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[FLUTTERRAPE] Guardsman

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 12:51:59
Expiry: Never
anonfluttershynsfwcomedy/flutterrape/princess celestiaprincess luna

  1. 1.
    Originally uploaded to Pastebin: February 12th, 2013
  2. 2.
    ---
  3. 3.
     
  4. 4.
    >Day Protection in Equestria
  5. 5.
    >You are Anon
  6. 6.
    >Travelling Ape extraordinaire
  7. 7.
    >So here you are in Canterlot, visiting for the week
  8. 8.
    >Being a human and all, it comes with special privileges
  9. 9.
    >Most importantly, ponies don't throw rocks at you because you're endangered
  10. 10.
    >Fuck yeah, government protection
  11. 11.
    >And also you get to say what you want to whoever you want because after you took an Equestrian IQ test, you were declared mentally retarded
  12. 12.
    >Fuck yeah, diplomatic immunity
  13. 13.
    >You're not really retarded
  14. 14.
    >Back home you were a normal person
  15. 15.
    >Here though, since the IQ test was all about magic, which you know fuck all about, you are a retard
  16. 16.
    >Woo hoo
  17. 17.
    >Still, it's good to swagger around with your free money and have ponies be nice to you because "you're special"
  18. 18.
    >Though the ponies that actually know you treat you normally, usually after you abuse your "retardation" to get special favours
  19. 19.
    >Applejack was pissed after she found out you had tricked her out of a week’s worth of apples
  20. 20.
    >She gave them to you for free because she thought you were a retard
  21. 21.
    >Shortly after she found you discussing Earth politics and social stigmas that plague human society with Twilight
  22. 22.
    >Needless to say, you found out that you were a born track runner that day
  23. 23.
    >At least the apples were tasty
  24. 24.
    >The reason you're in Canterlot is simple though
  25. 25.
    >Fluttershy
  26. 26.
    >As always
  27. 27.
    >Really though, you should have seen this coming
  28. 28.
    >It IS a Flutterrape story.
  29. 29.
    >Come on, reader. Get it the fuck together.
  30. 30.
    >God damn.
  31. 31.
    >You walk through the busy streets of Canterlot, smiling at the upper-class ponies, who turn their noses up at you
  32. 32.
    >One such pony turns his nose up so fast and so hard he broke his own neck
  33. 33.
    >You laugh to yourself as his wife screams and calls for help
  34. 34.
    >Reach a plaza, opting to sit next to a fountain and rest your legs
  35. 35.
    >You sit down on the bench and close your eyes, your head hanging forward for a second
  36. 36.
    >You open them again and look around
  37. 37.
    >Ponies going to and fro, nothing out of the ordinary here
  38. 38.
    >Looking up, you see the jewel of Canterlot towering over the city - Canterlot Castle
  39. 39.
    >You should probably pay Celestia a visit
  40. 40.
    >She asked for a friendship report after you said thank you to a scientist after he gave you a lollipop for "being a good boy"
  41. 41.
    >That was 2 months ago
  42. 42.
    >You'll just say that Spike was broken and that it got lost in the mail
  43. 43.
    >Standing up and stretching, you begin your trek towards the castle gates
  44. 44.
    >Luna wasn't so bad
  45. 45.
    >Celestia on the other hand
  46. 46.
    >Well, for a Princess, she has a weird way of conducting herself when not in public
  47. 47.
    >Not sexually, mind. Just... Odd.
  48. 48.
    >Staying in the Castle for the first 2 weeks of your life here in Equestria revealed a lot about the royal sisters
  49. 49.
    >Turns out they like to get drunk a lot
  50. 50.
    >And tell you secrets that you don't want to hear while you're trying to read
  51. 51.
    >Honestly, your life would be so much better if you didn't know that Luna spent her 1000 years on the moon perfecting the noble art of self-satisfaction
  52. 52.
    >Fuckin' royal horse
  53. 53.
    >As the gates near, you go over what you're going to say to Celestia
  54. 54.
    >You're close to her, but it doesn't make talking any easier
  55. 55.
    >For your first friend in this world, she sure was distant
  56. 56.
    >Then again, you weren't exactly making an effort to keep this friendship afloat
  57. 57.
    >Two months without a letter
  58. 58.
    >You hope she isn't too sore about it
  59. 59.
    >After you get past the guards at the gate, you walk through the castle on your way to the throne room
  60. 60.
    >A short while later you push open the doors to the throne room
  61. 61.
    >Luna is sat where her sister is, reading the paper and sipping coffee
  62. 62.
    Luna?
  63. 63.
    >She looks up
  64. 64.
    >"Ah. Greetings, Anonymous. What brings you here?"
  65. 65.
    Uhh. Not much, really. Just wanted to see if Celestia is about
  66. 66.
    >Luna pouts
  67. 67.
    >"Why don't you want to see if I'M about?"
  68. 68.
    ...Are you about?
  69. 69.
    >She picks up her paper again and goes back to reading
  70. 70.
    >"No. I'm busy."
  71. 71.
    >You stand there in silence for a while, awkwardly fiddling with your hands and looking around the room
  72. 72.
    >Stone-faced guards look back
  73. 73.
    Luna?
  74. 74.
    >"Yes?"
  75. 75.
    Could you please tell me where Celestia is?
  76. 76.
    >"Kitchen"
  77. 77.
    Thanks.
  78. 78.
    >You walk out the room and down the steps towards the kitchen
  79. 79.
    >Before you reach the doors leading into it, you hear raised voices
  80. 80.
    >"PRINCESS FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP EATING THE CAKE!"
  81. 81.
    >"BUT I NEED IT!"
  82. 82.
    >You run through the doors and see Celestia, being restrained by the entire kitchen staff. All 20 of them.
  83. 83.
    >Celestia is straining and grunting to try and get towards a giant half-eaten cake
  84. 84.
    >The head chef, a pony with one eye and a fake parrot sellotaped to his shoulder, is waving a spatula at her, shaking it violently at her whenever she lurches forward
  85. 85.
    >"BACK! BACK YE GLUTTONOUS FIEND! THIS CAKE IS FER THE ZEBRA AMBASSADOR! GET YE FILTHY HOOVES OFF IT!"
  86. 86.
    >He waves the spatula at Celestia again
  87. 87.
    >Her face reacts to it the same way a negative magnet reacts to another
  88. 88.
    >Pushed away by an invisible force while she says "NYEEEUUUGH"
  89. 89.
    >Her horn shines golden
  90. 90.
    >"SHE'S TRYIN TO USE MAGIC! STOP HER!"
  91. 91.
    >6 kitchen hands latch onto her horn and start smearing jam all over it
  92. 92.
    >The chef sighs in relief
  93. 93.
    >"That were a close one"
  94. 94.
    >He turns to you
  95. 95.
    >Your jaw is slack and you're drooling at the spectacle
  96. 96.
    >The chef, completely indifferent to your reaction, or the spectacle behind him, speaks up
  97. 97.
    >"Jam, laddie. Acts as a natural magic nullifier. Now what can I do fer ye?"
  98. 98.
    I... I wanted to...
  99. 99.
    >You stop speaking to watch as Celestia thrashes around, sending 2 chefs flying into a pile of dirty pans
  100. 100.
    >The recover, shake themselves off, and jump back on top of her
  101. 101.
    >The head-chef moves into your view, an impatient look on his face
  102. 102.
    >"Yes? What? Look, lad. I'm sure ye business is important, but I have very delicate matters to attend to here"
  103. 103.
    >He turns around
  104. 104.
    >"MORE JAM! MAKE THAT PRINCESS SLIMIER THAN MY EX-WIFES CUNT!"
  105. 105.
    >He looks back at you
  106. 106.
    >"So what is it?"
  107. 107.
    I n-need to speak to Celestia.
  108. 108.
    >"Oh good, she was becoming a handful"
  109. 109.
    >He trots over to her
  110. 110.
    >"A visitor, your majesty"
  111. 111.
    >"NYYEEEUUUGH"
  112. 112.
    >"It's the human"
  113. 113.
    >A brilliant flash of gold, several screams, and a loud bang happen all at once
  114. 114.
    >Celestia is stoof amongst the remains of the kitchen staff, who are dazed and groaning all around her
  115. 115.
    >The head chef is unconscious with his spatula up his butt
  116. 116.
    >Blink
  117. 117.
    >Celestia smiles at you, levitates a slice of cake to her lips and walks past you
  118. 118.
    >"Good afternoon, Anonymous! Come! Let us talk."
  119. 119.
    >You stagger after the princess
  120. 120.
    >She swaggers down a long hallway, humming a tune and nibbling the cake
  121. 121.
    >You watch as she just magics away all the mess from her body. The jam. The icing. The sweat and blood of the chefs.
  122. 122.
    But... I thought Jam-
  123. 123.
    >"Doesn't work on Alicorns. The head chef is yet to learn that."
  124. 124.
    I uhh. I don't think I've met him before. He's certainly... Different. Who is he?
  125. 125.
    >"Hans Gruber. He's new."
  126. 126.
    Hans G-
  127. 127.
    >"So."
  128. 128.
    >She stuffs the entire slice of cake in her mouth and swallows. Not even bothering to chew
  129. 129.
    >Like an exotic bird.
  130. 130.
    >"What brings you here?"
  131. 131.
    I just wanted to visit. Seems like I came at a bad time...
  132. 132.
    >"No! Not at all! I only have a few things to attend to today. And Luna's insomnia has given me a bit of free time"
  133. 133.
    >She starts excitedly jumping on the spot
  134. 134.
    >"Ooh! I haven't had time off in 450 years!"
  135. 135.
    >She turns to you
  136. 136.
    >"So. What do you want to do first?"
  137. 137.
    I dunno. What does an immortal sun god do for fun?
  138. 138.
    >Cue the montage.
  139. 139.
     
  140. 140.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ8Sz8CJY5g
  141. 141.
     
  142. 142.
    >You ride Celestia as she glides over Canterlot, both of you throwing money and dead birds at poor people
  143. 143.
    >A bird hits an orphan in the face and he falls backwards into a mud puddle
  144. 144.
    >You cannot contain your sides and Celestia struggles to keep steady in flight, resulting in both of you crash-landing in a hospital
  145. 145.
     
  146. 146.
    >Celestia snickers and you are red in the face from trying to hold in your anticipation
  147. 147.
    >Luna slowly enters the room, looking around nervously
  148. 148.
    >You and Celestia are invisible, courtesy of Sunbutt
  149. 149.
    >Luna creeps over to her secret box under her bed
  150. 150.
    >She looks over her shoulder one last time before opening it
  151. 151.
    >She takes out her diary
  152. 152.
    >At that moment, Celestia runs up behind her, ramming her entire horn inside Luna's vagina
  153. 153.
    >She screams in pain and surprised pleasure as you steal the book
  154. 154.
    >You both run out the room screaming with laughter as Luna chases you, shouting at full volume and sending deadly magic projectiles after you
  155. 155.
     
  156. 156.
    >Celestia and you sit on the ceiling, reading Luna's diary
  157. 157.
    >Gravity was turned off
  158. 158.
    >Chairs and tables float around
  159. 159.
    >"Dear diary, my heart longs for Twilight Sparkle, she's everything I ever dreamed of in a mare, I only wish she would become the stars to my night sky!"
  160. 160.
    >You wipe tears from your eyes and clutch your now sore stomach
  161. 161.
    >Celestia loses control of the spell and you both go falling to the floor
  162. 162.
     
  163. 163.
    GOOOOAL!
  164. 164.
    >Celestia cheers and marks down another point to you
  165. 165.
    >She then takes her turn with the sun cannon
  166. 166.
    Down there! Down there! That snooty looking one in the white top hat!
  167. 167.
    >Celestia points the giant magnifying glass at him
  168. 168.
    >Within seconds the pony goes up in flames and runs around screaming before jumping into the moat
  169. 169.
     
  170. 170.
    >You both charge into the kitchen, wearing tin-foil armour and waving rolling pins
  171. 171.
    >Celestia is wielding 10 at a time with her magic
  172. 172.
    >Hans Gruber screams
  173. 173.
    >"OH GOD SHE'S BACK! AND SHE HAS AN UNDERLING!"
  174. 174.
    WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR CAKE, INFIDEL!
  175. 175.
    >"I KNEW YOU COULDN'T BE TRUSTED, MONKEY!"
  176. 176.
    >You and Celestia laugh over the carnage and screaming as you chase the kitchen staff around the room with rolling pins
  177. 177.
     
  178. 178.
    >You roar with laughter on the grass as Celestia finishes drawing a huge dick on Discord's statue
  179. 179.
    >You paint a bra and panties on him in pink paint
  180. 180.
    >While you both laugh you swear you can hear a faint growling coming from the stone
  181. 181.
     
  182. 182.
    >"Shhh!"
  183. 183.
    >You clamp a hand over your mouth
  184. 184.
    >Luna enters the room, a spear levitating near her
  185. 185.
    >"I KNOW YOU'RE BOTH IN HERE! COME OUT AND I WON'T HURT YOU!"
  186. 186.
    >Celestia hisses "Now!" at you
  187. 187.
    >You pull the rope and a suspended log held up slams into Luna's side
  188. 188.
    >She screams as she is launched out of a stained glass window and down the mountain
  189. 189.
    >"I HATE YOU BOOOOOOOooooooth..."
  190. 190.
    >Your sides transcended
  191. 191.
     
  192. 192.
    Dear Twolot Spackel
  193. 193.
    >Celestia snickers
  194. 194.
    I hope your studies of hydroelectricity are going well, and I expect a full report tomorrow! Yours, Celestia
  195. 195.
    >You both cry laughing while you watch in a crystal ball as Twilight screams for 15 whole minutes after receiving the letter
  196. 196.
    >Spike looks disgruntled
  197. 197.
     
  198. 198.
    >You look through a telescope and watch as Celestia fires a concentrated beam of pure heat at a distant mountain near the southern barrens
  199. 199.
    >She puts the finishing touches to her work
  200. 200.
    >The mountain now bares a message
  201. 201.
    >"Chrysalis is a faget"
  202. 202.
    >You both listen carefully and hear a distant roar on the wind
  203. 203.
    >Hi-fives/hooves are had
  204. 204.
     
  205. 205.
    >The giant vault door groans
  206. 206.
    >Eventually Celestia's laser cuts through the magic barriers and tempered steel
  207. 207.
    >A hoard of cakes and pies lie before you, seemingly going on forever
  208. 208.
    >Celestia starts crying
  209. 209.
    >You hold her and try to fight back the tears at the sheer beauty of the scene before you
  210. 210.
     
  211. 211.
    >A gentle breeze rolls across the grassy knoll
  212. 212.
    >Celestia rests her head on your shoulder as you both watch the sun sink behind the horizon
  213. 213.
    >"This was fun, Anonymous. Thanks"
  214. 214.
    >You put an arm around her and squeeze
  215. 215.
    No problem, Tia.
  216. 216.
     
  217. 217.
    >Day Friendship in Equestria
  218. 218.
    >You wake up and rub your eyes
  219. 219.
    Ohh goood, what did I do last night?
  220. 220.
    >You look over and see the mountain of empty Moon Pie wrappers
  221. 221.
    Awesome.
  222. 222.
    >Celestia stirs next to you
  223. 223.
    >"Ohh mother... What did I do last night?"
  224. 224.
    >She looks over and sees the mountain of empty Sun Bun wrappers
  225. 225.
    >"Awesome"
  226. 226.
    Mornin' Tia.
  227. 227.
    >She looks at you
  228. 228.
    >"Nnfff"
  229. 229.
    That wasn't a word, Tia
  230. 230.
    >"I don't wanna get up"
  231. 231.
    You have a planet to run. Don't be lazy
  232. 232.
    >You slap her on the ass, causing her to yelp
  233. 233.
    >"You don't get to slap royalty, Anonymous. You're not that friendly with us"
  234. 234.
    Tell it to someone who cares, oh "Queen of Laughs"
  235. 235.
    >She hurls a pillow at you at the sound of the nickname she gave herself during yesterday's sugar and happiness induced clusterfuck
  236. 236.
    >You dodge it and stick out your tongue
  237. 237.
    Mind if I use your bathroom?
  238. 238.
    >"Sure. Go ahead"
  239. 239.
    >You walk into the cavernous bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror
  240. 240.
    >There's Moon Pie in your hair
  241. 241.
    >You grumble and go to the shower
  242. 242.
    >One hot blast of water and a hell of a lot of orange scented shampoo later, you emerge and dry yourself off
  243. 243.
    >You reach for a toothbrush
  244. 244.
    >Celestia calls from the other room
  245. 245.
    >"Anonymous?"
  246. 246.
    Yeah?
  247. 247.
    >"I forgot to tell you, don't use the red toothbrush. I use it for uhh. Scientific Experiments with Rats."
  248. 248.
    Masturbation, got it
  249. 249.
    >"Go to tartarus, Ape."
  250. 250.
    >You chuckle and use the blue toothbrush
  251. 251.
    >All cleaned up, you walk back into Celestia's room
  252. 252.
    >She's sipping coffee
  253. 253.
    >"All better?"
  254. 254.
    All better. I'm gonna head off now. This was great, though.
  255. 255.
    >She smiles
  256. 256.
    >"It was. It's good to see you again, Anonymous. You're the first being I've spent time off with in 450 years. Most of the time I just get drunk with Luna inside the castle walls during the last 2 hours of the day..."
  257. 257.
    Well I'm glad you enjoyed it, Tia. I'll see you soon?
  258. 258.
    >"Sounds good. Goodbye!"
  259. 259.
    >You say a final goodbye and head out the door, walking through the winding halls and thinking about your time with Celestia
  260. 260.
    >You see the doors leading out of the castle
  261. 261.
    >But before you can reach them, you hear a shout
  262. 262.
    >"STOP! THEIF! HE HAS THE ROYAL JEWELS!"
  263. 263.
    >You snap your head around and look down a corridor where the shout originated
  264. 264.
    >A pony dressed in black in galloping down the hall, a bag in his mouth
  265. 265.
    >A few Royal Guards follow him
  266. 266.
    >You look around
  267. 267.
    >Then back at the mob heading towards you
  268. 268.
    >You shrug
  269. 269.
    >And extend your foot slightly
  270. 270.
    >The thief trips over it and slams to the ground, the bag of jewels going everywhere
  271. 271.
    >The guards all body slam him, eliciting a distressed groan
  272. 272.
    >You stuff your hands in your pockets and watch with an amused look as the guards pummel the thief
  273. 273.
    >Eventually he stops moving, and a guard drags him off, the others following him
  274. 274.
    >All but one
  275. 275.
    >The guard in the most ostentatious armour stays behind, removing his helmet and staring at you in awe
  276. 276.
    >Raise an eyebrow
  277. 277.
    >"Son, that was incredible, the way you took that thief down and foiled his efforts."
  278. 278.
    >He clears his throat and extends a hoof towards you
  279. 279.
    >You take it and shake it slightly
  280. 280.
    >"I am Steel Rain. Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard in absence of his majesty Prince Shining Armour."
  281. 281.
    Cool.
  282. 282.
    >"Very cool. Son, I think you've got what it takes to be a Royal Guard."
  283. 283.
    >You stroke your stubble and muse to yourself
  284. 284.
    Royal guard, eh?
  285. 285.
    >"Yes."
  286. 286.
    Is the pay good?
  287. 287.
    >"Nope."
  288. 288.
    Hours acceptable?
  289. 289.
    >"Not even close."
  290. 290.
    Do I get any special privileges?
  291. 291.
    >"Don't make me laugh"
  292. 292.
    Do I get a pension?
  293. 293.
    >"The hell is a pension?"
  294. 294.
    Can I learn how to wield a weapon?
  295. 295.
    >"Any fighting methods we can teach you will be useless since you aren't even a pony"
  296. 296.
    Is there any reason whatsoever why I should join the guard?
  297. 297.
    >"You get to wear golden armour and carry around a spear"
  298. 298.
    I'LL DO IT!
  299. 299.
    >"WELCOME ABOARD, SON!"
  300. 300.
    >You are Anonymous
  301. 301.
    >Royal Guard
  302. 302.
     
  303. 303.
    >You are Anonymous
  304. 304.
    >Bored as fuck
  305. 305.
    >You were assigned to the Celestial Guard, given your lack of scary features required for the Nocturnal Guard
  306. 306.
    >You tried, really.
  307. 307.
    >You even waggled your fingers and went "OOoOOoOOOoOOO"
  308. 308.
    >Half the ponies in the room suffered heart attacks, and the others pissed themselves
  309. 309.
    >But much to your dismay, they simply couldn't sign you up for it because you don't have bat wings.
  310. 310.
    >But they gave you a lollipop for effort
  311. 311.
    >And also because you're still medically retarded
  312. 312.
    >You stand outside the throne room doors
  313. 313.
    >Alone
  314. 314.
    >All the other guards are on break and you have no one to talk to
  315. 315.
    >Not that you can talk to them
  316. 316.
    >You're supposed to stay quiet and march up and down all day
  317. 317.
    >Some job this is
  318. 318.
    >They didn't even teach you how to use your pointy stick
  319. 319.
    >That's just sad.
  320. 320.
    >Though it seems easy enough
  321. 321.
    >You watched 300 like, twice. So you just need to emulate that somehow.
  322. 322.
    >You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
  323. 323.
    >Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
  324. 324.
    >"ATTENTION!"
  325. 325.
    YES!
  326. 326.
    >"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
  327. 327.
    Oh yeah, sorry.
  328. 328.
    >He shakes his head sadly
  329. 329.
    >You salute and give him your best stone-face
  330. 330.
    >"YOU HAVE A NEW PARTNER!"
  331. 331.
    SIR! WHO, SIR!
  332. 332.
    >He motions to the new guard stood next to him
  333. 333.
    >Fluttershy.
  334. 334.
    >In Royal Guard armour
  335. 335.
    Oh fucking hell no.
  336. 336.
    >Fluttershy smiles meekly at you
  337. 337.
    What- WHAT? WHY.
  338. 338.
    >You drop to your knees and look Fluttershy in the eye from her level
  339. 339.
    WHHHYYYYYY
  340. 340.
    >"Umm... Hello to you too?"
  341. 341.
    >She tries to hide behind her mane but her helmet covers it, so she just ends up turning her head to the side and looking at you with one eye
  342. 342.
    >Like a curious pigeon
  343. 343.
    >The commanding officer screams some more, causing you and Flutterguard to jump
  344. 344.
    >"STAND UP, SOLDIER."
  345. 345.
    >You do so immediately
  346. 346.
    >"FLUTTERSHY HERE IS YOUR NEW PARTNER. SHE WILL BE ASSIGNED TO YOU WITH EVERYTHING YOU DO"
  347. 347.
    But why? What has she POSSIBLY got to offer the guard?
  348. 348.
    >"She's saved Equestria twice, is an element of harmony, can wrestle bears, has an IQ of 160 and her father was a Cloudsdale Legionnaire"
  349. 349.
    >Oh
  350. 350.
    Oh.
  351. 351.
    >"Indeed. NOW GET TO YOUR POSTS!"
  352. 352.
    >You take your position again, eyes staring straight ahead
  353. 353.
    >Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go aw-
  354. 354.
    >She's rubbing your dick
  355. 355.
    >Slap her away
  356. 356.
    >She squeaks and scuttles back to her post
  357. 357.
    >2 meters away
  358. 358.
    >Glare at the hallway, determined to ignore her
  359. 359.
    >Beefeater mode: Activate
  360. 360.
    >You'll do the queen proud with how little fucks you give about everything around you
  361. 361.
    >Fluttershy speaks up, breaking the silence
  362. 362.
    >"S-so umm. Were you surprised?"
  363. 363.
    >Don't answer her, Anon. Her sight is based on sound.
  364. 364.
    >"I was surprised to see you..."
  365. 365.
    >Nope.
  366. 366.
    >"Umm... W-want to know why I'm here?"
  367. 367.
    >You ain't sayin' shit.
  368. 368.
    >"W-well when you went on your trip, you said that you'd be back soon... Y-you were gone 2 months... I got worried"
  369. 369.
    >Oh yeah.
  370. 370.
    >Probably should have mentioned that your extremely basic training took 2 months to complete
  371. 371.
    >But... Why is Fluttershy here now? You didn't see her during the training
  372. 372.
    >NO! Can't ask her. Will break silence
  373. 373.
    >"So are guards your f-"
  374. 374.
    Don't.
  375. 375.
    >She shuts up
  376. 376.
    Just don't.
  377. 377.
    >She looks at the floor sadly
  378. 378.
    >"I thought maybe you wanted some company..."
  379. 379.
    I've made friends with the guards. I don't need you.
  380. 380.
    >Oh great. Here come the tears
  381. 381.
    >"D-d-don't n-need me?"
  382. 382.
    >She starts openly weeping
  383. 383.
    >Just then the throne room doors open and out walks Celestia, sipping some orange juice out of a carton that's being levitated in a golden aura
  384. 384.
    >She looks at Fluttershy and then at you
  385. 385.
    >You stare at Celestia
  386. 386.
    >Fluttershy continues to sob
  387. 387.
    >You and Celestia stare at Fluttershy
  388. 388.
    >Celestia and Fluttershy stare at you
  389. 389.
    >You and Fluttershy stare at Celestia
  390. 390.
    >Celestia stares at both of you at the same time
  391. 391.
    >What
  392. 392.
    >"Anonymous, why is Fluttershy here? And why is she dressed as a Royal Guard? And why is she crying?"
  393. 393.
    I have absolutely no idea, Princess.
  394. 394.
    >"...Huh"
  395. 395.
    >Celestia prods Fluttershy's head
  396. 396.
    >This invokes a squeal and a noise like a dog's chew-toy squeaking
  397. 397.
    >"Weird."
  398. 398.
    >She sips her OJ again
  399. 399.
    >"Well then! You two have fun!"
  400. 400.
    >You watch Celestia go
  401. 401.
    >Fluttershy wipes her eyes and smiles at you
  402. 402.
    >"S-so is crying your fetish?"
  403. 403.
    No.
  404. 404.
    >"Oh... Are guard uniforms your fetish?"
  405. 405.
    No.
  406. 406.
    >"What about standing around for hours on end?"
  407. 407.
    Nah.
  408. 408.
    >"Okay..."
  409. 409.
    >You stand in silence for a while longer
  410. 410.
     
  411. 411.
    >And by a while you mean hours
  412. 412.
    >Fucking. Hours.
  413. 413.
     
  414. 414.
    >Fluttershy yawns
  415. 415.
    >You do the same
  416. 416.
    God damn this is boring
  417. 417.
    >"W-why did you even want to do this?"
  418. 418.
    I can't remember.
  419. 419.
    >"It seems silly..."
  420. 420.
    Yeah, I guess it is.
  421. 421.
    >More silence
  422. 422.
    >Steel Rain walks around a corner and looks at you two
  423. 423.
    >He blinks
  424. 424.
    >"Private Anonymous?"
  425. 425.
    Sir?
  426. 426.
    >"Why the hell is Fluttershy stood next to you?"
  427. 427.
    Uh, she's a Royal Guard, sir. I think.
  428. 428.
    >"I don't recall seeing her in basic training."
  429. 429.
    Me neither, sir. She just showed up and some commanding officer said that she checks out.
  430. 430.
    >"...Anonymous?"
  431. 431.
    Sir?
  432. 432.
    >"What did this commanding officer look like?"
  433. 433.
    >You think back
  434. 434.
     
  435. 435.
    >You are Anonymous
  436. 436.
    >Bored as fuck
  437. 437.
    >You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
  438. 438.
    >Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
  439. 439.
    >"ATTENTION!"
  440. 440.
    YES!
  441. 441.
    >"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
  442. 442.
    Oh yeah, sorry.
  443. 443.
    >He shakes his head sadly
  444. 444.
    >He is a white unicorn in typical golden guard armour, but absolutely covered in gems.
  445. 445.
    >He also has a large black moustache on
  446. 446.
    >Looks a bit lop-sided, though.
  447. 447.
    >Hm.
  448. 448.
     
  449. 449.
    >Back to the present
  450. 450.
    >Describe the pony to Steel Rain
  451. 451.
    >"Anonymous, did it ever occur to you that it might have been the Element of Generosity, who is staying at the Castle for the week?"
  452. 452.
    I... Didn't know, sir. Sorry.
  453. 453.
    >"Anonymous, were you just fooled into letting Fluttershy impersonate a Royal Guard all day by a mare wearing a fake moustache?"
  454. 454.
    ...I think I was, sir.
  455. 455.
    >He stares at you
  456. 456.
    >Glance over at Fluttershy
  457. 457.
    >She's trying to sneak away
  458. 458.
    >Steel Rain glares at her
  459. 459.
    >"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A ROYAL GUARDSMAN!"
  460. 460.
    >She screams and takes flight
  461. 461.
    >"ANONYMOUS! TIME TO PUT THAT TRAINING TO USE!"
  462. 462.
    YOU NEVER TRAINED ME SIR! I SPENT 2 MONTHS PLAYING WITH COLOURING BOOKS AND CRAYONS!
  463. 463.
    >"SON OF A BITCH, ANON. JUST THROW THE FUCKING SPEAR AT HER!"
  464. 464.
    >You grip the end of the long wooden sick and throw it at Fluttershy
  465. 465.
    >Not in the fashion of a javelin. No, the same way you would throw a stick for a dog
  466. 466.
    >The pole slams into Fluttershy and brings her crashing to the floor
  467. 467.
    >You and Steel Rain do the traditional Royal Canterlot Body Slam
  468. 468.
    >Both of you jump on Fluttershy and crush her
  469. 469.
    >She orgasms underneath you
  470. 470.
    >Steel Rain, led on top of you, shouts in your ear
  471. 471.
    >"SHE'S DEPLOYING LUBRICANTS! RESTRAIN HER!"
  472. 472.
    >You punch her in the back of the head
  473. 473.
    >"That might have been a bit much, Private."
  474. 474.
    Sorry, sir. Heat of the moment thing.
  475. 475.
    >"I understand"
  476. 476.
    >You both get off her and look down at the dazed mare in guard's armour, groaning and soaked in her own juices
  477. 477.
    >"How can we ensure this never happens again, Anon?"
  478. 478.
    I think I have an idea, sir.
  479. 479.
     
  480. 480.
    >12 minutes later you kick open the doors of the barracks, a still dazed Fluttershy slung over your shoulder
  481. 481.
    >The soldiers are all astonished at your entrance
  482. 482.
    Evenin', lads. You all like mares?
  483. 483.
    >They all nod
  484. 484.
    >One of them shakes his head
  485. 485.
    You all like mares in uniform?
  486. 486.
    >They all nod
  487. 487.
    >One of them shakes his head again
  488. 488.
    >Another slaps him, and he starts nodding with the others
  489. 489.
    Well good news!
  490. 490.
    >Throw Fluttershy into the middle of the room
  491. 491.
    >She smells like sex
  492. 492.
    Have fun!
  493. 493.
    >You close the doors to the barracks as the soldiers cheer
  494. 494.
    >Steel Rain congratulates you
  495. 495.
    >"Excellently handled, Anon! I'm promoting you to staff seargant!"
  496. 496.
    What does that mean?
  497. 497.
    >"You get to scream at people and sit in a comfy office all day!"
  498. 498.
    FUCK YEAH!
  499. 499.
    >You run up the stairs to Celestia's room
  500. 500.
    >Kicking open the doors again, you see her about to climb into bed
  501. 501.
    >She screams as the doors fly open
  502. 502.
    >"Anonymous! What are you doing?!"
  503. 503.
    You.
  504. 504.
     
  505. 505.
    >And so you did.
  506. 506.
    >And it was amazing.
  507. 507.
     
  508. 508.
    The End

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