How Anon, Snips and Trixie saved Equestria, pt. 7

"Okay, so, you had to get outta Ponyville, dodged some mobs, almost had a villain breakdown, kinda fought it off yourself (good on you, kid)"

"So, I'm assuming it was the dragon sitting on you plus the sandblasting that whitewashed my GOT-dang tanktrucktank?"

"So WHAT in the hell did!?"

 

"Hey! Eve, Doormat!"

"Whatever- go check out the backyard, guy was probably making some crazy illegal-ass hooch!"

"Uhhhh.... my trucktanktruck was painted like a kickass forest green tiger before they smashed into one of the buildings. Now it's blindingly white... which is weird because that is NOT what the base material looks like."

 

"Very noteworthy indeed, I'm curious as to how that could be here, this close to a commercial food-packaging facility, without any safety installations!"

"Indeed, Eve. You know, I was wondering how we'd actually keep him down despite the city's notoriously riotous character."

"Oh, I think she will be quite forgiving, especially since we might deliver unto her the thing she most wants: to Do Stuff."

"One might assume that was a tirade of insults directed at thy sovereign, Sir. Yet, I am in a charitable mood, and will instead interpret your idiocy as a relevant question: what?"

"Technically, the title is "Stewardess of Old, Unhappy, Far Away Things and Bulwark Against All-Shaking Thunder"- it's a very, as in pre-Equestrian, old position- but one that still carries weight when it must."

 

"Ah, Anon, you're rather insightful, but not quite there. Evie, you're correct- even after Molly left us, I didn't need something half as strong as this to get through the day."

"Nopony cares about hard cider, nor those delightful brainmelter soda bottles we sometimes fish up from a Broken Bridge- this stuff, however?"

"To answer your unspoken question, Anondiah, tis not a tax technicality I'll be getting him on- rather, Consorting with Demon-"

"Relax, citizen- nopony cares about the still or the.... I don't even know what that contraption is but it smells like a stolen star, yet no Constellation is missing a child. Serious, throat-burning hooch however... THAT is quite literally an alchemical method to summon demons."

"It's poison water made of mold (the simplest form of entropy spirit) that either deadens your emotions or outright exacerbates negative emotions. A little demonology never hurt anypony, mind you- but this? What did you think severe alcoholism is?"

"We do not need to. Even without a technicality, I have sufficient powers to-"

"-To carry out any orders I deem necessary, now that I have my proverbial hoof in the door from the owner's gross negligence in obtaining a demonologists' safety certification."

"For WE. ARE. PRINCESS LUNA."

 

 

 

"Now, 'master' Beauregard-"

"Regarding the matters of your consorting with demons of Nightmare and Entropy, of leaving such libations in a dangerously accessible location, of leaving CONFLAGERANTS and NIGHTMAREIFYERS right next to a FOOD FACTORY for that matter! Of the accusations of arranging a fishing accident, of the suspicious circumstances regarding your regency of MY descendant's estate-"

"Have you anything to say in your defense, or will you simply take the dunce chair?"

"First: if they were Trixie's idea, that would prove her being unable to manage this estate-"

"Finished? I wasn't- 'which means it's your fault still, for not stopping a legally incompetent mare.' You can't have it both ways. Also, we have the tax logs, pay stubs and testimony of your valet proving she absolutely was not managing the estate and was in fact convinced of her entire family being hangers-on of yours, so let's add 'giving false testimony' and 'lying to royalty.' Yes, that is a specific crime that can be added on top of lying to an officer, and yes, you really are that predictable."

"Second, if it were Trixie's doing, it would not be a crime. Yes, because she was born special you ninny- do you not understand what a KNIGHT is? Nor why it rhymes with NIGHT?"

 

"Mm, no, not yet, not by a mile. You're barely seventeen, dear."

"No, you ARE royalty. It's the, ah, 'frigging' aspect that must wait. And besides that, your suitor would be the one who is 'frigging royalty'"

"N-nevermind. I fear I have taken literally what was meant as an expletive. Fear not, you are mine granddaughter, nothing shall change that."

"Sir, you need not trouble yourself any longer, providing the Crown may have access to your fields."

"Your wisdom and forbearance have put Equestria on the road to salvation- I will not have you harm yourself doing work best saved for the young."

"No buts. Consider yourself appointed the Minister of Agriculture. You'll have plenty to do, if idleness be your fear?"

"A sound plan, I suppose. I suspect we all could do with a smooth ride to Ponyville?"

"Yes, Snips?"

".....nnnnnno?"

"What dost thou mean, 'what?' Did you not- ah, right, no mail means no papers. Ponyville is fine."

"Dame Derpy got into a sack of red sugar left on the ground, then pummeled Cheerilee into taco sauce demanding to know where Dinky was."

***

"I'm psychic. LITERALLY psychic. Plus the Elements tell me things sometimes."

"No, I mean the Elements themselves, it's- nevermind. Things of a princessly bearing, nothing with which you need concern yourself."

 

"Hear me! Get those beets into the refinery! Master Miller, ensure your conveyance is fit for the journey home! Trixie!"

"Come and sit with grandma! I shall show you THINGS!"

 

 

"Hu- Oh, yes, Trixie thanks you but-"

"Trixie already knows. It was her uncle, he had manipulated events to his own gain, not hard to assume he also spread those rumors."

"What."

"Hey!"

"So alright that Trixie won't have you publicly smacked with a clown shoe for mean mean words against a new princess?"

"So, what are they gonna do to Spike?"

"Take over for Trixie. She has a gross overreach of noble privilege to prevent."

 

Da End? Maybe.