Anonymare's Totally Normal Spa Trip

 

[**

>The spirits of the elements of harmony are right here!

>And Anon whose [insert act here] represents the spirit of [Empathy, Determination, Autism, etc.] !

>After twiggy announces she's the element of magic the 7 of you raise into the air and blast Moony's delicious black ass back to woona mode

>Try to suppress your panic and revulsion Anon, you're a main character now :^)

**]

[**

>Anonmare is a main character

>She's barely around

>Becomes what people accuse applejack of being

>When theres a problem she either doesn't get involved or has no issue

>She doesn't bug twilight about gala tickets, just accepts the dress rarity makes for the gala for her, told spike to fuck off when he asked for something extra for his birthday, gave the girls a look when they heckled trixie etc.

>She's so uninvolved to the point it causes an episode about how you have to try even if seems scary or pointless and its okay to have opinions

**]

 

>Gave the girls a look when they heckled Trixie

 

>A glorious morning in Ponyville

>The books are new, the sun is shining

>And Anon? Anon is going to the spa whether she likes it or not

>Or your name isn't Twilight

>You set off precisely on time, as usual, with a cranky dragon astride

>You did not arrive on time, unfortunately, as you were constantly slowed down by all your friends and neighbors and-

>Teehee, you almost sounded like Old Twilight

>Well, the urgency is somewhat justified

>Considering you had to budget time for Anon's reticence, Spike asking for Anon's cookies, Anon getting mad that he ate THAT many, and of course Spike apologizing

>"TWILIGHT!"

>Oops, you're here

>Almost walked into the door

>Again

>Knock knock

>

>

>

>Knock knock?

>

>

>

>"Alright she's not here, let's go to Sugarcube Corner, they usually put the old stuff on sale by now!"

"Nonsense, Spike! It's almost lunchtime, Anon hates eating out! I'll never understand why, but- argh, it's locked!"

>You punctuate the previous statement with annoyed rattling of a stubborn doorknob

>Why did destiny force you to be friends with the ONLY pony who locks her door!? Who even does that!?

>No matter

>For a master of the arcane, worming your magic field into a lock is like foal's play. Doesn't even count as a real spell, you're just gonna poke around in there!

>Seconds pass as you screw up your face concentrating

>Almost

>Allllmost

>>"What do you want, Twiggles?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAA! howdidyou-"

>You don't get to finish that, as you rear up and fall backwards in shock

>Gee, Spike is way softer than you'd think, huh?

>You raised him and it still surprises you every time

>Anon stands in her open door, utterly unamused

>>"Well? Kinda rude to try forcing your way in here, y'know. What's so urgent that it couldn't wait literally two minutes?"

"Bu- how did- what?"

>>"Do- do you not realize every time you use magic it makes a big glow and a weird noise? I saw you screwing with my doorknob and came to let you in."

>You slowly blink. You had not been aware of this? Or had you?

>One thing at a time. Move on.

"Ha ha, well, I just wanted to let you know I booked an appointment..... at.... the..... spa......"

>Cerulean mare spotted

>That jerk!

>That mildly annoying jerk your friends really hate!

>Actually, she didn't seem that bad. Or at least, you've seen much worse in Canterlot...

>Still, this situation requires investigation

>>"...Hello? Twilight? What are- oh. You're surprised to see I have a mare over? Her house got smashed so I figured someone ought to give her a place to stay for a bit. Else she might, I dunno, be so tired and angry that her show flops and she ends up doing hard labor for shit pay and comes back to enslave the town or something."

>What

"That was..... oddly specific."

>>"Whatever. Look, take Trixie to the spa- she needs it way more than I do. Never liked that fruity crap anyway."

 

[**

>How does Anon manage to keep wriggling out of situations like this!?

>It's the third time this week she's managed an excuse, but this is by far the most bizarre and preemptive.

>No... it's a coincidence. Just bad timing. Anon was doing something nice to help another pony, she should be proud of her.

>That's it!

"Actually Anon, why don't you and Trixie both go to the spa together? There's a lot I need to do today so-"

>"But Twilight! Today's list is tiny!-"

"Shh! Spike! It would be a GREAT and POWERFUL help if there was SOMEpony else who could go with Anon."

>Anonmare gave her a grumpy glare. She clearly wasn't happy about this, but it was for her own good!

>"I told you I don't like that crap."

>"Come now, Anon! I'm not turning down a free pampering, and Trixie would much rather go with YOU than this... this... HER!"

>Let's see you get out of that one miss anon mare!

"Just let the spa know I couldn't make it! Come along Spike."

>Twilight turned to leave, confident she had won this time.

**]

 

>1hourlater.wav

>Be Anonmare, on the road into Ponyville

>And the road to being emasculated

>...

>Don't lie to yourself. You already got emasculated when your dude piston got traded for a ham wallet. This spa trip is just a stop on the road to acceptance and-

>Good God where did that come from? Ew. Sounded like Purplesmart for a second, gross.

>You chuckle as you recall the pink balls wrapped in pink paper with pink writing you stashed in your not pink very manly horse purse

>Saddlebags. Saddlebags is the ONLY plausible interpretation of that.

 

>"Trixie notices you keep glancing at your stuffed bag and laughing."

>Aw shit

"Uh, yeah, I got them from Pinkie is all. She's fun..."

>Read your audience, dipfuck

"When she isn't totally missing the point of a performance and heckling the shit out of you I mean."

>Trixie pouts but doesn't hold it for long.

>"Trixie does not understand- you said, in no uncertain terms, you "hate that fruity crap."

"Correct."

>"And this "bath bomb" you've described- sounds incredibly fruity by both definitions of the word."

"Yep."

>"And yet you're planning to use a full sack of them?"

"I don't like fruity crap but if I'm doing it I might as well go whole hog.""

>Trixie stares at (You) with a raised eyebrow

>It seems more approving than confused?

>"Ah yes, the second rule of showbiz- anything worth doing is worth overdoing."

>Well that explains a lot of Trixie's faults. Still doesn't explain why all the others were taking her shit so personally.

>"Does the 'full service' in 'full service spa treatment' not include all desired accoutrements? Will the proprietress not take offense to outside product?"

"Au contraire, blue mare, it's real simple. One-

 

>You stumble as you get stuck in place for a second; you've yet to break the subconscious urge to count lists off with your fingers

>Fingers you don't have, nor wings with which to emulate. Instead you flexed that magicy- suctiony- hoofgrab thing you can do.

>It doesn't feel right, FUCK having wings would scratch a deep spiritual itch right now.

>SHIT this is why you don't get out much, even to talk to randos

>Shit, Trixie is staring at you like you're more brain damaged than normal. Continue!

"One, Pinkie has some deal with like... EVERY store in town? You can even bring Sugarcube Corner food into the movie theater, I don't know how she does it."

>"Normally Trixie would have an anecdote about a far-off city's chamber of commerce, or some absentee landlord siphoning tax money to Canterlot, buuuut-"

"Yeah?"

>"Considering it's The Pink One? My guess is she lifted her tail for every stallion in town, and has blackmail material resulting from said jezebel jamboree."

>You sigh. You really want to help Trixie, but her obsession with-

>Actually

"I want to argue but... Pinkie has this fucking cave full of dossiers."

>You stare right at a bush, or rather the scowling baby blue eyes peeking out of it

"Before you ask, you *know* how I know about that."

>EEEEEEEP

>SCRAM

 

[**

>"Twiiilight come onn. Don't you trust Anon to go? There's like eleven other things we could be doing right now, or, maybe twelve, or, thirteen, or.."

>The little dragon was pacing back and forth counting on his little claws.

"Spike, we're just making sure. Once we have confirmation I'll be happy to mark it off and we can get on with the day. Anon is a grown mare and she's demonstrated her dependability before. Sometimes. If not for her we never would have found the seventh element! I HAVE to help her."

>"She's already written, I dunno, three letters to Celestia? Maybe she knows more about friendship than you think?"

"Have you seen what she wrote in those??"

>"Err, now that you mention it........ no. Friendship stuff?"

"The first one had-"

>A pink blur zipped around the corner, tripped over Spike and tumbled over, landing face up at Twilight's hooves.

"Pinkie!?"

>"AAAA Twilight! She's on to me! Abort! That clever crafty giggly greeny! I was reeeeeeeal sneaky too, but her? She's good. Reeeeeeal-"

"Pinkie slow down! Is she going to the spa?"

>The bubbly pink mare sprang back to her hooves, nodding vigorously.

>"Yeah! And she was giggling like she was about to throw the biggest most funnest party of her life and I know a thing or two when it comes to giggles like you can just tell wh-"

"That... doesn't sound like her. But if she's going, that's great news-"

>"-and Trixie was talking about my jamborees, but I think she was getting the wrong idea, everypony LOVES my jamborees! I could jam more jamborees with more jams and I bet she'd still say-"

"That's great Pinkie. Spike, let's stop by Mayor Mare, I wanted to ask if-"

>"-but it probably has something to do with all those super extra fun fizzy bath balls I gave her last week when she was all mopey and sad about the balls she lost which I tried to help her find but she said it was pointless which DUH balls don't have any points they're round all the way round and- oof!"

>Twilight stopped, causing a trailing Pinkie Pie to bump into her rump.

"Wait. You gave her what?"

**]

 

>Meanwhile

>You and Trixie almost had an uneventful walk to the spa

>Almost

>You were in the thick of a riveting discussion on the relationship between Canterlot's cake imports and the number of hostile monsters on the-

"DUCK!"

>A brick sails overhead as you throw the Irate and Peeverful Trixie into the dirt

>"Anon, how dare you! Trixie could-"

>Wait, a fucking-

>The shatter and clatter confirms, that was a damn brick

>"-have taken that brick and now-"

>What the shit

>Oh fuck, ponies have stopped to look

>"-Trixie's trademark hat and cape are filthy-"

>You shut her up with a hoof to mouth maneuver and a

"The spa will wash everything! I'm trying to not get hit, who the fuck even-"

>Your question is answered before you finish asking, with some skinny-ass girafficorn stomping up and yelling about how dare you this what's she doing here that blah blah blah

>You've seen this bitch before but you can't quite-

>"The GREAT and POW-blechmmmf"

"Right in the kisser!"

>You shut Trixie up with more muddy hoof in her mouth

"Shuddup before you make it worse!"

>The approaching cunt sneers of sneerpproval in the way only a pasty-ass suburbam soccer mom does when she thinks she's got the manager on her side-

>Soccer mom

>Of fucking course, now you remember

>Bitch is still yapping? Did she ever stop? Damn, you're getting good at ignoring women.

"HEY HEY HEY quit acting like I'm on your side, cunt!"

>You can hear the glass shatter behind her eyes

"I only shut her up so she wouldn't start more shit, that don't mean I wanna deal with your shit!"

>Non-blue mouth opens, preparing to ignore

"ACKACKACK no!"

>"Well-"

"NOPE. SHUT."

>"I'll-"

"SHUT YOUR SHIT, WHORSE. WHO THE FUCK THROWS A BRICK LIKE THAT!?"

>"Gee, I don't know, who thinks it's okay to encourage hooliganism? Oh, that's right, your-"

"HOOLIGANS? The fuck are you, some Trottingham landlord, nyeh, hooligans?? If your kid's that stupid, keep him on a leash and don't blame everypony else for your lack of parenting!"

>"Lack of- well, I- HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

>Some bitch who drank while she was pregnant? heh.

>No don't fucking say that you dumb shit

>Huh, everypony left

>No crowd

>Makes sense, the hardcore kids would've left when it was clear nopony was getting brained

>And your swearing match ensured the decent folk left to complain at the mayor

>All according to keikaku.

>"Nothing to say to that, eh?"

>Goddammit you should've gone with the fetal alcohol thing

"Lady I got no fucking clue who you are but lemme guess, you hold some two-bit seat on the PTA or city council mostly because nopony else even knows it's a thing."

>Her fucking face scrunches like she sucked a lemon, you got her

>"I'll have you know the purser of the sow-"

"PAYPIG. YOUR TITLE IS 'PAYPIG."

>Even Discord couldn't wipe the shit-eating grin off your face right now

>You continue the assault before her open mouth can emit more wrong

"Aight, Paypig, lemme point out to you that I'm a bearer of harmony."

 

>Paypig scoffs in that way that says "fuck you, now I can write a letter to your boss"

"Ha ha ha ha lemme shut that idea down real quick. *Who* I am is nobody:I ain't some high-falutin' noble brat, I ain't got any parents to embarrass, I don't even have any political clout beyond the off chance that I can convince Twilight to whine at the royals for me."

>You get right up in her face, so much that your horns are almost touching.

"*What* I *am* is an arming key for the weapon that cleansed Princess Luna. A weapon I'm very sure Their Majesties would prefer remain operational."

>She's pushed onto her haunches now, trying to shrink into a ball

"That damn brick coulda knocked me out."

>Holy shit she's pissing herself

>Feels bad making even a worst pony feel this way, but then again

>Fucking BRICK

"Now let's do a little thought experiment- let's go a few days, weeks, months, years, it don't matter, into the future."

>Jesus she's still going

"Some kid swears one too many times in front of the statue of Discord. Oops, that actually WAS Discord and now he's free, shitting madness and pissing cotton candy everywhere, the princesses are all swirly-eyed doing crosswords to entertain his Court of Chicanery, foals are smashing vending machines everywhere, reality is dead everyone is going insane-"

>Okay seriously is this mare Tycho Brahe? How can one organism contain this much fear piss?

"And we can't do shit about it. This is the new reality, forever, because your dumbfuck ass missed and put one of the keys to his cage in a coma."

>You lean in that last little bit. Your eyeballs are actually touching.

"You really wanna make an official case out of any of this, or you wanna be grateful I have an appointment I'd rather keep?"

>As soon as you let off an angstrom of pressure, she ran off so fast you could've sworn you saw a rainbow

>But you won

>At what cost? You're filthy, you're literally seething, the entire square must've heard you swearing, Trixie-

>Aw shit

>Trixie's been silent the whole time

>Eyes large and wet, lips quivering

>Fuck, you did kick her while she was down

>So much for helping

"Trixie, I-HNNNNNNN"

>Your words are replaced with a bone-crushing hug

>Her voice, uncharacteristically quiet, barely more than a whisper

>"Nopony has ever defended me like that."

>Task failed successfully?

>Aight

>Feels good, mare

"Yeah well, I can't stand cunts like tha-"

>"Trixie was QUITE impressed with your control of the conversation, though she thinks your crowd work could-"

>And she's back.

>And still going.

>Great, she's autistic about stage magic or something.

"Trixie-"

>"-use a little work. Seriously, if this were a show, you'd have lost all your potential tips in the first act!"

"TRIXIE."

>"What?"

"Let's go to the fucking spa already. I feel like shit and we're both caked in.... we'd better be clear of the pig farms is all I'm saying."

>"Ah, so you ARE excited about a day of pampering with MOI?"

"Yeah, I-"

>"No more a neigh-sayer?"

"TRIXIE!"

 

[**

"Confetti. You put confetti in a hygiene product."

>The trio were going at a casual 'alarmed but it's probably not that bad no need to panic' pace.

>"It's not a hygiene product silly! It's a bath bonanza! A bathonanza! Or in Anon's case I guess it'd be an bathanonanza! You get so many nice bubbles, in different colours too! And it fizzles and spins and pop! Surprise! Hehe!"

"Please tell me you warned her."

>"That would ruin the surprise! But yeah! Don't worry Twilight, I told her if she ever needed to have fun during a bath all she had to do was drop one of those in and bam! Fun!

"One. You told her to use just one, correct?"

>"Yeah! I try to pack a whole party into every single ball, so she only needs one! Who'd use more than one? Not even I'm that crazy!"

>"Uhh Pinkie, you kinda are-"

>Splash. Spike's foot was now wet. He stepped back out of the puddle, disgusted.

>"Ew, gross! Looks like somepony sprung a leak."

>There was a mare crying next to a broken window.

"Strange.. e-excuse me miss, is everything okay?"

>Twilight was starting to get a bad feeling about today.

>She approached the distressed mare.

>"My window! I just had it fixed after a package flew through it earlier, now it's been vandalised, again..."

>Pinkie slowly rose on the inside of the house, wearing a detective hat and pipe- how'd she get in there so quick?

>"Hmmmmm... I think the culprit was... you!"

>She held up a brick at leg's length and pointed at it accusingly.

>"Mister Square Edges... I should have known..."

"Pinkie please, we don't have time for this. I'm very sorry miss, I can't imagine who in Ponyville would do something so cruel on purpose, it must have been an accident."

>Spike plodded over, looking around.

>"Weird that there aren't more ponies around. Maybe something scared them off?"

"Maybe Spike, but our first priority is making sure Anon doesn't get herself into trouble. We can still warn her as long as we hurry. She can't be that far ahead."

>Pinkie was back outside and hugging the broken-window mare.

>"Don't worry, I'll throw you a window-fixing party later! Your window will be good as new AND there'll be cake and we can hold a trial for Mister Square Edges so you'll have justice too! It'll be a trial by lyre!"

>The mare sniffed and nodded, hugging Pinkie back. It was wonderful to see, but it was almost time for the appointment at the spa. Tick tock Twilight.

"Ha-ha well... we better go. Pinkie you can handle this, right?"

>"Mmmmhm!"

**]

 

>You and Trixie limped onwards into town

>Whatever meagre adrenaline high your fat ass could muster has given way to the post-crisis shakes

>Combined with the paranoia of constantly checking for that other kid or anypony who could be related to him?

>Yeah it's turning this last half mile into a forced march

"FUCK"

>Heave

"Chest hurts"

>Heave

"I knew stress was bad for you but-"

>A "Scuze me, you two are wanted for questioning" floated into your ears, carried by the gentle clinking of well-fitted plate armor

>Heave

>"SCUZE ME! Miss Anonymous and Miss..." you hear the rustling of a notepad before "...and Powerful?"

>That authority voice snaps you out of your near-sleepwalking

>Wait, authority!?

>Yeah that bitch would go straight to the cops, huh? FUCK.

>You turn to preemptively shut Trixie up but to your horror she's already talking

>"I am The Great and Powerful Trixie! Beatrice, The Great and Powerful lives in the county of Mare-inara! Your judgments are therefore incorrect due to technicality! SMOKE BOMB!"

>Wait, smoke bo-

 

>Let's all get tinnitus! Let's all get tinnitus! Let's all put our heads right next to one of Pinkie's bath bombs, and have ourselves some EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

>When you come to, you're in a dark alleyway

>And half-strangling Trixie

>Why- oh, right

"TRIXIE WHAT THE FUCK!"

>"Trixie panicked!"

"We didn't know what he wanted but we're definitely fugitives now!"

>"TRIXIE PANICKED! SHE IS SORRY!"

"Fucking hell now what do we do!?"

>2hoursearlier.ogg

 

 

 

>Be royal detective

>That lanky slow kid you had shoveling shit for community service? Yeah he came in saying his mom assaulted "two of the greatest heroes who ever lived."

>You were about to throw a shovel at him until you remembered the truffle case

>Yeah, all these towns full of pigs. More pigs than there are truffles. Taxpayer money going to the town pig manager-

>The Cow Mafia, the tax havens, all these alleged price fixing schemes, the embezzlement

>Every decent cop in the greater Canterhorn Vale area knows it's connected, but on the rare occasion that anyone puts a case together?

>The suspect would always get off on a technicality. The evidence mishandled. A detective suddenly looking for a safer line of work.

>"Being closer to family" is what they all say.

>And now the local piggy purser's son hoofed you leverage on a silver platter.

>Every bribery, corruption and tax evasion charge has failed to stick, but you can start dismantling this on an assault charge. Onwards!

 

>A sweep of the crime scene checks out. Broken window from a failed attack. Crying mare confirms her residence was damaged.

>Damaged residence corroborates witness statement. Unfortunately, neither witnessed the attack itself.

>Lines in the dirt. Size and depth suggest a struggle between two mares.

>Impression in the mud- at least one dove for cover, possibly two.

>Puddle of- oh Celestia dammit you stepped right in piss.

>Piss? Fuck, you need to find the victims while there's still a chance they'll talk.

>Luckily you caught some repeating names in that gaggle of rough foals- 'Trixie' and 'Anon.'

 

>Anon.

>Local nopony, does odd carpentry and civil engineering. Unusual for a unicorn.

>Few acquaintances, fewer friends, no criminal record.

>If her tax records are right, she used to live off foraging and work-for-a-meal deals. Never had enough consistent work to attract the tax mares, until 0, ALR.

>National bigtime hero, first name basis with royalty, got a fucking medal and a big enchanted jewel or something... Really weird that nopony around here knows that.

>Reputation for stubbornness and unusual but steadfast ethical code.

>Trixie.

>Probably short for Beatrice.

>Itinerant. Performing artist and raconteur.

>Record of misdemeanors. Pony of interest in recent 'oh fuck that's a big bear' debacle, cleared of charges due to lack of criminal motive or evidence of willful encouragement.

>AKA Miss Piggy couldn't prove Trixie was doing anything but telling a tall tale about a rare monster

>Travels from town by hoof, likely far higher survival knowledge than Ursa Minor encounter would suggest

 

>Exactly the kind of ponies to be a problem for the Cowtel. You gotta get to them, get a statement, get some fucking royal guards before you have a national crisis.

>You are NOT going to be the stallion explaining to God-Queen Princess Celestia the Unconquerable Sun (Featuring Luna) how her magical friendship nuke doesn't work anymore because YOU fucked up

>Every single record must be meticulous

>Every officer must be unwavering in their professionalism and forbearance

>You are NOT fucking this up! Your deputies are NOT fucking this up!

 

 

>Be Deputy Shield of Shielding Shields

>You done fucked up

>You apparently got the wrong name

>You definitely failed to hide your disgust at the sight of a shit-caked, bruised mare thinking she can't even trust the royal guard without offering her virtue.

>And now your key witnesses are spooked, probably think you're on the take, and you have no idea where they went.

>To top it all off, your ears are bleeding and you can't even arrest anyone for it.

>Stupid bucking Pinkie Promises. Gonna cost you like 5 bits and as many minutes at the hospital to fix this shit.

 

 

>Be Anon

>You self-levitated yourself and Trixie up onto a roof

>One of those old-timey Assassin's Creed roofs that has a nice little hidey closet despite having no roof access point

>Hopefully no pegasi come by for a nap

>Trixie is looking at you with a slack jaw

>"How!?"

"What?"

>And now the scrunch

>"What do you mean 'what?' Trixie demands to know how you just flew!"

"You know how even a brain-dead baby unicorn can grab stuff? I just grabbed myself and you."

>"Don't give Trixie that! Everypony knows telekinesis uses the body for a leverage point! You might as well pull on your harness and fly!"

"Okay! Technically I just made my effective mass near-zero then sorta used my TK like a rope to hoist myself up... I probably couldn't do it in an empty field and a cloudless sky."

>You're not used to thinking so much about magic

>You only know a few tricks, sure, but it's all the same principles so you can apply them as easily as using a hammer on two different kinds of nails

>Or something like that, anyway

>She's still looking at you like one of you is stupid

"What?"

>Scrunch.jpg

"Telekinesis makes stuff lighter, it's got some antigravity or mass-negation property, I just put that on my hooves. Carrying you was just normal casting."

>"And how will we get down once the-"

>She peeks out of the closet at the squads of fully armored guards scouring the town below

>"Jackbooted sun lickers have left?"

"....am I the only unicorn who knows you can slow your fall? Like just by *doing* it, no complicated spells needed?"

>

>

>

>"Trixie needs to know how you're this good at magic, yet only find work as a glorified repair pony."

 

>Man you've been hiding up here for a while

>What time is it?

>Shouldn't you have missed your spa appointment by now?

>Maybe Equestria has longer days

>Come to think of it, there's no dusk or dawn here

>The princesses cast that spell and boop, instant noon or midnight

>You peek out. Still a lotta chaos below.

>Oh shit, Sofas and Quills just got raided. And you just got guaranteed employment for the next week.

>Assuming you're not in prison or whatever.

>Speaking of which, this is Ponyville.

>Nopony gives a shit about anything less than murder if the Princess isn't visiting.

>So why is a minor case of running giving you a five star wanted level?

 

"Fuck. The hell do they want with us?"

>Trixie sighs for like 5 full seconds, like a moody teenager

>"Because Trixie resisted arrest and smoke bombed a cop." She says in a flat affect.

"Fu- no, I wasn't trying to dig at you. I know for a fact they don't swarm the whole damn town over that kinda shit. The hell does Applejack have that we don't?"

>Trixie has to stop herself from belly laughing

>"APPLEJACK? Resist arrest?"

"You kidding? You know how many tax collectors she's chased off? Can't really blame her though, I'd refuse to pay for shit if my parents got vored on a road the guard were supposed to be protecting."

>Shit she's staring again

>Disgust, confusion, curiosity

"What did I say?"

>"Vored!?"

>Fuck

>You used an internet fetish word

>You're not INTO that shit, God no, it's just one of those hilariously cursed things you pick up when you're terminally online

>Think of some-

>"That is... technically a correct usage, but strange that you would randomly dip into ancient Minoan."

 

>Oh shit

>You're seeing more armored pegasi move overhead

>Weird that they haven't noticed you yet

>Aren't pegasi supposed to be the perceptive ones? Or was that just Dash?

>Doesn't matter, gotta move, but where?

>Trixie, perhaps noticing your distress, cranes her head over the other side of the roof

>"What in tartarus is the apple horse doing?"

"Applejack? Probably getting in her daily altercation with the donut patrol. Happens... like... clockwork okay it can't be later than 2pm so we haven't missed our spa slot!"

>You trot over and look down

>Sure enough, Applejack is between a cart with a hay pile, and a fat sweaty constable

>You can tell because his armor is shittier and unlike the royal guards, his polearm is a glorified shepherd's crook

>They both seem pretty distracted, it's a much more likely getaway down that side than-

"Say, how the hell have we not been seen yet?"

>Smug Trixie is smug, she prepares to drop Knowledge on you

>"Easy: most pegasi don't actually think about what they see."

>The fuck? You knew Trixie was elitist but that sounded outright racist

>"Ugh. Don't look at Trixie like that- it's basic psychology. They move so fast that their brains just passively categorize stuff for later."

>She scoffs and says, "Showponies gotta know this stuff if we want to attract the crowd."

"I still don't follow."

>You get the biggest eye roll you've ever seen, "FINE, try to keep up."

>"A pegasus flying a route they've flown a lot will just go into standby mode. It doesn't mean they sleep-fly, but they won't really notice anything that doesn't *seriously* break the pattern of what they expect until much later when they start, y'know, remembering stuff."

>So kind of like driving to work or whatever? Alright

"So, like, this roof has no way for grounded ponies to climb up..."

>"Yep."

"So anyone who doesn't know exactly what they're looking for is going to see us, shrug, and assume it's a pair of pegasi up here?"

>"Most likely. And they won't really realize we don't have wings until they stop. Pretty sure it's also why pegasi smash into doors and windows so often- they're just instinctually expecting everything to be clouds."

>You pause and reflect, your hoof near your mouth

>Wait ew no, hoof on ground now

"I hate how much sense that makes. Now, I know how we can get past this neighborhood."

>"Do tell."

"Take your field and spread it around you, and pull up as hard as you can."

>"What are- NO. We are NOT jumping off the roof into a hay cart!"

"I can't slow us both down! It was hard enough climbing up here!"

>"Trixie is a sleight of hoof artist, not an acrobat!"

>Flitter and Cloudchaser alighted on the roof across the street

>You can't trust them not to rat you out, it's go time!

>"Are you even listening to TrixAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

>Next thing you know, you land in the pile of hay with a hard thud

>But no wetness to it, which implies Trixie didn't go splash

"Trixie? You alive?"

>"Trixie hates..." is the whisper you get back

 

 

 

>"Trixie hates..... how long it took her to meet you."

"Ha, gay"

>"Yes, despite the tumult, Trixie has had a gay olde tyme with you. And these new applications of boring old cantrips will make The Great and Powerful Trixie's performances even bigger and gayer!"

>Suddenly, the drunken murmur afore of the cart stops

>SHIT

>Trixie realizes too, catching her mouth with both hooves

>Kinda cute ngl

>And now you're partially disappointed that you might not be eating taco tonight

>And partially relieved, cause you have no idea how two lesbians would actually date or fuck outside of a porno and even you're not dumb enough to think porn sex is real sex

>And yet another, horrible, primal part of you is approving of this as it means you might be open to-

>You mentally order your absolute cunt of a cunt to shut up and not even think about getting knocked up

>It's not even springtime goddammit, this meat cannon is sometimes more ornery than your dick was

>And just like you were once thankful for wearing a belt or a sturdy pair of jeans, you're glad this cart is already full of old hay or Trixie might get put off by your girl boner

>You actually LIKE her, to the point that you don't want to fuck this up by trying to make it sexual if she doesn't-

>Jesus Christ

>Feelings that take more than 2 words to describe?

>You really ARE going native, you fruitcake

>Is that a bad thing though?

>You stopped caring about having a pussy years ago. It's not even a case of you liking it more or less, it's just your body.

>Whatever shit brought you here changed your brain too, you think, or you'd constantly feel like something was wrong. At least it had the decency to make sure you were still turned on by ladies.

>You keep tripping yourself trying to make human gestures, yeah, but that's less your body image and more just having deep-seated habits.

>Are habits entirely in your memories? You know muscle memory wasn't actually stored in the muscle... You definitely have all your memories.

>Well, most of them. Stopped thinking so much of home.... You've forgotten some shit, but that's just normal forgetting that happens when you don't interact with things for years.

>Fuck. Every time you realize how long it's been since you really thought of Earth, it fucks you up way more than remembering you used to have a dick.

>Even when you started getting over that, you just hated yourself for letting go.

>Is that why you push ponies away? Do you hate yourself, or are you afraid you'll be whisked away and lose another set of friends?

"Gah fuck!"

>You're lurched out of a depression spiral by a bigass pothole and Trixie's hoof covering your mouth. Cart's been moving, apparently.

>Right. The cart. The tension holds for a few moments, but it's obvious Applejack didn't hear you.

>Close call, you need to stay quiet, but at least this time the silence wasn't awkward.

 

>The cart comes to a creaking halt

>You don't hear or feel Applejack removing the harness

>"Hey. Y'all wanna get out, now?"

>The puffs of warm air on your face get lighter and more frequent; you reach out to Trixie

>fuckfuckfuck you can't take AJ in a fight

>"Ahem. We're here, y'all."

>fuckingwhat.scroll

>You risk a peek out of the hay

>Applejack has her head turned all the way to the side, looking at you with one eye

>Goddamn her eyebrow is raised all the way into her hat

"You... you knew?"

>She half sighs, half growls

>"Gonna assume you think too highly of yerself, and not too lowly of me. Simply put, NO SHIT."

>Well, you did speak at least twice

>And you can kind of see a bit of Trixie's purple hat

>Of course, the one bit of her hat not turned brown would be the one part AJ could see

>AJ seems more annoyed than-

>"Come on now, Ah got shit t'do and y'don't want to be customers smuggled in through th'delivery door, do you?"

"Hold up, you really don't care that-"

>"Nope."

"And how-"

>"Twilight tells everypony everything, duh."

"But the g-"

>"Not mah business. Ain't none of my neighbors dead nor mah trees cut down, so it can't be that bad."

>Trixie flops out of the haypile and runs to the spa door with a clip clop

>Except she's wet and filthy so it's more like slip slop slip slop

>"Come on, Trixie's bath needs a baaaaaaath!"

>She's right

>You do not envy the bitch or bastard who has to clean the tubs after you're done

 

>Clean

>Bright

>Fruity-smell

>The anticipation of impending softness

>All wafted over you as you crossed the threshold

>Trixie walks taller, smiles a little more

>Finally

>This bitch of a day can end

>Aloe is handling reception today, looking up from her magazine to deliver the boilerplate greeting

>"Allo and velcome to- ACK. NO! NOT IN HERE! SIDE DOOR, NOW!"

"But-"

>"FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY! GO!"

"You ain't even got our-"

>"YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, OR YOU VOULD NOT DARE!"

>Before you can ask your next question, you and Trixie are hauled off by a few burly workers of various tribe and sex

>You're so tired by this point, it doesn't even send you on a spiraling internal confrontation of your sexuality

>Nope

>You certainly didn't like having your only excuse for clothing taken by that pegasus guy who looks like a walking steroids PSA

>And you definitely didn't like watching Trixie get stripped and tossed in the bath by-

>Woah Nelly? She works at the spa?

>Shit

>Apparently you're also into fat chicks.

>Well, her cutie mark IS her own face in a star

>Chicks are supposed to be super into confidence, right?

>You are, notionally, a chick after all

>Shit, is that why you want to gargle Trixie's clit?

>Maybe, but you recall your first boner ever was to that magician lady in the Batman cartoon.

>Perhaps all you actually want in life is a loud lady in a leotard and fancy hat to step on you.

 

>An indeterminate time passes, which you experience as a whirlwind of scrubbing, musings on why you like girls in big hats, and a vaguely European accent asking probing questions

>There's no issue with your appointment; Twilight sent word ahead that she was transferring the slot

>Everything's in order and the proprietress goes off to prepare your actual spa services

>Wait, really?

>That IS something Twilight would do, but

>"The bath's complimentary, actually. Everypony gets a weekly trip to the public bathhouse, required by law. Aloe is just... Aloe."

>You stare up at the hazmat-suited bath attendant with a look of incredulity

>"Uh, you were mumbling to yourself about a shitty day and what could go wrong next... Just thought I'd... nevermind."

>Aloe and Lotus waltz in at that moment. And immediately scrunch.

>"Okay, now you go to jacuzzi, soak there until stench of-" She pauses and gestures at, well, everything. "-this... gone."

>Oh shit, hot tub appetizer? Classy.

>Wait, how the fuck is a hot tub gonna make you cleaner?

>"Trixie has partaken once before. A genuine Jacuzzi is like a washing machine for ponies. Magic bubbles. Self-heating, self-sustaining flow. Magical and mechanical filtering, helps clean the residual ick out of one's fur. Ritual purification in some cultures."

>Trixie is staring at you at a 45 degree angle

>"What? Trixie knows you only cock your head like that when you're confused."

>Oh, sorry, that's you at the angle, not her.

 

 

 

>So, the Ponyville Community... Hot Tub?

>Place is huge. Maybe as big as a school gym.

>Lots of ponies here, too. Way more than you'd assume the spa could service in a day.

>Whatever, they probably sell pool time as its own thing too. It's a business move so obvious even your dumb ass is thinking about it.

>Two rings of posts divide the pool into an outer, inner and core layer. A few pegasi are overhead, monitoring a cloud ceiling. Might also be doing lifeguard duty- it's not very deep but still deep enough to drown if you slip and fall in just the wrong way.

>The water around the edges is flowing like a vortex, but pretty gentle. Foals are splashing each other and their irritated parents.

>The inner sections are hard to make out from the near-solid wall of steam, you can't see the core at all. Just the innermost(?) ring of posts, half-shrouded in steam.

>You assume those posts are enchanted to somehow divide the water itself.

>At least, you can't imagine how else they got the water to act like solid independently rotating rings.

>Trippy as fuck, this might be the most obviously magical thing you've ever seen.

>A wizard throwing fireballs is one thing, but chucking a molotov gets you the same effect.

>This? This just outright shouldn't be possible, and it's pretty cool you guess.

 

>Trixie's voice shakes you out of your wonderment. "The staff recommend soaking in the center ring first; they won't let us into the rest of the spa until we've spent at least 10 minutes there, anyway."

"Y'know, if this is what they have in a little farming town, how great are the spas in Canterlot or Manehattan?"

>"The difference is vast enough to make one wet with envy. Pun always intended."

>Heh, wet.

>Thank fuck she's looking forward and didn't see you blush.

>You walk slowly through the lukewarm water, letting Trixie take the lead

>Immediately past the first ring, the water gets hotter and-

>Fuck, it's even flowing in the opposite direction?

>You're hyperfixated on this, yes, but it's like every damn sense needs to be triply reassured that this is actually happening

>Feels great, though

>A few neighbors and strangers grunt small talk at you as you approach the fog wall; you grunt non-answers back.

>Trixie is already waiting there, not slowed down by "water's great, isn't it?" or variations thereof. You walk up abreast of her and stop.

"Scared?"

>"What? No. Trixie assumed *you* would be, after seeing your surprise at the inner edge."

>Scared? No. Nervous? Maybe. You've never been in a hot tub or a sauna, come to think of it.

>"Just grit your teeth and push through. The heat can be a shock, let it roll over you, walk forward, and sit down somewhere. It's that easy."

 

>So you do exactly that. The heat smacks you like lead before settling like...

>Well, like a blanket.

>The water isn't circling anymore, it's roiling. Flipping over itself like it's boiling, but it ain't boiling.

>Louder here, too. Almost feels like hot rain-

>It is hot rain. You're in some kind of fancy molded cloud, not just steam.

>Wizards. Or do pegasi count as druids? Whatever. Magic, man.

>The floor gets heavily textured and rough. Probably for safety, but also really uncomfortable to sit on.

>Trixie appears out of the shroud, shuddering and doing a cute little neigh as she adjusts to the heat.

>And almost trips over you.

>"Right, forgot you've never been here. Get up, you're not supposed to sit in the walkway."

>She takes the lead again, inching forward, leaning into...

>Doorways? There's walls demarcating little grottos in here.

>Trixie leans in, asks if there's room for two mares, and moves on. Once, twice, thrice,

>Fourth time's the charm. The two of you find an empty room. The walls are just high enough to give a feeling of privacy, the grippy textured floor gives way to that rubberized cushiony stuff they make booths out of, and the seating arrangements appear to be marked by adjustable poles topped with cushioned chin rests.

>With how the cushions are setup, the water is just deep enough to cover your whole body if you lay down. Some trick in the construction of the walls encourages a constant shower right over where your head and mane would be exposed.

>So, you fiddle with the button and rack the chin rest into the right height, and lay down with the obligatory Hot Tub Moan

>And you silently thank the self-cleaning water when you get a tingle at Trixie making the same noise. FUCK you need to get laid. Corn cobs ain't doing the trick, and you KNOW Applejack knows what you're buying them for.

 

>There's no clock in the grotto. You figure an attendant will just come and get you. Or not, honestly that would be fine too.

>You nod off once or twice or thrice or-

>"Hey, little help here?" a male voice says

>You manage to control yourself and avoid making a completely unjust scene- it's not like ponies really care about co-ed stuff.

>Blinking and squinting through the fog reveals it to be-

"Davenport? Shit, where'd you get that shiner? I thought *I* was having a bad day dude!"

>You say that like you didn't watch his door get kicked down. He lays down and answers while you fiddle with his pole [spoiler]giggity[/spoiler]

>"Ha, yeah, funny thing- one second I was closing the deal on a lovely Saddle Arabian loveseat, the next I'm hit by my own damn door flying off its hinges."

>Shit

"Ponyville, amirite? Rainbow Dash again?"

>His expression darkens. Quite an impressive feat when he's otherwise the comfiest loaf in the room.

>"No. Royal Detective Service. Asking a lot of questions. Looking for you."

>hahahahahahahaFUCK

 

>>"Trixie was not in town until just now!"

>God. Dammit.

>Davenport looks at her like she just dumped her most fucked up kinks on everyone, but moves on

>Phew

>"No, it ain't like that. They seemed pretty worried, kept saying your security was national security? I'm assuming on account of the helements of armory-"

"Elements of Harmony"

>"Yeah those. As I was saying, they uh, didn't seem to be out to get you? Course, I didn't tell them anything on account of having nothing to tell them, eventually they promised to pay for the ol' poof and floof-"

>>"Nopony calls it that."

>"-if I agreed to not sue them on account of them kicking my door into my face from 10 yards away. Figured taking the deal was better than wasting a month to squeeze 20 bits out of the cops, y'know?"

"Buuuuut it's fancy meeting me here 'cause I do good work for relatively cheap, right?"

>You use that sing-songy voice Rarity or the cutie mark potatoes use to get shit done

>He gives you that cock-eyed stare before going "uh, sure, was meaning to ask you"

>Partial success

>Still gotta get skilled with your feminine wiles, it seems

"Wait. You said they were trying to protect us?"

>"Seemed like it."

>>"From what!? One skank threw a brick at Trixie but that hardly justifies a bodyguard!"

>"Trixie, most performers get bodyguards for exactly that reason. Well, that or rapey fans."

>Shit, her face clenched up like she's suppressing a full scrunch

>He's right but that doesn't give him the right to make Trixie sound like a stupid, foolhardy nobody

>Only Trixie is allowed to do that

>Your dreams of sugarplums and cleaning this fucker out with hidden fees get interrupted by various moo'fs and pardon moo'ois, on approach vector

>A heifer pokes her head in, notices the relative free space, and crams all 1,000 hamburgers worth of cow meat into it

"Oh hey Mooriel, lemme get that thingy for you."

>"MOOOOO'ch obliged"

>Huh. Is that a prison tattoo? Has that always been there, hidden by her collar?

 

 

>Be Moo'riel

>Today has been shit

>Cops breathing down your proverbial and literal neck

>Entire operation is in danger now- they have something that'll stick on someone.

>They didn't tell you, of course, that would be violating witness protection and anyway they're sure you already know

>It's complete pies

>Everything you're doing is technically legal

>Even with a looser view of the law, you ain't done shit in months but collect the checks and sell the completely. unregulated. goods on the open market.

>Took you all cornfed day to get away from the shitkicking rattlers and then you just had to run into Applejack

>Well, she's not so bad, she charges fuck all for rent and keeps the tax mares off your back without even asking for a cut

>Granted, she doesn't know shit about fuck or she might.

>But nope, as far as she's concerned you're just another dairy cow

>You don't even make milk anymore. Too old to stay pregnant. No calves = no milk.

>Yet she lets you stay, even lets you fuck the bulls for pure fun sometimes, and all she really asks is that you keep the idiot heifers from stampeding too often.

>When you put it like that, why do you need to skirt the law and piss off the cops?

>This whole town would fall apart without your legitimate business, and they'd cheer for it. That's why.

>The bleeding hearts.

>Anyway

>Applejack got overpaid for some hogslop grade hay and bought you some bubble time

>Yeah, she's not so bad, you just like complaining

>She told you Anon was here too, and you might be able to catch her in the pool still

>You like Anon. You like how she fixes your fence and offered to build a nice pavilion roof thing for when Applejack kicks your asses out of the barn in the summer.

>You especially like how she's usually the only idiot in this town with half a brain and a steady heart.

>Maybe you could let her in on the business. She could use the work, and having a pony on that side of the operation would only improve your image when those wastes of grass build their kangaroo case.

>Later, this place isn't good for discussing the business, but you're good enough that you could probably get a feel for how she'd-

>You make out a couple choice words in the splashing and rain and laughter

>"Detective Service"

>The fuck?

>You double-time it, almost eating bathtub a few times

>That's right, just pardon yourself, play up the dumb cow schtick

>Aaaaand

>Here! Just enough room in there aaaaaaand he's talking to Anon

>Play it cool. You have no idea what's actually going on here, yet.

>"Oh hey Mooriel, lemme get that thingy for you."

>She actually gets up and goes in front of you, making sure the headrest fits perfectly.

>

>There's no fear in her eyes, no tell in her voice

>As far as you know, whatever the stockyard wanted with her, she has no clue it's connected to you

>Wait

>Duh

>This is Anon

>You're overcomplicating things. She's more straightforward than Big Mac.

"Sooooo, don't take this the wrong way, but ya look a little plum tuckered, don'tcha know?"

>"Oh fuck where do I begin-" She glances over at the cerulean mare. "Shuddup Trixie."

>She launches into a spiel about a normal day and a friendly visit turning into a marehunt

>At least you think she does

>You didn't actually hear all of it

>"-And then this uh, 'purser of the sow'-" she says the title with a demeaning singsongy impression of a mentally retarded chinchilla- "threw a fucking brick at Trixie and went for the cops after I stood my ground."

>Yeah

>She's been talking for the past five minutes but all you heard after that was tinnitus

>Huh.

>You always thought the ringing and tunnel vision was just a filmmaking trick, but no, it's real.

>What was it your mother always said? "Don't wait to cut a buffalo chip out- you don't want it to dry on your fur." You always questioned it- who would lay in buffalo shit to begin with?

>You get it now. You let the last near-miss with the stockyards slide. Wasn't anything she did that directly led to it, no matter how inconvenient or erotic it was for every last heifer to get milked to the bone that night.

>Should've smelled the trouble and cut that chip loose. Now it's gonna tear your fur out with it.

>Cud dammit, your mother was ALWAYS right.

 

 

>Be Anon

>You just worked out a contract with Davenport, ensuring you'll be eating oats all week

>Got to 'chew the cud' with Mooriel, as she'd say, which is always nice

>She might look and talk like some sweet old Wisconsin grandma, but she's gotta have some stories

>There has to be a reason she doesn't wince when you swear or talk about missing meat

>Maybe today is approaching not being shit, after all

>Something ain't right, though

>After the chatter, you just couldn't get back into bath zen

>You're forgetting something

>It's itching at the back of your head, but you just can't-

>"Hey, these grottos are designed so they don't leak into each other." Trixie says, almost with a yawn

>You squint at her with one eye

"Yeah? So?"

>"It means you can use perfumes and soaps without being rude to other customers?"

"...Yes?"

>

>

>

>"So."

"So what?"

>"Ugh. So, grab one out of your bag and toss it in! Must Trixie do everything waitwhereisthebag?"

>

>

>

"I think the spa ponies took... it... from..... me... to.... wash..."

>"Oh. Well, they are professionals, surely they'll check the contents of bags and pockets before they-"

>Yeah, no

>Not with the day you've been having

"Mooriel run for the door, NOW!"

 

>Be Bulk Biceps

>Stuck on laundry duty

>Fucking sucks cause you're pretty sure the blue mare and her green friend were checking you out

>Woulda been the perfect opportunity to sell tickets to THE GUN SHOW, HOO HA HUH

>Ladies.

>Ah fuck

>The washer is rumbling worse than your gut that time you tried eating sugar free candy

>You go to sit on it til it behaves, but for some reason you're now embedded in the ceiling

 

 

>You scarcely clear the door on your grotto when you hear pipes start to strain

>"Just go straight, the doors all face the rings!"

>It's hell trying to speed through deep water. You start to wonder how the hell the lifeguards would see trouble, but the flapping of wings behind you puts that concern to rest.

>Every motion takes 4 times the effort from the resistance, not to mention the weight of wet fur

>You can see the soft glow of the poles in the distance now. Maybe halfway there?

>No, the pegasi are clearing the fog. Now instead of the core being zero visibility, the whole room is roughly 50%.

>Right, this whole room isn't that big. Just feels bigger from the pea soup sauna. You can do this.

>Distant grinding metal turns to nearby quaking ground turns to ponies panicking.

>Lifeguards are moving foals first. Right ahead of you on the shore, a fat little teal kid gets-

>>"The Great and Powerful Trixie! Everything's gonna be okay, guys!"

>FUCK.

>Not him.

>He tries to move towards Trixie, but that beefcake masseuse drops in between the two.

>Is that drywall stuck to his fur?

>"Everypony, move to the exit! There's gonna be a-"

>He looks down. The water is sparkly and turning pink.

>"Oh no."

>The floor lurches. You hear the hum of a contingency spell triggering. Something holding your neck up, and a glow on your nose.

>Then you see and hear nothing

 

 

"Ough, what the fuck just happened?"

>Everything hurts like a bitch

>Can't see shit

>Ears ringing

"Who turned out the lights? Trixie? MooAAAApppplblbphhhht-"

>A touch at your back startles you, next thing you know you're rolling underwater and flailing wildly

>Wait

>Water?

>"Stop hitting Trixie AAAAA stopstopstop!"

>The fuck is that around your-

>It's a floatie

>Right

>The pipes blew

>The last thing you remember was a spell triggering

>Must've teleported it onto you

>>"Hey, you're awake! Over here!"

>A light spell reveals the dipshit masseuse and the other refugees on...

"How am I going to climb onto a cloud!? I can't cast cloudwalking!"

>You probably could emulate it the same way you do a lot of tricks, but now's not the time to be trying new shit

>>"The glitter makes it solid enough, just-"

"Oh, in that case, fuck you! Why the hell didn't you drag me up already!? Ain't this part of your job!?"

>>"Don't yell at me! Besides, it was YOUR bag that caused this!"

>At that, the others murmur in disapproval

"The fuck? You just took it from me and, what, threw it in the wash?"

>"That's right! We were all but thrown into the bath! We didn't have the chance to declare anything!"

>Ha, now everypony's squinting at him

>Herd mentality is fun sometimes

>>"W-well, what were you even doing with that many!?"

"I was gonna share. Pinkie gave me a lot of top shelf stuff for free and it's not like I was gonna use it all!"

>At that point you both devolve into yelling, ad hominem insults and-

>"Not that Trixie isn't enjoying the show, but might we get- I said GET TRIXIE THE HELL OUT BEFORE SHE BECOMES SOUP!"

>She's right

>Yelling and treading water is exhausting, even with a neck floatie

>Wait

"Wh-yeah why is the water still hot if the building's wrecked!?"

>>"You tell me, unicorn!"

>Oh that does it

>You actually do have a theory, but fuck that guy cause it has nothing to do with you being a unicorn

>Being a unicorn does, however, make it real easy to pin his wings to his sides and-

>>"HeywaitwhatareAAAAAAAAAAAA"

>Sploosh

>Hey look now there's plenty of room to climb

 

 

>It's a bitch and a half hauling your fat, sopping plot up the short climb

"Fuck"

>The glitterated cotton cloundy substrate gives way to short punches, making for easy hoofholds

"Fuck this feels so weird-"

>The inside of the cloud has turned somehow gooey AND tough and leathery, like some kind of non-newtonian laffy taffy

"Ga-OW"

>But every crispity crunchity intrusion leaves painful sand in your frogs

"Trixie-"

>Three short eternities later, you flop over onto something more solid

"*wheeze* you were right, our baths are gonna"

>Heave

"Need baths. FUCK."

 

>Take stock

>Where the fuck: a solid platform. Suspended from the roof by a sturdy bar.

>What the fuck: Probably a monitoring station, judging by the now-ruined control panels and ticker machines.

>Who the fuck: Looks like everyone who couldn't get to the exit in time. Mooriel, Davenport, Snips (FUCK), Trixie, Bulk Biceps (not shown due to being in water) and (you). A few randos you don't know, too.

>Everyone, probably including you, has had their fur stained in weird patterns from climbing around.

>Fucking sparklepone OCs

>Wait, water-

>Oh yeah. The water. The room is roughly three quarters submerged.

>Folks are murmuring in your general direction

>Figures, they only remember you're a national hero when they want something

>You're about to open your mouth when Roid-a-roo comes back up

>"The buck, lady!? I was going to help you up!"

>Grr

>You turn around, pawing at the ground

>"Er-"

"The buck? The buck you mean!? I'm treading water in a slow cooker and you make some bucking racial remarks!?"

>"What- no! I'm a pegasus, I don't know magic! I was being serious!"

>You've got way more for him, but the crowd staring at you-

>Little fat kid's a stupid bastard but nobody actually *wants* to disappoint a kid

>Goddammit, you really are going native

>Not to mention you shouldn't give Twilight any more ammo than she already has

"Ugh- look, I'm..."

>agggggg

"I'm sorry I let the stress of the situation get to me. I assume you were preoccupied with Mooriel since she probably doesn't float so good."

>Bulk's eyes go wide. Probably not used to an angry customer being the one to deescalate.

>Poor guy. He rubs the back of his head (somehow).

>"Uh- yeah, and uh... I guess my wording was... tribalist, even if I didn't... m'sorry."

>Stupid girl horse body

>Stupid maternal instinct satisfaction from setting an example for the little one

>Stupid warm fuzzy feelings from murmurs of cooperation

>You're physically incapable of not liking it. Fucking horse dopamine.

>Shit, Trixie's trying to be all stoic for once

>Blushing over the quiet adoration she's getting by association

>You know what's up, she can't hide it

"Ok, I don't know horseapples about weather magic or enchanting, but I do a lot of odd jobs..."

>The crowd approximates an echoing "yeah? uh huh?"

"I think the spa/bathhouse is built right over Ponyville's hot water reservoir... and the pipes blowing might've opened a sinkhole."

>Their faces are already dropping. You can't sugar coat it though-

"And seeing how the top windows are dark, and with the luck I've had today, I'm assuming the bath bomb mix spread everywhere before the pipes finally blew-"

>They're an inch from doing a Flower Trio impression

"-Meaning rescue crews are having to fight with that taffinated sludge to have any hope of getting in here."

>THE HORROR! THIS IS AWFUL!

"On the bright side, there's no way they could miss the biggest building in town dropping 15 paces right into the ground, right? I'm sure they're working on it already-"

 

 

>You were just settling in for the new edition of the Thaumological Mathematician's Jorunal

>Extra dry, no pictures, full annotations

>Dirty little whore gonna get read like the open book she is

>Oh yeah, ba-

>"TWILIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

>Spike comes into your room, sopping wet and covered in soap, wearing nothing but a worried expression

>Which, to be fair, he wears pretty often

"Spike! Don't track water and soap everywhere!"

>A quick application of Whistle Blower's Cleansing Fist saves your hardwood floors and the books

>True, it was devised for emergency cleaning of airship engines, but Spike's-

>"AAAAAAAAA WHY IS EVERYTHING SANDPAPER!"

>He'll be fine, he's walked off worse.

>"Ugh, don't do that!"

>

>

>

"Do you want to keep standing there looking indignant, or did you want to tell me what the problem is?"

>"...Did you not feel the ground shake? It happened right when the hot water cut off!"

>Oh, that

>You thought you felt a slight rumble

"Not really? I installed enchanted shock absorbers so my reading time wouldn't be interrupted by Rainbow Dash's routine-"

>CRASH

>>"HEY TWILIGHT!"

"Break-ins."

>Leaning over the side of your sleeping... cubby? You shout down at her-

"Rainbow Dash! Do you keep forgetting my windows are made of glass!?"

>>"Yeah, actually. Don't know why." She says with a guilty head scratch. "Anyway, the spa just half-exploded, half sunk into the ground."

>

>

>>"Twi?"

>

>

"Celestia bucking DAMMIT."

 

>The steady beat of your hooves

>General panic and pandemonium ahead, getting closer

>Crisp afternoon air whipping your mane and tail into a frenzy, doing nothing to help your burning lungs

>Lungs burning

>Lungs REALLY burning

>Above, in the distance, you see a rainbow blur darting about where the spa....

>Used to be.

>Faster! This is precisely why you read that book on kinesthetics!

>That's a lie, you actually read it to prepare for the upcoming Running of the Leaves

>Something soft on your back flips backwards, leaving a weight on your tail

>"Twiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!slowdowwwwwwwwwwwwn!"

>Right. Spike.

"I told you to hold my neck tight!"

>You hate being mean to him, even if he seems to shrug off physical pulverization as easily as an itch

>And that's assuming he notices at all

>A baby dragon is still a DRAGON, no matter how often you forget that

>Ow!

>Really, you're hurting yourself more than him

>Time to come to a skidding halt

"Okay-OOF!"

>Silly you, you forgot conservation of momentum!

>Spike rolls into your back legs and knocks them out from under you

>"Oof-Hey-MMMMMF!"

"Sorry Spike!"

>"Why am I even coming? What am I gonna be able to do, exactly?"

"Spike, don't be-"

>The run catches up to you, and whatever you were going to say is lost in a coughing, wheezing fit

>"TWILIGHT!"

"I'm- HHHG- fine- HHHHHG-"

>You blindly grab the nearest container of water and drink all of it

>>"Hey, that was my laundry water!"

"WE DON'T NORMALLY WEAR CLOHTES!"

>"Twilight?"

"I'M FINE! I'm fine, I just don't think I've ever tried to sprint that long before."

>He scoffs. "Yeah, you're in worse shape than Anon."

>You try to get up, but there's something sopping wet on you.

>Plus a dragon.

>"Nope. Catch your breath first."

"But I-"

>"Nope. You're no use if you fall over the second you get there."

"But the emergency!"

>"Didn't that dumb running science book have a section on pacing yourself?"

>Curses!

>How dare he use established scientific consensus against you!

"Ugh, you're right."

>And so you lay, splayed out and wheezing for a short while

>

>

"Spike?"

>"Yeah?"

"What else, besides you, is laying on me?"

>"You, uh, don't wanna know."

>

>

>You can barely make out the beat of heavy hoofsteps over your own heartbeat

>>"Thanks a lot! Now I'm going to have to wash my sweaty gambeson all over again! Do you have ANY idea how bad armor chafes without a jacket!?"

>

>Sweaty

>Wool

>In your water

>Oh yeah, that's you turning green

 

>"Twilight, darling, there you arEEEAAAGH!"

>And that must be Rarity

>Judging by the length and intensity of her anguished screm, you estimate she has seen but did not touch the rank mess you just made

>"What on Earth happened to you? And- oh, you got it all over Spikey-wikey!"

>You can feel him going full heart-eyes

>Yep, he's useless to anyone not named Rarity for the next hour or two

"Hey Rarity, yeah- WHEEZE- just decided to keel over in my own- WHEEZE- digestive contents for fun!"

>"Oh, yes, surely you heard- the spa! All of Ponyville's coiffure in danger! As much as I would like to fall over and commiserate with you, somepony must do SOMETHING, and that might as well be us!"

>Clippa cloppa

>White blob, in your field of vision

>Don't tell Rarity you called her a blob

>Now, gigantic eyelashes. A face resolves itself from the chaos. A face that twists into a sneer of horror.

>"Well, that and I'm absolutely NOT fainting on the filthy ground. My old couch finally lost its war with Opalescence and wouldn't you know, Sofas and Quills is closed early today!"

>Great

>You had scheduled "buy new quills, peruse bargain cushions" after your reading time

"As if- WHEEZE- this day could get any worse!"

>You can't tell if she actually got the sarcasm or not

>"I know darling, local businesses are the backbone of any economy, but that is precisely why we must hold fast!"

>Sproinga-pronka

>Oh no

>Sproinga-pronka

>You like Pankle Po but you cannot deal with Panko Panera right now

>Sproinga-pronka

>This is NOT a moment for Pringles Peeper-

>Sproinga-pronka

>Wow, you did that thing Anon does. Maybe stop riding her plot about it then?

>>"HEY TWILIGHT! Lucky you, my left eye started a'twinging, which means either I need to eat less frosting or Twilight's sticky and needs help. So of course I brought my little red wagon I keep for little red wagon emergencies because Pinkie Pie can NEVER eat too much frosting!"

"I feel like that last part hasn't been peer-reviewed OW hey watch the-"

>Your witty retort is punctuated with a sound not unlike climbing out of a bog

>The thicky-sticky kind, where the "water" seems to crackle in annoyance

"Ow, what is- is that a shovel!?"

>>"Well duh, you're gross and I don't wanna touch you. C'mon, I work in food service, I gotta stay clean silly! Rarity, pick up one end-"

>"Absolutely not!"

>This again?

"Rar- OW-"

>Bit of your fur stayed on the ground that time

"-ity! The concept of- OW- thaumic field miasma has been thoroughly disproven! OW! One hundred years ago! You can't catch- OW! physical disease through WATCH IT magical contact AGH! Now please help Pinkie Pie while I still have some fur!"

>>"Girl what did you even eat!? I wouldn't even think Spike could make something as sticky as this!"

>Spike FINALLY snaps out of his Rarity Rump Haze, "Wait wha- oh, she drank a laundry tub."

>You can FEEL the two of them staring at you in disgust

"N-not on purpose! I fell over! If I sprinted any more my lungs would've been bleeding!"

 

>>"C'mon Rares, you've got magic! Did you forget or something?"

>The look on Rarity's face suggests that, yes, she did forget. A sudden drop in local gravity suggests she's trying to pick you up.

>>"Spiiiiiiiiiike? Come on, lazy silly. Sillazy? Lazilly? Sillizard!"

>A tiny bit of weight lifts itself off your back. Seriously, how is Spike so light and soft?

>"Eh, I dunno what I'm scared of. It's just soap, spit, water and probably a bit of stomach acid. I was already-"

>Rarity and Pinkie are boring holes in Spike with their eyes. You can feel the residual heat. You'd be staring at him too if you could move.

>"What?"

"Were you about to say you were already covered in STOMACH ACID!?"

>"Uhhhhhhhhhh-"

"I know you didn't get to finish your shower, that explains the soap, but- no, I don't even- OW!"

>>"Sorry!"

"-have a biting retort for that. Just, WHAT?"

>Spike waits an uncomfortably long time to respond.

>The girls don't know what to do. The movement of a shadow across your face suggests a "let's just do this?" shrug.

>"Spikey, darling, please. It would be helpful for us to know what you've been, eh, coated in, seeing as you were splayed out on Twilight. The doctors may need to-"

"DOCTORS!? NO! I-"

>"Apb apb, no buts, Twilight. We found you collapsed and covered in vomit after drinking... let's just say SOAP and spare all our sanity. That requires medical attention, I'm afraid."

>>"Hehe yeah, you look all dried out like a raisin. I'd suggest changing your name to Rum Raisin but that's a movie character and the owners are super duper litigious so maybe not."

>Oh

>Is it really that bad?

"But... the spaAUGH"

>They finally flop you over into the wagon.

>>Pinkie talks while she hooks up the harness. "Maybe let the digging ponies, or the fireponies, or the whatever third thing ponies, do their job huh?"

>Finally, movement

>Away from the pond of your embarrassment

>The little wheels click and clack and the houses drift by

>Wait

"Where's Rarity?"

>>"Huh? Oh, she was delivering extra needles and thread and fabric and stuff to the relief effort."

"Oh. That makes- wait, Spike, you never answered."

>"Answered what?"

"You know what."

>"hnnnnnng FINE itwasnapalm"

>Oh that-

"What?"

>"I knew you wouldn't understand!"

"You're right, I don't even know what that is!"

>"Anon taught me how to make it! Kerosone and ground up takeout containers makes artificial lava! Great for dragon baths!"

>

>

"So you just..... set yourself on fire while bathing in kerosene!?"

>"Mixed with bits of trash, yeah. Makes it super thick and sticky like lava!"

"Wh- WHY?"

>"I'm a dragon?"

>Yeah ok he's got you there

>And it's not like he could've possibly been unsafe with it, or the treebrary would've gone down instantly

>Still, something about it just-

>>"Is anypony else wondering why Green Bean knows how to make Minoan Fire?"

 

>>42860965

>"We're trottin'"

[spoiler]pinkie?[/spoiler]

>Pinkie was indeed trotting along one of Ponyville's suspiciously repetitive boulevards

>"And Twi's twitchin'!"

[spoiler]pinkie?[/spoiler]

>You were definitely twitching. Better than being dead from dehydration.

>"On the edge of my wagon, probly itchin'!"

"Pinkie!"

>"Yeah, Twi?" A baby blue eye peered back from her angled face.

"Could you maybe not sing about my medical emergency?"

>"Oh, sure! I thought you'd appreciate an ironic fun-poking at your predicament, but if you're not happy then I'm not happy so sorry!"

>Well

>That was nice and easy.

>Pinkie Pie is never in the middle, always zero or one hundred it seems.

>But that extreme personality is part of what makes her such a great friend!

>Friends..

>Your thoughts turn to the others, as houses and shops roll on by

>Anon definitely made it to the spa. You just know it.

>You doubt she's willfully involved- even though Pinkie DID say she-

>No. Anon has that strange kind of selfishness where it rolls back to being rather generous where it counts.

>Blowing up the spa on purpose means blowing up everypony's hot water, including her own.

>Plus that's just plain mean.

>She'll survive. Of everypony you know, she's the one you'd guess would worm her way out of Equestria's total destruction.

>"Just got that dog in me" she says. One of these days, you'll find out her origin, and thus the source of all these strange turns of phrase!

>But this time, it'll be her, that dog, and four or five of your friends. Sans Twilight.

>It hurts to trust her to do it alone, even when you know she-

>BINGO! That's the next letter to Celestia!

 

>The crisp outdoor air and sounds of faraway chaos turn to sterile indoor air and the constant low roar of medical personnel on duty

>Oh good, you're here!

>Spike and Pinkie are talking to the nurses.

>>"-Wouldn't let anypony through, not even- oh geez what happened to you, Twilight!?"

>Slowly, you turn your head towards the source of that sound. A blurry rainbow-

>Blurry?

"Rainbow Dash?"

>>"Oh dude, you sound worse than you look!"

"Long story... What are you doing here? Dropping off patients?"

>>"I wish! Some fancy-schmancy royal guard division has cordoned off the whole peeving spa! Won't let anypony through, especially 'element bearers. can't put you ladies at risk.'" She says the last part in what must be a mocking impression.

 

 

>Be Anon

"-right? I'm sure they're working on it already-"

>Trixie sneers and scoffs, but her voice is unsteady. "I-i-irrelevant! Trixie will not require help from Twilight Sparkle, nor her inner circle! Present company excluded."

>The crowd goes into yet another annoyed rabble. Snips mentions the Colt Cartographers' survival advice, "don't move you little bastard it makes you harder to find."

>Damn, either his scoutmaster is a real fucker or the CCs are more fun than you'd expect. Might wanna swipe a manual to check.

>You can't talk to them when they're like this. Walking over to the edge to clear your head, you notice-

"Hey- I think the water's rising!"

>The rabble changes wavelength to something confused- you point out the zig-zagging, haphazard cloud cliff you climbed.

>"She speaks the truth! That hoofhold Trixie punched- it's half underwater now!"

>Shit

"Why is it still rising? I don't think the building is sinking still!"

>"Uh, might have an idea about that-" Bulk Biceps flits out of the crowd and lands near you. "They made those poles to last- might still be moving water around, if enough of them are still standing."

>Facehoof

"Okay, but don't they just circulate it? Why is the total water in the room going up?"

>He scratches his head, an uncomfortable pause. Trixie starts to open her blue mouth but you stare it shut.

>"I dunno- look, all I know is massage and general maintenance. I whack patients, their backs get better. I whack the pipes, the water flows right." He pantomimes a punch on each 'whack.' "This kinda stuff is beyond me."

>You peer over the side. Sure enough, you can see the phosphor glow of a few poles down there.

"Trixie, give me a smoke bomb."

>>"Trixie is naked, you know this."

"I also know your cape has no pockets and you don't take your hat off to throw them. Got any hidden somewhere?"

>>"What are you implying!?"

>Snips pokes his head out of the crowd, "Oh my gosh is Trixie going to open her mare hole??"

>The crowd beats his head in before you can take a step. Can't blame the kid for being excited but come on.

>"Whaaat? I meant the magical hair hole every mare seems to store stuff in! Or did Pinkie Pie lie to me again?"

>The temporary distraction provides Trixie the opportunity to set some smoke bombs down next to you.

>Her face is cherry red.

>Pick them up with your magic, lest you be tempted to lick your hooves in front of everypony. You absolute gay disaster.

>"Woah, where were those hiding!?"

>>"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not reveal her secrets!"

>"But why do they smell funny? I can smell them from- OOF." A swift kick from Mooriel shuts him up.

>Trixie leans in, whispers "I also have a lockpick if necessary."

>Gross. Hot. Good to know.

>Unfortunately-

"Damn, I don't think this'll work. Thought maybe we could toss it down there, trace where the smoke gets carried, figure out where the water's coming from?"

>Trixie's looking smug.

>Genuine smug, not the facade of false confidence she usually wears.

>Much as you want to play along, this ain't the time.

"Alright, out with it."

 

>"Trixie knows how this could work. Examine the bombs."

>You feel them up with your horn and look close. Something in the orbs changes and the clouds try to roll out, stopped only by your firm magical grip.

"Mostly magical components- inked clouds trapped in.... uh...."

>Pawing at the glass orb while it's in your grasp, you notice it's almost squishy right now-

>"Semipermeable thaumaglass shell. Solid and brittle, but becomes a membrane when acted upon by magic fields. Great for making alchemical bombs, taking cloud samples, even filtering water if you modulate it just right."

>Okay, so you can modify them easily, but-

"What are you trying to make here?"

>"Trixie is making nothing. You are. If one had the dexterity and multi-contact control to, for instance, create a centrifuge-"

"...Pinkie uses common food dye, which got diluted in the bath bombs, and again in the explosion, but we could concentrate it out and make a dye pack!"

>Trixie's look of.... is that admiration?

>No way are you fucking this up

>>"Dye pack!? Dang it lady, we're trying to get out of here, not paint our hooves!"

"Bulk, you wanna take another swim?"

>He cowers immediately. "No, ma'am."

 

>Scrape some pink crap cloud off the top of the gunge gorge. Squeeze it in gently. Shake it up good and hot, then spin the inside to centrifuge the solids out.

>Which ends up as you staring at it with a headache while spinning multiple tops. Chunks of glitter ore and taffyglass insulation go in, raw alchemical fizz, pop, cotton and candy come out.

>Along with fine, hot pink dust, collected in a bowl Trixie expertly moves about.

>God it's like your brains are touching. Is horn sex a real thing? Not just some fanfic crap?

>She's blushing but you can't tell if it's just exhaustion or intimacy too.

>And it takes a while- the water's come up a head and a hand or so, but eventually-

"Voila! Dye pack!"

>Breaths on the back of your neck- turn around. The crowd was watching closely, apparently.

"What?"

 

>Snips stares up at you, slack-jawed.

>Well, slack-jaweder than usual. "Are you an alchemist?"

>The fuck?

"No? Why?"

>"Well, Cheerilee took us on a tour of the Canterlot potion workshop and the ponies there were using that centrifuge spell."

>Alright

>Take it easy, don't yell at the kid

"I didn't learn that spell from a book, I just bent my TK field all funny. Theirs is probably better- look, we gotta get outta here, don't distract me."

>He mutters, at a level he thinks is too low for you to hear. "Took them like a whole hour not 15 minutes-"

>A swivel of your ears shuts him up.

"Besides, it was Trixie's idea, I'm just the one with... really... bendy... magic? I guess?"

>>"MOOOOOOOOOve it already! Cut the book club and let's get out!"

"Alright, alright! Sheesh- just gonna add some glitter."

>You take some shiny from the pile of shiny extract, squeezing it in like the dye.

>For reflective purposes, not fashion.

>Ok, a little bit fashion, it looks great. Shame you have to toss it into an underground lake.

"Alright, unicorns, over to the edge. Shine a light as bright as you can. Bulk, Flitter, you can leave the platform so you're our best chance of catching where the dye goes-"

>Bulk actually salutes. You still have no fucking idea how he can bend his massive arms like that.

"Remember, trace the opposite direction, we need to find where the extra water is coming in from."

>You've only got one spare bombshell

>Gotta toss it in hard enough that it cracks, accurate enough that most of the dye cloud disperses between two of the poles.

>Don't want to toss it in, want to launch it in. Make a tube-

>Ow. Been casting a lot. Grab a pipe, it'll work almost as good, there's plenty of busted piping up here-

>There's one the bomb fits almost snugly, stuff a tiny bit of funcotton in, just to stop the bomb from rolling out while you aim.

>Don't trust your eyes, remember water bends light. Close em, try to aim towards the-

>>"MOOOO-"

"Mooriel, shut up, we only get two chances at this. I know, you can't swim, it's ok."

>Where were you?

>Right, close your eyes. The enchantment on the poles makes a subtle pull if you're looking for it.

>Fucking Star Wars shit.

>Grab the bomb, force it down the pipe as hard as you can-

>Bloop

>Sploosh

 

>For a moment it looked like you'd not only missed, but failed to break the damn thing

>All that hubbub over refraction and you forgot to account for the slowdown!

"Shit! Trixie, toss me the oth-"

>"Hold that thought!" Flitter calls from across the room, "I can see it!"

>You look where she's pointing, and yep-

>It took it a second or two, but it's spraying ink like a smoke grenade. This might be better than what you actually tried to do!

>You can see it getting carried off by an unnatural current, but stress and the now-murky water mean that's all you got.

>Hopefully, eyes designed for working with clouds will fare better.

"Flitter, go against the flow! Bulk, follow it!"

>He shoots you a questioning look, but they both do as you say.

>Flitter flies slow. Following an underwater river means you gotta take in every detail, and then some to do it in reverse? You wouldn't know but it's a safe guess.

>Bulk, on the other hand, has no issue tracking the pink and shiny inkblot.

>No, the issue with him is...

"Bulk, why are you flying in circles!?"

>"You said follow the ink, that's what I'm doing!"

>That doesn't make sense- how is the water rising if the circuits are still moving only in this room?

>Eventually they stop right over the same spot. "Uh, you got any water breathing spells?"

"If I had any, and could cast them without dying right now, we'd have swam outta here already! Why?"

>A nervous glance shared. They answer in unison, "Uh..?"

>Facehoof

"Out with it! Come on!"

>Bulk flies over to grab.... Snips!?

>"C'mere lil dude, got an idea," He affords you a quick glance, "Yeah I bet you wanna see it yourself but we kiiiiiiinda need you not wasting energy being a flashlight. Don't wmmphy Mph gfffm fln!"

>As he speaks, he grabs a very curved signal mirror out of an emergency box on the central pillar of the platform. You lean around to peek in, nope. No signal flares or explosives, just first aid supplies, matches and cordage.

>Honestly even that would be overkill for any spa not named The Ponyville Spa And Public Bathhouse, so you can't really blame them.

"What are- OH, you're gonna use him like a lighthouse! Yeah!"

>He nods enthusiastically. A very nervous and already airborne Snips cries out. "PlEaSe DoN't mAaAaKe HiM ShAaAaAkE!"

>"mmph bmd dood!"

>The new patented Snips Spotlight shines around what used to be the intermediate ring. The pink ink is roiling in a cloud, getting a little less vibrant with each passing moment.

"I'm not sure what...."

>Squint

"Wait. Oh fuck, that's a pole!"

>Yeah. Driven 90% into the ground like a fucking railroad spike.

>It could be pulling water up from the reservoir for all you know!

 

>Bulk glides back to the platform on his hilariously tiny wings

>"Uh, kid said he could hold his breath a super long time or something..."

>Snips? Useful? This will be interesting.

"....what?"

>Fatty starts bouncing side to side. No, he's not cute, bad uterus!

>"Yeah my mom said I was born with a cord around my neck and I wasn't breathing for like 5 minutes so I bet I could-"

>JESUS

>Even Trixie looks concerned now

>It's a miracle he has any brain cells left

"Uh, that's great, but it just ain't right to let a kid-"

>"Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnn it's not gonna be like the ursa thing! Speaking of which, I DID lead that thing into town without getting eaten so that's gotta count for something!"

>You're trying to think up an excuse to shut him up (and not have to explain to Twilight why a local special needs kid died on your watch) but Mooriel beats you to the punch.

>>"You stOOOOOOpid or what, calf? You got no brain cells to spare!"

>Crickets

>Why are there fucking crickets in the half-destroyed spa?

>Snips isn't even offended. Little dipshit probably thinks she means he's a genius who needs every part of his big brain.

>>"Heh... sorry, stress of being around all this deep water got to me...."

>Riiiiiiiight

>Mooriel's kind of a psycho sometimes. You should hang out more.

>Anyway

"Moving on.... I'm out of ideas. That buried pole must be pulling water up from the reservoir but I got no clue how to pry it out."

>Long silence.

>Hooves shuffling about awkwardly.

>Fuck.

>

>

>After about a minute, Trixie speaks up.

>"Perhaps the Pink One left a cache of dubiously legal objects in here? One that might contain something useful?"

>She gets close. Close enough for you to smell the mare smell on her.

>"You are able to spot her hiding places... perhaps you could sus out one of her party stashes?"

"Worth a try, I guess..."

>If you were a Pinkie Pie Partypalooza Dead Drop and Tax Haven, where would you be?

 

 

>Bulk comes up to you, as quiet as a roided up ungulate can

>Which isn't very, but still. Looking very guilty too.

"Alright man, what's up?"

>"So, uh, just remembered..."

>You turn the world 45 degrees clockwise

>"Pinkie miiiiiight have a scuba tank stashed somewhere..."

>

>

"And you're telling us now, because..?"

>His face gets redder, but he doesn't answer suspiciously fast or slow; "It was a couple years ago, alright? I forgot..."

>Something tells you there's about to be emotional damage. You're developing a sixth sense for this.

>Would've been nice EARLIER but ok.

>Almost automatically, you stand aside to let The Trix off the leash, but it's Mooriel's voice that reams his ass instead.

>>"He's hiding something! I knooOOOow the face of a rat!"

>"O-o-o-out with what!? I don't know where exact-"

>>"NooOOOOoo secrets! Unless you want the rescue crews to carry you out in a BUCKET!"

>

>Bulk NARROWLY succeeds at not pissing himself, but fails to not be a dumbass

>By that I mean he keeps stonewalling an angry, undersexed cougar of a cow

>A cowger!

>>"Trixie, tie him up! Gonna show him what me and the girls do to rodeo clowns!"

>Your blue roommate (bluemate) (get out of my monologue, Pinkie) shrugs in an offended manner, as if to say "my pussy is nowhere near used enough to hide a ROPE, as much as I might wish otherwise!"

>Fortunately, the meathead gets the bright idea to take off, before Mooriel can try charging

>Which would very likely end in her drowning

>"Geez, why is every mare, heifer and jenny bucking NUTS!?"

"C'mon dude, what are you hiding?"

>"Nothing! I-"

>Flitter lands next to you, softly. "The fuck's going on here? You need me to keep circling or-"

"You know where Pinkie's scuba gear might be?"

>Her face screws up real bad at that. Come to think of it, you've never seen the twins that angry before.

>She raises her voice to just below proper shouting, shooting Bulk an aside glance."That scuba tank better not be anywhere on the spa, the owners were VERY clear on that!"

>

>

>Perhaps noticing the higher-than-normal level of confusion on your face, she elaborates: "Pinkie wanted to be able to throw surprise parties in the whirlpool, but that meant being able to stay under for a long time. Aloe and Lotus told her to buck off with that..."

>Leaning back out, yelling in Bulk's direction- "AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF IT, RIGHT!?"

>

>

>She taps her hoof while Bulk stalls

>Tappa

>Whimper

>Tappa

>Whimper

>A raised eyebrow

>Trembling hooves covering his mouth

>A swish of a steel blue mane

>His façade cracks. "OKAY! OKAY I THOUGHT IF I SNUCK HER GEAR IN SHE'D DO A STRIPPER PARTY, MAYBE EVEN PUT OUT!"

>Holy shit you can actually see steam coming out of Flitter's ears

>If only Pinkie were here, she'd have an inexplicable tub of popcorn

>>"YOU WHAT!?"

>Damn, Flitter can fly fast. She is RIGHT up in his face now.

>"BABE IT WAS BEFORE WE WERE DATING!"

>>"WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS YOU SHITASS!"

>"BABE, YOU KNOW I-"

>Ear grabbed, dumbfuck husband being dragged down to earth now

>>"DON'T BABE ME! I DON'T CARE IF YOU FUCK OTHER MARES, IT'S PINKIE THAT'S THE PROBLEM! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT PUSSY HAS BEEN AND I DON'T WANT YOU BRINGING ITS WHERABOUTS HOME!"

>"PINKIE IS SUPER CLEAN! She takes health and safety way more serious than you'd think!"

>>"She's also AMISH and a ROCK FARMER!"

>"Applejack's a farmer and you never care if-"

>>"Yeah yeah everyone jokes about the Apples being inbred, even Applejack, but that family tree is more like a family forest! They're all over the bucking country, the inbreeding is in name only!"

>"What's the problem!? Pinkie is respectable! A town icon! I thought we agreed on a TRADITIONAL marriage- Pegasopolis style!"

>>"The PROBLEM is you'll dick down ANY mare in town but your own sister in law! When's Cloudchaser getting that fat dick, huh!?"

>"She scares the buck outta me and I go soft! Come onnnn!!!"

>

>

>The exchange goes on for a while. You don't know exactly because holy fucking shit.

>Eventually you're able to breathe again

>Trixie is red-faced and splayed out on the floor

>Mooriel has that look where you desperately need a smoke after sex or something

>Snips is just confused

>Davenport is... wait where the fuck-

>He gasps from somewhere to your right and downwards

>"Found the scuba tank! Heavy as an authentic Mexicolt stone bench, likely on account of it being made of metal and full of compressed air. gonna need one of you ladies to lighten the- what the fuck is so funny?"

 

>Afewminuteslater.french

 

"OOF!"

>HEAVE

"FUCK!"

>Various other terms of frustration!

>It takes a hot-ass minute, not helped by you effectively working half-blind and leaning over the platform at an awkward angle

>But that bitch gets topside and flopped as carefully onto the platform as you can manage

>Which isn't very.

>Still

>You have your Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus

>(That's not what it stands for!)

>PINKIE!

>(Silly Compartment of Unbreathed Air, duh! Cause it looks silly and has air that hasn't been breathed yet so you can breathe where you can't breathe!)

>Whatever!

>You now have enough underwater time to work at that thing!

>The water's covered about half the distance up to the platform, compared to how low it was when you climbed up

"Anyone got the time?"

>Bulk glances at a wristwatch. "Been bout an hour, give or take, including the couple minutes you were stunned in the water."

>A quizzical head cock gets "What?" in response

"That's- exactly what and why I was asking? How?"

>"Cuz why else would you be asking about the time right now? I'm not COMPLETELY dumb, you know- OW!"

>He's cut off by Flitter softly bopping his head.

 

>Trixie whispers in your ear, "Oh they're totally gonna hatefuck.... Think we could get in on that?"

>Mindbreak.exe

>You dare to stare at the cerulean mare

>The pony who has up until now been oscillating between a massive nuisance and closer-than-usual friend to you

>Friend, with no romantic action on either's part

>Just asked you if being the bread in a gymrat/cheerleader sandwich was cool

>Didn't even make out or watch each other jill off, nah she goes straight for casual group sex with a couple of really aggressive swingers

"You and me? With him? Or her?"

>"Yes."

>Well, you didn't immediately say no. So that's out in the open parts of your mind now.

>Play it off! Casual!

"You travel too much- you saw how she reacted to Pinkie. Flitter's scared of your exotic cunt."

>She barely stifles a laugh. "i'mactuallyavirgin"

>What.

>She notices your disbelief. "Wh- I totally could have, but silphium costs money and I didn't want to squeeze a bastard out on the road!"

>Sure

>Wait, that's actually believable-

>You're pretty sure Trixie is fairly attractive by pony standards. She's no Fluttershy, but still.

>A breath on the back of your ne- when did Davenport get there?

>Oh right

>>"Couldn't help but overhear you ladies...."

>Oh god no

>If you're taking dick it's gonna be from a meathead parody of masculinity while your face is buried in some shade of blue taco

>Plus, Bulk being a professional masseuse is kiiiiind of a turn-on.

>Certainly not the dad bod guy who runs the couch and stationery store!

"Heh, uh, bad idea to sleep with work contacts, y'know?"

>Christ, instant negative expression

>Of all the ponies to be THAT kind of guy, you never would've expected-

>>"Sweet Celestia, no! I took a vow of celibacy! I was wondering why the hell you're gossiping about dates right now! Let's go already!"

 

"Alright, who's going down? Bulk?"

>"Wh- why me? I thought we were cool!"

>For the love of Horse-oos Christ, who went to the glue factory for our sins

"What? You're the strongest, plus you have wings, don't they make it... easier... to... swim?"

>The offended stares from husband and wife suggest that, no, they don't

"Alright, guess it's my turn to apologize for accidental tribism or something. Sorry."

>Much murmuring and arguing ensues, creating a low roar of annoyance

>Various forms of "why can't you do it? it's your idea!" are levied at both you and Bulk

"Bulk's wings don't work so good underwater, in case you weren't listening, and as for me? I'm not that strong, physically speaking. Combine that with the shitass day I've had and I dunno if I could pump enough magic to unwedge that pole without making my eyes bleed."

>Davenport looks up from the pile of gear, setting aside the fishbowl helmet he was pawing at. "This thing..... I think the mask won't properly fit a non-unicorn... what!?" He double checks, pointing at the top of the mask/goggle setup. "Yep- on account of that horn... holster?"

>He rubs his chin. "Didn't you say this belonged to Pinkie Pie?"

>You can't decide which is worse:

>Pinkie somehow predicting this exact chain of events and leaving scuba gear for YOU specifically instead of just warning you not to bring those bath bombs

>Or Pinkie actually being a unicorn.

>Her mane IS pretty bushy, she could be hiding one for all you know.

>Wait

>Oh, you're retarded!

"I think that extra space is for her pet gator. He's usually hidden on top of her head."

>Several ponies are too eager to loudly agree with you. Seems they had the same fearspicions DAMMIT PINKIE

>(Teehee)

"Wait a second- why does it matter? it's a fishbowl helmet, you put it on your head and make sure it seals to the wetsuit. How is some extra forehead room gonna make it fail?"

>Davenport scrunches for a moment, but relents. "Specialist suits are made to order. Unicorn helmets I think have little switches you can hit with your magic; I assume they interface with your horn or something to monitor air and such. Earth pony suits usually have normal valves and buttons on a chest plate."

>He points at the distinctly smooth rubber wetsuit. "I'd go down there but I literally cannot operate this suit safely on account of not being able to work the controls."

>Okay

>Pinkie really IS a unicorn!?

>No, that's retarded, you'd know if she was cause she'd be learning new ways to be annoying from Twilight

>"Captain Gummy, prepare the Pinkiesub for deployment" you can imagine her saying. And then a little gator in a littler captain's hat crawls up to the buttons and hits them manually while Pinkie goes 'AWOOOGA! AWOOGA!"

>Yeah, that sounds like her.

>Fuck. Time to ask Trixie.

>>"N-n-n-no."

"But I-"

>>"Trixie has retained use of her ears."

>Fuck. She's actually shaking, but she's the only other unicorn here.

>No, Snips doesn't count. He's too tiny to fit the suit anyway.

"Scared of water?"

>>"Water's fine. Deep, dark water with a glass enclosure is the issue."

"The glass is what keeps you alive, and you have a light and the suit probably has fancy electric lamps."

>More shaking. You draw her into a hug and your teeth are chattering.

"You don't need to justify why you're scared, Trixie, but you're the only one strong enough to do anything down there AND able to work the suit."

>>"mmmgrmble"

"Come on, this is your chance to be like Hoofdini-"

>She pulls away, a look of betrayal flashing across her eyes. Just a moment, then she thinks better of it?

>>"Hoofdini died underwater!"

"Well- this isn't an escape artist trick, Trixie, it's-"

>>"Trixie witnessed personally!"

>Oh

>Ohhhh fuck

>You assumed Hoofdini died like a hundred years ago, same as Houdini.

>If she'd attended his last show-

>Yeah that'd fuck any kid up. Miracle she didn't give up on stage magic.

>Fuck

>FUCK!

>You trot over to Davenport and the gear.

>He glances up at you, hoofs you the helmet. "Did a stint with the coast guard as a salvager, in case you were wondering."

"I usually am, yeah. But celibacy? Was that-"

>A glare, a grimace, a mouth open to spit fire. You back up, lowering your head in what feels like a placating gesture

"I don't want to sleep with you! You're not my type! I'm not even 100% sure what-"

>"No- you're- ugh. Yes, I was serious about being celibate. Got exposed to some strange hot rocks in a flooded mine, doctor told me 'don't ever breed.' Happy? I also have to get regular cancer filtering, doc said whatever it was, and I quote, 'fucked my now and future bloodline beyond repair.'"

>Well.

"Shit.... I got nothing, that shit sucks dude."

>"Well, now you know, so don't go picking at that wound, alright? Now, I assume you're our diver?"

>Sigh

"I'm not sure I'm up to it, but Trixie... uh, had a bad experience. PTSD kinda bad."

>He sucks his lips in, in a mirthless smile. "Yeah... Alright then. I assume you have zero experience diving?"

"Ten-four."

>"What?"

"Correct."

>"Why di- whatever. Alright, put the helmet on without the suit or tanks. Reach out with your- don't look at me like that, I served in a mixed crew alright?"

>You nod and put the helmet over your head. Davenport starts to question your technique but thinks better of it.

>"Ahhh, you should feel a signal coming from that gem embedded in the top fore- just, I'm not 100% sure of what word you'd use, reach out to it?"

>He's right, that signal is there and it feels like ants in your horn. And now it feels like nothing.

>Why are you leaning on Davenport?

>"Anon! Wake up!"

"AAAAA whatwhowhereOWMYFUCKINGHORN"

 

 

>Try to trot away

>Why is the room flipping 90 degrees ohshitthat'stheedge

>Something tries to pull your ass off of... your ass's ass?

>"Woah there girlie, don't fall off the edge now!"

>Mooriel pulls on your rear while you climb...

>No, scrabble

>No, flail like a retard with all your legs

>Whatever works, though

>Your view is now obscured by a wall of cow on three sides

>She's got you under her like a baby

>"Alright there, flyboy, give her the shot!"

"What sh-OW!"

>Some kind of pneumatic injector gets rammed into your neck

>Hurts like a motherFUCKER but your thoughts and vision clear a bit

>Bulk taps his hoof in front of you, repeatedly. "You good? How many taps per pause?"

>Tap

>Tap

>Tap

>

>Ta-

"Three?"

>"Ok, good. Don't drink booze for the next 24 hours and don't cast anything more than.. uhh..."

>He squints at a little booklet, "telekinetic field with a mass/weight displacement of less than... uhhhhhhhhh five pounds or 10 cubic inches?"

 

"Fuck you mean "don't drink for 24 hours?"

>Bulk scratches the back of his head, laughing nervously

"Well?"

>"Uh-"

>You try to shake your hoof at him, but find you can't do that right now without tipping over

>Just retreat into loaf form

"Ugh... fuck, I'm dizzy.. Seriously, what was in that shit!?"

>Another voice

>Trixie?

>Seems like she's yelling at the gym rat, but you can't quite make it out.

>You do make out most of Bulk's response, though: "Davenport told me to grab the needle with wires sticking out of it, so that's what I did!"

>Squint

>You don't remember Davenport saying anything like that

>But he seems pretty honest

>Probably a bad liar, too

>Still, something- oh hi Trixie!

>Trixie's here!

>Your view of that flat-topped meathead has been replaced with premium blue belly!

>That's great, everything's fucking great

>Wait a second

>Trixie's a cerulean. Somewhere between sky blue and blue-blue.

>This is more of a navy blue.

>Come to think of it, Trixie isn't made of rubber, right?

>Oh, that's a hug

>Trixie has hugged you before, but not as often as would be optimal

>Woah, what time is it?

>You got up early today, maybe rest your eyes a bit

>...

 

 

>Be Trixie

>You're cool

>Everything's cool

>You laughed yourself breathless at the skank and gigolo air show, and got to amaze the crowd with your basic TK right afterwards

>In hindsight, that scuba kit was right out in the open, but only its owner or a trained salvager would've thought to look underneath that floor panel

>Yep

>Got ple-e-enty to take your mind off of your future tomb filling with water I mean whaaaaaaat

>Ha ha

>No, the day is starting to get to you

>Be strong, Trixie

>Don't let the rubes see your fear! Do something!

>You swivel your ears, looking for gossip or whatever. Anything to occupy your mind.

>The Fat One is still awestruck by your greatness. T'would be great if he'd leave you alone and stop reminding you of that time he nearly killed you!

>The couchmonger is checking the equipment you helped dredge up.

 

>Bulk and Flitter are off on the far side. Seems their fighting has turned to planning the make-up sex.

>Weren't they loudly yelling about their open marriage? Could be an opportunity.

>Anon's over there, too- Bulk is glancing at his watch, Flitter bops him on the head-

>Anon... The only pony who seems to actually care about you these days.

>Well, time to shoot your shot. Walk over there, bump her rump, whisper in her ear!

"Oh, they're totally gonna hatefuck. Think we could get in on that?"

>She gives you a blank stare in return. Shit! Be cool!

>"You and me? With him? Or her?"

"Yes."

>"You travel too much- you saw how she reacted to Pinkie. Flitter's scared of your exotic cunt."

>DAMMIT

>She's out of your league and she knows it, she's just too nice to say it!

>You can't just ask her out- she's technically your landlord, and you don't have any money for a date!

>No, your only hope is to get into an orgy and somehow impress her!

>

>

>Buck, you're stupid. So stupid that you start laughing at your stupid thoughts-

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAi'mactuallyavirgin-"

>Smooth. Smoother than your brain, even.

>She's staring in shock. Damage control, NOW!

"I totally COULD have gotten laid, y'know, but silphium costs money! Don't want to be squeezing a bastard out on the road, y'know?"

>Uh huh.

>You fucked that up, you just know it, but thankfully the couchmonger approaches to save you from this humiliating conversation!

>>"Couldn't help but overhear you ladies-"

>"Heh, uh, bad idea to sleep with work contacts, y'know?"

>Damn

>You practically leave a lit runway to your marehood and she shoots you down, even when she's so horny she thinks the celibate guy wants to fuck.

>That's ok. A friend is still a nice thing to have, even if you'll forever wonder if you could've been more.

 

>Davenport reacts about how you'd expect.

>>"-took a vow of celibacy! I was wondering why the hell you're gossiping about dates right now!"

>Funny how Anon doesn't know that about him, but you do

>Huh, he used that 'hell' word Anon uses a lot

>You suppose he and Anon have a working relationship, plus ponies often mimic each other in subtle ways. Herd psychology and all that.

>...but if he's close enough to her to do that, why does she not know- nevermind

>In all fairness, you basically offered to sleep with him the night you rolled into town. Anon is neither that desperate nor that blunt, so it's entirely understandable that she'd not have been informed.

>Well, that thought has run its course. Shall we persue another, or contemplate mortality?

>Ah, Anon is asking around about dive volunteers. This should be distracting for a while.

>Swivel your ears for more scuttlebutt!

>Pinkie Pie bought a unicorn scuba helmet? Sure.

>Pinkie Pie did it so her gator could ride in the extra headroom? Possibly the least unhinged idea she's ever had.

"YEP, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE PINK MENACE ALRIGHT!"

>A chorus of other beings agrees with you. Suspicious? Possibly-

>Wait.

>Unicorn helmet.

>You, Snips and Anon are the only unicorns here. Anon's strength has been flagging, and the hayburger orb child is too short to wear the suit properly

>Oh no

>You?

>Stuck underwater?

>With a glass bowl separating you from drowning?

>Contemplating mortality it is, then!

>Force your way to the center, as far from the water as you can!

>Pass Anon, who is about to ask if you can-

"N-n-n-no."

>"But I-" (haven't even said anything, you assume was her intended statement?)

"Trixie has retained use of her ears."

>Settle down right there, next to the large and sturdy bovine female.

>Ignore how your teeth are chattering IT'S THE ROOM NOT YOU OK?

 

>BUCK

>TRAPPED IN A CONCRETE TOMB

>BUCK

>WATER'S RISING

>BUCK

>JUST LIKE HOOFDINI BUT AT LEAST HOOFDINI LEFT A LASTING IMPRESSION ON THE CROWD

>BUCK

>WILL YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT MUCH?

>BUCK

>THIS PHILISTINE TOWN HATES YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE ART

>BUCK

>Ignore how nopony has been accosting you save that idiot busybody! It's panic attack time!

>BUCK

>BU-

>(There is rather a lot of this)

 

 

 

>You're not 100% sure what happened next

>Anon followed you, talked to you

>She tried to psych you up

>First with rational explanations

>Then with genuine, though ill-advised, comparisons to your idol

>It all kinda went in one ear, out the other

>Then she left

>She's over there, on the edge, to your left

>Talking to Davenport, inspecting the gear

>And

>You're just sitting here, rocking back and forth

>Pathetic, aren't you?

 

>Anon is a great friend

>Despite how exhausted she must be from this absolute disaster of a day, she volunteers without a second thought?

>Heh

>Maybe things will be alright

>Anon will stop the water, then we'll have all the time in the world to wait for rescue

>Feels like it's been at least an hour- rescue could get here before the water reaches your hooves anyway!

>You'll be in your own bed by tonight-

>Well, considering the tie-dye filth on your fur, maybe sleeping on your own floor is a better idea

>But it'll all work out, that's the imp-

>"OWMYFUCKINGHORN!"

 

>Ice in your veins, snaps you out of your funk

>The source of the noise: Anon

>Anon is in a blind daze, stumbling about, right on the edge-NO

>Your horn glows as you reach out to reel her in. Bad angle, heavy mare, panic mode!

>It's not enough, but it buys time for your bovine pillow to get up and run

>Mooriel grabs Anon's tail, muttering some no-doubt adorable Whinnyapolisism you can't quite make out from this distance

>With a bit of effort, she drags a green sack of flailing limbs back to the center and parks it under her barrel

>Phew

 

>A minute or so passes

>Anon seems half-asleep. She keeps looking around with an unsteady head; you're not sure how much she's actually *seeing* right now.

>She's frothing at the mouth a little

>Her face twitches rather harshly-

>Wait

>Her horn is smoking. Did it spark a little when her face seized up?

>Yes it d- that's a red tear. That's blood out her eyes-

>Intermittent consciousness, seizures, involuntary gathering of Power, crying blood

>Oh buck, you recognize this. Thaumic burn- she's exhausted to the point that her horn is quite literally burning fat reserves directly, and destroying membrane tissue in the process.

>She'll cripple or kill herself if this isn't dealt with

>There was a first aid kit on the wall, wasn't there?

>Yes!

>You rip the box off its mounting, and you don't treat the box or its lid much better

>Frantically tossing aside packets of dewormers, splints, bandages, OTC painkillers that don't do shit-

>No no no

"Comeoncomeoncomeon even the cheapo premades have one!"

>There!

>At the very bottom, beneath a packet of colloidal silver leaflet, your prize:

>A pneumatic hypodermic, filled with a bright red solution. Flecks of blue and streaks of silver float within.

>Every unicorn in Celestia's school is informed of these. Shake it up, then pull the tab out of the base to "arm" it.

>"Alright there, flyboy, give her the shot-" Mooriel calls out. "-Oh, it's you. Thought Bulk was handling the first aid."

 

 

>Hypo in tow, you dive at Anon, tackle her to the ground and put her in a headlock

>Might be a bit much, but the less she can struggle the faster you can ram this thing into her chest

>The needle is driven home with a soft hiss.

>For a few seconds, she keeps wiggling in your grasp and breathing like a salt fiend, but she calms down and splays out soon enough

>Breathing steadies

>Horn stops smoking

>Her eyes and nose are running like a snowball in Neigh Orleans, but at least it's not red now

>Okay

>Crisis: confronted, successfully

>Gently pull the hypo out, toss it aside

>Release the breath you didn't realize you were holding

>"Trixie."

>Two minutes

>The scariest two minutes of your life-

>"Trixie?"

>(Or not. This time you didn't watch your favorite pony die.)

 

>And now?

>Now you have to--

>"TRIXIE!"

"Gah!"

>You're snapped out of your thoughts by Davenport, standing over you.

>He nods his head towards the wetsuit draped over his back. "Anon said you had PTSD or something, but now you're the only one who can use this stuff."

>You try to say something, but all that comes out of your trembling mouth is murmurs.

>"Look, we have...eh, *some* time to spare, come over here and we can talk." He puts a hoof on your shoulder, "I'm not asking you to jump down there right now."

>Might as well

>You start to follow him to the edge, slowly, lingering to check on your green goblin

>Anon's stable, as much as you can tell at least. Mooriel will surely keep an eye on her-

"Say, Mooriel?"

>>"Yes?"

"...How did you know she needed a shot?"

>>She pauses just a little too long. "Whatever doOOo yoou mean?"

"You assumed it was Bulk coming over with meds- fair enough, he works here. But how did you know she needed a shot? That's specialized knowledge even for uni-"

>>"Don't worry about it."

>Fair enough

>You didn't care that much, anyway

>A male voice from a few pony-lengths away. "Hey, what's the hold up?"

>Right

>Off to talk to Davenport

 

>"Right, well-"

"Just show me how to put it on."

>He blinks at you. "..You sure?"

>Sigh

"Trixie needs the water to stop rising, same as everypony else."

>He gives you the eyebrow raise. Sees right through the act, you're sure of it. "Listen, we've got another half hour, minimum, before our hooves even get wet-"

"Trixie already contemplated this- she does not trust those glittering buffoons to organize a bake sale, let alone a timely rescue."

>A facade breaks. Something in his eyes or mouth, just for a moment. He's thinking 'Damn, I was hoping I was the only one worried.'

>"Yeah, sure. Well, not much to tell- just put it on-" he shrugs, letting the suit drop at your hooves- "let me know if you need help. Then see me about the helmet."

>You struggle with the tight rubber, but there's no special trick to getting it on right. Just time and pulling and grunting.

>The neck and leg holes fit well enough, but the belly feels too roomy- hopefully the helmet triggers some kind of one-size-fits-all spell.

 

>Okay

>Bodyglove: on

>Little hoofycup gloves: on

>Tail compartment: fitted, with Davenport's help

>Helmet: Not on yet

>Perhaps your hesitation is too obvious, as he asks again: "You sure you don't need to- aw shit!"

>>He's interrupted by Anon crying out, in a heavily slurred voice. "Whatsh-OW"

>Your vision snaps to the source of the noise. Bulk Biceps is- why is he stabbing her in the neck with that empty hypo!?

>You storm off towards him, as he reads from a little first aid hoofbook and taps a simple pattern on the ground.

>As you approach, you hear Anon saying something about not drinking. She's barely even able to keep her head off the ground.

>It takes a herculean effort to not grind your teeth into dust. You're so pissed off you could probably shatter your hoofboots if you stomped as hard as you wanted.

"BULK? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

>You don't wait for an answer, and you don't waste magic. As suddenly as he heard your voice, he finds himself dragged off by his tail in your teeth.

>"OW- WHAT THE-BUCK- HELL, TRIXIE!?"

>Bulk tries taking off. You let him, if only so he can make enough rope to hang himself. Tail still in your teeth, you whip your neck back and slam him into the ground before he can pick up enough speed to start dragging you.

>"HOLY SHIT WHY"

>Perk your ears leftward. Wingbeats. Rustling. A pegasus has taken off.

>Leap onto his back! Pin his wings down! Only then may he recieve answers!

>"Hnng- what- I can't- how the buck are you this strong!?"

>You pause, just long enough to be really uncomfortable, then lean in real close and whisper.

"Whoever taught you first aid needs to be in PRISON."

>He's trembling now. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Flitter start to dive at you with a scrunch and a snarl. You return the expression and lower your head as you lock your legs, basically wrapping yourself around Bulk to use as a brace.

>"whyboner!"

>Rustling feathers and a gust of wind on your head tell you she correctly deduced you weren't bluffing, and were in fact prepared to break your neck goring her.

>Something reaches your ears, over the roaring and ringing of blood pumping. Something like "sweetcelestiayou'rebuckingcrazy."

>Get off him, roll him over, ignore that thing sticking out underneath. Use this opportunity to sweep the area; Mooriel is blocking Snips's movement, the others are unsure if they should charge.

>Speak up, let them hear this.

"You try to roll over, take off? I'll pummel you, got it?"

>A nod

"Answer me: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ANON?"

>"NO!"

"Then what the fuck were you doing!?"

>"Davenport told me to grab the needle with wires sticking out of it, so that's what I did!"

>You glare towards Davenport's last known location. He's rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sorry, I ran to get him when you ran to Anon. Guess I should've told him to stand down?"

>Sigh

>Alright, get off him. Roll him over, spare what shred of dignity theoretically remains.

 

"For future reference, you don't put those long needles into somepony's neck. You're more likely to slit their throat than save them. They're supposed to be stuck between the ribs to get at their heart."

>He cringes, but you continue.

"Number two, that specific hypo is like 80% sedative. Because that's the number one emergency treatment for a thaumic burn loop. Waking her up to test her cognition is near the bottom of the list of 'things you should be doing.'"

>You get a cocked head and a "huh?" in response

"UGH- right, not even every unicorn knows what that is. Tis not fair to expect it of you. The Great and Powerful Trixie has had an extensive formal education, but she can attempt to-"

>"So make with the attempt already!"

"-ugh. You know how baby unicorns can teleport and lift dozens of times their own weight? That's because unicorn horns have a sort of... secondary brain? Basically, you're born with 'teleport' 95% casted at all times. That way, when your young and vulnerable body builds up too much energy, it can shunt into your horn, finish that spell and bleed it off instead of letting you cook yourself."

>"Yeah, okay, pegasi do that too. Well, I mean we fly way better until we forget how, anyway what's this got to do with Anon?"

"Because that volatility goes both ways- too little magic and your body starts to panic. Not normally a problem, unless you're starving, or... uh, wearing a rut in your horn?"

>Of course, he's suppressing a snicker at "rut"

>Snips gives him an even more questioning look than nor- wait when did he get over here? No matter.

"Not that kind of rut. That information storage in your horn, it gets blanked out, you lose that reflexive teleport cast after your body learns to manage its energy. But the tissue is still usable, it can be trained. It often gets overwritten with parameters that help a unicorn with a cutie mark specific spell- that's not the only spell a unicorn can cast, it's just the only one that's as easy as sparking a light or grabbing something."

>"Still not seeing what this has to do with Anon."

>Sigh

"Trixie is highly stressed and is giving an impromptu lecture to divert her train of thought! That is NOT the same as Twat Spackle, who gives lectures purely for the love of her own voice!"

>Deep breaths.

>Deep, ragged, animalistic breaths.

>Somewhere, the implausible sound of a cricket

"Ahem. Moving on. It's possible for a spellcaster to overexert themselves in such a way that partitions some horn meat into trying to complete a too-difficult spell. Kind of like hyperventilating? I think? A negative feedback loop that drains energy, then demands more, then demands more be created, wreaking utter havoc on the body."

>"Havoc, like-?"

"'Literally burning your own fat. LITERALLY.' Celestia's own words."

>>Snips glances at Anon. Or winces, rather. "Is that why ancient unicorns were so demanding about moving the sun around?"

>You blink.

"...Yes? In fact that was an ancient history lesson, it just happened to segue into a medical tangent. An astute observation!"

>>"Woohoo! I got it right! Take that, Cheerilee!"

>Yep. Kid nearly wrecked your life and you're still willing to drink the adoration. Attention whore.

>"Still not-"

"It's rare, but it happens, especially with complex spells, or cheap scrolls-"

>You know Anon doesn't cast traditional spells

"-Or with faulty scanning, diagnostic, or control systems. Like, say, a discount scuba helmet bought on a whim by an earth pony of uncertain abilities..."

>You glance over at Davenport, still waiting just within earshot by the platform's edge. Scowling and tapping his hoof impatiently.

>His ears flick, his brow softens as he processes what you said. Now he's looking a bit guilty and unsure.

>Snips, too. Like he's torn between encouraging you or begging you not to go.

"I'll be fine. Unlike Anon, I'm relatively fresh, and I have the training to recognize these fail states well in advance. Just give me a moment more."

>Heh, you could almost believe your own confidence

>Alright, the kid beaming at you helps, and you did beat the shit out of a gym rat with your bare hooves. Well, not bare- but, nevermind!

>You walk, not trot, over to Anon. She's cognizant enough to observe your approach, even smile at you, but she's still babbling and wobbling.

>Gently, carefully, you hug her without pulling anything, putting you close enough to whisper.

"I'm sorry I chickened out and almost killed you. I uh- Remember when you asked if I was scared? In the sauna?"

>No response. You have no way of knowing if she's registering anything-

>(Or ever will)

"M'not scared of water itself, but it does make me nervous sometimes. You were half right.."

>She might wake up in the next 5 minutes. She might need a doctor.

>Hell, she could wake up and put herself in the hole again right after

"Trix- I... I can't stand to be trapped. If I know I can't leave a situation, I just start remembering his face right before-"

 

>Neigh Orleans, about 15 years ago

>The famous Hoofdini's last show of the season!

>Your mother scraped by for weeks to afford these tickets. Front row, center!

>The final act!

>The chains are wrapped, and locked!

>He's lowered into the tank! The assistants rotate the whole assembly, letting you see there's no trick doors or air holes!

>He takes a deep breath, the last bit of air is filled with water, and the tank seals with a thunk!

>'he's not really in danger-' you whisper to your mother. "-as soon as those lead chains are off, he can cast water breathing, but we're supposed to pretend we-"

>Something's wrong

>He should've had the chains off by now

>Nah. He loves messing with his audience, pretending to-

>His eyes. This isn't pretend.

>Struggling. Panicking. You point, try to shout for help, but you can barely squeak

>Bubbles. Groans loud enough for the assistants to hear. Tripping over themselves trying to take the tank apart.

>Your mother screams, but you barely hear it

>One burly fellow charges with a fire axe, another with a chisel

>Hoofdini's movements get more jerky, erratic... slower

>Bulging eyes staring right into yours

>His eyes

>EYES

>E-

 

>fuckfuckfckNOPE

>Deep breath

"I'll get this done, okay? You'll be alright."

 

 

 

 

>Lingering in the hug for perhaps a bit too long, you pull away and trot over to the edge.

>Mooriel and Bulk stayed at the center, keeping an eye on Anon.

>You're loathe to trust Bulk, but he *does* have at least some formal training; just because they never taught him how to use a cardio injector doesn't mean he can't be trusted to monitor a sedated patient.

>...Right?

>Bah. Mooriel will pick up the slack. She has more competence in her arthritic leg than most ponies do in their whole body, you can just tell.

>And so, in a few moments, you find yourself once again at the edge of the platform, along with Snips, Davenport, and Ms. Derby Shore.

>Snips has that improvised spotlight still tied to his head, bouncing with excitement at the prospect of helping The Great and Powerful Trixie actually save the day.

>You know that because HE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT-

>"Hey, are you SURE you couldn't fight an ursa minor? Cuz you beat the snot out of Bulk and he's-"

>Deep breath. He's actually a good kid. Stupider than a Neighlin bureaucrat, but with a good heart beneath the massive incompetence.

>(Try telling that to Flitter, who quite obviously would rather he stop interrupting her attempts to tie a safety harness between them.)

"No. But- Trixie DID fight a bear once- a normal-sized bear, one which tried to steal her sandwich."

>His eyes widen, from dinner plate to serving tray

"Bopped it right on the nose, grabbed my remaining 3/4ths of a po'boy and hoofed it. That incident may or may not have been adapted into the Ursa Minor Story..."

>Snips goes screw-eyed for a moment, before looking up at you with a raised eyebrow. "So... you lied, but only.. mostly?"

>Heh.

>You clap him on the shoulder, look him in the eyes.

"That's showbiz, kid. The best stories are the ones that have a little truth to them, but not enough truth to spoil the fun."

>Wow. Look at you, all deep.

>You stole that line from a Hoofdini interview, but it's not like you could put it better than he did.

>Flitter mouths a silent 'thank you' as she finishes with her cordage; Snips is lost in thought for a moment.

>"When you do this one, you should make it about pirates!"

>Huh. That would be pretty cool.

 

>>"Alright, bluey. Over here for final pre-dive checks." Davenport calls you over to the edge, with an unmistakable military edge to his voice. He's sitting on a pile of miscellaneous hardware and a carpet of manuals splayed out, likely included in Pinkie's stash.

"Final? We've hardly done one!"

>>"Aye, on account of losing one diver and a whole lotta time-" he motions towards the water, which is now right on the border of being alarmingly high. "I already triple-checked the seals on the suit, and the gasket in the neck ring. Everything else? We gotta put it together and power on."

>>He turns back to the pile, grabbing two metal cylinders with a few grunts and mumbled-through-teeth swears. "Hold still while I attach the tanks. Widen your stance, they're heavier than they look."

>As soon as you'd done so, a massive, bulky object is flopped onto your back. It's fine. You've got this, you've carried heavier crates, ones that might explode if dropped.

>>"Good?" You nod, perhaps a bit more uncertainly than intended- "Don't worry, they'll be much lighter in the water. Now, this isn't just a scuba suit- it's a full, sealed hardsuit. ARMORED-"

>Your facade cracked at the idea of being sealed inside, prompting extra emphasis on 'armored.'

>You're fine- no you'rebuckingnot

>The Great and Powerful TRIXIE is fine! Gonna save the sexy baron from the pirate trap, AND make off with the captain's daughter!

>Too much? Too much. You'll shop it, you've got plenty of time til you can even consider doing another show.

>>"-Aw, Sun only knows why Pinkie Pie thought she needed a deep ocean rig to play tiddlywinks in the pool, but her weirdness is our benefit, right? You technically won't even be IN the water, this thing is like halfway to being a submarine! Neat, huh?"

>Hold up

"That can't be true- Trixie is just wearing a wetsuit?"

>>Davenport grins. "Sure, when it's unpowered. I've seen these things in action before, y'know."

>You could think of a dozen ways to insult him, but a simple head cock and noncommittal grunt is a much safer idea.

>>"Hey- who was it who was giving a little lesson on thauma-sensitive materials? Did you forget those exist?"

>'Forget' is a strong word, but it had momentarily slipped your mind, yes.

"That just makes Panko Po's purchase even MORE absurd!"

>>"Ayup. Probably why she never used it- or maybe that pet gator is more than he seems? In any case, it only needs a startup charge from you- then the batteries take over. Technically these ain't even air tanks, they're batteries and filter systems stuffed into an air tank shaped-"

>Not air

>NOT AIR

>A firm grip squeezing your pastern. Open your eyes (when did you close them?)

>>"Easy, Trixie. They do have 10 minutes of emergency air, and some other- look, put the helmet on so we can check this stuff already-" He gestures towards the helmet on the ground. "Make sure you grab it with your hooves- after Anon's incident, we don't want any chance of turning it on without the suit, right?"

 

>Okay. Everyone's been calling it a fishbowl, but what you're looking at reminds you more of a jar or a wide-bottomed flask. Plenty of room to move your entire head around in, with odd bulges and protrusions clearly meant to account for the user having a horn.

>Deep breath. Sit on your haunches, stick your tail out, get as stable as you can get. Reach forward, touch it. The helmet is as smooth as you'd expect a glassy bubble to be.

>Flex your grip. It sticks easily, too easily- unless it were made of some special kind of thaumaglass.

>Raise it up. It's heavy. Reassuringly heavy, but not so heavy that you fear putting it on your head and shoulders.

>Deep breath. Carefully, guide it down. Get the threads of the glass lined up with the metal collar on the suit.

>>"Good, screw it down tight-" You note it isn't any harder to hear him right now- "It's designed to only face forward if it's fully locked, so just keep twisting until-"

>A meaty click. Not so heavy as to count as a thunk, but heavier than a normal click would be.

"Okay, help me turn it on before I start suf- HORSEAPPLES! TRIXIE FEELS FRESH AIR! IT'S HOLED! IT-"

>>"Woah, woah, woah, calm down." Davenport puts a slightly damp piece of paper right where the air is coming from, in front of your mouth. Something possesses you to snoot boop it-

>Solid glass. Air still flowing a little- completely dry, despite the visibly damp page. An ex-sailor laughing as you did exactly like he figured you would.

>>"Gotcha." He whistles, in that way dads do when they see a fancy stagecoach. "Backup filter: water-sealed and functional, okay!"

>You take a moment to make certain you aren't going to suffocate while the power is off, ending with a deep breath. Steady yourself, just breathe.

"What exactly does that mean, for me, the laymare, right now?"

>>A flash of confusion, a slight pause. "Wh- OH! Right, sorry-" he says with a start. "Basically it can filter breathable gasses out of water. That's technically what it already does, but this is a mechanical backup if the battery dies. It only lets stuff ponies can breathe in, and only lets spent air out. Won't save you if there's *no* O2 anywhere to be found, but that's not a problem when you're swimming in 1/3 oxygen."

>Manual Filter.

>Suit dies. Trixie no die.

>Trixie like.

>Trixie walk a little taller, without quite realizing it.

"I assume it's going to be much more difficult to breathe through the helmet alone, though?"

>>He nods. "Yep, on account of having to.. uh, sieve? You'd be using your lungs to force water through a molecular sieve, it's NOT easy. More of a buy-you-time-to-be-rescued thing than a keep-going thing. Basically every kind of breathing kit has one- if you end up using it, do NOT use your magic to cycle it."

"Trixie is liking this SIGNIFICANTLY less, now."

>>"It'll be fine- you save your magic to attempt restarting, use your hooves to keep pressing water into that filter. Remember, Flitter and the squirt will be watching, as much to look out for your safety as to point stuff out."

>He grabs a thick, long bundle of bungee cords with a big hook on the end- why is the hook painted like a candy cane?

>(teeheeyouknowwhy)

>>"Yeah, that's right- we DO have a way to lower you in, and pull you out. Our lookouts see you shoveling water at your mouth, they come and drop the hook as close to you as they can. There's a handle riiiight here for just that occasion-" He taps on a metal protrusion right below the back of your neck.

"And these things will hold?"

>>"Assumed risk, Trixie. I've worked with this stuff professionally, I can say the hook is definitely good enough, the cords? They should, but we'll see. Was planning on using them to lower you in- if they break, the water will slow your fall and we can immediately start working on a plan B."

>HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HOLY BUCK WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO YOU

>>"Easy, girl. Remember, unless this suit was made in a Stalliongrad sweatshop, it'll have at least 10 minutes worth of air. How do you connect the air supply? Dunno. The unicorn on my old ship had to let the suit talk to him to figure that out, hint hint."

 

>Talk to him?

>As in, a bucking golem or grimoire!?

"Seriously? This sounds like it costs more than whatever ship you served on. Where did Pinkie GET this!?"

>Flitter calls out from her spot, a few strides away- "That's what I'm saying! That mare is bucking WEIRD! And not just in the 'oh that silly Pinkie Pie' way, I mean WEIRD-weird!"

>Your impromptu herd shares a good-natured, desperate, kind-of-forced chuckle.

>>An authoritative voice cuts through the air. "Ah, yeah, first off- step away from the edge. No repeat incidents."

>You gladly comply, making sure there's enough room to stop you from flopping into the drink.

>>"So- initial startup. I'm not a unicorn (obviously), so forgive any laypony terminology- feel out for that gem embedded up there-" His eyes follow your magic sparkle, "Yeah right there, now uh... open your mind? Fall out of yourself? I have no idea what the fancy edu-"

>Attune. The technical term is 'attune,' though it can feel like falling every which way at once-

>>"And make sure you brace yourself! Uh- I'm gonna shut up and let you work. Just- be careful!"

>He's right. Take it slow. Time is running out, yet time still remains.

>It won't matter once you stop the inflow. Perhaps you could even explore further, make a way out-

>Woah, one thing at a time. Breathe in, count to four, breathe out, count to four.

>The simple exercise clears your mind. You don't know if you can do this, but you have to, so-

>So, you're gonna. Simple as that.

>Let your magical locus rest upon the gem. Breathe, 2, 3, 4.

>You grunt as you feel the dormant enchantments spark to life. Your stance falters as the initial charge is drained from you. Your legs, your eyelids, your mouth twitch from the ephemeral energy coursing through you, up, out of your horn, along invisible circuits you can sense only as echoes.

>The room fades to shadow, your ears start to ring. Your nerves maintain enough presence to inform you of something sturdy and furry bracing against you.

>Echoes. Far away voice, male, shouting but muddied as if through thick walls.

>And as sudden as it began, it ends.

 

>Your senses clear and sharpen.

>Davenport is bracing your side, shouting at you in your left ear.

"I'm good! I'm good. I can feel it coming online."

>The shouting stops, but he keeps a hold on you. Movement in the corner of your eye- Bulk, breathing ragged from a sprint, hovering just off the edge with his forelegs outstretched.

"Alright- I'm getting- yes, we have attunement. Just let me-"

>Fuzz in your mind's eye. The cloud of raw information beamed along corridors only those of your tribe can sense.

>Remember what the royal artificer taught you. Let it wash over you, then find the pattern, let it exist inside your mind.

>You listen for the song of this creation. It answers.

>Ethereal mechanisms become Known to you. A dizzying array of dials, levers, pull-cords, knobs and valves. None of them exist outside the shared dreamspace between you and this machine.

>The conductor directs a dance of voice and symbols across your imagination. The engineer begins their report:

 

>ONMYO CIRCUITS INITIALIZE

>OPERATING SPELLOGRAMS COALESCING:

>CLOVER.CONSTRUCT - NETWORKED ENCHANTMENT-PANOPLY MANAGEMENT DAEMON

>ONLINE. HELLO MASTER.

 

>INITIAL DIAGNOSTICS COMMENCE:

>UNITNAME: STYGIAN-CLASS HAZARDOUS ENVIRONMENT ARMOR

>REGISTERED OWNER: EQUESTRIAN GEOLOGICAL COLLEGE, LEASED TO STUDENT: 'MAUDILEENA PIE'

"Wait, who's Maud!? If she's also an Earth Pony, that makes even less sense than Pinkie!"

>SERIAL NUMBER: N/A

"Uh oh-"

>ERROR. CANNOT RECONCILE WITH ESTABLISHED LAWS; ATTEMPTING TO ELUCIDATE

"Ohhh shit-"

>>REASON LISTED: LAWFUL SALVAGE UNDER SISTERLY HEARTHSWARMING ACCORDS

>>>REGISTERED OWNER: WHOEVER IS WEARING IT, SILLY

>ERROR RESOLVED. DIAGNOSTICS CONTINUE:

"What the buck? The suit just screamed that it was stolen, then shrugged and went 'whatever'!?"

 

>HELMET COMPONENT: STYGIAN-CLASS + CLOVER.OS, SYSYEMS FUNCTIONAL, NO FAILURES DETECTED

>SUIT COMPONENT: STANDARD, STYGIAN-CLASS DEFAULT, NO FAILURES DETECTED/ONE ANOMALY: WARNING: LACE PANTIES NOT STANDARD ISSUE.

"LACE PANTIES!? I thought something was bunching up, but LACE PANTIES!?"

>Bulk signs his immigration papers for the couch- "Aw dammit, she WAS gonna do a stripper- OW OW OW OW OW I'M SORRY"

>BACKPACK COMPONENT: STANDARD, MULTIPURPOSE COMPARTMENTALIZED MACHINE PACK

>>MAIN POWER: MICRO-FUSION THAUMAGNETIC DYNAMO.

>>>OUTPUT: 80kT/sec. NOMINAL. PRAISE THE SUN.

>>CAPACITORS: TWO BIG DURACELL BATTERIES.

>>>STORAGE: 900kT. FULLY CHARGED. NOMINAL.

 

"Huh, one would've expected this kind of hardware to have something crazier than an ordinary portal to the sun powering it..."

>Even through the haze of quasi-hallucinated magical readouts, you can feel every eye in the room staring at you. Davenport starts to say something, thinks better of it, and sits down with that "everything is a lie" kind of look. Reminds you of when they changed your favorite sandwich shop from imitation krab to real crab. Eugh.

>Whatever, drama queen. It's just a little magnetic turbine driven by high energy cosmic gas flowing from one portal into another.

>Fucking provincials.

 

 

>STRUCTURAL SYSTEMS: TESTING.

>Telekinetic fields ripple across the suit, tickling your tumtum and twiddling your tail ohfuckpinkieisinyourheadAAAAAAAA

>SEALS:

>>NECK: GOOD

>>LEGS: GOOD/GOOD/GOOD/GOOD

>>TAIL: GOOD

>SUIT INTEGRITY: NOMINAL

>SHIELD EMITTERS: NOMINAL

>Something in the suit's fibers goes solid, and the weight on your back eases significantly. It's carrying its own weight now.

>SERVOS: NOMINAL. BRACES: NOMINAL.

>THAUMOSKELETAL ASSIST: NOMINAL.

>STRUCTURAL SYSTEMS: NOMINAL.

>ADDENDA: USER CANNOT ESCAPE THE PARTY TRAIN INDEFINITELY. CHOO. CHOO.

 

>LIFE SUPPORT:

>>MOLECULAR SIEVES PRESENT IN BACKPACK + HELMET. NOMINAL.

>>POWERED SIEVE ASSISTS: CHECKING.

>You feel a breeze flowing through the helmet, and the slightly stale air freshens.

>>NOMINAL.

>>INSULATED LAYER: NOMINAL

>>EMERGENCY POWERED TEMPERATURE CONTROL: NOMINAL, LINKED TO AUGURS.

>>>CLIMATE CONTROL WILL ENGAGE AUTOMATICALLY, ESTIMATED 25 MINUTES DEDICATED BATTERY.

>>>USER MAY ENGAGE MANUALLY VIA ROTATING GOLDEN DISC. MANUAL USE NOT RECOMMENDED.

>>EMERGENCY AIR SUPPLY: PRESENT. ESTIMATED 20 MINUTES AT STANDARD RATE OF EXERTION. USER MUST ROUTE CHARGE THROUGH SILVER LINE TO ENGAGE MANUALLY.

"Silver line- that's the air tank. Pull the silver cord. Pull the silver cord if I need to breathe. Ok. I can feel it."

 

>ADDITIONAL SYSTEMS:

>>TOOL RACK: PRESENT. STOWED.

>>>MOTORS: NOMINAL.

>>>INPUT 'INVENTORY' FOR MANIFEST. INPUT 'RACK [PORT/STARBOARD]' TO ENGAGE/DISENGAGE.

>>AUXILIARY TOMES: TRANSMITTER/RECIEVER AIMED AT CANTERLOT ROYAL LIBRARY. CODEX FUNCTIONS NOMINAL, INPUIT 'LOOKUP [TOPIC]' TO ENGAGE

"Hmmm... maaaaaybe we don't start talking at Canterlot's library demons unless we absolutely have to, ok?"

>ALL SYSTEMS NOMINAL.

>STYGIAN MK.I SURVIVAL SUIT ONLINE.

>PARTY CANNONS: ONLINE, BUT UNLOADED.

>LACE PANTIES: NICE AND TIGHT.

"AGAIN WITH THE FRILLY UNDERGARMENTS!?"

 

 

>Damn, this is what power feels like? No wonder the lesser beings start trying to enslave everyone and turn the world into sexy statues of themselves.

>Not you, though. You have a reason for the season, and too much magnanimity to waste your glorious life on such egotistical idiocy.

>And it's done.

>What once had been intruding into and out of all your senses is now neatly compartmentalized. The HUD no longer flashes in your field of vision, but it's still there the moment you start looking for it.

>A heady feeling recedes from you, coming down from a high you hadn't realized you had attained.

>You and it are one.

>>WE AND YE ARE ONE :3

>What.

>Moving on.

>Wait

>It mentioned-

>>CLOVER.

>CLOVER mentioned a tool rack- you should TAKE INVENTORY

>>ERROR. SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF NONSTANDARD ITEMS FOUND. BEYOND EXPECTED OPERATIONAL PURVIEW. ESTABLISHING EXOCORTEX. COLLATING, PLEASE WAIT. AUGURIES WILL BE AT 50% CAPACITY.

"Great. There's a tool rack but Pinkie stuffed so many weird dildos and rubber chickens in this, the suit gremlin has no bucking idea how to even describe it yet."

>Davenport mutters through the hook in his mouth- "We oughta give it a sec, then. Don't wanna go down there uninformed- plus, maybe Pinkie left a grenade or something we could blast our way outta here!"

>You fix him with a stare. "Yeah, I know, not with our luck. A guy can dream, though."

 

>Take a moment, then. Trot in place, hop up and down a bit. Get a feel for the weight and how the suit wants to carry it.

>Davenport smiles and stomps on the ground- "Hey, look at you, expert diver! Was just gonna suggest that!"

>Yeah, yeah. Drink it up.

>No really, drink it up, you're going to need every bit of positivity in a moment.

>In fact- go walking. Talk to folks-

>Why is everypony snickering at you?

>Oh, right, the panties. The panties you shouted about, for seemingly no reason.

>Don't acknowledge it. Everypony knows why Pinkie had this, you just didn't thing to look into the rump of the-

"DAVENPORT! You inspected these things, why didn't you tell Trixie about the EXTRA CLOTH? in the RUMPUS?"

>"Sorry! Not like I have a good light, y'know! I figured that was... Well, y'know, waste disposal?"

>Crickets again. A choir of crickets from on high.

"You- why- I- THEY'RE FRILLY AND FULL OF HOLES! PRACTICALLY MADE OF HOLES!"

>"It's made by and for unicorns! I already knew you had glass that changes state- apparently you just casually OPEN PORTALS TO THE SUN to power stuff, so why not underpants that teleport poop away!?"

>That-

>That's actually a reasonable assumption, though you're 100% positive there's no teleporter in the panties. Plus that would require either digging a dedicated cesspit AND paying for upkeep, or accepting the operator is leaving their tailhole wide open in the wilderness for any random creature that... sees... the.. portal...

 

>Oh Sun. Pinkie WOULD do that if she were seriously considering an erotic dance/escort service.

>Please don't have been used for that pleasepleaseplease

>>USER QUERY:MAINTENANCE LOG FOR TELEPORTALPANTIES. ACCESSING

>Of course you're wrong about the panties. OF COURSE.

>no no no NOOOOOO ABORT ABORT ABORT

>>'NO ABORT.' ACKNOWLEDGED. TASK PRIORITY SET TO 'ABSOLUTE'

>Your eyes go wide. Brace!

>>NO LOGS PRESENT; LACE PANTIES NOT STANDARD COMPONENT.

>Phew!

>>UPLINK TO SECOND AUXILIARY TOME SET FOUND. DATABASE 'THE PARTY CAVE' SENDING/RECIEVING LIMA CHARLIE. ACCESSING RELEVANT ENTRIES.

>No! The horror! THE HORROR!

>Pinkie Pie's diaries, dossiers and even a few random old flyers intrude into your mind. Anything where she mentions magic underwear.

>You learn far more than you ever thought existed of Pinkie Pie's sexual party games. Of the 'plootboxes' raffled off for charity, with one lucky box containing a portal to a plushy pink ponut.

>Ok- that... not too bad. Raise money for charity, have casual sex. Cool. Ew, but cool. Fine even.

>You're no prude, you just don't want to be learning about HER specifically!

>Oh no it's not done

>Random swing parties, with linked pairs of panties and briefs. Mr. Cake spends one heady night with three lipizzaner mares, one stallion, and Princess Cadance. Ms. Cake takes half the wonderbolt team and an unnamed but prominent Canterlot unicorn.

>At least you now know for certain Pinkie is anal about STD screening and consent forms. Anal. Ha. Ha.

 

>THERE'S MORE!? Not just more- the entries from the last 2 months aren't even about sex parties!?

>"A meanie rival church insulted Holder's Boulder. Teehee, their false choosing stone will be their undoing! The chief of that clan paid for it with her life. My trojan panty delivered a snuke right to her snizz."

>"17 barrels of Chinamare's Folly brand gunpowder, some of that fancy glass, a big honking battery and Applejack's spare grain silo. That's all we need, Gummy! We're sending panties to the moon! Gonna get Nightmare Moon laid so she won't be so grumpy when she lands! Otherwise I'm gonna die when she shoots first instead of monologuing at us! Sonic Rainbooms never lie, Gummy!"

>"Dear Gummy, imagine my surprise when Nightmare Moon was just angrier and hornier after getting pounded all night by eligible stallions! We shoulda died but that weird green mare threw destiny off I guess. Woohoo! I haven't been this glad to be alive since the last time I ate!"