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[REQUEST] Clever Dick - Luck

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 12:20:10
Expiry: Never
anonfluttershysafecomedy/flutterrape/

  1. 1.
    Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 27th, 2013
  2. 2.
    ---
  3. 3.
     
  4. 4.
    Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request.
  5. 5.
     
  6. 6.
    >Anon has implausible luck.
  7. 7.
    >He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences.
  8. 8.
    >e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock.
  9. 9.
     
  10. 10.
    Think you could do anything with this?
  11. 11.
     
  12. 12.
    --------------------------
  13. 13.
     
  14. 14.
    >Implausible Luck
  15. 15.
    Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can.
  16. 16.
     
  17. 17.
    --------------------------
  18. 18.
     
  19. 19.
    >Day Fortune in Equestria
  20. 20.
    >Wake up
  21. 21.
    >Shit shower shave
  22. 22.
    >Walk downstairs to get some breakfast
  23. 23.
    >Pour cereal into a bowl
  24. 24.
    >Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out
  25. 25.
    Well damn. That was lucky.
  26. 26.
    >Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck.
  27. 27.
    >Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind
  28. 28.
    >You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger
  29. 29.
    >Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out
  30. 30.
    >Your hair is just the way you like it
  31. 31.
    >Again.
  32. 32.
    >Without any effort on your part.
  33. 33.
    >Open the front door
  34. 34.
    >The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door
  35. 35.
    >Pick it up
  36. 36.
    >Read it
  37. 37.
    >"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'"
  38. 38.
    Oh ok then.
  39. 39.
    >Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits
  40. 40.
    >Stroll out the front door and lock it
  41. 41.
    >Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville
  42. 42.
    >Sigh
  43. 43.
    This... This is what I needed in life.
  44. 44.
    >Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning.
  45. 45.
    >Something catches your eye
  46. 46.
    >Look down
  47. 47.
    >A single bit is lying in the grass
  48. 48.
    >Grin
  49. 49.
    Hello there.
  50. 50.
    >Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it
  51. 51.
    Heh.
  52. 52.
    >Notice another bit a short distance away
  53. 53.
    >Raise an eyebrow and look around
  54. 54.
    >No one else has seen it
  55. 55.
    >Walk over and pick that one up as well
  56. 56.
    >Yet another bit after that one
  57. 57.
    >Follow a trail of bits along the ground
  58. 58.
    >No one has noticed them, just you
  59. 59.
    >Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money
  60. 60.
    >You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway
  61. 61.
    >Wait...
  62. 62.
    >Oh god
  63. 63.
    >Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house
  64. 64.
    >Fluttershy stands over you, smiling
  65. 65.
    >"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!"
  66. 66.
    >Growl at her
  67. 67.
    >"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!"
  68. 68.
    >She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid
  69. 69.
    >A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor
  70. 70.
    >It hisses when it touches the ground
  71. 71.
    >Gulp
  72. 72.
    Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now
  73. 73.
    >"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..."
  74. 74.
    >She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you
  75. 75.
    >You clamp your eyes shut
  76. 76.
    >Just then, a window above you opens
  77. 77.
    >"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!"
  78. 78.
    >"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!"
  79. 79.
    >A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open
  80. 80.
    >Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head
  81. 81.
    >Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating
  82. 82.
    >The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail
  83. 83.
    >The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again
  84. 84.
    >You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you
  85. 85.
    >Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck
  86. 86.
    >Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket
  87. 87.
    >Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy
  88. 88.
    I'll consider this payment for my injuries.
  89. 89.
    >Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency
  90. 90.
    >35 bits
  91. 91.
    >She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself
  92. 92.
    >Today is turning out to be a fine day
  93. 93.
    >You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth
  94. 94.
    >This small victory calls for a cupcake
  95. 95.
    >You head on over to Sugarcube Corner
  96. 96.
    >Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter
  97. 97.
    >Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you
  98. 98.
    >Ha. Bitch, please.
  99. 99.
    >You slam down your bits and grin at her
  100. 100.
    I wanna cupcake.
  101. 101.
    >"Sure thing, Annie!"
  102. 102.
    Don't call me that.
  103. 103.
    >She bounces off to the backroom while you wait
  104. 104.
    >Turn around and look around the shop
  105. 105.
    >Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies.
  106. 106.
    >Soon you shall join their ranks
  107. 107.
    >And all will fall before you
  108. 108.
    >Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns
  109. 109.
    >She hands you a cupcake
  110. 110.
    >It's awe-inspiring
  111. 111.
    >She even put a candle in it
  112. 112.
    >Try and hold back your tears of joy
  113. 113.
    T-thanks, Ponko.
  114. 114.
    >"No problem, Annie!"
  115. 115.
    Don't call me that.
  116. 116.
    >You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store.
  117. 117.
    >Gotta be responsible with money, these days
  118. 118.
    >You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily
  119. 119.
    >Nothing could ruin this day
  120. 120.
    >Not one thing
  121. 121.
    >You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact
  122. 122.
    >Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen.
  123. 123.
    >See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then-
  124. 124.
    >While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor
  125. 125.
    >Damn this bitch hits hard
  126. 126.
    >Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head
  127. 127.
    >You push her off
  128. 128.
    >She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up
  129. 129.
    God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that.
  130. 130.
    >Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again
  131. 131.
    >Now the liquid inside comes in blue!
  132. 132.
    >She screams and charges at you
  133. 133.
    >"YOU WILL TAKE TH-"
  134. 134.
    >She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor
  135. 135.
    >She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning
  136. 136.
    >The needle flies into the air
  137. 137.
    >You watch it with an amused expression
  138. 138.
    >It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first
  139. 139.
    >And lands straight in her shoulder
  140. 140.
    >The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling
  141. 141.
    >Her eyes roll up and she passes out
  142. 142.
    >You look around
  143. 143.
    >Grin
  144. 144.
    Now now, Fluttershy.
  145. 145.
    >You turn away from her
  146. 146.
    Get to the point.
  147. 147.
    >Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you.
  148. 148.
    >The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house
  149. 149.
    >It's a nice silence.
  150. 150.
    >No Fluttershy to annoy you
  151. 151.
    >Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed
  152. 152.
    >You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh
  153. 153.
    >It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep.
  154. 154.
     
  155. 155.
    >Nor does it take you very long to wake up
  156. 156.
    >It's the dead of night
  157. 157.
    >You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling
  158. 158.
    >And your limbs are secured to the bed
  159. 159.
    Oh for fucks sake.
  160. 160.
    >Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips
  161. 161.
    >"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!"
  162. 162.
    >You consider what's about to happen
  163. 163.
    >Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it
  164. 164.
    >Sigh
  165. 165.
    Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it.
  166. 166.
    >She giggles
  167. 167.
    >"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..."
  168. 168.
    >She leans in to kiss you
  169. 169.
    >You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle.
  170. 170.
     
  171. 171.
    > - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY -
  172. 172.
    >You are commander Yeir
  173. 173.
    >Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster
  174. 174.
    For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO.
  175. 175.
    >Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face
  176. 176.
    >"But what if we get attacked, sir?"
  177. 177.
    We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about.
  178. 178.
    >"But, like, what if we do?"
  179. 179.
    I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing.
  180. 180.
    >You turn away and look out of the window of the control room
  181. 181.
    >You're on an asteroid
  182. 182.
    >Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of
  183. 183.
    >The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power.
  184. 184.
    >Just point it at a target and it's gone
  185. 185.
    >And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you
  186. 186.
    >Look at him
  187. 187.
    >He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles
  188. 188.
    >Slap him
  189. 189.
    Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake.
  190. 190.
    >"Sorry, boss."
  191. 191.
    That's 'Commander', whelp.
  192. 192.
    >"Sorry, Commander whelp."
  193. 193.
    >Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message
  194. 194.
    >Turn away from Jim to answer it
  195. 195.
    >While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button
  196. 196.
    >He presses it.
  197. 197.
    >"Whoops."
  198. 198.
    >You hear the entire asteroid shudder
  199. 199.
    >Slowly turn around
  200. 200.
    >Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy
  201. 201.
    WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!
  202. 202.
    >"W-well we're here to test it, right?"
  203. 203.
    WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?!
  204. 204.
    >"I dunno. Some random dark area of space"
  205. 205.
    >You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light
  206. 206.
    >The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk
  207. 207.
    >By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one
  208. 208.
    >It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation
  209. 209.
    >The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction
  210. 210.
    >It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure
  211. 211.
    >The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet
  212. 212.
    >The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet
  213. 213.
    >It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off
  214. 214.
    >The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half
  215. 215.
    >A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot
  216. 216.
    >There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme
  217. 217.
    >You are Anon
  218. 218.
    >Fluttershy has finished making out with you
  219. 219.
    >It tasted like animal food
  220. 220.
    >You hold back the urge to throw up
  221. 221.
    >"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!"
  222. 222.
    >She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth
  223. 223.
    >Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed
  224. 224.
    >A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings
  225. 225.
    >You undo your other arm then your legs
  226. 226.
    >Get off the bed
  227. 227.
    >Look down at Fluttershy
  228. 228.
    >Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down
  229. 229.
    >Open the front door
  230. 230.
    >Throw her outside
  231. 231.
    >Walk back inside
  232. 232.
    >Get into bed
  233. 233.
    >Stare at the broken window
  234. 234.
    >Wonder what caused it
  235. 235.
    >Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool
  236. 236.
    >You'll sort it out tomorrow
  237. 237.
    >For now though, you need sleep
  238. 238.
    >You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass
  239. 239.
    >A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep
  240. 240.
    Fucking Lady Luck
  241. 241.
     
  242. 242.
    The End

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