Anonymare's Totally Normal Spa Trip

 

[**

>The spirits of the elements of harmony are right here!

>And Anon whose [insert act here] represents the spirit of [Empathy, Determination, Autism, etc.] !

>After twiggy announces she's the element of magic the 7 of you raise into the air and blast Moony's delicious black ass back to woona mode

>Try to suppress your panic and revulsion Anon, you're a main character now :^)

**]

[**

>Anonmare is a main character

>She's barely around

>Becomes what people accuse applejack of being

>When theres a problem she either doesn't get involved or has no issue

>She doesn't bug twilight about gala tickets, just accepts the dress rarity makes for the gala for her, told spike to fuck off when he asked for something extra for his birthday, gave the girls a look when they heckled trixie etc.

>She's so uninvolved to the point it causes an episode about how you have to try even if seems scary or pointless and its okay to have opinions

**]

 

>Gave the girls a look when they heckled Trixie

 

>A glorious morning in Ponyville

>The books are new, the sun is shining

>And Anon? Anon is going to the spa whether she likes it or not

>Or your name isn't Twilight

>You set off precisely on time, as usual, with a cranky dragon astride

>You did not arrive on time, unfortunately, as you were constantly slowed down by all your friends and neighbors and-

>Teehee, you almost sounded like Old Twilight

>Well, the urgency is somewhat justified

>Considering you had to budget time for Anon's reticence, Spike asking for Anon's cookies, Anon getting mad that he ate THAT many, and of course Spike apologizing

>"TWILIGHT!"

>Oops, you're here

>Almost walked into the door

>Again

>Knock knock

>

>

>

>Knock knock?

>

>

>

>"Alright she's not here, let's go to Sugarcube Corner, they usually put the old stuff on sale by now!"

"Nonsense, Spike! It's almost lunchtime, Anon hates eating out! I'll never understand why, but- argh, it's locked!"

>You punctuate the previous statement with annoyed rattling of a stubborn doorknob

>Why did destiny force you to be friends with the ONLY pony who locks her door!? Who even does that!?

>No matter

>For a master of the arcane, worming your magic field into a lock is like foal's play. Doesn't even count as a real spell, you're just gonna poke around in there!

>Seconds pass as you screw up your face concentrating

>Almost

>Allllmost

>>"What do you want, Twiggles?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAA! howdidyou-"

>You don't get to finish that, as you rear up and fall backwards in shock

>Gee, Spike is way softer than you'd think, huh?

>You raised him and it still surprises you every time

>Anon stands in her open door, utterly unamused

>>"Well? Kinda rude to try forcing your way in here, y'know. What's so urgent that it couldn't wait literally two minutes?"

"Bu- how did- what?"

>>"Do- do you not realize every time you use magic it makes a big glow and a weird noise? I saw you screwing with my doorknob and came to let you in."

>You slowly blink. You had not been aware of this? Or had you?

>One thing at a time. Move on.

"Ha ha, well, I just wanted to let you know I booked an appointment..... at.... the..... spa......"

>Cerulean mare spotted

>That jerk!

>That mildly annoying jerk your friends really hate!

>Actually, she didn't seem that bad. Or at least, you've seen much worse in Canterlot...

>Still, this situation requires investigation

>>"...Hello? Twilight? What are- oh. You're surprised to see I have a mare over? Her house got smashed so I figured someone ought to give her a place to stay for a bit. Else she might, I dunno, be so tired and angry that her show flops and she ends up doing hard labor for shit pay and comes back to enslave the town or something."

>What

"That was..... oddly specific."

>>"Whatever. Look, take Trixie to the spa- she needs it way more than I do. Never liked that fruity crap anyway."

 

[**

>How does Anon manage to keep wriggling out of situations like this!?

>It's the third time this week she's managed an excuse, but this is by far the most bizarre and preemptive.

>No... it's a coincidence. Just bad timing. Anon was doing something nice to help another pony, she should be proud of her.

>That's it!

"Actually Anon, why don't you and Trixie both go to the spa together? There's a lot I need to do today so-"

>"But Twilight! Today's list is tiny!-"

"Shh! Spike! It would be a GREAT and POWERFUL help if there was SOMEpony else who could go with Anon."

>Anonmare gave her a grumpy glare. She clearly wasn't happy about this, but it was for her own good!

>"I told you I don't like that crap."

>"Come now, Anon! I'm not turning down a free pampering, and Trixie would much rather go with YOU than this... this... HER!"

>Let's see you get out of that one miss anon mare!

"Just let the spa know I couldn't make it! Come along Spike."

>Twilight turned to leave, confident she had won this time.

**]

 

>1hourlater.wav

>Be Anonmare, on the road into Ponyville

>And the road to being emasculated

>...

>Don't lie to yourself. You already got emasculated when your dude piston got traded for a ham wallet. This spa trip is just a stop on the road to acceptance and-

>Good God where did that come from? Ew. Sounded like Purplesmart for a second, gross.

>You chuckle as you recall the pink balls wrapped in pink paper with pink writing you stashed in your not pink very manly horse purse

>Saddlebags. Saddlebags is the ONLY plausible interpretation of that.

 

>"Trixie notices you keep glancing at your stuffed bag and laughing."

>Aw shit

"Uh, yeah, I got them from Pinkie is all. She's fun..."

>Read your audience, dipfuck

"When she isn't totally missing the point of a performance and heckling the shit out of you I mean."

>Trixie pouts but doesn't hold it for long.

>"Trixie does not understand- you said, in no uncertain terms, you "hate that fruity crap."

"Correct."

>"And this "bath bomb" you've described- sounds incredibly fruity by both definitions of the word."

"Yep."

>"And yet you're planning to use a full sack of them?"

"I don't like fruity crap but if I'm doing it I might as well go whole hog.""

>Trixie stares at (You) with a raised eyebrow

>It seems more approving than confused?

>"Ah yes, the second rule of showbiz- anything worth doing is worth overdoing."

>Well that explains a lot of Trixie's faults. Still doesn't explain why all the others were taking her shit so personally.

>"Does the 'full service' in 'full service spa treatment' not include all desired accoutrements? Will the proprietress not take offense to outside product?"

"Au contraire, blue mare, it's real simple. One-

 

>You stumble as you get stuck in place for a second; you've yet to break the subconscious urge to count lists off with your fingers

>Fingers you don't have, nor wings with which to emulate. Instead you flexed that magicy- suctiony- hoofgrab thing you can do.

>It doesn't feel right, FUCK having wings would scratch a deep spiritual itch right now.

>SHIT this is why you don't get out much, even to talk to randos

>Shit, Trixie is staring at you like you're more brain damaged than normal. Continue!

"One, Pinkie has some deal with like... EVERY store in town? You can even bring Sugarcube Corner food into the movie theater, I don't know how she does it."

>"Normally Trixie would have an anecdote about a far-off city's chamber of commerce, or some absentee landlord siphoning tax money to Canterlot, buuuut-"

"Yeah?"

>"Considering it's The Pink One? My guess is she lifted her tail for every stallion in town, and has blackmail material resulting from said jezebel jamboree."

>You sigh. You really want to help Trixie, but her obsession with-

>Actually

"I want to argue but... Pinkie has this fucking cave full of dossiers."

>You stare right at a bush, or rather the scowling baby blue eyes peeking out of it

"Before you ask, you *know* how I know about that."

>EEEEEEEP

>SCRAM

 

[**

>"Twiiilight come onn. Don't you trust Anon to go? There's like eleven other things we could be doing right now, or, maybe twelve, or, thirteen, or.."

>The little dragon was pacing back and forth counting on his little claws.

"Spike, we're just making sure. Once we have confirmation I'll be happy to mark it off and we can get on with the day. Anon is a grown mare and she's demonstrated her dependability before. Sometimes. If not for her we never would have found the seventh element! I HAVE to help her."

>"She's already written, I dunno, three letters to Celestia? Maybe she knows more about friendship than you think?"

"Have you seen what she wrote in those??"

>"Err, now that you mention it........ no. Friendship stuff?"

"The first one had-"

>A pink blur zipped around the corner, tripped over Spike and tumbled over, landing face up at Twilight's hooves.

"Pinkie!?"

>"AAAA Twilight! She's on to me! Abort! That clever crafty giggly greeny! I was reeeeeeeal sneaky too, but her? She's good. Reeeeeeal-"

"Pinkie slow down! Is she going to the spa?"

>The bubbly pink mare sprang back to her hooves, nodding vigorously.

>"Yeah! And she was giggling like she was about to throw the biggest most funnest party of her life and I know a thing or two when it comes to giggles like you can just tell wh-"

"That... doesn't sound like her. But if she's going, that's great news-"

>"-and Trixie was talking about my jamborees, but I think she was getting the wrong idea, everypony LOVES my jamborees! I could jam more jamborees with more jams and I bet she'd still say-"

"That's great Pinkie. Spike, let's stop by Mayor Mare, I wanted to ask if-"

>"-but it probably has something to do with all those super extra fun fizzy bath balls I gave her last week when she was all mopey and sad about the balls she lost which I tried to help her find but she said it was pointless which DUH balls don't have any points they're round all the way round and- oof!"

>Twilight stopped, causing a trailing Pinkie Pie to bump into her rump.

"Wait. You gave her what?"

**]

 

>Meanwhile

>You and Trixie almost had an uneventful walk to the spa

>Almost

>You were in the thick of a riveting discussion on the relationship between Canterlot's cake imports and the number of hostile monsters on the-

"DUCK!"

>A brick sails overhead as you throw the Irate and Peeverful Trixie into the dirt

>"Anon, how dare you! Trixie could-"

>Wait, a fucking-

>The shatter and clatter confirms, that was a damn brick

>"-have taken that brick and now-"

>What the shit

>Oh fuck, ponies have stopped to look

>"-Trixie's trademark hat and cape are filthy-"

>You shut her up with a hoof to mouth maneuver and a

"The spa will wash everything! I'm trying to not get hit, who the fuck even-"

>Your question is answered before you finish asking, with some skinny-ass girafficorn stomping up and yelling about how dare you this what's she doing here that blah blah blah

>You've seen this bitch before but you can't quite-

>"The GREAT and POW-blechmmmf"

"Right in the kisser!"

>You shut Trixie up with more muddy hoof in her mouth

"Shuddup before you make it worse!"

>The approaching cunt sneers of sneerpproval in the way only a pasty-ass suburbam soccer mom does when she thinks she's got the manager on her side-

>Soccer mom

>Of fucking course, now you remember

>Bitch is still yapping? Did she ever stop? Damn, you're getting good at ignoring women.

"HEY HEY HEY quit acting like I'm on your side, cunt!"

>You can hear the glass shatter behind her eyes

"I only shut her up so she wouldn't start more shit, that don't mean I wanna deal with your shit!"

>Non-blue mouth opens, preparing to ignore

"ACKACKACK no!"

>"Well-"

"NOPE. SHUT."

>"I'll-"

"SHUT YOUR SHIT, WHORSE. WHO THE FUCK THROWS A BRICK LIKE THAT!?"

>"Gee, I don't know, who thinks it's okay to encourage hooliganism? Oh, that's right, your-"

"HOOLIGANS? The fuck are you, some Trottingham landlord, nyeh, hooligans?? If your kid's that stupid, keep him on a leash and don't blame everypony else for your lack of parenting!"

>"Lack of- well, I- HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

>Some bitch who drank while she was pregnant? heh.

>No don't fucking say that you dumb shit

>Huh, everypony left

>No crowd

>Makes sense, the hardcore kids would've left when it was clear nopony was getting brained

>And your swearing match ensured the decent folk left to complain at the mayor

>All according to keikaku.

>"Nothing to say to that, eh?"

>Goddammit you should've gone with the fetal alcohol thing

"Lady I got no fucking clue who you are but lemme guess, you hold some two-bit seat on the PTA or city council mostly because nopony else even knows it's a thing."

>Her fucking face scrunches like she sucked a lemon, you got her

>"I'll have you know the purser of the sow-"

"PAYPIG. YOUR TITLE IS 'PAYPIG."

>Even Discord couldn't wipe the shit-eating grin off your face right now

>You continue the assault before her open mouth can emit more wrong

"Aight, Paypig, lemme point out to you that I'm a bearer of harmony."

 

>Paypig scoffs in that way that says "fuck you, now I can write a letter to your boss"

"Ha ha ha ha lemme shut that idea down real quick. *Who* I am is nobody:I ain't some high-falutin' noble brat, I ain't got any parents to embarrass, I don't even have any political clout beyond the off chance that I can convince Twilight to whine at the royals for me."

>You get right up in her face, so much that your horns are almost touching.

"*What* I *am* is an arming key for the weapon that cleansed Princess Luna. A weapon I'm very sure Their Majesties would prefer remain operational."

>She's pushed onto her haunches now, trying to shrink into a ball

"That damn brick coulda knocked me out."

>Holy shit she's pissing herself

>Feels bad making even a worst pony feel this way, but then again

>Fucking BRICK

"Now let's do a little thought experiment- let's go a few days, weeks, months, years, it don't matter, into the future."

>Jesus she's still going

"Some kid swears one too many times in front of the statue of Discord. Oops, that actually WAS Discord and now he's free, shitting madness and pissing cotton candy everywhere, the princesses are all swirly-eyed doing crosswords to entertain his Court of Chicanery, foals are smashing vending machines everywhere, reality is dead everyone is going insane-"

>Okay seriously is this mare Tycho Brahe? How can one organism contain this much fear piss?

"And we can't do shit about it. This is the new reality, forever, because your dumbfuck ass missed and put one of the keys to his cage in a coma."

>You lean in that last little bit. Your eyeballs are actually touching.

"You really wanna make an official case out of any of this, or you wanna be grateful I have an appointment I'd rather keep?"

>As soon as you let off an angstrom of pressure, she ran off so fast you could've sworn you saw a rainbow

>But you won

>At what cost? You're filthy, you're literally seething, the entire square must've heard you swearing, Trixie-

>Aw shit

>Trixie's been silent the whole time

>Eyes large and wet, lips quivering

>Fuck, you did kick her while she was down

>So much for helping

"Trixie, I-HNNNNNNN"

>Your words are replaced with a bone-crushing hug

>Her voice, uncharacteristically quiet, barely more than a whisper

>"Nopony has ever defended me like that."

>Task failed successfully?

>Aight

>Feels good, mare

"Yeah well, I can't stand cunts like tha-"

>"Trixie was QUITE impressed with your control of the conversation, though she thinks your crowd work could-"

>And she's back.

>And still going.

>Great, she's autistic about stage magic or something.

"Trixie-"

>"-use a little work. Seriously, if this were a show, you'd have lost all your potential tips in the first act!"

"TRIXIE."

>"What?"

"Let's go to the fucking spa already. I feel like shit and we're both caked in.... we'd better be clear of the pig farms is all I'm saying."

>"Ah, so you ARE excited about a day of pampering with MOI?"

"Yeah, I-"

>"No more a neigh-sayer?"

"TRIXIE!"

 

[**

"Confetti. You put confetti in a hygiene product."

>The trio were going at a casual 'alarmed but it's probably not that bad no need to panic' pace.

>"It's not a hygiene product silly! It's a bath bonanza! A bathonanza! Or in Anon's case I guess it'd be an bathanonanza! You get so many nice bubbles, in different colours too! And it fizzles and spins and pop! Surprise! Hehe!"

"Please tell me you warned her."

>"That would ruin the surprise! But yeah! Don't worry Twilight, I told her if she ever needed to have fun during a bath all she had to do was drop one of those in and bam! Fun!

"One. You told her to use just one, correct?"

>"Yeah! I try to pack a whole party into every single ball, so she only needs one! Who'd use more than one? Not even I'm that crazy!"

>"Uhh Pinkie, you kinda are-"

>Splash. Spike's foot was now wet. He stepped back out of the puddle, disgusted.

>"Ew, gross! Looks like somepony sprung a leak."

>There was a mare crying next to a broken window.

"Strange.. e-excuse me miss, is everything okay?"

>Twilight was starting to get a bad feeling about today.

>She approached the distressed mare.

>"My window! I just had it fixed after a package flew through it earlier, now it's been vandalised, again..."

>Pinkie slowly rose on the inside of the house, wearing a detective hat and pipe- how'd she get in there so quick?

>"Hmmmmm... I think the culprit was... you!"

>She held up a brick at leg's length and pointed at it accusingly.

>"Mister Square Edges... I should have known..."

"Pinkie please, we don't have time for this. I'm very sorry miss, I can't imagine who in Ponyville would do something so cruel on purpose, it must have been an accident."

>Spike plodded over, looking around.

>"Weird that there aren't more ponies around. Maybe something scared them off?"

"Maybe Spike, but our first priority is making sure Anon doesn't get herself into trouble. We can still warn her as long as we hurry. She can't be that far ahead."

>Pinkie was back outside and hugging the broken-window mare.

>"Don't worry, I'll throw you a window-fixing party later! Your window will be good as new AND there'll be cake and we can hold a trial for Mister Square Edges so you'll have justice too! It'll be a trial by lyre!"

>The mare sniffed and nodded, hugging Pinkie back. It was wonderful to see, but it was almost time for the appointment at the spa. Tick tock Twilight.

"Ha-ha well... we better go. Pinkie you can handle this, right?"

>"Mmmmhm!"

**]

 

>You and Trixie limped onwards into town

>Whatever meagre adrenaline high your fat ass could muster has given way to the post-crisis shakes

>Combined with the paranoia of constantly checking for that other kid or anypony who could be related to him?

>Yeah it's turning this last half mile into a forced march

"FUCK"

>Heave

"Chest hurts"

>Heave

"I knew stress was bad for you but-"

>A "Scuze me, you two are wanted for questioning" floated into your ears, carried by the gentle clinking of well-fitted plate armor

>Heave

>"SCUZE ME! Miss Anonymous and Miss..." you hear the rustling of a notepad before "...and Powerful?"

>That authority voice snaps you out of your near-sleepwalking

>Wait, authority!?

>Yeah that bitch would go straight to the cops, huh? FUCK.

>You turn to preemptively shut Trixie up but to your horror she's already talking

>"I am The Great and Powerful Trixie! Beatrice, The Great and Powerful lives in the county of Mare-inara! Your judgments are therefore incorrect due to technicality! SMOKE BOMB!"

>Wait, smoke bo-

 

>Let's all get tinnitus! Let's all get tinnitus! Let's all put our heads right next to one of Pinkie's bath bombs, and have ourselves some EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

>When you come to, you're in a dark alleyway

>And half-strangling Trixie

>Why- oh, right

"TRIXIE WHAT THE FUCK!"

>"Trixie panicked!"

"We didn't know what he wanted but we're definitely fugitives now!"

>"TRIXIE PANICKED! SHE IS SORRY!"

"Fucking hell now what do we do!?"

>2hoursearlier.ogg

 

 

 

>Be royal detective

>That lanky slow kid you had shoveling shit for community service? Yeah he came in saying his mom assaulted "two of the greatest heroes who ever lived."

>You were about to throw a shovel at him until you remembered the truffle case

>Yeah, all these towns full of pigs. More pigs than there are truffles. Taxpayer money going to the town pig manager-

>The Cow Mafia, the tax havens, all these alleged price fixing schemes, the embezzlement

>Every decent cop in the greater Canterhorn Vale area knows it's connected, but on the rare occasion that anyone puts a case together?

>The suspect would always get off on a technicality. The evidence mishandled. A detective suddenly looking for a safer line of work.

>"Being closer to family" is what they all say.

>And now the local piggy purser's son hoofed you leverage on a silver platter.

>Every bribery, corruption and tax evasion charge has failed to stick, but you can start dismantling this on an assault charge. Onwards!

 

>A sweep of the crime scene checks out. Broken window from a failed attack. Crying mare confirms her residence was damaged.

>Damaged residence corroborates witness statement. Unfortunately, neither witnessed the attack itself.

>Lines in the dirt. Size and depth suggest a struggle between two mares.

>Impression in the mud- at least one dove for cover, possibly two.

>Puddle of- oh Celestia dammit you stepped right in piss.

>Piss? Fuck, you need to find the victims while there's still a chance they'll talk.

>Luckily you caught some repeating names in that gaggle of rough foals- 'Trixie' and 'Anon.'

 

>Anon.

>Local nopony, does odd carpentry and civil engineering. Unusual for a unicorn.

>Few acquaintances, fewer friends, no criminal record.

>If her tax records are right, she used to live off foraging and work-for-a-meal deals. Never had enough consistent work to attract the tax mares, until 0, ALR.

>National bigtime hero, first name basis with royalty, got a fucking medal and a big enchanted jewel or something... Really weird that nopony around here knows that.

>Reputation for stubbornness and unusual but steadfast ethical code.

>Trixie.

>Probably short for Beatrice.

>Itinerant. Performing artist and raconteur.

>Record of misdemeanors. Pony of interest in recent 'oh fuck that's a big bear' debacle, cleared of charges due to lack of criminal motive or evidence of willful encouragement.

>AKA Miss Piggy couldn't prove Trixie was doing anything but telling a tall tale about a rare monster

>Travels from town by hoof, likely far higher survival knowledge than Ursa Minor encounter would suggest

 

>Exactly the kind of ponies to be a problem for the Cowtel. You gotta get to them, get a statement, get some fucking royal guards before you have a national crisis.

>You are NOT going to be the stallion explaining to God-Queen Princess Celestia the Unconquerable Sun (Featuring Luna) how her magical friendship nuke doesn't work anymore because YOU fucked up

>Every single record must be meticulous

>Every officer must be unwavering in their professionalism and forbearance

>You are NOT fucking this up! Your deputies are NOT fucking this up!

 

 

>Be Deputy Shield of Shielding Shields

>You done fucked up

>You apparently got the wrong name

>You definitely failed to hide your disgust at the sight of a shit-caked, bruised mare thinking she can't even trust the royal guard without offering her virtue.

>And now your key witnesses are spooked, probably think you're on the take, and you have no idea where they went.

>To top it all off, your ears are bleeding and you can't even arrest anyone for it.

>Stupid bucking Pinkie Promises. Gonna cost you like 5 bits and as many minutes at the hospital to fix this shit.

 

 

>Be Anon

>You self-levitated yourself and Trixie up onto a roof

>One of those old-timey Assassin's Creed roofs that has a nice little hidey closet despite having no roof access point

>Hopefully no pegasi come by for a nap

>Trixie is looking at you with a slack jaw

>"How!?"

"What?"

>And now the scrunch

>"What do you mean 'what?' Trixie demands to know how you just flew!"

"You know how even a brain-dead baby unicorn can grab stuff? I just grabbed myself and you."

>"Don't give Trixie that! Everypony knows telekinesis uses the body for a leverage point! You might as well pull on your harness and fly!"

"Okay! Technically I just made my effective mass near-zero then sorta used my TK like a rope to hoist myself up... I probably couldn't do it in an empty field and a cloudless sky."

>You're not used to thinking so much about magic

>You only know a few tricks, sure, but it's all the same principles so you can apply them as easily as using a hammer on two different kinds of nails

>Or something like that, anyway

>She's still looking at you like one of you is stupid

"What?"

>Scrunch.jpg

"Telekinesis makes stuff lighter, it's got some antigravity or mass-negation property, I just put that on my hooves. Carrying you was just normal casting."

>"And how will we get down once the-"

>She peeks out of the closet at the squads of fully armored guards scouring the town below

>"Jackbooted sun lickers have left?"

"....am I the only unicorn who knows you can slow your fall? Like just by *doing* it, no complicated spells needed?"

>

>

>

>"Trixie needs to know how you're this good at magic, yet only find work as a glorified repair pony."

 

>Man you've been hiding up here for a while

>What time is it?

>Shouldn't you have missed your spa appointment by now?

>Maybe Equestria has longer days

>Come to think of it, there's no dusk or dawn here

>The princesses cast that spell and boop, instant noon or midnight

>You peek out. Still a lotta chaos below.

>Oh shit, Sofas and Quills just got raided. And you just got guaranteed employment for the next week.

>Assuming you're not in prison or whatever.

>Speaking of which, this is Ponyville.

>Nopony gives a shit about anything less than murder if the Princess isn't visiting.

>So why is a minor case of running giving you a five star wanted level?

 

"Fuck. The hell do they want with us?"

>Trixie sighs for like 5 full seconds, like a moody teenager

>"Because Trixie resisted arrest and smoke bombed a cop." She says in a flat affect.

"Fu- no, I wasn't trying to dig at you. I know for a fact they don't swarm the whole damn town over that kinda shit. The hell does Applejack have that we don't?"

>Trixie has to stop herself from belly laughing

>"APPLEJACK? Resist arrest?"

"You kidding? You know how many tax collectors she's chased off? Can't really blame her though, I'd refuse to pay for shit if my parents got vored on a road the guard were supposed to be protecting."

>Shit she's staring again

>Disgust, confusion, curiosity

"What did I say?"

>"Vored!?"

>Fuck

>You used an internet fetish word

>You're not INTO that shit, God no, it's just one of those hilariously cursed things you pick up when you're terminally online

>Think of some-

>"That is... technically a correct usage, but strange that you would randomly dip into ancient Minoan."

 

>Oh shit

>You're seeing more armored pegasi move overhead

>Weird that they haven't noticed you yet

>Aren't pegasi supposed to be the perceptive ones? Or was that just Dash?

>Doesn't matter, gotta move, but where?

>Trixie, perhaps noticing your distress, cranes her head over the other side of the roof

>"What in tartarus is the apple horse doing?"

"Applejack? Probably getting in her daily altercation with the donut patrol. Happens... like... clockwork okay it can't be later than 2pm so we haven't missed our spa slot!"

>You trot over and look down

>Sure enough, Applejack is between a cart with a hay pile, and a fat sweaty constable

>You can tell because his armor is shittier and unlike the royal guards, his polearm is a glorified shepherd's crook

>They both seem pretty distracted, it's a much more likely getaway down that side than-

"Say, how the hell have we not been seen yet?"

>Smug Trixie is smug, she prepares to drop Knowledge on you

>"Easy: most pegasi don't actually think about what they see."

>The fuck? You knew Trixie was elitist but that sounded outright racist

>"Ugh. Don't look at Trixie like that- it's basic psychology. They move so fast that their brains just passively categorize stuff for later."

>She scoffs and says, "Showponies gotta know this stuff if we want to attract the crowd."

"I still don't follow."

>You get the biggest eye roll you've ever seen, "FINE, try to keep up."

>"A pegasus flying a route they've flown a lot will just go into standby mode. It doesn't mean they sleep-fly, but they won't really notice anything that doesn't *seriously* break the pattern of what they expect until much later when they start, y'know, remembering stuff."

>So kind of like driving to work or whatever? Alright

"So, like, this roof has no way for grounded ponies to climb up..."

>"Yep."

"So anyone who doesn't know exactly what they're looking for is going to see us, shrug, and assume it's a pair of pegasi up here?"

>"Most likely. And they won't really realize we don't have wings until they stop. Pretty sure it's also why pegasi smash into doors and windows so often- they're just instinctually expecting everything to be clouds."

>You pause and reflect, your hoof near your mouth

>Wait ew no, hoof on ground now

"I hate how much sense that makes. Now, I know how we can get past this neighborhood."

>"Do tell."

"Take your field and spread it around you, and pull up as hard as you can."

>"What are- NO. We are NOT jumping off the roof into a hay cart!"

"I can't slow us both down! It was hard enough climbing up here!"

>"Trixie is a sleight of hoof artist, not an acrobat!"

>Flitter and Cloudchaser alighted on the roof across the street

>You can't trust them not to rat you out, it's go time!

>"Are you even listening to TrixAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

>Next thing you know, you land in the pile of hay with a hard thud

>But no wetness to it, which implies Trixie didn't go splash

"Trixie? You alive?"

>"Trixie hates..." is the whisper you get back

 

 

 

>"Trixie hates..... how long it took her to meet you."

"Ha, gay"

>"Yes, despite the tumult, Trixie has had a gay olde tyme with you. And these new applications of boring old cantrips will make The Great and Powerful Trixie's performances even bigger and gayer!"

>Suddenly, the drunken murmur afore of the cart stops

>SHIT

>Trixie realizes too, catching her mouth with both hooves

>Kinda cute ngl

>And now you're partially disappointed that you might not be eating taco tonight

>And partially relieved, cause you have no idea how two lesbians would actually date or fuck outside of a porno and even you're not dumb enough to think porn sex is real sex

>And yet another, horrible, primal part of you is approving of this as it means you might be open to-

>You mentally order your absolute cunt of a cunt to shut up and not even think about getting knocked up

>It's not even springtime goddammit, this meat cannon is sometimes more ornery than your dick was

>And just like you were once thankful for wearing a belt or a sturdy pair of jeans, you're glad this cart is already full of old hay or Trixie might get put off by your girl boner

>You actually LIKE her, to the point that you don't want to fuck this up by trying to make it sexual if she doesn't-

>Jesus Christ

>Feelings that take more than 2 words to describe?

>You really ARE going native, you fruitcake

>Is that a bad thing though?

>You stopped caring about having a pussy years ago. It's not even a case of you liking it more or less, it's just your body.

>Whatever shit brought you here changed your brain too, you think, or you'd constantly feel like something was wrong. At least it had the decency to make sure you were still turned on by ladies.

>You keep tripping yourself trying to make human gestures, yeah, but that's less your body image and more just having deep-seated habits.

>Are habits entirely in your memories? You know muscle memory wasn't actually stored in the muscle... You definitely have all your memories.

>Well, most of them. Stopped thinking so much of home.... You've forgotten some shit, but that's just normal forgetting that happens when you don't interact with things for years.

>Fuck. Every time you realize how long it's been since you really thought of Earth, it fucks you up way more than remembering you used to have a dick.

>Even when you started getting over that, you just hated yourself for letting go.

>Is that why you push ponies away? Do you hate yourself, or are you afraid you'll be whisked away and lose another set of friends?

"Gah fuck!"

>You're lurched out of a depression spiral by a bigass pothole and Trixie's hoof covering your mouth. Cart's been moving, apparently.

>Right. The cart. The tension holds for a few moments, but it's obvious Applejack didn't hear you.

>Close call, you need to stay quiet, but at least this time the silence wasn't awkward.

 

>The cart comes to a creaking halt

>You don't hear or feel Applejack removing the harness

>"Hey. Y'all wanna get out, now?"

>The puffs of warm air on your face get lighter and more frequent; you reach out to Trixie

>fuckfuckfuck you can't take AJ in a fight

>"Ahem. We're here, y'all."

>fuckingwhat.scroll

>You risk a peek out of the hay

>Applejack has her head turned all the way to the side, looking at you with one eye

>Goddamn her eyebrow is raised all the way into her hat

"You... you knew?"

>She half sighs, half growls

>"Gonna assume you think too highly of yerself, and not too lowly of me. Simply put, NO SHIT."

>Well, you did speak at least twice

>And you can kind of see a bit of Trixie's purple hat

>Of course, the one bit of her hat not turned brown would be the one part AJ could see

>AJ seems more annoyed than-

>"Come on now, Ah got shit t'do and y'don't want to be customers smuggled in through th'delivery door, do you?"

"Hold up, you really don't care that-"

>"Nope."

"And how-"

>"Twilight tells everypony everything, duh."

"But the g-"

>"Not mah business. Ain't none of my neighbors dead nor mah trees cut down, so it can't be that bad."

>Trixie flops out of the haypile and runs to the spa door with a clip clop

>Except she's wet and filthy so it's more like slip slop slip slop

>"Come on, Trixie's bath needs a baaaaaaath!"

>She's right

>You do not envy the bitch or bastard who has to clean the tubs after you're done

 

>Clean

>Bright

>Fruity-smell

>The anticipation of impending softness

>All wafted over you as you crossed the threshold

>Trixie walks taller, smiles a little more

>Finally

>This bitch of a day can end

>Aloe is handling reception today, looking up from her magazine to deliver the boilerplate greeting

>"Allo and velcome to- ACK. NO! NOT IN HERE! SIDE DOOR, NOW!"

"But-"

>"FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY! GO!"

"You ain't even got our-"

>"YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, OR YOU VOULD NOT DARE!"

>Before you can ask your next question, you and Trixie are hauled off by a few burly workers of various tribe and sex

>You're so tired by this point, it doesn't even send you on a spiraling internal confrontation of your sexuality

>Nope

>You certainly didn't like having your only excuse for clothing taken by that pegasus guy who looks like a walking steroids PSA

>And you definitely didn't like watching Trixie get stripped and tossed in the bath by-

>Woah Nelly? She works at the spa?

>Shit

>Apparently you're also into fat chicks.

>Well, her cutie mark IS her own face in a star

>Chicks are supposed to be super into confidence, right?

>You are, notionally, a chick after all

>Shit, is that why you want to gargle Trixie's clit?

>Maybe, but you recall your first boner ever was to that magician lady in the Batman cartoon.

>Perhaps all you actually want in life is a loud lady in a leotard and fancy hat to step on you.

 

>An indeterminate time passes, which you experience as a whirlwind of scrubbing, musings on why you like girls in big hats, and a vaguely European accent asking probing questions

>There's no issue with your appointment; Twilight sent word ahead that she was transferring the slot

>Everything's in order and the proprietress goes off to prepare your actual spa services

>Wait, really?

>That IS something Twilight would do, but

>"The bath's complimentary, actually. Everypony gets a weekly trip to the public bathhouse, required by law. Aloe is just... Aloe."

>You stare up at the hazmat-suited bath attendant with a look of incredulity

>"Uh, you were mumbling to yourself about a shitty day and what could go wrong next... Just thought I'd... nevermind."

>Aloe and Lotus waltz in at that moment. And immediately scrunch.

>"Okay, now you go to jacuzzi, soak there until stench of-" She pauses and gestures at, well, everything. "-this... gone."

>Oh shit, hot tub appetizer? Classy.

>Wait, how the fuck is a hot tub gonna make you cleaner?

>"Trixie has partaken once before. A genuine Jacuzzi is like a washing machine for ponies. Magic bubbles. Self-heating, self-sustaining flow. Magical and mechanical filtering, helps clean the residual ick out of one's fur. Ritual purification in some cultures."

>Trixie is staring at you at a 45 degree angle

>"What? Trixie knows you only cock your head like that when you're confused."

>Oh, sorry, that's you at the angle, not her.

 

 

 

>So, the Ponyville Community... Hot Tub?

>Place is huge. Maybe as big as a school gym.

>Lots of ponies here, too. Way more than you'd assume the spa could service in a day.

>Whatever, they probably sell pool time as its own thing too. It's a business move so obvious even your dumb ass is thinking about it.

>Two rings of posts divide the pool into an outer, inner and core layer. A few pegasi are overhead, monitoring a cloud ceiling. Might also be doing lifeguard duty- it's not very deep but still deep enough to drown if you slip and fall in just the wrong way.

>The water around the edges is flowing like a vortex, but pretty gentle. Foals are splashing each other and their irritated parents.

>The inner sections are hard to make out from the near-solid wall of steam, you can't see the core at all. Just the innermost(?) ring of posts, half-shrouded in steam.

>You assume those posts are enchanted to somehow divide the water itself.

>At least, you can't imagine how else they got the water to act like solid independently rotating rings.

>Trippy as fuck, this might be the most obviously magical thing you've ever seen.

>A wizard throwing fireballs is one thing, but chucking a molotov gets you the same effect.

>This? This just outright shouldn't be possible, and it's pretty cool you guess.

 

>Trixie's voice shakes you out of your wonderment. "The staff recommend soaking in the center ring first; they won't let us into the rest of the spa until we've spent at least 10 minutes there, anyway."

"Y'know, if this is what they have in a little farming town, how great are the spas in Canterlot or Manehattan?"

>"The difference is vast enough to make one wet with envy. Pun always intended."

>Heh, wet.

>Thank fuck she's looking forward and didn't see you blush.

>You walk slowly through the lukewarm water, letting Trixie take the lead

>Immediately past the first ring, the water gets hotter and-

>Fuck, it's even flowing in the opposite direction?

>You're hyperfixated on this, yes, but it's like every damn sense needs to be triply reassured that this is actually happening

>Feels great, though

>A few neighbors and strangers grunt small talk at you as you approach the fog wall; you grunt non-answers back.

>Trixie is already waiting there, not slowed down by "water's great, isn't it?" or variations thereof. You walk up abreast of her and stop.

"Scared?"

>"What? No. Trixie assumed *you* would be, after seeing your surprise at the inner edge."

>Scared? No. Nervous? Maybe. You've never been in a hot tub or a sauna, come to think of it.

>"Just grit your teeth and push through. The heat can be a shock, let it roll over you, walk forward, and sit down somewhere. It's that easy."

 

>So you do exactly that. The heat smacks you like lead before settling like...

>Well, like a blanket.

>The water isn't circling anymore, it's roiling. Flipping over itself like it's boiling, but it ain't boiling.

>Louder here, too. Almost feels like hot rain-

>It is hot rain. You're in some kind of fancy molded cloud, not just steam.

>Wizards. Or do pegasi count as druids? Whatever. Magic, man.

>The floor gets heavily textured and rough. Probably for safety, but also really uncomfortable to sit on.

>Trixie appears out of the shroud, shuddering and doing a cute little neigh as she adjusts to the heat.

>And almost trips over you.

>"Right, forgot you've never been here. Get up, you're not supposed to sit in the walkway."

>She takes the lead again, inching forward, leaning into...

>Doorways? There's walls demarcating little grottos in here.

>Trixie leans in, asks if there's room for two mares, and moves on. Once, twice, thrice,

>Fourth time's the charm. The two of you find an empty room. The walls are just high enough to give a feeling of privacy, the grippy textured floor gives way to that rubberized cushiony stuff they make booths out of, and the seating arrangements appear to be marked by adjustable poles topped with cushioned chin rests.

>With how the cushions are setup, the water is just deep enough to cover your whole body if you lay down. Some trick in the construction of the walls encourages a constant shower right over where your head and mane would be exposed.

>So, you fiddle with the button and rack the chin rest into the right height, and lay down with the obligatory Hot Tub Moan

>And you silently thank the self-cleaning water when you get a tingle at Trixie making the same noise. FUCK you need to get laid. Corn cobs ain't doing the trick, and you KNOW Applejack knows what you're buying them for.

 

>There's no clock in the grotto. You figure an attendant will just come and get you. Or not, honestly that would be fine too.

>You nod off once or twice or thrice or-

>"Hey, little help here?" a male voice says

>You manage to control yourself and avoid making a completely unjust scene- it's not like ponies really care about co-ed stuff.

>Blinking and squinting through the fog reveals it to be-

"Davenport? Shit, where'd you get that shiner? I thought *I* was having a bad day dude!"

>You say that like you didn't watch his door get kicked down. He lays down and answers while you fiddle with his pole [spoiler]giggity[/spoiler]

>"Ha, yeah, funny thing- one second I was closing the deal on a lovely Saddle Arabian loveseat, the next I'm hit by my own damn door flying off its hinges."

>Shit

"Ponyville, amirite? Rainbow Dash again?"

>His expression darkens. Quite an impressive feat when he's otherwise the comfiest loaf in the room.

>"No. Royal Detective Service. Asking a lot of questions. Looking for you."

>hahahahahahahaFUCK