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Coffee and fuck you i'm not editing this is bad enough

By Smashed
Created: 2020-10-28 19:51:46
Updated: 2025-04-09 20:04:52
Expiry: Never
pinkie piesaferainbow dashanonymouscoffee

  1. 1.
    >Day COFFEE in Equestria
  2. 2.
    >You are tired. So very, very tired.
  3. 3.
    >Only one thing can save you from this sluggish hellhole you find yourself trapped in.
  4. 4.
    >That glorious black liquid.
  5. 5.
    >The kettle's boiling right now.
  6. 6.
    >You make instant coffee because FUCK YOU.
  7. 7.
    >Suddenly a Rainbow Dash hovering in your kitchen.
  8. 8.
    >"Hey dude what yo-" she says before you cut her off with a swift palm in front of her snout.
  9. 9.
    "Shush!"
  10. 10.
    >Your stare at the kettle grows more intensive as the seconds tick by.
  11. 11.
    >If your eyes were flamethrowers you'd have burnt a hole to Pony-China by now.
  12. 12.
    >Just as well they aren't, because that would be stupid.
  13. 13.
    >"Anon, come on man, you're freakin' me out here!" Rainbow begs, hoping for some sort of reply.
  14. 14.
    "Coffee."
  15. 15.
    "Brain no work good."
  16. 16.
    >Uh oh, that isn't good, you lost higher levels of speech.
  17. 17.
    >This damn coffee better be done soon.
  18. 18.
    >"Ah, right. I gotcha." she says, understanding creeping into her voice, "Why didn't you just go see Pinkie? She always has a pot brewing."
  19. 19.
    >...
  20. 20.
    >Pinkie?
  21. 21.
    "OF COURSE!"
  22. 22.
    >Your face breaks out into the most ridiculous grin you've ever had the fortune to never see.
  23. 23.
    "PINKIE!" you shout, turning to Rainbow Dash.
  24. 24.
    >You grab her by the shoulders.
  25. 25.
    "TAKE ME TO THE PINK ONE!" you yell, somehow louder than the shouting.
  26. 26.
    >You walk towards the door, still holding Rainbow in mid-air by her shoulders.
  27. 27.
    >"Uh, Anon? You ca-"
  28. 28.
    >*BANG CRACK SMASH*
  29. 29.
    >You kick the door right off it's hinges.
  30. 30.
    "That door was shit anyway." you cry out.
  31. 31.
    >Rainbow just gives you a look that seems like she's trying to poop.
  32. 32.
    >Or maybe it's her *niggayouforreal?* face.
  33. 33.
    >You never could tell.
  34. 34.
    >With no time to lose you break out into a sprint.
  35. 35.
    >You speed through PonyVille like a bat out of hell, making all the drunks heading home try and fail miserably to look in wonder.
  36. 36.
    >Oh that's right, you were supposed to go out drinking with Rainbow.
  37. 37.
    >Drink later coffee now.
  38. 38.
    >"Aw man, the bars closed now. What have you been DOING all night?" she asks accusingly.
  39. 39.
    "Masturbating."
  40. 40.
    >Smooth.
  41. 41.
    >"Oh, uuuh, okay. Would you mind putting me down so I can cut all my fur off and have an acid bath?"
  42. 42.
    >Eh? What?
  43. 43.
    "No time for your nonsense Dashie! COFFEE!"
  44. 44.
    >You are closing in on the Pink one's cave of coffee.
  45. 45.
    >Rainbow gets tossed like a rugby ball right through Pinkie's window.
  46. 46.
    >You hear Pinkie through the smashed up window.
  47. 47.
    >Sounds like she's awake now anyway.
  48. 48.
    >Excellent.
  49. 49.
    >PP:"Hiya Dashie! What brings you dropping by?"
  50. 50.
    >You leap towards the wall and scale it in record time, no doubt doing your distant ancestors proud.
  51. 51.
    Doing a dive roll through her window you land in front of her, on her bed.
  52. 52.
    >She's tucked in and has the cutest nightcap on.
  53. 53.
    "PINK ONE! I REQUIRE COFFEE!"
  54. 54.
    >PP:"Hiya Anon! Sure, one fresh cup of coffee coming riiiight up!"
  55. 55.
    >She pulls a pot of coffee out of her mane, it's boiling hot.
  56. 56.
    >You long ago learned never to question her methods.
  57. 57.
    >A mug is placed in your hand, and some of that delectable brown nectar is poured into it.
  58. 58.
    >Sugar and milk are also added because shut up it's how you like it.
  59. 59.
    >You drink the whole thing in one gulp.
  60. 60.
    >A warm, fuzzy feeling spreads from your throat and stomach all through your body.
  61. 61.
    >PP:"All better Nonny?" she queries, all sunshine and rainbows.
  62. 62.
    "Yes."
  63. 63.
    >RD:"Can we go drinking nooow? Or do you have to clop some more?" she smirks.
  64. 64.
    >PP:"Ooooh, Nonny was cloppin'?" she is beaming now.
  65. 65.
    "Yeah sure, why not. Say Pinkie? Do you want to get really drunk with me and Dashie?"
  66. 66.
    >Rainbow rolls her eyes at the nickname.
  67. 67.
    >PP:"How is that even a question? Of course I do silly!"
  68. 68.
    >Sweet.
  69. 69.
    "Dashie can you get the booze from my house? You know where it's at."
  70. 70.
    >She should, she has to keep stocking it up.
  71. 71.
    >RD:"Why can't your lazy flank go?" she huffs.
  72. 72.
    "Because you are faster, now mush!" you reply, a whip crack sounding out from somewhere, probably Pinkie.
  73. 73.
    >RD:"Oh yeah, duh."
  74. 74.
    >She's off like a shot.
  75. 75.
    "So Pinkie, more coffee?" you suggest.
  76. 76.
    >"Absolutely!" she beams, pouring more milky coffee with enough sugar in it to fuel the sun for a week.
  77. 77.
    >You drink this one in a single gulp too.
  78. 78.
    >That lovely fuzzy feeling comes back.
  79. 79.
    >Rainbow blasts back through the window.
  80. 80.
    >She is covered in soot, and has saddlebags full of alcohol.
  81. 81.
    >RD:"So, uh, hey dude. You know you never turned off your kettle right?"
  82. 82.
    >Oh shit.
  83. 83.
    >RD:"Well, uh, I'm not sure how to say this, but your house kinda burned down. I managed to save the booze though."
  84. 84.
    "Ah well, we have what really matters booze and coffee."
  85. 85.
    >PP:"And each other!"
  86. 86.
    "Ugh, yes and each other. Now shut up and drink."
  87. 87.
    >PP:"Nonny if you need a place to sleep, you can crash here. You too Rainbow."
  88. 88.
    >RD:"In the same bed?" she jokes.
  89. 89.
    "Alright, if you want."
  90. 90.
    >PP:"YIPPEE!!"
  91. 91.
     
  92. 92.
    >It was the warmest sleep you've ever had.

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