GREEN   42    1992   11.17 KB

[REQUEST] Clever Dick - Luck

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 06:26:08 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 27th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request.
  5.  
  6. >Anon has implausible luck.
  7. >He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences.
  8. >e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock.
  9.  
  10. Think you could do anything with this?
  11.  
  12. --------------------------
  13.  
  14. >Implausible Luck
  15. Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can.
  16.  
  17. --------------------------
  18.  
  19. >Day Fortune in Equestria
  20. >Wake up
  21. >Shit shower shave
  22. >Walk downstairs to get some breakfast
  23. >Pour cereal into a bowl
  24. >Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out
  25. Well damn. That was lucky.
  26. >Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck.
  27. >Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind
  28. >You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger
  29. >Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out
  30. >Your hair is just the way you like it
  31. >Again.
  32. >Without any effort on your part.
  33. >Open the front door
  34. >The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door
  35. >Pick it up
  36. >Read it
  37. >"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'"
  38. Oh ok then.
  39. >Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits
  40. >Stroll out the front door and lock it
  41. >Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville
  42. >Sigh
  43. This... This is what I needed in life.
  44. >Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning.
  45. >Something catches your eye
  46. >Look down
  47. >A single bit is lying in the grass
  48. >Grin
  49. Hello there.
  50.  
  51. 1/?
  52.  
  53. >Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it
  54. Heh.
  55. >Notice another bit a short distance away
  56. >Raise an eyebrow and look around
  57. >No one else has seen it
  58. >Walk over and pick that one up as well
  59. >Yet another bit after that one
  60. >Follow a trail of bits along the ground
  61. >No one has noticed them, just you
  62. >Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money
  63. >You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway
  64. >Wait...
  65. >Oh god
  66. >Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house
  67. >Fluttershy stands over you, smiling
  68. >"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!"
  69. >Growl at her
  70. >"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!"
  71. >She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid
  72. >A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor
  73. >It hisses when it touches the ground
  74. >Gulp
  75. Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now
  76. >"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..."
  77. >She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you
  78. >You clamp your eyes shut
  79. >Just then, a window above you opens
  80. >"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!"
  81. >"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!"
  82. >A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open
  83. >Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head
  84. >Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating
  85. >The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail
  86. >The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again
  87. >You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you
  88.  
  89. 2/?
  90.  
  91. >Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck
  92. >Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket
  93. >Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy
  94. I'll consider this payment for my injuries.
  95. >Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency
  96. >35 bits
  97. >She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself
  98. >Today is turning out to be a fine day
  99. >You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth
  100. >This small victory calls for a cupcake
  101. >You head on over to Sugarcube Corner
  102. >Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter
  103. >Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you
  104. >Ha. Bitch, please.
  105. >You slam down your bits and grin at her
  106. I wanna cupcake.
  107. >"Sure thing, Annie!"
  108. Don't call me that.
  109. >She bounces off to the backroom while you wait
  110. >Turn around and look around the shop
  111. >Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies.
  112. >Soon you shall join their ranks
  113. >And all will fall before you
  114. >Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns
  115. >She hands you a cupcake
  116. >It's awe-inspiring
  117. >She even put a candle in it
  118. >Try and hold back your tears of joy
  119. T-thanks, Ponko.
  120. >"No problem, Annie!"
  121. Don't call me that.
  122. >You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store.
  123. >Gotta be responsible with money, these days
  124.  
  125. 3/?
  126.  
  127. >You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily
  128. >Nothing could ruin this day
  129. >Not one thing
  130. >You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact
  131. >Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen.
  132. >See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then-
  133. >While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor
  134. >Damn this bitch hits hard
  135. >Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head
  136. >You push her off
  137. >She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up
  138. God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that.
  139. >Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again
  140. >Now the liquid inside comes in blue!
  141. >She screams and charges at you
  142. >"YOU WILL TAKE TH-"
  143. >She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor
  144. >She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning
  145. >The needle flies into the air
  146. >You watch it with an amused expression
  147. >It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first
  148. >And lands straight in her shoulder
  149. >The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling
  150. >Her eyes roll up and she passes out
  151. >You look around
  152. >Grin
  153. Now now, Fluttershy.
  154. >You turn away from her
  155. Get to the point.
  156. >Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you.
  157.  
  158. 4/?
  159.  
  160. >The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house
  161. >It's a nice silence.
  162. >No Fluttershy to annoy you
  163. >Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed
  164. >You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh
  165. >It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep.
  166.  
  167. >Nor does it take you very long to wake up
  168. >It's the dead of night
  169. >You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling
  170. >And your limbs are secured to the bed
  171. Oh for fucks sake.
  172. >Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips
  173. >"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!"
  174. >You consider what's about to happen
  175. >Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it
  176. >Sigh
  177. Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it.
  178. >She giggles
  179. >"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..."
  180. >She leans in to kiss you
  181. >You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle.
  182.  
  183. 5/?
  184.  
  185. > - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY -
  186. >You are commander Yeir
  187. >Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster
  188. For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO.
  189. >Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face
  190. >"But what if we get attacked, sir?"
  191. We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about.
  192. >"But, like, what if we do?"
  193. I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing.
  194. >You turn away and look out of the window of the control room
  195. >You're on an asteroid
  196. >Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of
  197. >The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power.
  198. >Just point it at a target and it's gone
  199. >And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you
  200. >Look at him
  201. >He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles
  202. >Slap him
  203. Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake.
  204. >"Sorry, boss."
  205. That's 'Commander', whelp.
  206. >"Sorry, Commander whelp."
  207. >Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message
  208. >Turn away from Jim to answer it
  209. >While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button
  210. >He presses it.
  211. >"Whoops."
  212. >You hear the entire asteroid shudder
  213. >Slowly turn around
  214. >Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy
  215. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!
  216. >"W-well we're here to test it, right?"
  217. WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?!
  218. >"I dunno. Some random dark area of space"
  219. >You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light
  220.  
  221. 6/?
  222.  
  223. >The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk
  224. >By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one
  225. >It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation
  226. >The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction
  227. >It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure
  228. >The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet
  229. >The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet
  230. >It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off
  231. >The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half
  232. >A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot
  233. >There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme
  234.  
  235. 7/?
  236.  
  237. >You are Anon
  238. >Fluttershy has finished making out with you
  239. >It tasted like animal food
  240. >You hold back the urge to throw up
  241. >"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!"
  242. >She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth
  243. >Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed
  244. >A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings
  245. >You undo your other arm then your legs
  246. >Get off the bed
  247. >Look down at Fluttershy
  248. >Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down
  249. >Open the front door
  250. >Throw her outside
  251. >Walk back inside
  252. >Get into bed
  253. >Stare at the broken window
  254. >Wonder what caused it
  255. >Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool
  256. >You'll sort it out tomorrow
  257. >For now though, you need sleep
  258. >You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass
  259. >A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep
  260. Fucking Lady Luck
  261.  
  262. 8/8
  263. The End
Request

[MOONDAY] Infestation Investigation

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Friendly Competition

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Under The Bed

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Somehow More Thread Shorts

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Lovemare Fluttershy

by Nebulus