[REQUEST] Clever Dick - Luck


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 27th, 2013

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                                            Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request.


                                            >Anon has implausible luck.

                                            >He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences.

                                            >e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock.


                                            Think you could do anything with this?


                                            --------------------------


                                            >Implausible Luck

                                            Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can.


                                            --------------------------


                                            >Day Fortune in Equestria

                                            >Wake up

                                            >Shit shower shave

                                            >Walk downstairs to get some breakfast

                                            >Pour cereal into a bowl

                                            >Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out

                                            Well damn. That was lucky.

                                            >Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck.

                                            >Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind

                                            >You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger

                                            >Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out

                                            >Your hair is just the way you like it

                                            >Again.

                                            >Without any effort on your part.

                                            >Open the front door

                                            >The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door

                                            >Pick it up

                                            >Read it

                                            >"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'"

                                            Oh ok then.

                                            >Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits

                                            >Stroll out the front door and lock it

                                            >Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville

                                            >Sigh

                                            This... This is what I needed in life.

                                            >Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning.

                                            >Something catches your eye

                                            >Look down

                                            >A single bit is lying in the grass

                                            >Grin

                                            Hello there.

                                            >Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it

                                            Heh.

                                            >Notice another bit a short distance away

                                            >Raise an eyebrow and look around

                                            >No one else has seen it

                                            >Walk over and pick that one up as well

                                            >Yet another bit after that one

                                            >Follow a trail of bits along the ground

                                            >No one has noticed them, just you

                                            >Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money

                                            >You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway

                                            >Wait...

                                            >Oh god

                                            >Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house

                                            >Fluttershy stands over you, smiling

                                            >"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!"

                                            >Growl at her

                                            >"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!"

                                            >She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid

                                            >A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor

                                            >It hisses when it touches the ground

                                            >Gulp

                                            Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now

                                            >"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..."

                                            >She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you

                                            >You clamp your eyes shut

                                            >Just then, a window above you opens

                                            >"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!"

                                            >"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!"

                                            >A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open

                                            >Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head

                                            >Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating

                                            >The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail

                                            >The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again

                                            >You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you

                                            >Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck

                                            >Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket

                                            >Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy

                                            I'll consider this payment for my injuries.

                                            >Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency

                                            >35 bits

                                            >She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself

                                            >Today is turning out to be a fine day

                                            >You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth

                                            >This small victory calls for a cupcake

                                            >You head on over to Sugarcube Corner

                                            >Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter

                                            >Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you

                                            >Ha. Bitch, please.

                                            >You slam down your bits and grin at her

                                            I wanna cupcake.

                                            >"Sure thing, Annie!"

                                            Don't call me that.

                                            >She bounces off to the backroom while you wait

                                            >Turn around and look around the shop

                                            >Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies.

                                            >Soon you shall join their ranks

                                            >And all will fall before you

                                            >Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns

                                            >She hands you a cupcake

                                            >It's awe-inspiring

                                            >She even put a candle in it

                                            >Try and hold back your tears of joy

                                            T-thanks, Ponko.

                                            >"No problem, Annie!"

                                            Don't call me that.

                                            >You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store.

                                            >Gotta be responsible with money, these days

                                            >You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily

                                            >Nothing could ruin this day

                                            >Not one thing

                                            >You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact

                                            >Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen.

                                            >See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then-

                                            >While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor

                                            >Damn this bitch hits hard

                                            >Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head

                                            >You push her off

                                            >She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up

                                            God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that.

                                            >Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again

                                            >Now the liquid inside comes in blue!

                                            >She screams and charges at you

                                            >"YOU WILL TAKE TH-"

                                            >She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor

                                            >She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning

                                            >The needle flies into the air

                                            >You watch it with an amused expression

                                            >It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first

                                            >And lands straight in her shoulder

                                            >The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling

                                            >Her eyes roll up and she passes out

                                            >You look around

                                            >Grin

                                            Now now, Fluttershy.

                                            >You turn away from her

                                            Get to the point.

                                            >Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you.

                                            >The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house

                                            >It's a nice silence.

                                            >No Fluttershy to annoy you

                                            >Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed

                                            >You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh

                                            >It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep.


                                            >Nor does it take you very long to wake up

                                            >It's the dead of night

                                            >You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling

                                            >And your limbs are secured to the bed

                                            Oh for fucks sake.

                                            >Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips

                                            >"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!"

                                            >You consider what's about to happen

                                            >Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it

                                            >Sigh

                                            Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it.

                                            >She giggles

                                            >"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..."

                                            >She leans in to kiss you

                                            >You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle.


                                            > - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY -

                                            >You are commander Yeir

                                            >Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster

                                            For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO.

                                            >Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face

                                            >"But what if we get attacked, sir?"

                                            We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about.

                                            >"But, like, what if we do?"

                                            I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing.

                                            >You turn away and look out of the window of the control room

                                            >You're on an asteroid

                                            >Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of

                                            >The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power.

                                            >Just point it at a target and it's gone

                                            >And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you

                                            >Look at him

                                            >He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles

                                            >Slap him

                                            Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake.

                                            >"Sorry, boss."

                                            That's 'Commander', whelp.

                                            >"Sorry, Commander whelp."

                                            >Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message

                                            >Turn away from Jim to answer it

                                            >While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button

                                            >He presses it.

                                            >"Whoops."

                                            >You hear the entire asteroid shudder

                                            >Slowly turn around

                                            >Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy

                                            WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!

                                            >"W-well we're here to test it, right?"

                                            WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?!

                                            >"I dunno. Some random dark area of space"

                                            >You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light

                                            >The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk

                                            >By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one

                                            >It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation

                                            >The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction

                                            >It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure

                                            >The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet

                                            >The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet

                                            >It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off

                                            >The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half

                                            >A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot

                                            >There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme

                                            >You are Anon

                                            >Fluttershy has finished making out with you

                                            >It tasted like animal food

                                            >You hold back the urge to throw up

                                            >"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!"

                                            >She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth

                                            >Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed

                                            >A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings

                                            >You undo your other arm then your legs

                                            >Get off the bed

                                            >Look down at Fluttershy

                                            >Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down

                                            >Open the front door

                                            >Throw her outside

                                            >Walk back inside

                                            >Get into bed

                                            >Stare at the broken window

                                            >Wonder what caused it

                                            >Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool

                                            >You'll sort it out tomorrow

                                            >For now though, you need sleep

                                            >You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass

                                            >A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep

                                            Fucking Lady Luck


                                            The End