[FLUTTERRAPE] Alcohol Solves Everything


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 15th, 2016

                                            ---


                                            >"Tell me, Anonymous, how has your life been in Ponyville?"

                                            >You let your shoulders sag, the sun on your face and pleasant breeze passing through the immaculate garden doing little to lift your mood.

                                            "Celestia, it's horrible."

                                            >She frowns.

                                            >"What in Equestria could be causing you so much grief?"

                                            "Fluttershy." you say with a grimace.

                                            >The mare across from you raises her eyebrows in surprise.

                                            >"Fluttershy? As in, 'Fluttershy', Fluttershy?"

                                            "Yup."

                                            >"The quiet one? Yellow, pink hair, far too many extensions, aversion to stallions? That Fluttershy?"

                                            "The same, yes."

                                            >"How odd. Tell me everything."

                                            >She raises her teacup to her lips, a smirk etched on her features.

                                            >You return her mocking expression with a sour one, like an old man sucking a lemon.

                                            >You readjust yourself on your cushion.

                                            "Promise not to laugh?"

                                            >"No."

                                            "God dammit, Celestia."

                                            >"A ruler must be honest with her subjects, as such, should you tell me of anything that I might find amusing, I shall laugh at you until I am satisfied."

                                            "Oh, you're so kind and thoughtful."

                                            >"Your sarcasm is always appreciated."

                                            "Harr de harr, but really, she's a nightmare."

                                            >"How so?"

                                            "Get this, she wants to be my girlfriend."

                                            >Celestia, to her credit, doesn't laugh.

                                            >"Oh."

                                            "Yeah. You were saying about her having an aversion to stallions?"

                                            >"Well from Twilight's reports and my own experiences with her, I thought she was... well, on the other side of the stable door."

                                            "Me too, she goes to private spa sessions with Rarity every week for God's sake."

                                            >"So I've heard, but she admitted she was interested in you?"

                                            "I wouldn't call it 'interested', as such. More like a rabid, uncontrollable lust."

                                            >"Now you're just having me on."

                                            "I could -not- be more serious, get this, the first time she kissed me, she orgasmed."

                                            >Celestia blinks a few times.

                                            >"The first...? Anonymous, just -what- have you been getting up to with that mare?"

                                            >Her grin returns in full force.

                                            "Knock it off with the grin, darling, I'm getting to it."

                                            >"Well don't let me stop you~"

                                            >She floats a small, delicate plate of frail looking biscuits up to you.

                                            >You gratefully pluck a few off and stuff them in your mouth, talking over your food.

                                            "Sho it shtarted like this..."

                                            >Swallow your treat and wash it down with a quick sip of tea.

                                            "I'm sat at home reading the newspaper as always."

                                            >"How boring."

                                            "Shush, so I'm reading the paper and I hear a knock on my door, bear in mind that it's like nine in the evening."

                                            >"That doesn't sound good."

                                            "I walk on over, and she's stood on my doorstep, alone. So I'm instantly suspicious of her, and ask her what she wants, and guess what she says?"

                                            >"May I come in?"

                                            "Fist my asshole raw."

                                            >You spend the next few moments wiping tea and horse spittle off your face.

                                            >Celestia, having finished smacking her chest with a hoof, gasps for breath and wipes her mouth in a very un-regal fashion.

                                            >"Anonymous!"

                                            "I swear to you I'm not joking."

                                            >"Th-that's absurd! Stop making things up!"

                                            "Celly, really, I'm not playing around here."

                                            >She stares wide eyed at you before shaking her head and lighting up her horn.

                                            >"I'm afraid we need something stronger than tea if this is going to continue."

                                            >The teacups and probably expensive china is swept off the low table between you both and is quickly replaced by two large glasses and a sizeable bottle of Canterlot Throatsorch.

                                            >It's called Canterlot Throatscorch because it scorches your throat when you drink it.

                                            >And it's made in Canterlot.

                                            >Ponies don't like being ambiguous with names.

                                            "So I'm just like, trying to process what she's saying to me, right?"

                                            >Celestia nods as she pours a small amount of liquid into the bottom her glass.

                                            "And I sort of just blurt out 'no'."

                                            >"What did she say?"

                                            "Well she started crying."

                                            >"Really?"

                                            "Oh yeah, full on sobbing, right on my doorstep at nine in the evening."

                                            >"I get the feeling that this story doesn't have a happy ending.

                                            "Nothing involving Fluttershy has a happy ending."

                                            >Celestia chuckles over her drink.

                                            "Once she's done crying, she apologises and starts giving me the whole 'I don't know what I was thinking' shtick."

                                            >"Understandable."

                                            "Then she says 'I didn't mean to lead with that, I was supposed to ask you to eat me out first'."

                                            >...

                                            >Celestia fills her entire glass.

                                            "So at this point all I'm thinking is 'I thought this chick was into other chicks', but lemmie tell you, it gets far worse."

                                            >"How...?"

                                            "Well because then she shows me her collection."

                                            >"Collection? Do I really want to know?"

                                            "Will you tell me to tell you anyway if I say you don't want to know?"

                                            >"Yes, tell me."

                                            "Dildos."

                                            >"You're right, I didn't want to know."

                                            >She sighs and takes a quick gulp of her booze before rubbing her eyes with a hoof and giving you a weary look.

                                            >"So at this point, Fluttershy, the timid Element of Kindness, has turned up on your doorstep at night-time with a collection of dildos, asking you to fist her and or lick her vagina."

                                            "Yes."

                                            >"Remarkable. Does the story end there?"

                                            "Well no, because then she kissed me."

                                            >"At this point I'm not shocked."

                                            "Neither was I, until she moaned and sprayed pony juice all over my garden path."

                                            >"Disgusting."

                                            "Right? So I pushed her away and told her to go home."

                                            >"She didn't go home, did she?"

                                            "No, she kissed me again and tried to offer me a dildo."

                                            >"So when does the manticore show up?"

                                            "I'm being serious about all this."

                                            >"I don't believe you."

                                            "Why?"

                                            >"Well it's not so much that I don't believe you, it's that I refuse to as a sort of defence mechanism."

                                            >She stares at her reflection in the dark brown drink before her.

                                            >"I let her look after my pet phoenix..."

                                            "I let her borrow a shirt, think how I feel."

                                            >"What was the shirt like when you got it back?"

                                            "That would imply that I got it back at all."

                                            >"I think my bird incident is worse."

                                            "I later found the shirt in a crusty ball stuffed under her pillow."

                                            >The princess of Equestria abandons her glass in favour of the entire bottle.

                                            "But that's not where this ends, so she's trying to give me a dildo right, just like stuffing it in my hands and mumbling about building bridges or some shit."

                                            >Celestia burps and doesn't apologise.

                                            >She must really be feeling it.

                                            "I shove her away and tell her that no means no."

                                            >"Did it work?"

                                            "Did it fuck, she starts explaining to me that the special lube she has will allow the dildos to just 'slide right on in there like a snuggly bug all cosy and warm'."

                                            >"That's a terrible mental image. Thank you for sharing it with me."

                                            "Please remember that all this has happened in the space of like two minutes, and I'm still struggling to understand what this girl sees in me."

                                            >"Maybe she was on drugs?"

                                            "See, I thought that as well, and I told her that she needs to lay off whatever it is she was smoking."

                                            >"And?"

                                            "'You can't smoke love, Anon'."

                                            >"I think I might get Cadance to outlaw love."

                                            "It would be much appreciated."

                                            >The mare shakes her bottle with magic.

                                            >A light sloshing can be heard inside, so she tosses it over her shoulder and materialises another bottle.

                                            "I finally get her to stop, and she just gives me this look, you know the one, you stand up for yourself and suddenly you're the bad guy?"

                                            >"Oh Gods, the Royal Court for about fifty years after I banished Luna, they would -not- shut up about it."

                                            "I tell her to, pardon my french, fuck off back to her shithole cottage and never bother me with her deranged antics again."

                                            >"And so, the saga of Fluttershy being uncharacteristically lewd comes to an end!"

                                            >She forces out a laugh.

                                            >You give her a sad look.

                                            >"You do understand that I'm only drinking this much because I gave this mare a superweapon and tasked her with defending Equestria, don't you?"

                                            "It's okay, we all make mistakes; mine was moving out of the castle."

                                            >"Please come back. Actually, don't; you're tainted."

                                            "Thanks. So I locked the door and didn't hear from her for like a week."

                                            >You take a well-deserved drink from your glass.

                                            >Celestia manages to remove the bottle from her lips long enough to wipe it with a napkin and fill you up again.

                                            "I go about my normal business, I was gonna write to you but I didn't want to bother you."

                                            >"The Anonymous of the past was a kind and gentle soul, unlike you."

                                            "Yeah well, you asked."

                                            >"I wish I'd listened to Starswirl more about that time-travel magic."

                                            "To be brief, I thought it was over, but it happened again. And again, and again, and again."

                                            >"The same thing every night?"

                                            "More or less, she'll change her approach each week. It's become a 'thing'. She shows up on my doorstep, tries to force herself on me and claim that she loves me, and sometimes try to leave a souvenir."

                                            >"That sounds like it would get stale very fast. Also, a souvenir?"

                                            "Anything ranging from sex toys to bags of hair."

                                            >You stare off at a nearby tree, a distant look of pain in your eyes.

                                            "She gave me nude pictures of herself once."

                                            >Celestia purses her lips.

                                            >"I'm pretty sure most ponies go naked anyway."

                                            "She was wearing stockings in the pictures, which sort of made her look -more- nude than she already was."

                                            >"Ah, I see your point. I never really understood how that works either."

                                            "I have a box, you know."

                                            >"Of nude pictures?"

                                            "Sort of. It's full of Fluttershy's 'gifts'."

                                            >"Why not get rid of them?"

                                            "Because that would involve putting them in the bin, and I don't want the garbage collectors judging me."

                                            >"Why not bury it all?"

                                            "She digs them up again and mails them to me."

                                            >"Mails them? As in through the post?"

                                            "Yeah, luckily the mailmare doesn't know what any of it is."

                                            >"What, is she mentally handicapped?"

                                            "Actually I think she is."

                                            >"Well now I feel awful..."

                                            "You and me both, that's why God invented alcohol."

                                            >With that, you both swig your drinks.

                                            "Christ, I have to go home in a bit..."

                                            >"You could always stay."

                                            "I thought you said you didn't want me staying at the castle because I was 'tainted'."

                                            >"Oh yes, I -did- say that, didn't I? Please leave immediately. Your presence disgusts me."

                                            "Quit being a tyrant, I'm a man on the edge."

                                            >"I wish I could understand your pain but I, ah, don't."

                                            "Gee, Princess Celestia, you sure are a good shoulder to cry on."

                                            >"In my experience, drinking is a better solution to life's problems than emotional outbursts."

                                            "Is that why you're always swaying when you give your speeches?... is that why you're always swaying in general?"

                                            >"I've had a serious alcohol problem ever since Luna returned. And since she was banished. And since she was born."

                                            >Celestia ponders for a moment.

                                            >"I think Luna is the reason I drink."

                                            "Sheesh, and I thought my family hated me."

                                            >"At least you won't live to see your ten thousandth birthday."

                                            "You're right. My life is pretty great when compared to yours, huh?"

                                            >"Now who's being the cold shoulder?"

                                            "I suppose what we should take from all this is that Fluttershy is terrible and alcohol will always be there for us in our time of need."

                                            >"We have each other as well."

                                            >You smile affectionately at Celestia.

                                            >She gives you a lopsided, very drunken smile back.

                                            >"...Well until you die in seventy or so years."

                                            "You always know just what to say, Celly."

                                            >The two of you laugh together heartily, content in each others company and indulging in alcohol until the sun goes down and you're too tired to laugh anymore.

                                            >At which point Celestia passes out and you have to carry her back into the castle, up 10 flights of stairs to her room, all whilst drunk, and in the dead of night.

                                            >You did your back in doing all that.

                                            >Celestia laughed at you when she woke up.

                                            >Then vomited on your shirt.

                                            >Fucking Celestia.


                                            The End.