SCP-101: Mud Coffee


                                            SCP-101 'Mud'

                                            Containment Class: Safe

                                            Danger Potential: Lethal, Personal

                                            Moral Decay: 7 (see Incident 'Chalice of Joseph')


                                            Special Cantertainment Ponycedures:

                                            >SCP-101 is non-mobile, non-sentient and non-reactive. Storage in any restricted fridge will be sufficient; its intensely unpleasant flavor will deter even the most determined drinker before a harmful dose can be ingested. Under no circumstances are Foundation friends to consume any object classified under the SCP-101 family; while some objects of similar nature and provenance are perfectly safe for ponies, anything classified as an SCP-101 variant is dangerous and potentially lethal. Poisoning requires digestion after ingestion; if SCP-101 is ingested, standard barf procedures typically suffice.* Following Incident "Chalice of Joseph," variants of 101 and/or reagents to produce it are to be made available to O5-Anon when feasible.


                                            Description:

                                            >SCP-101 is a small, brown, fire-roasted bean endemic to the areas connected to Yoosian** altered-reality breaches. SCP-101 carries an intense scent, and a flavor more bitter than even prescription medicines; only ponies who enjoy Yak or Dragon cuisine are consistently able to chew an SCP-101, let alone eat one or anything made from one. As a general rule, SCP-101 contains go-juice well above most varieties of soda and chocolate, and are thusly DANGEROUS TO INGEST. They are not assumed to be an operational danger to most professionals, as the flavor profile induces a visceral urge to spit out the offending item.

                                            >SCP-101-A refers to the most common prepared meal found by both Foundation expeditions and private SNEAKER teams: a cup of SCP-101 infusion, with a paper sleeve bearing the logo of a seapony splitting its tail with its hooves.***

                                            >SCP-101-B refers to ANYTHING bearing the hieroglyphs "Café Cubano."**** SCP-101-B has greatly heightened go-juice concentration, with prepared beverages found near associated heraldry being far beyond the Flowers-Pushup Threshold for even the most robust ponies. For this reason, all testing with SCP-101-B, and anything suspected of containing it, is banned preemptively and in perpetuity.


                                            >*Ponysonnel should NOT attempt to prepare brussels sprouts unless trained in first aid

                                            >**Previously referred to as 'Anonia,' after its only present representative to ponykind, and corrected at his request.

                                            >***This is the most common variant in Yoosian-patterned anomalies. Cultural context provided by O5 Anon has established the existence of many competing guilds, some from different nations, with staple brews that would qualify as an SCP-101-A regardless of the company's heraldry. Expedition leaders are expected to inform their teams of all relevant iconography as it pertains to mission safety and success.

                                            >****See intercepted SNEAKER Communications: 'Koh-Fee-Haus' and Incident 'Chalice of Joseph'


                                            -----


                                            Incident Report: 'Chalice of Joseph'

                                            Time: Real Sleepover Hours

                                            Location: Rich Family Manor

                                            Participants: O5-Anon, Diamond Tiara, multiple fillies


                                            Summary of events:

                                            >O5s Anon and TS attended a routine meeting with Foundation suppliers, typically held biannually at Mr. Rich's mansion.

                                            >The Cutie Mark Crusaders were celebrating their Cutecenaera with a traditional girls' all-night no-sleep slumber party, as the forefathers dictated

                                            >Due to the added response time of juggling two social events, the Foundation affairs run late and all guests stay the night

                                            >Adult guests retire; Mr. Rich makes multiple dadjokes to embarrass Diamond Tiara and co., as the forefathers dictated

                                            >Mr. and Mrs. Rich retire for traditional marriage trampoline activities

                                            >Anon begins wandering the house, complaining of sleep trouble

                                            >Fillies produce multiple thimblefuls of an SCP-101-B-derived beverage, intending to imbibe it as a rite of passage

                                            >Fillies make multiple attempts to consume their serving of SCP-101-B with little success

                                            >Diamond Tiara successfully ingests her remaining serving

                                            >Anon enters, confiscates and consumes the reservoir of SCP-101-B while lecturing the fillies

                                            >Diamond Tiara's digestive tract absorbs a harmful dose of SCP-101-B, sending her into the initial stage of the Go-juice Giggles

                                            >Anon recovers from sleepytime despite being awake past 11pm, approaches a Pink Synchronicity and begins administering lifesaving medical assistance for the remainder of the night


                                            Transcript of incident is available due to recording devices at the sleepover, intended to "record the moment of your marehood, as... the forefathers... dictated? what? that's creepy!"


                                            >DT: Alright ladies, everypony knows you're supposed to drink something gross when you hit marehood. Something to bond the young ladies present for life.

                                            >SB: Something to 'get them ready for their husband'- whatever that means

                                            >N: Yeah yeah, we've all had that lame-o mayo and lemon drink. Yawn.

                                            >DD: Is it even going to mean anything? I mean, with these teeny little cups

                                            >AB: Oh hush, y'all. Give her a chance.

                                            >S: I'll give 'er a fat lip

                                            >DT: AHEM. Through Daddy's money and the Spoons's connections, we've obtained...

                                            (Diamond Tiara pauses for effect, allowing Silver Spoon to uncover a gem-encrusted gold chalice filled with SCP-101-B)

                                            >DT: Some freaky mud drink from outer space!.... or... something! Just drink it, cowards!

                                            (The other fillies are hesitant; Diamond Tiara decides to lead by example)

                                            >DT: GAG- oh Faust it tastes like my mom's feelings towards me as an individual- BLARG-PHTBBBBB

                                            (Similar statements are given by the other guests for approximately 5 minutes)

                                            >DT: O-okay, enough foaling around, time to hold my nose and show you fillies how it's done-

                                            (Diamond Tiara throws back the remaining substance, swallowing it without holding it on her tongue)

                                            >Anon: What are you kids yelling ab- HEY MY PIMP CUP! YOU LITTLE JERKS! I've been looking all night, I can't sleep without my pimp cup!


                                            >Anon: Is this- it is! You kids really should not be drinking coffee, especially CUBAN coffee! *sip*

                                            >AB: Stop callin' that coffee! Ah'v had coffee cake, coffee ice cream, coffee candy, that don't taste like any o' them!

                                            >DD: Ooh what about coffee muffins? My mom would love one of those!

                                            >SB: Scootaloo, stop licking the carpet! Leave some dirt for the rest of us!

                                            >DT (muttering semi-coherently):  Oh I don't- I can't breathe- why is it so hot in here-

                                            >Anon: Yo Deetz, y'allright? *sip* I'm alright. *sip* This? This the first good coffee I've had in like a decade.*sip*

                                            >DT: (Sounds of twitching horse meat)

                                            >SS: Deedee? Look at me. Calm down, it's o-

                                            >DT: IT FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS LAUGHING AT ME ANON HELP

                                            (Anon snaps out of his late-night stupor and places two talons on Diamond Tiara's neck)

                                            >Anon: HOLY (Redacted, Swear Rating Absolute) her heart is pounding! Scootaloo, Noi, you two sit down and stay calm- you drank a little bit, didn't you? Dinky, go to my room and grab my stinky socks, we have to make Diamond throw up NOW. Sweetie Belle, get a carafe of water and uh, find a spot outside the gardener won't care about. GO!


                                            Anon's decisive action prevented Diamond Tiara from digesting the remaining SCP-101-B in her stomach, as well as any long-term complications that could have arisen from excessive diuretic effects and opening the Foundation's eyes to new avenues of combat medicine. Examination of the drinking vessels, testimony from the young guests and chemical analysis of Anon's chalice all strongly suggest Diamond Tiara had ingested a lethal dose. The Ethics Board has yet to reach consensus on if Diamond Tiara or her parents should be informed.


                                            -----


                                            >Intercepted Communications: Koh-Fee-Haus

                                            >The following transmissions were intercepted from an unauthorized civilian expedition into Yoosian site alpha

                                            >According to the Tattler Rules, names and some dialogue have been changed to protect the identities of those involved; unedited transcripts are available to those assigned to SCP-101 and/or a security clearance 3 with need-to-know.


                                            >Fraud Fry: This is all brick and mortar, nothing so far has been as interesting as the blackstone roads. In fact, I'd say it's utterly fascinating how not fascinating these bricks are. Can't even tell where the clay is from... Why am I even here?

                                            >Flimmothy: Because we're paying you?

                                            >Fraud: Yes, in experience, which I agreed to- yet so far I'm experiencing disappointment

                                            >Flammothy: Well, that's an experience! You can't call us frauds!

                                            >Fraud: .....Touché. But what was it you actually wanted me to DO?

                                            >Flimmothy: We thought your geological experience would assist us in maximizing profits while minimizing eco-legal-logical impact, thereby allowing us to provide an off-market product to several demanding clients we have waiting!

                                            >Fraud: ..... (it is currently unknown how Fraud vocalized elipses.)

                                            >Flammothy: He means he hoped you could get us into one of these buildings, without leaving much evidence, because uhhhhhh ha ha ha what we're doing isn't TECHNICALLY legal?

                                            >Flimmothy: He means that quite sincerely- this isn't strictly ILLEGAL either! One of those grey areas, better safe than sorry, that's all!

                                            >Fraud: You thought a geologist would be able to provide architectural and burglary expertise in a city of inequine creation?

                                            >Flammothy: Well, when you say it like tha-

                                            >Flimmothy: PRECISELY!

                                            >Fraud:

                                            >Fraud:

                                            >Fraud: I guess I could kick this crummy-looking wall down.