my area of expertise."

                                            >"What if I got a doctor cutie mark?"

                                            "That would mean you have a good future in store for you, but I fail to see how you could get one."

                                            >"Why?"

                                            "Well, ahh, aren't you more into scooting around on your scooter?"

                                            >"Are you saying I'm dumb?"

                                            "What? No!"

                                            >"Y-you think I'm ugly, don't you!"

                                            "Wh-- oh god not again."

                                            >"WHY DOES EVERYPONY THINK I'M UGLY. IS IT MY WINGS?! ARE MY WINGS NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU?!"

                                            "Pencilling you in for an appointment with Doctor Hindsight..."


                                            >"And I was like 'a magic mirror? I could totally master that!' and Celestia was like 'no you have to stay with me and be my student!' and so I was like 'pssh, whatever, Fat-lestia, go eat some more cake and jerk off to pictures of foals' and I walked through the mirror and never looked back! Well, at least until I ended up returning, hey! I didn't tell you about what I got up to in high school!"

                                            "Please don't."

                                            >"So as soon as I realised it was pretty much a parallel world I found the human version of Celestia and fucked her -so- hard but it was really weird because I still didn't know how to walk on two legs so it was like having sex as a cripple which is kinda kinky the more I think about it..."


                                            >"I have to say, doctor, you've really helped me out of a bind here."

                                            >Smile weakly at the mare as you empty the bottle of hand sanitiser onto your palms.

                                            "N-not a problem, Miss Mayor."

                                            >You glance at the huge glistening black piece of sticky silicone on your desk.

                                            "Just uhh, be sure to... Not... Do it again..."

                                            >The mayor laughs and tucks it away in her saddle bag.

                                            >"I can't keep any promises~"


                                            >"FUCKING WHORE, HOW MANY OTHER PONIES HAVE YOU FUCKED?!"

                                            >"I FUCKED TWILIGHT SPARKLE TWO NIGHTS AGO."

                                            >"BULLSHIT, YOU FUCKING LIAR, YOU DIDN'T BAG SPARKLE."

                                            >"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I BAGGED SPARKLE, WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU CAN CLAIM, BON BON."

                                            >"I FUCKED PINKIE PIE WITH A STRAP-ON WHILE THE CAKES WERE ASLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM."

                                            >"G-GOD THAT'S... S-so hot..."

                                            >"I-it totally was."


                                            >"Hooo-ee! That sure was nice, Anon. T'be honest, I wasn't sure you'd keep up with me!"

                                            >Applejack kisses you on the cheek.

                                            >Stare past her at the ceiling, too stunned to move.

                                            >"Ah'd best be goin', but feel free to drop by Sweet Apple Acres any time, sugarcube~"

                                            "S-sure thing..."


                                            >"...So vice-principal Luna walked in on me eating out the librarian, Miss Cheerilee, and so we all had a three-way and I fist-fucked Luna's asshole and had her fist-fuck mine and it really hurt at first but I got into it super quick..."


                                            >"So my wife just hasn't spoken to me in so long since the incident and... I gotta be honest, doc, I think I have a thing for changelings now."

                                            "Why are you telling me this, Mr Armour?"

                                            >"O-oh, well, the door said 'sex therapist', am I in the wrong place?"

                                            >...

                                            >The door opens.

                                            >Nurse Redheart pokes her head in.

                                            >She sees you glaring at her, and smiles unconvincingly.

                                            >"S-something wrong, doctor?"

                                            "REDHEART."


                                            >"Mmm, tell me about the others you've fucked."

                                            >"Mmmph~... W-well, ohgodyes, I've done the mayor..."

                                            >"That old slut?"

                                            >"She's a total cougar...

                                            >"I can believe that."

                                            >"Y-yeah, and she loves to-- AAHN~!"

                                            "Can you two please stop having sex on my rug?"

                                            >"Wanna join in, doctor~?"

                                            "No. No I don't."


                                            >"Doctor, could I please get a diagnosis for this?"

                                            >Give the stallion a flat look.

                                            "Mr Braeburn, I do not live under a rock, and I am wise to your sexual shenanigans around town."

                                            >"P-please."

                                            "I know what's under that hat. Just leave."

                                            >"But it's serious!"

                                            "Seriously gross."

                                            >"But I--"

                                            >He explodes into giblets.

                                            >Stare in stunned silence at the place he once sat.

                                            >Bits of gore drop from the ceiling onto your desk.

                                            >Wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and blink a few times.

                                            "...Huh, I guess it -was- serious."


                                            >"...I guess what I'm saying is that since my time in the human world, combined with my sexual experiences as a foal, I've just had this addiction to sex, know what I mean?"

                                            >...

                                            >"Doctor Anon?"

                                            >Snort and sit up.

                                            "Hm? What? Oh, yes."

                                            >Glance at the clock.

                                            >It's 4 in the afternoon.

                                            "Uhh, anything else you needed to say?"

                                            >"Oh, not really. I think I said everything."

                                            "Ok, ah, good. Good bye, Miss Shimmer."

                                            >"You know, I feel like I got a lot off my shoulders!"

                                            "That's nice. Good bye."

                                            >"I gotta repay you somehow."

                                            "You happiness is all I need, or something. Good bye."

                                            >"Damn... All that talk of sex got me hot and bothered..."

                                            "Good. Bye."

                                            >She gets up and walks to the door.

                                            >Pauses.

                                            >Then barricades it with a chair.

                                            "Oh for fucks sake."


                                            The End.