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The Kool Kids' Klub

By Writefag_Roulette
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-01-20 14:32:48
Expiry: Never
slice of lifeanon fillyanonfilly thread/mlpol/tard

  1. 1.
    ~"Anon, are you going out?"
  2. 2.
    >oh, fuck, she wants something
  3. 3.
    >just pretend you didn't hear her
  4. 4.
    >just go right on outside now
  5. 5.
    "Yeah, what's up?"
  6. 6.
    >FUCK
  7. 7.
    >why would you do that?
  8. 8.
    ~"Can you take your sister with you?"
  9. 9.
    >sister?
  10. 10.
    >what the hell does she…
  11. 11.
    >oh
  12. 12.
    >oh, fuck that shit
  13. 13.
    "SorryIdon'thaveasisterbye!"
  14. 14.
    >you dart outside as fast as you can
  15. 15.
    >only to wrapped in a purple aura
  16. 16.
    >and teleported back inside of Twilight's castle
  17. 17.
    ~"You know what I mean, Anon."
  18. 18.
    "Twilight, Orange is back in town today. Me and the gang are gonna get into some wild shit. We can't have… her… dragging us down."
  19. 19.
    >Twilight's eyes narrow
  20. 20.
    ~"What do you mean by 'wild shit?'"
  21. 21.
    "Uh, like, uh, n-nothing, uh, crazy, you know. J-just um…"
  22. 22.
    ~"Anon, am I gonna have to bail you three out of prison again?"
  23. 23.
    "What? No, of course not."
  24. 24.
    ~"Or rescue you from an angry lynch mob?"
  25. 25.
    "Definitely not. That was a one time thing, I promise."
  26. 26.
    ~"Or drive out a hydra you decided to bring into town?"
  27. 27.
    "Snekface did nothing wr- I mean, uh, nope. No way."
  28. 28.
    ~"Then I don't see why you can't take your sister with you."
  29. 29.
    "First of all, because she is not, never has been, and never will be my fucking sister. Second of all, because nobody likes her!"
  30. 30.
    >Twilight sighs
  31. 31.
    ~"Look, Anon, I'm about to try some fairly dangerous experiments. If she stays here, she might get hurt."
  32. 32.
    "Not seeing the problem here."
  33. 33.
    >a solid aura smacks you in the back of the head
  34. 34.
    ~"How can you be like that? She's disabled!"
  35. 35.
    >you can feel your eyebrows knit tight
  36. 36.
    >and the skin on your snoot begins to scrunch
  37. 37.
    >your gaze narrows
  38. 38.
    >and so does hers
  39. 39.
    "How many Good Filly Points is it worth to you?"
  40. 40.
    >a single bead of sweat rolls down Twilight's face
  41. 41.
    ~"A hundred."
  42. 42.
    "No way. We're talking about something that could seriously strain my friendship here."
  43. 43.
    >Twilight's face cracks, almost audibly, when you drop the F-word
  44. 44.
    "And you know how hard long-distance friendships can be to begin with."
  45. 45.
    >Twilight can't maintain her stern gaze anymore
  46. 46.
    >you're in control here
  47. 47.
    >you grin
  48. 48.
    "I want twelve-hundred."
  49. 49.
    >you are, of course, shooting for a thousand
  50. 50.
    >Twilight scowls
  51. 51.
    ~"A thousand."
  52. 52.
    "Deal."
  53. 53.
    >flawless victory
  54. 54.
    >Twilight sighs
  55. 55.
    ~"All right, go get her now. And try to have fun with your friends."
  56. 56.
    >oh, right
  57. 57.
    >flawless victory, except that you have to spend the day tard-wrangling
  58. 58.
    >reluctantly, you head upstairs to Tripfag's room
  59. 59.
    >upon entering her room, the stench tells you that she spent all night shitting on the floor
  60. 60.
    >again
  61. 61.
    >for all the world, this filly looks almost identical to you
  62. 62.
    >except that she's got an exclamation mark on her ass, instead of a question mark
  63. 63.
    >and her green coat is a bit more saturated than yours
  64. 64.
    >also, she's retarded
  65. 65.
    >currently, she's busily engaged in bashing her helmet against the wall
  66. 66.
    >Tripfag pauses for a moment to acknowledge your entrance
  67. 67.
    /"Hi Non."
  68. 68.
    >and she's right back to the bashing
  69. 69.
    /"Hey, Tripfag. Twilight wants me to take you out."
  70. 70.
    >Tripfag ceases her wall-abuse and blinks at you
  71. 71.
    "Come on, bud. I'll get your leash on you and then we can go."
  72. 72.
    /"Kay Non."
  73. 73.
     
  74. 74.
    >here's what most people don't get about Tripfag
  75. 75.
    >she's evil
  76. 76.
    >yes, she's a tard
  77. 77.
    >but she knows it
  78. 78.
    >uses it
  79. 79.
    >when she knocks down Diamond Tiara with tard strength
  80. 80.
    >when she pisses on your bed covers
  81. 81.
    >when she eats Spike's rare comic collection
  82. 82.
    >I'm a tard, she says
  83. 83.
    >you can't do shit to me, she says
  84. 84.
    >it's not in her words
  85. 85.
    >it's in her smile
  86. 86.
    >in her eyes
  87. 87.
    /"Non."
  88. 88.
    >even now, walking down the street
  89. 89.
    /"Non."
  90. 90.
    >who knows what foul deeds are cooking in the depths of her inscrutable mind
  91. 91.
    /"Non."
  92. 92.
    >now if only you could find some way to ditch her before you reach the KKKlubhouse
  93. 93.
    /"Non."
  94. 94.
    "Wh-uh, yeah? What's up?"
  95. 95.
    /"Sleepy. Want nap."
  96. 96.
    "Geez, Tripfag, where the fuck do you want to take a nap at? I can't take you home right now."
  97. 97.
    /"Want nap!"
  98. 98.
    "All right, calm the fuck down I'll figure something out."
  99. 99.
    >you scan your surroundings desperately
  100. 100.
    >hoping to stave off the inevitable tard-rage somehow
  101. 101.
    >maybe you could leave her on that bench?
  102. 102.
    >no, that's retarded
  103. 103.
    >hang on
  104. 104.
    >and then you see it
  105. 105.
    >salvation is in easy reach
  106. 106.
    >you're standing right in front of Sleepytime Tea's Daycare Center
  107. 107.
    >perfect
  108. 108.
    "Hey, nap time's this way. Come on."
  109. 109.
    >you tug on Tripfag's leash and lead her up to the door of the daycare center
  110. 110.
    >okay, blink a few times
  111. 111.
    >breathe
  112. 112.
    >where's that vacant little filly smile?
  113. 113.
    >there it is, on your face now
  114. 114.
    >in this moment, you are adorable
  115. 115.
    >and you knock on the door
  116. 116.
    >the elderly proprietor wastes no time in answering
  117. 117.
    >"My, little Anonymous, and Tripfag! What are you girls doing here?"
  118. 118.
    "Hi Miss Sleepytime. My mommy asked me to drop off my sister here."
  119. 119.
    >"Did she now? Aren't you just growing up so fast?"
  120. 120.
    >you puff your chest out in childish pride
  121. 121.
    "M-hm! My mommy says I'm a big filly now. She even said I could go by myself to play with my friends after this!"
  122. 122.
    >"Oh, dear! Well I don't want to hold you up then!"
  123. 123.
    >Sleepytime takes Tripfag's leash and guides her inside
  124. 124.
    >"I'll take good care of your sister, dearie. Have fun with your friends!"
  125. 125.
    "Thanks, Miss Sleepytime, I will!"
  126. 126.
    >when she shuts the door, the tiresome filly mask falls off
  127. 127.
    "Heh, heh, heh."
  128. 128.
    >as you trot along, you think about what a great day this is shaping up to be
  129. 129.
    >yeah, the daycare will cost you some bits
  130. 130.
    >but you absolutely killed your last lemonade stand gig
  131. 131.
    >for a thousand GFP
  132. 132.
    >and a tard-free day with the lasses
  133. 133.
    >it's well-worth the money
  134. 134.
     
  135. 135.
    >the Kool Kids' Klub, informally known as the KKK, has three members
  136. 136.
    >yourself, Anonymous
  137. 137.
    >an orange filly named Anonymous
  138. 138.
    >and a red filly, also named Anonymous
  139. 139.
    >for simplicity's sake, you all just refer to each other by your respective colors
  140. 140.
    >ponies sometimes assume you're a bit like Apple Bloom's crew, the Cutie Mark Whatevers
  141. 141.
    >this, however, is a mistake
  142. 142.
    >there are no lamers allowed in the Kool Kids' Klub
  143. 143.
    >Apple Bloom and co?
  144. 144.
    >definitely lamers
  145. 145.
    >all the foals in this fucking town are lamers
  146. 146.
    >Diamond Tiara and her fuckbuddy, Silver What's-Her-Fuck, they used to be honorary Kool Kids
  147. 147.
    >but those two have since fallen in with the lamers
  148. 148.
    >maybe it's better to start from the beginning
  149. 149.
    >four years ago, four fillies woke up on Twilight Sparkle's front porch
  150. 150.
    >you, Red, Orange, and Tripfag
  151. 151.
    >all four of you had been, up til that moment, grown-ass men living on Earth, the homeworld of all mankind
  152. 152.
    >Twilight decided to take you all in until you could find proper adoptive families
  153. 153.
    >Red was adopted first, by, surprisingly, a pig named Jim
  154. 154.
    >Jim is very well-to-do for a pig, being the owner of a successful chain of yoga studios
  155. 155.
    >apparently he's borderline neglectful, but that suits Red just fine
  156. 156.
    >there's always plenty of food in his house, which is right here in Ponyville, so Red was pretty happy to get some breathing room
  157. 157.
    >Twilight means well, but she's definitely a bit overbearing
  158. 158.
    >Orange went next, just a few months ago
  159. 159.
    >a foreign diplomat from the Black Forest named Aryanne showed up and heard about the fillies who were up for adoption
  160. 160.
    >Tripfag was out of the question, no Black Forester would ever keep a tard around
  161. 161.
    >from there, she made you and Orange compete in a physical obstacle course, a written exam, and a survey about your opinions on race
  162. 162.
    >Orange ended up beating you out in the survey
  163. 163.
    >you and Red were happy for her, of course
  164. 164.
    >but she ended up moving to the Black Forest, and you haven't seen her since
  165. 165.
    >but today, Aryanne apparently has some business in Ponyville again
  166. 166.
    >she's bringing Orange
  167. 167.
    >you can't suppress a grin as you approach the KKKlubhouse, hidden on the edge of the Everfree Forest
  168. 168.
    >because today…
  169. 169.
    >the KKK will ride again!
  170. 170.
     
  171. 171.
    >the KKKlubhouse is a fucking mess
  172. 172.
    >crushed cans and tattered wrappers strewn about the floor
  173. 173.
    >undone homework spilling out of a saddlebag
  174. 174.
    >oh, geez, what's this sticky shit you just stepped in?
  175. 175.
    >in the middle of it all, Red is sprawled haphazardly on the floor, snoring loudly
  176. 176.
    >you give her a good kick with your front hoof
  177. 177.
    "Red, what the fuck?"
  178. 178.
    >Red groans, and her eyes flutter open
  179. 179.
    >she takes a moment to scratch her thigh before rolling over and sitting up
  180. 180.
    >Red rubs her eye with a matted hoof before offering you a weak greeting
  181. 181.
    <"H… hey, Green."
  182. 182.
    >you eyeball the mayhem on the floor
  183. 183.
    "How fucking long have you been here?"
  184. 184.
    <"A…bout a… week…ish?"
  185. 185.
    "Goodness fuck, dude. Why?"
  186. 186.
    <"Uh, that's kind of a funny story. By which I mean the kind of funny that isn't actually funny at all."
  187. 187.
    "Oh, geez, what is it? Did you get kicked out or something?"
  188. 188.
    <"No. I mean, yes. I mean, well, not by Jim. You see, uh, Jim took off like a month ago. And, you know, that's not so unusual for him. Knowing him he's probably just in a cocaine coma in the Fillyppines again or something like that."
  189. 189.
    "What the fuck."
  190. 190.
    <"The point is, I figured he'd be back at some point. And, you know, it's not such a big deal for me if he wants to go off looking for exotic drugs for a while. I was a grown-ass man once upon a time, I don't need a damn Twilight Sparkle to wipe my ass every day."
  191. 191.
    "But…?"
  192. 192.
    <"Well, the bills stopped getting paid. The bank foreclosed the house and kicked me out. The fucking kikes…"
  193. 193.
    "Goodness fuck! Is that why I haven't seen you outside of school this whole week?"
  194. 194.
    <"Yep. No offense dude, but you do still live with the purple bitch. The last thing I need is Twilight-shitting-Sparkles forcing me to move back in with her."
  195. 195.
    "Better than being homeless!"
  196. 196.
    <"That's highly debatable. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about this anymore. Orange is coming, and today might be the last day we get the whole Triple-K Mafia together.
  197. 197.
    >for some reason, Red averts her eyes from yours
  198. 198.
    <"Let's just focus on that, okay?"
  199. 199.
    >you poke at some of the trash and sigh
  200. 200.
    "All right. For now, anyway. Let's get this fucking place cleaned up though."
  201. 201.
     
  202. 202.
    >by the time Orange shows up in the KKKlubhouse, the place is clean enough
  203. 203.
    >you even got Red to rinse off in a creek
  204. 204.
    >Orange slips her saddlebag off of her ass and crouches
  205. 205.
    ^"How the fuck are my niggers doing?!"
  206. 206.
    >then
  207. 207.
    >she leaps at you
  208. 208.
    "No, wait, my anus isn't-"
  209. 209.
    >too late
  210. 210.
    >the orange filly has already tackled you to the ground and begun to noogie you
  211. 211.
    <"Ah! No! Red, help me!"
  212. 212.
    ^"Help me flip her over! Tickle that fucking belly!"
  213. 213.
    >Red decides to go with Orange's request, rather than yours
  214. 214.
    "Ah! No! Ah! Ah! Why?!"
  215. 215.
    >after a few minutes of wild thrashing, you manage to break free from your tormentors
  216. 216.
    >as soon as you succeed in suppressing your convulsive laughter, you scowl at Orange
  217. 217.
    "Round two, bitch!"
  218. 218.
    >Orange doesn't stop laughing, even as you pin her to the ground
  219. 219.
    "Red, hold her back legs down! She's not getting away from us again!"
  220. 220.
    ^"Oh, come on, where's your fucking loyalty?"
  221. 221.
    <"Might is right!"
  222. 222.
    >Red happily flops down on Orange's flailing back legs
  223. 223.
    >try as she might, Orange eventually has to concede that she can't escape
  224. 224.
    ^"All right, shit, you win, I'm sorry!"
  225. 225.
    >you let Orange get up and catch her breath
  226. 226.
    >hugs and laughs are briefly exchanged
  227. 227.
    <"It's good to see you again, Orange."
  228. 228.
    >Orange puts on a look of mock-bewilderment
  229. 229.
    ^"Oh, did you think we were done?"
  230. 230.
    <"Done with what?"
  231. 231.
    >Orange grins
  232. 232.
    ^"Green, what do you think?"
  233. 233.
    >Orange's meaning is not lost on you
  234. 234.
    >and you eye Red predatorially
  235. 235.
    "Oh, I'd say the beatdowns are only, say… two-thirds of the way over."
  236. 236.
    <"Oh shi-"
  237. 237.
    >you and Orange waste no time in pinning down Red and subjecting her snoot to merciless booping
  238. 238.
    >a few minutes later, when you're all satisfied that everyone's gotten their daily dose, the greetings begin in earnest
  239. 239.
    ^"All right. Plans. Lay em on me."
  240. 240.
    "Snekface is still down in the bog and still responds to commands. We could ride him through town again."
  241. 241.
    >Red tosses a few small explosives in the floor
  242. 242.
    <"Firecrackers in mailboxes."
  243. 243.
    >Orange shakes her head
  244. 244.
    ^"What is this, fuckin' amateur hour? And I spent all this time planning shit out…"
  245. 245.
    >Orange pulls a stack of papers from her saddlebag and lays them out on the floor
  246. 246.
    ^"Check out this shit."
  247. 247.
    >you and Red pour over the extensive plans
  248. 248.
    "Damn that's pretty detailed. Maps, blueprints, contingency plans…"
  249. 249.
    <"Diplomatic immunity?!"
  250. 250.
    ^"Hey, my legal guardian's a big foreign diplomat, you know."
  251. 251.
    <"This is fantastic shit. I'm in."
  252. 252.
    ^"Green?"
  253. 253.
    "Oh yeah. Definitely."
  254. 254.
    >you grin
  255. 255.
    "I just wish this town had more than one candy store."
  256. 256.
     
  257. 257.
    >your codename: Green Hornet
  258. 258.
    >Orange's codename: Orange Crush
  259. 259.
    >Red's codename: Red Death
  260. 260.
    "2edgy4me"
  261. 261.
    <"Shut up!"
  262. 262.
    >phase: Green Hornet
  263. 263.
    >the door jingles as you merrily trot inside
  264. 264.
    "Hi, Miss Candy Store!"
  265. 265.
    >Bon Bon frowns
  266. 266.
    >"That's not my n-"
  267. 267.
    >as her eyes meet yours, you smile sweetly and flutter your eyelashes a bit
  268. 268.
    >"Wh-what do you want, Anon?"
  269. 269.
    >this question is your cue to giggle like the innocent little filly you aren't
  270. 270.
    "Just some candy, Miss Candy Store."
  271. 271.
    >Bon Bon's eyes narrow in evident suspicion
  272. 272.
    >"Which candy?"
  273. 273.
    "Um, let me see…"
  274. 274.
    >phase: Orange Crush
  275. 275.
    >the layout of Bon Bon's candy store is fairly straightforward
  276. 276.
    >the small building consists of one large room
  277. 277.
    >a glass counter displays the readily-available candies and divides the shop into a 3/4s portion and a 1/4 portion
  278. 278.
    >the 1/4 portion is where the customers line up and order their candy
  279. 279.
    >there is no candy in the customer portion itself
  280. 280.
    >the 3/4s portion is where Bon Bon manages the store from
  281. 281.
    >in the area behind the counter, great stocks of candy are plainly visible on big shelves
  282. 282.
    >also in the area behind the counter?
  283. 283.
    >two windows
  284. 284.
    >as the party-member with the diplomatic immunity, Orange is the one who silently slips in through one of these windows, saddlebag on ass
  285. 285.
    >it takes all of your willpower to keep your eyes off of Orange entirely
  286. 286.
    >don't want to draw any attention to her, after all
  287. 287.
    >your gaze flits deliberately between Bon Bon and the candy in the counter
  288. 288.
    >your speech is loud, slow, and stupid
  289. 289.
    "Uh, I want… um… what's that?"
  290. 290.
    >"That's chocolate."
  291. 291.
    "Is it good?"
  292. 292.
    >"Anon, I know for a fact you've eaten chocolate before."
  293. 293.
    "You don't know me!"
  294. 294.
    >"I've sold it to you."
  295. 295.
    "You know what, that's a good point. Chocolate is old hat. I'd rather try something… new."
  296. 296.
    >Bon Bon groans
  297. 297.
    "Say, are those taffies made with real saltwater?"
  298. 298.
    >from the back of the store
  299. 299.
    >there's a thump
  300. 300.
    >Bon Bon scowls and wheels around immediately
  301. 301.
    >Orange stands by the open window, staring at the ceiling
  302. 302.
    >"You! What are you doing back there?!"
  303. 303.
    >Orange's eyes widen, and she taps her chest with her hoof
  304. 304.
    ^"Who? Me?"
  305. 305.
    >then she smiles blankly
  306. 306.
    ^"I got lost."
  307. 307.
    >"Uh huh."
  308. 308.
    >Bon Bon stalks to the window and sticks her head out of it
  309. 309.
    >phase: Red Death
  310. 310.
    >Bon Bon scans the outside angrily
  311. 311.
    >but apparently sees nothing
  312. 312.
    >so she pulls her head back in, closes the window, and glares at Orange
  313. 313.
    >"For future reference, the front door is over there."
  314. 314.
    ^"Is it?"
  315. 315.
    >Bon Bon growls, and grabs Orange by the scruff of her neck
  316. 316.
    ^"Whoah, stranger danger!"
  317. 317.
    >Orange is unceremoniously deposited on the customers' side of the counter next to you
  318. 318.
    >you look askance at your friend
  319. 319.
    >she smirks and holds out her hoof
  320. 320.
    >you grin and bump that fucking hoof
  321. 321.
    >"So… Anon… other Anon… what are you buying today?"
  322. 322.
    "Um… so, what exactly is the deal with these lollipop things?"
  323. 323.
    >the hard part is over now
  324. 324.
    >just gotta wait for the signal from-
  325. 325.
    >the door jingles open
  326. 326.
    <"Hi, fwens!"
  327. 327.
    >Bon Bon's suspicion reaches fever pitch
  328. 328.
    >"Other other Anon… since when do you talk like that?"
  329. 329.
    >Red covers her mouth and giggles
  330. 330.
    <"Tee hee hee."
  331. 331.
    "Tee hee hee."
  332. 332.
    ^"Tee hee hee."
  333. 333.
    <"Tehehe"
  334. 334.
    "Tee hee."
  335. 335.
    ^"Heh."
  336. 336.
    >"Are you three gonna buy something or what?!"
  337. 337.
    "Uh, actually, I'm watching my weight. Bye, Miss Candy Store!"
  338. 338.
    ^"See ya around, Bonny."
  339. 339.
    <"Wait, I want peanut brittle."
  340. 340.
    "Fatass."
  341. 341.
    <"Fuck off."
  342. 342.
     
  343. 343.
    >now that Red's got her legal peanut brittle, the door jingles again as the KKK steps outside
  344. 344.
    "What the fuck happened?"
  345. 345.
    ^"Lost my grip on the damn bag as I was lowering it out the window."
  346. 346.
    <"I caught it though, so nothing should be damaged."
  347. 347.
    "Fucking based. Where'd you hide that shit, nigger?"
  348. 348.
    <"This way, come on."
  349. 349.
    >Red leads you to a nearby bench
  350. 350.
    >she crawls underneath and emerges with Orange's now-bulging saddlebag
  351. 351.
    >Orange puts her saddlebag on and then gestures at the candy shop
  352. 352.
    ^"We're being watched. Let's move out a little ways."
  353. 353.
    >sure enough, the Eye of Bon Bon is shining malevolently through the shop window
  354. 354.
    "Yeah, let's do this at the KKKlubhouse."
  355. 355.
    >the three of you make your way across town, generally shoving and talking shit to each other
  356. 356.
    >when lamers see the three of you, they tend to assume you fucking hate each other
  357. 357.
    >but lamers are retards
  358. 358.
    >what the lamers in this town don't understand is this:
  359. 359.
    >if you're not comfortable enough around someone to call them a faggot, are you really even friends?
  360. 360.
    >the physical closeness of constant ass-beatings is the wellspring from which flows the emotional closeness of a lasting and satisfying relationship
  361. 361.
    >that's why you tackle Orange and rip the saddlebag off her ass as soon as you're inside the KKKlubhouse
  362. 362.
    ^"Aw, you bitch."
  363. 363.
    "What's in that bag? Better not be stolen shit!"
  364. 364.
    >Orange stifles a chuckle
  365. 365.
    ^"You're fucking retarded."
  366. 366.
    >Orange reaches for her saddlebag
  367. 367.
    >so you toss it to Red
  368. 368.
    >Red promptly sits down and opens up the bag
  369. 369.
    <"Hot damn that's a good haul."
  370. 370.
    >from one pouch she pulls out a jar of chocolate bark and a jar of jaw-breakers
  371. 371.
    >from the other pouch, lollipops - the good ones, big and spherical and opaque - and fudge
  372. 372.
    ^"I would've diversified our assets a bit more, but I was worried she'd hear the individual candies clacking together, so I just grabbed whole jars instead. Gimme some of that fudge."
  373. 373.
    "Oh, you like packing fudge, huh?"
  374. 374.
    >Red pops open the fudge jar and tosses a piece at Orange
  375. 375.
    >Orange catches it in her mouth, and doesn't answer you til she's swallowed it
  376. 376.
    ^"Green, are you always thinking of gay buttsex?"
  377. 377.
    "Only with your mom lel."
  378. 378.
    >Red pops a lollipop out of her mouth
  379. 379.
    <"You guys aren't making any sense. We don't even have dicks anymore."
  380. 380.
    ^"Yeah, but if Green still had hers she'd be a big faggot."
  381. 381.
    >you reach for some chocolate bark
  382. 382.
    "You're one to talk, you big… fag…got. Yeah, uh, what now."
  383. 383.
    >a single nibble of Bon Bon's chocolate bark sends you sprawling on the floor
  384. 384.
    "Fucking hell that's good shit."
  385. 385.
    >a pair of full mouths mutter their agreement
  386. 386.
    <"It's good shit."
  387. 387.
    ^"Good shit."
  388. 388.
    >more candy disappears in contented silence
  389. 389.
    >but out of the silence…
  390. 390.
    >someone knocks on the door
  391. 391.
    ^"What the fuck I thought noone knew about this place!"
  392. 392.
    >knocking becomes pounding
  393. 393.
    <"Oh man oh shit it's the Guard we're fucked!"
  394. 394.
    "We are not fucked! Just… hide the shit!"
  395. 395.
    >one mad scramble later, and you open the door
  396. 396.
    /"Hi Nons."
  397. 397.
     
  398. 398.
    >never one to need an invitation, Tripfag trots into the KKKlubhouse
  399. 399.
    >picks out a corner
  400. 400.
    >and falls asleep on the spot
  401. 401.
    "Huh. I wonder if I should be concerned."
  402. 402.
    <"Uh, yeah. How the fuck did Tripfag get here on her own?"
  403. 403.
    "That's a good question. If I had to guess, I'd say it all started this morning, when Twilight told me to take Tripfag out."
  404. 404.
    <"And, what, you agreed to this?!"
  405. 405.
    "There were a thousand Good Filly Points on the line; don't act like you wouldn't have!"
  406. 406.
    ^"Okay, calm down. Obviously you didn't actually end up bringing Tripfag here, so what happened?"
  407. 407.
    "Well, I dropped her off at the daycare. I had some bits set aside and I figured-"
  408. 408.
    <"And she let you do this?!"
  409. 409.
    "Well, she said she wanted a nap."
  410. 410.
    >Red eyes the peacefully sleeping tard with trepidation
  411. 411.
    <"I don't like this, Green. There's a scheme here."
  412. 412.
    >then
  413. 413.
    >it happens
  414. 414.
    >knock
  415. 415.
    >knock
  416. 416.
    >knock
  417. 417.
    >now, in all of Equestria, there are only three Kool Kids
  418. 418.
    >and one tard who's tangentially connected to them
  419. 419.
    >all four of these are present in the KKKlubhouse already
  420. 420.
    >which means that whoever is outside must be…
  421. 421.
    >a lamer
  422. 422.
    >Red's wide eyes tell you that she understands this as well as you do
  423. 423.
    <"It's happening."
  424. 424.
    >Orange nudges you
  425. 425.
    ^"Answer it."
  426. 426.
    "Why do I have to answer it? I got it the last time."
  427. 427.
    ^"Because I'm the guest, and Red's about to piss herself."
  428. 428.
    <"A-am not!"
  429. 429.
    "So answer it."
  430. 430.
    <"All right I might have let out a tiny dribble already. Like really tiny though I don't think it even dripped to the floor."
  431. 431.
    "Fucking damnit."
  432. 432.
    >you push the door open
  433. 433.
    >"Why, little Anon! All three of you!"
  434. 434.
    "H-hey, uh, I mean, er, hi Miss Sleepytime. What brings you here?"
  435. 435.
    >"Oh me, oh my. Your sister got out of the yard somehow. I followed her here. You girls haven't seen the silly dear, have you? I'd hate for her to have run off into the forest."
  436. 436.
    "Well, what do you know, she's right over there, safe and sound."
  437. 437.
    >"Bless my soul! There she is, sleeping like a little angel! How ever did she get it into her head to run off like that?"
  438. 438.
    "She's special."
  439. 439.
    >something beneath Sleepytime Tea's "friendly old lady mask" twitches
  440. 440.
    >"She certainly is. Would you girls like me to take her off your hooves so you can keep playing?"
  441. 441.
    "Yes, please."
  442. 442.
    >"Well, I'll just pick her up then…"
  443. 443.
    >the old unicorn's horn envelops the sleeping tard in a gentle glow and carries her out of the KKKlubhouse
  444. 444.
    >"Now you three be careful, playing so close to the Everfree Forest."
  445. 445.
    "We will, we pr-"
  446. 446.
    >Tripfag's eye cracks open with an evil gleam
  447. 447.
    "WATCH OUT IT'S A TRICK!"
  448. 448.
    >too late
  449. 449.
    >Tripfag unleashes her Raptard Roar and thrashes wildly
  450. 450.
    /"REEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUWWWRRRGGGHHHHHH"
  451. 451.
    >Sleepytime Tea's gentle aura breaks almost immediately under the pressure of Tripfag's tard strength
  452. 452.
    >Tripfag hits the ground running
  453. 453.
    >bashes Sleepytime with her helmet
  454. 454.
    >and gallops into the forest
  455. 455.
     
  456. 456.
    >Sleepytime Tea is insensate on the ground
  457. 457.
    ^"Uh, is she gonna be okay?"
  458. 458.
    "Who gives a fuck? If Tripfag gets eaten by timberwolves or whatever Twilight's gonna hang my fucking ass over her fireplace!"
  459. 459.
    ^"Yeah, but this bitch might be in need of immediate medical attention."
  460. 460.
    <"Eh, she'll probably be okay."
  461. 461.
    >Orange pokes at the unconscious old lady
  462. 462.
    >who proceeds to cough up a small amount of blood
  463. 463.
    <"I mean, she might be okay. Maybe."
  464. 464.
    >you sigh
  465. 465.
    "Look, you two keep hanging out. I'll go after Tripfag."
  466. 466.
    ^"Whoah, what the fuck?!"
  467. 467.
    "Shit, this might be the last time you're in town. You two, at least, shouldn't have to spend it tard-wrangling. Tripfag is my problem, so I'll take care of her."
  468. 468.
    >Red and Orange exchange a sideways glance
  469. 469.
    <"Look, Green. That's not exactly what's going on here. The truth is-"
  470. 470.
    ^"-That the KKK always rides together!"
  471. 471.
    >and now your friends are glaring at each other
  472. 472.
    "What the fuck was that?"
  473. 473.
    ^"What the fuck was what?"
  474. 474.
    "The way you just interrupted Red."
  475. 475.
    ^"She was probably just about to say something gay. Right, you big fag?"
  476. 476.
    >Red's scowl cracks as she eyeballs the ground
  477. 477.
    <"Sure."
  478. 478.
    >you shake your head
  479. 479.
    "Look, I don't have time for you guys' homoerotic tension. I've got a tard to rescue."
  480. 480.
    >you run into the forest right about where you saw Tripfag disappear
  481. 481.
    ^"Well, we're coming too, faget!"
  482. 482.
    >Red and Orange break through the underbrush behind you
  483. 483.
    >you're so fucking glad they can't see you smiling right now
  484. 484.
    ^"Also, we totally just left Sleepytime Tea back there."
  485. 485.
    "We sure did."
  486. 486.
    <"Does that make us bad people?"
  487. 487.
    "Probably."
  488. 488.
    >about 32 minutes later, the enthusiasm has somewhat died down
  489. 489.
    <"Well this was a fucking terrible idea."
  490. 490.
    "Oh, you're just Mister Fucking Positivity, huh?"
  491. 491.
    ^"You ever get the feeling that we say 'fucking' too much?"
  492. 492.
    "Fuck off."
  493. 493.
    >by this point, you're pretty much lost in the woods
  494. 494.
    >no, not pretty much lost in the woods
  495. 495.
    >definitely lost in the woods
  496. 496.
    "All right, sure, maybe it would have been wiser to take an actual trail."
  497. 497.
    <"Yeah. Maybe."
  498. 498.
    "But think about it like this. Tripfag didn't take a trail, so we went in following her tracks."
  499. 499.
    <"And now we haven't seen a hoofprint in like a half an hour."
  500. 500.
    "Damn, has it been that long?"
  501. 501.
    >you find yourself looking at the ground and sighing
  502. 502.
    >and then you see it
  503. 503.
    "Oh, but what's this?"
  504. 504.
    >you're pointing at a small hoofprint within a patch of soft peat
  505. 505.
    >the others come to investigate
  506. 506.
    ^"That's… that's three sets of hoofprints. That's us."
  507. 507.
    "What?! That can't be… well… shit."
  508. 508.
    <"We're going in circles, you absolute dipshit!"
  509. 509.
    "Bitch, please. I'm the green one for a reason. I can at least get us out of the woods."
  510. 510.
    >you take your hoof to your mouth and paint a wide trail of saliva over it with your tongue
  511. 511.
    ^"Ew, don't lick that."
  512. 512.
    >admittedly, you do feel some dirt in your mouth now
  513. 513.
    >but you hold your wet hoof in the air
  514. 514.
    >and the wind is coming from…
  515. 515.
    "That way."
  516. 516.
    "And what the fuck is that based on?"
  517. 517.
    "Well the wind's coming from there. You think we're more likely to feel a breeze coming through a less trees, or more trees?"
  518. 518.
    ^"I don't think there's any guarantee it actually works that way."
  519. 519.
    "Fuck me, when did you get so damn reasonable? Let's just go this way til someone has a better idea."
  520. 520.
    >after a while of going that way, you become aware that you're finally breaking through the underbrush into open space
  521. 521.
    "A-ha! We're…"
  522. 522.
    >the open space is surrounded on all sides by more woods
  523. 523.
    "… in a clearing."
  524. 524.
    >you try to walk on
  525. 525.
    >you really do
  526. 526.
    >but after about ten steps into the clearing, you just run out of fucks to give
  527. 527.
    >and you flop down on your side
  528. 528.
    >Red flops down next to you
  529. 529.
    <"Giving up?"
  530. 530.
    "Yup."
  531. 531.
    ^"Well, this seems like a good spot to wait for help anyway. If we stay put, someone will come looking for us."
  532. 532.
    "You think so?"
  533. 533.
    ^"Oh yeah. Two wards of a princess, two wards of a foreign diplomat; someone's bound to give a shit eventually."
  534. 534.
    >two wards of a princess?
  535. 535.
    >oh, yeah, Tripfag is out here somewhere
  536. 536.
    >you and her make two
  537. 537.
    >hey now…
  538. 538.
    >wait a second…
  539. 539.
    "What do you mean, two wards of a foreign diplomat?"
  540. 540.
    >Red bolts upright
  541. 541.
    <"Oh, sweet mother of fuck…"
  542. 542.
    >Orange has all but stuffed her hoof into her mouth
  543. 543.
    >you roll over and sit up
  544. 544.
    "Guys, what the fuck is going on?"
  545. 545.
    >Red keeps glancing between you, the sky, and the ground
  546. 546.
    <"All right. First of all, I'm really sorry about getting all pissy with you back there in the trees."
  547. 547.
    "Wh… what are you saying? We get pissed off at each other on, like, an hourly basis. Why are you apologizing for that?"
  548. 548.
    <"L-look… um… the truth is that, ah, after I got kicked out of Jim's house, I kind of… uh…"
  549. 549.
    ^"She got a hold of me."
  550. 550.
    >you scratch your head
  551. 551.
    "Is that all? Like, yeah, Red, I wish you'd said something to me before today, but… it's not worth getting all gay about."
  552. 552.
    ^"G-Green, the reason why Aryanne and I came down to Ponyville today…"
  553. 553.
    >man, your throat really hurts for some reason
  554. 554.
    >and your vision is all blurry too
  555. 555.
    ^"Oh, fuck, I can't do this."
  556. 556.
    "C-c-come on guys, just… spit it out. This is… really awkward."
  557. 557.
    >Red almost looks you in the eye
  558. 558.
    >but ultimately can't do it
  559. 559.
    <"Aryanne's been in town hall doing paperwork all day. To adopt me. I was gonna move to the Black Forest today."
  560. 560.
     
  561. 561.
    >somewhere in the Everfree Forest
  562. 562.
    >there is a clearing
  563. 563.
    >a traveller, passing by this part of the woods, in this moment of time, would hear something like this:
  564. 564.
    "YOU COCK-LICKING FUCK-SHITTING CUNT-NIGGING ASSFUCKS!"
  565. 565.
    ^"Look, we knew we'd have to say something eventually, but it's… well, it can be hard to tell you things you don't want to hear."
  566. 566.
    "So, what, were you just gonna send me a fucking letter about it next week, because, because you didn't fucking trust me to take it like someone who used to be a grown-ass fucking adult?!"
  567. 567.
    ^"It was gonna be today… probably."
  568. 568.
    "Oh, sure, so it'd be, 'By the way, we're leaving your ass all alone in Ponyville right the fuck now. Have a nice life, faggot!'"
  569. 569.
    ^"Well shit! You think I don't know that it's not easy to be alone?! It sucks! But, you know, fuck me, right?!"
  570. 570.
    "No, that's not… you know what, yeah! Fuck you!"
  571. 571.
    <"G-guys…"
  572. 572.
    "And you! You all literally all damn fucking week to say something! What the fuck am I to you? Just the dumb fuck you copy your homework from?!"
  573. 573.
    <"Green, c-calm down now."
  574. 574.
    "Would you fucking look at me while I bitch at you, you big fucking pussy?! What the fuck are you staring at?"
  575. 575.
    ^"Oh…"
  576. 576.
    "What, bitch?! You getting lonely back there?"
  577. 577.
    >Orange points in the direction that Red is staring in
  578. 578.
    ^"Shut… up…"
  579. 579.
    >huh?
  580. 580.
    >you twist your head to look at the treeline
  581. 581.
    >a strange shadow looms in the woods
  582. 582.
    >something has heard you
  583. 583.
    "Oh."
  584. 584.
    >the creature isn't large in and of itself
  585. 585.
    >but its eerie, cone-shaped head reaches far above the rest of its body
  586. 586.
    >slowly
  587. 587.
    >steadily
  588. 588.
    >inevitably
  589. 589.
    >the creature makes its way forward
  590. 590.
    >in another moment, the monster is fully visible in the lighted forest clearing
  591. 591.
    >and with a shock, you realize that it's-
  592. 592.
    /"Hi Nons."
  593. 593.
     
  594. 594.
    >Tripfag saunters into the clearing with the silliest damn hat glued to her helmet with mud
  595. 595.
    >it's a big cone made of sticks and mud and leaves
  596. 596.
    >she sits down and pulls the thing off
  597. 597.
    >when she sets it down and starts pulling it apart, you realize
  598. 598.
    >it's not just one silly damn hat
  599. 599.
    >it's a stack of silly damn hats
  600. 600.
    >when four of the mud-cones are standing on the ground, Tripfag sticks one of them back on her helmet and stands up
  601. 601.
    /"Racis hats."
  602. 602.
    "What, like Klan hoods?"
  603. 603.
    >Tripfag nods
  604. 604.
    <"Is that because we call ourselves the KKK?"
  605. 605.
    >Tripfag nods again
  606. 606.
    ^"That's so fucked up. Thanks, Tripfag."
  607. 607.
    >Orange takes a hat and sticks it on her scalp
  608. 608.
    >a glob of mud drips onto her brow, but she hardly seems to notice
  609. 609.
    >Red approaches the hats next
  610. 610.
    >she pokes at one with her hoof
  611. 611.
    >and then cautiously sets one on her head too
  612. 612.
    >the two of them look at each other
  613. 613.
    >and break out into a soft chuckle
  614. 614.
    >Orange gestures at you with her head
  615. 615.
    "H-huh?"
  616. 616.
    >Red grins
  617. 617.
    >together, they pick up the last remaining Klan hood
  618. 618.
    >walk over to you
  619. 619.
    >and set it down on your head
  620. 620.
    >the mud is cool and squishy as they tap it around your forehead to secure the hat
  621. 621.
    "U-um… uh…"
  622. 622.
    >why is your face so hot?
  623. 623.
    <"Geez, I thought I was the red one."
  624. 624.
    ^"Heh!
  625. 625.
    >Tripfag nods with her usual vacant smile
  626. 626.
    >then bends down and sniffs the ground
  627. 627.
    /"Less go."
  628. 628.
    >following her nose, the enigmatic tard dashes out of the clearing
  629. 629.
    >the Sun shines down from straight overhead
  630. 630.
    >the grass is soft under your hooves
  631. 631.
    >you try to recall your anger
  632. 632.
    >but something else comes out instead
  633. 633.
    "G-guys, I'm, uh, sorry for unironically blowing up on you like that. It's just… uh…"
  634. 634.
    ^"Hey, sorry's enough. For the record, I'm sorry too. Let's not start crying or anything now."
  635. 635.
    <"C-crying? Who the fuck said I was crying?!"
  636. 636.
    ^"Heh."
  637. 637.
    "Heh."
  638. 638.
    <"I-it's just sweat! I mean, uh, I'm… sorry too."
  639. 639.
    >a soft breeze tickles your nose
  640. 640.
    "We should probably follow Tripfag. I think she's trying to smell her way home."
  641. 641.
    <"Can tards do that? Navigate by scent?"
  642. 642.
    "I dunno. Probably."
  643. 643.
     
  644. 644.
    >Tripfag's tard-sense does indeed lead the four of you out of the Everfree Forest
  645. 645.
    >by the time you get there, the mud-hats she made have all fallen apart
  646. 646.
    >but frankly, the mud and leaves you're now covered in make for a good "poor lost filly" look
  647. 647.
    >you see the ponies gathered at the edge of the woods before they see you
  648. 648.
    >"I saw her go in there!"
  649. 649.
    >Sleepytime Tea, with a bandage around her head, is pointing into the woods
  650. 650.
    >Twilight is peering anxiously into the trees and trotting in place
  651. 651.
    >a white earth pony you recognize as Aryanne stands by grimly
  652. 652.
    >but no sooner does Twilight spot you than you and Tripfag are wrapped up in a purple aura
  653. 653.
    >and pulled in for a big, cringeworthy hug
  654. 654.
    ~"I'm so glad you two are all right!"
  655. 655.
    >you're already struggling to escape
  656. 656.
    "All right, that's enough intimacy for today. You can let me go now."
  657. 657.
    >you're pulled in even tighter
  658. 658.
    "I fucking hate my life."
  659. 659.
    >never in a thousand million years would you ever admit that snuggling into Twilight's warm, soft coat is actually kind of relaxing
  660. 660.
    >Aryanne seems to have the courtesy to be a bit less affectionate with her ward
  661. 661.
    >or maybe that's just how she is
  662. 662.
    _"Anonymous."
  663. 663.
    >three pairs of eyes lock onto her
  664. 664.
    _"Nein, not you. Ze orange one."
  665. 665.
    ^"Uh, hey, 'Anne. How's your day been?"
  666. 666.
    _"Did you stand by your kameraden?"
  667. 667.
    >Orange blinks
  668. 668.
    ^"Uh, yeah."
  669. 669.
    _"Good."
  670. 670.
    >Red shuffles a bit awkwardly in place
  671. 671.
    >Aryanne notices
  672. 672.
    _"Ah, you must be ze red Anonymous. I am afraid I have been through a bit of needless trouble on your behalf today."
  673. 673.
    >Red stares at the Black Forester with wide eyes
  674. 674.
    <"What do you mean by this?"
  675. 675.
    >Twilight loosens her grip to look around
  676. 676.
    ~"That's weird. He was right behind us when we left."
  677. 677.
    _"Ah, mein princess, you cannot expect a sub-equine to keep pace vith the gallop of pure Equaryans like us."
  678. 678.
    >Twilight grits her teeth
  679. 679.
    ^"Black Forest culture is very fascinating."
  680. 680.
    >that's when you hear it
  681. 681.
    >a squeal in the distance
  682. 682.
    >a pig in a Hawaiian shirt is stumbling toward the reunion as fast as he can
  683. 683.
    <"Jim!"
  684. 684.
    >Red gallops off to meet her irresponsible guardian halfway
  685. 685.
    <"Holy shit dude, where the fuck were you?!"
  686. 686.
    >Jim snorts and grunts in response
  687. 687.
    >Red squeals
  688. 688.
    <"That's fucking wild, man!"
  689. 689.
    >for some reason, Orange has become very interested in the ground
  690. 690.
    ^"Oh. So I am the one who ends up alone after all."
  691. 691.
    _"Hm? Vhat did you say?"
  692. 692.
    ^"Uh, nothing, it's just…"
  693. 693.
    _"Do you know, I recieved a telegram from ze Fuhrer you may be interested in."
  694. 694.
    ^"Oh?"
  695. 695.
    _"Ja. I am to be ze Black Forest's ambassador to Equestria, effective immediately."
  696. 696.
    ^"Oh, that's neat. So we'll be moving to Canterlot?"
  697. 697.
    _"Nein. Ze city is too degenerate for me."
  698. 698.
    >Aryanne cracks her first smile of the day
  699. 699.
    _"And zere is a princess right here in Ponyville…"
  700. 700.
    "Holy fuckmuffins!"
  701. 701.
    >you finally break free of Twilight's grasp, then twist around to look at her
  702. 702.
    >she shrugs
  703. 703.
    ~"I might have pulled a few strings."
  704. 704.
    >Red seemingly teleports behind Orange
  705. 705.
    <"Is she back?"
  706. 706.
    "Yeah, I'm thinking she's back."
  707. 707.
    >in no time at all, you've begun chanting KKK and dogpiled the fuck out of Orange
  708. 708.
    >Tripfag is apparently happy too
  709. 709.
    /"All fucking ziggers must fucking hang!"
  710. 710.
    >the Sun shines brightly over one smiling tard
  711. 711.
    >one mortified princess
  712. 712.
    >one grinning ambassador
  713. 713.
    >one grunting pig
  714. 714.
    >and three laughing fillies
  715. 715.
     
  716. 716.
    Epilogue: Operation Z-Word
  717. 717.
     
  718. 718.
    >Twilight has agreed to mediate a dispute between the Black Forest and Zebrica
  719. 719.
    >Aryanne, who's been in town about a month, is displeased at having to sit at the same table as a zebra ambassador
  720. 720.
    >but the stern Black Forester won't argue with orders from her homeland
  721. 721.
    >for some reason, Twilight decided to incorporate you and your friends into ceremonial roles during the proceedings
  722. 722.
    >why the fuck she thought that would be a good idea, you have no idea
  723. 723.
    >Operation Z-Word is go
  724. 724.
    >it's a bit of a long-shot, to be sure
  725. 725.
    >but Lady Luck smiles on those who take chances
  726. 726.
    >neither of the ambasaadors have arrived at the castle yet
  727. 727.
    >Orange went off to retrieve them a while ago
  728. 728.
    >Red is standing at the door
  729. 729.
    >unbeknownst to Twilight, Red is also listening in via some little magic thingy you stole from Twilight's basement last night
  730. 730.
    >hopefully that doesn't backfire horrifically
  731. 731.
    >currently, you and Twilight are making some last minute preparations to the conference room
  732. 732.
    >okay, based on the timing you discussed with Orange…
  733. 733.
    >phase: Green Hornet should start…
  734. 734.
    >now
  735. 735.
    "You know, I'm gonna say the Z-word."
  736. 736.
    >Twilight frowns
  737. 737.
    ~"No. You can't say the Z-word."
  738. 738.
    >you put on your biggest, sweetest smile
  739. 739.
    "I'm gonna say it."
  740. 740.
    >Twilight's sharp glare would daunt a fainter heart than yours
  741. 741.
    "Z-!"
  742. 742.
    ~"Anon, I swear-"
  743. 743.
    "Zig-!"
  744. 744.
    >and when you feel Twilight's magic hoist you up by your throat
  745. 745.
    >that's when you know you've won
  746. 746.
    >Twilight's voice lowers to a dangerous hiss
  747. 747.
    ~"Anon, let me make this perfectly clear to you: this is the first major diplomatic event that has ever been entrusted to me, and to me alone. This is a major milestone in my transition to the role of Equestria's sole ruler."
  748. 748.
    >and then
  749. 749.
    >in a foam-flecking roar:
  750. 750.
    ~"AND I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU CALL THE ZEBRICAN AMBASSADOR A-"
  751. 751.
    >in that instant, Red and Orange fling the double doors to the conference room wide-open, revealing Aryanne and the Zebrican
  752. 752.
    ~"-ZIGGER!"

Horse Confessions

by Writefag_Roulette

Anon Tried to Kill Himself

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Rubehog Day: Ruby Destination (/pone/ CYOA)

by Writefag_Roulette

The Skintrotter

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Legend of the Wandering Autist

by Writefag_Roulette