Old Request: Grand Larceny


                                            Originally Published February 26th, 2018


                                            >Day of Objections in Equestria

                                            >Be Anonymous

                                            "I'm 28, and I do odd jobs around Ponyville."

                                            >"Thank you Anonymous. Anonymous, would you say that you are a good person?"

                                            >George, the Griffin, does a slight twirl towards the jury as he says this.

                                            "I'd like to think so, sure."

                                            >You try hiding your nervousness as you turn towards the defense's desk thing.

                                            >Sitting there is your co-defendant, Spike, his red bowtie drenched in sweat.

                                            >And sitting there as well is your lawyer, Fluttershy.

                                            >"Well then, Anon, if you're the good person you claim to be then why are you sitting in this courtroom?!"

                                            >The whole courtroom gasps, and several jurors faint

                                            >Mayor Mare clamors for order as she tries to get her courtroom back under control.

                                            >You stay cool though, ignoring the theatrics going on around you

                                            "I'm sitting here because I was accused of a crime I did not commit."

                                            >George turns back to you

                                            >"Oh of course Mr. Nymous, but I would like it to be known to the court that the first step to admittance..."

                                            >A hush falls over the court as George freezes in place.

                                            >"...IS DENIAL!!" This concludes my opening statement, Your Honor.

                                            >Your eyes threaten to roll out of their sockets when you catch more jurors fainting, one of them clutching his chest as he goes down.

                                            >Fucking great, you think bitterly. This will do wonders for your case.

                                            >The Mayor is forced to call a brief recess to get things back under control.

                                            >You, your damp dragon "accomplice", and your lawyer are escorted to a waiting room while everything settles down.


                                            >"W-w-w-we're not gonna go to jail, are we Anon?"

                                            "Of course not, little man," you reassure him. "We're gonna be just fine."

                                            >You both turn to look at Fluttershy, who throws her forelegs up to hide her face when she catches you staring at her.

                                            >Unfortunately, she happened to be holding her case notes at the time, and ending up flinging them across the room.

                                            "Juuuust fine."

                                            >"Oh Celestia I'm not made for prison, Anon! I have a very addictive personality and give in to social pressure easily. I don't want to be somebody's bitch!"

                                            >"It's okay, Spike. I'll make sure the both of you get off just fine~~."

                                            >She says the last part with a wink.

                                            >Eugh.

                                            >You've tried getting Fluttershy replaced as your lawyer in the days leading up to the trial, even offering to defend yourself.

                                            >Sadly, the court didn't accept your collection of Ace Attorney fanfiction as valid legal experience.

                                            >Nor did they think her cocklust for you would represent a conflict of interest.

                                            >Plus, Nutterbutter was the only Public Defender willing to take your case, as everyone else considered your "crime" a gross mockery to their values.

                                            >All you know is that you were charged with "grand larceny", but you haven't the foggiest idea what your accuser thinks you've stolen.

                                            >An accuser you don't even know yet, thanks how to the law works here.

                                            >Sure, when you first got here you may have nabbed a cake or two to keep yourself from starving, but you paid them back in full once you got settled.

                                            >So what could it b-

                                            >You feel a tap on your shoulder from the security guard

                                            >"Defense, please proceed back to the courtroom."

                                            "Welp, lets get this over with."

                                            >The three of you walk back to your corner, with Flutterfingers chasing after a stray piece of paper that floated away from her notes.

                                            >A profound feeling of being fucked washes over you


                                            >The courtroom has finally gotten back under control, and Mayor Mare is staring at the three of you

                                            >"Where were we again...Ah, yes! The Prosecution delivered their opening statement. Defense, do you have a rebuttal?"

                                            >You quickly stand

                                            Your Honor, this is all just a misunderst-

                                            >The Mayor grabs her gavel and shakingly points it at you

                                            >"NOT YOU YOU FILTHY LIAR YOUR ATTORNEY", she shrieks in a mix of rage and fear

                                            >'What the fuck is wrong with the legal system here?', you think as you sit back down and Flutters heads before the judge

                                            >"T-thank you, Your Honor."

                                            >"Fillies and Gentlecolts, my dear, sweet, beloved Anonymous couldn't possibly have committed the crimes you accuse him of! He's entirely dependent on my love to survive! I have to check in on him every morning to make sure he's still alive, a-"

                                            >She drones on for what feels like hours about how she "cares" for you, and you can feel your anger grow as she goes on.

                                            >"...and then we'll be buried in my family's plot, thank you."

                                            >She comes back to the desk and sits down besides Spike.

                                            >"O-oh, and Spike is also in-"

                                            >"-In big trouble with the law, yes we know" the Mayor interjects; "George, please call the Plaintiff to the stand."

                                            >"With pleasure," George cooed as he began spinning in place

                                            >Like a ton of bricks being your fetish, the realization that this twirling retard will decide your fate hits you hard in all the wrong ways.

                                            >"...The Prosecution calls Applejack to the stand, Your Honor."

                                            >OrangeSerious made her way to the stand, shooting you and Spike a disappointed look as she moved across the room.

                                            >You are confused; what could you have possibly larcened, larcenied...stoleded from AJ?

                                            >The only thing she owned worth more than a handful of bits was her hat, which was firmly planted on her head.

                                            >Everything else was too big or heavy to move by hand.

                                            >"Now, Ms. Lejack, would you please state your name and occupation?"

                                            >"Name's Applejack, and Ahm a farmer by trade."

                                            >"MMMMMMMMMhmmmMM. Now, how do you know the Defen-SQAK"

                                            >A lasso flies out from the witness stand and closes George's beak on his tongue

                                            Thank fucking god.

                                            >"Now look here Mr Law-Feathers," Aj drawled, "Ahm not here to waste time on what don't matter. Anonymous there stole a new type of carrot Ah was growing, and Ah have photo proof of it."

                                            >She tosses a video tape to the Bailiff as she says this, and he places the tape into the nearby VCR player.

                                            >The video shows what looks like a quiet night on the farm.

                                            >"Skip ahead, it's near midnight when he stole it."

                                            >Skipping ahead, the Bailiff finds the scene in question.

                                            >On the projector screen, you see a bipedal figure lumber into the frame, grab some carrots, and walk away.

                                            >"Anonymous!" Fluttershy and Spike exclaim in shock

                                            >The courtroom erupts into a frenzy once more

                                            >AJ starts menacingly twirling a lasso towards you, but she gets shut down by the Bailiff.

                                            >You're stuck staring at the screen, and only one thought is coming to mind:

                                            >These ponies are fucking retarded


                                            "You ponies are fucking retarded."

                                            >"Anonymous, I will have no swearing in my courtroom."

                                            No, fuck you, that is not me on that tape.

                                            >George managed to free himself during th clamor

                                            >"Do you mean to thay that thith video ith a forgery?"

                                            No, AJ wouldn't stoop to doing that. But that is not me on that tape.

                                            >"B-but Anon, i-it is you! P-plain as d-EEP!"

                                            >You shoot a glare at Fluttershy, walk towards the screen, and jab at the figure on the screen

                                            This is a fucking gorilla, you dumbasses.

                                            >The courtroom goes silent for an uncomfortably long time, looking at you, then the gorilla

                                            >Then at the gorilla, then at you

                                            >"Huh. Well, Anonymous, Ah guess that was mah mistake. You two do look like twins though."

                                            >You're about as pale as green milk on green snow, but you decide not to risk your victory by chimping out.

                                            "Thank you. Does this mean Spike and I are free to go?"

                                            >"You? Yes. Spike? No. We have to fill our quota this month. I hereby sentence him to 10 years, with a chance of parole after 115 months. This court is now adjourned."

                                            >As the gavel bangs the case to a close, everypony comes up to congratulate you and shake your hand

                                            >Spike makes a break for it while everyone is distracted, and gets about 5 feet away before being tased.

                                            >"AAAAAAAAAAAAH"

                                            Spike! Hey man, that's not co-

                                            >Your path towards him is blocked by AJ, her hat in her hoof

                                            >"Say Anon, hows about Ah make this up to you over dinner? Ah feel awful bad about all this, and Ah'd do *anything* to make it up to ya."

                                            >She flutters her eyes in that awkward farmgirl fashion

                                            >Eh. You'll send him a cake with a file in it once he gets committed.

                                            >Today was a turnabout kind of day