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hombrew kinderquestria shit

By LocaldurnKanon
Created: 16th July 2021 09:31:33 PM
12th September 2021 11:30:49 PM

  1. >be anon
  2. >be on nightly night stroll because there are actually see able stars here in horseland and no horsenet hasn't been invented yet
  3. >you are wearing a coyote brown hoodie and kahki pants
  4. >hey anon never said he didn't have shit taste
  5. >the colors seem to make you almost invisible to poners as it vaguely blends into the scenery
  6. >see police poner patrolling
  7. >anon decides to fuck with the ponice officer for shit and giggles dives into nearest bush
  8. >be ponice pone and be shitting your pants at a scary sound you just heard
  9. "hello Is anyone there!?"
  10. >she looks around to see who made the noise but finds no one around
  11. >anon starts to quietly giggle
  12. "hey stop doing what your doing this isn't funny!"
  13. >anon contains himself and silence ensues
  14. >ponice mare does the pic posted here >>34839931
  15. "don't make me come over there!"
  16. >anon decides that he's been spotted and gets up grunting and starts to say "you are the first pony to-"
  17. >only to be cut off by a very scared and tumultuously screaming ponice pone
  18. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH INVISIBLE MONSTER!"
  19. >anon takes his hood off at the speed of sound and say "woah woah it's ok its just me the friendly neighborly local jolly green giant"
  20. >the mare settles down but still looks frightened
  21. "o-o-oh-h y-you s-scared me, w-why d-did you d-do that?"
  22. >tears start to begin filling her eye's and anon starts to feel like shit "oh im sorry if I scared you I didn't mean to, my hoodie and pants blends into the background really well." anon gives her a hug to consul her
  23. "i-it's okay, but what are you doing out so late in the scary dark you could get hurt by monsters?"
  24. >anon replies " looking at the stars, there prettier than on my planet."
  25. >the police mare looked confused at first but then understood why you were doing what you were with that explanation
  26. "oh okay b-but be safe and watch out for scary night monsters."
  27. >"y-you too" anon replies like an autist
  28. >the ponice pone turns around to start walking away but before she could get far anon shouts out to her "hey! would you like to look at the stars with me, i could use a big strong ponice officer to keep me safe?"
  29. >the ponice mare turns around
  30. "uhmm, ok sure why not, I can keep you very safe!"
  31. > she puffs out her chest with pride
  32. >the two of them spend some time star gazing
  33.  
  34.  
  35. >anon currently is currently cleaning his house cause the ponies threatened to condemn his house if he didn't
  36. >his house was according to him "not dirty at all"
  37. >the pony health inspector would have none of that and ordered him to do so, thanks to an anonymous tip by a concerned local [spoiler]twiggles[/spoiler]
  38. >damn horses don't fuck around
  39. >anon picked up some month old laundry that was in the corner of his bathroom
  40. >suddenly a fuck huge spider comes skittering out at the speed of sound
  41. >anon totally didn't scream [spoiler]like a bitch
  42. [/spoiler] as he in totally not [spoiler]deathly[/spoiler] afraid of spiders
  43. >while dropping the clothes and perching himself up onto the nearby toilet with a roll of toilet paper ready to throw at the spooder if it decides to strike, anon prepares himself for battle
  44. >it starts approaching the toilet cautiously
  45. >he takes that as a threat and he throws the roll of toilet paper at his enemy only to miss because he has the aim of an 80 year old man with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's
  46. >suddenly anon hears boss music https://youtu.be/JY39CBDJyXc
  47. >he knows that all is forlorn as he desperately searches for ammunition only to find he has left
  48. >the magnificently large and lethal spooder charges him at full glorious gallop to embrace anon in noble combat
  49. "I guess this is the hill I die on!"
  50. >anon says while shielding his face and averting his gaze, he expects the worse
  51. >teary eyed and dramatically anon says
  52. "give me a honorable death so I may enter Valhalla,and tell my friends I love them!"
  53. >*purring* anon feels something soft touching his head
  54. >anon looks up to the ceiling to see the spider nuzzling his head and purring
  55. >anon shits his pants while shrieking [spoiler]in a totally manly way[/spoiler] while [spoiler]running away[/spoiler] making a "tactical retreat" to the living room slamming the bathroom door behind him to buy himself time
  56. >anon hastily constructs a pillow fort using his couches and pillows from his room
  57. >anon overlooks his work with pride
  58. "it's beautiful. this fort shall henceforth be known as anons redoubt!"
  59. >the boss music picks back up again with a different track this time https://youtu.be/_Bi5C3oh1DU
  60. "OH NO YOU DON'T YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"
  61. >anon tucks himself away with a pan on his head and a broom stick in hand eyes blood shot
  62. >the music gets louder as the spider rounds the corner of the hallway leading into the living room
  63. >anon redying his broom stick in hand ready for battle
  64. "come get some!"
  65. >anon takes aim praying for true aim this time
  66. >the spider gallantly presses forward fearlessly
  67. >anon looses his broom upon the unstoppable death machine
  68. >and... misses again
  69. "what but how!?!"
  70. >anon wonders how he could miss a second time
  71. >this leaves little time for anon to react as his fort defenses are penetrated
  72. >anon seeing he has no other choice chooses to surrender
  73. "oh great noble enemy, i can no longer withstand your onslaught. what are your demands of my capitulation?"
  74. >the spider stops and tilts its head at anon, before offering a flower and giving anon a weird smile
  75. >anon confused says
  76. "so... you aren't going to bite me? or crawl all over me?"
  77. >the spider nods in agreement extending the flower closer
  78. "so you are a friendly spider?"
  79. >the spider nods yes
  80. >anon takes his former enemies peace offering
  81. "I... uhh... I'm sorry for over reacting im just scared of spiders"
  82. >the spider looks sympathetic and starts nuzzling anons hand while purring
  83. >anon slightly creeped out but also finding this adorable pets the spider
  84. "uh since we are all cool now, would you help me clean my house in exchange for food and continued residency?"
  85. >the spider nods vigorously
  86.  
  87. and that's how anon made a spider friend, overcame his fears, and managed to get extra help cleaning his house
  88.  
  89.  
  90. >anon appears around the time of the canterlot wedding
  91. >anon has to attend the wedding because he's already there so why not
  92. >he already suspects "cadence" of not being real
  93. >que chrysalis revealing herself
  94. > anon goes and says "I fucking knew it"
  95. >que pones saying "woah" about him being perceptive enough to know
  96. >anon then marches up to chryssi telling her to cut the shit or face the consequences of her actions
  97. >chryssi and the other pones are stunned by anons sudden aggression but chryssi not knowing anon antagonizes him with "oh yeah? what are you gonna do about it?"
  98. >chryssi can barely register what has happened as anon mercilessly thwacks her with a concealed carry newspaper he had stuffed in his jacket
  99. >anon is no pussy he is a /K/ommando so he carries irregardless of the laws
  100. >mane six +plus celly and moona look on in horror as they witness what is essentially jesus's crucifixion to the pones
  101. >anon asks chryssi if she's ready to cut her bullshit out after a solid minute of newspaper whipping
  102. >she says yes
  103. >anon picks her up tarzan style while making glorious ape noises to establish dominance
  104. >the real cantdance is returned safely and all is well afterwards
  105. >anons face when he earned an iron cross for his service
  106. I wrote this on a whim and i am currently drunk so yes its random also would bust a nut if someone ponified the spoilered image
  107.  
  108.  
  109. >/k/ommando anon during his initial introduction to poner society witnesses a pony get anvil get dropped on said poners head
  110. >anon being from erf freaks the fuck out thinking the pony is ded and panics
  111. >anon nearly shits himself when the pony just shakes the strike off like it was nothing
  112. >anon then calms down and really makes sure the pony is fine and gives the pony ear scratches
  113. >then the sudden realization of the kinder pones physics hits him like the anvil hitting that pony
  114. >anon could fucking die at any time due to a pony trying to prank him or due to a genuine accident
  115. >*straps helmet tighter and keeps head on a swivel while sweating loudly*
  116. >the ponies just think anon is being retarded and ask why he's acting the way he is
  117. >he tells them that what they consider to be pranks could kill him
  118. >the ponies don't believe him and think hes just trying to weasel his way out of getting pranked
  119. >anon makes it back to the golden oaks library after getting his tour around ponyville
  120. >during his tour the mane 6 revealed their most recent issue of ponk finding the mirror pool and creating a load of clones
  121. >they apparently haven't closed it off yet either
  122. >this gives anon an idea
  123. "twilight, I have some questions about the mirror pool?"
  124. >twilight eyes anon suspiciously
  125. >"I'll answer whatever you ask but i have my own question first... why are you asking about the mirror pool? you aren't going to pull a pinkie are you?"
  126. "No i'm not going to pull a pinkie, i'm just asking because I heard that the town hasn't closed it off yet and wanted to offer to close it up."
  127. >twilight instantly perked up
  128. >"oh well okay I guess, it will help ponyville out quite a bit if you were to close the entry way up. do you Know where it is located?"
  129. >after about 20 mins of talking with twiggles anon is on his way to the mirror pool with supplies to carry out his master plan
  130. >what anon does is he uses his /k/ommando camouflage skills to make a hidden door that covers the entryway to the pool but with a hidden lock on it
  131. >anon giggles to himself over the genius of his plan as he walks out of the mirror pool with a clone
  132. >he begins to walk back to ponyville explaining to the clone his master plan
  133. >"so what you are saying is that the sole reason i exist right now is to help prank some of your friends?
  134. "well in essence yes, but to also prove a point."
  135. >"ok but may i ask what kind of point is it that has to be proved with me rather than just talking to the ponies?"
  136. >this fucking clone
  137. "you will see when it happens, but for now i just need you to take my place for me."
  138. >the clone ponders for a second but hesitantly accepts "I do what you ask but what will i get out of this"
  139. >this sweet summer child assumes he's gonna live through this
  140. "Well uh, what would you like then?"
  141. >the clone thinks for a few seconds before replying
  142. >"I want guaranteed freedom to go an live elsewhere in equestria"
  143. >anon almost fails at not laughing which gets him a suspicious look from the clone
  144. "I'm sorry i just thought of something funny when you said what you said but yea sure I can agree to your request, lets shake on it?"
  145. >the clone misunderstanding what that meant started gyrating like a fucking idiot
  146. "no give me your hand"
  147. >the clone stops and does as requested
  148. "okay good now move your arm up and down"
  149. >the clone violently moves his arm up and down
  150. "jesus christ you have to be gentle"
  151. >it's been about a week since anon replaced himself with the clone the first few days were stressful as the clone almost outed himself
  152. >luckily for anons masterfull planing anon told the clone that he would meet him at sunset at the forests edge to teach him how to hyooman in exchange for food
  153. >anon is currently watching his clone and the pink poner, also known as pinkie pie according to the clone, stroll down the street from within a bush and sees the blue one also known as rainbow dash also according to the clone, setting up an anvil prank in the distance
  154. >everything is according to plan
  155. >anon watches as the clone gets his head caved in by said anvil
  156. >he watched as the color drained from pinkie pies face and her eyes went to pin pricks
  157. >rainbow dash literally shit and then collapsed in a minor seizure
  158. >its like pandora's box had been opened there are ponies running around screaming, some vomiting, and others fleeing the scene with their foals (?)
  159. >this succeeded in two thing
  160. >number one being that anon learns that he isn't affected by the ponies weird ass physics
  161. >and number two that getting an anvil dropped on his head would be super messy
  162. >those poor horses
  163. > anon now has to figure out how to unfuck the situation
  164. >he was expecting a lightning prank to take place but he guesses that this won't ever be forgotten and more than proves his point
  165. >anon decides that sneaking into golden oaks library and then explaining the situation to twilight would be the best course of action
  166.  
  167. >"H-H-HOW ARE YOU HERE ANON!?! Y-YOU LITERALLY D-D-DIED YESTERDAY!" twilight screams
  168. >being honest you don't blame her for screaming you'd be scared to if you saw what you thought to be the corpse of a friend and saw them perfectly fine walking around your home the next day
  169. "twilight its ok im the real anon the one that died was a mirror pool clone"
  170. >twilights mouth hits the floor hard enough to shake the entire library, then her expression turns to a very angry one
  171. >"YOU, USED, THE MIRROR POOL!!! WHEN YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TOO!?!? AND YOU ENDED UP SCARRING MY FRIENDS AND HALF OF PONYVILLE FOR LIFE ON TOP OF THAT!!!!!"
  172. >holy fuck this little horse can fucking scream
  173. "yes I know what your probably thinking but I want you to know that yes even though i lied about the mirror pool it was for a good reason"
  174. >Twiggles calms down just enough to here anon out
  175. >after an hour of anon talking to twilight every thing has been cleared up and anon and twiggles have made a plan for his reintroduction to ponyville
  176. >they are going to say that magic fixed anon an resurrected him
  177. >everything went smoothly but the poners still have nightmares of that day especially ponka poe and blue fast both of who /k/ommando became quite fond of
  178.  
  179.  
  180. >anons hair has been looking quite long during the horsedemic
  181. >decides he's gonna cut that shit himself
  182. >proceeds to do the front just fine by himself
  183. >ohshitineedtodothebacktoo.jpg
  184. >looks around the the treebrary to try and find a second mirror
  185. >filenotfound.png
  186. >mind you our majestic hero anon is completely naked except for a towel that barely wraps around his waist
  187. >decides fuck it imma ask purple dank
  188. "hey twiggles can you get the back of my hair?"
  189. >as soon as anon turns around the shitty fitting towel gives way and reveals his pale hairy ass to twilight
  190. >twiggles stands there stunned not knowing whether the gesture was l-lewd or an accidentally
  191. >anon attempts to grab the towel in time and fails miserably and ends up turning around like a whip and screeching
  192. "DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEE! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
  193. >anon runs back into the bathroom thoroughly mortified
  194. >Twiggles being so caught off guard cannot digest what had happened and ends up just going to the bathroom door and saying "a-anon I w-will be glad to help you cut your ma-HAIR"
  195. >anon still as red as a tomate lets her in and asks her
  196. "let's pretend that my towel falling didn't happen"
  197. >"ok anon I can do that, now where are the scissors?"
  198. >anon points her to the scissors
  199. >purple dank cuts his hair just fine and anons hair looks presentable again
  200. >the rest of the day is awkward with twiggles looking at his butt and blushing
  201. >anon just pretends he didn't see her doing that
  202.  
  203.  
  204. >anon wakes up one night after a loud bang permeates through his house at 1 am
  205. >anon is not happy at being awakened at such an ungodly hour
  206. >he grabs his trusty tactical assault spoon
  207. >proceeds to room clear like a true l33t 0p3r4t0r
  208. >gets to living room and sees a moving silhouette
  209. >raises tactical spoon operationally preparing to strike at any sudden movement he flips the light switch to on
  210. >it's fucking lyra
  211. >she has anon unwashed underwear
  212. >she is wearing his rankest underwear on her face with her snoot poking out the crotch hole, the rest on her back with one pair being worn like a pair of poner shorts with her tail sticking out the back
  213. "what the fuck?!" anon gasps
  214. >*lighting and angry sky noises in the distance*
  215. >lyra with out saying a word dances like pic related covered in anon's sweaty ball sack defiled underwear into the darkness of the night, out his front door like its a normal Tuesday at the market
  216. >anon stands there mouth agape in awe of what just transpired
  217. "Fucking ponies man, got to get me some actual locks."
  218. >*more angry sky noises and lightning*
  219. >anon glances towards the kitchen noticing the light is on
  220. "why are there chocolate chip cookies on my table?"
  221.  
  222. >what anon doesn't know is lyra is just Autistic and cannot into socialization
  223. >she's just trying to help anon out with some laundry, and a cookie bribe in order to woo him into courtship
  224. while "borrowing" a memento or two in order to remember him by, especially the undies that smell like concentrated anon she just like the smell for some reason and it makes her blush and giddy
  225. >she just knows once he sees how clean his undies look and smell he will have to say yes to a date
  226. >plus the cookies can't forget those they are to die for
  227.  
  228.  
  229. >>"aw sweet! you guys have crayons"
  230. >MUH-REEEEEEN anon says for the memes
  231. Sgt. Hayfield looks up at the local MUH-REEEEEEN with a big smile from ear to ear
  232. "of course we do! we can't have our soldiers being bored all the time now can we! If they were they would fall asleep and not be ready for an attack!"
  233. >"oh, I see, we had hurry up and wait tasks to keep us busy, like mopping up fields in the rain or trimming grass with nai-ehrm hoof clippers on the hottest day of the year, and mandatory fun I.e. boring parties that we had to go to and consume excessive amounts of alcohol whether we wanted to or not."
  234. Sgt. Hayfield gasps in horror
  235. "that sounds horrific how could you torture your own soldiers like that, Why would they make you drink floor cleaner that stuff is dangerous!?!?"
  236. >"because tradition my little poner, because tradition."
  237. Before Sgt. Hayfield could inquire any further MUH-REEEEEEEN anon cuts her off
  238. >"Speaking of traditions, We MUH-REEEEEENS have a very special tradition of which I'd be honored to share with you as one soldier to the next."
  239. Sgt. Hayfield's eyes go wide and she seemingly forgets about the former tidbit of military life MUH-REEEEEN anon described to her
  240. "OOOOOOOOOO what is it, what is it!? TELLL ME TELL ME!?"
  241. the little poner is stomping he little hoofsies in rapid succession and bouncing around everywhere.
  242. it is incredibly adorable, enough to make an normal mans heart melt.
  243. But sadly for MUH-REEEEEN anon he got his emotions hazed out of him inna bootcamp.
  244. >"it is an old sacred tradition of muh beloved corps that every MUH-REEEEEN goes through to be come a real MUH-REEEEEN, But first wee need several boxes of your finest flavored crayons"
  245. Sgt. Hayfield salutes
  246. "yes sir mr.anon sir!" and then scampers off to get them.
  247. as she scampers off MUH-REEEEN anon swells up with pride knowing
  248. that he's about to create the first equestrian MUH-REEEEEN

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