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[FLUTTERRAPE] Cookies

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 08:41:54 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: November 21st, 2020
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. An Anon posted: "Flutters eats one of her rape cookies to show you that there's nothing wrong with them. It ends poorly for you."
  5.  
  6. ---
  7.  
  8. >You delicately place the next playing card on your carefully-assembled structure.
  9. >Standing back from your kitchen table, you wipe the sweat from your forehead and proudly observe your finished masterpiece.
  10. >The two sole cards you'd leant against each other flop sideways; your last hour of progress evaporated.
  11. >You look again at the diagram of the completed house of cards on the back of the box you'd bought earlier that day, then to the house of failure before you.
  12. "They made this look a lot easier on TV."
  13. >A knock on the door drags you out of your musing.
  14. >You don't move for a while, frowning still at the cards.
  15. >As the knocks get louder, you hear a muffled curse, where-after the back door from the kitchen to the garden swings open.
  16. >You catch Fluttershy hastily stuffing a spare key into her mane and beaming at you.
  17. >"Hello Anonymous! Your um, door was unlocked."
  18. "Fluttershy." you state flatly.
  19. >She trots across the tiled floor and helps herself to a seat, setting a saddlebag on the table and opening it.
  20. >"I just got done making these, and I think you'll really like them!"
  21. >The mare clears the table of your cards with a single hoof stroke, and replaces them with an aromatic box.
  22. >Popping the lid, she turns the box to you with a flourish.
  23. >"Ta-daaah!"
  24. >You raise your eyebrows at the cookies neatly arranged within.
  25. "What's the occasion?" you frown at the pony, "What did you break this time?"
  26. >"Nothing! I just thought you'd appreciate one!"
  27. >She shoves the box over to you, the mare rubbing her hooves together in anticipation.
  28. >You stare down at the immaculately-made cookies, still clearly fresh out of the oven.
  29. >As you reach a hand for them, you pause and look up at Fluttershy.
  30. >She's completely rigid, eyes darting between the box and you.
  31. >"Something wrong?"
  32. "...Yes."
  33. >You nudge the box towards the centre of the table.
  34. "It would be rude of me to have the first cookie. You should have it; they're yours after all."
  35. >"Oh, um, no thank you, I'd rather you had it."
  36. "Are you sure? How do you know they're any good?"
  37. >"I already had one before I came, trust me, they're fine."
  38. "Then why are you so reluctant to have another?"
  39. >"The cookies are fine, Anon!" the mare forces a laugh, "They were made with love!"
  40. "Oh come on now, everything you do is made with love."
  41. >You select a treat from the box and offer it to her.
  42. "As thanks for making me such a wonderful selection."
  43. >She eyes the cookie nervously.
  44. >You fix her with your hardest stare.
  45. "Eat. It."
  46. >The pony gulps, and carefully reaches her neck forward, ever-so-slightly licking a couple of crumbs off one side of the cookie.
  47. >"S-see?" her smile quivering, "It's fine."
  48. >You both stare at each other.
  49. >Then Fluttershy's eyes roll back in her skull and she face-plants the table, toppling off her chair and hitting the floor with an audible thud.
  50. "AHA!" you hurl the cookie at the bin in the corner of the room. "I -knew- it! Nice try, Fluttershy, but I'm wise to your culinary deceptions after the tortilla fiasco."
  51. >...
  52. "Fluttershy?"
  53. >You walk around the table and look at the crumpled mess that is your would-be assailant.
  54. >Nudge her with a foot; no response.
  55. "Ah."
  56. >You crouch down and hold a finger in front of her nose.
  57. >There's a faint, rhythmic warmth there, so she's not dead at least.
  58. "Alright, let's get you home."
  59. >You hoist her into your arms, the mare a dead-weight.
  60. >Knees trembling, you stagger a few steps forward towards the backdoor.
  61. >Realising that you're going to have to carry her across the whole of Ponyville if you're going to get her back home, you sag in defeat and drop her.
  62. >The mare smashes her face against the tiled floor, but you ignore it and step over her to head for your garden shed.
  63.  
  64. >Fluttershy's body is a tight fit, but you manage to squeeze her into the little pull-cart you had stashed away.
  65. >One of her hooves is draped over the side; you couldn't quite get it to fit with everything else.
  66. >Her box of cookies is stuffed somewhere in with her; you thought it would be funny to have her wake up to them as a reminder of her latest embarrassment.
  67. >Taking up the handle of the cart, you drag her towards your gate to begin your journey back to her house.
  68. >As you leave, you become aware of someone watching you.
  69. >Bon Bon, your neighbour, currently working away in her own back garden, has paused mid-prune to watch you.
  70. >She looks between you, and the unresponsive body of Fluttershy; the pegasus' face still a bit bloody from when she hit her nose against your kitchen floor twice.
  71. >Slowly, she rises, and backs away from you.
  72. "Uh. Hi, Bon Bon."
  73. >You sniff and look around to see if anyone else is watching you.
  74. >No one is around; you think you see a nearby cloud shake, though it was likely you being paranoid.
  75. "How's the garden?"
  76. >Bon Bon, rather than answering, canters back into her house and slams the door shut.
  77. "Yeah, she'll be fine," you say to yourself as you continue your journey, "nothing telling about that; it's all good."
  78.  
  79. >As you trundle through the outskirts of Ponyville, several other ponies have similar reactions.
  80. >So much so that you start to wonder if dragging the limp body of a beloved member of the community through town was a bad idea.
  81. >Your suspicions are confirmed as you traverse a quiet dirt road when you hear a shout.
  82. >"Stop right there, Anonymous!"
  83. >You turn to see none other than the newly-recruited Officer Berry Punch glaring at you.
  84. >She marches right up to you, her head craned back to look you straight in the eye, a hoof on her head to stop her hat falling off.
  85. >"What's all this then?"
  86. "I'm simply escorting my friend back to her home--"
  87. >"Cut the crap, Anon; you and Fluttershy are friends the same way booze and I used to be friends. You're in an abusive co-dependent relationship that will only result in self-destruction."
  88. >Berry was never the same after she went clean.
  89. >"It's like my counsellor says; the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting that you have one. So what's the problem? What have you done?"
  90. "Berry, it's--"
  91. >"Officer Berry to you, citizen."
  92. "Officer Berry," you say, resisting the urge to roll your eyes, "Fluttershy simply ate some cookies that disagreed with her, so I'm taking her home."
  93. >Better not mention the drugs or you'll only make things worse.
  94. >"Uh huh. Cookies. So it was cookies that knocked her out and gave her a broken nose? The old Fillydelphian Kiss? Come on, Anon, you and I both know that's baloney. She pissed you off, you lashed out, and now, because you don't know when to quit what you -think- is a good thing, you're attempting to make amends to try and delude yourself into thinking you're still in control."
  95. >She stamps her hoof.
  96. >"That's now how it works, Anon! This won't stop until you give up the thing controlling your life!"
  97. "...Right, so anyway, I'm taking her home. Good day, officer."
  98. >You try to step past her, but she blocks your path.
  99. >"I'm sorry Anon. I've had numerous complaints already from concerned citizens, so I'm taking you down to the station."
  100. "What? I've not even done anythi--"
  101. >"I don't wanna hear it. I care about you, Anon, I wanna see you get clean of this."
  102. "Get clean of what, what the f--"
  103. >"I can help you."
  104. >She rests a hoof against your leg and smiles.
  105. >"But I can only help you if you let me help you."
  106. "Those AA meetings really ruined you, didn't they."
  107. >"Quit sassing me, human; now come on, don't make this more difficult than it needs to be."
  108. "Berry, I'm not going anywhere with you, stop making this into a thing, it's literally nothing."
  109. >"Officer Berry; and if you don't come peacefully, I will have to detain you."
  110. "That's really not necessary--"
  111. >She snaps into an almost mechanical way of speaking.
  112. >"You have the right to remains silence, anything ewes say can of will be used again you in a courtship law. You have the right to a turn. If you can't afford to turn, one will be provided by you. Do you understand the right of way? With the right sin mind, will you make a wish and speak about me?"
  113. "...I don't think any of that was right, Berry; like, at all."
  114. >You glance at Fluttershy.
  115. >Then at the box.
  116. "...Although I might be convinced if you'll try a cookie before we go? Fluttershy didn't like them but maybe you will?
  117. >Berry was glaring at you, but her expression softens.
  118. >"Sharing is caring! That's one of the things that'll help you get on the straight and narrow, Anon. A problem shared is a problem halved!"
  119. "Of course, of course. So, uh, here."
  120. >You lean down and rustle around in the box crammed next to Fluttershy's sizeable rear end.
  121. >Extracting one of the more intact cookies, you offer it to Berry.
  122. >She regards it curiously, stepping closer and sniffing it deeply.
  123. >"Smells good! Kinda familiar, actually, what are they made of?"
  124. >Before you can answer, her eyes drift in opposite directions, her tongue rolls out of her mouth with a 'blarh' and she collapses sideways.
  125. >You blink several times and drop the cookie involuntarily.
  126. >Then glare down at the still unconscious Fluttershy.
  127. "Lord, woman, how many drugs did you stuff in these things?!"
  128. >Fluttershy snores in response.
  129. >You survey the area.
  130. >Thankfully, this path doesn't see a lot of traffic, but you still have the body of a police officer to deal with.
  131. >...
  132. >It ends up being a lot easier stuffing Berry inside a bush on the side of the road than it was cramming Fluttershy and her generous bottom into a cart.
  133. >You step back from the undergrowth; dusting the dead leaves and twigs off your clothes, and take up the cart handle again.
  134. "Our quest continues, Fluttershy."
  135. >The pony is silent.
  136. "Not sure if this will be worth it, but at least I'm getting my daily exercise hauling you around."
  137.  
  138. >About half-way to the cottage, you hear a sound like a rush of wind above you.
  139. >Casting your gaze sky-ward, you see naught but clouds.
  140. >Shrugging, you continue.
  141. >You hear the noise again, but ignore it, instead focusing on how much your right arm hurts from dragging the cart.
  142. >"Can I get that for you?"
  143. "Oh, yeah, sure, thanks Rainbow."
  144. >"No problem."
  145. >You offer the cart handle to Rainbow Dash, who is floating next to you with a big grin stretched across her face.
  146. "...Ah."
  147. >The mare chortles and lands by the cart, prodding Fluttershy's face with a wing.
  148. >"Ooo, she's out cold. You've had a really weird afternoon so far, haven'tcha?"
  149. "In what way?"
  150. >"Well I mean, first putting Shy in a cart, then scaring Bon Bon and a whole bunch of other ponies, then drugging Berry and stuffing her in a bush, and now you're talking to me!"
  151. >She thinks on her hooves for a hot second.
  152. >"Not saying I'm weird, though. Everyone else might be but I'm not."
  153. "Is your job really so boring that you have to spy on me to amuse yourself?"
  154. >"You know it!" the mare beams at you, "So! What was it this time? Did you have a fight?"
  155. "She tried drugging me with some--"
  156. >You slap Rainbow's hoof away from the squashed box she was reaching for.
  157. "--Cookies."
  158. >"Oh. But you -then- had a fight and forced one down her throat?"
  159. "No, she ate one herself."
  160. >"Then when did you fight?"
  161. "We didn't fight; no one had a fight."
  162. >"Why is her nose busted then?"
  163. "She hit her face against the floor after she ate a cookie; also I dropped her."
  164. >"So you -did- have a fight!"
  165. "Why are you so interested in Fluttershy and I fighting?"
  166. >"I'm not; just think it's fun to think about. You know, the two of you wrestling together, bodies all sweaty and stuff, grunting, trying to see who's strong enough to be on top."
  167. "I worry about you sometimes."
  168. >"But I get it, you're too shy, it's fine. Guess some of FlutterSHY has rubbed of on you, ah? Ahh?"
  169. "Definitely not."
  170. >...
  171. "-Definitely- not in the way you're thinking."
  172. >"Pshh, buzzkill. So anyway, do you want help? Does she need taking home or something?"
  173. "That's the plan, yeah."
  174. >"Nice! Oh, one more thing before we go though."
  175. "Hm?"
  176. >"I kinda swiped one of the cookies whilst you weren't looking."
  177. >You note the crumbs around her mouth.
  178. "...But -why-?"
  179. >"I live for the moment, Anon."
  180. >Her right eye twitches violently, she makes a noise like a donkey getting choked, and promptly faints onto Fluttershy.
  181. >Now with two almost-dead ponies in your cart, you release a drawn out sigh and flex your right arm, readying it for further trials.
  182.  
  183. >About 15 seconds into the trials, you decide that Rainbow is just too much to carry as well, so you shove her body off Fluttershy and prop her up against a nearby tree, hooves folded over her belly so it looks like she's sleeping.
  184.  
  185. >40 minutes and 2 more drugged ponies later, you wheeze as you drag your laden cart up Fluttershy's garden path to her cottage.
  186. >You tip the cart over and watch Fluttershy flop out.
  187. >Gripping her by her mane, you drag her into her home and dump her on the sofa.
  188. >Then put the thoroughly mauled box of disintegrated cookies next to her.
  189. >Wiping your sweaty hands on your pants, you sit down next to her to catch your breath for a few minutes.
  190. >Lily Rose you can understand being curious about the cookies, but why did Lyra Heartstrings feel the need to eat one as well immediately after watching her friend collapse?
  191. >Ponies are living proof that Darwinism doesn't select for intelligence.
  192. >With a grunt, you stand up, take one last look at Fluttershy and her overly-round hips, pocket the spare key she'd stolen previously, then head back outside.
  193. >You immediately grimace upon doing so.
  194. >The eight police ponies that now surround you look thoroughly annoyed.
  195. >Berry Punch stands at the front; an ice-pack on her head.
  196. "Honestly, I'm just surprised you're up so soon."
  197. >"Let's call it a mild-immunity to narcotics following a life of hedonistic sin."
  198. "You are -such- a bore nowadays."
  199. >"Tell it to the judge."
  200. "You want me to tell the judge he's a bore?--"
  201. >Before you can finish sassing her again you're dog-piled by the 7 other officers.
  202.  
  203. >Now you have to perform two hundred hours of community service and attend counselling with Berry Punch.
  204. >But at least you managed to get your spare key back.
  205. >Thanks, Fluttershy.
  206.  
  207. The End.
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