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[FLUTTERRAPE] Crazy Classroom Capers

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 06:45:53 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 18th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Day Education in Equestria
  5. >Wake up
  6. >Groan at the sunlight hitting you in the eyes
  7. >Move a hand over your face to stop the burning
  8. >Sit up
  9. >Look around your room
  10. >Papers and books are everywhere
  11. >Kick off the covers and go to have a shower and a shit
  12. >Shaving be damned
  13. >You walk downstairs, stroking your stubble
  14. >Pour some Lune-O's and cover them in milk
  15. >The milk turns dark blue and you can see sparkles in it
  16. >Shit, that's awesome.
  17. >Gulp the entire bowl down and burp
  18. >Stand up and go over to the door to begin your no doubt thrill-filled rollercoaster ride of a day
  19. >Before you reach it, you hear a knock
  20. >Open the door
  21. >Look down
  22. >Cheerilee stands there, beaming at you
  23. >"Good morning, Anonymous! I hope I'm not bothering you, am I?"
  24. Nope.
  25. >"Good! Well, I have a bit of a problem, I was wondering if you could help me!"
  26. >Uh oh.
  27. >"See, my father... Was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual, mommy got the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that."
  28. >She leans forwards slightly and narrows her eyes
  29. >"Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?'"
  30. >She takes a step forward. You take a step back.
  31. >"He comes at -me- with the knife! 'WHY SO SERIOUS?'"
  32. >She's now glaring at you, and you're shitting your pants
  33. >"Lets put a SMILE on that face!"
  34. >She smiles malevolently at you
  35. >"Aaaaand..."
  36. >You whimper
  37. >"...Can you watch the kids today?"
  38. FUCK.
  39. >You are Anon.
  40. >Substitute teacher
  41.  
  42. 1/?
  43.  
  44. >"Pleeease? I would really appreciate it, and you're the only pon- uhh, Human in town with a backbone strong enough for the kids!"
  45. Why can't you ask Twilight?
  46. >"We... Had a falling out."
  47. Over what?
  48. >Cheerilee grumbles. You pick up the words "cheating bitch" in there though.
  49. Well what about Fluttershy? She's great with kids.
  50. >"She's also stupid. Come on, Anon. You're the smartest guy in town! Could you just watch the kids whilst I attend to some things?"
  51. Where are you even going?
  52. >At that moment, a giant white Pegasus covered in muscle lands next to you both, shaking the ground as he lands
  53. >Cheerilee gets on his back
  54. >She puts on some sunshades
  55. >Draws a crossbow
  56. >And puts on a Fedora
  57. >"I've got vampires to slay."
  58. >She slaps the Pegasus' ass and he takes flight
  59. >Watch them go
  60. I fucking hate this town.
  61. >You walk back inside and grab some supplies, paper, pencils, quills and ink.
  62. >Stomp across town and towards the school house
  63. >Reach the playground
  64. >Fillies and Colts are playing and laughing
  65. >Sigh
  66. >Maybe this won't be so bad
  67. >Some prissy looking filly wearing a shit crown points at you
  68. >"Eww! That monkey is here! Where's the teacher?!"
  69. >Walk over to her
  70. >Grab her mane
  71. >She squeals and screams
  72. >The other kids watch you, mouths agape
  73. >Kick open the door to the school
  74. >Throw the bitch in
  75. >Turn around and scream at the top of your lungs
  76. CLASS IS IN SESSION!
  77.  
  78. 2/?
  79.  
  80. >You glare at the class
  81. >The class glares back
  82. >Sniff
  83. >The narrow their eyes
  84. >Turn your back
  85. >A paper ball hits the back of your head
  86. >You hear giggles
  87. >Spin back around
  88. WHO DID THAT?
  89. >Silence
  90. WHICH ONE A' YA'LL DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?
  91. >Point at some bucktoothed ingrate sat at the front who's holding a camera
  92. WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YOU SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHER FUCKER?
  93. >"N-no, sir!"
  94. Oh, well alright then.
  95. >Smile
  96. >Pat him on the head
  97. Good boy.
  98. >Turn back to the blackboard and scribble your name
  99. My name is Anonymous. And today I will be your teacher whilst Cheerilee is away.
  100. >A fat colt at the back raises his hoof
  101. Yes, you, the fat kid at the back.
  102. >His face falls a bit, but he recovers and speaks up
  103. >"What's Ms Cheerilee doing?"
  104. Fighting Vampires.
  105. >He blinks, then raises his hoof again
  106. >"What's a Vampire?"
  107. Edge personified.
  108. >You clear your throat
  109. Now! Are there any more questions before we begin?
  110. >Sweetie Belle raises her hoof
  111. Yes, Sweetie Belle?
  112. >"What's a shlong?"
  113. You'll find out when you're older.
  114. >Open the brown envelope in Cheerilee's desk that she left you
  115. >A note falls out
  116. >"Hello, Anonymous! Here is the lesson plan. Hope all goes well! ~ Cheerilee"
  117. >You look at the lesson plan
  118. >'Sex Education'
  119. Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. You're older.
  120.  
  121. 3/?
  122.  
  123. >The class "ooohs" at the topic you scribble on the board
  124. >A grey filly in glasses raises her hoof
  125. Yes?
  126. >"I already know about sex! My dad taught me everything there is!"
  127. >She smiles smugly at you
  128. >You gawp at her
  129. Well ok then. Enjoy your future career as a prostitute.
  130. >"What's a prostitute?"
  131. God's gift to men.
  132. >Another pony at the back raises her hoof
  133. >She's wearing jam-jar glasses and a propeller hat
  134. Uhh, yes?
  135. >She clears her throat and speaks in a squeaky voice
  136. >"Umm, w-will you be demonstrating?"
  137. Hell no.
  138. >"O-oh... Okay..."
  139. >You shake your head and look back at the rest of the class
  140. >Bitch-Pone and Grey-Slut are chattering
  141. >The fat kid is eating an entire cake. Seriously. There is an entire birthday cake on his desk and he's eating it.
  142. >Applebloom and Scootaloo and making paper aeroplanes
  143. >Sweetie Belle is drawing pink dragons on her paper
  144. >Rub your temples
  145. EVERYONE BE QUIET!
  146. >The class falls silent
  147. >Bitch-Pone giggles
  148. >Throw a book at her
  149. >It hits her square in the face and she almost does a backflip from the force
  150. >Scootaloo bursts out laughing
  151. >"Oh my gosh you're the best sub EVER!"
  152. >The rest of the class eagerly agrees
  153. >Fat kid cheers over his cake
  154.  
  155. 4/?
  156.  
  157. Right. Sex Ed. Uhh, I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'll try.
  158. >Clear your throat
  159. So-
  160. >The propeller-hat pony raises her hoof
  161. >"C-can we see your dick?"
  162. >The class cheers
  163. >"Yeah! Show us your dick!"
  164. >They all pause
  165. >Then all raise their hooves
  166. ...Yes?
  167. >"What's a dick?"
  168. Zeus help me... Look, I'm about to explain that-
  169. >A pony at the front raises his hoof
  170. OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
  171. >He smirks
  172. >"Allow me to explain to the class since you CLEARLY don't understand the intricate workings of the Equine body"
  173. >He saunters over the Sweetie Belle and takes her hoof in his
  174. >He looks over his shoulder at you, still wearing a shit eating grin
  175. >"This... "Creature", clearly doesn't understand true beauty of the mare form..."
  176. >He kisses her hoof
  177. >You walk over to him
  178. >Pick him up
  179. >"Ugh! Get your filthy hands off me, you sub-equine monster!"
  180. >Walk over to the cupboard at the other side of the room
  181. >Place him inside
  182. >"My father shall hear of this, monster!"
  183. >Walk over to Bitch-pone
  184. >Pick her up
  185. >Put her in there with him
  186. >Shut the cupboard door
  187. >Push it over so that the doors are against the floor
  188. >Dust your hands
  189. >Walk back to the front of the class
  190. >Lick your teeth
  191. Will there be any more interruptions?
  192. >No one moves
  193. >Fat kid coughs
  194. What was that, Chubs?
  195. >"N-nothing, sir"
  196. Good.
  197.  
  198. 5/?
  199.  
  200. Now. We're going to learn how horse sex works. And you're going to like it. Am I understood?
  201. >Everyone nods
  202. >The propeller hat pony shudders
  203. >She's awfully big for her age
  204. >You draw a crude dick on the blackboard
  205. >Wait, shit. That's a human dick.
  206. >You brush it off and draw a horse cock instead
  207. >Stand back
  208. >Much better
  209. >Turn to the class and point at it
  210. What do you think this is?
  211. >Applebloom raises her hoof
  212. >"Oh! Oh! A plow!"
  213. Well no, it CAN plow, that's not what it's called.
  214. >The Cutie Mark Crusaders put their heads together and start guessing to themselves
  215. >Grey-Slut calmly raises a hoof
  216. Yes?
  217. >"It's a Custard Cannon. That's what my dad calls it"
  218. You really have no shame, do you?
  219. >"Nope."
  220. Yeah, sure, whatever. It's a custard cannon.
  221. >You draw a vagina next to the dick
  222. Who can tell me wh- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
  223. >Propeller-hat pone is spreading her butt cheeks and waving her rear at you
  224. >"I-is it this, Anon?"
  225. >You notice that she's got a piece of paper sellotaped over each flank, with the words "plz ignore" written on them
  226. >She's also leaking all over the desk
  227. >The kids "Woah" quietly
  228. Get the fuck down and shut up, you cretin.
  229. >The pony gets down and sulks
  230. >Shake your head
  231. It's a vagina. The custard cannon goes in the vagina. Any questions?
  232. >Everyone raises a hoof, including the propeller hat pony
  233. >Point at Chubs
  234. >"When's lunch?"
  235. >Throw a book at him
  236.  
  237. 6/?
  238.  
  239. >Point at Grey-Slut
  240. >"Wanna have some fun after class?"
  241. >Give her the middle finger
  242. >Point at Applebloom
  243. >"Do ya like Apples?"
  244. >Throw an apple at her
  245. >Once you're done answering questions, half the class has concussion and the other half are hiding under the desks
  246. >Hold a book over your head, ready to throw
  247. ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STUPID FUCKING QUESTION?
  248. >The propeller pony raises her hoof shakily
  249. >"A-are classrooms your-"
  250. >A copy of "Mathematics for Foals" hits her straight between the eyes
  251. >You hear screaming from inside the closet
  252. >”GET THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!”
  253. >”No.”
  254. >"[Screams Externally]
  255. >Sit down on a stool
  256. >It breaks under your weight
  257. >Sit among the shattered remains of a stool
  258. >Scootaloo raises a hoof
  259. Yes... Scootaloo?
  260. >"Will you be teaching us tomorrow?"
  261. Depends if Cheerilee survives.
  262. >"I-I like you teaching... You don't take crap from no pony!"
  263. >Manage a smile
  264. Glad you like me, I guess.
  265. >Someone prods your shoulder
  266. >Look over
  267. >Chubs, sporting a large black eye, trembles as he offers you a slice of cake
  268. >Gingerly take it and bite into it
  269. >Chew slowly
  270. >This cake is really good
  271. >Smile at Chubs and ruffle his hair
  272. Thanks, Chubs
  273. >"M-my name is Stuffed Cheeks"
  274. Are you serious? What's your talent, eating?
  275. >"No, it's Molecular Biology"
  276. >Holy shit.
  277.  
  278. 7/?
  279.  
  280. >You stand up and rub your stubble
  281. So. Did any of you learn anything today?
  282. >A filly with book shaped mark on her face groans
  283. >"D-don't ask stupid questions"
  284. >A colt with a bloody nose and a nervous voice squeaks
  285. >"Don't be a smart-flank"
  286. >Applebloom sits up, Apple chunks and juice mixed with blood all over her face
  287. >"Don' go bein' silly,  an' think before ya speak"
  288. >Nod proudly
  289. Well done, all of you. Bloody well done.
  290. >Place your hands on your hips
  291. I think this was a pretty successful first day!
  292. >A voice from the back of the class calls out
  293. >"I think Glitter Ball needs a doctor!"
  294. >Grin
  295. Class! New lesson plan! We're going to learn first aid!
  296. >Look down at Chubs
  297. Chubs!
  298. >"Yes, boss?"
  299. >Chuckle darkly
  300. Get me my stabbing pencil.
  301.  
  302. 8/?
  303.  
  304. >One classroom surgery later, you send the kids home
  305. >Watch with a weary smile as they help each other out the door, groaning and wincing in pain
  306. >Scootaloo supports Appleboom whilst carrying Sweetie Belle on her back out the door
  307. >Grey-Slut winks at you on the way out, and drags some random kid round the back of the school where no one can see
  308. >The propeller pony walks out and winks at you as well
  309. >With her vagina
  310. >Absolutely Disgusting
  311. >Lastly, Chubs walks out, but stops next to you
  312. >He looks up
  313. >"When I'm older, I'm gonna find you and dissect you for science as payback for today"
  314. >Smile and pat him on the back
  315. Kid, with an attitude like that, you'll go far in life. Have a nice evening
  316. >He smiles
  317. >"You too, future experiment."
  318. >He walks past you
  319. >Trip him up with a foot
  320. >He rolls down the hill, cursing your name the whole time while he speeds into Ponyville like a sentient katamari
  321. >You pull the door shut and lock it, making sure you have everything before heading home.
  322. >Being a teacher is great.
  323.  
  324. 9/?
  325.  
  326. >Be Diamond Tiara
  327. HELLOOOOOOOOO?! Any pony gonna let me out of here?!
  328. >Sit back down and huff
  329. >A hoof strokes your leg
  330. >Tense up
  331. >Hear a voice in the dark
  332. >"How about I show you my custard cannon, baby. We got aaaaaaall night."
  333. >[Scream externally - internally]
  334.  
  335. 10/10
  336. The End
/FLUTTERRAPE/

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