Random One Shots


                                            [Taxes]

                                            "hey Twiggles, I've been meaning to ask you something. What's your tax policy?"

                                            >Twilight is busy reading the letter from her newest student, and looks up with a silly smile on her face.

                                            >"Taxes? Anon I'm the princess of friendship, not the princess of taxes."

                                            "but, you took over for Celestia and Luna right? Doesn't that mean you take over their tax duties?"

                                            >Twilight pulled out a quill and was writing a letter back to her student. She responds to you without looking up from her scroll.

                                            >"Celestia is the princess of the sun, and Luna commands the moon and dreams. They didn't oversee taxes either."

                                            "Then, who's taking care of taxes then?"

                                            >"whoever was in charge of taxes for Celestia and Luna."

                                            >Unamused, anon finds a scroll and pens a letter to the former princesses.

                                            >Dear princesses can't get it up anymore, who the FUCK is in charge of taxes? Twiggles seems to think it's someone else's problem.

                                            >you quickly roll up the scroll, find spike, and get him to send the letter to Celestia.

                                            >a few moments later spike hurls your response back in your face.

                                            >To my favorite human anonymous. I was the princess of the sun, not the princess of taxes. Luna tells me tax policy did not fall into her domain either. Whoever was in charge of taxes before we ascended is probably still handling it.

                                            "wait that can't be right. Celestia's like a thousand years old..."


                                            >deep under Canterlot in a forgotten backroom Glowing Iris, princess of taxes, sits on her mountain throne of paperwork and looks over another set of pony tax papers.

                                            >she lets out a long deep sigh.

                                            >Yet another pony that put down "not enough that's for sure" for their income.

                                            >she should really get around to telling Princess Platinum to make basic math part of equestrian education.


                                            [Random Fluttershy Thread]

                                            >"So Anon...? Do... do you think I look pretty?"

                                            >silence

                                            >"oh I knew you would like it. What about the flowers in my mane, is it too much?"

                                            >more silence as she continues to stare at the stone

                                            >"You really think they're that pretty?"

                                            >she leans in and hugs the engraved stone.

                                            >"thank you anon, you always knew just what to say..."


                                            [Cuddle Thread]

                                            Luna we've literally had sex three times in last two hours alone is this Really necessary?

                                            >"anon! There are time honored traditions to uphold when it comes to courting a princess."

                                            But I mean, really? I have to sleep on this small ass bed on the other side of the room? It's just sooo-

                                            >"a princess does not share her bed with her subjects unless they are married."

                                            Well, fine but I still want to cuddle.

                                            >"we would also like to cuddle. Please hurry along and go to sleep so we may cuddle you in your dreams."

                                            Okaay... but don't take the shape of my worst nightmare this time.

                                            >"no promises."


                                            [Whore Pony Thread]

                                            >walking through the rain.

                                            >find the brown pony inside the box where you left her

                                            "Thanks for watching the place while I was gone. You can go now."

                                            >pony leaves and you get comfortable in your box.

                                            >you think about changing your sign from hoofjob to hand job.

                                            >nah, ponies don't know what hands are.


                                            >sitting in your box, waiting for customers

                                            >see that human that keeps asking you to do weird stuff coming

                                            >quickly scratch out the 20 bits Anything option. Replace it with 50 bits.

                                            >he towers over your box, sees the new price, and reluctantly drops the bits.

                                            >"what do you want this time?"

                                            "I'm being audited, do you still have my papers from when you did my taxes?"


                                            >be pony

                                            >can't get a job anywhere

                                            >decide to try hooking to make ends meet.

                                            >first day a bunch of people walk past your box but no takers

                                            >next day have a bunch of ponies show up and pay you to do random chores

                                            >even get that human coming by a bunch trying to pay you to eat apples, and oddly eggs, a few times a day.

                                            >by the end of the day you made more bits than you know what to do with

                                            >being a hooker is awesome


                                            >be pinkie pie

                                            >jumping around from place to place getting ready for a party tomorrow.

                                            >something catches your eye, it's a pony sitting in a box. You've never seen her before.

                                            >you jump over to say hi and welcome her to ponyville.

                                            >see her sign. 5 bits blah blah blah 10 bits a bunch of words

                                            >oh! 20 bits Anything! This is perfect!

                                            >"Hey there silly box pony! Imma hire you for a party tomorrow!"

                                            >she looks down at the 20 bits you placed on the ground. "How many will I have to, entertain?"

                                            >"Oh I dunno. I invited everyone. Probably 10 or 20. Is that okay?"

                                            >she looks down at the bits in shame.

                                            >Oh you get it! You pull out 40 more bits and place them on the pile.

                                            >"is that enough?"

                                            >she nods her head.

                                            >"fantastic!" You jump into the air with excitement. "I'll be right back with the costume. Stay here."

                                            >cheapest clown you ever hired.


                                            >be rainbow dash

                                            >flying over ponyville like normal.

                                            >see a pony in a box, mane all messed up and dirty

                                            >she looks sad, probably because she's all dirty

                                            >you know! You'll make it rain on her so she can clean herself off

                                            >you're the smartest pony ever. They should give you a medal for being so smart.


                                            [Luna Thread]

                                            >be Luna

                                            >decide to walk through some grown pony dreams for a change

                                            >first dream you see a brown pony plowing Celestia while a dream you cheers him on

                                            >second dream is much, much worse.

                                            >walk into a mare dream to clear your mind

                                            >see the mare being plowed by Celestia while dream you cheers them on before joining in

                                            >immediately stop dream walking

                                            >this is why you only deal with kids.


                                            Oh hey princess Luna you're up early. I was just getting ready for bed. What's u-

                                            >ANON! We demand to know why you have been ignoring our advances!

                                            Y-Your what?

                                            >for the past five weeks we have been courting you and you have been ignoring us completely! We would like to know why!

                                            I-I didn't know you were courting me, we hardly see each othe-

                                            >NONSENSE! We know for a fact that we have given you intense and monstrous nightmares every night!

                                            Wait those were you?

                                            >WHO ELSE WOULD THEY BE?!

                                            I-I'm s-sorry Luna! I didn't know

                                            >What other reason would we have to carefully craft intense personalized terror dreams if not to show you we are interested?

                                            I-I, I don't know?

                                            >Exactly, there is no other reason! Now, can we take this as a sign that you are interested?

                                            S-Sure Luna, of course I am. (please stop yelling).

                                            >Wonderful! We shall prepare an extra special dream for you tonight to celebrate! Goodnight anonymous.


                                            >You sit in anticipation on Luna's bed.

                                            >she finally trusted you enough to ask you if you would help her indulge in her fantasies and of course you said yes.

                                            >you hear what sounds like Luna rifling through an overstuffed closet in the bathroom.

                                            >she hasn't told you what you're in for but surely it can't be that bad.

                                            >r-right?

                                            >the sound of pans hitting the floor and a vacuum running finally end and your left with a deafening silence for several minutes.

                                            So uh Luna, you coming out or?

                                            >the bathroom door swings open to reveal Luna wearing a full body latex suit and holding several large objects you really hope aren't going to be involved.

                                            What, what kind of fetishes do you have?

                                            >"All of them!"

                                            >Oh no.


                                            [Massive Pony Thread]

                                            >be massive pony

                                            >can't find a job because you're bigger than all the places hiring

                                            >as a joke set up stand offering ponies pony rides

                                            >few hours later have a line a mile long waiting for their turn.


                                            >be rarity

                                            >hear about large pony in town and decide to make her some dresses because you're so generous

                                            >large pony starts trying out clothes you made just for her

                                            >"rarity does this dress make my butt look fat."

                                            >there's no way to answer that question without her storming out and making a huge hole in your shop

                                            >fuck.


                                            >coming to equestria has been great

                                            >little different from the show

                                            >they're a lot bigger than you expected

                                            >and a lot more open

                                            >first day here every pony came to introduce themselves and help you adjust

                                            >rainbow dash even offered to let you live at her place until you get set up with your own house

                                            >although you have to share a bed with her

                                            >something about pegasus magic keeping you from falling through the clouds while near her.


                                            >day 2

                                            >you didn't sleep much last night

                                            >turns out rainbow dash snores.

                                            >and she moves a lot in her sleep

                                            >and drools a little

                                            >well whatever, one bad night but who cares, you're in equestria!

                                            >besides, this is only until I get your own place


                                            >day 4

                                            >so it turns out getting your own place is really really hard

                                            >something about a bunch of weird zoning laws because of Twilight's new castle

                                            >all the empty houses are too close to royal property, safety concerns, usual protection stuff for princesses you're told

                                            >dash, dash sure has been snoring a lot lately.

                                            >You try to talk to her about it but she doesn't believe you about the snoring

                                            >You tried asking another pony if you could stay at their place, but dash overheard you and thought it meant you didn't like her

                                            >lot of crying later you think it's just easier for everyone if you keep staying at her place


                                            >day 8

                                            >eight days

                                            >you haven't slept in eight days

                                            >the snoring

                                            >oh god the snoring

                                            >if she was half your size the noise would still be enough to keep you up at night

                                            >but at this size

                                            >and right in your ear

                                            >You're pretty sure I've gone deaf in at least one of your ears

                                            >and tossing and turning

                                            >oh god if she's not almost tossing you off the bed she's nearly crushing you under her weight

                                            >and the drool

                                            >You thought it was cute at first but now I know what rivers that mouth contains

                                            >You need two towels in the morning just to get it all off

                                            >lately she's been muttering in her sleep too

                                            >something about a giant marshmallow

                                            >and she just lightly bit you

                                            >was that a smile? did she just moan?

                                            >oh god this is how you die isn't it?

                                            >help


                                            [Sweetie Belle Threads]

                                            >dammit sweetie belles why you always gotta be coming to me with inappropriate stuff I shouldn't be discussing with little fillies

                                            >hey anon, pull this crayon out of my ass

                                            >hey anon, what's a penis

                                            >hey anon, sleep with me

                                            >why can't you ever come to me with normal little filly questions like hey anon how's your day going? or hey anon want to play a game? or hey anon what's for lunch?

                                            "I-I'm sorry anon."

                                            >It's okay sweetie belle

                                            "So how's your day going?"

                                            >Good.

                                            "Want to come play a game with me?"

                                            >Not right now.

                                            "What's for lunch?"

                                            >Fish.

                                            "Oh okay. So anon can you take this tape off my no no spot?"

                                            >DAMMIT SWEETIE BELLES


                                            [Vinyl Thread]

                                            >be Vinyl

                                            >wake up when your alarm blaring louder than princess Luna

                                            >fucking hangovers

                                            >try to turn it off with your magic but your heads killing you too much to concentrate.

                                            >get up and just buck the alarm against the wall to shut it up.

                                            >head downstairs and start making some toast.

                                            >hear someone pounding a drum set against your front door.

                                            >open it and find a grey mail mare trying to hand you some letters.

                                            >quickly grab a pencil with your mouth and scribble out a letter.

                                            >hand it to the mail mare and slam the door shut.

                                            >feel like your heads gonna blow up and instantly regret it.

                                            >fucking hangovers


                                            >be anon

                                            >eating some cereal

                                            >hear someone knocking at your door and go answer.

                                            >It's derpy.

                                            "No derpy you already brought me my mail today."

                                            >"I haf a weffer for you"

                                            >notice the now drool covered letter in her mouth and grab it.

                                            >"whats it say?"

                                            >It's from vinyl.

                                            >open it and see there's only one word written down.

                                            "Anything."

                                            >butterflies start fluttering in your stomach and feel all the blood rush out of your face and straight south.


                                            [Feels Thread]

                                            >"Oh um, I'm sorry anon I don't feel the same way... but we can still be friends."

                                            >"Oh darling I'm afraid that we just wouldn't work. But we can still be friends."

                                            >"we can still be friends sugar cube."

                                            >"oooooooh, I'm sorry noony but we can still be friends."

                                            >"I'm just, not interested okay? We can still be friends but, never like THAT."

                                            >one by one you were shot down until you finally gave up.


                                            >be Twilight

                                            >have a crush on anon.

                                            >hear that he's been asking all your friends if they'll be his special somepony.

                                            >hope that he'll ask you next. I mean he already asked all your friends, surely you were next.

                                            >any day now. He was gonna ask you and you would say yes and everything would go perfect and he's totally gonna ask you any day now.

                                            >aaaaany day now....


                                            [Ponies Want Human Pets Thread]

                                            >"It says in the book that pets need to be on a leash"

                                            "Lyra I'm not a child I don't need to wear this."

                                            >"That's not what the book said, and I only get to keep you if I do everything right so we're doing everything the book says!"

                                            "That's ridiculous, I'm not agreeing t-OW! OW! Stop hitting me with that newspap-OW!"

                                            >"shut up and put it on!"


                                            >"Luna dear, I know I said you could have anything you wanted but are you sure you want to go with this... thing?"

                                            "Hey Celestia. Long time no see."

                                            >"yes we are sure."

                                            >"wouldn't want a dog or cat or manticore instead?"

                                            "Are you just gonna ignore the whole Luna kidnapping me in the middle of the night thing or?"

                                            >"we want this one. We have already grown emotionally attached to it after petting it."

                                            >"Well... alright but have you asked anon if he wants to be your pet?"

                                            "I really would rather not be anyone's pe-"

                                            >nonsense! We are royalty, anon should feel honored to be our pet!"

                                            "Any chance you can let me out of this cage Celestia? Maybe just let me out and we can all pretend this didn't happen and go our separate ways?"

                                            >"I would anon, but I did promise Luna she could have any pet she wanted..."

                                            "But but but"

                                            >"Oh don't worry I'm sure she'll just get bored of you in a week and then you can head home."


                                            [Lyra Pony Is Not For Sexual]

                                            >be Lyra

                                            >have the hots for the human in town.

                                            >Twilight won't let you get any with him even though he comes to your door every day. Something about test to see if it's safe.

                                            >have to tell him 'pony is not for sexual' every time he comes over and slam the door closed to stop yourself from dragging him inside and letting him ravage you.

                                            >finally Twilight announces that the human is safe.

                                            >immediately head home, kick bonbon the fuck out, tell her to come back tomorrow, and start waiting for him.

                                            >It's gonna be great, you're gonna open the door and present yourself telling him 'pony is for sexual' and he'll probably just start rutting you on the spot.

                                            >Oh jeez, calm yourself down Lyra, you're already dripping.

                                            >first hour, still excited

                                            >second hour, still excited as fuck.

                                            >third hour, any second now, aaaaannnny second now.

                                            >fourth hour, where the hell is the human?!

                                            >Bonbon walks in with a silly smile and messed up mane.

                                            "Bonbon, I said come back tomorrow! I'm having company over soon."

                                            >"hm? Oh don't worry Lyra I won't stay, I just needed to get something."

                                            >she heads upstairs and shortly after comes down with a Bad Pony dildo in her mouth.

                                            "Woah Bonbon, I didn't know you were so kinky."

                                            >"she's not, but I am."

                                            >the human walks in and in one fast motion picks Bonbon up and holds her giggling body against his chest.

                                            >he grabs the sex toy out of her mouth with his own.

                                            >"I'll be back later tonigh-"

                                            >"grrr"

                                            >"in two days dear. If something comes up I'll be at noony's place."

                                            >the human carries Bonbon out the door with him.

                                            >you sit there shocked. Unable to move and just staring at the empty doorway.

                                            "but, but."

                                            "That was suppose to be me..."


                                            [King Sombra HI ANON Thread]

                                            >be anon

                                            >living in the crystal empire because as the only human in equestria Celestia wanted you protected by Shining Armor.

                                            >Cadence has you set up in a nice bedroom in the castle. She really tries to make you feel welcome in equestria.

                                            >every morning she comes into your room and wakes you up excitedly. She started by just saying HI ANON, but since then she's started coming in with jokes, or saying weird stuff to get a reaction out of you.

                                            >you always yell at her and tell her to get out of your house but you secretly love it. After all, waking up to a smiling face who's just happy to be around you is way better then waking up to a large empty room in a strange place far away from all your friends and family with no hope of return.

                                            >You two usually share a laugh together before you head down to breakfast. Sometimes you stop by shining's room if he's not up yet and you and Cadence make moaning noises to freak him out.

                                            >Can't have the captain of the guard sleeping on the job after all.

                                            >One day you get up and to your surprise you don't see a pink pony princess right in your face smiling.

                                            >the room is empty and quiet.

                                            >you get up and open the door to your room and see a tall black stallion standing in front of you

                                            >I SLAVED CADENCE AND NOW SHE IS IN THE MINES SO SHE CAN'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE, ANON! NOW, LET'S GET SOME CRYSTALS!


                                            [I dunno, random thread]

                                            >"I wanted it to be a surprise."

                                            >it was definitely a surprise

                                            >"we figured out the magic that brought you to Equestria!"

                                            >you looked out over the hill, a small group of soldiers being lead by a tall middle aged man in a suit. Shaking hands with some ponies down below.

                                            >"it took some convincing but Celestia let me create a portal to earth. Now you won't be alone anymore anon isn't that great!"

                                            >"why aren't you smiling anon? Aren't you excited? Don't you want to go meet them?"


                                            [Give Spike 'The Talk']

                                            "I dunno Twilight, I mean I'm human, "the talk" could be pretty different from what you expect.

                                            >"Please?"

                                            >dem puppy dog eyes.

                                            "well okay, but no barging in half way. This is gonna be awkward enough as it is."

                                            >you head up to spikes room and close the door behind you.

                                            >you hear Twilight scramble to look through the keyhole.

                                            >perfect.


                                            >"oh uhh, hey anon, w-what are you doing in my room?"

                                            >you sit down on his bed and he sits next to you.

                                            "well spike, Twilight saw you... pleasuring yourself, and she's embarrassed about it. So she told me to come in here and give you the talk."

                                            >"the talk?"

                                            "yeah you know, where babies come from, all that."

                                            >"but anon, you already told me all that months ago."

                                            "Oh I know but Twilight doesn't know that, and she's looking through that keyhole right now. We're too far from the door for her to hear us though, so I'm going to start making weird hand gestures and I need you to look surprised."

                                            >"oh you mean like this?"

                                            "Perfect! Now I'm gonna move both my hands like a snake while yelling PENIS! EXTENSIONS! and I need you to yell something back."

                                            >"OH ANON, I GET IT NOW!"

                                            "perfect, now do a handstand while I get some of your action figures"

                                            >"okay give me a sec."

                                            "Now, do you have anything pointy or big like a book in here? I need to pretend to teach you how to stuff it up your butt. Oh and if you have a banana I have ideas."


                                            [Immortal Rarity Alone]

                                            >Twilight cast a spell to make her friends immortal

                                            >it backfires

                                            >it did make everyone immortal, but also trapped them in different realities. Each one of her friends in a world where they are the only one that survives.

                                            >Twilight winds up ruling alone, and spends every day trying to bring her friends back.

                                            >Rarity can't escape constant visions of her dead friends. She doesn't want to.

                                            >Pinkie Pie throws daily parties for her long gone friends, unwilling to accept she is alone now.

                                            >Rainbow Dash tries to run away from her emotions, but no matter how fast and far she flies she always winds up back at her friend's graves.

                                            >Applejack outlives not only her friends, but everypony in her family, and every one of their descendants. She spends every day tending to a graveyard larger than the orchard and ponyville combined.

                                            >Fluttershy lasted the longest after her friends died, but couldn't take it anymore once she had to bury discord. She ran into the everfree forest never to be seen again.