The Kool Kids' Klub


                                            ~"Anon, are you going out?"

                                            >oh, fuck, she wants something

                                            >just pretend you didn't hear her

                                            >just go right on outside now

                                            "Yeah, what's up?"

                                            >FUCK

                                            >why would you do that?

                                            ~"Can you take your sister with you?"

                                            >sister?

                                            >what the hell does she…

                                            >oh

                                            >oh, fuck that shit

                                            "SorryIdon'thaveasisterbye!"

                                            >you dart outside as fast as you can

                                            >only to wrapped in a purple aura

                                            >and teleported back inside of Twilight's castle

                                            ~"You know what I mean, Anon."

                                            "Twilight, Orange is back in town today. Me and the gang are gonna get into some wild shit. We can't have… her… dragging us down."

                                            >Twilight's eyes narrow

                                            ~"What do you mean by 'wild shit?'"

                                            "Uh, like, uh, n-nothing, uh, crazy, you know. J-just um…"

                                            ~"Anon, am I gonna have to bail you three out of prison again?"

                                            "What? No, of course not."

                                            ~"Or rescue you from an angry lynch mob?"

                                            "Definitely not. That was a one time thing, I promise."

                                            ~"Or drive out a hydra you decided to bring into town?"

                                            "Snekface did nothing wr- I mean, uh, nope. No way."

                                            ~"Then I don't see why you can't take your sister with you."

                                            "First of all, because she is not, never has been, and never will be my fucking sister. Second of all, because nobody likes her!"

                                            >Twilight sighs

                                            ~"Look, Anon, I'm about to try some fairly dangerous experiments. If she stays here, she might get hurt."

                                            "Not seeing the problem here."

                                            >a solid aura smacks you in the back of the head

                                            ~"How can you be like that? She's disabled!"

                                            >you can feel your eyebrows knit tight

                                            >and the skin on your snoot begins to scrunch

                                            >your gaze narrows

                                            >and so does hers

                                            "How many Good Filly Points is it worth to you?"

                                            >a single bead of sweat rolls down Twilight's face

                                            ~"A hundred."

                                            "No way. We're talking about something that could seriously strain my friendship here."

                                            >Twilight's face cracks, almost audibly, when you drop the F-word

                                            "And you know how hard long-distance friendships can be to begin with."

                                            >Twilight can't maintain her stern gaze anymore

                                            >you're in control here

                                            >you grin

                                            "I want twelve-hundred."

                                            >you are, of course, shooting for a thousand

                                            >Twilight scowls

                                            ~"A thousand."

                                            "Deal."

                                            >flawless victory

                                            >Twilight sighs

                                            ~"All right, go get her now. And try to have fun with your friends."

                                            >oh, right

                                            >flawless victory, except that you have to spend the day tard-wrangling

                                            >reluctantly, you head upstairs to Tripfag's room

                                            >upon entering her room, the stench tells you that she spent all night shitting on the floor

                                            >again

                                            >for all the world, this filly looks almost identical to you

                                            >except that she's got an exclamation mark on her ass, instead of a question mark

                                            >and her green coat is a bit more saturated than yours

                                            >also, she's retarded

                                            >currently, she's busily engaged in bashing her helmet against the wall

                                            >Tripfag pauses for a moment to acknowledge your entrance

                                            /"Hi Non."

                                            >and she's right back to the bashing

                                            /"Hey, Tripfag. Twilight wants me to take you out."

                                            >Tripfag ceases her wall-abuse and blinks at you

                                            "Come on, bud. I'll get your leash on you and then we can go."

                                            /"Kay Non."


                                            >here's what most people don't get about Tripfag

                                            >she's evil

                                            >yes, she's a tard

                                            >but she knows it

                                            >uses it

                                            >when she knocks down Diamond Tiara with tard strength

                                            >when she pisses on your bed covers

                                            >when she eats Spike's rare comic collection

                                            >I'm a tard, she says

                                            >you can't do shit to me, she says

                                            >it's not in her words

                                            >it's in her smile

                                            >in her eyes

                                            /"Non."

                                            >even now, walking down the street

                                            /"Non."

                                            >who knows what foul deeds are cooking in the depths of her inscrutable mind

                                            /"Non."

                                            >now if only you could find some way to ditch her before you reach the KKKlubhouse

                                            /"Non."

                                            "Wh-uh, yeah? What's up?"

                                            /"Sleepy. Want nap."

                                            "Geez, Tripfag, where the fuck do you want to take a nap at? I can't take you home right now."

                                            /"Want nap!"

                                            "All right, calm the fuck down I'll figure something out."

                                            >you scan your surroundings desperately

                                            >hoping to stave off the inevitable tard-rage somehow

                                            >maybe you could leave her on that bench?

                                            >no, that's retarded

                                            >hang on

                                            >and then you see it

                                            >salvation is in easy reach

                                            >you're standing right in front of Sleepytime Tea's Daycare Center

                                            >perfect

                                            "Hey, nap time's this way. Come on."

                                            >you tug on Tripfag's leash and lead her up to the door of the daycare center

                                            >okay, blink a few times

                                            >breathe

                                            >where's that vacant little filly smile?

                                            >there it is, on your face now

                                            >in this moment, you are adorable

                                            >and you knock on the door

                                            >the elderly proprietor wastes no time in answering

                                            >"My, little Anonymous, and Tripfag! What are you girls doing here?"

                                            "Hi Miss Sleepytime. My mommy asked me to drop off my sister here."

                                            >"Did she now? Aren't you just growing up so fast?"

                                            >you puff your chest out in childish pride

                                            "M-hm! My mommy says I'm a big filly now. She even said I could go by myself to play with my friends after this!"

                                            >"Oh, dear! Well I don't want to hold you up then!"

                                            >Sleepytime takes Tripfag's leash and guides her inside

                                            >"I'll take good care of your sister, dearie. Have fun with your friends!"

                                            "Thanks, Miss Sleepytime, I will!"

                                            >when she shuts the door, the tiresome filly mask falls off

                                            "Heh, heh, heh."

                                            >as you trot along, you think about what a great day this is shaping up to be

                                            >yeah, the daycare will cost you some bits

                                            >but you absolutely killed your last lemonade stand gig

                                            >for a thousand GFP

                                            >and a tard-free day with the lasses

                                            >it's well-worth the money


                                            >the Kool Kids' Klub, informally known as the KKK, has three members

                                            >yourself, Anonymous

                                            >an orange filly named Anonymous

                                            >and a red filly, also named Anonymous

                                            >for simplicity's sake, you all just refer to each other by your respective colors

                                            >ponies sometimes assume you're a bit like Apple Bloom's crew, the Cutie Mark Whatevers

                                            >this, however, is a mistake

                                            >there are no lamers allowed in the Kool Kids' Klub

                                            >Apple Bloom and co?

                                            >definitely lamers

                                            >all the foals in this fucking town are lamers

                                            >Diamond Tiara and her fuckbuddy, Silver What's-Her-Fuck, they used to be honorary Kool Kids

                                            >but those two have since fallen in with the lamers

                                            >maybe it's better to start from the beginning

                                            >four years ago, four fillies woke up on Twilight Sparkle's front porch

                                            >you, Red, Orange, and Tripfag

                                            >all four of you had been, up til that moment, grown-ass men living on Earth, the homeworld of all mankind

                                            >Twilight decided to take you all in until you could find proper adoptive families

                                            >Red was adopted first, by, surprisingly, a pig named Jim

                                            >Jim is very well-to-do for a pig, being the owner of a successful chain of yoga studios

                                            >apparently he's borderline neglectful, but that suits Red just fine

                                            >there's always plenty of food in his house, which is right here in Ponyville, so Red was pretty happy to get some breathing room

                                            >Twilight means well, but she's definitely a bit overbearing

                                            >Orange went next, just a few months ago

                                            >a foreign diplomat from the Black Forest named Aryanne showed up and heard about the fillies who were up for adoption

                                            >Tripfag was out of the question, no Black Forester would ever keep a tard around

                                            >from there, she made you and Orange compete in a physical obstacle course, a written exam, and a survey about your opinions on race

                                            >Orange ended up beating you out in the survey

                                            >you and Red were happy for her, of course

                                            >but she ended up moving to the Black Forest, and you haven't seen her since

                                            >but today, Aryanne apparently has some business in Ponyville again

                                            >she's bringing Orange

                                            >you can't suppress a grin as you approach the KKKlubhouse, hidden on the edge of the Everfree Forest

                                            >because today…

                                            >the KKK will ride again!


                                            >the KKKlubhouse is a fucking mess

                                            >crushed cans and tattered wrappers strewn about the floor

                                            >undone homework spilling out of a saddlebag

                                            >oh, geez, what's this sticky shit you just stepped in?

                                            >in the middle of it all, Red is sprawled haphazardly on the floor, snoring loudly

                                            >you give her a good kick with your front hoof

                                            "Red, what the fuck?"

                                            >Red groans, and her eyes flutter open

                                            >she takes a moment to scratch her thigh before rolling over and sitting up

                                            >Red rubs her eye with a matted hoof before offering you a weak greeting

                                            <"H… hey, Green."

                                            >you eyeball the mayhem on the floor

                                            "How fucking long have you been here?"

                                            <"A…bout a… week…ish?"

                                            "Goodness fuck, dude. Why?"

                                            <"Uh, that's kind of a funny story. By which I mean the kind of funny that isn't actually funny at all."

                                            "Oh, geez, what is it? Did you get kicked out or something?"

                                            <"No. I mean, yes. I mean, well, not by Jim. You see, uh, Jim took off like a month ago. And, you know, that's not so unusual for him. Knowing him he's probably just in a cocaine coma in the Fillyppines again or something like that."

                                            "What the fuck."

                                            <"The point is, I figured he'd be back at some point. And, you know, it's not such a big deal for me if he wants to go off looking for exotic drugs for a while. I was a grown-ass man once upon a time, I don't need a damn Twilight Sparkle to wipe my ass every day."

                                            "But…?"

                                            <"Well, the bills stopped getting paid. The bank foreclosed the house and kicked me out. The fucking kikes…"

                                            "Goodness fuck! Is that why I haven't seen you outside of school this whole week?"

                                            <"Yep. No offense dude, but you do still live with the purple bitch. The last thing I need is Twilight-shitting-Sparkles forcing me to move back in with her."

                                            "Better than being homeless!"

                                            <"That's highly debatable. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about this anymore. Orange is coming, and today might be the last day we get the whole Triple-K Mafia together.

                                            >for some reason, Red averts her eyes from yours

                                            <"Let's just focus on that, okay?"

                                            >you poke at some of the trash and sigh

                                            "All right. For now, anyway. Let's get this fucking place cleaned up though."


                                            >by the time Orange shows up in the KKKlubhouse, the place is clean enough

                                            >you even got Red to rinse off in a creek

                                            >Orange slips her saddlebag off of her ass and crouches

                                            ^"How the fuck are my niggers doing?!"

                                            >then

                                            >she leaps at you

                                            "No, wait, my anus isn't-"

                                            >too late

                                            >the orange filly has already tackled you to the ground and begun to noogie you

                                            <"Ah! No! Red, help me!"

                                            ^"Help me flip her over! Tickle that fucking belly!"

                                            >Red decides to go with Orange's request, rather than yours

                                            "Ah! No! Ah! Ah! Why?!"

                                            >after a few minutes of wild thrashing, you manage to break free from your tormentors

                                            >as soon as you succeed in suppressing your convulsive laughter, you scowl at Orange

                                            "Round two, bitch!"

                                            >Orange doesn't stop laughing, even as you pin her to the ground

                                            "Red, hold her back legs down! She's not getting away from us again!"

                                            ^"Oh, come on, where's your fucking loyalty?"

                                            <"Might is right!"

                                            >Red happily flops down on Orange's flailing back legs

                                            >try as she might, Orange eventually has to concede that she can't escape

                                            ^"All right, shit, you win, I'm sorry!"

                                            >you let Orange get up and catch her breath

                                            >hugs and laughs are briefly exchanged

                                            <"It's good to see you again, Orange."

                                            >Orange puts on a look of mock-bewilderment

                                            ^"Oh, did you think we were done?"

                                            <"Done with what?"

                                            >Orange grins

                                            ^"Green, what do you think?"

                                            >Orange's meaning is not lost on you

                                            >and you eye Red predatorially

                                            "Oh, I'd say the beatdowns are only, say… two-thirds of the way over."

                                            <"Oh shi-"

                                            >you and Orange waste no time in pinning down Red and subjecting her snoot to merciless booping

                                            >a few minutes later, when you're all satisfied that everyone's gotten their daily dose, the greetings begin in earnest

                                            ^"All right. Plans. Lay em on me."

                                            "Snekface is still down in the bog and still responds to commands. We could ride him through town again."

                                            >Red tosses a few small explosives in the floor

                                            <"Firecrackers in mailboxes."

                                            >Orange shakes her head

                                            ^"What is this, fuckin' amateur hour? And I spent all this time planning shit out…"

                                            >Orange pulls a stack of papers from her saddlebag and lays them out on the floor

                                            ^"Check out this shit."

                                            >you and Red pour over the extensive plans

                                            "Damn that's pretty detailed. Maps, blueprints, contingency plans…"

                                            <"Diplomatic immunity?!"

                                            ^"Hey, my legal guardian's a big foreign diplomat, you know."

                                            <"This is fantastic shit. I'm in."

                                            ^"Green?"

                                            "Oh yeah. Definitely."

                                            >you grin

                                            "I just wish this town had more than one candy store."


                                            >your codename: Green Hornet

                                            >Orange's codename: Orange Crush

                                            >Red's codename: Red Death

                                            "2edgy4me"

                                            <"Shut up!"

                                            >phase: Green Hornet

                                            >the door jingles as you merrily trot inside

                                            "Hi, Miss Candy Store!"

                                            >Bon Bon frowns

                                            >"That's not my n-"

                                            >as her eyes meet yours, you smile sweetly and flutter your eyelashes a bit

                                            >"Wh-what do you want, Anon?"

                                            >this question is your cue to giggle like the innocent little filly you aren't

                                            "Just some candy, Miss Candy Store."

                                            >Bon Bon's eyes narrow in evident suspicion

                                            >"Which candy?"

                                            "Um, let me see…"

                                            >phase: Orange Crush

                                            >the layout of Bon Bon's candy store is fairly straightforward

                                            >the small building consists of one large room

                                            >a glass counter displays the readily-available candies and divides the shop into a 3/4s portion and a 1/4 portion

                                            >the 1/4 portion is where the customers line up and order their candy

                                            >there is no candy in the customer portion itself

                                            >the 3/4s portion is where Bon Bon manages the store from

                                            >in the area behind the counter, great stocks of candy are plainly visible on big shelves

                                            >also in the area behind the counter?

                                            >two windows

                                            >as the party-member with the diplomatic immunity, Orange is the one who silently slips in through one of these windows, saddlebag on ass

                                            >it takes all of your willpower to keep your eyes off of Orange entirely

                                            >don't want to draw any attention to her, after all

                                            >your gaze flits deliberately between Bon Bon and the candy in the counter

                                            >your speech is loud, slow, and stupid

                                            "Uh, I want… um… what's that?"

                                            >"That's chocolate."

                                            "Is it good?"

                                            >"Anon, I know for a fact you've eaten chocolate before."

                                            "You don't know me!"

                                            >"I've sold it to you."

                                            "You know what, that's a good point. Chocolate is old hat. I'd rather try something… new."

                                            >Bon Bon groans

                                            "Say, are those taffies made with real saltwater?"

                                            >from the back of the store

                                            >there's a thump

                                            >Bon Bon scowls and wheels around immediately

                                            >Orange stands by the open window, staring at the ceiling

                                            >"You! What are you doing back there?!"

                                            >Orange's eyes widen, and she taps her chest with her hoof

                                            ^"Who? Me?"

                                            >then she smiles blankly

                                            ^"I got lost."

                                            >"Uh huh."

                                            >Bon Bon stalks to the window and sticks her head out of it

                                            >phase: Red Death

                                            >Bon Bon scans the outside angrily

                                            >but apparently sees nothing

                                            >so she pulls her head back in, closes the window, and glares at Orange

                                            >"For future reference, the front door is over there."

                                            ^"Is it?"

                                            >Bon Bon growls, and grabs Orange by the scruff of her neck

                                            ^"Whoah, stranger danger!"

                                            >Orange is unceremoniously deposited on the customers' side of the counter next to you

                                            >you look askance at your friend

                                            >she smirks and holds out her hoof

                                            >you grin and bump that fucking hoof

                                            >"So… Anon… other Anon… what are you buying today?"

                                            "Um… so, what exactly is the deal with these lollipop things?"

                                            >the hard part is over now

                                            >just gotta wait for the signal from-

                                            >the door jingles open

                                            <"Hi, fwens!"

                                            >Bon Bon's suspicion reaches fever pitch

                                            >"Other other Anon… since when do you talk like that?"

                                            >Red covers her mouth and giggles

                                            <"Tee hee hee."

                                            "Tee hee hee."

                                            ^"Tee hee hee."

                                            <"Tehehe"

                                            "Tee hee."

                                            ^"Heh."

                                            >"Are you three gonna buy something or what?!"

                                            "Uh, actually, I'm watching my weight. Bye, Miss Candy Store!"

                                            ^"See ya around, Bonny."

                                            <"Wait, I want peanut brittle."

                                            "Fatass."

                                            <"Fuck off."


                                            >now that Red's got her legal peanut brittle, the door jingles again as the KKK steps outside

                                            "What the fuck happened?"

                                            ^"Lost my grip on the damn bag as I was lowering it out the window."

                                            <"I caught it though, so nothing should be damaged."

                                            "Fucking based. Where'd you hide that shit, nigger?"

                                            <"This way, come on."

                                            >Red leads you to a nearby bench

                                            >she crawls underneath and emerges with Orange's now-bulging saddlebag

                                            >Orange puts her saddlebag on and then gestures at the candy shop

                                            ^"We're being watched. Let's move out a little ways."

                                            >sure enough, the Eye of Bon Bon is shining malevolently through the shop window

                                            "Yeah, let's do this at the KKKlubhouse."

                                            >the three of you make your way across town, generally shoving and talking shit to each other

                                            >when lamers see the three of you, they tend to assume you fucking hate each other

                                            >but lamers are retards

                                            >what the lamers in this town don't understand is this:

                                            >if you're not comfortable enough around someone to call them a faggot, are you really even friends?

                                            >the physical closeness of constant ass-beatings is the wellspring from which flows the emotional closeness of a lasting and satisfying relationship

                                            >that's why you tackle Orange and rip the saddlebag off her ass as soon as you're inside the KKKlubhouse

                                            ^"Aw, you bitch."

                                            "What's in that bag? Better not be stolen shit!"

                                            >Orange stifles a chuckle

                                            ^"You're fucking retarded."

                                            >Orange reaches for her saddlebag

                                            >so you toss it to Red

                                            >Red promptly sits down and opens up the bag

                                            <"Hot damn that's a good haul."

                                            >from one pouch she pulls out a jar of chocolate bark and a jar of jaw-breakers

                                            >from the other pouch, lollipops - the good ones, big and spherical and opaque - and fudge

                                            ^"I would've diversified our assets a bit more, but I was worried she'd hear the individual candies clacking together, so I just grabbed whole jars instead. Gimme some of that fudge."

                                            "Oh, you like packing fudge, huh?"

                                            >Red pops open the fudge jar and tosses a piece at Orange

                                            >Orange catches it in her mouth, and doesn't answer you til she's swallowed it

                                            ^"Green, are you always thinking of gay buttsex?"

                                            "Only with your mom lel."

                                            >Red pops a lollipop out of her mouth

                                            <"You guys aren't making any sense. We don't even have dicks anymore."

                                            ^"Yeah, but if Green still had hers she'd be a big faggot."

                                            >you reach for some chocolate bark

                                            "You're one to talk, you big… fag…got. Yeah, uh, what now."

                                            >a single nibble of Bon Bon's chocolate bark sends you sprawling on the floor

                                            "Fucking hell that's good shit."

                                            >a pair of full mouths mutter their agreement

                                            <"It's good shit."

                                            ^"Good shit."

                                            >more candy disappears in contented silence

                                            >but out of the silence…

                                            >someone knocks on the door

                                            ^"What the fuck I thought noone knew about this place!"

                                            >knocking becomes pounding

                                            <"Oh man oh shit it's the Guard we're fucked!"

                                            "We are not fucked! Just… hide the shit!"

                                            >one mad scramble later, and you open the door

                                            /"Hi Nons."


                                            >never one to need an invitation, Tripfag trots into the KKKlubhouse

                                            >picks out a corner

                                            >and falls asleep on the spot

                                            "Huh. I wonder if I should be concerned."

                                            <"Uh, yeah. How the fuck did Tripfag get here on her own?"

                                            "That's a good question. If I had to guess, I'd say it all started this morning, when Twilight told me to take Tripfag out."

                                            <"And, what, you agreed to this?!"

                                            "There were a thousand Good Filly Points on the line; don't act like you wouldn't have!"

                                            ^"Okay, calm down. Obviously you didn't actually end up bringing Tripfag here, so what happened?"

                                            "Well, I dropped her off at the daycare. I had some bits set aside and I figured-"

                                            <"And she let you do this?!"

                                            "Well, she said she wanted a nap."

                                            >Red eyes the peacefully sleeping tard with trepidation

                                            <"I don't like this, Green. There's a scheme here."

                                            >then

                                            >it happens

                                            >knock

                                            >knock

                                            >knock

                                            >now, in all of Equestria, there are only three Kool Kids

                                            >and one tard who's tangentially connected to them

                                            >all four of these are present in the KKKlubhouse already

                                            >which means that whoever is outside must be…

                                            >a lamer

                                            >Red's wide eyes tell you that she understands this as well as you do

                                            <"It's happening."

                                            >Orange nudges you

                                            ^"Answer it."

                                            "Why do I have to answer it? I got it the last time."

                                            ^"Because I'm the guest, and Red's about to piss herself."

                                            <"A-am not!"

                                            "So answer it."

                                            <"All right I might have let out a tiny dribble already. Like really tiny though I don't think it even dripped to the floor."

                                            "Fucking damnit."

                                            >you push the door open

                                            >"Why, little Anon! All three of you!"

                                            "H-hey, uh, I mean, er, hi Miss Sleepytime. What brings you here?"

                                            >"Oh me, oh my. Your sister got out of the yard somehow. I followed her here. You girls haven't seen the silly dear, have you? I'd hate for her to have run off into the forest."

                                            "Well, what do you know, she's right over there, safe and sound."

                                            >"Bless my soul! There she is, sleeping like a little angel! How ever did she get it into her head to run off like that?"

                                            "She's special."

                                            >something beneath Sleepytime Tea's "friendly old lady mask" twitches

                                            >"She certainly is. Would you girls like me to take her off your hooves so you can keep playing?"

                                            "Yes, please."

                                            >"Well, I'll just pick her up then…"

                                            >the old unicorn's horn envelops the sleeping tard in a gentle glow and carries her out of the KKKlubhouse

                                            >"Now you three be careful, playing so close to the Everfree Forest."

                                            "We will, we pr-"

                                            >Tripfag's eye cracks open with an evil gleam

                                            "WATCH OUT IT'S A TRICK!"

                                            >too late

                                            >Tripfag unleashes her Raptard Roar and thrashes wildly

                                            /"REEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUWWWRRRGGGHHHHHH"

                                            >Sleepytime Tea's gentle aura breaks almost immediately under the pressure of Tripfag's tard strength

                                            >Tripfag hits the ground running

                                            >bashes Sleepytime with her helmet

                                            >and gallops into the forest


                                            >Sleepytime Tea is insensate on the ground

                                            ^"Uh, is she gonna be okay?"

                                            "Who gives a fuck? If Tripfag gets eaten by timberwolves or whatever Twilight's gonna hang my fucking ass over her fireplace!"

                                            ^"Yeah, but this bitch might be in need of immediate medical attention."

                                            <"Eh, she'll probably be okay."

                                            >Orange pokes at the unconscious old lady

                                            >who proceeds to cough up a small amount of blood

                                            <"I mean, she might be okay. Maybe."

                                            >you sigh

                                            "Look, you two keep hanging out. I'll go after Tripfag."

                                            ^"Whoah, what the fuck?!"

                                            "Shit, this might be the last time you're in town. You two, at least, shouldn't have to spend it tard-wrangling. Tripfag is my problem, so I'll take care of her."

                                            >Red and Orange exchange a sideways glance

                                            <"Look, Green. That's not exactly what's going on here. The truth is-"

                                            ^"-That the KKK always rides together!"

                                            >and now your friends are glaring at each other

                                            "What the fuck was that?"

                                            ^"What the fuck was what?"

                                            "The way you just interrupted Red."

                                            ^"She was probably just about to say something gay. Right, you big fag?"

                                            >Red's scowl cracks as she eyeballs the ground

                                            <"Sure."

                                            >you shake your head

                                            "Look, I don't have time for you guys' homoerotic tension. I've got a tard to rescue."

                                            >you run into the forest right about where you saw Tripfag disappear

                                            ^"Well, we're coming too, faget!"

                                            >Red and Orange break through the underbrush behind you

                                            >you're so fucking glad they can't see you smiling right now

                                            ^"Also, we totally just left Sleepytime Tea back there."

                                            "We sure did."

                                            <"Does that make us bad people?"

                                            "Probably."

                                            >about 32 minutes later, the enthusiasm has somewhat died down

                                            <"Well this was a fucking terrible idea."

                                            "Oh, you're just Mister Fucking Positivity, huh?"

                                            ^"You ever get the feeling that we say 'fucking' too much?"

                                            "Fuck off."

                                            >by this point, you're pretty much lost in the woods

                                            >no, not pretty much lost in the woods

                                            >definitely lost in the woods

                                            "All right, sure, maybe it would have been wiser to take an actual trail."

                                            <"Yeah. Maybe."

                                            "But think about it like this. Tripfag didn't take a trail, so we went in following her tracks."

                                            <"And now we haven't seen a hoofprint in like a half an hour."

                                            "Damn, has it been that long?"

                                            >you find yourself looking at the ground and sighing

                                            >and then you see it

                                            "Oh, but what's this?"

                                            >you're pointing at a small hoofprint within a patch of soft peat

                                            >the others come to investigate

                                            ^"That's… that's three sets of hoofprints. That's us."

                                            "What?! That can't be… well… shit."

                                            <"We're going in circles, you absolute dipshit!"

                                            "Bitch, please. I'm the green one for a reason. I can at least get us out of the woods."

                                            >you take your hoof to your mouth and paint a wide trail of saliva over it with your tongue

                                            ^"Ew, don't lick that."

                                            >admittedly, you do feel some dirt in your mouth now

                                            >but you hold your wet hoof in the air

                                            >and the wind is coming from…

                                            "That way."

                                            "And what the fuck is that based on?"

                                            "Well the wind's coming from there. You think we're more likely to feel a breeze coming through a less trees, or more trees?"

                                            ^"I don't think there's any guarantee it actually works that way."

                                            "Fuck me, when did you get so damn reasonable? Let's just go this way til someone has a better idea."

                                            >after a while of going that way, you become aware that you're finally breaking through the underbrush into open space

                                            "A-ha! We're…"

                                            >the open space is surrounded on all sides by more woods

                                            "… in a clearing."

                                            >you try to walk on

                                            >you really do

                                            >but after about ten steps into the clearing, you just run out of fucks to give

                                            >and you flop down on your side

                                            >Red flops down next to you

                                            <"Giving up?"

                                            "Yup."

                                            ^"Well, this seems like a good spot to wait for help anyway. If we stay put, someone will come looking for us."

                                            "You think so?"

                                            ^"Oh yeah. Two wards of a princess, two wards of a foreign diplomat; someone's bound to give a shit eventually."

                                            >two wards of a princess?

                                            >oh, yeah, Tripfag is out here somewhere

                                            >you and her make two

                                            >hey now…

                                            >wait a second…

                                            "What do you mean, two wards of a foreign diplomat?"

                                            >Red bolts upright

                                            <"Oh, sweet mother of fuck…"

                                            >Orange has all but stuffed her hoof into her mouth

                                            >you roll over and sit up

                                            "Guys, what the fuck is going on?"

                                            >Red keeps glancing between you, the sky, and the ground

                                            <"All right. First of all, I'm really sorry about getting all pissy with you back there in the trees."

                                            "Wh… what are you saying? We get pissed off at each other on, like, an hourly basis. Why are you apologizing for that?"

                                            <"L-look… um… the truth is that, ah, after I got kicked out of Jim's house, I kind of… uh…"

                                            ^"She got a hold of me."

                                            >you scratch your head

                                            "Is that all? Like, yeah, Red, I wish you'd said something to me before today, but… it's not worth getting all gay about."

                                            ^"G-Green, the reason why Aryanne and I came down to Ponyville today…"

                                            >man, your throat really hurts for some reason

                                            >and your vision is all blurry too

                                            ^"Oh, fuck, I can't do this."

                                            "C-c-come on guys, just… spit it out. This is… really awkward."

                                            >Red almost looks you in the eye

                                            >but ultimately can't do it

                                            <"Aryanne's been in town hall doing paperwork all day. To adopt me. I was gonna move to the Black Forest today."


                                            >somewhere in the Everfree Forest

                                            >there is a clearing

                                            >a traveller, passing by this part of the woods, in this moment of time, would hear something like this:

                                            "YOU COCK-LICKING FUCK-SHITTING CUNT-NIGGING ASSFUCKS!"

                                            ^"Look, we knew we'd have to say something eventually, but it's… well, it can be hard to tell you things you don't want to hear."

                                            "So, what, were you just gonna send me a fucking letter about it next week, because, because you didn't fucking trust me to take it like someone who used to be a grown-ass fucking adult?!"

                                            ^"It was gonna be today… probably."

                                            "Oh, sure, so it'd be, 'By the way, we're leaving your ass all alone in Ponyville right the fuck now. Have a nice life, faggot!'"

                                            ^"Well shit! You think I don't know that it's not easy to be alone?! It sucks! But, you know, fuck me, right?!"

                                            "No, that's not… you know what, yeah! Fuck you!"

                                            <"G-guys…"

                                            "And you! You all literally all damn fucking week to say something! What the fuck am I to you? Just the dumb fuck you copy your homework from?!"

                                            <"Green, c-calm down now."

                                            "Would you fucking look at me while I bitch at you, you big fucking pussy?! What the fuck are you staring at?"

                                            ^"Oh…"

                                            "What, bitch?! You getting lonely back there?"

                                            >Orange points in the direction that Red is staring in

                                            ^"Shut… up…"

                                            >huh?

                                            >you twist your head to look at the treeline

                                            >a strange shadow looms in the woods

                                            >something has heard you

                                            "Oh."

                                            >the creature isn't large in and of itself

                                            >but its eerie, cone-shaped head reaches far above the rest of its body

                                            >slowly

                                            >steadily

                                            >inevitably

                                            >the creature makes its way forward

                                            >in another moment, the monster is fully visible in the lighted forest clearing

                                            >and with a shock, you realize that it's-

                                            /"Hi Nons."


                                            >Tripfag saunters into the clearing with the silliest damn hat glued to her helmet with mud

                                            >it's a big cone made of sticks and mud and leaves

                                            >she sits down and pulls the thing off

                                            >when she sets it down and starts pulling it apart, you realize

                                            >it's not just one silly damn hat

                                            >it's a stack of silly damn hats

                                            >when four of the mud-cones are standing on the ground, Tripfag sticks one of them back on her helmet and stands up

                                            /"Racis hats."

                                            "What, like Klan hoods?"

                                            >Tripfag nods

                                            <"Is that because we call ourselves the KKK?"

                                            >Tripfag nods again

                                            ^"That's so fucked up. Thanks, Tripfag."

                                            >Orange takes a hat and sticks it on her scalp

                                            >a glob of mud drips onto her brow, but she hardly seems to notice

                                            >Red approaches the hats next

                                            >she pokes at one with her hoof

                                            >and then cautiously sets one on her head too

                                            >the two of them look at each other

                                            >and break out into a soft chuckle

                                            >Orange gestures at you with her head

                                            "H-huh?"

                                            >Red grins

                                            >together, they pick up the last remaining Klan hood

                                            >walk over to you

                                            >and set it down on your head

                                            >the mud is cool and squishy as they tap it around your forehead to secure the hat

                                            "U-um… uh…"

                                            >why is your face so hot?

                                            <"Geez, I thought I was the red one."

                                            ^"Heh!

                                            >Tripfag nods with her usual vacant smile

                                            >then bends down and sniffs the ground

                                            /"Less go."

                                            >following her nose, the enigmatic tard dashes out of the clearing

                                            >the Sun shines down from straight overhead

                                            >the grass is soft under your hooves

                                            >you try to recall your anger

                                            >but something else comes out instead

                                            "G-guys, I'm, uh, sorry for unironically blowing up on you like that. It's just… uh…"

                                            ^"Hey, sorry's enough. For the record, I'm sorry too. Let's not start crying or anything now."

                                            <"C-crying? Who the fuck said I was crying?!"

                                            ^"Heh."

                                            "Heh."

                                            <"I-it's just sweat! I mean, uh, I'm… sorry too."

                                            >a soft breeze tickles your nose

                                            "We should probably follow Tripfag. I think she's trying to smell her way home."

                                            <"Can tards do that? Navigate by scent?"

                                            "I dunno. Probably."


                                            >Tripfag's tard-sense does indeed lead the four of you out of the Everfree Forest

                                            >by the time you get there, the mud-hats she made have all fallen apart

                                            >but frankly, the mud and leaves you're now covered in make for a good "poor lost filly" look

                                            >you see the ponies gathered at the edge of the woods before they see you

                                            >"I saw her go in there!"

                                            >Sleepytime Tea, with a bandage around her head, is pointing into the woods

                                            >Twilight is peering anxiously into the trees and trotting in place

                                            >a white earth pony you recognize as Aryanne stands by grimly

                                            >but no sooner does Twilight spot you than you and Tripfag are wrapped up in a purple aura

                                            >and pulled in for a big, cringeworthy hug

                                            ~"I'm so glad you two are all right!"

                                            >you're already struggling to escape

                                            "All right, that's enough intimacy for today. You can let me go now."

                                            >you're pulled in even tighter

                                            "I fucking hate my life."

                                            >never in a thousand million years would you ever admit that snuggling into Twilight's warm, soft coat is actually kind of relaxing

                                            >Aryanne seems to have the courtesy to be a bit less affectionate with her ward

                                            >or maybe that's just how she is

                                            _"Anonymous."

                                            >three pairs of eyes lock onto her

                                            _"Nein, not you. Ze orange one."

                                            ^"Uh, hey, 'Anne. How's your day been?"

                                            _"Did you stand by your kameraden?"

                                            >Orange blinks

                                            ^"Uh, yeah."

                                            _"Good."

                                            >Red shuffles a bit awkwardly in place

                                            >Aryanne notices

                                            _"Ah, you must be ze red Anonymous. I am afraid I have been through a bit of needless trouble on your behalf today."

                                            >Red stares at the Black Forester with wide eyes

                                            <"What do you mean by this?"

                                            >Twilight loosens her grip to look around

                                            ~"That's weird. He was right behind us when we left."

                                            _"Ah, mein princess, you cannot expect a sub-equine to keep pace vith the gallop of pure Equaryans like us."

                                            >Twilight grits her teeth

                                            ^"Black Forest culture is very fascinating."

                                            >that's when you hear it

                                            >a squeal in the distance

                                            >a pig in a Hawaiian shirt is stumbling toward the reunion as fast as he can

                                            <"Jim!"

                                            >Red gallops off to meet her irresponsible guardian halfway

                                            <"Holy shit dude, where the fuck were you?!"

                                            >Jim snorts and grunts in response

                                            >Red squeals

                                            <"That's fucking wild, man!"

                                            >for some reason, Orange has become very interested in the ground

                                            ^"Oh. So I am the one who ends up alone after all."

                                            _"Hm? Vhat did you say?"

                                            ^"Uh, nothing, it's just…"

                                            _"Do you know, I recieved a telegram from ze Fuhrer you may be interested in."

                                            ^"Oh?"

                                            _"Ja. I am to be ze Black Forest's ambassador to Equestria, effective immediately."

                                            ^"Oh, that's neat. So we'll be moving to Canterlot?"

                                            _"Nein. Ze city is too degenerate for me."

                                            >Aryanne cracks her first smile of the day

                                            _"And zere is a princess right here in Ponyville…"

                                            "Holy fuckmuffins!"

                                            >you finally break free of Twilight's grasp, then twist around to look at her

                                            >she shrugs

                                            ~"I might have pulled a few strings."

                                            >Red seemingly teleports behind Orange

                                            <"Is she back?"

                                            "Yeah, I'm thinking she's back."

                                            >in no time at all, you've begun chanting KKK and dogpiled the fuck out of Orange

                                            >Tripfag is apparently happy too

                                            /"All fucking ziggers must fucking hang!"

                                            >the Sun shines brightly over one smiling tard

                                            >one mortified princess

                                            >one grinning ambassador

                                            >one grunting pig

                                            >and three laughing fillies


                                            Epilogue: Operation Z-Word


                                            >Twilight has agreed to mediate a dispute between the Black Forest and Zebrica

                                            >Aryanne, who's been in town about a month, is displeased at having to sit at the same table as a zebra ambassador

                                            >but the stern Black Forester won't argue with orders from her homeland

                                            >for some reason, Twilight decided to incorporate you and your friends into ceremonial roles during the proceedings

                                            >why the fuck she thought that would be a good idea, you have no idea

                                            >Operation Z-Word is go

                                            >it's a bit of a long-shot, to be sure

                                            >but Lady Luck smiles on those who take chances

                                            >neither of the ambasaadors have arrived at the castle yet

                                            >Orange went off to retrieve them a while ago

                                            >Red is standing at the door

                                            >unbeknownst to Twilight, Red is also listening in via some little magic thingy you stole from Twilight's basement last night

                                            >hopefully that doesn't backfire horrifically

                                            >currently, you and Twilight are making some last minute preparations to the conference room

                                            >okay, based on the timing you discussed with Orange…

                                            >phase: Green Hornet should start…

                                            >now

                                            "You know, I'm gonna say the Z-word."

                                            >Twilight frowns

                                            ~"No. You can't say the Z-word."

                                            >you put on your biggest, sweetest smile

                                            "I'm gonna say it."

                                            >Twilight's sharp glare would daunt a fainter heart than yours

                                            "Z-!"

                                            ~"Anon, I swear-"

                                            "Zig-!"

                                            >and when you feel Twilight's magic hoist you up by your throat

                                            >that's when you know you've won

                                            >Twilight's voice lowers to a dangerous hiss

                                            ~"Anon, let me make this perfectly clear to you: this is the first major diplomatic event that has ever been entrusted to me, and to me alone. This is a major milestone in my transition to the role of Equestria's sole ruler."

                                            >and then

                                            >in a foam-flecking roar:

                                            ~"AND I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU CALL THE ZEBRICAN AMBASSADOR A-"

                                            >in that instant, Red and Orange fling the double doors to the conference room wide-open, revealing Aryanne and the Zebrican

                                            ~"-ZIGGER!"