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Anonfilly Shitposting Incorporated

By FajitasAnon
Created: 12th January 2021 08:50:58 AM

  1. >WHUMP!
  2. >You hear a muffled impact outside your door, and look up from your desk
  3. >An angry mare bursts into your office
  4. >Strange, you only hired other fillies, how did she get in here?
  5. >Oh, right, your name is Anonymous
  6. >As is the entirety of your workforce
  7. >Magical mishap involving a chicken, twenty-seven thousand metric tons of sand, and three gold plated iron bars brought you all here, with only the clothes on your backs and new pony bits.
  8. >Lucky ones got wings, or like yourself, horns.
  9. >You try not to think too hard on what happened
  10. >Except now, when you'd rather think about something that isn't a nuisance
  11. >"...and then she called me a 'crusty cunt!' I don't even know what that means, but I'm sure it was some kind of FILLY insult!"
  12. >Oh, right, the mare
  13. "As president and CEO of Anonfilly Shitposting Incorporated, I must let you know before I can even listen to a word you say, I have to know how you managed to get in here."
  14. >She looks stunned, as if she'd never been talked down to like that before
  15. >Which is a preposterous thought, clearly she's met another Anon to even think of coming here
  16. >"The window was open, and I'm the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria!"
  17. "And you are aware that even the 'fastest pegasus in all of Equestria' is subject to breaking and entering laws, along with trespassing laws, correct?"
  18. >She visibly recoils at your words
  19. >Clearly, someone forgot you can't just go wherever you want just because the window's open
  20. "Evidently, that is aside from the issue you bring into my office. What is your grievance with our company, miss...?"
  21. >Your tone is as flat as your 2d waifu back on Earth
  22. >God, you miss her
  23. >"Rainbow Dash! You can't act like you've never heard of me! One of your fillies came to my welcome-back-to-Ponyville-party and caused a riot! She convinced almost everypony there that I was a spawn of Tartarus!"
  24. >Ah, a hit job, the most lucrative and expensive service that ASI offers
  25. >Also, the most dangerous
  26. >You've lost many a filly to the ensuing riots and town-burnings
  27. >Never to go on the field again, succumbing to desk jobs
  28. "Miss Dash, was it? I am not our Pony Relations department. Nor am I obligated to do anything for you. If anything, it sounds like you're giving my filly a raving review for her work, and have ensured that she gets a bonus. Is there anything else you'd like to say before I call security on you?"
  29. >She looks even more shocked than when you reminded her of the law existing
  30. >"I- You're not supposed to reward anypony for this kind of behavior! You're the boss here, right?! Do something about it!"
  31. "Miss Dash, I do not punish my employees for doing their job, and especially not for doing it well. If you wish to use our services to restore your reputation instead of complaining about them, then I would suggest that you consult our sales department on the GROUND FLOOR. I would also suggest that you wait a day or three, as when you're thrown out of the building by SECURITY! ...you're not allowed back inside for a bit."
  32. >At your call, your two most magically gifted Anons walk through your office door.
  33. "Anon and Anon? Please escort Miss Rainbow Dash off the premises."
  34. >"Punt, Field Goal, or Kickoff, sir?"
  35. >You consider his question, and decide that she doesn't need to be launched to Canterlot yet
  36. >But probably next time
  37. "Only a punt will do, Anon. Miss Dash, you might want to point out the general direction of your house before you reach the ground floor."
  38. >"What?! I can't-"
  39. >She is silenced by a bright green aura of magic wrapping around her muzzle, while a darker orange aura wraps around her wings, and all but one of her hooves
  40. >"MMMMPH! MMM-MMMPH-MM-MMMMPH!"
  41. >Her struggles are fruitless as the two take her downstairs, leaving you back to your deskwork
  42. >You feel like you're forgetting something
  43. >...right, the window that let her in
  44. >You use your own magic to shut the offending pane of glass
  45. >Returning to your desk, you start on your "important jobs reports" folder
  46. >Huh, ironic, this is the report on that pony's hit
  47. >Flawless execution, no filly injuries, no feathers left on the scene, AND stole 20 bits on the way back?
  48. >This one's getting promoted to Senior Hitpony
  49. >And a personal thank-you letter from yourself
  50. >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
  51. >A streak of rainbow shoots away from what you assume to be the ground floor, slightly on the path to the Everfree
  52. >You chuckle to yourself a bit
  53. >That never gets old
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