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[FLUTTERRAPE] Crazy Classroom Capers

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 12:59:20
Expiry: Never
anonocnsfwcomedycheerilee/flutterrape/cutie mark crusaders

  1. 1.
    Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 18th, 2013
  2. 2.
    ---
  3. 3.
     
  4. 4.
    >Day Education in Equestria
  5. 5.
    >Wake up
  6. 6.
    >Groan at the sunlight hitting you in the eyes
  7. 7.
    >Move a hand over your face to stop the burning
  8. 8.
    >Sit up
  9. 9.
    >Look around your room
  10. 10.
    >Papers and books are everywhere
  11. 11.
    >Kick off the covers and go to have a shower and a shit
  12. 12.
    >Shaving be damned
  13. 13.
    >You walk downstairs, stroking your stubble
  14. 14.
    >Pour some Lune-O's and cover them in milk
  15. 15.
    >The milk turns dark blue and you can see sparkles in it
  16. 16.
    >Shit, that's awesome.
  17. 17.
    >Gulp the entire bowl down and burp
  18. 18.
    >Stand up and go over to the door to begin your no doubt thrill-filled rollercoaster ride of a day
  19. 19.
    >Before you reach it, you hear a knock
  20. 20.
    >Open the door
  21. 21.
    >Look down
  22. 22.
    >Cheerilee stands there, beaming at you
  23. 23.
    >"Good morning, Anonymous! I hope I'm not bothering you, am I?"
  24. 24.
    Nope.
  25. 25.
    >"Good! Well, I have a bit of a problem, I was wondering if you could help me!"
  26. 26.
    >Uh oh.
  27. 27.
    >"See, my father... Was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual, mommy got the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that."
  28. 28.
    >She leans forwards slightly and narrows her eyes
  29. 29.
    >"Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?'"
  30. 30.
    >She takes a step forward. You take a step back.
  31. 31.
    >"He comes at -me- with the knife! 'WHY SO SERIOUS?'"
  32. 32.
    >She's now glaring at you, and you're shitting your pants
  33. 33.
    >"Lets put a SMILE on that face!"
  34. 34.
    >She smiles malevolently at you
  35. 35.
    >"Aaaaand..."
  36. 36.
    >You whimper
  37. 37.
    >"...Can you watch the kids today?"
  38. 38.
    FUCK.
  39. 39.
    >You are Anon.
  40. 40.
    >Substitute teacher
  41. 41.
     
  42. 42.
    >"Pleeease? I would really appreciate it, and you're the only pon- uhh, Human in town with a backbone strong enough for the kids!"
  43. 43.
    Why can't you ask Twilight?
  44. 44.
    >"We... Had a falling out."
  45. 45.
    Over what?
  46. 46.
    >Cheerilee grumbles. You pick up the words "cheating bitch" in there though.
  47. 47.
    Well what about Fluttershy? She's great with kids.
  48. 48.
    >"She's also stupid. Come on, Anon. You're the smartest guy in town! Could you just watch the kids whilst I attend to some things?"
  49. 49.
    Where are you even going?
  50. 50.
    >At that moment, a giant white Pegasus covered in muscle lands next to you both, shaking the ground as he lands
  51. 51.
    >Cheerilee gets on his back
  52. 52.
    >She puts on some sunshades
  53. 53.
    >Draws a crossbow
  54. 54.
    >And puts on a Fedora
  55. 55.
    >"I've got vampires to slay."
  56. 56.
    >She slaps the Pegasus' ass and he takes flight
  57. 57.
    >Watch them go
  58. 58.
    I fucking hate this town.
  59. 59.
    >You walk back inside and grab some supplies, paper, pencils, quills and ink.
  60. 60.
    >Stomp across town and towards the school house
  61. 61.
    >Reach the playground
  62. 62.
    >Fillies and Colts are playing and laughing
  63. 63.
    >Sigh
  64. 64.
    >Maybe this won't be so bad
  65. 65.
    >Some prissy looking filly wearing a shit crown points at you
  66. 66.
    >"Eww! That monkey is here! Where's the teacher?!"
  67. 67.
    >Walk over to her
  68. 68.
    >Grab her mane
  69. 69.
    >She squeals and screams
  70. 70.
    >The other kids watch you, mouths agape
  71. 71.
    >Kick open the door to the school
  72. 72.
    >Throw the bitch in
  73. 73.
    >Turn around and scream at the top of your lungs
  74. 74.
    CLASS IS IN SESSION!
  75. 75.
     
  76. 76.
    >You glare at the class
  77. 77.
    >The class glares back
  78. 78.
    >Sniff
  79. 79.
    >The narrow their eyes
  80. 80.
    >Turn your back
  81. 81.
    >A paper ball hits the back of your head
  82. 82.
    >You hear giggles
  83. 83.
    >Spin back around
  84. 84.
    WHO DID THAT?
  85. 85.
    >Silence
  86. 86.
    WHICH ONE A' YA'LL DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?
  87. 87.
    >Point at some bucktoothed ingrate sat at the front who's holding a camera
  88. 88.
    WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YOU SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHER FUCKER?
  89. 89.
    >"N-no, sir!"
  90. 90.
    Oh, well alright then.
  91. 91.
    >Smile
  92. 92.
    >Pat him on the head
  93. 93.
    Good boy.
  94. 94.
    >Turn back to the blackboard and scribble your name
  95. 95.
    My name is Anonymous. And today I will be your teacher whilst Cheerilee is away.
  96. 96.
    >A fat colt at the back raises his hoof
  97. 97.
    Yes, you, the fat kid at the back.
  98. 98.
    >His face falls a bit, but he recovers and speaks up
  99. 99.
    >"What's Ms Cheerilee doing?"
  100. 100.
    Fighting Vampires.
  101. 101.
    >He blinks, then raises his hoof again
  102. 102.
    >"What's a Vampire?"
  103. 103.
    Edge personified.
  104. 104.
    >You clear your throat
  105. 105.
    Now! Are there any more questions before we begin?
  106. 106.
    >Sweetie Belle raises her hoof
  107. 107.
    Yes, Sweetie Belle?
  108. 108.
    >"What's a shlong?"
  109. 109.
    You'll find out when you're older.
  110. 110.
    >Open the brown envelope in Cheerilee's desk that she left you
  111. 111.
    >A note falls out
  112. 112.
    >"Hello, Anonymous! Here is the lesson plan. Hope all goes well! ~ Cheerilee"
  113. 113.
    >You look at the lesson plan
  114. 114.
    >'Sex Education'
  115. 115.
    Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. You're older.
  116. 116.
    >The class "ooohs" at the topic you scribble on the board
  117. 117.
    >A grey filly in glasses raises her hoof
  118. 118.
    Yes?
  119. 119.
    >"I already know about sex! My dad taught me everything there is!"
  120. 120.
    >She smiles smugly at you
  121. 121.
    >You gawp at her
  122. 122.
    Well ok then. Enjoy your future career as a prostitute.
  123. 123.
    >"What's a prostitute?"
  124. 124.
    God's gift to men.
  125. 125.
    >Another pony at the back raises her hoof
  126. 126.
    >She's wearing jam-jar glasses and a propeller hat
  127. 127.
    Uhh, yes?
  128. 128.
    >She clears her throat and speaks in a squeaky voice
  129. 129.
    >"Umm, w-will you be demonstrating?"
  130. 130.
    Hell no.
  131. 131.
    >"O-oh... Okay..."
  132. 132.
    >You shake your head and look back at the rest of the class
  133. 133.
    >Bitch-Pone and Grey-Slut are chattering
  134. 134.
    >The fat kid is eating an entire cake. Seriously. There is an entire birthday cake on his desk and he's eating it.
  135. 135.
    >Applebloom and Scootaloo and making paper aeroplanes
  136. 136.
    >Sweetie Belle is drawing pink dragons on her paper
  137. 137.
    >Rub your temples
  138. 138.
    EVERYONE BE QUIET!
  139. 139.
    >The class falls silent
  140. 140.
    >Bitch-Pone giggles
  141. 141.
    >Throw a book at her
  142. 142.
    >It hits her square in the face and she almost does a backflip from the force
  143. 143.
    >Scootaloo bursts out laughing
  144. 144.
    >"Oh my gosh you're the best sub EVER!"
  145. 145.
    >The rest of the class eagerly agrees
  146. 146.
    >Fat kid cheers over his cake
  147. 147.
    Right. Sex Ed. Uhh, I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'll try.
  148. 148.
    >Clear your throat
  149. 149.
    So-
  150. 150.
    >The propeller-hat pony raises her hoof
  151. 151.
    >"C-can we see your dick?"
  152. 152.
    >The class cheers
  153. 153.
    >"Yeah! Show us your dick!"
  154. 154.
    >They all pause
  155. 155.
    >Then all raise their hooves
  156. 156.
    ...Yes?
  157. 157.
    >"What's a dick?"
  158. 158.
    Zeus help me... Look, I'm about to explain that-
  159. 159.
    >A pony at the front raises his hoof
  160. 160.
    OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
  161. 161.
    >He smirks
  162. 162.
    >"Allow me to explain to the class since you CLEARLY don't understand the intricate workings of the Equine body"
  163. 163.
    >He saunters over the Sweetie Belle and takes her hoof in his
  164. 164.
    >He looks over his shoulder at you, still wearing a shit eating grin
  165. 165.
    >"This... "Creature", clearly doesn't understand true beauty of the mare form..."
  166. 166.
    >He kisses her hoof
  167. 167.
    >You walk over to him
  168. 168.
    >Pick him up
  169. 169.
    >"Ugh! Get your filthy hands off me, you sub-equine monster!"
  170. 170.
    >Walk over to the cupboard at the other side of the room
  171. 171.
    >Place him inside
  172. 172.
    >"My father shall hear of this, monster!"
  173. 173.
    >Walk over to Bitch-pone
  174. 174.
    >Pick her up
  175. 175.
    >Put her in there with him
  176. 176.
    >Shut the cupboard door
  177. 177.
    >Push it over so that the doors are against the floor
  178. 178.
    >Dust your hands
  179. 179.
    >Walk back to the front of the class
  180. 180.
    >Lick your teeth
  181. 181.
    Will there be any more interruptions?
  182. 182.
    >No one moves
  183. 183.
    >Fat kid coughs
  184. 184.
    What was that, Chubs?
  185. 185.
    >"N-nothing, sir"
  186. 186.
    Good.
  187. 187.
    Now. We're going to learn how horse sex works. And you're going to like it. Am I understood?
  188. 188.
    >Everyone nods
  189. 189.
    >The propeller hat pony shudders
  190. 190.
    >She's awfully big for her age
  191. 191.
    >You draw a crude dick on the blackboard
  192. 192.
    >Wait, shit. That's a human dick.
  193. 193.
    >You brush it off and draw a horse cock instead
  194. 194.
    >Stand back
  195. 195.
    >Much better
  196. 196.
    >Turn to the class and point at it
  197. 197.
    What do you think this is?
  198. 198.
    >Applebloom raises her hoof
  199. 199.
    >"Oh! Oh! A plow!"
  200. 200.
    Well no, it CAN plow, that's not what it's called.
  201. 201.
    >The Cutie Mark Crusaders put their heads together and start guessing to themselves
  202. 202.
    >Grey-Slut calmly raises a hoof
  203. 203.
    Yes?
  204. 204.
    >"It's a Custard Cannon. That's what my dad calls it"
  205. 205.
    You really have no shame, do you?
  206. 206.
    >"Nope."
  207. 207.
    Yeah, sure, whatever. It's a custard cannon.
  208. 208.
    >You draw a vagina next to the dick
  209. 209.
    Who can tell me wh- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
  210. 210.
    >Propeller-hat pone is spreading her butt cheeks and waving her rear at you
  211. 211.
    >"I-is it this, Anon?"
  212. 212.
    >You notice that she's got a piece of paper sellotaped over each flank, with the words "plz ignore" written on them
  213. 213.
    >She's also leaking all over the desk
  214. 214.
    >The kids "Woah" quietly
  215. 215.
    Get the fuck down and shut up, you cretin.
  216. 216.
    >The pony gets down and sulks
  217. 217.
    >Shake your head
  218. 218.
    It's a vagina. The custard cannon goes in the vagina. Any questions?
  219. 219.
    >Everyone raises a hoof, including the propeller hat pony
  220. 220.
    >Point at Chubs
  221. 221.
    >"When's lunch?"
  222. 222.
    >Throw a book at him
  223. 223.
    >Point at Grey-Slut
  224. 224.
    >"Wanna have some fun after class?"
  225. 225.
    >Give her the middle finger
  226. 226.
    >Point at Applebloom
  227. 227.
    >"Do ya like Apples?"
  228. 228.
    >Throw an apple at her
  229. 229.
    >Once you're done answering questions, half the class has concussion and the other half are hiding under the desks
  230. 230.
    >Hold a book over your head, ready to throw
  231. 231.
    ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STUPID FUCKING QUESTION?
  232. 232.
    >The propeller pony raises her hoof shakily
  233. 233.
    >"A-are classrooms your-"
  234. 234.
    >A copy of "Mathematics for Foals" hits her straight between the eyes
  235. 235.
    >You hear screaming from inside the closet
  236. 236.
    >”GET THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!”
  237. 237.
    >”No.”
  238. 238.
    >"[Screams Externally]
  239. 239.
    >Sit down on a stool
  240. 240.
    >It breaks under your weight
  241. 241.
    >Sit among the shattered remains of a stool
  242. 242.
    >Scootaloo raises a hoof
  243. 243.
    Yes... Scootaloo?
  244. 244.
    >"Will you be teaching us tomorrow?"
  245. 245.
    Depends if Cheerilee survives.
  246. 246.
    >"I-I like you teaching... You don't take crap from no pony!"
  247. 247.
    >Manage a smile
  248. 248.
    Glad you like me, I guess.
  249. 249.
    >Someone prods your shoulder
  250. 250.
    >Look over
  251. 251.
    >Chubs, sporting a large black eye, trembles as he offers you a slice of cake
  252. 252.
    >Gingerly take it and bite into it
  253. 253.
    >Chew slowly
  254. 254.
    >This cake is really good
  255. 255.
    >Smile at Chubs and ruffle his hair
  256. 256.
    Thanks, Chubs
  257. 257.
    >"M-my name is Stuffed Cheeks"
  258. 258.
    Are you serious? What's your talent, eating?
  259. 259.
    >"No, it's Molecular Biology"
  260. 260.
    >Holy shit.
  261. 261.
    >You stand up and rub your stubble
  262. 262.
    So. Did any of you learn anything today?
  263. 263.
    >A filly with book shaped mark on her face groans
  264. 264.
    >"D-don't ask stupid questions"
  265. 265.
    >A colt with a bloody nose and a nervous voice squeaks
  266. 266.
    >"Don't be a smart-flank"
  267. 267.
    >Applebloom sits up, Apple chunks and juice mixed with blood all over her face
  268. 268.
    >"Don' go bein' silly, an' think before ya speak"
  269. 269.
    >Nod proudly
  270. 270.
    Well done, all of you. Bloody well done.
  271. 271.
    >Place your hands on your hips
  272. 272.
    I think this was a pretty successful first day!
  273. 273.
    >A voice from the back of the class calls out
  274. 274.
    >"I think Glitter Ball needs a doctor!"
  275. 275.
    >Grin
  276. 276.
    Class! New lesson plan! We're going to learn first aid!
  277. 277.
    >Look down at Chubs
  278. 278.
    Chubs!
  279. 279.
    >"Yes, boss?"
  280. 280.
    >Chuckle darkly
  281. 281.
    Get me my stabbing pencil.
  282. 282.
    >One classroom surgery later, you send the kids home
  283. 283.
    >Watch with a weary smile as they help each other out the door, groaning and wincing in pain
  284. 284.
    >Scootaloo supports Appleboom whilst carrying Sweetie Belle on her back out the door
  285. 285.
    >Grey-Slut winks at you on the way out, and drags some random kid round the back of the school where no one can see
  286. 286.
    >The propeller pony walks out and winks at you as well
  287. 287.
    >With her vagina
  288. 288.
    >Absolutely Disgusting
  289. 289.
    >Lastly, Chubs walks out, but stops next to you
  290. 290.
    >He looks up
  291. 291.
    >"When I'm older, I'm gonna find you and dissect you for science as payback for today"
  292. 292.
    >Smile and pat him on the back
  293. 293.
    Kid, with an attitude like that, you'll go far in life. Have a nice evening
  294. 294.
    >He smiles
  295. 295.
    >"You too, future experiment."
  296. 296.
    >He walks past you
  297. 297.
    >Trip him up with a foot
  298. 298.
    >He rolls down the hill, cursing your name the whole time while he speeds into Ponyville like a sentient katamari
  299. 299.
    >You pull the door shut and lock it, making sure you have everything before heading home.
  300. 300.
    >Being a teacher is great.
  301. 301.
    >Be Diamond Tiara
  302. 302.
    HELLOOOOOOOOO?! Any pony gonna let me out of here?!
  303. 303.
    >Sit back down and huff
  304. 304.
    >A hoof strokes your leg
  305. 305.
    >Tense up
  306. 306.
    >Hear a voice in the dark
  307. 307.
    >"How about I show you my custard cannon, baby. We got aaaaaaall night."
  308. 308.
    >[Scream externally - internally]
  309. 309.
     
  310. 310.
    The End

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