- Originally uploaded to Pastebin: February 12th, 2013
- ---
- >Day Protection in Equestria
- >You are Anon
- >Travelling Ape extraordinaire
- >So here you are in Canterlot, visiting for the week
- >Being a human and all, it comes with special privileges
- >Most importantly, ponies don't throw rocks at you because you're endangered
- >Fuck yeah, government protection
- >And also you get to say what you want to whoever you want because after you took an Equestrian IQ test, you were declared mentally retarded
- >Fuck yeah, diplomatic immunity
- >You're not really retarded
- >Back home you were a normal person
- >Here though, since the IQ test was all about magic, which you know fuck all about, you are a retard
- >Woo hoo
- >Still, it's good to swagger around with your free money and have ponies be nice to you because "you're special"
- >Though the ponies that actually know you treat you normally, usually after you abuse your "retardation" to get special favours
- >Applejack was pissed after she found out you had tricked her out of a week’s worth of apples
- >She gave them to you for free because she thought you were a retard
- >Shortly after she found you discussing Earth politics and social stigmas that plague human society with Twilight
- >Needless to say, you found out that you were a born track runner that day
- >At least the apples were tasty
- >The reason you're in Canterlot is simple though
- >Fluttershy
- >As always
- >Really though, you should have seen this coming
- >It IS a Flutterrape story.
- >Come on, reader. Get it the fuck together.
- >God damn.
- 1/?
- >You walk through the busy streets of Canterlot, smiling at the upper-class ponies, who turn their noses up at you
- >One such pony turns his nose up so fast and so hard he broke his own neck
- >You laugh to yourself as his wife screams and calls for help
- >Reach a plaza, opting to sit next to a fountain and rest your legs
- >You sit down on the bench and close your eyes, your head hanging forward for a second
- >You open them again and look around
- >Ponies going to and fro, nothing out of the ordinary here
- >Looking up, you see the jewel of Canterlot towering over the city - Canterlot Castle
- >You should probably pay Celestia a visit
- >She asked for a friendship report after you said thank you to a scientist after he gave you a lollipop for "being a good boy"
- >That was 2 months ago
- >You'll just say that Spike was broken and that it got lost in the mail
- >Standing up and stretching, you begin your trek towards the castle gates
- >Luna wasn't so bad
- >Celestia on the other hand
- >Well, for a Princess, she has a weird way of conducting herself when not in public
- >Not sexually, mind. Just... Odd.
- >Staying in the Castle for the first 2 weeks of your life here in Equestria revealed a lot about the royal sisters
- 2/?
- >Turns out they like to get drunk a lot
- >And tell you secrets that you don't want to hear while you're trying to read
- >Honestly, your life would be so much better if you didn't know that Luna spent her 1000 years on the moon perfecting the noble art of self-satisfaction
- >Fuckin' royal horse
- >As the gates near, you go over what you're going to say to Celestia
- >You're close to her, but it doesn't make talking any easier
- >For your first friend in this world, she sure was distant
- >Then again, you weren't exactly making an effort to keep this friendship afloat
- >Two months without a letter
- >You hope she isn't too sore about it
- >After you get past the guards at the gate, you walk through the castle on your way to the throne room
- >A short while later you push open the doors to the throne room
- >Luna is sat where her sister is, reading the paper and sipping coffee
- Luna?
- >She looks up
- >"Ah. Greetings, Anonymous. What brings you here?"
- Uhh. Not much, really. Just wanted to see if Celestia is about
- >Luna pouts
- >"Why don't you want to see if I'M about?"
- ...Are you about?
- >She picks up her paper again and goes back to reading
- >"No. I'm busy."
- >You stand there in silence for a while, awkwardly fiddling with your hands and looking around the room
- >Stone-faced guards look back
- 3/?
- Luna?
- >"Yes?"
- Could you please tell me where Celestia is?
- >"Kitchen"
- Thanks.
- >You walk out the room and down the steps towards the kitchen
- >Before you reach the doors leading into it, you hear raised voices
- >"PRINCESS FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP EATING THE CAKE!"
- >"BUT I NEED IT!"
- >You run through the doors and see Celestia, being restrained by the entire kitchen staff. All 20 of them.
- >Celestia is straining and grunting to try and get towards a giant half-eaten cake
- >The head chef, a pony with one eye and a fake parrot sellotaped to his shoulder, is waving a spatula at her, shaking it violently at her whenever she lurches forward
- >"BACK! BACK YE GLUTTONOUS FIEND! THIS CAKE IS FER THE ZEBRA AMBASSADOR! GET YE FILTHY HOOVES OFF IT!"
- >He waves the spatula at Celestia again
- >Her face reacts to it the same way a negative magnet reacts to another
- >Pushed away by an invisible force while she says "NYEEEUUUGH"
- >Her horn shines golden
- >"SHE'S TRYIN TO USE MAGIC! STOP HER!"
- >6 kitchen hands latch onto her horn and start smearing jam all over it
- >The chef sighs in relief
- >"That were a close one"
- >He turns to you
- >Your jaw is slack and you're drooling at the spectacle
- >The chef, completely indifferent to your reaction, or the spectacle behind him, speaks up
- >"Jam, laddie. Acts as a natural magic nullifier. Now what can I do fer ye?"
- 4/?
- I... I wanted to...
- >You stop speaking to watch as Celestia thrashes around, sending 2 chefs flying into a pile of dirty pans
- >The recover, shake themselves off, and jump back on top of her
- >The head-chef moves into your view, an impatient look on his face
- >"Yes? What? Look, lad. I'm sure ye business is important, but I have very delicate matters to attend to here"
- >He turns around
- >"MORE JAM! MAKE THAT PRINCESS SLIMIER THAN MY EX-WIFES CUNT!"
- >He looks back at you
- >"So what is it?"
- I n-need to speak to Celestia.
- >"Oh good, she was becoming a handful"
- >He trots over to her
- >"A visitor, your majesty"
- >"NYYEEEUUUGH"
- >"It's the human"
- >A brilliant flash of gold, several screams, and a loud bang happen all at once
- >Celestia is stoof amongst the remains of the kitchen staff, who are dazed and groaning all around her
- >The head chef is unconscious with his spatula up his butt
- >Blink
- >Celestia smiles at you, levitates a slice of cake to her lips and walks past you
- >"Good afternoon, Anonymous! Come! Let us talk."
- 5/?
- >You stagger after the princess
- >She swaggers down a long hallway, humming a tune and nibbling the cake
- >You watch as she just magics away all the mess from her body. The jam. The icing. The sweat and blood of the chefs.
- But... I thought Jam-
- >"Doesn't work on Alicorns. The head chef is yet to learn that."
- I uhh. I don't think I've met him before. He's certainly... Different. Who is he?
- >"Hans Gruber. He's new."
- Hans G-
- >"So."
- >She stuffs the entire slice of cake in her mouth and swallows. Not even bothering to chew
- >Like an exotic bird.
- >"What brings you here?"
- I just wanted to visit. Seems like I came at a bad time...
- >"No! Not at all! I only have a few things to attend to today. And Luna's insomnia has given me a bit of free time"
- >She starts excitedly jumping on the spot
- >"Ooh! I haven't had time off in 450 years!"
- >She turns to you
- >"So. What do you want to do first?"
- I dunno. What does an immortal sun god do for fun?
- >Cue the montage.
- 6/?
- >You ride Celestia as she glides over Canterlot, both of you throwing money and dead birds at poor people
- >A bird hits an orphan in the face and he falls backwards into a mud puddle
- >You cannot contain your sides and Celestia struggles to keep steady in flight, resulting in both of you crash-landing in a hospital
- >Celestia snickers and you are red in the face from trying to hold in your anticipation
- >Luna slowly enters the room, looking around nervously
- >You and Celestia are invisible, courtesy of Sunbutt
- >Luna creeps over to her secret box under her bed
- >She looks over her shoulder one last time before opening it
- >She takes out her diary
- >At that moment, Celestia runs up behind her, ramming her entire horn inside Luna's vagina
- >She screams in pain and surprised pleasure as you steal the book
- >You both run out the room screaming with laughter as Luna chases you, shouting at full volume and sending deadly magic projectiles after you
- >Celestia and you sit on the ceiling, reading Luna's diary
- >Gravity was turned off
- >Chairs and tables float around
- >"Dear diary, my heart longs for Twilight Sparkle, she's everything I ever dreamed of in a mare, I only wish she would become the stars to my night sky!"
- >You wipe tears from your eyes and clutch your now sore stomach
- >Celestia loses control of the spell and you both go falling to the floor
- GOOOOAL!
- >Celestia cheers and marks down another point to you
- >She then takes her turn with the sun cannon
- Down there! Down there! That snooty looking one in the white top hat!
- >Celestia points the giant magnifying glass at him
- >Within seconds the pony goes up in flames and runs around screaming before jumping into the moat
- >You both charge into the kitchen, wearing tin-foil armour and waving rolling pins
- >Celestia is wielding 10 at a time with her magic
- >Hans Gruber screams
- >"OH GOD SHE'S BACK! AND SHE HAS AN UNDERLING!"
- WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR CAKE, INFIDEL!
- >"I KNEW YOU COULDN'T BE TRUSTED, MONKEY!"
- >You and Celestia laugh over the carnage and screaming as you chase the kitchen staff around the room with rolling pins
- 7/?
- >You roar with laughter on the grass as Celestia finishes drawing a huge dick on Discord's statue
- >You paint a bra and panties on him in pink paint
- >While you both laugh you swear you can hear a faint growling coming from the stone
- >"Shhh!"
- >You clamp a hand over your mouth
- >Luna enters the room, a spear levitating near her
- >"I KNOW YOU'RE BOTH IN HERE! COME OUT AND I WON'T HURT YOU!"
- >Celestia hisses "Now!" at you
- >You pull the rope and a suspended log held up slams into Luna's side
- >She screams as she is launched out of a stained glass window and down the mountain
- >"I HATE YOU BOOOOOOOooooooth..."
- >Your sides transcended
- Dear Twolot Spackel
- >Celestia snickers
- I hope your studies of hydroelectricity are going well, and I expect a full report tomorrow! Yours, Celestia
- >You both cry laughing while you watch in a crystal ball as Twilight screams for 15 whole minutes after receiving the letter
- >Spike looks disgruntled
- >You look through a telescope and watch as Celestia fires a concentrated beam of pure heat at a distant mountain near the southern barrens
- >She puts the finishing touches to her work
- >The mountain now bares a message
- >"Chrysalis is a faget"
- >You both listen carefully and hear a distant roar on the wind
- >Hi-fives/hooves are had
- 8/?
- >The giant vault door groans
- >Eventually Celestia's laser cuts through the magic barriers and tempered steel
- >A hoard of cakes and pies lie before you, seemingly going on forever
- >Celestia starts crying
- >You hold her and try to fight back the tears at the sheer beauty of the scene before you
- >A gentle breeze rolls across the grassy knoll
- >Celestia rests her head on your shoulder as you both watch the sun sink behind the horizon
- >"This was fun, Anonymous. Thanks"
- >You put an arm around her and squeeze
- No problem, Tia.
- 9/?
- >Day Friendship in Equestria
- >You wake up and rub your eyes
- Ohh goood, what did I do last night?
- >You look over and see the mountain of empty Moon Pie wrappers
- Awesome.
- >Celestia stirs next to you
- >"Ohh mother... What did I do last night?"
- >She looks over and sees the mountain of empty Sun Bun wrappers
- >"Awesome"
- Mornin' Tia.
- >She looks at you
- >"Nnfff"
- That wasn't a word, Tia
- >"I don't wanna get up"
- You have a planet to run. Don't be lazy
- >You slap her on the ass, causing her to yelp
- >"You don't get to slap royalty, Anonymous. You're not that friendly with us"
- Tell it to someone who cares, oh "Queen of Laughs"
- >She hurls a pillow at you at the sound of the nickname she gave herself during yesterday's sugar and happiness induced clusterfuck
- >You dodge it and stick out your tongue
- Mind if I use your bathroom?
- >"Sure. Go ahead"
- >You walk into the cavernous bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror
- >There's Moon Pie in your hair
- >You grumble and go to the shower
- >One hot blast of water and a hell of a lot of orange scented shampoo later, you emerge and dry yourself off
- >You reach for a toothbrush
- >Celestia calls from the other room
- >"Anonymous?"
- Yeah?
- >"I forgot to tell you, don't use the red toothbrush. I use it for uhh. Scientific Experiments with Rats."
- Masturbation, got it
- >"Go to tartarus, Ape."
- 10/?
- >You chuckle and use the blue toothbrush
- >All cleaned up, you walk back into Celestia's room
- >She's sipping coffee
- >"All better?"
- All better. I'm gonna head off now. This was great, though.
- >She smiles
- >"It was. It's good to see you again, Anonymous. You're the first being I've spent time off with in 450 years. Most of the time I just get drunk with Luna inside the castle walls during the last 2 hours of the day..."
- Well I'm glad you enjoyed it, Tia. I'll see you soon?
- >"Sounds good. Goodbye!"
- >You say a final goodbye and head out the door, walking through the winding halls and thinking about your time with Celestia
- >You see the doors leading out of the castle
- >But before you can reach them, you hear a shout
- >"STOP! THEIF! HE HAS THE ROYAL JEWELS!"
- >You snap your head around and look down a corridor where the shout originated
- >A pony dressed in black in galloping down the hall, a bag in his mouth
- >A few Royal Guards follow him
- >You look around
- >Then back at the mob heading towards you
- >You shrug
- >And extend your foot slightly
- >The thief trips over it and slams to the ground, the bag of jewels going everywhere
- >The guards all body slam him, eliciting a distressed groan
- >You stuff your hands in your pockets and watch with an amused look as the guards pummel the thief
- >Eventually he stops moving, and a guard drags him off, the others following him
- >All but one
- >The guard in the most ostentatious armour stays behind, removing his helmet and staring at you in awe
- >Raise an eyebrow
- >"Son, that was incredible, the way you took that thief down and foiled his efforts."
- 11/?
- >He clears his throat and extends a hoof towards you
- >You take it and shake it slightly
- >"I am Steel Rain. Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard in absence of his majesty Prince Shining Armour."
- Cool.
- >"Very cool. Son, I think you've got what it takes to be a Royal Guard."
- >You stroke your stubble and muse to yourself
- Royal guard, eh?
- >"Yes."
- Is the pay good?
- >"Nope."
- Hours acceptable?
- >"Not even close."
- Do I get any special privileges?
- >"Don't make me laugh"
- Do I get a pension?
- >"The hell is a pension?"
- Can I learn how to wield a weapon?
- >"Any fighting methods we can teach you will be useless since you aren't even a pony"
- Is there any reason whatsoever why I should join the guard?
- >"You get to wear golden armour and carry around a spear"
- I'LL DO IT!
- >"WELCOME ABOARD, SON!"
- >You are Anonymous
- >Royal Guard
- 12/?
- >You are Anonymous
- >Bored as fuck
- >You were assigned to the Celestial Guard, given your lack of scary features required for the Nocturnal Guard
- >You tried, really.
- >You even waggled your fingers and went "OOoOOoOOOoOOO"
- >Half the ponies in the room suffered heart attacks, and the others pissed themselves
- >But much to your dismay, they simply couldn't sign you up for it because you don't have bat wings.
- >But they gave you a lollipop for effort
- >And also because you're still medically retarded
- >You stand outside the throne room doors
- >Alone
- >All the other guards are on break and you have no one to talk to
- >Not that you can talk to them
- >You're supposed to stay quiet and march up and down all day
- >Some job this is
- >They didn't even teach you how to use your pointy stick
- >That's just sad.
- >Though it seems easy enough
- >You watched 300 like, twice. So you just need to emulate that somehow.
- >You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
- >Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
- >"ATTENTION!"
- YES!
- >"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
- Oh yeah, sorry.
- >He shakes his head sadly
- >You salute and give him your best stone-face
- >"YOU HAVE A NEW PARTNER!"
- SIR! WHO, SIR!
- >He motions to the new guard stood next to him
- >Fluttershy.
- >In Royal Guard armour
- Oh fucking hell no.
- 13/?
- >Fluttershy smiles meekly at you
- What- WHAT? WHY.
- >You drop to your knees and look Fluttershy in the eye from her level
- WHHHYYYYYY
- >"Umm... Hello to you too?"
- >She tries to hide behind her mane but her helmet covers it, so she just ends up turning her head to the side and looking at you with one eye
- >Like a curious pigeon
- >The commanding officer screams some more, causing you and Flutterguard to jump
- >"STAND UP, SOLDIER."
- >You do so immediately
- >"FLUTTERSHY HERE IS YOUR NEW PARTNER. SHE WILL BE ASSIGNED TO YOU WITH EVERYTHING YOU DO"
- But why? What has she POSSIBLY got to offer the guard?
- >"She's saved Equestria twice, is an element of harmony, can wrestle bears, has an IQ of 160 and her father was a Cloudsdale Legionnaire"
- >Oh
- Oh.
- >"Indeed. NOW GET TO YOUR POSTS!"
- >You take your position again, eyes staring straight ahead
- >Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go aw-
- >She's rubbing your dick
- >Slap her away
- >She squeaks and scuttles back to her post
- >2 meters away
- >Glare at the hallway, determined to ignore her
- >Beefeater mode: Activate
- >You'll do the queen proud with how little fucks you give about everything around you
- >Fluttershy speaks up, breaking the silence
- >"S-so umm. Were you surprised?"
- >Don't answer her, Anon. Her sight is based on sound.
- >"I was surprised to see you..."
- >Nope.
- >"Umm... W-want to know why I'm here?"
- 14/?
- >You ain't sayin' shit.
- >"W-well when you went on your trip, you said that you'd be back soon... Y-you were gone 2 months... I got worried"
- >Oh yeah.
- >Probably should have mentioned that your extremely basic training took 2 months to complete
- >But... Why is Fluttershy here now? You didn't see her during the training
- >NO! Can't ask her. Will break silence
- >"So are guards your f-"
- Don't.
- >She shuts up
- Just don't.
- >She looks at the floor sadly
- >"I thought maybe you wanted some company..."
- I've made friends with the guards. I don't need you.
- >Oh great. Here come the tears
- >"D-d-don't n-need me?"
- >She starts openly weeping
- >Just then the throne room doors open and out walks Celestia, sipping some orange juice out of a carton that's being levitated in a golden aura
- >She looks at Fluttershy and then at you
- >You stare at Celestia
- >Fluttershy continues to sob
- >You and Celestia stare at Fluttershy
- >Celestia and Fluttershy stare at you
- >You and Fluttershy stare at Celestia
- >Celestia stares at both of you at the same time
- >What
- >"Anonymous, why is Fluttershy here? And why is she dressed as a Royal Guard? And why is she crying?"
- I have absolutely no idea, Princess.
- >"...Huh"
- >Celestia prods Fluttershy's head
- >This invokes a squeal and a noise like a dog's chew-toy squeaking
- >"Weird."
- >She sips her OJ again
- >"Well then! You two have fun!"
- 15/?
- >You watch Celestia go
- >Fluttershy wipes her eyes and smiles at you
- >"S-so is crying your fetish?"
- No.
- >"Oh... Are guard uniforms your fetish?"
- No.
- >"What about standing around for hours on end?"
- Nah.
- >"Okay..."
- >You stand in silence for a while longer
- >And by a while you mean hours
- >Fucking. Hours.
- >Fluttershy yawns
- >You do the same
- God damn this is boring
- >"W-why did you even want to do this?"
- I can't remember.
- >"It seems silly..."
- Yeah, I guess it is.
- >More silence
- >Steel Rain walks around a corner and looks at you two
- >He blinks
- >"Private Anonymous?"
- Sir?
- >"Why the hell is Fluttershy stood next to you?"
- Uh, she's a Royal Guard, sir. I think.
- >"I don't recall seeing her in basic training."
- Me neither, sir. She just showed up and some commanding officer said that she checks out.
- >"...Anonymous?"
- Sir?
- >"What did this commanding officer look like?"
- >You think back
- 16/?
- >You are Anonymous
- >Bored as fuck
- >You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
- >Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
- >"ATTENTION!"
- YES!
- >"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
- Oh yeah, sorry.
- >He shakes his head sadly
- >He is a white unicorn in typical golden guard armour, but absolutely covered in gems.
- >He also has a large black moustache on
- >Looks a bit lop-sided, though.
- >Hm.
- >Back to the present
- >Describe the pony to Steel Rain
- >"Anonymous, did it ever occur to you that it might have been the Element of Generosity, who is staying at the Castle for the week?"
- I... Didn't know, sir. Sorry.
- >"Anonymous, were you just fooled into letting Fluttershy impersonate a Royal Guard all day by a mare wearing a fake moustache?"
- ...I think I was, sir.
- >He stares at you
- >Glance over at Fluttershy
- >She's trying to sneak away
- >Steel Rain glares at her
- >"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A ROYAL GUARDSMAN!"
- >She screams and takes flight
- >"ANONYMOUS! TIME TO PUT THAT TRAINING TO USE!"
- YOU NEVER TRAINED ME SIR! I SPENT 2 MONTHS PLAYING WITH COLOURING BOOKS AND CRAYONS!
- >"SON OF A BITCH, ANON. JUST THROW THE FUCKING SPEAR AT HER!"
- >You grip the end of the long wooden sick and throw it at Fluttershy
- >Not in the fashion of a javelin. No, the same way you would throw a stick for a dog
- >The pole slams into Fluttershy and brings her crashing to the floor
- 17/?
- >You and Steel Rain do the traditional Royal Canterlot Body Slam
- >Both of you jump on Fluttershy and crush her
- >She orgasms underneath you
- >Steel Rain, led on top of you, shouts in your ear
- >"SHE'S DEPLOYING LUBRICANTS! RESTRAIN HER!"
- >You punch her in the back of the head
- >"That might have been a bit much, Private."
- Sorry, sir. Heat of the moment thing.
- >"I understand"
- >You both get off her and look down at the dazed mare in guard's armour, groaning and soaked in her own juices
- >"How can we ensure this never happens again, Anon?"
- I think I have an idea, sir.
- >12 minutes later you kick open the doors of the barracks, a still dazed Fluttershy slung over your shoulder
- >The soldiers are all astonished at your entrance
- Evenin', lads. You all like mares?
- >They all nod
- >One of them shakes his head
- You all like mares in uniform?
- >They all nod
- >One of them shakes his head again
- >Another slaps him, and he starts nodding with the others
- Well good news!
- >Throw Fluttershy into the middle of the room
- >She smells like sex
- Have fun!
- >You close the doors to the barracks as the soldiers cheer
- >Steel Rain congratulates you
- >"Excellently handled, Anon! I'm promoting you to staff seargant!"
- What does that mean?
- >"You get to scream at people and sit in a comfy office all day!"
- FUCK YEAH!
- 18/?
- >You run up the stairs to Celestia's room
- >Kicking open the doors again, you see her about to climb into bed
- >She screams as the doors fly open
- >"Anonymous! What are you doing?!"
- You.
- >And so you did.
- >And it was amazing.
- 19/19
- The End
by
Nebulus
by
Nebulus
by
Nebulus
by
Nebulus
by
Nebulus