The Spotted Snake

"Shit fucking damnit."

"Shit. First time that's happened in a few weeks."

"Fuck, man."

<"Hi, Anon!"

"Hey, Ponks."

<"Doing anything right now, Nonny?"

"Well I was about to-"

<"Great! Come on, I wanna show you something!"

"No, hang on, I'm all covered in-"

"You wanted to show me the train station?"

<"No, silly. We've just gotta meet someone here before we can go see the thing we've gotta see."

"All right, two questions. First of all, what even is this thing we've gotta see?"

<"It's a surprise!"

"All right, then who do we have to meet? Is that a surprise too?"

<"Oh, just my dad."

"Wha- why would you want me to meet your dad again? You know… he knows that we're, you know, not a thing anymore, right?"

<"Oh, sure, I told him all about that. Don't worry, Anon, I'm sure he'll act a lot less scary now that we're just friends. And, you know, now that the accident happened…"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess."

<"Now, based on the position of the Sun, the strength of the wind-current, and the vibration of the tracks, my dad's train should be pulling in right… about…"

<"Now!"

"Goodness fuck, how do you do that?"

<"Language, Nonny! You know how my dad gets about that."

"Boy, do I."

 

<"Hi, Dad! I brought Anon along, hope you don't mind!"

^"Good day, Pinkamena. Is Anonymous, then, the friend you mean to take with you to the house?"

"Huh? What house?"

<"Uh-huh!"

^"Then no, I don't mind. I'm sure Anonymous still has the strength, where it counts, to keep you safe."

"Whoah, safe? Hang on, Pinkie, Mr. Pie, I wasn't counting on anything dangerous. I'm not exactly the man I used to be, you know."

^"Oh, it's nothing so bad as that. Just an old, crumbling house. As long as you've still got your good sense about you I'm sure you'll be quite well. By the by, I was sorry to hear of your accident."

"Yeah, it's fine. Look, I still don't really know just what it is I've been dragged into here."

^"Why, I wonder that Pinkamena didn't tell you."

<"It was gonna be a surprise!"

^"Ah. Of course it was. Well then, don't let's keep your friend in suspense any longer."

^"There we go. The keys to old Blanche's house, and a map that ought to tell you how to get there."

^"The short of it, Anonymous, is this: A distant cousin of ours, one Blanche Pie, has recently passed away, and her house has passed into my possession."

<"And Mom and Dad say I can have the house!"

^"Yes. The house is just outside of Ponyville, in the Everfree Forest, and I'm afraid that it's a bit far from the rock farm to do me and the missus much good. Besides, it's about time Pinkamena owned some land."

"So, wait, you've had a cousin living just outside of Ponyville this whole time, and I've never heard of her?"

<"I didn't know about her til today either. I hear she mostly kept to herself."

^"Cousin Blanche was, well… a long time ago, there was a Pie by the name of Flint. Flint Pie travelled for many years among the nomad herds of Zebrica, and returned to Equestria somewhat… queer. He took his family into the Everfree Forest, and after that he was said to have become rather disreputable. Respectable Pies haven't had much to do with Flint's line in many generations, but since old Blanche Pie was the last of that branch, I don't suppose there's any harm in letting slip the secret now."

^"My apologies, Pinkamena, but I must return home now. There's still a great deal of chores to do before autumm really sets in, and my train should be arriving…"

^"…Now."

"So that just… runs in the family, huh?"

<"Aw, all right. See you at Hearthswarming?"

^"Of course, dearest. I'll see you at Hearthswarming."

<"Okay! Bye, Dad!"

^"Farewell, Pinkamena. And, Anonymous, I trust you'll do what it takes to keep my daughter safe."

"Yeah, sure, totally."

<"Ready to go Anon? Because I'm-"

"No. I'm not ready. I've been all covered with sticky shit this whole time, and I really don't want to go waltzing through the woods like this."

<"But you still wanna come, right?"

<"I'm gonna need those big, strong arms of yours to keep me safe from the monsters, you know."

"I don't have big, strong arms anymore."

<"Sure you do. On the inside, where it counts."

"Look, if it'll make you happy, I'll come visit this old house with you. Just let me take a bath real quick. What do you say we meet up by the forest in, say, an hour?"

<"A whole hour?!"

"Oh, it's still early in the day, you'll be fine."

<"Fine! An hour it is. Ooh! I can't wait, has it been an hour yet?!"

 

/"Hey, Anon- whoah! What happened to you?"

"Lost a fight with an ice cream cone. I'm gonna take a bath real quick. Also, I'm heading out to the Everfree with Pinkie after that, apparently she's inherited an old house out there."

/"You're heading to the Everfree with Pinkie?"

"Yeah."

/"I don't know if that's safe, maybe I should go with you guys."

"Oh, would you quit worrying? I'm your fuck-up, not your foal, remember?"

/"Of course, but… you're my friend, too. I'd be worried about this even if the accident never happened. Really, you guys should take me along; there's all kinds of monsters in the Everfree, you know."

"Pinkie and I are both adults… or, I'm as old as an adult, anyway. We'll be fine. Besides, don't you have that big presentation in Canterlot to prepare for?"

/"Okay, if you say so. It's just… I'd feel terrible if something happened to you before I figured out how to fix the accident."

"Hey, until you do figure it out, I've still gotta live, don't I? Anyways, I'm meeting Pinkie in an hour, so I've gotta start drawing that bath now."

/"All right. Have fun, Anon."

<"Ugh, finally! Are you ready to go yet?"

"Yep. Pull out that map, let's see where we're going."

 

"Are you sure you can read that thing?"

<"Sure can. We are still on course! Why do you ask?"

"Mostly due to those holes you poked in it."

<"Oh that's fine, Nonny, I can still read it."

"And the fact that you're using them as eyeholes and wearing the map like a Halloween mask."

<"Pfffft, how else am I supposed to see where I'm going, you silly filly? Oh, left turn here."

"You know what? Okay."

<"Okay!"

"Okay."

<"O~kay~!"

"Okay."

<"Okey dokey!"

"Uh-huh."

<"Yup!"

"That's fine."

<"Nonny?"

"We're lost, aren't we?"

<"Just a tiny bit."

"Lemme see the map."

<"No! Hang on, if I can just…"

<"Come on, this way!"

"What? Not through the fucking brush!"

"Pinkie Pie! I'm not tall enough for this shit anymore!"

<"Geez, you were always so needy."

"Pinkie Pie, are you sure about this?"

<"Totally. This is where the X on the map is. See?"

"No, I believe you. What I meant was, are you sure about living here?"

<"I dunno about living here, but it'd be a pretty good party spot."

<"Think about it, Anon. There are. No. Noise laws. In the Everfree Forest. We can get as loud as we want!"

"Whoah, calm down. There's someone over there."

 

<"Oh, I know her. That's Zecora!"

"Is it?"

_"Anonymous I see, free as a bird. I take it you've come to say the Z-word?"

<"Anon!"

"Wha- no! Not today, Zecora. I'm just here with her."

_"Ah, and my friend of pink. Here to see old Blanche's house, I think?"

<"Uh-huh! My family wanted me to have the house, and now I'm here to have a look-see."

"Hey, zi- Zecora, what's that stuff you're throwing around?"

_"Old Blanche Pie knew the magicless magic of the Zoodoo tribes. I'm here to clear out all the bad vibes."

"Bad vibes?"

<"Magicless magic? Is that kinda like my Pinkie Sense?"

_"Yes… then in Pie blood runs the magicless magic. I wish you'd turn back now; I fear an end somewhat tragic."

<"Pffft, tragic? This isn't a play, you silly willy!"

"Yeah, why are you acting so spooky, stripe horse?"

_"A maker of zombies and zuvembies was Flint Pie of old. He taught his family that blackest art: the Zoodoo practice bold."

<"Okay, I've seen zombie movies, but what's a zuvembie?"

"Oh, geez, this is another one of those things where something in Equestria is just like something from back home on Earth but with a bad pun in the name. I know what this is."

"See, back on Earth there was this thing called Voodoo. And when they wanted to make a zombie they'd give a guy some stuff to paralyze him and then they'd bury him alive. They'd dig him up later and the guy would be brain damaged, see? He'd be servile but aggressive, and the damn Voodoos would pretend like the guy was the living dead. It's twisted, to be sure, but there's nothing magic about it. Let alone magicless magic, which doesn't make any fucking sense to begin with."

<"But what's a zuvembie supposed to be?"

"Oh, it was the same fucking thing but always a woman. I think they supposedly had some kind of magic powers that regular zombies didn't."

_"The zuvembie is the steed of Yigballa, the spotted snake. Each one is a mare or filly he takes."

"I'm kinda surprised the concept of steeds exists in this world."

_"It is not wise to speak of such things to pony-folk. I only ask you to go home now; this is not a joke!"

"Oh, calm down. We just wanna look around."

<"Well… I was kinda hoping to spend the night."

_"No!"

"Shut up, zigger."

<"Anon!"

"Ah, sorry. Just slipped out. Anyway, why would you want to spend the night? It's probably all drafty in there."

<"Well how else are we supposed to find out all what's wrong with the place? It's what my dad said to do, anyway."

_"My leave of you I now take. The place is clean now, I hope for your sake."

<"Come on, Nonny, let's check it out."

"Well, I guess we are spending the night. No way are we traipsing through these woods after dark."

<"There's that good sense Dad was talking about it. You know what this means!"

"Does it mean slumber party?"

<"Slumber party!"

"All right, what are we doing first, Ponk pony? Scary stories, spin the bottle, truth or dare-?"

<"Slumber!"

"Huh?"

"Please no."

 

~"Hi, are you new in town?"

"Not really."

~"Really? I don't think I've seen you before."

"Remember that big monster that lived in this house?"

~"Sure, we were here looking for him."

"You're looking at him."

~"Oh…"

~"Are you sad because you're not big anymore?"

"Yeah, kinda. Among other reasons. Anyways, why were you looking for me?"

~"Our cat got stuck in a tree. We were hoping you could get her out."

~"I guess that's not gonna work now. Sorry to bother you."

"Wait, hang on. I used to be pretty good at climbing trees when I was your age. Let's see if I can't help you get that cat back."

~"Really?"

"Yeah, sure."

~"Thanks! I'm Orange Float."

~"And I'm Aqua Marine."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Anon."

~"Hello, Anon."

"Hey guys, what's up?"

~"We are moving to Dodge Junction today."

"Oh, shit. How long do we have?"

~"We are leaving now. Goodbye, Anon."

"Pinkie? What's up?"

 

 

<"Anon? What are you doing, you silly filly?"

"It's cold."

<"Auntie Pinkie will keep you nice and warm."

 

<"There you are, Anon! I couldn't sleep without my slumber-buddy you know!"

<"What are you doing, Nonny?"

"Oh, me, I'm just, uh…"

"I'm roughing it, you know? Taking a bath in the great outdoors and all that. Do I look dirty to you?"

<"You look fine to me."

<"Actually… I dunno. You might need to RINSE OFF a little more!"

<"What's the matter? Don't wanna splash me back?"

"Ah, I guess I'm just tired."

<"That's what you get for getting up so early, you silly filly."

"Yeah, I guess."

<"Nonny? Are you cold?"

"Uh-huh. I guess fall is really starting now."

<"Yeah! Isn't it great?"

<"Soon all the leaves are gonna turn orange and then we'll get to dress up for Nightmare Night and then winter will come and Hearthswarming and…"

<"Whoah, you are sleepy, huh?"

"What? No! I'm just-"

<"Come on, let's get you home so you can go to bed. Granny Pie always told me that growing filles need eight hours a day!"

<"Wow. You're even too tired to pout."

"Fuck off."

<"That's more like it!"

 

~"Once, you were a boy."

"What?"

~"Once, you were a boy."

"Well, okay. Sure."

~"Then, you were a man."

"Of course. That's the way it goes."

~"But you came to another world, and there the accident happened."

"Yeah."

~"And now you are a filly."

"Are you getting at something here?"

~"Have you given any thought to what your next form will be?"

"Well, I suppose that either a cure will be found and I'll be a man again, or not and I'll eventually grow into a mare."

~"And after that?"

"What?"

~"What happens after that?"

"Well hopefully there is no 'after that'. Getting to be two species in one lifetime is more than enough for me."

~"But there is an after that. You will die, Anon. Your body will return to dust, and your mind will return to the distant spheres which noone yet living may know."

"I- yeah. Sure, I'll die some day. That's the way it goes."

~"What if it didn't have to go that way?"

"But how else could it go?"

~"You could stick around for a while."

"What do you mean by this?"

~"Stick around for a while."

~"Stick around for a while."

~"Stick around for a while."

~"Stick around for a while!"

~"Stick around for a while!"

~"Stick around for a while, Anon!"

 

/"Anon? Are you all right?"

/"Anon?"

"Uh…"

/"Bad dream?"

"Twilight…"

/"I know, I know. You're not my foal. Sorry, I… should have just let you sleep. Pinkie made it sound like you'd been up all night."

"Twilight, wait."

"Thanks."

/"I'll be downstairs working on my presentation if you need me."

 

/"Anon? You need something?"

"No, I'm just looking for a book."

/"Can't get back to sleep?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

/"Oh. Sorry."

"Twilight, it's fine. It's not even noon yet, I can just sleep at night like everyone else."

/"Right. Sorry."

/"What book are you looking for?"

"I'm just looking for anything about Zoodoo."

/"Zoodoo?"

"Yeah."

/"Oh, so you're the one who left out 'The Secrets of Zoodoo.'"

"I didn't leave any books out."

/"Well somebody left it out last night."

/"Maybe Spike got it out."

"Yeah. Maybe. Is it still out?"

/"Uh-huh. Right on that table over there."

/"Anon?! What's wrong?"

"I'm… I'm going outside for a little bit."

 

"Y-yeah. It's pretty spooky, all right."

"Pfft. As if."

"Ugh."

"I'm just being dramatic."

 

<"Oh, who was that? Sorry!"

"Pinkie Pie?"

<"Anon! Hey! I tried not cutting holes in the map like you said, but I keep bumping into things."

"Wait, you're not going back to that house, are you?"

<"I sure am! And this time, I'm ready-"

"Holy shit Pinkie you can't go there alone!"

<"Huh?"

<"Oh, I see what's going on here."

<"You wanna come with, huh?"

"What?"

<"Blanche asked me to come alone, but I'm sure if I put in a good word for you she'll let you come. Hang on."

"Blanche? As in your dead cousin?"

<"She prefers the term differently-living. Don't worry though, I won't tell you used the D-word."

<"Anon?"

<"Are you okay?"

"I- yeah. Just imagining things, I guess."

<"Blanche says you can come. She said she'd really prefer if I could come alone but then I told her all about how safe you make me feel but then-"

"That's good, Ponk pony. Yeah, I should definitely go with you. Just let me let Twilight know I'll be out overnight-"

<"Sorry, Nonny, Blanche says we have to go right now. Or at least I do. You could maybe catch up with me after you're-"

"Nah, that's fine. I can come now. Wouldn't want you to have to spend a second alone in those spooky old woods without me, you know?"

<"Awww. See? You do have big, strong arms on the inside!"

"So, uh, I never asked, but what exactly are we doing out here?"

<"Uh, a seance, duh!"

"A seance?"

<"You know, when you talk to ghosts."

"I know what it is, but why?"

<"Well last night, I had a crazy dream. My cousin Blanche was asking me to come back today to talk to her. Now I thought it was just a silly dream but today when I got back home I heard her talking to me through the crystal ball and I knew it was real and I got ready to go right away because I mean how many ponies get a chance to really bond with their long-lost differently-living distant cousin and then you showed up and-"

"I think I remember what happened after that, thanks."

<"Nonny, you've been acting kinda weird today. Are you all right?"

"Me? I'm good."

<"It's okay to be scared, you know. Ghosts are pretty spooky, after all."

"No, I'm not- It's not that. It's just- uh, when are we starting this seance?"

<"Well we've gotta wait for it to get dark out, silly-head."

"Oh. Right."

"Wait, if we've gotta wait for it to get dark out, why did we have to get here right away?"

<"I dunno. You can ask Blanche when we see her."

 

<"I spy with my little eye… something… grey!"

"Is it the walls?"

<"That's it! How did you know?"

<"Pinkie, don't you think it's dark enough by now?"

<"Yeah, I guess. Help me get the candles lit, it's time for a ghost party!"

"Great. Where'd you leave the candles?"

<"Right over… oh, I can't see anymore."

"Here, lemme help you look."

<"Were they over here? No. Over here? Nope. Hm…"

"Found them."

<"Woo! Let's do this!"

<"Tell me, Anon. Do you believe in ghosts?"

"I dunno."

<"Do you believe, little Nonny, that it's possible for the living to commune with the dearly differently-living?"

"The what?"

<"You know, the D-word. The once Blanche doesn't like?"

"Oh, the dead."

<"Anon!"

"Right, yeah, yeah, sorry."

<"Do you believe, little Nonny, that it's possible for the living to commune with the dearly differently-living?!"

"I dunno. I hope not."

<"So you want me to fail?!"

"Well, no, it's just-"

<"Then what if I told you, Anon, that I spy with my little eye something white?"

"Something… what?"

<"What would you say to that? What is it I'm spying with my little eyeing?"

"Something… white?"

"So you see…"

<"Yes?"

"You see… your cousin…"

<"My cousin who? Who do I see?"

"You see… your cousin… your cousin Blanche Pie?"

<"And what if I told you, Anon, that I see her standing right behind you this very minute?!"

"You… y-you…"

<"Aw, I thought for sure something would happen if you got scared enough."

"Wha- you fucking assclown! Making shit up like that!"

<"You did get pretty scared though."

"Can we just do this normally?"

<"All right, all right. Here, gimme those hoovsies."

<"Now, be very quiet, Anon, and gaze into my crystal ball. Any spirits of the differently-living around here! Feel free to give us a call!"

"Did you hear that?"

<"Hear what?"

"That voice."

<"I didn't hear anything."

"Huh. Must've imagined it."

<"Anon?"

"Yeah?"

<"I'm bored."

"You wanna be done?"

<"Uh-huh."

"Man, getting home in this weather is gonna suck."

<"Getting home? You wanna walk through the Everfree Forest on a dark and stormy night? Are you loco?!"

"Well, I mean, I just don't know if it'll be safe here."

<"Aw, are you still scared?"

"What-no, I'm just-"

<"Don't worry, Nonny."

<"Auntie Pinkie Pie will keep you nice and safe!"

"Wait, shit!"

 

~"The earth is full of small particles of nutrients and moisture."

"That's kind of a weird thing to say."

~"These particles are consumed by the grass."

"Sure. Can you get out of my Sunlight now? I'm trying to mope."

~"The grass is then consumed by cattle."

"That's real neat."

~"And cattle are consumed by men."

"By… how did you know-? Oh, you're Orange and Aqua, aren't you?"

"Sorry I didn't recognize you. You just look kinda… haggard."

"That's… gross. You two should really go see a doctor."

~"But what consumes a man?"

"Oh I know this. Circle of life shit, right? I die, and the earth breaks me down into those little particles of nutrients and moisture."

~"His seven thousand coils make up the land and the hills."

^"No. I will not allow it."

^"You should have considered that before you stood at death's door."

^"I am. When you pass, the Pie family can move on without all of your… queerness."

^"I tell you I am glad of it! That I have lived to know that the curse of your ancestor will not plague my descendants is to be relieved of a great burden."

^"Then take one! Only be sure it's not one of my daughters!"

^"I know that she has the gift. But it waxes so weak in her that I know she'll be the last."

^"But… what if there were another? One who is even better suited?"

^"There is one that I know of with absolutely nothing of the taint of magical magic about him."

^"Of course not as he is now. But a simple change in forms is no great task for you, is it?"

^"I cannot force you to take him, but I must ask. If it is at all possible, spare my daughter!"

^"Once he understands that it's either him or her, he will make the right choice. I am sure of it."

 

"Twilight?"

/"Anon… I'm so glad."

"What happened? I don't remember…"

/"Pinkie Pie carried you home two days ago. You just wouldn't wake up. The doctor came by and said you'd caught brain fever."

"Brain fever? Is that real?"

/"It's the reason why you'd been acting so strange. Paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations are all common symptoms when your brain starts to swell up like that."

"My brain was swelling up? That's pretty gross."

/"Yeah. It sort of is."

/"So none of this shit was real then."

"No. You were just sick."

/"Thank fucking goodness."

"Twilight…"

/"I know, I know. Not my foal. Just a dear friend who I care for very much."

"I know. I'm sorry, Twilight, I shouldn't push you away like that."

/"Hm?"

"I said I shouldn't push you away like that. I'm sorry."

/"You're apologizing for something? You might still be sick after all."

"Eugh."

/"You must be pretty hungry. I'll bring you some soup."

/"By the way, that book you were reading…"

"What about it?"

/"I've seen that snake before."

"What, in your studies or something?"

/"No. It was… during the accident."

/"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up. I know you're still upset about the accident and you're probably still a little sick and-"

"Twilight, wait! What… what happened?"

/"It was… while I was casting the spell. I thought I saw a snake that looked just like that one. Smaller, of course, and only for a second. But it distracted me long enough for things to go wrong. Anon, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about this. I'll just go get your soup."

"No, Twilight, stay. It's okay."

/"Twilight, the accident wasn't your fault."

/"Anon, that's sweet of you."

/"But trust me."

/"It was."

 

~"She's fine, Anon. The mistress put her into deeper dreams so that we could talk."

"But I'm not really talking to you, am I?"

"I was never really talking to you, was I?"

"No… this is just another dream, right? None of this is real, it can't be."

~"The distinction between dream and reality isn't as clear as you think. Reality leaks into your dreams, and you take your dreams with you into reality."

~"However, you may be interested to know that you're not asleep right now."

"So it's me or her, huh?"

~"You could leave now. The mistress remembers her promise, but she would prefer her kinsmare."

"What does she know?"

~"Nothing, for the mistress remembers her promise. However, if she knew it was between her and you, she would come willingly."

"And what if I got help? What if I got Twilight Sparkle to blast you out of existence?"

~"If you leave this room without the mistress' kinsmare, the mistress will take her. If you try to wake her and leave together, the mistress will rend your flesh from your bones, and then take her all the same."

~"Once a mare is taken, there is no cure but destruction. And do not expect that she will resist long enough for you to return with help before the mistress has her."

"No possibilities, huh?"

~"Not one."

"Just… give me til morning. Please."

"I'll go with you. Just give me til morning."

<"Morning, Nonny. Sleep good last night?"

"Anon?"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, I slept all right."

<"That's good."

<"No need to worry Twilight again."

"Yeah. Wouldn't wanna do that."

<"Welp, no ghosties here!"

"Nope. No ghosts."

<"That means next time we come out here, Nonny, we're gonna be setting up for a PARTY!"

"Sounds like fun. When you wanna do it?"

<"Probably nightmare night. It's still pretty spooky here, after all."

<"Anon? Hello? Equestria to Anon? You coming?"

"Yeah. Yeah! I'm coming!"

<"Oh hey there, little guy. That's not where you belong!"

"Hey Pinkie."

<"What's up?"

"Why don't you go on without me?"

<"Huh? Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. It's just…"

"I'm just gonna stick around for a while."