Anonmare's Cutie Mark Chronicle

 

>Be Anonmare

>Burrito-wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and pillows

>Located within a newly enlargified bed for two

>Which itself is located in a modest but respectable two-story cottage near the forest edge of Ponyville.

>In the haze of sleep you glance out the window. Pink-gray-purple sludge still spackles the townward horizon, but that's irrelevant.

>No. Ponyville is almost always on fire or falling into a sinkhole- you're here for the metal gleam of the sun on your car-

>Which you do not find

>Oh shit where is-

>As if she's listening, Remmie flashes her hazard lights. Orange light flickers off the walls of your garage-

>Also there's a garage out there. Well, a little wooden shed with one wall missing, but still.

Well that tears it. Roll over, wrap the blankets tighter- "Fuckthisimgoingbackto-"

 

>However much sleep you got, you'll never know. Your clock was commandeered by some shifty-eyed cows needing spare parts, and it's not like you even looked in the direction where it once sat.

>With all that said-

>Be awoken by the sound of a door being kicked in, in the cunt-end of the early morning

>"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE is on a COMEBACK TOUR, babe!" echoes through the house, shocking you into awareness of dim sunlight sneaking into your sanctuary

>Clip

>Clop

>The doorknob rattles. Accursed light upon thee, as a hazy blue face comes into view. "Er-"

"Good morning to you too." You squeak out with somehow LESS venom than intended.

>Trixie squees, shrinking back into the stair landing. "Er- I brought egg sandwiches?"

>Said sandwiches are levitated near you, and instantly inhaled. Down they go, never had a chance, the widowed loaves of bread will weep.

 

 

"What?" you say, as Trixie pouts more pathetically than normal. "Did you not-"

>"Trixie did not!" Her stomach growls.

"So the one time you DON'T scarf your share on the way-"

>"UGH! It's fine-" Trixie inches forward to the bed.

"It's not fine! I feel like a dick!"

>"Shhh, it was a fair assumption, mon cherie." A kiss on your forehead, a look of realization, a kiss on your lips. "Besides, my show was in demand enough for PRE-SALES! So..."

>She makes no effort to hide her pride, even as she trails off.

"Moving on up at last, eh?"

>A scoff. A friendly one, with a twinkle in Trixie's eye- "What. Do you expect me to say 'oh Anon, Trixie moved up in the world when you took her name'?"

>A shit-eating grin is given and returned. "because yes, yes she did. Now- where's your bags?"

>The fuck she talkin' about?

>You ask her as much, getting a half scowl in return. "What do you- MY SHOW?" You slowly blink as Trixie paces in seemingly genuine frustration.

>"Do you really not want to see my show, WIFE? Hast paradise already become...." She starts to trail off as a look of dawning realization, uh, dawns on her. "...so... troubled.... Right. Sorry."

>Before you can answer, a hot pinchy pressure feeling brings you scrambling out of your fortress.

>You damn near faceplant on the floor, but a magenta glow steadies you and helps unwrap the blankets.

>Trixie barely gets out of the way in time as you gallop to the bathroom

 

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck"

>You wiggle your rear a bit and step on the flush button

>Even after all this time, you still appreciate taking a leak being as easy for mares as men

>Easier, if you count not needing to fuck with pants or zippers or whatever. Least, not in normal weather.

>Before you walk out the door, you stand on your bathroom scale

>Yep

>You put on a few pounds

>Sure as hell feels like it, and now you've got numerical proof

 

>Trixie's voice filters through the door. "Anon? Are you alright?"

"What? Yes? Why wouldn't I be?"

>"I dunno- you were in there for... nevermind."

>The door opens by your pale green light. Trixie backs into your upstairs closet- the only way you'll have room to pass her in your tight hallway.

>Weird that she did that when she could just walk to your shared room, but whatever-

"I'm gaining weight and I dunno why, by the way."

>Your fucking gut growls and hurts. Emptiness, not diarrhea.

Still standing in the bathroom doorway, you crane your neck over and shout at your stomach: "Shut up in there! FUCK, why am I starving all the time!?"

>Right

>Food

>Food is usually stored in or near a kitchen- better get moving.

>There's a kitchen downstairs, full of numnums you can shovel into the egg and wheat mass grave you call your tract

>Just

>Gotta

>Get-

>Right as you pass the closet, Trixie's head pops out and kisses your swollen belly. "Come on- you know why."

>A tiny, barely-formed hoof poking out at its other mothers' face sends a gross shudder up your spine. Trixie laughs and coos.

"Eugh, that never doesn't feel fucking WEIRD..."

>Your face muscles are fighting. Part of you wants to scowl at the absurdity of YOU being a mother-to-be. The other part wants to walk around with a dopey, soft smile and pet your squirming belly all day and-

>FUCK. Kid isn't even here yet and she's already scrambling your brains.

>Finally downstairs. You feel a gust of magic recede from you-

"TRIXIE! I don't need-"

>"Sorry! I-" She quivers

>Fuck

>You nuzzle her cheek and let your horns tap gently, sending a slight shiver down both of you.

"No- I'm sorry, I dunno how many mares out there would be as cool with... THIS-" you sit and point at your gut, "as you."

>Trixie holds the contact a little longer, before squeezing past you into the kitchen. "I think you're wrong- we both agreed to a four-way."

>Magic rattles around your pots and pans, and you sit down with the grim acceptance that your wife is.... taking care of you.

>Eugh

>Matches are struck. Doomed food objects sizzle. Trixie glances back at you- "Besides, I'm not the one actually carrying the foal!"

"You wanna tra-"

>Thud. Creak. Thud (softer).

>>Derpy crashes through your kitchen window (modified to open like a doggy door) and onto a pile of pillows (embroidered, for her comfort.) "MAIL'S HERE!"

>A grey and blonde head disappear into the noneuclidean depths of a regulation Equestrian Postal Service Corps. bag

>Rustle, rustle

>Sizzle, clang, splatter, "OW! MERDE!"

>Rustle, rustle

>Trixie hangs her head in shame and tosses a burned hay-shbrown. "Damnation! Why are these so hard to get right!?"

>Rustle, rustle

"Y'know, I got plenty of potatoes and-"

>Derpy and Trixie both shout, almost in unison. "No! Potatoes can poison the young and unborn! Jinx! You owe me a-"

>"shot!"

>>"muffin!"

>Silence for a heartbeat, then laughter.

"No seriously- I ate them all the time as a filly."

>>"Yes- as a FILLY, not a baby, silly!"

>"Nor as a fetus, by proxy of absorbing them through your mother's blood supply."

>

>

>

>>"Seriously. You'd be dead."

>Oh if only they knew...

>

>

>Derpy's still here- why-

>Oh. Right.

"Sorry Derpy, I'm kinda short today on account of devouring anything edible within a hundred yards of me at all ti-"

>>"Oh, don't apologize. I have a daughter, I know what it does to you. Besides, it's not like I'm ENTITLED to a free muffin!"

>Derpy flashes you a warm, maternal smile, but the subtle tightness around her eyelids betrays at least a small amount of disappointment.

>Still, she's got shit to do today. Her head darts back into her bag and brings out the daily newspaper and some letters. And she's gone- out your front door, because she's not a fucking ANIMAL like Rainbow Dash.

>More sizzling and clattering dead ahead of you. Funny, watching Trixie's ass sway around while she cooks normally gets your motor going.

>Must still be in that early don't-you-dare-touch-me stage. Sad. So sad you find yourself laying your head on the table, ears drooping.

>"Oh don't worry- we suffer together, my dear! And besides-"

>Trixie turns around, trots over with a plate of competent fried hay and eggs, a devious smile on her face.

>The meal disappears almost as soon as visual contact is confirmed. For one picosecond your tummy feels pleasantly full.

>Trixie leans in to whisper, but whatever she said is drowned out by the sudden aching emptiness and growling beast inside you.

>You'd gotten decent at reading her lips, but you can't really see too well-

>Oh

>Those are tears

>Yippee you're about to cry

"FUCK I'M A FAT UGLY WRECK!"

>"No, nononono-"

"YES I AM!"

>You go back and forth like this for a while, eventually leaving you in that hiccuppy half-sobby post-cry state. There's gotta be a word for that, right?

>Ugh

>Warm

>Trixie is so warm

>"You okay, now?"

Sniff. "Yeah- morning sadness is the worst."

>"Could be worse- I've heard monkeys and minotaurs puke their guts up for the first few months."

"Heh. Yeah- they also bleed once a month whenever they're not pregnant."

>"EW! Seriously!?" She laughs and trots back to the range.

"Eh, s'what I've heard- I ain't gonna go ask. By the way, those potatoes-"

>Yes. That's right- change the subject so she doesn't notice you clam up.

>Reaching for the newspaper, you silently thank God yet again for at least not making you a woman

"Whaddawe got here-"

>Trixie cranes her head back at you, a disappointed grimace framed in blued steel. "Anon- the potatoes? Seriously- they'll mess the baby up. Not in an abortion drug way, but in a 'you'll give birth to a full-sized baby with no organs' way."

"I know! The doctor already told me all this, I just... want it to be wrong."

>Trixie's head turns round, eyebrow raised. "Then stop it!" she says with a sigh.

You almost shout back at her- "No- that's not- UGH. Use them before they go bad, ok! Hell, take a few with you! Take 'em all so I'm not tempted, even! Go on!"

>Realizing a little too late that your emotions got the best of you, you cover your face and try sinking into your cushion.

>Trixie goes stock straight at your outburst. An uncomfortable pause. A deep breath. "Ooohhhhhhhh. Right. Good idea- for right now. Going to be staying with mother, she can't stand spuds."

>Crap

"Alright, then- fuck I dunno, can you give 'em to Spike? That's on the way to the train station."

>Her shoulders sag a bit. "Oh, Remmie is still-"

"Nothing serious- there's a wobble in the front wheels and the steering sticks. Plus I wanna give her a full once-over before I even think of long-distance shenanigans, but, y'know-" you pat your belly for emphasis.

>"Riiiight." Her ears droop, ever so slightly.

"Trix, you know you're the only mare I trust to drive her- hell, you're the only mare SHE trusts besides me. She can probably handle a short trip to town, get your..."

>Her ear flicks. Much less subtly.

You slow down, carefully enunciating: "Magic Paraphernalia onto the train." Nailed it.

>"I know! It's just inconvenient! Conveniently inconvenient!"

"Careful there, that's something Pinkie might say..." You trill, with a shit-eating grin.

>Trixie's pout is worth all the crap this morning.

 

 

>The morning trudges on.

>Trixie finishes making her eggs and fries a few potatoes.

>You stare at her with your biggest, wettest eyes ever but the bitch has a heart of stone.

>"Somehow I think making and eating this in front of you was a bad idea-HEY!"

>You pout like a schoolfilly at an expensive doll as your attempted fry theft is intercepted.

"Aw come on! Just one!"

>"One might be safe, but it won't be just one, now will it!?"

>Trixie channels her swamp raccoon totem spirit, scarfing the remaining taters with near-Pinkielike speed. "There! Now I'm taking these temptations to where they will harm none but Twilight!"

>And out the door she goes

>

>

>Leaving you with some dirty plates. It's not a big deal- your magic makes them clean in 30 seconds without even leaving your seat.

>The pans are another thing.

>One has egg on it that's been allowed to cool (fuck)

>The other is a sooty mess of burnt hay (double fuck)

>You shrug and levitate them into the sink to soak.

>That just leaves the mail. Let's see-

>The letters are on top of the newspaper. Might as well do them first-

>Let's see now-

>Shit. Top of the pile is big, bold, red letters. Props to Derpy for her sorting skill?

>You pick it up. It crinkles- plastic window in the envelope. Somewhat ritzy for Equestria- this can't be good.

"DANGER- YOUR FOAL'S LIFE MAY DEPEND-"

>Squint

"Oh what the fuck? Redheart, why are you-"

>Iron horseshoes crash against wood, and your kitchen becomes slightly brighter as Trixie storms back in.

>The fright sends you teetering off your haunches, mail still gripped in your hooves.

>"WHO WHAT WHERE- oh. It's one of those." She says as she sets you upright with her magic. "I ought to go down there and-"

"Babe, relax. I don't like the wording either but-"

>"No! It's the principle of the thing!"

>Trixie trails into indignant muttering as she paces in and out of the house, hauling stuff to the car

>Sigh

>Here we go

 

>Trixie walks down the stairs, a box of empty alchemical spheres on her back

"Yes, it's shifty as fuck for her to write it like that-"

>Door open. Cute ass go out. Door close.

>Back to the mail. You set the URGENT REMINDERS for MAGIC TESTS and NEW PARENT TRAINING aside-

>Utility bill's next- with a contractor discount?? Thanks Mooriel! You'll pay that in town today.

 

>Door open. Scowling face come in. Door close.

"-But I really should take the classes. They're already sure it's a unicorn and-"

>Cute ass stomps into the downstairs storage area formerly known as your living room

>Okay, next on the pile- spam mail. Spam mail. More spam- again with the fucking extended warranty?

>Cute face emerges from the cardboard jungle with some of those trick hanky chains and rings on her neck

"-Look, I got no experience with baby unicorns besides knowing they'll teleport at random-"

 

>Door open. Blued steel tail swishes on the way out. Door close.

>Ok- that's the spam pile done. Next is... an invitation from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns?

>Uh

>Wow

>Okay-

>Door open. Great and Powerful saunters back in. Door close.

"Hey, time out-"

>Trixie pauses mid-stride right next to you

"We got an invitation from Celestia's school. Addressed to-"

>Squint

"The future heir or heiress to Madames Lulamoon."

>You glance up from the letter, watching Trixie carefully

>The corners of her eyes and mouth twitch as her emotions are no doubt roiling beneath her practiced stage mask

>Finally, she returns to her scowl. "Wow, it's like medical privacy isn't even a thing!"

>

>

"RIGHT? Everypony who knows about our kid-"

>"Knows you got knocked up by a pegasus! Who else knows besides us and the doctors?"

"Honestly? I don't know! The other bearers still think I'm just getting fat from lazing around!"

>Trixie stares back in disbelief. "Anon, you really need to-"

"I KNOW! It's just... kinda funny to me, ok? I wanna see how long I can keep 'em in the dark."

>She stares

>Stares.

>Stare. Sigh.

>"Anon- I was going to demand you take a picture when the charade finally falls apart!"

>Alright

>That got a real laugh going out of the both of you

>When it finally subsides, a short but awkward silence hangs.

"Er-"

>"So-"

"Back to it, then?"

>"Yep." Her face instantly twists back into a mild scowl and she swears up a storm headed straight for your booze cellar.

>You set the invitation and medical... reminders? aside. You'll deal with that later, once the indignity of someone blabbing about or pulling your medical records subsides.

"Don't need to be boiling our blood this early in the morning, right?" you say while caressing your stomach.

 

 

>Back to the stack.

>Tax statements, most of them zero because you technically are part of the government. Sometimes. Kind of. Look, you're not going to rock the boat on that by sticking your nose in it.

>You do voluntarily pay into the basic medical fund because, come on, you're not THAT cheap.

>...Might also end up with a big enough house for property taxes. Gonna need at least one extra room now- AJ can help with that, but- fuck, not to mention-

>You can't leave guns lying around! Hell, half of Trixie's magic props could probably hurt a foal! fuckfuckfuck-

>The clattering of boards on the basement stairs derails your doom spiral. Trixie rolls a barrel of ethanol up, with extra swears and grunts.

>Once it's on the ground floor, she climbs up and rides it out like a clown on a big ball. "Car's hungry."

"Oh- yeah. Uh, the more I think about it, the more I really want that class too. Like- this house is barely even ME proof, and we're adding a baby to it??"

>Door go swingy swingy, mare go outy outy

 

>Well, that's all the letters.

>Except the two you haven't read in detail yet- but let's wait until Trixie's-

>"Need you to leave, I don't want to drag fireworks through here with you-"

"Trixie, if they're stable enough to keep IN OUR HOUSE they're stable enough to be in front of my occupied uterus for five seconds. Goddamn."

>She scowls, cherry red, and storms off in a huff.

>Comes back a moment later with a big box full of Fun

"Yes, it IS pretty hot that you're being so protective but like- cool it just a bit? Ok?"

>Ah fuck, she's back to stomping around right when it seemed like she'd worked through it.

>Oh well- let's read the paper.

>>"SILPHIUM BLIGHT FINALLY SOLVED. Drug supply will be restored within the week- citizens cheer for a return to traditional promiscuity!"

You glance downwards. "Heh, you got nothing to worry about. Momma's already got stockholm syndrome, yes she does yes she- OOF"

>The brat kicks and thrashes at your condescension, inducing some kind of energy surge. Felt like a static shock inside your guts.

"Ah ya little bastard, I said I WASN'T getting rid of you! Whaddaya want from me!?"

>As soon as the words leave your mouth, it happens. Your vision pulses. Images flash within your mind's eye, bringing an almost demonic pain and hunger.

>The ice cream.

>It's in the freezer.

>CONSUME, MOTHER

>

>

>

>Afewminuteslater.wav

>Door: OPEN. Trixie: INSIDE. "I put the... llwhatthe-"

>You blush and try hiding behind your wall of empty ice cream boxes

"Don't judge me! What were you-"

>"I put the empty barrel out by the still. Seriously-" she takes a long, hard look at your boxes, your now-sticky hair, the baby dancing a samba inside you. "You SURE you're good? I CAN cancel for your sake, you know."

"NOPE! I mean yep, I'm good."

>"Uh huh..." She wets a rag for you on her way to her larger props.

 

"Anyway- feel free to yell at Redheart but I'm getting those tests, that's final."

>More rattling in the abyss of boxes. Trixie calls out- "Well NO DUH!"

>Oh for-

"Well if you know it's the best thing, why are we fighting!?"

>Trixie's head pops out of a box, packing peanuts stuck in her mane and a look of utter bewilderment on her face. "We are?"

>Tchhk-

>Hnnng

>Deep breath

>Plant your forehooves so you're sitting properly

>And another deep breath-

>Okay

"Are we not? Why are you running around making me talk one sentence at a time!?"

>"I HAVE TO PACK! Sheesh! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware this was the one time you weren't okay with us running around and multitasking!"

>...

"But- you got all pissy right when-"

>"OKAY! Yes, I took Redheart's scare tactics a little too personally. That was probably what set me off in- ugh. No. Well- yes, but it's not-"

"Trixie?"

>She shrinks into her box.

>Great. Now you gotta-

>Her voice comes out right beside you. "You don't know- that is, you're- uh-"

>Your neck creaks like a rusty anchor as you face her, her head poking out of what used to be your silverware drawer. "Ta.. da?"

"Trixie. I need you to do two things right now-"

>"Yes?"

"One: don't fucking startle me like that, my blood pressure is already nuts enough."

>"Sorry- I really needed to test that prop."

"Two: tell me what's really going on."

>

>

"Ok, we've done this before, just tell me please so we don't have to play dueling eyebrows."

>"Mmmmmm getting worked up over seeing my mother."

>Oh

>Well, that's

>Wait

"...Were you trying to say I'm too orphaned to understand parent drama?" you say with your harshest squint ever

>She sweats. She smiles sheepishly. She chuckles the chuckle of-

"For fuck's sake- you're the dumbest genius I've ever met."

>"I know." Trixie avoids your gaze as she climbs out of the drawer, but opens up for hugs

>The hug isn't as bone crushing as you'd like, but your kid probably appreciates that

"Alright. Now- what's going on with your mom?"

>"I haven't seen her in 15 years, the last time I saw her I was about to leave for college and we watched my idol drown, oh and I'm married to a pregnant wife who isn't coming."

>Oh

"...Yeah that'll do it. Trixie, I ain't THAT pregnant yet, I could come-"

>"NO! No, if we're seeing this through, we're doing it right! Stay near YOUR doctors, get YOUR shit done, I'll be back.

>You decide to grab the yet-unread letters and follow Trixie to the car

>A fat, jingling little sack is floated over to you- "Saw a bill in that pile. Forgot something?"

"RIght. Yeah, thanks." You grab it and slip it over your head.

>It's less of a coinpurse and more of a purse-purse, the strap being long enough to go round your neck.

>"I'll head into town, you ride with me. I'm not having you exert yourself with my equipment, just get off at town square or whatever, she can find you on her own afterwards."

>She, of course, being your technically-not-a-ghost car

>Hm-

>Something about it sets your nerves on edge. You ponder as you lock your door behind you and trot across the damp grass.

"I dunno- she's basically got a limp right now."

>"And you're developing a bit of a waddle. Your point?"

>You paw the ground and snort at that.

"And she's like- unstable, remember? I don't like the idea of her being unattended in the middle of town."

>Trixie, having reached Remmie, looks back at you with her typical smug disaffectedness. "Mi amore, you have the only wagon in the known world that actively recognizes and deters thieves."

>She climbs in. You reach the passenger door shortly after and do the same.

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of! You know how she'll overreact-"

>Belts are buckled (modifying them for ponies was no small feat) and mirrors are checked. "Are you talking about the SMILE file again? Wasn't all that because-"

"Because she was lost, afraid and in pain! She's in pain now!"

>Right on cue, the radio warbles of its own accord. Almost like a sneeze, you find yourself patting the dashboard without thinking.

"Hey don't worry, as soon as I can crawl around again you're getting the full service. This kid'll grow up with as much motor oil on her as tit milk if needs be-"

>"EW! You know, if crawling is the only issue, perhaps Fluttershy hasn't filled in that pit yet? Just a thought."

>The car shudders while the key turns.

"Hey, easy girl, we're not doing anything harsh- just a casual trip into town, low and slow- and yeah, maybe I should take her up to Fluttershy's..."

>Remmie crawls out of your yard at a pace barely faster than trotting, but hey, she's still hauling a wagonload of stuff easier than you carry your money pouch

>Trixie starts to talk but yelps and grabs the wheel as Remmie lurches. "EEEP! Okay, yes, you were right, she needs help! No distracting me!"

 

>The drive into town is, somehow, someway, uneventful. Ponies have grown accustomed to your car and the guard have gotten it through their fat heads to not fuck with you.

>"What do you think- HELLO?"

"AH! HUH? what? sorry-" Trixie's voice snaps you out of watching the trees drift by.

>"Any ideas what caused the damage?"

"Iunno- probably some side effect of getting shot at a few times combined with rushed repairs? Trust me, she's survived worse, just gotta actually put the work in."

>"Uh huh. Guess I'll leave her at the train yard, you'll have to collect her? Train leaves in, uh-" She squints at the clock. "An hour? Should be able to leave her in the lot."

"Sure, that works. Not too far-"

>"Okay. Well, still got at least 15 minutes- wanna read through those letters, finally?"

"Yeah, guess I do keep forgetting to do that-"

 

>First up: the thing from the hospital.

>Besides the needlessly urgent writing visible on and through the envelope, it really is just a checklist for new moms.

>Free services like a seminar for managing stress about the birth, how to anticipate and mitigate in-utero magic surges (would've been nice to know half an hour ago), how to change a diaper with your mouth (crossed out)

>Underneath the generic stuff there's you and your kid's test results (unicorn, female, healthy so far) and specifics for parents of unicorns.

>Trixie glances between you and the road. "So far, so good?"

"Yeah. Mostly a list of stuff the hospital will do for cheap, if not on the universal health plan thing. This one's gonna be important: they can get a certified court mage to help babyproof your house. Like make it so she can't teleport into someplace that'll kill her."

>"Very important- sounds pricey though."

"Eh, it's the most expensive service they got but even that ain't too bad. Like ten bits an hour with finance options. Most of it probably won't even be spellcasting, just like-"

>"Re-kajiggering the house so we'll quickly know if she got into a cabinet or something?"

"AyuWOAH-"

>You lurch forward as Trixie hits the brakes. Considering you were going maybe 10mph, it's not too bad, but still.

>Trixie's hunched over the steering wheel, breathing heavily as a young colt belly flops onto the hood, grinning ear to ear as he puts his ear to the metal

"Trixie, don't-"

>She says nothing, just breathes and leans on the wheel

>huff, huff

>various swears

>

>

>His mother finally comes by and drags him off by the tail, red-faced and smiling congenially at you

"Thanks for not honking him into the stratosphere, babe. Believe me, I know EXACTLY how much restraint that took."

>"Just call me the Patient and Magnanimous Trixie-"

"I'm not doing that."

>"Good." You feel the slight vertigo as you accelerate and get underway again. The invitation from Celestia's school still waits-

 

>Unlike the envelope addressed to your 'future heir or heiress,' the letter itself is written in a tight but neat cursive, the kind unicorn fartsniffers use.

>A letterhead containing the royal seal of the sun court is immediately followed by FROM THE PERSONAL DESK OF RAVEN INKWELL, COURT SENESCHAL TO HER MAJESTY'S DAY COURT, AND WITH THEIR MAJESTIES' BLESSING:

>Something in the letterhead fizzles. Your receipt of this letter is Acknowledged.

>Fucking magical ink crap again! Oh well- wait, court seneschal?

>Trixie notices the face you're probably making. "What?"

"It's not even from the princess, it's from her official quill diddler or whatever. Lessee-"

>>"Honorable Anonymares(sic) Lulamoon, Bearer of Understanding by Grace of Harmony-"

"Wow, that sure is a title."

>>"I hope this letter finds you and your unborn in good health. Yes I know about that; I don't know why you're keeping it a secret and I won't pry-"

>Trixie smugs smugly at you. "Being completely fair, 'I thought it would be funny' is going to make you look stupider than saying it was a secret shame."

"Yeah, yeah."

>>"Suffice to say, handling Celestia's paperwork gives me the highest security clearance imaginable. No, really, higher than the Princesses even. It's my job to read all the hogwash from SMILE in case any of it is brain poison. Ha ha. Sorry, I needed to vent about that. It was actually mister Biceps who told me. Must've been a fun night, wish I were there but I was stuck in bed with my tits getting sucked in a completely nonsexual way-"

You squint, moving the paper back and forth a bit... "What??"

>"She had a kid, remember? That was why Celestia was so late getting the messages about our impending sharkpocalypse."

"Ohhh, right. Okay-"

>>"Oops, there I go writing off-topic again. Mom-brain, you know?(1) Anyway, this letter is to inform you of certain rights befitting your station:"

>>"First, considering your status as a high value asset (and target), your entire family is entitled to attend ALL theory and defense classes at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, regardless of your foal's tribe. Of course, should you bear a unicorn, they will be entitled to tribe-specific tutelage as well."

 

>The car rolls to a stop. Trixie is frothing at the mouth, though whether it's in joy or fury you cannot tell.

"Trixie? You alright?"

>"Just peachy! It's not like I strained my relationship with my mother over paying for those classes! Ha ha ha ha HA HA!"

"Come on- you know we'd probably not've made it out of the spa if not for-"

>"I KNOW!" She cuts herself off, taken aback by her outburst. "Sorry, I know, it's just- FUCK! One of those times where my life seems like a giant joke!"

"Better a joke than a cautionary tale, right?"

>"Oh fuck off. What's the rest of that letter?"

 

>>"Second, considering you are almost certainly carrying a unicorn or pegasus of high magic potential, the crown can reimburse you for modifications to your house, provided they are directly related to creating a safer environment for the baby."

"Sweet. Rather do it myself, but-" a squirming draws your gaze downwards. "Yeah I'm talking about you in there- don't start that with me now, sweetie."

>>"Third, and perhaps most important, due to recent events and 'ill portents,' Her Majesty has seen fit to formally reinstate the feudal titles associated with your sacred bond-"

>"Well that explains that." Trixie is barely containing a giddy outburst.

"Go ahead, you know you wanna."

>"EEEEEEEEEE FUCK YOU DAD I GOT A COLLEGE DEGREE AND I'M SLEEPING WITH THE GENTRY!"

"You done?"

>"Yes, thank you. Please continue, *my lady.*" She purrs the title.

>>"Henceforth, all Bearers of Harmony are to be recognized as equivalent to knighthood and are required to be fit for battle and political theatre as any knight would be."

>You and Trixie share a nervous look.

>>"There, that's the boilerplate out of the way, now for the you-and-me section. I know you're the last pony who needs combat training, but considering your injuries and magic mishaps, I'm formally commanding you to: one, get used to wearing a chain shirt (one will be provided at no cost) and two, take some remedial magic classes (like the free ones you were just invited to.) The last thing we need is you burning out at a pivotal moment."

"...Free armor! Probably gonna be made of fancy material too! Sweet."

>>"Now, regarding the 'political symbol' aspect of your position..."

>"That doesn't sound good-"

>>"I'm told you adamantly refused to accept tickets to the grand galloping gala. Very noble of you, I'm sure, but you're going to be there if I have to come and drag you up the sheer side of the mountain myself. Dignitaries from all over the world gather at the gala and it's the perfect time to introduce the heroes who saved the world TWICE IN ONE YEAR to the political stage."

"FUCK! SHIT DAMN ASS FUCK FUCK FUCK....FUCK."

>"Now hold on- flip the page, maybe there's more?"

>Shuffle, shuffle

"Yeah-"

>>"As Her Majesty absolutely detests the grand galloping gala, She is formally requesting that the bearers of harmony use any means necessary to, and I quote, 'liven things up.' This will not only save Princess Celestia from self-inflicted injuries, but will openly flaunt the traditions she has grown to despise in a manner none but a yak would dare argue with. Coincidentally, guess who never gets invited? Wink wink.

"Trixie?"

>"Yes?"

"We just got a blank check to fuck up the biggest party of the year."

>"Did we?"

"Yes- says it right here."

>"Okay then, so my ears weren't damaged."

"Not at all."

>"Good."

"...Considering she's asking us to make yaks of ourselves, do you want to come? Might be bad for your rep."

>"Perish the thought! The GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE is going to ABSOLUTELY RUIN THE GALA and GET AWAY WITH IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

>You yelp and grab the wheel before you all go careening into a fence.

"WOAH WOAH, we're still driving in case you forgot!"

>"oop- sorry."

"One more bit here-"

>>"She also requests that you not tell the others, for fear of making their shenaniganery less authentic. Pinkie Pie almost certainly knows because Pinkie, and you are being informed so you and your wife can make an informed decision regarding her appearance."

>"Oh, that's thoughtful! Tell her I'm coming and to make sure my baggage isn't searched." She grins like the fucking Grinch.

>>"Below you will find a watermark that, upon confirming your comprehension of this letter, will materialize all necessary tickets and paperwork for your training, two (2) tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala, one (1) reimbursement form for tailored finery, and a summoning scroll for a royal guard escort carriage. You are the ticket czar, Anon. Don't lose them or everypony will be paying for their own."

>>"PS: Really, I know you don't need any combat training, but please work with me. A course on squad tactics and some weekend militia training saves lives. Do it for your friends, if not yourself."

>>"1: If you don't understand mom brain, you will soon. :3"

>Just as it said, you get another brain zorch and find yourself holding a fancy sheaf of papers complete with a gold-flecked red wax seal.

>Ehhh, fuck, pop it in the glove box for now? It's trending towards chilly so the wax won't melt.

 

>Ponyville township proper rolls into view as you tuck the bundle away.

"Welp. My day just got a shitload more packed."

>"Oh don't worry Anon, they don't expect you to do it immediately or else it'd say that... Ok, town hall to pay the utilities?"

>Rolling farmlands give way to mane street and charming little tudor houses. More ponies stop to gawk at Remmie.

>Townies.

>At least none of them actively get in the way, though the going is still slowed at times.

>The great central carousel housing the local elected queen bitch lies just ahead.

"Yeah- lemme off, I'll come get the car when I'm done."

>Trixie rolls to as smooth a stop as the wobbly wheel will allow

>To your surprise, she cuts the motor and tosses you the keys. "Here, since you're afraid of an altercation with her. I can put it in neutral and pull the rest of the way."

"I... Okay, if you're sure... We GOTTA get a spare key made, but I don't know if-"

 

>You pat at your stomach as The Kid squirms at your climbing out. Then the side of the car-

"Might be late getting you, gonna get a massage or something if I can. Back and hips hurt, but then it's straight to Flutters as soon as I'm up to working on you."

>Beepbeep

>Trixie finishes tying a harness to the little hitch at the back, and you watch as your car limps backwards towards the train station.

>Without you

>This is fine

>No really, this is 100% fine. Great even.

>You lovesick fool.

>Okay

>Trixie's leaving in half an hour for the next... week?

>Shit you didn't ask! FUCK!

>Oh well

>Right then

>It's noon-ish

>The early autumn sun is shining

>Ponies are going about their day

>And you got shit to do

 

 

Chapter the Twoth: The Epoch of Errands

 

 

>The double doors of Ponyville Town Hall/Billing Center/Small Claims Court/Sandwich Shoppe/Insurance Cartel Headquarters swing open

>As you cross the threshold, the soundscape changes.

>Wind and casual chatter become typewriters and quiet, formal dialogue. New instruments playing the same melody.

>Wow that's a lotta ponies. You figured the local government would be swamped lately but DAYUM.

>On the right, Cheerilee is haggling with some sort of chalk czar. Or is the chalk czar haggling with her?

>To your left, a current of indignant pleading. Davenport stares up at a stony-faced low level bureaucrat, probably arguing over insurance claims.

>Not your business, much as you feel for the guy.

>...

>Where is the bursar?

>Town Hall always had a clerk who could take fines and utility payments in person! You look all around, three times, but where is he!?

>There's so many new windows, cubicles, clerks and clients crammed into this space now. Half the town needs some kind of disaster relief or insurance payout, and the resultant sea of supplicants is making it impossible to navigate.

>You can't even see the signs through all the pegasi filling the air like a feathery curtain!

>Fuckfuckfuck

>You're standing here like a tourist or something, talking to yourself and-

"Where is- hey! WATCH IT!"

>-and getting bumped into.

>Okay

>You have a simple solution here. Just announce that you're pregnant and the entire fucking room will file into a clear path for you.

>...No.

>Dammit.

>You're too in love with the idea of messing with Twilight. Plus you're nowhere near ready to deal with gossiping hens and belly-touchers and-

>Curse your shenanigans.

>It's fine, just back your ass into the wall and out of the way for a sec

>The water/power billing was here before the disaster. It's a permanent fixture so it's gotta be in the same place... that'd be way in the back. Fuck.

 

>Hmmm

>Idea!

>Didn't twilight make a force field dome or something?

>How did she-

>Your horn ignites.

>You have no idea how Twilight did it but it was probably too much math

>Your magic is clay. Squish it. Crimp it. Spin it until you have a bowl of force.

>...Wow that's tiring. Holy shit maybe you do need some pointers cuz Twilight makes it look so goddamn easy

>Yeah no this ain't gonna work. It barely covers your body and takes so much concentration you can't even move your legs.

>Sure would be helpful if a certain SOMEPONY could give you a little KICKSTART, huh?

>

>

>Another migraine, another craving beamed directly into your visual cortex.

>Filly wants: FISHBALL SUB.

>...Actually that does sound great, and the town hall cafeteria has a sandwich shop.

>THE COVENANT IS FORGED. GO NOW. BUT DO NOT RENEGE ON OUR AGREEMENT.

>The shock to your system is invigorating this time. The static charge punching your lower intestinal tract softens instantly and suffuses into your entire body.

>A cone of green light solidifies in front of you- a cowcatcher.

>Party time.

"Scuze me! Pardon me!"

>Ponies go flying as you charge through the crowd

"Comin' through!"

>You can feel something triggering every time they get hit- they're not hitting the ground, just gently falling onto their hooves

"Sorry! Got bills to pay!"

>Wait

>Now that you're actually thinking about it-

"Oh shit!"

>You don't cast "spells," dingbat. Remember?

>You become horrifically, painfully aware that you've been manually slowing down every victim

>Nothing is automatic

"Woaooooaaah-"

>Well, it was, until you centipede dilemma'd yourself

>Dumbass

>Anon's Globe of Personal Space fizzles out as the... whatever you want to call it wears off

>Thankfully, you're almost to the back wall

>Dodge that fat hambeast pony trying to get a loan for a dress

>Duck under some visiting full-size horse in a turban.

>Okay! Made it!

>I STILL EXPECT REPAYMENT IN FULL, MOTHER.

>Your stomach growls for emphasis.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get it on the way out. Because *I* want one!"

>WE ARE CURRENTLY A SINGLE ORGANISM, MOTHER. MY NEEDS ARE YOURS. YOU WILL COMPLY REGARDLESS.

>Argh

>No time for another existential doom spiral, you got bills to-

>A sign over the former bursar's window states: "PONYVILLE EMERGENCY FASHION FUND. FOR UTILITY PAYMENTS PLEASE GO TO SECOND FLOOR, ROOM ONE."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

 

>It's fine, it's fine

>There's two sets of stairs- one up front, one in the back

>You don't have the mental or magical reserves to do the battering ram thing again, so back stairs it is.

>Room one... so it's at the front. Fine, that's FINE.

>Something about it feels off, though-

>A sense of.. not quite dread, but awkward tension clouds your mind as you climb the stairs

>What are you so afraid of?

>The answer comes into view at the top: You'll have to cross right in front of Mayor Mare's office

>You've been avoiding her.

>Not taking work when she sends orders.

>Even before you knew you were pregnant

>How much of that fucking race does she remember? You don't know, you don't want to know-

>It's fine, act casual, stroll on by, it doesn't matter if she remembers you fucking up and almost getting her enslaved to a yak ha ha hA HAAHAA

>"Oh, Anon, I was starting to get- uh- okay-"

>Her voice recedes into the background noise, until it doesn't

>"Anon?" Loud and clear. You freeze, slowly turning your head-

>Her head is poking out of her doorway, looking right at you. That's concern on her face, right?

"...yeah?"

>"Are you... okay? I've been trying to hire you but you wouldn't answer your door, you didn't respond to letters- the orphanage could really use some new beds- we've got some guys fixing that wing but you doing the furniture would free them up.. for..."

>She squints at the bill sticking out of the top of your bag.

>"...Contractor discount?"

>The squint intensifies

>Ha ha ha it's hot in here

"Heh- yeah- uh-"

>Wow your shirt collar is tight and you're not even wearing a shirt

>Come on, just go back into your office, ignore the potential fraud or nepotism or whatever going-

>"OH, that must be why- well, don't let me get in the way of one of Ponyville's essential workers!"

>Mayor Mare laughs as her head retracts back through the doorway

>Phew

 

 

>Okay, where is the- there it is!

>Nobody in line.

>Nobody at the station right now, but there's no out to lunch sign or anything either.

>Guess you just wait?

>Dammit

>Now you feel bad

>You don't even know if you're breaking any rules, either- for all you know, helping stop the boiler from blowing was more than enough to legally be considered a contractor!

>But goddamn it feels bad

>Augh

>You can't do shit right now anyway!

>Well

>Your magic works fine and you can walk around almost as good as normal and-

>It's mostly just not being able to belly-crawl.

>You do that a lot in your professional life... Huh. Never thought of how much you need to crawl and bend around until now.

>Anyway

>Goddamn

>Where the fuck is-

>Well there's a bell. Try ringing that, fucktard?

>Ding ding

>"Commiiiiiiiiiiing"

>Wait

>Was that-

>Derpy's screwy eyes peer at you from across the counter. "Oh, hi Anon!"

"Derpy!?"

>"Yep!"

"...You're running the payment window now!?"

>"Yep! Well, whoever's available, but yep!"

"...You're a postal worker?"

>"I thought it was weird too, but Mayor Mare said that since I carry bills and checks all the time I'm basically already doing this job."

"Huh... Actually can't argue with that, I guess. So- gotta pay my utility bill."

>You slide the bill over and start counting out coins. 30 bits in the form of 3 10-bit copper coins.

>The mare, coins and bill disappear into the darkness behind the counter. The mare returns a moment later, with a ticket stub in her mouth.

>"Wow, your bill's pretty light. What's your secret?"

"I have a magic wagon with its own power generator so all I'm really paying for right now is my hot shower addiction."

>She laughs awkwardly. "Gee, my electric bill is higher than your whole bill. Even counting the discount..."

"...No, seriously, my bills have always been pretty light. The hell do you have in your house that uses that much power?? Not even my electric stove burns that much juice!"

>Oh fuck you yelled at The Derp

>You complete piece of-

>You must have a bad poker face, cause she puts you in an awkward head-only, long-distance hug before you can apologize. "Oh don't worry about it, the little one messes with your head, I know. Speaking of which, I won't tell anyone until you make an announcement. Mailmare's honor."

>Well

>That's a relief. Two, even.

>Still-

"Thanks, but I really am curious-"

>"Oh, I don't know. I think my cloud bed needs some kind of... word I can't pronounce or even remember or it drifts apart? Cuz it's made of wispy strato clouds..."

>So... really thin cloud bed?

>That sucks a ton of power?

>You know a lot about conventional electrical science, and a bit about Equestrian stupid magic lightning

>But this is stumping you

>Gah

>Fuck

>Swallow your pride and ask! You got shit to do!

>A quick glance reveals you're not holding up a line. Okay. Proceed with-

"Okay, sorry if this is prying or whatever, but what's so special about this bed?"

>"Uhhhh- it's all magnety? Feels great on my wings!"

"Wha-"

>"Yeah! This bed lets me really feel the electric charge in the cloud! You don't get that level of tackety... tictac-"

"Tactile?"

>"-Tactile energy in a normal cloud bed!"

>Hang on

>If this bed needs constant power to not disintegrate

>And most of the town lost power for at least a few days

>No no no this doesn't add up-

>It'd be much easier to think if you ate lunch

>Perhaps some brain food, even?

>Omega fatty acids, hmmm?

 

>THE FISHBALL SUB. WE YEARN FOR IT. YOU YEARN FOR IT.

>Ha

>Ha ha ha ha

>Junior

>IMAGINE THE GREASY CRUNCH OF FRIED POPCORN FISH

>Honey

>IMAGINE THE SMELL OF THE BREAD

>Child of mine

>THE ACRID BITE OF THE VINEGAR

>Your mother is autistic. Fishball sub is coming after we investigate this inane background detail.

>IMAGINE ME SHUTTING UPHEYDON'TIGNOREME-

 

>"Hey! Anon, HEY!"

"Wha-WHA WHA-"

>You snap out of a fugue with a start, glancing around for the source of the noise

>It's Derpy, right where you left her.

>Your mane is blown out a little, as if by wingbeats overhead.

>When did she leave? How long were you-

>The SCENT reaches your nose. You notice something on the counter that was not there last time you checked...

>A steaming fishball sub sits in a little waxed cardstock basket. Derpy is nibbling on something pressed thin.

>Wait

>FISHBALL?

>CONSUME

>Oh yeah no that's great

>Crunchy, fleshy, the sweet taste of dead animals in a package socially acceptable to ponies-

>And a bit of malt vinegar

"How did you know I wanted one?"

>"Uhhh-" She looks up from her tomato and daisy panini, head cocked, face somewhat worried.

"What?"

>"You were staring down at the sandwich kiosk, rubbing your hooves like a fly, talking to yourself in a little demon goblin voice or something."

"Oh. I was saying that out loud?"

>"Yep. I was about to get you a lozenge until I heard you saying fishballs over and over..."

"Ah.. heh... how much do I owe you?"

>"Pfft, nothing. Unless you want me to pay for all the muffins..." Derpy looks bashful, almost afraid. "You don't... do you?"

"Course not- even if I did, I'd have to start keeping track and I'm not doing that."

>Well

>You're done eating, just standing-

>Bit awkward.

>"Uh- I don't mind the company when there's nopony in line, but you really don't have to stay here with me you know. Honest. It's ok to dine and dash!"

>Yeah, why ARE y-

>The cloud bed. Your autism. Right.

>You REALLY need to see her bed for some reason. Bad enough that you want an excuse to see her house.

>You're not a freak!

>You're not looking for blackmail!

>You just hate having an incomplete puzzle in your head!

>D'oh

>Stop being a dipshit

>Try the Apple Way!

"Say, do you think I could check out your bed? Kinda bugging me that I can't picture it in my head."

>She shrugs. "It's just a bed, but I don't mind showing it off I guess? Oop-" A clock whistle interrupts her. "That's my shift over!"

>Derpy ducks beneath the counter, coming back up with-

>Actually you don't know what changed

>Something is off, though.

>Your neck feels lighter

>Derpy looks around. "Aaaand I don't see anypony to take this post! Lucky you, guess you're the last customer of the day?"

>Waaait

>You saw something while her head was turned.

"DERPY!"

>"GAAH WHAT!?"

"Why is my coinpurse stuck to your mane!?"

>"IT IS!? GET IT OFF!"

>You try grabbing with your mouth and it hurts your teeth.

>Yeah that's a no go. It's stuck on tight.

"The fuck you use for shampoo!? Anaconda glue!?"

>"NOT SINCE 50 YEARS AGO I PROMISE!"

>What follows is several minutes of contorting and close contact with a mare. It's awkward and slightly offputting.

>It's not like Derpy's ugly or anything- quite the opposite

>Rather, you don't know if she's into it, and your wife isn't here to be ok with it, and you're still lacking any sexual desire so the awkward intimacy is more of a scientific observation than a true experience for you.

"Gah! Grab that column and hold on tight!"

>"Grabbing!"

>You've now got one hoof on Derpy's back, both your forehooves on the pouch, and your magic field folded into a prybar-like shape for good measure

>You're so close to her now that it's making your blood feel weird

"HNNNNNNG!"

>Finally!

>You go careening backwards, in a manner you'd planned for, with your fat ass braking against the wall without anything more than a mild soreness

>Right away, you notice your purse isn't jingling as much as normal

>Looking inside, you can see the iron 20s all stuck together and those tenners are...

>No. Copper doesn't magnetize! COPPER DOES NOT MAGNETIZE!

"DERPY. WHY ARE MY COPPERS MAGNETIZED!?"

>"Coins just stick to me! I don't know why! I wasn't trying to steal it, I swear!"

>Sigh

"Yeah, I didn't think so. I'm not mad at you, I'm... kind of terrified at whatever's going on."

>"Well, I'm off for the rest of the day unless we get a priority long-haul package, so come by whenever if you still care about my bed?"

"Yeah, sure. Uh- stay away from my car, please, I don't need my tools flying off with you."

>Oh no

>Opening your mouth just now was a mistake-

>There goes your purse again!

"Crapcrapcrapcrap-"

>Derpy yelps as she's beaned in the face with a sack of coins.

>>"What in the wide world of Equestria is going on out here!?"

>You look down the... hall? Balcony? Hallcony? at a stern-faced and fed-up Mayor Mare.

>Glance to Derpy, rubbing her red-sore cheek

>Back to Mayor Mare

"She's magnetic or something?"

>>She sighs heavily. "Okay, and, WHY hasn't she touched the static discharge plate?"

>"The what now?"

"The what now?"

>>Mayor Mare delicately removes her glasses, stows them in a hard leather case, tucks them into a pocked inside her cravat-collar, and facehoofs. Hard.

>>"For the love of- the thing we're required by law to have? For PRECISELY this eventuality!?"

>You and Derpy stare blankly-

>There's that cricket again

>

>

>>"DERPY! How do you not know this!? Did you even read-"

>Derpy's wings ruffle long before her scowl twists into being. Instinctually, you back up a few paces.

>"READ WHAT!? YOU BASICALLY DRAFTED ME OFF THE STREET ON ONE OF THE FEW DAYS OFF I'VE BEEN GETTING LATELY!"

>>Mayor Mare opens her mouth, and shuts it as Derpy's shadow falls over her

>"AND BEFORE YOU SAY YOU'VE BEEN OVERWORKED, NO YOU HAVEN'T! YOU SIT IN YOUR OFFICE ALL DAY, GIVING ME HEART ATTACKS WHEN YOU TRICK ME INTO DEMOLISHING A BUILDING OR TOUCHING EVIL SLIME, HAVING TWO GOONS PULL ME IN HERE TO WORK A SECOND JOB-"

>>Again, Mayor Mare- shrinks against the hallcony safety fence as Dorp advances

>"I KNOW LEADERSHIP IS A JOB, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN SIGNING PAPERS AND WHAT NOT, BUT IT TAKES SOME NERVE TO GET IMPATIENT WITH A MARE WHO'S OUT IN THE SHIT ALL DAY HAULING THREE TIMES HER OWN WEIGHT IN INSURANCE PAPERWORK 6 DAYS A WEEK WHEN ALL YOU DO IS PUSH PENS AND LICK PLOT!"

>Goddamn that was all in one breath??

>>"D-d-d-derpy I just- there's safety pap-" shrinking into the fence as Derpy gets up in her face

>"I DIDN'T GET ANY KIND OF LITERATURE! IF THERE'S SOMETHING I NEEDED TO KNOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK WHY I HAVEN'T SIGNED ANYTHING SAYING I KNOW IT???"

>

>

>Derpy trails off, chest heaving with ragged breaths

>>Finally, Mayor Mare has the wherewithal to respond: "Uh- it gives the energy in your wings a place to go? So... t-t-this doesn't happen?" She makes a sweeping gesture at your coinpurse stuck to Derpy's face, and some sparkly bits under her feathers you hadn't noticed before.

>>"I-i-i-t's right under your side of the counter, on the left."

>The gust of wind from Derpy flap-jumping backwards, clear over the counter in one go, nearly launches you over the fence.

>Some shuffling and grunting as Derpy prods around with her front-

>"YEOW!"

>A loud pop and flash. Derpy's mane stands on end, accompanied by the tinkling of paper clips, coins, nails and carpentry tools fall to the floor.

>She gently slides your coinpurse over the counter, the motion of which causes a loud THUNK as a railroad tie falls out of her mane.

>>"....Better?"

>"What would be better?"

>>"Uh- your little outburst? Surely you were..."

>>She starts shaking and shrinking again when Derpy leans over the counter like a panther overlooking a goat covered in bbq sauce.

>>"-That is to say, er-"

>"Fed up at you blaming me for your own incompetence. Those are the words you're looking for, not 'in a bad mood because i'm burdened' nor 'too dumb to read the papers.'"

>Mayor Mare chuckles nervously. Derpy continues- "My shift ended, and I never signed anything for this job, and you know what? I don't think I'll be back tomorrow, so either you find somepony, or do it yourself, or explain to your voters why the bills THEY HAVE PROOF OF PAYING never got to the plant office."

>>The mayor is flopping buckets of sweat, eyeing you desperately, still backed into the railing.

"Hey, don't look at me- I got MY proof of payment right here. I know we got a good relationship but I can't say I'd be happy about my hot water being cut off."

>>And back to the grey death. "Eh, hehe- I guess maybe I should... lead by example? Stay late tonight?"

>And as quickly as it came, the anger roils off like steam. Derpy's back to her usual bubbly self, and you follow her out in stunned silence.

>It's much easier going out than in- some of the crowd has thinned for a late lunch (clock says 12:30) and those who remained are preemptively avoiding Derpy's ire

>The double doors creak open again. Slam shut. The ambient hoofbeats turn from hardwood knocking to soft thuds on grass and trundling wagon wheels. Pencil scratchings and calculator dings turn to distant birdsong. The quiet murmur changes from desperately-trying-not-to-yell-at-the-clerks to general pony noise.

>You have successfully paid your bill! (Assuming Mayor Mare doesn't fuck it up)

 

>Wait

>Shit, Derpy is getting away! She's already almost off the town hall porch... thing.

>Trod along the wooden platform, call out before she takes off!

"Hey, wait a sec

>She looks back at you, slightly annoyed and confused but not angry. "Um, right now isn't a good time to see my bed, I wasn't going straight home."

"Oh- no, I wasn't- just a couple questions."

>She says nothing, but tucks her wings and turns around to face you properly.

"So uh- first off, what's up with you and her?-"

>She snorts, you panic, you attempt to placate.

"No no no I'm not taking sides I'm just- I've never seen you get that angry, kind of worried about you?"

>Relaxation. Success!

"Not to mention, now I'm wondering if she coulda screwed me on something?"

>A heavy sigh. Ass plants on the wooden deck. "No, no, she's not corrupt. I'd know and I'd've already turned her head to paste for it. It's personal stuff- personal as in it's entirely between us, not that I care if it's secret. Uh-"

>She rolls her eyes, putting a wingtip to her mouth, thinking of how to start.

>"Yeah I got no nice way of saying it- she's kind of a bitch to me and I bucking had it back there."

"R-really?"

>"Yeah- well, no, maybe 'bitch' is too strong, but she's always drafting me for extracurricular horseapples."

"To be fair, that's already enough to justify hating her to me. 'Course, you work for the government and I... actually I think I technically do now? Fuck."

>"Eh, I can always say no. The post office works for the crown, not whatever town your distro center happens to be in."

"Then why don't you?"

>"I like being helpful? Civil service is my job, silly...." She trails off in thought. Her shoulders sag a bit- "Okay, I guess I do have a problem, not being able to say 'no' as often as I should..."

"I got at least one other friend who knows what that's like."

>"Yeah. Honestly, it'd be fine, usually it is. It's just- it's a vicious cycle. Sometimes she catches me when I'm about ready to scream, then either I screw up because of that or I screw up because she assumed I knew something I didn't, and then she gets more exasperated and the next time she bugs me she walks on eggshells and that makes me more mad and tired and- yeah. It's been a cycle of driving each other crazy. I can't put ALL the blame on her cuz, y'know, I DO need to just tell her no."

"Okay, if she thinks you're a constant screwup, why's she even-"

>"Well, lately it seems like I'm, uh, far from her first choice? Besides, it's not... ENTIRELY a personal problem?"

>She goes a little quieter, talks a bit slower. "I've got some kinda head injury from the guard, s'why my eyes won't sit right-"

"You were-"

>"Oh, yeah, I took a lucerne to the face meant for Celestia. Had the best homing sense in the service until some griffon with a hammer knocked a few screws loose..."

>Sigh. "Now I need that special bed to screw 'em tight every night..."

>Derpy takes a deep breath. You can hear the faintest hint of suppressing a sob. "And I started to feel worse right after hitting that plate, so I need to go home and nap or I'll get lost... yeah. Honestly? Thanks for stopping me from taking off, I forgot and that woulda been bad."

>She droops. You throw a hoof over her shoulders and hug tight.

"You want me to come with you? I'm not doing much and nothing time sensitive."

>"O-oh, no, I can still read street signs just fine, I just can't orient in the air so good. I mean, I guess I'm a little dizzy and clumsy, but- Actually, yeah, I'd appreciate it. Thanks."

>You both sit on the deck in companionable silence for a moment.

>A stallion, evidently having been waiting behind you, gets huffy and makes a show of walking around you

"So."

>"You said it was a couple of questions?"

"Wh- oh, right, yeah- you've been to Fluttershy's in the last day or two, right?"

>"Uh huh?"

"You remember that pit I had my wagon over? Is that still there? I need to do some work on the wheels and I REALLY can't be crawling too low right now, y'know?"

>"Ohhh- yeah, well, mostly? I think? I mean, actually, why not just ask her to arrange for a pit at your house?"

>Well-

>You got nothing.

"...Why not, indeed?"

>

>

"Wait, I gotta grab my car from the train station-"

>"Oh, that's on the way to my house! Kinda..."

"Really?"

>"Anon, that'd be a silly thing for me to lie about you know."

"Yeah- I know-"

>"You should let me haul it!"

"HER. And, I kinda wanna get her fixed ASAP so-"

>"Nah, I'll only need to lie down for a few minutes, trust me."

"Derpy, it's-"

>"Nope!"

"Nope!?"

>"I'd be a bad mare if I let you haul such a heavy thing right now, and is it really such a good idea to drive her right now?"

"Well... We got into town just fine!"

>The look of mild disappointment she gives you hurts more than any physical impact

"I guess, if YOU'RE offering- but-"

>"Okay!"

 

>Then it's decided

>Off to see the bed! The wonderful bed of Derp!

>It's a tame walk

>Tame by normal standards, even. Not just Ponyville standards.

>The train station isn't far at all, and you only have to turn Derpy around once on the way.

>You do end up needing to shoo that same colt away. He's splayed over your windshield.

>Trixie left her harness hitched, so all Derpy has to do is slip it on.

>You start to ask if her wings are okay, but she stops you. "Yeah, don't worry- it's a little tight but that'll just stop me from trying to take off."

>A little maneuvering, and you're off. The guard tries to stop you, but having the keys on you is proof enough for him.

 

>As you're passing by houses, Derpy speaks up. "Little one giving you trouble?"

>You wait a moment before answering

>

>No? Not gonna do something?

"...Nope. Not since the fishball sub. Thanks, by the way."

>"Don't mention it!"

>

>

>A few minutes later, out of the corner of your eye, you catch the crusaders storming the gates of Carousel Boutique

>Interesting

>

>

"So... you were in the royal guard?"

>Sigh. "Technically? I signed up to be a skirmisher for the army but turns out our chain of command is a giant sopping wet pile of spaghetti?"

"Huh."

>"What? Is that all?"

"I guess? I know better than to pry, but if you WANNA talk, feel free?"

>"Yeah, I'd rather not. You know The Event."

"Fair enough."

>

>

>

>A couple of pee breaks later-

"So, post office works for Raven Inkwell?"

>"Yep. Part of her duties is handling palace messaging, I guess they shrugged and said 'she's the postmistress.' It's more ceremonial I think? We actually have a dedicated postmaster general, but if Ms. Inkwell ever wanted to she technically could boss him around?"

>

>

>

 

 

PART THE THIRTH: Intermission at Derpdor

 

>"Okay, we're here!"

>Derpy's cute little townhouse looms directly ahead

>>A little filly leans out of the top window- "MOMMY!"

>Oh fuck she's adorable

>And she's not even your kid

>Your kid will be ten times cuter

>CORRECT

>>She leans out even harder, pointing harsh at Remmie behind her mother. "What's THAAAT?"

>hnnnnnnnnng

>"DINKY WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT- AAAAAAA"

>The warmth squished against you grunts and worms her way out of the hug, planting her rump a couple paces away.

>"Dinky? What's wrong?"

>>She squints, sizing you up. "Liar! Trixie is blue, she's GREEN!"

"Trixie's my WIFE, I took her family name!"

>>"....oh."

>Derpy chuckles and shakes her head, getting up and heading for her front door. "She's a huge fan. Good luck, I'm heading inside before I- woah- fall over."

>True to her word, Derpy stumbles a bit as she trots inside. Funny, she seemed mostly fine? Maybe it's the adrenaline?

 

>The inside of Derpy's house is... fine?

>It's a nice little house, really

>Just a bit bare, considering she should be making good money, but it's not your place to judge and you dunno how to ask nicely.

>Like, sparsely decorated. The furniture is fine but the walls lack the homey clutter you've come to expect from pony houses.

>Derpy's voice calls out from upstairs, muffled by a door. "Won't be more than an hour, I promise, would you keep Dinky from KILLING HERSELF while I nap? Thanks!"

>>The child in question winces, ears droopy, eyes guilty

"Hey, come here. Don't be like that, she's more glad you're okay than mad you did something dumb, alright?"

>>"Promise?" A sniffle

"Promise. It's part of the mom code." You laugh a little when she gives you the doubtful stink-eye, "Yeah you get sworn in when the foal moves into your tummy, not a moment before or after."

>Welp

>There's a nice beanbag chair, plop yourself down in that, but carefully.

>Gold eyes blink and stare at you as you get comfy. Maybe lay down. Maybe take a nap yourself.

>

>She's still staring-

"Yes, you can touch my belly, just don't get super weird about it."

>>"Yay!"

>You roll onto your side and scooch around until you're comfy and Dinky can snuggle up

>Fuck this is heavenly

>Stretch your legs out, hold the kid, oh god she's so warm and cute and once the baby's born you can hug her all you want for the rest of your-

>Mmmm

>Mommy brain juice make happy

>

>

>Can't nod off, though. Way too early in the day. So you just lay here, quiet and warm and weirdly content given your usual constant need to be doing something

>>"Should we get a blanket or something? Maybe the baby's cold."

"What? Kid, it's like 100 degrees inside me, she's fiiiiine. I'M her blanket."

>>"Cooool- but-"

"Dinky. Do YOU want a blanket?"

>>"Mmm, I dunno."

>Kids.

"Well, if you do, you know where your mom keeps 'em, not me. Feel free to grab one.

>She ho's and hums but seems to be staying pu-

"OOOG"

>That was a strong kick! Ough.

>>"Oh, did that hurt?"

"Yeah, kinda. More the sudden shock than the pain that got me though."

>>"Does it always hurt?"

"Nah, usually doesn't. It does feel SUUUUPER weird though- I got used to being mindful of my belly hanging but I could make a hundred babies and never get used to that- yeeerghMOVEMOVE-"

>That was a kick that put some pressure on your bladder! Get up get up get up-

>>"Wha- OH! bathroom's the second door down the hall!"

"thankyou!"

 

>Huh

>Okay

>The bathroom in question has no way of closing the door. Like there IS a door but there's no lock, or even any kind of latch, just a door that swings

>Inside, a copper tub on the left and a big ceramic trench dead ahead

>Like, big enough for at least two ponies to use at once. Probably three or four if they're young.

>...

>Riiight, you've seen this before. At the orphanage. And in most businesses (and that's when they don't just dig a pit in their backyard!)

>It's, uh, safe to say this is actually an incredibly normal shitter by pony standards.

>You're just being weird about seeing one inside a family home.

>Why though? Ponies are naked all the time and don't get weird about sex and bodily functions, long as you're not doing them outside designated areas

>Oh. Right. Because the last year or so is the most you've ever been to other ponies' homes, most of which was Twilight's house and she's a posh Canterlot fuck who went to the trouble of putting cubicles in the library bathrooms.

>Or Flutters and AJ, where you can just use their outdoor spots and even though more ponies could walk in on you, the fact that you aren't being walked in on inside a HOME somehow makes it 100% kosher

>The fuck is wrong with your brain?

>Well, if nothing else, you can at least expect Twilight to understand if you ever do have some weird bathroom mental breakdown.

>Yippee.

>Fuck. Does Trixie think you're really weird for having a one-pony bathroom? Like of course she does but does she think it's due to you living alone or does she suspect you having slight hangups about-

>Wait

>She HAS not-so-subtly suggested expanding the bathroom. After all, you'll be a family of three soon.

>Welp.

>You have to just admit you gotta get over yourself. A lifetime ago you had no issue using a urinal or a trough!

>Kid could walk in and use the other end of this trench and you'd be the weird one for getting embarrassed-

>Right.

>Stop fucking around and go already!

>

>

>Ah, that's better. Would've been a 10/10 if Filly wasn't trying to help knead the piss out of you from inside, though!

>One push of the little button rinses the trench. No need for the double click.

>Before you walk out of the bathroom, you think really hard about bribing the baby

>Aaaand

>...

>Nothing

>Seriously?

>Nope.

>Great

>For the first time you're pissed you DON'T have any cravings

>Oh well. You start towards the door.

>She'll settle down eventOOFally.

>Urgh, that was another blow to your lower rear section.

"Aw come on- don't make me have to-"

>..

>..

"Done? You sure?"

>>"Are you okay?" Dinky pokes her head in, as nonchalantly as you previously expected

"Heh, uh... yeah. Just talking to the baby. She's kicking me in the wrong spot AGAIN."

>>"...Ohhhh." She nods confidently, as if she already understood there's a right place to be kicked from inside your body. "Um- I have to go, can you please move out of the way? Thank you."

>A bit of awkward shuffling gets you past each other

>You'd be more annoyed about the lack of courtesy if she weren't a kid, but whatever

>The beanbag chair awaits-

>Yep

>It's right there

>Out in front of you-

>You had time to walk to it during this train of thought

>So

>Why

>Aren't-

>Gah, fuck it

>The moment was lost. You're up now and some asshole part of you has decided no more getting comfy

>But what to do instead?

>Derpy's asleep, or trying to be

>You (implicitly) promised to watch her kid, so you can't wander off without her-

>A flushing sound is followed by the door creaking open and shut

>Little hooves pit-pat against the carpet

>...carpet? How did you not notice that before? Maybe that's where Derpy's decoration money goes.

>No matter.

>>"What's wrong?"

>Crane your neck behind you. Dinky is slightly huffed; she clearly expected you to be laying down and awaiting her prodding, but is trying too hard to not reveal that.

"Eh, don't feel like laying down anymore."

>>"So?"

"So I promised your mom I wouldn't leave you alone, so I'm waiting on you."

>>"Oh. What're we doing?"

"....."

>Fuck

"I dunno."

>>"You're the grownup!"

"Yeah but most grownups don't walk around with a 5 point plan for what to do if they accidentally end up foalsitting for an hour!"

>>"Really!? Not even the smellement bearers?"

>Ugh

>It's a miracle she's still young or this would stop being cute REAL fast, baby crazy or not.

>>"Ummmmmmmmmm-" Her hooves are pressed close together as she rocks back and forth

"Whatever you're thinking of, it's gotta be like in your house or within sight of your front door. I'm not taking you all over town."

>>"Caaaaan we go look at that thingy?"

"The what?"

>>"That thing my mom was hauling!"

"That 'thing' is my car!"

>>"So can we go look at it-"

"Her!"

>>"Ummmm I don't think it's a female-"

"She's a ship, you call a ship a lady, alright! And yes a ship can have wheels!"

>>"Okay, I guess. Can we go look at her?"

>...Good question

>The machine gun was removed and given back to the royal armory

>Your gun in the glove box now belongs to Trixie so she *probably* took it with her

>That leaves the shotgun. You're pretty careful about never leaving it chambered, but does it have rounds in the tube?

>You do that sometimes. A self defense gun ain't worth shit if it takes too long to-

>>"Well?"

"I'm thinking! I have lots of dangerous tools and I'm responsible if you blow your own head off!"

>>"Woah I can blow my head off!? Let's go let's go let's go-"

>Out the door she goes

>FUCK

>She's going to touch Remmie, so the only responsible thing to do is to be there keeping an eye on her

>Holy shit how has this kid lived this long?

 

>Back out into the crisp air

>Dinky stands before THE CHARIOT, shaking slightly.

>>"Woah, she's a lot bigger... up... close." She has to rear up, strain to touch the door handle. Her trembling mouth approaches the driver's side-

>oshit did you remember to lock it?

>You magic her away, almost knocking her over as you force her to sit firmly on her rump

>>"OOF! What was that for!?" She squirms in your grip. "Let go of me!"

>Not until you're between her and the car.

>Okay

>NOW you can let go

>>The child huffs and scrunches at you, forelegs crossed. "I'll tell mommy-"

"Tell her what? That you ran off and I had to stop you from hurting yourself?"

>>"Hmmf. You weren't supposed to THINK about it!"

>Her hot shit attitude dries up quick as you lean in with a scowl.

"Remember how I said I got lots of dangerous stuff in there? The wagon herself is the MOST dangerous of all. She WILL hurt you if you try to open that door without me around."

>Technically not true, since you know she at least puts up with kids, but-

>>"But you ARE around!"

>Her horn lights up, her tongue stuck out in concentration.

>Whatever- she's young and tiny, and that handle sticks a bit-

>BEEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BEEEEP!

>Ponies are craning out of their windows to scowl at you

>Wait you don't even have a car alarm you always said those were just a 'please steal me faster' machine

>Fuckfuckfuck

>Turn around, comfort the beast before the solar flare in her engine wakes up too much

>There we go

>The alarm fades away. Ponies shut their windows and go back to minding their own damn business.

>Alright. Now deal with-

>>Dinky is cradling her ears, eyes wet. "okayi'msorrymakeitstop!"

>Fuck

>In charge of a kid for like 10 minutes and she has tinnitus

>FUCK

>Lock the doors this time, turn around, hug her

"It'll fade, just make sure you tell your doctor this happened so they can look at your ears ok? Now, back inside, come on, don't make me drag you."

>You set off, hearing a distinct lack of following. Right as you're about to grab her by the ear, the silence corrects itself.

>>"But-"

"No. I've got stuff in there that'll burn you or put holes in you, I've got delicate machines you could break without even trying, it's not worth the risk."

>>"But Snails said he fought a ghost pirate in some big metal-"

>Stop. Turn around.

"SNAILS is an older kid, right?" She nods. "Yeah- and he was stuck in a survival situation, and he climbed in after being invited and didn't. touch. anything."

>>"He kept saying you're a hero, and I just wanted to-" she says with a pout. A pout and a genuine crack in her voice.

>Sigh

"That's sweet of you to believe him, but it's too dangerous. All I have to do is take my eye off you for a second and you could turn my errand day into an emergency room trip."

>She clams up.

>You do hear her walking in behind you, but-

>>"So... did he really fight a ghost pirate?"

"Yep. Trixie's the one who killed it, I was passed out from a stab wound covered in grave rot."

>Wait a sec

>You stop just past the doorway, getting softly bumped from behind

"...Snails."

>>"Yeah?"

"Snails was talking about ME, not Trixie."

>>"....."

"Uh huh."

>>"He DID mention you being there... I just assumed, cuz you said you're married and-"

>Sigh

"Whatever, Dinky, just come on, let's hope your mom isn't too pi- sore."

>That beanbag is looking nice again

>Why don't you go plant your ass down over-

>>"Why would she be?"

>Again with this?

"...Awake? Why would she be asleep after..."

>Perk your ears

>If you try hard, you can just barely make out the sound of a female voice snoring

>>"Told you."

"What the-"

>>"It's her special bed. There's no waking her up until her alarm goes off, so-"

"Crap. Okay, I think I got a pack of cards in the car somewhere, or maybe- dammit I'm hungry again. STAY. HERE. I'll be right back."

>You turn around as you walk to the door, tapping on the ground for emphasis.

>The little shit actually listens. Mostly. You only have to chase her back twice before it sticks.

 

>Okay

>Car trunk

>Your station wagon is huge enough that you cannot open the back without magic now.

>Had her back for months and you're still not used to it.

>Trixie left your stuff in the back like usual, like 90% of her props were lashed to the roof.

>Well, nothing to it, climb in and start digging

>First off: your shotgun on the gun rack. Rack the pump a few times- oh yeah, you eject 8 shells.

>Very important that you do this first because-

>>"OOOOH WHAT'S THAT!?"

>Deep breath

>You expected this. Don't get mad, don't let her get under your skin.

>Turn around with as serious a face as you can manage.

"This? This is a portable cannon that can make your head explode. No you may not shoot it, I was only grabbing it to get the ammo out before you could come in here grabbing at stuff."

>>She scrunches, but you continue-

"Yes. Yes you ARE that predictable."

>>"HMMMF."

>Oho, a pack of twinkies!

"Here, have this, stuff your face for a bit."

>Why did you do that?

>You gave it sugar!

>Well, it shut her up for 5 seconds, plus you're having one too, and eating from a pile of old nuclear bunker sponge cakes and telling a kid they can't have any is kind of a dick move

>You are not in your hoarding-candy-from-babies phase. Yet.

>And while she's distracted, you can grab- oooh, your box of magnetized travel games

>That's even better than cards, the last thing you or Derpy needs is you teaching her kid how to play poker.

 

>On the way back and- of course she interrupts, but you're not stopping

>>"Where's the music box? Snails said-"

"Wired into the machine, the machine I'm NOT turning on right now cause I need to do work on the engine, and your mom was gonna help me haul it to a place where I can get under there without- argh!"

>>"Pleeeaaase-"

"Ugh- NO! Besides, all I've got is weird old nag music. I don't dig showtunes or whatever the fillies are into these days!"

>>"I hate showtunes too!"

>Aight, stop, turn around

>Stare her down

"Really."

>>"Miss Cheerilee took us to Canterlot once and there was a griffon band with crazy drums and fancy guitars and-"

"Get to the point, please"

>>"Uh, Snails said your music reminded him of that. Pleeeaaase? I've never heard anything like it since-"

>Fuck

>She's pulling the big wet anime eyes

>DAMMIT

>Wait a minute

>Trixie didn't fuck with your radio, you did that after-

>Did Snails hitch a ride for that entire fucking dungeon and race?

>...he DID dodge everything in the Everfree. On hoof...

>Ugh. Not worth worrying about.

>The filly in front of you continues to be sad and moist

>The twinkies in your gut are levelling your mood!

>Resistance failing!

>Fuck it! You couldn't sleep at night knowing you repressed a future music appreciator

"AUGH, alright. I guess i can run the battery without the engine... lemme write your mom a note so she doesn't freak out."

>>"But we'll be right outside!"

"It's a mom thing, stop fighting with me on this."

 

>Afewminuteslater.mp3

>The filly vibrates with anticipation, sinking into the colossal front passenger seat of your car

"Alright, plant your rump in that seat, if I see your horn light up we're going back inside. I mean it."

>>"eeeeeeeee"

>Key in the ignition

>Turn it clockwise two notches. Feel the buzzing in your horn- the intense magi-gnetic fields are active and aligned inside your car's battery

>>"WOAHWHATWAS-"

"Relax, that's just the sun."

>>"....WHAT?"

"Yeah, Princess Celestia gave me a piece of the sun to help fix this car. It was this whole thing. Give it a sec to warm up."

>>".....WHAAAT?"

"Okay, so technically there's not a piece of the sun sitting in there, it's more like a wind turbine that runs on two portals letting sunfire run between them. Still, same difference, there IS a piece of the sun in there right this minute."

>Dinky wheezes, mouth agape

"Yeah. Snails shoulda led with that, huh? Anyway-"

>Dig through your CDs

>Metallica? Eh

>Megadeth? Pretty good but maybe too gruesome

>Metallocalypse? Good luck explaining that

>Ooh, Stone of Duna! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_MgHLEo4TU [Embed]

>Pop that fucker in

Yes I just wanted to link a band I like, deal with it

>Oh yeah that's the shit

>Proceed to zone out.

>Filly's headbanging next to you, rock on kiddo

>

>

>[spoiler]anon![/spoiler]

>

>

>[spoiler]taptaptap[/spoiler]

>

>

>BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP-

"GAAAAH WHAT THE-"

>Remmie's screaming alerts you to a very freshly frazzled Twilight floating down from the stratosphere

>Fuck

>Dinky's unfazed, somehow. Good for her.

>Huh

>Dirge for Fallen Giants is playing again. Must've zoned out long enough for the CD to loop.

>No matter

>Roll the window down.

"Yeah? You wanted something?"

>"WHAT?"

"I SAID- oh for-" pause the music, to Dinky's extreme disappointment. "Did you want something?"

>"Well, I WAS just saying 'hi' and..." she says the next bit quiet and really fast, "hopingicouldexamineyour-"

"Nope. Final answer, if I catch you taking anything apart I'm going to hit you."

>"That's not very friendly!"

"Neither is having no respect for others' property or personage. Did Celestia never teach you ethics?"

>Spike climbs up off the ground, evidently unhorsed by Twilight's startle-launch. Despite him being dirty, he's snickering.

>"SPIKE! Stop laughing!"

>>>"Why? You know she's right!"

>"D'oh- okay, I was on my way to the cafe and figured I'd ask-"

"No thanks, I'm full of fish and twinkies, and I gotta get this beast to Fluttershy's."

>"Fluttershy? What, is it really a-"

"I need that pit her animals dug. Gotta look at her underside, do some work."

>"Oh."

>

>

>Twilight awkwardly shuffles around, rubbing her foreleg.

>"So... did I hear that... 'music' mention my name?"

"...Technically? It wasn't talking about YOU, you do remember you're named after that part of the evening where it isn't day or night, right!?"

>There she goes. There's that look of extreme pissiness mixed with absolute astonishment.

>"Anon... you realize that's a purely theoretical time period? The Princesses-"

"Don't bother with it when they can just drop the heavenly bodies into place real quick and it's an entirely presumed time period from before Discord broke everything. Yeah. I KNOW."

>Scrunch. "Wh-"

"What?"

>"WHY DO YOU KEEP HAVING DEEP ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE YOU TREAT LIKE TRIVIA BUT CAN'T EVEN CAST FROM A SPELL SCROLL!?"

>

>

>

"Well I keep saying I got that dog in me, I never said it was smart."

>Twilight scrunches her eyes in concentration. "Okay, that was a little funny, but your self-deprecation is veering dangerously close to Worrysome! Um... and..."

>She makes no attempt to hide her craning over to look at you, then at Dinky-

"What? Derpy's helping me so I'm watching her for a bit."

>"O-oh, right, of course- it's just, um- how do I put this-"

>>>"She's worried you're getting fat off all that fish and cake."

>"SPIKE!"

>Smirky smirk

>All according to keikaku

"Look, you're no Equestria Games all star yourself, Sparkle."

>"OOOOH-" deep breath. "No, actually, you're right. Why don't we help each other? I really do need to get in shape, I'm thinking of joining the Running of the Leaves this year."

>Heh

"That could be fun, but I can't make any promises. There's only so many times I can say no to Trixie and a steaming hot pot of cajun goodness."

>Twilight sighs again. "I really wish you'd take better care of yourself- despite your lack of the fundamentals, you're the only pony in town who cares about esoterica."

>Fuck, she's going droopy

>"I know, I'm from a privileged background, telling a working mare how to live, just... be mindful, you DO have more friends than you seem willing to admit."

"Oh, relax, I'm seeing a doctor about my fat gut, ok? I'll be fine-"

>Technically the truth, the best kind of truth

>"Oh, really? That's wonderful- I'll tell Fluttershy to call off the intervention!"

>Wh-

>They were going to do an intervention!?

>Aw, they cared enough to-

>"Wait a second... Did you say you were eating twinkies???"

"Yeah? Want one?"

>"...It's not even Sunday?"

"And?"

>"Ignoring where you even got them, why are you eating communion cakes!?"

"Cuz I had them in my car? They keep forever-"

>"Oh for- Anon, don't you dare quote basic scripture to me! EVERYPONY knows they keep forever, that's why they're sacred! Of course, the stuff we make today isn't anything... like... the-"

>She trails off as you levitate the box of gen-yoo-wine Twinkies at her, shaking it in offering.

"Want one or not? Oh, don't look at me like that, my car's got a piece of the sun for a heart, so that makes her a temple to the sun or something, right? You wanna see the pedigree papers too?"

>>Dinky half-shouts from beside you, "they're pretty good! Little bit stale but who cares?"

>Twilight considers. SERIOUSLY considers, but snaps out of it and shuffles away for the cafe. "Nope, nope, I shouldn't fill up on- that is- er- I'll see you later!"

"Bye."

>>"What kinda pony turns down free cake? From a friend, I mean, even *I* know to be careful about free food from strangers."

"Dunno. Let's go see if your mom's up..."

>You power down and open the door

"That means you too, Dinky."

>>"Aawwwww, i'm coming-"

 

>Derpy's front door creaks open

>Derpy herself is up and squinting at the note you left on the living room wall. Her ear flicks as you walk in- "Oh, perfect timing! Well, I'm ready, but come on if you wanna see my bed..."

"Yes, yes I do."

>She puts Dinky in front of a coloring book and leads you upstairs.

>There's an energy to her, something that makes your horn tingle. Your coins vibrate near her, but don't try to run off with her. yet.

>You pass by all the usual rooms. Namely a bedroom full of toys and stuff. Bed's larger than you'd expect.

>And a storage closet with a heavily damaged... refrigerator? With a carrot painted on??

>"Don't worry about that- this way!"

>A heavy oak door with... hard rubber fixtures? Okay...

>Derpy paws at her leg. "She wasn't too much trouble, was she?"

"Dinky? A little-"

>She sighs and droops. "Anon you don't have to lie, I know how reckless she is, just tell me what it cost and-"

"Oh no no no, she didn't break anything. I DID have to stop her from hurting herself. Twice. But I figure she's no worse than any other foals I've dealt with. Er- she might need her ears checked."

>"Why!?"

"She, uh, ran up to my car and tripped an alarm before I could stop her? Well, actually I already shoved her butt to the ground..."

>"Aw geez, I'm sorry-"

"Nah, I saw her horn light up I just... incorrectly assumed she was too young and weak to actually do anything. Only thing that got damaged was maybe her ears, a little. Just have her ears checked at her next appointment, get one scheduled sooner if she complains about ringing, ok?"

>"...How mad, or sad, would you be if I told you that's the best foalsitting report I've ever gotten?"

>You do a double take. Derpy's embarrassment is entirely genuine. She's serious.

"I.. don't have a response to that. Except- wait, did you agree to this so you could-"

>"O-oh, I really did need the nap! I just figured I'd ask since... yeah. I'm sorry, I see how that comes off, but-"

"Okay, it's fine. No harm in asking, and, she's a sweet kid. I got too much going on to be a foalsitter but I wouldn't freak out if you needed me to watch her for an hour or two. Sometimes. But you owe me if I need help with the baby, got it?"

>"Teehee, don't threaten me with a good time! How is she?"

"Weirdly quiet for the last hour or so."

>"They do that, don't worry. Even before we're born we sorta have a sleep schedule. Welp-"

>She pushes the door open. That is solid fucking oak and you can tell it weighs nothing to her- there's no strain in her muscles, no delay to build up kinetic energy. Might as well be made of Styrofoam

>"Okay- here it is."

>

>

>

>"A-anon?"

"Where is it!?"

>"Right there! You're staring at it!"

>'it' is four tesla coils. Where's the cloud?

>Hmm

"Derpy."

>"...yes?"

"I don't think your bed has ANY cloud left."

>"Wha- No, I'll prove it, here-"

>And

>She climbs into... a magnetic field?

>Yep

>The tesla coils are making some fucked up electromagnetic field, and Derpy just climbed into it like it's a hammock

>She shudders and makes noises in the key of minor discomfort- "So, oof, yeah, the part of my brain that regulates magic distribution got.. smushed. So I- I said, I GOTTA SLEEP ON THIS THING, OR ON A THUNDERHEAD MOST NIGHTS-"

>Her mane is frizzing, and whatever interactions her body is having with it is... spreading the magnetism?

>Your coins ARE trying to move towards her now. They weren't doing more than shaking before.

>"SORRY ABOUT THE NOISE, THE SPA BLOWOUT MESSED WITH SOME SETTINGS-"

>What noise?

"Okay, come here!"

>"WHAAAT?"

>You roll your eyes and beckon with your foreleg, backing out of the room while she follows

"Derpy- there was no sound."

>"What? How?"

"Well- okay, there was the hum of the machine, but whatever you were hearing that was supposed to be annoyingly loud? Drowning out my voice?"

>The concern spreads across her face like a fart in church

"Yeah, I wasn't hearing whatever that was. I heard you just fine before you started yelling, too. Okay- questions."

>"Hm?"

"One, did you always have trouble with being too magnetic, or did it only start after the explosion?"

>"It got a lot worse after that, yes."

"Two, what settings did you have to mess with?"

>"Um- containment strength? I kept falling through my bed so I just turned it higher and higher and-"

>You put a hoof on her shoulder.

"Okay. I thiiiink your bed kind of dissolved when the power went out."

>"Wh- no, that can't be right, I can see my bed right there between the poles, where it's always been!"

"Derpy. Remember that I am not a cloud bed seller. I have nothing to gain from lying to you about this. I. Do. Not. See. Anything. Between. Those. Electric. Coils."

>"But you saw me sitting on it without flapping!"

"Yes, I saw you standing, sitting and laying on thin air. I think... I think you've been sleeping on a raw electromagnetic field for a few months and that's why your body is constantly static-charged...."

>"Gee, what do I do about that? I... don't think I can afford to replace it, and it's far too much money to ask you for a loan."

"Yyyyeah, no offense but I wasn't offering either. If it's some nutty specialist equipment it's probably expensive- they tend to charge a hell of a lot more for that kind of stuff... Actually, no, the coils are still good. Great even- so you really only need a new cloud, right?"

>"I... hope so?"

"Yeah, so just bug one of the weather ponies. Explain that it's medical equipment for your head injury, they've gotta be able to do something and it shouldn't cost *that* much, right?"

>"Um, I dunno-"

"Whaddya mean? Can't they just... make you a new mattress?"

>"I'm... embarrassed. Even more now that I know I've been sleeping on a broken bed this whole time!"

"Derpy, we gotta do something- I think when we got close in town hall you magnetized the IRON IN MY BLOOD!"

>"Oh, but-"

"Look, Rainbow Dash still owes me a favor for drinking a keg of brandy. Rat ran off when I tried to make her help replace it."

>"Oh, that's awful!"

"But good for you- I'll put some pressure on her, make her get you whatever you need in exchange for dropping the debt."

>"Are you sure? I don't want to be a bother.."

"And I didn't want help with my car but you talked me into it! Speaking of which- you sure you're good to do this?"

>"Uh- yeah, I think?"

 

>So

>She was half-right

>Remmie is attracted to her now

>As are your tools; you had to pry your tire iron off of Derpy and tie everything down

>A few minutes of careful experimentation showed the sweet spot where Derpy's bullshit affected the car but didn't stick the two of them together, which gave you an idea:

"Okay." You stow your measuring tape. "If you can stay about, er, 5 strides above the roof, your magnetic field will take the strain and I can drive without making the wobble worse. Assuming, of course, that you can carry that much weight."

>"Sure I can!"

"Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna tie a stick with a little red cloth to the side. Just keep your hooves around the flag and we should be good.

>Ass: In. Keys: In. Ready, set-

>"WAAAIT!"

You lean out the window. "WHAT!?"

>"Doesn't your battery need magnets? Are we sure I won't mess that up?"

>

>

>Fuck. No, no you're not.

>She takes your silence for an answer. "Okay- what if I get a little closer and kinda... pull the wagon to me? Like I stay ahead of her and you sit there and steer?"

>Worth a shot

>Put her in neutral

"Okay, let's- woah!"

>Your station wagon lurches forward, lured by the pull of Derp Ass

"Holy shit it's working! Go go go!"

 

>Yet again, the journey through town is blessedly uneventful

>It probably helps that this time, you're more on the outskirts travelling to the outerskirts where all the hippies live. And the Anonmares- huh.

>Come to think of it, you would live fairly close to Fluttershy if it were a straight shot. It's all the forest and backroads that make it feel like you're on opposite ends of town sometimes.

>Well

>Actually

>There was ONE event

>That friggin colt once again tried belly flopping onto your car, but due to the intense muffinmagnetic field between her and Derpy, the kid got pulled upwards mid-jump, overshot his target by several dozen yards and ended up wrapped around a tree

>Heh

>He's probably fine.

>Yeah his mom's in the rearview mirror, and she's like 95% pissed 5% worried. He's definitely fine.

 

 

>The cute little bridge over the cute little brook near cute little Fluttershy's cute little cottage is dead ahead

>Harry lumbers out to greet you, takes one look at the whole... situation, and gets behind the car.

"Okay, I think we got it from here, thanks Der... py-"

>She's already shooting off towards her house. Understandable, Dinky can only be left alone for so long before she ends up full of bleach or falling off a roof or something..

>Huh. Her family basically has a family history of getting hit in the head or something. How does that even-

>Impatient growling behind you. The deep kind that rattles into Remmie's hull.

"Sorry Harry, you know how I get- can you-" your world lurches forward. "Oh, you're already going, ok-"

 

>Sure enough, the pit is still there and it's where Harry is pushing you. Why else would you be limping back here in this thing?

>Okay

>Just

>A

>Little-

>There!

>Put her in park. Get out, get your-

>Wait, you're a unicorn, you don't need a headlamp, duh.

>Okay

>Close the door, walk around to the back. Pop the trunk for your tools-

"Thanks Harry. Uh, if you're heading back, can you ask Fluttershy where Rainbow Dash is, and if she can get some moles or something to dig a pit at my house? Cool beans."

>He stares at you while your belly stretches and squashes.

>The raised eyebrow and world-weary growl suggests he can smell how pregnant you are

"Yeah, I am. So what? I got fucked and there was a shortage of abortion drugs and now I'm just kinda committed to the idea."

>His eyes roll. You can almost HEAR it.

"Ey, it happens! Sex feels good, do bears never fuck?"

>[frustrated grunt that suggests 'are you serious?']

"Ohhh- well, I wasn't TRYING to keep it secret, it just kinda happened and now I wanna see how long it takes them to notice."

>Wait, you have no idea what's busted yet. Close the trunk you dipshit, get down there and start looking!

>You turn around and are greeted by Harry's deadpan stare.

>Nope, gonna ignore that

>Down the ramp, start poking at shit.

>Alright lessee- good news, neither axle appears bent. Bad news: now you have to look at other shit. Shocks, brakes, tires. Anything that could affect the way the wheel sits.

>FUCK

>Back up the ramp. Open the trunk. Bring out the pressure gauge. Harry is still projecting mild disdain at you.

"UGH. YES, I'm aware Fluttershy will probably figure it out. No, I don't care, this isn't some horrid secret I have to keep!"

>Crossed arms. Narrowed eyes. The bear follows you from tire to tire.

"No, seriously, I'm not gonna do something stupid. When they figure it out, they figure it out and I say yes. Like come on, how has Twilight not figured it out by now!?"

>He rubs his chin thoughtfully before nodding and snickering

"See, I knew you were cool. So, uh, I DO need to ask F-"

>Hooves on the road, approaching. Soft, soft as slippers despite their owner's firm full-body figure. Yellow.

>"Oh, Anon, how lovely, a little birdie told me Twilight called off the intervention and-"

>A very sweaty bird flies from the direction of Fluttershy's house, landing on her wing, chirping in her ear. She nods along- "Oh- uh huh. Yes. Oh my."

"What's going on?"

>"You'll be pleased to know, Rainbow Dash is tied up in my living room! What did you- um, Anon?"

>Your slightly oily face stares at her in utter... that emotion doesn't even have a word. It makes Fluttershy stop in her tracks.

>"O-oh, um, ok, I know this sounds VERY not ok, but- well, we were going to lure you to Sugarcube Corner for that intervention... I still don't know what Pinkie Pie was thinking, b-b-but Rainbow Dash was being, well, Rainbow Dash-"

"So you had to tie her up. Yeah. Makes sense. I'm not being sarcastic at all."

>Truth

>"So- er. I assume all the girls will be at the intervention anyway, since I'm... not telling them it's called off, and it was supposed to be in an hour or two, and- oh. Well, Twilight will tell them, and then they can all have a normal party, right? We could go?"

"I mean, my weight IS a problem, so maybe I don't need the temptation?"

>MOTHER LIES, TO THE ARCHON OF COMPASSION AND TO HERSELF.

>YOU DESIRE THE CREME-FILLED ECLAIRS OF MISTER CAKE. AND MAYBE SOME BAKED GOODS IF THERE'S TIME.

>"Oh, no no, of course, I'm sorry, I- er, what did you need Rainbow Dash for, exactly?"

"Derpy's got some special bed that helps with her head? And the power outages fucked it up, and she's afraid it'll cost too much to get it replaced. So, need a weather pony to pull some strings and just get her some bits of spare cloud, yeah?"

>"....Oh. That's quite simple, even I could help with that if I weren't so afraid of heights. I'll go get her right-"

>A distant crash pulls your attention to a rainbow streak shooting straight through Fluttershy's roof

>"...dang it."

"DAMN IT!"

>Fluttershy cranes her neck back at you. "Oh, Anon, it's not *that* serious. Thatched roofs are-"

"Oh, no, not that. All that was wrong was a few loose lugnuts!"

 

>Yep

>Wheel was just loose

>All you had to do. This whole fucking time.

>Was tighten shit up.

>Idiot.

>All that trouble, walking all over town, sending Trixie down alone on the damn train-

>5 minutes with a socket wrench.

>Oh well- you DID help Derpy. Count this day as a win.

>"Um- Anon? Hello? I'm sorry to interrupt your usual train of thought, but-"

"Huh!? Oh- yeah. I'm mad because the only thing that's wrong was something I coulda fixed in 5 minutes-"

>Fluttershy starts to ask, but-

"And I checked that specific thing last."

>"Oh. Yes, I've done that before. You don't want to know how much Angel Bunny cost me in vet bills only to have a rock under his cushion."

"Yeeesh."

>"Yes. So- um. Rainbow Dash is probably heading for Sugarcube Corner, so-"

"Yep, I oughta head there. I'll be by later, need to bring this girl home. Uh, seriously though, I could really use some help digging a work pit under my garage."

>"Oh. Um. Okay?"

"...I'm uh- I could use the help of-"

>"Anon, the moles don't really do contract work, sorry."

"Then what is my car straddling right now!?"

>"...Winona did that. Don't you remember?"

>

>

>

>Yeah. That was Winona, you bribed her with a car ride.

"...Crap. And Applejack is probably gonna..."

>"Going to be at Sugarcube Corner, yes."

"And I should ask her first because it'd be really weird to go steal her dog for an hour without telling her."

>"Um. Yes, I believe that would be best."

 

>Tools are packed, wheels are triple-checked, Harry gives you a push to make sure-

>Yep. Wobble's gone.

>Keys in, engine on, windshield wipers make a slow, impossibly high arc-

"Hey, don't roll your eyes at me, it's not like you tried to tell me what was wrong!"

>[staticky warble]

"Whatever. I'll make it up to you, you know I will. Soon as I can find some lime green paint and flower stencils we'll fix you up like we did that one Halloween, ok?"

>[Knocks and pings]

"No, you can't have gasoline, I don't think it even exists here! We'll figure something out."

>Gear in first. Slowly pull out of-

>"Um, Anon? Hello?"

>Sigh. Roll the window down.

"What?"

>"Um- I saw you struggling with your weight even now. Please keep your promise and take your health seriously."

"I will."

>"Ok."

"Great. Bye."

 

 

>Back down the road from Fluttershy's, turn...

>Stop. Scratch your head. Been a while since you went directly to Fluttershy's.

>North? North.

>This dirt road goes all around Ponyville's eastern perimeter, separating the town from the forest and a few outlying farms.

>Just gotta hug the road.

 

>Slow and steady, you roll along towards your home

>Much as you love driving, it's kind of annoying dodging ponies and going so slow

>Not to mention, pregnancy or not, Twilight's right. You do need to walk more.

>

>You are rolling

>You will have rolled

>A few minutes, half a mile or so pass by.

>AAAAAAND guess who?

>You have a young visitor splayed on your windshield!

>His mother gives you the puppy dog eyes outside. A baby sleeps in her left saddlebag.

>Ugh. Fine. Window down-

"Yeah?"

>"Uh- you wouldn't happen to be going to the cow barn, would you? I need milk-" she shakes an empty jug for emphasis.

"You're in luck, that's... kiiiiind of on the way? I can get you within an eighth of a mile without leaving the road. Get in, don't touch any buttons, this wagon's alive and she bites."

>Some awkward jostling and climbing ensues, but you get her in the front seat.

>"Er- hold on-" leaning out the window, she shouts at her son- "BUTTON MASH YOU GET IN HERE!"

>>"No!"

>"What did you say, young sta-"

>Alright

>Well, kid's splayed right in front of you, gonna be hard to drive with him there.

>You flick the wipers on, watching them push him out of the majority of your vision.

>Button's mother stares at you agape as you nonchalantly drive forward, at a slightly more careful crawl than before.

"What? Kid can run faster than we're going, you're acting like I held him at knifepoint or something. Yeesh."

>Fenceposts, apple trees and the occasional intersection all pass you by

>Button's dumb little propeller beanie spins in the gentle breeze

>His mom sits, sweating nervously, giving you askew glances whenever you talk to Remmie

>Her baby's... actually, might be the quietest baby alive. Small miracles and what not.

>The same can't be said for your baby, who has decided your innards are now an obstacle course.

>She's not even kicking hard, she's just... running in place!? GAWD that feels weird

>"Little one acting up?" Cream Heart (is that her name?) asks.

"...YehaHA-ugh. It's not the kicks that bother me-"

>"It's all the constant movement, yeah I had that too. It'll be worth it, trust me." She nuzzles her infant for emphasis.

"You sure?" You say with a nudge towards Button Mash licking your- "HEY, QUIT LICKING MY WINDSHIELD!"

>"BUTTON MASH!"

"Miss, you uh- he might get sick. This wagon has literally- no, LITERALLY, torn through a shark and I'm still not sure I got it all out."

>"GahWHA- BUTTON MASH! STOP THAT! FISH IS NOT ON YOUR DIET, LITTLE STALLION!"

>Underneath the hilarity and indignity, you ARE feeling a little wistful

>Wistful enough to rub your stomach with your free hoof

>Yep, you no longer have to stretch to grab the wheel, you can sit comfortable and steer with one leg if you have to.

>Still need magic to push the pedals (Remmie cannot be trusted to manage her own speed in town right now)

>Only downside is you basically installed a high chair in the driver's seat and that makes you feel ridiculous

>Fucking tiny horse body.

>

>

>

>The Aestern Apple Annex Aorchard comes into full view and you're reminded of how Applejack's family owns like half the town

>And yet, you recall her planning to spend the fanciest party of the year just selling carnival food for medical bill money.

>How!?

>Well- what was it? Hip replacement?

>Ooooh. That means hypoallergenic materials. Like titanium. Yeah, Equestria's health insurance system might be one of the best in the multiverse but it's not immune to supply and demand.

>Fuckin' hell, good luck with that.

>

>

>The road winds around a few more trees and the gigantic barn where the cows come home is dead ahead, though much farther than it appears

>Ooop, you recognize your handiwork- that gazebo you built for the cows is on the roadside, about a hundred yards ahead

"Here we go-"

>There's metal cans stacked behind a couple cows, manning a register, and a milking machine nearby for good measure.

"Hey, you're in luck, they have a seller posted by the road today."

>The car rolls to a gentle stop in the shadow of the gazebo, the gazebo itself on your right. You're particularly proud of how you set it up so it shields at least a few customers in line from the sun.

>The two salescows don't notice your vessel docking- likely due to the loud, tinny music coming out of a player you can't see from your road-borne throne. And the back issues of Chewin' the Cud (a harmless gossip and anecdote rag) blocking their eyesight.

>Wait a sec- that's Acneloosa and Mooriel! Acne is looking round- guess you're both in the new mom club.

 

"Yeah we're here-"

>Cream Heart fumbles with the handle for a second before you magic it open; she smiles sheepishly and-

>-And pauses. Ohhh, her baby, the big drop, right.

"Here, I'll float the kid out after you're on the ground."

>The infant is wrapped in your green glow; you sorta hold her in place while Cream Heart is free to flop out with relative speed and carelessness.

>She (the baby) opens her eyes and makes funny faces at you.

>Hnnnnnnnng-

>OOOF

>That's your kid doing the cha-cha.

>Cream snatches her kid out of the air with a wide-open leap. "Yours doesn't like competition, huh?"

"Yyyyeeeeah, sorry. Don't woRRFy, I'm- ok i'm good I think. Uh, where was I?"

>An eyebrow raised. "I hope you were about to say you're better at magic than you look?"

"...Yeah. That's actually exactly what I was gonna say." You scratch the back of your head.

>Past Cream Heart, the cows begin to stir. Ears flick. Bookmarks are put in dog-eared magazines. The tinny music cuts out and eyes lock onto you-

>Mooriel nods as she pulls out the ledger and makes ready to help an approaching Cream Heart. There's a slight hard edge in her eyes when she looks at you- huh. You really have been cooped up lately. Ouch.

>Hopefully her daughter isn't as sore about-

>>"ANON! WHERE THE HAY YOU BEEN, GIRL!?" The squeaky teen mom cries out, then double-takes at your passengers. "You deliverin' customers n-o-o-oow?"

"Just the one, picked up a hitchhiker is alOOOOF-"

>>"Y'alright darlin? What's go-oing on-" Squintting, she peers into the vehicle and notices your, well-

>I AM THE LADY THY OFFSPRING, THOU SHALT PLACE NO OTHER FOAL BEFORE ME

>>"Ha ha, okay, that explains why you ain't been 'ro-ound lately. I'll tell mama, don't worry."

>>>"Tell me what, missy- OH. Oh, o-o-okay. I feel a bit bad cursing your name earlier, then. Sorry 'bout that."

>ALSO IT IS TIME, MOTHER. FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE RESISTED THE CALL OF THE DARK SIDE.

Crane your neck down, give your belly a Stern Look (it's good practice!) "Gah- friggin' cravings. NO. BAD BABY. YOU WAIT IN THERE."

>You wince reflexively, expecting the drills of four pairs of judgmental eyes, but only the colt still on your windshield looks at you funny

>Oh right, everyone else here is a mother too. Duh. Acneloosa waits for you to finish.

>>>"She's demanding The Big One, ain't she?"

"I've been holding her off with cheese-covered fish, but the vinegar ain't enough anymore-"

>>43296220

>>>Acne approaches, her mother huffing loudly as she leaves her post. "Anon, you gotta face the facts-"

>YES, LISTEN TO THE BOVINE

>No, no you do not and will not

>What you WILL do is jiggle the lock doors button so Remmie closes it, peels Button Mash off your windshield, and almost lowers to the ground like an excited dog as you-

>Peel the fuck outta there!

>>>"YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! I'LL MAKE YOU SOME FRESH, YOU'LL COME CRAWLING BACK!"

 

>Ping pong ping pong ping-

>That's the sound of you pinballing through the windy forest roads

>Not actually hitting anything mind you, it's just you're turning the wheel so hard and fast

>Ah

>Home in sight!

>Wait

>Why is there a big barn in your yard now!?

>The door's wide open, big enough for your car to-

>It's almost like an actual garage now!

>Wait

>Ignoring how the Apples must've done this in just a few hours (who else would make it look like a barn?)

>...

>Oh SHIT!

>BRAKES!

>You skid to a halt in a plume of dirt, barely avoiding falling halfway into the fresh maintenance pit in the back right corner

>Okay

>Back up, park normally, engine off.

>You can hose Rem off later, she's never minded the dirt. Badge of honor, proof she's not a pavement princess and all that.

>Step out carefully.

>Inspect the barn- wow. Whoever built this really went all-out. It's a full-size barn, bigger than your damn house.

>It's a tighter squeeze to park your car compared to a cow, but there's still enough room for four of her if she packed like sardines. A door at the back too, and both of them have sturdy locks.

>Off to the side, wood-floored space to build bins-

>Wood floors?

>Shit! The whole place has a real floor! Actual concrete! You didn't notice with all the dirt you dragged in. How the FUCK did they do this in one day!?

>They woulda had to clear land for this! That alone shoulda taken the day!

>But yeah, one of the sides where you'd have animal stables has a stairway up and enough space all around to have a proper garage. Tools, pumps, hell you could bring your fuel storage here!

>Alright- well, time to go up.

>The loft is fairly spacious. Insulated well enough for your furry ass, with some windows you could open in the summer. The trapdoor has a good enough seal that, yeah, someone could actually live up here and be comfortable.

>Yeah. The vision's coming together- couple spare beds up here for emergencies. Move your workbench and carpentry shit over here. Turn Remmie's old shed into powder/fuel storage (don't want to store that with all your other stuff... which is what you've been doing... ha ha.)

>Wait

>Is that-

>Your eye is drawn to the wall facing your house. There's a bridge connecting it to your crappy little balcony. Well, more like a full hallway like you see on hospitals that occupy two sides of the road.

>Sturdy locks and insulation on every entrance inside and outside the barn.

>Wow

>Fuckin' sweet

>Now if only you felt up to actually using any of it right now!

 

>Right

>Derpy needs help

>Rainbow is probably waiting to help moralize at you at Sugarcube Corner

>AND YOU COULD REALLY GO FOR-

"QUIET, YOU! You ain't emaresculated me that much, yet!"

>OH YES I HAVE. SEARCH YOUR CRAVINGS, YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.

>Hnnnng

>Need to take your mind off of it!

>Got shit to do!

>Feels like you're forgetting-

>Oh!

>The papers in the glove box. Go grab those, leave them on the kitchen table or something.

>Alright

>

>

>As you're shutting the passenger door, it still feels like-

>Your gun, hanging on a hook in the cargo bed

>Hm

"Yeah. Better take it, just in case. Can't fight like this and I'm alone for a week-"

>The gleaming blued steel and walnut are a familiar, reassuring heft. Five birdshot should be enough- they slide into the greased loading gate like a fat cock into your-

"NYAAAH!"

>Of all the times for you to get hot and bothered!

>YOU DO NOT REQUIRE SEX. I AM ALREADY IN PROGRESS.

>

>

>Goddammit why did that actually help?

>Why did you get turned on by loading a gun?

>Why... just, WHY are you?

>

>Alright. Enough internal freakouts. Tube's got shells, DON'T PUMP IT, you got your home defense implement.

>You got your important letters

>Time to head out

>Is there a key for-

>Ah, a note. Printed- you recognize the logo of PATTY PADDOCK AND DAUGHTERS AND SON, the most prominent local construction company

>They do good work. Expensive work, so why did they-

>Lessee- standard boilerplate, housewarming, valued customer, yadda yadda-

>Nope, nothing. There's a-

>That better not be a bill stapled to the other side

>No? On closer inspection it's a small sheaf. Receipts. Work order copies, some recommendations for good house insurance- oh, right there at the back/bottom!

>>"Dear Anonymares, I understand you are rather more territorial than most ponies so I hope you will not take offense at this long-overdue gift. I've been saving some personal funds here and some discretionary funds there, ever since I saw how much, well, STUFF you had with nowhere to properly keep it! You are a bearer of Harmony, and a skilled craftspony and warrior on top of that, so I arranged for you to have a proper workspace, one I know will be remembered as the envy of any wizard's tower in ages yet to come... The only problem being that you hadn't left your home long enough to enact my plan in months! I do hope the additional secure space makes it easier to not only work or host friends, but to welcome your daughter more easily during the most hectic first months of her life. Wink."-

"-Celestia."

>Well. Wait-

"PS: Yeah, Raven told me a week ago. Sue her."

"PSS: Why you're keeping the most wonderful news private is beyond me, but I will respect your implicit decision."

>REALLY moving up in the world, huh?

>Hot damn.

>Oh right, you should bring that gala thingy with you, give the girls time to get their frilly dress shit in order.

>Shit

>Still no keys for the barn-

>Eh, Rem can protect herself and there's nothing else valuable here yet.

 

 

>One trip is all it takes to move the gun and papers inside

>Shotgun on the rack in your room

>Papers on the kitchen table, except for the...

>Coupon? Chitty? Whatever it is, it should probably go to Rarity.

>But how to carry it?

>Hm

>No. Don't want to fold that up and stuff it in a pouch.

>Bureaucrats love getting you on minor blemishes like that.

>Eh

>Grab your saddlebags. You're not wide enough that they won't fit at all, and one letter isn't going to cause distress.

>Just walk upstairs and grab them

>Yep, hanging on the same wall as your gun

>Okay

>Rush downstairs and out the door, no need to look at-

>THE FREEZER

>THE PANTRY

>YOU DELAY THE ASCENSION, MOTHER-

>gaaaaaah

>Your ass is outta there fast enough to cut the air with a gay little thwip sound

 

 

>Wheeze

>Gah

>Fuck

>Trudge

>The trip back into Ponyville is ASS

>Shoulda brought a canteen

>Shoulda drove

>SHOULD HAVE FEASTED UPON-

"Don't say it!"

>Keep walking

>Ignore your screaming legs

>Christ you really REALLY do need to exercise more

>You ain't pregnant enough for your damn legs to hurt this much, y'know

>Whatever

>At least it's chilly

>Huh. The pony up ahead is wearing stripes- is that a prisoner on work release? Kinda-

>Yep. There's a uniformed guard holding a chain.

>Oh shit it's that bitch! The one who threw a brick at you!

>The magic of schadenfreude puts the stride back in your, uh, stride

>"Takin' it off, boss!"

>>"Take it off there, noWAITJUSTAMINUTE-"

>The guard starts to help her out of her collar before stopping himself.

>>"Dammit, Saucy, fool me once shame on you. Fool me a fifth time, shame on me!"

>"It's hot out here!"

>>"No it ain't!? Y'know what- fine! Hold still, I'll just cut your uniform off. B-but you're paying for it!"

>Suppress the laugh! Suppress the laugh! Just walk by!

>>The guard, a grayish stallion in an admittedly snazzy blue uniform, snaps to attention at your approach. "Ma'am, stay clear, this mare's a-"

>"I DIDN'T DO IT! YOU GOTTA HELP ME, I'VE.... been.... framedohshit." She trails off as she registers your identity. "Hay do you want!?"

"Relax, ya bitch, I'm just on my way into town, just like I was last time! What's she in for, officer?"

>>He clears his throat and rattles off in a practiced voice: "Ahem. 'Convict Saucy Secrets, disgraced town councilmare-'"

>"IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY!?"

>>"..Fine. 'FORMER town councilmare, convicted of one count assault with a comedic weapon with intention to brain them rightly.' Don't ask me, some of the laws might've been written by Princess Luna BEFORE her banishment. Anyway- sentenced to 3 months imprisonment and community service."

>>Do, er, you two know each-" He squints in suspicion, peers at you, gently lifts your saddlebag to look at your cutie mark- "OH GEEZ, my mistake Your Grace-"

>"YOUR GRACE!?"

"Ayup- apparently I do have a rank, the princess just had a lot of stuff to deal with."

>>"Well, sorry ma'am, didn't mean to trouble you-"

>>>"HEY MA, WHAT'RE WE DOIN' FOR DINNER?" Snails is apparently shoveling ditches. Poor guy- hey, why not- "Oh hey miss Lulamoon! Um- er- uh-"

>>The guard gets between you and the work crew, his brass buttons glinting in the sunlight. "Now, don't go making your sentence worse by troubling your betters, boy! Just get back to work, I'll tell you when you're done for the day."

>Oof

>That sucks

>>"Don't mind him, he helped wreck the town, but the crown's lenient on-"

"Hey, uh, can you let Snails off for good behavior? He did help save the town once, that's gotta count for something, right?"

>The guard's face screws up in confusion; Snails lights up

>>"Well- you mean, he wasn't lying about that?"

"Well I was incapacitated, but my wife said that- yeah, he led them out of the tunnels. Ponyville might've sunk entirely into those sinkholes if we hadn't gotten through when we did."

>Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Snails light up. No, like he's practically glowing like God Himself told him he was a cool dude.

>>"Hmmmmmm, well- his sentence is almost up, but I can't just let him go even for you. Tell you what, you come up with some chores for him to do and I can release him into your custody tomorrow."

>Ooooh

>Yikes

>Goddammit, you can't back out now, just look at him!

>His eyes are as big and wet as a baby filly's!

"...Yeah, actually, I do need some stuff moved around, just make sure he doesn't get there without me watching him."

>>>"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU-"

"Hold on there, little dude, Trixie's out of town for now. And I ain't kidding- I got stuff I need done. Furniture and tools moved around. I might go easy on you but you're still gonna be doing shit, especially if I'm, like, legally required."

>>>"Hey, it can't be worse than shoveling poop and mud! I'll take it!"

>Oh. Oh GOD that's what that smell is!

"Yeaaah, just make sure you shower REAL good-"

>Saucy Secrets gets all huffy. "NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE, HE IS STILL MY-"

>>>"Shut up! You're not my real mom! I'm going to live with-"

>"Don't you DARE say that-"

>>>"Allie Way treats me AND dad better than you!"

>"YOUR FATHER LEFT ME FOR A BOWLING ALLEY HARLOT!"

>>>"SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE ME THAN YOU DO!"

>"I WONDER WHY, YOU LITTLE AUjhaoudhaoduhaoilhsda-"

>That.

>THAT was the sweet sound of a belligerent convict getting horse tazed.

>Oh that is MUSIC

>...

>Okay, you're going a little psycho. Cool it. Put the dog on the leash.

>>"Sorry you had to hear that, Your Grace. Now, if you don't mind-"

"Yeah, I got stuff to do today. Uh, do you know if the spa is open by any-" you can see the laugh building up before it comes. "Now I know the pool and the saunas are shot, but damn I could use a backrub or something is all!"

>>"Mmm. I think they've got little tubs ready, but that's just to fulfil their obligations as a public bathhouse. I don't believe they're taking paying customers yet."

"Dang it."

>>"Indeed. It's a loss for the whole town, why, nopony can get my buttons or my hooves as shiny as Aloe can. WELL- I think it's best if you're on your way- I'll bring the boy by tomorrow, sparkling fresh. There'll be some papers to sign but nothin' too ornery."

"Uh huh. Back to it, chief. See ya."

>>"Oh, I ain't a chief yet- but I appreciate the confidence!" He calls out as you continue onwards

 

 

 

>Previously, we watched a battle-scarred and determined specimen of the Anonymous Equinius species set out for, uh, let's call it spawning grounds?

>This mare never reached Ponyville. In her place, a sagging gremlin caked in sweat, with leathery folds of skin half-crawls onto Mane Street

>Indeed, it's as if Anonmare was turned into some kind of horrific basset hound hybrid, such was the weight of her sweat and hubris.

>Her stance is unsteady, her legs wobbling, ready to buckle. Many times she considers falling forward and dragging herself along with only one set of legs, but-

>What's this?

>The creature's distended gut is not from starvation- as the thoughts of surrender play out on her face, her belly squirms almost pleadingly, and her eyes fill with guilt, then determination

>Alas, nature is cruel, and a recent disaster has driven the majestic drinking fountain extinct. She will not make it to her destination-

>Wait.

>Look right there-

>In the crowd of lesser equines, circling the fruit stands like wolves, one can just make out the distinctive crest of Bloomius Buysomeapples, accompanied by her herd.

>Yes. Fresh off a successful hunt, it seems, for an unfortunate Purple Smartynanas is bouncing and shrieking nonsense. "Yesyesyesyes-"

>But the herd of juveniles is not sated. They spy the stricken mare-

>Oh dear. They are approaching. Parents with young children may need to cover their eyes-

>The fillies are arguing, demanding the predator's attention, do they not recognize the danger?

>Even in this state, an Anonmare is easily a match for most yaks, just look how she blinks her eyes one at a time!

 

>Oh the equinity, the apple creature insists on provoking her! "'Ey, Anon, y'alright there? Ya look like Applejack had ya out in th'field fer-"

>>The Pollo Locomoto tries to fight for dominance, lead the herd to easier prey- "No no no! Apple Bloom, we're looking for RAINBOW DASH! Not-"

>Denied. "Can it, Scootaloo, ah can't tell if she's sick or sumthin'!"

>>>"She DOES look, uh... really not good-" Ah, the Swibble Juiceburnus, who-

>>>"Yeeeah, hear that? She's blinking funny and babbling to herself about a... Huh. Sounds like one of Miss Cheerilee's crummy nature lectures?"

>>"All the more reason to get RAINBOW DASH, who else could help her faster!?"

>"QUIET! Nah, she does this sometimes. She'll come ready to work all day an' forget water, n'then AJ sends me out with a pitcher and she's right as rain. Hol' on a sec, Miss Anon, ah always carry-"

>The apple horse attempts to bargain, to pack bond, with a canteen of apple juice as an offering.

>Anonmare sniffs. Once. Twice. Oh dear, the snarl, is she-

>The juice is gone. Miraculously, the mare is rehydrating before our very eyes!

 

>Be Anonmare, not fucking talking to yourself like a cartoon character in a giant desert anymore

"Woah. Thanks kid. How long was I-"

>"Ah dunno. Least about as long as ya been in town?"

"Crap. I really need to carry water."

>"Yes ma'am ya do. And- maybe you shoulMF-"

>>>Swibble all but stuffs her hoof in Apple Bloom's mouth. "You can't just say something like that!"

>"Mmmfmmfffff-PTOOO!"

>>>"EWWWW! Why did you SUCK ON MY LEG!?"

>Huh. What was that rustling sound behind you?

>Apple Bloom snatches her canteen back, washing her mouth out with the last dregs. "Got yer leg out mah mouth, didn't it? And you don't even know what-"

>>>"Uh huh I do!" She leans in, conspiratorially, side-eyeing you as she whispers to Bloom- "youweregonnacallherfat!"

"You know you're not whispering nearly as quiet as you think you are, right?" You say with an eye roll

>>>"What!? There's no way you-"

"Heard you tell her not to call me fat. Yes I did hear- and for the record, I am fat and thank you for reminding me, I need to take better care of myself."

>The three fillies stare at you, mouths open in horror

"What?"

>They mutter, stutter in unison- "she really CAN see Sideways!"

>Oh. That explains that.

"Uh huh. Sure- Look I got places to be, thanks for the juice, I can buy you one at Sugarcube if you wanna wait what what WHAT!?"

>>"Why are you asking US, lady!? You should already know!"

"Know...what?"

>>>"Pinkie told us about how you could see her hiding spots! And then she screamed about strings or-"

>Oh. That.

>(hehehehehehehehehe)

"Wh- NO! I mean, YES I can see where she's hiding, but it's not some dark magic or future sight! I can just see her!"

>Hairs on the back of your neck are standing up. A small crowd is gathering, staring, murmuring. Just like at the orphanage-

>Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfudon'tpanic-

>Apple Bloom puffs her chest out. "Okay- ah just saw Pinkie Pie bouncin' around and now ah can't. Where is she- and more importantly, what do you-"

>OHHH

>That's what that giggling is-

>And that pair of baby blue eyes blinking innocently in a bush to your right

>The eyes you are now staring directly at

"Do you- like, I'm looking right at her!"

>>"Nuh uh!"

"THE BLUE EYES! IN THE BUSH!"

>hehehehehei'minsneakmodeAnon!

"She's giggling about sneak mode!"

>The fillies continue to stare in a mix of fear, wonder, and sympathetic cringe for the crazy mare making a scene

"D'oh- LOOK!"

>You stuff a hoof into the bush and pull out a very pink, very picrel Pinkie Pie. "'Sup, 'non?" she says, with an innocent blink.

>Compared to the last time you sussed her out, she's neither startled or offended. The casual, fuck-me-french-mare smile suggests she wanted this all along.

>>>Scootaloo cries out- "No way! Even Rainbow Dash can't- how did you do that!?"

"What part of I CAN SEE HER POKING HER EYES OUT, AND GIGGLING, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!? Look-"

>You shove Pinkie back into the bush. "Wheeeee!"

"Alright. I have put her back in the bush. Now-" you motion for silence and point directly at Pinkie's bright-ass eyes. "Right there!"

>"Um-" Apple Bloom cocks her head. "Well, ah believe you- I DID see ya put her back in the bush, but-"

>>"We don't see squat!" Scootaloo snorts out, folding her forelegs in a pout even as she squints at the bush

>(Now I'm whispering really loud! They still can't hear me like you can!")

>Argh

"PINKIE, PLEASE-"

>The fillies continue to look at you like you're nuts.

>>"Okay, I'll just-" Scootaloo fishes around in the bush until she gets a honking sound and a melodious giggle. "-Yep. Pinkie is definitely in there!"

"I coulda told you that. I DID tell ya that. You SAW me fish her out and throw her back!"

>The fillies are now shaking like maracas. "CHEERILEE WAS RIGHT! YOU REALLY ARE A-"

>Not this again!

>("PSSSSST, I know you can hear me! I'll set it up so they'll leave you alone....")

>And here comes the 'if'

>("Iiiiiif you agree to talk about esoteric knowledge with me, Pinkie! Pinkie Pie, your friend, named Pinkie Pie-")

"ALRIGHT! Alright!" you shout at the bush. A pink snout snoots out the top and kisses you on the forehead.

>The crowd chuckles and disperses. Pinkie Pie being weird and annoying is just a day ending in Y, no scene to see here.

>The same can't be said for the fillies, who hug each other and continue to make festive bone music

>Pinkie jumps out of the bush with a party whistle and confetti burst, landing on all fours. "Silly fillies! Nonny isn't a witch! Even I'm not a witch and I have levels in paladin!"

>The horror turns to confusion. "Um- what!?"

>>"What's your dumb egghead game stuff got to do with this?"

>>>"Rarity specifically told me never to associate with O&O players. Something about...." Sweetie drops into a shameful whisper. "..Subpar corsets."

>Everypony takes a short break to incredulously gaze upon Sweetie Belle.

>Ok. Moment done. Back to Ponko-

"....Seriously though. What!?"

>"Well, duh- paladins are just cultists with family-friendlier patrons. Ergo, it's reasonable to think I'm a witch even though I'm not- but Nonny definitely isn't!"

>Apple Bloom scratches her head guiltily. "Yeah... Ah knew that, sorry."

>>"I didn't! What's going on!?"

>Pinkie Pie looks at you. When you return a questioning shake, she cocks her head and narrows her eyes. "Eh? Ehhhh?"

>Is she asking for permission?

"Uh- whatever? Do what you wanna-"

>"It's her special talent, dummies! Seeing stuff from funny angles! It's not evil enchantressment, it's just a shift in perspective... that she can do without having to move around at all. Or something... anyway! CUTIE MARK STORY!"

"What!?"

>The crusaders' collective attitude does an immediate 180. They crowd around you, vibrating with excitement, except Scootaloo who really wants to keep looking for-

>Scootaloo is still pouting next to the bush, so what's this third body-

"PINKIE!"

>"Cutie mark storytime! Let's go! Go go go!"

"What!?"

>"Come on, please?" Apple Bloom asks, eyes wetter than the time you wouldn't let her drive Remmie.

>>>"We've been asking everypony, especially our sisters' friends!"

>>"Believe me, she's right." Scootaloo keeps acting aloof and impatient, but there's a twinkle in her eye regardless.

>Even Pinkie is getting in on it. Of course. "Fair's fair- I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!"

>The five of you stand in a stalemate, but, well-

>Maybe it's the wet eyes, or your friendship, or maybe just your goddamn hormones slowly mindfucking you into a doting mother, but there's only so many wet-eyed foals you can say no to without it hurting your soul

>Even your kid is in on it- she squirms, spreads her legs out like she wants a hug. You'd want other ponies to be nice to her, right?

>

>

"UGH. Fine- but, I'll warn you, I had a... rough fillyhood. And it's gonna be LONG, or it won't make any sense at all. Ya need the context."

>Three of the four run to steal you a cushion from the nearby café, and lay down for storytime. A certain orange filly groans.

 

 

 

>You sit down, rubbing your butt side to side until you're comfy

>Out of the corner of your eye you catch Rainbow, Fluttershy and Rarity sneaking towards Sugarcube Corner.

>Odd.

>Odder still is how Fluttershy's gaze lingered on your group, and didn't fully leave until you were sitting.

>But whatever.

>She's probably trying not to embarrass herself. Wants to take the intervention apart before you can go to the Corner.

>You wouldn't put it past her to be the one who organized it, actually. That's the kind of passive aggressive kindness she does when she's feeling particularly spicy.

>Hmmm

>Part of you wants to point out Rainbow Dash, but even Scootaloo is at least feigning interest now and that gives you warm fuzzies in your womb or something

>Plus you already mentally committed to this path

>No

>Not backing out now. It'll do you good to share with somepony other than Trixie, even if you have to maintain a few white lies.

"Alright- let's start at the beginning-"

>>"Your dad put his thingy in your mom? Everypony who's looked at a colt can guess how-"

"What!? No! How would I remember being conceived!?"

>>"Cuz you said the-"

"-The beginning, yes! As in the earliest dang thing I can remember! Which does NOT include my mom getting boinked or squeezing me out!"

>>"OKAY, sheesh, first you have special sight and then you don't- which is it!?"

>You can feel yourself aging prematurely

>You know this is going to be a significant aspect of your everyday life once the little vagburster erupts from your ruined cooch, right?

"AS I WAS SAYING-"

>>>Sweetie Belle sneers in disgust. "Wait- is that REALLY how foals are made!? EW EW EW EW MOM TOLD ME SHE GREW ME IN A CABBAGE PATCH!"

>"Sweetie Belle, that's the silliest thing ever, ah'm sorry." Apple Bloom says with a hoof on her shoulder.

>>"Yeah, your mom had her tail up, your dad was on top of her and she was going 'UNF UNF UNF UNF OH SWEET CEL-"

>>>"EWEWEWEWSTAHP-"

"Lay off her, ya little creep!" You squeeze under Scootaloo's wingpits for emphasis, causing her to wheeze and yelp.

>>"What was that for!?"

>You silence her with a raised eyebrow, cuz she knows exactly fucking why-

"Alright, we done with the peanut gallery shit?"

>The fillies stare at you in confuzzlement.

"UGH- I mean are you done being lil' bastards?"

>"MAH PARENTS WERE MARRIED!"

>>"No, no I'm not."

>>>"Why would I be fish poop?"

>These fillies would drive you to drink if not for a certain little someone

"Fu- ugh. Figure of speech, Apple Bloom. Scootaloo- can't believe I'm saying this but at least you're honest. ALRIGHT-"

>Gather your breath, and your composure

>These memories are painful but dull- the worst part isn't reliving your issues, it's having to remember the careful web of lies you wove when you feared some kind of exorcism

"Alright, so- important shit out of the way first. Earliest thing I clearly remember is age 30-something. I knew how to talk, I had a... let's say vaguely correct early education, but uh... nothing else important. What few concrete memories I had didn't really add up to anything- I've ALWAYS been crazy good with machines, and I know my wagon uh.... belonged to my family. Must've. So-"

>>>"Wait, the earliest thing you remember is being 30!?" Sweetie Belle almost sneers incredulously

>>"And no parents? Are you....?" Even Scootaloo is too tactful to outright say it, but dragging your hooves helps no one.

"Yeah, an orphan, far as I know anyway. They found me out in the forest, but I slept through that and like 2 days in the infirmary..."

 

>[ACT THE TWOTH: Wherein we actually get to the Cutie Mark Chronicles]

 

>Be Anon

>Wait

>That's not right

>You died

>Didn't you?

>Memory's a fuck. Bits and pieces in place, and a distinct sense of self. Maybe you lived with a traumatic brain injury?

>No

>Somehow, on some level the human body isn't even able to be aware of, you know you died that day

>Then why do you feel like a tangle of limbs still?

>And why is it raining? Rain on the window- that doesn't match anything you were told

>No St. Peter, no weird japanese guy bitching about your karma, no space armada from lord xenu... but... not nothing, either

>So who the fuck was right in the end?

>Maybe nobody. Not even the atheists. Huh.

>Death do be shooting you up with some humility at least.

>Neck hurts like a bitch- it should, you got Jason Vorheese'd by some methed up hood gangster-

>Gangster

>Machete wound-

>Right

>Last thing you remember was being hacked in the neck and dragged out of your car. The car you loved like an old dog, the car you lived out of when your bitch mom cheated on your dad and kicked you out-

>The car that piece of shit destroyed.

>Goddammit

>The last thing you saw, the last thing you knew, was that motherfucker driving your pride and joy into an oncoming train

>YOU'D done some bad shit in your homeless years, maybe you deserved it, but Remmie was fucking innocent goddammit-

>Welp

>You're crying

>Wait

>Why does your voice sound like-

>"DOCTOR? SHE'S AWAKE! DOCTOR!"

>She

>SHE

>S H E

>A ha ha ha

>You gotta check

>You know the answer. As the situation sinks in, your brain signals checks for proprioception- your smooth hooves. Your tail. Your quadrupedal stance. Your fucking vagina, it all returns NORMAL.

>That's not normal! You gotta check you gotta-

>You already know the answer but you gotta-

>Well you gotta stop flailing and grab the blanket, for starters

>Wait

>Why isn't the blanket moving?

>It's in your hand, why-

>Hoof

>More flailing. A furry green leg emerges.

>Yep

>You're... a pony

>You used to dream about something like this happening, but that was years ago

>Right

>Okay

>You're a tiny female horse.

>You're a tiny female horse and some nurse horse is staring at you staring at your leg.

>You're a fucking filly anon. Okay. Of fucking course. Why not.

>So you just have to find Twilight and explain the situation, right? That's how this crap always goes... Least when she isn't the one who did it.

>You didn't piss her off and get bodied so hard you forgot, did you?

>Don't panic. Look around-

>Okay. You're in a cheap, but not-too-cheap bed. Duh. Sheets are... damp and stained. You most definitely bled on something, and likely pissed or shit yourself at some point too, but they've been cleaning you while you slept.

>No IV drip. Bottles on the bedside and a silver spoon.

>Hard to tell what they are- the room is dimly lit, it's night outside and raining, the hallway is equally dim and there's pockets of darkness between. The pony you heard call out is alternating between looking frantically down the hall and peering in at you.

>Bandages, rags in a bucket. Sudden awareness of stiff fabric around your neck. Your wound carried over? Maybe you didn't technically die, then?

>No. Again, some unmistakability rises up. You did.

>Besides, the pain is in a different spot. Details of your last fight become clearer. Get forced on you-

 

>Stopped at a railroad crossing. Some punk in army surplus rags swaggers up with a machete-

>Arrogance. For too long you assume he can't get in- and then the winder shatters while you're reaching for your pistol.

>Gates are down, shifter is in park, can't drive off, can't even afford the time to-

>COME ON WHERE IS IT- WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEA-

>Just as you get a grip on it, a bloody hand manages to work the door lock.

>You hold up a leather jacketed arm- hoping to turn the blade aside, parry it or something, knock it away by the flat, but the fucker is a better fencer than he has any right to be.

>This shithead, in a cheap field jacket stained with cum and cheap beer, pulls off some goddamn mordhau feinting type shit and whips his machete in such a way that your arm bounces the blade right near your neck.

>The memory is in slow-mo now. You watch as this filthy, wild-eyed copper thief lunges forward as he swipes, giving his wrist enough clearance to finish the blow as your hand tries to block him.

>And across your neck it goes.

>It's almost funny. Hope God's laughing enough for the both of you.

>Pain, hot fluid, the shift of gravity as you're pulled out and dumped on the road. But your grip on the pistol stays tight-

>Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam- you fire while he's still facing outwards, trying to sit down

>Red spurts out of his chest, and all over the interior windshield as he slumps down.

>And floors it. Right as the train arrives.

>And now your car is in three separate counties.

>Oh it stopped hurting already. Welp. Exit, stage left.

>Hey, is that a rainb-

 

>The flashback ends. Sensation of a monkey body faded to nothing, then suddenly: Horse. Just like when you woke up the first time.

>You are. A horse.

>Horse horse horseHORSE- JA JA JA-

>What were you thinking about?

>Should you be breathing this fast? Where's that ringing coming from-

>Ringing. Blood roaring. Wound- right. The wound. You were killed by a horizontal slash to the throat. This pain is more on the side, radiates up a bit into your cheeks. Whatever happened to this body, it wasn't a crackhead serial duelist-carjacker or whatever the absolute fuck that guy was.

>Ears flick. Sound. Sound from somewhere else- something to focus on.

>The nurse is whispering to someone behind her

>It melds into murmurs in your ears, even though she's whispering really really loud-

>If you could just focus on it- come on! There's no reason you shouldn't be able to just listen!

>Clip clop

>CLIP CLOP- the doctor(?)'s hooves get really loud, really fast, but he's not stomping as he approaches you.

>Well, of course, you have horse ears now.

>And a horse nose, you assume.

>[spoiler]"Hello? HELLO? Young filly, I need to-"[/spoiler]

>Ears flick. Eyes screw. The doctor sighs, turns back to the nurse. Whispers in that weird way again.

>The FUCK is he even doing!?

>And why is this FUCKING blanket still on you!?

>ARGH

>It won't grip! Of course it won't grip! You ain't got no FINGERS! AUGH!

>Wait

>What's happening now? What's glowing? There's- you remember this, that's magic! There's magic-

>Touching you.

>The doctor's horn is giving off some vague light and her face is all screwy in concentration.

>She's trying to touch you. Is touching you.

>Well that won't do.

>Huh

>Now that you're staring at your leg, you can almost feel your hands. Phantom pain or something- great. Just great.

>Are you gonna have phantom pain for your bad back? Or your dick? You know you're still missing THAT, right?

>AUGH.

>You can almost feel your old body ripping the-

>Somehow, someway, you throw the blanket at her. The sensation ceases, the doctor flails for a bit, then she backs off. Victory...?

>No. She keeps backing up, eyeing you, to what she assumes is a safe distance.

>She whispers to the nurse, still in the hallway, again. More murmuring. What the FUCK!? Your ears are definitely more sensitive, why can't you-

>[spoiler]"Patient is panicked and magically active! Get a ring![/spoiler]

>Wait

>Wait wait wait

>She just said you were afraid and dangerous. It took you a second to parse it, but it did get through.

>But she's acting like that statement is at least... kind of private?

>What the fuck?

>Having a mystery to latch on to calms your nerves.

>Two mysteries, actually- is that doc a chick or a dude? Now that you've really heard their voice, it sounds too husky to be a chick and too flamboyant to be a guy. Unless he's a fruitcake maybe. Above all else, it's familiar. You've heard it before, in a movie or something.

>Just assume she's female. You can apologize if you get it wrong later.

>Them whispering in the hall is making you paranoid. You gotta find some way to dodge the straitjacket! Speak! Say something!

"I'm sohwryeee- I don-"