Legend of the Wandering Autist

 

You can skip the introduction if you remember the gist of Anon Tried to Kill Himself. This is the sequel to that story, which can be found here: https://ponepaste.org/3653

 

If you haven't read the first story, and you don't want to read it, here's a quick rundown. If you haven't read the first story but do want to read it, the quick rundown contains spoilers.

 

And here's the quick rundown of the first story:

>you are Anonymous Faggot, a NEET living in a tiny apartment who hasn't spoken to another person in months

>one day you go to bed at seven in the morning as always

>and the next day you wake up in a world of talking ponies

>though really they look more like bug-eyed llamas to you

>the local pink party pony throws a welcome party for you

>but you soon retreat to a yurt on the edge of the woods

>a year goes by almost totally without interaction with these strange talking horses

>finally you decide it's time to quit

>you're in the middle of doing the rope dance when the purple princess pony decides to pay you a visit

>next thing you know, you're living in a hideous crystal tree-castle

>even worse, you're now Twilight Sparkle's glorified slave until she's convinced you won't try to off yourself again

>over the course of the next week, she makes you socialize with her friends

>Pinkie Pie, whose party peer pressure drives you to do some things you don't remember

>Rarity, who fails to get you to relax

>Fluttershy, who's nice enough but ends up being largely unapproachable

>Rainbow Dash, the first pony to successfully make a crack in your shell

>and Applejack, who seems to see into your soul and seems to see something you don't want to be seen

>in spite of your generally shitty attitude about pretty much everything, you do manage to establish a somewhat friendly-ish relationship with Twilight

>finally, a magic table decides that you need to go to the Crystal Empire with Twilight

>Twilight believes that this is because you need to help a low-functioning autist named Sombra adjust to society

>you end up being very uncooperative

>so does Sombra

>this culminates in a fight in the middle of the night

>tl;dr you end up bitch slapping Twilight and she sends you away to a mental hospital

>while you're there a pony named Amber Ember attempts to make friends with you, but shortly checks out of the hospital

>you're forced to escape the hospital when Sombra takes over Equestria

>eventually you're reunited with Twilight in prison

>with the power of hugs, she extracts enough friendship out of you to summon her friends and break out of prison

>you confront Sombra, and you feel like you're about to make a breakthrough, both in him and in yourself

>but Spike imprisons Sombra in a crystal shard

>the day is saved, and Twilight gives you your freedom, but somehow it doesn't feel quite right

>we pick up a year later

>over the past year, you've grown somewhat close with Twilight, who is currently cuddled up with you on your couch

>Twilight has just invited you to come move back into the castle with her to help her instruct her new friendship student, Starlight Glimmer

 

And here's a TL;DR rundown, for anyone who doesn't want to read the quick rundown:

>be Anon

>be suicidal faggot with a shitty attitude

>purplesmart cures you of shitty attitude

>story picks up the day after season 5 finale

 

ACT I: Anonymous the Human

Part 1: Anon Fucking Hates Sex

 

>"What do you mean, 'Not this shit again'?"

"Well, I just mean that the last time you tried this it didn't work out very well."

>Sombra would probably agree with you

>except for the fact that he hasn't spoken a complete sentence since Spike trapped him in that crystal

>Twilight does that thing that ponies do

>you know, where they scrunch up their noses and make a little scowl

>"Yeah, well…"

>she looks straight up into your eyes

>"I have a good feeling about Starlight. I think she's a lot like me."

"Except, you know, a supervillain."

>"Ex-supervillain. And she feels really bad about it. Honestly, her guilt over it is probably going to be the biggest obstacle to reaching her."

"Didn't she just move in with you yesterday?"

>"You know what I think, Anon?"

>oh geez

>she's smugging at you

"What?"

>"I think you're jealous."

>just look at that snarky little smirk

"Huh? No, I'm not-"

>are you?

>"Anon."

>Twilight sits up on her haunches and sets a hoof on your chest

>were her eyes always this…

>purple?

>"You hold a very special place among my friends. I couldn't replace you any more than I could replace Spike, or Applejack, or any of my other friends."

"Uh. Thanks."

>you don't realize just how close she's gotten to your face til a fucking furnace wind escapes her mouth and sets your lips on fire

>"Let me prove it to you."

>and just like that, there's a damn horse tongue in your mouth

>you're all frozen up til she breaks it off and smiles at you

"H-hey, what's this all about?

>"I wasn't going to say anything, but since it looks like we both need this…"

>hey hang on hold up you don't need anything here

>"It's my time of the year."

"What does that mean?"

>Twilight purples her horn up

>apparently it means you spend the next five minutes engaging in activities that go well beyond the bounds of friendship

>Twilight does a pretty good job of satisfying herself, and pretty soon she's passed out on your couch

>and you're standing there without any pants on

>what the fuck

"Huh. Looks like I'll never be a wizard now."

>funny how something silly like that can sound so sad

 

>Twilight doesn't looks like she'll be waking up any time soon

>you need to get outside

>you locate a t-shirt and a pair of shorts

>and you throw on some shoes

>and you get outside

>and you start running

>you're in much better shape than you were a year ago

>you're probably in better shape than you've ever been in your life

>running was something of an acquired taste for you

>but once you got into it, there really wasn't anything else quite like it

>the nice thing about it was how brainless it was

>your only conscious thoughts are for the cool winds of early spring, the muffled thumping of your own footsteps, and the gradually dimming light of late afternoon

>but on some level beneath your consciousness, an idea is forming

>you still don't really get any of these ponies

>and they still don't really get you

>in spite of Twilight's insistence that you really are her close friend

>in spite of you really being close enough to Twilight for her to turn it into some sort of freaky fucking super weapon last year

>in spite of the thing that just happened

>there is a gulf between you and her, and everyone else in Ponyville for that matter

>words make their way into the forefront of your mind when a somewhat raspy voice shouts at you

>"Hey!"

>Rainbow Dash appears in front of you, doing the scrunchy face thing

>you come to hard stop to avoid running into her

>"What do you think you're doing?"

"Huh? Doing? I'm not doing anyt-"

>"You're going for a run without your workout buddy!"

>oh

>right

>you're in the best shape of your life, and it's largely thanks to the blue pony frowning in front of you now

>Dash's scrunch gives way to a grin as she waves her hoof in front of her nose and laughs

>"How long have you been running, Anon? You reek!"

"Uh, not that long, I think."

>"Not that long? But-"

>she takes in a big whiff

>and frowns

>and trots up closer to you

>and sniffs a few more times

>and she beams a gigantic, toothy smile directly into your soul

>"Oh, you've gotta tell me about this."

"What? Tell you about what? There's nothing to te-"

>"Oh, come on! You smell like I did when I was thirteen and figured out that bathrooms could lock."

"That's gross, Rainbow."

>"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, who was it? Was it that green mare who's always hanging around your house?"

>huh?

>is she still stalking you?

"Yeah, I mean no, it wasn't her. Look, I don't wanna talk about it just yet. Maybe I'll tell you about it later."

>"Tell you what 'Non, go home and take a shower, and meet me at Sugarcube Corner right after. This is great, don't be so weird about it."

>fuck

"Sure."

>Rainbow flits off, leaving you to jog home

>if Twilight has tried to be your mentor in her ideology of friendship

>than Dash has tried to be your tutor in her own brand of "coolness"

>"coolness" has to be in quotes here because Dash actually has some pretty extensive theories on the differences between coolness, awesomeness, and radicalness,

>she'd be displeased to hear you use "coolness" as a blanket term for all three

>Twilight is gone by the time you get back home

>leaving her alone was probably some sort of social faux pas

>whatever

>at least she cleaned up all the sticky shit off the couch before she left

 

Part 2: The Last Cupcake

 

>Dash is already waiting for you when you get to the pastry shop

>fortunately, it looks like she's had the tact to choose a table tucked away in a corner

>and as an added bonus, there's already what looks like two dozen cupcakes sitting on the table

>hey, fuck spending money

>"Anon! There you are! Eat a cupcake! Have another! I spent a lot of money on these things!"

>Dash watches you obediently consume a couple cupcakes while having a few herself

>then the grins start

>"All right, Anon, I wanna know everything. Who was she? Anypony I know? Was it good?"

>Rainbow pauses for a moment

>"Actually, you know what? Just tell me everything like it's one of your jack-off stories."

"I don't write jack-off stories!"

>"Uh-huh, sure. How old did you get before you lost your virginity?"

"Shit damnit Rainbow Dash, I don't write jack-off stories!"

>"Okay, fine, no story. But at least give me a name."

"Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope!"

>"All right, that's cool, you don't kiss and tell, I can respect that."

>Rainbow Dash thoughtfully inhales another cupcake

>"But at least tell me what it was like. Did you like it?"

"Uh..."

>"Uh-huh..."

"Well..."

>"Well..."

"I didn't like it."

>"What?!"

>your eyes become very interested in the table for some reason

"I didn't like it. It was weird."

>"Weird? What, like, freaky stuff?"

"No, fuck, it was normal, I think. It was just... I didn't like it."

>"So, was it bad? Did you not get off or something?"

>you rapidly destroy three more cupcakes before answering

"I mean, I guess you could say it was bad. Like, yeah, I got off, but wasn't like, you know, strong or anything."

>Rainbow nods sagely

>"Yep. That'll do it. Honestly, I was gonna take you to a hooker when I thought you were ready. You should have waited, 'Non."

"What-no-that's not the issue here! I'm, like, I'm freaking out here, man!"

>"Freaking out? Shoot, I told Pinkie I only wanted vodka in the cupcakes!"

"No, not like dru- Wait. You had the cupcakes spiked?"

>"Just the frosting."

>shit fucking damnit

>this isn't even the first time she's gotten you with this

>you grab another cupcake, lick the frosting off of it, and set it back down

>you can't even taste the alcohol, Pinkie Pie is a fucking master at this

"Thanks, Dash."

>"No problem, buddy."

"I'm not freaking out like drugs or anything like that. I'm freaking out like... existentially or something."

>"Exi-what-now?"

"I don't even know."

>"Like you're afraid you got her pregnant or something?"

"Geez, I didn't even think about that. Can you imagine the headlines if I got Twilight Sparkle pregnant?"

>Rainbow Dash gasps

>"You slept with Twilight?!"

>FUCK

>"And it was bad?!"

"No, I mean yes, I mean, shush shush shush shush shush shush! Keep it down, fuck! Oh, hey, Twilight."

>wait a second

>Twilight Sparkle is standing just off to the side of the table

>she's got a cake in her magic

>a pony you don't recognize behind her

>and a silly little smile on her face

"Oh, um, hey there, Twilight. Have you been standing there very long?"

>Twilight drops the cake on the floor without blinking or moving in any way

>then she slides her deadened gaze upon Rainbow Dash

>"Hey, Rainbow. I was just wondering if you could show Starlight around town a little bit tonight? I have some things I need to take care of."

>without waiting for a response, Twilight telepoofs herself out of Sugarcube Corner

>Dash nods sagely

>"Yep. That'll do it."

 

Part 3: Ah, So Long Ago and Far Away

 

>three days of spaced-out solitude are interrupted by a loud banging on your door

>"Mr. 'Nonermous! We need to talk!"

>oh fuck

>it's Applejack

>"Mr. 'Nonermous! I know you know I can bust down this door!"

>fuckcuntering shitdickers

>just hang on a second you fucking apple horse

>in a moment you have the door open

>you clear your disused throat out to warm it up

"Hey there, Applejack. What's up?"

>you're about 99% you already know what's up

>"You need to talk to Twilight."

>yep

>you groan externally

"Why?"

>"Because neither one of you has shown your face outside in days. And I can think of at least two reasons why Twilight really really needs to go outside right now."

"Oh? What's up with her?"

>"Well, first off, her new student is telling me she's having a real hard time finding her way around the castle. It'd be a big help if Twilight could help her find her way around."

"Okay."

>"Also, word on the street is, her brother's wife just had her foal. Twilight's gonna get an invitation to the Crystal Empire any minute now. I don't even think she knows!"

"Oh. Yeah, that's sort of important."

>"Yeah. It is. Come on."

>in a few minutes, Applejack is banging on the door of one ugly castle

>it's Spike who answers it

>"Hey guys. Are you here to see Twilight? Because she hasn't been seeing anyone lately."

>Applejack gives him a grim look

>"She'll see us."

>Spike shrugs

>"If you say so."

>looks like he doesn't know what's going on

>that's good

>you're led up a few flights of stairs before Applejack flings open the door to Twilight's study

>"Twilight! Anon's here to talk to you!"

>you're roughly shoved in through the door

>Applejack slams the door shut, leaving you alone in the room with Twilight

>Twilight looks up from her desk, which is a mess of papers, quills, and inkpots

>"Uh, hi Anon. What did you want to talk about?"

"Twilight, Applejack told me you haven't been outside in three days."

>"What? Has it really been three days?"

>Twilight looks at a long-spent hourglass, and then at a stubby, melted candlestick, and then out the window

>"Gee, I'm sorry if I worried you, Anon. I just got so caught up in writing these friendship lessons for Starlight!"

>she proudly holds some papers up in her magic for you to see

"Oh. So you were just… busy then?"

>Twilight giggles

>"Yeah, I guess so."

"Oh. All right. I thought maybe you were worried about… you know, the other day."

>"The other…? Oh! Oh, that! No. No, don't worry about that, Anon. I was a little embarrassed walking in on you and Rainbow Dash talking, but it's fine now."

"Well, uh, that's good."

>Twilight smiles sheepishly

>"Yeah, I'm sorry, Anon. Like I said, it was my, you know, time of the year, so, uh, don't think about it too hard."

"What exactly is a 'time of the year'?"

>"Hm? Is that not a thing with humanesses?"

"I don't think so, no."

>"Oh, well, basically, It means I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry if I confused you, Anon. I thought I'd be able to handle a quick visit, but, well, you know!"

>she offers another fit of giggles

"Uh, I guess so."

>you reach for the door

>"Uh, listen, Anon. Honestly, I'd appreciate if you could just forget the whole thing. It really didn't mean anything."

"Yeah, no, totally. Forget what? I already forgot it."

>"Thanks, Anon! That's a big weight off my back, really."

"Yup. See you later."

>you slip out the door probably a bit faster than you normally would have

>Applejack is waiting for you

>"Well?"

"She'll be fine. She was just writing lessons for her new student and lost track of the time."

>"Really?"

"Yup."

>Applejack sighs

>"Well that's a relief and a half, Mr. 'Nonermous."

"Yup."

>you say that

>but somehow

>you don't feel relieved at all

 

Part 4: The Plan

 

>you're on your way out of the castle when a purple unicorn who isn't Twilight nervously rounds a corner

>"Oh, hi! You must be Anonymous."

"That's me."

>"My name is Starlight Glimmer, I'm the princess's new pupil. I don't suppose you've seen her anywhere, have you?"

"Yeah, I was just talking to her in her study. She told me she lost track of time writing lessons for you."

>"You realize I haven't seen her in three days, right?"

"Trust me, once you get to know her that sort of thing is perfectly believable."

>"Well, that's good, I guess. I mean, I saw her walk in on you and Rainbow Dash talking-"

>oh

>right

>she was following Twilight around that night

"Oh, no, she doesn't care about that."

>"Um, well, that's good. Uh, anyway, I don't suppose you know where the study is exactly?"

"Yeah, it's um…"

>you turn around and see a twisting corridor lined with identical doors

"Uh, I had Applejack take me th-"

>the orange apple pony has disappeared

"I think it's sort of… upstairs… somewhere."

>a piece of paper telepoofs in front of Starlight's face, and she catches it in her magic

>"Oh, never mind about the study. Princess Twilight wants me to meet her in the library for my first lesson now."

"Well, I'll leave you to that then."

>"You don't know where the library is, do you?"

"I can tell you how to get from Spike's room to the breakfast table."

>Starlight sighs

>"Look, Mr. Anonymous, I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing. The princess told me that she took you under her wing before."

"Yeah."

>"So… I was wondering what it was like. How's the instruction, and all that?"

>oh man

"Well… I think you could call what I had more of a test run than an actual 'instruction' or whatever. She definitely never wrote up formal lessons for me, like I just saw her doing for you."

>"Oh… so… you don't know."

"I guess not."

>"Well, thanks anyway, Anonymous. I'm going to try to find the library now."

"Good luck."

>you get a couple paces away from her when you turn around and almost shout

"It's a school of hard knocks, Glimmer. Sometimes hard feelings too. Twilight's gonna make you do a lot of shit you don't want to do. Like, shit- er, stuff, that makes your chest feel all tight and makes your knees feel all wobbly. You won't want to do it, but you'll know she's right, and she'll know you know she's right, and she'll insist until you do it."

>"Oh. That doesn't sound-"

"You gotta go along with what she says. She knows what she's doing. Twilight never turned me into some kind of friendship wizard, but I think she helped me. She'll help you too. Whatever your issue is, it won't go away, but you'll be able to deal with it."

>"Huh. You really think so?"

"Yeah. Probably."

 

>you're sitting on your front porch, watching the sunset filtered through the nearly-bare branches of a budding tree of some sort

>Applejack had been right

>Twilight did end up getting an invitation to the Crystal Empire

>some sort of crystal pony baptism for her new niece

>she took off in the train this afternoon with her five best friends, her number one assistant, and her new pupil

>you were left behind

>here in Ponyville

>all by yourself

>well that's only natural, of course

>you didn't exactly endear yourself to Twilight's family the last time you went up there

>it'd just be nicer if you'd taken the time to get know some ponies outside of Twilight's circle of friends beforehand

>but you're starting to get a crazy idea

>and this crazy idea is why you're sitting still here, staring at the sky

>Ponyville feels fucking stifling all of the sudden

>but Equestria is a really big place

>what if you just up and left?

 

Part 5: The Escape

 

>it's 2 AM

>fear is gone

>with the help of a little drinking anyway

>you're thinking it's about time to do this

>in fact, it's exactly time to do this

>you're already standing outside the castle

>you've decided that you're not embarking on this adventure alone

>in a quiet little town like Ponyville, even the castle is unlocked at night

>you slip on in

>the breakfast table isn't the only place you can get to in this castle

>there's one more room that you visit on a semi-regular basis here

>and it's through this short corridor here

>and just down this stairwell

>the dungeons beneath the castle have one sole occupant

>and fortunately, it's not a zebra named Rapestripe

>in a manner of speaking, the inmate in question is a rock

>or, more accurately, a crystal

"Hey, buddy!"

>Sombra's face rapidly fills the shard and snarls at you

>"GRAARRRRRRRGGHHH!"

"Sshsshhhhshshshshsh! Do you wanna get out of here or not?"

>"Grar?"

"I don't mean out of the crystal, obviously."

>"GRRRRRRAAAAG!"

"Sshshsssshshshhhhshshssh! Ssh! Ssshhh! Look, you can stay quiet and come with me, or you can stare at these dungeon walls for the next thousand years."

>"G-gragh?"

"We're sneaking out of here, tonight, you and me. We're gonna see the world. The princess has no idea."

>"Ger..."

"All right. Shut up and I'll put you in my bag."

>"Grar!"

"Well I can't exactly be seen stealing possibly the most evil artifact in existence from a princess, now can I?"

>"Grrrrr... rar."

"Good. I'll take you out when the coast is clear."

>you stick the evil crystal king into your saddlebag

>well, it was a saddlebag when you bought it

>when you try to wear it like a backpack, it ends up being some sort of double shoulder-pack

>you throw your wierd bag on your back and head

>honestly, you're not sure why you were so worried about being quiet

>Twilight is in the Crystal Empire right now for her niece's ceremony

>the castle will be completely empty once you leave it

>"Anonymous?"

 

>oh fuck

>it's Starlight Glimmer

"Uh... hey."

>"What are you doing here?"

"Just, you know, picking up some things that I left here."

>"At... two in the morning?"

"Yup."

>fortunately, she shouldn't know her way around the castle well enough to know that you just came up from the dungeons

>"From... the dungeon?"

>fuck shit damn motherfucking cunt nigger bitch whore

"Uh, aren't you in the Crystal Empire right now?"

>that sets something off in her

>you can see her eyes widen and sparkle

>"Oh, no. We came back from that this afternoon. It was great, you were totally right!"

"What was I right about?"

>"About listening to Princess Twilight! I didn't want to go along with it at first but it all worked out really great!"

"Oh. Yeah, good old Twilight usually knows what she's on about."

>"Mhm. The princess wanted me to meet up with an old childhood friend of mine, and now, not only did we totally reconnect, we also saved Equestria!"

"Whoah. You saved Equestria in your very first lesson?"

>she giggles

>"Yeah."

"That's good. You're gonna do really well with Twilight. Uh, anyway, I gotta go now."

>"Where are you going?"

>fuck

>do you tell her?

"Away."

>she cocks her head

>"What do you mean?"

>you sigh

"I mean, away. Like, out of town. I don't know. I just need to go somewhere."

>"Uh..."

"Look. Can you do me a big favor and just... not tell Twilight you saw me?"

>"Why?"

"Geez, Starlight, just... please don't."

>"Anonymous..."

"Okay, look. I'm not doing well here. In Ponyville, I mean. I just need some space. If Twilight catches me before I go, she's gonna talk me out of it, and I'm just gonna keep... keep ''suffocating'' here. I don't know. I might come back, once my head is sorted out."

>"You're not doing well? I don't understand. You said Princess Twilight helped you."

"She did. She saved my life. Thanks to her, I'll probably never try to kill myself ever again."

>"You... what?!"

"Yeah. Like I said, she helped me out. She helped me out a lot. But this whole friendship thing... I still don't get it. I can't handle it. Or maybe I just can't handle it with Twilight Sparkle looming over me, I don't know."

>Starlight tenatively reaches out at you with her hoof

>"Have you tried... talking to Princess Twilight about it?"

"I can't! I just can't."

>"You know, that's how I felt about talking to my old friend earlier today. Or, yesterday, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, it worked for me."

"I don't think it's the same."

>"Because of... what happened the other day?"

>geez

>on Earth, this horse would have found a better calling as a counselor than a dictator

"Yes... no, yes. Yeah. Because of what happened the other day. Among other things."

>"But you said everything was fine, regarding... that."

"No, I said Twilight was fine. That doesn't mean... look, I'm not fine. I'm leaving now. Don't tell Twilight."

>you briskly make your way to the door

>but she calls out

>"Are you sure that's what you really want?"

>you pause, halfway out the door

"Yeah, that's what I want. Look, Starlight, you remind me of Twilight in a lot of ways. I'm sure you've got a bright future with her. Don't waste any time looking for some monster who's off crying in the middle of nowhere."

>"I don't think Princess Twilight would just let a hurt friend run off like this."

"Yeah, well, here's a lesson Princess Twilight will never teach you: sometimes you need to leave your friends alone."

 

>well

>you begin walking toward the train station

>that's finally over

>thank fuck Twilight didn't wake up

>you just hope Starlight listens to you and doesn't tell Twilight about this

>with any luck, it'll be a good couple days before anyone even notices you're gone

>all you ever did for bits was little odd jobs that six foot bipeds with hands were well-suited to

>lots of dusting up in those hard-to-reach corners

>and popping open pickle jars

>anyway, it's not like you had anything like regular working hours, so there won't be any nasty surprises for anyone in the morning

>unless someone realizes Sombra is gone

>fuck

>why did you think it was a good idea to steal him again?

>it's too late to put him back now of course

>anyway, even if Starlight does tell Twilight about what happened, you still have one ironclad defense against discovery:

>you never told her where you were going

>actually, where are you going?

>fuck, are there even any trains at the station at this time of night?

>geez, you'd feel like such a faggot if you were still in town in the morning after the conversation you just had with Twilight's new star pupil

>the station comes into view

>and thank fuck

>there's one train there

>you can probably make it if you run

>you make it into the station just as a conductor pony with massive sideburns calls out "All aboard!"

>without bothering to check where the train is headed, you jog onboard and take a seat

>you've got a nice, big, empty car to yourself

>perfect

>in a moment an attendant comes by to collect the train fare

>you hand him some bits from your bag

>and you drift off to sleep

 

ACT II: Stairs of Salt-Licks

Part 1: So is This a Western Now?

 

>a sound like hissing coaxes you to wakefulness

>you seem to be on some sort of trail

>outside the windows you can see an arid, desert wasteland sliding by at a slowing pace

>oh shit

>you really did it now, huh?

>the door to your cabin slides open

>the conductor pony walks

>"Sir, we are now reaching our last stop. I'm afraid you'll have to get off here."

"Yeah, okay. Uh, where are we right now?"

>"We're headed toward Picacholt, the westernmost town in Equestria."

"Huh. I've never been out west before. You know anything about this place?"

>"Not so much about the Picacho, sir, but I know a little bit about the area from when I tried my hoof at prospecting up in Marenberg."

>he points at a muddy river flowing across the landscape

>"You follow that river upstream from here maybe a day or so, that's where Marenberg is. And no. prospecting isn't very good in case you were wondering."

>he points out another window

>"Out a bit east you'll find Appleoosa. It's a fairly new town, and they're still having a few spats with buffalo folk. And out a bit northeast is Dodge Junction. Real good folk there. Real good cherry farming too."

>finally, he gestures at the window behind you

>"And way down south, sir, is Kluge City. Kluge isn't part of Equestria. I'd stay away if I were you. From what I've heard it's full of monsters. Er, no offense."

>huh?

>oh, right

>you're not the dominant species in this world

"None taken."

>hissing turns to screeching

>the train is slowing very quickly now

>there's a little town made of simple wooden buildings outside

>"Well, sir, this is your stop. Good luck in those gold fields!"

>the train stops

>you step onto the platform and are greeted with an ornery look from an elderly loafer with a bottle in his hoof

>fuck man

>you really don't have any sort of plan at all, do you?

 

>the town is full of sand and wooden buildings and ponies with cowboy hats

>you do receive a good deal of funny looks

>considering what the conductor pony said about the town full of monsters not too far from here, you're probably not the first unidentifiable creature these ponies have seen

>considering the glares you're getting, they probably haven't had a lot of good experiences with unidentifiable creatures

>you spot a building with the word "HOTEL" written on it in horse hieroglyphics and start heading toward it

>you figure the first thing you want to do is establish a "home base" you can go to while you figure out what to do

>also, Sombra probably wants out of your bag now

>but before you can make it inside, the big stallions block your path

>well, big by little pony standards anyway

>these guys look like trouble

>you can tell because their cowboy hats are black

>the one in the middle, a fellow with a splotchy beige-and-brown coat and a big black mustache, speaks up first

>"We don't cotton to freaks 'round these parts."

>all right, Anon

>act cool

"Huh? Cotton? Nope, uh, no, no need for, uh, cottonning."

>damnit

>act cooler

>"You makin' fun of me?"

"No, no way, man. I'm just a, uh, traveler. Just passing through on my, you know, travels."

>"Oh yeah?"

"Yep."

>"Why don't you travel your face into my hoof?"

"What?"

>"Taste the pain!"

>before you know it, the pony before you has whirled around and is bucking his back hooves at you

>you jump back and raise your hands

>one of the hooves lands in your hand

>your arm jerks violently at this, sending the evil cowboy pony tumbling to the ground

>his henchponies are bristling

>"You durned monster! You knocked down our pard!"

"Now hang on a minute, it was an accident I-"

>while the first henchpony was coming up in front of you, the second one apparently snuck up from behind

>you trip over this second henchpony backing away from the first

>the fallen henchpony lies dazed under your weight

>your last opponent rears up over you and comes down as hard as he can

>instinctively, your arms come up and take the brunt of the impact

>and it hurts

>your arms flail about, throwing the henchpony off of you and into the wall of the hotel

>you scramble to your feel, hyperventilating and looking around rapidly

>your panic is cut short by a hoof poking your leg

>a yellow mare with a green mane is smiling slyly up at you with green eyes

>"You look like you need a bed and some work, mister."

"Uh, yeah. I guess so."

>"You know, we usually don't like monsters 'round these parts, but if you promise to stand up to Piebald and his thugs like that every time they bother you, I'll let you come be a hand on my farm."

"Who?"

>the mare rolls her eyes

>"The bad guys you just beat up."

"What? Beat up? I just… oh."

>seeing the three groaning desperados on the ground, it does in fact seem that you have beaten them up

>advantages of being a six-foot biped who's spent the past year working out with one of Equestria's top athletes you suppose

>that and being a fucking awkward klutz

"Uh, yeah, sure. I can do that."

>"Sounds good. I'm sure my brother'll let you work for us after he hears what you did here. My name's Apple Fritter, by the way."

"I'm Anonymous."

 

Part 2: Stallion's Work

 

>Apple Fritter smirks

>"I know."

"What?"

>"I go up to Ponyville all the time, Mr. Nonermous. I dunno if you've noticed, but you're kinda hard to miss."

"Well, yeah, I guess."

>"Come walk with me, Mr. Nonermous. We'll see if we can't start puttin' bits in your pocket today."

"Sounds like a scam."

>"Ain't no scam, just good hard work."

>the two of you make your way through Picacholt

>folks roll their eyes and shake their heads when they see you

>it's better than ornery glares you guess

>why does she keep bumping into your legs?

>"So, Mr. Nonermous, what brings you from Ponyville to our little corner of the country?"

"Just seeing the world, I guess."

>"Oh? Not here looking for gold?"

"I wasn't planning on it. Is there a lot of gold in this area? The conductor on the train was talking about it too."

>"Not so much anymore. Or at least, there ain't hardly no ponies looking for it anymore. The river here was popular with panners, but all it's good for now is watering my apple trees. I think there were a few mines in the plains outside of town when I was little, but I don't hear about those anymore."

"Huh."

>"'Course, we let farmhands go panning in the part of the river on our property for free. There's probably a few flecks still floating around."

"Nice benefits. How's your dental plan?"

>"We'll knock you out with a shovel and use a little hoof-drill to fix any cavities you get."

"Whoah, geez, really?"

>Apple Fritter scoffs

>"No. Who ever heard of dentists in the wild west?"

"Now that you mention it, I guess I sure haven't."

>you're stepping into a field lined with rows and rows of apple trees

>"Here we are. Hi, Dismule!"

>a magnanimous-looking mule waves at Apple Fritter from under the bushel of apples on his back

>Apple Fritter whispers confidentially to you

>"That's Dismule. Mind that you don't call him a mule, 'cause he's a burro. That's 'donkey' for eastern folks like yourself."

>ah

>a magnanimous-looking burro waves at Apple Fritter, then

>"Oh, and there's Jonagold outside the barn right now."

>a big stallion the same colors as Apple Fritter is bucking an apple tree, the same way you've seen Applejack do

>Apple Fritter hollers and waves at him

>you can hear his exhasperated groan from yards away

>he makes his way over

>"Apple Fritter, what's this?"

>"Big brother, meet Anonymous. He wants to work on our farm."

>Jonagold sighs

>"You know I don't like monsters on the farm Apple Fritter."

>"He's from Ponyville, not Kluge. I don't think he's actually monster-folk. Besides, he already beat up Piebald for me."

>the change in Jonagold is pretty sudden

>really, he goes from "annoyed older brother" to "friendly country bro" just like that

>"Is that right? You whipped Piebald?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

>it's true

>but he doesn't need to know how exactly you pulled that off

>"Shoot. Well…"

>Apple Fritter is giving her brother a wide, toothy smile and nodding

>Jonagold shakes his head

>"Well all right. Those claws of yours look like they'd be pretty good with a quill. I could always use an accountant."

>hold the fuck up

>did he just say 'accountant'?

 

"Uh, accountant?"

>"Yeah. You know, the feller who does the paperwork and the mathematics and all that."

"I know what it is, I just…"

>"What?"

"It doesn't really feel like the kind of job you apply for at a farm in the wild west."

>"Oh? Hoping for some stallion's work then, huh?"

"Yeah… Yeah. I think I was hoping for some stallion's work."

>or 'man's work', considering your species

>but now's not the time for autism

>"Well, you came from Ponyville, right?"

"Yeah."

>"And where were you before that?"

>that's always a complicated question for you to answer

>assuming that Twilight's theories of distant planets and alternate realities aren't what Jonagold wants to hear, the best way to word it is probably…

"Well, it was a city, I guess."

>"Wasn't Kluge, was it?"

"No. Never been there. Never even heard of it before today."

>"Well, working in the desert is gonna be a lot harder than anything you've ever done before. I don't know if-"

"I'll be fine."

>"Well, there is one job that needs doing."

>Apple Fritter whines

>"Jonagold, why you always gotta-"

>"Quiet you. Go buck some apples or something."

>Apple Fritter sighs and trots off

>you're really not sure what's going on

 

>down by the river

>there is what appears to be an old-fashioned well pump

>except instead of a well, it seems to draw from the river

>and instead of pouring the water out of a spigot, the pump is connected to pipes which go under the sand

>the big heavy cast-iron handle looks about normal though

>"Well, Nonermous, this is the job. This here pump fills up ditches near the apple trees with water from the river. If you're up for it, I could use a body to pump this thing til sunset."

"Uh, yeah, I can do that."

>"You sure? It's a tough job."

"That should be fine."

>"Last feller we had on the pump went and keeled over. He's in a hospital up in Marenberg right now."

>is the sun just a little bit hotter?

>or is that just the desert?

>damnit, you didn't get to where you are in life by pussying out

>though to be fair, you're not exactly feeling like a success story right now

"W-well, uh, it's gotta be done, or no apples, right?"

>"That's a good attitude, Nonermous. Why don't you give her a few pumps, just to see how you like it?"

>the iron is hot

>it goes down with some moderate effort

>it comes back up easier

>"Yeah, that's it. Build a little speed up, it'll be easier that way."

>the resistance does indeed feel lessened when you quicken the pace

>"That's good, I can hear the water going through the pipes right now. How do you like that?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I think I can do this."

>"Good, good. I'll be back to check on you at sunset. If you get a little hot, feel free to use a little water from the river."

 

Part 3: Down by the River

 

>the sun is low in the sky

>you're pretty sure you're going to die if you spend five more minutes working this pump

>fortunately, you've spent the past two minutes watching Apple Fritter casually make her way toward the river

>she looks about two seconds away from smugging at you

>and that should help you get through these next twenty minutes or so before the sun finishes setting

>"Hey, Mr. Nonermous."

"Yup."

>"How are you still working that thing?"

"Dunno."

>"My big brother told me to go check on you. Said if you were still pumping I could keep you."

"Neat."

>"You wanna stop?"

"I really fucking wanna stop."

>"Go ahead."

>the sound you make is something like a zombie getting assraped and enjoying it way too much

>you fall to your knees

>Apple Fritter's perpetual smirk falters and fails for the first time in the whole afternoon since you met her

>it'll be a couple of hours before you realize that her little frown is pretty cute

>you're just too tired to make that kind of judgement right now

>Apple Fritter dips her foreleg into the muddy water and carresses your forehead with her wet pony fuzz

>"Sun above, Mr. Nonermous, you're hot!"

"Yeah. It's pretty hot out."

>"Why didn't you just take off all those clothes?"

"Not really appropriate for my species."

>the smirk is back

>"You ain't among your kind."

"I'd probably get sunburned."

>she does the scrunchy thing

>but with a smile instead of a frown

>this is the first time you've ever seen that

>"Sun's about to go down."

>seriously

>you're actually not going to realize what she's doing til the middle of the night tonight

>it won't keep you up or anything because you're really fucking tired

>but you're going to be really uncomfortable for about a minute

>but for now

"Eh."

>"Well at least take off that shirt. And lay down, here, right by the river. I'll splash some water on you."

"That sounds nice."

>you remember how it took you the better part of six months to get Rarity to make something resembling a t-shirt for you

>it was a big improvement over the goofy, puffy pirate shirts she gave you when you first arrived

>you're not normally one to knock free shit

>but the "plain tax" Rarity made you pay in addition to the price of the materials in labor was well worth it

>especially today

>but the shirt comes off and gets flung somewhere in the sand

>and you obediently lay your head at Apple Fritter's hooves

>Apple Fritter's ever-present smirk goes away again

>and there's a gentle little smile instead

>she lays down on her belly by your head

>dunks her foreleg into the water

>and pushes a cool wave of water over your body

>an involuntary noise escapes your lips

>Apple Fritter harrumphs

>but in a nice way

>"Like that?"

"Yup."

>"Have another."

>and another wave comes

>and another

>and another

>eventually the task of a complete sentence seems easy enough

"Hey Apple Fritter."

>"Mm hm."

"I've been wondering, didn't you say there's gold in this river?"

>"Yeah, there's a little. Why, thinking of trying out panning?"

"No. No, that's not it. It's just, isn't gold poisonous?"

>"Oh yeah. Nothing poisons a nice colt's mind or heart more than lusting for gold."

>geez

>she took a darker interpretation of that than you intended

"Yeah, there's that, but I mean, like, to eat."

>"Oh. Yeah, that's true too. What about it?"

"Is it okay to be watering apple trees with it?"

>Apple Fritter blinks

>"I dunno. Not really a problem either way though."

>she dunks her hoof in the water and reaches around

>when it comes back up, it's holding a simple wire mesh coated with sediment

>"We got a filter so the pump don't get clogged."

"Oh. That's probably wise."

>"Yep. It can be fun too."

"Oh?"

>Apple Fritter brushes the caked dirt off of the filter and grins

>"Mm hm. Because sometimes…"

>she gently pokes at something with the tip of her hoof

>"You get lucky."

>and wipes it off on your chest

>there you see a little dot of sparkling metal

>"Keep that. It's compensation."

"Don't I get paid for this in bits?"

>"Not for the work. For Jonagold messing with you."

"Messing with me?"

>"He does this to every boy I take home."

>no, really

>this statement won't mean anything to you for a number of hours

"Does what?"

>"See that wheel turning in the water over there?"

"Yeah."

>"That's something my pa thought up when I was little."

"I was kind of wondering what it was for."

>"I don't even know how he got it disconnected before you got here. Must have signaled to one of his pards or something."

"What does it do, Apple Fritter."

>"There's a little pole, we stick one end on the wheel and the other end on the pump handle."

"Oh geez."

>"It pumps the water all by itself."

>you groan

>"If it makes you feel any better, you're the first boy to pass his test. He'll probably hook it back up tomorrow and have you do something else."

>you sigh

"Well, that's good, I guess."

 

Part 4: Daily Life of Cowponies

 

>the next morning seems to confirm that you have in fact been shit-tested

>Jonagold stops you outside of the workers' barracks in the morning

>"Hey there, Nonermous, I got good news for ya."

"Yeah?"

>"I got the water wheel working."

"Oh? What's that mean?"

>Jonagold chuckles

>"It means ya ain't gotta pump water no more. I got a better job for ya if you're interested."

"I'm interested."

>"I been thinking about those claws of yours. What with you being so tall, I figured we could put em to good use."

"Not quills?"

>"No, no, not quills. That was just me funning with you, Nonermous. I got stallion's work for ya! Er, uh, monster's- no, wait, you're not really monster-folk. What exactly are you, again?"

"We call ourselves humans."

>"'Human', huh? Ain't never heard of it, but I reckon y'all have a word for the male-types."

"Yeah, uh, that'd be 'man'."

>"Aw, this is gonna sound great. Then it's man's work I got for ya, Mr. Nonermous. 'Cause us pony-folk don't have those claws like you do."

>Jonagold takes you to a grove on the far side of the orchard

>"There! These, Mr. Nonermous, are the finest apples on the farm. Can't you just see the quality already?"

"Well, no."

>"Heh, you will. All the other apples in these orchards are gonna get bucked outta their trees. They'll end up on the ground, all bruised up and dirty. But not these ones. You're gonna pick these ones with your claws, and gently place em in that there basket Dismule is carrying."

>whoah

>where did he come from?

>the magnanimous burro waves at you

>"Mornin'"

>Jonagold grins

>"And then I'll sell em for twice the price."

>Jonagold swings his hat and does a little cowboy yell, and then trots off to leave you to your job

>and for the next couple weeks

>that's what you do, from sunup to sundown

 

>it's nightfall

>you've been meaning to do this

>but the workers' barracks is just too crowded

>this is a matter of some privacy

>no, you're not going to masturbate, faggot

>with your bag, you make your way into the grove you and Dismule are working on

>at this time of night, you're completely alone, and completely hidden

>you take it out of the bag

>or, him, technically

>Sombra growls as soon as you take him out of the bag

>"GRRRAAAARRGGHHH! TWO DAYS IN BAG!"

"Yeah, I know, I know. Look, man, I'm not really in a situation where I can just have you out in the open most of the time."

>you explain what the deal is to Sombra

>the wild west

>the fight outside the hotel

>the apple farm

>the workers' barracks you're sharing with about a dozen other farmhands

>Sombra grumbles

>"Get hotel room."

"You know that costs money, right?"

>"How much you make?"

"About twelve bits every day. Why?"

>and then you're horrified

>the crystal glows blood red, and a window through space appears in the air

>it's showing you a sign on the local hotel, detailing prices

>and then it closes

>"Room is 12 bits per night."

"Holy shitniggers, you can still do magic?"

>Sombra grunts to the affirmative

>"But no hurt you. Have tried."

"Gee, that's good I guess."

>"Get hotel room. 12 bits."

"Fuck, man, that's my whole wage. What am I gonna do for food? Or to save up for when I leave this place?"

>"Gold quartz outside of town. Can smell from here."

"Is that the same thing as gold? Apple Fritter told me there wasn't much gold in these parts anymore."

>Sombra glares at you

>"Is quartz... with gold in. I know crystal, I smell lots."

"I don't know the first thing about mining for gold, you know."

>"No more bag!"

>fuck

>it'd be a pretty dick move to get him trapped in that crystal, and then trap the crystal in a bag too

"All right, all right, I'll get a room tomorrow."

 

>Apple Fritter has elected to come with you to pick out your room

>"You ain't got enough sense to head out into town on your own, Mr. Nonermous. You need me."

"How could you possibly know that? I've only been here for like two and a half days."

>"Mare's intuition. Also, you've only been here for like two and a half days."

"How hard could it possibly be?"

>"Hey, Apple Fritter!"

>Apple Fitter reflexively sticks her snoot way up in the air

>"Speak of the devil..."

>it's Piebald

>"Apple Fritter! Are you still keeping that monster around? You could do better than that!"

>Apple Fritter's response consists solely of a haughty harrumph

>Piebald growls

>"Hey you monster! What are you still doingt in my town? I thought I drove you out!"

"Why would you think that?"

>"Cause I whupped your hide, that's why!"

"But that isn't what happened at all."

>"Oh yeah? You wannna rematch?"

"I mean, not particularl- whoah!"

>Apple Fritter pushes your butt with her head and marches you away from the evil cowboy pony

>"Yeah, you better run!"

>Apple Fritter briskly leads you into the hotel and glares at you

>"Are you sure you wouldn't just rather live on the farm? Living out in town you're gonna have to deal with that every day."

"Look, I can't live in the barracks. I have... reasons."

>"Is this about your clothes wierdness?"

"Uh... yeah. I'm just not really comfortable getting dressed with everyone around and whatnot."

>Apple Fritter sighs

>"You really oughtta get over that."

>you scratch your head

"Eh, maybe eventually."

>Apple Fritter switches to smug mode

>"I could just let you sleep with me in my room, you know."

"Yeah... no."

>the pony at the check-in desk clears her throat

>"Excuse me, are you two here to rent a room, or not?"

>you pick out a room pretty quickly

>they're all western-themed, so it doesn't make much difference to you

>Apple Fritter insists on staying to chat for a few minutes

>so you ask her what she knows about gold mining

>"Yeah, you're gonna need a little extra change what with this dumb hotel room. Talk to Dismule, far as I know he's the only one in town still looking for gold."

 

>you're up in the tree, picking apples and handing them down to Dismule's basket

"Uh, hey Dismule."

>"Yup?"

"I heard you do a little gold mining. I was wondering if there was anything you could tell me."

>the old burro's ears perk all the way up

>"Sure, I'll tell ya anything you wanna know. Heck, I'll do more'n that. You wanna head out with me after workin' hours is done, I'll show ya!"

 

>"Awright, Noner... Anoner..."

>Dismule scratches his head

>"Hey pard, ya got a nickname or somesuch?"

"Yeah, folks in Ponyville called me Anon."

>"Anawn... Awright. Well Anawn, the sun's looking low in the sky. Seems to me like workin' hours is done. When d'you wanna head outta town to look for a lil gold?"

"I'm ready to go now if you are."

>"No ya ain't. Whar's your canteen? Ya cain't head inna the desert without a canteen."

"Oh, sure, that makes sense. I can run to the general store and get one."

>"Mmm, do that, and get yourself a stick too. Last fella like you that I knew never went outta town without one."

"Hang on. You've met someone else... like me?"

>"Sure I have. I been wandering this wasteland for near forty years now. Ya ain't the first friendly monster-fella I ever met, and the last one I knew always told me that two legs just ain't enough for desert wandering."

"So, did he look like me? Or did he just walk on two legs?"

>"Aw, naw, Anawn. Far as I know, none of you monster-folk look alike. Why? Did ya meet a fella who looked like you down in Kluge once?"

"I've never been to Kluge. I'm not actually a monster."

>"Izzat right? Wal, we'll have to chat a bit out on the plains. But for now, go and get yourself a stick and a canteen, and meet me back here."

>you and Dismule won't end up finding anything tonight

>but the old burro will prove a good and educational companion

>and you'll agree to help him mine again tomorrow night

 

Part 5: The Telegram

 

>it's been five days since you've arrived in Picacholt

>Sombra is watching you finger your first gold nugget

>it's not big

>but if you find something like this on a regular basis you'll eventually have enough bits to...

>well, your meager savings will grow somewhat

>Dismule's dream of travelling the world in luxury and settling down in a castle in Canterlot as the richest burro in Equestria is fairly well-fleshed out

>but it's not really something that you want for yourself

>largely because he's been at this for forty years

>but also...

>it's weird, just a few years ago the idea of being wealthy enough to NEET it up in luxury would have sounded great to you

>maybe the time you've already spent as a NEET had something to do with this change of heart

>even though it was hardly "in luxury"

>but there's also...

>well, the travelling part sounds all right, in theory

>it doesn't need to be in a fancy cruise liner or anything

>but you do have a vague idea of hopping onto a train to some other part of Equestria at some point

>you'll at least need enough bits for securing food and shelter when you get there, as well as enough for another train ticket in case you need to go in a hurry

>you're honestly more or less content in Picacholt for right now though

>you look up when you realize that your door is emitting a mysterious knocking sound

>Sombra gets tossed into a cabinet

>upon opening the door, you realize that the cause of the mysterious knocking sound is none other than Apple Fritter

>she's been here every night since you started staying here

>the yellow apple horse trots in past you

>grabs a bottle of cider out of your fridge

>hops onto your couch

>sprawls out

>and smugs at you

"Gee Fritter, come on in, make yourself at home, want anything to drink?"

>"Aw, thanks, Mr. Nonermous, you big sweetie, you."

>you grab a bottle of cider from the fridge yourself

"Scooch over, I'm sitting down now."

>Apple Fritter dutifully pulls herself up into a sitting position

>but as soon as you sit down, she flings herself across your lap

"Well, Apple Fritter, what brings you here tonight?"

>she takes a big sip from her cider

>from her laying down position, she dribbles a lot of it directly onto your legs

>"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh..."

>she belches loudly and wipes her snoot with her foreleg

>"I'm afraid it ain't a completely social call tonight."

"I get the feeling you would've visited anyway."

>"True. My big brother said if I got to seven nights in a row he'd dye his mane purple."

"Really?"

>"No."

>you groan

>but it was almost a funny joke

"What do you want, Apple Fritter?"

>"Mmmm... I got a telegram from my cousin today."

"Okay."

>"It was about you, Nonermous."

"Huh? Who's your cousin?"

>Fritter glares at you for a second

>then she gives you a blank smile

>"Hi, Mr. Nonermous. My name's ''Apple'' Fritter. I run an ''apple'' farm with my brother. I've seen you before because I visit ''Ponyville'' on the regular."

>suddenly, Apple Fritter's charm is lost on you

>did it just get hotter in here?

>or colder?

"Applejack."

>"Mm-hm."

>oh fuck

>oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

"What did it say?"

>"Oh, it just said to watch out for a big, monster-looking fellow who calls himself "Anonymous", and to let Applejack know if I saw him. I'm pretty sure she sent these out to the whole Apple Family."

"How big is the Apple Family?"

>"We've got a farm or two in pretty much every region in Equestria."

"Oh geez, there's nowhere I can run, is there?"

>"What are you even running from?"

>uh

>that's a tough question to answer

>you suppose there's technically a quick and easy answer to this

>but it really doesn't sound like a big deal when you try to put it into words

>fuck

>is there a cop-out you can use to both evade the question and make her stop wondering?

>you're pretty sure you're sweating now

>is this whole thing just a big overreaction?

>"Lemme guess."

>oh thank fuck

>"I can see it now, Mr. Nonermous. You and Applejack."

"Huh?"

>"It's a barnyard romance."

"No."

>"You find out she's gonna be the mother of your foal!"

"Stop."

>"So you run away to escape the responsibility, but along the way you find yourself!"

>in spite of yourself, you fail to suppress a lone chuckle

>"And in the end you come back just in time to witness the birth of your first child! And then you make sweet love to Applejack, the love of your life! And-"

"Stop! Stop stop stop stop. Can you honestly imagine that? ''Applejack'' getting caught up in moonlight serenades?"

>Fritter giggles

>"Nope. She's way too uptight."

"Yeah she is."

>"Anyway, I had a feeling you wouldn't want me to tell AJ about you, so I didn't show the telegram to Jonagold."

"Holy shit thank you so much."

>"Mmm, that's what friends are for, Mr. Nonermous. But it'll cost you."

"Oh geez. What do you want?"

>Fritter stretches out and yawns

>"I'm gonna spend the night here tonight, Mr. Nonermous."

"Oh, sure. You can take the bed, I'll just use the couch. That's fine."

>"Nope! You're gonna snuggle with me!"

"Wait now hang on a sec-"

>Fritter nuzzles her face into your belly

>"Yep... snuggle..."

>she takes in a deep breath

>and lets it out

>and

>holy fuck

>she's already snoring

>well

>that's okay

>now if you can just wriggle into a lying-down position without waking her up...

 

Part 6: The Salt Lick

 

>"Nonermous! What in the world are you doing up there?"

>you look down from the tree, an apple in one hand and a basket in the other

>Jonagold and Dismule are staring up at you

"Well, I'm working."

>"Working?! On a Sunday?!"

"Uh, am I not supposed to do that?"

>"No you ain't s'posed to work on a Sunday! You're s'posed to relax!"

>Dismule chuckles

>"Din't'cha wonder whar I was, pard?"

"Well, a little bit."

>Jonagold stomps

>"Come down outta that tree! You been working all day? Heck, it's near sunset already!"

>gracelessly, yet painlessly, you fall out of the tree

>"C'mon, Nonermous. Let's get these baskets inna the barn. Then, I'm gonna show you how folks have fun round these parts!"

"How do folks have fun around these parts?"

>"The Salt Lick!"

 

>the Salt Lick, apparently, is a sort of tavern at the peak of the hill that gives Picacholt its name

>and its name, apparently, is derived from what folks go there to do:

>lick salt

>with a few added minerals and spices of course

>they are horses, after all

>Jonagold takes a big lap at the salt block sitting on his plate

>"Awwww, that's real good stuff."

>Dismule is taking noisy bites out of his own salt block

>Jonagold goes in for another lick

>"Yee-ayy-yee! That's a good strong salt lick right there."

>your own salt lick goes untouched

>"Nonermous, ain't ya gonna eat your salt?"

"Yeah, uh, let me just..."

>you take the block into your hands

>and lick it

>and you drop the block

>and scream

>holy fuckcunters, that fucking burns!

>you knew it wasn't going to be pure salt

>but holy shit what is in these things?

>Jonagold chortles

>"Hey now, drink some water, ya big lightweight."

>that you do, and greedily too

>"Why don't you take a break for a little while, Nonermous?"

"Yeah. Sure."

>"Good. Try and keep your composure now, our friends are watching."

>you look in the direction Jonagold is gesturing in

>it's Piebald, talking with some other ponies and pointing at you

"Oh, geez, what does he want now?"

>"Probably just wants to tell his pards what a big dumb monster you are. I doubt if he'll start any trouble tonight."

"You sure?"

>"Yeah. But now's as good a time as any to point out one friend of his in particular for your benefit. You see that fella over there with the big black mustache?"

"Uh huh."

>"That there's Collishaw Cueball, our sherrif, and the only reason Piebald don't get in trouble for all the trouble he causes."

"The sherrif is crooked?"

>"The crookedest."

"That's not good."

>"No, it ain't good. But as long as you work for me, he won't try anything with you."

"What do you mean?"

>"Well shoot, with the gold miners all gone, my apple farm's the only thing keeping this town alive. Cueball knows it, and he knows that I know he knows it. Worst thing I could do to him is pack up and move in with my cousins in Appleoosa, and pretty soon after that there wouldn't be no more Picacholt for our poor sherrif to bully."

"Oh, well that's good."

>"What I'm getting at, Mr. Nonermous, is that I got your back. You ain't gotta worry about Piebald's trouble making keeping you from getting close to my sister."

"Huh?"

>"Well you must have noticed that Piebald is into Apple Fritter by now."

>well

>actually

>you hadn't noticed

>but it sort of makes sense when you think about it

"Uh, sure, but, what made you think I was into Apple Fritter?"

>"Well, shoot, there was the way she dragged you home, the fact that she's gone and visited you every night since you moved into that hotel room, and then there's that she went and stayed the whole night with you yesterday."

"Hey, we didn't, you know-"

>"Naw, it's fine, I don't mind."

"No, I mean, we really didn't... Would you actually be okay with that?"

>"Well, as your pard, I'd warn you that Fritter is a bit of a wildcat, but as her big brother... you're a swell fella, Mr. Nonermous. You're respectful, hard-working, and you can handle yourself in a fight. As long as there's some sorta magic you can use to put full-blooded pony foals in her, I wouldn't mind."

"Jeez, I've only known your sister all of six days. I'm not thinking about 'putting foals' in her yet."

>"Wouldn't be unwise to. Out here in the desert, life can be short. And youth's even shorter."

 

Part 7: Darkstar the Peg-Horned

 

>"You know this water is magic, right?"

"Really?"

>you've been in Picacholt for thirteen days

>on this particular Sunday, you're down at the river

>feet in the water

>and a pretty pony named Apple Fritter laying in the sand beside you

>she's tracing circles in the water with her hoof

>"Sure is."

"Well it's certainly nice water. I don't see what's so magical about it though."

>"Mr. Nonermous, don't you know anything about apples?"

"Are you about to tell me about apples?"

>"I'm about to tell you about apples."

"All right, what about apples?"

>"In most parts of the world, apples only grow in the fall."

"All right."

>"It's spring."

"I'm following you, I promise. So the apples are growing right now because there's magic in the water."

>"Yep. The apples grow year round here in Picacholt. With the gold miners moved on, that's the only way this town could survive now."

"All right. But why is the water magic?"

>"There's a story my daddy used to tell me. A little ways up north of here, this river flows through the mountain lair of an old and famous wizard."

"A wizard?"

>"Darkstar the Peg-Horned. See, a long time ago, there wasn't no law in these parts. I mean, it was worse than it is now."

>"The Princess and her sister hadn't come to Equestria yet, and Equestria hadn't come to the desert yet. They say the three tribes were just starting to come together, way out to the northeast, when this story happened."

>"There were ponies who came to settle here in those days to escape the bad winters caused by the feuding tribes. Here, folks put aside their differences and came together to survive. It was hard living, but to ponies who were sick of freezing, it was good living."

>"But the desert can turn good folks mean, same then as it is now. Darkstar was a powerful unicorn who took to taking what he wanted with his magic. The west's first outlaw."

>"'Cept, one day, he took something he shouldn't have tried to take. He kidnapped a sheriff's daughter. It was a two day walk from that town to his secret mountain lair, and Darkstar thought he'd be just fine when he tied up his prize and went to sleep under the stars that night."

>"But Darkstar didn't know that the filly's daddy the sheriff had been tracking them all day, and when he finally caught up..."

>Apple Fritter stomps her hoof into the sand as hard as she can

>"Wham! He snapped Darkstar's horn clean off. Darkstar woke up and ran off to the mountains. The sheriff untied his daughter and figured he'd seen the last of Darkstar the outlaw, but he was wrong."

>"They say he made a new horn for himself outta stone and nailed it to the base of his old one. Real smart fella, somehow it worked. They say even the Princess never figured out how to copy him."

>"He went crazy after that, and he cast all kinds of weird spells in the mountains. All the towns from those days are gone, except for Somnabula, but Darkstar's magic is still up there, keeping the wild west wild."

"Huh"

>you stroke your chin in thought

"But wouldn't that mean your apples are evil?"

>Apple Fritter pushes you into the river

 

Part 8: Days and Weeks Go By

 

>day 18 in Picacholt

>you and Dismule are done with the grove Jonagold set you to work at

>and now he's set you to work at another

>Apple Fritter is on the ground chatting with you and Dismule

>"Piebald proposed to me again today."

"You say yes?"

>a pair of yellow hooves crashes into the trunk of the tree you're sitting in, very nearly shaking you from your perch

>a number of apples fall to the ground though

"Hey careful now, you'll bruise the apples!"

>"I'll bruise your apple!"

"Geez, why the hate? What's wrong with Piebald?"

>"Beyond that he's ugly and stupid? It ain't really me that he's after."

"Oh?"

>"It's the farm. If Piebald ever got a hold of it it'd be as good as in the hooves of Collishaw Cueball."

"That wouldn't be good."

>"No, it wouldn't. But I'm worried once they figure out their plans to ''woo'' me won't work they'll try something worse."

"Like what?"

>Apple Fritter sighs

>"I dunno."

 

>night 21 in Picacholt

>Dismule came down with a coughing fit after work today

>you decided to take Sombra out on your nightly expedition instead

>he's always talking about all the mineral wealth he can smell out in the plains

>you figure he'll appreciate the night out

>besides, it's only fair that he contributes anyway, since he's the reason you're paying for that hotel room

>you have, of course, acquired your own tools by now, so borrowing from Dismule isn't an issue

>Sombra's nose has taken you pretty far out

>farther than you've ever gone with Dismule anyway

>and finally

"You want me to go into that dark, spooky cave?"

>"Gold quartz inside. Gemstones too"

"At the base of these mountains where an ancient magical outlaw was rumored to have conduncted unnatural sorcery?"

>"Technically, I am ancient magical outlaw who conducted unnatural sorcery."

"Yeah but you're not scary."

>Sombra growls

"Yeah all right I'll go in the freaking cave. You can light up that crystal, right?"

>with a neat little whirr, Sombra's crystal goes on like a lightbulb

"All right, I'm going in. You'd better not steal my kidneys."

>down down into the depths of the earth

>no sooner do you take a twist that obscures the cave entrance than you stumble upon a chamber lined with gems that sparkle in Sombra's crystal-light

"Geez, you weren't kidding."

>"Gold further down."

"That's fine. It's a long walk back to town; I'll just fill up my bag here. Hopefully we'll be back in time to get five hours of sleep."

>you position your rock hammer over the nearest ruby

>Sombra's silence is kind of weirding you out for some reason

"You all right?"

>Sombra grunts

>"Beautiful."

"What, the cave?"

>"Crystals."

>you pause a moment

>"Yeah."

>and you begin your harvest

>but you stoop down to the floor and take the gemstones from the bottom

>there's more than enough on the floor alone to fill up your bag

>and the walls and roof really are just too pretty to maim

>when your bag is about half full, you stop mining for some reason

>you look at the shadow beyond Sombra's light, deeper into the bowels of the earth

"Huh."

>"Hm?"

"Nothing."

 

>still night 21

>soon to be the morning of day 22 though

>as you come into town, a figure waits under a lonely streetlamp

>and by streetlamp, you mean a jar full of lightning bugs sitting on top of a pole

>Equestria is so quaint sometimes

"What are you still doing up this late, Miss Apple Fritter?"

>"Just waiting for my favorite two-legged critter."

"Yeah? Hope he gets here soon."

>"Oh, he just showed up. I'm still trying to think of the best way to tell him something important."

"What's that?"

>"There's a crooked sheriff waiting for him in his home."

>hell

"I was really hoping you had something a little more fun to say."

>"Nope. Wanna go say hello?"

"Don't really have a choice, now do I?"

>"Nope. Got a gun on ya?"

"Huh?"

>"What?"

"There are guns in Equestria?"

>"Uh... yeah?"

>geez

>sometimes Equestria really isn't that quaint

"I didn't know that. I don't have one."

>"Well, let's hope he doesn't shoot us when we get there."

"You're coming?"

>"'Course. I've been waiting long enough, haven't I?"

>surprisingly, Collishaw Cueball isn't waiting for you with an old-fashioned revolver pointed at the door

>he's just plopped down pleasantly on your couch

>it's obvious he's been looking through your stuff

>drawers are open, and your meager supply of clothing is strewn about the floor

>thankfully, the locked chest you keep your gold in is untouched

>"Mr. Nonermous! You're prolly wonderin' what I'm doin' here."

"Uh, yeah, I am."

>"Well, I just got a law enforcement telegram from

Canterlot. You wanna know what it said?"

>you really don't

"What did it say?"

>"It said to be on the lookout for a tall, two-legged critter from Ponyville who calls himself a 'human'. It said he's got a history of mental illness and violence, that he's in possession of a dangerous magical artifact, and that he may be a danger to himself and others."

"Gee, that's interesting."

>"Sure is. Now, I was just wondering what kinda critter it was you reckoned yourself. What exactly are you again, Mr. Nonermous."

"I'm uh... a man."

>"A man! Well shoot, looks like you ain't the fella after all. It's real funny though, because the telegram said this fella's name was 'A-nawn-ni-muss.' I thought for sure it mighta been you."

"Guess not."

>"Guess not! Well, I'm terrible sorry for the inconvenience now, so I guess I'll be on my way. Just remember, if you know anything about this fella, all Canterlot wants is for him to be safely returned to Ponyville, no harm done."

"I'll keep it in mind."

>"And Miss Apple Fritter, if you happen to know anything about this... critter, try not to get too close to him. I'm sure he'll get caught soon."

>with that, the sheriff disappears

>oh

>oh hell

>"Uh, Mr. Nonermous."

"What?"

>"What's this about a dangerous magical artifact?"

"Oh, he's not that dangerous."

>you pull Sombra's crystal out of your bag and show him to Apple Fritter

>he hisses at her

"Fritter, this is Sombra."

>"Sombra? That fella who tried to take over Equestria about a year ago?"

"Yeah."

>"Then you... history of mental illness and violence..."

>Fritter gasps

>"You're the fella who hit Princess Twilight!"

>oh shi-

"Well, yeah."

>Fritter grunts

>"But you made friends with the princess again, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did."

>"But now you stole her magical artifact and ran away with it."

"I guess you could say that's true."

>"But why?"

"Look, there were no crimes or anything. I just, I just don't really know how to talk about that right now."

>Fritter stares

"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"

>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"

>oh

>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm

>Fritter stares

"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"

>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"

>oh

>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm by forcing me to marry him. He really has backed off a lot since you showed up. And besides that I don't him one second when he says he just wants to send you off to Ponyville, 'no harm done'."

>Fritter sighs

>"No. I ain't turning you in, Nonermous. You're my friend, and friends stick together. Just be careful. If Collishaw Cueball ever sees that crystal it'll be all the evidence he needs to get away with whatever he wants."

>oh

>oh thank fuck

"Holy shit thank you so much Apple Fritter."

>"Yeah, don't mention it. I just hope I don't regret it too much later."

 

>night 25 in Picacholt

>you're on the plains with Dismule

>he's still sputtering and coughing quite a bit

>"Aw, don't worry 'bout me none, Anawn. I got just about 'nuff gold now that I'll probly head out any day now."

"Really?"

>"Oh, yeah. I'm probly awready th'richest burro in all a Equestria."

"I'll be sad to see you go, Dismule."

>"Schucks, Anawn, you'll do fine. Me, I'm getting old, and my health's failing. I gotta get outta this desert dust and heat while I still got the chance."

"You know, I always wondered, if you've already got so much gold, why are you still working the apple farm?"

>"Sun above, Anawn! I ain't goin'a blow through my gold while I'm still collecting it! I gots a budget, y'see. I already done gone and calc'lated the expenses of the travel, the castle, and the retirement. I got my gold set aside for it and I ain't goin'a even think about touching it til I'm good and ready to start my dream."

>in the distance, a sound starts low

>from the mountains, the sound starts to grow

>it's an unearthly sort of sound

>like the mountains are moaning

>when the sound grows to an unbearable volume, that's when the wind hits

>the wind is hot

>burning

>like the air has been turned to fire

>you forget your conversation with Dismule

>you forget Dismule, even

>the desert

>the gold in the distance

>the tools on your hip

>all forgotten in that wind

>and when you think you can't take any more of it

>it stops

>in an instant

>and your surroundings come back to you

"What the hell was that?"

>"Furnace winds. Don't normally gettem so early in the year. Ain't even quite May yet. Bad omen."

 

Part 9: Something Worse

 

>night 26 in Picacholt

>Dismule is too sick to go out again

>you were planning on staying in too

>but the clock strikes ten

>and you're restless

>maybe it's because Apple Fritter is visiting family in Ponyville

>even though she did promise not to talk about you

>maybe it's the fact that you've stayed up late every night for almost a month now

>or maybe it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come

>again

>fuck, the last time you felt like this you ended up going to the Crystal Empire

>and that was a shitshow and a half

>you really hope it's just the late night thing

>you grab your toolbag

>you grab Sombra too

>somehow you figure he's safer with you than he is even in your locked chest

>there's that precognisant thing again

>oh man

>well, they won't find any evil magical artifacts in your room tonight

>before you know it your on the plains

>you're far enough from the town that you can't see it anymore when you look around to make sure nobody's watching

>and you pull Sombra out of the bag

"All right bud, you said there was a good vein of gold quartz around here the other day."

>an arrow materializes in the air

>"That way."

>before long you're on the vein, chipping away at it with your rock hammer

>you get lost in your work, you forget to look around

>the chipping makes noise, enough to mask the soft sound of hooves in the sand

>but the hoof in the back of your head

>that gets your attention

>when the stars clear out of your eyes, you find yourself looking into the splotchy face of Piebald the thug

>"Well now, looks like you got a evil magic thingamajigger after all. Cueball'd be right happy to hear about this. He'd get his hooves on the apple farm right nice and easy, and you'd get sent off to get locked up in Ponyville or something."

>"'Course, that's what Cueball wants. Nobody ever asks what Piebald wants. Well what I want is to make Apple Fritter my wife. And Cueball ain't gonna help me get my hooves on Apple Fritter if he gets his hooves on the apple farm first."

>"'Sides that, you been getting too friendly with Apple Fritter for my taste. A stallion's gotta punish a monster who tries to move in on his mare, you know?"

>"Come on, say somethin'! This is your life in the balance, pard!"

>you sincerely try to throw a witty quip at the thug standing over you

>but somehow your brain isn't talking to your mouth right now

>"Can't, huh? Well, looks like it's all up to me then."

>"Tell you what. Far as Collishaw Cueball needs to know, you ran off inna the mountains and took your little crystal with ya."

>"I'll give ya a fair chance now, monster. You wake up and get someplace safe before you fry, you can go on your way. Marenberg is right over those mountains, you can take a train back to Ponyville from there."

>"Just don't come back to Picacholt. My pards'll be waitin' for ya outside of town. You won't be in no shape to fight, understand? That'll be the end of you right quick."

"W... wake up?"

>"Yep. Nighty-night!"

>your vision is filled with hooves

>then stars

>then black

 

ACT III: The Mastermind of Marenberg

Part 1: A Really Shitty Fucking Morning

 

>you're awoken by the exquisite sensation of the open wound on your forehead baking in the desert sun

>holy mother fuck

>shit like this doesn't happen in magic talking pony land

>and it sure as shit doesn't happen to you

>a thug just gave you a concussion so that a crooked sherrif would help him force someone into a marriage with him to get a hold of her land

>and now you're drying out in the desert

>isn't Apple Fritter in Ponyville now?

>what kind of ambush could she walk into when she comes back?

>they're probably going to threaten Jonagold somehow

>maybe they'll just take Jonagold out of the picture altogether

"Maybe Fritter is telling Twilight about this whole fucked up situation right now…"

>"Probably not."

>Sombra's crystal is sitting in the sand a few feet away from you

"You think so?"

>"Apple Fritter promise not give you away. Very proud, not break promise, not bring Twilight here."

"Fuck man."

>a puff of warm wind blows sand into your lacerations

>you ignore it

"So this is all my fault."

>"Pretty much."

>you stand up

>and you take Sombra into your hand

"Well I'm gonna un-fuck it. I'm gonna hop onto the next train to Ponyville, warn Apple Fritter before she comes back, and beg Twilight to use her princess powers or something to make all this right."

>"Over the mountains."

"Over the…? Oh, right, Piebald's thugs are gonna fucking kill me if I go back to Picacholt."

>"Yes."

"And the nearest town is past those mountains."

>"Yes."

"Anything else I should keep in mind?"

>"Thug tell sherrif you're going to mountains."

"Right."

>"So they look for you there. Move fast."

"Oh, that makes sense. Perfect. On the bright side, I don't think it's physically possible for my mouth to get any dryer. Let's go."

 

"Sh… should I stay or should I go now…"

"If I… stay there will be trouble…"

"But… but if I go it will be… double…"

>"Quiet."

"I don't… sing that bad… do I?"

>"Sound dry. And tired. Save breath. Save water."

"Shit man. I am… pretty thirsty."

>you sigh

"Apple Fritter… said the river ran through the mountains… but I don't fuckin see it…"

>"Mountains close."

"Yeah yeah… I don't see any path… where the hell do I climb up?"

>Sombra rumbles

>"Crystal… mineral… rocks…"

>the impassable wall of gravel and boulders before you shifts and uncovers a rough, yet usable trail

"Whoah… I didn't know you cared…"

>Sombra grunts

>"Have been buried for thousand years before. Didn't like."

"Makes sense… Any way you can just make… the whole mountain disappear?"

>"No."

"Figures… But why didn't you… just knock out Piebald with a rock?"

>"Can't cause harm."

"Oh… right… forgot…"

>"Go. Now."

"Yeah yeah… so do you… just not… speak in complete sentences… as a matter of… principle?"

>you've only been on the makeshift magic mountain trail for all of ten seconds when your morning gets a whole lot shittier

>for the second time in twelve hours, your head explodes with pain

>and you fall unconscious

>again

 

Part 2: Wait I Thought This was a Western

 

>you wake up in a bright white room

>oh fuck it's happening again

>you've died

>and you've been reborn into the moment you woke up in Twilight's tree castle hospital wing

>you'll have to do things better this time

>be more honest about your feelings with Twilight

>show more positivity in general

>take Twilight down to Picacholt and have her princess away all the corruption

>you wonder how many chances you'll get to make things right before your death becomes permanent

>no

>wait

>you're being fucking retarded

>you weren't strapped to a cold, metal table last year

>also, Twilight wasn't red

>oh, good

>it seems you've only been kidnapped and imprisoned in some sort of evil laboratory

>what a relief

>your captor is a mare wearing a white labcoat over her red coat

>with an iron-grey mane done up in a bun

>and with horned glasses sitting over eyes lined with deep bags

>she appears very, very old

>she cocks her eyebrow appraisingly

>"Anonymous Faggot. I see that you are awake now."

"I hope I'm not."

>your captor's wrinkled face curls into a frown

>"Ridiculous sentimentality. There is not a single situation in which is better to be unconscious than conscious."

"Even in a situation like this?"

>"Conscious, you may listen to my demands and carry them out, thus getting out of this situation more quickly."

"Oh, demands. Great. Uh, who are you, exactly? And how do you know my name again?"

>"I am Phylum Strata, the greatest mind to have ever lived. And as for how I know your name, there is very little that I do not know, especially regarding those subjects which have become public knowledge through the national news industry."

"Not the most humble heart to have ever lived, are you?"

>"False humility is itself a form of arrogance. My intellectual prowess is nothing to be humble about. Here in these mountains, I have attained a level of scientific knowledge superior even to your own world, to say nothing of Equestria."

>did this bitch just say...?

"How the hell do you know about Earthly science?"

>Phylum Strata pushes her glasses up her snout with a shriveled hoof

>"Upon your arrival in this world two years ago, a magical link between Earth and Equestria was formed. Immediately, I set about learning as much about the place as I cared to. Unfortunately, there was not much to care for, as I had already surpassed Earth's level of scientific and technological achievment."

"So... you know how I got here? You know where Earth is... relative to here?"

>Phylum Strata scowls

>"No. But only because I never had any need for such information. I could certainly find out if I had any logical reason to do so."

>the bespectacled old mare scratches her chin

>"Yes... and more importantly, I could figure out how to send you back. Assuming, of course, that you are fully cooperative with me."

>she looks at you from over her glasses

>"You would like to go home, would you not?"

>whoah

>there's a thought that hasn't crossed your mind in a long while

>would you like to go home?

>well, it doesn't make such a difference to you either way

>you never really enjoyed life on Earth

>but you've only sporadically enjoyed life in Equestria

>and with the things you've learned these past two years or so, you should be able to achieve at least that much enjoyment out of life on Earth if you ever go back

>besides, although you don't have much to go home to, you do have parents

>although you haven't spoken to them since at least a good few months before arriving in Equestria, they've probably found out by now that you've gone missing

>theoretically, that's probably caused them a good deal of distress

>at the very least, they deserve some kind of closure

>furthermore, Earth doesn't have Twilight Sparkle looming over it in a position of immense power

>so...

>there's some business you'd have to wrap up in Equestria before you could go back...

>specifically the debacle in Picacholt

>but...

>if the question is would you like to go back?

"Sure."

>Phylum Strata harrumphs

>"Depressingly sentimental. But beneficial for my purposes, so you will be rewarded."

"Great. But I can't really agree until I know what your demands are."

>"I think you'll find you don't have much choice in the matter. I know about your concerns in Picacholt, and I am holding the imprisoned Sombra hostage. Until my demands are met in full, you will see neither the world outside of my laboratory nor your companion."

>freezing cold ice blasts you from Phylum Strata's eyes

>"And should you foolishly outright refuse to assist me altogether, you will not leave my laboratory alive."

 

>the mad scientist Phylum Strata flicks a switch you can't see

>you didn't realize that your arms were straining upward against their restraints

>but when they come loose, your limbs fly up a few inches by reflex

>"Get up. I mean to show you your duties."

>trying to move, you realize that your clothes are stiff and crackly with the salt of dried sweat

>you'd think that if she was able to somehow rehydrate you while you were out, she might have been able to get you a change of clothes

>in your mind's eye, you see geriatric genius cocking an analytical eyebrow at your cock

>ew, no, never mind, you're glad she left she left you as you are

>you rise to your feet and follow Strata

>as she approaches the exit to the room, it opens automatically

>and you have to admit that it's pretty impressive technology for magic talking pony land

>but she doesn't look at you to see whether or not you're impressed

>instead, she briskly strides into a round room lined with six doors

>she picks one out and approaches it without a change in her pace

>this door's not so automatic

>she holds her face up to a…

>a retina scanner?

>whoah

>that's borderline advanced tech even on Earth

>the door clicks unlocked and slides open

>and inside this next room you see two tables

>on the tables is…

>something

>you don't get the chance to enter the room and see it clearly

>"Mother? Who's your new friend?"

>Phylum Strata wheels around

>she glares at something for a second

>and then

>a mask comes on

>and the cold mad scientist wears a gentle smile

>"My goodness, Raspberry Heaven. How could I have forgotten to introduce him to you?"

>a little red filly stands in the doorway of what looks like a child's bedroom

>she's almost the spitting image of Phylum Strata

>only smaller

>less wrinkled

>a fully black mane

>a more vivid red in her coat

>emotion in her eyes

>"This is your new uncle, Anonymous. He will be helping me with my work for a short while."

>Raspberry Heaven smiles and waves a little hoof at you

>"Hello, Uncle Anonymous!"

"Y-you too."

>Phylum Strata groans

>"Now, Raspberry, us grown-ups are going to work now. Go and play in your room now."

>Raspberry Heaven nods

>"Yes, mother."

>and she disappears behind the automatic sliding door

>Phylum Strata lets the mask fall and assumes her immovable blank stare once more

"So, you have a daughter?"

>"Not in the strictest sense. She is what inhabitants of your world would call a clone."

>whoah

>okay

>the successful cloning of sapient creatures is officially very impressive by any standard

"Huh. I'd expect a clone of you to be a little more… cold."

>"You have known me for all of five minutes and twenty-seven seconds, Anonymous Faggot. Do not presume to know my life's history."

>Phylum Strata adjusts her glasses with a pruny hoof

>"And if by 'cold' you mean 'objective,' I assure you I have a perfectly objective motivation for raising her the way I have. I've found that a bit of sentimentality has a positive effect on the child's health. If she grows older, I shall obliterate all sentimentality from her mind and make her my apprentice."

>wait

"If?"

>"My plans for the future are constantly in flux, Mr. Faggot. Now follow me. I shall demonstrate your duty to you in detail."

 

>"This room shall be your quarters, Anonymous. You are no doubt unaware of this, but quite some time has passed since I had you brought here. Outside of my laboratory, it is now dark. Sleep, and tomorrow we shall get more work done."

>you stumble into a sparse bedroom

>the automatic door slides shut behind you

>holy fuck

>your knees are shaking

>this morning you thought that outlaws acting like a Zane Grey novel was too dark for pony land

>but this

>this is too dark for anywhere

>those tables

>they held two motionless bodies

>not dead, Phylum Strata assured you

>not technically, anyway

>the good doctor had inflicted a sort of chemically-induced stasis upon them

>the older mare, on the left table, she was the one paying for this

>the duchess of somesuch or other

>almost as old as Strata herself

>the younger mare, on the right table

>she was the duchess's daughter

>you'd be surprised how many of Canterlot's nobles aren't what they seem, the good doctor informed you

>this procedure is apparently how this lab is funded

>the good doctor would do it herself, but…

>she's growing too old

>her hooves are too shaky

>even with the mechanical, fingered apparatus she invented in her younger years, she just can't hold steady enough anymore

>the reason you aren't on a vivisection table is because you're ideal to assist the good doctor in her endeavors

>because you have fingers

>because of your familiarity with higher technologies, through both everyday life on Earth and through Earthly science fiction

>though no doubt you're too poorly educated to truly understand the technologies which you took for granted

>you soon noticed the looming, metallic figures in the room

>Phylum Strata's mechanical mares

>essentially what a human would think of as a robot

>the beings she sent to capture you

>after Sombra's path-creating spell alerted her to your presence

>the mechanical mares can't be Phylum Strata's assistants, admitted the good doctor

>apparently she didn't get the idea for digital electronics until she was able to gather information from Earth

>which was only a little over two years ago

>she hasn't yet developed the processing power to host any sort of intelligence in a machine

>the mechanical mares were there to ensure that you didn't attempt to flee from your duties

>they were there to override your silly sentimentality by inflicting an objective fear of physical harm

>okay

>but what the fuck were the "duties"?

>well

>pick up that scalpel

>cut there

>pinch that shut

>slice there

>in short

>the good duchess had paid the good doctor good money for the service of having her brain removed

>and placed into the body of her daughter

>and under the watchful eyes of the mechanical mares

>you gave the good duchess what she paid for

>Phylum Strata flicked a few switches which she said would begin reviving the two

>the duchess would get to live a second life

>the daughter would most likely be locked up in some nursing home til she died of her mother's old age

>and now

>now you're supposed to sleep?

 

Part 3: Raspberry Heaven

 

>after maybe an hour or six of not sleeping, the door to your quarters slides open

>oh fuck no

>you want to hide under the small, threadbare sheet

>but the figure who steps in is neither the mad scientist nor any monstrous creation of hers

>"Uncle Anonymous?"

>it's the little one

>the clone

>Raspberry Heaven

"Uh…"

>"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep."

"Don't you have a 'mother' for this?"

>the little red filly shakes her head

>"She always keeps her door locked. And I was up wondering about you. I haven't met anyone new since I was little."

"You still are little."

>Raspberry Heaven considers this

>"That's true. Since I was very little, then."

>you sit up

>the sheets fall from your chest

"What did you want to know?"

>"First of all, what happened to your coat? You're almost completely hairless all of the sudden."

>coat?

>hairless?

>oh

"You mean my shirt? It was dirty, so I took it off to sleep."

>Raspberry cocks her head

"You know, it's clothing. Like the white jacket your mother wears."

>"I see. And where do big hairless creatures such as yourself come from? And why did you come here?"

"Uh, well…"

>it seems that Raspberry Heaven is kept largely ignorant of the sort of things Phylum Strata does

>it's probably wisest to keep it that way

"Well that's part of the reason why I'm here. I don't exactly know where I'm from. But your mother said she can help me find out."

>a little eyebrow shoots up skeptically

>"You don't know where you're from?"

"I mean, I know what place I'm from, but I don't know where it is. I don't know how I could get back if I wanted to."

>"So you want to go home?"

"Uh, I don't know. But I suppose if I can, I should."

>"How can you not know what you want?"

"Well, uh, feelings are complicated. There's probably been a time where you weren't sure if you wanted something."

>"I don't believe there has been."

"Are you sure? You never had to think for a little bit about whether you wanted chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream, or something like that?"

>Raspberry Heaven blinks

>"What's ice cream?"

"Uh, okay, well…"

>hm

>all right, this one should stump her

"Do you want me to pat your head?"

>the little red filly's ears flick up and down

>"What?"

"It's a simple question. Do you want me to take my hand and rub it on your head, or not?"

>"Um, I don't understand-"

>you cut her off by using the long reach which your alien, ape-like physiology grants you

>and placing your hand on Raspberry Heaven's head

>and rubbing

>and scratcing a little bit too

>"Um! Uh… ah!"

>you feel the warm little head press up into your palm

>"Ahhhhh…"

>finally, you take your hand away

"Well, did you want that?"

>"Um… Um… I'm not sure."

"Why don't you go to bed and think about it then? I'm sure your mother is going to make me start working early, so I'd appreciate if you let me sleep now."

>"Y-yes, Uncle Anonymous."

>Raspberry practically stumbles out the room

>you grin

>that little pony is seriously adorable

 

>plain oatmeal is actually a fairly common breakfast in Equestria

>naturally, of course, since ponies are, you know, ponies

>they like the taste of oats in and of themselves

>you, however, do not

>no matter how many times Rainbow Dash told you that you were ruining your oats

>you just couldn't help adding sugar and fruits

>there are no such sweeteners upon the breakfast table of the mad scientist Phylum Strata

>just plain, boiled, rolled oats

>but, really

>even though you haven't eaten in the last 24 hours

>you're not actually hungry anyway

>you're just sort of poking at the oats

>observing your companions

>Phylum Strata is alternating between taking a bite of oats

>and glaring at you

>and glaring at Raspberry Heaven

>but that's probably because Raspberry Heaven keeps stealing nervous glances at you

>you force down a spoonful of bland whole grains

>"Uncle Anonymous."

"Hm? Uh er, yeah?"

>"I think I did want it. I mean, what you did. Last night."

>Phylum Strata rolls her eyes and sighs

>oh fucking shit

>you stare wide-eyed at the mad doctor, wondering if she heard that the way it sounds

>waiting for a death laser to come and annihilate you

>"Uncle Anonymous? Did you hear me?"

"Uh, y-yeah, that's good."

>Phylum Strata takes a sip of her coffee

>she isn't looking at you any more

>holy fuck

>if she thinks you've done something indecent with her underaged clone, she sure doesn't seem to give a fuck

>"Mister Faggot, it is time for us to begin our work. Come with me. The mechanical mares will clean up after you."

"S-sure."

>"Uncle Anonymous, can I come see you again tonight?"

>nope, nevermind, that's it

>you're dead

>you're literally actually going to fucking die today

"S-sure thing, kiddo."

>"Mister Faggot, please do not delay."

"Yes, ma'am, I mean master, I mean-"

>"Phylum Strata will do. Come."

>you follow Phylum Strata into the main hub of six doors

>she leads you into another hub with three more doors

>and then she leads you into a lab

>this one seems a lot less evil than the one she had you working in yesterday

>still, you're feeling pretty apprehensive

>"Anonymous Faggot."

>okay, here it comes

>the sweet embrace of death

"Ididn'tdoanythingindecentorlewdwithyourdaughterIswearpleasedon'tvaporiseme!"

>"I know."

"O-oh. Okay."

>you probably could have handled that with a little more dignity

"I want you to know that Raspberry Heaven, in her current state, is a temporary entity. As I have told you, if she grows old enough, I shall eradicate all sentimentality from her mind and convert her to pure objectivism."

>"Thus, I am not concerned in the slightest with the notion that you may poison her mind. In fact, I see it as beneficial. One must first learn sentimentality in order to recognize it for the plague it is."

>"I understand if this situation must be pushing your feeble mind to its very limits. If the companionship of my creation keeps you sane during your time in my laboratory, then by all means, indulge yourself."

"Gee, um-"

>"However, I would caution you against getting too attached to my creation. She is, as I have said, a temporary entity, and my plans are constantly in flux. Should I find it necessary that she should pass before you leave, it will be much easier on your mental health if you have not developed any sort of psychological dependency on her."

>okay

>there's yet another horrifying implication that'll keep you up at night

"Well, thanks for the advice."

>"You are quite welcome to it."

"Say, uh, while we're on this subject, what kind of name is Raspberry Heaven anyway?"

>the appraising eyebrow

>"It was my own name when I was her age. And it is just as suitable as any other name."

 

Part 4: On Carrots

 

>Phylum Strata flicks a switch on a console

>a screen lights up on it

>"On your world, there is a saying: The carrot, and the stick. I presume you are familiar with this idiom?"

"Yeah."

>"Do I need to remind you what the 'stick' is in your situation?"

"Nope."

>"Good. Then behold: the 'carrot.'"

>the screen comes into focus

>there is a green field

>figures walk, run, play, sit, and eat upon the lush grass

>the figures are human

>not the bug-eyed rainbow-colored "humans" Twilight showed you last year

>but real human beings just like yourself

>with peach-colored skin

>and normal-sized eyes

>"I am primarily concerned with the physical sciences. Those fields which unicorn scholars would refer to as mundane, or non-magical are the point from which I shall revolutionize this society. But in this world I cannot wholly discount the use of magic as a tool. I have discovered multiple magical artifacts in these very mountains and incorporated a number of them into certain inventions of mine, all of which are contained within this room."

>huh

>you wonder if she'd be keeping Sombra in here as well

>"It is through these semi-magical devices that I was able to detect you when you arrived in this world, and again when you had my mountain magically altered."

>there was a name Apple Fritter had mentioned

>an old wizard outlaw who lived in these mountains

"Darkstar the Peg-Horned."

>Phylum Strata cocks her eyebrow at you

>"Hm, I see you are familiar with the local superstition. Yes, an ancient wizard named Darkstar once abode in these mountains, and I do believe that he left the artifacts which I have discovered."

>the cold objectivist's expression hardens

>"Despite Darkstar's focus on the arcane sciences, I do consider him a sort of 'spiritual ancestor' of mine, so to speak. He fled to these mountains after a fit of passion ended poorly for him. I have reason to believe that when he arrived here, he trained himself in objectivity, and proceeded to focus singularly on the pursuit of knowledge."

"So you came here in a fit of passion?"

>Phylum Strata glares at you, and ignores your question

>ah, right

>can't interrupt the mad scientist while she's solliloquizing

>"If the scholars in Canterlot were half so dedicated to their science as Darkstar was, my mundane pursuits here would already be obsolete. Alas, the only pony since Darkstar to possess his objective aptitude for science is me, and as an earth pony it is my destiny to focus on the physical rather than the metaphysical."

"Makes sense."

>Phylum Strata scratches her chin

>"Though at one point I did possess the legendary 'peg-horn' of Darkstar, and with its spellcasting power I imagined I could bring about a perfect union of physical and arcane sciences. Unfortunately, it was stolen from me many years ago, and I was unable to retrieve it."

"Somebody stole something from you?"

>"Yes, but no more of that now. Though I could doubtless entrance your feeble mind for hours with tales and thoughts from my extraordinary life, it is time now for us to work."

>the scientist gestures at the console showing its scene on Earth

>"This is the device which accesses the magical link between Equestria and Earth. In order to prepare your 'carrot', it shall be necessary to make some rather extensive modifications to it. Since I have no clients today, we may as well begin here so that you may see I intend to keep my word."

>Phylum Strata flips a circuit breaker, and her console blinks off

>"Now, retrive a screwdriver from that cabinet over there. Cross-tip, and three thirty-seconds of an inch."

 

Part 5: On Headpats

 

>night time again

>not that you can tell for sure

>inside this evil lair, even the interior lighting doesn't go dark when it's time to sleep

>a much more sophisticated lighting technology than magic, flame, gas, or even Earthly lightbulbs, claimed the good doctor

>with the special use of radium, these lights won't burn out for tens of thousands of years, she said

>the only downside is that they can't be turned off or on again

>but, objectively, Phylum Strata argued, there's no rational reason why your vision should ever be obscured by darkness in the first place

>it's been a long time since you last got a full night's sleep

>not since Twilight's last visit to your home anyway

>but tonight will not be the night that changes

>you're sitting on the small, flat mattress provided for you by the mad scientist

>staring at the wall

>pretending there's a window there

>imagining a tiny Apple Fritter waving at you from far-below Picacholt

>way down near the base of the mountains

>begging you to come back

>begging you to clean up the mess you made

>the whirr of an electric moter and the sliding of fiberglass on aluminum alerts you to the presence of a visitor

>you turn around to see

"Oh, hey Razzie."

>a little red ear flicks

>"Who is 'Razzie?'"

"You are. It's a nickname."

>saucer-sized red eyes blink

>"What's a nickname?"

"Well, it's, uh, it's something folks call each other when they don't feel like saying their full names. It's something friends do sometimes, too, to show that they like each other."

>a little red head tilts

>"So, which is it in this case?"

"Huh?"

>"Am I your friend, or do you simply not want to say my full name?"

"Ah, a little of both, I guess."

>"Then... I am your friend?"

"Sure."

>"That makes me happy. Do you have a nickname, Uncle Anonymous?"

"You can call me Anon."

>"Anon... Does that mean that you're my friend?"

"Yeah. I guess it does."

>Razzie looks down and smiles

>"Mother tells me that the mechanical mares are my friends, but I can't talk with them as I do with you."

"So you wanted to talk?"

>"Um... no. I..."

>Razzie clambers onto the mattress

>"I want..."

>and she presses her way onto your lap

>"I want you to do it to me again."

>huh?

>"To pat my head. Again. I want that."

>heh

"Sure."

>your fingers find their way behind Razzie's ears

>she squeaks

>then kicks

>then sighs

>and relaxes

 

Part 6: Wherein Anon is Not a Hero

 

>judging by the number of times Phylum Strata has had the mechanical mares toss you into your quarters, it's been a week

>for the most part, you've been Strata's fingers for working on various gadgets and experiments that you only vaguely understand

>you've almost forgotten why you consider her a mad scientist

>but today you will be reminded

>"Anonymous, we have a client. Come with me into the operation room."

>you're frozen

"A client for... what?"

>"For the brain swapping procedure, what else?"

>you can't seem to move at all

>"Would you like to me to describe what happens to a body when it is tossed from a ten-thousand foot mountain?"

>you manage to clear your throat

"I'm coming."

>"How prudent."

>on the left hand table is an old, fat, brown earth pony stallion

>on the right hand table is a little, lavender unicorn filly

"H-hang on, these two don't even look related."

>"And what concern is that to me?"

"It's just... doesn't this seem wrong to you?"

>"The baron here has expressed a wish to become a little filly, and he has provided me with good money for the opportunity."

"That... doesn't make it right or wrong."

>Phylum Strata snorts

>"What would be wrong, Anonymous, would be to allow my scientific research to go underfunded. In the pursuit of knowledge, I would gladly sacrifice any number of silly little fillies."

"I really can't do this."

>"If you cannot do this, then I shall have to run experiments to determine what exactly you can do. I think I'll start with an experiment to determine whether or not you can fly."

"I guess I can't do that either."

>"We simply won't know until I test it."

>well

>it turns out that you can

>not fly, of course

>but amoral brain surgeries

>that you're apparently more than capable of

>Phylum Strata made you watch her wake them up

>made you watch the old, fat stallion's body sob like a little girl

>i-it's not your fault

>right?

 

Part 7: Checkers and an Aftermath

 

>has it been weeks?

>months?

>you've stopped keeping track of the days in your head

>you only know that it's early in the morning

>and that Raspberry Heaven is jumping up and down on top of your gut

>"Anon, wake up! I've found something!"

"Stop, stop, stop, please!"

>"Are you awake now?"

>you sit up and wheeze

"I assume so."

>"Look, I found this box. It says it's some sort of game!"

"Yeah, it does, it does. Let me see."

>sounding out the horse heiroglyphs, it says…

"Checkers."

>huh

>usually, when you find something in Equestria that's similar to something you knew on Earth, the name is changed somewhat

>and usually, that change takes the form of a horse pun

>"Checkers. Do you know this game, Anon?"

"Yeah, I think I actually do."

>Razzie throws the box open and dumps its contents onto the floor

>"Then let's play!"

>it does indeed look like the game you're familiar with

>the red and black board

>the red and black disks

>you slink onto the floor and set up the board

"Okay, it's pretty simple. You're red and I'm black. We're gonna take turns moving our pieces. You move one of your pieces one square forward, but if you're diagonal from one of my pieces you can move your piece over mine and take it. If you take all of my pieces before I take yours, you win. There are a few more rules but I'll point them out when we get there."

>"When can we start?"

"Now. You're red, so you go first."

>after about ten minutes

>you had expected to lose by now

>you figured you'd take it real easy on Razzie

>because she's a little kid

>and it's her first game of checkers

>you've refrained from taking any of her pieces

>you've plopped your pieces right next to hers so she could take them

>but

>she's really bad at this

>at this point in the game, nearly all of your pieces have been kinged

>just because you had to keep moving them forward

>she's only taken two of your pieces

>and only because you pointed out to her that she could

>currently, Raspberry Heaven is scrunched in thought, staring at the board

>you've moved six of your kings back into spaces where she could take them right now

>finally, her face lights up

>she puts her hoof over a piece

>and moves it to your edge of the board

>and looks up at you triumphantly

>"King me."

"Wow, yeah, good job, Razzie."

>whoever made this box of checkers seemed to have a scenario exactly like this in mind

>it has about double the pieces you'd need for a game

>which is good, because there are almost no captured pieces with which you could crown Razzie's first king

>you're wondering if there's a way you can quickly end the game without hurting the little filly's feelings

>when the door whirrs open

>and Phylum Strata strides in

 

>"Anonymous, come with me immediately. I'll allow you to eat later-"

>the geriatric genius adjusts her glasses

>"What are you doing?"

>Raspberry Heaven beams

>"Good morning, mother. We're playing checkers!"

>"I can quite see that. Where in the world did you find that?"

>Razzie looks down

>"I… found it in the caves, mother."

>Phylum Strata practically growls

>"Yes, I suppose you must have. How many times must I tell you to stay out of the caves?"

>"Um…"

>"And what is this, Raspberry Heaven? Are you… are you losing?"

>the mad doctor scrutinizes the board

>and scoffs

>"And Anonymous, I suppose that you have been 'taking it easy' on her, haven't you?"

"Uh… n-"

>"How dreadful! That a creation from my own body and brain should lose in a simple game of checkers to a simple creature like Anonymous!"

>Phylum Strata sets her face in stone

>then sets herself in front of the checkers board

>"Sit beside me, Raspberry Heaven. I shall counsel you, and you shall win."

>what happens next is almost too fast to comprehend

>Phylum Strata informs Razzie of the rule that you can move your piece multiple times in one turn for successive captures

>naturally, you hadn't gotten to that

>then she points out all the black pieces that are ready to be captured right now

>then she maps out a devestating move and directs Razzie to execute it

>one move

>"Yes. Now calculate your next attack on your own."

>something has been set off inside of Razzie

>two moves

>three moves

>it's over

>you are utterly defeated

>"Yes! Well done, Raspberry Heaven!"

>the cold objectivist begins to laugh with glee

>but catches herself

>and grunts

>and tries to get away

>but it's too late

>Raspberry Heaven is already blissfully nuzzled into her mother's chest

 

>Phylum Strata stares upon her creation for a moment

>and recoils

>she stands up

>backs away

>is she sweating?

>Razzie cocks her head

>"Mother?"

>Phylum Strata shakes her head

>takes a deep breath

>glances at the conquered checkers board

>glares at you

>"We've wasted quite enough time on frivolities. Come with me immediately, Anonymous. And Raspberry Heaven, I forbid you from entering the caves outside of this home."

>the good doctor is leading you toward the operation room

>fuck shitting damnit

>the mad scientist silently triggers the retinal scanner

>inside the room you behold a young stallion and a teenage colt immobilized the simulated death of Phylum Strata

>the doctor makes sure that both mechanical mares have entered the room before shutting the door

>"Squeamish as you are, Anonymous, this case should be agreeable even to you."

>"This colt here is a young marquis. His body will be paralyzed for the rest of its life."

>"This stallion here is a burglar. He was in the process of robbing the young marquis' home when he injured the marquis' spine."

>"The young marquis' parents have paid me to restore their son's normal life, at the expense of the one who took it away. Do you suppose, Anonymous, that this is a procedure that you can carry out without your normal effeminate shaking?"

"Uh…"

>"Apparently not. Well, at the very least I do expect that you can carry out this procedure without my explicit instruction. It is, after all, an extremely simple operation, and this is your third time doing it. Hopefully the lessened moral compunction in this case will only help you."

"I guess so."

>"You should hope so. I am going to attend to other business now. Should you attempt to escape this room in my absence, my mechanical mares will reduce you to a very smooth jelly. Do you understand?"

"Y-yeah…"

>the doctor considers something for a moment

>"However, should you at any point find yourself unsure of how to proceed, stop and wait for me to return. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I understand."

>"Good."

>without another word, Phylum Strata disappears

>and you're somewhat horrified to discover

>that you can, in fact, perform the brain-swapping operation on your own by now

>at least there's some sort of justice to it this time

>right?

 

Part 8: The Life of All Flesh

 

>when Phylum Strata came back into the operation room three days ago

>she wouldn't look you in the eye with her usual appraising eyebrow

>in fact, she wouldn't look at you at all

>since then, you haven't seen her

>and you've mostly occupied your time by playing with Razzie

>not checkers, of course

>she's gotten entirely too good at checkers

>but you've taught her tag, hide-and-seek, some word games

>and she's taught you the strange role-playing games which small children are prone to inventing

>currently, you are Hovan, the great white ape

>and Razzie, with her paper sword, is the hero who must imminently slay you

"Graaaaaaggh!"

>you've been kind of bored

>Razzie's heroic one-liners are somewhat muffled due to the faux-sword in her mouth

>"Terk thert!"

>there's a flash of blinding white paper

"Ow!"

>Razzie spits out her sword

>"Anooon, I told you that apes cannot talk!"

>a thin red line is forming on your wrist where the paper sword smote you

"Oh, I got a paper cut."

>Razzie does her head-tilt

>"A paper cut?"

"Yeah, it's fine. It'll close up in a few minutes."

>a small red drop falls onto the polished chrome floor between you and Razzie

>her ears flop back

>"I did not realize that paper could be so dangerous..."

"Don't worry, it isn't."

>you allow a devilish grin to spread across your face

"And it won't stop me from gobbling you up!"

>arms outstretched, you lunge toward the disarmed hero

>"No!"

>faster than thought, the valorous filly takes up her sword and evades your lunge

>and the weapon thwacks against your knee!

"Graaagghh!"

>you fall

>and the recyclable sword is pointed directly at your throat

>"Er'll lert yer ger, erf yer prermers ter sterp gerbling erp lertl ferlies!"

"What?"

>Razzie spits out the sword

>"I said, I'll let you go, if you promise to stop gobbling up little fillies!"

>little does she know that she's fallen for your trick yet again

"Never!"

>monstrous, ape-like hands sieze Raspberry Heaven and pull her into your chest for an immobilizing hug

>and finally, gobbling sound-effects and tickling are employed to secure the victory of evil

>"Ah! Stop! Hahaha! Please! You cheated! Ah! Stop! Ha! You win! Stop!"

>triumphantly, you set the giggling Razzie on the floor

>after about a minute, she manages to suppress her laughter and begins to pout