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Legend of the Wandering Autist

By Writefag_Roulette
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2023-10-02 04:05:29
Expiry: Never
twilight sparklesafeanonymous/pone/8chan/gtpone/apple frittersequel

  1. https://web.archive.org/web/20190803132546/https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2751.html
  2.  
  3. You can skip the introduction if you remember the gist of Anon Tried to Kill Himself. This is the sequel to that story, which can be found here: https://ponepaste.org/3653
  4.  
  5. If you haven't read the first story, and you don't want to read it, here's a quick rundown. If you haven't read the first story but do want to read it, the quick rundown contains spoilers.
  6.  
  7. And here's the quick rundown of the first story:
  8. >you are Anonymous Faggot, a NEET living in a tiny apartment who hasn't spoken to another person in months
  9. >one day you go to bed at seven in the morning as always
  10. >and the next day you wake up in a world of talking ponies
  11. >though really they look more like bug-eyed llamas to you
  12. >the local pink party pony throws a welcome party for you
  13. >but you soon retreat to a yurt on the edge of the woods
  14. >a year goes by almost totally without interaction with these strange talking horses
  15. >finally you decide it's time to quit
  16. >you're in the middle of doing the rope dance when the purple princess pony decides to pay you a visit
  17. >next thing you know, you're living in a hideous crystal tree-castle
  18. >even worse, you're now Twilight Sparkle's glorified slave until she's convinced you won't try to off yourself again
  19. >over the course of the next week, she makes you socialize with her friends
  20. >Pinkie Pie, whose party peer pressure drives you to do some things you don't remember
  21. >Rarity, who fails to get you to relax
  22. >Fluttershy, who's nice enough but ends up being largely unapproachable
  23. >Rainbow Dash, the first pony to successfully make a crack in your shell
  24. >and Applejack, who seems to see into your soul and seems to see something you don't want to be seen
  25. >in spite of your generally shitty attitude about pretty much everything, you do manage to establish a somewhat friendly-ish relationship with Twilight
  26. >finally, a magic table decides that you need to go to the Crystal Empire with Twilight
  27. >Twilight believes that this is because you need to help a low-functioning autist named Sombra adjust to society
  28. >you end up being very uncooperative
  29. >so does Sombra
  30. >this culminates in a fight in the middle of the night
  31. >tl;dr you end up bitch slapping Twilight and she sends you away to a mental hospital
  32. >while you're there a pony named Amber Ember attempts to make friends with you, but shortly checks out of the hospital
  33. >you're forced to escape the hospital when Sombra takes over Equestria
  34. >eventually you're reunited with Twilight in prison
  35. >with the power of hugs, she extracts enough friendship out of you to summon her friends and break out of prison
  36. >you confront Sombra, and you feel like you're about to make a breakthrough, both in him and in yourself
  37. >but Spike imprisons Sombra in a crystal shard
  38. >the day is saved, and Twilight gives you your freedom, but somehow it doesn't feel quite right
  39. >we pick up a year later
  40. >over the past year, you've grown somewhat close with Twilight, who is currently cuddled up with you on your couch
  41. >Twilight has just invited you to come move back into the castle with her to help her instruct her new friendship student, Starlight Glimmer
  42.  
  43. And here's a TL;DR rundown, for anyone who doesn't want to read the quick rundown:
  44. >be Anon
  45. >be suicidal faggot with a shitty attitude
  46. >purplesmart cures you of shitty attitude
  47. >story picks up the day after season 5 finale
  48.  
  49. ACT I: Anonymous the Human
  50. Part 1: Anon Fucking Hates Sex
  51.  
  52. >"What do you mean, 'Not this shit again'?"
  53. "Well, I just mean that the last time you tried this it didn't work out very well."
  54. >Sombra would probably agree with you
  55. >except for the fact that he hasn't spoken a complete sentence since Spike trapped him in that crystal
  56. >Twilight does that thing that ponies do
  57. >you know, where they scrunch up their noses and make a little scowl
  58. >"Yeah, well…"
  59. >she looks straight up into your eyes
  60. >"I have a good feeling about Starlight. I think she's a lot like me."
  61. "Except, you know, a supervillain."
  62. >"Ex-supervillain. And she feels really bad about it. Honestly, her guilt over it is probably going to be the biggest obstacle to reaching her."
  63. "Didn't she just move in with you yesterday?"
  64. >"You know what I think, Anon?"
  65. >oh geez
  66. >she's smugging at you
  67. "What?"
  68. >"I think you're jealous."
  69. >just look at that snarky little smirk
  70. "Huh? No, I'm not-"
  71. >are you?
  72. >"Anon."
  73. >Twilight sits up on her haunches and sets a hoof on your chest
  74. >were her eyes always this…
  75. >purple?
  76. >"You hold a very special place among my friends. I couldn't replace you any more than I could replace Spike, or Applejack, or any of my other friends."
  77. "Uh. Thanks."
  78. >you don't realize just how close she's gotten to your face til a fucking furnace wind escapes her mouth and sets your lips on fire
  79. >"Let me prove it to you."
  80. >and just like that, there's a damn horse tongue in your mouth
  81. >you're all frozen up til she breaks it off and smiles at you
  82. "H-hey, what's this all about?
  83. >"I wasn't going to say anything, but since it looks like we both need this…"
  84. >hey hang on hold up you don't need anything here
  85. >"It's my time of the year."
  86. "What does that mean?"
  87. >Twilight purples her horn up
  88. >apparently it means you spend the next five minutes engaging in activities that go well beyond the bounds of friendship
  89. >Twilight does a pretty good job of satisfying herself, and pretty soon she's passed out on your couch
  90. >and you're standing there without any pants on
  91. >what the fuck
  92. "Huh. Looks like I'll never be a wizard now."
  93. >funny how something silly like that can sound so sad
  94.  
  95. >Twilight doesn't looks like she'll be waking up any time soon
  96. >you need to get outside
  97. >you locate a t-shirt and a pair of shorts
  98. >and you throw on some shoes
  99. >and you get outside
  100. >and you start running
  101. >you're in much better shape than you were a year ago
  102. >you're probably in better shape than you've ever been in your life
  103. >running was something of an acquired taste for you
  104. >but once you got into it, there really wasn't anything else quite like it
  105. >the nice thing about it was how brainless it was
  106. >your only conscious thoughts are for the cool winds of early spring, the muffled thumping of your own footsteps, and the gradually dimming light of late afternoon
  107. >but on some level beneath your consciousness, an idea is forming
  108. >you still don't really get any of these ponies
  109. >and they still don't really get you
  110. >in spite of Twilight's insistence that you really are her close friend
  111. >in spite of you really being close enough to Twilight for her to turn it into some sort of freaky fucking super weapon last year
  112. >in spite of the thing that just happened
  113. >there is a gulf between you and her, and everyone else in Ponyville for that matter
  114. >words make their way into the forefront of your mind when a somewhat raspy voice shouts at you
  115. >"Hey!"
  116. >Rainbow Dash appears in front of you, doing the scrunchy face thing
  117. >you come to hard stop to avoid running into her
  118. >"What do you think you're doing?"
  119. "Huh? Doing? I'm not doing anyt-"
  120. >"You're going for a run without your workout buddy!"
  121. >oh
  122. >right
  123. >you're in the best shape of your life, and it's largely thanks to the blue pony frowning in front of you now
  124. >Dash's scrunch gives way to a grin as she waves her hoof in front of her nose and laughs
  125. >"How long have you been running, Anon? You reek!"
  126. "Uh, not that long, I think."
  127. >"Not that long? But-"
  128. >she takes in a big whiff
  129. >and frowns
  130. >and trots up closer to you
  131. >and sniffs a few more times
  132. >and she beams a gigantic, toothy smile directly into your soul
  133. >"Oh, you've gotta tell me about this."
  134. "What? Tell you about what? There's nothing to te-"
  135. >"Oh, come on! You smell like I did when I was thirteen and figured out that bathrooms could lock."
  136. "That's gross, Rainbow."
  137. >"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, who was it? Was it that green mare who's always hanging around your house?"
  138. >huh?
  139. >is she still stalking you?
  140. "Yeah, I mean no, it wasn't her. Look, I don't wanna talk about it just yet. Maybe I'll tell you about it later."
  141. >"Tell you what 'Non, go home and take a shower, and meet me at Sugarcube Corner right after. This is great, don't be so weird about it."
  142. >fuck
  143. "Sure."
  144. >Rainbow flits off, leaving you to jog home
  145. >if Twilight has tried to be your mentor in her ideology of friendship
  146. >than Dash has tried to be your tutor in her own brand of "coolness"
  147. >"coolness" has to be in quotes here because Dash actually has some pretty extensive theories on the differences between coolness, awesomeness, and radicalness,
  148. >she'd be displeased to hear you use "coolness" as a blanket term for all three
  149. >Twilight is gone by the time you get back home
  150. >leaving her alone was probably some sort of social faux pas
  151. >whatever
  152. >at least she cleaned up all the sticky shit off the couch before she left
  153.  
  154. Part 2: The Last Cupcake
  155.  
  156. >Dash is already waiting for you when you get to the pastry shop
  157. >fortunately, it looks like she's had the tact to choose a table tucked away in a corner
  158. >and as an added bonus, there's already what looks like two dozen cupcakes sitting on the table
  159. >hey, fuck spending money
  160. >"Anon! There you are! Eat a cupcake! Have another! I spent a lot of money on these things!"
  161. >Dash watches you obediently consume a couple cupcakes while having a few herself
  162. >then the grins start
  163. >"All right, Anon, I wanna know everything. Who was she? Anypony I know? Was it good?"
  164. >Rainbow pauses for a moment
  165. >"Actually, you know what? Just tell me everything like it's one of your jack-off stories."
  166. "I don't write jack-off stories!"
  167. >"Uh-huh, sure. How old did you get before you lost your virginity?"
  168. "Shit damnit Rainbow Dash, I don't write jack-off stories!"
  169. >"Okay, fine, no story. But at least give me a name."
  170. "Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope!"
  171. >"All right, that's cool, you don't kiss and tell, I can respect that."
  172. >Rainbow Dash thoughtfully inhales another cupcake
  173. >"But at least tell me what it was like. Did you like it?"
  174. "Uh..."
  175. >"Uh-huh..."
  176. "Well..."
  177. >"Well..."
  178. "I didn't like it."
  179. >"What?!"
  180. >your eyes become very interested in the table for some reason
  181. "I didn't like it. It was weird."
  182. >"Weird? What, like, freaky stuff?"
  183. "No, fuck, it was normal, I think. It was just... I didn't like it."
  184. >"So, was it bad? Did you not get off or something?"
  185. >you rapidly destroy three more cupcakes before answering
  186. "I mean, I guess you could say it was bad. Like, yeah, I got off, but wasn't like, you know, strong or anything."
  187. >Rainbow nods sagely
  188. >"Yep. That'll do it. Honestly, I was gonna take you to a hooker when I thought you were ready. You should have waited, 'Non."
  189. "What-no-that's not the issue here! I'm, like, I'm freaking out here, man!"
  190. >"Freaking out? Shoot, I told Pinkie I only wanted vodka in the cupcakes!"
  191. "No, not like dru- Wait. You had the cupcakes spiked?"
  192. >"Just the frosting."
  193. >shit fucking damnit
  194. >this isn't even the first time she's gotten you with this
  195. >you grab another cupcake, lick the frosting off of it, and set it back down
  196. >you can't even taste the alcohol, Pinkie Pie is a fucking master at this
  197. "Thanks, Dash."
  198. >"No problem, buddy."
  199. "I'm not freaking out like drugs or anything like that. I'm freaking out like... existentially or something."
  200. >"Exi-what-now?"
  201. "I don't even know."
  202. >"Like you're afraid you got her pregnant or something?"
  203. "Geez, I didn't even think about that. Can you imagine the headlines if I got Twilight Sparkle pregnant?"
  204. >Rainbow Dash gasps
  205. >"You slept with Twilight?!"
  206. >FUCK
  207. >"And it was bad?!"
  208. "No, I mean yes, I mean, shush shush shush shush shush shush! Keep it down, fuck! Oh, hey, Twilight."
  209. >wait a second
  210. >Twilight Sparkle is standing just off to the side of the table
  211. >she's got a cake in her magic
  212. >a pony you don't recognize behind her
  213. >and a silly little smile on her face
  214. "Oh, um, hey there, Twilight. Have you been standing there very long?"
  215. >Twilight drops the cake on the floor without blinking or moving in any way
  216. >then she slides her deadened gaze upon Rainbow Dash
  217. >"Hey, Rainbow. I was just wondering if you could show Starlight around town a little bit tonight? I have some things I need to take care of."
  218. >without waiting for a response, Twilight telepoofs herself out of Sugarcube Corner
  219. >Dash nods sagely
  220. >"Yep. That'll do it."
  221.  
  222. Part 3: Ah, So Long Ago and Far Away
  223.  
  224. >three days of spaced-out solitude are interrupted by a loud banging on your door
  225. >"Mr. 'Nonermous! We need to talk!"
  226. >oh fuck
  227. >it's Applejack
  228. >"Mr. 'Nonermous! I know you know I can bust down this door!"
  229. >fuckcuntering shitdickers
  230. >just hang on a second you fucking apple horse
  231. >in a moment you have the door open
  232. >you clear your disused throat out to warm it up
  233. "Hey there, Applejack. What's up?"
  234. >you're about 99% you already know what's up
  235. >"You need to talk to Twilight."
  236. >yep
  237. >you groan externally
  238. "Why?"
  239. >"Because neither one of you has shown your face outside in days. And I can think of at least two reasons why Twilight really really needs to go outside right now."
  240. "Oh? What's up with her?"
  241. >"Well, first off, her new student is telling me she's having a real hard time finding her way around the castle. It'd be a big help if Twilight could help her find her way around."
  242. "Okay."
  243. >"Also, word on the street is, her brother's wife just had her foal. Twilight's gonna get an invitation to the Crystal Empire any minute now. I don't even think she knows!"
  244. "Oh. Yeah, that's sort of important."
  245. >"Yeah. It is. Come on."
  246. >in a few minutes, Applejack is banging on the door of one ugly castle
  247. >it's Spike who answers it
  248. >"Hey guys. Are you here to see Twilight? Because she hasn't been seeing anyone lately."
  249. >Applejack gives him a grim look
  250. >"She'll see us."
  251. >Spike shrugs
  252. >"If you say so."
  253. >looks like he doesn't know what's going on
  254. >that's good
  255. >you're led up a few flights of stairs before Applejack flings open the door to Twilight's study
  256. >"Twilight! Anon's here to talk to you!"
  257. >you're roughly shoved in through the door
  258. >Applejack slams the door shut, leaving you alone in the room with Twilight
  259. >Twilight looks up from her desk, which is a mess of papers, quills, and inkpots
  260. >"Uh, hi Anon. What did you want to talk about?"
  261. "Twilight, Applejack told me you haven't been outside in three days."
  262. >"What? Has it really been three days?"
  263. >Twilight looks at a long-spent hourglass, and then at a stubby, melted candlestick, and then out the window
  264. >"Gee, I'm sorry if I worried you, Anon. I just got so caught up in writing these friendship lessons for Starlight!"
  265. >she proudly holds some papers up in her magic for you to see
  266. "Oh. So you were just… busy then?"
  267. >Twilight giggles
  268. >"Yeah, I guess so."
  269. "Oh. All right. I thought maybe you were worried about… you know, the other day."
  270. >"The other…? Oh! Oh, that! No. No, don't worry about that, Anon. I was a little embarrassed walking in on you and Rainbow Dash talking, but it's fine now."
  271. "Well, uh, that's good."
  272. >Twilight smiles sheepishly
  273. >"Yeah, I'm sorry, Anon. Like I said, it was my, you know, time of the year, so, uh, don't think about it too hard."
  274. "What exactly is a 'time of the year'?"
  275. >"Hm? Is that not a thing with humanesses?"
  276. "I don't think so, no."
  277. >"Oh, well, basically, It means I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry if I confused you, Anon. I thought I'd be able to handle a quick visit, but, well, you know!"
  278. >she offers another fit of giggles
  279. "Uh, I guess so."
  280. >you reach for the door
  281. >"Uh, listen, Anon. Honestly, I'd appreciate if you could just forget the whole thing. It really didn't mean anything."
  282. "Yeah, no, totally. Forget what? I already forgot it."
  283. >"Thanks, Anon! That's a big weight off my back, really."
  284. "Yup. See you later."
  285. >you slip out the door probably a bit faster than you normally would have
  286. >Applejack is waiting for you
  287. >"Well?"
  288. "She'll be fine. She was just writing lessons for her new student and lost track of the time."
  289. >"Really?"
  290. "Yup."
  291. >Applejack sighs
  292. >"Well that's a relief and a half, Mr. 'Nonermous."
  293. "Yup."
  294. >you say that
  295. >but somehow
  296. >you don't feel relieved at all
  297.  
  298. Part 4: The Plan
  299.  
  300. >you're on your way out of the castle when a purple unicorn who isn't Twilight nervously rounds a corner
  301. >"Oh, hi! You must be Anonymous."
  302. "That's me."
  303. >"My name is Starlight Glimmer, I'm the princess's new pupil. I don't suppose you've seen her anywhere, have you?"
  304. "Yeah, I was just talking to her in her study. She told me she lost track of time writing lessons for you."
  305. >"You realize I haven't seen her in three days, right?"
  306. "Trust me, once you get to know her that sort of thing is perfectly believable."
  307. >"Well, that's good, I guess. I mean, I saw her walk in on you and Rainbow Dash talking-"
  308. >oh
  309. >right
  310. >she was following Twilight around that night
  311. "Oh, no, she doesn't care about that."
  312. >"Um, well, that's good. Uh, anyway, I don't suppose you know where the study is exactly?"
  313. "Yeah, it's um…"
  314. >you turn around and see a twisting corridor lined with identical doors
  315. "Uh, I had Applejack take me th-"
  316. >the orange apple pony has disappeared
  317. "I think it's sort of… upstairs… somewhere."
  318. >a piece of paper telepoofs in front of Starlight's face, and she catches it in her magic
  319. >"Oh, never mind about the study. Princess Twilight wants me to meet her in the library for my first lesson now."
  320. "Well, I'll leave you to that then."
  321. >"You don't know where the library is, do you?"
  322. "I can tell you how to get from Spike's room to the breakfast table."
  323. >Starlight sighs
  324. >"Look, Mr. Anonymous, I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing. The princess told me that she took you under her wing before."
  325. "Yeah."
  326. >"So… I was wondering what it was like. How's the instruction, and all that?"
  327. >oh man
  328. "Well… I think you could call what I had more of a test run than an actual 'instruction' or whatever. She definitely never wrote up formal lessons for me, like I just saw her doing for you."
  329. >"Oh… so… you don't know."
  330. "I guess not."
  331. >"Well, thanks anyway, Anonymous. I'm going to try to find the library now."
  332. "Good luck."
  333. >you get a couple paces away from her when you turn around and almost shout
  334. "It's a school of hard knocks, Glimmer. Sometimes hard feelings too. Twilight's gonna make you do a lot of shit you don't want to do. Like, shit- er, stuff, that makes your chest feel all tight and makes your knees feel all wobbly. You won't want to do it, but you'll know she's right, and she'll know you know she's right, and she'll insist until you do it."
  335. >"Oh. That doesn't sound-"
  336. "You gotta go along with what she says. She knows what she's doing. Twilight never turned me into some kind of friendship wizard, but I think she helped me. She'll help you too. Whatever your issue is, it won't go away, but you'll be able to deal with it."
  337. >"Huh. You really think so?"
  338. "Yeah. Probably."
  339.  
  340. >you're sitting on your front porch, watching the sunset filtered through the nearly-bare branches of a budding tree of some sort
  341. >Applejack had been right
  342. >Twilight did end up getting an invitation to the Crystal Empire
  343. >some sort of crystal pony baptism for her new niece
  344. >she took off in the train this afternoon with her five best friends, her number one assistant, and her new pupil
  345. >you were left behind
  346. >here in Ponyville
  347. >all by yourself
  348. >well that's only natural, of course
  349. >you didn't exactly endear yourself to Twilight's family the last time you went up there
  350. >it'd just be nicer if you'd taken the time to get know some ponies outside of Twilight's circle of friends beforehand
  351. >but you're starting to get a crazy idea
  352. >and this crazy idea is why you're sitting still here, staring at the sky
  353. >Ponyville feels fucking stifling all of the sudden
  354. >but Equestria is a really big place
  355. >what if you just up and left?
  356.  
  357. Part 5: The Escape
  358.  
  359. >it's 2 AM
  360. >fear is gone
  361. >with the help of a little drinking anyway
  362. >you're thinking it's about time to do this
  363. >in fact, it's exactly time to do this
  364. >you're already standing outside the castle
  365. >you've decided that you're not embarking on this adventure alone
  366. >in a quiet little town like Ponyville, even the castle is unlocked at night
  367. >you slip on in
  368. >the breakfast table isn't the only place you can get to in this castle
  369. >there's one more room that you visit on a semi-regular basis here
  370. >and it's through this short corridor here
  371. >and just down this stairwell
  372. >the dungeons beneath the castle have one sole occupant
  373. >and fortunately, it's not a zebra named Rapestripe
  374. >in a manner of speaking, the inmate in question is a rock
  375. >or, more accurately, a crystal
  376. "Hey, buddy!"
  377. >Sombra's face rapidly fills the shard and snarls at you
  378. >"GRAARRRRRRRGGHHH!"
  379. "Sshsshhhhshshshshsh! Do you wanna get out of here or not?"
  380. >"Grar?"
  381. "I don't mean out of the crystal, obviously."
  382. >"GRRRRRRAAAAG!"
  383. "Sshshsssshshshhhhshshssh! Ssh! Ssshhh! Look, you can stay quiet and come with me, or you can stare at these dungeon walls for the next thousand years."
  384. >"G-gragh?"
  385. "We're sneaking out of here, tonight, you and me. We're gonna see the world. The princess has no idea."
  386. >"Ger..."
  387. "All right. Shut up and I'll put you in my bag."
  388. >"Grar!"
  389. "Well I can't exactly be seen stealing possibly the most evil artifact in existence from a princess, now can I?"
  390. >"Grrrrr... rar."
  391. "Good. I'll take you out when the coast is clear."
  392. >you stick the evil crystal king into your saddlebag
  393. >well, it was a saddlebag when you bought it
  394. >when you try to wear it like a backpack, it ends up being some sort of double shoulder-pack
  395. >you throw your wierd bag on your back and head
  396. >honestly, you're not sure why you were so worried about being quiet
  397. >Twilight is in the Crystal Empire right now for her niece's ceremony
  398. >the castle will be completely empty once you leave it
  399. >"Anonymous?"
  400.  
  401. >oh fuck
  402. >it's Starlight Glimmer
  403. "Uh... hey."
  404. >"What are you doing here?"
  405. "Just, you know, picking up some things that I left here."
  406. >"At... two in the morning?"
  407. "Yup."
  408. >fortunately, she shouldn't know her way around the castle well enough to know that you just came up from the dungeons
  409. >"From... the dungeon?"
  410. >fuck shit damn motherfucking cunt nigger bitch whore
  411. "Uh, aren't you in the Crystal Empire right now?"
  412. >that sets something off in her
  413. >you can see her eyes widen and sparkle
  414. >"Oh, no. We came back from that this afternoon. It was great, you were totally right!"
  415. "What was I right about?"
  416. >"About listening to Princess Twilight! I didn't want to go along with it at first but it all worked out really great!"
  417. "Oh. Yeah, good old Twilight usually knows what she's on about."
  418. >"Mhm. The princess wanted me to meet up with an old childhood friend of mine, and now, not only did we totally reconnect, we also saved Equestria!"
  419. "Whoah. You saved Equestria in your very first lesson?"
  420. >she giggles
  421. >"Yeah."
  422. "That's good. You're gonna do really well with Twilight. Uh, anyway, I gotta go now."
  423. >"Where are you going?"
  424. >fuck
  425. >do you tell her?
  426. "Away."
  427. >she cocks her head
  428. >"What do you mean?"
  429. >you sigh
  430. "I mean, away. Like, out of town. I don't know. I just need to go somewhere."
  431. >"Uh..."
  432. "Look. Can you do me a big favor and just... not tell Twilight you saw me?"
  433. >"Why?"
  434. "Geez, Starlight, just... please don't."
  435. >"Anonymous..."
  436. "Okay, look. I'm not doing well here. In Ponyville, I mean. I just need some space. If Twilight catches me before I go, she's gonna talk me out of it, and I'm just gonna keep... keep ''suffocating'' here. I don't know. I might come back, once my head is sorted out."
  437. >"You're not doing well? I don't understand. You said Princess Twilight helped you."
  438. "She did. She saved my life. Thanks to her, I'll probably never try to kill myself ever again."
  439. >"You... what?!"
  440. "Yeah. Like I said, she helped me out. She helped me out a lot. But this whole friendship thing... I still don't get it. I can't handle it. Or maybe I just can't handle it with Twilight Sparkle looming over me, I don't know."
  441. >Starlight tenatively reaches out at you with her hoof
  442. >"Have you tried... talking to Princess Twilight about it?"
  443. "I can't! I just can't."
  444. >"You know, that's how I felt about talking to my old friend earlier today. Or, yesterday, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, it worked for me."
  445. "I don't think it's the same."
  446. >"Because of... what happened the other day?"
  447. >geez
  448. >on Earth, this horse would have found a better calling as a counselor than a dictator
  449. "Yes... no, yes. Yeah. Because of what happened the other day. Among other things."
  450. >"But you said everything was fine, regarding... that."
  451. "No, I said Twilight was fine. That doesn't mean... look, I'm not fine. I'm leaving now. Don't tell Twilight."
  452. >you briskly make your way to the door
  453. >but she calls out
  454. >"Are you sure that's what you really want?"
  455. >you pause, halfway out the door
  456. "Yeah, that's what I want. Look, Starlight, you remind me of Twilight in a lot of ways. I'm sure you've got a bright future with her. Don't waste any time looking for some monster who's off crying in the middle of nowhere."
  457. >"I don't think Princess Twilight would just let a hurt friend run off like this."
  458. "Yeah, well, here's a lesson Princess Twilight will never teach you: sometimes you need to leave your friends alone."
  459.  
  460. >well
  461. >you begin walking toward the train station
  462. >that's finally over
  463. >thank fuck Twilight didn't wake up
  464. >you just hope Starlight listens to you and doesn't tell Twilight about this
  465. >with any luck, it'll be a good couple days before anyone even notices you're gone
  466. >all you ever did for bits was little odd jobs that six foot bipeds with hands were well-suited to
  467. >lots of dusting up in those hard-to-reach corners
  468. >and popping open pickle jars
  469. >anyway, it's not like you had anything like regular working hours, so there won't be any nasty surprises for anyone in the morning
  470. >unless someone realizes Sombra is gone
  471. >fuck
  472. >why did you think it was a good idea to steal him again?
  473. >it's too late to put him back now of course
  474. >anyway, even if Starlight does tell Twilight about what happened, you still have one ironclad defense against discovery:
  475. >you never told her where you were going
  476. >actually, where are you going?
  477. >fuck, are there even any trains at the station at this time of night?
  478. >geez, you'd feel like such a faggot if you were still in town in the morning after the conversation you just had with Twilight's new star pupil
  479. >the station comes into view
  480. >and thank fuck
  481. >there's one train there
  482. >you can probably make it if you run
  483. >you make it into the station just as a conductor pony with massive sideburns calls out "All aboard!"
  484. >without bothering to check where the train is headed, you jog onboard and take a seat
  485. >you've got a nice, big, empty car to yourself
  486. >perfect
  487. >in a moment an attendant comes by to collect the train fare
  488. >you hand him some bits from your bag
  489. >and you drift off to sleep
  490.  
  491. ACT II: Stairs of Salt-Licks
  492. Part 1: So is This a Western Now?
  493.  
  494. >a sound like hissing coaxes you to wakefulness
  495. >you seem to be on some sort of trail
  496. >outside the windows you can see an arid, desert wasteland sliding by at a slowing pace
  497. >oh shit
  498. >you really did it now, huh?
  499. >the door to your cabin slides open
  500. >the conductor pony walks
  501. >"Sir, we are now reaching our last stop. I'm afraid you'll have to get off here."
  502. "Yeah, okay. Uh, where are we right now?"
  503. >"We're headed toward Picacholt, the westernmost town in Equestria."
  504. "Huh. I've never been out west before. You know anything about this place?"
  505. >"Not so much about the Picacho, sir, but I know a little bit about the area from when I tried my hoof at prospecting up in Marenberg."
  506. >he points at a muddy river flowing across the landscape
  507. >"You follow that river upstream from here maybe a day or so, that's where Marenberg is. And no. prospecting isn't very good in case you were wondering."
  508. >he points out another window
  509. >"Out a bit east you'll find Appleoosa. It's a fairly new town, and they're still having a few spats with buffalo folk. And out a bit northeast is Dodge Junction. Real good folk there. Real good cherry farming too."
  510. >finally, he gestures at the window behind you
  511. >"And way down south, sir, is Kluge City. Kluge isn't part of Equestria. I'd stay away if I were you. From what I've heard it's full of monsters. Er, no offense."
  512. >huh?
  513. >oh, right
  514. >you're not the dominant species in this world
  515. "None taken."
  516. >hissing turns to screeching
  517. >the train is slowing very quickly now
  518. >there's a little town made of simple wooden buildings outside
  519. >"Well, sir, this is your stop. Good luck in those gold fields!"
  520. >the train stops
  521. >you step onto the platform and are greeted with an ornery look from an elderly loafer with a bottle in his hoof
  522. >fuck man
  523. >you really don't have any sort of plan at all, do you?
  524.  
  525. >the town is full of sand and wooden buildings and ponies with cowboy hats
  526. >you do receive a good deal of funny looks
  527. >considering what the conductor pony said about the town full of monsters not too far from here, you're probably not the first unidentifiable creature these ponies have seen
  528. >considering the glares you're getting, they probably haven't had a lot of good experiences with unidentifiable creatures
  529. >you spot a building with the word "HOTEL" written on it in horse hieroglyphics and start heading toward it
  530. >you figure the first thing you want to do is establish a "home base" you can go to while you figure out what to do
  531. >also, Sombra probably wants out of your bag now
  532. >but before you can make it inside, the big stallions block your path
  533. >well, big by little pony standards anyway
  534. >these guys look like trouble
  535. >you can tell because their cowboy hats are black
  536. >the one in the middle, a fellow with a splotchy beige-and-brown coat and a big black mustache, speaks up first
  537. >"We don't cotton to freaks 'round these parts."
  538. >all right, Anon
  539. >act cool
  540. "Huh? Cotton? Nope, uh, no, no need for, uh, cottonning."
  541. >damnit
  542. >act cooler
  543. >"You makin' fun of me?"
  544. "No, no way, man. I'm just a, uh, traveler. Just passing through on my, you know, travels."
  545. >"Oh yeah?"
  546. "Yep."
  547. >"Why don't you travel your face into my hoof?"
  548. "What?"
  549. >"Taste the pain!"
  550. >before you know it, the pony before you has whirled around and is bucking his back hooves at you
  551. >you jump back and raise your hands
  552. >one of the hooves lands in your hand
  553. >your arm jerks violently at this, sending the evil cowboy pony tumbling to the ground
  554. >his henchponies are bristling
  555. >"You durned monster! You knocked down our pard!"
  556. "Now hang on a minute, it was an accident I-"
  557. >while the first henchpony was coming up in front of you, the second one apparently snuck up from behind
  558. >you trip over this second henchpony backing away from the first
  559. >the fallen henchpony lies dazed under your weight
  560. >your last opponent rears up over you and comes down as hard as he can
  561. >instinctively, your arms come up and take the brunt of the impact
  562. >and it hurts
  563. >your arms flail about, throwing the henchpony off of you and into the wall of the hotel
  564. >you scramble to your feel, hyperventilating and looking around rapidly
  565. >your panic is cut short by a hoof poking your leg
  566. >a yellow mare with a green mane is smiling slyly up at you with green eyes
  567. >"You look like you need a bed and some work, mister."
  568. "Uh, yeah. I guess so."
  569. >"You know, we usually don't like monsters 'round these parts, but if you promise to stand up to Piebald and his thugs like that every time they bother you, I'll let you come be a hand on my farm."
  570. "Who?"
  571. >the mare rolls her eyes
  572. >"The bad guys you just beat up."
  573. "What? Beat up? I just… oh."
  574. >seeing the three groaning desperados on the ground, it does in fact seem that you have beaten them up
  575. >advantages of being a six-foot biped who's spent the past year working out with one of Equestria's top athletes you suppose
  576. >that and being a fucking awkward klutz
  577. "Uh, yeah, sure. I can do that."
  578. >"Sounds good. I'm sure my brother'll let you work for us after he hears what you did here. My name's Apple Fritter, by the way."
  579. "I'm Anonymous."
  580.  
  581. Part 2: Stallion's Work
  582.  
  583. >Apple Fritter smirks
  584. >"I know."
  585. "What?"
  586. >"I go up to Ponyville all the time, Mr. Nonermous. I dunno if you've noticed, but you're kinda hard to miss."
  587. "Well, yeah, I guess."
  588. >"Come walk with me, Mr. Nonermous. We'll see if we can't start puttin' bits in your pocket today."
  589. "Sounds like a scam."
  590. >"Ain't no scam, just good hard work."
  591. >the two of you make your way through Picacholt
  592. >folks roll their eyes and shake their heads when they see you
  593. >it's better than ornery glares you guess
  594. >why does she keep bumping into your legs?
  595. >"So, Mr. Nonermous, what brings you from Ponyville to our little corner of the country?"
  596. "Just seeing the world, I guess."
  597. >"Oh? Not here looking for gold?"
  598. "I wasn't planning on it. Is there a lot of gold in this area? The conductor on the train was talking about it too."
  599. >"Not so much anymore. Or at least, there ain't hardly no ponies looking for it anymore. The river here was popular with panners, but all it's good for now is watering my apple trees. I think there were a few mines in the plains outside of town when I was little, but I don't hear about those anymore."
  600. "Huh."
  601. >"'Course, we let farmhands go panning in the part of the river on our property for free. There's probably a few flecks still floating around."
  602. "Nice benefits. How's your dental plan?"
  603. >"We'll knock you out with a shovel and use a little hoof-drill to fix any cavities you get."
  604. "Whoah, geez, really?"
  605. >Apple Fritter scoffs
  606. >"No. Who ever heard of dentists in the wild west?"
  607. "Now that you mention it, I guess I sure haven't."
  608. >you're stepping into a field lined with rows and rows of apple trees
  609. >"Here we are. Hi, Dismule!"
  610. >a magnanimous-looking mule waves at Apple Fritter from under the bushel of apples on his back
  611. >Apple Fritter whispers confidentially to you
  612. >"That's Dismule. Mind that you don't call him a mule, 'cause he's a burro. That's 'donkey' for eastern folks like yourself."
  613. >ah
  614. >a magnanimous-looking burro waves at Apple Fritter, then
  615. >"Oh, and there's Jonagold outside the barn right now."
  616. >a big stallion the same colors as Apple Fritter is bucking an apple tree, the same way you've seen Applejack do
  617. >Apple Fritter hollers and waves at him
  618. >you can hear his exhasperated groan from yards away
  619. >he makes his way over
  620. >"Apple Fritter, what's this?"
  621. >"Big brother, meet Anonymous. He wants to work on our farm."
  622. >Jonagold sighs
  623. >"You know I don't like monsters on the farm Apple Fritter."
  624. >"He's from Ponyville, not Kluge. I don't think he's actually monster-folk. Besides, he already beat up Piebald for me."
  625. >the change in Jonagold is pretty sudden
  626. >really, he goes from "annoyed older brother" to "friendly country bro" just like that
  627. >"Is that right? You whipped Piebald?"
  628. "Uh, yeah. I guess I did."
  629. >it's true
  630. >but he doesn't need to know how exactly you pulled that off
  631. >"Shoot. Well…"
  632. >Apple Fritter is giving her brother a wide, toothy smile and nodding
  633. >Jonagold shakes his head
  634. >"Well all right. Those claws of yours look like they'd be pretty good with a quill. I could always use an accountant."
  635. >hold the fuck up
  636. >did he just say 'accountant'?
  637.  
  638. "Uh, accountant?"
  639. >"Yeah. You know, the feller who does the paperwork and the mathematics and all that."
  640. "I know what it is, I just…"
  641. >"What?"
  642. "It doesn't really feel like the kind of job you apply for at a farm in the wild west."
  643. >"Oh? Hoping for some stallion's work then, huh?"
  644. "Yeah… Yeah. I think I was hoping for some stallion's work."
  645. >or 'man's work', considering your species
  646. >but now's not the time for autism
  647. >"Well, you came from Ponyville, right?"
  648. "Yeah."
  649. >"And where were you before that?"
  650. >that's always a complicated question for you to answer
  651. >assuming that Twilight's theories of distant planets and alternate realities aren't what Jonagold wants to hear, the best way to word it is probably…
  652. "Well, it was a city, I guess."
  653. >"Wasn't Kluge, was it?"
  654. "No. Never been there. Never even heard of it before today."
  655. >"Well, working in the desert is gonna be a lot harder than anything you've ever done before. I don't know if-"
  656. "I'll be fine."
  657. >"Well, there is one job that needs doing."
  658. >Apple Fritter whines
  659. >"Jonagold, why you always gotta-"
  660. >"Quiet you. Go buck some apples or something."
  661. >Apple Fritter sighs and trots off
  662. >you're really not sure what's going on
  663.  
  664. >down by the river
  665. >there is what appears to be an old-fashioned well pump
  666. >except instead of a well, it seems to draw from the river
  667. >and instead of pouring the water out of a spigot, the pump is connected to pipes which go under the sand
  668. >the big heavy cast-iron handle looks about normal though
  669. >"Well, Nonermous, this is the job. This here pump fills up ditches near the apple trees with water from the river. If you're up for it, I could use a body to pump this thing til sunset."
  670. "Uh, yeah, I can do that."
  671. >"You sure? It's a tough job."
  672. "That should be fine."
  673. >"Last feller we had on the pump went and keeled over. He's in a hospital up in Marenberg right now."
  674. >is the sun just a little bit hotter?
  675. >or is that just the desert?
  676. >damnit, you didn't get to where you are in life by pussying out
  677. >though to be fair, you're not exactly feeling like a success story right now
  678. "W-well, uh, it's gotta be done, or no apples, right?"
  679. >"That's a good attitude, Nonermous. Why don't you give her a few pumps, just to see how you like it?"
  680. >the iron is hot
  681. >it goes down with some moderate effort
  682. >it comes back up easier
  683. >"Yeah, that's it. Build a little speed up, it'll be easier that way."
  684. >the resistance does indeed feel lessened when you quicken the pace
  685. >"That's good, I can hear the water going through the pipes right now. How do you like that?"
  686. "Yeah, that's fine. I think I can do this."
  687. >"Good, good. I'll be back to check on you at sunset. If you get a little hot, feel free to use a little water from the river."
  688.  
  689. Part 3: Down by the River
  690.  
  691. >the sun is low in the sky
  692. >you're pretty sure you're going to die if you spend five more minutes working this pump
  693. >fortunately, you've spent the past two minutes watching Apple Fritter casually make her way toward the river
  694. >she looks about two seconds away from smugging at you
  695. >and that should help you get through these next twenty minutes or so before the sun finishes setting
  696. >"Hey, Mr. Nonermous."
  697. "Yup."
  698. >"How are you still working that thing?"
  699. "Dunno."
  700. >"My big brother told me to go check on you. Said if you were still pumping I could keep you."
  701. "Neat."
  702. >"You wanna stop?"
  703. "I really fucking wanna stop."
  704. >"Go ahead."
  705. >the sound you make is something like a zombie getting assraped and enjoying it way too much
  706. >you fall to your knees
  707. >Apple Fritter's perpetual smirk falters and fails for the first time in the whole afternoon since you met her
  708. >it'll be a couple of hours before you realize that her little frown is pretty cute
  709. >you're just too tired to make that kind of judgement right now
  710. >Apple Fritter dips her foreleg into the muddy water and carresses your forehead with her wet pony fuzz
  711. >"Sun above, Mr. Nonermous, you're hot!"
  712. "Yeah. It's pretty hot out."
  713. >"Why didn't you just take off all those clothes?"
  714. "Not really appropriate for my species."
  715. >the smirk is back
  716. >"You ain't among your kind."
  717. "I'd probably get sunburned."
  718. >she does the scrunchy thing
  719. >but with a smile instead of a frown
  720. >this is the first time you've ever seen that
  721. >"Sun's about to go down."
  722. >seriously
  723. >you're actually not going to realize what she's doing til the middle of the night tonight
  724. >it won't keep you up or anything because you're really fucking tired
  725. >but you're going to be really uncomfortable for about a minute
  726. >but for now
  727. "Eh."
  728. >"Well at least take off that shirt. And lay down, here, right by the river. I'll splash some water on you."
  729. "That sounds nice."
  730. >you remember how it took you the better part of six months to get Rarity to make something resembling a t-shirt for you
  731. >it was a big improvement over the goofy, puffy pirate shirts she gave you when you first arrived
  732. >you're not normally one to knock free shit
  733. >but the "plain tax" Rarity made you pay in addition to the price of the materials in labor was well worth it
  734. >especially today
  735. >but the shirt comes off and gets flung somewhere in the sand
  736. >and you obediently lay your head at Apple Fritter's hooves
  737. >Apple Fritter's ever-present smirk goes away again
  738. >and there's a gentle little smile instead
  739. >she lays down on her belly by your head
  740. >dunks her foreleg into the water
  741. >and pushes a cool wave of water over your body
  742. >an involuntary noise escapes your lips
  743. >Apple Fritter harrumphs
  744. >but in a nice way
  745. >"Like that?"
  746. "Yup."
  747. >"Have another."
  748. >and another wave comes
  749. >and another
  750. >and another
  751. >eventually the task of a complete sentence seems easy enough
  752. "Hey Apple Fritter."
  753. >"Mm hm."
  754. "I've been wondering, didn't you say there's gold in this river?"
  755. >"Yeah, there's a little. Why, thinking of trying out panning?"
  756. "No. No, that's not it. It's just, isn't gold poisonous?"
  757. >"Oh yeah. Nothing poisons a nice colt's mind or heart more than lusting for gold."
  758. >geez
  759. >she took a darker interpretation of that than you intended
  760. "Yeah, there's that, but I mean, like, to eat."
  761. >"Oh. Yeah, that's true too. What about it?"
  762. "Is it okay to be watering apple trees with it?"
  763. >Apple Fritter blinks
  764. >"I dunno. Not really a problem either way though."
  765. >she dunks her hoof in the water and reaches around
  766. >when it comes back up, it's holding a simple wire mesh coated with sediment
  767. >"We got a filter so the pump don't get clogged."
  768. "Oh. That's probably wise."
  769. >"Yep. It can be fun too."
  770. "Oh?"
  771. >Apple Fritter brushes the caked dirt off of the filter and grins
  772. >"Mm hm. Because sometimes…"
  773. >she gently pokes at something with the tip of her hoof
  774. >"You get lucky."
  775. >and wipes it off on your chest
  776. >there you see a little dot of sparkling metal
  777. >"Keep that. It's compensation."
  778. "Don't I get paid for this in bits?"
  779. >"Not for the work. For Jonagold messing with you."
  780. "Messing with me?"
  781. >"He does this to every boy I take home."
  782. >no, really
  783. >this statement won't mean anything to you for a number of hours
  784. "Does what?"
  785. >"See that wheel turning in the water over there?"
  786. "Yeah."
  787. >"That's something my pa thought up when I was little."
  788. "I was kind of wondering what it was for."
  789. >"I don't even know how he got it disconnected before you got here. Must have signaled to one of his pards or something."
  790. "What does it do, Apple Fritter."
  791. >"There's a little pole, we stick one end on the wheel and the other end on the pump handle."
  792. "Oh geez."
  793. >"It pumps the water all by itself."
  794. >you groan
  795. >"If it makes you feel any better, you're the first boy to pass his test. He'll probably hook it back up tomorrow and have you do something else."
  796. >you sigh
  797. "Well, that's good, I guess."
  798.  
  799. Part 4: Daily Life of Cowponies
  800.  
  801. >the next morning seems to confirm that you have in fact been shit-tested
  802. >Jonagold stops you outside of the workers' barracks in the morning
  803. >"Hey there, Nonermous, I got good news for ya."
  804. "Yeah?"
  805. >"I got the water wheel working."
  806. "Oh? What's that mean?"
  807. >Jonagold chuckles
  808. >"It means ya ain't gotta pump water no more. I got a better job for ya if you're interested."
  809. "I'm interested."
  810. >"I been thinking about those claws of yours. What with you being so tall, I figured we could put em to good use."
  811. "Not quills?"
  812. >"No, no, not quills. That was just me funning with you, Nonermous. I got stallion's work for ya! Er, uh, monster's- no, wait, you're not really monster-folk. What exactly are you, again?"
  813. "We call ourselves humans."
  814. >"'Human', huh? Ain't never heard of it, but I reckon y'all have a word for the male-types."
  815. "Yeah, uh, that'd be 'man'."
  816. >"Aw, this is gonna sound great. Then it's man's work I got for ya, Mr. Nonermous. 'Cause us pony-folk don't have those claws like you do."
  817. >Jonagold takes you to a grove on the far side of the orchard
  818. >"There! These, Mr. Nonermous, are the finest apples on the farm. Can't you just see the quality already?"
  819. "Well, no."
  820. >"Heh, you will. All the other apples in these orchards are gonna get bucked outta their trees. They'll end up on the ground, all bruised up and dirty. But not these ones. You're gonna pick these ones with your claws, and gently place em in that there basket Dismule is carrying."
  821. >whoah
  822. >where did he come from?
  823. >the magnanimous burro waves at you
  824. >"Mornin'"
  825. >Jonagold grins
  826. >"And then I'll sell em for twice the price."
  827. >Jonagold swings his hat and does a little cowboy yell, and then trots off to leave you to your job
  828. >and for the next couple weeks
  829. >that's what you do, from sunup to sundown
  830.  
  831. >it's nightfall
  832. >you've been meaning to do this
  833. >but the workers' barracks is just too crowded
  834. >this is a matter of some privacy
  835. >no, you're not going to masturbate, faggot
  836. >with your bag, you make your way into the grove you and Dismule are working on
  837. >at this time of night, you're completely alone, and completely hidden
  838. >you take it out of the bag
  839. >or, him, technically
  840. >Sombra growls as soon as you take him out of the bag
  841. >"GRRRAAAARRGGHHH! TWO DAYS IN BAG!"
  842. "Yeah, I know, I know. Look, man, I'm not really in a situation where I can just have you out in the open most of the time."
  843. >you explain what the deal is to Sombra
  844. >the wild west
  845. >the fight outside the hotel
  846. >the apple farm
  847. >the workers' barracks you're sharing with about a dozen other farmhands
  848. >Sombra grumbles
  849. >"Get hotel room."
  850. "You know that costs money, right?"
  851. >"How much you make?"
  852. "About twelve bits every day. Why?"
  853. >and then you're horrified
  854. >the crystal glows blood red, and a window through space appears in the air
  855. >it's showing you a sign on the local hotel, detailing prices
  856. >and then it closes
  857. >"Room is 12 bits per night."
  858. "Holy shitniggers, you can still do magic?"
  859. >Sombra grunts to the affirmative
  860. >"But no hurt you. Have tried."
  861. "Gee, that's good I guess."
  862. >"Get hotel room. 12 bits."
  863. "Fuck, man, that's my whole wage. What am I gonna do for food? Or to save up for when I leave this place?"
  864. >"Gold quartz outside of town. Can smell from here."
  865. "Is that the same thing as gold? Apple Fritter told me there wasn't much gold in these parts anymore."
  866. >Sombra glares at you
  867. >"Is quartz... with gold in. I know crystal, I smell lots."
  868. "I don't know the first thing about mining for gold, you know."
  869. >"No more bag!"
  870. >fuck
  871. >it'd be a pretty dick move to get him trapped in that crystal, and then trap the crystal in a bag too
  872. "All right, all right, I'll get a room tomorrow."
  873.  
  874. >Apple Fritter has elected to come with you to pick out your room
  875. >"You ain't got enough sense to head out into town on your own, Mr. Nonermous. You need me."
  876. "How could you possibly know that? I've only been here for like two and a half days."
  877. >"Mare's intuition. Also, you've only been here for like two and a half days."
  878. "How hard could it possibly be?"
  879. >"Hey, Apple Fritter!"
  880. >Apple Fitter reflexively sticks her snoot way up in the air
  881. >"Speak of the devil..."
  882. >it's Piebald
  883. >"Apple Fritter! Are you still keeping that monster around? You could do better than that!"
  884. >Apple Fritter's response consists solely of a haughty harrumph
  885. >Piebald growls
  886. >"Hey you monster! What are you still doingt in my town? I thought I drove you out!"
  887. "Why would you think that?"
  888. >"Cause I whupped your hide, that's why!"
  889. "But that isn't what happened at all."
  890. >"Oh yeah? You wannna rematch?"
  891. "I mean, not particularl- whoah!"
  892. >Apple Fritter pushes your butt with her head and marches you away from the evil cowboy pony
  893. >"Yeah, you better run!"
  894. >Apple Fritter briskly leads you into the hotel and glares at you
  895. >"Are you sure you wouldn't just rather live on the farm? Living out in town you're gonna have to deal with that every day."
  896. "Look, I can't live in the barracks. I have... reasons."
  897. >"Is this about your clothes wierdness?"
  898. "Uh... yeah. I'm just not really comfortable getting dressed with everyone around and whatnot."
  899. >Apple Fritter sighs
  900. >"You really oughtta get over that."
  901. >you scratch your head
  902. "Eh, maybe eventually."
  903. >Apple Fritter switches to smug mode
  904. >"I could just let you sleep with me in my room, you know."
  905. "Yeah... no."
  906. >the pony at the check-in desk clears her throat
  907. >"Excuse me, are you two here to rent a room, or not?"
  908. >you pick out a room pretty quickly
  909. >they're all western-themed, so it doesn't make much difference to you
  910. >Apple Fritter insists on staying to chat for a few minutes
  911. >so you ask her what she knows about gold mining
  912. >"Yeah, you're gonna need a little extra change what with this dumb hotel room. Talk to Dismule, far as I know he's the only one in town still looking for gold."
  913.  
  914. >you're up in the tree, picking apples and handing them down to Dismule's basket
  915. "Uh, hey Dismule."
  916. >"Yup?"
  917. "I heard you do a little gold mining. I was wondering if there was anything you could tell me."
  918. >the old burro's ears perk all the way up
  919. >"Sure, I'll tell ya anything you wanna know. Heck, I'll do more'n that. You wanna head out with me after workin' hours is done, I'll show ya!"
  920.  
  921. >"Awright, Noner... Anoner..."
  922. >Dismule scratches his head
  923. >"Hey pard, ya got a nickname or somesuch?"
  924. "Yeah, folks in Ponyville called me Anon."
  925. >"Anawn... Awright. Well Anawn, the sun's looking low in the sky. Seems to me like workin' hours is done. When d'you wanna head outta town to look for a lil gold?"
  926. "I'm ready to go now if you are."
  927. >"No ya ain't. Whar's your canteen? Ya cain't head inna the desert without a canteen."
  928. "Oh, sure, that makes sense. I can run to the general store and get one."
  929. >"Mmm, do that, and get yourself a stick too. Last fella like you that I knew never went outta town without one."
  930. "Hang on. You've met someone else... like me?"
  931. >"Sure I have. I been wandering this wasteland for near forty years now. Ya ain't the first friendly monster-fella I ever met, and the last one I knew always told me that two legs just ain't enough for desert wandering."
  932. "So, did he look like me? Or did he just walk on two legs?"
  933. >"Aw, naw, Anawn. Far as I know, none of you monster-folk look alike. Why? Did ya meet a fella who looked like you down in Kluge once?"
  934. "I've never been to Kluge. I'm not actually a monster."
  935. >"Izzat right? Wal, we'll have to chat a bit out on the plains. But for now, go and get yourself a stick and a canteen, and meet me back here."
  936. >you and Dismule won't end up finding anything tonight
  937. >but the old burro will prove a good and educational companion
  938. >and you'll agree to help him mine again tomorrow night
  939.  
  940. Part 5: The Telegram
  941.  
  942. >it's been five days since you've arrived in Picacholt
  943. >Sombra is watching you finger your first gold nugget
  944. >it's not big
  945. >but if you find something like this on a regular basis you'll eventually have enough bits to...
  946. >well, your meager savings will grow somewhat
  947. >Dismule's dream of travelling the world in luxury and settling down in a castle in Canterlot as the richest burro in Equestria is fairly well-fleshed out
  948. >but it's not really something that you want for yourself
  949. >largely because he's been at this for forty years
  950. >but also...
  951. >it's weird, just a few years ago the idea of being wealthy enough to NEET it up in luxury would have sounded great to you
  952. >maybe the time you've already spent as a NEET had something to do with this change of heart
  953. >even though it was hardly "in luxury"
  954. >but there's also...
  955. >well, the travelling part sounds all right, in theory
  956. >it doesn't need to be in a fancy cruise liner or anything
  957. >but you do have a vague idea of hopping onto a train to some other part of Equestria at some point
  958. >you'll at least need enough bits for securing food and shelter when you get there, as well as enough for another train ticket in case you need to go in a hurry
  959. >you're honestly more or less content in Picacholt for right now though
  960. >you look up when you realize that your door is emitting a mysterious knocking sound
  961. >Sombra gets tossed into a cabinet
  962. >upon opening the door, you realize that the cause of the mysterious knocking sound is none other than Apple Fritter
  963. >she's been here every night since you started staying here
  964. >the yellow apple horse trots in past you
  965. >grabs a bottle of cider out of your fridge
  966. >hops onto your couch
  967. >sprawls out
  968. >and smugs at you
  969. "Gee Fritter, come on in, make yourself at home, want anything to drink?"
  970. >"Aw, thanks, Mr. Nonermous, you big sweetie, you."
  971. >you grab a bottle of cider from the fridge yourself
  972. "Scooch over, I'm sitting down now."
  973. >Apple Fritter dutifully pulls herself up into a sitting position
  974. >but as soon as you sit down, she flings herself across your lap
  975. "Well, Apple Fritter, what brings you here tonight?"
  976. >she takes a big sip from her cider
  977. >from her laying down position, she dribbles a lot of it directly onto your legs
  978. >"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh..."
  979. >she belches loudly and wipes her snoot with her foreleg
  980. >"I'm afraid it ain't a completely social call tonight."
  981. "I get the feeling you would've visited anyway."
  982. >"True. My big brother said if I got to seven nights in a row he'd dye his mane purple."
  983. "Really?"
  984. >"No."
  985. >you groan
  986. >but it was almost a funny joke
  987. "What do you want, Apple Fritter?"
  988. >"Mmmm... I got a telegram from my cousin today."
  989. "Okay."
  990. >"It was about you, Nonermous."
  991. "Huh? Who's your cousin?"
  992. >Fritter glares at you for a second
  993. >then she gives you a blank smile
  994. >"Hi, Mr. Nonermous. My name's ''Apple'' Fritter. I run an ''apple'' farm with my brother. I've seen you before because I visit ''Ponyville'' on the regular."
  995. >suddenly, Apple Fritter's charm is lost on you
  996. >did it just get hotter in here?
  997. >or colder?
  998. "Applejack."
  999. >"Mm-hm."
  1000. >oh fuck
  1001. >oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
  1002. "What did it say?"
  1003. >"Oh, it just said to watch out for a big, monster-looking fellow who calls himself "Anonymous", and to let Applejack know if I saw him. I'm pretty sure she sent these out to the whole Apple Family."
  1004. "How big is the Apple Family?"
  1005. >"We've got a farm or two in pretty much every region in Equestria."
  1006. "Oh geez, there's nowhere I can run, is there?"
  1007. >"What are you even running from?"
  1008. >uh
  1009. >that's a tough question to answer
  1010. >you suppose there's technically a quick and easy answer to this
  1011. >but it really doesn't sound like a big deal when you try to put it into words
  1012. >fuck
  1013. >is there a cop-out you can use to both evade the question and make her stop wondering?
  1014. >you're pretty sure you're sweating now
  1015. >is this whole thing just a big overreaction?
  1016. >"Lemme guess."
  1017. >oh thank fuck
  1018. >"I can see it now, Mr. Nonermous. You and Applejack."
  1019. "Huh?"
  1020. >"It's a barnyard romance."
  1021. "No."
  1022. >"You find out she's gonna be the mother of your foal!"
  1023. "Stop."
  1024. >"So you run away to escape the responsibility, but along the way you find yourself!"
  1025. >in spite of yourself, you fail to suppress a lone chuckle
  1026. >"And in the end you come back just in time to witness the birth of your first child! And then you make sweet love to Applejack, the love of your life! And-"
  1027. "Stop! Stop stop stop stop. Can you honestly imagine that? ''Applejack'' getting caught up in moonlight serenades?"
  1028. >Fritter giggles
  1029. >"Nope. She's way too uptight."
  1030. "Yeah she is."
  1031. >"Anyway, I had a feeling you wouldn't want me to tell AJ about you, so I didn't show the telegram to Jonagold."
  1032. "Holy shit thank you so much."
  1033. >"Mmm, that's what friends are for, Mr. Nonermous. But it'll cost you."
  1034. "Oh geez. What do you want?"
  1035. >Fritter stretches out and yawns
  1036. >"I'm gonna spend the night here tonight, Mr. Nonermous."
  1037. "Oh, sure. You can take the bed, I'll just use the couch. That's fine."
  1038. >"Nope! You're gonna snuggle with me!"
  1039. "Wait now hang on a sec-"
  1040. >Fritter nuzzles her face into your belly
  1041. >"Yep... snuggle..."
  1042. >she takes in a deep breath
  1043. >and lets it out
  1044. >and
  1045. >holy fuck
  1046. >she's already snoring
  1047. >well
  1048. >that's okay
  1049. >now if you can just wriggle into a lying-down position without waking her up...
  1050.  
  1051. Part 6: The Salt Lick
  1052.  
  1053. >"Nonermous! What in the world are you doing up there?"
  1054. >you look down from the tree, an apple in one hand and a basket in the other
  1055. >Jonagold and Dismule are staring up at you
  1056. "Well, I'm working."
  1057. >"Working?! On a Sunday?!"
  1058. "Uh, am I not supposed to do that?"
  1059. >"No you ain't s'posed to work on a Sunday! You're s'posed to relax!"
  1060. >Dismule chuckles
  1061. >"Din't'cha wonder whar I was, pard?"
  1062. "Well, a little bit."
  1063. >Jonagold stomps
  1064. >"Come down outta that tree! You been working all day? Heck, it's near sunset already!"
  1065. >gracelessly, yet painlessly, you fall out of the tree
  1066. >"C'mon, Nonermous. Let's get these baskets inna the barn. Then, I'm gonna show you how folks have fun round these parts!"
  1067. "How do folks have fun around these parts?"
  1068. >"The Salt Lick!"
  1069.  
  1070. >the Salt Lick, apparently, is a sort of tavern at the peak of the hill that gives Picacholt its name
  1071. >and its name, apparently, is derived from what folks go there to do:
  1072. >lick salt
  1073. >with a few added minerals and spices of course
  1074. >they are horses, after all
  1075. >Jonagold takes a big lap at the salt block sitting on his plate
  1076. >"Awwww, that's real good stuff."
  1077. >Dismule is taking noisy bites out of his own salt block
  1078. >Jonagold goes in for another lick
  1079. >"Yee-ayy-yee! That's a good strong salt lick right there."
  1080. >your own salt lick goes untouched
  1081. >"Nonermous, ain't ya gonna eat your salt?"
  1082. "Yeah, uh, let me just..."
  1083. >you take the block into your hands
  1084. >and lick it
  1085. >and you drop the block
  1086. >and scream
  1087. >holy fuckcunters, that fucking burns!
  1088. >you knew it wasn't going to be pure salt
  1089. >but holy shit what is in these things?
  1090. >Jonagold chortles
  1091. >"Hey now, drink some water, ya big lightweight."
  1092. >that you do, and greedily too
  1093. >"Why don't you take a break for a little while, Nonermous?"
  1094. "Yeah. Sure."
  1095. >"Good. Try and keep your composure now, our friends are watching."
  1096. >you look in the direction Jonagold is gesturing in
  1097. >it's Piebald, talking with some other ponies and pointing at you
  1098. "Oh, geez, what does he want now?"
  1099. >"Probably just wants to tell his pards what a big dumb monster you are. I doubt if he'll start any trouble tonight."
  1100. "You sure?"
  1101. >"Yeah. But now's as good a time as any to point out one friend of his in particular for your benefit. You see that fella over there with the big black mustache?"
  1102. "Uh huh."
  1103. >"That there's Collishaw Cueball, our sherrif, and the only reason Piebald don't get in trouble for all the trouble he causes."
  1104. "The sherrif is crooked?"
  1105. >"The crookedest."
  1106. "That's not good."
  1107. >"No, it ain't good. But as long as you work for me, he won't try anything with you."
  1108. "What do you mean?"
  1109. >"Well shoot, with the gold miners all gone, my apple farm's the only thing keeping this town alive. Cueball knows it, and he knows that I know he knows it. Worst thing I could do to him is pack up and move in with my cousins in Appleoosa, and pretty soon after that there wouldn't be no more Picacholt for our poor sherrif to bully."
  1110. "Oh, well that's good."
  1111. >"What I'm getting at, Mr. Nonermous, is that I got your back. You ain't gotta worry about Piebald's trouble making keeping you from getting close to my sister."
  1112. "Huh?"
  1113. >"Well you must have noticed that Piebald is into Apple Fritter by now."
  1114. >well
  1115. >actually
  1116. >you hadn't noticed
  1117. >but it sort of makes sense when you think about it
  1118. "Uh, sure, but, what made you think I was into Apple Fritter?"
  1119. >"Well, shoot, there was the way she dragged you home, the fact that she's gone and visited you every night since you moved into that hotel room, and then there's that she went and stayed the whole night with you yesterday."
  1120. "Hey, we didn't, you know-"
  1121. >"Naw, it's fine, I don't mind."
  1122. "No, I mean, we really didn't... Would you actually be okay with that?"
  1123. >"Well, as your pard, I'd warn you that Fritter is a bit of a wildcat, but as her big brother... you're a swell fella, Mr. Nonermous. You're respectful, hard-working, and you can handle yourself in a fight. As long as there's some sorta magic you can use to put full-blooded pony foals in her, I wouldn't mind."
  1124. "Jeez, I've only known your sister all of six days. I'm not thinking about 'putting foals' in her yet."
  1125. >"Wouldn't be unwise to. Out here in the desert, life can be short. And youth's even shorter."
  1126.  
  1127. Part 7: Darkstar the Peg-Horned
  1128.  
  1129. >"You know this water is magic, right?"
  1130. "Really?"
  1131. >you've been in Picacholt for thirteen days
  1132. >on this particular Sunday, you're down at the river
  1133. >feet in the water
  1134. >and a pretty pony named Apple Fritter laying in the sand beside you
  1135. >she's tracing circles in the water with her hoof
  1136. >"Sure is."
  1137. "Well it's certainly nice water. I don't see what's so magical about it though."
  1138. >"Mr. Nonermous, don't you know anything about apples?"
  1139. "Are you about to tell me about apples?"
  1140. >"I'm about to tell you about apples."
  1141. "All right, what about apples?"
  1142. >"In most parts of the world, apples only grow in the fall."
  1143. "All right."
  1144. >"It's spring."
  1145. "I'm following you, I promise. So the apples are growing right now because there's magic in the water."
  1146. >"Yep. The apples grow year round here in Picacholt. With the gold miners moved on, that's the only way this town could survive now."
  1147. "All right. But why is the water magic?"
  1148. >"There's a story my daddy used to tell me. A little ways up north of here, this river flows through the mountain lair of an old and famous wizard."
  1149. "A wizard?"
  1150. >"Darkstar the Peg-Horned. See, a long time ago, there wasn't no law in these parts. I mean, it was worse than it is now."
  1151. >"The Princess and her sister hadn't come to Equestria yet, and Equestria hadn't come to the desert yet. They say the three tribes were just starting to come together, way out to the northeast, when this story happened."
  1152. >"There were ponies who came to settle here in those days to escape the bad winters caused by the feuding tribes. Here, folks put aside their differences and came together to survive. It was hard living, but to ponies who were sick of freezing, it was good living."
  1153. >"But the desert can turn good folks mean, same then as it is now. Darkstar was a powerful unicorn who took to taking what he wanted with his magic. The west's first outlaw."
  1154. >"'Cept, one day, he took something he shouldn't have tried to take. He kidnapped a sheriff's daughter. It was a two day walk from that town to his secret mountain lair, and Darkstar thought he'd be just fine when he tied up his prize and went to sleep under the stars that night."
  1155. >"But Darkstar didn't know that the filly's daddy the sheriff had been tracking them all day, and when he finally caught up..."
  1156. >Apple Fritter stomps her hoof into the sand as hard as she can
  1157. >"Wham! He snapped Darkstar's horn clean off. Darkstar woke up and ran off to the mountains. The sheriff untied his daughter and figured he'd seen the last of Darkstar the outlaw, but he was wrong."
  1158. >"They say he made a new horn for himself outta stone and nailed it to the base of his old one. Real smart fella, somehow it worked. They say even the Princess never figured out how to copy him."
  1159. >"He went crazy after that, and he cast all kinds of weird spells in the mountains. All the towns from those days are gone, except for Somnabula, but Darkstar's magic is still up there, keeping the wild west wild."
  1160. "Huh"
  1161. >you stroke your chin in thought
  1162. "But wouldn't that mean your apples are evil?"
  1163. >Apple Fritter pushes you into the river
  1164.  
  1165. Part 8: Days and Weeks Go By
  1166.  
  1167. >day 18 in Picacholt
  1168. >you and Dismule are done with the grove Jonagold set you to work at
  1169. >and now he's set you to work at another
  1170. >Apple Fritter is on the ground chatting with you and Dismule
  1171. >"Piebald proposed to me again today."
  1172. "You say yes?"
  1173. >a pair of yellow hooves crashes into the trunk of the tree you're sitting in, very nearly shaking you from your perch
  1174. >a number of apples fall to the ground though
  1175. "Hey careful now, you'll bruise the apples!"
  1176. >"I'll bruise your apple!"
  1177. "Geez, why the hate? What's wrong with Piebald?"
  1178. >"Beyond that he's ugly and stupid? It ain't really me that he's after."
  1179. "Oh?"
  1180. >"It's the farm. If Piebald ever got a hold of it it'd be as good as in the hooves of Collishaw Cueball."
  1181. "That wouldn't be good."
  1182. >"No, it wouldn't. But I'm worried once they figure out their plans to ''woo'' me won't work they'll try something worse."
  1183. "Like what?"
  1184. >Apple Fritter sighs
  1185. >"I dunno."
  1186.  
  1187. >night 21 in Picacholt
  1188. >Dismule came down with a coughing fit after work today
  1189. >you decided to take Sombra out on your nightly expedition instead
  1190. >he's always talking about all the mineral wealth he can smell out in the plains
  1191. >you figure he'll appreciate the night out
  1192. >besides, it's only fair that he contributes anyway, since he's the reason you're paying for that hotel room
  1193. >you have, of course, acquired your own tools by now, so borrowing from Dismule isn't an issue
  1194. >Sombra's nose has taken you pretty far out
  1195. >farther than you've ever gone with Dismule anyway
  1196. >and finally
  1197. "You want me to go into that dark, spooky cave?"
  1198. >"Gold quartz inside. Gemstones too"
  1199. "At the base of these mountains where an ancient magical outlaw was rumored to have conduncted unnatural sorcery?"
  1200. >"Technically, I am ancient magical outlaw who conducted unnatural sorcery."
  1201. "Yeah but you're not scary."
  1202. >Sombra growls
  1203. "Yeah all right I'll go in the freaking cave. You can light up that crystal, right?"
  1204. >with a neat little whirr, Sombra's crystal goes on like a lightbulb
  1205. "All right, I'm going in. You'd better not steal my kidneys."
  1206. >down down into the depths of the earth
  1207. >no sooner do you take a twist that obscures the cave entrance than you stumble upon a chamber lined with gems that sparkle in Sombra's crystal-light
  1208. "Geez, you weren't kidding."
  1209. >"Gold further down."
  1210. "That's fine. It's a long walk back to town; I'll just fill up my bag here. Hopefully we'll be back in time to get five hours of sleep."
  1211. >you position your rock hammer over the nearest ruby
  1212. >Sombra's silence is kind of weirding you out for some reason
  1213. "You all right?"
  1214. >Sombra grunts
  1215. >"Beautiful."
  1216. "What, the cave?"
  1217. >"Crystals."
  1218. >you pause a moment
  1219. >"Yeah."
  1220. >and you begin your harvest
  1221. >but you stoop down to the floor and take the gemstones from the bottom
  1222. >there's more than enough on the floor alone to fill up your bag
  1223. >and the walls and roof really are just too pretty to maim
  1224. >when your bag is about half full, you stop mining for some reason
  1225. >you look at the shadow beyond Sombra's light, deeper into the bowels of the earth
  1226. "Huh."
  1227. >"Hm?"
  1228. "Nothing."
  1229.  
  1230. >still night 21
  1231. >soon to be the morning of day 22 though
  1232. >as you come into town, a figure waits under a lonely streetlamp
  1233. >and by streetlamp, you mean a jar full of lightning bugs sitting on top of a pole
  1234. >Equestria is so quaint sometimes
  1235. "What are you still doing up this late, Miss Apple Fritter?"
  1236. >"Just waiting for my favorite two-legged critter."
  1237. "Yeah? Hope he gets here soon."
  1238. >"Oh, he just showed up. I'm still trying to think of the best way to tell him something important."
  1239. "What's that?"
  1240. >"There's a crooked sheriff waiting for him in his home."
  1241. >hell
  1242. "I was really hoping you had something a little more fun to say."
  1243. >"Nope. Wanna go say hello?"
  1244. "Don't really have a choice, now do I?"
  1245. >"Nope. Got a gun on ya?"
  1246. "Huh?"
  1247. >"What?"
  1248. "There are guns in Equestria?"
  1249. >"Uh... yeah?"
  1250. >geez
  1251. >sometimes Equestria really isn't that quaint
  1252. "I didn't know that. I don't have one."
  1253. >"Well, let's hope he doesn't shoot us when we get there."
  1254. "You're coming?"
  1255. >"'Course. I've been waiting long enough, haven't I?"
  1256. >surprisingly, Collishaw Cueball isn't waiting for you with an old-fashioned revolver pointed at the door
  1257. >he's just plopped down pleasantly on your couch
  1258. >it's obvious he's been looking through your stuff
  1259. >drawers are open, and your meager supply of clothing is strewn about the floor
  1260. >thankfully, the locked chest you keep your gold in is untouched
  1261. >"Mr. Nonermous! You're prolly wonderin' what I'm doin' here."
  1262. "Uh, yeah, I am."
  1263. >"Well, I just got a law enforcement telegram from
  1264. Canterlot. You wanna know what it said?"
  1265. >you really don't
  1266. "What did it say?"
  1267. >"It said to be on the lookout for a tall, two-legged critter from Ponyville who calls himself a 'human'. It said he's got a history of mental illness and violence, that he's in possession of a dangerous magical artifact, and that he may be a danger to himself and others."
  1268. "Gee, that's interesting."
  1269. >"Sure is. Now, I was just wondering what kinda critter it was you reckoned yourself. What exactly are you again, Mr. Nonermous."
  1270. "I'm uh... a man."
  1271. >"A man! Well shoot, looks like you ain't the fella after all. It's real funny though, because the telegram said this fella's name was 'A-nawn-ni-muss.' I thought for sure it mighta been you."
  1272. "Guess not."
  1273. >"Guess not! Well, I'm terrible sorry for the inconvenience now, so I guess I'll be on my way. Just remember, if you know anything about this fella, all Canterlot wants is for him to be safely returned to Ponyville, no harm done."
  1274. "I'll keep it in mind."
  1275. >"And Miss Apple Fritter, if you happen to know anything about this... critter, try not to get too close to him. I'm sure he'll get caught soon."
  1276. >with that, the sheriff disappears
  1277. >oh
  1278. >oh hell
  1279. >"Uh, Mr. Nonermous."
  1280. "What?"
  1281. >"What's this about a dangerous magical artifact?"
  1282. "Oh, he's not that dangerous."
  1283. >you pull Sombra's crystal out of your bag and show him to Apple Fritter
  1284. >he hisses at her
  1285. "Fritter, this is Sombra."
  1286. >"Sombra? That fella who tried to take over Equestria about a year ago?"
  1287. "Yeah."
  1288. >"Then you... history of mental illness and violence..."
  1289. >Fritter gasps
  1290. >"You're the fella who hit Princess Twilight!"
  1291. >oh shi-
  1292. "Well, yeah."
  1293. >Fritter grunts
  1294. >"But you made friends with the princess again, right?"
  1295. "Yeah, yeah, I did."
  1296. >"But now you stole her magical artifact and ran away with it."
  1297. "I guess you could say that's true."
  1298. >"But why?"
  1299. "Look, there were no crimes or anything. I just, I just don't really know how to talk about that right now."
  1300. >Fritter stares
  1301. "Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
  1302. >"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
  1303. >oh
  1304. >"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm
  1305. >Fritter stares
  1306. "Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
  1307. >"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
  1308. >oh
  1309. >"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm by forcing me to marry him. He really has backed off a lot since you showed up. And besides that I don't him one second when he says he just wants to send you off to Ponyville, 'no harm done'."
  1310. >Fritter sighs
  1311. >"No. I ain't turning you in, Nonermous. You're my friend, and friends stick together. Just be careful. If Collishaw Cueball ever sees that crystal it'll be all the evidence he needs to get away with whatever he wants."
  1312. >oh
  1313. >oh thank fuck
  1314. "Holy shit thank you so much Apple Fritter."
  1315. >"Yeah, don't mention it. I just hope I don't regret it too much later."
  1316.  
  1317. >night 25 in Picacholt
  1318. >you're on the plains with Dismule
  1319. >he's still sputtering and coughing quite a bit
  1320. >"Aw, don't worry 'bout me none, Anawn. I got just about 'nuff gold now that I'll probly head out any day now."
  1321. "Really?"
  1322. >"Oh, yeah. I'm probly awready th'richest burro in all a Equestria."
  1323. "I'll be sad to see you go, Dismule."
  1324. >"Schucks, Anawn, you'll do fine. Me, I'm getting old, and my health's failing. I gotta get outta this desert dust and heat while I still got the chance."
  1325. "You know, I always wondered, if you've already got so much gold, why are you still working the apple farm?"
  1326. >"Sun above, Anawn! I ain't goin'a blow through my gold while I'm still collecting it! I gots a budget, y'see. I already done gone and calc'lated the expenses of the travel, the castle, and the retirement. I got my gold set aside for it and I ain't goin'a even think about touching it til I'm good and ready to start my dream."
  1327. >in the distance, a sound starts low
  1328. >from the mountains, the sound starts to grow
  1329. >it's an unearthly sort of sound
  1330. >like the mountains are moaning
  1331. >when the sound grows to an unbearable volume, that's when the wind hits
  1332. >the wind is hot
  1333. >burning
  1334. >like the air has been turned to fire
  1335. >you forget your conversation with Dismule
  1336. >you forget Dismule, even
  1337. >the desert
  1338. >the gold in the distance
  1339. >the tools on your hip
  1340. >all forgotten in that wind
  1341. >and when you think you can't take any more of it
  1342. >it stops
  1343. >in an instant
  1344. >and your surroundings come back to you
  1345. "What the hell was that?"
  1346. >"Furnace winds. Don't normally gettem so early in the year. Ain't even quite May yet. Bad omen."
  1347.  
  1348. Part 9: Something Worse
  1349.  
  1350. >night 26 in Picacholt
  1351. >Dismule is too sick to go out again
  1352. >you were planning on staying in too
  1353. >but the clock strikes ten
  1354. >and you're restless
  1355. >maybe it's because Apple Fritter is visiting family in Ponyville
  1356. >even though she did promise not to talk about you
  1357. >maybe it's the fact that you've stayed up late every night for almost a month now
  1358. >or maybe it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come
  1359. >again
  1360. >fuck, the last time you felt like this you ended up going to the Crystal Empire
  1361. >and that was a shitshow and a half
  1362. >you really hope it's just the late night thing
  1363. >you grab your toolbag
  1364. >you grab Sombra too
  1365. >somehow you figure he's safer with you than he is even in your locked chest
  1366. >there's that precognisant thing again
  1367. >oh man
  1368. >well, they won't find any evil magical artifacts in your room tonight
  1369. >before you know it your on the plains
  1370. >you're far enough from the town that you can't see it anymore when you look around to make sure nobody's watching
  1371. >and you pull Sombra out of the bag
  1372. "All right bud, you said there was a good vein of gold quartz around here the other day."
  1373. >an arrow materializes in the air
  1374. >"That way."
  1375. >before long you're on the vein, chipping away at it with your rock hammer
  1376. >you get lost in your work, you forget to look around
  1377. >the chipping makes noise, enough to mask the soft sound of hooves in the sand
  1378. >but the hoof in the back of your head
  1379. >that gets your attention
  1380. >when the stars clear out of your eyes, you find yourself looking into the splotchy face of Piebald the thug
  1381. >"Well now, looks like you got a evil magic thingamajigger after all. Cueball'd be right happy to hear about this. He'd get his hooves on the apple farm right nice and easy, and you'd get sent off to get locked up in Ponyville or something."
  1382. >"'Course, that's what Cueball wants. Nobody ever asks what Piebald wants. Well what I want is to make Apple Fritter my wife. And Cueball ain't gonna help me get my hooves on Apple Fritter if he gets his hooves on the apple farm first."
  1383. >"'Sides that, you been getting too friendly with Apple Fritter for my taste. A stallion's gotta punish a monster who tries to move in on his mare, you know?"
  1384. >"Come on, say somethin'! This is your life in the balance, pard!"
  1385. >you sincerely try to throw a witty quip at the thug standing over you
  1386. >but somehow your brain isn't talking to your mouth right now
  1387. >"Can't, huh? Well, looks like it's all up to me then."
  1388. >"Tell you what. Far as Collishaw Cueball needs to know, you ran off inna the mountains and took your little crystal with ya."
  1389. >"I'll give ya a fair chance now, monster. You wake up and get someplace safe before you fry, you can go on your way. Marenberg is right over those mountains, you can take a train back to Ponyville from there."
  1390. >"Just don't come back to Picacholt. My pards'll be waitin' for ya outside of town. You won't be in no shape to fight, understand? That'll be the end of you right quick."
  1391. "W... wake up?"
  1392. >"Yep. Nighty-night!"
  1393. >your vision is filled with hooves
  1394. >then stars
  1395. >then black
  1396.  
  1397. ACT III: The Mastermind of Marenberg
  1398. Part 1: A Really Shitty Fucking Morning
  1399.  
  1400. >you're awoken by the exquisite sensation of the open wound on your forehead baking in the desert sun
  1401. >holy mother fuck
  1402. >shit like this doesn't happen in magic talking pony land
  1403. >and it sure as shit doesn't happen to you
  1404. >a thug just gave you a concussion so that a crooked sherrif would help him force someone into a marriage with him to get a hold of her land
  1405. >and now you're drying out in the desert
  1406. >isn't Apple Fritter in Ponyville now?
  1407. >what kind of ambush could she walk into when she comes back?
  1408. >they're probably going to threaten Jonagold somehow
  1409. >maybe they'll just take Jonagold out of the picture altogether
  1410. "Maybe Fritter is telling Twilight about this whole fucked up situation right now…"
  1411. >"Probably not."
  1412. >Sombra's crystal is sitting in the sand a few feet away from you
  1413. "You think so?"
  1414. >"Apple Fritter promise not give you away. Very proud, not break promise, not bring Twilight here."
  1415. "Fuck man."
  1416. >a puff of warm wind blows sand into your lacerations
  1417. >you ignore it
  1418. "So this is all my fault."
  1419. >"Pretty much."
  1420. >you stand up
  1421. >and you take Sombra into your hand
  1422. "Well I'm gonna un-fuck it. I'm gonna hop onto the next train to Ponyville, warn Apple Fritter before she comes back, and beg Twilight to use her princess powers or something to make all this right."
  1423. >"Over the mountains."
  1424. "Over the…? Oh, right, Piebald's thugs are gonna fucking kill me if I go back to Picacholt."
  1425. >"Yes."
  1426. "And the nearest town is past those mountains."
  1427. >"Yes."
  1428. "Anything else I should keep in mind?"
  1429. >"Thug tell sherrif you're going to mountains."
  1430. "Right."
  1431. >"So they look for you there. Move fast."
  1432. "Oh, that makes sense. Perfect. On the bright side, I don't think it's physically possible for my mouth to get any dryer. Let's go."
  1433.  
  1434. "Sh… should I stay or should I go now…"
  1435. "If I… stay there will be trouble…"
  1436. "But… but if I go it will be… double…"
  1437. >"Quiet."
  1438. "I don't… sing that bad… do I?"
  1439. >"Sound dry. And tired. Save breath. Save water."
  1440. "Shit man. I am… pretty thirsty."
  1441. >you sigh
  1442. "Apple Fritter… said the river ran through the mountains… but I don't fuckin see it…"
  1443. >"Mountains close."
  1444. "Yeah yeah… I don't see any path… where the hell do I climb up?"
  1445. >Sombra rumbles
  1446. >"Crystal… mineral… rocks…"
  1447. >the impassable wall of gravel and boulders before you shifts and uncovers a rough, yet usable trail
  1448. "Whoah… I didn't know you cared…"
  1449. >Sombra grunts
  1450. >"Have been buried for thousand years before. Didn't like."
  1451. "Makes sense… Any way you can just make… the whole mountain disappear?"
  1452. >"No."
  1453. "Figures… But why didn't you… just knock out Piebald with a rock?"
  1454. >"Can't cause harm."
  1455. "Oh… right… forgot…"
  1456. >"Go. Now."
  1457. "Yeah yeah… so do you… just not… speak in complete sentences… as a matter of… principle?"
  1458. >you've only been on the makeshift magic mountain trail for all of ten seconds when your morning gets a whole lot shittier
  1459. >for the second time in twelve hours, your head explodes with pain
  1460. >and you fall unconscious
  1461. >again
  1462.  
  1463. Part 2: Wait I Thought This was a Western
  1464.  
  1465. >you wake up in a bright white room
  1466. >oh fuck it's happening again
  1467. >you've died
  1468. >and you've been reborn into the moment you woke up in Twilight's tree castle hospital wing
  1469. >you'll have to do things better this time
  1470. >be more honest about your feelings with Twilight
  1471. >show more positivity in general
  1472. >take Twilight down to Picacholt and have her princess away all the corruption
  1473. >you wonder how many chances you'll get to make things right before your death becomes permanent
  1474. >no
  1475. >wait
  1476. >you're being fucking retarded
  1477. >you weren't strapped to a cold, metal table last year
  1478. >also, Twilight wasn't red
  1479. >oh, good
  1480. >it seems you've only been kidnapped and imprisoned in some sort of evil laboratory
  1481. >what a relief
  1482. >your captor is a mare wearing a white labcoat over her red coat
  1483. >with an iron-grey mane done up in a bun
  1484. >and with horned glasses sitting over eyes lined with deep bags
  1485. >she appears very, very old
  1486. >she cocks her eyebrow appraisingly
  1487. >"Anonymous Faggot. I see that you are awake now."
  1488. "I hope I'm not."
  1489. >your captor's wrinkled face curls into a frown
  1490. >"Ridiculous sentimentality. There is not a single situation in which is better to be unconscious than conscious."
  1491. "Even in a situation like this?"
  1492. >"Conscious, you may listen to my demands and carry them out, thus getting out of this situation more quickly."
  1493. "Oh, demands. Great. Uh, who are you, exactly? And how do you know my name again?"
  1494. >"I am Phylum Strata, the greatest mind to have ever lived. And as for how I know your name, there is very little that I do not know, especially regarding those subjects which have become public knowledge through the national news industry."
  1495. "Not the most humble heart to have ever lived, are you?"
  1496. >"False humility is itself a form of arrogance. My intellectual prowess is nothing to be humble about. Here in these mountains, I have attained a level of scientific knowledge superior even to your own world, to say nothing of Equestria."
  1497. >did this bitch just say...?
  1498. "How the hell do you know about Earthly science?"
  1499. >Phylum Strata pushes her glasses up her snout with a shriveled hoof
  1500. >"Upon your arrival in this world two years ago, a magical link between Earth and Equestria was formed. Immediately, I set about learning as much about the place as I cared to. Unfortunately, there was not much to care for, as I had already surpassed Earth's level of scientific and technological achievment."
  1501. "So... you know how I got here? You know where Earth is... relative to here?"
  1502. >Phylum Strata scowls
  1503. >"No. But only because I never had any need for such information. I could certainly find out if I had any logical reason to do so."
  1504. >the bespectacled old mare scratches her chin
  1505. >"Yes... and more importantly, I could figure out how to send you back. Assuming, of course, that you are fully cooperative with me."
  1506. >she looks at you from over her glasses
  1507. >"You would like to go home, would you not?"
  1508. >whoah
  1509. >there's a thought that hasn't crossed your mind in a long while
  1510. >would you like to go home?
  1511. >well, it doesn't make such a difference to you either way
  1512. >you never really enjoyed life on Earth
  1513. >but you've only sporadically enjoyed life in Equestria
  1514. >and with the things you've learned these past two years or so, you should be able to achieve at least that much enjoyment out of life on Earth if you ever go back
  1515. >besides, although you don't have much to go home to, you do have parents
  1516. >although you haven't spoken to them since at least a good few months before arriving in Equestria, they've probably found out by now that you've gone missing
  1517. >theoretically, that's probably caused them a good deal of distress
  1518. >at the very least, they deserve some kind of closure
  1519. >furthermore, Earth doesn't have Twilight Sparkle looming over it in a position of immense power
  1520. >so...
  1521. >there's some business you'd have to wrap up in Equestria before you could go back...
  1522. >specifically the debacle in Picacholt
  1523. >but...
  1524. >if the question is would you like to go back?
  1525. "Sure."
  1526. >Phylum Strata harrumphs
  1527. >"Depressingly sentimental. But beneficial for my purposes, so you will be rewarded."
  1528. "Great. But I can't really agree until I know what your demands are."
  1529. >"I think you'll find you don't have much choice in the matter. I know about your concerns in Picacholt, and I am holding the imprisoned Sombra hostage. Until my demands are met in full, you will see neither the world outside of my laboratory nor your companion."
  1530. >freezing cold ice blasts you from Phylum Strata's eyes
  1531. >"And should you foolishly outright refuse to assist me altogether, you will not leave my laboratory alive."
  1532.  
  1533. >the mad scientist Phylum Strata flicks a switch you can't see
  1534. >you didn't realize that your arms were straining upward against their restraints
  1535. >but when they come loose, your limbs fly up a few inches by reflex
  1536. >"Get up. I mean to show you your duties."
  1537. >trying to move, you realize that your clothes are stiff and crackly with the salt of dried sweat
  1538. >you'd think that if she was able to somehow rehydrate you while you were out, she might have been able to get you a change of clothes
  1539. >in your mind's eye, you see geriatric genius cocking an analytical eyebrow at your cock
  1540. >ew, no, never mind, you're glad she left she left you as you are
  1541. >you rise to your feet and follow Strata
  1542. >as she approaches the exit to the room, it opens automatically
  1543. >and you have to admit that it's pretty impressive technology for magic talking pony land
  1544. >but she doesn't look at you to see whether or not you're impressed
  1545. >instead, she briskly strides into a round room lined with six doors
  1546. >she picks one out and approaches it without a change in her pace
  1547. >this door's not so automatic
  1548. >she holds her face up to a…
  1549. >a retina scanner?
  1550. >whoah
  1551. >that's borderline advanced tech even on Earth
  1552. >the door clicks unlocked and slides open
  1553. >and inside this next room you see two tables
  1554. >on the tables is…
  1555. >something
  1556. >you don't get the chance to enter the room and see it clearly
  1557. >"Mother? Who's your new friend?"
  1558. >Phylum Strata wheels around
  1559. >she glares at something for a second
  1560. >and then
  1561. >a mask comes on
  1562. >and the cold mad scientist wears a gentle smile
  1563. >"My goodness, Raspberry Heaven. How could I have forgotten to introduce him to you?"
  1564. >a little red filly stands in the doorway of what looks like a child's bedroom
  1565. >she's almost the spitting image of Phylum Strata
  1566. >only smaller
  1567. >less wrinkled
  1568. >a fully black mane
  1569. >a more vivid red in her coat
  1570. >emotion in her eyes
  1571. >"This is your new uncle, Anonymous. He will be helping me with my work for a short while."
  1572. >Raspberry Heaven smiles and waves a little hoof at you
  1573. >"Hello, Uncle Anonymous!"
  1574. "Y-you too."
  1575. >Phylum Strata groans
  1576. >"Now, Raspberry, us grown-ups are going to work now. Go and play in your room now."
  1577. >Raspberry Heaven nods
  1578. >"Yes, mother."
  1579. >and she disappears behind the automatic sliding door
  1580. >Phylum Strata lets the mask fall and assumes her immovable blank stare once more
  1581. "So, you have a daughter?"
  1582. >"Not in the strictest sense. She is what inhabitants of your world would call a clone."
  1583. >whoah
  1584. >okay
  1585. >the successful cloning of sapient creatures is officially very impressive by any standard
  1586. "Huh. I'd expect a clone of you to be a little more… cold."
  1587. >"You have known me for all of five minutes and twenty-seven seconds, Anonymous Faggot. Do not presume to know my life's history."
  1588. >Phylum Strata adjusts her glasses with a pruny hoof
  1589. >"And if by 'cold' you mean 'objective,' I assure you I have a perfectly objective motivation for raising her the way I have. I've found that a bit of sentimentality has a positive effect on the child's health. If she grows older, I shall obliterate all sentimentality from her mind and make her my apprentice."
  1590. >wait
  1591. "If?"
  1592. >"My plans for the future are constantly in flux, Mr. Faggot. Now follow me. I shall demonstrate your duty to you in detail."
  1593.  
  1594. >"This room shall be your quarters, Anonymous. You are no doubt unaware of this, but quite some time has passed since I had you brought here. Outside of my laboratory, it is now dark. Sleep, and tomorrow we shall get more work done."
  1595. >you stumble into a sparse bedroom
  1596. >the automatic door slides shut behind you
  1597. >holy fuck
  1598. >your knees are shaking
  1599. >this morning you thought that outlaws acting like a Zane Grey novel was too dark for pony land
  1600. >but this
  1601. >this is too dark for anywhere
  1602. >those tables
  1603. >they held two motionless bodies
  1604. >not dead, Phylum Strata assured you
  1605. >not technically, anyway
  1606. >the good doctor had inflicted a sort of chemically-induced stasis upon them
  1607. >the older mare, on the left table, she was the one paying for this
  1608. >the duchess of somesuch or other
  1609. >almost as old as Strata herself
  1610. >the younger mare, on the right table
  1611. >she was the duchess's daughter
  1612. >you'd be surprised how many of Canterlot's nobles aren't what they seem, the good doctor informed you
  1613. >this procedure is apparently how this lab is funded
  1614. >the good doctor would do it herself, but…
  1615. >she's growing too old
  1616. >her hooves are too shaky
  1617. >even with the mechanical, fingered apparatus she invented in her younger years, she just can't hold steady enough anymore
  1618. >the reason you aren't on a vivisection table is because you're ideal to assist the good doctor in her endeavors
  1619. >because you have fingers
  1620. >because of your familiarity with higher technologies, through both everyday life on Earth and through Earthly science fiction
  1621. >though no doubt you're too poorly educated to truly understand the technologies which you took for granted
  1622. >you soon noticed the looming, metallic figures in the room
  1623. >Phylum Strata's mechanical mares
  1624. >essentially what a human would think of as a robot
  1625. >the beings she sent to capture you
  1626. >after Sombra's path-creating spell alerted her to your presence
  1627. >the mechanical mares can't be Phylum Strata's assistants, admitted the good doctor
  1628. >apparently she didn't get the idea for digital electronics until she was able to gather information from Earth
  1629. >which was only a little over two years ago
  1630. >she hasn't yet developed the processing power to host any sort of intelligence in a machine
  1631. >the mechanical mares were there to ensure that you didn't attempt to flee from your duties
  1632. >they were there to override your silly sentimentality by inflicting an objective fear of physical harm
  1633. >okay
  1634. >but what the fuck were the "duties"?
  1635. >well
  1636. >pick up that scalpel
  1637. >cut there
  1638. >pinch that shut
  1639. >slice there
  1640. >in short
  1641. >the good duchess had paid the good doctor good money for the service of having her brain removed
  1642. >and placed into the body of her daughter
  1643. >and under the watchful eyes of the mechanical mares
  1644. >you gave the good duchess what she paid for
  1645. >Phylum Strata flicked a few switches which she said would begin reviving the two
  1646. >the duchess would get to live a second life
  1647. >the daughter would most likely be locked up in some nursing home til she died of her mother's old age
  1648. >and now
  1649. >now you're supposed to sleep?
  1650.  
  1651. Part 3: Raspberry Heaven
  1652.  
  1653. >after maybe an hour or six of not sleeping, the door to your quarters slides open
  1654. >oh fuck no
  1655. >you want to hide under the small, threadbare sheet
  1656. >but the figure who steps in is neither the mad scientist nor any monstrous creation of hers
  1657. >"Uncle Anonymous?"
  1658. >it's the little one
  1659. >the clone
  1660. >Raspberry Heaven
  1661. "Uh…"
  1662. >"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep."
  1663. "Don't you have a 'mother' for this?"
  1664. >the little red filly shakes her head
  1665. >"She always keeps her door locked. And I was up wondering about you. I haven't met anyone new since I was little."
  1666. "You still are little."
  1667. >Raspberry Heaven considers this
  1668. >"That's true. Since I was very little, then."
  1669. >you sit up
  1670. >the sheets fall from your chest
  1671. "What did you want to know?"
  1672. >"First of all, what happened to your coat? You're almost completely hairless all of the sudden."
  1673. >coat?
  1674. >hairless?
  1675. >oh
  1676. "You mean my shirt? It was dirty, so I took it off to sleep."
  1677. >Raspberry cocks her head
  1678. "You know, it's clothing. Like the white jacket your mother wears."
  1679. >"I see. And where do big hairless creatures such as yourself come from? And why did you come here?"
  1680. "Uh, well…"
  1681. >it seems that Raspberry Heaven is kept largely ignorant of the sort of things Phylum Strata does
  1682. >it's probably wisest to keep it that way
  1683. "Well that's part of the reason why I'm here. I don't exactly know where I'm from. But your mother said she can help me find out."
  1684. >a little eyebrow shoots up skeptically
  1685. >"You don't know where you're from?"
  1686. "I mean, I know what place I'm from, but I don't know where it is. I don't know how I could get back if I wanted to."
  1687. >"So you want to go home?"
  1688. "Uh, I don't know. But I suppose if I can, I should."
  1689. >"How can you not know what you want?"
  1690. "Well, uh, feelings are complicated. There's probably been a time where you weren't sure if you wanted something."
  1691. >"I don't believe there has been."
  1692. "Are you sure? You never had to think for a little bit about whether you wanted chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream, or something like that?"
  1693. >Raspberry Heaven blinks
  1694. >"What's ice cream?"
  1695. "Uh, okay, well…"
  1696. >hm
  1697. >all right, this one should stump her
  1698. "Do you want me to pat your head?"
  1699. >the little red filly's ears flick up and down
  1700. >"What?"
  1701. "It's a simple question. Do you want me to take my hand and rub it on your head, or not?"
  1702. >"Um, I don't understand-"
  1703. >you cut her off by using the long reach which your alien, ape-like physiology grants you
  1704. >and placing your hand on Raspberry Heaven's head
  1705. >and rubbing
  1706. >and scratcing a little bit too
  1707. >"Um! Uh… ah!"
  1708. >you feel the warm little head press up into your palm
  1709. >"Ahhhhh…"
  1710. >finally, you take your hand away
  1711. "Well, did you want that?"
  1712. >"Um… Um… I'm not sure."
  1713. "Why don't you go to bed and think about it then? I'm sure your mother is going to make me start working early, so I'd appreciate if you let me sleep now."
  1714. >"Y-yes, Uncle Anonymous."
  1715. >Raspberry practically stumbles out the room
  1716. >you grin
  1717. >that little pony is seriously adorable
  1718.  
  1719. >plain oatmeal is actually a fairly common breakfast in Equestria
  1720. >naturally, of course, since ponies are, you know, ponies
  1721. >they like the taste of oats in and of themselves
  1722. >you, however, do not
  1723. >no matter how many times Rainbow Dash told you that you were ruining your oats
  1724. >you just couldn't help adding sugar and fruits
  1725. >there are no such sweeteners upon the breakfast table of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
  1726. >just plain, boiled, rolled oats
  1727. >but, really
  1728. >even though you haven't eaten in the last 24 hours
  1729. >you're not actually hungry anyway
  1730. >you're just sort of poking at the oats
  1731. >observing your companions
  1732. >Phylum Strata is alternating between taking a bite of oats
  1733. >and glaring at you
  1734. >and glaring at Raspberry Heaven
  1735. >but that's probably because Raspberry Heaven keeps stealing nervous glances at you
  1736. >you force down a spoonful of bland whole grains
  1737. >"Uncle Anonymous."
  1738. "Hm? Uh er, yeah?"
  1739. >"I think I did want it. I mean, what you did. Last night."
  1740. >Phylum Strata rolls her eyes and sighs
  1741. >oh fucking shit
  1742. >you stare wide-eyed at the mad doctor, wondering if she heard that the way it sounds
  1743. >waiting for a death laser to come and annihilate you
  1744. >"Uncle Anonymous? Did you hear me?"
  1745. "Uh, y-yeah, that's good."
  1746. >Phylum Strata takes a sip of her coffee
  1747. >she isn't looking at you any more
  1748. >holy fuck
  1749. >if she thinks you've done something indecent with her underaged clone, she sure doesn't seem to give a fuck
  1750. >"Mister Faggot, it is time for us to begin our work. Come with me. The mechanical mares will clean up after you."
  1751. "S-sure."
  1752. >"Uncle Anonymous, can I come see you again tonight?"
  1753. >nope, nevermind, that's it
  1754. >you're dead
  1755. >you're literally actually going to fucking die today
  1756. "S-sure thing, kiddo."
  1757. >"Mister Faggot, please do not delay."
  1758. "Yes, ma'am, I mean master, I mean-"
  1759. >"Phylum Strata will do. Come."
  1760. >you follow Phylum Strata into the main hub of six doors
  1761. >she leads you into another hub with three more doors
  1762. >and then she leads you into a lab
  1763. >this one seems a lot less evil than the one she had you working in yesterday
  1764. >still, you're feeling pretty apprehensive
  1765. >"Anonymous Faggot."
  1766. >okay, here it comes
  1767. >the sweet embrace of death
  1768. "Ididn'tdoanythingindecentorlewdwithyourdaughterIswearpleasedon'tvaporiseme!"
  1769. >"I know."
  1770. "O-oh. Okay."
  1771. >you probably could have handled that with a little more dignity
  1772. "I want you to know that Raspberry Heaven, in her current state, is a temporary entity. As I have told you, if she grows old enough, I shall eradicate all sentimentality from her mind and convert her to pure objectivism."
  1773. >"Thus, I am not concerned in the slightest with the notion that you may poison her mind. In fact, I see it as beneficial. One must first learn sentimentality in order to recognize it for the plague it is."
  1774. >"I understand if this situation must be pushing your feeble mind to its very limits. If the companionship of my creation keeps you sane during your time in my laboratory, then by all means, indulge yourself."
  1775. "Gee, um-"
  1776. >"However, I would caution you against getting too attached to my creation. She is, as I have said, a temporary entity, and my plans are constantly in flux. Should I find it necessary that she should pass before you leave, it will be much easier on your mental health if you have not developed any sort of psychological dependency on her."
  1777. >okay
  1778. >there's yet another horrifying implication that'll keep you up at night
  1779. "Well, thanks for the advice."
  1780. >"You are quite welcome to it."
  1781. "Say, uh, while we're on this subject, what kind of name is Raspberry Heaven anyway?"
  1782. >the appraising eyebrow
  1783. >"It was my own name when I was her age. And it is just as suitable as any other name."
  1784.  
  1785. Part 4: On Carrots
  1786.  
  1787. >Phylum Strata flicks a switch on a console
  1788. >a screen lights up on it
  1789. >"On your world, there is a saying: The carrot, and the stick. I presume you are familiar with this idiom?"
  1790. "Yeah."
  1791. >"Do I need to remind you what the 'stick' is in your situation?"
  1792. "Nope."
  1793. >"Good. Then behold: the 'carrot.'"
  1794. >the screen comes into focus
  1795. >there is a green field
  1796. >figures walk, run, play, sit, and eat upon the lush grass
  1797. >the figures are human
  1798. >not the bug-eyed rainbow-colored "humans" Twilight showed you last year
  1799. >but real human beings just like yourself
  1800. >with peach-colored skin
  1801. >and normal-sized eyes
  1802. >"I am primarily concerned with the physical sciences. Those fields which unicorn scholars would refer to as mundane, or non-magical are the point from which I shall revolutionize this society. But in this world I cannot wholly discount the use of magic as a tool. I have discovered multiple magical artifacts in these very mountains and incorporated a number of them into certain inventions of mine, all of which are contained within this room."
  1803. >huh
  1804. >you wonder if she'd be keeping Sombra in here as well
  1805. >"It is through these semi-magical devices that I was able to detect you when you arrived in this world, and again when you had my mountain magically altered."
  1806. >there was a name Apple Fritter had mentioned
  1807. >an old wizard outlaw who lived in these mountains
  1808. "Darkstar the Peg-Horned."
  1809. >Phylum Strata cocks her eyebrow at you
  1810. >"Hm, I see you are familiar with the local superstition. Yes, an ancient wizard named Darkstar once abode in these mountains, and I do believe that he left the artifacts which I have discovered."
  1811. >the cold objectivist's expression hardens
  1812. >"Despite Darkstar's focus on the arcane sciences, I do consider him a sort of 'spiritual ancestor' of mine, so to speak. He fled to these mountains after a fit of passion ended poorly for him. I have reason to believe that when he arrived here, he trained himself in objectivity, and proceeded to focus singularly on the pursuit of knowledge."
  1813. "So you came here in a fit of passion?"
  1814. >Phylum Strata glares at you, and ignores your question
  1815. >ah, right
  1816. >can't interrupt the mad scientist while she's solliloquizing
  1817. >"If the scholars in Canterlot were half so dedicated to their science as Darkstar was, my mundane pursuits here would already be obsolete. Alas, the only pony since Darkstar to possess his objective aptitude for science is me, and as an earth pony it is my destiny to focus on the physical rather than the metaphysical."
  1818. "Makes sense."
  1819. >Phylum Strata scratches her chin
  1820. >"Though at one point I did possess the legendary 'peg-horn' of Darkstar, and with its spellcasting power I imagined I could bring about a perfect union of physical and arcane sciences. Unfortunately, it was stolen from me many years ago, and I was unable to retrieve it."
  1821. "Somebody stole something from you?"
  1822. >"Yes, but no more of that now. Though I could doubtless entrance your feeble mind for hours with tales and thoughts from my extraordinary life, it is time now for us to work."
  1823. >the scientist gestures at the console showing its scene on Earth
  1824. >"This is the device which accesses the magical link between Equestria and Earth. In order to prepare your 'carrot', it shall be necessary to make some rather extensive modifications to it. Since I have no clients today, we may as well begin here so that you may see I intend to keep my word."
  1825. >Phylum Strata flips a circuit breaker, and her console blinks off
  1826. >"Now, retrive a screwdriver from that cabinet over there. Cross-tip, and three thirty-seconds of an inch."
  1827.  
  1828. Part 5: On Headpats
  1829.  
  1830. >night time again
  1831. >not that you can tell for sure
  1832. >inside this evil lair, even the interior lighting doesn't go dark when it's time to sleep
  1833. >a much more sophisticated lighting technology than magic, flame, gas, or even Earthly lightbulbs, claimed the good doctor
  1834. >with the special use of radium, these lights won't burn out for tens of thousands of years, she said
  1835. >the only downside is that they can't be turned off or on again
  1836. >but, objectively, Phylum Strata argued, there's no rational reason why your vision should ever be obscured by darkness in the first place
  1837. >it's been a long time since you last got a full night's sleep
  1838. >not since Twilight's last visit to your home anyway
  1839. >but tonight will not be the night that changes
  1840. >you're sitting on the small, flat mattress provided for you by the mad scientist
  1841. >staring at the wall
  1842. >pretending there's a window there
  1843. >imagining a tiny Apple Fritter waving at you from far-below Picacholt
  1844. >way down near the base of the mountains
  1845. >begging you to come back
  1846. >begging you to clean up the mess you made
  1847. >the whirr of an electric moter and the sliding of fiberglass on aluminum alerts you to the presence of a visitor
  1848. >you turn around to see
  1849. "Oh, hey Razzie."
  1850. >a little red ear flicks
  1851. >"Who is 'Razzie?'"
  1852. "You are. It's a nickname."
  1853. >saucer-sized red eyes blink
  1854. >"What's a nickname?"
  1855. "Well, it's, uh, it's something folks call each other when they don't feel like saying their full names. It's something friends do sometimes, too, to show that they like each other."
  1856. >a little red head tilts
  1857. >"So, which is it in this case?"
  1858. "Huh?"
  1859. >"Am I your friend, or do you simply not want to say my full name?"
  1860. "Ah, a little of both, I guess."
  1861. >"Then... I am your friend?"
  1862. "Sure."
  1863. >"That makes me happy. Do you have a nickname, Uncle Anonymous?"
  1864. "You can call me Anon."
  1865. >"Anon... Does that mean that you're my friend?"
  1866. "Yeah. I guess it does."
  1867. >Razzie looks down and smiles
  1868. >"Mother tells me that the mechanical mares are my friends, but I can't talk with them as I do with you."
  1869. "So you wanted to talk?"
  1870. >"Um... no. I..."
  1871. >Razzie clambers onto the mattress
  1872. >"I want..."
  1873. >and she presses her way onto your lap
  1874. >"I want you to do it to me again."
  1875. >huh?
  1876. >"To pat my head. Again. I want that."
  1877. >heh
  1878. "Sure."
  1879. >your fingers find their way behind Razzie's ears
  1880. >she squeaks
  1881. >then kicks
  1882. >then sighs
  1883. >and relaxes
  1884.  
  1885. Part 6: Wherein Anon is Not a Hero
  1886.  
  1887. >judging by the number of times Phylum Strata has had the mechanical mares toss you into your quarters, it's been a week
  1888. >for the most part, you've been Strata's fingers for working on various gadgets and experiments that you only vaguely understand
  1889. >you've almost forgotten why you consider her a mad scientist
  1890. >but today you will be reminded
  1891. >"Anonymous, we have a client. Come with me into the operation room."
  1892. >you're frozen
  1893. "A client for... what?"
  1894. >"For the brain swapping procedure, what else?"
  1895. >you can't seem to move at all
  1896. >"Would you like to me to describe what happens to a body when it is tossed from a ten-thousand foot mountain?"
  1897. >you manage to clear your throat
  1898. "I'm coming."
  1899. >"How prudent."
  1900. >on the left hand table is an old, fat, brown earth pony stallion
  1901. >on the right hand table is a little, lavender unicorn filly
  1902. "H-hang on, these two don't even look related."
  1903. >"And what concern is that to me?"
  1904. "It's just... doesn't this seem wrong to you?"
  1905. >"The baron here has expressed a wish to become a little filly, and he has provided me with good money for the opportunity."
  1906. "That... doesn't make it right or wrong."
  1907. >Phylum Strata snorts
  1908. >"What would be wrong, Anonymous, would be to allow my scientific research to go underfunded. In the pursuit of knowledge, I would gladly sacrifice any number of silly little fillies."
  1909. "I really can't do this."
  1910. >"If you cannot do this, then I shall have to run experiments to determine what exactly you can do. I think I'll start with an experiment to determine whether or not you can fly."
  1911. "I guess I can't do that either."
  1912. >"We simply won't know until I test it."
  1913. >well
  1914. >it turns out that you can
  1915. >not fly, of course
  1916. >but amoral brain surgeries
  1917. >that you're apparently more than capable of
  1918. >Phylum Strata made you watch her wake them up
  1919. >made you watch the old, fat stallion's body sob like a little girl
  1920. >i-it's not your fault
  1921. >right?
  1922.  
  1923. Part 7: Checkers and an Aftermath
  1924.  
  1925. >has it been weeks?
  1926. >months?
  1927. >you've stopped keeping track of the days in your head
  1928. >you only know that it's early in the morning
  1929. >and that Raspberry Heaven is jumping up and down on top of your gut
  1930. >"Anon, wake up! I've found something!"
  1931. "Stop, stop, stop, please!"
  1932. >"Are you awake now?"
  1933. >you sit up and wheeze
  1934. "I assume so."
  1935. >"Look, I found this box. It says it's some sort of game!"
  1936. "Yeah, it does, it does. Let me see."
  1937. >sounding out the horse heiroglyphs, it says…
  1938. "Checkers."
  1939. >huh
  1940. >usually, when you find something in Equestria that's similar to something you knew on Earth, the name is changed somewhat
  1941. >and usually, that change takes the form of a horse pun
  1942. >"Checkers. Do you know this game, Anon?"
  1943. "Yeah, I think I actually do."
  1944. >Razzie throws the box open and dumps its contents onto the floor
  1945. >"Then let's play!"
  1946. >it does indeed look like the game you're familiar with
  1947. >the red and black board
  1948. >the red and black disks
  1949. >you slink onto the floor and set up the board
  1950. "Okay, it's pretty simple. You're red and I'm black. We're gonna take turns moving our pieces. You move one of your pieces one square forward, but if you're diagonal from one of my pieces you can move your piece over mine and take it. If you take all of my pieces before I take yours, you win. There are a few more rules but I'll point them out when we get there."
  1951. >"When can we start?"
  1952. "Now. You're red, so you go first."
  1953. >after about ten minutes
  1954. >you had expected to lose by now
  1955. >you figured you'd take it real easy on Razzie
  1956. >because she's a little kid
  1957. >and it's her first game of checkers
  1958. >you've refrained from taking any of her pieces
  1959. >you've plopped your pieces right next to hers so she could take them
  1960. >but
  1961. >she's really bad at this
  1962. >at this point in the game, nearly all of your pieces have been kinged
  1963. >just because you had to keep moving them forward
  1964. >she's only taken two of your pieces
  1965. >and only because you pointed out to her that she could
  1966. >currently, Raspberry Heaven is scrunched in thought, staring at the board
  1967. >you've moved six of your kings back into spaces where she could take them right now
  1968. >finally, her face lights up
  1969. >she puts her hoof over a piece
  1970. >and moves it to your edge of the board
  1971. >and looks up at you triumphantly
  1972. >"King me."
  1973. "Wow, yeah, good job, Razzie."
  1974. >whoever made this box of checkers seemed to have a scenario exactly like this in mind
  1975. >it has about double the pieces you'd need for a game
  1976. >which is good, because there are almost no captured pieces with which you could crown Razzie's first king
  1977. >you're wondering if there's a way you can quickly end the game without hurting the little filly's feelings
  1978. >when the door whirrs open
  1979. >and Phylum Strata strides in
  1980.  
  1981. >"Anonymous, come with me immediately. I'll allow you to eat later-"
  1982. >the geriatric genius adjusts her glasses
  1983. >"What are you doing?"
  1984. >Raspberry Heaven beams
  1985. >"Good morning, mother. We're playing checkers!"
  1986. >"I can quite see that. Where in the world did you find that?"
  1987. >Razzie looks down
  1988. >"I… found it in the caves, mother."
  1989. >Phylum Strata practically growls
  1990. >"Yes, I suppose you must have. How many times must I tell you to stay out of the caves?"
  1991. >"Um…"
  1992. >"And what is this, Raspberry Heaven? Are you… are you losing?"
  1993. >the mad doctor scrutinizes the board
  1994. >and scoffs
  1995. >"And Anonymous, I suppose that you have been 'taking it easy' on her, haven't you?"
  1996. "Uh… n-"
  1997. >"How dreadful! That a creation from my own body and brain should lose in a simple game of checkers to a simple creature like Anonymous!"
  1998. >Phylum Strata sets her face in stone
  1999. >then sets herself in front of the checkers board
  2000. >"Sit beside me, Raspberry Heaven. I shall counsel you, and you shall win."
  2001. >what happens next is almost too fast to comprehend
  2002. >Phylum Strata informs Razzie of the rule that you can move your piece multiple times in one turn for successive captures
  2003. >naturally, you hadn't gotten to that
  2004. >then she points out all the black pieces that are ready to be captured right now
  2005. >then she maps out a devestating move and directs Razzie to execute it
  2006. >one move
  2007. >"Yes. Now calculate your next attack on your own."
  2008. >something has been set off inside of Razzie
  2009. >two moves
  2010. >three moves
  2011. >it's over
  2012. >you are utterly defeated
  2013. >"Yes! Well done, Raspberry Heaven!"
  2014. >the cold objectivist begins to laugh with glee
  2015. >but catches herself
  2016. >and grunts
  2017. >and tries to get away
  2018. >but it's too late
  2019. >Raspberry Heaven is already blissfully nuzzled into her mother's chest
  2020.  
  2021. >Phylum Strata stares upon her creation for a moment
  2022. >and recoils
  2023. >she stands up
  2024. >backs away
  2025. >is she sweating?
  2026. >Razzie cocks her head
  2027. >"Mother?"
  2028. >Phylum Strata shakes her head
  2029. >takes a deep breath
  2030. >glances at the conquered checkers board
  2031. >glares at you
  2032. >"We've wasted quite enough time on frivolities. Come with me immediately, Anonymous. And Raspberry Heaven, I forbid you from entering the caves outside of this home."
  2033. >the good doctor is leading you toward the operation room
  2034. >fuck shitting damnit
  2035. >the mad scientist silently triggers the retinal scanner
  2036. >inside the room you behold a young stallion and a teenage colt immobilized the simulated death of Phylum Strata
  2037. >the doctor makes sure that both mechanical mares have entered the room before shutting the door
  2038. >"Squeamish as you are, Anonymous, this case should be agreeable even to you."
  2039. >"This colt here is a young marquis. His body will be paralyzed for the rest of its life."
  2040. >"This stallion here is a burglar. He was in the process of robbing the young marquis' home when he injured the marquis' spine."
  2041. >"The young marquis' parents have paid me to restore their son's normal life, at the expense of the one who took it away. Do you suppose, Anonymous, that this is a procedure that you can carry out without your normal effeminate shaking?"
  2042. "Uh…"
  2043. >"Apparently not. Well, at the very least I do expect that you can carry out this procedure without my explicit instruction. It is, after all, an extremely simple operation, and this is your third time doing it. Hopefully the lessened moral compunction in this case will only help you."
  2044. "I guess so."
  2045. >"You should hope so. I am going to attend to other business now. Should you attempt to escape this room in my absence, my mechanical mares will reduce you to a very smooth jelly. Do you understand?"
  2046. "Y-yeah…"
  2047. >the doctor considers something for a moment
  2048. >"However, should you at any point find yourself unsure of how to proceed, stop and wait for me to return. Do you understand?"
  2049. "Yeah. I understand."
  2050. >"Good."
  2051. >without another word, Phylum Strata disappears
  2052. >and you're somewhat horrified to discover
  2053. >that you can, in fact, perform the brain-swapping operation on your own by now
  2054. >at least there's some sort of justice to it this time
  2055. >right?
  2056.  
  2057. Part 8: The Life of All Flesh
  2058.  
  2059. >when Phylum Strata came back into the operation room three days ago
  2060. >she wouldn't look you in the eye with her usual appraising eyebrow
  2061. >in fact, she wouldn't look at you at all
  2062. >since then, you haven't seen her
  2063. >and you've mostly occupied your time by playing with Razzie
  2064. >not checkers, of course
  2065. >she's gotten entirely too good at checkers
  2066. >but you've taught her tag, hide-and-seek, some word games
  2067. >and she's taught you the strange role-playing games which small children are prone to inventing
  2068. >currently, you are Hovan, the great white ape
  2069. >and Razzie, with her paper sword, is the hero who must imminently slay you
  2070. "Graaaaaaggh!"
  2071. >you've been kind of bored
  2072. >Razzie's heroic one-liners are somewhat muffled due to the faux-sword in her mouth
  2073. >"Terk thert!"
  2074. >there's a flash of blinding white paper
  2075. "Ow!"
  2076. >Razzie spits out her sword
  2077. >"Anooon, I told you that apes cannot talk!"
  2078. >a thin red line is forming on your wrist where the paper sword smote you
  2079. "Oh, I got a paper cut."
  2080. >Razzie does her head-tilt
  2081. >"A paper cut?"
  2082. "Yeah, it's fine. It'll close up in a few minutes."
  2083. >a small red drop falls onto the polished chrome floor between you and Razzie
  2084. >her ears flop back
  2085. >"I did not realize that paper could be so dangerous..."
  2086. "Don't worry, it isn't."
  2087. >you allow a devilish grin to spread across your face
  2088. "And it won't stop me from gobbling you up!"
  2089. >arms outstretched, you lunge toward the disarmed hero
  2090. >"No!"
  2091. >faster than thought, the valorous filly takes up her sword and evades your lunge
  2092. >and the weapon thwacks against your knee!
  2093. "Graaagghh!"
  2094. >you fall
  2095. >and the recyclable sword is pointed directly at your throat
  2096. >"Er'll lert yer ger, erf yer prermers ter sterp gerbling erp lertl ferlies!"
  2097. "What?"
  2098. >Razzie spits out the sword
  2099. >"I said, I'll let you go, if you promise to stop gobbling up little fillies!"
  2100. >little does she know that she's fallen for your trick yet again
  2101. "Never!"
  2102. >monstrous, ape-like hands sieze Raspberry Heaven and pull her into your chest for an immobilizing hug
  2103. >and finally, gobbling sound-effects and tickling are employed to secure the victory of evil
  2104. >"Ah! Stop! Hahaha! Please! You cheated! Ah! Stop! Ha! You win! Stop!"
  2105. >triumphantly, you set the giggling Razzie on the floor
  2106. >after about a minute, she manages to suppress her laughter and begins to pout
  2107. >"You tricked me!"
  2108. "That's what bad guys do."
  2109. >and then
  2110. >as if attracted by the phrase 'bad guys'
  2111. >a haggard-looking Phylum Strata steps through the automatic sliding door
  2112. >'haggard' in the sense that she appears physically exhausted
  2113. >emotionally, she looks to be back to her normal, cold self
  2114. >"Anonymous, I am going to have something to eat. When I have finished, I will retrieve you. There is urgent work which we must start upon as soon as possible."
  2115.  
  2116. >when Phylum Strata re-enters the room, she hands a needle and a vial to you
  2117. >"Anonymous, take a sample of Raspberry Heaven's blood."
  2118. >Razzie's ears flick up and down a few times
  2119. >"My blood, mother?"
  2120. >"Yes. I shall need a small amount of it for my work. You may help me make sick ponies well again, Raspberry Heaven."
  2121. "Uh..."
  2122. >"Oh, don't tell me you have some sort of moral objection to needles as well, Anonymous."
  2123. >you cringe
  2124. "N-no, it's just-"
  2125. >Razzie taps on your leg
  2126. >"I don't mind, Uncle Anonymous."
  2127. "Uh, all right."
  2128. >Phylum Strata groans
  2129. >"And please do hurry."
  2130. >and with your vial of Razzie, you follow the mad doctor to a room you haven't seen before
  2131. >"Now, place that vial into that stand."
  2132. >"Now, take this micropipette, and retrieve a sample from that yellow beaker."
  2133. >"Deposit the chemical into the vial."
  2134. >"Now, afix that cover to the vial."
  2135. >gently, she takes the vial into her teeth
  2136. >and places it into a sort of circular rack
  2137. >she presses a button on the circular rack
  2138. >and it begins to spin
  2139. >when the machine finally stops spinning, the blood in the vial has separated into three layers
  2140. >Phylum Strata directs you to micropipette the top layer into the drain, and the lower two layers into their own vials
  2141. >the good doctor directs your attention to the two new vials
  2142. >"Do you realize what these vials contain, Anonymous?"
  2143. "Uh... plasma?"
  2144. >"No. Plasma was what you discarded. The yellow substance in the one vial is protein, and the clear substance in the other consists of lipid-based hormones."
  2145. "Okay."
  2146. >"I suppose the finer biological details of my reasoning would be lost on you, but I am going to attempt to isolate one specific protein, and one specific hormone. Would you like to guess what effect these two chemicals will have on the equine body?"
  2147. "Uh, to combat erectile dysfunction?"
  2148. >"How crude. No. The chemicals which I am going to isolate and synthesize will, in short, reverse the aging process to a point, and prolong youth indefinitely."
  2149. "Whoah."
  2150. >"Quite. This formula, once I perfect it, will serve as a replacement for the majority of the brain transplant procedures I perform. Objectively, it will be far more time-efficient than invasive brain surgery. And I can only imagine the sentimental meaning such a discovery would mean for a creature like you."
  2151. "Y-yeah. This sounds great."
  2152. >"It gets greater. Once I perfect my indefinite youth formula, you will be free to leave me. I will no longer have a purpose for you, as I will be able to reverse my own aging enough to become adept at operating my finger-machines once more."
  2153. "Uh... but what about... the... you know, the carrot?"
  2154. >"I have not forgotten. The machine which can send you back to Earth was perfected weeks ago. I will permit you to use it when you are ready, as we agreed."
  2155. >oh
  2156. >shit
  2157. >nigger
  2158. >you're gonna go home!
  2159.  
  2160. Part 8: The State of This Evil Lair
  2161.  
  2162. "Doc, we've been at this for 18 days. Not that your energy pills aren't brilliant, but I don't think they're working for me anymore."
  2163. >the deepening bags under Phylum Strata's eyes betray that she, too, is at last growing weary
  2164. >she growls like a fucking animal for a moment
  2165. >"Very well. My serum of youth is at least developed enough for a trial."
  2166. "Oh, good."
  2167. >"But I shall need a test subject."
  2168. "Uh…"
  2169. >"Do not flatter yourself. This serum could only affect pony tissue. Furthermore, you would be too young to show conclusive results."
  2170. "So, what are you- oh, shitniggers!"
  2171. >Phylum Strata is holding a sharp scalpel in her teeth and sinking it into her foreleg
  2172. >a perfect circle of horseflesh, about half the size of a dime, balances on the scalpel for a moment, and is flung onto a rectangular glass slide
  2173. "Uh, I thought you weren't able to do stuff like that anymore. Hence why you kidnapped me."
  2174. >the old doctor glares at you
  2175. >"I would advise you to think less on such matters. It may simply be that I judged my age to be less of a risk to my body than your squeamishness."
  2176. >may?
  2177. >"There is a roll of gauze in the cabinet on the left. Bring it to me."
  2178. >with her teeth, Phylum Strata ties the gauze around her leg
  2179. >"Now dispense a liberal amount of glucose solution onto the slide."
  2180. >"Now, with the micropipette, dispense two drops of my serum onto the slide
  2181. >"Ah, and I shall cover it with… this petri dish."
  2182. >and, just like that, the trial is underway
  2183. >in the central hub of the lair, a surprise is waiting
  2184. >Raspberry Heaven lies curled up next to a set checkers board
  2185. >at the sound of you and Phylum Strata entering, the filly stirs
  2186. >"Mother, are you finally done with your work?"
  2187. >"Not quite. My goodness, how long have you been waiting there?"
  2188. >"Um, perhaps a week. Would you like to play checkers with me, mother?"
  2189. >Phylum Strata scratches at her wattle for a moment
  2190. >"Very well. Ah, and Anonymous, I would advise you to get some sleep."
  2191. >that
  2192. >is something you intend to do
  2193.  
  2194. >sleep comes instantly
  2195. >you're in the desert
  2196. >furnace winds are blowing heat and sand all around
  2197. >you raise your arms defensively
  2198. >but the grains of sand are blowing right through them
  2199. >you're guessing that they're blowing right through your eyes too
  2200. >you put down your arms
  2201. >this looks like the plains outside of Picacholt
  2202. >yeah, out there in the distance, the lights of the small town shine defiantly against the nasty night
  2203. >in the opposite direction stand the mountains
  2204. >you try for a moment to pick out the lair of Phylum Strata
  2205. >but in this sandstorm, it's useless
  2206. >a voice cries out in the desert
  2207. >"Anon!"
  2208. >oh shit
  2209. >that's the last voice you want to hear
  2210. >a searchlight
  2211. >it's bright purple
  2212. >bright lavender
  2213. >almost white
  2214. >it swoops close to you
  2215. >nope nope nope
  2216. >you jump out of the light's path
  2217. >and then you see her
  2218. >in the light of her own horn, you can see that her eyes are stung red from the sand
  2219. >her mane is blowing wildly in the wind
  2220. >she takes a break from scanning the desert to cough and sputter into her foreleg
  2221. >at her side stands a pony you haven't seen before
  2222. >she's taller
  2223. >blue
  2224. >would that be Princess Luna?
  2225. >you'd better hide, boy
  2226. >uh, is there a big rock somewhere?
  2227. >or something like a…
  2228. >that giant fucking cactus!
  2229. >you leap behind it and stand as straight as possible
  2230. >and just in time
  2231. >the searchlight passes your hiding spot
  2232. >the shadow only sillhouettes the cactus
  2233. >you stick your head through the cactus for a moment
  2234. >just to look at her
  2235. >just to look at Twilight fucking Sparkle
  2236. >"Anon!"
  2237. >the big blue pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder
  2238. >says something
  2239. >Twilight says something back
  2240. >blue pony shakes her head
  2241. >Twilight scowls
  2242. >stamps her hoof
  2243. >sighs
  2244. >turns around and follows the blue pony back into town
  2245. >thank fuck
  2246. >"Anon."
  2247. >you cringe
  2248. >wheel around
  2249. >behind you stands Sombra
  2250. "Oh hey, dude."
  2251. >"Found you."
  2252. "Found me?"
  2253. >"Sensed dream magic. Followed it here."
  2254. "Dream… oh, shit, this is a dream!"
  2255. >"Yes."
  2256. "Oh good, I thought that was real."
  2257. >"Was real. Dream for you. Not for them. Magic."
  2258. "Shit, man, Twilight's getting awful close. Wait, I guess I kind of want that now."
  2259. >"She's leaving."
  2260. "Oh, fuck, yeah, let me just-"
  2261. >you leap out from behind your cactus
  2262. "Twilight!"
  2263. >fuck, they're awful far off by now
  2264. >did they stop for a moment?
  2265. >either way, it looks like they're still heading back into Picacholt
  2266. >maybe you can chase them?
  2267. >nope, never mind
  2268. >looks like whatever dream magic they were using wore off
  2269. >Twilight and her companion disappear
  2270. >the desert disappears
  2271. "Fuck!"
  2272. >you stand in a black void with Sombra
  2273. "Well, I can see that you're still here. Since you're not trapped in a shiny rock I assume you're in some kind of magic dream body or something?"
  2274. >"Yes."
  2275. "All right, where are you for real?"
  2276. >"Was moved. Thrown. Not sure. See skeletons."
  2277. "Skeletons?"
  2278. >"Yes."
  2279. "That's pretty spooky. Can you show me?"
  2280. >Sombra closes his eyes
  2281. >his horn glows blood-red
  2282. >but a pruny hoof slaps you awake
  2283. >and you're staring into the very-much-waking eyes of Phylum Strata
  2284. "Fuck!"
  2285. >"I should be the one shouting vulgarities, Anonymous. The trial was a failure."
  2286. "Was it?"
  2287. >"Yes. The tissue sample entered a state of rapid necrosis."
  2288. "Well, shit, you've got more of the serum, right? We'll just keep working on it til it's right."
  2289. >the doctor breathes a ragged breath
  2290. >"No. I will work on the serum until it is right. You will wait for further orders."
  2291. "Aye aye, doc."
  2292. >Phylum Strata shakes her head violently
  2293. >and storms out of the room
  2294. >all's not well in the state of this evil lair
  2295.  
  2296. Part 10: I Want to See the Sun
  2297.  
  2298. >you never thought you'd miss Phylum Strata ordering you to assist her in abominations of science
  2299. >but to tell the truth, you're kind of bored
  2300. >this is only the day after she disappeared into her lab without you
  2301. >you probably should be more anxious right about now
  2302. >but you seem to have burnt through all your anxiety
  2303. >you're sitting against the wall in the main hub
  2304. >Razzie is curled up on the opposite side
  2305. >a big red ball lazily rolls its way toward her
  2306. >she swats it
  2307. >and now the ball is lazily rolling to you
  2308. >at last, your sense of responsibility overcomes your apathy
  2309. >there's at least one productive thing you could be doing right now
  2310. "Hey Razzie."
  2311. >"Yes?"
  2312. "You know how to get into the caverns outside of here, don't you?"
  2313. >Razzie's head cocks
  2314. >"Yes."
  2315. "Wanna go exploring?"
  2316. >Razzie frowns
  2317. >then flops onto her back
  2318. >and finally, leaps to her hooves
  2319. >"That sounds like fun."
  2320. "Yeah?"
  2321. >"Follow me."
  2322. >wow
  2323. >you didn't have to drag that out of her at all
  2324. >Razzie must sneak out all the time
  2325. >the little red pony leads you into her bedroom
  2326. >taped to a low point on the wall is a large crayon drawing
  2327. >this Razzie carefully peels from the wall and gently sets on the floor
  2328. >"When mother first made the mechanical mares, one of them had an accident and made this hole. I never told mother about it."
  2329. >geez
  2330. >that wall only looks about half an inch thick
  2331. >but it is solid metal
  2332. >fucking scary robot horses
  2333. "Nice."
  2334. >"There used to be other ways, but mother locked them. You'll have to squeeze through here."
  2335.  
  2336. >it's a bit of a tight fit
  2337. >but you do make it
  2338. >all right
  2339. >if you can find skeletons, you can find Sombra
  2340. >he's gotta be out here somewhere
  2341. >you brush the cave dust off of your pants
  2342. >and see Razzie smiling sweetly at you
  2343. >oh shit
  2344. >you can't let Razzie see skeletons
  2345. >she's too little, it would spook her for life
  2346. >hang on now, think, there's gotta be a way to make this happen…
  2347. >"Um, Anon?"
  2348. "Yeah?"
  2349. >"You have been outside of these caverns, right?"
  2350. "Yeah."
  2351. >"Is the sky really blue?"
  2352. >heh
  2353. "Sometimes. Some days it can be white or grey, and at night it's black. But yeah, sometimes it's blue. Sometimes it's really blue."
  2354. >"Could you show me?"
  2355. "If I could find my way out of here."
  2356. >"I think I know a way. Do you see those hoofprints?"
  2357. >it never ceases to amuse you that perfectly smooth pony hooves always leave horseshoe-shapes wherever they trod
  2358. >you spot a big mass of horseshoe-shapes in the… something… light?
  2359. >actually, how the hell is this cavern lighted?
  2360. >it's too red to be sunlight leaking in
  2361. "Yeah, over there."
  2362. >"I've followed them as far as they go, but they get to a point that I can't climb over."
  2363. "I can help with that."
  2364. >Razzie bounces and grins
  2365. >"Follow me."
  2366. >it'll be a few more days before it strikes you as odd that you never wondered what made the hoofprints
  2367. >but when you come around a corner in the cavern you see what's lighting it
  2368. >apparently mountains sometimes have deep pits inside of their caverns
  2369. >and sometimes those pits have roiling pools of red-hot magma at the bottom
  2370.  
  2371. >finally
  2372. >you reach a point where white light seems to shine in from just around the next corner
  2373. >"Is that the sun?"
  2374. "I think… it…"
  2375. >and there it is
  2376. >the blue sky above
  2377. >the pale yellow sands below
  2378. "Is."
  2379. >"Wow…"
  2380. "Razzie, don't look straight at the sun like that, you'll hurt your eyes."
  2381. >well, you didn't notice any skeletons on the way out here
  2382. >but at least you've found the sun
  2383. >just imagine, a little over a year or two ago you didn't think you'd care if you ever felt the sun on your face again
  2384. >in the distance, you can see a town
  2385. >would that be Picacholt?
  2386. >huh
  2387. >you could escape right now
  2388. >but what about Razzie?
  2389. >she can't climb back home on her own
  2390. >what if you took her with you?
  2391. >no, she should stay with her mother
  2392. >Doc Strata seems like she's having a change of heart
  2393. >the whole youth serum thing to replace the brain-swapping thing
  2394. >it feels like a pretty major step away from mad scientism
  2395. >in a year or so, she might even be a perfectly pleasant pony to talk to
  2396. >besides, she's about to let you go anyway
  2397. >she'll probably even just give Sombra back to you
  2398. >if you tried to escape now she might just recapture you and do something horrible to you
  2399. >and that would undo all the progress she's made
  2400. >"Anon, is it this hot everywhere outside?"
  2401. "Not everywhere. Some places actually get really cold."
  2402. >"I'd like to go there some day. I don't think I like the heat very much."
  2403. "You wanna go back inside?"
  2404. >"In a little bit. What's that thing up in the sky?"
  2405. "That's a bird."
  2406.  
  2407. Part 11: Pancakes
  2408.  
  2409. >when Phylum Strata finally emerges from her laboratory, her forelegs are covered in dozens of strips of gauze
  2410. >Razzie jumps to her hooves at the sight
  2411. >"Mother! Are you done with your work yet?"
  2412. >"Oh, Raspberry Heaven. Maybe. Probably not. Can I ever really be done with my work?"
  2413. >Razzie taps her chin with a little red hoof
  2414. >"I don't know."
  2415. "You all right, doc? You look a little, uh, cut up."
  2416. >"Don't worry about me, Anonymous. I may be rid of these wounds sooner than you think."
  2417. "So the serum… works?"
  2418. >"Oh, not quite. Do you know, Anonymous, I think I shall send you home today."
  2419. "Home?"
  2420. >"Home."
  2421. "Home home?"
  2422. >"If by that you mean, 'Earth,' then yes, home. You actually finished the transportation device quite some time ago. I never told you for fear you would use it."
  2423. "Whoah. There's still those couple of things I'd like to take care of here in Equestria, but… whoah."
  2424. >"Yes, of course, of course. I presume you should like to go to Picacholt, and then to Ponyville."
  2425. >uh
  2426. >not sure about Ponyville
  2427. >actually
  2428. >fuck it
  2429. >if you're literally never going to see her again, you might as well take the time to talk to Twilight
  2430. "Sure."
  2431. >"Good. Now first I'm going to need your help with one more task."
  2432. "What's that?"
  2433. >"Ah, we can discuss that after I make some breakfast for you and Raspberry Heaven."
  2434.  
  2435. "Whoah, doc, that's a lot of pancakes."
  2436. >"Is it? You are a rather large creature, and Raspberry Heaven is a growing filly."
  2437. "Well, that's true."
  2438. >"Please, both of you, eat."
  2439. >Razzie stabs a pancake
  2440. >then tilts her head
  2441. >"Mother, aren't you going to have anything to eat?"
  2442. >Phylum Strata waves a pruny hoof
  2443. >"Oh, no. This meal would be wasted on this old body."
  2444. "You know, doc, you seem different."
  2445. >"Do I?"
  2446. "Yeah. You seem awful, uh, sentimental lately."
  2447. >"Well, I suppose I would."
  2448. "Well, what happened?"
  2449. >the good doctor scratches at her chin
  2450. >"I have realized my own mortality."
  2451. >whoah
  2452. "Oh."
  2453. >Razzie pipes up
  2454. >"What is mortality?"
  2455. >a thin line of white appears underneath the doctor's irises
  2456. >"Mortality is the principle which says that all living things must die. For a body as old as mine, this must come very soon."
  2457. >whoah
  2458. >whoah
  2459. >you can't just say that to a little kid
  2460. >just look at Razzie, she's…
  2461. >thoughtfully chewing on pancakes?
  2462. >"I see."
  2463. >Razzie frowns
  2464. >"What would happen to me after you die, mother?"
  2465. >oh
  2466. >well, Razzie always was kind of weird
  2467. >"Do not worry, Raspberry Heaven. I have made arrangements for you to be taken care of for the rest of your life."
  2468. >silence reigns at the breakfast table of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
  2469. >after a while, even the sound of forks and knives clinking against plates ceases
  2470. >finally, Phylum Strata clears her throat
  2471. >"Raspberry Heaven, would you follow me? There is something I must show you."
  2472. >Razzie slides out of her chair
  2473. >and she looks up at her creator
  2474. >with great, big, red eyes
  2475. >all sparkling with wonder
  2476. >"Yes, mother."
  2477. >Phylum Strata leads her daughter into the main hub
  2478. >you follow after them
  2479. >"Anonymous, wait out here. When we are done, I shall give you your final task."
  2480. >the pair of them disappear through an automatic sliding door
  2481. >huh
  2482. >you wonder at the intricacies of Doctor Phylum Strata
  2483. >it's like she's transformed from some kind of cold psychopath
  2484. >into something almost like a friendly grandma
  2485. >was that from you?
  2486. >surely you aren't that lovable
  2487. >…
  2488. >wait
  2489. >…
  2490. >wait a second
  2491. >…
  2492. >that room Phylum Strata took Raspberry Heaven into
  2493. >isn't that
  2494. >the operation room?
  2495.  
  2496. Part 12: Choosing a Side
  2497.  
  2498. >okay
  2499. >no
  2500. >it's fine
  2501. >probably
  2502. >you feel on the verge of throwing up
  2503. >but surely
  2504. >surely
  2505. >your fears are unfounded
  2506. >the doc seemed so much like she'd changed
  2507. >although it was awful sudden
  2508. >although she did say she could fake "sentimentality" if she needed to
  2509. >although she is possibly the most intelligent creature in two worlds, and could likely easily trick you
  2510. >but surely
  2511. >surely you're just being paranoid
  2512. >things never turn out as bad as you imagine
  2513. >so Phylum Strata is alone in the operation room with Razzie
  2514. >the same operation room where she made you commit horrific atrocities
  2515. >but surely, she wouldn't subject her daughter to those same atrocities
  2516. >even though she's said that Razzie is a temporary entity
  2517. >even though she's said she's okay with sacrificing fillies on the altar of science
  2518. >but there's no way
  2519. >there's just no way
  2520. >things that exciting just don't happen to you
  2521. >you helped save the world just last year, and even that was awful anti-climatic
  2522. >you got caught up in a western just recently, and only ended up meekly getting run out of town
  2523. >no
  2524. >the choice you're afraid you're going to have to make here
  2525. >it can't be real
  2526. >it's just not your lot in life
  2527. >the door whirrs open
  2528. >"Anonymous, come in."
  2529.  
  2530. >what you see
  2531. >matches what you feared
  2532. >matches so exactly
  2533. >that you don't realize you're seing it for several moments
  2534. >and then your head is dunked into boiling water
  2535. >you can't stand up straight
  2536. >you can barely see
  2537. >there
  2538. >on the table
  2539. >not moving
  2540. >not breathing
  2541. >is Raspberry Heaven
  2542. >you're on your knees
  2543. "I-is she…"
  2544. >you can't say it
  2545. >"What? Dead? Of course not, how in the world could my brain survive in a dead body? You should know very well by now about my chemically-induced simulated-death."
  2546. >Phylum Strata puts her chin to her hoof
  2547. >"Though I suppose I will have to destroy her brain afterward, as a precaution."
  2548. >Phylum Strata's cutie mark is the kind you normally only see on magically-inclined unicorns
  2549. >plastered across her wrinkled old butt is an irregular field of red
  2550. >darker red than the rest of her
  2551. >the kind of red that you might see in canned berries
  2552. >the kind of red that you might see in dried blood
  2553. >on top of the field of berry-blood there are
  2554. >one
  2555. >two
  2556. >…
  2557. >eighteen stars
  2558. >not arranged into any particular shape that you can make out
  2559. >the celestial vision of a wrinkled butt
  2560. >prefigured by her birth name as Raspberry Heaven
  2561. >eager to be bloodied by the slaughter of an unbirthed daughter of that same name
  2562. >"Anonymous! Why are you staring at my flank?"
  2563.  
  2564. >Phylum Strata is waving a hoof in front of your unblinking face
  2565. >she groans
  2566. >"I expected this response. Anonymous, let me remind you of our agreement. Once you accomplish this small favor for me, I can send you home. I alone can send you home, and I will only do so if you abide by the terms of our agreement."
  2567. >"Furthermore, with you as my point of contact, my wealth of scientific knowledge can revolutionize Earth as well as Equestria. I alone can grant your world the things which your science fiction has caused you to dream of. Flying cars, cities on distant planets, those women with cat's ears, and much much more. Not to mention the fame and fortune which you would recieve as my liason."
  2568. >"But, Anonymous, my body is dying. I am doubtful if it will function for even one more year. I have kept it carefully concealed from you, but in the time since your arrival I have suffered no fewer than two heart attacks. My brain is yet in perfect condition, between the rigorous excercise I subject it to and the chemical substances I replenish it with, but if this body dies with my brain still in it, then my vast stores of knowledge will be lost. Forever."
  2569. >"Thus, a sacrifice is necessary. There is a pony who would not exist if I had not created her for my own benefit. In all of existence, there are only two living creatures who have known her. She has no family or friends who will mourn her. She must be sacrificed for the greater good. I cannot be the one to place my own brain in her body, so it must be you who makes this sacrifice, Anonymous."
  2570. >"I have tried to spare her. I thought that perhaps I could find a better use for her later, and I tried to create the serum of youth to answer the question of my own mortality. But in this, I failed. For reasons I cannot yet understand, the serum only causes my tissues to putrify with horrific rapidity. With a new life, I may have time to perfect the serum and ensure that this sacrifice need not be made again. But as it is, I am out of time, and the sacrifice must be made now. And it must be made by you."
  2571. >you feel like you must be looking at the world through a glass of milk
  2572. "Doc…"
  2573. "Doc… I can't…"
  2574. >"You can."
  2575. "Razzie… Razzie's a good kid, doc. I think… I think… she's my… friend. Doc, no…"
  2576. >Phylum Strata's lip curls cruelly
  2577. >"Friend? Nothing less from the vassal of Twilight Sparkle, I suppose. So Raspberry Heaven is safe, because she is your friend, hm? Well, what of the others, whose lives you ruined at my direction? One of them was a small filly herself, not much older than Raspberry Heaven. Was she more deserving of that fate than Raspberry Heaven, merely because you did not happen to have met her before? Was the cause of the fetishist who craved her body more noble than my quest for science? Answer me."
  2578. >you're ill
  2579. >you can't even kneel now
  2580. >what she says is true
  2581. >you're lying prostrate
  2582. "Doc… you're right. I should have said no to you a long time ago. I'm sorry… I'm sorry I didn't."
  2583. >"Hypocrite! Coward! I know why you obeyed me then. I threatened you with death, and you feared me. Are you so much more brave now? Even now, my mechanical mares are in this very room, ready to end your miserable life!"
  2584. >slowly
  2585. >painfully
  2586. >you climb to your feet
  2587. >and you tower over the mad scientist Phylum Strata
  2588. >Phylum Strata, her face blackened in your shadow, roars and stalks to a nearby workbench
  2589. >there, she thrusts her hoof into a sort of metal sleeve
  2590. >and she shows it to you
  2591. >there, five mechanical fingers undulate menacingly
  2592. >"Do not presume to be prepared for the punishments of Phylum Strata! Behold, I have deceived you. I am still more than capable of operating my finger machine. The real purpose of your assistance was to prepare you for this very day."
  2593. >the false fingers of Phylum Strata flex into a fist
  2594. >"With this, I can grant you fates far worse than mere death. You know what I am capable of."
  2595. >Hi God, it's me, Anonymous.
  2596. >If I resist abomination now, will you forgive me the times I submitted to it before?
  2597. >If I lay down my life for a child now, will you forgive me the times I laid down a child's life for myself before?
  2598. >And if not, is there any way I could get into the Hell for Equestria, instead of the one for Earth?
  2599. >I'd like at least a chance to see Twilight again.
  2600. >regards, Anon
  2601. >you stretch your arms out and take a big, monstrous step toward Phylum Strata
  2602. >she shrieks
  2603. >from behind, something hard hits your head
  2604. >the mechanical mares, no doubt
  2605. >you're pretty sure they reopened the head wound they gave you when you first met them
  2606. >and then you're not sure of anything
  2607. >because the world goes black
  2608.  
  2609. ACT IV: Synthetic Mares of Marenberg
  2610. Part 1: Anon Almost Dies
  2611.  
  2612. >when you wake up, you seem to have all of your senses
  2613. >although your fingers feel pretty numb
  2614. >you've been completely immobilized with some sort of straps on a metal table
  2615. >you can't crane your neck to see if anything horrific has been done to you yet
  2616. >but
  2617. >for the time being
  2618. >you feel like you're all in one piece
  2619. >judging by the ceiling, you're still in the operation room
  2620. >you attempt to scream profanities in your terror
  2621. >but even your chin has been strapped in place, and you can't really get your mouth open
  2622. >the "shit fuck niggers" that comes out through your teeth sounds squeaky and strangled
  2623. >but it's enough to elicit a gravelly chuckle from an aged and evil scientist
  2624. >you don't see her
  2625. >but you can hear her nearby
  2626. >"I was beginning to worry I'd fouled the procedure, Anonymous. You were taking so long to wake up."
  2627. >the muffled nonsense that you spout would have been a really witty quip
  2628. >you swear, it would have been great
  2629. >well, it might have actually been frantic pleading for your life
  2630. >whichever it really was, the world may never know
  2631. >regardless, your outburst is ignored
  2632. >"I pondered what your fate should be for quite some time. In a rare moment of mercy, I decided that a fairly quick and painless death would be enough."
  2633. >oh fuck
  2634. >this is really it then, huh
  2635. >for a moment, you're shrieking and struggling
  2636. >and then you're not
  2637. >it's so readily apparent to you that survival is not a possibility
  2638. >that your survival instinct shuts down
  2639. >there's a sort of lightheaded euphoria in your brain
  2640. >is time moving slower?
  2641. >or faster?
  2642. >"Calm down. You shall not die quite yet. In further mercy, I have decided to educate you before destroying you. Knowledge is really the only good in the world, and it is better that you should have some before I send you into oblivion."
  2643. >drool and tears are somehow pooling on the table by your face
  2644. >"This knowledge may be somewhat painful for you."
  2645. >the sound of a switch flicks through your ear
  2646. >"But I assure you that, in your own small way, you will benefit from it."
  2647. >something clatters on the other side of the room
  2648. >"You shall soon see the benefits of an objectivist's education. You suppose that you've done a very good and noble thing here by placing your life on the line for Raspberry Heaven."
  2649. >honestly, the thought of how you got into this predicament hadn't even crossed your mind since you woke up
  2650. >but sure
  2651. >it's kind of comforting to know that you refused to scoop out the brains of a little kid
  2652. >"Well. I'd like you to see for yourself that Raspberry Heaven would not do the same for you."
  2653.  
  2654. >"Raspberry Heaven, dear, get up."
  2655. >the voice which must be Razzie's
  2656. >doesn't sound very much like Razzie
  2657. >"Mother?"
  2658. >that voice
  2659. >it's way too deep
  2660. >"Mother, I... what's happened to me?"
  2661. >"Your mother has made you big and strong, child. I need your help."
  2662. >oh fuck
  2663. >oh shit
  2664. >visions of Razzie, bloated and purple and covered in tentacles, are flashing through your mind's eye
  2665. >you failed to save the happy little filly either way then
  2666. >and now whatever she's been replaced with is going to kill you
  2667. >fuck, man
  2668. >this is psycotic
  2669. >this is horror
  2670. >why won't they just get it over with already?
  2671. >"Um, if this is me, then that over there, it must be... Anon?"
  2672. >"Yes, dear, it is. Anonymous has been very bad, and must be dealt with."
  2673. >you're straining your eyes to see what's going on
  2674. >but you just can't make it happen
  2675. >"What do you need me for, mother?"
  2676. >"I only need you to depress that switch over there. It will make Anonymous go to sleep forever. Then, I've got a very simple procedure I'd like you to do for me. We can go over the instructions after you've depressed the switch."
  2677. >oh please
  2678. >please no
  2679. >the crooked old prune
  2680. >the psychotic fucking bat
  2681. >she wants to put her brain in your body
  2682. >wants to wear your face
  2683. >she's got a portal to Earth, too
  2684. >what if your mother sees?
  2685. >it's too much to bear
  2686. >spurred on by the fear of more than just death, you grunt and thrash as much as your restraints allow
  2687. >Razzie, don't do it
  2688. >somebody
  2689. >anybody
  2690. >if this were a movie
  2691. >now would be the perfect moment for Twilight and her friends to come crashing into the lab
  2692. >to save you
  2693. >it's not going to happen though
  2694. >"Sleep... forever? You mean he'll die, mother?"
  2695. >"In a manner of speaking, yes. He would die at some point after you depressed the switch."
  2696. >"But, mother... I think... that I would be sad if Anon died."
  2697. >okay
  2698. >wait
  2699. >no
  2700. >Razzie, do it
  2701. >she'll fucking kill you if you don't
  2702. >"You will do as I say, or you will die."
  2703. >"M-mother?"
  2704. >the menacing, clanking lockstep of the mechanical mares
  2705. >"But, mother, Anon is my friend!"
  2706. >"Friend? Don't be ridiculous! There is no such thing!"
  2707. >"Mother, I don't want to do it!"
  2708. >the wrathful roar of the hoary scientist
  2709. >the clank of steel hooves
  2710. >the sound of metal striking flesh
  2711. >a terrific clatter
  2712.  
  2713. Part 2: You Guys All Saw This Coming Like Ten Parts Ago
  2714.  
  2715. >you're not really sure what's going on when your own face flashes in front of your eyes
  2716. >strong hands tear away at your bonds
  2717. >you're tossed over a shoulder
  2718. >the next few minutes are kind of a blur
  2719. >there's a lot of noise
  2720. >some lights
  2721. >some darkness
  2722. >you're wondering if maybe you've already died
  2723. >soon it becomes very hot
  2724. >eventually things calm down
  2725. >and your brain realizes that you're not about to die anymore
  2726. >the mind-numbing effects of absolute terror recede
  2727. >and you realize you're being held tightly by big arms
  2728. >with a huge hand clasped over your mouth
  2729. >holy shit
  2730. >there aren't many sapient creatures in this world bigger than you
  2731. >could this be one of those monster-folk?
  2732. >why the fuck would a giant monster break into an evil lab to rescue you?
  2733. >maybe it's going to eat you
  2734. >"Okay, Anon, I think it's safe now. Please don't be frightened."
  2735. >the big arms set you down on the ground
  2736. >for some reason, you can't seem to find a comfortable way to stand
  2737. >or sit
  2738. >you settle on a sort of semi-squat, with your fists on the ground
  2739. >you're in a shallow cave
  2740. >beyond the entrance you can see the pale, cloudless sky of the desert
  2741. >and then you spot it
  2742. >the monster that carried you off
  2743. >it's the spitting image of yourself
  2744. >except it's so much bigger than you
  2745. >the creature awkwardly waves its big hand at you
  2746. >"Hello, Anon."
  2747. >no way…
  2748. "Razzie?"
  2749. >holy shit
  2750. >your voice sounds awful squeaky
  2751. >you're clearly still recovering from your near encounter with the great beyond
  2752. >"Yes"
  2753. "Whoah. I figured the doc had done something to you, but… she turned you into a clone of me? How did she get you so much bigger than me?"
  2754. >"Um, Anon…"
  2755. "Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. That's some pretty freaky science. Heh. Heh. Heh. H-how big do you think you are? Maybe like twenty feet tall?"
  2756. >"A-Anon… Have you… looked at yourself?"
  2757. "Oh, Razzie. I'm so very afraid to."
  2758. >"You really ought to."
  2759. >for the first time in your life
  2760. >you feel the sensation of that scrunchy expression on your face
  2761. >and you look down at where your arms should be
  2762. >and there
  2763. >you see
  2764. >a pair
  2765. >of stubby
  2766. >squishy
  2767. >pony hooves
  2768.  
  2769. >"Anon."
  2770. >"Anon?"
  2771. >you sigh
  2772. >and look up
  2773. "You know, this is actually the second time I've looked down and seen that I'd been turned into another species."
  2774. >"Is it?"
  2775. "Yeah."
  2776. >"And you were able to change back?"
  2777. "Yeah. It was just a little magic."
  2778. >Razzie's characteristic head-cock looks weird on your head
  2779. >"What is 'magic'?"
  2780. >oh geez
  2781. >Razzie's so sheltered, she's probably the only pony in this whole world who knows less about magic than you do
  2782. >well
  2783. >she's not strictly speaking a pony right now, is she?
  2784. "I wouldn't worry about it, it's not what happened to us."
  2785. >"Oh. So how do we change back?"
  2786. "Well, I assume we'd need your mother to do that. She must have taken out our brains and swapped them."
  2787. >"But my mother wants to make you die."
  2788. "Yeah. It's a bit of a problem."
  2789. >a bird of prey shrieks in the distance
  2790. >you flop down onto the cave floor and stare up
  2791. "Hey Razzie."
  2792. >"Yes?"
  2793. "How did we get out here, exactly?"
  2794. >"Um, the mechanical mares frightened me, so I hit them until they fell down. Then I ripped up the things that were holding you down and ran away through the hole in my wall."
  2795. "Fuck."
  2796. >"What is 'fuck'?"
  2797. "Uh, it's a very bad word, don't ever say it. I'm just frustrated."
  2798. >"Why are you frustrated?"
  2799. "If I'd known I was that strong, I would have done that for you while I had the chance."
  2800. >"You didn't know?"
  2801. "Nope."
  2802. >"I don't mean to upset you, but you were very much like a giant monster."
  2803. "I noticed."
  2804. >the supreme silence of the desert reigns for a moment
  2805. >"Anon?"
  2806. "Yeah?"
  2807. >"Did my mother ask you to make me die?"
  2808. >you look over at your own face
  2809. >somehow, it's easier to tell the truth to human football-eyes than it is to pony saucer eyes
  2810. "Yeah."
  2811. >"Oh."
  2812.  
  2813. >a shady spot in the desert holds a sort of magic to it
  2814. >not the sort of magic that splurts out of unicorn horns
  2815. >but the sort that bewitches the human mind
  2816. >it has a way of luring you into deep thought
  2817. >and from there, into total thoughtlessness
  2818. >the desert companions who allow their conversation to lapse run the risk of falling into hours of silent subconscious meditation together
  2819. >you've gotta admit, you've missed this
  2820. >that bluer sky
  2821. >that brighter sun
  2822. >"Um, Anon."
  2823. >alas
  2824. >your brain has been scooped into the body of a little filly
  2825. >and this somewhat sullies your enjoyment of nature
  2826. "Hm, yeah?"
  2827. >"What do we do now?"
  2828. >ah, fuck
  2829. >well
  2830. >it's probably time to admit that you've failed to make your own way in the world
  2831. >if this doesn't qualify as a sound defeat, you don't know what does
  2832. >good job to Twilight, looks like she was right
  2833. >actually, right about what?
  2834. >and when did you start thinking of this as a competition?
  2835. >no, this isn't a game of hide-and-seek anymore
  2836. >not while Razzie's life is hanging in the balance like this
  2837. >it's time to ask for help
  2838. "I have a friend who should be able to help us. We can head to that town down there and take a train to meet her."
  2839. >"A train! What are trains like, Anon?"
  2840. "Let's get down there and you'll find out."
  2841.  
  2842. Part 3: Anon Goes to Prison
  2843.  
  2844. >it turns out that climbing down a mountain on stubby baby pony legs is exhausting work
  2845. >so you're perched on your own shoulders, watching the town growing closer and closer
  2846. >by now, Piebald's thugs should have stopped their lookout for you
  2847. >all you gotta do is direct Razzie straight to the apple farm
  2848. >from there, it shouldn't be too hard to get a small loan for train fare out of Apple Fritter
  2849. >that is, of course, assuming that nothing terrible has happened to her
  2850. >you really have no idea how the situation in Picacholt has degenerated since you were abducted
  2851. >it would be pretty much a worst case scenario if Razzie got caught up in a gunfight for looking like you
  2852. >but the desperation of the situation drives you to boldness
  2853. >as long as it's straight to the farm, straight to the train, it should be fine
  2854. >and…
  2855. >where's the farm?
  2856. >you should be able to see it from here
  2857. >actually, where's the river the farm is on?
  2858. >the great big sign by the town finally becomes readable
  2859. >WELCOME TO MARENBERG
  2860. >fuck shit cuntdickering fucksticks
  2861. >this is the exact wrong side of the mountains
  2862. >shit man, you can't ask Razzie to climb over the mountain again, she's exhausted
  2863. >and besides that, this mountain is haunted by an evil genius with murderous robots
  2864. >but where the hell are you supposed to get the train fare now?
  2865.  
  2866. >finally on level ground, you're testing out your hooves for the first time
  2867. >okay
  2868. >wait
  2869. >your hooves?
  2870. >no
  2871. >you don't have hooves
  2872. >because human beings don't have hooves
  2873. >these are Razzie's hooves
  2874. >or
  2875. >are they yours right now because you're the brain in control of them?
  2876. >do you even still qualify as human?
  2877. >okay
  2878. >compromise
  2879. >for convenience of narration, you'll refer to them as your hooves
  2880. >but there should be an implicit understanding that they are NOT your hooves
  2881. >you're a man trapped in a filly's body
  2882. >wait, does that make you a tranny?
  2883. >no please fuck
  2884. >no, definitely not
  2885. >but
  2886. >does that mean that the appendages swinging above you are Razzie's hands?
  2887. >fuck
  2888. >you hate this
  2889. >okay
  2890. >same compromise there for right now
  2891. >they are NOT Razzie's hands
  2892. >they are your hands
  2893. >but for ease of narration, they'll be Razzie's hands for the time being
  2894. >usually, anyway
  2895. >holy fucking shit fillies are so little
  2896. >keeping up with Razzie's lengthy strides is frantic work
  2897. >and how do these little ponies tolerate everything being so big?
  2898. >your thoughts are interrupted when you smash face-first into your own leg
  2899. >momentarily dazed, you're forced to sit your tiny filly butt onto the coarse sand road
  2900. >"Anon? Where are we going?"
  2901. >you shake your head
  2902. "Uh, I'm not sure yet. We need to go somewhere we can make a few bits for the train ride to Ponyville."
  2903. >"Ponies give bits in return for goods and services, right?"
  2904. "Yeah, that's generally how it works."
  2905. >Razzie throws her head back and shouts to the citizens of Marenberg
  2906. >"Excuse me, is there anyone willing to exchange bits for a good or service?"
  2907. >you can't suppress a cringe
  2908. >some geezer with more bottles in his bag than teeth in his mouth shouts back
  2909. >"I'll give ya twunny fer sum good service w'that thar little'un!"
  2910. >the old drunkard laughs a "yee hee hee" kind of laugh and saunters off
  2911. >he's only being ironic, right bros?
  2912. >Razzie looks at you hopefully
  2913. >"Anon! That is exactly the cost of two train tickets, correct?"
  2914. "No!"
  2915. >"But the sign said-"
  2916. "I mean, yes, that is the cost of two train tickets, but no, that is not how we're going to get them."
  2917. >"Why not?"
  2918. "I'll explain when you're older."
  2919.  
  2920. >this is officially hopeless
  2921. >nobody in this whole town seems to have any use for a two-legged monster
  2922. >and the only use anyone can come up with for a little filly is "quality time"
  2923. >by the way, Razzie is starting to get frustrated with your continual refusal to do that
  2924. >if something doesn't happen soon you might have some real uncomfortable explaining to do
  2925. >"Hey now hold it right there, pard."
  2926. >blocking your path is a lithe, tan mare with a big hat on her head and a gold star on her vest
  2927. >oh shit it's the cops
  2928. >Razzie waves cheerily at the stern sherrif pony
  2929. >"Good morning, ma'am. Do you know of a place where we could exchange a good or service for some bits?"
  2930. >the policemare glares at Razzie over her big, dark sunglasses
  2931. >"'Scuse me, pard, you wanna tell me what a monster-fellar like you is doin' alone with a little filly like her?"
  2932. >"Um-"
  2933. "Hi ma'am, my name is Raspberry Heaven, and this is A-"
  2934. >wait
  2935. >just one town over there's a crooked sherrif and his henchmen on the lookout for you
  2936. >even closer than that is a mad scientist and her robots, also on the lookout for you
  2937. >and no doubt all over Equestria there are agents of the princesses looking to retrieve Sombra from you
  2938. >if you've got the choice, you'd rather explain yourself directly to Twilight, as opposed to Special Agent Glowing Nigger
  2939. "-and this is, uh, Larry."
  2940. >Razzie cocks her head at you
  2941. >"I'm Larry?"
  2942. "Of course you're Larry, Larry. Who else would you be?"
  2943. >you don't think you've ever actually met a Larry in your entire life
  2944. >who the hell would name their kid Larry these days anyway?
  2945. >the sherrif lowers her head to eye-level with yours
  2946. >"'Scuse me, li'l miss, is this here monster holdin' you 'gainst your will?"
  2947. >you wave a little hoof in front of your face
  2948. "Of course not, of course not, I-"
  2949. >the sherrif cocks an eyebrow at you
  2950. >maybe you should lay on some childish antics?
  2951. "I-in fact, I'm the one whose kidnapped him!"
  2952. >you can't tell what's going on behind those sunglasses
  2953. >but somehow
  2954. >you don't think your joke was appreciated
  2955. >the iron bars slam shut
  2956. >the sherrif walks away
  2957. >"I know'd there was summin funny 'bout you."
  2958. >you sit alone in a small, dark jail cell
  2959. "W-wait…"
  2960.  
  2961. >the door to the room adjacent to your cell opens
  2962. >and Razzie steps in
  2963. >"Anon, they said I can visit you now. I was really worried for a moment that Truth was going to arrest me for kidnapping you, because I look like a giant monster, but you really fooled them!"
  2964. "I sure did. Who's Truth?"
  2965. >"Truth Virey, the sherrif."
  2966. "Yeah? You make good friends with her while I was in here?"
  2967. >"Oh, yes, everyone has been very kind to me. They say I am a victim. What is a victim, by the way?"
  2968. "It's someone who gets hurt by someone else."
  2969. >"But you never hurt me."
  2970. "Exactly. Look, would you mind telling your good buddy the sherrif that I was only joking? Tell her I'm a very silly little filly who does silly things like this sometimes."
  2971. >"Oh! Of course! I assume you do not want to stay in jail."
  2972. "No, I do not."
  2973. >Razzie starts up to leave the room
  2974. >then stops
  2975. >"Um, I have one more question. Why did you call me Larry, as opposed to Anonymous?"
  2976. >you sigh
  2977. "There are some bad ponies looking for me. I don't want anyone to know my name until we're out of the west."
  2978. >"Bad ponies…"
  2979. >Razzie casts your eyes sadly down at the floor
  2980. >"You mean my mother?"
  2981. "Oh, Razzie, it's… not just her. Look I'm sorry, Im sure-"
  2982. >"When we meet your friend, will my mother go to a place like this? Like in the stories?"
  2983. "I don't know. My friend is really good at bringing out the best in people. Maybe not."
  2984. >"I don't know if I want her to go to jail."
  2985. >how do you even respond to something like that?
  2986. >you can't just tell her that her fucking mother was manipulating her for years on end for purely personal gain
  2987. >you're not even sure if that's entirely true
  2988. >but then, you were manipulated as well
  2989. >Razzie smiles a smile that's sad beyond her years
  2990. >"I will ask the sherrif to let you go now."
  2991. >for a few moments, you are alone
  2992. >and then the sherrif walks in, keys in her mouth and Razzie close behind
  2993. >the bars are unlocked and swung open for you
  2994. >the sherrif cranes her neck down and gives you a stern look over her sunglasses
  2995. >"Young lady, I hope you larnt summin today 'bout tellin' such awful jokes."
  2996. >you feel your face scrunching up again
  2997. >this bitch
  2998. >no
  2999. >stop
  3000. >calm down
  3001. "Yes, ma'am."
  3002.  
  3003. Part 4: Equestria Doesn't Have Child Labor Laws
  3004.  
  3005. >having paid your debt to society, you step outside into the desert night
  3006. >smiling at you and Razzie is a portly mare with a bright yellow coat and a magenta mane done up in a beehive
  3007. >"Hello again, Larry. And you must be little Raspberry Heaven."
  3008. >Razzie waves
  3009. >"Hello again, Merry!"
  3010. >she looks down at you
  3011. >"An- er, Razzie, this is Merry Vale. She has agreed to give us twenty bits in return for a service!"
  3012. "Oh, hello. Thank you."
  3013. >Merry Vale looks between you and the sherrif's office, and chuckles
  3014. >"Boy, that Truth Virey sure is easy to rile up, ain't she? Imagine locking up a sweet little critter like you for telling a silly little joke like that."
  3015. "Uh, well-"
  3016. >"Child, did you happen to see our sherrif's cutie mark?"
  3017. "It, uh, looked like a quill writing on a scroll."
  3018. >"The letter of the law. She's all right for keeping outlaws out, but sometimes she just ain't got any heart, or common sense."
  3019. "Yeah, I guess. What exactly is it you want us to do?"
  3020. >Merry Vale laughs uproariously
  3021. >"I like that. Larry, you're raising that filly right, with a head on her shoulders. Child, I run that little inn and eatery right over there. Tomorrow we got the big rodeo coming to town, and I sure could use a little extra help. I just need the pair of you to work for me tomorrow, and I'll be right happy to send you both on to Ponyville."
  3022. "Oh. That sounds nice."
  3023. >"It sure does. I'll even let the pair of you spend the night tonight. Come on, I got pie."
  3024.  
  3025. >turns out, working food service fucking sucks
  3026. >why the hell to people start restaraunts in the first place?
  3027. >Merry Vale claims to run the place all on her own most of the time
  3028. >it seems a dubious claim to you
  3029. >even just working in the kitchen, the proprietor looks to be moving in a constant whirlwind frenzy
  3030. >somehow she has a half a dozen or more meals ready for you to take to customers every time you check in with her
  3031. >this makes for a great deal of work for you
  3032. >at most, you can really only carry two meals at a time
  3033. >one plate in your mouth, and one on your back
  3034. >and that'd be a difficult enough task as it is
  3035. >but the old cook insisted you put on a little maid outfit for the occasion
  3036. >you understand now why ponies usually just go naked
  3037. >clothes feel very restrictive to your new, quadrupedal form
  3038. >Razzie, of course, is in the back washing the dishes
  3039. >the original proposition would have been for you to work in the back and Razzie in the front
  3040. >but to you, "big rodeo in town" means "ponies from all over the country in town"
  3041. >which might potentially mean "ponies you know in town"
  3042. >you really don't want anyone to recognize your face, which Razzie is wearing right now
  3043. >you haven't seen her more than a couple of times, but she seems to be doing all right
  3044. >yeah
  3045. >with your opposable thumbs
  3046. >and a back that's been hardened by vigorous workouts and long days of farm-work
  3047. >you groan
  3048. >apparently the good doctor never included gym class in Razzie's objectivist education program
  3049. >something catches your leg
  3050. >you fall flat on your face
  3051. >food flies everywhere
  3052. >"Now lookat what you done!"
  3053. >a stallion with a splotchy coat and a big black mustache is smirking at you
  3054. >when you knew him in your own body, he'd seemed ridiculous and pathetic to you
  3055. >right up until he smashed your face in anyway
  3056. >from your new point of view, however, he'd make a pretty intimidating figure even without the personal history
  3057. >Piebald gesticulates at mashed up food smeared on his loose leather vest
  3058. >"Ya done gone and made a mess of me, girl! I 'spect the meal I'm 'boutta order better be free."
  3059. "Oh, yes sir, of course sir, I'll tell the manager right away sir."
  3060. >"Hold up now, take my order first."
  3061. >a grim purpose fills your heart as you write down the evil cowboy pony's order
  3062. >this faggot's gonna eat spit for lunch
  3063.  
  3064. Part 5: The Un-Mares
  3065.  
  3066. >the sun sets
  3067. >the customers clear out
  3068. >you spend an hour or so cleaning up the dining area
  3069. >Razzie steps out of the scullery, clutching at her back
  3070. >she sprawls out into one of the chairs
  3071. >"Everything is so short, Anon. How do you stand bending over so much?"
  3072. "You gotta use your glutes, not your back."
  3073. >"What are glutes?"
  3074. "Ah, I'll show you how to squat later if we get a chance."
  3075. >"We should be back to normal soon, right?"
  3076. "Oh yeah. I give Twilight a week tops to set things right."
  3077. >"Is Twilight your friend?"
  3078. >oh, right
  3079. >Razzie wouldn't have heard of Princess Twilight, having been raised quite literally under a rock
  3080. >she'll have to get to know Twilight from scratch
  3081. >just like you did
  3082. "Yeah."
  3083. >Merry Vale makes her way out of the kitchen
  3084. >"Thanks for the help now, you two. Here's 20 bits each, just like I promised."
  3085. "Whoah, each?"
  3086. >"Oh, for sure, for sure. Buy yourself something sweet on the train, child, you hear?"
  3087. "G-gee, thanks."
  3088. >Merry Vale smiles
  3089. >"All right now, you two better make your make your way to the station to catch that train now."
  3090. "Yep, thanks for everything!"
  3091. >you start to make your way to the door
  3092. >but Razzie interrupts you
  3093. >"Um, wait, I need to use the restroom."
  3094. "Oh, yeah, yeah."
  3095. >you wait outside on the front step
  3096. >rodeo-goers walk in great herds, cheerily chatting with each other along the dirt roads of Marenberg
  3097. >but there are two mares among the crowds who catch your eye
  3098. >in later years, you won't remember the colors of their coats
  3099. >or their manes
  3100. >or their cutie marks
  3101. >only the utter stillness with which they stand
  3102. >only the eyes which stare but don't seem to see
  3103. >having noticed that you've noticed them, their mouths are twisted into smiles at the same time
  3104. >like marionettes, each one lifts a hoof and waves it
  3105. >and then
  3106. >they're walking toward you
  3107. >you get the sense of watching an imitation of living motions
  3108. >all very well studied and all technically correct
  3109. >but somehow
  3110. >lacking in a master touch
  3111. >well yeah okay so they're kind of creepy
  3112. >so what?
  3113. >people used to think you were creepy too
  3114. >well
  3115. >you do happen to have all the appearances of a small child right now
  3116. >they're getting closer
  3117. >okay, nope
  3118. >nope nope nope
  3119. >without taking your eyes off of the… mares
  3120. >you backtrack through the swinging saloon door of the restaraunt
  3121.  
  3122. >your flank bumps into a human leg
  3123. >"You durned monster! I'll have yer hide!"
  3124. >in the doorway to the bathroom, Piebald stands waving a revolver
  3125. "Oh, hey Razzie, I see you've been backing away from something too."
  3126. >"Yes. Why does that pony want to shoot me?"
  3127. "Uh, that's one of the bad ponies who's been looking for me."
  3128. >"Why has he been looking for you?"
  3129. "I dunno. He actually told me that if I got to Marenberg I'd be free to take a train back to Ponyville."
  3130. >a revolver shot embeds itself into the wood floor
  3131. >"What are you talking to that brat about, monster? If yer friends with her I'll… I'll have yer hide twice as bad!"
  3132. >"Now what does he have against you when you look like me?"
  3133. "Man, I dunno. He tripped me and got a free lunch out of it."
  3134. >Merry Vale stands in the door to the kitchen armed with a fying pan
  3135. "Oh, a scandal! A scandal in my home!"
  3136. >the saloon doors swing open
  3137. >the un-mares stroll inside
  3138. >Razzie sees them, and lets loose a small cry
  3139. >"Are they what you were backing away from, Anon?"
  3140. "Yup."
  3141. >in an instant, you're being manhandled by your own arm
  3142. >Razzie shoves the un-mares aside and races out the doors
  3143. >the sound of a revolver shot cracks out, and you hear something like electricity arcing
  3144. >and soon Razzie is flattened around the corner of the nearest building, holding you tightly in her arms
  3145. >"Mr. Nonermous? What are you doing with that there filly?"
  3146. >oh, fuck
  3147. >of all the shit you didn't want to see right now
  3148. "Run, run, run, run!"
  3149. >Razzie runs
  3150. >"Is that another bad pony?"
  3151. "No, that's just Applejack."
  3152. >"Will she shoot at us?"
  3153. "No, but she will nag at us."
  3154. >"What is 'nagging'?"
  3155. "You don't want to find out."
  3156. >"Hey, wait, Mr. Nonermous!"
  3157. >Piebald turns round a corner
  3158. >"Nonermous!"
  3159. >Truth Virey comes running round another corner
  3160. >"I heard someone shoutin' 'bout Nonermous the outlaw. Did you see him, Larry?"
  3161. >you point at Piebald
  3162. "He went that way!"
  3163. >the sherrif looks, and gasps
  3164. >"Piebald the outlaw! In my town?"
  3165. >all right
  3166. >now all Razzie's gotta do is outrun Applejack
  3167. >oh shit, she's gaining fast
  3168. >but there's the train!
  3169. >the un-mares walk in from opposite directions to block the train doors
  3170. >unable to stop in time, Razzie bowls them over and tumbles inside of the train
  3171. >the door snaps shut
  3172. >the engines start
  3173. >and Applejack skids to a stop just in time to avoid tripping over the un-mares
  3174. >Razzie holds you close to her chest and buries her face in her own mane
  3175. "We're safe."
  3176.  
  3177. "Okay Razzie, we've been on the floor for like 10 minutes now. Let's get into one of those seats before the conductor shows up."
  3178. >"Um, yes."
  3179. >Razzie releases you from her bear hug of death
  3180. >she clambers into one of the seats in a way that looks pretty awkward on a human body
  3181. >and she looks down to hide the grin on your face
  3182. >"It was just like something out of the stories."
  3183. >you climb onto the seat next to her in a way that no doubt betrays your unfamiliarity with being a tiny, quadrupedal ungulate
  3184. >good thing there's noone else in the car to stare
  3185. "Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that."
  3186. >"Is life outside always so exciting?"
  3187. "Not normally."
  3188. >"I wish that it could be."
  3189. "Be careful what you wish for. We could have gotten hurt."
  3190. >"That is true. I am being silly."
  3191. >in the reflection of the train window across from you, you witness your own body settle into a childish pensiveness
  3192. >beyond the reflection, a weird glow emanates from one of the mountains as it slides backwards in your field of view
  3193. >you wonder if it's a strange, lost magic of Darkstar the Peg-Horned
  3194. >or if it's just Phylum Strata promoting the local legend
  3195. "Hey, Razzie."
  3196. >"Hm?"
  3197. "You looked like you recognized those… mares. Do you know who they were? Or what?"
  3198. >"They are the mechanical mares."
  3199. >a coyote, sitting in the dark sands, staring at the train, motionlessly, flashes past the window in a brief moment
  3200. "How?"
  3201. >"Mother sometimes dresses them in skin and sends them into town to purchase food. It was their tracks which we followed to the outside."
  3202. "That's awful."
  3203. >you're thinking about what the cowboy grocery ponies of Marenberg must think about their silent, creepy customers
  3204. >"Yes. If they had caught us, then surely…"
  3205. >the flat, sandy plains give way to jagged, grassy ones
  3206. >"I still need to use the restroom. I never got a chance to do so in Marenberg. Excuse me."
  3207. "Yeah, yeah, go ahead."
  3208. >Razzie gets up and walks toward the little closet-sized room labelled "Stallions"
  3209. >she spends a few moments struggling to fit inside, but eventually gets the door closed
  3210. >the moon shines a sickly yellow color from its spot in the sky
  3211. >"Anon!"
  3212. >oh please, don't tell me she's in danger in there!
  3213. >you race toward the restroom door and bang on it
  3214. "Razzie, what's wrong?"
  3215. >"I need help!"
  3216. "Razzie! What's going on?"
  3217. >"How do I urinate like this?"
  3218. >good thing there's noone else in the car to stare
  3219.  
  3220. Part 6: Reunions, Just Not the Ones You Wanted
  3221.  
  3222. >the conductor shakes Razzie awake, which shakes you awake in turn
  3223. >"Excuse me, sir, weren't you getting off at Ponyville? We're there now, if you don't get up you'll have to get off at Canterlot."
  3224. "Uh, thanks, mister."
  3225. >"It's what I'm here for, young lady."
  3226. >you cringe
  3227. >hopefully Twilight can put a stop to this nonsense soon
  3228. "Come on, Razzie, I'd carry you except right now you're ten times bigger than me."
  3229. >the day is still young, a few pink tendrils of dawn still lingering in the sky
  3230. >the streets only have a small handful of ponies right now
  3231. >nobody you actually know
  3232. >though no doubt many of them recognize the hulking body that Razzie currently occupies
  3233. >it's already warm out, leading you to wonder how long exactly you'd been locked up in that mountain
  3234. >this might be like… July weather?
  3235. >so maybe it's been about a month since you were captured
  3236. >and a little over two since you've been to Ponyville
  3237. "She lives over there, Razzie. This way."
  3238. >"In that… mountain?"
  3239. "You've never seen a tree before today, have you?"
  3240. >"I thought trees were made of wood. Like those, over there."
  3241. "Yeah, they are. That thing over there is technically a castle, it's just shaped like a tree."
  3242. >"I do not like the way it looks."
  3243. "I don't think anyone does."
  3244. >you make your way up to the door
  3245. >and hesitate
  3246. >you haven't spoken to Twilight since…
  3247. >and now everything's gotten all…
  3248. >you sigh
  3249. >no
  3250. >no autism
  3251. >not today
  3252. >you knock on the door
  3253. >shortly, Spike opens it
  3254. >his eyes alight on Razzie
  3255. >and narrow
  3256. >"Oh, look who decided to show up."
  3257. >"Um…"
  3258. >"You know, you really hurt Twilight's feelings."
  3259. >"I am… sorry?"
  3260. "Um, yeah, that's part of why we're here. Can we speak to Twilight?"
  3261. >Spike glares at you
  3262. >"And who are you supposed to be?"
  3263. "That's, uh, kind of a long story."
  3264. >"Well, you just missed her. Twilight and the gang all went to some town called Marenberg to watch Applejack compete in a rodeo."
  3265. >you stamp your hoof
  3266. "Mother fuck!"
  3267. >"Whoah, you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
  3268. "With this mouth? Never in all my life. Come on Razzie, let's wait by the train station. She's probably on her way back right now."
  3269.  
  3270. >"Why are your friend's feelings hurt?"
  3271. >the last traces of dawn have retreated from the sky, leaving it robin's-egg blue
  3272. >there's a few more ponies out and about now
  3273. >and all of them are casting you weird looks
  3274. >you sigh
  3275. "I guess it's because I left her without saying goodbye."
  3276. >"Why would you do that? Did she try to make you die?"
  3277. "No, no, no. Nothing like that. It's just, well, because she hurt my feelings too."
  3278. >"How?"
  3279. "Oh, shoot, Razzie. It's grown-up stuff. I might tell you when you're older."
  3280. >"I am older."
  3281. "I mean when your brain is older."
  3282. >"How much older?"
  3283. "I don't know. Look, it's not just grown-up stuff, it's also… private stuff."
  3284. >"You mean like love?"
  3285. "Love? I know about all that, now."
  3286. >"So you are not in love with her?"
  3287. >the train station is within sight now
  3288. >and the sound of a whistle in the distance tells you that the next train is near
  3289. "Uh, no, I don't think so."
  3290. >"Maybe she is in love with you?"
  3291. "Razzie, please, I really doubt that. Listen, sometimes people are selfish. Sometimes they just do what they want without thinking about others' feelings. That's all that happened here. It's better to forgive them when they do it, but sometimes that's hard. Sometimes, when your feelings get hurt by someone else doing something selfish, you'll do something selfish back. Not even usually as revenge, it's just because when your own feelings are hurting it's hard to remember everyone else's feelings too. Okay? Please let it go now."
  3292. >Razzie doesn't respond
  3293. "Razzie?"
  3294. >you don't even hear her walking behind you now
  3295. "Razzie? Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound…"
  3296. >you don't see her anywhere
  3297. "… harsh…"
  3298. >something pinches your neck
  3299. >and your vision begins to darken
  3300. >the last thing you see is the cold, grinning face
  3301. >of an un-mare
  3302.  
  3303. Part 7: The Objectivity Room
  3304.  
  3305. >when you wake up in the operating room of Phylum Strata, the first thing you do is try to wiggle your fingers
  3306. >success
  3307. >well
  3308. >at the very least, you'll die in your own body
  3309. >your arms and legs are tied down
  3310. >but there are no restraints on your mouth this time
  3311. "Doc! Doc!"
  3312. >"I am here, Anonymous."
  3313. "Fuck you, doc."
  3314. >"Feeling braver today, are we? I can still have you killed, you know."
  3315. >that shuts you up
  3316. >"I suppose, then, that you are still unwilling to help me."
  3317. "Yeah, I guess."
  3318. >"I still offer you your chance to go home."
  3319. "I'm not killing Razzie."
  3320. >"She does not necessarily have to die, I suppose. I could place her brain in a machine through which it could speak to you. You could even take this with you on your journeys. What do you say to that?"
  3321. "I say that sounds pretty horrific, doc."
  3322. >the doctor sighs
  3323. >"As I feared, you are hopelessly sentimental. I am afraid I will have to cure you of that."
  3324. >the table you're strapped to suddenly raises on one end
  3325. >the door to the operating room whirrs open
  3326. >and you're wheeled out into the main hub
  3327. >Phylum Strata walks alongside you
  3328. >she leads the table through a number of hubs
  3329. >until at last you come out into the caverns
  3330. >this isn't the part you were in before
  3331. >coming to a large chamber, the doctor stops, and bids the mechanical mare wheeling you around do the same
  3332. >this cavern chamber is lit up with the special radium bulbs of Phylum Strata
  3333. >and in the weird light you see
  3334. >bones
  3335. >piles
  3336. >and piles
  3337. >of misshapen
  3338. >bones
  3339. >skulls with three eye sockets
  3340. >whole skeletons with one giant foreleg
  3341. >and more
  3342. >"These are the bones upon which the life of Raspberry Heaven sits. I spent years and years before I perfected the process of replicating myself. If you saw them live, you would no doubt consider them horrible, misshapen creatures. When I created Raspberry Heaven, I stopped creating these creatures. When I built the mechanical mares, I had the ones who still lived killed. Yes, they were horrible and misshapen indeed. And very stupid as well."
  3343. >she looks you directly in the eye
  3344. >"But they were, in reality, nothing less than the elder sisters of Raspberry Heaven herself. Are you having a change of heart yet?"
  3345. "Uh… no."
  3346. >"Very well. Let us continue then."
  3347. >down
  3348. >down
  3349. >down the dark cavern corridors
  3350. >until at last you come to a quaint little wooden door
  3351. >Phylum Strata opens it, and you're wheeled inside
  3352.  
  3353. >"I have told you before that this mountain was once the haunt of the wizard Darkstar. This is one of the traces he left behind."
  3354. >it looks like a cozy little sitting room to you
  3355. "The decor looks a little modern for being over a thousand years old, doc."
  3356. >"Chairs and tables are much older than a thousand years. Though I have, of course, made certain renovations to this room in the interest of structural integrity."
  3357. "So, uh, what's it do? Gonna turn me into a newt or something?"
  3358. >"Your witticisms betray your terror. Your terror, however, is unfounded. This room contains neither the magic of Darkstar nor the high technology of my own creation.
  3359. "So what's the point?"
  3360. >"This room is why I believe that Darkstar educated himself in objectivity after his most famed encounter with passion."
  3361. "I don't get it."
  3362. >"You will. When I was a younger mare, I too had a painful experience with passion. A husband, a daughter, I suppose it was all a very common problem. The details do not matter. What matters is that I ran off into the desert. I found this mountain. I found this room."
  3363. >Phylum Strata jabs a pruny hoof into your side
  3364. >"Not unlike yourself."
  3365. "Wh-what?"
  3366. >"Surely, you too had some unpleasant experience with the passions before you took that fateful train ride into Picacholt. Surely, you too came to this desert to escape the painful burden of your sentiments. You had some falling out with Twilight Sparkle, no doubt. In fact, I have a recording of you all but saying so from shortly before I re-captured you in Ponyville. Ponyville, which you only returned to under the belief that you were under the greatest distress, and only because you had an immediate use for Twilight Sparkle's services."
  3367. >you swallow
  3368. >hard
  3369. >"Surely then, though you have not my intellect, you are not so very different from me. And surely, the thing that cured me of sentimentality will be the thing that cures you as well."
  3370. "And what… wh-what… what's that?"
  3371. >"This room. I recognized its properties as soon as I saw it. I gathered food and water and shut myself in here for a month."
  3372. "So, you're saying…"
  3373. >"Yes. You shall spend a mortal month in this room even as I did. The chairs are all comfortable enough, as is the bed. There is adequate space for excercise, should you choose to take it, even for a creature of your size. You shall have plenty of food, water, and air for the sustenance of your body. And at the end of this ordeal, you will be a new mind."
  3374. "And what if I'm not?"
  3375. >"When you come to understand, truly understand, that this room is really nothing more than a comfortable little sitting room, you will."
  3376. >the straps are loosened
  3377. >you slide off of the table and land in a heap on the floor
  3378. >"In approximately ten minutes, you will regain control over your limbs. Then your month will begin. I wish you nothing but the best in your transformation."
  3379. >and the quaint little wooden door
  3380. >slams shut
  3381.  
  3382. >okay
  3383. >so this is supposed to be like some kind of isolation chamber, right?
  3384. >it's designed to make you realize that you don't need any friends or something, right?
  3385. >heh
  3386. >dumb bitch doesn't know that you're great at spending long periods of time alone
  3387. >you stand up and stretch your legs
  3388. >then you fall into the nearest armchair
  3389. >and smile
  3390. >yes, whether it's months on end in a shithole apartment in a shithole city
  3391. >or even a year in a fucking yurt of all things, surrounded by magic talking ponies for the first time in your life
  3392. >you already know that you can go much longer than a mere month without talking to a single living soul
  3393. >you might actually be the most accomplished loner in all of Equestria
  3394. >it's true that you came out of your last period of isolation a bit weirder for wear
  3395. >actually, you came out suicidal
  3396. >even so, it took you a long time to get to that point
  3397. >a month?
  3398. >that's nothing
  3399. >and if it comes down to it, you can probably outlast the year which Phylum Strata estimates she has left to live
  3400. >all you've gotta do is channel your inner NEET
  3401. >you can do it for Razzie
  3402. >and besides, this room is actually a lot nicer than anything you've ever lived in
  3403. >yes, including that awful fucking crystal tree castle
  3404. >take this armchair, for example
  3405. >it's very comfortable
  3406. >the only thing wrong with it…
  3407. >well, it's not even really a problem
  3408. >it's just…
  3409. >one armrest is a little bit higher than the other
  3410. >hang on
  3411. >is it?
  3412. >just
  3413. >try to adjust
  3414. >no, yeah, that's a little uneven
  3415. >well, uh, that's fine
  3416. >you'll just take your arms off of the armrests and put them in your lap
  3417. >there
  3418. >perfect
  3419. >and now…
  3420. >hang on
  3421. >why is there a pointed arch over that perfectly rectangular door?
  3422. >it's just…
  3423. >well, it's just a little tacky
  3424. >that's fine though
  3425. >it's not like you ever had great taste as an interior decorator either
  3426. >hang on
  3427. >oh no
  3428. >you get up
  3429. >oh please
  3430. >you inspect the pointed arch up close
  3431. >oh fuck
  3432. >the point on the arch
  3433. >it's just the littlest bit off-center
  3434.  
  3435. >no, no, no
  3436. >calm down
  3437. >you're being ridiculous
  3438. >you're just… bored already
  3439. >uh
  3440. >let's find something to do
  3441. >over there is a desk
  3442. >looks like it's got a quill and inkwell sitting on top of it
  3443. >you wonder if…
  3444. >yeah
  3445. >there's paper in the drawers
  3446. >all right, you can try to write something
  3447. >just gotta find a sheet of…
  3448. >no, that one's got a corner cut off
  3449. >no, that one's cut in half
  3450. >why is this one cut into the shape of a star of david?
  3451. >damnit
  3452. >isn't there a normal sheet of paper in this fucking thing?
  3453. >a pile of misshappen papers finds its way onto the desk
  3454. >no
  3455. >no there is not
  3456. >all right, fuck this
  3457. >you sweep the papers onto the floor with your arm
  3458. >and look down
  3459. >the desk is an old wooden surface, with little black dots scattered about
  3460. >heh, that little group of dots looks like…
  3461. >no, it looks like…
  3462. >wait
  3463. >what group of dots
  3464. >okay
  3465. >not sitting at this desk anymore
  3466. >maybe if you just…
  3467. >lie down on the floor here
  3468. >and close your eyes
  3469. >maybe you can calm down
  3470. >huh
  3471. >the floor is slightly inclined
  3472. >or
  3473. >is it?
  3474. >your eyes snap open
  3475. >and you scream out loud
  3476. >this isn't an isolation chamber at all
  3477. >this is an autism chamber!
  3478.  
  3479. Part 8: The Objectivity Room, Part Two
  3480.  
  3481. >you reckon the days by every three meals
  3482. >and then you lose track of the days
  3483. >every day you notice something new
  3484. >something that you can't un-notice
  3485. >the mattress has a slight depression in its center
  3486. >the ceiling has a dot-pattern which seems to match the one on the desk, but doesn't quite
  3487. >on one of the walls, there's just a peg sticking out
  3488. >just a big
  3489. >metal
  3490. >fucking
  3491. >peg
  3492. >just sticking out of the wall
  3493. >for no reason
  3494. >the plates on which your meals are delivered have unseemly yellow spots on them
  3495. >but these spots are, as far as you can tell, merely the color of the plate
  3496. >the food itself is wrong as well
  3497. >the bread tastes like spinach
  3498. >the vegetables taste like ketchup
  3499. >the soup tastes like ice cream
  3500. >none of these exactly taste bad, per se
  3501. >it's just…
  3502. >wrong
  3503. >it almost seems silly to be complaining
  3504. >it's exactly as the doc said
  3505. >you have enough food and drink every day for a feast
  3506. >there's more than enough room for you to get your excercise in
  3507. >the very air you breathe is crisp and refreshing
  3508. >it's no doubt piped in from the top of the mountain
  3509. >it's just…
  3510. >there's nothing to feast about
  3511. >nothing to train for
  3512. >sometimes you even feel like…
  3513. >well
  3514. >sometimes you feel like you don't even have a reason to go on breathing
  3515. >Rainbow Dash puts her hoof on your shoulder
  3516. >"Don't think like that, 'Non. You know Twilight doesn't like it when you think like that."
  3517.  
  3518. >Rainbow Dash showed up to keep you company
  3519. >she says Twilight will be here soon
  3520. >Applejack is here too
  3521. >and Pinkie Pie
  3522. >Rarity and Fluttershy also are around somewhere
  3523. >they all say that Twilight will be here soon
  3524. >at some point Apple Fritter shows up with Razzie
  3525. >Fritter says she saw Twilight on her way here
  3526. >Amber Ember is sprawled out in the armchair
  3527. >"Who cares? Who says Anon wants Twilight around anyway?"
  3528. "Whoah, Amber, when did you get here? I tried looking for you after I got out of the hospital, but-"
  3529. >"I didn't want to be found. Same as you."
  3530. "What do you mean?"
  3531. >"I mean that you don't really want Twilight to come here. I mean, geez, Anon, she's done nothing but use you. You were right to run away."
  3532. "Uh, I don't-"
  3533. >Rainbow Dash looks angry
  3534. >"Hey! Don't talk about Twilight like that! She saved Anon's life!"
  3535. >Dash and Amber fall to bickering
  3536. >you smile
  3537. >those two are always fighting
  3538. >something tugs at your pants-leg
  3539. >it's Razzie
  3540. >the grass is so tall
  3541. >it's almost up to her chin
  3542. >"Hold me, Uncle Anonymous."
  3543. "Yeah, sure."
  3544. >you bend over to scoop up the little pony into your arms
  3545. >"Pat my head, Uncle Anonymous."
  3546. "Okay."
  3547. >Razzie's mane is warm in the sunlight
  3548. >she kicks a bit under your hand, and then relaxes
  3549. >Applejack frowns at you
  3550. >"Mr. Nonermous, we need to talk."
  3551. "Talk? About what?"
  3552. >"Twilight is coming."
  3553. >Pinkie Pie is busy hanging streamers from the trees
  3554. >"Aren't you excited for this totally awesome party, Anon?"
  3555. "What party?"
  3556. >"The one for when Twilight gets here, silly!"
  3557. >Rarity and Fluttershy are sitting in the hot spring together
  3558. >Fluttershy smiles at you
  3559. >"Come join us, Anon!"
  3560. "Why?"
  3561. >Rarity grins
  3562. >"So you can look good for Twilight when she gets here, of course."
  3563. >you're startled to see a purple unicorn staring at you
  3564. >but it isn't Twilight
  3565. >it's the other one
  3566. >the one who replaced you
  3567. >Starlight Glimmer, if you remember correctly
  3568. >"Twilight will be here very soon, Anonymous."
  3569. "When?"
  3570. >"Now."
  3571.  
  3572. Part 9: With Murder in Your Heart
  3573.  
  3574. >Phylum Strata holds an empty syringe in the strange finger-apparatus she wears on her hoof
  3575. >you are a crumpled heap on the floor of the autism chamber
  3576. >"I am disappointed in you, Anonymous."
  3577. "Me too."
  3578. >"Really, are you so attached to your silly sentimentality that, when faced with the choice between objectivity and madness, you choose madness?"
  3579. "Madness, doc?"
  3580. >"Yes. You seemed to be under the impression that you had numerous ponies with you for company. You have been hallucinating."
  3581. >you bring yourself up to your hands and knees
  3582. "Well, you knew I had a history of mental illness."
  3583. >"Yes, I should say you've done quite well at expressing your suicidal tendencies."
  3584. "Is it over then?"
  3585. >"Much as I would like to end your miserable life now, I have not yet found an alternative solution to your assistance."
  3586. "Shit."
  3587. >"I am going to include strong anti-hallucinogens in your food from now on. You must not be allowed to escape from reality if your abode in the Objectivity Room is to have any effect. I shall check on you again in another month.
  3588. "Wait… doc."
  3589. >"Hm? What is it?"
  3590. "I'm ready."
  3591. >"Are you now? Well, this has been more fruitful than I had hoped."
  3592. "Ready…"
  3593. >your hand
  3594. >like a huge rattlesnake
  3595. >affixes itself firmly to the bony foreleg of Phylum Strata
  3596. >your hard grip can only mean one thing
  3597. >and the old villain deduces that thing immediately
  3598. >she shrieks
  3599. >slippery
  3600. >like a worm
  3601. >she slides free easily
  3602. >and with incredible speed for a creature so old
  3603. >she flees
  3604.  
  3605. >you're less than conscious as you stalk through the cavern corridors
  3606. >on instinct alone you follow the sounds of your quarry
  3607. >without thinking in words, you realize she's headed back to the lab
  3608. >you trample over the bones of the creatures of Phylum Strata almost without noticing
  3609. >in years to come, you'll be disturbed by the memory of your first impulse to kill
  3610. >but right now, you see that the only thing between you and the automatic sliding door is the pair of mechanical mares
  3611. >no longer clad in the false flesh of the un-mares, they stand in all their naked horror
  3612. >in the past, they've subdued you from behind
  3613. >they are slow
  3614. >and pony-sized
  3615. >and in this moment
  3616. >you are more than man
  3617. >one gets lifted over your head and thrown into the cavern wall
  3618. >the other follows
  3619. >the automatic sliding door fails to open automatically
  3620. >but the fatal mistake of Phylum Strata was to make these doors out of fiberglass
  3621. >the door breaks easily under your fist
  3622. >you won't notice that you're bleeding until this is over
  3623. >door after door after door is smashed in your onslaught
  3624. >until at last
  3625. >Phylum Strata stands erect
  3626. >staring at you from beside a portal to another world
  3627. >that other world?
  3628. >the kitchen table of your own mother
  3629.  
  3630. >"May I remind you of what, precisely, you are giving up, Anonymous?"
  3631. >words take possession of your mind
  3632. "Is… that…?"
  3633. >"Yes. I see that this scene is familiar to you. I was able to track down humans with similar genetics to yours and place the portal in their home. They are, of course, not home right now."
  3634. >you're breathing heavily right now
  3635. >"Yes. It would be a simple matter for you to just step through and be home. Your Earth doctors, no doubt, would be able to convince you that your life in Equestria was merely a delusion. You could live the rest of your life not believing that you were ever here, and consequently without any guilt for anything you did while you were here."
  3636. "Wait, are you…"
  3637. >"Yes, indeed, you may go. You may go right now."
  3638. "But… what about Razzie?"
  3639. >"Oh, do not fear. I shall die at the end of the year as is natural, and Raspberry Heaven shall grow up."
  3640. "I don't believe you."
  3641. >Phylum Strata's face blackens
  3642. >"What does it matter? This world will be as a dream to you!"
  3643. "It matters because it's not a dream!"
  3644. >with bizarre agility, the mad doctor shuffles past you and flees again
  3645. >the unconscious swallows your mind once more
  3646. >and you give chase
  3647. >the chase, this time, leads down a different corridor in the caverns
  3648. >the one that's lighted red
  3649. >Phylum Strata has chosen to stand on the very edge of the pit of magma
  3650. >her red coat illumined by the red lava
  3651. >her grey mane turned black in the weird shadows
  3652. >her labcoat floating and waving on the hot gasses from the pit
  3653. >she presents a vision from Hell itself
  3654. >but that's what makes you pause
  3655. >not what makes you stumble
  3656. >not what makes you fall to your knees
  3657. >there
  3658. >behind the daemoniacal doctor
  3659. >you can see her standing as plain as day
  3660. >Twilight has come
  3661.  
  3662. Part 10: At the Pit of Hell
  3663.  
  3664. >"I can't believe you, Anon. It's been, what, three months or so since you left? And you're already trying to murder somepony? This is exactly the sort of thing that everyone hates about you. If you're not trying to hurt yourself you're trying to hurt someone else. Why can't I leave you alone for three months? Why can't I treat you like an adult for five minutes without you freaking out and running away? Come with me, it's time to come home. You need me."
  3665. >this
  3666. >isn't real
  3667. >is it?
  3668. "No… I don't… need you."
  3669. >Phylum Strata cocks her head to one side
  3670. >"What an odd thing to say. I never suggested that you did. Though I suppose, in a way, all lesser minds like yours do need the guidance of a greater mind like mine."
  3671. >you blink
  3672. >Twilight is gone
  3673. >all that remains is the demon's vision of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
  3674. >slowly
  3675. >shakily
  3676. >you rise to your feet
  3677. "I, uh, wasn't talking to you, doc."
  3678. >"Then you are still hallucinating. Come now, your mind is even less sound than usual; surely you are in no position to be making decisions regarding life and death."
  3679. "There's no decision about it, doc. Killing little kids is wrong."
  3680. >"Your right and your wrong are arbitrary nonsense. You have seen for yourself the fruits of my extraordinary life so far. Can you not imagine what I might do with yet another life? I alone can create Utopia, not only in this world, but in many others as well. You know that I can. Compared to that, what is the life of one child, a child who was created with this very purpose in mind?"
  3681. "Compared to that… it's… it's everything, doc."
  3682. >the doctor snorts
  3683. >"Your statement has no reason behind it. Only your own arbitrary feelings."
  3684. "Shit doc, I don't know. I'm not a fucking super genius, but… don't you think that morality is a sort of reason in and of itself?"
  3685. >"Certainly not. What of my own interests can I achieve by conforming to your standards?"
  3686. "Well, you can avoid taking a bath in that lava down there. And that's sort of what I mean. All peoples… ponies… creatures… whatever, have taught in all times and places that a child… no, a daughter, must never be harmed by her own mother. We make laws, threats of force, and violent objections against those who violate the, uh… moral law, I guess, specifically to make it so that following it is in your best interest."
  3687. >"That a social construct is common does not make it objective."
  3688. "But what if it's not just a social construct? Doc, I look at what you're planning to do, and I know that it's wrong. I look at your offset pointed arch, and I know that it's wrong. I know it just like I know that… that, fucking, two plus two equals five is wrong. You gave me a lot of time to think, you know, before I went kind of loopy in that room. But… I think that it did work. I think that I am speaking sort of… objectively, even if I'm not really sure how."
  3689. >"If you aren't sure how, then you aren't being objective. Objectivity is attained through reason, not intuition."
  3690. "Fine, fuck, it just sounds weird. What if what I'm talking about is… uh, hard-wired into our, uh, genes, or souls, or whatever? What if this universe was made with specific natural laws in mind so that intelligent creatures would just know right from wrong?"
  3691. >Phylum Strata scoffs
  3692. >"I did not take you for a spiritualist."
  3693. "I went to church sometimes."
  3694. >"As though the universe was "made" with anything "in mind". The use of that phrase indicates that even you recognize the mind as the highest substance in this world. Well, of all minds, mine is the highest. If there is an objective morality, it is what I decide it is. Why should I submit to the whims of you, or a billion other lower creatures when I am so manifestly superior?"
  3695. "Because you're full of shit! I think you're hard-wired the exact same way that I am, no matter how fucking big-brained you are. Doc, I can look at your face and just know that you're a bad guy. You've got a face that makes babies cry. You look like you've been living all out of whack with your, well, with your soul for years and years and years. I think you know as well as I do what's right and what's wrong, and denying it is killing you."
  3696. >Phylum Strata
  3697. >bends her head toward the lava pit
  3698. >and holds it there for a moment
  3699. >and looks back at you
  3700. >and it might just be the hot sulphur blowing into her face
  3701. >but somehow or other
  3702. >there are tears streaking down the shrivelled, villainous face of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
  3703. >"Do you know, Anonymous Faggot, how much I hate you?"
  3704. >it takes you a moment to find the words to reply to that
  3705. "That's, uh, awfully sentimental for you."
  3706. >"When I saw you playing checkers with Raspberry Heaven, I hated you. You damaged my mind irreparably that day. I shut myself up in the Objectivity Room for… I forget how long, exactly, but… the harm you did to me could not be reversed."
  3707. "I… harmed you?"
  3708. >"I used to play checkers with my daughter. My real daughter. The one I gave birth to, when my own name was still Raspberry Heaven and I was just as silly and sentimental as anyone else. She was very, very skilled. I have not seen her in a very long time, and I do not know where I could find her if I wanted to."
  3709. "It sounds like you harmed yourself, doc."
  3710. >Phylum Strata scowls
  3711. >"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have been living my life in denial of that which I ought not to deny. Perhaps your sentiments of right and wrong are, in some way, objective."
  3712. >the old doctor assumes an air of great dignity
  3713. >her mouth set in a thin line of stone
  3714. >her eyes impassive and calm
  3715. >her chin raised high
  3716. >"But if right and wrong are objective, then I suppose justice is objective as well?"
  3717. "Uh, sure."
  3718. >"A few minutes ago I feared that there was nothing I could do to stop you from carrying out your justice. Now, however, I don't suppose you'd be able to do it without your usual effeminate shaking."
  3719. "Hang on, I don't like where you're going with this."
  3720. >the villainous doctor Phylum Strata reaches her hoof into the pockets of her labcoat
  3721. >and pulls out a golden, heart-shaped locket
  3722. >she tosses it over the pit to you
  3723. >you stoop to pick it up
  3724. >"Open it. Inside is a picture of my daughter. Should you find her in your journeys, I charge you with the task of telling her my fate."
  3725. >inside the locket is a very small painting of a small, smiling filly
  3726. >she has a light brown coat, a dark brown mane
  3727. >and eyes you'd never forget
  3728. >holy shit
  3729. "Doc! Doc, I know…"
  3730. >Phylum Strata has disappeared from the precipice of the pit
  3731. "… her."
  3732. >the splash sounds much less dramatic than you expected
  3733. >you sigh
  3734. "Fuck."
  3735. >and then
  3736. >just to verify
  3737. >you look back at the face that stares from the locket of the late, the great, the mad, the wicked, the brilliant doctor Phylum Strata
  3738. >and you know
  3739. >that the face belongs to Amber Ember
  3740.  
  3741. Part 11: I'm Fine
  3742.  
  3743. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in ten minutes."
  3744. >the door to the operating room comes down under your arm with a bit more difficulty than the others
  3745. >you're actually cut up pretty bad by now
  3746. >as you had expected, Razzie lies on one of the tables, immobilized by the chemical false-death
  3747. >you press the button that will restore her life
  3748. >and wait
  3749. >come on
  3750. >wake up
  3751. >you really don't have a second to lose here
  3752. >impatient, you loosen the straps that hold Razzie down
  3753. >and slowly
  3754. >the little pony's chest rises
  3755. >and falls
  3756. >and her eyelids flutter
  3757. >and open
  3758. >"Anon…"
  3759. "Hey. Hey, Razzie. How are you feeling?"
  3760. >"I… don't know."
  3761. "That's fine. That's fine. You're just still sleepy. Hey. Hey, Razzie. We're gonna go on a little trip, okay?"
  3762. >"What is a 'trip'?"
  3763. "It means we're leaving again. All right?"
  3764. >"Are we coming back?"
  3765. >you scoop up Razzie into your arms
  3766. >and set her down gently on her hooves
  3767. "Probably not. No. No, we're not coming back. So go on and grab anything you want to take with you. Okay? I've got some things to take care of, but I'll meet you in your room when I'm done, okay?"
  3768. >"… Okay."
  3769. >as you expected, even Razzie's room is still locked shut
  3770. >that door, too, is smashed
  3771. >"Anon, your arm. Are you going to get a bandage for it?"
  3772. >you pick up Razzie and carry her over the broken fiberglass
  3773. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna go do that right now. Don't worry about me. Just get your things, okay?"
  3774. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in five minutes."
  3775. >following the trail of broken doors leads you back to the room with the magic-based technology
  3776. >the portal to Earth is still open
  3777. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in four minutes."
  3778. "Fuck, man."
  3779. >you can't
  3780. >you can't go back
  3781. >you've already decided that you can't leave Razzie here alone
  3782. >and you can't take her to Earth
  3783. >but fuck, man
  3784. >the fucking portal is already open right to your mother's kitchen
  3785. >there's gotta be something you can do
  3786. >some way you can let her know
  3787. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in three minutes."
  3788. >there
  3789. >on the counter
  3790. >what is that?
  3791. >is that
  3792. >one of those cameras?
  3793. >one of the ones automatic ones with the little printer built in?
  3794. >fuck, man
  3795. >isn't that just liker her?
  3796. >always buying this random fucking shit
  3797. >this random fucking shit that just so happens to be exactly what you need right now
  3798. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in two minutes."
  3799. >fuck, man, time is moving so fast
  3800. >you don't have a second to waste
  3801. >once through the portal, you become aware that you're bleeding all over the floor
  3802. >whoops
  3803. >you pick up the camera
  3804. >point it at yourself
  3805. >make a thumbs up
  3806. >and press the button
  3807. >the photo prints
  3808. >you look like shit
  3809. >but whatever
  3810. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in one minute."
  3811. >shit shit shit shit
  3812. >should you write a message, too?
  3813. >uh, where's the pen drawer?
  3814. >uh
  3815. >there
  3816. >and you just need…
  3817. >yeah, that sharpie will do
  3818. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in thirty seconds."
  3819. >no no no no
  3820. >uh, what to write?
  3821. >uh
  3822. >you've got it
  3823. "I'm… fine…"
  3824. >you slap the photo on the counter and hurry back through the portal
  3825. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in ten seconds."
  3826. >huh
  3827. >"Nine."
  3828. >looks like you're really never going back after all
  3829. >"Eight."
  3830. >well, it was probably kind of a long shot anyway
  3831. >"Seven."
  3832. >the sound of a door opening echoes through a distortion in time and space in just such a way to make your heart start racing
  3833. >"Six."
  3834. >"Who's there?"
  3835. >"Five."
  3836. >no, please
  3837. >"Four."
  3838. >don't let her see you
  3839. >"Three."
  3840. >"Hello?"
  3841. >"Two."
  3842. >you don't think you could handle it
  3843. >"One."
  3844. >"Anon?"
  3845. >"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power securing now."
  3846. >the portal disappears without a trace
  3847. >the ever-present whirr of electricity and machinery fades into an eerie silence
  3848. >but it looks like the radium-based lightbulbs the doc invented weren't attached to the power grid
  3849. >they'll probably keep this place lighted for a thousand years to come
  3850. >good news for all the spiders and bats who are afraid of the dark
  3851. >fuck, man
  3852. >there's something wet on your face
  3853. >you're feeling lightheaded, too
  3854. >but that's probably just the blood loss
  3855.  
  3856. >okay, the infirmary was one of these doors in the main hub, right?
  3857. >you think it was…
  3858. >that one
  3859. >you raise your arm to smash in the door
  3860. >but flinch at the last moment
  3861. >your arm is already beat to hell dude
  3862. >uh
  3863. >oh
  3864. >rearing back on one foot, you kick the door in
  3865. >the trusty work boots you bought in Picacholt handle it like a real champ
  3866. >now why didn't you think of this before?
  3867. >whatever
  3868. >there's gotta be something in here you can use
  3869. >searching through a few drawers, you locate something that looks usable as a bandage
  3870. >you spend a few minutes struggling to get it wrapped around your hand and arm
  3871. >when it's done, it's kind of shitty
  3872. >but it should keep you from passing out long enough to reach Picacholt
  3873. >now
  3874. >hopefully Razzie is just about ready to go
  3875. >you enter her room
  3876. >and see her lying on her belly
  3877. >neck craned over heaps of paper
  3878. "Hey, Razzie. What'cha doing?"
  3879. >she doesn't look up
  3880. >"These are the stories."
  3881. "Oh. Yeah, I see."
  3882. >you do see
  3883. >the heaps of paper are, in fact, old magazines
  3884. >they have titles such as "Strange Tales", "Mysteries of Super-Science", "Incredible Fantasies", and more
  3885. >on their covers are colorful paintings of heroes and monsters and damsels in distress
  3886. >what are these?
  3887. >pulps?
  3888. "Oh. So you've been reading stuff like this your whole life, huh?"
  3889. >"Yes."
  3890. "No wonder you're so handy in an adventure."
  3891. >Razzie flips the page in the book she's got open
  3892. >"Mother told me that these were the stories she read when she was my age."
  3893. "Huh."
  3894. >that actually gives you some food for thought
  3895. >pulps were largely dead on Earth by the time you started reading
  3896. >but everyone knows the general formula of the stories inside
  3897. >the beautiful girl is kidnapped by the evil wizard or the mad scientist or whatever
  3898. >and the strong, stern hero rescues her and defeats the villain
  3899. >it's very interesting to hear that Phylum Strata herself grew up entranced by these kinds of stories
  3900. >and that, out of all the archetypes these stories present
  3901. >that she should have wanted to become the mad scientist
  3902. >"Anon, I heard the voice saying that my mother was not detected."
  3903. "Yeah. I heard it too."
  3904. >Razzie flips the page again
  3905. >"Anon, is my mother dead?"
  3906. "… Yeah."
  3907. >Razzie pushes the magazine away from her
  3908. >and looks straight down
  3909. >"Was it you?"
  3910. "No… No. She wanted… She fell into that lava pit, out in the caverns. She did it on purpose."
  3911. >"I see."
  3912. "Razzie, I think she felt bad. I think…"
  3913. >"Do you think she loved me?"
  3914. "Yeah… or, I think she wanted to, but… she was afraid."
  3915. >"Afraid to die?"
  3916. "Well, that was a part of it. I think it was mostly… she was afraid of getting hurt."
  3917. >"She thought I would hurt her?"
  3918. "Well, she mentioned that her feelings had been hurt, before she came here. You see, uh, it's really only the ones we're closest to that can really hurt our feelings."
  3919. >Twilight is standing behind you
  3920. >she's whispering in your ear
  3921. >"It really didn't mean anything."
  3922. >Razzie sniffs
  3923. >"You were saying something about hurting feelings before. I don't really remember all of it."
  3924. "No, I guess you wouldn't. I was saying that sometimes it's hard to remember everyone else's feelings when your own feelings are hurting. It's better to just forgive them, but-"
  3925. >"I think… I think I hurt my mother's feelings."
  3926. "No, Razzie, no. There's no way."
  3927. >"There is a way. When my mother told me that she felt she was going to die soon, I told her… 'I see.' I asked her what would become of me. I wasn't afraid for her at all."
  3928. "No… No, no, Razzie. No."
  3929. >a quiet sob escapes the taciturn filly's lips
  3930. >drops of water speckle the floor beneath her face
  3931. >sit down beside her
  3932. >scoop her up into your arms
  3933. >set her down on your lap
  3934. >and hold Raspberry Heaven closely
  3935. "Shh. Shh. Quiet, now."
  3936. >"Anon. I am a bad daughter."
  3937. "No, no no no. You're not. You're the best."
  3938. >"I am the worst."
  3939. >Razzie buries her face into your shirt
  3940. >and cries openly
  3941. >it's all you can do to stroke her head and back
  3942. >but it's not working
  3943. >it's just not working
  3944.  
  3945. Part 12: To Her I Cry: "Farewell, Phylum!"
  3946.  
  3947. >wait
  3948. >the red field is shrinking into a small rectangle
  3949. >there's a face forming in the center
  3950. >Sombra
  3951. >"Found you."
  3952. "Talk quieter. She's sleeping."
  3953. >Sombra repeats in a whisper
  3954. >"Found you."
  3955. "Yeah, took you long enough."
  3956. >"Came as soon as sensed great darkness."
  3957. "Great dark… oh, yeah, your magic does have something to do with bad feelings, doesn't it?"
  3958. >"Yes."
  3959. "Are you able to lead me to where I can find you?"
  3960. >"Yes."
  3961. "All right, I'll come find you as soon as she wakes up."
  3962. >"She is."
  3963. "Huh?"
  3964. >you look down
  3965. >there is indeed a bleary-eyed filly blinking up at you from your lap
  3966. >"Anon? Who's that?"
  3967. "That's Sombra. He's a friend of mine. He needs our help."
  3968. >"Help?"
  3969. "Yeah. We've got to go help him now, so I need you to be brave. Can you be brave for me?"
  3970. >"I don't know."
  3971. "That's fine. That's fine. I'm gonna carry you to where we're going, so all you need to do is not cry. Can you do that for me?"
  3972. >"Yes."
  3973. "Good, good. I'm gonna stand up now. Are your things in that bag over there?"
  3974. >"Yes."
  3975. >still holding Razzie, you stand up
  3976. >you grab a little pink saddle bag and sling it over your injured arm, holding Razzie close with your good one
  3977. "All right, Sombra, take me there."
  3978. >the apparition of Sombra leads you through the string of doors you broke until at last you reach the caverns
  3979. >for a moment, you're startled by the sight of the mechanical mares
  3980. >but they don't attack
  3981. >they only stand there
  3982. >and tilt their heads at you
  3983. >the sheer life-likeness of the expression is far more unnerving than the unnaturalness they displayed while dressed in the skins of the un-mares
  3984. "See you later, you crazy tin cans."
  3985. >following Sombra further, you realize he's about to take you through the chamber with all the misshapen skeletons
  3986. >"Razzie, look up. Don't look down until I tell you, okay?"
  3987. >upon entering the chamber, you're surprised by the fact that Sombra doesn't even slow down
  3988. "Wait, Sombra, aren't you in here?"
  3989. >"No."
  3990. "All right."
  3991. >further and further
  3992. >uphill and downhill
  3993. >around twists and turns
  3994. >finally, you step outside into the silent desert night
  3995.  
  3996. >tonight, with the full moon out and not a cloud in the sky, you can see the path you're taking almost as clear as day
  3997. >"Just down there."
  3998. "By that river?"
  3999. >"Yes."
  4000. "There's skeletons down there, right?"
  4001. >"Yes."
  4002. "All right."
  4003. >Razzie has fallen asleep again
  4004. >carefully, you nudge her awake
  4005. "Razzie, I'm gonna put you down now. I need you to wait right here, okay?"
  4006. >"… Okay."
  4007. "Stay right here. Don't follow me. If you get scared, just scream, okay?"
  4008. >"… Okay."
  4009. "All right. I'll be right back."
  4010. >setting Razzie down by the steep ridge, you begin to carefully make your way down
  4011. >Sombra snorts
  4012. >"Big brother."
  4013. "Huh?"
  4014. >Sombra grins his creepy, sharp-toothed grin
  4015. >"Big brother."
  4016. "Shut the fuck up."
  4017. >by the river, a pair of gleaming white skeletons lie intertwined
  4018. >one skeleton is clad in a dark brown cowboy hat, with a leather tote slung over its shoulder
  4019. >the other has three eye-sockets, a skull that looks half too small, and forelegs twice the size of its hindlegs
  4020. >"In bag."
  4021. "Yeah, okay."
  4022. >as respectfully as you possibly can in this situation, you take the bag off of the cowpony's skeleton
  4023. >and reach inside
  4024. >sure enough, Sombra's crystal is to be found
  4025. >but there's something else in there as well
  4026. >it's a…
  4027. >a journal
  4028. >you glance at the skeleton
  4029. "You mind if I read this, dude?"
  4030. >it would be sort of a pain to relate the entire journal
  4031. >but these few sentences of interest fairly well communicate the sum of what you learn
  4032. >"This is the journal of Cider Donut…"
  4033. >"The mines have closed down. Picacholt is doomed…"
  4034. >"Sure, I could find refuge among the other farms of the Apple Family, but for one small problem…"
  4035. >"My sweet little Apple Fritter belongs in the desert as surely as the great saguaro cactus. She would simply be unhappy anywhere else in the world…"
  4036. >"I intend to protect my daughter's happiness…"
  4037. >"I have gone off into the mountains in search of the fabled Peg-Horn of Darkstar…"
  4038. >"The Peg-Horn is in the possession of a horrid mare who goes by the name of Phylum Stata…"
  4039. >"Her experiments and creations are most unnatural indeed…"
  4040. >"I have become her prisoner…"
  4041. >"Beyond my wildest hopes, I have escaped the mountain lair of Phylum Strata with the Peg-Horn of Darkstar which I sought…"
  4042. >"I am pursued by one of Phylum Strata's abominable creatures…"
  4043. >"Should all become hopeless, I intend to cast the spell which will keep my apples growing and ripening all year round, and to throw the Peg-Horn into the river which waters my trees. In doing so, I will ensure the survival of Picacholt, and more importantly, the happiness of my dearest daughter Apple Fritter…"
  4044. >you close the journal
  4045. >and put it back into the bag
  4046. >if there was any place where Cider Donut's struggle would have seemed hopeless, it would have been here
  4047. >you wonder…
  4048. >you step into the river
  4049. >and search with your hands
  4050. >until you grasp something conical
  4051. >the Peg-Horn glows a mystic violet in your hand
  4052. "No way…"
  4053. >Sombra stares
  4054. "Sombra, the doc had you put in that bag, right?"
  4055. >"Yes."
  4056. "That doesn't make any sense. She must have known that the Peg-Horn was right here all along then. There's no way she would have left it there, unless…"
  4057. >the journal
  4058. >Cider Donut's dearest daughter Apple Fritter
  4059. "Unless she cared about what Cider Donut wanted for Apple Fritter…"
  4060. >the sound of Razzie's cry jolts you out of your contemplation
  4061. >she's lying at the bottom of the ridge, nursing her foreleg
  4062. >you rush over to her side
  4063. "Razzie! I told you not to follow me."
  4064. >"I am sorry. I wanted to see."
  4065. "Are you all right?"
  4066. >"Yes. I only slipped a little ways up. It does not hurt so badly."
  4067. "Geez. What was it you wanted to see?"
  4068. >she points right at the skeletons
  4069. >"Who were those ponies?"
  4070. >oh, geez
  4071. >you were hoping she wouldn't have to see that
  4072. "Uh… one of them was the father of a friend of mine."
  4073. >"I see. Who was the other?"
  4074. "The other… well… I guess it was your big sister, Razzie."
  4075.  
  4076. ACT V: The Duel
  4077. Part 1: Wherein Anon Imposes Upon Apple Fritter's Hospitality
  4078.  
  4079. >the thing about living in a mountain
  4080. >it completely kills your sense of time
  4081. >it was dark when you first started climbing down
  4082. >and it's still dark now
  4083. >Razzie is nestled in your good arm
  4084. >which, to tell you the truth, is really starting to ache now
  4085. >the ride down seems to have been too bumpy for her to get any sleep
  4086. >but she's been so silent that you've felt completely alone
  4087. >your bad arm is hanging uselessly at your side
  4088. >and it's still leaving a trail of blood behind you
  4089. >you should probably be worried that it doesn't hurt anymore
  4090. >on an unrelated note, all good things must come to an end
  4091. >on a more related note, all shit things must come to an end too
  4092. >since the Apples' house is sort of outside of town, you were able to reach it without having to pass through Picacholt
  4093. >thankfully, any evil henchponies that may have been waiting for you have given up
  4094. >all the same, it's probably best to be seen as little as possible
  4095. >currently, you're making a sticky mess all over Apple Fritter's nice front porch
  4096. >and you're sort of thumping on the door with your shoulder
  4097. >it seems like a long wait to a guy who's probably bleeding out
  4098. >but eventually the door does open
  4099. >"Nonermous?"
  4100. "Hey, Fritter. Hold my filly for a sec, will ya?"
  4101. >surprised, Fritter's hooves move to accomodate the Razzie that's clumsily shoved into her face
  4102. "You know, it seems like I've done an awful lot of losing consciousness this past month or so…"
  4103. >and your ass hits the ground
  4104. >then your back
  4105. "Probably not healthy…"
  4106. >and once again
  4107. >the world drifts off into the black
  4108.  
  4109. >you come to in a bed that's some two feet too short for your legs
  4110. >Fritter notices immediately
  4111. >because she's hovering over you with a needle and thread clenched between her teeth
  4112. >"Er! Nernermer, dern mer."
  4113. "What?"
  4114. >Fritter's head bobs down out of sight
  4115. >something sharp and, well, needle-like is jabbed into the skin on your arm and back out again
  4116. >"I said don't move."
  4117. "Ooooooooooof."
  4118. >"Oh, quit your moaning, I'm almost done."
  4119. >pulling the string through and up, her head slides back into your view
  4120. >you crane your neck and look at your arm
  4121. "Geez."
  4122. >"Er ser dern mer!"
  4123. "Y-yeah, right, sorry."
  4124. >you lay your head back down
  4125. >the needle goes in again
  4126. >you were planning on being stoic for this jab
  4127. >but a little yelp comes out anyway
  4128. >your arm
  4129. >it's an intricate, patchwork spiderweb of scars and stitching
  4130. >it extends from the back of your hand, all the way up to the knuckles, and reaches an inch or two past your elbow
  4131. >Fritter's needle is already a little bit past the elbow itself
  4132. "Sorry."
  4133. >"Huh?"
  4134. "Didn't realize I was cut up so bad."
  4135. >Fritter sighs
  4136. >she pulls the needle through again
  4137. >and jams it back in to speak
  4138. >"Yeah, I been working on you a good... six hours or so, now."
  4139. "Geez."
  4140. >Fritter completes another stitch before you speak again
  4141. "Didn't realize you were a doctor."
  4142. >the needle gets jabbed in bit harder this time
  4143. >"Well I ain't got a degree, but every mare's gotta know something about fixing folks up around these parts."
  4144. >thread goes out
  4145. >thread goes in
  4146. "Sorry."
  4147. >Fritter sighs again
  4148. >"Well, what you supposed to do? Die in the desert with a foal in your arms?"
  4149. >the needle goes out
  4150. "Oh, Razzie. Where is she? Is she all right?"
  4151. >the needle goes in
  4152. >you wince
  4153. >"She's curled up in that corner over there. I think she's sleeping."
  4154. "That's good. I'm sure last night exhausted her."
  4155. >"You can say that again. She is the saddest little filly I ever did see."
  4156. >Fritter bobs up with the needle again
  4157. >and stabs it back in again
  4158. >"What happened to her?"
  4159. "Uh, short version, her mom died last night. She blames herself."
  4160. >Fritter was pulling the needle back up
  4161. >but she drops it from her mouth and inhales now
  4162. >"Oh, my word..."
  4163. "Yeah. It's been a... weird two months."
  4164. >Fritter yanks at the string and then snips it with her teeth
  4165. >"Well, I wish I could stick around and hear all about it..."
  4166. >somehow
  4167. >some fucking how
  4168. >this mare ties a knot with her mouth
  4169. >"But we're having a bit of a calamity today. None of our apples are ripening anymore. Don't get out of bed, I'll check up on you again at sundown."
  4170. "None of your apples..."
  4171. >Fritter is halfway out the door when you shout out to her
  4172. "Uh, hang on, Fritter, wait, that might be my fault."
  4173. >without seeming to cross the room, she somehow comes to be glaring into your face
  4174. >"What?"
  4175. "Um, I, I can fix it. It was supposed to be a present for you. In, uh, one of the bags I was carrying. The old leather one."
  4176. >"Nonermous..."
  4177. >rustling sounds emanate from a corner of the room
  4178. >figuring that you can move now that Fritter isn't sewing you up anymore, you risk turning your head toward the sound
  4179. >Apple Fritter is rummaging through the old leather tote
  4180. >"Oh, hello, Mr. Sombra."
  4181. >she gets a low rumbling sound for a response
  4182. >"Nonermous."
  4183. >Fritter pulls her hoof out of the bag
  4184. >held in the impossible hoof-grip of the earth pony race is a smooth, slender cone of grey stone
  4185. >"Is this the... is this the... is...?"
  4186. "The Peg-Horn of Darkstar? Yeah. I think so. The journal, you should read the journal in there."
  4187. >"What's in the journal?"
  4188. "You just... need to read it."
  4189. >"No..."
  4190. >the old book is taken from the old bag
  4191. >she opens it to the first page
  4192. >"This is the journal of..."
  4193. >"This is the journal of..."
  4194. >"This is..."
  4195. >"The journal..."
  4196. >carefully and deliberately
  4197. >Apple Fritter closes the journal
  4198. >and sets it down in the bag
  4199. >she takes up the Peg-Horn
  4200. >and doesn't look at you
  4201. >"I'm gonna go fix my orchard."
  4202.  
  4203. >Fritter comes back in all wide-eyed
  4204. >"Well, it's definitely the Peg-Horn."
  4205. "I figured it was."
  4206. >"Land's sake. It's a good thing you found it when you did. As cut up as you were, you probably wouldn't have made it if you'd walked here."
  4207. "Huh? I did walk here."
  4208. >Apple Fritter gives you a funny look
  4209. >"Oh. I had no idea this thing was so close to my farm then."
  4210. "It wasn't that close. It was way up near the top of Darkstar's Mountain."
  4211. >the little apple-farming mare is looking at you like you've just said the dumbest shit she's ever heard in her life
  4212. >"Wait. So, you were bleeding half to death..."
  4213. "Yeah."
  4214. >"Had a little filly depending on you..."
  4215. "Uh huh."
  4216. >"Needed to get somewhere you could get help..."
  4217. "Right."
  4218. >"And you were carrying a legendary spellcasting artifact the whole time?"
  4219. "Uh, yeah."
  4220. >Fritter blinks
  4221. >"Nonermous... why didn't you just teleport here?"
  4222. >teleport?
  4223. "Um..."
  4224. >teleport
  4225. "Uh..."
  4226. >TELEPORT
  4227. "That's a good question."
  4228. >Apple Fritter scoffs
  4229. >"Mr. Nonermous, you ain't got no sense."
  4230. "I'll own that."
  4231. >you sit up
  4232. >"Careful, now!"
  4233. >you swing your legs off the bed
  4234. "Oh, what's the worst that could happen?"
  4235. >you stand up
  4236. >your vision turns grey
  4237. >you land on your face
  4238. >"Well, you could fall down."
  4239. "Sh-"
  4240. >wait
  4241. >Razzie's in the room
  4242. "Crap."
  4243. >actually, how is Razzie?
  4244. >she's been silent ever since you woke up
  4245. "Hey Razzie?"
  4246. >there's a silence as you heave yourself to your hands and knees
  4247. >is she asleep?
  4248. >"Yes, Anon?"
  4249. "How you doing over there?"
  4250. >"I am tired."
  4251. "Yeah?"
  4252. >your bad arm goes out
  4253. >your face hits the floor again
  4254. "You wanna trade spots? You take the bed and I take the floor?"
  4255. >the lone word floats from the dark corner of the room
  4256. >"No."
  4257. >you manage to get your upper body onto the bed
  4258. >from this vantage you can see Razzie
  4259. >curled up on the floor and facing the wall
  4260. >you crane your neck to look at Apple Fritter
  4261. >she shakes her head
  4262. >then offers her shoulder to push you back onto the bed
  4263. >once you're settled back in, you figure some pleasantries are a bit overdue
  4264. "So Apple Fritter, how have things been?"
  4265. >"Eh... Dunno if I should tell you."
  4266. "Is it that bad?"
  4267. >"No. No, no. Things ain't bad. It's just... it might be a mite bit exciting for someone who can't stand up."
  4268. "Am I that bad?"
  4269. >Fritter smiles, for the first time since you woke up
  4270. >but it's not her usual, sly, coquettish grin
  4271. >it's a soft smile
  4272. >a reserved smile
  4273. >"For a few days more, at least."
  4274. "Man..."
  4275. >"Listen, Nonermous. Don't worry about anything. Nobody knows you're here, except for me and Jonagold. Everything's gonna be fine."
  4276.  
  4277. Part 2: Unnecessary
  4278.  
  4279. >it's been a few days
  4280. >you're sitting up now
  4281. >Razzie's silent vigil has moved from curled up in the corner to curled up into your side
  4282. >she's still not speaking, but that's gotta be some kind of improvement
  4283. >right?
  4284. >Apple Fritter is lying on her belly on the floor
  4285. >there's a plate of, well, apple fritters sitting between her forehooves
  4286. "All right, you got my story out of me now."
  4287. >"Yep, yep. I guess it's only fair. I'll tell you what's been going on."
  4288. >"First off, while I was in Ponyville, I did tell Applejack and her friends about you."
  4289. >"I know you didn't want that, but, well, I figured there was trouble coming. And I guess I figured right."
  4290. >"Anyhow, that got Princess Twilight over here right quick."
  4291. >"'Course, by that time, you were already gone."
  4292. >"Oh, she spent a long time looking for you. Probably about a month or so. She even got Princess Luna to come and see if she could sniff out your dreams. But you noticed that."
  4293. >"Anyway, it didn't take a whole month in Picacholt to realize that Collishaw Cueball and Piebald were bad news."
  4294. >"Princess Twilight managed to get Piebald run out of town. Collishaw Cueball is still the sheriff, but it looks like he's given up on stealing the apple farm."
  4295. >"So, after Princess Twilight left town, things were quiet. Til you showed back up, anyway."
  4296. "I thought you said this story was exciting."
  4297. >"Well, I guess it was a bit more exciting to live than it was to tell. Not quite like your story."
  4298. >"I mean, your story. I almost don't believe it. It's like something out of an old magazine."
  4299. "The journal tells a similar story."
  4300. >Apple Fritter looks down
  4301. >"Oh, I bet. I'm still not ready to read it, Nonermous."
  4302. >you stroke Razzie's mane for a while
  4303. "So my mess got cleaned up without me, huh?"
  4304. >Fritter scoffs
  4305. >"This town was a mess before you got here, Nonermous."
  4306. >a stream of cool air flows into your lungs
  4307. >and a burst of warm gas comes out
  4308. >"Nonermous, the princess came and fixed this town... because you were here. Doesn't that count for something?"
  4309. >"Because I think it means you must be a real special fella."
  4310. >"And I think... no... I know that Princess Twilight thinks so too."
  4311. >your fingers bury themselves in Razzie's mane
  4312. >the cool locks of hair flowing through them cause you to inhale deeply
  4313. "You think so?"
  4314. >"I do."
  4315. "Did she tell you... about..."
  4316. >"Yeah. She did."
  4317. "Hell."
  4318. >Apple Fritter's soft yellow hoof snakes its way to your hand
  4319. >"Nonermous... When are you gonna go home to her?"
  4320. >the ceiling becomes very interesting to your eyes for some reason
  4321. "You think I should?"
  4322.  
  4323. Part 3: Happily Ever After?
  4324.  
  4325. >by the time you could walk again, you'd decided
  4326. >yes
  4327. >yes, it's time to go back to Ponyville
  4328. >you're not sure what exactly you were looking for out here
  4329. >but you think you've already found it
  4330. >in Razzie
  4331. >before you met her, you felt like you could just leave everyone behind
  4332. >and they'd hardly even notice
  4333. >but now
  4334. >there's no denying
  4335. >there's someone who needs you
  4336. >she needs a normal childhood
  4337. >in a quiet town
  4338. >and it's not like you can just dump her off on anybody
  4339. >in the first place, that would be a big burden on whoever you left her with
  4340. >in the second place, she needs someone who's seen something of her previous life
  4341. >you never meant for it to happen
  4342. >but you're anchored to someone now
  4343. >and an anchored ship can't go underway
  4344. >there's also that stuff about Twilight actually missing you
  4345. >but you're still processing that
  4346. >Apple Fritter came with you and Razzie to the train station
  4347. >she's still sad and quiet
  4348. >but you'll work to fix that
  4349. >she'll probably never forget her mother in the mountain
  4350. >but you'll show her all that there is to look forward to as well
  4351. >Ponyville has lots of kids for her to make friends with
  4352. >and lots of well-connected ponies to help her get a good future
  4353. >Sombra is here too
  4354. >but he figured out a way to hide his face and look like an ordinary rock
  4355. >so nobody needs to know about him
  4356. >you've reached the ticket window when you realize
  4357. "Crap. I don't have any bits."
  4358. >Fritter laughs
  4359. >"You know how many bits that Peg-Horn was worth? Here, lemme pay you back for it."
  4360. >Fritter plunks number of bits on the counter
  4361. >you're given two tickets
  4362. >one for you
  4363. >one for Razzie
  4364. "Well, that's that then, huh?"
  4365. >"It sure is."
  4366. "Uh, Fritter. Thanks. Thank you. For everything."
  4367. >"Oh, golly. Is this your sappy little goodbye?"
  4368. "I guess. Sorry."
  4369. >"It's fine. C'mere."
  4370. >a yellow foreleg wraps around your waist and pulls you into a warm pony hug
  4371. >"Don't ever get it into your head that you're not needed. All right?"
  4372. "Yeah. Sure."
  4373. >"I'll see you around."
  4374. >you've already got one foot on the train when a rough, villainous voice calls out your name
  4375. >"Nonermous!"
  4376.  
  4377. >on the bright side, Razzie looks interested in something for once as you protectively scoop her into your arms
  4378. >on the other side, Collishaw Cueball is grinning at you
  4379. >"That's a lovely child you got there."
  4380. >he scratches his chin as if in thought for a moment
  4381. >"Funny though, she doesn't look a thing like you."
  4382. "I don't want any trouble, sheriff. I'm getting out of town right now."
  4383. >"Gettin' outta… land's sake, I only just learned you were back in town! Leavin' already, huh?"
  4384. "Yep."
  4385. >"You weren't gonna come pick up your things?"
  4386. "What do you mean?"
  4387. >"Ha, ha!"
  4388. >Cueball holds out a hoof with your saddlebag slung over it
  4389. >"I mean the stuff you left in that hotel room. After you… ahuh… disappeared, I did you the favor of keeping your belongings in a safe in my office."
  4390. >it's definitely your bag
  4391. >but…
  4392. "Sheriff, I had a whole chest full of gold and jewels."
  4393. >"Ah, well, two months is a long time to be takin' up Village of Picacholt storage space. It ain't free, you know."
  4394. "Right… Sure, sure, I'll take the bag."
  4395. >you step away from the train, and your hand grasps the bag by the strap
  4396. >but Cueball doesn't let go
  4397. >he's staring you in the eye
  4398. >"I will tell you… there's at least enough gold in there to pay for seven days in that hotel, and a train ride home after that."
  4399. "That's great."
  4400. >he's still not letting go
  4401. "Why would I stay another seven days?"
  4402. >the sheriff inhales unsteadily
  4403. >he speaks in a hiss
  4404. >"So I can stretch your hide in the sun."
  4405. >you let go of the bag
  4406. "What?"
  4407. >he throws it on the ground
  4408. >"A duel! I'm talkin' about a duel! I challenge you to a duel, an' I'll preach your name as a coward from here to Canterlot if you refuse!"
  4409. "A… duel?"
  4410. >Apple Fritter gets between you and the enraged sherrif
  4411. >"Nonermous, don't listen to him. He can't do nothing to you!"
  4412. "Y-y-y-yeah, yeah yeah yeah. I know, I know, Fritter. This just got weird, I'm leaving now."
  4413. >you're trying to get back to the train
  4414. >you really are
  4415. >but Collishaw Cueball roughly shoves Apple Fritter out of his way
  4416. >he throws himself on the ground
  4417. >he grabs your leg with his hooves
  4418. >and he looks straight up at you
  4419. >no
  4420. >not at you
  4421. >his gaze is right about…
  4422. >at your chest level
  4423. >where Razzie is sitting
  4424. >"Fuck."
  4425. >home on Earth, you used to have this line of thought about car crashes:
  4426. >all it takes is one second
  4427. >just one poor decision
  4428. >to not pay attention
  4429. >to misjudge a turn
  4430. >to pass the wrong guy
  4431. >and once that poor decision is made
  4432. >from there, a chain of events is set in motion
  4433. >and you cannot stop it
  4434. >one second, and you're just some guy going home from work
  4435. >and then two cars collide
  4436. >then you collide with the seatbelt
  4437. >then your organs collide with your ribcage
  4438. >your head is thrown out at a weird angle, you can't control it
  4439. >so the airbags come out and snap your neck
  4440. >and at the end of that second
  4441. >you're a guy who will never work again
  4442. >Collishaw Cueball is rolling on the floor
  4443. >laughing
  4444. >there's a muddy boot-print in his hat
  4445. >and he spits out a tooth
  4446. >"That'll do it… that'll do it, you big, dumb monster!"
  4447. >oh fuck
  4448. >Fritter is pushing on your legs with her head
  4449. >"Get on the train, Nonermous, get on the train right now!"
  4450. >but Cueball springs to his hooves
  4451. >"Oh, no you don't! You just assaulted an officer of the law! I'll put you under arrest right now, unless…"
  4452. "U-unless…?"
  4453. >"Unless you agree to that duel."
  4454. "Uh…"
  4455. >"Center of town, seven days, high noon. Pistols, not swords. Traditional rules, not quickdraw. My deputies'll catch you if you try to skip town before then."
  4456. >with that, Collisaw Cueball gets up
  4457. >shakes his head a bit
  4458. >and canters off
  4459. >Razzie is staring at you with wide eyes
  4460. >at least her funk seems to have worn off
  4461. >"Anon, what is a duel?"
  4462. "I only have a vague idea myself."
  4463.  
  4464. Part 4: Day One
  4465.  
  4466. >you'd figured that a good night's sleep might help you figure out what to do
  4467. >but you never got a chance to put your theory to the test
  4468. >you were all night awake
  4469. >pondering over everything
  4470. >and now everything is the same as it was
  4471. >except you're tired, too
  4472. >the logical next step, you reckon, would be to buy a gun and start practicing with it
  4473. >the problem is, Cueball wasn't lying
  4474. >you've got enough money for seven days in the hotel and a train ride home
  4475. >even if you could pick up a cheap, shitty pistol, it would put you out on the streets today
  4476. >"Anon?"
  4477. >you shake the thoughts out of your head
  4478. "Yeah?"
  4479. >Razzie kicks the floor with a lazy forehoof
  4480. >"When is breakfast?"
  4481. >your eyebrows fly off the top of your head
  4482. >sweet mother of fuck
  4483. >you've counted out enough bits for a week-long stay in the hotel
  4484. >and just enough for two train tickets to Ponyville
  4485. >after that?
  4486. >there's nothing left
  4487. >no doubt Cueball had intended to leave enough bits for a week's worth of meagre meals
  4488. >but he wouldn't have counted on you having a companion
  4489. >there's no money for food
  4490. >hang on, time for some quick math
  4491. >you might be able to do three days of shelter and three days of food?
  4492. >or maybe you could only buy food for Razzie
  4493. >then there's, like, five days of shelter
  4494. >and five days of food?
  4495. >fuck, you've never been great at math
  4496. >"Anon?"
  4497. "Uh, yeah, uh..."
  4498. >the door bangs loudly
  4499. >you take the opportunity to put off this conversation
  4500. "Ah, better get that."
  4501. >the other side of the door reveals an Apple Fritter
  4502. >she walks in without waiting to be invited
  4503. "Gee, hey Fritter, come on in, make... yourself... eh..."
  4504. >somehow, this kind of banter doesn't feel like fun now
  4505. >"Uh huh. Nonermous, you alone right now?"
  4506. >you gesture at Razzie
  4507. "Well, no."
  4508. >"Oh, right, you got a littleun now. Ah..."
  4509. >Fritter marches up to Razzie, cranes her neck down, and smiles sweetly
  4510. >"Hey, you. What's your name again?"
  4511. >Razzie looks down
  4512. >"Um, R-Raspberry Heaven."
  4513. >strange
  4514. >she was nothing but friendly with total strangers in Marenberg
  4515. >maybe that's just because things seem less scary when you're wearing the skin of a six-foot biped
  4516. >or maybe everything that's happened is still kind of overwhelming for her
  4517. >"And what's that Nonermous calls you again? Ain't it Razzie?"
  4518. >"Yes."
  4519. >Fritter drops to the... knees?... on her forelegs and smiles into Razzie's lowered eyes
  4520. >"Can I call you Razzie too?"
  4521. >Razzie blinks in thought
  4522. >"Does that mean we're friends?"
  4523. >"Well, sure. Sure it does."
  4524. >a little smile appears on Razzie's snoot even as she averts her eyes again
  4525. >"Okay."
  4526. >Fritter jumps back up into a standing position
  4527. >"All right, Razzie, you mind if I borrow Nonermous for a bit? I gotta talk with him outside for a minute."
  4528. "Huh?"
  4529. >"Okay."
  4530. >"Thank you!"
  4531. >in an instant, Fritter's head is pushed against your butt
  4532. >and you're shoved out the door
  4533.  
  4534. >with the door shut, Fritter eyeballs the hallway for a moment
  4535. >"All right, Nonermous. We gotta talk."
  4536. "Man, Fritter, I've got problems-"
  4537. >"That's what we need to talk about, Nonermous!"
  4538. >she shakes her head
  4539. >"You weren't gonna do this alone, were you?"
  4540. "What? Uh..."
  4541. >"Listen, I tried to send a telegraph about all this to Ponyville."
  4542. "Tried?"
  4543. >Fritter leans in close
  4544. >strains her neck trying to whisper into your ear
  4545. >"Somebody cut the line. They're saying it'll take about a week to fix it."
  4546. "Oh. That's a funny coincidence."
  4547. >"Uh-huh. We gotta come up with a way to get you outta here."
  4548. "Get out of here?"
  4549. >"Of course! You weren't gonna actually duel with Collishaw Cueball, were you?"
  4550. "Well..."
  4551. >"He's a sherrif! Have you even shot a pistol before?"
  4552. "W-well, I mean, I've always supported gun rights, I just never, uh-"
  4553. >"What?"
  4554. "No."
  4555. >"Nonermous, you gotta get outta town. Only the princess can help you sort this thing out."
  4556. "Well, I'm not sure how that's supposed to work out. I'm not allowed on the train, remember?"
  4557. >"You could... walk to Marenberg."
  4558. "Fritter, I've walked from here to Darkstar's Mountain and from Darkstar's Mountain to here. I almost died both times, and that's only halfway to Marenberg."
  4559. >Fritter groans
  4560. >"Well, there's gotta be a way to sneak you onto that train."
  4561. "Well..."
  4562. >"What?"
  4563. "No..."
  4564. >"What? If you got an idea, spit it out!"
  4565. "Well, I guess I've done it before."
  4566. >"When?"
  4567. "When I helped save the world about a year ago."
  4568. >"Oh, right, right, the, uh, Sombra thing. You were a part of that, yeah! Go on."
  4569. "It wasn't too crazy. I got all wrapped up in fabric and crawled onboard the train on my hands and knees. You know, so I looked like a really over-dressed pony."
  4570. >Fritter taps her chin with her hoof
  4571. >"That could do it..."
  4572. >you sigh
  4573. >"What?"
  4574. >"I mean, I was sneaking into danger that time. Not, you know, out of it."
  4575. >Fritter reaches up to your chest with her hoof
  4576. >"Look, Nonermous, there's a difference between risking your hide for your friends, and risking it for... what? Pride? You got that filly to think about now."
  4577. "I guess."
  4578. >Fritter looks you up and down
  4579. >"I can have a disguise sewed up for you by tomorrow."
  4580. "All right."
  4581. >Fritter begins to hurry her way out
  4582. >"I'll see you tomorrow, Nonermous."
  4583. >and then you remember something
  4584. "Wait, Fritter!"
  4585. >she stops and... glares at you?
  4586. >"What?"
  4587. "Look, I hate to ask-"
  4588. >"I noticed."
  4589. "Uh, look, I don't have enough money for a week's worth of food."
  4590. >Fritter rolls her eyes
  4591. >"What'd I just say? You're not gonna be here for a week. And if you somehow run out of bits before you get outta here, I own an apple farm."
  4592. >with that, Apple Fritter disappears around a corner
  4593. >does she seem...
  4594. >mad at you?
  4595.  
  4596. Part 5: Day Two
  4597.  
  4598. >this shit again
  4599. >on the one hand, this disguise is much cleaner than the one made by a mare whose talent had been magically sucked out or whatever
  4600. >on the other hand, you were heading to the far north that time
  4601. >so a total body-cover made sense
  4602. >but this is the desert
  4603. >what are you supposed to be?
  4604. >a pony muslim?
  4605. >walking is slower work this time as well
  4606. >you've got to be considerate of Razzie
  4607. >who is, at present, blindly crawling with you under your burqa
  4608. >Apple Fritter keeps walking on ahead of you
  4609. >she pauses while you catch up, fidgeting with her hooves awkwardly
  4610. >it takes a while
  4611. >but eventually you do reach the ticket window
  4612. >behind the ticket mare leers a scarred desperado
  4613. >"Hol' it right thar, Apple Fritter. Who's the bathrobe?"
  4614. >Fritter points at you
  4615. >"Uh, who, her? This is my good friend, uh, App...u...la..."
  4616. >the thug seems skeptical
  4617. >"Ahuh. An' how 'bout I see yer friend's face?"
  4618. >Fritter snorts
  4619. >"Sun, no! The, uh... sun, it's... bad for... her... skin."
  4620. >the desperado's eyebrow is now cocked to an impressive height
  4621. >Fritter's eyes are darting between you and the ticket window
  4622. >"She's uh... a vampire."
  4623. >you hwut lassie girl
  4624. >that's it
  4625. >you're gonna spend the rest of your life in a desert jail cell
  4626. >the evil cowboy pony's gaze widens
  4627. >"A vampire?!"
  4628. >Fritter blinks
  4629. >then blinks again
  4630. >"Y-yeah. Don't worry though, she's uh... the kind of vampire that only bites apples."
  4631. >surprisingly, you've heard that's a thing in Equestria
  4632. >"O-oh, well I, uh, didn't mean to offend your friend or anything, Apple Fritter."
  4633. >the desperado glares at the ticket mare
  4634. >"Well, get 'er a ticket!"
  4635. >Fritter flashes her sweet little smile
  4636. >"One to Ponyville, please!"
  4637. >as you trudge over to the train, you reflect on what you've just been through
  4638. >Fritter is a terrible liar
  4639. >but somehow she's saved your ass
  4640. >or at least, that's what you assume
  4641. >until a conductor pony with massive sideburns steps out of the train
  4642. >and holds a hoof up in your face
  4643. >"My apologies ma'am, the train has broken down. I'm afraid this station is going to be out of service for a few days."
  4644. >Fritter interjects
  4645. >"How many days?"
  4646. >the conductor pony waves his hoof
  4647. >"Oh, not long, ma'am. We can have your friend out of here in... say, four or five days."
  4648. >and Fritter growls in your ear
  4649. >"Another funny coincidence."
  4650.  
  4651. Part 6: Day Three
  4652.  
  4653. >you're awoken early by somebody pounding on your door
  4654. >predictably, somebody turns out to be Apple Fritter
  4655. >you figure she wants to know if you've got another plan to escape
  4656. >but...
  4657. >"Give me Sombra."
  4658. "Huh?"
  4659. >"Come on now, you know darn well if Cueball finds him in here he can lock you up."
  4660. >you spend a few seconds rubbing the sleep out of your eyes
  4661. "Uh, sure."
  4662. >you grab Sombra's crystal off of the counter
  4663. "Hey, bud. You're gonna go away with Apple Fritter for a little while, okay?"
  4664. >Sombra stares down Fritter for a moment
  4665. >"Mm. Good."
  4666. "Wow. You're that happy to get away from me, huh?"
  4667. >"Yes."
  4668. >dick
  4669. >you shake your head and hand him off to Fritter
  4670. >"Thanks Nonermous. I'll, uh, see you around."
  4671. >with that, she - almost literally - gallops off
  4672. "Wait, that's it? You showed up awful early, you know."
  4673. >without stopping, she yells over her shoulder
  4674. >"You'll be fine, Nonermous. Dismule's coming over!"
  4675. >what?
  4676. >you spend a minute or two looking out the door to see if Dismule does indeed show up
  4677. >he doesn't
  4678. >you shake your head and close the door
  4679. >and nearly trip on Razzie
  4680. >"What was that about?"
  4681. "Sombra's going away for a little while."
  4682. >"Why?"
  4683. "I, uh, don't really know. Look, it's still-"
  4684. >you look at the clock
  4685. "Man, it's still four in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a while."
  4686.  
  4687. >you're woken up again by more knocking on the door
  4688. >at least the sun is all the way up this time
  4689. >you get the door
  4690. "Apple Fritter, I'm grateful for the help, but-"
  4691. >an old, magnanimous burro is cocking his head up at you
  4692. "Oh, hey Dismule."
  4693. >"Mornin', Anawn."
  4694. "Come on in, I haven't seen you since I got back."
  4695. >"Don't mind if I do."
  4696. >Dismule saunters in and drops a heavy bag on the table
  4697. >"'Smy unnerstandin', Anawn, yer in a spot o' trouble."
  4698. "Yeah... a, uh, little bit. Did Apple Fritter put you up to this?"
  4699. >Dismule snorts
  4700. >"Apple Fritter's a silly little filly. Tried to stop me. Thinks yer gonna make it outta this town afore the duel."
  4701. "Y-yeah?"
  4702. >"So yer first problem..."
  4703. >out of the big heavy bag, a smaller heavy bag plops on the table
  4704. >"Y'ain't got the bits fer a week. Wal, now ya do."
  4705. >that bag
  4706. >it's full of bits
  4707. "Dismule, this isn't from your dream-money, is it? The castle in Canterlot?"
  4708. >he snorts
  4709. >"Anawn, if a burro cain't spare some change fer his friends, he ain't a rich burro, no matter how many bits he's got."
  4710. "Dismule..."
  4711. >"Take it, it ain't hardly nothin'. I'm still far an' away the richest burro in Equestria."
  4712. "Th-thanks."
  4713. >"Yup. Now yer second problem..."
  4714. >out of the big heavy bag...
  4715. >a revolver
  4716. >"I heard ya don't know how ta shoot. I kin show ya."
  4717. "Show me?"
  4718. >"Yeh. We kin head out to the plains an' set up some bottles. I've been a wanderer 'round these parts forty years, ya won't find a better shooter than me in this whole town."
  4719. >Razzie peers out from the other side of the room
  4720. >"Are you going outside? Can I come too?"
  4721.  
  4722. >"Awright, first thing's first, Nonermous. Safety rules, so ya don't shoot nobody 'cept for Collishaw Cueball."
  4723. "Okay. Lay it on me."
  4724. >"Rule number one, don't never point that thing at nobody or no thing ya don't mean to shoot."
  4725. "Okay."
  4726. >"An' I mean never. No matter if it's loaded, an' no matter if it's cocked. Ya never know, an' accidents happen."
  4727. "Right. Yeah. That makes sense."
  4728. >"Rule number two, keep yer hoof - er, claw - er, ahuh, finger, offa the trigger til it's pointin' at somebody or some thing ya mean to shoot."
  4729. "All right."
  4730. >"Rule number three, don't never cock the hammer til it's pointed at somebody or some thing ya mean to shoot."
  4731. "Yeah, okay."
  4732. >"That's it."
  4733. "There's nothing about a, uh, safety?"
  4734. >"A hwat, boy?"
  4735. "Never mind."
  4736. >Dismule causes a cylinder with six holes in it to slide sideways out of the gun
  4737. >with incredible dexterity for someone so old and so finger-less, he inserts a bullet into each hole
  4738. >he sticks the cylinder back in, and looks at you
  4739. >"Awright. Make sure that littleun of yours is coverin' her ears."
  4740. >Razzie is laying on her back
  4741. >her hooves are all spread out as wide as she can get them
  4742. >like she's trying to photosynthesize or something
  4743. "Hey, Razzie, how you doing over there?"
  4744. >"I like the sky."
  4745. "Yeah?"
  4746. >"I don't ever want to live underground again."
  4747. "You won't have to. Listen, can you cover your ears for me? It's about to get loud here."
  4748. >"Yes, Anon."
  4749. >Dismule points the revolver at a bottle stood up about ten feet away
  4750. >"Awright, so ya aim... There's a little bead at the end of the gun, make sure that's coverin' the bottle."
  4751. >with some indescribable contortion of his hooves, he pulls the hammer back til it clicks into place
  4752. >"Cock..."
  4753. >and...
  4754. >"Fire!"
  4755. >a loud crack rings through the sandy plains
  4756. >in the same instant, the bottle disappears
  4757. >"Think ya kin do that?"
  4758. "Sure, sure."
  4759. >Awright."
  4760. >he hands you the gun
  4761. >"Give 'er a go."
  4762. >you pick out a bottle
  4763. >you put the bead over it
  4764. >you cock the hammer back
  4765. >and...
  4766. >CRACK
  4767. >but the bottle
  4768. >stands unharmed
  4769. >a puff of dust lazily rises up some 50 feet beyond it
  4770. >"Wal, that's awright. Yer a big fellar, try leanin' forward a little bit."
  4771.  
  4772. Part 7: Day Four
  4773.  
  4774. >"Anon."
  4775. "Huh? What's up, Razzie?"
  4776. >Razzie looks down
  4777. >"Never mind. I do not know if you are busy."
  4778. "Geez, why so shy all of the sudden? I wasn't busy, I was just thinking. What do you need?"
  4779. >she's mumbling now
  4780. >but you think you can make out what she's saying
  4781. >"I-I don't need it..."
  4782. "Well, that's fine, you don't have to need it. What do you want?"
  4783. >she trots off without a word
  4784. >but comes back with the little bag she brought from the mountain
  4785. >she sticks her face into it
  4786. >pulls something out
  4787. >and drops it
  4788. >it's a ball
  4789. "What? You wanna play?
  4790. >she starts bouncing up and down at the question
  4791. >"Yes!"
  4792. "Yeah, sure. Wanna go outside?
  4793. >"Outside?"
  4794. "You know, under the sky?"
  4795. >"Oh, can we?"
  4796. "With no mad scientists or killer robots to stop us? Can we ever."
  4797. >with that careless statement, Razzie's sudden animation stops
  4798. >oh, right
  4799. >because that mad scientist was basically Razzie's mother
  4800. >and she died like a week ago
  4801. >the sight of sad little filly prompts you to sudden action
  4802. "Oh, no no no, uh..."
  4803. >you grab the ball and shake it in front of her face
  4804. >hopefully she doesn't know much about dogs
  4805. "Hey, hey, you still wanna go outside?"
  4806. >"In here is fine..."
  4807. >ah shit
  4808. >you slip from your chair to the floor
  4809. >set the ball down in front of you
  4810. >and roll it toward her
  4811. >she kicks back at you with a forehoof
  4812. >it seems like a good sign
  4813. >so you roll it back at her
  4814. >and she sends it right back
  4815. >the same lazy ball-game you used to play with her in the mountain
  4816. >this goes on in silence for a few minutes
  4817. >and then
  4818. >"Anon?"
  4819. "Yeah?"
  4820. >"Do you think my mother loved me?"
  4821. >boom
  4822. >wham
  4823. >thwack
  4824. >there it is:
  4825. >the sort of blunt weapon only a child could hit you with
  4826. "Well, y-"
  4827. >you're cut off
  4828. >not so much by any sound
  4829. >but a sight
  4830. >Razzie is glaring at you
  4831. >"Be. Honest."
  4832. "Geez, Razzie. That's kind of a tough question..."
  4833. >you sigh
  4834. "Didn't we already talk about this back in the mountain? Just before we left?"
  4835. >"I was crying my eyes out, and you were hurt. I want to talk about it again."
  4836. "What for?"
  4837. >she shuffles her hooves uncomfortably
  4838. >"I want to make sure. To make sure I understand."
  4839. "It'll be kind of hard for me to answer that, Razzie. I didn't know her that well."
  4840. >"You're the only one who knew her at all, besides me."
  4841. >the heart-shaped locket of the mad scientist Phylum Strata weighs heavy in your pocket
  4842. >you're not the only one...
  4843. >you should really find a way to tell Razzie about her sister
  4844. >soon
  4845. >but not right now
  4846. >"Anon?"
  4847. "Well, my honest opinion is a little complicated. Are you all right with that?"
  4848. >"Yes. She'd want me to face the facts, head on."
  4849. >well
  4850. >unfortunately, there's no way to tell her the truth without being blunt
  4851. >no way to keep the truth from hurting her, once she knows it
  4852. >if she wants it so bad...
  4853. >well, let's just get the band-aid ripped off quickly
  4854. "She told me, more or less, that she didn't."
  4855. >the ball rolls into Razzie's hoof
  4856. >and stops there
  4857. "She told me that she was only pretending to, for your health."
  4858. >Razzie just doesn't kick the ball back at you
  4859. "She told me that she didn't feel any emotion, ever. She wanted to be completely cold and unfeeling at all times, and, if she didn't kill you for an experiment, wanted the same for you someday."
  4860. >Razzie's head tilts forward to a point where her mane falls over her eyes
  4861. "I don't think she was being completely honest with me. I don't think she was being completely honest with herself."
  4862. >"How could she be dishonest with herself? How could anyone?"
  4863. "Well, in the same way as you can not know what you want. Everyone's complicated."
  4864. >"Too complicated."
  4865. "Yeah. You already know that she'd decided to kill you just before the end."
  4866. >"Yes."
  4867. "She was dying of old age, and she thought, no, she knew there was a way she could live longer using your body."
  4868. "She'd been planning it for a while. She forced me to practice this process on others."
  4869. >Razzie gasps
  4870. >"You killed ponies?"
  4871. >not exactly, but...
  4872. >the sight of that old stallion's body sobbing like a little filly...
  4873. "I might as well have."
  4874. >"But... my mother forced you to, right?"
  4875. "Yeah."
  4876. >"Then... she would have forced you to..."
  4877. "Yeah. She wanted me to do the procedure on you."
  4878. >"And you killed her for it."
  4879. "Not exactly. I chased her to the lava pit, but she jumped in all on her own."
  4880. >"But why?"
  4881. "Because she hadn't been honest with herself til then. She thought it was justice."
  4882. >you take a second to take a deep breath
  4883. >but Razzie gets in your face
  4884. >"T-tell me more! I need to know everything!"
  4885. >your mouth cracks into a smile that you can't feel in your eyes
  4886. "Remember the day you played checkers with her?"
  4887. >"Yes."
  4888. "Right after that, she started looking for ways to live longer that would let you live."
  4889. "She told me that she felt something that day. She felt real affection for you that day. And it scared her. She tried to get rid of it."
  4890. "But even though it scared her, it got her to look for a way that you could both live, together."
  4891. >"But she failed, didn't she?"
  4892. "Yeah. She did. And shortly after that, she doubled down on being cold and unfeeling, and, well, you remember waking up in my body."
  4893. >there
  4894. >now she knows the whole, fucked-up affair
  4895. >the kind of thing you had always assumed was emphatically impossible in Equestria
  4896. >you'd wanted to wait til she was older to tell her
  4897. >but you know what?
  4898. >talking about it feels good
  4899. >and now you've finally got a simple answer for Razzie's original question
  4900. "Yes. She loved you. But she didn't realize it til too late."
  4901. >"Because she wouldn't face the facts."
  4902. "You could put it that way."
  4903. >Razzie pokes at the ball a bit
  4904. >"I don't want to make the same mistake. I want to look at the world for what it really is, just like she taught me to."
  4905. >now she's rolling it under her hoof
  4906. >"I want to move forward with my mother in my mind."
  4907. >then she kicks it toward you
  4908. >"But in my heart, too."
  4909.  
  4910. Part 8: Day Five
  4911.  
  4912. >"Awright, Anawn. He said traditional rules, right?"
  4913. >the bead of the revolver bounces around the bottle
  4914. "Yeah."
  4915. >"Not quickdraw?"
  4916. >your shoulders are starting to hurt from holding the pistol out for so long
  4917. "No."
  4918. >"That's good. Means you can take yer time aimin'."
  4919. >finally the bead starts to settle on the neck of the bottle
  4920. >"Take all day if ya like. When it's yore turn ta shoot, there ain't no pressure at all. 'Member to breathe, now."
  4921. >no pressure at all
  4922. >except if you miss then it's Cueball's turn
  4923. >and he won't miss
  4924. >thunder cracks in your hands
  4925. >a puff of dust rises beyond the bottle
  4926. >the bottle itself is unharmed
  4927. >"That's awright now, that's awright. Jes' try it again."
  4928. >it doesn't take long to get the bead centered on the neck of the bottle again
  4929. >your last shoulder day with Dash was months ago
  4930. >but you'll hold that pistol out like your life depends on it
  4931. >because it does
  4932. >"Git yer legs a little bit further apart."
  4933. >a slight shake you hadn't noticed is excorcised from the bead
  4934. >"An' try leanin' forward more."
  4935. >the bead slides down a bit on the bottle
  4936. >your finger makes for the trigger
  4937. >"Anawn, ya know why I got that bottle on the ground, don'tcha?"
  4938. >your finger goes straight again
  4939. >"It's ta get ya used ta aimin' low."
  4940. >the bead slides down a little further
  4941. >"Real low, lower than ya want."
  4942. >it's sitting at about the middle of the bottle
  4943. >"Big fellar like you, ain't never shot a revolver before, you'll shoot high every time."
  4944. >you let the bead hover around three quarters of the way down the bottle
  4945. >"I'm tellin' ya, ya aim low on Cueball's chest, you'll gettem. Ya try aimin' at his head, you'll shoot high."
  4946. >all right
  4947. >you stick the bead right on the bottom rim of the bottle
  4948. >the gun cracks out
  4949. >the bottle is lost in a puff of yellow sand
  4950. >and when the dust settles...
  4951. >it's still standing
  4952. >Dismule clears his throat
  4953. >"Eh, mebbe not that low. Yer closest shot yet, though."
  4954. >you let the pistol aim at the ground
  4955. >take one hand off of it
  4956. >and wipe the sweat off your brow
  4957. >"That's awright now. Try it again, I think you'll get it this time."
  4958. >placing both hands on the pistol once more, you put the bead back on the bottle
  4959. >without rear sights, it takes a bit for you to be confident that it's lined up with your eye correctly
  4960. >the bead is sitting right on that lower rim again
  4961. >in teeny little increments, it inches its way up
  4962. >when it looks like the barrel is covering the bottom rim of the bottle
  4963. >that's when thunder peals out again
  4964. >and at last
  4965. >the bottle explodes into a million little pieces
  4966.  
  4967. Part 9: Day Six
  4968.  
  4969. >you actually managed to hit most of the bottles today
  4970. >but that duel is tomorrow
  4971. >it's, maybe, 10 at night right now?
  4972. >sleeping isn't easy when you're probably gonna get shot tomorrow
  4973. >it'd be nice to talk to someone about it
  4974. >ever since you got the bright idea to tell Razzie everything you knew about her mother, she's been...
  4975. >pensive?
  4976. >not sad anymore, at least there's that
  4977. >she's just
  4978. >thoughtful
  4979. >the point is, she's processing her own problems right now
  4980. >also she's like ten
  4981. >and she's asleep
  4982. >fuck
  4983. >you haven't made any arrangements for what should happen to her if you...
  4984. >shit
  4985. >that's about an extra three thousand pounds of weight on your shoulders
  4986. >you get dressed
  4987. >and step outside
  4988. >the little desert town is deathly quiet in the dark
  4989. >the perfectly cloudless night affords you a brilliant starlight that's more than bright enough to see by
  4990. "I'm giving you a nightcall..."
  4991. >no
  4992. >stop that
  4993. >you find yourself making your way through town
  4994. >heading toward the apple farm
  4995. >you've got a mind to see that grove again
  4996. >the one Jonagold had you working in when you first showed up
  4997. >the big apple orchard is almost like a small forest, sitting there on the river
  4998. >it's certainly an impressive piece of work
  4999. >hopefully nobody minds you taking a walk through it
  5000. >it's not like you're here to steal the damn apples
  5001. >you just need to think
  5002. "... to tell you how I feel..."
  5003. >motherfucker I said stop
  5004.  
  5005. >as you approach the grove, you realize that even the river is flowing silently in the cool darkness of the desert night
  5006. >the only sound you'd expect to hear would be the quiet rustling of the ground under your boots
  5007. >so what are those voices you're hearing?
  5008. >"Look, all I'm saying is you gotta let the man fight his own battle."
  5009. >Jonagold
  5010. >you hug the dark side of a big apple tree
  5011. >"It ain't his battle though. It's ours, and I dragged him into it. I-I-I manipulated him!"
  5012. >Apple Fritter
  5013. >it's taking your eyes a few minutes for your eyes to adjust to the increased darkness
  5014. >"What? Apple Fritter, no. You made friends with him. From what I gather, Nonermous was hurting, and you reached out to him. You did a good thing."
  5015. >ah
  5016. >in case there was any doubt, they're definitely talking about you
  5017. >Apple Fritter sniffs
  5018. >"I was always hanging off him to keep Piebald away. That's what got Cueball after him."
  5019. >"Fritter, I got the impression you really liked the fella. You sayin' that was all fake?"
  5020. >Apple Fritter makes some kind of whining noise
  5021. >as you begin to make out her form, you see her kick at the dirt
  5022. >"No."
  5023. >"Well all right then. You're not so bad. You been acting funny since you read Pa's journal, you just-"
  5024. >"There was a telegram. I hid it from you, Jonny. It was from Applejack, asking us to be on the lookout for Nonermous, and to send him back to Ponyville. We got it a little before Nonermous left."
  5025. >"Fritter..."
  5026. >"If I'd told him to go home, he wouldn't have gotten carried off to some mountain, and he wouldn't have this duel tomorrow."
  5027. >Jonagold spends a minute considering this
  5028. >"But the princess wouldn't have come, and maybe we wouldn't still own the farm."
  5029. >"Is that worth it?"
  5030. >Jonagold sighs
  5031. >"All right, let's say this is all your fault. It's not like you coulda known-"
  5032. >"That's not the point, Jonagold! Even if it wasn't my fault, we're still his friends, ain't we? We've got to stop this duel from happening!"
  5033. >huh
  5034. >well if that's the way Fritter feels, it's no wonder she's been acting so strangely
  5035. >shit, if she read that journal she probably blames herself for her father's disappearance too
  5036. >because he wrote he was seeking the Horn for Fritter
  5037. >as if that makes it her fault
  5038. >it's the same with you
  5039. >she'd told you about the problems she was having
  5040. >you'd wanted to help
  5041. >hell, this whole mess feels like your own damn fault to you
  5042. >if you'd taken a second to stop playing cowboy and actually think...
  5043. >if you'd gone home when that telegram came...
  5044. >told Twilight about everything going on down here...
  5045. >but then, what would have happened to Razzie?
  5046. >no, everything turned out for the best
  5047. >if you come off the worse for it
  5048. >but everyone else comes off the better
  5049. >that's a good thing
  5050. >isn't it?
  5051. >you'll have to tell Fritter something along those lines before the duel tomorrow
  5052. >a third voice clears his throat
  5053. >in the dim light, you can make out Dismule
  5054. >"Anawn's gotta chance in that duel tomorra, Apple Fritter. You shouldn't try to stop it, you'll only hurt his pride."
  5055. >"That's true, Fritter. You shouldn't take the man's pride like that."
  5056. >Fritter scoffs
  5057. >"Pride! You colts... he's takin' a chance more than he's got as chance! You're talking about lettin' our friend throw away his life for pride? Wh-what about that filly he's picked up? Does she gotta hurt for pride too?"
  5058. >"Anawn can hit Cueball if he's got time to aim, an' in a traditional duel, he'll have time."
  5059. >"That's assumin' Cueball doesn't try nothing funny. It's also assuming Nonermous wins the coin toss. He's got a 50/50 shot at best."
  5060. >Dismule procures something in his hoof that you can't quite see, and chuckles
  5061. >"Oh, I'd say he's got better'n that, missy. I'm the boy's second. I kin flip this hyar trick coin tomorra. Anawn'll be none the wiser, an' Picacholt'll be in for a new sherrif."
  5062. >Fritter sighs
  5063. >"Sombra."
  5064. >a shape you'd assumed to be a rock takes on a white glow
  5065. >the unmistakable growl of Sombra rumbles through the grove
  5066. >damn, even he's here
  5067. >"Mister Sombra, you said you can't hurt anyone, right?"
  5068. >Sombra rumbles for a bit
  5069. >"No hurt ponies."
  5070. >Jonagold cringes
  5071. >"C'mon Fritter, don't make a deal with that thing."
  5072. >"He's a he, and I'm just asking some questions."
  5073. >Fritter gets up close to Sombra
  5074. >"Now, Mister Sombra, you say you can't hurt ponies, but..."
  5075. >she taps her chin with her hoof for a moment
  5076. >"Can you let ponies get hurt?"
  5077. >"Ponies get hurt all the time."
  5078. >did Sombra just speak a complete sentence?
  5079. >you knew getting him out of that dungeon would do him some good
  5080. >"Yeah, I know that. What I mean is, if you're right there, watchin' someone about to get hurt, and you could maybe do something about it. Are you able to sit there and do nothing, or do you have to do something?"
  5081. >Sombra doesn't grumble
  5082. >instead, he thinks in silence
  5083. >"Don't know."
  5084. >"Well, what do you think would happen?"
  5085. >"Don't know."
  5086. >"No guesses?"
  5087. >Sombra's silence implies that he has no guesses
  5088. >Fritter sighs
  5089. >"All right, look. If you saw Anon about to get hurt, would you stop it? Even if you didn't have to?"
  5090. >Sombra's growling takes on a deeper, more guttural note
  5091. >"Don't know..."
  5092. >Fritter turns tail on Sombra's crystal
  5093. >"Fine, be that way. He's your friend too, you know."
  5094. >Sombra doesn't reply
  5095. >but in his crystal
  5096. >you see a big, green eyeball
  5097. >it seems to be staring straight at you
  5098. >does he see you?
  5099. >you know he can see just fine in the dark
  5100. >and he can detect bad feelings
  5101. >and...
  5102. >you didn't realize it til just now
  5103. >but you're feeling pretty pissed
  5104.  
  5105. >Jonagold shakes his head
  5106. >"Look, Apple Fritter, I don't know about stoppin' the duel, but I do know we gotta be there to see it. I'm goin' to bed now. You can come home with me or you can stay here plotting."
  5107. >Jonagold makes his way out of the grove, heading in the direction of the farmhouse
  5108. >Dismule yawns
  5109. >"Yup, I'd better hit the hay too. I'm Anawn's second after all. Don't worry so much, little missy. I seen lots of folks get through tough sitiations in the West, an' I think Anawn'll be one of 'em."
  5110. >he canters off after Jonagold
  5111. >Apple Fritter hangs her head
  5112. >"Nonermous is in danger. Why doesn't anyone wanna help?"
  5113. "Maybe I'm a big boy, Fritter. Maybe I can take care of myself."
  5114. >Apple Fritter falls on her ass
  5115. >"N-Nonermous! How long have you been there?"
  5116. "Long enough."
  5117. >you stride into the starlight, where she can see you
  5118. "Fritter, why? Why all this plotting behind my back? If you've got a problem with me, why not just come to me about it?"
  5119. >she stamps her hoof at the question
  5120. >"Because you're gonna get shot at tomorrow, Nonermous! You're gonna get shot at and you don't even care!"
  5121. >she marches right up to you
  5122. >close enough that you can make out the scowl on her face
  5123. >"You haven't tried to get outta town once since that time I tried to help you! You-you..."
  5124. >she pulls back a forehoof and punches you in the hip with it
  5125. >"Stupid!"
  5126. >punch
  5127. >"Selfish!"
  5128. >punch
  5129. >"Lazy!"
  5130. >punch
  5131. >"Bastard!"
  5132. >before you know what's going on, her face is buried in your belly
  5133. >and
  5134. >somehow
  5135. >your shirt is wet now
  5136. >"You think you can just show up my life, make a complete ass of yourself, and then take a train outta here... probably without even sayin' goodbye! Just like you did to Princess Twilight!"
  5137. "Fritter? What are you talking about?"
  5138. >"It's real easy to go through life pretendin' like nobody cares about you, ain't it? You can just up and leave whenever you like, or get shot, and nobody cares, right?"
  5139. >a single sob is fired into your abdomen
  5140. >"But I care about you. And Jonagold cares about you. And Dismule cares about you. And that little child you took in, she needs you!"
  5141. >one sob becomes two
  5142. >"And... and you got a princess who loves you! And all of her friends care about you too."
  5143. >your fingers find their way into Fritter's mane
  5144. >you appreciate the warm, soft sensation for a moment
  5145. >but you can't bear it for any longer than that
  5146. "You're just like her."
  5147. >"Who?"
  5148. "Your cousin. Applejack."
  5149. >you push Fritter's head off of you
  5150. >and step back
  5151. "The way you want to get involved in my problems, but you can't let my own damn problems be about me."
  5152. >you grimace
  5153. "It always comes back to Princess Twilight Sparkle, doesn't it?"
  5154. >your head is feeling a bit light
  5155. "I can't go where I want because it'd make her feel bad, I can't pick fights when I want because it'd make her look bad, I can't die how I damn well want because... because-"
  5156. >"Die?! Nonermous, no!"
  5157. >Apple Fritter assaults your belly with her tear-soaked muzzle once again
  5158. >"I'm your friend, Nonermous... I own a magic rock that can do anything I want, because you brought it to me. You think I'd let you... die from a gunshot wound?"
  5159. "It's not- nevermind, I can tell Twilight didn't tell you as much as you think she did. And if you're not gonna let me die, why the hell do you care about the duel anyway?"
  5160. >"What if I can't save you, even with the Peg-Horn?"
  5161. >she nuzzles into you as deeply as your abs allow her to
  5162. >"And what if... what if you win?"
  5163.  
  5164. Part 10: The Duel
  5165.  
  5166. >the little clock tower in the center of town strikes twelve
  5167. >with every deep knell of the bell, the midday desert sun grows more and more oppressive
  5168. >a pair of wooden railings have been set up as barriers, about ten feet apart
  5169. >Collishaw Cueball isn't here yet
  5170. >the sound of a train whistle pulls your gaze to the station
  5171. >sure enough, there's a little passenger train pulling in right now
  5172. >looks like they got it fixed, after all
  5173. >Apple Fritter tugs on your pant leg
  5174. >wait
  5175. >when did she get here?
  5176. >"Now's your chance, Nonermous. We can get you on that train right now. You don't have to do this."
  5177. >your mouth speaks before your brain can process what she's saying
  5178. >and what it says surprises you
  5179. "No."
  5180. >"What? Why?"
  5181. >your brow furrows
  5182. "I've... got my reasons."
  5183. >"Wha- well, you've got your reasons! Would you mind tellin' me what reason you could possibly have to stick around and get shot?"
  5184. >that's a good question
  5185. >but there's a
  5186. >pressure
  5187. >in the back of your neck
  5188. >and it's urging you to stay
  5189. >a heavy breath escapes your nostrils
  5190. "I guess... I'm afraid to."
  5191. >"Afraid to go? How's that more scary than getting shot?"
  5192. "No. I mean I'm afraid to tell you my reasons. It's like... if I put them into words, I might lose them."
  5193. >Apple Fritter's eyes grow to the size of dinner plates
  5194. >even as her pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks
  5195. >"What are you talking about? You need to go! Who's gonna take care of that little Raspberry Heaven of yours if... if worst comes to worst?"
  5196. >a crowd is forming along the side of the road
  5197. >they're eyeing you
  5198. >uncertainly
  5199. >like they don't quite want to root for a big monster they barely know
  5200. >but they also don't want to root against someone who might shoot Collishaw Cueball
  5201. >but there's one face in the crowd who sticks out
  5202. >there's something in Razzie's eyes, as they meet yours
  5203. >you've never seen it before
  5204. >not directed at you, anyway
  5205. >it's something like...
  5206. >admiration?
  5207. >trust?
  5208. >excitement?
  5209. >whatever it is, it gives you your answer
  5210. "I'll take care of her. No matter what."
  5211. >Fritter snorts her anxiety
  5212. >and then hisses
  5213. >"And what if you... what if you kill Collishaw Cueball? What if you change? What you get... hard?"
  5214. "You brought this up last night, Fritter. I hate to break it to you, but I've already changed. A lot. Looking back on these past few years... or even just these past few months... Even if it hurts, what's a little bit more change?"
  5215. >Fritter shakes her head vigorously
  5216. >"Killin's different, Nonermous! I seen it!"
  5217. "Well, I'll just have to try not to kill him then. I'll try my best, I promise."
  5218. >Fritter doesn't answer with words
  5219. >but in the hot, dry air
  5220. >she shivers
  5221. "Here comes Cueball now. Get off to the side, Fritter, you'll be safer there."
  5222.  
  5223. >Collishaw Cueball is cantering in from the direction of the station
  5224. >"Sorry I'm late, now. Just had to grab my second."
  5225. >his second?
  5226. >that mare with him?
  5227. >no way
  5228. >Dismule voices his disbelief before you can
  5229. >"How'd a crooked snake like you git Truth Virey fer a second?"
  5230. >Truth glares at him over her sunglasses
  5231. >"Easy, burro. A duel with a lawpony's serious business. I just wanna keep things legal."
  5232. >Cueball laughs
  5233. >"Think of Truth Virey as a promise: no tricks. When all this is said and done, I don't want nobody thinkin' it was nothin' but fair and square."
  5234. >well
  5235. >it makes sense
  5236. >Marenberg's sherif is the mare with the letter of the law for a cutie mark
  5237. >if there's anyone who could keep everyone honest, it's her
  5238. >ah, wait
  5239. >she's glaring at you now
  5240. >is this about the time you introduced yourself to her with a fake name?
  5241. >hopefully she's too much a stickler for the rules to act on a grudge
  5242. >Cueball takes his position at the barrier opposite yours and begins waving his hoof
  5243. >"Seconds, let's lay out the rules and get this show on the road."
  5244. >traditional rules for an Equestrian pistol duel are as follows:
  5245. >the duel begins with a coin toss to decide who shoots first
  5246. >as opposed to quickdraw rules, wherein the seconds shout go and both parties just shoot
  5247. >traditional rules take skill out of the equation, with the obvious exception of aim
  5248. >the idea behind this is to let fate decide which party is in the right
  5249. >Cueball snickers
  5250. >"'Course, it's also the only kinda duel poor Nonermous here would have a chance in."
  5251. >Dismule objects to this, in his usual eloquent way
  5252. >"Would you keep yer trap shut, Cueball?"
  5253. >the first party to shoot will begin ten paces behind the barrier
  5254. >upon receiving the signal to go, the party may advance as far as he likes, so long as he doesn't pass the barrier
  5255. >then, he shoots
  5256. >Virey eyeballs you
  5257. >"There ain't really a set amount of time you gotta shoot in, but it's rude to keep your partner detained for too long."
  5258. >if the second party is in any condition to shoot, he does the same thing the first party did
  5259. >after this, the duel usually ends
  5260. >but Cueball interjects
  5261. >"I'd like to propose a few extra terms."
  5262. >Virey nods
  5263. >"As the challenger, that's your right."
  5264. >Dismule cocks his eyebrow
  5265. >"Only if Anawn accepts though."
  5266. "It's fine, I'll hear it out."
  5267. >the extra terms laid out by Cueball are as follows:
  5268. >if the first encounter passes without effect, there will be a second encounter
  5269. >and if that also passes without effect, a third
  5270. >Dismules eyes are bulging out of their wrinkled sockets
  5271. >"Why, that's savage! Fourth shot's outta the question!"
  5272. >Truth Virey is eyeing Cueball nervously
  5273. >"Of course. No fourth encounter. But if Mr. Nonermous accepts-"
  5274. "I accept."
  5275. >Truth Virey coughs
  5276. >"Well in that case, it's customary for the parties to have a chance to reconcile. Would either party like to extend any kind of apology now, and cancel the duel?"
  5277. >does Collishaw Cueball seem a just little too lighthearted to anyone else here?
  5278. >"Nope!"
  5279. "No."
  5280. >Dismule steps forward
  5281. >"Wal then, let's flip the coin now. Sherif Virey, if you don't mind me havin' the honor?"
  5282. >"Very well."
  5283. >Dismule procures a coin
  5284. >"Heads Anawn shoots first, tails an' Cueball does. Sound fair?"
  5285. "Hang on! I'd prefer tails."
  5286. >Dismule sputters
  5287. >you're guessing his trick coin was designed to land on heads
  5288. >hey, if Collishaw Cueball of all ponies won't cheat, then neither will you
  5289. "That is, if it's acceptable to everyone involved."
  5290. >when Cueball and Virey both voice their assent, Dismule has no choice
  5291. >the poor old burro lets out a sigh
  5292. >"Awright. Heads fer Collishaw Cueball, tails fer Anawnermus Faggot."
  5293. >the coin is tossed
  5294. >heads
  5295.  
  5296. >all right
  5297. >now that there's actually a gun pointed at you, maybe you should have just let Dusmule flip the trick coin
  5298. >oh, shit
  5299. >yeah, that is some fairly intense panic you're feeling
  5300. >is it showing on your face?
  5301. >you're pretty sure it's showing on your face
  5302. >the smile on Cueball's face
  5303. >it's not so much a smirk, like you'd expect from a bad guy in a situation like this
  5304. >he looks
  5305. >at peace?
  5306. >without warning, the sound of the hammer cocking back hits you like a slap in the face
  5307. >when you open your eyes
  5308. >oh, hey, you cringed and glued your eyes shut
  5309. >when you open your eyes
  5310. >yep, there's that amused little grin you were expecting
  5311. >CRACK
  5312. >when you open your eyes
  5313. >oh yeah, you flinched so hard you fell back on your ass
  5314. >upon a brief patdown of your torso, you're amazed to find that you have not, in fact, been shot
  5315. >a puff of dust rises from the ground directly in front of Cueballs barrier
  5316. >what the hell?
  5317. >you get up, slowly
  5318. "Did you just shoot at the ground?"
  5319. >you appeal to the seconds
  5320. "Can he do that?"
  5321. >Cueball snorts
  5322. >"What? Miss? Most folks would be happier about that."
  5323. "But you missed on purpose!"
  5324. >"Just don't feel like killin' anyone today. You're welcome."
  5325. "What the hell are you playing at?"
  5326. >Truth Virey snaps at you
  5327. >"Collishaw Cueball's well within his rights to shoot how he likes. Are you gonna take your shot or not?"
  5328. >Dismule paws at the ground thoughtfully
  5329. >"The boy's gotta point. Ya cain't have a duel if Cueball's just gonna shoot at the ground every time."
  5330. >Cueball rears in impatience
  5331. >"Ain't no rule sayin' so! Besides, you don't know how I'll shoot next, so-"
  5332. >CRACK
  5333. >while Cueball was defending himself, you advanced to the barrier
  5334. >and put your bead on his hoof
  5335. >the crooked sherif jumps back from the puff of dust that's now rising maybe an inch from where he was standing
  5336. >"You're a real sneaky monster, you know that?"
  5337. >shit, man
  5338. >"An' weren't you just complainin' about me shootin' the ground? Boy, you ain't got the aim to clip me on the hoof."
  5339. >as he's speaking, Cueball casually waves his gun in the air
  5340. >so casually, in fact, that it's not til several seconds after the CRACK that you realize he's shot into the air
  5341. "He's doing it again!"
  5342. >a whispered, collective giggle arises from the crowd
  5343. "Oh, come on!"
  5344. >"Would you kindly take your second shot, Mr. Nonermous?"
  5345. >he sounds like he's patiently explaining something
  5346. >to an upset child
  5347. >shit damnit
  5348. >as you back up to the ten foot mark, your head whips around, looking for familiar faces
  5349. >Razzie waves eagerly at you when your eyes meet hers
  5350. >Jonagold takes care to keep your eyes from meeting his
  5351. >Apple Fritter is nowhere to be seen
  5352. >and Dismule, of course, is your second
  5353. >wow
  5354. >there's literally nobody else in this whole town who you know at all
  5355. >it's just like Ponyville
  5356. >but with two less familiar faces
  5357. >or three, since Apple Fritter seems to be boycotting the duel
  5358. >you aim your gun in the general direction of Cueball's foreleg
  5359. >because even though she's not here
  5360. >you did promise Apple Fritter you wouldn't shoot to kill
  5361. >because even after everything that's happened
  5362. >the idea of taking a life feels sickening when the power to actually do it is in your hands
  5363. >you advance to the barrier
  5364. >once there, you steady the bead around your adversary's knee
  5365. >Cueball notices
  5366. >"Aimin' real low there, pard."
  5367. >CRACK
  5368. >the slightest whiff of smoke flies from a lamppost in the distance
  5369. >another miss
  5370. >you make a point of backing up to the ten foot mark before the sherif can surprise you again
  5371. >before taking his final shot, Collishaw Cueball breaks into a huge, toothy grin
  5372. >and then
  5373. >he fucking turns around
  5374. >does a
  5375. > motherfucking
  5376. >180
  5377. >and shoots at the ground from there
  5378. >this is too much
  5379. "This is bullshit! You're the one who wanted this duel! I've been stuck here for a week over this!"
  5380. >you're stamping your foot now
  5381. >Cueball is just grinning and nodding
  5382. "You-you flung yourself at my feet to make this happen! You!"
  5383. >his hoof flies to his heart in mock scandal
  5384. >"What a bizarre accusation, Mr. Nonermous. I did no such thing."
  5385. >you make a sound like a roar
  5386. >and the crowd laughs
  5387. "You-you made like..."
  5388. >you have to pause
  5389. >you can't seem to get enough breath
  5390. >even as he's grinning, Collishaw Cueball's brow furrows
  5391. >"Like what?"
  5392. "Like..."
  5393. >your adversary is roaring at you now
  5394. >"Tell me! What did I make like, Nonermous?"
  5395. >your teeth grit
  5396. >Truth Virey tries to intervene
  5397. >"This ain't gentlecoltly conduct, either of you! Take your last shot an' be done with it!"
  5398. >you're gripping the gun so tightly that it hurts
  5399. "You made like I'd insulted you."
  5400. >you'll spend a lot of time reflecting on this moment in the future
  5401. >and eventually you'll conclude...
  5402. >this was exactly what he'd wanted to hear
  5403. >"Insulted me?"
  5404. >the crooked sherif's grin splits open like a zit
  5405. >"Nonermous Faggot, you could ''never'' insult me."
  5406. >you don't bother advancing to the barrier
  5407. >you aim your revolver straight for Collishaw Cueball's black heart
  5408. >CRACK
  5409.  
  5410. >for a moment, the smug grin is wiped off of Cueball's face
  5411. >a spider-web of cracks sits in a wall of glowing crystal
  5412. >the hole from which the cracks extend is proof that your aim was true
  5413. >and that your heart was murderous
  5414. >but Collishshaw Cueball stands unharmed behind the wall
  5415. >and now that the moment of shock has worn off
  5416. >he's laughing
  5417. >the face of Sombra looms large within the crystal wall
  5418. >and when you see him
  5419. >the gun falls from your hand
  5420. >his eyes are full to the brim
  5421. >with an unutterable...
  5422. >sadness?
  5423. >you don't have time to tell for sure
  5424. >Apple Fritter appears before the barrier
  5425. >her eyes glistening with angry tears
  5426. >her mane swept aloft by a magical breeze
  5427. >the Peg-Horn of Darkstar in her mouth
  5428. >she swishes the artifact once
  5429. >the sand beneath your feet is no more
  5430. >and when the desert starts sliding by you
  5431. >that's when you realize
  5432. >Apple Fritter just teleported you onboard the first train out of Picacholt
  5433.  
  5434. One Last Post: You Sure Can
  5435.  
  5436. >well shit
  5437. >eventually, your heartbeat becomes a little less like a jackhammer
  5438. >you wipe the sweat off your brow
  5439. >and take a seat in the empty train car
  5440. >wait
  5441. >empty?
  5442. >"Hello, Anon!"
  5443. >Razzie greets you from the seat next to yours
  5444. "Hey, you. Were you waiting for me here?"
  5445. >"Um, Miss Apple Fritter told me I was going to stay with her, but then I told her I would be sad if you left, and then I was here."
  5446. >you take your hand and rub it on her head
  5447. >the filly lets out a sigh and presses into the headpat
  5448. >it's as therapeutic for you as it is for her
  5449. "Well it's a good thing you're here. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next. Can you help me figure it out?"
  5450. >"I'll help you, Anon."
  5451. "Well, I've got a house up in Ponyville. I could go back there and you could stay with me."
  5452. >you can tell Razzie is paying attention
  5453. >but you're not really sparking her interest
  5454. "You'd go to school, make friends, get your cutie mark, get a boyfriend-"
  5455. >"A what?"
  5456. "Never you mind that. We'll talk about it in thirty years or so.
  5457. >you quiet the inquisitive filly with another headpat before she can ask any more questions
  5458. "The point is, we'd have normal lives there. I was friends with the princess up there, too, so that's... I dunno, something."
  5459. >was
  5460. >why did you say "was"?
  5461. >Razzie cocks her head
  5462. >"That sounds interesting."
  5463. "Yeah? Well that was option one. This is option two."
  5464. >you take the heart-shaped locket out of your pocket
  5465. >open it
  5466. >and hand it to Raspberry Heaven
  5467. >now this has her interested
  5468. >"Who is she?"
  5469. "Your big sister. Your mother gave me that, before she... you know."
  5470. >"My big sister? Like those bones on the mountain?"
  5471. "No! No. I hope not, anyway. No. She's a normal big sister, as in, a normal pony, who isn't a pile of bones."
  5472. >"How do you know?"
  5473. "I think I met her, a little over a year ago. She seemed mostly normal to me. Had all her skin, at least."
  5474. >Razzie looks at the locket
  5475. >then at you
  5476. >then back at the locket
  5477. >"So, option two is... I stay with my sister?"
  5478. "Well, that's just the thing. I don't know where she is now. So option two is we keep on wandering, and maybe we find her."
  5479. >Razzie spends a few minutes bombarding you with questions about Amber Ember
  5480. >"Is she nice?"
  5481. >"Will she like me?"
  5482. >stuff like that
  5483. >thankfully, the sight of Amber playing with those foals in the hospital makes up like 80% of your impression of her
  5484. >so you can honestly give Razzie all positive answers
  5485. >and the more you tell her
  5486. >the more she smiles
  5487. >at last, she arrives at her decision
  5488. >"I think I want option two."
  5489. >your fingers work their way behind Razzie's ear
  5490. "Are you absolutely sure about that? This wandering life is hard, you know. It's real easy to get hurt out here."
  5491. >the thoughtful little filly considers this for a moment
  5492. >but only a moment
  5493. >"But you can get hurt at home, too."
  5494. >the words make your neck prickle
  5495. >Twilight Sparkle is whispering in your ear again:
  5496. >"It didn't really mean anything."
  5497. "That's true, Razzie."
  5498. >you shoo the imaginary Twilight off of your shoulder
  5499. "You sure can."
  5500.  
  5501. THE END
  5502.  
  5503. Thanks for reading. The Anonymous Faggot saga might not be the best thing I've ever written, but it was definitely the passion project I cared the most about. I always meant to write more, but for the foreseeable future the main story ends here. There are, however, two indirect sequels. "The Caretaker" and "Applied Magics: A Tale of /cyber/pone/", both of which can be found here in my account.
  5504.  
  5505. Sic Semper Autisticus,
  5506. Writefag_Roulette
  5507.  
  5508. UPDATE 9/28/23: FUCKING disregard what I said above about this being the end of the story. The third story is written. Just need to get it edited and then it goes up. Planning on just dumping it on ponepaste since /gtpone/ kind of doesn't exist anymore. It's also a lot shorter than the first two stories. It's not so much the final part of a trilogy as it is the final act of the overarching narrative. I know there's a maximum of like five people who might give a shit, but the finale of this autistic monstrosity that took me almost eight years to finish is going up SOON.
  5509.  
  5510. UPDATE 10/1/23: It's up: https://ponepaste.org/9354

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