GREEN   214   0
   2454 13.66 KB    282

Wacky Races

By Greggums
Created: 2021-10-24 10:25:51
Expiry: Never
/flutterrape/mane 6ponyvillewacky races

  1. Originally Published March 31st, 2018
  2.  
  3. >The wind whips at your face as you stand atop the tallest hill in Ponyville
  4. >Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie flank your right side
  5. >Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack are on your left
  6. >You wished it didn't have to come to this
  7. I was hoping it would never have to come to this, girls...
  8. >As you talk, a handfull of other ponies begin to move in behind you
  9. >Some take places on either side of the Element Bearers
  10. >Others stand behind, ready to push you down when given the word
  11. >Everypony next to you, even Fluttershy, has a look of grim determination painted on their face
  12. >After all, today was the day that would finally determine who would be
  13. >Fucking you
  14.  
  15. -2 weeks prior
  16.  
  17. >"clunk clunk beep"
  18. What in the fuck?
  19. >Rolling out of bed, you look outside your bedroom window
  20. >It's the girls, again
  21. >Only this time, they're all sitting in what looks like...go-karts?
  22. >Throwing on a robe, you race downstairs and throw open the door
  23. >Sure enough, each pony is seated in their own little soap-box car
  24. >Slowly bumping into each other, and squeezing bike horns after each impact
  25. >"G-good morning, Anon! Are soap-box derbies your fetish?"
  26. What? OW!
  27. >Rainbow flaps her wings and steers, making her car bump into your shin
  28. >"Yeah! Twilight read about it in your journal and was all "WOW! Anon loves these car-things almost as much as I love my books! Maybe we should use them to see if he'll go out with one of us like I do with my books!"
  29. >"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight puffs up a bit in embarassment
  30. >"Oh please, Twilight, Rainbow isn't too far off the mark."
  31. >"Well yeah, but I don't date my books!...anymore."
  32. >Ah, this makes perfect-wait
  33. You were reading my diary?! What the h-
  34. >"Hey, this seems fun! What's everypony doing?"
  35. 1/
  36.  
  37. -2 weeks later
  38.  
  39. >And that was how Mayor Mare misinterpreted a potential vehicular gangbanging for a social call
  40. >And, after Twilight gave her the skinny on soapbox derbies, decided to make said potenital gangbanging into an open contest for a grand prize of 1000 bits to the winner
  41. >After she left, the girls then decided that whoever won first place would also get to be your marefriend
  42. >And then they scurried off in their little buggies, bumping and honking as they went
  43. >Which leads you to now
  44. >Everypony in the race is lining up at the starting line
  45. >The Mayor personally checks each cart to make sure there's no engines underneath the plywood
  46. >"Mr. Anon, why is there a duffle bag under your hood?"
  47. >Shit
  48. For...uh...balance! I'm a bit on the hefty side, and this makes sure I can turn without tipping over...heh.
  49. >She raises an eyebrow at you, then closes the hood
  50. >Taking a place on the podium, she speaks
  51. >"GOOOD MORNING EVERYPONY, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER PONYVILLE WACKY RACES!"
  52. >The crowd cheers in response
  53. >"THE GOAL IS SIMPLE: GET FROM THE TOP OF THIS HILL TO TOWN HALL, ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!"
  54. >She gestures at a tiny speck in the distance
  55. >Rarity pulls out her opera glasses and gasps
  56. >"AS FOR THE RULES: NO ENGINES, FLYING, TELEPORTATION, PROPULSION/REPULSION SPELLS, OR BITING IS ALLOWED DURING THE RACES. YOU MAY ONLY MOVE UNDER GRAVITY, OR YOUR OWN POWER!"
  57. Hehehe...
  58. >You tap the hood of your derby car, chuckling
  59. >"What's so funny, Anon? Did you bring a weddin' dress for me to wear when I win?"
  60. >Eugh
  61. No, AJ. I'm just glad to know I'm following the rules.
  62. >"Of course we have to follow the rules, silly-filly! Games aren't fun if somepony's cheating!"
  63. >You laugh again
  64. Oh if you only knew, Pinkie
  65. >Mayor Mare's voice booms over the crowd once more
  66. >"ON YOUR MARKS"
  67. >Everyone is pushed forward to the starting chock
  68. >"GET SET"
  69. >Rainbow spreads her wings
  70. >The sound of hooves clacking onto wood fills your ears
  71. >"GO!"
  72. >The chock is pulled, and the race begins
  73. 2/
  74.  
  75. >Your head jerks back as Big Mac forces your cart towards the drop
  76. >He didn't feel like breaking bread with you as family any time soon, so he was more than happy to stay your friend and help you beat his sister
  77. >With whiplash making you ignore how wrong that sounded, you do a quick glance to see where the girls are:
  78. >Pinkie and Rainbow are still at the start
  79. >"C'mon Gummy! We need to win!"
  80. >"HEY WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THE CARTS SO CLOSE TOGETHER!?"
  81. >AJ, Twi, and Rarity are a few paces behind you
  82. >Spike, Sweetie, and Applebloom were terrible pushers as it turned out
  83. >Which just leaves
  84. >"H-hi, Anon..."
  85. Fluttershy?
  86. >She's barely ahead of you by a nose
  87. >A very tired looking Scootaloo is on the ground behind her
  88. >"Does this mean we're married now?"
  89. Not on your life, Butterface.
  90. >You try to reach into your duffle
  91. >But gravity has other plans
  92. >Your hand, and the rest of your body, is forced back into your seat as you quickly gain speed down the hill
  93. >The ponies behind you scream with panicked joy
  94. >Fluttershy, meanwhile, is just plain screaming
  95. >With her hooves covering her face
  96. >Her cart starts to weave back and forth, threatening to flip over should she go any faster
  97. FLUTTERSHY! PUT YOUR HOOVES ON THE STEERING WHEEL!
  98. >"A-ANON?!"
  99. >Damn your natural sportsmanship!
  100. >She takes her arms from her face, just in time to veer away from a tree
  101. >Her cart smacks into Thunderlane, sending him out of bounds and out of the race
  102. >And also, irritatingly, putting her into the lead
  103. >Damn your natural sportsmanship...
  104. >Behind you, you hear the rest of the racers, but the girls most of all, growl in determination
  105. 3/
  106.  
  107. >Fwoomph
  108. >Fwoomph
  109. >You check your tires, thought none seem to have popped
  110. >Fwoomph
  111. What the hell is making that noise?
  112. >With another Fwoomph, you see the source
  113. >Rainbow Dash, wings spread, flapping next to you on her way to the lead
  114. Hey!
  115. >Reaching sideways, you smack her car
  116. Mayor said no flying!
  117. >Rainbow rolls her eyes back at you
  118. >"My wheels haven't left they ground, have they?"
  119. >Damn technicalities
  120. >"Don't be scared of me winning, Anon. I'll be gentle...at first."
  121. >With a wink,she flaps her wings again, catching up towards Fluttershy's rear bumper
  122. Oh hell no!
  123. >Top Cunt may be a bro, but she's the last mare you want on your dong
  124. >Next to the rest of the girls, anyway
  125. >Fighting gravity (seriously, how fucking tall is this hill), you reach into the duffle under your hood
  126. >You jangle about inside of the bag for a moment before pulling out your prize
  127. >A browned banana peel
  128. Hyup!
  129. >You chuck it down the hill ahead of you
  130. >hiWHAP
  131. >"MY EYES!"
  132. >Through your side mirror, you see Button Mash scrabbling at his face to peel the banana away
  133. >Then you hear him scream as his little boxy car rolls up into a tree
  134. Oh yeah, Mario Kart never had any wind...
  135. >You decide to save the rest of the banana peels for later
  136. >"Anon! You're cheating!", comes a cry from behind you
  137. It ain't cheating, Pinkie! No rules against it!
  138. >Your body slips down against the seat as the hill finally levels out to the ground
  139. 4/
  140.  
  141. >The cart rattles as you race towards the first turn
  142. >Fluttershy is sticking close to the inside, and has to make a sharp left to avoid crashing as she comes out of the turn
  143. >Rainbow angles her wings, diving from the outer wall to the inside stealing First from Fluttershy
  144. >Following Rainbow's lead, you squeak into second place
  145. Eat it, Shy! You'll never take my virginity!
  146. >"Yeah! That dock belongs to Rainbow Dash!"
  147. >Oh right, she's still ahead of you
  148. >You rummage in your bag again, but a crashing sound behind you takes your attention away
  149. >Looking back, you see a massive dust cloud
  150. >"MY MANE! THE HELMET DID NOTHING!", screams Rarity as she bolts off the track
  151. One down, five to g-
  152. >Loud organ music cuts you off
  153. https://youtu.be/-W7tpWZB4Rk [Embed]
  154. >Twilight crashes through Rarity's cart, the debris dispersing the dust cloud
  155. >"THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THE SECRETS OF ANIME, ANON!"
  156. >She rips a lever and drifts through the turn, sliding past Fluttershy and into second place alongside yourself
  157. >"AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS MUSIC, I'M UNBEATABLE! BADABADABDABDABADADA-"
  158. >She's not even siging the words to the song
  159. Quit singing the melody you fucking bagel!
  160. >You drop a turtle shell hoping to hit her, but she dips out of the way
  161. >Soarin isn't as lucky, however, and flips over a few times before landing in a bush by the track
  162. >The Mayor's office is still a ways off, and you've only taken out one suitor
  163. >It's time to step your game up.
  164. 5/
  165.  
  166. >"Why do you insist on calling me that!?"
  167. >It's hard to hear her over the music she's blaring, so you give a safe answer
  168. Because!
  169. >"That's not a real answer, Anon!"
  170. >Ignoring Twilight, you turn your focus to Rainbow Dash
  171. >She, above all the others, musn't be allowed to win
  172. >You can't fuck your bro
  173. Hey Rainbow!
  174. >"Whaddaya want?" She spreads her wings out a bit, slowing herself down but still maintaining a respectable distance between you
  175. >Going to need to play the psych card to get her to drop
  176. >You flick your throat to switch your voice for a moment
  177. My Dash! She ain't much but she's all I got!
  178. >"What?"
  179. I have a narrow urethra.
  180. >On cue, a large rainbow-maned stallion dives onto the track
  181. >Right into Rainbow's cart, taking Thunderlane out with them
  182. That's two down.
  183. >You round the next turn, devising how to take down the remaining girls
  184. 6/
  185.  
  186. >The current Race Standings
  187. >First Place: Yourself, Twilight
  188. >Second Place: Fluttershy
  189. >Third: Who cares
  190. >Retired: Rainbow, Rarity
  191. >The only two missing are Pinkie and AJ, whom you haven't seen since the start of the race
  192. >The wall in front of you explodes into rubble as a cart flies through it
  193. >"WOOHOO! THANKS GUMMY!"
  194. >Pinkie skitters and hops across the roadway before settling into First with you and Twilight
  195. Pinkie! You destroyed some dude's house!
  196. >"Yeah! Go into second place and I might pardon you when the race is over!"
  197. >Twilight smacks into Pinkie's cart
  198. >A pie to the face greets her in response
  199. >I'm willing to risk jail! I know Nonny will wait for me!"
  200. >The Mayor's Office is getting ever closer
  201. >Fuck planning
  202. I'm not waiting for any of you!
  203. >Grabbing your bag, you upend it onto the road around you
  204. >Rocks, turtle shells, and bananas are flung to and fro
  205. >The girls shriek as they duck and weave around the projectiles
  206. >And you manage to hit absolutely no one
  207. >If anything, you somehow managed to let Fluttershy close the gap between the four of you
  208. >"Th-thanks for the b-boost, Anon."
  209. I wasn't trying to do that.
  210. >"Yeah, he was trying to scare you fillies away so he could have a real mare!"
  211. Shut up, Twi.
  212. >"Anon, that is no way to talk to mah friends!", shouts a voice from behind you
  213. >It can't be
  214. >But turninng around, it is
  215. >A cart surrounded by a purple glow, with blue wings and orange legs poking out of the side
  216. >And from the front, a blue, a white, and an orange face arranged like a small tower
  217. >"Hiya Applejack!Hi Rainbow!Hi Rarity! That looks fun!"
  218. CHEATING! CHEATING!
  219. >"T'aint no rules against it, and you know it. I'm driving the cart by kicking, Rainbow is steering, and Rarity is holding it together. If only SOMEPONY hadn't sabotaged my wheels, I wouldn't have to be sharing you when I won."
  220. >You've seen this type of thing before in movies
  221. >Maybe it's an angle you can abuse
  222. Share me? But how could you possibly divide the time fairly?
  223. 7/
  224.  
  225. >The stack of ponies is quiet, save for the rapidfire kicks coming from AJ
  226. Well?
  227. >Then Rarity laughs
  228. >"Oh darling, you think we hadn't already worked that out?"
  229. >"We can take you whenever we want for a max of 2 hours per day each."
  230. >"Yeah, or we can kidnap you for a week if we let each other know in advance.", Rainbow adds, grinning.
  231. Shit.
  232. >AJ speeds up her kicks, bringing her team into first place alongside the rest of you
  233. >The Mayor's Office is only some hundred hards away
  234. >You know what must be done
  235. >Reaching into your bag, you pull out your final weapon
  236. >A flashbang grenade
  237. >"Anon, what are you doing?", one of the girls ask
  238. >Ignoring them you pull the pin, and toss it ahead of you
  239. ALL Y'ALL CAN EAT IT!
  240. >BANG
  241. >A bright flash fills your eyes, and you feel a cart smack into your side
  242. >Through the ringing, you can barely make out the girl's screams as they smack into each other and the walls nearby
  243. 8/
  244.  
  245. >Rarity's hold on the Applewagon falters, and the cart falls to pieces, sending a loose bolt into your tire
  246. >With a pop, it deflates and slows you to a stop
  247. >You lurch forward in your seat, still dazed from the grenade
  248. >From what little you can hear, no other carts are moving
  249. >Looking around, the girls are slowly climbing out of their totaled carts
  250. >"Ugh, my tummy..."
  251. Whew.
  252. >Nobody is able to cross the finish line
  253. >You've w-
  254. >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
  255. >A small, boxy cart falls from the sky, smacking into the street and skittering across the finish line
  256. >Mayor Mare's voice sounds off from the starting line
  257. >"AND THE WINNER OF PONYVILLE'S INAUGURAL DERBY AND 1000 BITS IS BUTTON MASH!"
  258. "WHAT!?", you and the girls scream in unison
  259. >Button looks shaken at first, but quickly cheers up when the bag of bits is plopped in his lap
  260. >"Wow, thanks!", he beams at the Mayor
  261. >Well shit, there goes redoing the locks on your house
  262. >You turn to the girls
  263. So, are you going to pull this kind of stunt on me again?
  264. >"No...", they sigh, looking dejected.
  265. Good. Now go home, I can tell we all need a nap.
  266. >The girls begin to head off to their homes, heads staring into the dirt
  267. >Fluttershy however, begins walking towards the stage
  268. Fluttershy? Your home's that way.
  269. >"I know. B-but since Button Mash got the mony, then second place gets you as a consolation prize," she says, barely louder than a whisper
  270. No I'm no-
  271. >You feel 5 streams of hot breath on your back
  272. >Then you feel the street as your legs are wept out from under you by five very passionate mares
  273.  
  274. >And so the Ponyville Soapbox Derby came to a close, with your prize being
  275. >Fucking Fluttershy
  276. >And Rarity
  277. >And Rainbow Dash
  278. >And Applejack
  279. >And Pinkie Pie
  280. >And Twilight Sparkle
  281. END
  282. 9

c: April Fool

by Greggums

Trixie's Machine

by Greggums

Delectable Scrotum

by Greggums

Fracture: The Breaking of the Shaft

by Greggums

Fracture: Anon in Zoo-Land

by Greggums