1992 11.1 KB 242
[REQUEST] Clever Dick - Luck
By NebulusCreated: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 12:20:10
Expiry: Never
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Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 27th, 2013
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Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request.
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>Anon has implausible luck.
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>He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences.
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>e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock.
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Think you could do anything with this?
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>Implausible Luck
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Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can.
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>Day Fortune in Equestria
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>Wake up
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>Shit shower shave
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>Walk downstairs to get some breakfast
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>Pour cereal into a bowl
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>Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out
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Well damn. That was lucky.
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>Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck.
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>Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind
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>You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger
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>Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out
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>Your hair is just the way you like it
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>Again.
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>Without any effort on your part.
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>Open the front door
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>The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door
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>Pick it up
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>Read it
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>"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'"
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Oh ok then.
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>Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits
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>Stroll out the front door and lock it
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>Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville
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>Sigh
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This... This is what I needed in life.
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>Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning.
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>Something catches your eye
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>Look down
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>A single bit is lying in the grass
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>Grin
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Hello there.
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>Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it
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Heh.
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>Notice another bit a short distance away
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>Raise an eyebrow and look around
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>No one else has seen it
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>Walk over and pick that one up as well
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>Yet another bit after that one
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>Follow a trail of bits along the ground
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>No one has noticed them, just you
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>Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money
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>You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway
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>Wait...
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>Oh god
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>Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house
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>Fluttershy stands over you, smiling
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>"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!"
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>Growl at her
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>"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!"
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>She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid
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>A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor
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>It hisses when it touches the ground
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>Gulp
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Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now
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>"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..."
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>She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you
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>You clamp your eyes shut
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>Just then, a window above you opens
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>"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!"
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>"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!"
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>A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open
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>Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head
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>Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating
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>The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail
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>The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again
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>You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you
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>Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck
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>Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket
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>Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy
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I'll consider this payment for my injuries.
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>Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency
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>35 bits
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>She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself
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>Today is turning out to be a fine day
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>You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth
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>This small victory calls for a cupcake
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>You head on over to Sugarcube Corner
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>Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter
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>Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you
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>Ha. Bitch, please.
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>You slam down your bits and grin at her
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I wanna cupcake.
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>"Sure thing, Annie!"
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Don't call me that.
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>She bounces off to the backroom while you wait
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>Turn around and look around the shop
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>Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies.
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>Soon you shall join their ranks
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>And all will fall before you
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>Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns
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>She hands you a cupcake
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>It's awe-inspiring
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>She even put a candle in it
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>Try and hold back your tears of joy
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T-thanks, Ponko.
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>"No problem, Annie!"
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Don't call me that.
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>You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store.
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>Gotta be responsible with money, these days
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>You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily
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>Nothing could ruin this day
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>Not one thing
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>You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact
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>Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen.
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>See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then-
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>While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor
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>Damn this bitch hits hard
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>Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head
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>You push her off
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>She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up
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God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that.
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>Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again
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>Now the liquid inside comes in blue!
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>She screams and charges at you
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>"YOU WILL TAKE TH-"
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>She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor
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>She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning
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>The needle flies into the air
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>You watch it with an amused expression
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>It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first
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>And lands straight in her shoulder
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>The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling
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>Her eyes roll up and she passes out
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>You look around
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>Grin
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Now now, Fluttershy.
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>You turn away from her
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Get to the point.
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>Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you.
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>The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house
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>It's a nice silence.
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>No Fluttershy to annoy you
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>Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed
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>You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh
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>It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep.
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>Nor does it take you very long to wake up
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>It's the dead of night
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>You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling
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>And your limbs are secured to the bed
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Oh for fucks sake.
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>Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips
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>"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!"
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>You consider what's about to happen
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>Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it
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>Sigh
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Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it.
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>She giggles
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>"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..."
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>She leans in to kiss you
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>You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle.
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> - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY -
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>You are commander Yeir
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>Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster
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For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO.
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>Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face
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>"But what if we get attacked, sir?"
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We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about.
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>"But, like, what if we do?"
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I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing.
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>You turn away and look out of the window of the control room
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>You're on an asteroid
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>Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of
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>The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power.
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>Just point it at a target and it's gone
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>And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you
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>Look at him
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>He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles
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>Slap him
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Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake.
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>"Sorry, boss."
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That's 'Commander', whelp.
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>"Sorry, Commander whelp."
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>Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message
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>Turn away from Jim to answer it
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>While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button
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>He presses it.
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>"Whoops."
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>You hear the entire asteroid shudder
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>Slowly turn around
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>Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy
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WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!
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>"W-well we're here to test it, right?"
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WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?!
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>"I dunno. Some random dark area of space"
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>You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light
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>The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk
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>By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one
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>It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation
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>The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction
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>It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure
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>The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet
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>The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet
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>It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off
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>The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half
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>A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot
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>There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme
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>You are Anon
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>Fluttershy has finished making out with you
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>It tasted like animal food
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>You hold back the urge to throw up
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>"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!"
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>She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth
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>Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed
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>A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings
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>You undo your other arm then your legs
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>Get off the bed
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>Look down at Fluttershy
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>Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down
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>Open the front door
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>Throw her outside
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>Walk back inside
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>Get into bed
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>Stare at the broken window
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>Wonder what caused it
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>Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool
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>You'll sort it out tomorrow
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>For now though, you need sleep
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>You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass
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>A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep
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Fucking Lady Luck
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The End
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus