SCP-509: Equestria Buys a Dog

 

 

Instances of SCP 509 are to be treated as non-anomalous, special-needs dogs and integrated into civilian pet populations. MTF Kindness-Nine "Red Rovers" are assigned to this task; their mission is to observe the civilian population, identify potential adoption candidates, and encourage said pony to adopt an SCP-509 instance. Integration into pet population is considered top priority, therefore MTF K9 has been given permission(1) to carry out any propaganda campaigns they deem necessary, and to falsify their identities outside of a sanctioned stageplay or pretend session. While MTF K9 is to be considered deep undercover, resupply missions can be carried out via Foundation secret knocking protocols.(2)

 

The original A-F Instances are, likewise, considered Common Housepups, and have been formally adopted as Foundation employees. The SCP designation continues in this document as a matter of protocol, their proper names are available on their collar tags and should be used during any and all interactions henceforth. Due to the critical need for new SCP-509 instances, and in recognition of the Ew I Kissed My Sister phenomenon, descendants of 509 progenitors are to be permitted to court native canids at their discretion.

 

Due to their shared point of origin and mutual affinity, SCP 509 instances are approved for inter-object containment, testing and incentive programs with instances of SCP-064; SCP-064-related-objects may be combined with SCP 509 only at both the site director and 509 owner's mutual approval.

 

 

SCP 509-A through -F are to be kept in three standard Fuzzy Wuzzy Joint Containment Playsets. Due to the presumed presence of paired paramours, in accordance with the Cadance Protocol, said couples are to have unrestricted access to their partner. Aside from this concession, the 509 group is not to have contact between members outside of testing purposes. However, as Canines are known friend-seeking beings, conditional contact with non-anomalous dogs has been recommended by the Ethics Board. Testing is unilaterally prohibited without Site Director approval or direct Bearer/Royal orders, due to the extreme danger present.

ADDENDUM: Following Incident OH HAYBURGERS, all enrichment visitations are to be comprised of male visitors; any female non-anomalous dogs already brought into contact with male 509 instances are to be classified as SCP 509 instances. No research, medical or feeding team is to be formed without at least one confirmed married pony and/or veterinary expert.

 

 

 

 

SCP 509-A through F is a group of six healthy, male, adult domesticated dogs of unusual size(3). SCP 509-A and B are the smallest of the group, at approximately One Full Earth Pony in volume and Like 200 Hayburgers in weight, with short white fur and black spots. SCP 509-E is the largest, being approximately 0.8 Celestias in volume and 5 Classes of College Textbooks in weight(4), with shaggy, yak-like gray fur. SCP 509-C,D and F represent intermediate sizes and shagginesses.

 

SCP 509's behaviors are well within expectations; previously encountered aggression has been proven to be non-ontological and caused by high stress and [REDACTED] coupled with test friends being careless with their lunches. As with native canids, 509 has a natural herd-forming instinct and can be trained in a variety of work and play tasks by a sufficiently patient and attentive owner. All six progenitor instances display a higher-than-baseline protective instinct towards foals, livestock and their owner, with near-perfect resistance ratings to Creepy Dolls, Scary Old Nags and even Being Outside At Night During A Cloud Cover. Their bravery, massive size, good temperament and extreme fluff factor, combined with high natural magic resistance, make SCP 509 a critical component of Foundation containment efforts, civil emergency forces and civilian endeavors of all stripes.

 

SCP 509 A-F proved capable of siring pups with Equestrian dogs, producing fertile offspring in average litters with average male/female ratios. The only truly anomalous effect of their biology is their unusually dominant genes; each progenitor is effectively the father of a "tribe" of dogs, with his behavioral tendencies and build coming through in much the same way as a unicorn born of only one unicorn parent. The prevailing theory as to why is [REDACTED BY ROYAL ORDER.]

 

Despite their inconceivable dog-per-dog ratio, SCP 509 is medically indistinguishable from the common Equestrian Housepup, and nearly magically indistinguishable; auguries return "Dog," Overseer K-F undergoes a Squee phase, and their vocal range conforms to most(6) known models of See 'N' Say. The only anomalous difference appears when designated the target of a Pondering Orb, which will return the standard array of ponderings with one notable exception: [REDACTED BY ROYAL ORDER]. CONTAINMENT FRIENDS OF RANK "BIG CHEESE" OR ABOVE MAY ACCESS THE RELEVANT TESTING LOGS WITH PROOF OF NEED-TO-KNOW. -L.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Test Friend Z, testing the can. You guys hear me ok?"

"Ten-four. Entering 509's Doghouse Block. I'm not hearing any sounds of ouchies."

"Agreed. First doghouse is clear, 509-A tired himself out playing with Winona. Proceeding to 509-B."

"No?"

"You left a bunch of boy and girl dogs together? Alone?

"Snips I don't know what your mother taught you but all the skips are male dogs..."

"Snails it has nothing to do with ponies getting married. Wait, all the girl dogs are getting fat, right after you left them alone with a bunch of weird magic BOY dogs?"

"We're... all... NAKED ALL THE TIME, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE? THESE DOGS ARE ALL DADDIES AND OUR DOGS ARE THE MOMMIES YOU GIGANTIC-"

 

SCP-509-W (previously Winona) had just finished premarital foaling with SCP 509-A when Agent Z's rescue action began. In total, 28 beloved pets were reclassified as SCP-509 carriers, resulting in 5 newborn 509 instances that day, and an unknown number of pending newborn instances. Researchers Snips and Snails were given class-M amnestics in accordance with When You're Older Protocol, and moved into protective custody following frankly inequine threats from a bereaved owner. Due to critical veterinary expertise, Agent Z has been exempted from amnestics for any related subject.

Reclassification to Keter was immediate due to the possibility of carriers transferred offsite.

 

 

 

 

FIELD INCIDENT REPORT: FOXTROT

 

 

 

"Zipporwhill, Field Friend, agent-in-command during Incident Foxtrot."

"So, I'm on leave in the Crystal Empire. Dogcatchers gets a tip- loud barking, constant, sounds more like a party cannon than a dog; A 509 causing trouble in this little how-do-you-do named Sunstone- serious old-school town, like they still have churches and still have stained glass windows of that blue minotaur lady old-school. Anyway, as if the noise weren't enough the locals had a foal go missing, then a big, fluffy, white-with-brown-spots 509 yoinked a barrel of hot cider right off the altar and shot off into the snow."

"Save your judgment for the end boss. Course I start asking around quicker, cause this just became two rescue missions. Find out the foal had been leaving blankets out for these two, letting them in when the snow was wild and hard. I'm investigating, I'm looking at this colt's house (it was a colt yeah). And I think I can see, yeah, some tracks... Barely, and only cause I was looking for them, but they're there. It's late, it's gonna get dark soon, but what else can I do? And, the moon's just... barely over the horizon, right at the end of these tracks, that big dog-"

"Not anymore. You won't either, after I tell you that big dog saved that colt. Draped over him. Pouring that hot cider into him. He's gonna get sick, but he makes it long enough for me to come back with a sled team, and it happened because one of those dogs kept him warm, and the other made sure I knew where he was.

"Not yet. We're not done. The other big one, the one actually scaring the locals? The barking's almost deafening here. I can barely concentrate on loading the sled, I gotta step back for a bit, let the locals handle it. I look where the big boofer's looking, and..."

"Something.... like ram's horns, but all wrong. And seeing them made me feel colder on the inside than the snow was making my outside.... But every time, every stinking time, that monster tried to cross the ridge... Evangeline sent it running back."

"This girl sent Grogar running. Sent him running, hour after hour, for at least half a day."

"Shot off as soon as the colt was safe."

"Dragged that monster into a cage, as easy as fetching a stick."

"Then cuddled up, like we'd done nothing more than fetch a stick together."

"You. bet. your. plot. I named her."

 

 

 

 

Following Incident Foxtrot, an emergency council was held regarding the status of 509. The Bearers tied, with Luna casting the deciding vote. Council comments follow:

 

 

 

 

 

SUPPLEMENTARY LOGS: Pondering Orb Ponders SCP 509.

"The Pondering Orb: A massive, magic 8-ball, housed in a perfect crystal sphere, powered by a sacred flame which accepts only cartloads of paper fortune tellers. Its perspective on matters is as omniscient as it is useless without a trained operator; for the machine can only spit out simple descriptors, but it never answers a question incorrectly and only once has it ever admitted ignorance.(1) Nevertheless, a skilled operator can take disparate images and gossip, and turn them into actionable intelligence with the right series of leading questions, suppositions and insinuations about the orb's marehood.

Zipporwhill, as a rite of passage for your promotion, I want you to witness two simple tests, wherein the operator will simply exhaust the orb's responses to a single repeating concept. It is my belief, my hope, that the pageantry of these affairs will both reinforce the confidence you showed in your defense of The Breed, and instill an appropriate sense of awe and resolve regarding your new duties. You need not report to me this time; the test has already been run, shortly after initial containment. I simply want you to witness the process, firsthoof, rather than read it off a dusty file.

Remember, the moment I tapped my parasol to your withers, you were recognized by Equestria as a knight, a commander, and a beacon of justice. But *I* recognized you as such, the moment you stood up to the mare who dared to speak ill of our new friends. -T.

P.S. Pinkie hopes you enjoy the complementary black silk feedbag."

 

(1) Ohhhh yes, that's REDACTED even for you. -L.

 

"WELCOME, NEWFRIEND, TO THE LAIR OF THE SMART AND PONDERSOME TRICKSY!"

"Indeed! Even cold, the mere PRESENCE of the Orb grants sight unseen!

"YES, you ARE that predictable. YES, I AM ACTUALLY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, YES, THE ORB KNEW YOU WOULD PREFER OATS TODAY!"

"MINIONS, DO.... THE THING!"

"DOG!"

"DOG!"

"Alright, we've got a couple scoops of future husbands with millions of bits and a [REDACTED] underneath left in the budget, wanna try parsing something outta this manure?"

 

 

 

"Why are SCP-509 instances so much larger than their native cousins?"

"How was SCP 509-E-31 (Evangeline) able to withstand that monster's magic?"