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[FLUTTERRAPE] Crazy Classroom Capers

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 12:59:20
Expiry: Never
anonocnsfwcomedycheerilee/flutterrape/cutie mark crusaders

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 18th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Day Education in Equestria
  5. >Wake up
  6. >Groan at the sunlight hitting you in the eyes
  7. >Move a hand over your face to stop the burning
  8. >Sit up
  9. >Look around your room
  10. >Papers and books are everywhere
  11. >Kick off the covers and go to have a shower and a shit
  12. >Shaving be damned
  13. >You walk downstairs, stroking your stubble
  14. >Pour some Lune-O's and cover them in milk
  15. >The milk turns dark blue and you can see sparkles in it
  16. >Shit, that's awesome.
  17. >Gulp the entire bowl down and burp
  18. >Stand up and go over to the door to begin your no doubt thrill-filled rollercoaster ride of a day
  19. >Before you reach it, you hear a knock
  20. >Open the door
  21. >Look down
  22. >Cheerilee stands there, beaming at you
  23. >"Good morning, Anonymous! I hope I'm not bothering you, am I?"
  24. Nope.
  25. >"Good! Well, I have a bit of a problem, I was wondering if you could help me!"
  26. >Uh oh.
  27. >"See, my father... Was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual, mommy got the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that."
  28. >She leans forwards slightly and narrows her eyes
  29. >"Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?'"
  30. >She takes a step forward. You take a step back.
  31. >"He comes at -me- with the knife! 'WHY SO SERIOUS?'"
  32. >She's now glaring at you, and you're shitting your pants
  33. >"Lets put a SMILE on that face!"
  34. >She smiles malevolently at you
  35. >"Aaaaand..."
  36. >You whimper
  37. >"...Can you watch the kids today?"
  38. FUCK.
  39. >You are Anon.
  40. >Substitute teacher
  41.  
  42. >"Pleeease? I would really appreciate it, and you're the only pon- uhh, Human in town with a backbone strong enough for the kids!"
  43. Why can't you ask Twilight?
  44. >"We... Had a falling out."
  45. Over what?
  46. >Cheerilee grumbles. You pick up the words "cheating bitch" in there though.
  47. Well what about Fluttershy? She's great with kids.
  48. >"She's also stupid. Come on, Anon. You're the smartest guy in town! Could you just watch the kids whilst I attend to some things?"
  49. Where are you even going?
  50. >At that moment, a giant white Pegasus covered in muscle lands next to you both, shaking the ground as he lands
  51. >Cheerilee gets on his back
  52. >She puts on some sunshades
  53. >Draws a crossbow
  54. >And puts on a Fedora
  55. >"I've got vampires to slay."
  56. >She slaps the Pegasus' ass and he takes flight
  57. >Watch them go
  58. I fucking hate this town.
  59. >You walk back inside and grab some supplies, paper, pencils, quills and ink.
  60. >Stomp across town and towards the school house
  61. >Reach the playground
  62. >Fillies and Colts are playing and laughing
  63. >Sigh
  64. >Maybe this won't be so bad
  65. >Some prissy looking filly wearing a shit crown points at you
  66. >"Eww! That monkey is here! Where's the teacher?!"
  67. >Walk over to her
  68. >Grab her mane
  69. >She squeals and screams
  70. >The other kids watch you, mouths agape
  71. >Kick open the door to the school
  72. >Throw the bitch in
  73. >Turn around and scream at the top of your lungs
  74. CLASS IS IN SESSION!
  75.  
  76. >You glare at the class
  77. >The class glares back
  78. >Sniff
  79. >The narrow their eyes
  80. >Turn your back
  81. >A paper ball hits the back of your head
  82. >You hear giggles
  83. >Spin back around
  84. WHO DID THAT?
  85. >Silence
  86. WHICH ONE A' YA'LL DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?
  87. >Point at some bucktoothed ingrate sat at the front who's holding a camera
  88. WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YOU SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHER FUCKER?
  89. >"N-no, sir!"
  90. Oh, well alright then.
  91. >Smile
  92. >Pat him on the head
  93. Good boy.
  94. >Turn back to the blackboard and scribble your name
  95. My name is Anonymous. And today I will be your teacher whilst Cheerilee is away.
  96. >A fat colt at the back raises his hoof
  97. Yes, you, the fat kid at the back.
  98. >His face falls a bit, but he recovers and speaks up
  99. >"What's Ms Cheerilee doing?"
  100. Fighting Vampires.
  101. >He blinks, then raises his hoof again
  102. >"What's a Vampire?"
  103. Edge personified.
  104. >You clear your throat
  105. Now! Are there any more questions before we begin?
  106. >Sweetie Belle raises her hoof
  107. Yes, Sweetie Belle?
  108. >"What's a shlong?"
  109. You'll find out when you're older.
  110. >Open the brown envelope in Cheerilee's desk that she left you
  111. >A note falls out
  112. >"Hello, Anonymous! Here is the lesson plan. Hope all goes well! ~ Cheerilee"
  113. >You look at the lesson plan
  114. >'Sex Education'
  115. Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. You're older.
  116. >The class "ooohs" at the topic you scribble on the board
  117. >A grey filly in glasses raises her hoof
  118. Yes?
  119. >"I already know about sex! My dad taught me everything there is!"
  120. >She smiles smugly at you
  121. >You gawp at her
  122. Well ok then. Enjoy your future career as a prostitute.
  123. >"What's a prostitute?"
  124. God's gift to men.
  125. >Another pony at the back raises her hoof
  126. >She's wearing jam-jar glasses and a propeller hat
  127. Uhh, yes?
  128. >She clears her throat and speaks in a squeaky voice
  129. >"Umm, w-will you be demonstrating?"
  130. Hell no.
  131. >"O-oh... Okay..."
  132. >You shake your head and look back at the rest of the class
  133. >Bitch-Pone and Grey-Slut are chattering
  134. >The fat kid is eating an entire cake. Seriously. There is an entire birthday cake on his desk and he's eating it.
  135. >Applebloom and Scootaloo and making paper aeroplanes
  136. >Sweetie Belle is drawing pink dragons on her paper
  137. >Rub your temples
  138. EVERYONE BE QUIET!
  139. >The class falls silent
  140. >Bitch-Pone giggles
  141. >Throw a book at her
  142. >It hits her square in the face and she almost does a backflip from the force
  143. >Scootaloo bursts out laughing
  144. >"Oh my gosh you're the best sub EVER!"
  145. >The rest of the class eagerly agrees
  146. >Fat kid cheers over his cake
  147. Right. Sex Ed. Uhh, I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'll try.
  148. >Clear your throat
  149. So-
  150. >The propeller-hat pony raises her hoof
  151. >"C-can we see your dick?"
  152. >The class cheers
  153. >"Yeah! Show us your dick!"
  154. >They all pause
  155. >Then all raise their hooves
  156. ...Yes?
  157. >"What's a dick?"
  158. Zeus help me... Look, I'm about to explain that-
  159. >A pony at the front raises his hoof
  160. OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
  161. >He smirks
  162. >"Allow me to explain to the class since you CLEARLY don't understand the intricate workings of the Equine body"
  163. >He saunters over the Sweetie Belle and takes her hoof in his
  164. >He looks over his shoulder at you, still wearing a shit eating grin
  165. >"This... "Creature", clearly doesn't understand true beauty of the mare form..."
  166. >He kisses her hoof
  167. >You walk over to him
  168. >Pick him up
  169. >"Ugh! Get your filthy hands off me, you sub-equine monster!"
  170. >Walk over to the cupboard at the other side of the room
  171. >Place him inside
  172. >"My father shall hear of this, monster!"
  173. >Walk over to Bitch-pone
  174. >Pick her up
  175. >Put her in there with him
  176. >Shut the cupboard door
  177. >Push it over so that the doors are against the floor
  178. >Dust your hands
  179. >Walk back to the front of the class
  180. >Lick your teeth
  181. Will there be any more interruptions?
  182. >No one moves
  183. >Fat kid coughs
  184. What was that, Chubs?
  185. >"N-nothing, sir"
  186. Good.
  187. Now. We're going to learn how horse sex works. And you're going to like it. Am I understood?
  188. >Everyone nods
  189. >The propeller hat pony shudders
  190. >She's awfully big for her age
  191. >You draw a crude dick on the blackboard
  192. >Wait, shit. That's a human dick.
  193. >You brush it off and draw a horse cock instead
  194. >Stand back
  195. >Much better
  196. >Turn to the class and point at it
  197. What do you think this is?
  198. >Applebloom raises her hoof
  199. >"Oh! Oh! A plow!"
  200. Well no, it CAN plow, that's not what it's called.
  201. >The Cutie Mark Crusaders put their heads together and start guessing to themselves
  202. >Grey-Slut calmly raises a hoof
  203. Yes?
  204. >"It's a Custard Cannon. That's what my dad calls it"
  205. You really have no shame, do you?
  206. >"Nope."
  207. Yeah, sure, whatever. It's a custard cannon.
  208. >You draw a vagina next to the dick
  209. Who can tell me wh- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
  210. >Propeller-hat pone is spreading her butt cheeks and waving her rear at you
  211. >"I-is it this, Anon?"
  212. >You notice that she's got a piece of paper sellotaped over each flank, with the words "plz ignore" written on them
  213. >She's also leaking all over the desk
  214. >The kids "Woah" quietly
  215. Get the fuck down and shut up, you cretin.
  216. >The pony gets down and sulks
  217. >Shake your head
  218. It's a vagina. The custard cannon goes in the vagina. Any questions?
  219. >Everyone raises a hoof, including the propeller hat pony
  220. >Point at Chubs
  221. >"When's lunch?"
  222. >Throw a book at him
  223. >Point at Grey-Slut
  224. >"Wanna have some fun after class?"
  225. >Give her the middle finger
  226. >Point at Applebloom
  227. >"Do ya like Apples?"
  228. >Throw an apple at her
  229. >Once you're done answering questions, half the class has concussion and the other half are hiding under the desks
  230. >Hold a book over your head, ready to throw
  231. ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STUPID FUCKING QUESTION?
  232. >The propeller pony raises her hoof shakily
  233. >"A-are classrooms your-"
  234. >A copy of "Mathematics for Foals" hits her straight between the eyes
  235. >You hear screaming from inside the closet
  236. >”GET THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!”
  237. >”No.”
  238. >"[Screams Externally]
  239. >Sit down on a stool
  240. >It breaks under your weight
  241. >Sit among the shattered remains of a stool
  242. >Scootaloo raises a hoof
  243. Yes... Scootaloo?
  244. >"Will you be teaching us tomorrow?"
  245. Depends if Cheerilee survives.
  246. >"I-I like you teaching... You don't take crap from no pony!"
  247. >Manage a smile
  248. Glad you like me, I guess.
  249. >Someone prods your shoulder
  250. >Look over
  251. >Chubs, sporting a large black eye, trembles as he offers you a slice of cake
  252. >Gingerly take it and bite into it
  253. >Chew slowly
  254. >This cake is really good
  255. >Smile at Chubs and ruffle his hair
  256. Thanks, Chubs
  257. >"M-my name is Stuffed Cheeks"
  258. Are you serious? What's your talent, eating?
  259. >"No, it's Molecular Biology"
  260. >Holy shit.
  261. >You stand up and rub your stubble
  262. So. Did any of you learn anything today?
  263. >A filly with book shaped mark on her face groans
  264. >"D-don't ask stupid questions"
  265. >A colt with a bloody nose and a nervous voice squeaks
  266. >"Don't be a smart-flank"
  267. >Applebloom sits up, Apple chunks and juice mixed with blood all over her face
  268. >"Don' go bein' silly, an' think before ya speak"
  269. >Nod proudly
  270. Well done, all of you. Bloody well done.
  271. >Place your hands on your hips
  272. I think this was a pretty successful first day!
  273. >A voice from the back of the class calls out
  274. >"I think Glitter Ball needs a doctor!"
  275. >Grin
  276. Class! New lesson plan! We're going to learn first aid!
  277. >Look down at Chubs
  278. Chubs!
  279. >"Yes, boss?"
  280. >Chuckle darkly
  281. Get me my stabbing pencil.
  282. >One classroom surgery later, you send the kids home
  283. >Watch with a weary smile as they help each other out the door, groaning and wincing in pain
  284. >Scootaloo supports Appleboom whilst carrying Sweetie Belle on her back out the door
  285. >Grey-Slut winks at you on the way out, and drags some random kid round the back of the school where no one can see
  286. >The propeller pony walks out and winks at you as well
  287. >With her vagina
  288. >Absolutely Disgusting
  289. >Lastly, Chubs walks out, but stops next to you
  290. >He looks up
  291. >"When I'm older, I'm gonna find you and dissect you for science as payback for today"
  292. >Smile and pat him on the back
  293. Kid, with an attitude like that, you'll go far in life. Have a nice evening
  294. >He smiles
  295. >"You too, future experiment."
  296. >He walks past you
  297. >Trip him up with a foot
  298. >He rolls down the hill, cursing your name the whole time while he speeds into Ponyville like a sentient katamari
  299. >You pull the door shut and lock it, making sure you have everything before heading home.
  300. >Being a teacher is great.
  301. >Be Diamond Tiara
  302. HELLOOOOOOOOO?! Any pony gonna let me out of here?!
  303. >Sit back down and huff
  304. >A hoof strokes your leg
  305. >Tense up
  306. >Hear a voice in the dark
  307. >"How about I show you my custard cannon, baby. We got aaaaaaall night."
  308. >[Scream externally - internally]
  309.  
  310. The End

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