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How Anon, Snips and Trixie saved Equestria, pt. 5

By woggs123
Created: 2024-08-23 23:23:50
Updated: 2024-08-29 00:16:13
Expiry: Never
luna/kinder/kinderquestriakinderdinkysnailssnipsinexplicable fusion reactor

  1. >>41030390
  2. >>40977103
  3. >Anon's dancing a jig, clicking his stupidly long legs together and cackling
  4. >At least he is until he goes outside and sees-
  5. >"HOW DID YOU LITTLE JERKS SEAR THE PAINT CLEAN OFF MY CAR!?"
  6. >Before you can react, you catch a chancla straight to the face-
  7. >Baba_o'riley.mp3
  8. >Yep, be me- Snips- I bet you're wondering how I ticked off the nice farmer enough to start chasing me with an unregistered flip-flop. Honestly, I am too-
  9. >Ow
  10. >Apparently, being smacked with a chancla is enough to make you think in first person for a bit.
  11. >This is fine.
  12. >You should start where you left off- back at Casa Del Anon.
  13.  
  14.  
  15. "AAAAAAAAA! DINKY! GRAB IT!"
  16. >A light golden glow surrounds the bundle of beets, just barely pushing its trajectory away from Berry Punch's open mouth
  17. "We showed you the stash of snackies! We need to deliver these down south!"
  18. >"WE ATE THOSE ALREADY!"
  19. >"Come on, kid, we've been going hungry for weeks!"
  20. >"Why don't we just eat him? Then the other two can have their dumb dirt froot!"
  21. >You, and the crowd, stare at Ruby Pinch with open mouths.
  22. >Her mother agrees, saying you've got at least 40 hayburgers worth of chub on you.
  23. "HA! Shows what you know- my last doctor's visit said I weighed SIXTY hayburgers!"
  24. >"Even better! We'll have enough to share with the stallions!"
  25. "EW! I ain't getting put inside a bunch of gross old dudes! See ya!"
  26. >Time to skedaddle!
  27. >You take a long path, purposely slowing down at times to keep the chase going.
  28. >Occasionally, you dip into the beet fields to trip ponies with the roots.
  29. >Or through the house, where nopony who doesn't know they're allowed to would dare run or jump (it's the rules!)
  30. >Not once are you in any real danger, seeing as you're almost properly fed and the mares are all starving.
  31. >Eventually though, even an engine running on bottled diabeetus will run dry- you're starting to feel the burn in your legs.
  32. >A ladder! You scramble on up to the roof now, while you've still got the energy.
  33. >Your would-be consumers gather around the ladder and stare pitifully at you- when they aren't coughing or keeling over, that is.
  34. >"*gasp!* *wheeze!* Come on, Snips- we don't want to kill you, we just want to boil off all your fat and drink it like the world's worst smoothie! We're not monsters!"
  35. >"Wait, what!? That sounds even more icky and profane than eating colt meat!"
  36. >"I definitely wanted to slurp his dumb little brains up, I think I can get him with this brick- oh, nopony is listening yet again.... I should probably be glad for that."
  37. "No, you can't have my pudginess! Without my chubby cheeks I'm not a lovable rascal, just a normal unsupervised kid!"
  38. >"Pleeeeeeaaaaase?"
  39. >Crud, Ruby is making her saddest face yet
  40. >You can spare a little bit of rump meat to stop her tummy hurting, right?
  41. >AOSUDHAOSUDH
  42. >No!
  43. "I'm doing all of you a favor! Everypony knows the punishment for snacking on a pony is permanent time out! Now, buzz off- I got a ride to catch!"
  44. >Nope
  45. >Nothing
  46. "Uhhh.... I SAID: I HAVE A RIDE TO CATCH!"
  47.  
  48. -----
  49.  
  50. >Hayburgers.
  51. >Well, ol' Snips, looks like you're about to find out what being soup feels like.
  52. >Probably feels...
  53. >Soupy.
  54. >Huh. Did somepony just try to throw a brick at you, only to fumble it and hit herself in the face?
  55. >Sure sounds like it.
  56. >You peek over the edge and sure enough:
  57. >Linky is looking suspiciously smacked-in-the-face-with-a-brick tonight.
  58. >"Come on down, Snips! At least it won't be booooooring like it is up there!"
  59. >OH NO! She's right- there's nothing to do up here! You've run yourself right into a timeout corner of your own making!
  60. "Hmmm. Be bored for an hour, get eaten. Be bored for an hour, get eaten. Be bored-"
  61. >The unspoken third option is mercifully chosen for you when everypony below scatters away from the rapidly approaching-
  62. >Okay, no, the wagon is meandering. It'll be here eventua-
  63. >You cry out as the wagon suddenly accelerates, smacks into the wall, and knocks you off the roof
  64. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
  65. >You belly flop onto the metal surface of the wagon's front.
  66. >Feels like the engine is under this part.
  67. "OPEN THE DOOR! LEMME IN! I SAW RUBY MAKING A DRY RUB OUTTA CHEESY POOF DUST!"
  68. >"We can't! It takes both of us to drive this thing! You're gonna have to climb into the window! Onto the roof, go go go!"
  69. "SNAILS! YOU CAN STOP FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS TO HIT THE LATCH!"
  70. >"Later! Just hold on while we get away from the unfed horde!"
  71. >Easier said than done, especially since the machine keeps swerving around and changing speed.
  72. >This is nuts! You knew it was gonna be hard to drive, but really!?
  73. >You risk a glance into the cabin- hold on?
  74. >No.
  75. >Even Snails can't be that dumb.
  76. >And Dinky too!?
  77. "DUDE! THAT'S DINKY ON THE WHEEL!"
  78. >"Yeah, so?"
  79. "SO WHY IS SHE NOT SITTING UP WHERE SHE CAN SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING!?"
  80. >".....OHHHHH."
  81. >He looks down and mutters before being replaced with a periwinkle filly.
  82. >The piloting improves almost immediately, and you think you hear Snails say "I TOLD YOU SO!"
  83. >Now that the helmsfilly can see, the wagon quickly gets far enough from the farm that nopony could catch up.
  84. >"ENGINEERING, FULL STOP!"
  85. >"FULL STOP!"
  86. >The machine rolls to a halt long enough for its missing officer to board. Dinky is giving you a scrunchy look.
  87. >"Hmph. I coulda spent the WHOLE TRIP at eye level with Snails's-"
  88. >EW EW EW
  89. >"Tummy! I love watching him breathe, but you just had to-"
  90. "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE OVER THE PEDALS!?"
  91. >She stares at you, dumbfounded.
  92. >She really didn't think of that.
  93. >Oh, mare. And she wants to order foals with Snails.
  94. >Terrifying. Not as terrifying as Jerry jumping around like a cat, though.
  95. >Which he's totally doing, since he's apparently managing all these machines.
  96. >Where the crud did he learn do do all this? He's just a dog-
  97. >What's that screen say?
  98. "Fusion... core... power.... balancing. Caution: must be monitored while vehicle is powered on. Failure to balance power distribution will result in explosive reactor failure."
  99. >Yeah, best not to bother him right now. Onwards!
  100.  
  101. -----
  102.  
  103. >It takes but a few minutes to roll well away from the hungy horses.
  104. >Funny thing is, you think you could outrun this wagon in a dead gallop-
  105. >At least at these speeds- Anon could probably drive it faster since it was made for his kind and all.
  106. >Still, it's a house that carries itself around, complete with lights and a potty in the back.
  107. >Probably a cannon mounted somewhere, come to think of it.
  108. >There's even a compass built into the roof...
  109. >Wow, this wagon's basically a land pirate ship!
  110. >Pipsqueak would be so jealous!
  111. >...Pipsqueak.
  112. >And all your other friends/family/ponies-who-politely-tolerate you.
  113. >There's a thousand ponies in Ponyville alone, all counting on you.
  114. >Really makes you think...
  115. >No!
  116. >Don't get caught up in that.
  117. >Failure. Is. Not. An. Option.
  118. >A female voice comes from below: "Orders, captain?"
  119. "Wait-what-who?"
  120. >
  121. >"I dunno, you were staring forward and squinting and looking all serious- seems pretty captain-y to me!"
  122. >Captain, huh?
  123. >You look at the map of Equestria, course plotted in red marker.
  124. >Southeast of Dodge City, deep in the Hayseed Swamp, right on the border of the forbidden jungle- Equestria's sugar basket is marked.
  125. "Okay, we follow the train route to Dodge for as long as we can. We can't afford to get lost when we've got perishable cargo!"
  126. >"PERISHABLE!? You didn't tell me we were carrying poison!"
  127. "What? No! Perishable means IT can go bad, not that it makes YOU go bad, sheesh!"
  128. >Wait, how did you know that? That's a big word.
  129. >Maybe you HAVE been learning stuff with Anon and Trixie-
  130. >TRIXIE!
  131. >YOUR LOVE!
  132. "Yar! Hoist the mainsail! Helm, hard to port- we needs to be goin' sou'easterly, at all haste! Mister Jeremy, mind we don't blow our powder stores! YAR, I say!"
  133. >
  134. >
  135. >Crickets sure are loud tonight.
  136. "UGH! Don't you guys ever play pirate? What I meant was: Dinky, step on the go-button! Snails, get us going towards Dodge City! Jerry, keep.... doing whatever it is you're doing!"
  137. >"AYE, CAP'N"
  138. >"You got it, Snips!"
  139. >"BOOF!"
  140.  
  141. -----
  142.  
  143. >It's been at least an hour since the LS Queen Trixie's Revenge left land-port.
  144. >She's kept a steady clip, cutting land-waves like she's flying but on land-
  145. >Wait, no, the land-waves come later, in the desert.
  146. >You're still in that transition phase, where the earth can't decide if it wants to be forested meadows or desert plains.
  147. >It's also past midnight, isn't it? How freaking long were you passed out on the edge of town?
  148. >Yaaaaaawn
  149. >Eyes getting heavy
  150. >Car getting faster
  151. >Car getting faster?
  152. >Ravine getting closer-
  153. >CRUD!
  154. >Your panicked yanking is all that prevents your capsizing into a dumb little canyon for babies
  155. >Okay, now you can take a second-
  156. >Dinky had apparently fallen asleep and put all her weight on the go-button; Snails had started using the helm as a chin-rest and dragged it hard to port.
  157. >....Apparently she and Snails switched places when you weren't looking.
  158. >That filly is weirder about Snails than you are about Trixie!
  159. "WAKE UP! HOLY HAYBURGERS!"
  160. >"I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE!", Snails says almost convincingly
  161. >"OUCH!"
  162. >OOF, sounds like Dinky hit her horn on something.
  163. >She puked a little and fell right over on the- CAR GETTING FASTER!
  164. >CRAP!
  165. >You and Snails drag her out of the pedal-pit
  166. >It's hard work- she's heavier than she looks
  167. >Not to call her fat or anything, it's just that most creatures are heavier than they look to an overconfident teenage colt
  168. >The car bleeds off the rest of its speed, stopping just short of....
  169. >Nothing, actually! Phew!
  170. >Okay, time to take a breather- you follow Jerry's instructions to put the center lever into P
  171. >P for Ponies Can Take A Break Now, duh
  172. >As you do so, he flips a bunch of switches on that scary arcade machine- it had gone red for a moment, now it's nice and green again
  173. >The doors automatically lock- to protect you from the heat venting outside, he says.
  174. >Oh, right.
  175. >You could almost forget this thing is a rolling fortress powered by A SECOND SUN.
  176. "Why can't we just turn it off, if we gotta stop somewhere?"
  177. >"Rawr."
  178. "Oh, yeah- I guess I never thought about how much power it'd take to make another sun. Can't the roof panels make ee-lick-trickery, though?"
  179. >"Bork."
  180. "It takes HOW long to recharge one of those batteries!?"
  181. >"Bork."
  182. >That explains why Anon doesn't flaunt his cool stuff, at least
  183. >He might be a humble guy, but nobody's humble enough to not feel cool in the seat of this thingy!
  184. >Well, enough talking shop about ship!
  185. >You turn to your loyal crew-
  186. >Correction: You turn to your lazy and sleepy crew.
  187. "Alright, boys and boy(lady), we need to rest for the night. Jerry says we can't leave while it's rigged to sit idle- either it spits out enough heat to rotisserize Scootaloo or it blows up."
  188. >"I gotta pee!"
  189. "There's a potty back there- plus a couple beds, we'll be fine."
  190. >"A COUPLE beds, huh?"
  191. >Dinky leans in real close to Snails as she says that
  192. >And falls over as he walks obliviously towards the bathroom.
  193. >Head?
  194. >Wheely Terlet?
  195. "Yep, naturally the boys will sleep together- Jerry can sleep with you, everypony knows it doesn't count if it's a pet."
  196. >"Snips, I'm getting REALLY tired of you! Let Snails decide what he-"
  197. "Trust me, I'm doing you a favor- he's really big on kicking AND farting, there's a reason he never gets invited to sleepovers."
  198. >"Assume I'm not deterred- shouldn't I learn to put up with it early? Huh?"
  199. "Why are you making this a-"
  200. >"Besides, CAPTAIN, there's a limit on how good fraternizing can be-"
  201. "What do you even mean by that?"
  202. >You hear a flush and the door latch working
  203. >Snails comes back, whistling one of his weird little tunes
  204. >Naturally, he's heard every part of this conversation except for the part where Dinky is being the kind of weirdo she'd never get away with being if she weren't also being a filly.
  205. >"Nah, she's got a point Skipper, it's cool that we don't have to salute or use rank or anything but I feel like if you get too chummy with us, we're gonna lose respect in your authority."
  206. "Whose side are you on, dude!?"
  207. >"There are no sides, captain. This is how it's done. You and Sailmaster Jeremiah take the bottom bunk, the wheelcolt and the anchor-puller take the top one."
  208. "I... ugh, fine, as long as you're both cool with-"
  209. >"IAMTHANKYOUCAPTAIN!" is all you hear as Dinky drags Snails away.
  210. >Ugh
  211. >The worst part is, you can't even say they're wrong
  212. >Imagine if Princess Celestia herself sat on an uncomfy throne?
  213. >You go to Canterlot on business, expecting to be greeted by the coolest mompony ever, from her big sofa?
  214. >The very same sofa that held BOTH royal rumps when they ruled from the Castle of the Two Sisters?
  215. >Painstakingly preserved for 1500 years-
  216. >But instead she's sitting on a crummy, hard chair, made of some cheap material like gold or mahogany?
  217. >Madness!
  218. >Oh mare, that adrenaline from almost blowing up in a ditch is finally wearing off
  219. >Sleepy.eepy
  220. >Time to crawl into bed
  221. >You walk across the carpeted bailey of your motor-castle, passing by a mini-kitchen and a bunch of your cargo
  222. >It occurs to you that Anon never even said what he was doing in New Horseleans, beyond trying to sell an idea
  223. >You really just took the beets to keep them out of those ponies
  224. >Huh. Thinking it in plain words like that, you feel like a jerk.
  225. >It wasn't enough for you to take from the stored snackies- snackies they were hungry enough to scarf down in under an hour
  226. >No, you had to take raw ingredients too
  227. >All on the only-kinda-based assumption that Anon had a plan for them right now
  228. >Hey!
  229. >You're staring into the dark, questioning your decisions!
  230. >You've got this captain thing down good!
  231. >Crew quarters at the aft! Time to crawl into bed.
  232. >You're already wavering- thank goodness the captain doesn't have to climb ladders to get to his rack!
  233. >Wow, bottom bunk is huuuge!
  234. >Well, obviously it's Anon-sized, but...
  235. >Why the heck is the top bed smaller? It's not Jerry-sized, but not properly Anon-sized either.
  236. >"Honk-mimimOW! Honk-mimimimOW!"
  237. >You tried to warn Dinky, but at least she sounds like she's sleeping through it.
  238. >Gonna be sore in the morning, though, and not in the way she might've hoped-
  239. >EW, BAD THOUGHTS!
  240. >Sleepytime! Quick, before you imagine Snails giving her a backrub-
  241. >Dang it!
  242.  
  243. -----
  244.  
  245. >>41041151
  246. >>40977103
  247. >It's a great day in Ponyville!
  248. >Breakfast is your mom's patented More-Chocolate-Than-Pancake Chocolate Chip Pancakes
  249. >Trixie is running her combination kissing booth/card trick stand
  250. >"Ah, the Rugged and Handsome Snips graces Trixie with his presence- would he perhaps care to use the FRIEND DISCOUNT?!?"
  251. >Oh you got her now- you do the thing Horse Clooney loves to do
  252. "No-"
  253. >Pause for a sec, stare down, then up and right into her eyes
  254. "I'd prefer to make it a coltfriend discount."
  255. >Trixie swoons, falling lips-first into yours
  256. >Oh baby, give her the long kiss, mares love long kisses-
  257. >Wait, why is Trixie shriveling up?
  258. >For that matter, why is Trixie now burgundy?
  259. >Berry Punch!? Why are you kissing Berry Punch!?
  260. >"Help me! He-e-e-e-elp me-e-e-e-e!"
  261. >For emphasis, she pulls Ruby out from behind the counter, practically shoving her withered tummy into your face
  262.  
  263. "What do you want from me? I'm trying!"
  264. >"Trying what? Eating ALL our food!? Oggling that mare who's totally out of your league despite being a worthless hack!? HUH?"
  265. >You'd try to disprove that, but the chocolate on your face is all the evidence they need
  266. >Only one defense remains:
  267.  
  268. >Run.exe!
  269. >Through market square, hop over the apple stand, ignore Applejack calling you a dang varmint
  270. >Turn down an alleyway to avoid hitting two ponies and their big glass pane, duck under a hole in the fence
  271. >Dang it, you wish someone had seen how cool that looked!
  272. >Find yourself... in front of the flower sisters
  273. >They're not even saying anything, just sobbing and staring out into nowhere
  274. "Please! Just hold on a little longer!"
  275. >It's no use- half the town is crawling out of the woodworks, begging you to make it stop
  276. >Nowhere is safe, everypony hates you, except-
  277. >Mom!
  278. >Moms never judge- well, they never hold a grudge, there's a difference
  279. >But it's a difference that doesn't matter right now!
  280. >You'll be safe once you reach home base
  281. >Zip down mane street, take the first turn clockwise at town hall, straight down Horse Pun Avenue
  282. >The red painted door on the little house at the end is all that separates you from maternal comfort!
  283. >Fumbling with the latch feels like it takes an hour, every second bringing more judgmental eyes on you
  284. >Finally! Open the door, get inside-
  285. >THWACK!
  286. >"Waaaaaahahaha"
  287. >THWACK!
  288. >"It was all for nothing- look at my son, just sitting here!
  289. >THWACK!
  290. "Mom, I-"
  291. >THWACK!
  292.  
  293. -----
  294.  
  295. >You can't look!
  296. >You need to be anywhere but here!
  297. >Turn around to find the door's... gone
  298. >So is the wall, actually-
  299. >All four walls of your house recede, replaced with sickly eyes in blackness
  300. "Stop! Go away! Leave me alone!"
  301. >"Why should we listen to you? You never listen to anypony who isn't shaking their rump and taking our money!"
  302. >The eyes approach you, grabbing you with wispy, shadowy tendrils
  303. >There's too many of them to fight off, and you're dragged by the hindlegs towards something unpleasant
  304. >Momma didn't raise a quitter- you claw with your front legs as much as you can, but there's a lot more legs pulling you back than forward
  305. >The more the abyss touches you, the more you just... stop caring about being nice
  306. >You recall Anon, being a big dummy who ran off without a plan B
  307. >Trixie, if she just hadn't come to town-
  308. >Dinky, throwing herself at Snails like you wish Trixie would at you
  309. >Snails, being so freaking dumb he doesn't even know what he's got
  310. >The guilt gets replaced with indignation at this assault
  311. >Indignation, with anger
  312. >How dare the world be like this? How dare they stand up to you?
  313. >If this is how Ponyville wants to treat you, they can eat dirt!
  314.  
  315. >Something shifts in the dark, and a set of white teeth grin in victory
  316. >"That's right, boy- just let me help you. The world is a suck, ain't it? Take what's yours and only look out for yourself!"
  317. >The two of you are coming to some pretty good points, honestly
  318. >And for an evil face in the darkness, it seems pretty trustworthy- didn't your mom teach you not to judge?
  319. >"You're not convinced- that's alright, look at all we could have, together!"
  320. >Images of weapons, of ponies bowing down to Trixie, of a desk with your name on it right next to "Trixie's Great and Powerful Studmuffin" flash by you
  321. >Ooh, was that a chubby blue foal over there?
  322. >You damn near give in right there, but...
  323. >Something stops you
  324. >Someday, he'd ask you what you do, how you met mommy, how-
  325. >How you can hurt ponies every day and feel good?
  326. >You could never face him-
  327.  
  328. >You could never face him like this.
  329. >No! This isn't right! This thing wants you to hurt ponies! Don't give in!
  330. >Keep crawling! Even if it gets you, at least you won't have just let it!
  331. >You barely manage to pull an inch forward, and-
  332. >Is it a little brighter? What's that voice saying?
  333. >No- don't worry about that! Just move!
  334. >Anon gave you a REAL job!
  335. >Trixie actually remembered your name!
  336. >Your crew! They need their captain!
  337. "Hnng! I'll even give you two a shipboard wedding, just don't leave!"
  338. >Every muscle is burning under the strain
  339. >Every time you get a little farther, more cool stuff gets dangled in front of you
  340. >"Why are you fighting? You know they'll just turn on you."
  341. "It doesn't matter what they'll do- I'M not gonna give up!"
  342. >Gritting your teeth, you resolve to keep scrabbling until the end
  343. >Which, let's be honest, isn't far away now
  344. >You know what? No! No more pessimism!
  345. >Take all that anger, and shove it where it belongs: THIS GUY!
  346. >Who does he think he is, trying to turn you against the hottest mare in the world?
  347. >Or the coolest old guy with the coolest dog?
  348. >Or your.. only... friends... wow, yeah.
  349.  
  350. -----
  351.  
  352. >The struggle continues for... well, time means nothing in the Scarybadplace, but a long time at least
  353. >Every inch of ground taken makes you feel like you ran a mile
  354. >It doesn't matter
  355. >You can't fail your friends!
  356. >You won't!
  357. >You'd rather die!
  358. >There's light ahead, and there's more steps behind you than you have ahead of you!
  359. >Is that-
  360. >"Young lad! At last, mine eyes see thee!"
  361. >Holy crap, Luna! She's pulling you to your hooves!
  362. >"LEAN ON ME! THOU NEEDN'T ASK!"
  363. >Wait, if she's here-
  364. >"BEGONE, DEFILER! YOU SHALL NOT HAVE HIM!"
  365. >This is a dream?
  366. >"RUN, CHILD! BEFORE WE ARE OVERWHELMED! WORRY NOT FOR ME!"
  367. >It's all in your head!
  368. >HA HA HA HA! YOU SET THE RULES HERE!
  369. >You will the nightmare away, and stand before Her Highness in a gloomy, moonlit.... room?
  370. >Geometry gets a little stupid in the dream realm, you suppose
  371. >"How... How did you do that?"
  372. >The Princess looks... shocked
  373. "Do what?"
  374. >"You just... banished thy own nightmare."
  375. "Yeah, so? I didn't realize it was a dream until you were here, but dreams are all in your head right? I figured I could just tell it to buzz off, and it worked."
  376. >She's still flabbergasted
  377. >You conjure up some crickets, that'll lighten the mood!
  378. >Her stare sets your nerves on edge, you tense up, ready to run- wait
  379. >Luna is... laughing?
  380. >Not a sensible chuckle or a polite guffaw, either
  381. >She's got that cackling belly-laugh going
  382. >When she finally settles, she's beaming down at you, like your mom did that one time you got an 'A'
  383. >"In all mine years, I hath seen such strength only a few times, and never in mine self."
  384. "Wha-"
  385. >"Here I was, preparing an apology for failing in my duties these last weeks, yet-"
  386. >Come to think of it, your mom smiled like that one other time
  387. >She glanced back, right before going to Cheerilee
  388. >That same smile
  389. >She knew it would be ok. That you'd be more than a dead weight.
  390. >The thought warms your bones.
  391. >"Yet, I believe that you could have saved yourself."
  392. "How? I didn't even know I was dreaming until I saw you."
  393. >She puts a hoof to her chin for a moment, then:
  394. >"Mayhaps 'saved' is too strong a word- 'Endured,' rather. Your heart, I imagine, would have held out until your body awoke naturally. Nay, I know it- few ponies could maintain a standstill, let alone gain ground, when a dream demon has made them its quarry."
  395. "All I did was keep trying to pull myself out!"
  396. >"Indeed."
  397. >The two of you exist for a moment, in companionable silence
  398.  
  399. -----
  400. >>41043299
  401. >>40977103
  402. "Princess?"
  403. >"Hm?"
  404. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You got punted a hundred miles, then got right back to work. You're, uh, doing good?"
  405. >"I.. appreciate thy support, but I was not merely referring to mine dominion over dreams. It is mine sister and I's job to look after Equestria, to stop these disasters before they even occur, and yet I just HAD to eat that damned crayon."
  406. "Crayons are pretty tasty!"
  407. >"Aye, yet how was I supposed to know t'was no longer custom to eat the ceremonial crayon!? Now those carrot-munching pirates answer our messengers with naught but water balloons! Even an entire CRATE of crayons does nothing to sway them!"
  408.  
  409. >Another silence, more uncertain than friendly
  410. >No, you gotta speak up- you might never be this close and personal with the Princess again!
  411. "I'm trying to help with that? Maybe there's some way you can help?"
  412. >Her eyebrow rises
  413. "This old farmer, Anon? He knows how to turn corn and beets into sugar!"
  414. >Her eyebrow rises even higher
  415. "I know, I know, but it works! I've been helping him make samples, he pays me in food, it's why I'm still nice and chunky!
  416. >Luna peers directly into your eyes, scanning for any hint of delusion, doubt or deception
  417.  
  418. >"If you speak truth, then you and your employer might determine Equestria's fate. I know of large-scale farmers of maize and beetroot, in Stalliongrad, the Buffalo confederacies, and even a few burgraves in Mareavia. All of them owe us, if not a boon, then at least favorable rates. Before I invoke any such assistance, I require the full lay of this plan. Explain, please."
  419. >Just like that? Ok, wow.
  420. "He and Trixie went down to New Horseleans, I think to talk to the guy who owns the sugar factories? 'Cause, Anon can only make like a pound or two a day with his machines. When I said samples I meant samples."
  421. >"I presume he left shortly before the collapse of our rail service?"
  422. "Yeah- he left the morning before Cheerilee went nutso- DInky, Snails, Jerry and I barely got out of Ponyville before she put it in detention, and trying to get to Anon and Trixie seemed like the only good option. 'Specially after some refoogies-"
  423. >"Refugees."
  424. "Right, refugees tried to eat us- OH, please don't put them in forever jail! They were too hungry to think straight! I'm not mad at them!"
  425. >"Verily, the severe conditions shall be counted fairly in their defense, I swear it before the Moon and Tree.... Wait a moment, what do you mean 'leave Ponyville?'"
  426. "Oh, we took Anon's wagon- uh, borrowed it! I'm an employee, remember? And Jerry (that's his dog) told me to do it!"
  427. >
  428. >
  429. >
  430. >"Ah, well, if the master's dog has entrusted you, then there is no prob- WAIT. THOU MEANS TO TELL US THOU ART ON THE ROAD, OUTSIDE A SETTLEMENT, DURING A MOONLESS NIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU!? WE SHALL SPARE NO EXPENSE IN THY RESCUE!"
  431.  
  432. -----
  433.  
  434. >Ow. Ears!
  435. "It's fine it's fine it's FINE! The wagon has a big locomotive engine, and lights, and beds, in fact- yeah it's more like a train that can run on roads! We're safe, Princess! At least compared to being around all the grumponies!"
  436. >Luna shifts uncomfortably for a while
  437. >Finally, with another hard look at your eyes, she releases a breath she'd been holding
  438. >"In light of your courage, and the state of emergency, I... will trust your judgment. I assume you are moving towards La-Z-Ana?"
  439. "Yeah. It's not like we have any other leads. We took the rest of Anon's beet crop with us, he's probably really up a creek now that he can't send a pony to come get it. Well, I guess a pegasus could if they were better fed than me right now, so, not really?"
  440. >"That passes muster, I suppose. Though I wonder- why did he not simply pilot this contraption himself? Especially when he knew he would need a cargo delivery?"
  441. "He probably wasn't going to harvest them yet- just leave them in the ground so they wouldn't spoil? We had to run around playing keepaway for a couple hours just to get these two crates... It's not gonna be enough, is it?"
  442. >Luna places a wing on your shoulder
  443. >"Nay, not for the nation entire- yet, it may provide us a surety. Tell me, have you any idea why Tia and I have yet to simply take enough sugar from New Horseleans to jump-start the economy? Or why they would not freely offer it, as towns tend to do in times of crisis?"
  444. "Uh- I hadn't thought about it. Huh. Why *didn't* you just take enough for the guards, at least? I... saw how many..."
  445. >"Did not return from Ponyville, yes."
  446. >Awkward.
  447. >"Simply put: it's against the law for sister or I to do such a thing without hard evidence of severe criminal activity. All of our economic advisors have stated that the current high price of sugar is entirely reasonable considering the low supply and production, which removes the easiest casus belli from our hoof- ah, that is 'cause for war.' "
  448. "Yeah, that makes sense."
  449. >"And while we do technically have unlimited power, recall what happened the last time a princess decided she would take matters into her own hooves and ignore all procedure."
  450. "One of those demons got into her and made her so crazy it didn't matter if she was right or not?"
  451. >Oop
  452. >Maybe that was poor wording
  453. >On the bright side, you can save mom a good spot in line for the slides when you get to the Eternal Playground
  454. >Huh- Luna actually looks kind of happy?
  455.  
  456. >"Aye. Thank you, for not mincing words- I swear, t'was always more tiresome to deal with the yes-mares and the rump-kissers than those who hate me in earnest. Please, never lose your willingness to speak the truth."
  457. >What.
  458. >Did the princess just tell you to insult her?
  459.  
  460. -----
  461.  
  462. >"Ahem. Even in situations where we have every right to step in, invoking royal privilege tends to cause more trouble than it solves, especially if done too often. We prefer to speak highly of a more useful candidate for public office, or to quietly appoint a loyalist to the local branch of whichever house, order or bureau might best assist. Far less trouble, that way."
  463. "So- just find somepony like you said, right?"
  464. >She lets out that kind of chuckle you make when it's really funny how not funny something is
  465. >"'Tis not so simple- La-Z-Ana is known for three things: Quality lounge furniture, a climate capable of producing modest domestic sugar crops, and being.... notionally Equestrian, at best."
  466. "Notionally? What?"
  467. >"Mm- Right- you're a foal, not a politician- Meg be praised. I mean to say, they don't like Equestria, and only put up with us because it benefits them more to put up with us than to break away. They might as well be a different country, albeit one that allows Equestrians to travel without paperwork. Similar to Bitaly, or Griffonstone- but with significantly more bad blood."
  468. "Dang... Why don't they like us?"
  469. >"My rebellion. Most of Nightmare Moon's supporters came from immigrant zebras, or batponies who felt oppressed under the Solar Court, or the various holdings of my mortal family. And guess which part of Equestria has the most batponies and zebras?"
  470. "Oh... Wait, if they were loyal to you, why aren't they now?"
  471. >"The city was once ruled by mine only daughter. Emphasis on 'once.' Though Celestia forgave Lullaby Moonbeam for merely obeying her mother and liege-lady, even granted her House a fledgling colony in the Hayseed swamp.. there was a great deal of resentment and lingering troubles."
  472. "Why? I mean, if Celestia wasn't cheesed off enough to just.. uh..."
  473. >You make a cutting motion and a choking sound.
  474. >"That's precisely why. The Solar court never trusted Lula or I to begin with, and this act of reconciliation only incensed them further. They- mind you, this happened after my banishment, of course. I found out from Celestia. She has a private chamber of blackboards, wherein she has writ the entire sad affair one hundred times."
  475. "One hu- WOW, she must be sorry."
  476. >"She is. Truth be told, I still wanted to fight- I had planned on taking vengeance for my daughter, gone missing in a 'fishing accident' the next year. My grandson, Napping Lion, left an infant with no mother, a puppet of his regent... Seeing all the chalk lines, the tear-stained floor... I could not hate her any longer. Meg, her back was even turned to me- would she have simply allowed me to-"
  477. >She fights back a tear, trying to collect herself
  478. >Maybe get the ball rolling?
  479. "So... they hate you because you messed up and cost them their cushy job in the new regime, and they hate Celestia because... I bet the regent was conveniently some guy from Canterlot? Or, was it the Everfree? Crud, I'm bad at history-"
  480. >"Not as bad as you think- you were correct on both counts. And this is why any plans of taking control of New Horseleans's plantations, refineries, or even its courier service must be legally justifiable and flawlessly executed. Anything less would cost us the city's remaining goodwill, and likely halt its already meagre sugar exports. Equestria would be doomed."
  481. >Wait a second-
  482. >Princess Luna had a kid!?
  483. >Wait, why wouldn't she?
  484. >Come to think of it, it's kinda weird how Celestia doesn't
  485. "Wait- everypony always assumed princess ponies couldn't have babies, but I guess that's wrong?"
  486. >"Aye. I am loathe to speak of it, as is Celestia- I am not surprised you do not know. In truth, I have no living descendants- my distant grandson, and his-"
  487. >She looks politely embarrassed for a moment, before continuing:
  488. >"'not-as-legitimate-as-most-would-like' daughter, were lost in a freak escape artistry accident in Las Pegasus."
  489. >For a moment, a newspaper clipping flashes in front of you
  490. >Luna's voice falters now, punctuating everything with that same unhappy laugh
  491. >"Isn't it just grand? My line continues for 985 years after my banishment, only to be snuffed out barely a decade before my return. The closest thing I have to a living heir? An adopted brother, who keeps the refineries running as he spits on my name."
  492. >Wait a second, on the front page- no way
  493. >What was the daughter's name again?
  494. "Lullaby Moonbeam.... did you, um, by any chance... call her Lulamoon for short?"
  495. >"Why yes, why do you ask?"
  496. "Well- uh- Lulamoon as in... Bellatrix Lulamoon?"
  497. >Luna goes wide-eyed
  498. >Did you forget she could probably turn you into coltburgers without even trying? Well you remember now, doofus!
  499. "Bellatrix... Lulamoon.... AKA The Great and Powerful Trixie?"
  500.  
  501. -----
  502.  
  503. >Oh no, she's making the same face Twilight did with that plushy
  504. >An agonizingly awkward silence passes, until finally-
  505. >"I'm sorry, I must have misheard you."
  506. "N-n-n-no?"
  507. >Another look right into your soul
  508. >If looks could kill, Luna would have killed you, and killed you again just now
  509. >"I see. I may need to investigate this matter personally. I will be in La-Z-Ana, most likely in disguise, and no you may not know my disguise."
  510. "Yeah... that makes sense."
  511. >Luna starts doing a floaty wizard pose.... thing, and you can gradually feel your waking body
  512. >It's like your nerves are waking up before your brain.. you can feel your back aching from sleeping funny already!
  513. >"By the by, an oft-unmentioned side effect of forced dream separation is hypermetabolic renal action.... Apologies in advance, you did say you had a privy available yes?"
  514. "Hypermeta- what"
  515. >"You're going to piss like a wonderbolt. Be ready to run."
  516.  
  517.  
  518. >Back achy
  519. >Legs weighty
  520. >Mom's spaghetti-
  521. >Bed bout to be wetty!
  522. >RUN!
  523. >Phew, you narrowly avoid disgracing your captaincy in front of your crew
  524. >It's still kinda dark out, and you're still kinda tired, but you can't waste any more time!
  525. >You hear your best bro whisper from the top bunk-
  526. >"Ahoy, skipper. Gonna need a minute to get untangled."
  527. >What?
  528. >Right, Dinky probably grabbed onto him
  529. >Speaking of bedmates, where's Jerry?
  530. >Out in the main hold, it seems..
  531. >Why is he cowering and pointing at the window?
  532. >And why is it so dark outside!? You can't even see any stars!
  533. >"S-s-s-s-skipper?"
  534. "Snails?"
  535. >"Something moved out the aft window."
  536. >Sure enough, there's some big long thing swishing around like a cat's tail-
  537. >'Cept cats don't have spikes.
  538. "So- it looks like a big red dragon is using us as a heating pad."
  539. >"Y-y-y-y-yep."
  540. "Dang it."

SCP-509: Equestria Buys a Dog

by woggs123

SCP-9000: Roomba

by woggs123

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by woggs123

SCP-1225-OOF: Chimneys Are Pretty Dangerous

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SCP-101: Mud Coffee

by woggs123