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Anon Tried to Kill Himself

By Writefag_Roulette
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2023-10-02 04:05:23
Expiry: Never
twilight sparklesafeanonymous/pone/8chan/gtpone/

  1. https://web.archive.org/web/20190103172825/https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2050.html
  2.  
  3. ACT I: How Anon Learned to Stop Being an Autist and Love the Horses
  4. Part 1: Anon is Cast Into Slavery
  5.  
  6. >wake up
  7. >the local noblehorse is standing over you, her mouth a smile but her eyes all a-panic
  8. >fucking hell
  9. >stupid fucking horses
  10. >you manage to live in your shitty yurt without any form of contact with any of these horses for nearly a year straight
  11. >and right when you desperately need to be left alone the new fucking wing unicorn in town decides to drop by
  12. >"Hi there, uh,…"
  13. >the purple one pauses
  14. >"ANON"
  15. >you look over to notice five other ponies, the one who spoke likely being the pink bouncing one
  16. >you stare at her, unsure of how exactly she knows your name
  17. >"I never forget a name! I learned yours about a year ago when I thew you that welcome-to-Ponyville-my-condolences-for-losing-everything-you've-ever-known-or-loved party when you first got to Equestria!"
  18. >goodness fucking gracious
  19. >you remember the party vaguely
  20. >you got your yurt there as a present
  21. >but you had to step out pretty early in; big crowds and parties always made your chest feel all tight
  22. >after about a week or two of limited interactions with the horses you simply set up your yurt near the forest and shut yourself away in it
  23. >and nobody came to visit you ever again
  24. >until yesterday anyways
  25. >the purple horse looks at her companions
  26. >"Thank you, Pinkie. Why don't you girls clear out? Anon probably needs some space."
  27. >they do so, an orange hoof dragging Pinkie out with the others
  28. >"Now Anon…"
  29. >uh oh
  30. >you know what this phrase means
  31. >some self-righteous normie is going to lecture you about how you need a social life and you need to go out more and it's just not healthy to blah fucking blah blah blah
  32. >"I happen to be very well-read on the topic of psychology."
  33. >"And I happen to know that, well…"
  34. >she pauses, clearly uncomfortable
  35. >"…attempts at what you attempted"
  36. >fucking pansy
  37. >"are a symptom of very severe depression."
  38. >not this shit again
  39. >"Now I know how rough it must have been to lose your home, your family, friends… significant other…"
  40. >she'd be right if you'd ever had any of that
  41. >"and I imagine that your way of coping with this, locking yourself away in that giant tent, didn't exactly help things."
  42. >as if it was all that different from what you'd be doing on Earth right now
  43. >"And I think we can both agree that your way wasn't the best way to healing now."
  44. >"Equestrian psychology proposes that talking about traumatic incidents can help speed up the healing process. Would you like to talk about it?"
  45. >you lie there silently
  46. >"Ah, I figured as much."
  47. >"So I've got another way to set you straight."
  48. >"I've been zipping around all Equestria solving friendship problems as of late, but I've been ignoring this very serious - life threatening, even - friendship problem right here under my own nose, and for that I am truly sorry and I hope that some day you'll be able to forgive me for not reaching out before all this unpleasantness."
  49. >"But I'll start now, Anon. My friends and I are going to work to make you feel valued and wanted around Ponyville."
  50. >this can't be good
  51. >"Now I can't leave you alone, it's very basic suicide prevention to never allow a suicidal pon- er, uh, person to be alone."
  52. >why.jpg
  53. >"So…"
  54. >she lays her horn on your shoulder
  55. >"I do hereby appoint you my vassal. You shall accompany and assist me in my daily princess tasks until such time as I release you from servitude."
  56. >>servitude
  57. >fucking what nigger
  58. >now you're pissed
  59. >and you finally get up
  60. >with mock courtesy and an exaggerated bow, you ask
  61. "And may I have the pleasure of knowing my mistress's name?"
  62. >she's apparently too surprised to be pissed
  63. >"You don't know who I am?"
  64. >your glare answers her question
  65. >"I am Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship."
  66. >goodness fucking gracious that's way too cheesey to be an actual title
  67. >whatever
  68. "And what if I don't want to be your servant, princess?"
  69. >she smirks
  70. >"Too bad, we already moved all your stuff into Spike's room; you'll be bunking with him."
  71. >JUST
  72. >her smirk turns devilish
  73. >"And if you try to run away then I've got a lovely dungeon downstairs where you can spend a week with a lovely zebra named Rapestripe."
  74. >FUCK MY SHIT UP
  75. >surely she's not serious about that, but you can't tell by looking at her snarky countenance
  76. >"So again, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm going to teach you about friendship for however long it takes."
  77. >she extends a hoof
  78. "And how long is that?"
  79. >now her eyes are throwing daggers
  80. >"Until you don't wanna kill yourself anymore!"
  81. >scowling, you take the squishy pony hoof in your hand
  82. >"Very good. Now let's show you around your home."
  83.  
  84. Part 2: A Shitty Fucking Morning
  85.  
  86. >you got approximately no sleep last night
  87. >apparently, this Spike that you're bunking with is a little dragon
  88. >that's not a fucking figure of speech
  89. >he spent four hours ranting and raving about "number one assistant" and "being replaced" and oh fuck why please shut the fuck up kid
  90. >with no warning whatsoever, he passed out and spent the next four hours snoring like a fucking rock grinder
  91. >you'd have made another attempt if the little reptile hadn't killed your ability to think
  92. >it was only just as, against all odds, you finally found yourself drifting toward sleep that your new fucking mistress burst through the door and pulled back the curtains on the windows
  93. >a horrible, blinding sensation emanates from the glass
  94. "AHH FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"
  95. >"It's… the Sun, Anon."
  96. >"And watch your language around Spike! He's just a baby you know."
  97. >upon a more careful inspection of the window, you can now see that the Sun does, in fact, still exist
  98. >you mumble something, roll over, and pull the blanket over your head
  99. >the blanket glows purple for an instant and is whisked off of you
  100. >"No more time for sleep, Anon! There's lots to do. Come on!"
  101. "Why doesn't Spike have to get up?"
  102. >"Well he is just a baby dragon, you know. He needs his rest."
  103. >you can't even argue at this point
  104. >so you get up for a fresh day of hell
  105. >"Excellent. Now if you'll put some clothes on you can follow me to the table for breakfast."
  106. >your ugly ass is in tighty-fucking-whiteys, because you just don't give a shit
  107. "You ponies go around naked all day. What makes you so sure that humans wear clothes on a regular basis?"
  108. >she grins a grin that seems to know too much
  109. >"Oh, you'll see how I know soon enough."
  110. >FUCK
  111. >you reckon she must have recorded you fapping all day in that yurt somehow
  112. >without a word, you head over to your trunk to grab some pants
  113. "What the fuck is this?"
  114. >you hold up a shirt that seems to belong more at a renaissance fair than in daily wear
  115. "Where are my clothes?"
  116. >"Oh, those were all ragged and ruined. Don't worry, I had a good friend make you some new ones yesterday while you were, uh"
  117. >"unconscious."
  118. >whatever
  119. >so you head down to breakfast dressed up like a fucking merry man of King Fagsalot's court
  120. >upon entering the dining room, you see a round, glass table surrounded by seven chairs, six with pastel symbols on them
  121. >five of these are already filled
  122. >Twilight greets her guests and sits down in the chair with the purple star on it
  123. >and all the ponies stare at you
  124. >oh fuck
  125. >you have to sit down to eat
  126. >but the only seat left is a little chair right next to Twilight
  127. >autism locks you in place and keeps you from moving
  128. >Twilight coughs
  129. >"Uhh, are you going to sit down, Anon?"
  130. "Y-y-yeah"
  131. >you shuffle awkwardly to the open chair
  132. >but things only get more awkward as the chair seems to push you out of it and you end up face down on the floor
  133. >Twilight giggles nervously
  134. >"Well, uh, that's never happened before. I guess that throne is for Spike only."
  135. >fucking Spike
  136. >a moment of silence passes
  137. >"Uh that should be all right. Just let me get you your own chair here."
  138. >her horn glows purple and a rickety, wooden chair also glowing purple floats into the room and lands right next to Twilight's chair
  139. >"There we go. That should do it."
  140. >you plop down unceremoniously into your chair, too far gone to feel shame
  141. >purple glowing plates of pancakes come streaming into the room
  142. >nobody says a word as the meal commences
  143. >but eventually the white pony speaks up
  144. >"So, Anon, darling"
  145. >she pauses when your dull gaze meets her glassy stare
  146. >"How do you like the clothes I made you?"
  147. >your dull gaze becomes an apparently annoyed one
  148. >"Uuh, I mean, how do they fit, and, stuff…?"
  149. >you pull your arms across your chest and the white unicorn cringes violently as the sound of stretching and slight tearing fills the air
  150. >"Uh right. Too tight then. Be sure to stop by my boutique later for a refitting."
  151. >she breaks eye contact and becomes very interested in the arrangement of fruit on top of her pancakes
  152. >the meal ends without another word
  153. >Pinkie the pink pony grinned a shiteating grin and inhaled loudly as if to say something stupid at one point, but the orange pony put a stop to that by shoving her hoof into Pinkie's mouth
  154. >when the pancakes are no longer being eaten, the five ponies get up and leave without a word
  155. >are the symbols on those chairs duller than they were before?
  156. >Twilight purples your shirt and drags you away
  157. >"Come on, Anon. Why can't you have been a little more outgoing? Those are my closest friends, and they want to be your friend too!"
  158. >>they want to be your friend too
  159. >>implying
  160. >she groans
  161. >"All right, that's fine. This next exercise is sure to do you some good."
  162. >she takes you into an empty room, save for a mirror and a fuck-ugly contraption attached to it
  163.  
  164. Part 3: Anon Fucking Hates EqG
  165.  
  166. >fuckcuntering shitdicking jewniggers on a lavacock
  167. >you have never felt so much physical agony in all your life
  168. >you find yourself lying on a surprisingly familiar surface
  169. >a cement sidewalk
  170. >a dull thud to your right informs you that your damned slavedriver has a arrived
  171. >"Oh dear…"
  172. >you snap your head around to see a purple girl with massive eyes and a tacky skirt towering over you
  173. >is that Twilight?
  174. >HOW THE FUCK IS SHE TOWERING OVER YOU?
  175. >you scramble to your feet to find that your hands are still touching the ground
  176. >you're afraid to look down but you have to, damnit
  177. >your arms are covered in shaggy, red fur
  178. >your jaw is so long that you can see your lips
  179. >your feet have thumbs
  180. >you let loose with a string of curse words that would make even the most hardcore shitposter cringe, attracting the attention of other colorful, bug-eyed people
  181. >Twilight just looks disappointed
  182. >"Well, come on Anon. We've still got business here."
  183. >she gives you the cuntiest grin she can muster
  184. >"And no monkey business."
  185. >wishing unmentionable things on Twilight Sparkle, you follow her into a venerable brick building
  186. >to be greeted by another Twilight Sparkle
  187. >oh fucking balls the world does not need two
  188. >"Twilight, I'm glad you made it. And I see you brought a friend?"
  189. >"I'm always glad to meet a good friend, Twilight. And this is Anon."
  190. >"Fascinating. What was he in Equestria?"
  191. >"Well, that's just the thing. He looked almost exactly like the people here."
  192. >"A human?"
  193. >"Exactly!"
  194. >"Incredible. I see no reason for why he should be an ape in this universe."
  195. >fortunately these two fucking nerds are too deeply engrossed in their conversation to address you
  196. >"So, Anon"
  197. >shit fucking fucksticks
  198. >"Do you have any idea why this may have happened to you?"
  199. >fucking dumb cunt asking obvious questions
  200. "Probably because humans are closely related to chimps, dumbass."
  201. >otherTwilight is either too autistic or too shocked to take offense
  202. >"What? No, humans have no particularly close relatives, but we are descended from Eohippus, an ancient ancestor of horses."
  203. >before you can angrily tell her that that's fucking wrong, your Twilight buts in
  204. >"Really? That's fascinating! Ponies are also descended from a creature called Eohippus!"
  205. >you're given the privilege of listening to a discussion about magic horse evolution for the next eight hours
  206. >noticing that Twilight doesn't have a horn here, you wonder if she can still purple you, and this thought leads you to entertain yourself with elaborate mental experiments of suicide
  207. >you think you're about dead set on sticking your chimpdick in Twilight's mouth, ripping off her head with ape strength, allowing the biting down reflex to rip off your penis, and bleeding to death
  208. >but before you can come up with another plan, Twilight grabs your hand and leads you out of the building
  209. >"Well, I'm sorry, Anon. I'm sure you're very disappointed about not being able to live here as a human."
  210. >yeah, right
  211. >"Are you sure you don't want to stay anyway?"
  212. >she seems way too hopeful
  213. >so all you do is glare
  214. >Twilight sighs and leads you through the mirror
  215. >you're fucking stuck with me now, bitch
  216.  
  217. Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Fun
  218.  
  219. "Wait, you're telling me that that mirror was magic?"
  220. >"Of course. How else do you explain the universe-jumping and the transformations?"
  221. >you make your face as near a perfect costanza.jpg as you can get
  222. "You're telling me… magic?"
  223. >Twilight purples her horn and you feel a slap across your face
  224. >"Magic."
  225. >oh
  226. >so that's what that purple shit is
  227. >reflecting on the conversation you've just had, you marvel at the fact that you just had a conversation
  228. >was that even a good thing?
  229. >you eat the rest of your breakfast in silence
  230. >you rapidly lose sight of the outside world, retreating into your thoughts
  231. >"Anon"
  232. >"Anon"
  233. >"Anon"
  234. >shaking your head, you look over to your host
  235. >"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
  236. >her smile gives it away
  237. >fucking sneaky cunt was trying to therapy you the whole time
  238. >you mutter something, even you don't know what you meant to say
  239. >"Well all right then. Say, I'm visiting a good friend after breakfast. Care to join me?"
  240. >you really don't care to join her
  241. "S-s-s-sure…"
  242. >fucking shitfucks on a niggerdick why did you say that?
  243. >you've gotta be an alpha and stand up for yourself for once in your life, you fucking Nice Guyold
  244. >"Great! Why don't we head out right now?"
  245. "O-okay…"
  246. >y-you'll stand up for yourself later probably
  247. >you meekly go out after your ruler
  248. >the sun is too bright
  249. >this walking makes your feet hurt
  250. >you wish you were at home doing nothing of value
  251. >this building you're coming up to looks like an ugly cupcake or something
  252. >Pinkie the pink horse is waiting outside for you
  253. >"HI TWILIGHT! HI NONNY!"
  254. >you cringe a little bit
  255. >Twilight, in a flash, leans over to Pinkie's ear
  256. >"Pinkie, you're making him uncomfortable."
  257. >oh my fucking why
  258. >"Oh, I'm sorry Anonymous, I'm just so excited to be here with you and Twilight and Gummy and-"
  259. >a purple hoof plugs her mouth
  260. >it occurs to you that you've never told anyone in magic horse land that Anon is short for Anonymous
  261. >Twilight makes a suggestion
  262. >"Why don't we go inside?"
  263. >Pinkie leaps into the air
  264. >"OOH! THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! LET'S GO!"
  265. >she dashes inside so fast she leaves a pink contrail in her wake
  266. >Twilight smiles at you like a teacher encouraging her downy student
  267. >"Well, go on, Anon. Open the door."
  268. >you hesitantly obey
  269. >you're greeted with a solid wall of color and noise
  270. >"SURPRISE!"
  271. >JUST
  272.  
  273. >"WhenTwilightsaidshewasbringingyouovertovisitIgotsoexcitedbutalsoalittlebitnervousbecauseforasecondthereIcouldn'tthinkofwhattodoandthenIrealizedthatthebestthingtodowhenafriendtriestokillthemselfistothrowapleasedon'ttrytokillyourselfagainslashyouareanappreciatedandvaluedmemberofourcommunitypartyandIjustwannasaythat…"
  274. >your mind blanks out the torrential downpour of ADHD somewhere around this point
  275. >you stand there gripping your tie tightly, eyes darting in all directions
  276. >holy fuck why are there so many horses?
  277. >Twilight's hoof nudges your hand
  278. >"Anon, would you like me to introduce you to some of the ponies?"
  279. "S-sure."
  280. >keeping her torso against your leg, she takes you around the room to see a group of four ponies, all of them from the breakfast yesterday
  281. >"Hi everyone, this is Anon."
  282. >a chorus of cheery greetings emanates from the little clique
  283. >"Anon, these are my closest and dearest friends. With their help, I went from a standoffish shutin to the pony I am today."
  284. >it's obvious what she's trying to imply here
  285. >"This is Applejack,"
  286. >"How d'ye do, Mr. Anon?"
  287. >"and Rarity,"
  288. >"I'm truly glad to make your acquaintance, darling."
  289. >"and Rainbow Dash,"
  290. >"'Sup?"
  291. >"and Fluttershy."
  292. >"Hello."
  293. >like the scene from yesterday never even happened
  294. >except that it did happen
  295. "Uh…"
  296. >the girls turn away from you and resume their conversation without missing a beat
  297. >you're not sure if you should be offended or relieved
  298. >"Oh, well, that's all right, Anon. Why don't we go get some refreshments?"
  299. >now you know what this is like
  300. >this is like that time your mother tried to bring you to her friend's house for her friend's daughter's birthday party
  301. >you have to be more social, Anon
  302. >if this goes anything like that, all you have to do is silently follow Twilight around until the embarrassment of being associated with such a collassal failure at life drives her out of the party
  303. >Twilight doesn't realize that her training will fail because you are aspergers incarnate, and your will to be autistic is unconquerable
  304. >but as you reach the table, something unexpected happens
  305. >"HEY NONNY!"
  306. >the pink mass hits you before the floor does
  307. >unexpected_intimacy.jpg
  308. >you catch Twilight's face, somewher between concern and amusement
  309. >"Nonny, you look a little bit uncomfortable."
  310. "W-well you are pinning me down…"
  311. >"Not like that, silly! Like in general!"
  312. >you have no reply
  313. >"That's okay, Anon, sometimes I feel uncomfortable at parties too, and I really really really love parties! But do you know what always helps me get over it?"
  314. >a pink hoof produces a plastic cup full of amber nectar
  315. >Twilight's voice develops a slight trill
  316. >"Pinkie, are you sure this should be that kind of party?"
  317. >Pinkie ignores her princess, focusing intently on you
  318. "Wh-wh-what?"
  319. >"ALCOHOL!"
  320.  
  321. >Pinkie Pie gets off of you and offers you the cup
  322. >you've actually never drank before
  323. >you always heard that drinking alone results in mind-crushing alcoholism, and, well, you didn't have any social gatherings to go to
  324. >but now might be a good time to try it
  325. >you glance at Twilight
  326. >she seems to be pleading with you in her eyes not to do it
  327. >and that sinches it
  328. >you take the cup and chug it down in one gulp
  329. >OH MOTHER FUCK BALLS SHITDICKING NIGGERS IN HELL
  330. >you spend the next fifty years wheezing, tearing up, clutching at your throat, and stumbling around
  331. >after that's all said and done, Twilight and Pinkie are staring at you, seeming somewhat concerned
  332. >"ANON! Are you okay?!"
  333. "Y… y-y…. yeah, totally."
  334. >Pinkie starts giggling
  335. >"Oh, Nonny, you silly head. You're not supposed to chug it down like that? Haven't you ever had a drink before?"
  336. "O-of course I have!"
  337. >the blue one, Rainbow Dash, swoops down near you, holding a whole cupful of that horrible poison
  338. >"Then have another."
  339. >Twilight rushes to your side
  340. >"Anon, you don't have to if you don't want to!"
  341. >Pinkie Pie is less than helpful
  342. >"DO IT!"
  343. >naturally, you take the cup
  344. >knowing full well that no good will come of this, you drink it all up
  345. >at a more reasonable speed this time, of course
  346. >"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
  347. >"Hey Twilight, you want one?"
  348. >"Oh, I don't know, girls. Someone has to be in her right mind here."
  349. >"Oh, come on, egghead. Everybody's doing it. Have a little fun for once in your life."
  350. >"Oh dear."
  351. >Twilight, apparently, is just as susceptible to peer pressure as you are
  352. >now you know everything's going to go wrong
  353. >the rest of Twilight's friends come trotting over
  354. >the white one Rarity distributes drinks to all of you and speaks up
  355. >"I do hereby propose a toast. To Anon, our new friend, that he may find happiness and fulfillment in this new chapter of his life!"
  356. >disorderly "hear, hears" ring out, and all take another drink
  357. >now things start to blur a little bit
  358. >the next thing you remember is a red pony with berries on her butt
  359. >"Wow, Anon, you can drink so much! How do you do it?"
  360. >a blue pony with a black mane answers
  361. >"He's a big guy!"
  362. "FOR YOU"
  363. >blurs and blackness
  364. >you're in a basement with a green unicorn with a harp thingy on her butt, a pink unicorn with gems on her butt, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie
  365. >a banner that reads "Ponyville Extraequestrial Life Club"
  366. >the green one is all over you
  367. >she's explaining how, for the past year, she's been camping outside of your yurt doing nothing but watching you
  368. >"aw shit nigga," says the alcohol, "you've got a stalker! fuckin awesome, dude!"
  369. >aawwwww yeeeeeeh, you reply, gonna lose the v-card tonight brih
  370. >the other mares are just sitting there giggling, Twilight taking sloppy notes on a clipboard
  371. >the doors burst open and a morbidly obese teal unicorn bursts in, giving her best attempt at bedroom eyes
  372. >"HEY THERE, HOT STUFF"
  373. >the green pone leaps at her
  374. >"FUCK OFF, TUMBLE HOOVES, THIS XENO IS MINE!"
  375. >more blurry incoherence
  376. >you're in what seems like a darkened palace, following a pink unicorn with a giant mane
  377. >in your hands is a jar that holds what seems to be a floating picture of the Sun
  378. >she suddenly motions for you to be quiet
  379. >"Anon, give me the mark. Take out that guard!"
  380. >more blackness, but this time with some red and a little more pain
  381. >you're standing at the entrance of the forest
  382. >ponies in golden armor are launching a merciless campaign against you
  383. >but they are no match for you
  384. >you are trained in gorilla warfare and you're the top sniper in the entire US armed forces
  385. >but somehow you got surrounded, and it's all over now
  386. >a mighty battle cry sounds
  387. >it's Tumble Hooves
  388. >she proceeds to rip and tear some guts
  389. >sweet, merciful, blankness
  390. >morning
  391. >you're in your bed in Spike's room
  392. >and so is Tumble Hooves
  393. >you feel something around your dick, but nothing in your heart except shame
  394. >pulling out, you reach down and feel lint on your member
  395. >and there is no doubt in your mind that you fucked this horse in the bellybutton last night
  396.  
  397. Part 5: Anon Fucking Hates the Spa
  398.  
  399. >recoiling, you leap out of bed
  400. >this, you come to realize, was a horrible idea
  401. >your senses are overwhelmed with pain and sickness and bright light
  402. >time for some magic of your own
  403. >it comes rushing up and out of your esophagus and right onto your unfortunate partner
  404. >Tumble Hooves gets a full blast broadside
  405. >but she's as steady a ship as there ever were, and she takes it with nary pitch nor a roll
  406. >that horse is passed the fuck out
  407. "S-s-s-s-s-s..sorry…"
  408. >you limp weakly from your room toward the kitchen
  409. >you see that Twilight's night must have been comparable to yours
  410. >she's visibly frazzled, and she's rushing around the kitchen with quill pens and paperwork galore flying about
  411. >you stand there for a full five minutes or so before she notices you
  412. >"Oh, Anon, good morning"
  413. >there's a horsecock drawn on her eyelid
  414. "So… how was… your, uh, night?"
  415. >her hair is a clumpy apocalypse
  416. >"Oh, it was fine, fine, just great! I just need to fill out a few forms here, sign a few waivers, make a few court appearances, hunt down a communist terrorist, and there'll be no legal consequences for either of us!"
  417. >an overpowering scent of stale maple syrup floats off of her body and into your nostrils
  418. >a flash of green flame alerts you to Spike's presence
  419. >he lies on the ground in agony as his fire materializes into another legal document
  420. >holy shit, is that where all these papers came from?
  421. "I'm sorry, Twilight."
  422. >"Oh-no-no, don't worry about it, little buddy! It's fine, just fine, fine fine! So fine!"
  423. >a purple eyelid twitches
  424. >"It's really not your fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you. And also I probably shouldn't have chugged a whole keg of Grey Mare. Or given you the key to our nation's capitol palace. You probably weren't ready for a Pinkie party, and that one went way more out of control than ususal."
  425. >a whole keg of vodka?
  426. >geez-o-fucking-loo
  427. >Twilight clearly wasn't much better adapted for such things than you were
  428. >maybe it was true what she said about having been a "standoffish shutin" once
  429. "I guess a big crazy party like that really wasn't a cup of tea for either of us."
  430. >she looks you in the eye with a smile
  431. >"No, I guess it really wasn't."
  432. >a sensible chuckle is shared
  433. >but it's cut short by another blast of green flame
  434. >Twilight grabs the paper and her eyes pop out of her skull
  435. >"SWEET FANCY STARSWIRL! ONE HUNDRED?!"
  436. >Twilight purples her horn and a scalpel, a petri dish, a micropipette, a vial of liquid, and a list of adoption centers in the greater Ponyville area float into the room
  437. >"Anon, I need to get to Fluttershy's right away! Rarity's coming over to take you to the spa. I'm sure you'll like it a lot more than last night. Bye!"
  438. >a flash of light and she's gone
  439. >another and she's back
  440. >"Oh, and get Spike to his bed. Poor thing must have the most awful tummyache right now."
  441. >and she's gone again
  442. >you decide not to take Spike back to his own bed, as the room is somewhat less than decent right now
  443. >so you enter the royal bedchamber and set him down on a deep amethyst pillow
  444. >apart from a strong scent of maple syrup, it's surprisingly clean in here
  445. >you head down and wait outside the door
  446. >AGH, THE SUN, IT BURNS
  447. >you forgot you were still hungover like a motherfuck
  448. >fortunately you're not left waiting too long
  449. >"Ah, Anonymous, darling. I had such a wonderful time with you at the party last night. Ready to go?"
  450. >how is this horse in such good shape?
  451. >and how in hell did she have a "wonderful time" with you?
  452. >you grunt a wordless greeting, get up and walk over to her
  453. >"Wonderful! Twilight told me you'd be in terrible condition this morning, and I figured that a nice afternoon at the spa would work wonders for you!"
  454. >"Ah, it's right around this corner"
  455. >"Annnd, here we are!"
  456. >you follow the white pony into a garishly posh facility
  457. >and you're greeted by two ponies in headbands who remind you of Trix yogurt
  458. >"Aaaahhhhh, Miss Rarity! What can we do for you and your friend today?"
  459. >"Hm, I'm caught between the hot rocks, the mudbath, and the seaweed wrap…"
  460. >she turns to you
  461. >"Anonymous, darling, what do you think we should get here?"
  462.  
  463. >hot rocks?
  464. >that sounds fucking ebin my dude
  465. "What about the hot rocks?"
  466. >"Ooh, that does sound so excellent!"
  467. >"Lotus, Aloe, prepare some hot rocks for my friend and I."
  468. >they lead you to a room with two tables in it
  469. >"Lay down right there, and we'll be with you in a moment."
  470. >in the few minutes they're gone, there is absolute silence
  471. >are you supposed to say something?
  472. >you look over at Rarity for some cue
  473. >she's giving you a sincere smile
  474. >ohshitohfuckohwhatamisupposedtodo
  475. >you attempt to twitch your mouth into a smile back, but it just won't stay
  476. >you give up and look away
  477. >and check on her response with your peripheral vision
  478. >her smile is replaced with a look that seems to be somewhere between confusion and indigence
  479. >fuck
  480. >"And we are back with your hot rocks."
  481. >there's no reply, and the awkward tension doubles
  482. >"And we'll just put them here…"
  483. >Rarity sighs as heated stones are laid on her back, the autism of a moment previous forgotten
  484. >thank fuck
  485. >maybe this'll make things less-
  486. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''
  487. >IT BURNS
  488. >the blue pony jolts in shock
  489. >and drops the whole bucket onto your unprotected, hairless body
  490. >WAKE ME UP INSIDE
  491. >"A-a-a-ah, j-just let me put a towel there…"
  492. >she violently swipes the rocks off of your back with a hoof, making impacts and friction
  493. >CAN'T WAKE UP
  494. >she hastily puts a towel on your ruined skin and drops more rocks on it, creating and unbearable sense of irritation and ripping
  495. >SAVE MEE
  496. >you flop off of the table and onto the floor, still screaming like an angered tard
  497. >Rarity rushes over and throws some bits at the attendants
  498. >"Ah, let's just get you home now, darling."
  499. >she's met with more shrieking
  500. >"Or, uh, maybe to the emergency room?"
  501. >it's actually not agonizing anymore
  502. >you're just screeching now
  503.  
  504. Part 6: Anon Fucking Hates Tea Time
  505.  
  506. >"And… that… should… do it!"
  507. >the last of Twilight's magic ebbs out of your back
  508. >it still stings all over, but you should be able to walk now
  509. >"Now, you have to take it easy for the rest of the day, Anon. You're still sensitive and the skin on your back will tear easily."
  510. "So what do I do all day?"
  511. >"Well it was my intention to visit Fluttershy's place for tea. You're welcome to tag along."
  512. >she gives you the sweetest little smile
  513. >it's a smile that tells you that if you tell its owner "no" she'll force you to come anyway
  514. "Sure."
  515. >"Great. I'm ready to go now!"
  516. "I'm not wearing a shirt."
  517. >"Oh, it'll be fine, let's go! Nobody's gonna judge you or anything!"
  518. >you look down at your body
  519. >it's definitely in the "skinny" range from a year of hardly eating
  520. >on the upper half you can see your ribs
  521. >on the lower half it's wierdly lumpy and it reminds you of cottage cheese
  522. >you've somehow managed to retain your manboobs, which stick out a bit past the point where healthy pecs ought with your body composition
  523. >most of your torso's hair surrounds your belly button, but a few long hairs sparsely populate the area between your nipples
  524. >fuck it
  525. "All right, whatever you say, princess."
  526. >she doesn't smack you for the snarky remark
  527. >"Great. I think you'll really like Fluttershy, Anon. She's a lot like you."
  528. >doubt.jpg
  529. "One hundred?"
  530. >her smiling face goes blank
  531. >"It would be unethical of me to divulge the nature of what was corrected at her cottage yesterday."
  532. >a smirk finds its way onto the unicorn's lips
  533. >"Besides, it's not exactly as if you were acting like yourself the other day, either."
  534. >you lose your will to speak and silently head out the door
  535. >Twilight trots out after you with an awkward chuckle
  536. >"Uh, whoah there, wait for me."
  537. >it's a long ass walk with an awkward silence
  538. >but you get there
  539. >Twilight knocks on the door
  540. >and a yellow pony opens the door
  541. >"H-hi, Twilight. A-a-and, uhm…"
  542. >they both look at you, waiting for you to remind Fluttershy of your name
  543. >you don't
  544. >"Anon. This is Anon."
  545. >"H-hi Anon."
  546. >"May we come in?"
  547. >"Oh, of course."
  548. >Twilight walks right in, hops onto the couch, and looks at you
  549. >you take your seat
  550. >Fluttershy brings a tray with three teacups into the room and sits on the a chair across from Twilight's position on the couch
  551. >Twilight magically distributes cups to everyone, and Spaghetticon Eqeustria begins
  552. >"So, uh, Fluttershy, you're a little more quiet than normal. What's up?"
  553. >Fluttershy glances at you while muttering something incomprehensible
  554. >"Is it Anon? Is he making you feel uncomfortable?"
  555. >your eyes cross ever so slightly and you find your gaze fixed to the floor
  556. >"Okay, well, uh, I'm gonna go and do, something, for a little bit. Be right back. Okay?"
  557. >Twilight leaves the silent room and steps outside
  558. >time passes
  559. >about two minutes in you dream up a little thought experiment
  560. >take two people of the kind that won't initiate conversation
  561. >put them in a room together
  562. >and wait to see if discussion happens anyway
  563. >what an interesting thought
  564. >perhaps you should say something
  565.  
  566. "So"
  567. >fuck
  568. >Fluttershy bolts upright and stares wide-eyed at you
  569. >fuuuuck
  570. "S-so, uh, how's that life?"
  571. >a wordless noise of uncertainty escapes her lips and strikes you like a newspaper might strike a misbehaving puppy
  572. "Well, uh, that's good I guess."
  573. >she's still staring right at you, her eyes big as saucers
  574. >literally
  575. >these ponies can be freaky as shit
  576. >her massive pupils aren't quite meeting your eyes though
  577. >they're a little bit
  578. >lower
  579. >and suddenly you're overcome with the sensation of an autistic yellow horse staring at your nipples
  580. >fucking Twilight with her "nobody's gonna judge you" shit
  581. >you grab a pillow and hug it to your torso in an attempt to hide your shame
  582. >Fluttershy bites her lip and her eye twitches slightly
  583. >what the fuck
  584. >was she enjoying the view
  585. >is she attracted to you?
  586. >plsbeinlondon.jpg
  587. "I-I'm sorry, did you want to see?"
  588. >Fluttershy's eyes become as big as the fucking sun
  589. >"OH, NO! I'm just… not sure if that's…"
  590. >she cringes a little
  591. >"sanitary…"
  592. "O-o-o-oh…"
  593. >of fucking course she was grossed out by your misshapen body on her pillow, you autist
  594. >after a moment of staring at the wall to your left, her soft voice sounds in your ear
  595. >"Anon, your tea looks cold. Would you like me to get some more?"
  596. >you jump like a fucking skeleton just grabbed your shoulder
  597. "S-sure"
  598. >"I'll be right back."
  599. >a minute passes
  600. >she's probably sneaking out
  601. >hoofsteps
  602. >it's Fluttershy, she actually came right back with more tea
  603. >oh fuck why didn't she just sneak out?
  604. >she sets down the tea in front of you and returns to her seat
  605. >"So Anon."
  606. >…
  607. "Yes?"
  608. >"What are the animals like where you're from?"
  609. >you notice now that several dozen birds, bunnies, rodents, and even a massive bear are approaching Fluttershy's chair, staring at you
  610. >one white rabbit stands on top of the back rest, gazing angrily into your soul
  611. "Well, the rabbits are fatter."
  612. >Fluttershy's eyes take on both the size and the brilliance of the sun
  613. >"Oh, you have bunnies where you're from? I thought you came from another world?"
  614. "I don't really know where I came from, relative to here."
  615. >"But you have bunnies?"
  616. "Yes."
  617. >"What else do you have?"
  618. >you mentally prepare yourself
  619. >for the best explanation of Earth's wildlife you can possibly give
  620. >and for the longest conversation with a female you've ever had
  621.  
  622. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  623.  
  624. >"No!"
  625. "Yes, all of them."
  626. >Fluttershy's composure devolves into a fit of giggles
  627. >"Oh Anon, I can't possibly see why you were so sad. You're just so lovable."
  628. >she's sitting next to you now, and currently mockingly pinching your cheeck with an impossibly dextrous hoof
  629. >small talk is great
  630. >you can't say just what exactly you've been talking about for the past two hours
  631. >but you're having a nice time for once
  632. >Fluttershy's comment makes you feel a little more reserved
  633. >you grunt to express some emotion you don't know the word for, but the giggling mare doesn't notice
  634. >it is at this moment that your eyes are stabbed by the flash of a neon light
  635. >in between you and Fluttershy sits a monstrous creature
  636. >serpentine in shape, with a horse's head and a myriad of other parts that don't belong on the same body
  637. >"Fluttershy! You've missed our evening stroll entirely! I've been positively sick with anxiety!"
  638. >"Oh, I'm so sorry Discord. I've just been so caught up in talking with Anon here."
  639. >the snakelike neck whips around, bringing its head inches from your face
  640. >"Anon, eh?"
  641. >the words "good evening" form in your lungs, but never make it past your throat despite several tries
  642. >"How d'you do."
  643. >totally disinterested, he turns back to his horse to resume his discussion
  644. >y-you too
  645. >"Fluttershy! You know how busy I've become lately, this is the only time I'm able to spend with you anymore!"
  646. >"What exactly do you do all day?"
  647. >Discord ignores the question, continuing his rant
  648. >"And I'm nigh on five thousand years old! I need my excercise to stay healthy! I simply can't keep it off like the young, beautiful folks do anymore."
  649. >now might be the time for a smartass comment
  650. "R-really? Y-y-you don't look a day over fourteen hundred!"
  651. >Discord turns to look at you again, this time seeming a bit pissed off
  652. >he sizes you up, top to bottom
  653. >"You should really consider wearing a shirt."
  654. >Discord snaps his fingers and a hideous, yellow polka-dot sweatervest materializes over your bare chest
  655. >Fluttershy poorly conceals a giggle
  656. >you've always read that, in these sorts of situations, a man is supposed to feel a burning sensation in his face
  657. >yet you feel nothing but the return of an old, familiar pit in your stomach
  658. >something that had previously been there so long you'd simply stopped noticing it
  659. "I should probably get going now."
  660. >Fluttershy manages to look a little bit disappointed
  661. >"Please come back any time you-"
  662. >"Yes, yes, it is getting quite late, isn't it? You should really run along back to your princess now."
  663. >snap
  664. >and you're outside of Fluttershy's little cottage
  665. >all the blinds and curtains close, and the door clicks locked
  666. >oh, and just in time, too
  667. >Twilight is walking back to the cottage, carrying what seems to be a box of wafer cookies
  668. >she hasn't noticed you yet
  669. >so you dash off of the beaten path and make your escape behind a cover of trees, bushes, and darkness
  670. >once you're out of the cottage's general vicinity, you wonder where you can even go
  671. >your yurt has been taken down; you went past the spot where it once stood
  672. >nowhere to go but back to your shitty little bed in Princess Twilight's crystal castle
  673. >it's time for bed anyways
  674. >you're just so fucking tired right now
  675.  
  676. Part 7: Anon Fucking Hates /fit/
  677.  
  678. >"Anon, how was Fluttershy's last night? I came back with refreshments, but you'd already left."
  679. "I-it was"
  680. "fine."
  681. >"Are you sure, Anon? I know Discord showed up, and I know he can be a little bit…"
  682. >she bites her lip here
  683. >the look on your face probably tells her everything that happened
  684. >"… possessive."
  685. "A little bit."
  686. >a minute of silent breakfasting ensues
  687. >"Anon, I'm asking because I don't really know if you should be wandering off on your own like that yet. There's just no telling what you might, you know,"
  688. >you very intentionally give her the most morose, pissy face you can give
  689. >"do to yourself."
  690. "Thanks for the concern, princess, but as you can see, I haven't fucking killed myself yet."
  691. >more silent eating
  692. >it is at this, the least appropriate moment, that a bolt obnoxious blue lightning zips into the dining room
  693. >"TWILIGHT. You have got to see this!"
  694. >Rainbow Dash shoves a piece of paper into her princess's face
  695. >Twilight takes hold of the letter and reads aloud
  696. >"Dear Rainbow Dash, we are pleased to inform you that your service has been transferred from the Equestrian Wonderbolts Skyfleet Reserve to the Equestrian Wonderbolts Regular Reserve. Bi-monthly musters will be held…"
  697. >"Rainbow, this is great!"
  698. >the two hug
  699. >"But what exactly does it mean?"
  700. >"It means that I'm one step closer to being a real Wonderbolt!"
  701. >"Oh, Rainbow, I'm so happy for you!"
  702. >what the fuck is a wonderbolt
  703. >"But that's not the only reason why I came here!"
  704. >Rainbow turns her attention to you
  705. >fucking why
  706. >"You know half of Ponyville saw you walking around without a shirt on last night, right?"
  707. >your gaze drops and you groan a little bit
  708. >"Rainbow, what are you doing?!"
  709. >Rainbow Dash ignores the royal question
  710. >"That's right. You seriously need to get in better shape. Fortunately for you, I am Ponyville's leading expert in fitness!"
  711. "Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?"
  712. >she bumps your chest with her hoof
  713. >"I'm saying you should come work out with me today, Anon."
  714. >Twilight's visible concern evaporates
  715. >Rainbow smiles eggingly
  716. >you don't really want to be here with Twilight all day
  717. >but you only ever worked out alone back home
  718. >before you got here, you'd even built up a respectable home gym just to avoid interacting with gym-goers
  719. >a workout partner just sounds…
  720. "I'm down."
  721. >"YES!"
  722. >fuck
  723.  
  724. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  725.  
  726. >you're flopping on the ground
  727. >Dash looks over to you, still effortlessly pushing herself up and down with her wings
  728. >"Really, Anon? That was only forty pushups."
  729. >and you could barely squeeze out fifty situps
  730. >and you couldn't even make a mile run in under ten minutes
  731. >with this latest failure, you sink your face into the backs of your hands
  732. >you truly have lost all your gains
  733. >a year of not lifting and not eating will do that to you
  734. >she pushes herself up off the ground and into the air, from which she immediately takes to flying
  735. >"All right, come on then, Anon. Warm up's done. We'll get you in shape yet."
  736. >shame
  737. >absolute fucking shame
  738. >she leads you over to what feels like an old friend that you've been ignoring
  739. >free weights
  740. >"All right, Anon. Let's get your max weights for the five big lifts; then we can figure out a plan for you."
  741. >"First up, benches."
  742. >she sets up the bar over the bench with fifty pounds
  743. >fifty?
  744. >whatever
  745. >"Just lay down right here, grip here and here, and… go."
  746. >one
  747. >two
  748. >fuck
  749. >three
  750. >is this really just
  751. >four
  752. >just fifty pounds?
  753. >f-f-fi-
  754. >come on you nigger
  755. >Dash starts reaching over to help
  756. >fuckshitcuntniggeringdicklickers
  757. >f-f-five
  758. >"Not bad. Fifty pounds it is then."
  759. >fifty
  760. >that's just depressing
  761. >silently, you follow your trainer over to a bar already set up on the gym floor
  762. >"Let me see here… sixty pounds."
  763. >she looks you over
  764. >"That should be good for deadlifts. We might have to take a little off though. I don't really know how this'll work for a two legged… uh, thing like you."
  765. "I know how to deadlift."
  766. >she gives you the doubt.jpg look
  767. >"All right then."
  768. >you step over and give it a shot
  769. >but your back catches fire before it gets above two inches of clearance
  770. "Shit… fucking… damnit!"
  771. >and the whole thing clatters to the floor
  772. >"Oh, that's all right. I'll just take a little off."
  773. >you can almost taste what seems to be disdain rolling off of this blue horse's tongue
  774. >she takes ten pounds off of the bar
  775. >and about fifty off of your sense of self-worth
  776. >you get through deadlifts at this weight
  777. >bent over rows go equally unimpressively
  778. >your OHP is beyond pathetic
  779. >"All right, Anon, we're almost done. You're not doing too bad here. This last one is pretty tough though."
  780. >and there she is
  781. >apart from your rig and various obscure imageboards, this beauty in front of you was the only thing you'd ever considered to be your friend
  782. >the squat rack
  783. >Dash misinterprets your longing gaze
  784. >"Yeah, squats are pretty tough. I'll make this one easy on you."
  785. >she sticks twenty pounds on the bar
  786. >seeing your frustration, she winks and adds another ten
  787. >"But not too easy!"
  788. >that's just insulting
  789. >even when you'd just started lifting you had sixty on that bar
  790. >surely you can't be any worse than that now
  791. >you slap an extra thirty onto it
  792. >"Whoah there, buddy. That's a lot of weight. That's what I do!"
  793. >fuck you cunt just you watch me squat this shit
  794. >you step under the bar and take hold of it
  795. >"Anon, I am talking to you! Don't take that bar!"
  796. >it is too lake sergei
  797. >it was always too late
  798. >you come up
  799. >and you go all the way down
  800. >and you come all the way back up
  801. >for the first time since you've met her, Rainbow Dash seems to regard you with some amount of respect
  802. >"Anon…"
  803. >she breaks into a sly smile
  804. >"I didn't know you were holding back on me. You can do more than that too, can't you?"
  805. >her tone is eerily similar to when she was encouraging you to drink at that fucking party
  806. >but fuck yeah you can do more
  807. >you change the weight yet again
  808. >lmao1plaet
  809. >it's not quite what you used to lift, but you'd really like if you could do this
  810. >Dash is looking at you expectantly
  811. >one
  812. >another gym goer takes notice and wanders over
  813. >two
  814. >two more follow suit
  815. >three
  816. >a small group of cardiobunnies trots over to see all the hubbub
  817. >four
  818. >you're no longer focused on the growing crowd
  819. >five
  820. >your only feeling is the feeling of your glutes ascending to the heavens
  821. >six
  822. >YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME GAINS
  823. >seven
  824. >your left leg receives a sharp jolt
  825. >and you come crashing down
  826. >fortunately, the rack catches the weight
  827. >but you get a faceful of floor all the same
  828. >"Anon! Are you okay?"
  829. "I'm… just… great."
  830. >ignoring the fact that you're clearly doing less than great, Rainbow rushes you up to your feet and prances around
  831. >the whole gym is excited
  832. >">plz respond"
  833. >"dat posterior chain"
  834. >"TIME TO SCHLICK"
  835. >"I'll take 2,2 go!"
  836. >"It was so deep!"
  837. >"My appres! Shamefur dispray!"
  838. >your autism nearly makes you tell them that 90 really isn't all that much
  839. >and then you remember that these are 3-4 foot tall quadrupeds
  840. >and you shut up
  841. >and you stop being a sperglord for one time in your life
  842. >and you just bask in it
  843.  
  844. Part 8: Anon Fucking Hates Apples
  845.  
  846. >you stretch, causing the covers to fall off of your body
  847. >Spike is asleep
  848. >Twilight hasn't come by yet
  849. >the sun is only just starting to peek out over the horizon
  850. >it was during times like these, you reflect
  851. >that you used to enjoy walking to the nearest woods and rambling about outside
  852. >no parents reminding you of your abysmal social life
  853. >no professors to frustrate you to insanity
  854. >no coworkers or classmates to look at you funny
  855. >no bosses to threaten your job
  856. >no landlords threatening your home
  857. >and no magic fucking pony princesses insisting that you need friends
  858. >let's do it
  859. >you silently get dressed for a hike as appropriately as your wardrobe allows
  860. >and you stealthily move outside
  861. >it's a little bit dark out yet
  862. >and a cool, silent breeze flows past your skin
  863. >perfect
  864. >so you head out to the local forest
  865. >what could possibly go wrong?
  866. >your muscles still ache from the escapades of yesterday
  867. >but it's not a bad pain
  868. >like the mysterious battle scars you received from the party
  869. >or the burning of hot rocks on your back
  870. >…
  871. >or rope burns on your neck
  872. >the air is a little cooler in the forest, and the trees make it a bit dimmer
  873. >the sound of various birds and bugs sounds through the air
  874. >but these sounds do not disturb you
  875. >in fact, they help you relax even more
  876. >just you, the forest, and your thoughts
  877. >you think of Pinkie Pie
  878. >the energetic ball of life who got you into so much trouble
  879. >you don't really think you'd very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her
  880. >you think of Rarity
  881. >a pony who enjoys the finer things in life, but doesn't much like the quiet
  882. >you think you'd die of shame if you ever saw her again
  883. >you think of Fluttershy
  884. >you think you could simply sit quietly with her for hours on end, not a word needing to be spoken
  885. >it's unfortunate the company she keeps
  886. >and you think of Twilight Sparkle
  887. >the one who, like it or not, saved your life
  888. >the one who, supposedly, was once very much like you
  889. >the one who tries to shield you from the quiet as though it were a deadly poison without being fully accustomed to the noise herself
  890. >her good intentions can be a real bother sometimes
  891. >you stop and realize that it's completely and totally quiet
  892. >no birds sing, no bugs buzz
  893. >that's interesting for a forest this size
  894. >something snaps
  895. >ohshitwhatwasthat
  896. >out of the dark, quiet woods steps a monster
  897. >like a wolf, but made of wood and with burning green eyes
  898. >more green eyes peer out from the woods
  899. >your internal nigger sounds off
  900. >sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
  901.  
  902. >you once read that most predators won't chase you unless you run
  903. >it's like a reflex or something
  904. >unfortunately your brain is too fucked from seeing woodmonsters to remember that right now
  905. >and you take off sprinting before any of them get within ten feet of you
  906. >fuckfuckfuckfuck
  907. >you're running faster than you ever thought you possibly could
  908. >but FUCK there's no way you can outrun these things
  909. >so you get a stupid idea
  910. >you reach down hoping to grab a rock or a stick or something
  911. >you grab hold of a rock, but your feet lose their traction and you slip
  912. >you scramble into a sitting upright position and throw a rock at the nearest wolf
  913. >they pause long enough for you to stand up and grab more rocks
  914. >time to die
  915. >you throw another rock and the wolves run away like the pansies they are
  916. >blood and iron, lmao
  917. >wait, if you're safe, then what's that roaring behind you?
  918. >oh, it's nothing
  919. >just a fucking scorpion-bat-lion motherfucker
  920. >JUST
  921. >you hastily throw your rocks at its face and run after the wolves
  922. >by slipping between narrow spaces between the trees, you can slow it down a little bit
  923. >but FUCK it's gonna get you if you don't find a hiding spot
  924. >nothing good in sight
  925. >the ground trembles in front of you as a massive four-headed dragon thing smashes its way toward you
  926. >why the fuck do you even bother?
  927. >you half hope the lion thing is gonna fight for its right to eat you
  928. >but no, it's running away like a little bitch
  929. >whatever
  930. >you just stand there
  931. "Fuck you, you fucking cunt."
  932. >it fails to take offense
  933. >just as one of its heads is about to snap you up, an axe smashes into its eye and distracts it
  934. >you look to the left, certain that fucking yog sothoth is here just to make sure your day gets fucked up
  935. >it's one of Twilight's friends, the orange one with the hat
  936. >"Mr. Anon, this way now! Come on now get a move on there ain't much time!"
  937. >oh fuck yes
  938. >she leads you through a narrow winding path away from the shrieking monsters of the forest
  939. >there is silence from both of you until you come upon the entrance to a great orchard of apple trees
  940. >"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin' out in the middle of the Everfree Forest, Mr. Anon?"
  941. >you're still looking around frantically to make sure no more abominations appear
  942. >the orange pony sighs
  943. >"Yer safe here, Mr. Anon. This is my farm. Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres."
  944.  
  945. >you calm down, and your heartrate slows itself to about six million miles per hour
  946. >and you get down to earth just enough to hear Applejack's reproaching question
  947. >"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin in the Everfree Forest, Anon?"
  948. "I-I, I was, I was taking a walk."
  949. >"A walk? You mean like a stroll? A Sunday mornin stroll through the most dangerous neck o woods in all Equestria?"
  950. >her eyes radiate a concentrated beam of doubt into your soul
  951. "Well how was I supposed to know it would be full of horrible monsters?"
  952. >Applejack considers this for a moment and her hard gaze softens a bit
  953. >"Well, I guess you are new round these parts."
  954. >smiling gently as though absolving you of a minor social blunder, she gestures with her head
  955. >"Come on then, sugarcube. I was gonna take the day off too, after gettin some firewood. Course, now my axe is gone. Why don't you stay for breakfast?"
  956. >she leisurely saunters toward the big red barn in the center of the property
  957. "S-sure."
  958. >and you follow alongside her, but slightly behind her center
  959. >"So what do ya think o the good princess? She treatin ya well?"
  960. >the chaos of the past week flashes past your consciousness in an instant
  961. "Uh, yeah, I guess so."
  962. >"That's good."
  963. >she spies a big red pony by the little farmhouse
  964. >"Hey, Big Mac! Tell Granny to whip up an extra plate. We got company."
  965. >the big guy wordlessly and casually walks inside
  966. >"Hoo-ey. Granny Smith's the best cook this side o Canterlot. You're gonna love her cookin, I promise."
  967. >her green eyes quickly examine your form
  968. >"An you look like you could use a good breakfast. Good golly, boy, have you been eatin right?"
  969. >your depression-induced lack of appetite over the past year would have been the envy of most ascetic monks
  970. "N-not really, I guess."
  971. >you're just about at the simple screen door now
  972. >Applejack nudges your side with a playful hoof
  973. >"Aw-haw, well we'll see what we can do bout that! You'll be fuller n a bit box durin cider season!"
  974. >the countryism is lost on you
  975. >"Let's get in there, now, Anon. It'll get cold!"
  976. >with an exaggerated trot, the horse who just saved your life goes inside and makes loud greetings to her kinsfolk
  977. >oh dear
  978. >there's nothing for it but to follow her inside
  979. >instantly, a little yellow pony finds her way to your feet
  980. >"Hi! Are you Mr. Anon? I'm Apple Bloom and I'm glad to meet ya! The whole town has been buzzin ever since Pinkie Pie's p-"
  981. >"Apple Bloom! Give our guest some space!"
  982. >"Just sit right there, sugarcube. Breakfast'll be out in a pinch."
  983.  
  984. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  985.  
  986. >Applejack was right
  987. >Granny Smith makes some bomb ass breakfast
  988. >you honestly didn't realize how fast you were eating
  989. >and your plate is empty
  990. >"Shoot Anon. Y'all weren't kiddin about not eatin right. You must've been starvin!"
  991. >the old green pony who must be Granny Smith interjects
  992. >"A great big feller like that needs his vittles, darlin! You want some more apple fritters, Anonymous?"
  993. "Uh, n-no thank you."
  994. >you nervously glance out the window
  995. "I should probably get going now."
  996. >Applejack responds uproariously
  997. >"Nonsense! You should stick around for a spell! We're gonna have a nice, relaxin Sunday and we want you to join us."
  998. >they want you to join them?
  999. "O-okay."
  1000. >you sure do hope they don't change their minds
  1001. >the family finishes eating and giving their best compliments to the cook
  1002. >then things move to the front porch
  1003. >there's three rocking chairs and a two-seat swing set up
  1004. >you take a seat on the swing, hoping that it wasn't anybody's chosen spot
  1005. >the adults all find their chairs
  1006. >and Apple Bloom jumps up next to you
  1007. >and it's quiet
  1008. >you nervously observe for a moment before realizing
  1009. >it's not a bad quiet
  1010. >usually when you're with company and it's quiet, it's because you're an awkward sperglord who doesn't know what to say
  1011. >but here, nothing needs to be said
  1012. >after a week of hard work, the ponies of a farming family have stuffed themselves
  1013. >they intend to sit in the pleasant, quiet company of each other until the slight ache in their stomachs goes away
  1014. >it takes you a few moments more to relax yourself
  1015. >when it happens, you notice it
  1016. >your muscles seem to slide into a more comfortable position under your skin
  1017. >your back sinks into the cushion behind you until it hits the resistance of the wooden frame
  1018. >your vision expands as the skin around your eyes and mouth simply revert to a natural state of non-use
  1019. >the sound of your own breath sounds in your ears as you allow yourself to exhale fully
  1020. >you didn't even notice what you felt like until it went away
  1021. >okay
  1022. >"Mr. Anon?"
  1023. >and it all comes rushing back
  1024. >it's Apple Bloom
  1025. >you look at her attentively, unsure what, if anything, you're supposed to say here
  1026. >"Do you have your cutie mark?"
  1027. >what
  1028. "My what?"
  1029. >"You know,"
  1030. >the underage horse enthusiastically shoves her butt in your face
  1031. >"your cutie mark!"
  1032. >she seems to be proudly displaying the picture on it
  1033. >it's a tricolor shield with an apple in the center
  1034. >"It's what shows your special talent! The one thing you can do that makes you unique."
  1035. >Applejack chuckles
  1036. >"Heh, this little'un just got hers, and she's prounder'n a peach over it. It's a right special mark too."
  1037. "What is it?"
  1038. >"It means that I can help you understand what your cutie mark means and who you're supposed to be! I spent so long searchin for my own special talent that I guess searchin for special talents became my special talent!"
  1039. >that's a hell of a talent
  1040.  
  1041. >Applejack introduces more examples to you, gesturing to her own impressive hips
  1042. >"These here apples mean that I'm supposed to be an apple farmer, and Big Mac's got the same talent. Granny Smith, as you surely already know, is the greatest apple chef in all Equestria."
  1043. >you look and see that the mentioned ponies have butt stamps coinciding with Applejack's claims
  1044. >Apple Bloom turns to you
  1045. >"So what's your special talent? Oh wait, don't tell me! I wanna see, I wanna see your mark!"
  1046. >she starts frantically pawing at your wasteband in an attempt to see the alleged goods within
  1047. >you freeze the fuck up
  1048. >"Apple Bloom! Ya can't go round disrobin folks! Anon's not like us; he probably doesn't get one. Do ya?"
  1049. "N-no."
  1050. >Apple Bloom looks disappointed
  1051. >"Oh."
  1052. >"Well you can still have a special talent, right? What is it?"
  1053. >special talent?
  1054. >the child's question prompts some serious thought on your part
  1055. >you spent your childhood shirking off homework and avoiding people
  1056. >you've spent your adult life flitting from activity to activity depending on what your interest of the week was
  1057. >hiking, cooking, lifting, gardening, drawing, writing, programming, even philosophical thought, to name just a few
  1058. >you sometimes even came back to some of them every few months or so
  1059. >but you never really stuck with anything long enough to get good at anything
  1060. >just long enough to know how to shitpost about it
  1061. >but a single special talent?
  1062. >you certainly didn't lack any of the physical traits necessary to get one
  1063. >you weren't short, ugly, prone to obesity, or unintelligent
  1064. >you just
  1065. >never did anything
  1066. >Apple Bloom gets tired of waiting for your train of thought to come to a stop
  1067. >"What's yer special talent, Anon? What are ya good at?"
  1068. >her massive, glimmering eyes meet your tiny, darting ones
  1069. >the silence is oppressive once again
  1070. "U-uh, let me get back to you on that."
  1071. >and you get up
  1072. >and you leave
  1073. >and you can almost feel the awkward tension radiating from the porch into the back of your head until you're out of sight
  1074. >what the fuck are you good at?
  1075.  
  1076. Part 9: Anon Fucking Hates Friendship
  1077.  
  1078. >you feel it from the second you woke up
  1079. >today will be a terrible day
  1080. >you don't know how you know, as things are still quiet
  1081. >perhaps it's the sticky sensation of the accumulated misadventures of the past week lurching around in your soul
  1082. >perhaps it's some feeling of hopelessness at your inability to answer the question of yesterday
  1083. >perhaps it's the fact that you went all day yesterday without speaking to Twilight once, and had gone the past two days without speaking to her outside of breakfast
  1084. >perhaps it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come today
  1085. >it's five in the morning
  1086. >you're lying awake in bed
  1087. >you don't know why, but you know that today will be hell
  1088. >and then it hits you
  1089. >specifically, the sound of shouting poinies hits you
  1090. >"C'mon, it's going this way!"
  1091. >"This is Spike's room! It's Anon's room too!"
  1092. >"Maybe it won't go in."
  1093. >a floating purple star flies through the door
  1094. >shit fuckcuntering damnit fucking purple nigger jew kike wop sheeny bastards on a raft in shitfuck land
  1095. >you close your eyes and desperately try to pretend to be asleep
  1096. >the door crashes open and the sound of hooves thunders across the crystal tile
  1097. >a thud to your left and a nasally groan alerts you to the fact that Spike's slumber has been disturbed
  1098. >"Hey, what gives? It's five in the… whoah…"
  1099. >Rainbow Dash's voice explains Spike's evident wonder
  1100. >"It's circling over Anon's head."
  1101. >you continue your feigned sleep, knowing full well that you won't be left in peace any time soon
  1102. >"B-but why would it do that?"
  1103. >"Maybe it's a sign that Nonny is the Chosen One!"
  1104. >"Chosen what now, pardner?"
  1105. >"What would the map possibly choose Anon for, darling?"
  1106. >"Well, none of your cutie marks are signalling, only mine. Maybe the map wants me to take Anon."
  1107. >an awkward silence tells you that nobody likes the idea of you being chosen by some magical map any more than you do
  1108. >a hoof delivers a gentle yet firm shake to your shoulder
  1109. >"Anon? We need you to get up. This is important."
  1110. >you don't bother to fake waking up
  1111. >your eyes just open
  1112. >"Anon, get dressed and come downstairs. We're going somewhere today."
  1113. "Sure."
  1114. >the purple star zips out of the room
  1115. >"It's going this way!"
  1116. >"After it!"
  1117. >five ponies rush into the passageway
  1118. >Twilight stays behind and rubs your scalp for about ten seconds
  1119. >"Just meet us downstairs soon, Anon. Okay?"
  1120. "Okay"
  1121. >as Twilight leaves, you make a point to glance at her butt
  1122. >there's that same purple star on it
  1123. >what could a mark like that even mean?
  1124.  
  1125. >you get out of bed and head downstairs
  1126. >the six ponies are gathered around the table with the map
  1127. >in the same marked thrones where they sat during that awful breakfast
  1128. >their faces are deadly serious
  1129. >Twilight's cutie mark hovers over the Crystal Empire
  1130. >it seems to notice you and brighten up considerably
  1131. >Rainbow speaks up
  1132. >"Well, that settles it. Anon is supposed to go with you on this one."
  1133. >Twilight agrees
  1134. >"I can't really see any other interpretation to this. Anon has to be the one to come with me on this quest."
  1135. >she looks to you
  1136. >"I think I can kind of see why. Anon, you've made progress over the past week. I understand that you've opened up considerably more than I expected you would this early on."
  1137. >"I know it must not feel like it, but a lot of ponies around town know who you are, Anon. They think you're great. Not only for the things you never meant to do at the party, but also from your amazing display of strength at the gym. You can't see it yet, but you're giving an aura, Anon. An aura that draws ponies in."
  1138. >"You're not ready to fully integrate into a friendship-based society, but you're getting there. And I certainly think you're ready to help me solve whatever friendship problem may arise in the Crystal Empire."
  1139. >there's a tightness in your throat
  1140. >there's a lead weight in your gut
  1141. >there's a wet heat in your eyes
  1142. >never in all your life
  1143. >have you ever heard
  1144. >such a nice-sounding pile of horseshit
  1145. >you don't believe a fucking word of it
  1146. >you're about to start feeling pissed when Rarity pipes up
  1147. >"Oh, Twilight. An excursion to the Crystal Empire could easily turn out to be dangerous! Anonymous is just so… delicate."
  1148. >Fluttershy adds her two cents
  1149. >"Oh, it's true! Anon is so sensitive! What if he can't take it?!"
  1150. >Rainbow Dash disagrees
  1151. >"Of course he can take it! Anon is strong!"
  1152. >Pinkie Pie also leaps to your defense
  1153. >"Yeah! Anon is a ka-razy party animal!"
  1154. >Applejack is the only one who doesn't voice an opinion
  1155. >she just stares at you
  1156. >the orange farm pony delivers a perfect poker face in your direction
  1157. >Twilight interrupts the debate
  1158. >"It doesn't matter. We have to trust the map's judgement. If it says I take Anon, then I'll take Anon. There's nothing else to be said for it, girls."
  1159. >"Twilight, please let us come with you then! Anon isn't prepared for whatever's coming!"
  1160. >"No, Fluttershy. If you were supposed to come, we would know. This is the end of the discussion."
  1161. >a tense silence fills the air
  1162. >all this bickering over some faggot like you
  1163. >you suppress a cynical giggle
  1164. "All right, let's go then!"
  1165. >you're so not ready for whatever this shit is
  1166. >you don't even know what the fuck it's supposed to be
  1167. >like it fucking matters
  1168.  
  1169. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  1170.  
  1171. >for a while the chugging of the train is all there is
  1172. >your mind is blank
  1173. >there is only rapid, repetitive, regular sound of the locomotive
  1174. >and the quickly sliding landscape, moving ever backward
  1175. >the way it's peppered with constantly changing distortion from little beads of rain gathering on a pane of glass
  1176. >but there's nothing in your mind
  1177. >at least, not until the thought of "I'm not thinking of anything at all" crosses your mind
  1178. >fuck shit no damnit why fuck you fucking thoughts go away
  1179. >the more frantically you try to suppress your brain's activity, the more words it produces
  1180. >shit fucking damnit
  1181. >now you have to think about it
  1182. >think about what exactly?
  1183. >you look around the train cabin
  1184. >you see Twilight Sparkle sitting next to you
  1185. >she's clearly just as "deep in thought" as you were a minute ago
  1186. >Twilight's as good a place as any to start internally griping from
  1187. >you're sitting next to a magic unicorn princess with wings in a train on your way to a crystal city that calls itself an empire
  1188. >you are sitting next to a literal princess like you just don't give a shit
  1189. >and she is a talking horse
  1190. >this is all so fucking wierd
  1191. >you remember now that, when you were in high school, you had to read Gulliver's Travels
  1192. >most people didn't really get it past Lilliput
  1193. >but the part that had gotten to you the most was the last part
  1194. >with the Houyhnhnms
  1195. >essentially, a utopic nation of talking horses
  1196. >no stealing, no violence, no dishonesty
  1197. >they just couldn't comprehend these concepts
  1198. "Twilight?"
  1199. >it takes her a moment to realize she's been addressed
  1200. >she briefly mumbles something and looking around until her eyes settle on you
  1201. >"Yes, Anon?"
  1202. "Have you ever heard of 'lying'?"
  1203. >she gives you a look
  1204. >"Lying?"
  1205. "You know, saying that which is not."
  1206. >"No, I-I know what lying is, but… why would you ask me that?"
  1207. >well, Mr. Swift
  1208. >your vision was a little off
  1209. "No reason."
  1210. >"Do you wanna talk or something?"
  1211. "Sure."
  1212. >fuck
  1213. >you answered before you could think about it
  1214. >now comes the brief, awkward period where you stare at Twilight
  1215. >and she stares at you
  1216. >and you try to think of something to talk about
  1217. >fortunately, you're saved by the whistle of the train
  1218. >and a stallion with olympian ivory sideburns trots through the cabin
  1219. >"We have reached the Crystal Empire. All ashore who's goin' ashore."
  1220. >"We can talk in a little bit, Anon. Let's go. I didn't send word that I was coming, so hopefully Princess Cadance doesn't hold us up."
  1221.  
  1222. >Twilight slips into a raincoat before getting off the train
  1223. >"To hide the wings."
  1224. >and you're off
  1225. >"Okay"
  1226. >she pulls out a map of the city
  1227. >"Now, we should start searching for the problem right away. There's no way of telling just how serious this could be."
  1228. >okay
  1229. >so you walk off in a direction that catches your fancy
  1230. >Twilight notices after a moment and runs to catch up with you
  1231. >"Anon! Anon! Wait up! We can't just split up like this, you don't know your way around the Crystal Empire!"
  1232. "Neither do you."
  1233. >"I've got the map."
  1234. "Has a map of the area ever actually helped you find one of these problems before?"
  1235. >"W-well, it's never a bad idea to have a map!"
  1236. "How are we supposed to figure out what's going on anyway?"
  1237. >"In the past we've always just sort of stumbled across the problem."
  1238. "So let's go stumble around the city."
  1239. >"It's an Empire, Anon."
  1240. >what kind of shitty empire is a tiny piece of territory within a kingdom?
  1241. >whatever
  1242. >you're still walking in the direction you started off on, friendship horse princess in tow
  1243. >it's terribly striking just how comfortable you've grown with her
  1244. >"So…"
  1245. >you look at her
  1246. >"What was that about lying earlier?"
  1247. "Just some book I read when I was a kid."
  1248. >"A book? What are the books like where you're from? What sort of book was this?"
  1249. "It was a satire written against human society a long time ago. It was about a sailor who kept getting stranded in fantastical civilizations."
  1250. >she seems to have a general idea of where you're going with this
  1251. "In his final adventure, he comes to a perfect nation ruled by talking horses. There's no lying, no stealing, no violence, no crime. The only trouble is a vicious animal that looks and acts like a human being, but lacks human intelligence. The sailor loves living here, but in the end, he's…"
  1252. >Anon's not like us
  1253. "…just not like they are, so they have to banish him forever. He goes home and loses his mind, now fully aware that he'll always be stuck with a highly flawed society, a highly flawed body of peers, and a highly flawed self."
  1254. >Twilight doesn't respond right away
  1255. >"Wow. You've never opened up like that before, Anon."
  1256. "I guess."
  1257. >"Do you really think Equestria is like this place you described? You know, we do have lying and stealing and crime and whatnot."
  1258. >you look around, seeing nothing but happy, smiling, brilliantly shining ponies radiating warmth and familiarity in all directions
  1259. >you feel that in a big city like this back on Earth, you'd have good cause to be afraid of bodily harm right now
  1260. "Maybe so, but not to the extent that we had it. And you ponies have other desirable traits that human society lacks."
  1261. >"Like what?"
  1262. "Like, what you did for me. Most humans would have just said something insincere about how horrible it was that some young fellow would off himself like that and move along with their lives. Nobody would have really cared."
  1263.  
  1264. "And all my life I've been like this. Alone. The others all just… knew that I wasn't like them somehow, and they stayed as far away as possible. All of my deepest interactions with others haven't involved anything more intimate that shooting bullshit with someone who was forced to be around me daily for work or school reasons. Nobody would ever try to to reach out to me, least of all someone important like you."
  1265. >Twilight abruptly stops walking, forcing you to halt in your tracks and turn to face her
  1266. >"Nobody? Nobody at all? Not even your family? Anon, up until a few years ago I'd spent my whole life avoiding getting close to others, but I always had my family to turn to when I needed support."
  1267. >your family
  1268. >there's a shitfest you've given no thought to in a long time
  1269. >if Twilight was ever anything like you she'll answer this question the way you think she will
  1270. "How often did you turn to them after moving out?"
  1271. >"N-not very often."
  1272. >"But Spike was always around! And I kept in constant correspondance with Princess Celestia! It's something, Anon! You had somebody!"
  1273. >you think hard for a moment, prompted by the unexpected display of passion
  1274. >your family again comes to mind, but you rapidly banish the thought from your brain
  1275. >you had a few friends when you were little, but early on you started developing in a radically different direction from the way they went
  1276. >when high school started some folks briefly tried to recruit you into their social circles
  1277. >but those circles were just too loud, too bright, and too hot for you
  1278. >after a couple weeks you - almost involuntarily - would actively avoid them, and they always stopped talking to you after that
  1279. >college was much of the same
  1280. >by the time you got your first job it was too late for you
  1281. >by this point you'd stopped giving a shit, you crafted an entertaining mask and displayed it whenever your coworkers tried to see you
  1282. >they appreciated you to some extent at work, but not one of them really viewed you as an equal
  1283. >water cooler bullshit or not, they still knew that you weren't like them
  1284. >at least, that's the impression you got
  1285. >and after you quit that hellhole, you went NEET and lost all contact with everyone you'd ever known
  1286. >and now you're here
  1287. "None that I can think of, Twilight."
  1288. >you've practiced this conversation a billion times
  1289. >but never, in all the years since you first conceived it, did you ever dare to speak it aloud
  1290. >it's left you feeling squishy, cold, and vulnerable
  1291. >"Anon, I-"
  1292. >she's interrupted by a mighty roar of displeasure
  1293. >you both look across the street to see a gray and black stallion being goaded along down the sidewalk by an elderly, onyx crystal pony
  1294. >he doesn't have a cutie mark
  1295. >you want to label him a pathetic autist, but all you can do right now is feel
  1296. >Twilight, on the other hand, is petrified at the sight
  1297.  
  1298. ACT II: The Time is Coming When Betas Will Decide the Fate of Us All
  1299. Part 1: Sombra Fucking Loves Tendies
  1300.  
  1301. >the grey stallion shouts at his elderly companion
  1302. >"I DEMAND THE TENDIES THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE"
  1303. >the old mare tut-tuts in reply
  1304. >"Now Sombra, darling. You know that crystal tenders are ten good boy points, not five."
  1305. >"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE CRYSTAL TENDIES IS WHAT I DESIRE"
  1306. >"Sombra, sweetheart, you're making a scene. Let's get back home and I'll make you some haygel bites."
  1307. >grumbling about grave insults and scowling, Sombra lowers his head and follows his mother quietly
  1308. >goodness fucking gracious
  1309. >that poor, poor mother
  1310. >Twilight shoves you with her hoof
  1311. >"Anon, get behind me!"
  1312. "Wh-why?"
  1313. >"Do it!"
  1314. >without checking to see if you obeyed her order, the princess of friendship stretches her wings, tearing the flimsy raincoat from her body
  1315. >her horn glows an increasingly brilliant purple
  1316. >"King Sombra! You are not welcome in this land!"
  1317. >holy fucking niggers
  1318. >she's going to murder that autistic pony
  1319. >you should do something about this
  1320. >"T-Twilight! Is that you?"
  1321. >seemingly out of nowhere, a pink princess pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder with a nervous smile
  1322. >"Cadance, what are you doing? That's King Sombra!"
  1323. >"Y-yeah, that's him all right. He's been back for a couple weeks now."
  1324. >"A couple weeks? How come there hasn't been any news about this?"
  1325. >Cadance looks between Twilight and Sombra a few times
  1326. >"He's… not really doing anything newsworthy is he?"
  1327. >Twilight looks between Cadance and Sombra a few times
  1328. >he's just standing there scowling
  1329. >her horn stops glowing
  1330. >"I-I guess not."
  1331. >"Well, why don't you and your friend here come visit for dinner in the castle? I'll explain everything there."
  1332. >Cadance calls out across the street
  1333. >"Oh, Bismuth, would you and your son care to join me and Princess Twilight for dinner?"
  1334. >"Why, that would be lovely! Sombra, come along now. We're going to eat with the princesses."
  1335. >all of Sombra's rage dissipates and he timidly shuffles behind his mother across the street toward you
  1336. >Twilight looks to you, evidently distressed
  1337. >"Is this what the map sent us here for? What's going on?"
  1338. >you shrug, grunt, and follow the group toward a crystal castle that's arguably uglier than the one you've been living in for the past week
  1339.  
  1340. Part 2: A Shitty Fucking Evening
  1341.  
  1342. >you don't know how the fuck this happened
  1343. >this is the second royal banquet hall in which you've sat down to a meal
  1344. >you feel fancy as hell
  1345. >you're pulled out of this thought when you hear someone reference you
  1346. >"Hey, Twily! You didn't say you were coming over. Who's your friend?"
  1347. >"Oh, um, Anon? He's just, uh, you know."
  1348. >the stocky, blue-haired chad pony apparently doesn't know
  1349. >he stares at Twilight to get her to make him know until it becomes apparent that she's unwilling to elaborate any further
  1350. >thanks for the glowing introduction, you purple bastard
  1351. >"Okay then. Well, Anon, I'm Shining Armor. Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."
  1352. >you intended to say something that didn't sound severely socially retarded
  1353. "Y-you too."
  1354. >but it just didn't come out that way
  1355. >fortunately, the important folks have much more important things to discuss as dinner is brought out on platters
  1356. >oh boy, various grasses and flowers
  1357. >de-fucking-licious
  1358. >Twilight is anxious to get down to business right away
  1359. >"So Cadance, care to explain why he's here?"
  1360. >in obvious reference to Sombra
  1361. >"He showed up a couple of weeks ago. We were going to banish him to the frozen wastes, but his mother pleaded with us to let him stay. He doesn't seem to have his dark powers anymore, so we put him on a sort of probation."
  1362. >"Cadance, that stallion is a war-criminal and a despot! Dark powers or not, he's too dangerous to just be let loose on the Crystal Empire."
  1363. >Sombra's mother butts in
  1364. >"He's a good boy! He's just always had a hard time ever since his father and I broke up. Conquering the Crystal Empire was just a cry for help!"
  1365. >she's talking about a grown ass adult like he's a little boy
  1366. >Sombra himself doesn't seem to care about the apparent slight, busying himself with the arrangement of the blue flower petals on his plate
  1367. >Cadance puts out another case for Sombra
  1368. >"Twilight, don't be so quick to judge Sombra. It's my understanding that you're good friends with at least one war criminal and attempted despot yourself."
  1369. >"W-well, Discord is more Fluttershy's friend than mine…"
  1370. >fucking Discord
  1371. >what kind of cuck nation lets multiple would-be-conquerers walk around free within its borders?
  1372. >aw shit they're bringing out the deserts now
  1373. >it looks like something you can digest this time
  1374. >brownies next to hot coacoa
  1375. >awww yeeee
  1376. >the princesses continue their discussion, ignoring the bountiful cache laid out on the table
  1377. >only you and Sombra go to grab any
  1378. >unfortunately, your hand finds its way onto one brownie that Sombra has already magic'd
  1379. >"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
  1380. >you don't fucking know how this happened
  1381. >you're under heavy fire from brownie projectiles
  1382. >general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations
  1383. >warning status: red
  1384. >you're normally too much of a beta pushover to get mad
  1385. >but this is too fucking much
  1386. >you attempt to beat the shit out of the little shit
  1387. >perhaps fortunately for you, you find yourself whisked away to another room in a bright flash of purple
  1388. >Twilight is glaring daggers at you
  1389. >"ANON"
  1390. >time to get bitched at, son
  1391.  
  1392. Part 3: What I Learned in Friendship School
  1393.  
  1394. >"ANON"
  1395. >your resolve vanishes at the prospect of a stern talking to
  1396. >you shake and shudder and simply stare in response
  1397. >"YOU CAN'T GO AROUND ASSAULTING PONIES"
  1398. "H-h-h-h-h-h-hhe threw brownies and hot coacoa at me though…"
  1399. >"THAT'S… THAT'S…"
  1400. >"Look, Anon. I really think this is what the map sent us up here for. It would just mean so much to me if you just helped me help Sombra here."
  1401. >how are you supposed to help the bastard?
  1402. >you're barely more adjusted than he is
  1403. "What can I possibly do to help him?"
  1404. >Twilight is momentarily stumped
  1405. >she magics up a pen and parchment
  1406. >"I know you're not very far along yet, but I think it would be really helpful to Sombra if he could get some advice from another junior student in friendship."
  1407. >junior student in friendship?
  1408. >goodness fucking gracious
  1409. "Advice?"
  1410. >"Yeah. Just write down what you've learned this week."
  1411. >you haven't learned anything
  1412. >after an awkward pause, she places the pen into your hand
  1413. >"You must have learned something, Anon. Here, let me start it for you."
  1414. >she magics your hand and the pen within and begins reciting what she's writing
  1415. >"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"
  1416. >she admires her handiwork for a second and giggles
  1417. >"There. I'm gonna go apologize to Cadance for you. I'll be back in a bit when you're done."
  1418. >oh fuck
  1419. >alone with nothing but this awful task, you panic a little and start talking to yourself
  1420. "Okay."
  1421. "Okay."
  1422. "What the fuck did I learn?"
  1423. >…
  1424. >inspiration strikes you
  1425. "That's fukken it, son."
  1426. >and you compose what must be, in your humble opinion, your most masterful shitpost ever
  1427.  
  1428. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  1429.  
  1430. "Done."
  1431. >"R-really?"
  1432. "Yep."
  1433. >she seems disappointed
  1434. >"Are you sure? I have some good writing tips for you."
  1435. "It's done."
  1436. >"Okay then, let's see what you've got so far."
  1437. >she reads the opening line with a great big smile
  1438. >"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"
  1439. >and her face transforms into one that grows increasingly frustrated
  1440. >"The fat chicks really do eat dick the best…"
  1441. >"The disadvantages of not having a coat of fur…"
  1442. >"That, no matter how hard you try to be friends with someone, there will always be a… chad?… to fuck everything up…"
  1443. >"That… sloots love… gloots…"
  1444. >"And that some people aren't good at anything and should probably just not even try…"
  1445. >the paper whips into the floor
  1446. >she looks pissed
  1447. >"ANON!"
  1448. >you are 'abbin the giggle of your life right now
  1449. >"This isn't funny!"
  1450. >you clearly think it's pretty funny
  1451. >even after the paper slaps into your face multiple times
  1452. >"Anon, this is important! I'm sure Sombra is the reason why the map sent us here, and I know it picked you to come for a reason!"
  1453. >the genuine frustration beats you back into beta mode, and you pay attention
  1454. >"Look, Anon, I know you're not quite a social butterfly like the rest of us"
  1455. >damn son
  1456. >"But you don't seem to want to hurt yourself anymore."
  1457. >"So, as per our agreement, I can release you from your servitude."
  1458. >AW SHIT NIGGA
  1459. >"You won't have to live in the castle, you can have your tent back, and I won't be constantly breathing down your neck anymore."
  1460. >fuckin nice, son
  1461. >"You will, of course, receive visits from me on a semi-weekly basis. To make sure you're doing okay and to continue your education in friendship."
  1462. >i-it's still a better deal than what you've got now
  1463. >"But first"
  1464. >shit
  1465. >"You have to help me with Sombra."
  1466. "But how will we know when we're done?"
  1467. >Twilight waves her ass in your face like it's a perfectly normal thing to do
  1468. >When this"
  1469. >she touches the purple star on her butt
  1470. >"starts flashing again, we'll know we're done here."
  1471. >you take it all in for a moment
  1472. >"You don't have to have that paper written up today, but you do need to have it done, and you will interact with Sombra until we're done here."
  1473. "And then I'm free?"
  1474. >"And then you're free. Good night, Anon."
  1475. >she leaves
  1476. >a yellow pegasus pony wearing crystal armor walks in and gives you a face somewhere between a friendly smile and a superior smirk
  1477. >"Let me show you to your room, sir."
  1478.  
  1479. Part 4: Anon Makes a New Buddy (Anon Really Fucking Hates Flash Sentry)
  1480.  
  1481. "S-sure."
  1482. >"All right, right this way, buddy."
  1483. >>buddy
  1484. >the walk through the castle goes more or less quietly
  1485. >you really, really hope this guy doesn't have anything to say to you
  1486. >"So I heard you tried to off yourself, buddy."
  1487. >what the fuck
  1488. >you're a hopeless autist, and even you're pretty damn sure you don't say that kind of thing
  1489. "Wh-what?"
  1490. >"You know, buddy, when you grab the rope and you tie it off and you do the ol' 'look-ma-no-hooves' dance up in the air."
  1491. >holy shitlicking fucking jewniggers
  1492. >shut the fuck up
  1493. "U-uh…"
  1494. >"Don't wanna talk about it, huh? Yeah, man, I feel you, buddy. Some of my best friends tried it too. Can't really blame 'em, you know? We lost some real good stallions in the Battle of Canterlot, and that kind of thing messes with a guy, you know."
  1495. >goodness fuck that's some heavy shit
  1496. "So why'd you do it, buddy? Were you in some kinda war when you were back at home or something?"
  1497. >because you were lonely
  1498. >because nobody liked you
  1499. >because tfw no gf
  1500. >fucking shit that all sounds so fucking trivial in comparison to what he just told you
  1501. >how the fuck do you even respond?
  1502. "Uh…"
  1503. >"Ah, and here's your room right here, buddy. Your stuff should already be in there. Have a good night, buddy."
  1504. >>buddy
  1505. >he turns away and begins to canter off down the passageway
  1506. >you turn to face him with your response
  1507. "Y-you too."
  1508. >he doesn't seem to hear
  1509. >you hastily turn back toward your room
  1510. >but you turn too fast, and your feet get caught in one another
  1511. >it's too late, you're going down
  1512. >you hit the crystal floor hard
  1513. >in seemingly an instant, your armored traveling companion is at your side
  1514. >"Oh, gotta be careful with this crystal floor, it sure can be slippery. Need some help, buddy?"
  1515. >you hastily prop yourself up on your hands
  1516. "Nono, I'm good. It wasn't the floor being slippery anyway, it was just-"
  1517. >your hand slips on the smooth crystal surface, and you're treated to another face-fuck from the floor
  1518. >it doesn't even matter anymore
  1519. >you've half a mind to just sleep there for the night
  1520. >on the cold, crystal floor
  1521. >kept warm in a nest of your own spaghetti
  1522.  
  1523. Part 5: A War is Declared
  1524.  
  1525. >you ended up not sleeping on the floor
  1526. >somehow you managed to get to your bed
  1527. >and now, with sunlight filtering through the incredibly impractical crystal walls, you wake up
  1528. >you feel itchy
  1529. >you slowly sit up in your bed and scratch at your face
  1530. >ngah, fuck, that makes it worse
  1531. >this can't fucking be good
  1532. >did you leave your door open last night?
  1533. >you always close the door when you enter a bedroom
  1534. >why the fuck is that door open then?
  1535. >Twilight's voice assaults your ears from a distance
  1536. >"Anooon! Are you getting up? There's breakfast down here!"
  1537. "What is it?"
  1538. >"Pancakes!"
  1539. "Again?"
  1540. >"Get down here!"
  1541. >all right; this shouldn't be a problem
  1542. >just don't scratch yourself
  1543. >you throw the sheets off and force yourself to stand on the floor
  1544. >you never bothered undressing last night, so you simply head out the door
  1545. >where the hell do you even go?
  1546. >this castle is fucking huge
  1547. >"Anooooon!"
  1548. >that way, you decide to go that way
  1549. >your keen listening is rewarded with a set of sparkling stairs
  1550. >you step onto the stairs, and suddenly the rubbing of your clothing against your body reminds you that you're fucking itchy
  1551. >it takes a mighty effort to resist the need to scratch yourself, but you manage
  1552. >mostly
  1553. >or, mostly not
  1554. >by the time you reach the foot of the stairs, the itching is replaced with a sort of pleasant pain that only ten anxious fingernails can bring
  1555. >from the base of the stairs it's a straight path to a dining chamber, where Twilight and the others from last night are waiting for you
  1556. >Twilight approaches you
  1557. >"Anon, there you are. You look… red. Moreso than usual."
  1558. "Well I wouldn't look fucking green, now would I?"
  1559. >"Are you sure you're all right?"
  1560. >that autistic grey pony who's apparently the reason you're here speaks up
  1561. >"Maybe he's got scabies!"
  1562. >that's an oddly specific diagnosis to be making from fifty feet away
  1563. >Twilight cocks her head
  1564. >"Scabies? No, it's probably just-"
  1565. >Twilight's purple magic skims your skin and brings some sort of speck up to her eye
  1566. >"Sarcoptes scabiei. It is scabies! Anon, how did this happen? You bathe regularly, right?"
  1567. "Of course! My last shower was only…"
  1568. >oh fuck
  1569. >it has been a good spell, hasn't it?
  1570. >maybe not since you lived on Earth
  1571. >but still
  1572. >"Anon!"
  1573. "No, no no, no! There's no way…"
  1574. >the open door
  1575. >the uncanny diagnosis
  1576. >it reeks of foul play
  1577. >you point to the austistic pony
  1578. "He did this!"
  1579. >he touches his hoof to his chin and smiles
  1580. >Twilight isn't convinced
  1581. >"Anon! Sombra absolutely did not give you scabies! This sort of thing doesn't happen with proper hygiene! Anon, you're filthy!"
  1582. >the pink princess pony speaks up
  1583. >"Twilight, the castle has bathing rooms. Feel free to take your friend to one of them."
  1584. >you feel like you're going to try to kill yourself again
  1585. >Twilight is visibly embarrassed by the offer too
  1586. >"Thank you, Cadance. I'll do that right now."
  1587. >Twilight's horn purples and grabs your ear
  1588. >and as she drags you off, all you can see is Sombra
  1589. >smiling at you
  1590. >smugly
  1591.  
  1592. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  1593.  
  1594. >"Strip."
  1595. "Wh-what?"
  1596. >"Strip!"
  1597. "I can bathe myself, you fucking horse!"
  1598. >Twilight magically grabs your shirt and yanks upwards on it
  1599. >"Apparently not!"
  1600. "No, seriously, fuck off, I need privacy for this!"
  1601. >"Nope! You humiliated me; now I'm gonna humiliate you!"
  1602. >she mad
  1603. >Twilight grabs your arms and forces them up
  1604. >the shirt slides over your head and you're topless
  1605. "Oh, come on! You can't possibly-"
  1606. >"Last time I checked, you were still my vassal, and you were still bound to do everything I say!"
  1607. "B-but that was just-"
  1608. >your pants glow purple, and they begin to try to jerk downwards
  1609. "No, fucking stop!"
  1610. >Twilight finally manages to yank your pants down
  1611. >after they've fallen to your ankles, she yanks them to the side
  1612. >the pants come free, knocking your shoes off with them and sending you tumbling to the floor in prone position
  1613. >you were never issued underpants, so Twilight is treated to a big faceful of ass
  1614. >Twilight whacks your butt with her hoof to knock it away from her
  1615. >it falls to the floor with the rest of you, and roll over onto your back and groan
  1616. >"Get in the tub."
  1617. >somehow you don't feel like resisting any more
  1618. >you crawl over to the tub, climb over the edge, and collapse into the lukewarm water
  1619. >"Eeeew! Anon, the water is turning brown already!"
  1620. >bullshit
  1621. >it definitely looks more grey than brown
  1622. >Twilight grabs your head with her hoof and dunks it under the water
  1623. "Do that again, please. Only hold it there this time."
  1624. >Twilight's uses her hoof to smack the back of your head
  1625. >"Don't joke like that!"
  1626. >it's funny that she assumes it was a joke
  1627. >your scalp is bombarded with a sudden glop of cold, liquid soap
  1628. >and you're quickly dunked under the water again
  1629. >"Wait here. I'll be right back."
  1630. >it's extra funny that you have no memory of almost dying at any point until you tried to kill yourself last week
  1631. >because you're sure that you must have died at some point
  1632. >because Equestria is obviously some sort of hell
  1633. >"Here it is. Bend over, Anon."
  1634. >you see Twilight holding a very thickly-bristled scrubbing brush
  1635. "Wh-whatever happened to friendship and all that?"
  1636. >"Sometimes friendship is tough love, pal."
  1637. >the brush is applied to your back
  1638. >and somewhere, in the maelstrom of pain inflicted by it, a thought forms
  1639. >the thought?
  1640. >you're gonna fucking get Sombra back for this shit
  1641.  
  1642. Part 6: Anon Shares a Friendship Lesson
  1643.  
  1644. >"Hey Anon, why don't you tell Sombra something you learned this week?"
  1645. >you, Twilight, and Sombra are all walking through some sort of park
  1646. >it's a moderately-sized patch of green grass, dotted with giant, pastel crystals that cast colorful shadows in the afternoon sun
  1647. >a few translucent ponies can be seen sparsely spread across the park, enjoying a midday stroll with family, friends, and lovers
  1648. >from where you tread on the simple yet clean dirt path, you can see the city - empire, whatever - to your right
  1649. >to your left, whatever artificial weather magic these crystal horses have ends, and you can see out into miles and miles of frozen tundra
  1650. >you've been preparing for a question just like this ever since Twilight violated you this morning
  1651. >this is your chance to strike back at the autistic menace
  1652. "Just be yourself :)"
  1653. >hot damn
  1654. >you could actually feel the smiley face rolling off of your tongue
  1655. >Twilight beams at you
  1656. >"That's great advice, Anon. I didn't realize you were on to such advanced friendship principles!"
  1657. >perfect
  1658. >she doesn't suspect a thing
  1659. >Sombra looks confused
  1660. >"Be... myself?"
  1661. >Twilight nods and points to a mother with her daughter walking toward the three of you
  1662. >"That's right. Try saying hello to those two. Remember, just be yourself."
  1663. >oh shit
  1664. >you didn't intend to traumatize any baby horses with this
  1665. >it's too late to stop it now
  1666. >Sombra touches his chin and mumbles
  1667. >"Be... myself..."
  1668. >he puts his hoof on the ground, puts his chin up high, and strides authoritatively over to the approaching pair
  1669. >the little horse sees him coming and clings to the mother horse
  1670. >the mother horse stops and tries to comfort her child
  1671. >"It's all right, sweetheart. The princess says he's okay now. Don't be rude now."
  1672. >then Sombra arrives
  1673. >and he arrives really fucking close
  1674. >he stops and stares for a minute
  1675. >then, he leans forward and sniffs the mother's hair
  1676. >the poor thing is actually shuddering harder than her daughter at this point
  1677. >and then he says it
  1678. >"Griiiiizzzdal zzzzlaaaaaaaves..."
  1679. >the crystal horses jump so high into the air that you can actually see the sun shining through them
  1680. >they hit the ground running and fucking book it back into the city
  1681. >Twilight runs over to Sombra, who appears thoroughly perplexed
  1682. >"Sombra, why the hell did you do that?!"
  1683. >it's too much
  1684. >your sides fly off of your body and detonate over Moscow
  1685. >you're crying with laughter
  1686. "He was just being himself, Twilight!"
  1687. >"What?!"
  1688. "He was just being himself!"
  1689. >and through the tears of mirth that obscure your vision
  1690. >you can see him
  1691. >Sombra
  1692. >he's glowering at you
  1693. >and his eyes flash green and purple
  1694.  
  1695. Part 7: Anon is Unusually Candid
  1696.  
  1697. >you hold open the door for Twilight, still chuckling
  1698. >Twilight passes into the castle, Sombra close behind
  1699. >Sombra disappears around a corridor, fuming
  1700. >Twilight stops in the vestibule to wait for you
  1701. >you let go of the door and look at her, wondering what she wants
  1702. >"Anon, I don't understand why you'd try to trick Sombra like that."
  1703. >ah, so she's upset about that number
  1704. >she scratches her head
  1705. >"Furthermore, I don't understand why you'd use good advice to do it."
  1706. >you scoff
  1707. "What? 'Bee you'reself?'"
  1708. >"Yeah. How is that a trick? It was one of the first and most important friendship lessons I ever learned."
  1709. >you scoff again, louder this time
  1710. "And that, your highness, is why you don't get it. That's why you haven't fixed me and why you won't be able to fix Sombra either."
  1711. >"Anon, 'fix'? I never said you were broken."
  1712. "Exactly. I'm not broken. Neither is Sombra. We're both exactly the way we were made."
  1713. >"What are you trying to say?"
  1714. "I'm saying that for some people, "just be yourself" is bad advice. For someone like me, "myself" is not the sort of person anyone wants to associate with. Believe it or not, unpleasant people don't make friends."
  1715. >Twilight pauses
  1716. >and she thinks
  1717. >and she responds
  1718. >"Anon, I don't believe a word of what you're saying. I don't think you believe a word of what you're saying! You're not an unpleasant person, and I don't think Sombra has to be either."
  1719. "Oh, come on. Even you tried to get rid of me. You tried to dump me off in bug-eyed not-human land on day one."
  1720. >"Anon, that was, that was… Anon, you're being-"
  1721. "Unpleasant?"
  1722. >she sighs
  1723. >she looks down
  1724. >"Unusually candid."
  1725. >now it's your turn to pause
  1726. >yeah, this conversation wouldn't have been possible at the beginning of last week
  1727. >the "you" you'd come to know would have simply stood mostly silently
  1728. >he'd have given terse, one-word replies designed to give Twilight what she wanted and end the conversation as quickly as possible
  1729. >schadenfreude overcomes you as you realize what you're doing
  1730. "Exactly. Just being myself."
  1731. >Twilight's head jerks
  1732. >she scrunches her face and glares at you
  1733. >then she does a prompt about-face
  1734. >"This conversation isn't over, Anon."
  1735. >and she walks out into the corridor
  1736. >"I'll be in the library if you need me."
  1737. >and she disappears around the corner
  1738.  
  1739. Part 8: Anon's Stressful Night
  1740.  
  1741. >whatever
  1742. >it's never too early to go to bed
  1743. >you wish fucking Twilight Sparkle had never bothered with you in the first place
  1744. >at the very least, you wouldn't be here right now
  1745. >you trudge up the nearest staircase
  1746. >upon reaching the appropriate floor, you take the appropriate turn
  1747. >"Uh, hey."
  1748. >you turn to see who's speaking to you
  1749. >it's Twilight's brother, sitting at a desk in a sort of office with the door open
  1750. "Uh, hey."
  1751. >"What's Twily so mad about?"
  1752. >the floor suddenly becomes very interesting, like a magnet for your eyes
  1753. "I, uh, I dunno."
  1754. >"Oh, well, uh. Okay. I sure do hate seeing her like that. You sure you don't know?"
  1755. "I dunno."
  1756. >"Right. Well, if you see her, be sure to ask. When I asked, she wouldn't tell me."
  1757. "Sure."
  1758. >"All right. Have a good day then, Mr., uh, Nonermus."
  1759. "You too."
  1760. >the door to the office glows blue and closes
  1761. >Twilight said she was in the library…
  1762. >you could maybe go see if there was anything you could say
  1763. >or you could not do that and just sleep the shitty day away.
  1764. >sleep sounds better to be honest
  1765. >you trudge over to the room you were given
  1766. >and you make your way over to the bed you were given
  1767. >and you collapse
  1768. >and you pass out
  1769.  
  1770. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  1771.  
  1772. >and you wake up
  1773. >you're on fucking fire lad
  1774. >your eyes shoot wide open in reaction to extreme pain
  1775. >big mistake
  1776. >boiling hot water streams off of your face into your eyes
  1777. >you quickly bolt your eyes shut and make to wipe as much of the steaming liquid off of you as you can
  1778. >after rolling around for a bit, your body finds its way off of the edge of the bed and onto the floor
  1779. >the ringing in your ears dissipates after what feels like hours
  1780. >your brain starts thinking after what feels like days
  1781. >you chance to crack your eyes open
  1782. >before you stands Sombra, holding a steaming pot in a field of blood red magic
  1783. >he's not even smiling
  1784. >he's just staring at you, simmering and glaring
  1785. >you don't even need to think about what you're going to do next
  1786. "All right that's it you little shit."
  1787. >you charge your assailant, arms stretched out wide
  1788. >the impact happens before he can react, and sends you both tumbling to the floor
  1789. >you land on top of him and waste no time in pummeling his face to the best of your skinny arms' abilities
  1790. >of course, hooves at the end of thick forelegs can do a bit more damage
  1791. >Sombra's collide into your sides and you fall off of him
  1792. >he springs to his hooves and stands over you
  1793. >his horn glows that blood red color
  1794. >he closes his eyes hard, and his magic starts to expel black bubbles and transition into a greenish color
  1795. >his horn slowly appears to darken from the onyx color of his coat
  1796. >geez-o-fuck, no
  1797. >you pull your legs in
  1798. >the door to your room opens
  1799. >you kick into Sombra as hard as your panicking, enraged body can manage
  1800. >a female voice from the hallway
  1801. >"Anon, what is going on in-"
  1802. >it's a hell of a kick
  1803. >Sombra goes flying
  1804. >the sound of a sprawling impact resonates throughout the castle
  1805. >you slowly rise to your feet, conscious of blood and pus running down your cheek
  1806. >Sombra jumps to his hooves and runs in your direction, his horn lowered to point straight forward
  1807. >you note in a moment that his horn is again an ordinary unicorn's horn
  1808. >he never makes it to you
  1809. >his tail glows purple and yanks him backward
  1810. >he slides back into the hall, revealing someone you wanted to see even less right now
  1811. >"Anon!"
  1812. >wings outstretched and eyes on fire, in storms Princess Twilight Sparkle
  1813. >a rivulet of blood flows from her nose to her chin, and finally terminates in a single drop which leaps from her chin to the clean crystal floor below
  1814.  
  1815. >"What are you doing, Anon?!"
  1816. "Twilight, he-"
  1817. >"No, I didn't ask what Sombra was doing. I asked what you were doing."
  1818. "Twilight, you don't understand. Look at me, he-"
  1819. >"No! I understand perfectly, Anonymous!"
  1820. "No, you-"
  1821. >"Shut! Up!"
  1822. >she magically transforms your lips into a zipper and yanks them shut
  1823. >"I understand everything! The rude comments! The constant scowling! The way you don't take anything I say seriously! Your neverending pessimism! How you wake me up at two in the morning by getting into fights!"
  1824. >you move to unzip your mouth
  1825. >she slaps your hand down with her magic
  1826. >"It all makes sense, Anonymous! I understand everything now! I understand that you don't want to be helped!"
  1827. >now wait just a fucking minute
  1828. >you yank your mouth open and the zipper disappears
  1829. "You don't understand a single fucking thing! You're just an idealistic little snob trying to use me as a fucking science experiment to spread your cancerous fucking ideology! You've got your head shoved so far up your sparkly little asshole eating your own shit that you think all this friendship bullshit can actually help anyone! What happened to talking it out? Nope! Because obviously anyone can just up and make friends, whatever the fuck 'friends' are, like a fucking fairytale!"
  1830. >a tuft of Twilight's mane actually catches on fire
  1831. >"I knew it! I knew it! You don't want help! You don't want a better life! You'd rather stay in that awful tent of yours! You'd rather die in that thing! You'd rather kill yourself!"
  1832. >somehow the palm of your hand impacts the side of Twilight's head
  1833. >she looks away from you for an instant
  1834. >you're perfectly still
  1835. >all is silent as she looks directly into your eyes with a perfectly calm, utterly blank expression
  1836. >"You know what, Anon? Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't help you. Maybe you're beyond my capabilities to help."
  1837. >her face never changes
  1838. >you guess that at some point the other princess pony must have arrived, because she calls out from outside the door
  1839. >"Twilight? Don't do anything you're going to regret."
  1840. >Twilight doesn't look away from you to respond
  1841. >"Don't worry, Cadance. I won't. I'm just going to get Anon the help he so desperately needs."
  1842. >she takes your wrist hard into her magic
  1843. >she leads you into the passageway
  1844. >past Sombra, who grins ever so slightly
  1845. >down the stairwell
  1846. >out the palace door
  1847. >"Wait here, Anonymous."
  1848. >Twilight goes back inside and slams the door
  1849. "Oh, fuck…"
  1850. >you lean against the crystal door
  1851. >you slide down it til you hit the crystal road
  1852. >you put your elbows on your knees and your face in your hands
  1853. >centuries pass, and nothing moves
  1854. >a clattering and a clopping noise disturbs the stillness
  1855. >"Uh, Mr., uh, Nonnermus?"
  1856. >you look up
  1857. >a pegasus stallion, with glasses, a mustache, a small beard, and a uniform hat looks down at you
  1858. >"Transport to Canterlot Mental Hospital."
  1859.  
  1860. ACT III: Flowers for Anon
  1861. Part 1: Anon is on His Own
  1862.  
  1863. >you look up, and see a wooden carriage, lit up by moonlight from the sky and reflected off of the crystalline surface of the city
  1864. "Yeah… yeah, okay."
  1865. >somehow you rise up to your feet
  1866. >the stallion looks up at you
  1867. >"Hm, I didn't realize you'd be so big. It might be a bit uncomfortable for you."
  1868. "It'll be fine."
  1869. >he shrugs
  1870. >"Okay."
  1871. >you shuffle slowly toward the carriage as your driver hooks himself up to it
  1872. >your head turns nearly of its own accord to look upon the castle
  1873. >your eyes flit from window to window, trying to see if they can get one last glimpse of Twilight Sparkle
  1874. >all the windows are dark, it doesn't look like anyone is even awake
  1875. >not taking your eyes off of the castle, you manage to open the door and get inside the carriage
  1876. >it's a little bit cramped, your knees are pressed up near your chest
  1877. >"Going up!"
  1878. >the carriage speeds forward and takes off into the air, dragged on by the pegasus stallion's wings into the night
  1879. >the Crystal Empire is beautiful in the moonlight
  1880. >the soft, gentle, white light reflects, refracts, diffuses, and takes on the color of thousands of crystal surfaces, resulting in an aerial view unlike anything possible back on Earth
  1881. >you don't notice that though
  1882. >you keep your eyes glued to the castle, waiting for Twilight to come look through a window
  1883. >the castle gets smaller
  1884. >the windows shrink to little pinpricks of darkness against the brilliant crystal
  1885. >you're not sure if you could even make out Twilight looking out through one at this distance even if she was
  1886. >she's not looking though
  1887. >you know in your mind that she doesn't care
  1888. >that she's glad to be rid of you
  1889. >the carriage passes over the clouds
  1890. >everything below is lost behind the puffy curtain
  1891. >you tear your eyes from the window and look up at the roof of the carriage
  1892. >at some point you must have fallen asleep
  1893. >because you're awoken by a rough landing in a grassy courtyard
  1894. >the pegasus calls out
  1895. >"All right, here we are, Mr. Nonermous."
  1896. >you open the door and step outside
  1897. >where did he say this was?
  1898. >Canterlot
  1899. >Canterlot's a beautiful city too
  1900. >everything is white marble, just barely reflecting the firey red rays of the Sun, which is just starting to peek over the horizon
  1901. >before you can take in the view, however, you're bumped in the leg by a huge earth pony in a white jacket
  1902. >"Get a move on, you're going inside."
  1903. >an identical partner to this stallion appears at your other side
  1904. "Y-yeah… okay."
  1905. >the walk inside is a messy haze, its only distinctions being the regular intervals when the hospital guards shove you to change your direction
  1906. >at some point you stop at a door
  1907. >"This is your room. Be sure to say hi to your roommate."
  1908. >one of them opens the door
  1909. >the other pushes you inside
  1910. >you stumble and hit the floor as the door slams behind you
  1911. >you look up
  1912. >staring irritadedly at you is your roommate
  1913. >she's a massive, bloated, teal unicorn
  1914. "H-h-hi, Tumble Hooves."
  1915.  
  1916. >Tumble Hooves' eyes roll from within their lipidous craters
  1917. >"Ugh."
  1918. >she rolls over on her bunk, away from you
  1919. >"Your bed is on the other side."
  1920. >you go over and plop down into a sitting position on the bunk she references
  1921. "S-s-so, uh, what's up, uh, babe?"
  1922. >Tumble Hooves groans
  1923. "O-oh, come on! Why you gotta be so cold? W-w-w-we, w-we made love!"
  1924. >the whale-like unicorn bolts upright in a flabby, teal lightning bolt and glares steak knives at you
  1925. >"No, you came in your pants and passed out!"
  1926. >she flits her short, straw-colored mane with her wide, jiggling hoof
  1927. >"Hmph. As if I'd ever let a skinny monkey like you get some of ''my'' hot ass!"
  1928. "B-b-b-but the lint! B-b-bellybutton!"
  1929. >Tumble Hooves is staring at you with complete and utter disgust
  1930. >"That's. Your problem."
  1931. >she falls back down onto her mattress with a whumph and rolls away from you
  1932. >"Creep."
  1933. >you lean against the wall, look up, and sigh
  1934. >you feel relieved
  1935. >it's the relief of a burden you didn't even know you had
  1936. >it feels like something that's been missing has been restored to you
  1937. >specifically, your virginity
  1938. >funny how something like that can become a part of your identity
  1939. >it's like you're you again
  1940. >of somewhat less importance, the hooved whale in the room with you is a lot less intimidating now
  1941. "Well, okay. What are you even in for?"
  1942. >"Total bullshit. They said I have an 'eating disorder'. Can you believe that? Me? An eating disorder?"
  1943. "Heh, well, that sure is unfortunate."
  1944. >"Yeah. Don't bother telling me what you're in for."
  1945. >last night flashes before your eyes
  1946. "I-I-I, I d-don't think I was going to."
  1947. >"Good. Because everyone already knows you bitchslapped the princess."
  1948. >GEEZ-O-SHIT
  1949. "Everyone knows about that?!"
  1950. >she laughs gelatinously
  1951. >"Oh yeah, it was all over the morning news."
  1952. >you slump over and your side impacts the mattress
  1953. "I didn't realize she'd go to the press about it."
  1954. >you roll over onto your back
  1955. "I didn't realize she'd go to the press about it this quickly."
  1956. >Tumble Hooves belches
  1957. >"Fuck 'er."
  1958. "What?"
  1959. >"I thought it was pretty cool."
  1960. "That's fucked up."
  1961. >"Yeah, most of the folks around here think you're a fucking sack of shit."
  1962. "Fuck."
  1963. >Tumble Hooves chuckles
  1964. >"Yeah, you're fucked."
  1965. >the door to your cell slams open, revealing one of the guards from earlier
  1966. >"All right, you two, sleep time is over, come on, get up, get up! Breakfast isn't gonna wait all day!"
  1967.  
  1968. Part 2: Day One
  1969.  
  1970. >breakfast
  1971. >if you can call it that
  1972. >you'd honestly prefer to call it "shit"
  1973. >the tray in your hands bears a glistening, gloppening glob of something you'd like to believe is plant matter of some sort
  1974. >now all that remains is to find a table to consume it at
  1975. >ideally, you'd prefer a table that's unoccupied
  1976. >you look and you look and you do a little awkward shuffle around the hospital galley in search of a table that meets your seemingly low criteria
  1977. >unfortunately, your wishes simply aren't meant to be fulfilled
  1978. >this place is packed
  1979. >so you lower your criteria further
  1980. >just a table without a lot of horses sitting at it
  1981. >and with that, you lock onto a a table in a corner with only one occupant
  1982. >she's a mare, no wings or horn, light brown coat, dark brown mane done up in a black bow, and sitting in the corner of the table
  1983. >perfect, you'll just sit in the opposite corner of the table and not speak to her
  1984. >you make your way over and claim your seat as quietly as possible
  1985. >you're normally a fairly fast eater
  1986. >it's just one bite after another; the fact that other folks eat so slowly is a mystery to you
  1987. >you'll be out of here in short time
  1988. >or at least, that's your assumption, until the mare you share your table with speaks to you
  1989. >"Hey, you're the guy who slapped the princess, right?"
  1990. >the sudden addressing makes you jump slightly, and you pause before deciding to pretend that you hadn't heard her and continue eating
  1991. >unfortunately, the poor deception doesn't throw her off
  1992. >"Hey, hello? Did you hear me?"
  1993. >during a brief cringe, you reconsider and decide to answer her question
  1994. "Y-yeah."
  1995. >"Yeah you heard me or yeah you slapped the princess?"
  1996. >goodness fuck
  1997. >you'd just like to eat your flavorless not-prison food in peace
  1998. "I-I, uh, yeah, I d-did… hit… the princess."
  1999. >"What?"
  2000. "I slapped the fucking princess right in the fucking face."
  2001. >there, that oughtta make her let you chew your plant matter
  2002. >"So how was it?"
  2003. >you find that you're unable to chew your plant matter, and in fact all you can do is sort of half spit it out and half drool it out while half choking on it
  2004. >once your throat is cleared, you stare at the mare
  2005. "What?"
  2006. >"What was it like when you slapped Princess Twilight?"
  2007. >what the fuck
  2008. "I-it was… it was… I-I dunno."
  2009. >"You dunno?"
  2010. "I dunno!"
  2011. >"So I heard you tried to kill yourself?"
  2012. >geez-o-shit the morning news really had all the fucking details, didn't they?
  2013. >"Uh-huh. That's why I'm here too. You can still kinda see the cuts on my forelegs. You wanna see?"
  2014. "N-n-not particularly."
  2015. >on that note, the mare jumps down from her seat and makes as if to leave
  2016. >"When's your doctor appointment scheduled?"
  2017. >doctor appointment?
  2018. >what, like a therapy session?
  2019. >they didn't give you any sort of schedule
  2020. >do you need one?
  2021. "I-I dunno."
  2022. >"Perfect. You're coming with me."
  2023. "Uh, why?"
  2024. >"You wanna get out of here quickly, don't you?"
  2025. "L-l-l-like an escape or something?!"
  2026. >"No, not like an escape. Much more legitimate than that. More like, uh, like playing the system."
  2027. "Oh."
  2028. >"Are you coming?"
  2029. "Uh…"
  2030. >you eye the half-eaten glop of plant matter on your tray
  2031. "Sure."
  2032.  
  2033. >you follow your companion through the hospital passageway
  2034. >apparently you'd been holed up in the depressives ward
  2035. >other doors that you passed by indicated other wards within the mental hospital
  2036. >manics
  2037. >delusionals
  2038. >a scream wafts out as you pass by the door labeled "dangerous"
  2039. >your eyes linger a bit on the door labelled "criminally insane"
  2040. >you think for a moment that you're lucky you weren't shoved in there
  2041. >"So, uh, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you do it?"
  2042. "Do what?"
  2043. >"You know. Try to off yourself."
  2044. "I kind of mind you asking."
  2045. >"Oh sure, sure. Let's start somewhere else then. You're pretty obviously not a pony. What are you?"
  2046. >for a moment, you feel like you don't even know
  2047. >but you figure she's asking for the name of your species
  2048. "Human. I guess it's sort of like an ape."
  2049. >"'Human'… I don't think I've ever heard of that. Where are you from?"
  2050. "I called it "Earth". Relative to here, I have no idea where that is. I don't even know how I got here."
  2051. >"You don't?"
  2052. "Well, I just sort of, fell asleep one night, in my bed, in my tiny, shitty apartment, and the next thing I knew I was on a bench in the middle of, uh, Ponyville."
  2053. >"And that must be when you met Princess Twilight."
  2054. "Uh, n-not exactly. I didn't really make her acquaintance til about a year later, a little over a week ago, when she found me, uh, at the… at the end of a rope."
  2055. >"So that's how you did it."
  2056. "Yeah."
  2057. >"Huh. She just decided to drop by after a year of not even looking at you, at that exact moment?"
  2058. "I guess so."
  2059. >"That's unlucky. I'm still here because I made a mistake."
  2060. "A mistake?"
  2061. >"Yeah. Apparently cutting is a slow way to do it. I got found hours afterwards."
  2062. "Isn't that a… a lucky mistake?"
  2063. >"Eh, I guess so."
  2064. >silence
  2065. >awkward silence
  2066. >you don't think…
  2067. "S-say, doesn't it bother you that I'm… uh, a-apparently the kind of guy who hits mares?"
  2068. >"Huh?"
  2069. "I-I-I mean, I hit Princess Twilight and all."
  2070. >the mare rolls her head around in thought
  2071. >"Those burn marks on your face. Did you get those before or after you smacked her?"
  2072. "Uh, before, I guess."
  2073. >she meets your gaze with something that feels a little dangerous lurking in her eyes and a little smile dancing upon her lips
  2074. >"Maybe she deserved it then."
  2075. >whoah
  2076. >now it's your turn to stop speaking and think for a moment
  2077. >the notion that Twilight might have been in the wrong herself actually hadn't crossed your mind until now
  2078. >you become a little bit mad
  2079. >how the hell couldn't she see that you hadn't started it?
  2080. >maybe you had rights just the same as anyone else
  2081. >wait a second
  2082. "What would you have said if I'd said 'after'?"
  2083. >she looks at you again, with that sly smile slowly expanding its borders across her face
  2084. >"Well then, you'd have already gotten what you deserved, now wouldn't you?"
  2085. >suddenly you find yourself much more relaxed for some reason
  2086. >"Besides, it's not like she's defenseless or anything. She's an alicorn princess; she could have vaporized you without even thinking about it."
  2087. >a few moments more of silence, marked by frequent, expectant glances from your guide
  2088. >what could she possibly want?
  2089. >"So, uh, the news said your name was Anonymous, right?"
  2090. >oh
  2091. >oh!
  2092. >it suddenly dawns on you that you haven't about her name
  2093. >or anything else about her for that matter
  2094. "Y-y-y-yeah. A-and, uh… y-you must be, uh…"
  2095. >seeing you realize your social blunder makes her smirk a little as she stops in front of a door labelled "children" and prompts you to do the same
  2096. >"I'm Amber Ember, and I'm going to show you how to get out and stay out of the insane asylum."
  2097.  
  2098. >Amber places her hoof on the handle of the childrens' ward
  2099. >wait a second
  2100. >images of FBI ponies dragging you away to a black van cross your mind
  2101. "Uh, what are we going in there for?"
  2102. >"Arts and crafts."
  2103. "What?"
  2104. >"Anonymous, can I call you Anon or something?"
  2105. "S-sure."
  2106. >she smiles
  2107. >"Anon, we're both here for being depressive recluses, right?"
  2108. "I feel like my case may be a bit more political than that."
  2109. >"Whatever. At some point the question of letting you out is gonna pop up, and they're gonna look at your behavior since you got here to figure that out. The more like a sociable and and well-adjusted pon- er, human, right- or whatever you act like, the better things are going to look."
  2110. "And, arts and crafts…?"
  2111. >the smile grows a little wider
  2112. >"Anon, what could possibly be more sociable and well-adjusted than helping some cute, troubled, little colts and fillies make macaroni art?"
  2113. >with that, she turns the handle and opens the door
  2114. >or are they called hoofdles here?
  2115. >since horses don't use hands to turn them
  2116. >you're distracted from your distraction by a sonic wall of squeaky voices
  2117. >"GOOD MORNING MISS AMBER"
  2118. >so she's a regular around these parts
  2119. >the aloof, blunt attitude that you've known Amber Ember for in these past ten minutes since you met her vanishes in the face of the baby horses
  2120. >"Why hello there! How are you all?"
  2121. >a cacophony of about two dozen voices carries about two dozen replies
  2122. >"Okay everyone, I'd like you all to meet my good friend Anon here. Everyone say hello!"
  2123. >they obey in perfect unison
  2124. >"GOOD MORNING MR. ANON"
  2125. >except for one chubby boy pony
  2126. >that's called a colt, right?
  2127. >he stares and points at you
  2128. >"You hit Princess Twilight."
  2129. >even
  2130. >the fucking
  2131. >children
  2132. >the observation rapidly turns you into the cause of some controversy among the tiny ponies
  2133. >Amber protectively steps out in front of you
  2134. >"N-now, now, now, no… well, yes, Anon did hit the princess."
  2135. >your blood runs cold as the adorable baby ponies shoot death rays of pure venom out of their eyes and directly into your soul
  2136. >"B-but, but, but, he-he's very sorry, and he's here to make up for it by helping us with our arts and crafts."
  2137. >Amber looks up at you, conveying in her eyes the nature of the delicate tightrope you must now tread to maintain the peace
  2138. >"Anon, you're a big guy, would you mind reaching up to that high shelf and getting our arts and crafts box for us?"
  2139. "S-sure."
  2140. >you need to watch the way you stumble over your words
  2141. >displays of weakness are probably unwise right now
  2142. >you locate the box and set it down on a table
  2143. >"Great. Now just lay it all out there."
  2144. >you remove paper, markers, macaroni, glue, glitter, and other tools of the trade from the box and lay it all out on the table
  2145. >the little horses come to claim their livelihood from the table
  2146. >as they do so, they make a point of not looking at you and of getting out of your presence as quickly as possible
  2147. >as the last little pony hobbles over to a table, Amber canters over toward you and flashes another smile
  2148. >"Thanks Anon."
  2149. "Uh huh."
  2150. >a filly cries out from across the room
  2151. >"Miss Amber!"
  2152. >"Oh, let me just go, and, yeah."
  2153. >and with that, you're left to your own devices
  2154. >you decide to glance over the shoulders of the kids to see how their art is going along for now
  2155. >the first filly you check glares at you and pulls her paper under her body to let you know that your help is unwanted
  2156. >as does the second
  2157. >and the third
  2158. >your eyes lock onto a solitary, pale, pink filly who's taller and much skinner than the other little ponies, sitting without any paper, just a grumpy expression on her face and black makeup caked under her eyes
  2159. >this must be the equine equivalent of a teenager
  2160. >if nothing else, her unwarranted elitism should make her somewhat immune to the mob mentality that's causing the younger children to aggressively exclude you
  2161. >you grab a paper and a marker and tentatively place yourself across from her
  2162. >the filly harrumphs and looks away from you
  2163. >at least there's no righteous hatred in this one
  2164. "Uh, hey there, uh, kiddo. What's your name?"
  2165. >she gives you a look that was probably meant to intimidate you, the otherworldly being who's over three times her weight and lived to tell of slapping an alicorn princess in the face
  2166. >"Blackened Heart."
  2167. >Blackened Heart?
  2168. >not even in ponyland
  2169. >that's way too edgy
  2170. "I mean your real name, kid."
  2171. >she smacks the table with her skinny hooves
  2172. >"That is my real name!"
  2173. >a strangely smug nurse who seemingly just so happened to be passing by sticks her head next to yours
  2174. >"I think it's Sweet Heart or something like that."
  2175. >Sweet Heart glares daggers at the smirking interjector, who retreats at a relaxed pace
  2176. "Well, okay then. Why don't you try drawing something, Sweet Heart?"
  2177. >you slide the paper and marker over to her and wait for her to give you some sort of angsty reasoning
  2178. >surprisingly, she doesn't
  2179. >instead she thinks for a moment, picks up the marker, and begins marking paper with it
  2180. >a few minutes of silence, apart from the noisy room-full of kids around you, ensues
  2181. >upon finishing, Sweet Heart inspects her work, makes a satisfied facial expression, and slides the paper over to you
  2182. >"It symbolizes the black darkness of my soul."
  2183. >this kid
  2184. >the picture is of a unicorn skull flying across a night sky on bat wings
  2185. >it's weirdly well-detailed
  2186. "That's… very good. It's a little disturbing, but-"
  2187. >you never finish your sentence
  2188. >a glob of something smacks the back of your head and lodges itself there
  2189. >you turn to view your assailant
  2190. >but all you see is brightly-colored linoleum, only this, and nothing more
  2191. >a mighty, squeaky, battle cry sounds from above you as a four tiny hooves collide with your shoulders and wrap themselves around your head
  2192. "OH, F-"
  2193. >wait a second
  2194. >you can't swear in front of all these small children
  2195. "OH, GOLLY"
  2196. >you get up and try to pry the scrambling baby horse from your head
  2197. >when another latches itself onto your leg
  2198. >and a set of teeth buries itself into your ankle
  2199. "GOLLY GEE"
  2200. >before long you're covered in a mass of angry baby horses, hell-bent on avenging their dishonored princess
  2201. "OH GOODNESS GOLLY GEE WILLICKERS I'M COVERED IN HORSES PLEASE HELP ME"
  2202. >it doesn't take too long for Amber to take notice
  2203. >"Oh, Anon, I'm so sorry! Children, please, please get off of him!"
  2204. >the shakey demand goes unheeded
  2205. >you make it to the door
  2206. >no sooner do you get it open than you lose your balance and pitch forward
  2207. >you hit the floor hard
  2208. >the horses at last get off of you and scatter
  2209. >Amber gallops out after you and helps you to your feet
  2210. >"Anon, I'm so, so, so sorry! Are you okay?"
  2211. >"I should hope so, Ms. Ember. Mr. Nonermous here is over 30 minutes late for his first meeting with me, and I'm rather anxious to get started."
  2212. >the intruder is a unicorn mare with a clipboard and wire-frame glasses
  2213. >her mane is just starting to look grey, and her body is just starting to look fat
  2214. >"D-Doctor Lectra! A-A-Anon told me here he didn't know his schedule, a-and I didn't know you were his doctor, s-s-so I figured-"
  2215. >"That you'd take him with you to help the foals. That's very nice of you, Ms. Ember. Everything is fine, just don't expect your own meeting with me today to be any sooner than 40 minutes late."
  2216. >she grabs your wrist in her bluish magic and pulls you back to your own ward
  2217. >"Come along, Mr. Nonermous."
  2218. >Amber calls out after you
  2219. >"You'll do great, Anon. Dr. Lectra is my doctor too. She's the best!"
  2220. >and you don't think that she thinks that you see this next part
  2221. >but she looks down
  2222. >and looks away
  2223. >and claws at the floor with her hoof
  2224.  
  2225. Part 3: The Lectra Complex
  2226.  
  2227. >the office walls are simply adorned with coffee-colored paint and neutral, unobtrusive decorations, set in place over an earthen brown carpet
  2228. >atop the shaggy carpet rests a big oak desk, which Dr. Lectra promptly takes a seat behind
  2229. >across from the desk is a couch which might appear roomy to a five-foot quadruped whose natural tendency when lying down is to curl up
  2230. >that's where the doctor directs you to lie
  2231. >"Now, Mr. Nonermous… am I saying that right?"
  2232. "It's, uh, Anonymous, not Nonermous."
  2233. >"A… non… ner… miss?"
  2234. "Nih-miss."
  2235. >"A… non.. Anonymous. Mr… Anoner-nimit-nymous… Anonymous. Oh my goodness that's hard to pronounce. Is that your full name? Do you have something like a surname?"
  2236. >a surname?
  2237. >you're pretty sure you have a surname
  2238. >uh
  2239. >you know, after a year of not speaking, it's a miracle you even remembered your first name
  2240. >wait, why not just tell her to call you Anon?
  2241. >"Ah, here's your file."
  2242. >Dr. Lectra produces a beige folder from her desk and flips through it
  2243. >"And your full name is… Anonymous Faggot. Aha! Mr. Faggot. That's much easier to pronounce, don't you think, Mr. Faggot?"
  2244. >oh
  2245. >right
  2246. "Uh…"
  2247. >"Come again, Mr. Faggot?"
  2248. "Please… please don't call me Mr. Faggot."
  2249. >"Just Faggot?"
  2250. "My last name is weird, and I don't like it when people refer to me by it. It's uncomfortable."
  2251. >"Hmph. Well, I suppose if it's for the comfort of my patient, I'll just have to get used to pronouncing 'Anonymous.' Even if the patient in question is guilty of first-degree lese majeste."
  2252. >you sigh
  2253. "Th-thanks."
  2254. >"Of course. Now, let's get started. I hope you don't me asking, but what exactly are you? Where are you come from?"
  2255. >wierd, most days you don't introduce yourself even once, but today you're doing it twice
  2256. >multiplying from your usual 0, that's an improvement of more than infinity
  2257. "Well, I'm called a human, and the place I'm from is called Earth."
  2258. >"Earth? I haven't heard of it. Is that one of those distant, exotic lands? You speak Equestrian very well."
  2259. "Relative to here? I don't know where it is. I don't know if it's even on this planet, or in this same universe."
  2260. >"… Oh?"
  2261. >the look on her face tells you that she's wondering if you don't belong in the delusionals ward
  2262. >hopefully the fact that you're an unidentifiable monster will help convince her that you don't
  2263. >"And I take it you don't know how you ended up in Equestria."
  2264. "No."
  2265. >"When did you arrive?"
  2266. "A little over a year ago. I just… I fell asleep in my apartment, and I woke up on a park bench in Ponyville."
  2267. >"Apartment? So I take it that this Earth wasn't terribly different from Equestria?"
  2268. "No."
  2269. >"So, you're familiar with concepts like friendship, childhood, feelings and what not?"
  2270. "Yeah."
  2271. >"But you'd never seen a pony before, correct?"
  2272. "No."
  2273. >"That must have been quite the experience. Would you say your problems started there? You know, with waking up in a brand new world and being isolated from others of your kind?"
  2274. >isolated from others of your kind?
  2275. >heh, no, that goes back much further than a year
  2276. "Uh, I don't think so. Maybe… before that."
  2277. >"Okay, so, tell me a little something."
  2278. "Like what?"
  2279. >"Uh, well somethimes patients opt to give me a sort of life story, starting from their childhood."
  2280. "Just… childhood?"
  2281. >"Yeah, you know. Like, you went to some sort of school, right? How was it?"
  2282. "Well, I guess most of it was pretty easy for me. I sort of glided through near the top without trying very hard, but near the end not knowing how to try kind of ended up hurting my grades."
  2283. >the doctor jots down some jottings on her clipboard
  2284. >"That's… interesting, Mr. Anonymous. But… I was looking for something a bit more personal than that."
  2285. "Personal?"
  2286. >"Yeah. You know, stories involving persons. Anything about any friends, girlfriends, stuff like that. You know?"
  2287. "N-not really."
  2288. >"What do you mean, 'not really'?"
  2289. "I mean, there's, there's nothing to tell."
  2290. >"What? Like you didn't have any friends?"
  2291. "Uh… I guess so."
  2292. >"Never fell in love? Met a nice mare- er… humaness?"
  2293. "No."
  2294. >"Bullies?"
  2295. "Nope."
  2296. >more jottings
  2297. >"Okay, so, school clearly wasn't very exciting for you. What about after?"
  2298. "After school?"
  2299. >"Mhm. Tell me about your first foray into the world of adulthood."
  2300. "Well, I didn't want to be a burden on my parents, so I started working as soon as I could."
  2301. >"Ooh! And how was work?"
  2302. "Are you asking about the people again?"
  2303. >"Yes."
  2304. "Well… there's still nothing to tell."
  2305. >"No work buddies, workplace drama, or anything like that?"
  2306. "No."
  2307. >"Mr. Anonymous, did you ever come to a point in your life where your situation with people changed?"
  2308. "Uh, yeah. As soon as I could afford it I moved out of my parents' home and rented a little apartment downtown."
  2309. >"So, that's less interaction, right?"
  2310. "I guess so."
  2311. >jot, jot, jot, jot
  2312. >"Now, Mr. Anonymous, most patients would have given me some sort of story by now."
  2313. "A story?"
  2314. >"Yes. You know, a sort of short story about something you did or something that happened to you. Something that you feel was an important event."
  2315. "Uh… I guess I don't really have anything like that."
  2316. >"No… defining moments? No life-changing realizations or happenings or anything of the sort?"
  2317. "No."
  2318. >"Well, what about since coming to Equestria? I know last night at least must have been fairly eventful. Why don't you tell me about that?"
  2319. >spindly fingers from your chest muscles wrap themselves around your lungs
  2320. "Uh… I-I-I-I'm n-not ready to discuss that."
  2321. >"What about anything else from your relationship with Princess Twilight? Or her friends?"
  2322. "I-I dunno. I think I need some more time to think about that."
  2323. >Dr. Lectra's pen scrapes at the paper upon her clipboard for a few moments more
  2324. >"Okay, Mr. Anonymous. That will be all for today."
  2325. "Th-that's it?"
  2326. >"Yes, I'm afraid you haven't given me very much to work with. I'm not willing to simply write you off as a boring person just yet, so for now I just don't feel like I've got a very good look at your personality yet."
  2327. "Oh."
  2328. >"Now, you didn't do anything wrong; it was fine for a first session. Besides, I'm still behind schedule. You're free to go."
  2329. >and so, you push yourself up
  2330. >and you walk out the door
  2331.  
  2332. Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Bingo
  2333.  
  2334. >dinner
  2335. >much like breakfast, you feel that "shit" is a more accurate descriptor
  2336. >actually, exactly like breakfast, it's a slimy scoop of unidentifiable plant matter
  2337. >judging by the meals alone, you could believe that the hospital was trying to drive you to try to kill yourself again
  2338. >but the meals were likely an executive decision, made higher than any of the staff who interacted with the patients of the depressives ward
  2339. >it's interesting to see just how many events they have planned for the week which are geared at prompting social interaction
  2340. >but the real beauty of it is that it's all voluntary
  2341. >the beauty in this lies in the fact that you're going to bed right after the meal instead of sitting through tonight's "movie night"
  2342. >you hadn't observed any evidence of the harnessing of electricity in this world up til now, and would have assumed that movies didn't exist here if you had thought about it
  2343. >yet you caught a glimpse of some staffers carrying an old-fashioned film reel projector though the passageway just the same
  2344. >whatever
  2345. >you're tired
  2346. >in the corner of your eye, you spot Amber, balancing a tray full of plant matter of her own in her teeth
  2347. >you approach her
  2348. >you're sort of unsure how to proceed from here
  2349. >so you keep walking
  2350. >and you pass each other right by
  2351. >huh
  2352. >she didn't even acknowledge you
  2353. >oh well
  2354. >the way you got your ass kicked by foals was kind of pathetic
  2355. >not to worry, there's an empty table in sight
  2356. >you place yourself there and begin to eat
  2357. >between spoonfuls of plant matter, you can see Amber Ember glancing this way and that, looking around for an empty table
  2358. >whatever
  2359. >if she wants to sit with you, she can
  2360. >this isn't fucking high school; you're not concerned with social bullshit
  2361. >actually, you weren't all that concerned with it back then either
  2362. >that might not have been entirely by choice
  2363. >for some reason, you decide to pretend not to notice as she draws nearer to your table
  2364. >you definitely stop caring, however, when a gelatinous bullhorn goes off in your ear
  2365. >"HOW'S IT GROOVIN', ROOMIE?"
  2366. >Tumble Hooves squeezes herself into the seat across from yours and proceeds to bury her face into her pile of plant matter
  2367. >it's gone in mere seconds
  2368. >"You gonna eat that?"
  2369. "Uh, n-no. I'm just gonna go to bed now."
  2370. >"Coolio."
  2371. >Tumble Hooves leans over to bury her face in your meal
  2372. >you get up and walk away
  2373. >you notice that Amber Ember is nowhere to be seen
  2374. >whatever
  2375. >you're tired
  2376.  
  2377. >the next few days proceed in a manner you can only describe as "logical"
  2378. >which is to say, just barely at all
  2379. >you basically only left your room for meal times and therapy sessions
  2380. >you tried to make a few exploratory outings, but nothing you're allowed to do in the hospital really interests you
  2381. >besides, you did stumble across Amber Ember in a few of those outings, upon which you felt compelled to play an uncomfortable and autistic game called "pretend she doesn't exist" for some reason
  2382. >maybe it was because she was clearly playing the same game with you
  2383. >regardless, it served as another motivation to stay in your room
  2384. >the problem with this is that Tumble Hooves rarely leaves the room either
  2385. >she spends most of her time sleeping, sending off foghorn snores which ensure that you can't do the same
  2386. >it's on the third day of this that you decide being an autist isn't worth suffering the stench and sounds of obese pony all day
  2387. >so you head out
  2388. >you promptly discover a poster advertising a rousing game of bingo
  2389. >in an amazing turn of luck for you, the game is in just a few minutes
  2390. >perfect
  2391. >you find your way to the room where the game is to be played
  2392. >a smiling nurse hands you a bingo card and a bag of chips
  2393. >it's funny how nobody seems to care that you're a six foot biped who was publicly outed for assaulting a princess
  2394. >nobody except the foals anyway
  2395. >folks are either a lot less observant than you expect them to be, or they just care a lot less than you expect them to
  2396. >didn't Tumble Hooves say you were hated already though?
  2397. >maybe they just don't confront you about it
  2398. >whatever, either way, it's easier this way
  2399. >a small group of patients is already seated and waiting for the game to begin
  2400. >you take the seat closest to the door, in the back
  2401. >your finger presses down onto a chip, shakes it off over the free square, and proceeds to play and fiddle with it
  2402. >the chair next to yours is yanked out with a scraping noise
  2403. >a teenage filly you recognize as Sweet Heart climbs up onto it
  2404. >why?
  2405. >she looks up at you
  2406. >you look down at her
  2407. >she harrumphs and looks away
  2408. >…
  2409. >sure
  2410. >a grumpy-looking bird-cat thing makes its way to the front of the room and spins the bingo cage with a gnarled talon
  2411. >is that a griffon?
  2412. >griffons exist here?
  2413. >and they're people?
  2414. >you wonder what other mythological creatures could be citizens of Equestria, and decide that there might be a reason why nobody questions your appearance
  2415. >the griffon opens its beak to speak in a deep, rough voice and silence the already awkwardly silent room
  2416. >"Awright, awright. Let's get this thing out of the way."
  2417. >he, judging by the voice, sticks his talon into the bingo cage and plucks out a ball
  2418. >"B, 27"
  2419. >a few clicks of chips on cards from around the room signal that a few of the ponies have this square
  2420. >examining your own card, you see that you do not
  2421. >the griffon doesn't waste time in grabbing another ball
  2422. >"G, 19"
  2423. >a single chip taps down somewhere in the room
  2424. >unfortunately, it's not yours
  2425. >"O, 16"
  2426. >"Oh!"
  2427. >Sweet Heart places a chip down
  2428. >she looks at your empty card, and then looks up at you with a winning smile
  2429. >lel, getting competitive over bingo
  2430. >"I, 12"
  2431. >oh shit you have that one
  2432. >you slam that chip down and project your smuggest expression into Sweet Heart's face, which transforms into a pout
  2433. >you're tempted to tell her to suck your dick
  2434. >but you remember that she is in fact an underaged, mentally-ill horse and you don't particularly want that to be taken the wrong way
  2435. >"BINGO!"
  2436. >a sky-blue mare with a scarlet mane waves her hoof around in the front row
  2437. >no way
  2438. >voices from around the bingo room sound off their disbelief
  2439. >"A bingo in only four turns!"
  2440. >"I-Impossible!"
  2441. >"A perfect game!"
  2442. >"She must be the most powerful bingo player in the entire hospital!"
  2443. >"Oh no! I lost!"
  2444. >the owner of this last voice, a pegasus mare with a coat the color of cotton candy and a mane the color of butter, proceeds to unleash body-racking sobs and pound on her table
  2445. >nurses run into the room to administer soothing words
  2446. >the griffon at the front of the room sighs
  2447. >"Okay, everyone. Take ten. We'll have another round as soon as this is all cleared up."
  2448. >Sweet Heart leans back in her chair and looks at the ceiling with a painfully bored expression
  2449. >this is dumb
  2450. >you push out of your seat, leave the room, and find your way back to your quarters
  2451. >you don't leave it again except for your daily therapy session with Dr. Lectra
  2452. >the next day is Sunday, and the doctors all have Sundays off
  2453. >you don't leave your room at all
  2454. >you wake up on Monday when an envelope slaps you in the face
  2455. >Tumble Hooves is standing over you
  2456. >"Anon, you've got mail."
  2457. >having done her roommately duties, she promptly jumps into her bed in a manner that reminds you of an animate bag of pudding
  2458. >you've got mail?
  2459. >it's been exactly one week since that ill-fated expedition to the Crystal Empire began
  2460. >maybe it's Twilight writing to inform you that she's decided to worsen your condition somehow
  2461. >your hand fumbles around until it lands on the envelope that hit you
  2462. >the envelope tears open with some effort, and the letter it contains is carried to your eyes on sweaty fingers
  2463. >"Dear Anonymous,
  2464. >"There's a big apple convention in starting in Canterlot tomorrow. I figured on my way there I'd come and pay you a visit.
  2465. >"Regards,
  2466. >Applejack"
  2467.  
  2468. Part 5: Anon Still Hates Apples
  2469.  
  2470. >well fuck
  2471. >you allow your arm to flop away from your face and hang off the bed
  2472. >your hand allows the letter to flutter down to the floor
  2473. >Applejack?
  2474. >why does she give a shit?
  2475. >and why her in particular?
  2476. >you reckon that if you hurry, you can probably write her a letter telling her to shove her hat up her cunt
  2477. >no, mail's not instant; it probably wouldn't get there until tomorrow, which would be too late
  2478. >wait
  2479. >mail's not instant
  2480. >this had to have been sent yesterday
  2481. >and tomorrow from the point of view of yesterday is today
  2482. >the wording on that letter is straightforward, to-the-point, and simple
  2483. >you're pretty sure you're interpreting this correctly
  2484. >you're having a visitor today!
  2485. >well fuck
  2486. >but what fucking time?
  2487. >fuck
  2488. >you get out of your room to stalk the halls
  2489. >eyes downcast, hands clasped behind your back, you prowl about in search of nothing
  2490. >occasionally your head and eyes flick to your peripherals, noting your location every few seconds
  2491. >wait a second
  2492. >you take a few steps backward and examine a piece of paper taped to a door
  2493. >"Patient Kitchen - Feel free to use what you like, just CLEAN UP after you're done."
  2494. >huh
  2495. >you've never noticed this before
  2496. >the door creaks open at your touch
  2497. >it's a kitchen all right
  2498. >there's a fridge, an open pantry full of dry goods, an oven, sinks, counters, and hooks carrying various cooking tools
  2499. >on the other side of the kitchen there's a big open window set over a long countertop and facing into a passageway, probably for serving a line
  2500. >hmmm
  2501. >i-it's not that you particularly care about Applejack or anything
  2502. >but somehow, an idea pops into your head just the same
  2503. >you move about the kitchen just to see if they have what you have in mind
  2504. >hmmm
  2505. >flour
  2506. >sugar
  2507. >apples
  2508. >uh
  2509. >eggs?
  2510. >it's all there
  2511. >this could probably work
  2512. >you find a bowl and a spoon and set them down on the counter
  2513. >how much flour sounds reasonable for pie crust?
  2514. >three cups?
  2515. >into the bowl it goes
  2516. >now for the sugar…
  2517. >probably… one cup?
  2518. >you mix it in with the flour
  2519. >now the question you have is
  2520. >will one egg be enough?
  2521. >there's one way to find out
  2522. >you crack an egg open and hold it over the bowl
  2523. >as you watch its contents ooze down, someone addresses you from the window
  2524. >"Uh, hey, Anon."
  2525. >you look over and behold Amber Ember, resting her upper body on the counter to get a better view
  2526. "Oh, uh, hello."
  2527. >she cranes her neck a bit
  2528. >"Wat'cha doing?"
  2529. "I'm just, uh, baking a pie here."
  2530. >her ear twitches
  2531. >"You're… making a pie?"
  2532. "Uh-huh."
  2533. >"With… eggs?"
  2534. "What?"
  2535. >"Anon, you don't make pie crust with eggs. Or, I never would. Hang on, did you stir that thing in yet? Don't move!"
  2536. >the sound of galloping hooves moves away from the window
  2537. >and finds its way around to the door
  2538. >Amber flings it open and strides in
  2539. >"Okay. Let's see about that egg."
  2540.  
  2541. >Amber wastes no time in getting her upper body on top of the counter with a measuring cup clenched between her teeth
  2542. >she dips the cup into the bowl and resurfaces with the remains of an egg in tow
  2543. >"There. Some of it soaked into the flour, but it should be fine."
  2544. "Uh."
  2545. >she sniffs the air above the mixing bowl
  2546. >"Oh, so you've already got the sugar in too. It smells kind of… bland, how much did you use?"
  2547. "A… cup?"
  2548. >"And how much flour?"
  2549. >"Three cups."
  2550. >"Whoah! That is way too much flour. Let's just start over on this."
  2551. >she promptly takes the mixing bowl to the trash and pours its contents in
  2552. >what the hell
  2553. >this horse ignores you all week
  2554. >and now all of the sudden she has the right to shit on your pie crust?
  2555. >she grabs the bag of flour, and pours a little in the bowl
  2556. >"So what kind of pie are we baking, Anon?"
  2557. "It's, uh, apple."
  2558. >"Oh great! Are there apples?"
  2559. "Uh huh."
  2560. >"Perfect! You make the filling, and it's probably better if I handle the crust."
  2561. >Amber promptly sets about acquiring various components and tools
  2562. >she buries her head into a low cabinet
  2563. >and in the process of doing so sticks her ass way up in the air
  2564. >what the hell is that picture on it?
  2565. >it's like brown… chunks?
  2566. >is it shit?
  2567. >you lean in to get a better look
  2568. >the social implications of your actions don't occur to you until Amber clambers out of the cabinet and sees what you're doing
  2569. >she spits out a pie tin onto the floor, jumps back, and flits her saucer-sized eyes around before finally setting her pinprick-sized pupils upon you
  2570. >"Anon! Wh-wh-what are you doing?!"
  2571. >you're still in your bent-over butt-staring position as you try to explain your intentions
  2572. "I was- I was- I-I-I was just looking at-at-at-at your-your butt, your butt, your-your-your-your butt… your butt picture!"
  2573. >the mare before you turns dark red as she tries to make sense of your half-comprehensible explanation
  2574. >"M-my butt?!"
  2575. "Y-your butt picture!"
  2576. >she pauses before relaxing a bit, and looking back at her own butt
  2577. >"My… my cutie mark?"
  2578. "Yeah!"
  2579. >Amber gradually stands up straight, which prompts you to do the same
  2580. >finally, she gives a sincere smile
  2581. >"It's… caramels. I make sweets for a living. Sorry, I maybe should have explained that before barging in on your baking. I do this sort of thing for a living."
  2582. "Oh."
  2583. >her smile turns snarky
  2584. >"Now. Are you just about ready to make that filling?"
  2585. "Uh, n-no, I'm not really sure how."
  2586. >Amber frowns
  2587. >"You went to bake an apple pie without knowing how?"
  2588. "I-it was sort of a… a spur of the moment thing."
  2589. >"Right. Get about eight apples. Peel, core, and slice them into itty bitty pieces. Then mix it with, say, a teaspoon of cinnamon, a teaspoon of brown sugar, and a quarter cup of water. Then stir it up in a saucepan. Don't heat it too long, mind you, it'll heat up enough in the oven."
  2590. "You want fries with that?"
  2591. >she struts past you and flicks you with her tail as she does so
  2592. >"Don't sass me."
  2593.  
  2594. >peeling, coring, and slicing apples into itty bitty pieces is a bit of a long process
  2595. >fortunately, Amber doesn't have you beaten with the crust yet
  2596. >she had the dough mixed and the tin lined with it a good number of minutes ago
  2597. >but she's doing the basket-weave thing with the top crust, which is an even longer process for a pony who has to use hooves
  2598. >at last, you pour your expertly sliced apples into the saucepan
  2599. >on top of them you sprinkle the other ingredients
  2600. >you turn on the stove and begin to stir
  2601. >it's funny how magical horse land is selectively primitive
  2602. >like, lighting is all done through candles and music is still played on mechanical record players, but for some reason they've got modern stovetops and refrigerators
  2603. >you should have learned something about electrical engineering back home
  2604. >it would have come in handy here
  2605. >the scent of apples permeates the air and creeps into your senses
  2606. >bellissimo
  2607. >a fuzzy pony head nudges you in the side
  2608. >"Anon, that smells great! Is the water mostly gone?"
  2609. "Yeah."
  2610. >"It's done. Go ahead and pour it in the crust."
  2611. >carrying the pan over to the counter, you see a complete, baket-weaved crust sitting next to the tin
  2612. >damnit, it looks like she did beat you
  2613. >as you pour your apples in her crust, Amber attempts to lift up the crust top with her hooves
  2614. >"Anon, can you get this crust on there? You've got those, uh… claw things."
  2615. "Fingers?"
  2616. >"Yeah."
  2617. >in short time, the pie is covered, and you're crimping the top down over the bottom crust with Amber
  2618. >"Okay, the oven's pre-heated. Just pop it in, Anon."
  2619. >Amber digs out a small-ish hourglass and flips it upside down
  2620. >there's that selective technology shit again
  2621. >"Okay. 15 minutes."
  2622. >you stand together, watching the sand fall through the glass
  2623. >maybe about five minutes pass in silence
  2624. >"So, what were you baking a pie for?"
  2625. >the pie?
  2626. >oh
  2627. "A, uh, friend is visiting me today."
  2628. >Amber averts her gaze a bit
  2629. >"A friend?"
  2630. "Or, uh, one of Princess Twilight's friends anyway."
  2631. >"Oh. Which one?"
  2632. "Her name is Applejack."
  2633. >"Element of Honesty?"
  2634. "What?"
  2635. >"You know, from the Elements of Harmony."
  2636. "The what?"
  2637. >"The magical thingies that Princess Twilight and her friends used to save Equestria."
  2638. "To do what?!"
  2639. >"Anon, do you seriously not know that Princess Twilight and her friends have saved Equestria, like, seven times over the past five years?"
  2640. "W-well I'm new in this world."
  2641. >she laughs out loud
  2642. >"You were living with her!"
  2643. "Y-yeah, well…"
  2644. >the amber-coated mare giggles and smiles
  2645. >"It's fine."
  2646. >you sigh
  2647. >"So, uh, if Applejack is coming to visit you, that's gotta be a good sign, right? Maybe they'll let you out soon. Any word on that?"
  2648. "Man, I doubt I'm getting out of here soon."
  2649. >"Oh, well…"
  2650. >you see she's giving you that expectant look again
  2651. >oh
  2652. "Do you know when you're getting out of here?"
  2653. >she smiles, the looks away, then she looks back up at you and frowns a little before smiling again
  2654. >"Today!"
  2655.  
  2656. "Today?"
  2657. >"Uh huh! I'm just waiting on the office to finish up some paperwork, and then I can pick it up and go."
  2658. "Oh."
  2659. >"Yeah. I… I saw you in here, and I-I know you're mad at me for what happened with the foals, but…"
  2660. "Mad at you?"
  2661. >"W-well, you weren't talking to me, so I figured…"
  2662. "No, it's just… I thought you thought I was pathetic. The way I got beat up by those foals and all."
  2663. >"What? No, I…"
  2664. >the pause that ensues more pregnant than a Mexican rabbit on welfare
  2665. >Amber cuts it open it with a slight smile
  2666. >"Well that's dumb."
  2667. "What is?"
  2668. >"We've been avoiding each other and being alone all week long for no good reason. We could have been friends the whole time!"
  2669. "Uh, yeah, I guess so."
  2670. >Amber glances at the hourglass
  2671. >"Just about there."
  2672. "So, where are you going?"
  2673. >"Oh, I don't know. I might have to stay in the city for a little while, but really, I wanna get out of Canterlot as soon as possible. There's no one in this town who gives a darn about me; I just wanna start over somewhere else."
  2674. "All right."
  2675. >"What about you? Are you going back to Ponyville after you get out?"
  2676. >somehow you knew she would reply with that
  2677. >but you haven't thought that far ahead at all
  2678. "Man, I have no idea. I dunno, maybe if this meeting with Applejack goes well. Otherwise… I don't know if I'd be welcome there."
  2679. >a crackling sound accompanied by an echoing voice interrupts the conversation
  2680. >"Amber Ember, administrative office. Amber Ember, administrative office."
  2681. >Amber gasps a little
  2682. >"Well, those are my papers. I guess I've got to… go now. G-good luck with Applejack!"
  2683. "Y-you too."
  2684. >she turns around and begins walking toward the door
  2685. >before she gets there, she looks back a little and addresses you
  2686. >"I'd really like to meet you again, Anonymous."
  2687. "Yeah, me too."
  2688. >she pushes the kitchen door open and begins walking out
  2689. "Uh, hey Amber?"
  2690. >"Uh huh?"
  2691. "Why did you, uh, why did you try to help me the other day anyway?
  2692. >she pulls her head back in and gives you what may actually be the warmest smile you've ever seen in your life
  2693. >it's not saying much, but it's probably still warmer than what most people in general get
  2694. >"Because you sat next to me."
  2695. >her tail disappears beyond the door, which clicks shut behind her
  2696. >the last grain of sand falls to the bottom of the hourglass
  2697. >the crackling voice resonates through the hospital once more
  2698. >"Anonymous Faggot, visitors' center. Anonymous Faggot, visitors' center."
  2699.  
  2700. Part 6: Mr. Nonermous, We Need to Talk
  2701.  
  2702. >your hand gets scalded a bit as you attempt to move the hot pie from two hands to one hand
  2703. "Shit."
  2704. >you hold still for a moment until you're sure that the pie is balanced securely on the hotpad on your hand
  2705. >it's too bad fucking oven mitts don't exist
  2706. >these hotpads are probably designed to go in horse mouths
  2707. >satisfied that you're not going to drop the pie, you use your free hand to open the door to the room marked "visitors' center"
  2708. >Applejack is looking out a window
  2709. >and the window is looking down at her, casting a ray of sunlight upon the orange mare and making her golden mane glow bright white
  2710. "Uh."
  2711. >Applejack turns her head to look at you
  2712. >"Oh, hey there, Anonermous."
  2713. >she sniifs the air, looks up to the pie in your hand, and trots over to you with a predatory smile
  2714. >"Is that what I think it is?"
  2715. "Oh, uh, the… pie? Probably."
  2716. >"Fer me?"
  2717. "Yeah."
  2718. >"Well. lemme see it!"
  2719. >you lower your arm and present the pie at pony eye-level
  2720. >Applejack greedily inhales the steamy aroma floating off of the pastry
  2721. >"Well don't that just beat all? Did you make that yerself?"
  2722. "No, I, uh, had some help."
  2723. >that phrase gets her to look you straight in the eye
  2724. >"What? Like, from a friend?"
  2725. "Uh, I guess."
  2726. >"Well, ain't that something? Twilight'll be mighty pleased to hear about that!"
  2727. >Twilight?
  2728. "You really think she'd care?"
  2729. >Applejack's lower eyelid raises as she cocks her head
  2730. >"She… would. Eh… you know what, Anon? Just go set yerself down at that table over there. I don't wanna talk about stuff like that til I've had a slice of that pie."
  2731. >oh
  2732. "Uh, sure. I didn't bring any plates though."
  2733. >"Aw, that's fine. I found some while I was waitin' for ya."
  2734. "Oh."
  2735. >you make your way over to the table and have a seat
  2736. "Were you waiting a while?"
  2737. >"Nah. There ain't no wait too long for fresh apple pie."
  2738. >Applejack clenches the edges of two paper plates with plastic forks balanced on them between her teeth and takes her seat opposite you
  2739. "Uh, do we need a knife?"
  2740. >Applejack somehow gives you an "I-apple-on-a-level-much-higher-than-that,-mortal" kind of look
  2741. >"Nah."
  2742. >with that, she flings the pie into the air by her hoof
  2743. >she does a perfect backflip straight over her seat, and in the process deals the pie tin a precise kick with her back hoof
  2744. >in an instant, Applejack is back in her seat, and the apple pie sits on the table divided neatly into eight perfect slices
  2745. >impressive
  2746. >"Come on now, let's get some pie in us, and then we'll get talkin'."
  2747.  
  2748. >Applejack wipes a few crumbs off of her face with her hoof
  2749. >"That's good pie. Thanks for makin' it, Anon."
  2750. "Thanks."
  2751. >her foreleg extends over the table and swipes the pie off to the side
  2752. >"All right now, Mr. Nonermous. We need to talk."
  2753. >since you don't verbally respond, Applejack scans your face for comprehension before continuing
  2754. >"First thing's first, Anon. I don't think what ya did was okay. No, sir. I don't like violence and I don't like it when it's applicated to my friends. Am I right?"
  2755. "Y-yeah. You're right."
  2756. >"Good. 'Cause I didn't come here to lecture ya or yell atcha or anythin' like that. Twilight Sparkle is one of my closest friends, and I love her like my own sister, but I reckon there's more to the story than what she told me. That's just the way this sorta thing works."
  2757. "So…"
  2758. >"So, get talkin'."
  2759. "Well, uh, about…"
  2760. >"Yep, about that night."
  2761. "Uh, well, I, I went to bed early. I got into an, uh, sort of an argument, I guess, with Twilight, so-"
  2762. >"What was the argument about?"
  2763. "Well, I-I told her that Sombra couldn't be fixed. I said I couldn't be fixed either. She didn't like it and I think she… ran off to the library."
  2764. >"But that weren't the fight?"
  2765. "No."
  2766. >"So you woke up later."
  2767. >your hand gingerly strokes at your face
  2768. "Yeah. To a face-full of boiling water."
  2769. >"What?!"
  2770. "Yeah. Sombra."
  2771. >"Twilight didn't mention… Did she know?"
  2772. "I don't know. She never asked."
  2773. >"Well did ya tell her?"
  2774. "I-I tried, I think. I don't know, she was mad, she wasn't listening. I guess she should have been able to figure out by looking at my face."
  2775. >she scratches her head
  2776. >"I just don't get it. What could she have been so mad about?"
  2777. "I don't know. Everything. You said she told you about it; I'm sure she gave you the laundry list."
  2778. >Applejack sighs
  2779. >"Eh, you could say that. So she ran in all yellin' and angry and unreasonable, right?"
  2780. "Uh, I guess she wasn't so angry til she got knocked down on accident."
  2781. >"You hit her on accident?"
  2782. "No, I mean, the first time. I was getting Sombra off of me, and he sort of fell onto Twilight."
  2783. >"So that's when she breaks out the angry princess routine?"
  2784. "Yeah."
  2785. >"And she was yellin' at you for everything you'd done that vexed her?"
  2786. "Yeah."
  2787. >"And you said somethin' back to her."
  2788. "I… I guess so."
  2789. >Applejack leans in as close to you as she can, her emerald eyes locked onto you like missiles
  2790. >"Anonymous. What did you say?"
  2791. >what did you say?
  2792. >you open your palm and look at it
  2793. "I said… I said she was full of shit. I said she didn't give a shit. I said friendship was bullshit."
  2794. >Applejack's eyes grow, just a little
  2795. >"And how'd she like that?"
  2796. "She caught on fire. Actually caught on fire."
  2797. >Applejack winces
  2798. >"I've seen that. But I know that's not all she did."
  2799. >it wasn't quite a week ago
  2800. >it's not difficult to remember
  2801. >the exact words, the exact sound, the look on her face
  2802. "She said I'd rather kill myself."
  2803. >Applejack widens the uncomfortably short gap between herself and you
  2804. >"And then…"
  2805. "Yeah."
  2806. >the room is silent
  2807. >"Anon. I don't think you're a bad person. But I do think you're dangerous."
  2808. "D-dangerous?"
  2809. >"That's right. Anon, friendship is basically the definin' trait of Twilight Sparkle. It's what she is. It's her job, it's her greatest power, and it's been the focus of her life since she came to Ponyville. And I've seen it with my own eyes; friendship's a real powerful thing. I've seen a simple friendly gesture turn ponies who were downright nasty into folks who're quite amicable. It's been right helpful to Twilight and me and our friends over the years."
  2810. >Applejack scratches at her head
  2811. >"And I don't really understand it, but it's also the source of some real powerful magic stuff. That's probably the important part. Sometimes, we get a real nasty fella tryin' to make Equestria not such a nice place. Ya know, tryin' to kidnap the Princess or take over the world or steal all our magic. Stuff like that. Somehow, the friendship that Twilight has with the rest of us girls is always able to come through and zap bad guys like that 'til they're no harm no more. And sometimes we're able to show 'em the error in their ways and turn 'em into nice folks after that, which is nice."
  2812. >she frowns
  2813. >"And then you come along. A creature that acts like it's impervious to friendship and sets about disprovin' all of Twilight's friendship theories. Can ya see how that might be a bad thing?"
  2814. "And how is that my fault? If I prove Twilight's 'friendship theories' wrong, then maybe they're just wrong."
  2815. >"Anonymous, I might not be real sciencey, but it seems to me that ya coulda chosen to prove her right."
  2816. "It's not that easy."
  2817. >"Twilight's still up in the Crystal Empire, tryin' to get through to Sombra. She's not doin' so great. The letter she sent back to Ponyville was all covered in little stains from teardrops."
  2818. >is it getting hot in here?
  2819. "And… and what does that have to do with me?"
  2820. >"Anon, the most hurtful thing you did to Twilight wasn't the slap. It was what ya said about friendship bein' baloney. She sees you as a failure on her part now. She couldn't get through to you. Maybe because friendship just ain't for ya. And if friendship ain't for you, maybe it ain't for Sombra either. She doesn't have no confidence in herself since that night. She doesn't have no confidence in friendship since that night! And if the Princess of Friendship don't have confidence in friendship, well…"
  2821. "What?"
  2822. >"Things could get bad."
  2823. >Applejack pushes out of her seat and stretches on her hooves
  2824. >"Well, I got business to take care of at the apple convention. I'll mention some of what ya told me to Twilight next I see her, particularly about the hot water and the friend ya made. I don't know if that'll endear ya to her, but I hope it'll put her in a better way, which is all I wanted outta this visit in the first place."
  2825. >ah
  2826. >so it was all for Twilight's benefit
  2827. >you suppose that shouldn't be surprising, considering that Applejack is Twilight's friend and not yours
  2828. >Applejack makes her way to the door
  2829. >"Anon, I don't think you're a bad person."
  2830. >and she nudges it open with her head
  2831. >"I just don't know if you think that."
  2832. "What?"
  2833. >she leaves through the visitors' door without answering
  2834. >fucking apple horse
  2835.  
  2836. ACT IV: The Final Act
  2837. Part 1: Cloudy With a Chance of Evil
  2838.  
  2839. >waking up alerts you to your severe need to shit
  2840. >it's like you ate an entire pie last night
  2841. >probably because the fucking apple horse didn't take your pie with her when she left
  2842. >which means that you did eat an entire pie last night
  2843. >the cardboard-thin door swings open easily as you make your way into the passageway to find the bathroom
  2844. >you're on the toilet drowning your niggers when some commotion down the hall reaches your ears
  2845. >you wrap up your business and wash your hands in short order so you can open the door to see what's going on
  2846. >seeing nothing immediately, you turn to look at your room
  2847. >and, just like that, you know what's going on
  2848. >sort of
  2849. >in and around your room is mulling about a gaggle of armored stallions
  2850. >guards?
  2851. >except the armor isn't like what the guards who brought you in here were wearing
  2852. >it's more…
  2853. >evil?
  2854. >the armor is black, with unnecessary spikes jutting out of the shoulders and back
  2855. >the helmet obscures the entire face, complete with a massive, messy black plume on the top and eye slits that glow green for some reason
  2856. >but why are they in your room?
  2857. >"WHERE IS THE HUMAN?"
  2858. >oh
  2859. >you sink your head back into the bathroom and hold the door open just a crack to see what's going on
  2860. >"Is that its room mate?"
  2861. >"What is it?"
  2862. >"A whale?"
  2863. >"I think it's a unicorn… mare?"
  2864. >"Wake it up!"
  2865. >only fucking Tumble Hooves could sleep through getting SWATted
  2866. >focus, Anon
  2867. >right
  2868. >so you'll just escape through the window in the bathroom
  2869. >you let the door shut and turn around
  2870. >there is no window in the bathroom
  2871. >fuck
  2872. >okay
  2873. >it's only a matter of time before someone else uses the bathroom and notices the wanted, six foot tall, hairless biped in here
  2874. >what the fuck are you even wanted for?
  2875. >is Twilight having you executed for slapping her?
  2876. >do princesses work like that here?
  2877. >you have to get out
  2878. >and you have to go out the bathroom door
  2879. >okay
  2880. >fuck
  2881. >you carefully open the door and sidestep out
  2882. >so far, no cries of "there he is"
  2883. >good
  2884. >all you have to do is creep down the hall now
  2885. >take really light steps so they don't hear you and look at you
  2886. >keep a really low profile so they think you're a quadruped if they do look at you
  2887. >sounds like a plan
  2888. >"THERE HE IS!"
  2889. >fuck
  2890. >you abandon your dreams of a metal gear escape and bolt straight forward, away from the evil-ized guards
  2891. >chase sequence music plays in your head as you round a corner and look about frantically
  2892. >you need to find a window or stairs or something
  2893. >there!
  2894. >the bingo room is open!
  2895. >there are tables you can hide under!
  2896. >nothing for it but to dash in and pray they don't round that corner before you're in
  2897. >you go for it
  2898. >"There! He went in that room!"
  2899. >fucking shitniggering cuntmonger fishfuck assnigger
  2900. >before you can even decide if it's worth hiding under a table, green-glowing eyeslits are staring at you from the doorway
  2901. >this is the end
  2902. >you wonder if Twilight will give you a last meal before magic-chopping your neck or whatever
  2903. >you wonder if you'll be able to request a steak
  2904. >now hang on a second there, you negative fucking nancy
  2905. >you know what else is in the bingo room?
  2906. >turning your head and glancing behind you answers that question
  2907. >windows!
  2908. >a guard whips out an evil-looking dark grey paper with big black writing on it
  2909. >you think you see his eyeslits narrow as he leans in closer to the paper in his hoof
  2910. >"A-Anony… Anonee.. Anonuh… Anono… human! You are under arrest as an enemy of the empire, by order of-"
  2911. >your mighty screech cuts him off as you make straight for a window
  2912. >for a split second as you're falling from two stories up with a glass shard in your shoulder, you consider that you may have made an unwise decision
  2913. >branches, leaves, stopping
  2914. >cracking, snapping, falling again
  2915. >you land hard on your back, facing up at the tree you were lucky enough to be jumping into
  2916. >hey, something had to go right today, it's only fair
  2917. >you've got a brief couple of minutes to recover while the guards make it down to the ground level and get outside
  2918. >in the meanwhile, you see that something is rotten in the state of Equestria
  2919. >for one thing, the sky is full of something that reminds you of Hollywood searchlights
  2920. >only instead of beams of light, it's like beams of dark are waving around in the air
  2921. >searchdarks
  2922. >and…
  2923. >hang on
  2924. >there is no way that black crystal statue of Sombra was always there
  2925. >oh
  2926. >oh holy fuck
  2927. >you get the feeling that your arrest wasn't under Twilight's authority
  2928. >somehow you feel that very little that was done today was done under Twilight's authority
  2929. >because this
  2930. >is the reign of the autism king
  2931.  
  2932. >"Halt! In the name of the king!"
  2933. >with that, your brief moment of respite is over
  2934. >an evil-ized guard is lunges at you without even bothering to see if you're going to comply
  2935. >your mad scramble to get out of his way results in his hoof leaving a crater in the tree you were under
  2936. >now that's not fucking normal
  2937. >sometimes you've fantasized about moments like this, imagining that you might give some sort of snarky one-liner before courageously facing your attackers
  2938. >this, however, is not a fantasy
  2939. >you shriek and frantically flee
  2940. >it is, of course, folly to believe you can outrun a gang of horses, let alone super-strong ones who can punch trees into splinters
  2941. >you see this as the guards run up in front and alongside of you, encircling you like sheepdogs would do for a runaway sheep
  2942. >oh hell
  2943. >you stop as hard as you can
  2944. >the guards advance a few yards before reacting, giving you an opportunity to change direction
  2945. >your mind hastily chooses a direction, hoping that this way takes you to the city proper so you can hide in an alley or something
  2946. >a few seconds later, however, you become aware of the fact that Canterlot is built on a mountain
  2947. >and you're barreling straight toward the edge of it
  2948. >the guards form a solid wall behind you, not allowing you the chance to change direction again
  2949. >there's just no fucking option here
  2950. >you have to slow down and stop before you fall off of that cliff face
  2951. >an anxious guard takes the opportunity to tackle you
  2952. >but he hits too hard
  2953. >your back cracks in the worst way as your body goes sailing right over the edge of the mountain
  2954. >looks like you're in for your second "lucky" break of the day
  2955. >you smash right into a tree trunk and freefall into some thick brush not too far below the edge of the city
  2956. >breathing is difficult, and movement is impossible
  2957. >there are voices above you
  2958. >"Where'd he go?"
  2959. >"Must've fallen."
  2960. >"What? Off of the mountain?"
  2961. >"Do you see another place to fall?"
  2962. >"Nice going, idiot."
  2963. >"It's not my fault, man! I can't get used to this whole dark magic thing; I've never been this strong before!"
  2964. >"Ugh. Well we can't just assume that he's dead til we find a body. We're gonna have to report this and get a search going."
  2965. >"Nice going, idiot."
  2966. >"It's not my fault, man!"
  2967. >"It's entirely your fault!"
  2968. >the sound of bickering disappears into the distance
  2969. >your body decides that there's no significant damage, and your spasming muscles release their tight grip on your lungs and appendages
  2970. >you take the opportunity to curl up into a fetal position
  2971. >what the fuck is going on?
  2972.  
  2973. Part 2: Anonymous Goes Incognito
  2974.  
  2975. >okay
  2976. >you have to get out of here before those guards in evil armor show up with a search party
  2977. >there is no way you're getting all the way down this mountain before they get here
  2978. >even if you could, Ponyville is still at least a day's walk from there, plus the issue of not being seen from the mountain
  2979. >not to mention that as the seat of a princess it's probably warranted a lot of evil guards of its own
  2980. >but the princess in question isn't there
  2981. >as of yesterday, according to Applejack, she was still in the Crystal Empire
  2982. >Applejack is probably still in Canterlot
  2983. >is she safe?
  2984. >if what she said about magic friendship beams or whatever is true, then she might be imprisoned right now
  2985. >hell, she might be imprisoned just for being Twilight's friend
  2986. >and the other four who are still in Ponyville might be in trouble too
  2987. >what about Amber?
  2988. >would she still be in Canterlot right now?
  2989. >could Sombra have found out she was talking to you?
  2990. >would she be okay?
  2991. >one thing you know about Sombra is that he fucking hates you, and judging by the events of today he probably hates Twilight and the pink princess too
  2992. >the other thing you know about Sombra is that he has some powerful autism
  2993. >it's difficult to put very much past him at this point
  2994. >it seems your only option for right now is to get back into Canterlot
  2995. >you'll have a rough fucking time blending in though, now won't you?
  2996. >maybe you can find some place to hide
  2997. >you crawl out of the bushes and hoist yourself up the short ledge to the city
  2998. >and you quickly realize that you may have some unrealistic expectations
  2999. >no sooner are you up than a stallion takes you in a bear hug and starts shouting
  3000. >"Guards! Guards! I've got the human! I've got-"
  3001. "Shut up!"
  3002. >you break out of the embrace quite easily
  3003. >"Ow!"
  3004. >too easily
  3005. >it's like he was barely gripping you
  3006. >"Oh no you don't!"
  3007. >experimentally, you kick the stallion in the face as he charges at you
  3008. >his limp body goes flying off into a garbage can, from which it proceed to emit low groaning noises
  3009. >huh
  3010. >the evil-ized guards all seemed to have super strength
  3011. >something something "dark magic"
  3012. >maybe you have it too?
  3013. >it was less than two weeks ago that Rainbow Dash took you to the gym
  3014. >you were definitely a lot weaker than the average pony back then
  3015. >and that stallion you just falcon kicked was noticeably bigger than average
  3016. >oh shit
  3017. >Anon, you have super powers!
  3018.  
  3019. >by now a crowd has formed to look at the alien who's stomping on the marble pavement to see what happens
  3020. >nothing happens
  3021. >it's not even louder than normal
  3022. >"Halt, creature!"
  3023. >the evil guards have gathered too
  3024. >they're currently charging at you, the streets cracking under their hooves
  3025. >yeah, whatever they've got, you don't
  3026. >fortunately, you have time enough to put a little bit of thought into where you want to run
  3027. >you opt for the nearest storefront
  3028. >flinging open the door, you dash inside and duck behind the cashier's counter
  3029. >the cashier mare gasps and yelps
  3030. "Don't say a word or I eat you."
  3031. >"E-eat me?!"
  3032. >it's good to be a giant monster
  3033. >the glass door shatters as guards pour in
  3034. >"Where did it go?"
  3035. >"Wh-where did what go?"
  3036. >"The creature!"
  3037. >"Oh, that. It, um, ran out the back way, over there!"
  3038. >crashing, clattering, breaking sounds ensue, followed by a slamming door
  3039. >you peek up over the counter before standing all the way up
  3040. >the cashier mare's face is scrunched in displeasure at her ruined store
  3041. >"They didn't even look where they were going! They just ran straight through everything! Can you believe it?"
  3042. >she looks up at you with her face still all a-scrunch
  3043. >"Did you notice anything funny about the guards today?"
  3044. "The evil armor? The super strength?"
  3045. >"No, no, no, besides that. They're all colorful now. Yesterday they were all white or gray, and now they're all colored ponies!"
  3046. "Uh, yeah, I guess they did look kind of pastel today."
  3047. >"Hmmm. And they ruined everything."
  3048. "Hey, uh, miss, I hope you don't me noticing, but I got an up-close view of your, uh, cutie mark down there, and I noticed it was solid black. Is that normal?"
  3049. >"It's been that way since this morning. Everyone's has. It used to be a sheet, for my linens shop. I think it's making me sick, I've been feeling weak all day!"
  3050. "Has everyone?"
  3051. >"Yeah."
  3052. "Huh. I've felt pretty much normal."
  3053. >so you probably don't have super strength
  3054. >"Hey, mister, were you really going to eat me?"
  3055. "Uh, no?"
  3056. >"Aren't you the thing that hit Princess Twilight?"
  3057. "Yeah."
  3058. >"You know, I don't really like that. But I wake up this morning and I see that all of the sudden there's this evil king in the Crystal Empire and he wants to catch you and I don't know what to think."
  3059. "Uh."
  3060. >"I don't like this King Sombra guy. I read about him in the news a couple of years ago, and now today he's in charge and I don't even know where the Princess is."
  3061. "I think Princess Twilight is in the Crystal Empire."
  3062. >"I mean Princess Celestia."
  3063. >Celestia?
  3064. >you think you've heard Twilight refer to her like a superior once
  3065. >she's probably like the main ruler or something
  3066. >"What are you gonna do?"
  3067. "Huh?"
  3068. >"You were Princess Twilight's friend, right? Are you gonna go to the Crystal Empire and rescue her? She always knows how to save the day!"
  3069. "Uh, I guess so."
  3070. >now that's a heroic phrase to accept an adventure with
  3071. >the cashier mare walks over to the glass storefront and pulls down some blinds over it
  3072. >"I can help with that. I could help you make a disguise to get on the train there, and bits for a ticket!"
  3073. "Uh, sure, thanks."
  3074. >"Eee! I'm gonna help save Equestria! Make sure you tell Princess Twilight my name when you see her; I'm Stocky Home."
  3075.  
  3076. >Stocky returns with a bundle of sheets and plops it down before you
  3077. >"Okay mister, if you wanna look like a pony, the first thing you're gonna have to do is stand normal."
  3078. "But I am standing normally."
  3079. >"No, no, I mean, like me. See?"
  3080. "On all fours?"
  3081. >"Sure."
  3082. >you get down on your hands and knees
  3083. >"Hmmm, you can't stand on your hoov- whatevers in the back there?"
  3084. >you stick your butt up in the air to demonstrate
  3085. >"Oh. Okay. Can you do a girl's voice?"
  3086. "Why?"
  3087. >"I'm thinking we're gonna have to make this look like a dress to cover up your hind legs."
  3088. "Uh, all right, lemme try… Tee hee, gee golly I sure do love tea parties and-"
  3089. >"No."
  3090. "Uh, okay, what if I… SOUND LIKE BIG RUSSIAN BABUSHKA?"
  3091. >"Like what?"
  3092. "Never mind. Does it work?"
  3093. >"I guess so."
  3094. >she drapes a long, pink sheet over your torso and legs
  3095. >"Okay, try not to back up too much in this."
  3096. >she pulls up another sheet around your arms and shoulders, obscuring your human form completely
  3097. >her hooves and teeth proceed to fiddle with a needle and thread
  3098. >"Ow! Ugh, why can't I sew today?"
  3099. "Probably because you're using those big hooves. Let me try, I've got fingers."
  3100. >"No! I could do this yesterday!"
  3101. "Maybe it's the cutie mark thing. Let me try."
  3102. >your nimble fingers make quick work of threading the needle, tying it off, and pulling the sheet back up around you
  3103. >"Okay, let me just…"
  3104. "Ow!"
  3105. >"Sorry, just a little bit…"
  3106. "Shit!"
  3107. >"Yeah, sorry, okay, and, then… there. Wow. That is really shoddy. Try not to make any sudden movements in it, okay?"
  3108. "… Right."
  3109. >"And now for the face."
  3110. >Stocky finds a pillowcase in the pile of linens and starts tearing at it with her teeth
  3111. "What are you-"
  3112. >she wraps part of it around your lower face
  3113. >there's something wet touching your lips
  3114. >gross, pony slobber
  3115. >another portion is wrapped around your forehead, and another is draped over it all and tied off like a headscarf
  3116. >"Perfect, and now for the finishing touch:"
  3117. >a pair of sunglasses finds its way into the mask over your eyes
  3118. >Stocky retrieves a hand mirror - hoof mirror? - from under the cashier counter and shows it to you
  3119. >"What do you think?"
  3120. "Do muslims exist in Equestria?"
  3121. >"What?"
  3122. "Never mind. I'll just say that it's cold in the Crystal Empire if anyone asks."
  3123. >"Sounds like a plan. Here's the bits for the train ride."
  3124. >a jingling bag is hung around your neck
  3125. >"Do you think you can get that and dump it out with your mouth through that cloth? Since you can't use your claws and all."
  3126. "I… I can try."
  3127. >"Okay, I think the train to the Crystal Empire is leaving in the next hour."
  3128. "Uh, thanks for everything then, I guess I'll just be-"
  3129. >"Oh, wait! One more thing!"
  3130. >she pulls out a photograph of Twilight and her friends
  3131. >"After Princess Twilight saves Equestria, do you think you could get her to sign this for me-my… my little sister? Sh-she'd really appreciate it."
  3132. "What's your little sister's name?"
  3133. >"Stocky Home."
  3134. "Isn't that your name?"
  3135. >"Y-yeah, w-w-well it's a common name!"
  3136. >she sticks her hoof under your dress
  3137. >"Now, I saw you had pockets. Here!"
  3138. >a piece of paper slides over the surface of your dick and rests there
  3139. "That is not my pocket!"
  3140. >"Oh, sorry. Leave that part out when you give it to the Princess, okay?"
  3141.  
  3142. >under your invisible man getup, you're wearing a very nervous smile
  3143. >across the ticket counter of the train station, a stallion with a thick mustache carries the ticket you've purchased in his hoof
  3144. >and on his face he carries a very cautious expression
  3145. >"And where did you say you were from again, uh, ma'am?"
  3146. >oh, come on, you made it all the way from the linens shop to this point without being noticed
  3147. >why do you have to get memed now?
  3148. "I-I am… of… Stalliongrad."
  3149. >on the way in you noticed that a lot of city names in Equestria are just horse puns on the names of Earth cities
  3150. >you seriously hope that makes "Stalliongrad" a real place
  3151. >"Oh yeah? I used to drive a train out there."
  3152. >naturally
  3153. "O-ohoho, yes, is very good."
  3154. >the fake accent, of course, is to hide the fake female voice you're putting on
  3155. >and the fake female voice is to justify the dress
  3156. >and the dress is to cover your human legs while you navigate on your hands and knees in your shoddy pony disguise
  3157. >and the shoddy pony disguise is to keep evil, pastel guardponies with super strength from handing you over to the autism king, Sombra
  3158. >which is somehow the reason why you're going straight to Sombra's lair in the Crystal Empire
  3159. >"Well, you enjoy your trip north then, ma'am. Sorry for the fuss, but I was told to keep an eye out for a two-legged monster."
  3160. "Ohoho, t-two-leg monster? I-is old mare tale, pay no mind."
  3161. >"Eh, you might be right. But the country's under new management right now, and I can't just ignore an order. Here ya go."
  3162. >it's a bit of a trick to grab the ticket by your teeth through the cloth facemask, but you manage
  3163. >"And your train is that way."
  3164. >you make it over to the train, flash your ticket, and enter the train without further issue
  3165. >the further issue doesn't come until you try to take a seat
  3166. >aw shit, how are you supposed to make this happen?
  3167. >clambering up onto a chair will probably expose your human features
  3168. >and sitting like a pony for two hours sounds really fucking uncomfortable
  3169. >you're just gonna have to stand
  3170. >and by stand, you mean be on the ground on your hands and knees
  3171. >how do horses tolerate being quadrupeds?
  3172. >before long, the whistle blows
  3173. >and a couple of minutes after that, the train passes beyond the Canterlot city borders
  3174. >and with that, your grand escape from Canterlot is complete
  3175. >now you're gonna have to sit here and brainstorm
  3176. >because you've still got to infiltrate the Crystal Empire
  3177.  
  3178. Part 3: Well That Didn't Work
  3179.  
  3180. >screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
  3181. >you feel the train grinding to a halt
  3182. >oh hell
  3183. >you still don't feel like you've got a very great plan
  3184. >"This is the end of the line. Please clear your area of all your belongings and exit the train."
  3185. >welp
  3186. >you shuffle awkwardly off the train on your hands and knees
  3187. >the train platform is freezing cold under your bare hands
  3188. >was the Crystal Empire always so...
  3189. >black?
  3190. >the city, which was a sparkling bluish-white just a week ago, is now a hunk of glossy obsidian
  3191. >actually it looks really hard to visually navigate through
  3192. >in spite of that, it doesn't take you long to locate Sombra's evil lair
  3193. >it's the
  3194. >BIG
  3195. >BLACK
  3196. >TOWER
  3197. >right where the hideous castle you were in last week was
  3198. >okay
  3199. >as of right now, the plan is more or less to see if you can just waltz in through the front door
  3200. >or crawl right in, given your disguise
  3201. >it's not a terribly long walk to the tower
  3202. >the guards greet you and hold the door open as you painstakingly ascend the staircase
  3203. >looks like you can just crawl in
  3204. >"Here you go, ma'am."
  3205. "Many thank yous, yes, very nice boys."
  3206. >immediately you're in the throne room
  3207. >actually, you recognize it as the foyer from last week
  3208. >but it looks like Sombra put his throne in here for some sort of public court
  3209. >"Oh, oh, look your highness, a petitioner!"
  3210. >looks like you're the only one taking advantage of this
  3211. >Sombra, adorned in steel armor and a red cape, growls from his throne
  3212. >what happened to his horn?
  3213. >it's bent
  3214. >is that from jerking it off too much or something?
  3215. >and his fucking eyes are spewing green gas
  3216. >that can't be healthy
  3217. >Sombra growls again
  3218. >a guard, evidently serving as an autist-to-english translator, speaks up
  3219. >"State your business, peasant."
  3220. >oh fuck
  3221. >what the fuck were you gonna do?
  3222. "Uh... I... um..."
  3223. >with what was intended to be one swift motion, you tear off your disguise and stand up
  3224. >in reality it took about a minute of flailing and clawing
  3225. >you stand erect and point at Sombra
  3226. "I have you now!"
  3227. >...
  3228. >what have you done?
  3229. >"The human!"
  3230. >"How did he do that?"
  3231. >"Everyone knows humans are shapeshifters!"
  3232. >"But how does he still have magic?"
  3233. >"Grrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaagghhhh..."
  3234. >"Yes, your highness. The human's execution shall be stayed until we discover the nature of his strange shapeshifting powers."
  3235. "Wait, I'm not a-"
  3236. >a bolt of opaque, green magic hits you in the face
  3237. >your body hits the floor
  3238. >unconsciousness hits your brain
  3239.  
  3240. Part 4: The Autistishank Redemption
  3241.  
  3242. >there's a soft hoof on your face, gently shaking your head
  3243. >there's a pair of deep purple eyes staring into your own
  3244. >the eyes are embedded in a light purple face
  3245. >there are words coming from the face
  3246. >"Anon? Anon? Are you waking up?"
  3247. "Uh, Twilight?"
  3248. >"Okay it looks like you didn't suffer any head trauma. I wasn't sure, because you look pretty beat up."
  3249. "Oh… no… I just… jumped out of a building… and then off of a cliff."
  3250. >everything is still pretty groggy
  3251. >no, wait, it's just you that's groggy
  3252. >you shake your head to clear it up
  3253. >"You what?"
  3254. "The guards. They were trying to get me."
  3255. >"Looks like they did."
  3256. "Yeah, but not before I waltzed right into the castle."
  3257. >time seems to be moving at its usual pace again
  3258. >"Why would you do something like that?"
  3259. "I was coming to rescue you."
  3260. >Twilight cocks her head
  3261. >"Why?"
  3262. "Applejack visited me the other day. She said that you deal with this sort of thing with friendship beams or something."
  3263. >"Oh, yeah, I guess I do, with the help of my friends."
  3264. >this whole conversation feels painfully awkward
  3265. >it's probably about time you addressed the elephant in the…
  3266. >you look around at your surroundings
  3267. >…dungeon cell
  3268. "I-I'm s-"
  3269. >"Anon, we need to-"
  3270. "Y-you go first."
  3271. >"About our last… altercation. Is that what you were going to say?"
  3272. "Yeah."
  3273. >"You're sorry?"
  3274. "Yeah."
  3275. >"Anon, don't be. I'm the one… I figured out later that Sombra threw hot water at your face, I was just…"
  3276. "N-no. No matter how you look at, I was wrong to-"
  3277. >a gag rings out from behind you
  3278. >"Ugh, can you both just be wrong and cut the mushy stuff?"
  3279. >there, in the cell directly across from yours, stands Spike, the baby dragon who snores like a freight train, standing with his stubby arms crossed over his puffed-out chest
  3280. "Oh, uh, Spike's here."
  3281. >"That's right. And for the record, it was me who stopped Sombra last time, not Twilight."
  3282. >"With. My. Help. Of course."
  3283. >Twilight's eye twitches
  3284. >"In any case, Anon, I'm sorry, and I forgive you."
  3285. "D-do people really just… forgive each other like that?"
  3286. >"Friends do. Especially friends who are slated for execution in the next week. We need to find a way to escape and stop Sombra right now."
  3287. "Oh, uh, well then, uh, m-me too then. What's your plan for getting out of here?"
  3288.  
  3289. "Well then what's your plan?"
  3290. >Twilight's ears flatten against her head
  3291. >"Well, strictly speaking, I don't have one. It's just difficult with what's going on right now."
  3292. "Oh, I meant to ask you. What exactly is going on right now?"
  3293. >Twilight sighs
  3294. >"Sombra managed to infuse the entire Crystal Empire with dark magic. In so doing, he's reversed the magical polarity of all of Equestria, so that dark magic is stronger than light magic."
  3295. "Uh, which means?"
  3296. >"For the vast majority of ponies, it means no magic, no flight, no strength, and no special talent. For a master of the dark arts like Sombra, it means enhanced magic, strength, and special talent. The crystal ponies also get enhanced abilities, but their minds are corrupted and under Sombra's control. You probably noticed that in the guards who tried to capture you."
  3297. >Spike pipes up
  3298. >"And no fire for dragons."
  3299. "Those were crystal ponies? They weren't very crystally."
  3300. >"They wouldn't be, under the influence of all this dark magic, but their bodies still have the magical properties of crystal."
  3301. "Magical properties?"
  3302. >"Crystal is highly absorbent to magic, and once it's got a magical charge it produces and radiates whatever magic is inside of it. That's how this whole problem works."
  3303. "Why the hell were you keeping Sombra in a city of crystal then?"
  3304. >Twilight puts her hoof up and opens her mouth
  3305. >she puts her hoof back down and closes her mouth
  3306. >"That's a good question."
  3307. "Anyway, why don't you just put some good magic in a crystal and use that to make things normal or something?"
  3308. >"Have you been listening to me? I'd do something like that, but I can't do any magic right now. Watch."
  3309. >Twilight's horn glows purple, but nothing else happens
  3310. >"See? I can't even wiggle your shoelaces."
  3311. >hmmm…
  3312. "But you can make your horn glow."
  3313. >"What?"
  3314. >you reach over to the evil black wall and break off an intimidating yet impractical spike
  3315. >"How did you do that?"
  3316. "Well it wasn't on there very securely."
  3317. >"No, I mean, remember what I said? No strength."
  3318. "Well that all has something to do with magic, doesn't it?"
  3319. >"And there's… no… magic where you're from!"
  3320. "Right."
  3321. >"Non-magical strength! Non-magical talents! Anon, do you realize what this means?"
  3322. "I've got a feeling."
  3323. >"Anon, right now, you might just be the strongest and most talented being in all of Equestria!"
  3324. >oh fuck, why
  3325. >considering that you're completely DYEL and totally useless, that's saying a fucking lot
  3326. >Spike speaks
  3327. >"You mean, except for Sombra and his army of darkness?"
  3328. >Twilight calms down a bit
  3329. >"Oh, that's true."
  3330. "Yeah, well, not for long."
  3331. >you touch the crystal to Twilight's horn
  3332. "Magic this thing up."
  3333. >Twilight's horn glows purple
  3334. >the purple coloring slowly creeps through the crystal, displacing the black
  3335. >it's working
  3336. >Twilight's horn stops glowing
  3337. >she bows her head and pants with fatigue
  3338. >"It's no good. My magic isn't strong enough to take root."
  3339. >well shit
  3340.  
  3341. >Twilight sighs and claws at the ground with her hoof
  3342. >"If my cutie mark was working I might have been able to pull this off."
  3343. >her cutie mark?
  3344. "Oh, you know, I meant to ask you once, what does your cutie mark mean?"
  3345. >"It's magic, and it'd really give me the boost I need right about now."
  3346. "So your talent is magic, but you're the "princess of friendship?"
  3347. >"Well, friendship is magic, you know. It's a very powerful form of magic."
  3348. >Twilight sits down
  3349. >and then gets back up
  3350. >"Wait, that's it!"
  3351. "What's it?"
  3352. >Twilight lays her horn on the crystal in your hand and rests a hoof on your waist
  3353. >"Okay, Anon, be my friend!"
  3354. "What? Twilight, it's not that simple. I can't just 'be' your friend."
  3355. >"You're wrong, Anon. It is that simple. Friendship is a choice. It's a decision. It's a realization!"
  3356. "What?"
  3357. "You just have to believe. You… you have to care!"
  3358. "What? Twilight, stop."
  3359. >"Didn't I ever tell you how I met my friends?"
  3360. "No."
  3361. >Twilight groans
  3362. >"Remind me to do that sometime. The important part is, when it mattered most, I just… decided to–to-to-to let them in-in-into my heart, to realize and-and accept them as my friends, then…"
  3363. >she's getting really worked up about this
  3364. "Then what?"
  3365. >"Then our magic came to light, and we saved Equestria from eternal darkness,"
  3366. >you don't completely understand what she's on about
  3367. >but since she's getting so excited over it
  3368. >and since it might just get you out of here
  3369. >you're willing to give it a try
  3370. "Okay, Twilight, you are my friend. Twilight Sparkle is my friend."
  3371. >nothing happens
  3372. >"Ugh, Anon, you don't believe a word you're saying! You're too afraid! You're not letting me in! Anon, you have to-"
  3373. >Twilight rears up on her hindlegs, wraps her forelegs around your midsection, and lays her head against your chest
  3374. >"-relax…"
  3375. >for a moment you do the exact opposite of what she says, tensing up to the point of spasm
  3376. >but your hands find their way to the back of her neck
  3377. >and you breathe out
  3378. >you're vaguely conscious of the fact that Spike is making a gagging sound
  3379. >but mostly, you're conscious of the warm body pressed tightly against your own
  3380. >and finally, you're conscious of a brilliant light
  3381. >Twilight's horn is glowing with all the colors of the rainbow
  3382. >she lets go, gets back on all fours, and smiles up at you
  3383. >"People like you were - and like I was, a long time ago - tend to over-complicate the concept of true friendship. That, right there, is all there is to it."
  3384. >her words coax you out of a trance-like state
  3385. "I feel like you cheated a little."
  3386. >Twilight laughs, and lays her horn on the crystal shard again
  3387. >in seconds, a swirling, shifting rainbow of color displaces all the blackness away from the stone and fuses into a brilliant white.
  3388. >that's it
  3389.  
  3390. Part 5: The Escape
  3391.  
  3392. >Twilight's horn glows purple once again
  3393. >and so does the crystal, which zips around the cell joyously
  3394. >"It worked! In the immediate vicinity of this crystal, the magical polarities are normal! I can do magic!"
  3395. >Twilight cranes her neck around and swings her ass in front of her face expectantly
  3396. >she sighs and frowns
  3397. >"But my cutie mark is still missing."
  3398. >you chance a glance at the pony's plot and see that her cutie mark is indeed still replaced with a dark silhouette
  3399. >Twilight rubs her chin thoughtfully
  3400. >"Hmm… I'm going to need that for what I'm planning."
  3401. >she looks at you
  3402. >and your hands
  3403. >and gets a bright idea
  3404. >the crystal is magically pressed into your hand
  3405. >"Here, Anon, rub this on my cutie mark."
  3406. >wait
  3407. >you look at Twilight's cutie mark
  3408. >and back her face
  3409. >and back at her ass - er, cutie mark
  3410. >and back at her face
  3411. "Is that really what friends do?"
  3412. >"Huh? Of course. I need my talent working."
  3413. "I-in front of Spike?"
  3414. >"What? Oh, Anon, stop making this weird."
  3415. "Uh, all right."
  3416. >tentatively, you hold the crystal against her cutie mark
  3417. >trying not to notice how soft Twilight's rear end is, you rub the crystal up and down it
  3418. >"Harder, Anon, really get in there."
  3419. >goodness fucking shit
  3420. >your heart is trying to jackhammer its way out of your torso
  3421. >you press the crystal in harder and move your hand in circles
  3422. >a cold sweat breaks out on your forehead when she lets out a throaty moan in response
  3423. >you look over at Spike, who's staring wide-eyed
  3424. >shit fucking damn it
  3425. >just how unaware can this horse possibly be?
  3426. >"Hey, Anon, how's it looking back there? Does my cutie mark look normal yet?"
  3427. "Oh, right, uh-"
  3428. >yep, the pink and lavender star is right back where it should be
  3429. "Yeah."
  3430. >"Great. I'll get started on the spell; you get started on the other side."
  3431. >oh fuck
  3432. >there's two of them
  3433.  
  3434. >Twilight's horn glows, and then burns with light
  3435. >she closes her eyes, and opens them again to reveal that they're also expelling bright lights
  3436. >the air blows and whirls and burns and sparks
  3437. >and then five little ponies materialize directly above your head
  3438. >naturally, you have no time to get out of the way before they fall
  3439. >it takes you a moment to realize that the ponies who form a heap on you also form the main body of Twilight's friends
  3440. >Twilight barks out an order
  3441. >"All right, girls, group hug, right now! Anon, go break off more crystals."
  3442. >the girls groan in pain and confusion
  3443. >but Pinkie Pie pipes up
  3444. >"Come on, you heard her: group hug! Aren't we all glad to see each other again?"
  3445. >you're grateful when the pink blur snatches the ponies off of your back and rushes them over to Twilight
  3446. >you quickly set about breaking crystal spikes off of the wall
  3447. >"Well o' course we are, Pinkie, it's jus'… aw, shucks."
  3448. >you've gotten maybe a dozen spikes off when a bright light from behind you tells you that Twilight got the result she was looking for
  3449. >"That'll do, Anon. Bring those over here."
  3450. >you comply, laying the crystals down before Twilight, who lays a rainbow-colored horn on them
  3451. >just as before, the result is a pile of brilliant white crystals
  3452. >Twilight distributes one to each of her friends and grins
  3453. >"Feeling better?"
  3454. >Applejack shakes her leg and thinks
  3455. >"Mightily. What just happened?"
  3456. >Pinkie Pie butts in
  3457. >"I'll tell you what happened! They locked me up in a prison! Can you believe it?"
  3458. >Rainbow Dash squints
  3459. >"I'm pretty sure they locked all of us up, Pinkie. What Applejack means is how did Twilight get around Sombra's magic-draining thing."
  3460. >Twilight gestures at you
  3461. >"Anon came to save me. He offered me his friendship and helped me get you here."
  3462. >Pinkie Pie pulls a tissue out of seemingly nowhere and cries an
  3463. >"Awwwwwwwwww!"
  3464. >Rainbow Dash flies up to be eye-level with you
  3465. >"Oh, so we're cool with Anon now? Nothing personal kiddo, but I was gonna beat you up next time I saw you."
  3466. "Th-that sounds highly personal."
  3467. >"Yes, Rainbow. Anonymous is my friend."
  3468. >Rarity taps at the bars of the cell
  3469. >"Not to ruin a touching moment or anything, but what exactly are we going to do next?"
  3470. >"I'm glad you asked, Rarity. My plan is fairly simple. We break out of here, make for the Crystal Heart, which should still be in the center of the ground floor, and infuse it with friendship. That alone won't be enough to undo all of this, so from there we take the Heart to Sombra, and-"
  3471. >Rainbow interjects
  3472. >"-And we blast him?"
  3473. >"More or less, yes. And while we're doing this, Anon and Spike will take the extra crystals and expose Sombra to them. This should weaken him and free the crystal ponies from his mind control, which makes our job much easier."
  3474. >Spike has an objection
  3475. >"Why me?"
  3476. >"Because someone has to do it, and I don't want just one of you doing it alone."
  3477. >Applejack rears up
  3478. >"Let's get to it."
  3479. >Twilight looks at you again
  3480. >"Hold on. First we need to restore your cutie marks. Anon, would you?"
  3481. "Wh-what? The same thing I did with you?"
  3482. >"Of course."
  3483. >oh fuck
  3484.  
  3485. Part 6: The End
  3486.  
  3487. >Sombra's makeshift throne room is just around the corner
  3488. >the girls should be getting to the Crystal Heart soon
  3489. >you know, Twilight never actually explained what a "Crystal Heart" was
  3490. >whatever
  3491. >you gesture to Spike that you're going to move
  3492. >he doesn't get it
  3493. >"What?"
  3494. >of course, living in a society of ungulates would be somewhat detrimental to one's understanding of hand gestures
  3495. >you move around the corner, crystals in-hand
  3496. "COME 'N' 'AVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE 'ARD ENUFF!'"
  3497. >it got Sombra's attention
  3498. >but, of course, he doesn't get the reference, and stares at you awkwardly
  3499. >Spike tentatively follows you out
  3500. >"Anon, what are you- oh…"
  3501. >Sombra growls
  3502. >his translator shouts
  3503. >"Get the monsters!"
  3504. >"Hey! I'm not a monster, I'm adorable!"
  3505. >you hold out some crystals
  3506. "Stay back!"
  3507. >the guards who approach you groan and collapse
  3508. >friendship is some scary shit, man
  3509. >Sombra jumps from his throne and approaches you
  3510. >experimentally, you throw a crystal at him
  3511. >at once, all of the guards collapse
  3512. >so you throw another
  3513. >and another
  3514. >Spike does the same with his
  3515. >Sombra lies on the ground, clutching at his head
  3516. >a familiar female voice cries out from behind you
  3517. >"Okay girls, now!"
  3518. >a massive rainbow arcs from behind you into Sombra
  3519. >actually, you've never seen rainbows be so terrifying
  3520. >he cries out
  3521. >and stands up
  3522. >his body transforms into…
  3523. >into a massive shadow
  3524. >the rainbow turns black and disintegrates
  3525. >Sombra roars
  3526. >someone, you can't tell who, is worried
  3527. >"Twilight, why didn't it work?"
  3528. >"There's… there's too much pain. Too much loneliness! This is why the Crystal Heart needed the entire Crystal Empire to cast him out; we can't do it on our own!"
  3529. >the shadow wraps a tendril around you and picks you up
  3530. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey buddy! There's no need for this!"
  3531. >for once, Sombra speaks in a complete sentence
  3532. >"You don't understand."
  3533. >Twilight's voice cries something out
  3534. >but you can't make it out, because the tendril pulls you into the shadow
  3535. >you're surprised to find yourself in a classroom full of crystal schoolponies
  3536. >your attention is drawn to a single colt, silvery like a diamond, yet alone in the corner with nobody around
  3537. >the scene changes to a hallway with lockers
  3538. >that same colt, now a teenager, no longer seems quite so crystalline
  3539. >you're in a laboratory
  3540. >he's a stallion now, and completely dull and grey
  3541. >he's evidently completed some sort of experiment
  3542. >he looks around excitedly
  3543. >but there's nobody to share his achievement with
  3544. >the scene changes again
  3545. "Okay, that's enough, I get it."
  3546. >you wave your arms and find yourself face to face with Sombra in the shadow
  3547. "I understand perfectly. Don't you fucking say I don't, because as far as I can tell we're the same damn person."
  3548. >you think about what you just said
  3549. "Except I'm lazier than you, and you're magical."
  3550. >Sombra hisses at you
  3551. "Don't give me that shit you autistic fuck. I'm serious. Read my mind or something; you'll see. And, looking back through my lonely, pathetic life, I see now that there are moments when I could have chosen not to be alone. When people reached out to me. And I'm willing to bet you've had the same fucking thing."
  3552. >he goes back to hissing
  3553. "Oh yeah? How about your mother? I saw the way she dotes on you, fucko."
  3554. >the shadow begins to dissipate
  3555. >"Or what about Twilight and the other princess? They offered you friendship and look at how you fucking re-payed them."
  3556. >you can vaguely make out Twilight's voice calling to you
  3557. >"And Twilight's out there right now. You know she just helped me out a lot, and I'm pretty sure she helped out an even nastier fuck than you once, so stop with the dumb shit and go talk to her."
  3558. >the shadow is gone
  3559. >Sombra looks like an ordinary pony
  3560. "Yeah, yeah that's it. Let's shake on it."
  3561. >you stick out your hand at him
  3562. >he looks at it silently
  3563.  
  3564. >to your incredible surprise, a purple blur leaps into Sombra's face and hits him over the head with a crystal shard
  3565. >immediately, Sombra's whole body is absorbed into the crystal, and the city casts off its black robes for its usual bluish hue
  3566. >Spike the dragon triumphantly holds the crystal over his head
  3567. >Sombra can be seen inside the crystal, furiously pounding at its sides and screeching
  3568. "Spike, what the f-"
  3569. >the crystal ponies cast off their armor and lift spike up on their hooves
  3570. >"Spike, the glorious and brave, has saved us once again!"
  3571. >"Let's build him another statue!"
  3572. >"Huzzah!"
  3573. >the crowd carries Spike off into the city
  3574. >Twilight stares off speechlessly at him
  3575. "So, uh, Twilight, is it possible to, uh, get him out of there?"
  3576. >she sighs
  3577. >"Sure. It'd take me about a thousand years, but I could do it."
  3578. "Oh, well, at least he'll be friendly when he gets out."
  3579. >Pinkie interjects
  3580. >"Or he could feel totally betrayed and completely reject everything you told him!"
  3581. "W-well, if that's a thousand years from now, at least it's not our problem."
  3582. >Twilight sighs again
  3583. >"It's my problem. I'm an immortal alicorn princess."
  3584. >Applejack winks
  3585. >"It's Spike's problem too then. He's a dragon."
  3586. >Rainbow Dash scratches at the back of her head
  3587. >"Yeah… I wouldn't worry about it too much."
  3588. >for the third time, Twilight sighs
  3589. >"You're right. I have other matters to attend to."
  3590. >she looks at you
  3591. >"Like you. Anon, I free you from my servitude. From here on out, you are no longer my vassal, but my friend. You're free to set up your big tent again."
  3592. >Fluutershy gasps
  3593. >"You enslaved him?!"
  3594. >"Well, it's not exactly the same thing… It was for his own good!"
  3595. >the discussion devolves into a five-way debate over the ethics of feudal serfdom
  3596. >the only one not partaking is Applejack
  3597. >she grins at you
  3598. >"You did all right, Mr. Nonermous."
  3599. "Thanks."
  3600. >she looks at her friends, and looks back at you with a sly smile
  3601. >"You wanna see if we can't sneak off to the train while they're a-bickerin'?"
  3602.  
  3603. ----------------------------------------------------------------
  3604.  
  3605. >it's been two years since you arrived in Equestria
  3606. >after the most eventful two weeks of your life, you didn't have to move back into the yurt
  3607. >Twilight and her… and your friends were more than happy to commission a real house for you
  3608. >in the time since, you've been waiting for Amber Ember to visit you
  3609. >news of the events made it pretty clear that you were going back to Ponyville, so she probably knows where you are
  3610. >you've considered asking Twilight if she can find out where Amber is
  3611. >but it doesn't feel right
  3612. >it's up to her to visit you
  3613. >she just hasn't
  3614. >it's not like you're completely alone though
  3615. >currently, you're snuggled up on your couch with Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship
  3616. >she shifts and looks up at you
  3617. >"Hey Anon."
  3618. "Yeah?"
  3619. >"Do you wanna move back into the castle?"
  3620. "Why do you ask?"
  3621. >"Well, I've picked up another student of friendship. You could be helpful in training her; I think you may have met her at Pinkie's party."
  3622. "Oh, come on, don't bring up the party. I probably don't remember her."
  3623. >"Well, I first met her before that, when she was, uh, enslaving a village."
  3624. "What?"
  3625. >"And I met her again the other day, when she made it so I never met my friends and destroyed the timeline."
  3626. "What?!"
  3627. >"And I'm just, you know, trying to set her straight, you know?"
  3628. >goodness fucking shit
  3629. >she's trying to reform another villain
  3630. "Twilight."
  3631. >"What?"
  3632. "Not this shit again."
  3633.  
  3634. THE END
  3635.  
  3636. This story has a sequel called Legend of the Wandering Autist, which can be found here if you're interested: https://ponepaste.org/3657
  3637. It also has a threequel called Act Ten here: https://ponepaste.org/9354

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