BOOM


                                            Originally Published November 4th, 2018


                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Wake up

                                            >Do the Quadruple-S

                                            >Shit, Shower, Shave

                                            >and Sob

                                            >Why sob? Because for years now, Twilight Sparkle has been using every trick in the book to try and get in your pants

                                            >That book being an even more demented horse-version of Cosmo

                                            >Replete with its own brand of whacky sex tips guaranteed to woo any stallion!

                                            >That is, any stallion with an absolute dearth of dignity

                                            >Sadly, you do have some dignity, so you curl yourself into a tight ball on the floor of the shower as you sob

                                            Why, Celestia? Why me?

                                            >"Because I love you, that's why!", a certain purple voice excitedly whispers in your ear

                                            "DAW GAAAAAH!", you scream as you flail out wildly, making the shower curtain fall on you

                                            TWILIGHT! GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM!

                                            >"Don't worry, I'm not in the bathroom with you."

                                            >You peep out from under the curtain

                                            >Sure enough, the only creature in the room is you

                                            >At least, the only creature you can see

                                            Twilight, did you shrink yourself again? Did you forget the last time you tried that?

                                            >You hear Twilight let out a fearful shudder

                                            >"I don't think I could forget that if I tried. But nope! No shrinking!"

                                            >You stand, letting the curtain fall off you to the floor

                                            Then...where are you?

                                            >A playful giggle dances on your ear, making you nervous

                                            >"Come and find me, big boy~!"

                                            1/


                                            >You walk downstairs into the kitchen and scan the area

                                            >No purple princesses in sight

                                            Twilight, you know I'm gonna kick you out of my house as soon as I find you, right?

                                            >"Oh, I doubt that very much. And keep searching! You're getting warmer~."

                                            Ugh.

                                            >You take a stomping tour of your kitchen, hoping Twi'll bang her head on whatever cabinet she's inside of

                                            >"Wa-wait! Go two stomps back!", she cries

                                            >Obliging her, you go backwards two stomps and stop next to your garage door

                                            >"I'm behind the door, stud."

                                            >Pushing the door open, you step inside

                                            >Nothing looks out of the ordinary from what you can see, and you know for a fact that there's nothing large enough for her to hide inside of

                                            Twilight? Where are you?

                                            >Her voice responds, louder this time

                                            >"Oh come on, Anon! Where's the fun in just telling you where I am?"

                                            The fun is in getting you out of my house.

                                            >"Sure," She titters, "but before that, why not have a snack? I left you a surprise on your workbench!"

                                            A surprise?

                                            >Cautiously, you make your way over to the bench

                                            >A hayburger is resting on top of the worksurface

                                            I'm gonna eat this and pass out, and then you're gonna rape me, aren't you?

                                            >"Come on, pick up the burger and take a bite, Anon, you're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge."

                                            >You give a final look around, making sure that Twilight isn't hanging on the ceiling or some bullshit

                                            >Then, carefully, you grab a screwdriver and turn the burger around to check for a trip wire

                                            >Only to find something much, much worse

                                            2/


                                            https://i.imgur.com/0F6nBVC.png


                                            >"I turned myself into a burger, Anon! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a burger! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a burger! W-w-what are you just staring at me for, hot stuff, I turned myself into a burger, Anon."

                                            >You glare at Twilight

                                            >She beams back at you

                                            >"I'M BURGER TWIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

                                            >You pick her up, gently, and carry her out of the garage

                                            >"I see the Cosmo tip is working! Where are we going: the bedroom? Or do you plan to ravish me in the kitchen you sexy beast?"

                                            "It depends," you reply. "Can you still use your magic?"

                                            >Burger Twi chuckles "Oh my, I didn't know you were so lewd~~. I can do anything you want me to, Anon."

                                            >You feel what you hope is grease start running down your fingers from out of her patty

                                            Well in that case!

                                            >You throw open the back door and set her on the porch

                                            >"Anon?"

                                            Have fun fighting off the possums!

                                            >You shut the door and turn the bolt

                                            >"ANON WAIT! POSSUMS ARE ALLERGIC TO HAYBURGERS!"

                                            >You head back upstairs to finish your sobbing

                                            >Today was a wubba lubba kind of dub dub day

                                            /3